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#Self-Harm. Chronic Illness
justflesh54 · 4 months
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its my body surely i have the right to harm it if i wish ???
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tangledinink · 11 months
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TMNT: Stabilize [ part one ]
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neuroticboyfriend · 10 months
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i really hate how the idea that mentally ill people have full control over our illnesses ramps up once we're doing harmful things to ourselves. the pain other people feel when they find out we're struggling is prioritized over the danger we're in. we're not seen as people who are in dire need of support. we're seen as selfish, lazy assholes. because we could just stop, right? we just need to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and everything will be fine!
but that's not how it works. yes, there is an element of choice, but that's not unique to mentally ill people's health. and when you're dealing with severe mental illness, it can takes YEARS to learn how to wrestle your nervous system into being healthier. your brain is still part of your body! it's an organ! the chemicals and neurons throughout your body exist! and you can't just will your body to be healthy. it takes time and effort!
severe mental illness is a DISABILITY that people need (material and emotional) support to get through. it's not a character or moral flaw, and shame, guilt, and hate will only ever make things worse.
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vizthedatum · 1 month
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I’ve been in therapy for a while - was mandated to go by my school in senior year of high school (my first therapist was an asshole and got fired - he yelled at me and stuff but I didn’t report it), then really briefly in sophomore year of college, and then consistently since 2017 after I exited a very tough relationship (I remember my obgyn telling me how worried she was for me, told me to go to therapy, and told me that maybe I should admit myself to the local psych ward for a bit… while he was in the waiting room). I’ve had a couple therapists since 2017 including a brief stint at an IOP. I refuse to be admitted to any psych wards due to my trauma of seeing my brother be admitted on and off for over a decade (and I guess, other reasons).
I think I considered my therapy more seriously in 2017 but I didn’t really internalize my lessons and stuff until very recently.
It took a long time for me to dissect my sense of self, and I’m still working on it.
I have a lot that I’m undoing from my childhood.
Simply going to therapy isn’t an overnight, or even overyear (I made this term up), fix! Meaning, therapy is just one ongoing thing you’re doing for your self-care.
It’s okay that it takes you a while to wade through your life to figure out where you’re headed.
It’s okay if you succumb to your old patterns time and time again. I know I have! They’re patterns for a reason - it’s been very hard for me to break out of them, but I know I’m making a lot of progress.
I didn’t even fully acknowledge my transness and neurodivergence until 2021. (Also me: I didn’t even fully consider myself disabled until 2014 when my doctor (who diagnosed me with interstitial cystitis) told me so. But like I’ve been disabled my entire life - and I’m so burned out by telling myself I’m not.)
Being your authentic self is hard especially when society tells you that you should do XYZ and then you’ll be healed.
I remember my current boss responding to me “Still?” after I told her I was still healing after several weeks of a horrible bout of physical infection, physical flare ups, and a huge exacerbation of my PTSD symptoms last summer. She didn’t even know about my chronic disabilities or the traumatic events of my life - all she knew was that I had a couple of doctor’s notes about how I had an infection and I needed to recover.
I have come to accept that people will not understand the chronic nature of what I go through, let alone the mental aspect of it all. After all, my high school counselor told me I’d be homeless because I was missing so much school due to my migraines - it didn’t occur to her that I was a high achieving student or that I may be going through other underlying health or environmental things - she told a teenager that, and it’s haunted me ever since.
I have disappointed so many people in my life.
But I know that moving forward, I have to stop feeling so much shame about being me. Even if I disappoint myself, I must forgive myself and keep going.
I am loving myself more and more all the time.
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i think an aspect of poor selfcare as self-harm that goes overlooked a lot is that it can be comforting, when you're in a shitty situation that's out of your control, to have a fallback: i feel shitty because of this thing i am neglecting, and i could feel better if i took care of it. there is a way in which i have the power to tangibly, measurably improve my situation and how fucking awful i feel. no matter how bad things get, there's always an uphill from here.
......if you take care of yourself to the best of your ability, you are forced to face the fact that there isn't an uphill. there's nothing else you can do. however bad things are, this is as good as it gets.
sometimes this is true, and sometimes it isn't. and sometimes that fallback is, genuinely, what you have to hold onto for a while to survive. but when you're in the thick of that kind of despair, it's easy to forget--or block out--the fact that the selfcare you can do can keep you treading water, or at least slow your descent. and it's easy to forget that sometimes those few inches you manage to make it uphill can be the difference between staying where you are, or being able to reach the ladder that's thrown to you, when you're lucky enough for help to arrive.
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youngchronicpain · 1 year
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hey
I know sometimes our brains can be really mean
but please take your meds
even if you feel like you're a terrible person (in the moment) who doesn't deserve relief from your symptoms
please
the only way you can do better is if you are taking care of yourself
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arctic-hands · 1 month
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Long ass post about being a sick and disabled child with pediatric imposter syndrome and inattentive and flat out ableist adults ahead. It got ahead of me but there's nothing I want to cut. No I'm not putting it under a read more. Look at my post, boy.
I wonder if my childhood fascination with wheelchairs was based in the chronic pain and exhaustion I was feeling even by the age of seven.
In second grade we had a "disability week" (tho I wouldn't be surprised if they had called it "differently abled" but I can't remember for certain) where we had disabled adults come to speak to our (allegedly) able-bodied class and the school as a whole. The ones i remember were just explaining the disability and a simplified ways to treat it and things like it's rude to stare and such. Not too too glurgy in that out of context...
...but the memories about it are def tainted by the fact that any kid who was sick or disabled was forced to give presentations on their medical conditions to "educate and de-stigmatize" the students.
This wasn't part of Differently Abled Week, we were just forced to present when we just got diagnosed or whenever the condition got noticed by anyone. The first one i saw was in first grade as a fifth grader gave all the individual classes a presentation on her diabetes. I was forced to give one in third grade after I came back from being dramatically rushed to the hospital after my heart started beating so fast and hard that you could see it thru my shirt, and after about a week out of school in another hospital in the bigger city two hours away because my hometown hospital wasn't equipped to treat pediatric cardiac problems. My third grade presentation on supraventricular tachycardia was well-received, and the school was sympathetic because all my classmates and teachers were like omg this angelic little child has a heart condition and everyone was scared that I might die 😢
... Next year's fourth grade presentation on I Shit Too Much Disease was less well-received, even as I tried to self-censor the inherently disgusting details. To add to that, my SVT had been corrected (for a few decades, it appears to be coming back after 2) by an ablation in late third grade, so the Scary Heart Explodey (not really) Disease had been tied up neatly and I was free to live as a Normal Child. But Crohn's disease was something else, something relatively new to the lexicon in the early millennium and I constantly had to explain my health to strangers as the unwilling IBD Ambassador of the town. This would be and still is life-long and particularly hard to treat (my Crohn's was once compared to brittle diabetes in the way it never did and still doesn't respond to treatment), and the sympathy of the ableds is fickle and short lasting. Even just a year after my Diagnosis, my teachers stopped caring WHY I was missing school and sleeping all the time and in the bathroom too long and only saw these as delinquent behaviors to be punished, and my classmates no longer had sympathy for the perceived special treatment I barely got and were convinced I was faking it all for attention
Anyway I'm digressing, but I did need to feel the need to give context to my school's attitude towards sick kids. Back to Disability/Differently Abled Week
...We were allowed to play with mobility aids. Yeeeah. To de-stigmatize of course, totes not to keep us occupied. At one point we played with wooden beads of different shapes to make "hearing aids" and microphones in the style of the day, and each class was allowed one wheelchair, two sets of crutches, and a few arm slings for kids to be assigned to use for half the day.
I had seen these before. There were only a few sick kids in my school and none in mobility aids, but 7 year olds do have some life experience in being in the outer world, and my hometown was a city and not insular, so I had been exposed to disabled people before. My grandmother's best friend was an old lady with a basic prosthetic foot and used a cane, and she was patient and i daresay a little proud to show it off when i was really little and we'd go to have tea/hot chocolate with her and i stared in fascination and asked innocently offensive questions. At seven I hadn't been diagnosed with SVT or Crohn's yet and my intense and agonizing leg pains had been dismissed by my pediatrician as a hysteric and melodramatic little girl's response to "growing pains" (I've stopped growing but still feel them, I'm just used to them enough after thirty years that I barely notice them unless my legs are touched). I knew about broken bones and as someone who still had potent memories of toddler ear infections that were bad enough to send me to the E.R, I had even taken a few rides in wheelchairs.
But being in a wheelchair constantly was a new experience for me, especially as this was a manual wheelchair that you pushed yourself with the big wheels in, not the hospital kind that nurses push for you. The thought of never having to use my legs was an intoxicating thought, and I had childhood delusions of being strong and muscley enough to be able to handle maneuvering it with my scarily emaciated noodle arms.
Aides were assigned by last name down the list, and the teacher just arbitrarily decided which one you'd get. My last name is fairly down the list, so I waited the better part of a week to get assigned, all the while eyeballing the wheelchair enviously as my classmates assigned to it got to play disabled in it. I wondered how to pop a wheelie in it (for the record, my immediate reaction to being given roller skates on my fourth birthday was to immediately try to do a trick jump off the porch and landed hard on my ass with miraculously intact bones and face). But mostly I was fascinated by the thought of never having to use my legs for an entire half a day. I kept my composure at school so not to be labeled a crybaby, but by the time I got home I sometimes couldn't even focus on Pokémon because my legs were too agonizing and I'd be crying. My parents were sympathetic enough to my leg pains that they bought me hot water bottles to sooth my knees and tried to get me to take my mind off it by meditating the pain away (I'm too bipolar to focus in meditation even then but everyone's reaction to my bipolar is another long ass post in the making). But they didn't care enough to advocate for me against my pediatrician, even as he ignored all my other dramatic symptoms that were beginning to become un-ignorable. It took until my heart emergency for any adult (ily Dr. Stein, my pediatric cardiologist who immediately realized I needed more help than just for SVT) to notice the misery I was in and get me the right help (ily Dr. Maizle, my first pediatric gastroenterologist and the only one who actually listened to me when i said some of the meds felt worse than the disease).
Anyway I was assigned crutches when my name was called and i nearly did finally snap and cry at school. Nearly. And the crutches (basic under armpit ones, not forearm crutches) sucked. They were painful in my armpits, they weren't adjusted to my height properly, and I fell a few times because I was trying to swing both my legs at the same time because BOTH my legs were in constant agony and I was trying to alleviate my body's pressure on them both. I had a miserable time "pretending" to be disabled, but I was the only one who complained about the crutches and so I went ignored, setting up the theme for my childhood.
This fascination with wheelchairs stuck with me and as I became a bigger kid and my body just piled on more illness and pain, but despite all that my legs were technically functional so I kept my yearning for a chair quiet for fear of being offensive (didn't know what appropriation meant back then but that was the feeling) and an actual attention seeker like my classmates accused me off. Sure, I was sick and constantly in pain, but at least I wasn't actually "stuck in a wheelchair". Could be worse. At least it's not cancer, after all.
It got to the point that by middle school i was having idle fantasies about being grievously and dramatically injured to the point I lose my aching leg(s) and thus was finally granted a wheelchair. In my darkest moments I wondered how much pain doing it myself would be in the moment, but the thing that snapped me out of crippling (I use that word deliberately) myself was that I genuinely love the feeling of sand beneath my feet and the way beach sand (I wouldn't see the ocean until my twenties, but the artifical lake we went to had sand) felt in between your toes and how my feet didn't ache so much as the hot sand conformed around them. I still kept this quiet because I knew it was crazy and was beginning to realize that I as a whole being was crazy, but I didn't want to be treated as crazy so I kept my fantasies secret.
I've lost the point I was trying to make as I ramble on about these physically painful memories but I'm going to end by saying lmfao I've been using a cane for my pain (to not great success tbh) and have been told I'll prolly need a wheelchair in the next few years. My trepidation about this is totally devoid of any "be careful what you wish for!" karma and everything to do with how infamously inaccessible the Atlantic Coast of the United States is for mobility access. The buildings are all old and pretty and no one wants to ruin the aesthetics of the rowhomes and the shops (except the liquor stores, make of that as you will) don't want to put in the money to add or replace the stairs getting up to the shops with ramps.
This is really dumb even before I started using aides, because EVERYONE can use a ramp while only SOME people can use stairs. And that's not even the end of it, if you manage to get into the shops the aisles are too small to get even a folding chair in between, and no one wants to put in the extra work to rearrange the store to cater to those seeking "special treatment". For years I thought the A.D.A had a grandfather clause that said historical buildings didn't have to adapt unless they renovate and that's why the older cities on the East Coast are the way they are. Nope, that clause doesn't exist. But no one is willing to enforce the A.D.A except SOMETIMES for federal buildings. Even some medical facilities are on stairs with no ramp. Baltimore IS in the middle of a years-long A.D.A lawsuit, but it's only for the absolutely abysmal sidewalks that prevent wheelchairs from going over them at all and makes it treacherous for canes and crutches. I see people in wheelchairs on the road more than I see them on sidewalks because it's the only way to get a wheelchair to move. Baltimore drivers are legitimately and legendarily terrifying. I wouldn't even want to ride a bike (were I still able) in the bike lanes, let alone wheel myself IN a major road. This is going to be a terrifying experience here, unless something very much changes and soon. But will the abled leaders care enough even if they're under lawsuit? I don't feel optimistic. But what choice do/will I have? It doesn't HAVE to be hard, but it WILL be because ableds don't care enough to make even the slightest change to make it easier for EVERYONE if it takes even the slightest bit of effort. See: their collective response to covid
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eldrai · 5 months
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self destruction & chronic illness
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i deserve to bleed, sushi soucy // same logic/teeth, brand new // hurt, nine inch nails // temple, tonight alive // i deserve to bleed // same logic/teeth // pretend, alex g
[would appreciate this not being tagged only mental health issues as it directly relates to my experiences with physical illness]
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Something there - Walter Deville x reader - Oneshot
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featuring Chronically ill reader!!! TW! mentions of self harm, death, and blood-drinking. takes place somewhere in the 14-1500s.
