#Shadow and bones have more things that appeal to me than those 2 other books and that's what difference it

[orionlakehastodie]

Lol thank you S2 of Shadow and Bone

Okay you know what, Alina did not deserve Aleksander.

The initial draw that Darklina had for me was it's Reylo parallels

Aleksander and Ben are both people who wanted something good but the means they used to justify those ends are only moral in a utilitarian sense

-Ben has been persecuted all his life for being Vader's grandson, was preyed on by Palpatine and his own mother, father and uncle looked at him like he was some big problem and so he wanted to be ruler of a galaxy where he will no longer be persecuted

-Aleksander has been persecuted all his life for being Grisha, he has watched his own family die, his lover, and countless friends

-Both of them find an unlikely soulmate in the hero of the story

-Rey is an orphan seeking belonging, finding purpose in being the Last Jedi and being the savior of the galaxy and yet she's inexplicably drawn to Ben Solo

-Alina is an orphan seeking belonging, finding purpose in being the Sun Summoner and being savior of Ravka

Then there's the sizzling Force Bond connections between them that make everything extra appealing because who doesn't appreciate Force Bonds people?

But here is where things differ:

-When Rey found out that all of this happened to Ben (this meaning Luke tried to kill him, he has been hearing voices in his head, he feels alone) >Rey almost kills Luke, confronting him for what he has done >Ships herself to her Space Husband and tries to save him from Palpatine -When Ben however being the idiot that he is still chooses to stick with his rule the galaxy plan, Rey says fuck this and (rightfully) fights against him -Ultimately though, she admits that she wanted him, but not as Kylo Ren but as Ben, her Ben that she knows is in there

-Ben realizes that living wanting revenge and being angry all the time was not helpful to him and tries to make ammends -He saves Rey and I may not agree with his death as it truly defeats the purpose of his character arc but it was in keeping with character - Ben loves Rey more than anything, more than his own revenge

In the end the Dyad becomes a true soulmate pair, they love each other so much that they are willing to do anything for the benefit of the other, they love each other so much that nothing else matters.

This season 2 of Shadow and Bone was only palatable because of the chemistry Jessie and Ben have but ultimately

-Alina is a thoughtless, selfish child. She could not grasp why Aleksander did all of this in the way Rey understood why Ben did what he did to become Kylo. In her head Aleksander is just a monster, who lied to her and deceived her and she's the big warrior ready to defeat the big bad monster -I always hated Mal but I truly felt and sympathized with him this season because unlike in the books - Mal is fully supportive of Alina in her ventures and did not try to stop her from using her powers. He just tried to stop her from combusting and killing everyone around them. But how does Alina treat him - she ends up getting engaged to a Prince she flirts with THEN gets angry at Mal when Mal doesn't get jealous/hurt/fight for her. Like Alina girl, make up your damned mind about this. -She has no sympathy for anyone, and only feels bad for herself, seeking Merzost -in the end she uses the Cut which is like yeah, obviously, your girl was hungry for this power

-Aleksander was well fleshed out this season and we see the complex feelings he has for his mother and Alina, but as Ben Barnes described it the toxicity within him where he is unable to see reason in the way Ben Solo did his - therefore he was incapable of changing for people he loved

So in conclusion, I'm not so angry at the way this ended because truly Alina did not deserve Aleksander OR Mal OR Nikolaj. She's just this petty pathetic poorly written girl who's only value is that she can summon the sun.

Aleksander deserved to die because he would have never stopped his search for power because that came before love, before anyone or anything. His desire to save Grisha has been corrupted and in that way he never would have stopped even if he became Tsar.

Also kudos to Mal for breaking up with Alina. Like yes please run for your life this girl does not know what she wants and just uses people wishy washy

Can we be done with the Grisha arc because I'd much rather see Nina, Inej, Zoya and Genya featured - I loved how Inej and Kaz blossomed in this season and Jesper and Weylan are so cute. I need to see Nina and her Fjerdan together again

Also don't get me started on Genya - like was that fucking necessary.

I mean I never had high hopes about Leigh Bardugo but really kudos to the chemistry between Ben and Jessie and how they really brought some form of humanity into these characters that got me to love them, but no amount of Ben and Jessie can save this truly atrocious writing.

I also recently saw an interview where Ben was like - the way to win an Oscar is if you do something less good with me the year before and I really felt for him, someone needs to give Ben Barnes the script he deserves :(

#shadow and bone #ben barnes #jessie mei li #the darkling #darklina #reylo #malina

[facelessxchurch]

SP Merch Review

I'm an artist, if there is anything art-related going on with SP of course I will have something to say about it.

It's long, it includes pics and it's under the cut. Enjoy.

Ok, started off with the video bc apparently I love to torture myself.

"But it occurred to me, with the amount of control I exert over all things Skulduggery I would not be entirely comfortable handing someone else that level of control, so I realized-oh- I'm going to have to do it."

^^^^That quote not only sums up why the merch looks the way it does, but this is also why there is no SP movie yet.

"Pins that I have designed, keychains that Jaime [pin maker] has designed"

That explains why the keychains are so much better than the pins

"Booksmarks that Laura has designed"

oh no D:

"I never liked wearing anything intented for the mass-market I always preferred the cult, which is what Skulduggery Pleasant has become."

He does sound like an entitled rich kid AND a gatekeeper at the same time here. Amazing. Also, massive cope here for SP not having become as successful as he wanted it too. And if he means cult like cult-classic than no. If he means cult like cult, then yes. Later on, he goes on about those pins and stuff being little identifiers to find each other and he makes it sound very exclusive and omg people with low self-esteem and the desire to feel like one of the special few are gonna love this.

But he is right, the SP stuff it kinda cultish. It has no more mass appeal but it has a few very dedicated fans that are gonna eat up all things SP no matter what.

_____________________

I'm reading the intro text and this actually does read like he wants to start a cult.

"There are people who exist in this world only because of Skulduggery Pleasant."

Yeah, people do find each other bc of shared interests, SP ain't special in that regard. Also, suspecting that this text was probably written by Landy himself makes reading it even more of an acid trip.

Now to the art related reviews.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie Enamle Pins

2/10

Fuck these are ugly. What's going on with Skulls mouth? He be like OMO he looks lost. Meanwhile Val has no eyebrows and forehead for days plus her outfit could do with a little more detail.

The shape of the actual pin is not only ugly AF (at least make it symmetrical or something for fucks sake) it also gotta be unpleasant to the touch with how spiky it is.

For a fix, honestly just let Jaime (pin maker) do them in the same style as the "Shadow and Bone" ones bc these are freaking gorgeous.

[here is a link to the pins]

If you want something more in the noir-ish style of SP you could also shade the faces like in the mini artworks the old SP books used to have at the beginning of each chapter instead of leaving them completely blank. I can't find pics of that online but it was like a darkest dungeon kinda style.

Tote Bag

?/10

This one has no pic yet but it's supposed to be just covered in SP quotes. No extra points to creativity here, but I don't know what it looks like, so I have nothing much to say yet.

Midnight Hotel Keychain/Bag Charm

8/10

Once again, no points for creativity. Hotel/Motel keychains are pretty popular and Vograce even has their own category for it. But it looks pretty amazing. The pic of the hotel looks good, love the gradient on it, the font is gorgeous. I'm also really digging the silver and blue colours. The only thing that needs to go is the mini skull charm bc it's ugly as fuck.

Hibernian Cinema Keychain/Bag Charm

9/10

Oh, I really like this one! I haven't seen a lot of keychains in ticket form and I think this old school ticked design looks quite quaint. Again the pic of the cinema looks good and the font fits perfectly, the colours harmonise and are pleasant to look at.

Mini Skull Charm

0/10

I hate this. Landy drew this in 5 seconds in MS Paint, didn't he? I showed this to my mom and she insists it looks like a sad little ghost no matter how much I try to explain to her it's the top half of a skull.

Bookmark

1/10

That one point is just a pity point for the effort.

That skull looks like it was traced from a photo by someone who doesn't even know what the word 'line dynamic' means. The random texture on it makes it look dirty and its grin is derpy AF. The colours clash with each other, especially the yellow of the 'kind of' looks way too saturated and out of place. Visually it's just a mess. Also the colours are kinda too dark, especially the blue. The red colours need more contrast between font and book colour. Rule of thumb, if you print it tends to turn out darker than expected.

Plus the fonts(s) are weird. They don't seem to fit SP, instead they make me think of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"??

Not a critique point but bc Tanith likes to read it would have been cool if her sword would have been leaning against it. What also would have been cool, different book stack bookmarks for different characters. With their own quotes and colour schemes.

Here is an example of a bock-stack-quote from the LitPinsAndCo website.

The colours harmonize and the fonts are different but they all fit to each other. Simple but nice book design. It's just pleasant to look at.

I tried to do a REALLY QUICK quick fix to show you what I mean. Added detail to the skull, lightened the colours and tried to harmonize them with a gradient map set to colour with lowered opacity.

Still doesn't look great, but I refuse to spend more than 5 min on it. But you get my point, right?

Stickers and Magnet

?/10

There are no pictures for these either. I would have really hoped at least the page would actually be complete prior to launch :/ on the other hand, I don't like waiting so I actually do prefer quick over complete.

Conclusion

I'm not going to pledge to the Kickstarter personally since I don't actually want any of the items. You know me, I just want nasty boi stuff.

The only ones that turned out good were the ones designed by a professional. Since neither Landy nor Laura are artists I don't understand why they insisted on making official merchandise designs. This is just an ego trip for them again, isn't it?

You know this is the kinda shit I mean when I say Landy is the biggest weak spot of SP. His own ego keeps getting in the way. Laura is just as bad and probably enabling him. I also feel that with this he kinda wants to self-validate himself and 'prove wrong' those that kicked him out of animation school/people that said he is a bad artist.

He needs to let go of his ego and let the professionals take over when he is out of his depth.

#SP Merch #skulduggery pleasant

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Shadow and Bone 2x02 Review

Episode 2, done. Again there will be spoilers in this review so beware, book spoilers with be marked with * before and after so that you can skip over that bit, if you don’t want to see book spoilers don’t read anything between those two * and I suspect I am going to get very bored saying this line by the time I’ve gotten through all 8 episode reviews. But anyway this was another good episode and things are moving along at a good pace so far. A large part of this episode was taken up by the search for the sea whip. We also had a lot of drama going on with the crows, so lets dive in. 

Sturmhond’s Crew and The Sea Whip 

Ok I love Sturmhond and his crew they are just so entertaining to watch and you can see that they’ve all got a really strong bond. But I also really like the dynamic between Alina and Sturmhond. I like that she matched his energy and didn’t just bow down to him or let herself be intimidated by him and that lead to some really great scenes between them. 

