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mostlysignssomeportents · 2 months

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Google reneged on the monopolistic bargain

I'm on tour with my new novel The Bezzle! Catch me TONIGHT in SALT LAKE CITY (Feb 21, Weller Book Works) and TOMORROW in SAN DIEGO (Feb 22, Mysterious Galaxy). After that, it's LA, Seattle, Portland, Phoenix and more!

A funny thing happened on the way to the enshittocene: Google – which astonished the world when it reinvented search, blowing Altavista and Yahoo out of the water with a search tool that seemed magic – suddenly turned into a pile of shit.

Google's search results are terrible. The top of the page is dominated by spam, scams, and ads. A surprising number of those ads are scams. Sometimes, these are high-stakes scams played out by well-resourced adversaries who stand to make a fortune by tricking Google:

https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/tech-news/phone-numbers-airlines-listed-google-directed-scammers-rcna94766

But often these scams are perpetrated by petty grifters who are making a couple bucks at this. These aren't hyper-resourced, sophisticated attackers. They're the SEO equivalent of script kiddies, and they're running circles around Google:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/02/24/passive-income/#swiss-cheese-security

Google search is empirically worsening. The SEO industry spends every hour that god sends trying to figure out how to sleaze their way to the top of the search results, and even if Google defeats 99% of these attempts, the 1% that squeak through end up dominating the results page for any consequential query:

https://downloads.webis.de/publications/papers/bevendorff_2024a.pdf

Google insists that this isn't true, and if it is true, it's not their fault because the bad guys out there are so numerous, dedicated and inventive that Google can't help but be overwhelmed by them:

https://searchengineland.com/is-google-search-getting-worse-389658

It wasn't supposed to be this way. Google has long maintained that its scale is the only thing that keeps us safe from the scammers and spammers who would otherwise overwhelm any lesser-resourced defender. That's why it was so imperative that they pursue such aggressive growth, buying up hundreds of companies and integrating their products with search so that every mobile device, every ad, every video, every website, had one of Google's tendrils in it.

This is the argument that Google's defenders have put forward in their messaging on the long-overdue antitrust case against Google, where we learned that Google is spending $26b/year to make sure you never try another search engine:

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2023-10-27/google-paid-26-3-billion-to-be-default-search-engine-in-2021

Google, we were told, had achieved such intense scale that the normal laws of commercial and technological physics no longer applied. Take security: it's an iron law that "there is no security in obscurity." A system that is only secure when its adversaries don't understand how it works is not a secure system. As Bruce Schneier says, "anyone can design a security system that they themselves can't break. That doesn't mean it works – just that it works for people stupider than them."

And yet, Google operates one of the world's most consequential security system – The Algorithm (TM) – in total secrecy. We're not allowed to know how Google's ranking system works, what its criteria are, or even when it changes: "If we told you that, the spammers would win."

Well, they kept it a secret, and the spammers won anyway.

A viral post by Housefresh – who review air purifiers – describes how Google's algorithmic failures, which send the worst sites to the top of the heap, have made it impossible for high-quality review sites to compete:

https://housefresh.com/david-vs-digital-goliaths/

You've doubtless encountered these bad review sites. Search for "Best ______ 2024" and the results are a series of near-identical lists, strewn with Amazon affiliate links. Google has endlessly tinkered with its guidelines and algorithmic weights for review sites, and none of it has made a difference. For example, when Google instituted a policy that reviewers should "discuss the benefits and drawbacks of something, based on your own original research," sites that had previously regurgitated the same lists of the same top ten Amazon bestsellers "peppered their pages with references to a ‘rigorous testing process,’ their ‘lab team,’ subject matter experts ‘they collaborated with,’ and complicated methodologies that seem impressive at a cursory look."

But these grandiose claims – like the 67 air purifiers supposedly tested in Better Homes and Gardens's Des Moines lab – result in zero in-depth reviews and no published data. Moreover, these claims to rigorous testing materialized within a few days of Google changing its search ranking and said that high rankings would be reserved for sites that did testing.