=
You let out a slow breath as you stepped into the castle that was known as Carfax Abbey, your grip tight on your lady's maids arm as your parents led the way through the grand hall and into the grand dining room; where the master of the three great families resided for the moment.
Your great-aunt died a few months back, allowing ample time for the master to process the event and select a new bride from the Alexander family. One of which-was you. Behind you were your fellow alexander ‘brides’; all around the same age as you, some just a smidge older. But you were all here for the same reason.
For Master Deville to take his pick of the litter, to pick his new bride of the available girls of the Alexander family. You had only seen him maybe once or twice in your life, unable to go to many of the grand parties he had hosted for the families, or greet him when he came to visit your home. You were different than the others, in a very obvious way. You had been born ill, only able to walk for short periods, constantly short of breath, vision a constant blur, and you were nearly always tired.
Even clutching onto Emma(your lady's maid) was extremely taxing on your body, and you knew you would need to sit down soon. Your parents hoped you would be chosen if only to not see you struggle through your life any longer. They had done their best to make you comfortable, but to see you wheeze, huff, and shake; just to stand, made their hearts ache. They prayed the master would take pity upon their only daughter.
They were told you probably wouldn’t make it to 25, you were barely 23 now, and it was getting harder to wake up as the months went by. They hoped and prayed to whatever god or demons that were listening to give you a chance with the master. They would be happy to grow old and watch you thrive with the master; but first, he would have to choose you.
Of which-today, was the first of several days for the master to make his choice. He wasn’t a man of looks, as you heard from your mother, he preferred for his brides to have something to them; artists, historians, fencers, scientists, writers. Many assumed he would want someone quiet, someone to stand there and look pretty as he stood front and center.
But apparently, that was wrong, his eldest bride-Viktoria, was quite….outspoken, a little bit mean, bloodthirsty, and jealous. You had heard the horror story of when your great aunt was chosen after her great-grandaunt had died, Viktoria had practically tortured her the first few years of the marriage, nearly driving your aunt to madness if the Billington bride hadn’t stepped in.
You just hoped you would be spared of her wrath if you were chosen, but hell-you had heard even those waiting to be picked were bullied by the Klopstock bride.
Your lady's maid had promised to be at your side whenever she could, knowing once the master took you aside to basically interview you, she would be unable to protect you. It only made you feel a bit better.
You blinked back into reality as everyone flooded into the grand dining room, the table pushed to one side with its chairs facing the set of doors that opened into the brilliant gardens that were lovingly tended to by the staff. Emma and your parents quickly shuffled you over to the table, sitting you down and getting you a glass of water.
As you had been ushered in, you had seen a glimpse of the master; standing in the sunlight and surveying every potential bride that came in. His eyes were shrouded by the sun, but you could feel his gaze as you stepped inside, lingering as you were sat down and taken care of.
He studied the dark circles under your eyes, the paleness of your lips, the noticeable flush in your cheeks; he could even smell it, the pain that clung to your bones, the sickness that never truly left you. He felt a small tug in his chest, an ache that told him to talk to you, to listen to you. He ignored it for the moment, knowing he had to examine all the choices before settling on a bride that would hopefully last longer than 100 years.
He waited until the last potential bride stepped in, one he recognized as Carla, and then spoke up “Thank you for coming. All of you, I know for many of you it was quite a journey to travel here” he made eye contact with your parents, your mother's hand resting on your shoulder, your skin freezing against her warm palm. They nodded back, feeling a bit of hope for you from how he seemed to almost speak directly to you and your family.
The master stepped further into the room, his face finally out of the blinding sunlight, revealing his diamond-cut jaw, crystal blue eyes, and soft-looking black hair. You swallowed a bit, noticing some of the other girls doing the same, he truly matched the stories of his beauty.
You leaned towards your lady's maid, whispering in her ear; “He’s so pretty” she giggled, her nose scrunching slightly as the master's eyes flickered over to you, the corner of his lip quirking a bit; a dimple making itself known for a split moment. You felt yourself flush, knowing he had heard your every word thanks to his supernatural hearing.
The master continued to speak, letting the families know all 7 girls would be staying for the week, to give him enough time to make a proper choice among them. Your mother’s hands clutched your shoulder, your father gave you a reassuring look. You had never been apart from them in all your life, your health didn’t allow you to, but you weren't all that worried; you were sure the master would make sure you were taken care of.
While you weren't a bride, you were a part of the Alexander family, and that alone warranted your protection. You just hoped you wouldn’t have a flare-up, the last one kept you bedridden for nearly two months. You were snapped back to reality as the master clapped his hands, a smirk on his handsome face “Now, I’m sure you’re all hungry, brunch is out in the gardens; please, indulge yourselves.” he gestured behind him, and the glass double doors opened, two butlers waiting on either side, each holding one of the doors.
Your fellow Alexander ‘brides’ all chattered with excitement, some giggling as they passed by the master. You huffed, you had just sat down and now you were going outside again. Your parents and lady’s maid let you try to stand up by yourself, always wanting to give you some sort of independence since your permanent illness would make sure you would never truly be independent. After a couple of attempts, you shook your head with a huffed sigh, your legs nearly paralyzed with pain, your father went to hoist you up; only to be stopped by the master
“Allow me,” he said, looking down at you with a silent question for your permission to carry you. You nodded, flushing as he crouched next to your chair and easily lifted you out of it, your arms going around his neck and Emma fixed your dress before the master walked out into the gardens, some of your fellow ‘brides’ looking excited for you(some looking slighted at the master's clear tilt towards you), giggling amongst each other as the master set you into one of the free chairs, your parents soon sitting on either side of you.
The master announced he had some work to finish up in his study, but you all had the rest of the day to get comfortable in the house and he would see everyone at dinner. With that, he left and everyone burst into chatter, some girls swooning over the master while others muttered to themselves, the two nearest two you; Kalista and Serena(two of your favorite cousins in fact) turning to you with teasing grins.
“it seems the master has already taken a shine to you (n/n)~!” Serena laughed, her teasing light-hearted and sweet, chuckling as you flushed and looked down at your plate, Emma already in the midst of fetching your food. “Quite” Kalista hummed, accepting her plate of food from one of the butlers and grabbing a strawberry “I’ve heard the master does take a bit to warm up to new brides, and yet it seems you’ve caught his eye already. And you’re the one he hasn’t seen in a very long time”
You hummed in agreement; you could account the master's interest in you to you really never being around when he was. Again; thanks to your illness. You could recall maybe two times you were in the same room, once when you were very young and attending your Aunts wedding(your mother's sister, not your great-aunt), you had been the flower girl and spotted the master in the shadows; and just like today, you had thought he was very pretty.
You could recall telling him that as well, beaming up at him with your front tooth missing as he looked a bit flustered at the bluntness and then smiled down at you, almost looking thrown off at you.  “uh, thank you?” he nearly stuttered, as if he was unsure how to respond to such a genuine compliment, likely one he hadn't received in years. You told him he was welcome, and stumbled back off to rejoin the festivities, and only 10 minutes later you were tucked away in a quiet corner, dragged down by sudden fatigue, pain bolting up your legs, and the lack of air entering your lungs.
To this day you swore you heard the master hum down at you, and lay his jacket across your smaller body, the shivers that wracked it slowly stopping as he walked away.
You smiled at the faded memory, by the time you were conscious; the jacket was gone and you were back in your bed, the fire alight in the corner of your room and a bed warmer lay beneath your sheets. But you remembered what it smelled like; faded metal and a grand forest.
You perked up as Emma set a plate in front of you, decorated with fresh fruit, French toast, and eggs. You hummed, rubbing your hands together, huffing as you realized your hands were cold-they were always cold, no matter the weather. As you began to eat, you felt a pair of eyes on the back of your head, you turned just enough see into the castle, seeing the master looking right back down at you from his upstairs study.
He almost looked surprised to see you looking back at him, biting the inside of his cheek as you carefully waved to him with a shy smile. he waved back, just as shy-then seemed to realize he was doing it and turned away, disappearing from the window; likely going back to work.
You hummed to yourself, turning back to your food and digging back in, listening to the conversations around you, some talking about the master, some talking about what they would do if they were chosen, and some talking about how to get the masters approval and become the ~Alexander Bride~.
You had a feeling they wouldn’t be chosen no matter what they did, some of their-plans-sounded very…pushy, and most likely the master could hear them from his study, and had already crossed them off his list.
Then again, he did marry Viktoria.
-
You cursed whoever put you in the upstairs room, one that particularly sat all the way in the back of the halls, leaving you nearly isolated from anyone and the furthest away from the stairs-which were the bane of your existence. “Great, just great” you muttered to yourself as you clung to the wall, attempting to get back to your room after going to the bathroom, huffing and wincing as a raging headache made itself known, along with the usual pain going up your legs.
You could feel your lungs ache with the effort to keep working, and you had a feeling you weren’t going to make it to dinner that night. “lady (y/n)!” you turned, seeing the lady's maid for the Alexander brides, Mrs. Swift, rushing up to your side, her brown hair streaked with grey and pulled back into a bun “oh dear-here, let me help! Oh why they put you all the way in the back will never make sense-come’ come” you smiled and thanked her, shaking your head as she told you it was her job to do so.
“Still, you’re going out of your way, you probably have many things to do” you mumbled, leaning heavily into Mrs. Swift as she practically carried you back to your room, setting you on the bed as soon as you arrived. You went to take off your shoes but Mrs. Swift quickly attended to that before you could even lean down, and you huffed slightly-Emma always let you take care of that, again-just to give you that bit of independence.
"Thank you,” you told Mrs. Swift anyway, smiling at her as she set your shoes by the bed. You looked out the window, seeing the sun was beginning to set “um-could-could you tell” you fiddled with your fingers, biting the inside of your lip, glancing down as Mrs. Swift turned to you “Could you tell the master, I won't be able to make it to dinner? I can hardly walk on my own and Emma was excused for the rest of the day, and-and I don’t wish to be a burden on anyone”
Mrs. Swift frowned, clearly about to say you weren’t a burden when you suddenly felt a presence at the door and you turned, freezing as you saw the master, looking back at you with those ocean eyes of his. “Nonsense” the master huffed, frowning a bit as he stepped further into the room “you shouldn’t be left out, you deserve to be at dinner; just as everyone else will be.” you swallowed harshly, curling in on yourself; preparing to slightly back talk to the master.
“well-i-I can't walk on my own right now, it hurts to” the master looked very concerned at that “and-everything is flaring up-i-I’m afraid I would just be holding everyone back” you ended in a whisper, knowing he could hear every word. The master just shook his head again, turning to Mrs. Swift and speaking in a tone that clearly meant you couldn’t convince him to leave you out for the night.
“Get her ready by dinner time, and then come get me-I’ll escort Ms. (y/n) to dinner myself” you were about to object, about to say he didn’t have to do that for you-that you didn’t want to be a burden, but he just stared you down. He wasn’t taking no for an answer. So you just sighed and nodded, pouting a bit as he nodded back with a smirk and walked out of the room; leaving you with flushed cheeks and…a surprised Mrs. Swift.
“Well that’s a first” she muttered, shaking her head as you asked her what she meant. “nothing my dear, now, let’s select your dress for tonight, something lightweight hm?”
-
You kinda wished your parents were staying the week with you, but alas-they weren’t, such was the same for the rest of the girls, parents came to drop them off-ate brunch, and then they were off, leaving their daughters behind with their maids and the master; hoping for the best.
You could really use a dad hug right about now, nervously sitting at the foot of your bed, dressed in a light cotton gown that was sinched gently to your waist, the emerald green of the tunic dress complimenting the deep brown of your boots.
You played with your fingers as the flickering light of the fireplace danced across your face, the sun having been set a few minutes ago; Mrs. Swift having left to get the master around the same time. You sat up with flushed cheeks as someone knocked on your door. You told them to come in, looking down as the master walked in, looking quite nice in a deep red flowing shirt, a vest overtop it with a long vest like-jacket overtop that, with dark trousers and leather boots.
“you look lovely, Ms. (y/n), are you ready for dinner?” the master complimented, then asked, a smile on his lips as you nodded, allowing him to wander over and pick you up, your legs feeling like pins as you attempted to move them to get situated in his arms. You sighed at the feeling, knowing you had pushed your body too far today and would be either bedridden for the next few days, or carried everywhere.
If the master was the one to carry you though, you weren’t sure if that was such a bad thing. You huffed at the thought, forcing it away as the master walked out of your room, Mrs. Swift closing the door behind him and following him to the grand dining room, where it was set up for a grand dinner, a two wonderfully cooked hogs set in the middle of the table, ready to be carved and served.
“Smells wonderful” you muttered, tucking your chin into your chest as the master chuckled, his voice vibrating in your ear. He set you down near the head of the table and went to talk with his butler, Mr. Fields if you remembered correctly; after a few moments he walked back over to you and told you that everyone would be down soon, he didn’t want to make you a spectacle by arriving last with you.