One really great scene is when Alina comes to Sturmhond to confront him about changing cause and he picks up that she doesn’t trust him, I do feel like trust was a recurring theme in this episode. Trusting other people but also trusting yourself. As Sturmhond points out Alina, I think largely because of the betrayal she feels over Aleks, is already acting like she has been betrayed, this is likely a defence mechanism on her part and honestly can’t blame her. * Also as much as I appreciate the sentiment about trusting he doesn’t have ulterior motives, us book readers know that he isn’t really being truthful about who he really is and that’s going to suck for Alina later in the season, it certainly isn’t going to help with her trust issues either.* Similar to the scene with Aleks in ep 1 this question of whether Alina truly knows herself comes up. It seems like many characters are going to be questioning her over this, he points out that she doesn’t really understand why she is so valuable to so many people, that its not just about tearing down the fold or because she can summon light its because of that hope she represents, something that she has yet to believe herself. 

Ok I am about to be petty again so malina shippers look away, but I just have to say it Alina and Sturmhond have more chemistry than malina do. I’m sorry its the truth. I mean it still doesn’t match the same level that is darklina but its heaps better than malina. I just think at this point it is kind of embarrassing that the main couple you are supposed to root for is the one with the least amount of chemistry and appeal and that’s out of all of the ships on the show. 

But speaking of Mal I did think his interactions with Sturmhond were really funny, like poor mal felt so put out that Sturmhond wouldn’t even try to remember his name, I mean this is the sun summoner and sun summoner’s guest was kind of funny but I also thought Mal was really funny when he said it wasn’t even a long name to remember. But I also like that towards the end of the episode when he chooses a weapon that Sturmhond approves of that mal earns a bit of his respect and vice versa, they’ve still got a long way to go before they are buddy buddy but I still enjoyed the dynamic they had. 

I don’t know if I would call this a complaint but there was one line in this that made me wary, shall we say, and that is when Alina remarks on how Sturmhond’s crew is made up of both otkazat'sya and grisha and talks about how hey imagine if you combined first and second army. I saw this one coming a mile off, the whole lets unite the two armies rhetoric. Look I am usually all for unity and all that but the problem I have with it here is that thus far the only main first army character we have seen so far is mal. The rest of the time the first army are shown as antagonists to the grisha, they are the ones hunting Aleks and the grisha in the flashback of 1x07 and they are the ones locking grisha in cages currently. So we keep seeing the first army do horrible things to the grisha and then you’ve got alina going hey lets get the grisha to make friends with the first army. I get the sentiment behind it I really do but I also feel like the first army are going to have to put in a lot of work too. I also just know that they are going to use this as a way of showing that Aleks is bad because he didn’t unite the two armies, whilst also completely ignoring the fact that the King also wasn’t rushing to unite the two armies either and that of course Aleks isn’t going to trust the first army considering his past with them. 

But moving on lets talk about the sea whip. It looked as gorgeous as I thought it was going to from the trailers. But it was also alot more vicious than I expected it to be, though thinking about it more I don’t know why, maybe it was because of how calm and peaceful the stag seemed to be. But the Sea Whip was definitely playing with them and it did kill at least two people. Eventually it attacking mal does lead to Alina killing it and it is kind of ironic that Alina has this whole, we don’t need to kill the amplifiers to get there power thing going on and yet she has caused the death of two amplifiers now because she was protecting mal. *But I do suspect that they might be doing the whole you don’t have to kill an amplifier to get its power because of that plot twist with the third amplifier.* 

The scene when Alina takes the amplifier was stunning and loved how her powers looked and how you kind of hand that steady glow that was similar to the Stag but then there were these wisps of golden light that were slithering like the Sea Serpent. It just looked visually spectacular. I also loved how joyous Alina looked, she looked almost drunk on the power. I also thought it was interesting how the scene where the amplifier is being put on her was intercut with scenes of the darkling and that hot poker trying to heal the wound on his hand from the stag and then mal through the eyes of the sea whip. I definitely think this is foreshadowing, book readers will know.   

The Crows 

So much was going on with the crows this episode. We got more flashbacks of Kaz’s backstory and it turns out I was right in my previous review the older boy in the flashbacks is Kaz’s older brother. It looks like the connection to Rollins is that he offered them some kind of job which I am going to assume was actually a scam of some kind. I also do wonder if it is linked to the plague cemetery that the crows use as a meeting point as in ep 1 we did see what look like some kind of disease and now I am even more worried about Kaz’s brother. I am wondering if the job Rollins offers them somehow gets them exposed to the plague and his brother dies and that’s why Kaz wants to get revenge on Rollins so badly. 

As I mentioned before, trust is a theme that comes up a few times in this episode and this can be seen within the crows too. The crows seem to be struggling to trust Kaz because of how secretive he is being. It also seems like Kaz is struggling to completely open and trust the other crows. I really loved the scene on the rooftop between Kaz and Inej when she pushes to tell her his story with Rollins. It was interesting when he talked about secrecy being about survival and I do think on some level this is relatable. I mean I guess that is why people keep secrets, to protect themselves or others they love. But I also like what Inej said about trust being the opposite of secrecy, it was basically her saying he could trust her and she’d be there when he was ready to open up, at least that’s how I read it.  

I love Wylan, just wanted to point that out. I also really want to know the story of his connection with Jesper because they clearly have met before. Also maybe its my dirty mind get in the way here, but the fact that Jesper suddenly recalled that he had met Wylan before whilst lying on top of him, I mean, did these guys like sleep together at some point in the past? Or am I just reading too much into that. But it would explain why Wylan seemed kind of infatuated with Jesper in ep 1. Either way they do have some really good chemistry and I really so think these guys may have a romantic plot line this season. 

Speaking of couples I have to talk about Nina and Matthias because they are breaking my heart right now. I mean poor Matthias is locked up in hellgate. But there was that, well I don’t know what it was but it seemed like a flashback and it was a really steamy moment between him and Nina. Honestly my immediate reaction was hey up when did this happen? Which made me wonder if it was just him fantasising about Nina in that moment. But what makes me doubt it was just a fantasy is that right before the steamy scene Matthias’ cellmate says that their god will forgive his sins, then it shows the possible flashback, and then Matthias says the god could never forgive his sins. We also know from season 1 that Fjerdans have very different views on intimacy between a man and a woman and how its reserved for marriage so if he really did sleep with Nina offscreen in season 1 then his culture and upbringing could be resulting in him feeling some guilt about his relationship with Nina, especially as at the moment he believes she tricked and betrayed him. 

As for Nina she too is struggling with feelings of guilt and she is also thinking about Matthias but her guilt is wrapped up in the part she played in getting him sent to Hellgate and its clear that she is desperate to get him back and that really does tug at my heartstrings. 

The crows do get hit with some blows this episode and it is another one of those situations where their plan just does not go according to plan and yet somehow they still work their way out of it. The guy that Rollins sent after Inej, the Taxidermic, was really creepy, somehow I think we might end up seeing him again. I loved the scene where Jesper had a shoot out with Rollins guys, those gun tricks just look so cool. But once again I am very curious to see what their next steps are going to be but also what Rollins is going to do next. 

Aleksander and Darklina. 

So we got another dream, mind scene between darklina this episode and once again it was really great. They just have so much tension and angst in their scenes together and even when they are angry with each other they still have chemistry and sexual tension between them. 

I’ve said it before but darklina have this dynamic where even when they are arguing they are still communicating and I do think Aleks was spitting out some truths in this scene that Alina didn’t want to hear. He points out that she may think that she has found a family and love with Mal but that it will all fade away because mal will grow old but Alina will only grow more powerful. I do have to keep reminding myself that whilst as the audience we know Aleks’ past Alina does not. So when Aleks talks about knowing how she feels when she’s with Mal, Alina scoffs and I do think this is again a defence mechanism, she doesn’t want to believe that Aleks is capable of love or that he could love her because that would make things too complicated. There was a time when she thought he felt those things for her and she felt them for him, where she thought she might have found that family and future with him, she says it herself in 1x07, ‘we could have had this, all of it.’ But now she feels betrayed and hurt by him so it is easier to imagine that he is someone who is incapable of love. It make sit easy to make him her villain. 

I do think that when Aleks begins to describe the loneliness and the weight of their immortality, the ache that comes with it, that it strikes a nerve with Alina because deep down, despite her denying it, she does know exactly what he is talking about. I do think that Aleks feels very frustrated by Alina’s naivety because he has already experienced everything he is warning her about and despite his anger at her I also do think some part of him still cares about her and he can see that her denial will only lead to her getting hurt in the same way he was. 

Alina however is vey much in denial and she want’s to make it clear to him that they are not the same, that she doesn’t want to be like him, but at the same time I don’t think she can completely deny the truth, which is that she is more like him than she wants to admit. I said in last ep review that when she came to the mind palace in her blue kefta it might have been an act of defiance on her part to not wear his colours. Well in this one she is wearing the black kefta but she decides to take it off and this moment is really interesting because all though she is making a statement and saying I’m not like you and I won’t wear your colour again, she has to turn her back to him before taking it off, like she can’t look at him as she does it, and Aleks too has to look away and you can see that it is hurtful to him that she is doing this. What also interests me about it is that I’ve talked in the past about this metaphor of shredding their kefta, like Aleks does in 1x04 and how they come to each other without their keftas in their nightclothes and how this symbolises them shedding their armour in a way and how they usually have very open and vulnerable scenes. Well its the same here after she takes off the Kefta Aleks goes on this rant where he’s just letting all his feelings pour out, similar to that war room scene in ep 4, he talks about how he’s had to change his identity over and over and watch loved ones die from sickness, desperation, hate and time itself. This is what makes Aleks such a sympathetic character because of moments like this, you can’t help but feel bad for him, he’s been through so much pain and suffering. Ben also does a phenomenal job in these scenes and is so good at bringing that vulnerable side to the character and that humanity. You can see when he is giving this rant that Alina is feeling complicated feelings, its clear she hates to see his pain, you see her look away, but she also doesn't want to feel sympathy for him or care for him so she pushes it down and hides it behind her anger. What is interesting is next she kind of mocks him a bit, asking if that’s how he justifies his actions, her tone when talking about his loneliness and open wound is very mocking. But despite her mocking she still seems drawn towards him and moves closer. It’s like she is saying one thing but her body is communicating something else entirely.

Aleks doesn’t back down from this kind of challenge Alina is making and instead also moves closer until once again there is zero personal space between these guys. When he calls her ‘my Alina’ this does get a reaction out of her and she has to look away but as is par for the course with darklina she can’t keep her eyes from his for long. Throughout this whole scene I did wonder if Alina had figured out yet that Aleks was still alive but from the way she says ‘you’re already dead’ its made clear that she hasn’t so I’m guessing she thinks she’s just dreaming these conversations between them. 