Most damning of all is how the Better Homes and Gardens top air purifiers perform in comparison to the – extensively documented – tests performed by Housefresh: "plagued by high-priced and underperforming units, Amazon bestsellers with dubious origins (that also underperform), and even subpar devices from companies that market their products with phrases like ‘the Tesla of air purifiers.’"

One of the top ranked items on BH&G comes from Molekule, a company that filed for bankruptcy after being sued for false advertising. The model BH&G chose was ranked "the worst air purifier tested" by Wirecutter and "not living up to the hype" by Consumer Reports. Either BH&G's rigorous testing process is a fiction that they infused their site with in response to a Google policy change, or BH&G absolutely sucks at rigorous testing.

BH&G's competitors commit the same sins – literally, the exact same sins. Real Simple's reviews list the same photographer and the photos seem to have been taken in the same place. They also list the same person as their "expert." Real Simple has the same corporate parent as BH&G: Dotdash Meredith. As Housefresh shows, there's a lot of Dotdash Meredith review photos that seem to have been taken in the same place, by the same person.

But the competitors of these magazines are no better. Buzzfeed lists 22 air purifiers, including that crapgadget from Molekule. Their "methodology" is to include screenshots of Amazon reviews.

A lot of the top ranked sites for air purifiers are once-great magazines that have been bought and enshittified by private equity giants, like Popular Science, which began as a magazine in 1872 and became a shambling zombie in 2023, after its PE owners North Equity LLC decided its googlejuice was worth more than its integrity and turned it into a metastatic chumbox of shitty affiliate-link SEO-bait. As Housefresh points out, the marketing team that runs PopSci makes a lot of hay out of the 150 years of trust that went into the magazine, but the actual reviews are thin anaecdotes, unbacked by even the pretense of empiricism (oh, and they loooove Molekule).

Some of the biggest, most powerful, most trusted publications in the world have a side-hustle in quietly producing SEO-friendly "10 Best ___________ of 2024" lists: Rolling Stone, Forbes, US News and Report, CNN, New York Magazine, CNN, CNET, Tom's Guide, and more.

Google literally has one job: to detect this kind of thing and crush it. The deal we made with Google was, "You monopolize search and use your monopoly rents to ensure that we never, ever try another search engine. In return, you will somehow distinguish between low-effort, useless nonsense and good information. You promised us that if you got to be the unelected, permanent overlord of all information access, you would 'organize the world's information and make it universally accessible and useful.'"

They broke the deal.

Companies like CNET used to do real, rigorous product reviews. As Housefresh points out, CNET once bought an entire smart home and used it to test products. Then Red Ventures bought CNET and bet that they could sell the house, switch to vibes-based reviewing, and that Google wouldn't even notice. They were right.

https://www.cnet.com/home/smart-home/welcome-to-the-cnet-smart-home/

Google downranks sites that spend money and time on reviews like Housefresh and GearLab, and crams botshittened content mills like BH&G into our eyeballs instead.

In 1558, Thomas Gresham coined (ahem) Gresham's Law: "Bad money drives out good." When counterfeit money circulates in the economy, anyone who gets a dodgy coin spends it as quickly as they can, because the longer you hold it, the greater the likelihood that someone will detect the fraud and the coin will become worthless. Run this system long enough and all the money in circulation is funny money.

An internet run by Google has its own Gresham's Law: bad sites drive out good. It's not just that BH&G can "test" products at a fraction of the cost of Housefresh – through the simple expedient of doing inadequate tests or no tests at all – so they can put a lot more content up that Housefresh. But that alone wouldn't let them drive Housefresh off the front page of Google's search results. For that, BH&G has to mobilize some of their savings from the no test/bad test lab to do real rigorous science: science in defeating Google's security-through-obscurity system, which lets them command the front page despite publishing worse-than-useless nonsense.

Google has lost the spam wars. In response to the plague of botshit clogging Google search results, the company has invested in…making more botshit:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/02/16/tweedledumber/#easily-spooked

Last year, Google did a $70b stock buyback. They also laid off 12,000 staffers (whose salaries could have been funded for 27 years by that stock buyback). They just laid off thousands more employees.