You smiled, thanking him quietly, you really didn’t like being made the center of attention; especially when it related to something you couldn’t control. Soon the rest of the girls came flooding into the dining room, Serena and Kalista quickly sitting on either side of you, giving you knowing(teasing) grins as you sank into your seat; feeling your ears and cheeks heat up as the master went to stand at the head of the table, only two chairs down.
As soon as everyone was sat, the master clapped his hands together, his gaze running across the 7 girls, all hoping to be chosen to be the Alexander bride. “once again, I thank you all for coming. As you all know, Lady Marian Alexader, passed a few months ago; and as per the contract your ancestors made so many moons ago-I am in need of a new Alexander bride.” The girls all glanced amongst each other, giggling at the prospect of being his bride, but you kept your eyes on him, and he looked back; furrowing his brows as he heard a slight wheeze as you breathed. “of which, over the next week, I will make my selection. Do not be afraid to show who you truly are and what your passions are, I will make my choice this next Monday, eight days after today.”
One day for each potential bride to make their ‘argument’ to the master. There were 7 of you, and starting tomorrow, he would begin his…well, his interviews with each girl. You hoped your current flare-up wouldn’t develop into something more. You sighed to yourself, knowing you probably just jinxed yourself. You jumped slightly, doing your best to cover your surprised cough in your elbow as the Master clapped his hands again.
Serena patted your back, giving you a comforting smile as you looked at her bashfully, knowing you had drawn attention to yourself by coughing in the middle of the master's speech. Some girls-who didn’t know of your many illnesses- glared at you, while the others just gave you smiles like Serena, quietly telling you it was okay and you weren’t embarrassing yourself or them.
The master had looked at you for a long moment, furrowing his brows as he heard your breath continue to wheeze and struggle-just like it had upon your arrival. He cleared his throat quietly, looking back towards the other girls “tonight, we dine together, tomorrow, I dine with one of you-as shall I dine with each of you on each night.” He held out his hands towards the feast laid on the table, the first of many meals of the week “please, eat.”
With that, the table burst into chatter, butlers and maids moving forward to help the girls fill their plates; you were distracted attempting to get some air back in your lungs-not wanting to deal with an asthma attack right now. You smiled as Serena set a few slices of the roasted hog on your plate, along with your favorite sides; smiling brightly as you thanked her.
“Honestly I’m surprised you remembered which part of the hog I liked” you muttered to her, laughing as she gave you a very sister-like ‘duh’ look. “And why would I forget? It’s the part I don’t like” she giggled, stealing one of your roasted carrots and popping it in her mouth, laughing as you sneakily tossed a dried cranberry at her.
While you feasted, you glanced back at the master, seeing his plate only having meat and stuffing, his cup filled with a wine that smelled-different than any you had before. You ignored it, knowing what the master was. A demon-many called him; by those outside the village the castle rested over, but to the families, he was near a savior, one who had protected them from war and famine over the last few centuries. It would make sense for him to have only meat and ‘wine’ as his meal, you never thought vampires would be interested in vegetables or fruits.
By the end of dinner, everyone was sated and antsy for the events to come, glancing between the master and their almost empty plates; wondering what would happen after dessert was served. Which-was about now, a tray full of pastries, tarts, and pies being carried into the room, the girls making their selection of the spread.
Your eyes locked onto the custard pie. Walter caught your gaze and gestured for it to be set on your plate before anyone else could snatch it. Carla looked a bit disappointed but didn’t speak of her loss, happily taking a blueberry tart instead.
You hummed happily as you took a bite of the custard pie, dancing in your seat slightly as the table burst into chatter again, feeling eyes on you as you ate. You looked towards the feeling, seeing the master looking at you over his chalice, his brow perked with interest. You felt your cheeks flush and you looked back down at your plate, puffing your cheeks as Kalista gave you a teasing smirk.
Soon the master announced that you all had the rest of the night free and were free to explore the castle, but you were all warned to avoid the north wing as that was where his other two brides were(along with the currently unoccupied Alexader suite), and he wanted to avoid any…events. You knew he meant the Klopstock bride, Viktoria, you had met the current Billington bride once, when you were younger, and she was quite nice.
Everyone nodded and soon dispersed, leaving you alone at the table with the master and Serena “Do you need help up to your room?” Serena asked, pushing in her chair and pulling yours out, fully willing to carry you back up to your room.
You hummed, nodding slightly, your legs still felt like pins, and it would be agony to walk. Serena nodded back, about to help you stand when the master stepped next to your chair “Allow me, please” he said with a smile, bowing his head as Serena skipped back with a grin directed down at you. “Of course Lord Deville, goodnight (y/n)~” she sang, skipping off to join Kalista in exploring the castle.
You huffed at her, turning back to the master with a rapidly beating heart, clearing your throat in an attempt to get rid of the wheeze coming from your chest. “May I?” he asked again, his arms reaching towards you. “you may” you whispered back, lifting your arms to wrap around his shoulders as his hands curled around your back and knees, easily lifting you and carrying you back to your room, gently setting you back on your bed and stepping back as you got comfortable.
“If you need anything, just call out, there's always someone awake around here.” the master said with a polite bow of his head, smiling softly as you thanked him and waited till he left; letting out a shuddering sigh as his footsteps receded from your room. “oh-my-god” you muttered, patting your heated cheeks.
Nearly for the entirety of dinner-the master had been staring at you. You could count on one hand the times he looked away, but-gods-for the first time in a very long time, you didn’t feel like you were being stared at like an oddity, but out of pure interest. You really count recall the last time you had been looked at like that, other than by your close family or your best friend Grace.
You took a deep breath to regain your senses, shaking your head “Probably heard you wheezing the entire dinner” you grumbled, reaching behind your back and undoing the strings of your dress, slowly and carefully getting undressed; sighing in relief when you were down to your undergarments, that dress was one of your lightest and easiest to wear for your bad days-but still-it was quite tight around the waist area.
“Ms?” you heard Mrs. Swift call out from the other side of the door “Do you need any assistance getting ready for bed?” you looked around, and then down at yourself…yeah-you couldn’t feel your legs and you really didn’t want to sleep in your underwear. “yes please” you called back, sitting up straight as Mrs. Swift stepped in and got straight to work, helping you get changed and setting your dress and undergarments in their proper places.
“Is there anything else you’ll be needing ma’am?” Mrs. Swift asked, her hands clasped in front of her. You nodded slightly, pointing at the fireplace a few feet away from the window and your bed “yes, could-could you possibly have that lit up? I know it was on a few hours ago but” you paused, playing with your fingers “heat helps the flare-ups” Mrs. Swift nodded with a smile and hurried off to gather what she needed to make the fire.
As Mrs. Swift tended to that, you got comfortable in bed, already falling asleep by the time she returned.  She made sure the fire was safe, set your blankets right, and quietly made her way out of your room, jumping slightly as she saw the master just down the hall-his head tilted slightly at your door. “She’s settled for the night master Deville” Mrs. Swift whispered, knowing he could easily hear every word. “She’s as comfortable as she can be”
The master let out a low hum, his eyes trained on your bedroom door. “Good, make sure she is for the rest of her stay” the master muttered, turning on his heel to attend to his duties before he turned in for the night. Mrs. Swift nodded-and returned to her duties, checking up on you every once in a while.
-
The next day was quiet-the master had breakfast with his potential bride of choosing-as he would do for the rest of you; and spent nearly the entire day with her. At one point you adventured off to the library(with Emma and Serena’s help of course), finding the two sitting by the grand window, enjoying a quiet lunch together.
You caught the master's eye when you were on your way out, a thin and well-read book in your hands. The master glanced down at the book and looked pleasantly surprised, a smile crinkling at his eyes-but his attention was diverted back to his present ‘date’ nodding along to the woman's quiet words.
You continued to catch the master's eyes throughout the day, when you were having afternoon tea with Serena and Kalista-seeing him wander in the gardens with his current date, Emmalie-you thought her name was, his eyes looking up to see you, and staying there for a moment before his attention was once again brought back to Emmalie.
Later-you were out in the gardens, giving Emma a chance to rest after practically carrying you around all day(you didn’t want to stay cooped up all week) resting under the shade of a tree, when you felt eyes on you. You looked up, seeing the master looking at you, curiously. You smiled back, waving a bit before going back to the book you had procured from the library.
You heard him walk over to you, his form joining you in the shade “Now that’s a book I haven’t seen in a while, at least to be read by anyone else than I” the master hummed, his head tilted down at you, his eyes almost shining in the shade. You hummed back, carefully folding your finger between the page you had landed on and the cover-closing the book and looking up at the master.
“Well-its one my great aunt, Marian, read to me when I was a babe, I do remember enjoying it, and I very much still do” the master looked pleased, a spark in his eye that wasn’t there a moment before, and hadn’t been there all day oddly enough. “Good, good” the master muttered, glancing over his shoulder “that is one of my favorites as well, a first edition actually-one of the first few prints the author made” you gasped, unable to help the grin on your face as you held the book closer to your chest-a sight that made the master’s shoulders drop a bit, a crinkle coming to his eye.
“That’s amazing” you whispered, looking back down at the book, gently caressing the fine cover. You didn’t see the soft gaze the master was looking down on you with, tilting his head at you curiously. His attention was once again diverted to his date for the day, she was walking out of the manor-clearly looking for him. “well, I have to go” the master muttered, righting his shirt collar-looking down at you again with a smile “I look forward to our day together” you smiled up at him and nodded, telling him the same, watching as he walked away and greeting Emmalie with his arm-leading her off towards the stables.
You hummed, opening the book again and continuing to read-wondering what the master had in store for your ‘date’ day.
-
The next day you were in bed all day, resting your legs from the last two days, they felt almost numb-yet you felt nothing but pain when you tried to move them. So you settled for reading the book you had procured the day before and regaining your strength, thanking whatever gods were listening for not afflicting you with any illness, those always made you feel like you had been run over by an ox.
When Emma came by to make sure you were comfortable and give you dinner, she giggled a bit as she corrected your blankets “What’s so funny?” you asked her, licking your lips free of sauce as you set down a piece of ham. “Nothing nothing” she hummed, looking back at you with a cheeky grin as she checked the fire “just the master was asking about you~”
You felt your cheeks flush, but convinced yourself and Emma that he was being a good host, it was his right to wonder about the whereabouts of one of his guests. “uhuh, keep telling yourself that my lady, but he did seem very concerned, reminded me of your mother when you have a flare-up” she teased, remembering the furrow of the master's brow when he asked where you had been all day-he hadn’t seen you once, unlike the day before.
When she told him you had been bedridden due to your legs, he only looked more worried, only relaxing when she told him you had gone through this exact situation before and had healed within a day or two with proper rest. You attempted to reach out and smack Emma for telling you such lies-huffing as she skipped out of your reach and took your empty cup, going out to get you a refill.
You sighed, leaning back against your pillows, wincing as you pulled up your legs-shocks of pain going up your thighs and surrounding your knees. You froze as someone knocked on your door-couldn’t have been Emma, she had just left- you called for them to come in, feeling your face flush as the master stepped in, leaving the door open behind him as he took you in.
“Good evening,” the master said, his hands placed behind his back, rocking forward for a moment before he stood straight again “I just, wanted to see how you were doing. I hadn’t seen you all day, your lady’s maid-Emma” he quickly said her name as you narrowed your eyes, she had become family in the last five years she had served you, you saw no point to call her by her title. “Said you were bed-ridden. I just-wanted to make sure you were okay.”
You smiled, tilting your head just so-the master almost mimicked you with the motion “I’ll be fine. Nothing I haven’t dealt with before; just need a few days to let my legs rest.” The master looked deep in thought at your words, his eyes turning down to the book in your hands. “Thank you, for checking on me” The master seemed to snap back into reality, nodding at your words.
“Yes, of course. Would-“ he cleared his throat, pointing at the book, your bookmark having made its place at the end for the 4th time now. “would you like to read something else? I have a few suggestions if you would like?” you beamed, nodding; you would love to read anything from his library-especially since you seemed to have similar tastes in literature.
The master nodded, taking a quick step back “I’ll be right back then” with that, he stepped out of your room and closed the door behind him, his steps quickly fading away from your room-it almost sounded like he was running to get to his library. You giggled to yourself, happily admitting to yourself that his current attitude was very-cute.
Emma was the first to return, setting your refilled cup on the nightstand next to your bed and bowing out as you told her to enjoy the rest of her night “I’ll check up on you in a little bit my lady, goodnight” Emma hummed, closing the door behind her. You grabbed your cup, sipping at it while you finished re-reading the book you had borrowed from the masters library, perking up as his now familiar knock echoed from your door. “Come in” you called, smiling as the master pushed open the door, a small stack of books in his hand. You beamed at the sight, and here you thought he would only get you one.
“I couldn’t just pick one” he chuckled, seeming a bit shy as he walked over to your side and set the books down next to your bed, rubbing the back of his neck as he stood tall. “but you should enjoy these, they’re similar to that one” he pointed down at the book in your hands. You hummed, closing the one you had just finished again and setting it aside-picking up the top book from the new stack.
“Thank you, lord Deville; you really didn’t have to do this for me” you hummed, smiling as he shrugged, his hands going behind his back as he leaned forward a bit then stood straight-something you noticed he did when was thinking. “You can just call me Walter, or Walt.” The master-Walter-muttered, almost seeming shy in the way he said it. You giggled a bit, tilting your head “Do the other girls get that privilege?” you teased, feeling a bit brave. Walter just grinned back. “No” and with that, he bowed out, leaving you flustered.