Another subject that comes up in this conversation between them is this idea of the past being an open wound and Alina saying Aleks’ past is the cause of all ruin. In a way she is kind of right but unlike the audience she thinks his past was him deliberately creating the fold whereas we know the wound that won’t close is him and his people being hunted, Luda getting killed and him accidently creating the fold. Its his trauma from the past though that has made him the way he is now and why he is so desperate to safe the grisha at any cost.

This idea of a wound that won’t heal those is carried over into Aleks reality as he literally has wounds that won’t heal. Despite Genya trying the wounds left by the volcra and the stag antler won’t heal completely. It is obvious that he is in alot of pain as well and that the nichevo’ya are having a direct effect on his wellbeing. We see him go to a alchemist grisha looking for a cure for a splitting pain in his head and that alchemist suggests that they only thing that can heal merzost is more merzost. This leads to Aleks going and getting morozova’s journal and it is revealed that he has also hidden his mother in a cave, honestly that scene with baghra was funny the way she tsks him and pretty much tells him he looks like crap, but also what was with that smile Aleks gave after Baghra said he had kept her locked up there for weeks? He looked so damned pleased with himself. I am calling it now though Baghra is so totally stealing that journal and taking it to Alina.     

Anyway that’s another review done onto the next episode! 

Favourite lines of the episode. 

‘The past informs everything, its the wound that will not heal.’ 

‘Trust is the other side of secrecy.’ 

‘You’re not just sunshine, sunshine. You’re hope for the future.’ 

#shadow and bone #s&b season 2 spoilers #darklina #anti malina

[genderhoax]

I used to want to be an artist but then i stopped drawing for like 7 years. I want to go back but i'm scared and dont know where to start. So yes, i am interested in those drawing videos can you post them if you dont mind? ^_^

Of course!! I am in the same situation as you actually. I used to draw a lot in middle school (2010-2012) but my depression worsened during high school and in college, I’d only draw as a distraction, never seeking to study or improve. I decided to get back this year, since I decided drawing was the only thing I could see myself doing professionally. I felt very lost, because how do you get back? How do you know what’s your actual, current, art skill? What are your weaknesses? Your strong points?

That’s how I learned to study the fundmentals of art. Because visual art is not a skill. It is a set of skills, if you are very good at anatomy but not really when coming to painting your art is going to look differently than someone who learned anatomy in how to draw manga books but paint like a pro. I am going to divide this post in categories, Also, all the videos I link I also recommend all the channels they are from! My favorites are The Drawing Database, Sycra and Ganev, Sycra and The Drawing Databse have a little of everything and are great at explaining. Ganev is a bit sarcastic but I like the way he teaches. I took some parts of the text of this post from here.

How do I begin? How do you even get back at art? What tips should you use? These are general tips videos, usually nice to draw along. /the fundmentals and how to get started/ /5 tips for better drawing/ /perfect pratice/  /beginner’s guide/ /5 tips for digital art/ /10 tips to improve/ /why your drawings are stiff/ /what level is your art/ /improve your art fast/ /drawing basics/ /how to hold and control your pencil/ /intuitive drawing method/ /iterative drawing/

The Fundamentals: Proportion & Placement Proportion is relationship between one element and another. In the visual arts proportion relates most importantly to the abstract quality of scale and placement. You know how stereotypically an artists puts a pencil to their eye when looking at an object? They’re mesuring the proportion of the object in question and how to represent it corectly in the drawing. /principles of proportion/ /ways to create illusion of space/ /drawing the human figure/ /how to draw proportions playlist/ /how to use proportion in character design/ /basic anatomy and proportions part one/ /part two/ /part three/ /part four/ /proportion basics/

Form & Construction The idea of form is how we see the 3D objects in or world and transform them into 2D in the paper/canvas. It’s understading that eveyrthing is made up of basic forms. /dynamic sketching part one/ /part two/ /how to draw forms/ /structure/ /building form/ /another how to draw forms/ /how to visualize 3D forms/ /form study process/

Perspective & Depth Perspective is knowing that as things move away from the viewer’s eye, things seem to get smaller. Get familiarized with terms like horizon line and vanishing point. This is the basic that must be understood to learn perspective. Here’s a good article about this. /an intro video on the subject/ /step by step tutorial/ /perspective basics part one/ /part two/ /part three/ /part four/ part five /part six/  /another basics video/ /20 perspective lessons/ /eye level tip/  /linear perspective/  /simple form perspective/ /drawing the figure in perspective/

Anatomy Anatomy is something I think it’s one the most crucials things to learn in order to make your drawing look good. Once you understand how joints work you’ll be able to see how bones and muscles move. And this goes for anything with a skeleton. It’s one of those things of you learn the rules before breaking them. I am linking different playlists, since linking different videos on various parts of anatomy would take forever. Just study a body part at time: head, eyes, nose, lips, ears, shoulders, neck, hairline, breats, torso, hands, feet etc. /how to do an anatomy tracing/  /playlist 1 /  /draw the head from any angle/  /anatomy for artists/ /draw facial features/ /how to draw and paint/ /playlist 2/ /draw 3/4 head with loomis method/ /playlist 3/ /drawing a head in 3 hours (this one is great to draw along with the artist)/ /how to draw a body/ draw a head with loomis method part 1/  /part 2/ /part 3/ /decipgering bridgman’s anatomy/ /anatomy quick tips/

Gesture Gesture drawing is a method of capturing figures in exaggerated poses, usually drawn quickly. It is important to undersand that the goal of all gesture is to study the figure and see how it moves. I like looking at poses and copying them. Here’s a good article. /how to draw gesture/  /how to draw any pose/ /draw interesting poses/ /a guide on gesture drawing/  /tips for expressive dynamic poses/  /figure drawing tips/

Composition The overall layout of a piece is very important. Artists often consider things like the rule of thirds or the infamous golden ratio. Neither truly defines a composition, but they can both go into your decision making. /composition in art/  /understanding composition/ /10 composition tips/ /beginner’s guide to composition/ /art fundamental: composition/

Value Studying value is very much the study of light and shadow. But there is a technical side of light that you’ll want to pay attention to if you’re going for technical rendering. /guide on rendering/  /seeing light and shadows in daily life/  /10 minutes to a better painting/ /understaing colors and values/ /shading basics/ /ambient occlusion/ /shadow colors/ /tips on how to shade/ /draw shadows on objects and people/ /lighting tutorial/

Color Theory Color theory is understanding which colors go good with eachother, and knowing the pyschology behind it. (what are cool colors? what colors make someone feel comfortable?) It is fundamental in art for you to understand the relationship between colors and what makes them look good. Best color theory books. A comprehensive guide to color theory. /hue value saturation in photoshop/ /color theory for noobs/ /understanding color/ /what you should know about colors/  /warm and cool colors/  /the basic elements/ /choose colors that work/

Traditional Media If you draw in traditional media, all videos above can be used easily. These are just videos for general tips in traditional media, there isn’t many since my focus is digtal ^^’ /watercolor tips/ /draw with colored pencils/ /blending colored pencils/ /4 how to draw lessons/ /Block in colors/ /holding the brush/ /

Digital Media Digital art is how everyone’s been doing art these days. It doesn’t matter if you’re doing with your phone or your computer. I don’t do art on my phone, I know the most used app is mediabang for android and procreate for apple, and I think anyone who is able to do art with their finger is very skilled. If you are like me and prefer doing art on your computer, you probably have your tablet. If not, well you should have. Not having a tablet is not an option if you want to get better at art ^^’ Best tablet for beginners in 2020. Or you can just buy an old used one, if it still works, and you are a beginner, a small intuos is all you need. When talking about softwares, the three big ones I see people using are: Photoshop, Clip Paint Studio and Paint Tool Sai. The best one is CPS, but I find Sai easier to navigate, but CPS is extremely complete and I hope to be able to master it someday. CPS Tutorials. I don’t have much to say about photoshop, people use it mostly because they’ve been using it forever lol I divide my digital painting process in steps: Sketch/Lineart/Color Blocking/Shading/Blending/Color correction. Sketch is the basics, draw your idea. Lineart is to clean your sketch. Color Blocking is to color your drawing one color, so it’s easier to work in it. Shading is to understand where the lighting sources are coming from and apply them. Blending is to blend the colors of your drawing with brushes. Color correction is when I use filters of hue/saturation and others to make the drawing more appealing. These require understadings of the software of your choice which I am not very good at the moment so I can’t give you more tips than that ^^’ Hopefully these videos can help. /perspective grid/ /clean line art/  /coloring process/ /make lineart interesting/ /best brushes for digital painting/ /skin shading tutorial/  /lineart vs painting/ /art in clip studio paint/ /hair tutorial/ /3 tips for improving/ /10 digital art mistakes/ /color block tutorial/ /shading skin/ /from lineart to painting/ /cleaner lineart/ /add texture to your art/ /improve your art with better shadows/ /the importance of brushes/ /use layer modes/ /improve your lines/ /how to blend colors/ /another blending tutorial/  /color blocking/

Exercises It’s no secret that to improve on art, you must pratice. Everyday, even if it’s just a little! A great way to pratice is make use of youtube picture in picture function to draw along in your software of choice. /pratice drawing forms/ /proportion exercises/ /perspective exercises/ /value studies/ /creative drawing exercises/  /simple drawing esercises/

Resources Senshi stocks, a deviantart page full of poses photos. Quick poses,  pictures of models, contains nudes. Character design references DesignDoll, create a personalized sketch doll and make it pose.

Phew!!! This took forever to make and is way more than you asked for, but I decided to go all in so I can have a masterpost for me too and for anyone else interested in art. As soon you can understand the fundamentals, you can do your own research and study, youtube is really great for this. I hope this helps, let’s get better at drawing together!!! Ganbarimashou (ง •̀_•́)ง

#anon #askbox #I feel there's a lot more to add but I'm tired I've been working on this sicne yesterday ^^' #Like there's more softwares and resources I could link you I know of that #So when I think of something else I may add to this psot #post #if you feel overwhelmed because this is a lot of info you can start with the beginner section of this psot #and sycra's channel

[takaraphoenix]

I just finished Shadow and Bone, and I was genuinely curious, from one multishipper to another, who have you found yourself shipping in this show?

Aaah! I hope you enjoyed it I am so in love with this show--!

As of the canon ships, I only really found myself attached to one and that's Aleksander/Alina, holy shit the chemistry and softness between them, the way their actors sell it, this ship is raw. I adore it.

At which point my multishipper nature comes through because nearly all of my other ships are Alina-centric too. xD

I LOVE Alina/Inej, holy shit. The way their dynamic evolved from the mere saint/worshipper to the dagger exchange and something far more... human than the worship, but still with that adoration in mind? Damn.

Also Genya/Alina though, those two in the Little Palace were so cute with each other, so soft, so very touchy, that's hard not to ship honestly.