That wasn't the deal. The deal was that Google would get a monopoly, and they would spend their monopoly rents to be so good that you could just click "I'm feeling lucky" and be teleported to the very best response to your query. A company that can't figure out the difference between a scam like Better Homes and Gardens and a rigorous review site like Housefresh should be pouring every spare dime it brings in into fixing this problem. Not buying default search status on every platform so that we never try another search engine: they should be fixing their shit.

When Google admits that it's losing the war to these kack-handed spam-farmers, that's frustrating. When they light $26b/year on fire making sure you don't ever get to try anything else, that's very frustrating. When they vaporize seventy billion dollars on financial engineering and shoot one in ten engineers, that's outrageous.

Google's scale has transcended the laws of business physics: they can sell an ever-degrading product and command an ever-greater share of our economy, even as their incompetence dooms any decent, honest venture to obscurity while providing fertile ground – and endless temptation – for scammers.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/21/im-feeling-unlucky/#not-up-to-the-task

#pluralistic #monopoly #seo #dark seo #google #search #enshittification #platform decay #product reviews #spam #antitrust #trustbusting

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csuitebitches · 4 months

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Book Review- The Wealth Elite: A Groundbreaking Study of the Psychology of the Super Rich, by Rainer Zitelmann Notes

I came across this book because I was looking for psychology books. I found the first of the book rather boring and too textbook-y. The second part is much better.

The author interviewed like 45 millionaire - billionaires. These were his findings.

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48% stated that real estate was an ‘important’ source of their wealth, and one in ten described real estate as the ‘most important’ aspect of their personal wealth-building. And a total of 20% described stock market gains as an ‘important’ factor in wealth-building, although in this case only 2.4% stated that this was the ‘most important’ factor in building their wealth.

‘Creative intelligence’ is key to financial success. The following is a comparison between the percentage of entrepreneurs (and in brackets the percentage of attorneys) who agreed that the following factors played a decisive role in their financial success: seeing opportunities others do not see: 42 (19); finding a profitable niche: 35 (14).

The role of habitus

* Intimate knowledge of required codes of dress and etiquette

* Broad-based general education

* An entrepreneurial attitude, including an optimistic outlook on life

* Supreme self-assurance in appearance and manner.

He identifies a key quality that is essential for any prospective appointee to the executive board or senior management of a major company: habitual similarities to those who already occupy such positions.

Skillset of Entrepreneurs

* The ‘conqueror’. The entrepreneur has to have the ability to make plans and a strong will to carry them out.

* The ‘organizer’. The entrepreneur has to have the ability to bring large numbers of people together into a happy, successful creative force.

* The ‘trader’. What Sombart describes as a ‘trader’, we would more likely call a talented salesperson today. The entrepreneur has to “confer with another, and, by making the best of your own case and demonstrating the weakness of his, get him to adopt what you propose. Negotiation is but an intellectual sparring match.”

Entrepreneurial success personality traits

* Commitment

* Creativity

* A high degree of extroversion

* Low levels of agreeableness

Entrepreneurial success personality traits

* Orientation towards action after suffering disappointments (the entrepreneur remains able to act, even after failure)

* Internal locus of control (the conviction “I hold my destiny in my own two hands”)

* Optimism (the expectation that the future holds positive things in store)

* Self-efficacy (the expectation that tasks can be performed successfully, even in difficult circumstances).

constant power struggles with their teachers in order to ascertain who would emerge the stronger from such confrontations.

Secret of selling

* Empathy

* Didactics

* Expert knowledge

* Networking.

Conscientiousness is the dominant personality trait. Extroversion is also very common among the interviewees. Openness to Experience is very common

A high tolerance to frustration is one of the most characteristic personality traits of this group.

exceptionally high levels of mental stability.

primarily characterize entrepreneurs as being prepared to swim against the current and make their decisions irrespective of majority opinion.

“No, I never did that (lost my temper). I never get loud. But I can be resolute and say: “That is unacceptable.” And then you either have to go your separate ways or make a decision that the other party might not like. It’s the same in negotiations. I was always described by other people as a bit of a toughie.”