“He did that on purpose.” You muttered to yourself, burying your now very warm face into your new book.
-
The next few days were about the same as before, you were practically stuck in your room; Emma and Mrs. Swift going in and out to make sure you were comfortable, with some visits from Serena and Kalista, the two soon telling you about their days with the master. Upon the seventh day of the week, you were finally up and around-of course having Emma with you so you didn’t hurt yourself. You quickly got dressed upon waking up that fresh spring morning, and then soon found your way outside, basking in the glow of the warm sun.
You felt compelled to take a nap, the grass underneath you so soft and the sun like a wonderful blanket. But you had only woken up a few hours ago-it wasn’t even nine yet-so you settled for reading one of the last few books Walter had given you, leaning against a large tree as a breeze brushed through your hair.
“There you are,” you looked up, seeing Walter walking towards you, a basket in one hand and a blanket in the other, wearing a soft blue tunic over a greyish top. “Feeling better?” you nodded, stretching your legs out to show him. “Good, hungry?” you nodded again, setting aside your book as Walter got down on the ground next to you and set down the basket-full of breakfast foods-and flared out the blanket.
“A picnic?” you hummed, adjusting yourself to sit on the blanket, leaning on your hand as Walter did the same and began to sift through the basket. “I thought it appropriate since you’ve been stuck inside since the third day, question” Walter perked up, suddenly remembering something, looking at you as he handed you a slice of warmed brown bread.
You hummed, biting into it; nodding for him to ask away “Can you ride a horse?” you laughed, bright and slightly surprised at the question but it was valid, you could only walk for short amounts of time, horse riding took a lot of leg strength, but yes-you could ride. Your horse at home was trained to allow you to ride with minimal use of your legs.
“Yes, yes I can.” You giggled, patting Walter’s knee as he flushed a bit, probably thinking the question was a bit personal or pushy. “I love riding actually” Walter looked relieved at that, taking a small breath as you dug into the breakfast he had unfolded, his eyes looming over to the book you had read about halfway through now.
“How are you liking that one?” Walter asked, pointing at the book, chewing on a piece of bread as you picked the aforementioned item up and shook it about, beaming all the while. “I think it’s wonderful; thank you for suggesting it.” Walter smiled, nodding a bit. “You’re welcome, it’s one of my favorites, I have yet to meet its equal.”
You nodded; you could easily say the same. It was a daring tale of true love and adventure, with a dash of sword fighting and humor to put the cherry on top.
The rest of your morning was filled with quiet talking, mostly about the books you had read over the last few days while being bed-ridden, and you asked if there were any more books he would suggest for you to read before you went back home(even if you were chosen, you would return home for a few months to gather your things and get ready for the wedding). He hummed, rubbing his chin. “I do, most if not all the books I gave you so far are from my personal collection, and I do have a wide arrange of books.” Walter chuckled, leaning back on his palm, smiling as you laughed, happy to know that.
“Would you be willing to let me into that collection and take a pick? You have very good taste and I would love to read more” you asked, leaning towards him and nearly squealing as he nodded, tilting his head just so as you silently celebrated. “We can go after we finish up here if you’d like? If you feel up to it” Walter suggested, grinning as you nodded and began to clean up the mess you and Walter had made during breakfast “I’ll get it darling” you froze as the pet name slipped from Walter’s lips, a name he either didn’t realize or care he called you, quickly cleaning up the blanket and putting the leftovers back inside the basket-helping you stand and curling his arm around your waist as you practically rushed him back inside-eager to see the library again.
He chuckled at that, easily holding you to his side as you ventured to the library, soon guiding you to a quiet corner that was brightly lit with a large chair in the corner, hidden from the rest of the library. There was only one bookshelf, filled with books-there were some spaces but you guessed those were the books Walter had already taken out to give you.
You selected two more, carefully watching Walter’s reaction as you did so-happily taking two mid-sized books that his eyes nearly sparked at. Soon you found yourself outside again, under the shade of a large tree, your legs tossed over Walter’s lap as he rested against the trunk, his eyes nearly closed as you read aloud from the book you had been reading before his arrival.
“The Sicilian returned to the other side of the boat. “She would have screamed,” he said. “She was about to cry out. My plan was ideal as all my plans are ideal. It was the moon's ill timing that robbed me of perfection” he scowled unforgivingly at the yellow wedge above them. Then he stared ahead. “There!” the Sicilian pointed. “The cliffs of insanity.” You giggled as you finished the paragraph, this character certainly was a bit daft-no matter how much ‘thought’ he put into his plans or ego he put into his brain.
Walter smiled at the sound, a sound he would like to hear more often. He opened his eyes, looking at you, your eyes glued to the leather-bound book that was decorated with painted gold, your fingers carefully trailing the words on the well-read page.
You continued to read, and Walter let his eyes fall shut again, one of his hands finding your knee that rested across his lap-enjoying your voice as you read one of his favorite books. Many thought his choice of books would be poetry, dramas, tragedies; things similar to that, but he liked adventure-books filled with passion and knowledge beyond his own. And it now was obvious you liked the same, happily reading anything he suggested-you had even picked out another one of his favorites upon your first visit to his library.
His current brides-Viktoria Klopstock, and Vasilica Billington-didn’t find such joy in reading like he did-it was how he escaped the word as a child and teen, so to finally share that with someone…was a bit…relieving, if he must say. He never quite connected to them as a husband should, he honestly never expected to, their marriages were out of convenience and due to the arrangement the three families had made near 200 years ago now.
But he had a feeling-you would be different. Out of the several potential brides that had come to make their deference, you were the only one to catch his eye, and keep it through the week-like that first day, he had almost been unable to focus on his date with Emmalie in favor of watching you.
Walter sniffed, sitting up against the tree trunk, opening his eyes as your legs moved to slide off his lap, watching as you joined him on the trunk and got comfortable. “That position was starting to hurt” you whispered and Walter hummed, holding back a frown. You had been sitting up with your legs across his lap-maybe for only a few minutes-it shouldn’t hurt you to sit like that.
Soon enough, as you continued to read, your shoulder ended up against his, leaning on him as you dove into the tale the book offered you. Walter licked his lips, a question burning at his lips-and he decided to just go for it. “So-” he started, clearing his throat as his voice cracked ever so slightly, you laughed lightly at the sound, turning him with a raised brow “How long have you been affected by all” he gestured to you and then the air-looking unsure of how to word anything. “this?”
You closed the book, leaning forward slightly and looking up to the cloudy sky, the sun still blanketing the grounds with its warmth. “…I don’t remember a day I wasn’t sick” you whispered, which reached Walter’s ear easily. He frowned, tilting his head slightly “you mean, you’ve always had problems with your health?” he asked, just to clarify. You nodded; your leg issues had come later in life-but only due to you not using them as much as you should’ve in your developmental years. But your breathing and basic health had always been weak.
“When I was a child, sometimes the slightest thing would cause me to be Ill for weeks on end, I don’t really remember a time I wasn’t sick.” You muttered, laying your legs flat and huffing, feeling your lungs wheeze with the effort to keep them full of air. “I haven't run since I was five, by that time I could never get enough air to pace myself and my legs were already starting to go awry.”
Walter stared at you, his unbeating heart hurting for you. He knew he could help-if he chose you, if you accepted his proposal-just one drop of his blood would give you the life you had missed out on, your lungs would no longer need air, and your legs would feel brand new. You shook your head, laughing a bit “listen to me, rambling away about my problems. I shouldn’t.”
“I asked” Walter pushed, reaching up and tucking a stray hair behind your ear, smiling softly as you glanced at him. He looked away first, licking his lips and leaning forward a bit before he asked another question “What would you do? If you were chosen? And became one of us?” you blinked, twice, three times, then sighed, a wistful smile on your face.
“I would run as fast as I could” that’s what you really wanted to do. To run, to feel the wind in your hair, your arms pumping at your sides as your feet hit the ground-with no worry that you would be in so much pain the next hour. You said as such to Walter, who stared at you with eyes that were growing softer by the minute. For a moment, you almost thought it was pity-you had seen it all your life-but it wasn’t; you couldn't tell what it was, not yet.
“Good answer” Walter whispered, looking up at the sun and nodding to himself, standing and holding out his hand to you “shall we have some lunch?” you nodded, feeling just a bit lighter getting that not-so-deep secret off your chest-taking his hand and letting him help you up-leaning into his side as he guided you towards the stables.
“Where are we going?” you asked, sitting down as Walter got out a set of horses, one deep black and the other a russet brown. Walter helped you onto the brown one, apparently named Belle. “There's a lake a few miles away from here, I set up another picnic for us there” he patted the basket resting on his horse’s saddle-presumably filled with the picnic he mentioned. “it's quite beautiful at night as well, you can see everything”
You smiled, tilting your head a bit “Another picnic?....I don’t think I’ve spent a night outside in quite a while, me and cold don’t really mix well” Walter paused, shit he hadn’t thought of that. “I’ll make sure to keep you warm then.” he said in response, mentally thanking his past self for packing extra blankets and for there being a fire pit close to where he had planned the picnic. You laughed at his words, flushing a bit “Are you flirting?”
“Why, is it working?” Walter teased, smiling as you giggled, he climbed into his horse and grabbed the reins, turning to look at you over his shoulder “Come along now, before the food gets cold” you hummed, snapping the reins of your horse and it followed Walter. You admired the forest you rode through as Walter led you to the lake on a well-taken path, and soon you arrived at the lake-the sun beaming down on its still surface-the forest surrounding it evergreen and lush, at a small curve-sat a picnic-resting just near a firepit, along with a few books.
“More books?” you gasped, laughing as Walter just shrugged “hey, I like to read just as you.” He shot back, a smile on his lips as you continued to laugh loudly-dropping as you suddenly wheezed and coughed, Belle stopping in her tracks as you doubled over. Walter quickly dismounted, rushing over to you and getting you off of Belle before you fell, a panic in his eyes as you pressed your hand to your chest and struggled to breathe.
“What-what do I do?” Walter nearly yelped, feeling so foolish for not asking Emma how to help you through a breathing attack-and for going so far out from help. You just grabbed his hand, scrunching your nose for a moment as you attempted to regain control of your breathing. The horses rumbled nervously, Belle taking several steps away as Walter held you tight to his chest.
In the minutes that passed-which felt like several panic-filled hours to Walter-you took several deep controlled breaths, closing your eyes as you let yourself fall into Walter’s arms, feeling suddenly very exhausted from the attack. “Did I do that?” Walter asked as everything calmed down. You shook your head, patting his arm as he walked you over to the blanket.
“They come on randomly sometimes-that wasn’t the worst I’ve had-but when I laugh hard-It can cause one, so-I try to control myself usually” you muttered, and Walter felt guilty at being the reason for your laughter. You smiled up at him “Please don’t” you could see the guilt in his eyes and stiff body “it’s not your fault” you tugged him down to sit with you, leaning on his shoulder “I could feel it coming on anyways, this time It just had a trigger.” Walter hummed, looking out onto the lake, drumming his fingers against the blanket.
When he remembered the food, he left your side for a moment, tying the horses to a tree that rested near the lake-letting them rest and get some water, soon returning with the food and the book you had been reading earlier-though this time, he let you eat as he continued where you left off, his voice soothing as you settled down.
“Will you promise not to hurt him” Buttercup whispered. “What was that?” The prince said. “what was that?” Westley said. Buttercup took a step forward and said; “if we surrender, freely and without struggle, if life returns to what it was one dusk ago, will you swear not to hurt this man?” Prince Humperdinck raised his right hand: “I swear on the grave of my soon-to-be-dead father and the soul of my already dead mother that I shall not hurt this man, and if I do, may I not hurt again though I live a thousand years.” Buttercup turned to Westley. “There,” she said “you can’t ask for more than that, and that is the truth”
“The truth,” said Westley, “is that you would rather live with your prince than die with your love.” “I would rather live than die, I admit it” “We were talking about love, madam” There was a long pause. Then buttercup said it: “I can live without love”
There was a sound of pain from beside Walter, and he looked to it, seeing you lying next to him-looking back up with shocked eyes. “She rejects him? after all he did for her?” you asked, having never read this story before. Walter hummed, nodding slightly “She does, I admit when I first read it-I nearly threw the book” Walter chuckled, flipping to the next page-seeing it was the end of the current chapter. “but things get better, I assure you”
You hummed, closing your eyes and letting yourself fall back to that space between sleep and life, Walter’s body heat and the fire he lit as the sun began to dim keeping you warm. Soon a blanket joined you, and Walter continued to read, his hand finding the small of your back as you curled up next to him-enjoying his voice and the tale.
Walter looked up as he noticed the painted skies turning pink that blended with blue and orange. He glanced down beside him, you were asleep-your hand clutching the blanket that covered you-your face shadowed by the flickering fire that kept you warm. He marked his spot on the book and set it to the side, brushing your hair away from your face and whispering he would be back.
Within the blink of an eye, he was gone-and only two blinks later-he returned, with a new basket of food. He set out the meal he had prepared by his personal cook and shook you gently, leaning back on his heels as you slowly woke up, a slow wheezing breath escaping your lips. “Oh,” you whispered, rubbing your eyes as you sat up, seeing the steaming food that sat on the blanket “thank you”
Walter hummed, working on a piece of lamb as you grabbed some bread and meat-about to grab the book again when Walter beat you to it, winking as he opened it when he left off and continued to read, adjusting himself as you leaned against him, reading alongside him as you ate.