Still on the fence about Zoya/Alina, visually it's stunning but Zoya's start in this show - especially with the racist comment toward Alina - really didn't make me like her much, but then she had that incredibly sudden change of heart in the finale and not gonna lie the "I saved your life and am grateful to you but also I still don't like you" dynamic is very charming at times, so I'm curious to see how their relationship progresses in season 2, but from all I've seen from how much book readers seem to love Zoya, I am expecting quite a change and growth there so I think is is something that's gonna get me really on board too.

My only not-Alina-ship is Kaz/Jesper and they're just yes. I love Jesper's cheekiness and the contrast with Kaz's absolute authority and the dynamic and trust between them. It is highly appealing.

So, this show puts me in a real pickle because yeah sure I usually end up multishipping, I... usually also have... other ships. Like, so here Chara A is with B, but hey I also like C with F so that's happening at the side here during this. And I just... don't really have that for this fandom?

I guess David/Genya could be cute, but there was just way too little of them for me to go by, it was another one of these expected heteronormative things. Which this show did a lot. Outside of Aleksander and Alina, they really relied heavily on the expected heteronormativity. Look at them, they looked at each other. Ship it pls. No, you... you, as the writer, have to put the work in there and show me what or why. I hope season 2 gives me more about their dynamic.

But I don't have any other Inej ship, or Aleksander ship (though the latter, I don't think there will be).

I generally hope that season 2 gives me more dynamics and more ship-possibilities. I've seen people in the fandom hype the Zoya-Inej interaction up so I dunno if that is something that's deeper explored in the books and might be more in season 2 and if that's something I could ship. I guess that'd have potential.

And then there is Nadia, who from what I gather has a canon girlfriend in the books, so I hope she will get... more screentime... and said girlfriend in season 2.

Oh, also Mal/Zoya, I think that can work, I did like their flirting in episode 1 and if they reunite again, that could be a ship to go to.

Where did you end up, ship-wise?

#Shipping #Shadow and Bone #thanks for making me #ramble about it #<3 #I love that show right now #xD

[of-elves-and-mad-hatters]

“The Azure Sky” - Chapter 4 - Lego Elves

Shadows to the Brightest Flame: Series

- The legacy of Lumia’s influence is scarred eternally into the lands of Elvendale. Burdened by a prophecy foretelling her demise and need for a successor, she watches for one capable of such power. Yet her enemies are working steadily to undo all she’s labored so long for, and it is millenia too late to make peace. 

Emily Jones, heir to Eimileen, is a bold girl dedicated to protecting Elvendale, but the world she has grown so fond of is not so black and white as it seems, and the titles of Guardian of Portal and Guardian of Light may hold darker legacies some ancient elves have worked tirelessly to hide. 

In conjunction with the extended version of the Guardian of Light prophecy I wrote previously

Basically a rewrite of all of the Lego Elves & Secrets of Elvendale storylines with an additional arc beyond the Season 4: Into the Shadows. There will be a varying degree of deviation from canon.

Technically a crossover with Lord of the Rings/Hobbit/Silmarillion in terms of worldbuidling, as I set Elvendale as being north of Middle-Earth, cause this is fanfic and I can. So there will be mentions of the Noldor, Sindar, Silvan, and some Tolkien characters, but they will be mostly background. Definitely not an issue if you aren’t familiar with the Middle-Earth fandom; everything will still be easy to understand. 

Book 1: The Azure Sky

Grieving over the unexpected death of her grandmother, Emily Jones is accidentally trapped in another world. Befriending a few young elves in an attempt to find her way home, Emily discovers many secrets about her grandmother’s past, but for every truth she learns two more questions take its place, leaving her vulnerable to darker force inhabiting this realm. 

A rewrite of Unite the Magic

____________________________________________

Chapter 1 

Chapter 2 

Chapter 3

____________________________________________

Chapter 4

Emily watches the golden light of early sunset reflects upon the surface of the ocean, changing shape and hue as the waves roll. The gentle rhythm is soothing, distancing her from the events of the past couple of weeks.

Peaceful, content.

She shifts her position on the wooden bench. She feels the edge of a splinter catch the hem of her shorts, sighs.

It’s all too real to be a dream.

The admittance is not as terrifying as it should be, being trapped in a strange world, but it certainly a beautiful one, vibrant, angelic. A part of her truly would rather stay here a thousand years than suffer another day on Earth, a voice that cares not whether they succeed in finding a way to return her home.

That wistful dream shatters when she thinks of her parents and her little sister, Sophie, wondering where she could be, having only gone to wander in her grandmother’s garden. They would never learn the truth, the mystery forever haunting them.

She leans her head over, watching the water, frowns. “Have we stopped?”

“No, Em,” Azari calls from above the cabin. “We’re just going so fast you can’t feel it.”

“Actually,” Naida corrects, “We’ve stopped. The wind’s died down.”

“Oh! I could build a windmill! Or some wings…” Aira bubbles.

“Someone’s desperate to build something,” smirks Azari.

Farran raises an eyebrow. “Aira, you control the wind.”

Aira pouts. “Fine.” She stands at the bow, raising her hands towards the sky. She starts to sing, or screach. The other elves clamps their hands over their ears as her voice raises in volume. A gale gathers above their heads and with the final note floods the sails. The boat begins to cut across the water.

Keeping her eyes on the map, Naida guides the water telekinetically. Azari makes her way down, sighing with boredom. “How much farther is it…” The boat stops.

Aira frowns. “That gale should have kept us going…”

“It’s alright,” Naida soothes. She strides over to let down the anchor. “We’re here.”

“But where is here, exactly? All I see is a bunch of ocean,” Azari questions, “No offense.”

“The map wouldn’t lead us astray.” As the water elf finishes, new runes appear on the righthand corner of the map.

“The deep shelters all things from curious eyes

Fates of those who should not have dared the sea

Graves graced with the memorials of strangers

Bones piled high and crowned with mermaid’s tears.” Naida reads aloud.

“Well that doesn’t sound foreboding,” Farran chuckles nervously.

The water elf ignores him and turns to the human girl. “Emily, what do you think of all of this?”

Emily shrugs, feeling once again as though she were being tested. “Well, I can barely believe I’m on a boat with elves and in a land with mermaids to begin with, but um, I remember my grandmother telling me that mermaid’s tears were pearls.”

Naida’s eyes shine with approval. “Well remembered.” She turns and bends down, lifting an ornamental rug to reveal a viewing port in the bottom of the boat. Through the glass a shipwreck can be seen. It is strangely arrayed, fully covered in coral and other sea plants, but the wood seems perfectly preserved, almost petrified. The reef extends up a rocky mound towering above the fragmented structure. Intermixed with the coral are hundreds of bones, separated and scattered but perfectly intact, even the skulls. Atop are nestled a group of large oysters, their shells muted in typically muddy greys and browns.

“So the key is inside an oyster?” Emily asks. “That’s kinda cool.”

Farran frowns. “Yeah, but how are we going to get it?”

“I can try,” Naida offers, but their is hesitancy in her voice.

“Wait, you’re going to try and walk down to the bottom of the ocean?” Azari looks incredulous. “Have you ever tried sustaining your magic that long?”

“I’ve come close,” Naida reassures, “And there aren’t a lot of other appealing options.”

“We could get help!” Azari argues.

“No, the fewer people who know what we’re doing, the better.”

“Why? Every elf in Elvendale would give their right hand to help the descendant of the fifth sister!”

“We still don’t know for certain that Emily is related to the fifth sister. The evidence favors that conclusion, but not to the satisfaction of every inhabitant of this continent. And even if we could prove it, the Sisters made enemies by making that portal. We could be endangering Emily’s life.”

“What enemies? Aside from some disgruntled elves on the southern border and a few skeptics, the portals weren’t really controversial.”

Naida frowns. “I don’t actually know,” she confesses, “Only that was what Nuala said, that they made enemies of those who were once their allies. She never explained more than that.”

“Well, I for one don’t think you should risk your life over shadows and boogeymen,” Azari responds. “Farran?” she asks, assuming his support.

“Actually,” Farran nervously runs his hand through his hair, “I agree with Naida. We shouldn’t get anyone else involved.”

The fire elf looks shocked. “Aira?”

Aira laughs nervously, “I don’t know? In the end shouldn’t it be Naida’s choice what risk she takes?”

Azari’s face hardens to one of disbelief. Ever the rebel of the group, she never imagined a day would come when her friends approved of something she considered too dangerous. “I guess I’m outvoted then,” she mutters.

Feeling guilty, Emily opens her mouth to speak on Azari’s behalf, but Naida has already begun forming a tunnel in the water and stepped off the side of the boat. They hold their breath as she wanders down, the tunnel growing until in envelopes the tip of the coral mound covered in oysters. The largest of the group opens its lid, revealing a bed with two shiny white pearls and a blue metallic key. 

Naida grasps the key, flinching as the oyster clamps its shell suddenly closed. Face beginning to strain with effort of maintaining the magic, the water elf hurries back to the surface. She nearly collapses onto the deck, but brushes off the other elves’ help. “I’m fine, just a little tired.”

“That was incredible,” Emily exclaims. Aira and Farran resound the praise. 

Azari crosses her arms, but her frown cracks into a smile. “That was kinda awesome.” Naida returns the compliment with a hug, which the other elves quickly join. Emily stands awkwardly off to the side. 

“So,” Azari’s voice travels from inside the group, “When are we gonna eat? I’m starving.”

#emily jones #lego elves #elvendale #unite the magic #azari firedancer #naida riverheart #farran leafshade #aira windwhistler #fanfiction #fanfic #fandom

[tinumiel]

Thoughts on Shadow and Bone

obviously, spoilers, ALL THE SPOILERS BELOW....

What they nailed:

Alina Starkov. I really loved Jessie Mei Li as Alina. She’s fresh, genuine, and she has the cutest smile ever. I’m usually not a fan of adding elements that aren’t in the original material, but I loved how they incorporated Jessie’s ancestry into the story and made Alina half Shu-Han. Not only does it make 100% sense, with Alina being from an area with a lot of Ravkan/Shu-Han interchange, but it also respects both the actress and the story rather than saying “Oh yes, Alina’s looks slightly asian now”. I loved how she was portrayed, I felt like she was a blank canvas that slowly filled with color as her story progressed, and Jessie really brought her to life.

The Darkling. First things first. I love the Darkling, in case that wasn’t already obvious. And I love Ben Barnes, in case that wasn’t obvious either. For some reason, it seemed like the show creators really wanted to rub the “he’s the BAD GUY” powder in my face, but joke’s on them, because Ben Barnes portrayal really added to the tragedy of his character, to everything that he’s been through and to the corruption of his ideals. How he went from an outcast wanting to stand up for himself and his people, to a tyrant fueled mainly by vengeance (if they wanted to make him less sympathetic so badly, why on earth would they include that flashback scene? How lonely he was, how manipulating, how driven. Also, how plainly hot he is.