Having the courage to stand against majority opinion is probably a prerequisite for making successful investments, as this is what makes it possible to buy cheap and sell high.

Many of the interviewees spoke about their ability to switch off and direct their focus, even in the event of major problems. The interviewees consistently referred to their ability to focus on solutions, rather than torturing themselves with problems.

At least in the initial phases of wealth creation, most of the interviewees rated their own risk profiles as very high. This changes during the stabilization phase, when risk profiles decrease. In this phase, the hypothesis of moderate risk does apply.

Conscientiousness was the interviewees’ most dominant personality trait. It is important to remember that the Big Five theory’s definition of conscientiousness does not just include qualities such as duty, precision, and thoroughness, but also emphasizes diligence, discipline, ambition, and stamina.

#c suite #powerful woman #strong women #ceo aesthetic #personal growth #that girl #productivity #getting your life together #balance #book review #books

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ankle-beez · 25 days

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megamind doesn't shoot people with the dehydration gun like he used to. because of woke

#can you tell i've rewatched the schaffrillas review like 3 times shdhhdhxhd #megamind #megamind vs the doom syndicate #megamind rules #schaffrillas productions #schaffrillas #angel.post

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bonefall · 1 year

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Herb Guide to HRT for Warrior Cats

Have a warrior OC you would like to show being on hormone replacement medication? I’ve gone through herbs historically associated with femininity/masculinity, as well as those with effects on sex hormones, that a wild cat could hypothetically find and use.

Of course, this would still require a bit of a leap as there’s no herb in nature that can replace our friend Spironolactone... but if you’d like some herbs with a grain of truth or history to them that wouldn’t poison a semi-realistic cat? Here you go!

(DO NOT USE THESE HERBS ON YOURSELF OR A REAL ANIMAL.)

Let’s identify what we’re looking for;

Hormone suppressing herbs = antigonadotropins Prevents production and recognition of present hormones. This is going to be big for an agender transition; but even in a binary one, they’re often taken with-

Hormone producing herbs = estrogen/estradiol & testosterone/androgens Make sure your warrior doesn’t start on huge amounts! Smaller, controlled doses are more effective. Too much can cause the opposite effects and slow down transition.

Historical precedent = Just Cool If I find a cool story I’m just going to include it, but note that it doesn’t hold pharmacological basis.

I considered also including some thoughts on surgical treatments as well, but I’ve decided I’ll save that for a follow-up. This guide is purely focused on medication to stay SFW!

Hormone Suppressants

Lycopus (also known as Wolf’s Foot, Water Horehound, Bugleweed) is such a widespread species and has several other medical uses. Not only is it THE most well documented antigonadotropin I came across, but its different species have a wide variety of medical use, including treating anxiety, heart palpitations, stopping bleeding, and respiratory illness. This is also a mint that is not toxic to cats. Also it can be used as a dye.

THERE IS A CAVEAT; if Lycopus supplements suddenly stop or overdosed, it can cause thyroid enlargement. Keep this in mind if your trans warrior ever gave up their medication to a sick clanmate in leafbare!

Lithospermum ruderale (Aka western Stoneseed or Lemonweed) has similar suppression properties, but only in American fanclans, and not as many secondary uses.

Comfrey ROOT can also be used for this purpose, in addition to its canonical uses (funfact this plant is also called knitbone). But can cause liver failure in high doses.

Rosemary suppresses feminine hormones in the uterus, for warriors going from Female to Male. Additionally, it’s an excellent antifungal, smells great, and can be used as a cooking spice.

Molly to Tom (Female to Male)

Pine Pollen (particularly from the Scots Pine), can be added to water or foods and increase testosterone.

Stinging Nettle ROOT could also be taken for a transmasc warrior. The above ground plant can be processed for use with allergies, but the relevant part here is the root underground, which has no stinging hairs.

Sarsparilla ROOT is historically associated with testosterone, though modern studies haven’t held up the claims... but, it is a plant an American clan would have access to, and is also used to make root beer.