“Your guess is as good as mine,” Inigo said. “Get his mouth as wide open as you can and tilt his head back a little and we’ll drop it in and see.” Fezzik worked at the dead man’s mouth a while, got it the way Inigo said, tilted the neck perfect the first time, and Inigo knelt directly above the cavity, dropped the pill down, and as it hit the throat he heard, “Couldn’t be me alone, you dastards; well, I beat you each apart, I’ll beat you both together.” “you’re alive!” Fezzik cried. The man in black sat immobile, like a ventriloquist’s dummy, just his mouth moving. “that is perhaps the most childishly obvious remark I have ever come across, but what can you expect from a strangler. Why won't my arms move?”
“You’ve been dead,” Inigo explained. “And we’re not strangling you,” Fezzik explained, “we were just getting the pill down” “the resurrection pill,” Inigo explained “I bought it from miracle max and it works for sixty minutes” “what happens after sixty minutes? Do I die again? (it wasn’t sixty minutes; he just thought it was. Actually, it was forty; only they had used up one already in conversation, so it was down to thirty-nine.)”
“We don’t know. Probably you just collapse and need tending for a year or however long it takes to get your strength back” “I wish I could remember what it was like when I was dead,” the man in black said. “I’d write it down. I could make a fortune on a book like that. I can't move my legs either” “that will come. It’s suppose to. Max said the tongue and the brain were shoo-ins and probably you’ll be able to move, but slowly.” “the last thing I remember was dying, so I am I on this wall? Are we enemies? Have you got names? I’m the dread pirate Roberts, but you can call me ‘Westly’.”
“Fezzik.” “Inigo Montoya of Spain. Let me tell you what's going on-“ he stopped and shook his head “No’ he said, “there's too much, it would take too long, let me distill it for you; the wedding is at six, which leaves us probably now something over half an hour to get in, steal the girl, and get out; but not before I kill count Rugen.”
“What are our liabilities” “there is but one working castle gate and it is guarded by perhaps a hundred men” “hmmm,” Westly said, not as unhappy as he might have been ordinarily because just then he began to be able to wiggle his toes.”
As Walter read on, the night crawled forward-the stars and moon illuminating the lake. At some point, he found himself lying next to you, the still strong fire -which he had made sure to keep attending to- guiding his eyes to the words on the page, his voice lulling you back to sleep, and for the first time in a long time-you slept under the stars.
Walter looked up at some point, seeing the crescent moon high above-the stars decorating the inky sky around it. He reached towards you gently, shaking you awake “Darling wake up,” he whispered, nodding towards the sky “look” you mumbled for a moment, wondering what he wanted when you saw it; in the sky-were the stars of course- but along that was a paint streak of glowing white and purples, mixing with the stars above and swirling about in the sky.
Walter chuckled at your reaction, bringing you close as you both sat up, his cheek against yours-the warmth of the fire on his skin melting into yours, his arm supporting your back. “one of my favorite times of the night, when the milky way is visible” Walter whispered, barely audible to your ears-but you smiled at his words, following his hand as he pointed out constellations in the sky-you had loved the night since you were child-unable to see it unless it was summer…and even then.
Walter got up for a moment to tend to the fire and soon was settled next to you again, this time his arm was wrapped fully around you, his body, the fire, and the blanket keeping you perfectly warm-though your legs had gone numb a bit ago. “I have a question for you” Walter whispered, and you hummed, leaning into his shoulder as you looked up at the stars. “What is it you want with your life?”
You snorted, turning to him slightly “Going there huh?” Walter hummed, glancing off to the side, a smile on his lips “mm, never mastered small talk” you snorted again, you had noticed-most of your conversations had involved books or delving deeper into yourselves. You licked your lips as you thought of your answer-but…all you could think of was-what you wouldn’t be able to do.
“I…I really never thought of how to answer that…” you muttered, eyes down casting to the lake-staring at the reflection of the moon and stars. Walter turned his head to look at you, watching you intently as you played with your fingers “I’ve been told since I was young that I wouldn’t have a full life, even knowing that we have tripled lives thanks to the contract” Walter hummed, but didn’t interrupt, letting you talk. “so, I suppose I never-thought of what to do…since-it wouldn’t matter in the end-I would be dead before I could do anything. But-“ you huffed, looking back up at the sky, feeling your nose burn and throat ache.
“if-if I could; I would read all there is to read, I would study the stars, I would run through forests, dance till I dropped, laugh in the rain knowing it wouldn’t get me deathly ill-I would live life to its fullest-enjoy every passing moment as if it was my last-which I do try to do but…” you sighed, a tear slipping past your cheek “When you’re reminded every day that, by your own body, that you won't live much longer-that you won’t walk that day, or won't talk-or sleep soundly, or even breathe…it’s hard to do that….you know” you bit your lip, bearing your soul to Walter. “it’s getting harder to wake up now-adays…” Walter jolted a bit at that, his eyes going wide “and-I go to bed each night, wishing everyone goodnight-not knowing if I’ll wake up the next day.” Walter stared, if he had a heart-he was sure it would crack for you.
Walter closed his eyes, took a deep breath, paused for a moment, then sighed. He turned, kneeling in front of you-taking your hands that were freezing at the fingers. You blinked at him, feeling one of his hands wipe away your tears. “if I may” he whispered, his eyes reflecting the stars above “This is a bit-different from how I’ve done it in the past. Usually there's a whole courting stage and a proper announcement and public thing-but” he waved his hand, looking over the grandeur of it all. He looked back into your eyes, tilting your chin up just so. “I have never felt-so connected-with any other bride, potential or otherwise” you furrowed your brows, wondering what he was doing before it hit you.
He was proposing. Holy shit-he was choosing you!? For what reason, you didn’t know-maybe he was pitying you? You didn’t want him to pity you, you had been pitied your whole life-by your parents, Emma, doctors, extended family-everyone. You didn’t want Walter to only see what you lacked-to see your imperfections. “Are you doing this out of pity?” you whispered, and Walter stopped, then furrowed his brows.
“I admit-there was some pity at the start” he whispered, shifting so he sat on his knees “I saw just a frail little thing in my castle-unable to stand on her own-needing help to even walk. But now I see you; your undeniable strength, the courage you have to face the day as if you don’t stare death in his eyes” you could feel the tears returning, unexpecting such words from Walter. “I wish to give you the life you should’ve had, the life you deserve. To run with the wind, to be unafraid to go to sleep, to read every book in the world, and then some-I wish to give you everlasting life, ne’er to face sickness or pain ever again.”
He took your hands at his, holding them to his chest, looking into your weeping eyes. “So I ask you this, Lady (y/n) Alexander. Will you do me the honor, and become my bride? Become Lady Alexander-Deville? i promise you to extend my library, so it will take you a hundred years just to read half, and I will run with you whenever you wish, and spend as many nights with you outside when the moon is bright and the stars shine brighter.”
You sobbed, tucking your chin into your chest, and Walter feared he had scared you off with such a promise and declaration-such things he would make sure to do if you accepted his proposal-he just hoped to whoever was listening; that his powers-his gift to you-would heal you of your physical plights. Finally, after a few moments, you looked back up at him, a bright beaming slime that rivaled the moon looking back at him ”I accept your proposal, Master Deville, thank you” you cried, sobbing into his shoulder as he kissed your hands and held you close, turning you close to the fire to warm you back up, as the blanket at fallen from your shoulders during his proposal.
As the midnight chill began to set into the forest-Walter quickly packed everything up and extinguished the dying fire-picking you up and setting on his horse-getting on behind you and grabbing Bell’s reigns. “what bestows me the honor of riding with you?” you giggled, a flush strong in your cheeks as Walter wrapped his arms around you, the blanket from earlier curled around your shoulders to keep you warm.
“It’s too cold to ride alone, don’t want you getting sick” Walter muttered into your ear-smirking as you giggled again, leaning against his chest as he set back towards the castle. By the time you returned-it was well past midnight, Walter set the horses into their stalls and carried you into the castle-the book the two of you had been reading resting on your stomach as you rested your cheek on Walter’s shoulder-your arms tossed around his neck.
You were nearly asleep when he stepped into your room, setting you on your bed and taking the book from you and setting it on your nightstand-before lighting the fire and closing your windows-taking a slow breath as he looked back at you, your bleary eyes looking back, with a soft smile on your lips “I’ll go fetch Emma, sleep well darling” Walter whispered, leaning over you and kissing your head, grazing your chin with his fingers before he stepped away and out of your room, pausing as you told him to do the same. He smiled at you, nodding a bit “As you wish” with that-he closed the door.
And you had to muffle your scream with a pillow.
-
You thanked the gods for giving you such a miracle when you woke up the next day-feeling refreshed, your legs were still a bit numb but that was normal, but you felt no clog in your nose or tickle at the back of your throat. You hadn’t gotten sick from the previous night. You silently celebrated in your bed-shifting so you sat on the edge, groaning as you stretched and your back popped wonderfully.
You jumped as your door suddenly opened-two woman walking into your room-one was about your height with long golden red hair, wearing a soft purple dress that hung off her shoulders-the other was tall, dark and terrifying, her black eyes trained on you like a hawk. “good morning~!” the redhaired one said, sitting at the end of your bed and leaning towards you, her fangs on full display.
They must’ve been the Billington and Klopstock brides- Viktoria and Vasilica. “uh-hello?” you nearly squeaked, your shoulders arching up as Viktoria stared you down, almost staying in the shadows as Vasilica practically invaded your personal space. “The master told us, everything-so, welcome to the family lady Alexander~” Vasilica sang, her bright and cheery personality a strong opponent of Viktoria, who hadn’t said a word this entire time.
“uh, thank you?” you muttered, you had only accepted the night before-so you wondered when Walter had told them of it. You looked outside then, frowning as you saw the sun was quite high in the sky. “what time is it?” Vasilica hummed, pursing her lips a bit as she looked out the window with you. “just before noon I think-the master wanted to let you sleep in, but we wanted to invite you for brunch, if you would like?” you nodded with a small smile, watching as Vasilica jumped up and beamed “Wonderful~! Let’s go then, the master waits for us outside.” She turned about to walk out of the room when Viktoria stopped her-noticing you hadn’t moved from your spot.
“Something wrong?” Viktoria said quietly, her eyes trained on you. like Walter, she could smell the sickness that clung to you, the pain in your bones; she wondered why the master would pick such a weak bunny like you, instead of the healthier girls of the bunch. You flinched back at her eyes, fiddling with your fingers “uh-my-my legs don’t work as well as others do-it’s hard for me to walk on my own” you whispered, looking down at your legs, which hung limply off the bed and felt numb.
“Oh!” Vasilica said with a shocked face-apparently Walter had neglected to tell them your lack of properly working legs “oh that’s not a big deal, come I’ll carry you!” she took a step forward, her hands reaching towards you, and you were about to ask her if you could get dressed first-when the master, Walter, stepped into the room. “I see you have all met,” he said quietly, leaning on the doorway. Viktoria nodded stiffly as Vasilica beamed. “I’m sure (y/n) wouldn’t mind you carrying her dear, but it think she needs to get dressed first.” Vasilica looked at you, then at Walter, chuckling a bit “i suppose she does” Vasilica muttered with a shy smile, skipping out of the room with Viktoria slowly following her.
Walter grabbed her arm before Viktoria could fully exit, turning to her with dark eyes-eyes you hadn’t seen before; full of warning and death. “let me warn you now Viktoria. Be nice. Or I will have no hesitation in holding another Klopstock wedding after so long.” Viktoria looked shocked, glancing between you and Walter before she sniffed and tore her arm from his grip-storming off after Vasilica.
Walter huffed, turning back to you with a soft smile “Apologies. She gets…cruel, if she acts as such to you, please tell me-you shouldn’t suffer in a place where you should be respected.” You smiled back at him, nodding, biting the inside of your lip as he stepped towards you and took your hand, kissing your knuckles. “I’ll send Emma up to help you get dressed, I’ll be back to escort you to brunch” you nodded again, squeezing his hand a bit as he smiled down at you.
About 10 minutes later-you were dressed and waiting for Walter-reading more of the book as you did; continuing on from the part you had fallen asleep on. “The Count went for the quick kill, the inverse Bonetti. No chance. “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya; you killed my father…prepare to die” Again they crossed, and the Count moved into a Morozzo defense, because the blood was still streaming. Inigo shoved his fist deeper into himself. “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya; you killed my father; prepare to die.” The count retreated around the billiard table. Inigo slipped his own blood. The count continued to retreat, waiting, waiting. “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father; prepare to die.” He dug with his fist and he didn’t want to think what he was touching and pushing and holding into place but for the first time he felt able to try a move, so the six-fingered sword flashed forward-and there was a cut down one side of count Rugen’s cheek-another flash-another cut, parallel, bleeding-“ A knock at your door and you closed the book-marking your place as you sat up straight, smiling as Walter, your now fiancé, stepped in. “ready?” he asked, smiling as he saw the book. You nodded, holding the book to your chest as he walked towards you, one arm cradling your back and shoulders-the other going under your knees; easily lifting you up and carrying you out to the gardens-where brunch was set up.