Darklina. On the same note, the chemistry between Jessie Mei Li and Ben Barnes is insane. There were only a couple of Darklina scenes, but they were so powerful, that I find it hard to believe even non darklina shippers didn’t feel it. To be fair, I’m a Darklina fan (I’m actually a Nikolina fan, but Darklina is my second favorite), so I guess there might be a slight bias on the subject. Just as they were trying too hard to state the Darkling was evil, they tried too hard to make Darklina less appealing (like, they took away the whole Darkling’s real name element, what was that about?). But the actors had such good chemistry that despite whatever attempt the creators might have had to make it clear Darklina is “wrong”, it flopped. They had the best romantic chemistry. Even when they were fighting. Shivers.

The Crows. Flawless. Perfection. Chef kisses. Every single one of my traumatized teenager found family members was perfectly introduces, portrayed and everything was perfectly set up for Six of Crows storyline. Kaz Brekker? Flawless. Freddy Carted had all the aesthetic. Maybe they could have shown more signals of his phobia to being touched, but I guess we’ll see more of that next season. The scene of Kaz vs. Darkling? Didn’t even know I needed it. Of course the one person that could have outsmarted the Darkling would be the Bastard of the Barrel. Kick his shadow summoner ass, baby. Inej? An absolute queen. Her devotion, her faith, her skill. She was simply perfect. Amita Suman is gorgeous and she’s exactly how I pictured Inej to be. Kit Young? He brought the personification of chaotic energy that is Jesper and elevated it to a new plane of existence. Jesper was perfect. His loyalty, his cockiness, his skill, but also his weaknesses, his addiction, his playful side. God, he was amazing. 

Nina and Mathias? Nothing to say other than I love them your honor. I loved that they stuck to Nina’s body type and casted a curvier actress. And Mathias? All tall and blonde and stubborn? My sweet, dumb himbo. Their chemistry was amazing too. The scene in the whaler’s cabin? Even better than I imagined it in the books.

The visuals. The Fold. Ketterdam. The keftas, Os Alta, Tsybeya. It was all so beautiful. Ketterdam was almost just as i imagined it. The fold was even better. I think the one mark they missed was the Little Palace (where’s the golden dome?) and Bahgra’s hut (which wasn’t a hut, it was a cave). The Grisha power. The shadows controlled by the Darkling, the light controlled by Alina, Genya’s tailoring, the Summoners in general. It all looked so cool

Special shoutout to Milo the goat. You brought all the cuteness to the Crows.

What they missed:

Mal. Yes, yes, I know a lot of people are very defensive of Mal because he’s the “good guy”. But my thoughts regarding the character and how lowkey toxic he is belong to another post, because this isn’t about Mal in general, but about Show Mal. I think Archie Renaux did great with what was handed to him, but he was handed a pretty dull deck. I had the feeling I was going to like show!Mal much more than Book!Mal. In fact, I didn’t even think it was possible for it to be differently, but it was. I was rolling my eyes at Mal more times in one season of the show than I did in all three books. I saw none of his charming scenes, his womanizer moments, his sarcastic comments that landed so well with the situation. Mal’s sense of humor was one of the key factors that make me like the character to some extent in the books, and I felt none of that in the show. They wanted so badly to show him as this Mr. Right Person for Alina, that it was like that was his only personality trait. They really did Archie Renaux dirty because I’m sure he could have done wonders if the writers had included just a little more of Mal’s humorous side.

Malina. Kind of goes hand in hand. Just like with Mal, I won’t go into why I dislike the ship as a whole, but why I felt like the show missed the mark on it. It felt so incredibly forced, like they were trying to shove it down the audience’s throat. The actors had great chemistry portraying best friends, but I felt 0 romantic chemistry. Look at Kaz and Inej, they never once adressed their relationship directly, and yet the chemistry was still there. So then it seemed like they tried to compensate that by throwing in all those flashback scenes, but you can’t construct a ship solely on that, because we are not following that story, we’re following the present story. The thing about Malina in the books, is that the readers could actually decide for themselves whether they liked it or not, while in the show they were pretty much forcing you to. Also, I felt like they missed Alina’s initial crush on Mal while he didn’t really see her that way at first. If they had included that, maybe it would have seemed a little bit less forced rather than having Mal make heart eyes at her from the first moment.

Zoya. I was low-key disappointed of her because I missed a lot of ehr coldness, her superiority and her elegance. Zoya was this powerful, ambitious grisha, proud, cold, charming, sassy. While they gave her most of her lines from the book, I felt like the show reduced her to simply a local mean girl pinning for the Darkling, with little self control over her emotions, when we know in truth no one had a better control over her emotions than Zoya, and that it takes a lot more than two punches to trigger her. I wanted to see more of the #Queen and less of the #Meangirl

That was pretty much all. The rest of the secondary characters were all good, I just didn’t mention them because I focused on what really popped out to me. I’m excited for season 2, especially to see the Ice Court Heist, and, of course, to see the arrival of our lord and savior Nikolai Lantsov (all though I am terrified of his casting because he’s just one of those character you NEED to be perfect).

#shadow and bone #grishaverse #six of crows #shadow and bone netflix #the darkling #alina starkov #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #jesper #nina zenik #mathias helvar #mal oretsev #zoya nazyalensky #shadow and bone spoilers #beware the: shadow and bone spoilers #out the door (ooc)

[titusmoody]

2021 Q2 stuff

Games

Return of the Obra Dinn -- Very different. A great experience to play, it doesn’t use any typical “gamer” skills or knowledge. It also hit on a lot of my personally prefered sensibilities (stories self-contained to ships, non-linear storytelling, mysteries, and meticulous attention to detail)

Kentucky Route Zero -- Even more different. I’m glad I played it for the atmosphere, though it didn’t click with me the way Obra Dinn did. Extremely atmospheric and cool, but also has a strong academic curiosity to it.

DOOM (2016)-- Okay, we’re back to regular video games. Everything about this one seems very carefully crafted. I had a good, mindless time with this one.

Spider-Man -- Not as well-crafted as DOOM, but also less juvenile. I also had a good, mindless time with this one.

Metroid: Samus Returns -- Feels like Metroid. The moment-to-moment combat is different than Super Metriod and Fusion, which is a nice way to keep things from getting stale.

TV

Shadow and Bone -- Sometimes tropes exist because they make for good stories. This show was a good example of that.

Pani Poni Dash -- WTF Japan, in a good way

Princess Tutu -- Much like I felt about Cowboy Bebop, this show was very well-made and I had an easy time appreciating what it was doing, though in the end it’s not the kind of thing that’s really for me

Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid -- Pleasant to watch, mostly lighthearted but could definitely have emotional moments here and there to keep you interested.

Kakegurui -- Shows like this are the reason anime fans are so self-depricating. It was thoroughly trashy, but I’d be lying if I said that the trashiness didn’t lead to a lot of fun.

Love, Chunibyo, and other Delusions -- An excellent comfort-watch. About a high-schooler trying to run away from his cringe-y middle school phase. I definitely have criticisms of it, but I’m also definitely going to watch it again.

Devilman Crybaby -- I swear, Masaaki Uasa takes the most overdone premises and portrays them in such bonkers ways that they become pretty cool. This isn’t one of the best examples of that, but it still works.

Gundam 0080: War in the Pocket -- Part of Gundam’s brand is that it shows the effect of wars on individuals. This is a great small-scale example of that. 

She-Ra -- It’s good. The plot kinda meanders and the backstory lore is presented confusingly/unclearly at times. But the central characters are good enough to carry at least a few seasons, and the secondary characters really elevate the whole thing. I was personally very fond of Scorpia as well as the way the writers used Entrapta both in the plot and as a character foil.

Chernobyl -- Second time watching this, it’s definitely a favorite. 

Movies

Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again -- You already know what this is like and whether or not you enjoy the sort of thing it is. 

Moulin Rouge -- It’s hard to watch Mamma Mia without thinking of this one, so I watched it soon after.

Minari -- My personal reward for being fully vaccinated was to go to the movies by myself. This was a good movie, though overshadowed by the circumstances in which I saw it. I would’ve been very happy to be seeing anything.

My Fair Lady -- An iconic pop-culture touchstone. Not my favorite musical, for sure.

Interstellar -- This movie is in the odd position of currently being my favorite Christopher Nolan movie despite the fact that I don’t like it nearly as much as I liked either The Dark Knight or Memento when I saw those for the first time.

The Perfect Storm -- George Clooney, big wave.

Legally Blonde -- I didn’t hear the term “sitcom” until oddly late in life, and when I heard it, I assumed it meant movies like this where there aren’t a ton of jokes, but the characters are constantly in inherently funny situations. I don’t like this type of humor that much.

Jurassic Park -- A big “moral” of the movie was “don’t trust computers to do anything important” but today it’s hard not to get the message as “never underpay your system administrator” instead.

Apollo 13 -- Pretty good

ET -- I really didn’t like this movie and I don’t quite know what it doesn’t do that Jurassic Park and Indiana Jones do. Imminent danger seem to be part of it, but I don’t think that’s the whole picture.

The Day After Tomorrow -- *shrug* I had fun watching it

Pearl Harbor -- expected it to be bad, it was bad. It was definitely bad in interesting ways, and was almost good a lot of the time.

Die Hard -- I was looking for suspenseful movies with clear character motivation and this fit the description. It was good, though I didn’t like it quite as much as I hoped to.

Star Trek V -- Star Trek is often silly and I just can’t get on board with some of the silliness, like the last part of this movie.

Terminator 2 -- Yeah, I do like suspense. I don’t think I’ll look back on this as a favorite, but I was pretty into it. Moreso than Die Hard.

Cast Away -- Pretty good

Predator -- Somewhere between Die Hard and Terminator 2. I was a bit bored by the end, which ironically was the part that most closely resembled what I was looking for.

Braveheart -- I think romanticising medieval Europe is fun and cool. Unfortunately this movie has some creepy sexual hang-ups as well as rampant “no step on snek” energy that ruin the whole thing.

Redline -- Just a cool looking movie

State of Play -- I forgot the whole plot of this already, but I enjoyed it

Troy -- It’s not as bad as its reputation suggests, though the end does get really over-the-top cheesy

Demon Slayer -- I liked going to the movies by myself so much the first time that I did it again. This time it was in a much more full theater and I was one of very few people over 17. Fun action anime movie, though.

Gladiator -- I’m so disappointed that I didn’t connect to this movie, since over and over I felt like I was very close to loving it. I think the revenge motivation was what ultimately prevented me from really getting into it.

K-19: The Widowmaker -- Hell yeah, extremely tense submarine scenes, that’s exactly what I wanted.

The Manchurian Candidate (2004) -- The movie felt like it wanted its premise to feel plausible, but it really didn’t. Still pretty good, though

The Big Lebowski -- Still not a big fan of this one. 