Tom to Molly (Male to Female)

FENNEL?? AGAIN??? It’s true.

Through Fennel, all things are possible

It has estrogenic properties in all sexes and has been explored for the creation of synthetic estrogen since the 1930s. This can be used for a transgender warrior, as well as for a cisgender queen with a hormone issue. It must be remarked though; it looks alarmingly similar to poison hemlock, and should not be collected by untrained cats.

Hops (Humulus lupulus) is up next, but first I think this education is worthwhile; phytoestrogens aren’t exactly like true estrogens, but in high enough quantities (as in, much, much more than a plate of soybeans or a mug of beer) they can have estrogen-like affects.

Hops are the uncontested queen of these, and they grow wild in several continents. Hops can sometimes be toxic to cats, based on a genetic predisposition, and mostly to the ‘cone’ (female flower). For the best hormonal effect, the ‘flower‘ (male flower) would be dried and eaten.

Flax flowers don’t contain nearly as much phytoestrogen, but are safer for cats. Additionally, flax is extremely useful in construction, and can be used to make fabric or twine if your Clan is advanced enough.

#I don't have a DNI so here's the warning; If I see TERFs clowning on his post I will block on sight.#Trans rights #I'm as queer as a rainbow steer #transgender #Clan Herbs #Clan Culture #Warrior Cats #Fennelposting #I have no idea how Fennel ends up on every single one of these lists somehow #In love with Bugleweed btw #God it has SO many uses #Most of this was sourced from The Review Of Natural Products #The fifth edition specifically because that was the one I could find #The newest one is going for like 200$ jesus christ

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ellsieee · 5 days

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Just when I said I was disappointed there were no updates about Meet You At the Blossom, I see that they wrapped filming. The cast posted wrap videos and the production company posted this:

Oh my. 😳 This is super gay by mainland bl standards. Stay With Me pushed the boundaries with their dialogue and innuendo, but even they didn't go this far with physical contact. Will I have to eat my words about there being no kissing? I certainly hope so, but I'm still going to be pessimistic so I don't end up disappointed.

I'm not mad about the 2nd cp either. 🤭 Source: Big SuperStar's tw

#hoping this series can come out in a month or two #this series is short and doesn't have to pass review so hopefully post production takes at most two months #meet you at the blossom #cdrama #cbl

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jokesactorscryingobsession · 5 months

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LEO the netflix movie from Adam Sandler is ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE 💚💚💚🦎🐢

I had heard nothing about this movie, but I am so happy my family and I watched it. This little class pet was so charming and I am going to rewarch this all the time. All the songs, spoken jokes, and visual gags were just *chef's kiss 💋* It's a wonderful blend of older comedy and modern considerations. If there isn't a million memes from this movie then we are lost as a society.

And all the struggles the kids had, that Leo helped in his own way with, were just so wholesome and heartwrenching.

I really think parents, kids, and teachers are really going to like this movie. I don't know how this movie could have been done any better. It was perfect 👌

Also Adam's Sandlers daughters voiced two of the girls in the movie, and his wife voiced the mom of one of them, and that's just really sweet 🥰

I love Leo 💚 . I hope everyone loves this sweet 74 year old strange lizard just as much as I do!!!

And Squirtle too 🤎

***SPOILERS***SPOILERS***SPOILERS***

Okay! I am just so excited about this movie. I love the rabid little gremlin kindergarteners🤣! The way they just swarm everything is amazing.

And how Leo and Squirtle only know 5th grade fractions and don't know how to add, or know the alphabet! 😆

And Leo singing to Mia that crying is weak and dumb, and Mia being so smart and showing Leo how crying is good. Leo didn't know how to help Mia so he just listened, and that helped🥺. And now Mia isn't afraid to cry, but also took Leo's advise to be stronger 😫 It's sooo pure.

#leo netflix #leo adam sandler #Leo #Adam Sandler #netflix #movie review #sooo good #i just think they're neat #Billy Maddison Productions #sunny sandler #sadie sandler #I think Teachers are gonna really like this movie!