Walter set you down on the left side of his chair-Viktoria on his right while Vasilica sat on the other end of the table, on your left. “I love your dress” Vasilica complemented, and you smiled, looking down at your blue and silver tunic dress, pulling at your white sleeves before you looked back at her-telling her the same for her purple dress. She beamed, looking towards Walter with a clear emotion in her eyes ‘I like her’ they read.
He smirked back, sipping at his deep red ‘wine’. You leaned back as a plate full of food was set in front of you, smiling at what you saw- French toast, fruits, pastries, meat; your favorites. You turned to see who had set the plate-seeing Emma winking at you, taking her place back with the other handmaidens and Mr. Fields. Similar plates were set in front of Walter and the other brides, though they had more ham included with theirs. “So,” you stared, picking up a piece of toast and ripping off a smaller piece “do any of the other girls know I've been chosen?” Walter shook his head, setting his glass down and grabbing a strawberry.
“Not yet-I’ll be announcing it tonight at the group dinner, Viktoria and Vasilica will be joining us as well. I’ve already sent a letter to your parents telling them the news, they should get it just before they start heading up here.” you nodded, licking your lips free of fruit juice as you grabbed your cup. “And-what’s the plan after tonight?” you asked next, leaning back in your chair as Walter set down his glass and grabbed a small leather-bound book, undoing the leather strip keeping it closed, and setting the pen aside.
“you’ll be heading home with your parents for two months after they arrive, gathering all you wish to bring back over here, then-of course- you’ll come back and move into the Alexander suite, and it’s customary there is a courting period even if I have already proposed, which is four months, and during that we will plan for the wedding.” He snapped the book closed and set it aside, looking towards you with an assuring smile “of course-all of this aligns if your health is steady, I do not mind waiting a bit longer, or even speeding things along if you need to.”
You nodded, smiling as you felt his free hand grab yours under the table-squeezing it lightly. “so, (y/n)” Viktoria spoke up, her voice slow and calculating. Vasilica and Walter glanced at her, both warning her to be nice. “What is it you like to do?” you blinked-not expecting that question. “oh um,” you stuttered, rubbing the back of your neck “i-I like to read? I’ve practically already read half of Walter’s personal library” you laughed, Vasilica beaming at your words. “oh wonderful, I’m-well-I never learned to read-so I’m glad someone other than the master has a use for that library.”
“Going to be expanding it actually” Walter mentioned, Vasilica cooed at the idea and your heart fluttered at the memory of his promise to expand as such to where it would take you 100 years to read half of it. “wonderful, more books and dust” Viktoria muttered, sipping at her ‘wine’. Walter just rolled his eyes, turning back to you with a smile “im sure (y/n) and I will keep the dust away, right darling?” you flushed at the name, but nodded, eyes drawing to the book that rested beside your cup. You really wanted to finish it-you just got to the truly exciting part. Though you were sure Walter had nearly finished it by the time he showed you the stars.
“Anything else? Or are you just a book-worm?” Viktoria asked, a near sneer on her lips. Walter quickly banished it with a glare. You tiled your head, shrugging a bit “I like to ride? Oh and uh-drawings something I dabble in…oh-my brothers are knights and I’ve always liked watching them train and compete” you shrugged again, honestly you liked doing a lot of things-but-once you thought about it-they were hard to describe.
Viktoria just hummed, tilting her head slightly “Due to your… condition, you don’t do much, do you?” you shook your head, not noticing the side-eye Walter was giving Viktoria. “no, not really-just an unfortunate effect to me. I wish I could do more-but I hardly have the energy to get out of bed sometimes.” There it was, there was the pity, in both Vasilica’s and Viktoria’s eyes, though there was much more sympathy in Vasilica’s than Viktoria’s gaze.
“then for your sake, I hope the exchange at the wedding will do your body good” Viktoria hummed, sounding like a compliment yet her eyes told you otherwise. Walter sighed and pinched his nose “play nice” he muttered to Viktoria, and she hummed back with a smirk “always” she said, reaching forward and brushing her hand through Walter’s chin-length locks. He blinked at her, allowing her to do so but turned back to you.
You supposed you would have to get used to being one of 3 brides, which, hopefully, wouldn’t be too hard-you had never expected to be a bride at all. “now,” Walter started, licking his lips “we should probably tell you the darker details of this marriage, and what will happen upon our wedding” Walter reached up, taking your hand, looking into your eyes “as you should know, we are vampires” you nodded “and you should know we consume human blood to sustain ourselves, but we do also eat human food to keep energy and strength.” You nodded again, looking down at their plates, which mostly matched yours. “which means-you will also have to drink blood, human blood.”
You could feel your stomach turn-you knew about their true natures since you were younger-but to now know you would be involved in it-made you a bit queasy. “Does animal blood not work?” Vasilica shook her head at your question “no, I tried, it’s like you drank nothing. it must be human blood” she said, leaning forward on the table, watching as Viktoria took a sip of her ‘wine’, her eyes on you.
Walter turned his attention back to you “now, we mostly have our blood in cups” he lifted his cup of ‘wine’. “but once in a while, we do require fresh prey, so-sometimes, you will need to feed on a live, or freshly dead, human.” You swallowed harshly, licking your lips as your stomach continued to turn.
"Do I get a choice of who I feed on?” you asked quietly, and Walter nodded. You felt a small bit of relief at that, you could make sure your prey wasn’t someone who didn’t deserve it. “I understand this is a lot to take it, and this is why there's such a long period between now and the wedding, to give you time to adjust to the circumstances,” Walter said, bringing your hand to his lips.
You nodded, it would take time for you to get…used to the idea of killing people for food, but you supposed it would get easier with time, or once you were transformed-the guilt would leave you. Only time would tell. “okay, okay I can deal with that” you whispered, smiling as Walter kissed your hand again. “wonderful, now-“ he released your hand-gesturing to your plate “eat, you’ll need your strength”
You did as asked, opening the book to read as you finished your food-the other girls now conversing with Walter as you distracted yourself with the awaited showdown between Inigo and Count Rugen.
-
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You sat nearly pin straight as Emma finished pinning your hair, an intricate red crystal necklace being clipped to your neck via Mrs. Swift. “There you go deary,” Mrs. Swift said, resting her hands on your shoulders as you looked into the mirror that sat upon the vanity. You tilted your head to the side, seeing the gold earring that hung from your ears, complimenting the deep red of your gown. You had been told-as was tradition-the Deville brides wore red.  “I’m happy for you my lady, it’s been an honor to serve you,” Emma said, tears in her eyes. You turned to her, taking her hand with a smile.
“Like hell I would give you up easily” you laughed, scrunching your nose as Emma shook her head, sniffing as she squeezed your hand. “you’ve been by my side for the last five years, and have been wonderfully understanding of all my conditions; if anything-I’ll have you visit once in a while. You’ve been my best friend Emma. I won’t let you leave without a fight”
Emma cooed, hugging you tight and pushing her cheek against yours “Thank you, (y/n)” you thanked her back, holding her as tight as you could before another butler knocked at the door, saying everyone was ready. You nodded, grabbing Emma’s hand and using her arm to help you stand.
Mrs. Swift stood on your other side, a butler walking behind you as you made your way to the grand dining room-pausing at the doors, two butlers standing on each side. You could barely hear Walter from the other side of the thick wooden doors. “-as you all know, I took each day of this week to get to know each and every one of you, to help me make my choice of my Alexander bride. I assume, due to who is missing from this table, you know who I have chosen-and please I know, I chose out of her attributes and reasons of my own, not due to any of your faults. Now-may I please announce, my new Bride; Lady (y/n) Alexander."
And with that, the doors opened, and you saw everyone staring at you, Serena and Kalista looking absolutely ecstatic for you-only two looked disappointed-so you counted yourself lucky as not to encounter any nastiness. You noticed Walter holding out his hand to you, and you could feel Emma holding you tight as you help you walk to him. but you took a deep breath and stepped away from her, joining Walter at his side and taking his hand, smiling as he looked pleasantly surprised. “wrap this up though that hurt like a bitch” you whispered into his ear as he tucked you into his side, he laughed gently and nodded.
He quickly turned, and you saw a set of chairs that sat behind a decorated table, one just a bit taller than the other. He guided you to sit next to the taller one, and then stayed at your side, one hand on your shoulder as you sat up straight, smiling at Serena who was struggling to hold her excitement.
Walter continued to talk but you were hardly listening, looking about the room-seeing Vasilica and Viktoria at the head of the long table, Vasilica was beaming and clapping along with the rest of the girls as Walter’s hand squeezed your shoulder gently, while Viktoria politely clapped, her eyes boring into your soul. You looked away first, turning as you saw Walter take a glass full of deep red liquid, Viktoria and Vasilica being handed the same “charge your glasses” Walter said, and everyone raised their drinks into the air, all looking to you and Walter “To (y/n),” he turned to look down at you, smiling as he did, his hand still gently squeezing your shoulder “my new bride”
“To (y/n)!” you looked up at Walter, reaching up and squeezing his hand back, smiling as his smile turned to a wide grin. “May the bridemaidens rejoice” Mr. Fields called out, the girls all calling back with raised glasses to you “The bridemaidens rejoice.”
With that, everyone took a drink and Walter soon took a seat next to you, setting his glass down and leaning towards you. “everything okay?” he asked quietly, tilting his head slightly. You smiled back at him, reaching up to cup his cheek, looking into his bright blue eyes “everything's perfect” you whispered back, taking the chance and pecking his cheek “Thank you Master Deville”
He smiled, taking your hand and kissing your palm before leaning back in his seat, everyone beginning to eat.
-
Time flew by during the two months you returned home, your brothers barely letting you out of their sight. It was a bit-jarring-to see your room practically empty by the time you were set to make the journey back to Deville castle, your bookcase was empty, and all your dresses were packed away-minus the ones you were going to wear on the way to the castle.
To think-in only one week, your life had changed drastically, and soon-in about four months-you wouldn’t be human anymore. And maybe-just maybe-you would be able to run the grounds of the castle without collapsing from pain. You smiled at the thought, holding the book you had read over and over again through the last two months; Walter had let you keep it after seeing how much you loved it-and you might’ve grabbed his face and kissed his cheek heavily at the gesture.
You still giggled at remembering his shocked face-if he had the ability to blush he would’ve.
You turned at a knock on your door, calling for them to come in, smiling as you saw your mother and oldest brother step through-his hair a wild mess thanks to his helmet. “just get back from training?” you teased, reaching up as he rolled his eyes, leaning down to let you ruffle/fix his hair. You pulled back; feeling the grime in his hair “Ewwww did you even wash up before coming to see me? You trying to get me sick?” your brother cackled and rolled his eyes, fake sneezing at you and you screeched, weakly pushing him away.
“Oh you two, stop it” your mother laughed, walking about your room and finishing up packing for you. “the carriage is outside (y/n), he just wanted to say goodbye” your bother snorted, crossing his arms and turning to your mother “Goodbye? I’m going with her, gotta make sure she gets there safe and sound.”
“And to threaten Walter?” you groaned, unable to keep the smile off your face as your bother ruffled your hair, sharply grinning down at you “Of course,” he said, almost dramatically holding his hand to his chest “I have to make sure the master is going to be good to my baby sister” you rolled your eyes at him, slapping his hand away and letting him pick you up, your mother close behind as he walked you out to the carriage. It would be about a week's travel to Deville castle, and you hoped to the gods you wouldn’t catch something on the way.
You waved goodbye to your parents and other brother, who had to stay to finish his current training, Emma sitting at your side while your eldest brother-Justin- rode alongside the carriage. “keep her safe Justin!” your mother called as the carriage set off. He told them he would, turning to face the road as you watched your childhood home disappear behind the trees and hills.
-
When you arrive, Walter was waiting for you, meeting your brother's gaze for a moment before he quickly walked towards the barely stopping carriage-opening the door and bowing his head to you “we meet again, lady (y/n)” Walter said, holding his hands out to you as Emma helped you stand and maneuver yourself into your fiancé’s arms. “hi” you whispered back, feeling your cheeks flush as he stepped away from the carriage-holding you close as Emma stepped out, your brother guiding her.
“lord Deville,” your brother and Emma greeted, Emma bowing her head as Justin held his hand to his chest for a moment. Walter nodded back “Justin, Emma. Pleasure to see you again, now, let’s get (y/n) inside” you rested your chin on Walter’s shoulder as he turned and carried you into the castle, Emma giggled at the sight while Justin huffed a bit, raising his brow at you while you stuck your tongue out at him.
While you settled into the Alexander suite, Justin took Walter aside for a moment, crossing his arms as he leaned against a wall-staring into Walter’s eyes “Lord Deville, while I must thank you for choosing my baby sister, in which I hope is for honorable reasons; do note” he stepped closer, getting into Walter’s face, his lip curling up slightly in a snarl “if you hurt my girl, you will answer directly to me. And whatever crimes I commit against you; I will not care for the consequences. ” Walter smirked, nodding slightly.
“I swear upon my eternal life she will live happily and safely within this castle and as my wife.” Justin held Walter’s stare for a strong moment, then he smiled, patting Walter’s shoulder “good to hear that, now, I must be off-take good care of her-please.” Walter nodded again, watching as Justin made his way to the Alexander suite to say goodbye to you until the wedding.