The Naked Gun -- This confirms that my sense of humor has not gotten more refined since age 17 or so. I still thought this was pretty funny.

Dances With Wolves -- Mostly just boring. 

Angels and Demons -- Even at age 15 the book’s riddles and clues premise felt a bit too contrived. The movie has the additional disadvantage that verbal explanations are the most boring way to resolve questions, unlike books where words are all you have.

Chinatown -- Meh, a fine detective story but nothing really clicked with me. The director’s life is wild, though. He escaped the holocaust, had his pregnant wife murdered by the Manson family, and is currently a fugitive from justice for raping a 13 year old.

The Core -- Like The Perfect Storm, appealing in the “so bad it’s good” way.

Porco Rosso -- Think the type of character study of Kiki’s Delivery Service, but about a middle-aged man, so it doesn’t resonate with Miyazaki’s audience enough for many people to talk about it.

Uncut Gems -- My second time watching it, it’s definitely a favorite. Between this and A Serious Man, I seem to love extremely stressful movies about mediocre jewish men.

The Manchurian Candidate (1962) -- Interesting to compare/contrast with the other version. I like both

Galaxy Quest -- another movie that fits my personal definition of what “sitcom” should mean. Again, not my favorite type of humor

Fantastic Planet -- Looks like something between the animated sketches in Monty Python and Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Very weird, it personally really worked for me.

Scarface -- I think romanticising organized crime is fun and cool. 

In the Heights -- colorful, catchy, happy and fun. 

Books

The House in the Cerulean Sea -- a good comfort-read. very simplistic and a little clunky and amateur-ish, but ultimately pretty cute.

There There -- not a comfort-read at all. A super raw look at the modern life of a variety of Native American situations. Very harsh but also interesting.

Six of Crows -- Fine YA fantasy fluff.

[wondereads]

Personal Recommendation (3/14/21)

Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo

Why am I recommending this book?

I’ve already read Bardugo’s Six of Crows series, but I wanted to read Shadow and Bone before the tv series came out. I’d heard it wasn’t very good, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Want something short and sweet? Check out my tiktok

Plot 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Set in a eastern European-influenced kingdom known as Ravka, Alina Starkov, a mapmaker, awakens a legendary power within herself. After a failed attempt at crossing the Shadow Fold, a rift of shadow and monsters that cuts Ravka in two, it is revealed that Alina has the power to summon light. She is then taken by the Darkling, the mysterious commander of the Grisha, magic-using soldiers, in an attempt to train her to use her power to destroy the Shadow Fold once and for all. Unfortunately, spies from Shu Han and assassins from Fjerda aren’t the only things that stand in the way.

This is a good, classic YA book. An unwilling savior of the world must step up despite her insecurities. It really isn’t anything original. However, despite the cookie cutter plot, it’s executed very well. The pacing is good, and the characters really help to flesh it all out. All in all, there isn’t much to say about the plot. Most of what I noticed had to do with the characters.

(Spoiler) The best thing about the plot was that at the end Alina and Mal didn’t decide to take a stand and fight for what’s right. They’re teenagers, so they made the decision scared teenagers would make. They ran. And I loved it. (End Spoiler)

Characters 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Despite the tropey writing, Alina stood out to me. Most YA main characters in these sorts of books are sort of bland in an effort to appeal to a wide audience, but I didn’t get that from Alina. I wouldn’t say she had a clearly defined personality, but I think that’s because she hasn’t decided who she is yet. Is she an unassuming mapmaker? Is she an insecure new Grisha? Or is she the powerful, confident Sun Summoner? She cares for those close to her, and she works hard at everything she does, but I don’t think Alina has become her own person yet. Most of her decisions throughout the book are influenced by other people like Mal, Genya, and the Darkling. She bases her choices on what will help them or save them or defeat them, not what she wants or strives for. There’s a flash of it at the end there, when she decides she wants Mal and her alive and free despite what it could mean for everyone else. I can’t wait to see her develop in the later books.

The Darkling. There’s a lot to unpack there. I, as an avid YA reader, was always wary of the brooding, handsome, older, and much more powerful character. I know his and Alina’s relationship is very popular, but I have to admit that every time they had a romantic interaction I felt sick. The Darkling is a good character because I’m horribly curious about him and his past. However, I can’t bring myself to genuinely like him. To put it simply, his interactions with the other characters and the way his actions drive the plot forward, it’s all very compelling, but I would never read a Darkling-focused book.

I can’t say much about Mal at this point in time because he’s only there for about a quarter of the book. I think he’s very sweet, and I love his devotion to Alina, but I don’t really know much about him as a person. However, I do have my suspicions about his unnaturally good tracking...

Finally, Genya is the best character in terms of writing. She’s interesting, and I have no problems sympathizing with her. Her treatment at the Little Palace actually infuriated me, her power and status are unusual and intriguing, and totally get why she took the side she did. I only hope that in the later books she’ll change her mind. I get the feeling she will, based on her explanation to Alina, so I look forward to how that will come about.

Writing Style 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

There aren’t a whole lot of distinct qualities in the writing style. In comparison to Six of Crows, I would say it feels a bit more inexperienced, which makes sense. I do wish that there had been some POV changes at certain points, but that may just be because I love reading from multiple perspectives. I did really like the beginning and ending chapters where it’s told from third person with no names used. I haven’t quite figured out if it means something or if it’s just a stylistic choice.

Overall 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Shadow and Bone is a wonderfully average YA book. The plot is absolutely predictable, but the characters are well-written and very interesting. Alina, despite seeming like the usual blank slate YA protagonist, has a unique sort of character development, and I found her much more compelling than I expected. I am happily reading the next book now; it caught my attention enough for me to continue. Keep in mind, you must read all three books for this one as there are no pretty wrap-ups at the end of the books. I would recommend this book to people who like fantasy, chosen one stories, and mildly technologically advanced settings.

The Author

Leigh Bardugo: 45, American, also wrote Six of Crows, King of Scars, and Ninth House

The Reviewer

My name is Wonderose; I try to post a review every two weeks, and I take recommendations. Check out my about me post for more!

#books #recommendations #reviews #shadow and bone #leigh bardugo #grishaverse #ya #fantasy

[aha-my-villainous-thoughts]

Please, keep me. (Good Omens)

Part 4! This whole practice of writing every day is a lot of fun. I hope I feel the same as the month trickles on.

I will do the links for Part 1, 2 and 3 when I’m at my desktop. I still need a title too!! (found one)

Part 4

The incident of seeking out the little angel should have been a one off affair. 

It wasn’t. 

It became a frequent exercise in emotional torture for Crowley. Now, when he lurked upstairs looking for the angel, he would have to gamble on the appearance of the Keeper at all. Sometimes he would come out at the right time, following members of his duty. Sometimes he might only be a few minutes late. Sometimes he didn’t come at all. Crowley would wait and grind his teeth in anxiety hoping to catch sight of him before he was called away to his own work. The worry that he would miss the milk-coloured curls and furtive glances made him feel a kind of weariness that settled deep into his bones and drained all the enjoyment out of his day. When he did see the little angel his entire being seemed lifted up by it. There was a small part of him that knew it was foolish to hang so much longing onto another being like this, especially in this manner, but he was too far gone on the Keeper and his soft little ‘Oh!’ to be able to turn back now. Come what may, everything that was his was inextricably tied to what was the Keeper’s. 

And he didn’t even know his name. 

After several cycles of missing sight of the angel in the refectorary, a resolution slowly started to form in his mind. At first it seemed ridiculous, but over time as the angel’s appearances to the hall became more and more unreliable, the idea became less ridiculous. 

He could do what he had done that day in the library. Go into those winding hallways and watch the angel from afar. More and more days saw the angel linger behind in the library, clearly to indulge in reading every book he was charged to care for, and Crowley saw no alternative than to move his spying spot to among the quiet shelves. 

The trouble was there was really nowhere to hide. The corridors and hallways were filled to every inch with shelves and books, they curved and branched out in every branch. Including all the way up, high enough that Crowley couldn’t quite see the ceiling in the dim suspended lights of the library. Even if there were a space for him to skulk up in the darkness he was keenly aware that that was altogether far too ridiculous an option to consider. 

Ruling out the literal stalking, what if he was spotted? How would he begin to explain it? The little Keeper wasn’t the only angel in the library and if Crowley intended to follow through his mad plan the way he did, he would be risking running into them as well. 

No, an alternative was crucial. 

He was skulking in his usual spot, arms crossed on the ledge and a stormy expression on his face. The Keeper had not appeared for the fourth day in a row and Crowley was getting impatient. He turned away from the hall, silently grumbling at the entire hall of angels below for not being the correct angel. Instead he stared at the mural of animals, letting his eyes shift sightlessly over the complicated interwoven paintings of plants, tree, flowers and creatures. His thoughts ruminated sluggishly, never straying far from the dull ache in his chest. 

To see without being seen. To watch without causing alarm. To exist in the same space and yet be not as he was. 

He flickered his gaze between the array of beasts staring back out at him. Large and small they filled the shape, horns and tails and hooves. His eyes refocused as he settled down near the paws of the large golden beast with the mane, seeing a tiny little animal with cupped front paws, large eyes and a little tail. He strained to read the words etched in gold next to it. 

Mouse. 

An appealing little creation, it looked quick and intelligent. Crowley considered it, eyes narrowing as an idea slowly surfaced. It was possible for angels to manipulate their shape. This vessel wasn’t one made of skin and bone as the animals were. An angel’s true form was already condensed into this form, the wings committed to a different plane to accommodate the requirements of the Paradise She had made for them. Crowley couldn’t remember the last time he had released the boundaries of his current skin to be in his natural form, it was a lot simpler to be in a form that was so tactile and grounded to his environment. In theory he should be able to alter his vessel again, to condense himself down further into a form that could hide in plain sight, sneak through the bookcases and watch his angel without discovery. 

He could become an animal. 

His eyes lingered on the mouse for some time, considering the brown fur, the twitching whiskers. It wasn’t out of the question but something didn’t ring true for him considering the small thing. He stood and began to walk the edges of the upper mezzanine slowly, considering each animal in turn. Some were immediately dismissed - too large or too bulky or unsuited for the narrow spaces. Others were too colourful or had unnecessary additions - what use would a pair of antlers be in a library? 

He considered a creature called a cat for some time. It was agile and slim, with clever eyes and short fur. It would be an excellent form to climb and jump in, its paws perfect for soundless sneaking. Perhaps a touch too big still. 

He eyed a winged animal called a fruitbat for some time before dismissing it. The ability to fly might be novel, but he doubted it would prove that useful when clambering across the tops of books. Plus, this animal seems to spend it’s life upside down and he wished to watch his angel the right way up. 