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jadecitrusmint · 12 days

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4/11/24🌿🌿

English exam review~ the exam itself went pretty good. English classes are great because the key to success is just doing the readings lol. My finals start the week after next so I really need to start reviewing🌿

Weekend to-do

Stat 540: exam 2

Stat 512: homework 9

Stat 512: chapter 6 review questions

Social and Political Phil: final project

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riahsringtone · 18 days

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this is like the realest thing I’ve ever heard about inside out and haters of joy and the movie

like omfg

#inside out #inside out joy #joy inside out #inside out 2 #inside out fandom #joy #inside out sequel #inside out two #joy pixar #schafrillas productions #YouTube #review

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ruedesfillesducalvaire · 5 months

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this is such a bizarre take on les misérables i love this

#a great rags to riches story #les misérables is all about how if you try your hardest you too can make your fortune in bead production despite your criminal past!#les mis #les mis 1978 #les miserables #les misérables #les mis reviews #sylvie's own nonsense

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the---hermit · 2 months

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28|02|2024

Tis time for an update because in the past few days I have felt very overwhelmed. It's been an intense couple of days made of big decisions. After a very emotional session with my therapist and talking with my parents I came to the conclusion that the healtest thing to do now is to take a break from studying and try to recover from this burn out. I decided to drop out from my class, I will take the exam with more materials like people who don't follow lectures, and I will be doing that in the future. I am now going to take the next month to rest and not study, and after this pause I will plan my next moves and exams. I will have to fight my guilt response a bit but this is truly the only thing I can do to mend my health right now. Hopefully taking this month off will get me back on my feet because I am not in a great place right now. To avoid making this update too negative here are some happy things that happened in the past few days:

met the two tiny goats my uncle got, got to cuddle one and she fell asleep in my arms

had a lovely walk in the woods which felt very healing

redescovered cross stitch embroidery as an hobby and it's sparking so much joy

had a trip to the bookstore with my mom and got a couple of graphic novels

talked to the professor of the class I am dropping out of and she was extremely comprehensive and offered so much help in case I will need any

had yet another friend date that was very recharing

helped my brother with painting walls at his place

📖: Babel by R.F. Kuang, Dubliners by Joyce, Oh! Il Libro Delle Meraviglie by Leo Ortolani

#i will try to be a bit more regular with my posts because i need the journaling #i also have a few book reviews to post but idk when that will happen #studyblr #studyinspo #uniblr #university #happy lists #journal #journaling #studying #productivity #knife gang #current reads #mine #the---hermit

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foldingfittedsheets · 3 months

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The mattress cleaning people today were very lovely and efficient. They said the pee stain from Leeloo probably wouldn’t come out but it would be sanitized and deodorized.

We had a good chat about video games, they saved me $20 cause they liked me, and the stain came out. I’m so looking forward to sleeping in my bed again tonight, cause it’ll be fully dry well before bedtime.

#ramblies #also my food stamp review came in and I should be able to keep them until I graduate #and my new insurance card got here and I now have insurance for my wonderful doctor #good productive day that I’m so tired about but I’m getting shit done

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drawfee-quot3s · 3 months

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great! perfect! wonderful! one out of five stars

- julia

#i feel like i am finally making progress in learning russian >:)#my speaking so bad tho #drawing what we think these weird product reviews are about #drawfee #drawfee quotes #drawfee video #julia lepetit #julia drawfee

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csuitebitches · 1 year

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Book Review: Book 1: Stop People Pleasing (a 9-part series by Patrick King, “Be Confident and Fearless.”)

I’m reading a 9-part series by Patrick King, “Be Confident and Fearless.” His books talk about becoming assertive, saying no, not people pleasing anymore and being confident. Generally, such books are quite generic but I found his take on the subject interesting. His techniques to handle certain situations seem to be quite doable too. His techniques have been highlighted in bold.

Book One: “Stop People Pleasing”

A people-pleaser is worried about rejection. They have a need, as we all do, to be accepted and treasured—to be loved. But in people-pleasers, this need is amplified to the extent that they will bend over backward just to not lose that love or acceptance. This is more invalidating than giving an honest opinion.