You perked up as Justin stepped into your new room, nodding at what he saw. “well, I’m going to head back home” he said as he walked towards you, kneeling before you as you sat on your bed, Emma and Mrs. Swift unpacking your clothes and putting them away. You gave Justin a look “you already threatened him didn’t you?” you laughed and Justin grinned, leaning up as you pulled him into a hug “you are such a butt, I’ll miss you”
“I’ll miss you too bug, but not really-see you in four months” he stood, kissing the top of your head, and bowed out, laughing as you chucked a spare shoe at his head-Walter barely dodging it. “oh shit sorry Walter” you gasped, covering your mouth, your shoulders relaxing as he laughed lightly “I was aiming for Justin.”
“I could tell” Walter chuckled, moving to stand in front of you, his hand finding your cheek. “how are you feeling?” you pursed your lips, smiling up at your fiancé. You felt normal, well, as normal as you usually felt, your legs felt fine, and there was no weight in your lungs “good, I didn’t get sick on the way here” you hummed, leaning into Walter’s hand as he rubbed your cheek.
“Good, very good” he muttered, leaning down and kissing your forehead. “Are you hungry at all?” you nodded, you had stopped for lunch before your arrival, but that was several hours ago. “perfect, dinner is ready for the four of us, do you want me to carry you or?” you just grabbed his arms, and he held you steady as you stood “Wonderful, come along then darling.”
-
The next four months went flying by-and you spent it bonding with your future husband and soon-to-be wives-in-law. It was still a bit of an odd concept to be a 3rd bride in a marriage of four, but you were getting used to the idea and wondered how Walter balanced it all. He spent most of his free time with you, Viktoria and Vasilica joining you for breakfast and dinner each day. There were of course days or weeks you wouldn’t leave your room, the usual cold or something else chaining you to the bed.
But that would be alleviated by Walter or Vasilica visiting you; of course, Emma never left your side. Viktoria was-slowly warming up to you, but that never stopped her from the snide comments and the side-eyes as you would read outside or in the library-mostly tucked into the little corner of Walter’s personal library.
You remembered the first time you saw Walter feed on a live human-you didn’t know who they were or where they came from-but you and Emma stumbled into Walter’s study(mostly to see if he wanted to join you for afternoon tea), only to see him draining the blood from a dark-haired woman. Emma gagged a bit-alerting Walter of your presence and he turned, his eyes near black and his mouth dripping with deep red blood, fangs peeking out from his shocked expression.
He gasped your name out, letting the now dead woman drop and wiping his hands on his pants, licking his lips as he glanced between you and the body “you-you weren't supposed to see that” he whispered, he had wanted to keep you protect from sights like this until you were married-when you would be more prepared to see it.
You looked back at Emma, nodding for her to leave and she quickly and happily obeyed, leaving you alone with Walter. He licked his lips nervously, a deeply concerned frown on his face. “who is she?” you asked, nodding to the woman, leaning on the wall as you stepped into the room. Walter glanced down at her, and swallowed harshly “just-just a widow-she volunteered, she wished her life to end anyway.” You nodded, holding out your new book to him, he glanced at it curiously.
“I got a new book; would you like to read it with me during afternoon tea? It’s called sleeping beauty.” Walter smiled, and nodded, happy you hadn’t freaked out like he thought you would-out of all his brides(which at this point, weren’t that many) you were the most…innocent-but you had been faced with death since childhood-it didn’t bother you as much as it did Emma. “of course my darling, let me get cleaned up first-I’ll join you in the gardens in a moment” you nodded with a grin, turning as Mrs. Swift stepped into the room after Walter called her in. he told her to escort you to the gardens and she nodded, doing as told while Mr. Field and a few other butlers got to work cleaning up the mess Walter made.
-
As the date of the wedding drew ever closer-your days became consumed with planning, barely able to catch a break. One moment you would be choosing placements and flowers, the next your dress and the menu, then the décor and seating chart.
It was just-a lot-so much it sent you into a flare-up, forcing you to your bed where you stayed for nearly two weeks, and only two weeks left till the wedding. You sniffed up at the ceiling, Emma patting a cold cloth on your forehead to hopefully lessen your fever. “I cannot wait to never be sick again” you grumbled and Emma nodded in agreement, she never minded taking care of you-but she had to agree that you never having to deal with illness again would be a good break for the both of you. She perked up at a knock on your door and quickly went to see who it was, stepping aside as Walter peered in at her.
“She’s resting master Deville, still a ways to go to get over it, but it's not one that’ll last much longer” Walter sighed in relief, a book in his hand as he walked over to your side, and sat down next to you. “Hello darling” he muttered, taking your warm hand in his, and pressing it to his lips “how are you feeling?”
“like shit” you croaked, voice nearly gone. Walter frowned, curling his arm around you and pulling you up to lean against him, your head in the crook of his neck. “what’s that?” Walter held up the book, and you beamed-it was the one from your first date. “yes please”
Walter chuckled, getting comfortable next to you and opening the book “As you wish, Emma, would you please get some tea and bread for us?” she nodded, skipping out of the room as Walter began to read what was now your favorite story. “The year that buttercup was born, the most beautiful woman in the world was a French scullery maid named Annette.”
-
The day of the wedding got closer and closer, and guests began to arrive as the week came to a close. You happily greeted your parents and brothers upon their arrival. “how has everything been darling?” your father asked, brushing a lock of hair out of your eyes as you all settled in the dining room, the doors leading to the gardens wide open to let the comfortable breeze through.
“wonderful, I got sick two weeks ago due to stress, but otherwise-it’s been wonderful-though Walter hasn’t let me into the library for nearly a month now” you pouted, every time you tried-he, Emma, or Vasilica prevented you, only laughing when you complained or asked why you counted go in. you still had access to the books-but you had to have them delivered to your room instead of freely grabbing them yourself.
“im sure he has a good reason for that” your mother laughed, grabbing your hand and shaking it about before she sat up-she and your family bowed as Walter walked into the room. “lord Deville, once again we thank you for inviting us to your home” he smiled and waved his hand, allowing them to stand fully.
“thank you for coming, and trusting me with (y/n). I trust she’s been telling you all about the last four months” he chuckled, walking over to you and kissing your head. They nodded, Justin raising his brow at Walter who just chuckled at him and leaned down to whisper in your ear “can I borrow you for a moment?” you hummed, but nodded, wondering what he wanted. He quickly scooped your up and bid your family a temporary adieu, walking off with you, and soon you were set down in front of the library.
“I was just talking about the library” you chuckled, almost squeaking as Walter covered your eyes and took your hands “Walter?” “keep them closed” he muttered, backing into the doors and leading you inside.
Your hands gripped his tightly, you had done your best to train your legs to allow you to walk for longer periods of time-but it still hurt to walk most of the time. “Walter?” you asked again, feeling him maneuver himself to stand behind you, his hands on your shoulders “okay, look” he whispered, and you opened your eyes, gasping at what you saw.
He expanded the library, just as promised, now it held nearly twice the amount of books it held before. “oh Walter” you muttered, lifting your hands to your mouth, tears of joy burning at your eyes “its-its”
“You like it?” Walter asked, almost shy in his question, holding your waist with his lips on your shoulder as you looked about the sunlit room. “i-I love it!” you laughed, turning in his grip and cupping his face. “thank you, thank you so much.” You took a brave step, and kissed him, closing your eyes as he let out a surprised hum and easily melted into it, his arms going around your waist and picking you up with ease.
“oh finally” you pulled away with a near squeak, looking over Walter's head to see Viktoria and Vasilica, both smiling(Viktoria had more of a smirk) at the two of you “I was wondering when you two were gonna kiss” Viktoria chuckled, turning on her heel and walking off, Vasilica laughing with a cheeky wave as she walked off in the other direction. Walter shook his head with a fond smile, setting you down and holding you close. “And here I thought Viktoria didn’t like me” you muttered, smiling at Walter as he chuckled and shook his head.
“And I told you she would warm up with time, you have a knack for getting into hardened hearts” Walter joked, kissing your head, tilting his head as you hummed “oh yeah? And what exactly got me into yours?" you teased, trailing your fingers up his chest, holding back a burst of laughter as he told you; completely serious.
"You showed me human kindness and that was your downfall.” You couldn’t help it, you laughed; loudly, your giggles echoing through the stone halls as your family smiled at each other-glad they had ended up making the trip all those months ago to include you in the potential brides.
“You, my good sir, are cheeky” you giggled, taking a few deep breaths as you finished laughing at Walter. He just chuckled, taking your chin and kissing you again, muttering about how he couldn't wait to do that as your husband. “only three days left Walter, be patient.” He hummed, looking very impatient. He kissed you again, holding you as close as he could without squishing you; like he couldn’t get enough of you once he had a taste. You giggled into the kiss, wrapping your arms around his neck-making sure to properly thank him for the expanded library.
-
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You took several deep breaths as you felt Emma pin your necklace around your neck, the gem sitting in the middle of your chest. “Ready?” your father asked, kneeling next to your chair. You took another deep breath and nodded “As I’ll ever be” you muttered, letting Justin pick you up and carry you down to the chapel that was built beneath the castle-the skirt of your dress carefully bunched beneath his arm.
As you got closer to the set of doors that hid the chapel and your soon-to-be husband from you, you could feel your heart race and your palms sweat. You were really doing this; you were really getting married and getting turned into a vampire. You would soon be a blood-drinker, someone who fed on human blood. It was a strong downside to the deal-but-on the other hand.
You would be able to walk on your own, breathe without strain, run for the first time since you were very young, and dance without pain. For all that-it was all too worth what you would have to do to gain it all.
It helped your soon-to-be husband was very, very handsome. You took another deep breath as you were set on your feet, your father on your left side, holding your hand tightly as you clung to his arm. “Ready darling?” your father asked, and you nodded, holding your head high as the doors opened and you began to walk.
Everyone stood from their seats, all eyes on you as you walked towards Walter at the end of the aisle. He glanced over his shoulder at you, and you took a sudden breath; he was dressed in deep red velvet lined with gold, a smile on his face as he watched you walk towards him. soon enough your father handed you over to Walter and you kneeled beside him, eyeing the two silver chalices that sat just in front of you and the minister.
“You look beautiful darling” Walter whispered, curling his pinkie around yours and you smiled, telling him he looked handsome. He grinned back-his fangs fully out-and you thought he looked quite good with them out. You both turned to the dark-cloaked minister as he raised his hands, the altar behind him decorated with yours and Walter’s banners. “We are gathered here this day, to sanctify the union, between our benevolent master, and his new bride; from the Alexander bloodline. Long may they flourish.”
Behind you, everyone from the three great families chanted the words that had been ingrained in you since you had discovered the true nature of your family's power. “May the bridemaidens, rejoice” the minister turned to Walter, who raised his head high-squeezing your pinkie gently. “Master, Do you take (y/n) Alexander to be your bride? To protect and honor her, for all the days of your eternal life?” Walter almost looked proud to say; “I do”.
The minister turned to you, and you took a deep breath as he spoke “And do you, (y/n) Alexander, take the master to love, honor, serve and obey, for all the days of your eternal life?” you glanced at Walter, whose ever blue eyes pierced into your soul, and you thought about the last four months with him. every quiet moment, every kiss on your head, every concerned furrow of his brows when you could cough or wheeze, every time he carried you when you couldn’t walk. His promise to run with you. And so you nodded, turning back to the minister “I do.” You could hear the quiet excited chatter within the crowd, and you could feel the excitement from Vasilica.
*trigger warning for self-harm and blood drinking!*
“May you now exchange blood” you watched as Walter took a dagger, slicing open his wrist and letting it pour into the silver chalice that sat before him. no sooner than the cup filled only a quarter ways-his wound healed, and he took the cup, handing it to you. You took a deep breath as you carefully grabbed the chalice. You closed your eyes then tipped your head back, letting Walter’s blood fill your mouth and go down your throat.
Almost instantly you could feel the change, the power that coursed through you. The weakness you had felt your entire left-disappeared in an instant. The pain in your legs-gone. The heaviness of your lungs-gone. That sickness that never quite left you-gone. You could feel your mouth ache slightly as your new fangs unsheathed themselves, your nails turning black and sharp-along with your fingertips.
You took several, long deep breaths-for once feeling uninhibited from doing so, the wheezing was gone. You opened your eyes, turning to Walter, and he beamed, his hand that somehow found its way to the small of your back rubbing it with his thumb. You turned to the chalice placed in front of you, taking the dagger alongside it and doing the same Walter had-watching as your blood poured into the chalice. And just as his had-your wound healed within a near instant.
You took the cup, handing it off to Walter, who eagerly drank your blood, a low moan rumbling in his chest-some of your blood escaping down the corner of his mouth and trailing down his jaw. He quickly caught it with his finger and sucked it clean, licking his lips a moment afterward. His eyes glowed for a quick moment, and you turned-seeing Viktoria and Vasilica’s doing the same. And the rush of strength and power you had felt upon your turn felt 100x stronger when it washed over you again.
Walter turned to you, and grabbed your hand-and you focused back into reality as the minister continued to speak. “and now, the new lady Deville; will indulge herself in her first blood.” You frowned, wondering if Walter had forgotten to mention something about the ceremony. And that’s when it hit you-the raging hunger-a hunger you had never felt before-a thirst even-for blood. You supposed that’s what made the whole-drinking human blood thing-easier; having the need to drink it. You turned, and if your heart was still beating-it would’ve skipped a beat; for there, at the altar, was a young man looking resigned to his fate-his eyes holding a deep sadness. You turned to Walter, non-verbally asking if the man wanted to die.