This pattern repeated for some time before he came to a stop in front of an animal he would not have believed could exist if it weren’t for Her endless imagination. An animal with no legs at all, a long twisting body and tail. Its head was streamlined to join with the body in one fluid shape. It appeared to have an unusual tongue, and eyes that reminded him of the cat from earlier. This animal was an unnecessary colour - a rather bright green, but that seemed to suit its surroundings. He was sure he could change that, maybe go for something that blended with the shadows a bit better. 

Yes, it would do nicely. With some imagination and a little Effort, Crowley would become a snake. 

Resolution is one thing, but action proved to be another. After Crowley had finished with his day of duties he retired to his room immediately. To change his form would mostly take time and concentration, and he knew he couldn’t be disturbed once he started. 

Shedding his robes and loosening his red hair, he sat in the centre of his bed and closed his eyes. He drew his form into his focus, taking time to identify every part of this current form and its placement. He would need to be able to return to it easily, if he was going to be able to switch between them at will. He took care to memorise the ridges and lines that created his face, the line of his jaw and slope of his shoulders. The speckles of paint that had stained his skin over many years against pale skin. The narrow passage of his hips and the calluses on his fingers. Feeling further outside of his skin he was able to feel the joint that held his wings in the incorporeal plane. The knot of bone and cartilage that passed from intangibility into his shoulder blades would be of particular concern when changing, as it was held in the odd position of both existing and not existing at the same time. 

Tracing the shape of what he wished to become into the air in front of him, small fragments of light trailed from his fingertips to sketch out the shape and length of the snake. At first he recreated the one he had seen in the mural, but it became obvious that this snake would be too small for him to condense his essence into without discomfort. He would have to make alterations to the form, whilst still retaining the subtlety of the shape. He still needed to be slim enough to creep. One option was to extend the length of the snake, while thickening the middle to give the body the correct level of strength and muscle required to move himself. 

It occurred to him that there was a lot more engineering to create a physical form than he had initially expected, and that he should be even more in awe of Her divine imagination than he already was. 

It seemed like many hours passed as Crowley twisted and contorted himself, trying to find the correct ratio to pour himself into the framework. 

But finally, somehow, he had done it. He opened his eyes, the golden eyes of a large snake, and began to feel through this new form. Not having arms or legs was certainly an uncomfortable sensation, as he had to lift and move his head with his torso and neck, but his form moved smoothly. He looked at himself, pleased with the recreation of soft glittering scales that moved and writhed as he did. He had thought to adopt the blue of his robes, but instead he had darkened the tone until he had found a pleasing shade of smoky black that would wind into shades seamlessly. Despite himself he had been unable to resist painting the underside of this form with the fiery red of his hair. Maybe it was pride, a form of vanity in something he knew set him apart from his peers. Maybe, should he be discovered, he wanted to worth looking at. 

If he couldn’t be himself, he would be the most beautiful snake. 

Crowley manipulated his muscular body across the room, experimenting with his new form. It was surprisingly pleasurable to slide through the sheets in such a way, surfaces feeling almost luxuriously soft against his scales. He twisted himself up into a coil, resting his head on his tail. He lifted himself up leading with his head, flicking his new forked tongue out in concentration. He found he could extend a very long way just by using the muscles along this body. 

A very clever design. He had picked well. 

He hissed to himself in pleasure. He would be the very best snake. He would creep into the library and he would be able to watch his charge in peace, observing from the shadows and following along sneakily as the Keeper went about his duties. Oh yes, he would be a very good sneak. 

“I am sssnake,” he announced to the room. 

#good omens #good omens fanfiction #good omens drabble #good omens fanfic #ineffable lovers #ineffable partners #ineffable husbands #otp #fanfic #drabble #world building #library au #angels #trueform #crowley #aziraphale #crowley x aziraphale #crowley loves Aziraphale #clueless angel #pining #please keep me #please keep me part 4

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

The Art Of Trying To ‘Pass’ As Female (My MtF~HRT Research)

Just as Krista described her need to change her face in order ‘just to leave the house,’ most of the 28 patients with whom I conducted interviews and observations, and the many others with whom I shared casual conversations, explained their desire for facial transformation in order to carry out everyday activities. As much as patients might want to be beautiful women after surgery, their primary desire was to walk through the world being recognized as women—which, in a sense, meant not being recognized at all. But just as physician discourse often conflated or collapsed the biological category of the female with the aesthetic category of the beautiful when describing the aims of feminization, so too did patients draw on both of these notions when communicating what their goal of being a woman actually means.

Woman is difficult to define as a surgical category precisely because it is difficult to define as a social one. Not surprisingly, patients had different ideas (and ideals) in mind when they imagined the kinds of transformations that would allow them to be the kind of women they wanted to be. When I asked Rosa if she had a particular idea of what she hoped to look like after surgery, she immediately said, “Yes,” and reached into her bag. She pulled out a stack of papers wrapped in plastic sleeves and held together by a binder ring. She shuffled through the stack, unfastened the ring, and put a page on the desk in front of me. There were three photographs that had been clipped from magazines and pasted to a sheet of white paper. As she began to talk I was not sure which one I was supposed to be looking at. “I want to look like a woman,” she began. “I want a face that a man falls in love with. Like an angel. Innocent. You are a man. You understand. Look at her [pointing to an image on the page.] What do you feel? Body is nice, but look at her face. In that picture you can’t see her breasts, but you can see her face. She’s beautiful. You feel inside something like love. I want a face that a man sees and it makes him turn red.” Rosa was not sure what her particular features would be when all was said and done. She did not expect Howard to replicate the model’s face onto hers. She did, however, expect that her face would be one that would do something for others and, in turn, do something for her. Rosa described the changes she was after in terms of how particular aspects of her face evoked gendered attributes.

When our conversation turned from the effect she desired to the precise means of achieving that effect, she gave an inventory of her face and the multiple ways that it works against her. The bone above my eyes gives me an aggressive look. I have dark, shadowed eyes. If you see that actress Hillary Swank, she has this. Something doesn’t match on her face. Nose, obviously. My nose is male. Upper lip. I can’t wear red lipstick. If I wear read lipstick it makes me look like a man in a dress. When I watch videos of myself, my expressions never look happy. I look angry.

Rosa was confident that following surgery she would ‘feel more sure of [her]self.’ It was this confidence that made women beautiful. Just something about them that had such power and sex appeal. Women, in her telling, were not aggressive or angry; their faces are built to be adorned. Though she knew that Howard could not necessarily make her beautiful, she was confident that he could make her a woman. For her, that was enough.

Gretchen had much more modest desires. Her hopes for surgery were less about eliciting a particular response, than avoiding a reaction altogether. Just…I hope that I won’t have this kind of jerk that was sitting just to my left on the plane this morning who was seemingly horrified by seeing this (gestures to her face and body). He was probably having the idea that I was fantasizing about him or something. I just hope that next time, he won’t think about it twice. ‘Yes, I’m sitting beside a girl. So what and that’s all.’ End of story.

Pamela expressed her desires this way: I'm doing it (having FFS) so I will feel that I "pass" (making air quotes). Whatever that is. And of course the operative word there is ‘feel.’ I'm tired of thinking, is that person reading me? No? Well how 'bout that person? I want to think about something else as I walk down the sidewalk.... Like, say, what a nice dress in the window. Maybe that's it. Going unnoticed is a thing that most people take for granted.

Erving Goffman (1963) called those who do not draw unwelcome attention from their bodily appearance ‘normal’s.’ Normal’s, Goffman argues, simply cannot understand how it feels to be the object of derisive looks and hostile attention from complete strangers. To be a member of a stigmatized group is to be the object of distain. When some aspect of your physical body is the source of that stigma, there are, according to Goffman, two possible responses. You can come to terms with the fact of your stigma and attempt to ‘normificate’ it by acting normal, as though the stigma did not exist. Or, you can normalize it by making a conscious effort to correct it. Though ‘norming’ surgeries are sometimes the objects of ethical debate, the validity of the desired outcome is hard to dispute.

In an article entitled, ‘Self-Help for the Facially Disfigured,’ Elisabeth Bednar put the matter simply. Whether we are shopping, riding the subway, or eating in a restaurant, all of which are casual day-to-day social encounters, there is the initial stare, then the look away, before a second, furtive glance inevitably puts the beheld immediately in a separate class. For those who experience this discrimination, the question of the moral justification of surgery to increase societal acceptance...

She pointed out photographs in Howard’s book in which surgery did not necessarily improve a patient’s attractiveness, but it did change her sex. When referring to before and after photographs she said, “See this is an ugly boy and this is an ugly girl, but it is a girl. Other doctors can’t do this.” 

There can be no greater wish than to melt into the crowd or to walk into a room unnoticed (Bednar 1996:53). The patients and surgeons with whom I worked, referred to the fact (or fantasy) of going unnoticed as ‘passing.’ The language of passing is contentious for some transpeople because it can be read as implying a sort of deception; being taken as a member of a group to which one does not really (where really refers both to an ontological truth and to the rightful membership based on it) belong. This deception is also often marked by a supposed opportunism; passing is really only considered as such when a person passes from an undesirable group and into a desired one (Gilman 1999). It therefore frequently carries a connotation of a strategy to access particular forms of privilege. Many transpeople object to the language of ‘passing’ because, they argue, to say that one passes as a woman is to acknowledge that woman is not a category to which she rightfully belongs.

As Julia Serano insists, “I don’t pass as a woman. I am a woman. I pass as a cis-gendered woman” (by which she means a woman who has never changed her gender). These sorts of concerns about what it means both politically and ontologically to pass, were only voiced by two of the patients with whom I spoke. Despite their reservations, they, like all other patients I met, held the desire to pass as an incredibly important and explicitly stated aim. As historian of medicine Sander Gilman explains, ‘The happiness of the patient is the fantasy of a world and a life in the patient’s control rather than in the control of the observer on the street. And that is not wrong. This promise of autonomy, of being able to make choices and act upon them, does provide the ability to control the world. It can (and does) make people happy’ (1999:331-2).

Like language, social roles do not exist in isolation (Wittgenstein 1953:§243); they are by definition shared properties conveyed between people in given social group. A person’s individual conviction that she is a woman is not enough to maker her a woman in any social sense. To be a woman requires not simply the conviction that one is a woman, but the recognition of that status by others.

FFS is a surgical recognition that how one feels about and lives their sexed and gendered embodiment is not a private, psychic reality, but is the product of social life, of living with others. Passing is not a subjective act; it is a social one. Nearly all clinical literature as well as most popular literature on transsexualism suggests that transsexualism is a property (and problem) of an atomized and bounded individual. This focus on the individual and psychic nature of the bodily dissatisfaction that characterizes transsexualism is named explicitly as well as through the invocation of metaphors of isolation, internality and invisibility. While an individual body may be the site of the material intervention, the change enacted in FFS takes place irreducibly between persons. The efficacy of FFS is located not in the material result of surgery itself, but in the effect that the surgical result will produce in the perceptions of imagined.