In reality, people-pleasers continued promises and inaction just tick their friends off, as it becomes apparent that they are willing to be dishonest and only say what people want to hear.

They’re not really doing what they do to improve someone else’s life—they just want to feel more positive about themselves.

Living under the limitations of our own viewpoint, we tend to think everyone in our circle is looking at and judging how we look and behave. At most, maybe a couple of people are paying attention to most of your moves, and they’re likely people you’re already close to who are supposed to know you better than anyone else.

When you’re so consumed with the perceived needs of others, you’re not paying yourself any attention. You could be overlooking or ignoring things you need to do to take care of yourself.

Avoiding confrontation for fear that it might only make things worse ironically results in the very outcomes it’s meant to deflect. The absence of confrontations doesn’t mean your relationship is all healthy, and the presence of confrontations doesn’t mean your relationship has gone to the dogs.

The BLUE model is a specific CBT strategy developed by PracticeWise to help counter negative thinking. BLUE is an acronym that stands for the kind of extremely negative thoughts you should recognize in yourself when they do pop into your head. “B” stands for blaming myself, “L” is looking for bad news, “U” means unhappy guessing, and “E” represents exaggeratedly negative thoughts.

What many people-pleasers fail to see is that sacrificing so much of themselves in pursuit of serving everyone else around them is sabotaging their very capacity to continue being there for others when it truly matters.

Rejecting an invite is not the same as rejecting your friend and that prioritizing your own peace of mind by just settling into a restful weekend is totally okay.

Ask yourself, “What are the things I do to be happy?” or “What are the core beliefs I have about my worth as a person?”

Exposure therapy is the process of deliberately placing yourself in situations that cause you fear and anxiety. You’ll need to immerse yourself in your feared situations in a gradual and progressive manner, starting from situations that cause the least anxiety and later advancing to those that cause the most intense feelings of fear.

Creating your fear hierarchy. The fear hierarchy is an ordered list of situations that elicit your fears and anxieties.

The first habit we must develop is the habit of self-awareness. We don’t understand why we people-please, and we’re not aware when we’re doing it.

This begins with questioning the motives for your actions: “Why exactly am I going out of my way for this person?” “Do I genuinely care for them, or am I just afraid of what might happen without them?” “Would I be doing this out of free will, or am I doing it for someone else?”

Take note of the moment you’re starting to feel internal resistance. When that happens, stop everything and question why you’re doing it.

The second habit to cultivate is the habit of personal autonomy. An autonomous person knows what they truly believe and why they believe it. But the differences that you’ve valued your own opinion over that of others. Or you’ve at least valued it equally and not by habit put your own opinion as inferior to that of others.

That’s why it’s important to get into the habit of expressing yourself honestly. The more you communicate where you stand, the more people will know where you’re coming from (and what your limits are). After all, people can’t read minds, and to expect others to know what you want is an impossible task.

Remain strong under pressure. When you stop people-pleasing, you will face some angry reactions. It’s not necessarily their fault because you have conditioned their expectations. But this is where you must not fold under pressure, like you previously would have. It only takes five seconds of extreme willpower, and it gets easier every time thereafter.

How to set boundaries:

1. Determine your core values

2. Change yourself and only yourself. You dont control other people

3. Set consequences of someone else breaking your boundaries. Write down the boundaries you have, the actions others might take that trespass those boundaries, and exactly what you will do when they’ve violated your boundaries.

4. Communicate your boundaries to others in very exact terms. Make sure everybody’s very, very clear on what your limits are.

If you tell yourself “I can’t,” you’re simply reminding yourself of the limitations you’ve set for yourself. You’re creating a feedback loop in your brain that tells you that you can’t do something that you would normally want to do.

When you tell yourself “I don’t,” you’re creating a feedback loop that reminds you of your power and control of the situation. You’ve given yourself a line in the sand that takes the situation out of your hands. Your choice was premade to say no and thus you can stick to it more easily.

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