He nodded back, leaning towards you to whisper in your ear “a man of no wealth and poor luck-he volunteered in exchange his only child be taken care of.” He was a father…you-you weren’t sure you could kill such a man. Then Walter whispered again “you need not kill him, but simply drink some of his blood until you were satisfied.” You let out a slow breath and nodded, getting to your feet without help-something your mother gasped happily at-something she hadn’t seen you do since you were very very young.
You took the man's lower neck, swallowing as you felt that burning hunger nearly take you over “Forgive me if I go too far” you muttered down at the man, and he smiled kindly, closing his eyes as you bared your fangs-and descended upon his neck.
Everything went fuzzy after that, you could feel the warm liquid of the man's blood fill your mouth and stomach, a new strength filling you with it. It was-delicious, like smooth cream custard. Sweet cherry sauce on a savory tart. French toast drizzled with strawberry glaze. Pastries filled with cinnamon cream.
You pulled away from the man's neck with a gasp, licking your lips clean-using your hands to clean your chin as the man slumped-still alive-but weak. He would need time to recover. You muttered a small thank you to him, and turned back to Walter-his eyes almost dark with a deep lust for you, but lightened with the love he felt at the same time. He held his hand out to you as he stood, and you joined him, easily tucking into his side as the minister spoke again-but you could hardly hear his words, only feeling Walter’s body heat and the blood rushing through your body.
You jolted back to reality as Walter grabbed your left hand, and you looked down to see him sliding a ring on your finger. You had completely forgotten about this part. He kissed your knuckles and then handed you his ring, and you slid it onto his finger, holding his hand tightly as he turned back to the minister.
Soon enough you felt Walter’s fingers under your chin, and you looked up to see him looking at you, his eyes bright as ever, a smirk on his plush lips. He looked at your lips and you easily got the hint-you supposed the minister announced you as man and wife-and it was time to kiss the bride. And with that, Walter kissed you, and you happily accepted it, curling your arms around his back and holding him tight, groaning into the kiss as he licked at your bottom lip. You could just feel his fangs at your lips, and it was likely he could feel yours.
You could hear your parents sob happily, and the crowd soon burst into applause. You opened your eyes slowly as Walter pulled away, giggling as he pecked your lips quickly before he fully pulled back, tugging you into his side as you turned to the crowd. “may we rejoice, in the new Lady Alexander Deville”
“May the bridemaidens rejoice”
-
The reception was a party, everyone was excitedly talking, dining, and dancing; celebrating your marriage with the master. You stood with Walter at the head table, greeting everyone that walked up to you. It felt-odd-to stand on your own so easily after so many years of pain. It did feel every odd to do it, your legs felt unused to doing this; so you reasoned you would have to train them to get used to no longer needing help.
Dancing with Walter was-a bit embarrassing-something he handled wonderfully well as he guided you across the dance floor. you had honestly never learned to dance-so you practically buried yourself in Walter’s side as he led you in a near graceful waltz.  But soon enough you found yourself wandering away from the party-giving the excuse that you needed some time alone due to intense excitement; it took a minute but you finally found yourself on the other side of the castle-facing the forest and stables.
“There you are” you perked up, smiling as you saw your newly-wed husband. He walked over to you and took his spot next to you on the castle wall, his hand finding yours as you fiddled with your new ring. “was wondering where you went, already bored of me?”
“Gonna take me a while to get bored of you” you joked, leaning on his shoulder and letting yourself relax “I’ll get bored of you when I’ll get bored of reading.” Walter let out an exaggerated sigh of relief, holding his free hand to his chest “oh thank goodness, a day never to come.” You laughed, finally freely able to do so without worry of an attack.
You both settled into comfortable silence, taking in the crickets and night birds that settled in the darkened forest, a soft breeze brushing by as the horses quietly ate their hay. “so” Walter muttered, turning his head into yours, his lips pressing against your forehead “you gonna do it?” you frowned, looking up at him confused. He smiled, chuckling a bit “the first thing you wanted to do upon being turned”
You felt a smile grow on your face and you slowly stepped away from Walter, using his arm to lean over and take off your shoes, giggling at the feeling of the grass against your feet. Walter took them from you tilting his head as you took a few tentative steps away from him, glanced back for a moment-
Then you ran-your arms pumping at your sides, the wind in your air, your laughter echoing through the trees. Walter smiled, watching you run with such a fondness he never knew he could feel after becoming a vampire. He dropped your shoes to the floor and took off after you, his laughter joining yours as you raced through the forest, the chatter of the guests blurring into the background as you ran into the night with your husband.
Back at the party, Viktoria smirked into her glass-the sound of Walter’s laughter was a sound she hadn’t heard in quite a while, and while she wished she was the source of it, she found she didn’t mind you being its reason.
-
Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years, years into decades, and decades into centuries; and in the late 1800’s, the Deville family found themselves moving into a grand manor known as New Carfax Abbey, the fine white stone a strike difference from the strong grey castle you used to live in. “Walter?” you asked quietly, wondering where he was taking you. Upon your arrival, he had quickly told you to close your eyes and let him lead you into the manor. He had bought the manor upon its completion-but it had been months since-something about minor changes being made to the building. “can I open my eyes yet?”
“No, no, not yet” he muttered back, his footsteps echoing loudly as he brought you into a dark room. It almost sounded like a theater with the way they reverberated off the walls. He stopped suddenly, holding your shoulders for a moment as he turned, sounding giddy “Wait here.”
He rushed off, and you heard curtains being pulled, and sunlight suddenly beamed into the room-making you lift your brows and look towards the light-wondering what he was doing. “Walter? Now can I open them?” you saw his shadow move back in front of you, and he took a deep breath, a smile in his voice as he spoke. “All right, now~!”
You opened your eyes, your hands flying up to your mouth as you gasped. It was a library-a huge library, filled with hundreds and thousands of books, two stories high with spiral staircases and ladders to help you reach the books. Tall windows lit the room in natural light, a fireplace resting at the head of the room, and even more books were set upon the mantel. “Walter-i-I can't-even-wow” you spun around, taking in the wonderful sight, walking around Walter as he grinned at your reaction-you were completely speechless, even more so than when he had expanded the library of the original Deville castle.
“you like it?” Walter asked, almost shy, repeating his words from hundreds of years ago; smiling as you leaped into his arms at the nearly rhetorical question. “like it? I love it! Thank you, Walter” you almost sobbed, taking his face and kissing him, your arms around his neck as he lifted you off your feet. He pulled back after a moment, shaking his head in an attempt to not get lost in the moment “I have two more surprises for you” he hummed, setting you down and taking your hand, running with you down to the other end of the library-were you found a kitchenette.
“My own little kitchen?” you laughed, opening the cabinets to see your favorite snacks and pastries packed away; waiting for you to eat them while you read away. “awwww, I love it” you laughed as Walter nodded, happy he had made a good choice “what's the second surprise?” you asked, taking Walter’s hand as he held it out to you, leading you to a slightly dark corner.
He looked around, then pulled at a small notch in the wall, stepping back as the bookcase slid back and to the side “holy shit” you muttered, letting Walter lead you into the room, laughing as he pulled a few curtains opened and revealed a mini-library-around the same size as his study. But you recognized every book in there, it was his and your favorites-with that oh-so-beloved book of yours sitting on a pedestal in the middle of the back bookshelf.
“A secret library?” you teased, turning to Walter and wrapping your arms around his neck, looking over his shoulder to see another fireplace with a chair resting in front of it-perfectly sized for the two of you, either you to be tucked into his side-or sitting on his lap.
“I thought it appropriate” he muttered, closing his eyes and holding you close, taking a deep breath of you and relaxing. “And did Viktoria and Mary get their own little rooms?” you teased, while you absolutely didn’t mind the favoritism Walter showed you, but-they were also his wives and they deserved just as much from him as you did.
He nodded “yes yes, Viktoria has a music room, her harp already moved in; and Mary has her own kitchen, free to bake as she likes” you hummed, you couldn’t wait to see what Mary created-she was a wonderful cook and pastry chef, having made the best Pain Au Chocolat you had ever tasted in your last nearing 500 years of life.
Vasilica had unfortunately died to hunters about 200 years back, Mary being her ‘replacement’. you had Viktoria had actually gotten a bit closer due to Vasilica’s death, and you made sure Viktoria wasn’t cruel to the new Billington bride-just as Vasilica had done for you during that fate-changing week(which shocked you, you hadn’t seen Viktoria until that final day-but that was due to Vasilica interfering and keeping Viktoria away from most of the potential Alexander brides.)
“Good” you muttered, kissing Walter softly then you spun on your heel, giddy as you looked upon the secret library. “so-uh-“ you turned again, about to ask if you could get started but Walter was already holding out his hand, grinning as he prepared to lead you back out to the grand library. You let out a laugh, eagerly following him out-your giddy laughter filling the pristine library.
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-end~-
Well-this was a LONNNG boi!!! 61 pages and 19709 words!!!!!!!!!!!! I started this back in early December I think too-so it’s been a long ass minute since I started this XDXD anyways-hope yall enjoyed~ and now onto OUAD Walter version~!!! As promised/planned~ gn!!!!
also sorry for killing off Vasilica!
taglist!
@thetrueghostqueen @littlewierdalien @sessediz
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ineffectualdemon · 9 months
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Okay turns out sometimes you do crafting intensely over multiple days to avoid another mental breakdown about being disabled, especially due to chronic pain
and when your chronic pain interferes with your ability to do the crafting you can no longer metaphorically run away from the breakdown and end up sobbing all over your husband and confessing to suicidal ideation and self harm urges (don't worry I'm safe. I find talking about it means I don't do it)
Anyway
Things suck right this minute
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kizashige · 1 year
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I think they’re best friends
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neuroticboyfriend · 1 year
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I think mentally ill people should be able to be more open about the darker/deeper aspects of their illness. While we should be courteous of others' triggers, I feel like a lot of us avoid talking about things at all for fear of making others uncomfortable, bringing down the mood, etc. etc. But it's not fair or healthy for us to keep secret what we go through and have gone through.
So, here's a poll to spark a little thought and conversation (Feel free to share specific songs/artists, as well as your experiences, in the notes!)
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yournewfriendshouse · 6 months
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when you have brain fog issues and fatigue issues and when you learn that brains take a catastrophic amount of energy to work and when you think why have I been so tired and you remember that the world is in a state of crisis and genocides are happening and your country is proving itself once again to have no respect or acknowledgement whatsoever for 60,000 years of sovereign claim on the territory you live on because its full of racist colonial wankers and you’ve been evicted and there is so much to do and so much to throw out and dispose of in responsible fashion and you’re getting older and the world isn’t getting better and you have so little control and you’ve been thinking about this of course you’ve been thinking about it because if you can’t help then you can witness but the thing is using energy makes you sicker and witnessing uses so much energy and the algorithms are designed not to be efficient for brain energy they’re designed to use you as the product so that you witness ads as well as bad news so so much bad news so you witness so many ads and so you’re wondering why you’re so goddamn tired
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thesicklycowboy · 8 months
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Is projecting my shit onto my favs a healthy coping skill to avoid relapse urges and suicidal ideation? Maybe, maybe not. At this point Im too far gone to care. And its a distraction from my pain atleast.
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somebucky · 4 months
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I hate having a chronic illness because when I have really bad PTSD and depressive episodes that include self-harming thoughts, I cant turn to anyone but my therapist.
Because she is paid to listen to me "talk about my health" while my friends and family "dont wanna hear it". So dont ask how ive been doing if you dont care about my whole being.
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not-poignant · 9 months
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*waves* I've been sitting on this ask for awhile but I feel ready to share. FFS came at a time when I really needed it. The scene where Ef is talking to the dietician gave me courage to start looking and a few months ago I was accepted into a eating disorder program and began working with my own dietician and food therapist. And it's hard. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong there or that I'm a fraud. I don't know what my goals are w/eating. But I'm trying and your story got me started. Ty ❤️❤️
Hi anon,
I'm so proud of you for seeing a dietitian and food therapist! I think it's incredibly normal honestly when you have an eating disorder and/or disordered eating to think of the absolute extremes of eating disorders and then think 'I shouldn't be here.'
It's normal for us to minimise what we're experiencing, and while I haven't had your experiences, I have had the experience of... having an eating disorder, not realising because I'm fat (it is a restrictive eating disorder, and I did not think this was possible), seeing a dietitian and sort of sitting there like 'yeahhhhh but you don't really think I have this right?' while she metaphorically shakes her and my doctor's assessments at me with an angry look on her face.
It is really hard, because food is like, well we have to do it. And it's hard to do well, because there's a lot of industries absolutely hell-bent in making us hate our bodies, in making us want to eat certain ways or not eat in other ways or avoid macros, because sometimes it's a way to get control, because sometimes we have chronic illnesses and we associate eating with pain, etc. etc. Whatever the reason, it's ever-present and confrontational.
My first serious bout with severe self-harm in years actually came after my second-ever meeting with my dietitian, because we spent an hour talking about my food scarcity experiences in childhood, and I genuinely, genuinely had no idea that it would cause my PTSD to relapse that severely and that quickly.
And I still think, after a year, 'but I don't need to be here do I? This isn't that serious is it?'
Anyway, I know from that, you are absolutely 100% not a fraud, anon. Your healthcare specialists don't think so either. If anything they probably really respect that you're exploring this even despite your doubts and fears. It takes a lot of courage! In some ways it can be a lot easier to get 'normal therapy' before seeing a food therapist, which is wild to say, but there it is. You're brave, anon, and really cool, and I hope you can continue to get support while you're on this journey!! <333
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