Other writers argue that the goal of ‘passing’ not only obscures but effectively forecloses any possibility of a trans- specific radical political subjectivity (Bornstein 1994, Green 1999, Stone 1991). These writers insist that living as out trans-people is the only way to call attention to the oppressive gender system that devalues and delegitimizes trans-lives and bodies, among others. This kind of visibility can come at the great cost of personal and emotional safety, leading to a conflicting desire to be a part of the solution while maintaining ones safety and sanity (Green 1999). Perhaps nowhere is this made clearer than in the imaginary scene through which Howard explains the goal of his surgical work:

If, on a Saturday morning, someone knocks at the door and you wake up and get out of bed with messy hair, no makeup, no jewelry, and answer the door, the first words you’ll hear from the person standing there are, “Excuse me, ma’am….”

This incredibly powerful scene was a staple of Howard’s conference presentations, and was repeated in slightly altered and personalized forms by many of the patients who had selected Howard as their surgeon. Through this turning outward—and the making of femaleness at the site of the exchange with a stranger—FFS reconfigures the project of surgical sex reassignment from one rooted in the private subjectivity of the genitals, to one located in the public sociality of the face. Time after time, patients told me that their primary desire was to go through their daily lives and be left alone, without thinking about what others may see when they look at them.

Krista rode the city bus on the day before our interview. On that day, for the first time in recent memory, she did not prepare extensively before leaving the house. “I didn’t have to worry about having my bangs just right, or having just the right pair of glasses on. I just got on the bus and thought, ‘Wow, this is cool.’” Although her face was covered in bandages, sutures, and bruises, and people on that bus were undoubtedly looking at her, Krista found joy in the certainty that whatever they might have seen when they looked at her, the did not see a transwoman. The stuff of her maleness was gone. It was a novel—but so, so welcome—experience. It is important to remember that the stakes for passing are often quite high, often quite serious. The desire to pass does not only exist for the gratification of personal goals, but also achieves a mode of physical and emotional safety. It is crucial to remember that trans-people are disproportionately incarcerated, unemployed, and lost to suicide and other violence. I make this point not to hold counter discourses hostage to its message— as in an accusatory stance from which any divergence is a de facto support of transphobia or worse—but to tell the complete story of the context in which these procedures become objects of desire, and accomplish practical goals sometimes on the measure of life and death.

THE FULL FACE

Facial Feminization Surgery includes interventions in both the bone and soft tissues of the face. In general, the procedures involved in FFS are aimed at taking away or reducing particular features of the bones and soft tissue of the face. This focus on reduction and removal is based on a fundamental assertion that males are, on the whole, larger and more robust than females.

This assertion applies both to the bony skeleton and to soft tissues such as skin and cartilage. Whereas the modification of the facial bones are guided, at least in Howard’s case, by numerical norms, most soft tissue procedures are not. (The exceptions are the height of the upper lip and of the forehead; these assessments are guided by numbers and measurement). Instead, soft tissue procedures are often oriented toward and aesthetic ideal of feminine attractiveness.

Below are brief descriptions of the surgical procedures organized under the sign of Facial Feminization. Not every patient undergoes all of the procedures described here, though some certainly do. In Dr. Howard’s parlance, a patient whose surgery includes all of these procedures gets, ‘The Full Face.’

While one of the fundamental goals of this dissertation is to trouble the claims to absolute difference that often animate FFS, in the following descriptions I make use of the dichotomous distinctions that doctors use when characterizing the masculine features of patients’ skulls.

Bone Procedures

Brow Bossing and Frontal Sinus:

The prominence of the brow is one of the most distinctive and recognizable aspects of a masculine face. Some reduction of the brow can be accomplished through burring down the bossing (the thickness of the bones) just above the eyes. In other cases the anterior wall of the frontal sinus (the empty space just above and between the eyes) is removed (“unroofed”) and set back. The reduction of the frontal sinus is considered the most aggressive of all procedures involved in Facial Feminization Surgery (see Figure 1.7).

Rhinoplasty (internal reshaping of the nasal bones):

Rhinoplasty involves the fracturing of the nasal bones as well as the removal of cartilage. More radical bone fracturing and removal is required when frontal sinus reconstruction is performed. When the forehead is ‘set back’ through this procedure, the bones at the nasion (the depressed area between the eyes just superior to the bridge of the nose) must be reduced in order to create the desired relationship between forehead and nose.

Malar (cheek) Implants:

In order to produce the desirable oval shape of the female face, implants may be placed over the malar bones to enhance the fullness of the cheeks.

Genioplasty (chin shortening):

Based on the claim that female chins are shorter than male chins (as measured from the top of the bottom teeth to the most inferior point of the chin), a wedge of bone can be removed from the chin, and slid forward. Moving the bottom section forward also results in creating a more pointed chin.

Reshaping mental protuberance (chin):

A pointed chin is recognized as feminine, whereas a square chin is masculine. In combination with the advancement of the inferior portion of the chin, contouring is also done to enhance this characteristic.

Reduction Mandibuloplasty (jaw bone):

Alterations of the mandible focus on the undesirable squareness of the masculine jaw. This squareness is attributed to two aspects of the mandible: mandibular angle and mandibular flare. The mandibular angle describes the angular value of the posterior and inferior portion of the jaw. The more acute the angle, the more masculine the jaw. This is best seen from profile. Mandibular flare describes the extent to which the squareness of the jaw extends toward the lateral sides of the face. This squareness is best seen when looking at a person from the front. In both cases, bone can be removed in order to reduce the appearance of masculine squareness.

Soft Tissue Procedures

Scalp advancement:

By severing the tissue that connects the scalp to the scull, the scalp may be brought forward toward the face to help a patient compensate for a receding hairline. Excess tissue at the top of the forehead is excised. Scalp advancement as well as hairline reshaping and eyebrow raising all occur through the coronal incision (from ear to ear just behind the hairline) required to alter the bony contours of the forehead.

Hairline Reshaping:

In addition to bringing the hair-bearing scalp forward, the hairline itself can be reshaped. In this procedure, the M shaped male hairline is rounded out to reduce (if not eliminate) temporal baldness caused by a byproduct of testosterone.

Eyebrow Raising/Crow’s Feet Reduction/Forehead lift:

As noted above these procedures are performed at the site of the coronal incision after the bone work on the forehead has been completed. When tissue is excised during scalp advancement, the position of eyebrows is raised up higher on the forehead. This is described as a feminine characteristic. The appearance of the eyebrows is also changed as a result of the changes to the bones of the brow and forehead beneath them. The pulling of the skin of the forehead generally produces the addition (and typically considered beneficial) result of eliminating the wrinkles around the eyes often called crow’s feet. During this procedure, surgeons have access to the internal muscles of the forehead and may choose to perform a perforation of those muscles; this procedure is typically referred to as a forehead lift.

Rhinoplasty (reshaping of the cartilage and tip of the nose):

The tip of the nose is given its shape by internal cartilage. After the bone modifications have been made, the cartilage can be reshaped in order to achieve a ‘more feminine’ nose.

Upper lip shortening:

According to the surgeons with whom I worked, males have a longer upper lip (distance between the bottom of the nose and the vermillion part of the upper lip) than do females. This distinction can most easily be seen by observing how much of the upper teeth are visible when a person’s mouth is slightly open. This measurement is referred to as ‘tooth show.’ The length of the upper lip can be reduced by excising the desired amount of tissue just beneath the nose, raising the upper lip toward the nose, and applying sutures in the crease just at the base of the nose. This also results in increasing the amount of vermillion visible in the upper lip.

Lip Augmentation:

Lips can be augmented through a variety of procedures including the injection of pharmaceutical products (such as Botox and Restylane) or fat taken from other sites in the patient’s body. More permanent augmentation can be achieved by placing some of the tissue excised during the scalp advancement into the tissue on the underside of the upper lip.

Reduction of the thyroid cartilage (“Adam’s Apple”):

The Adam’s Apple—or more properly, the thyroid cartilage—is considered to be one of the clearest indicators of maleness. Thyroid cartilage removal is often referred to as a Tracheal Shave (or just trach shave) despite the fact that it is neither the trachea being altered, nor a shaving motion used to reduce it. While a relatively simple procedure, the thyroid cartilage reduction carries significant risks. An inexperienced surgeon may remove more tissue than necessary, and inadvertently alter the site where the vocal chords insert. This can result in a radical modification of vocal pitch.

CLINICAL EVAL

Clinic One -- Dr. Howard

Upon entering his office from the hospital corridor, one enters a warm but unremarkable waiting room: carpet and walls in shades of neutral brown, upholstered armchairs separated by low coffee tables offering a selection of news and fashion magazines.

In addition to personal and administrative offices, the practice has three small examination rooms, each equipped with a large examination chair (somewhat like a dentist’s chair, it defaults to an upright but gently reclining position), a rolling stool (on which Howard sits during most of the exam), a small side chair (where I sat while observing exams), and a counter at the back of the room that contains a hand-washing sink and a light box for illuminating x-rays.

There are few decorations in the exam room dedicated to initial consultations and pre-operative appointments. To the right of the patient seated in the exam chair, a silver and bronze toned image of a naked and reclining woman hangs on the wall. Her long hair flows down her back and shoulders but leaves the side of her breast exposed. On the wall facing the patient—and so behind Howard as he conducts the exam—is a magazine rack that holds several fashion magazines.

When I entered the room, Tracy was seated in the reclining exam chair, hands folded in her lap and looking nervous. Howard urged her to keep her seat as I introduced myself and shook her hand. With Tracy, as with all other patients whose consultations I observed, Howard began the appointment with a few minutes of friendly conversation. He inquired about the Canadian city in which she lives. As a person who has done a considerable amount of traveling throughout the world, Howard often has a personal story to tell about the patient’s hometown.

Though he tends to speak rapidly as a norm, these exchanges do not seem to me to be perfunctory or rushed; people’s stories sincerely fascinate him. After having seen this routine enacted a number of times, it is clear that Howard uses these first moments to establish a friendly rapport with new patients who are frequently very nervous—and in some cases could be best described as star struck. While this moment may be the culmination of many months or years of a patient’s personal and financial work, for Howard, this is another day in the office.

After the brief exchange of pleasantries, Howard moved into questions about Tracy’s medical history: height, weight, medications, prior surgeries, and so on.

When Tracy stated that she was actively losing weight and would like to get down to 180 pounds, Howard made his first recommendation of the appointment. “I’d like to see you down to 160,” he said. “The best results I see—not surgically but in terms of overall femininity—are in patients who get down to a female weight for their height. When you get down to 180, just keep on going.” While completely unrelated to the craniofacial surgical consultation underway, Howard’s recommendation on “overall femininity” signaled his understanding of FFS as both part of a larger goal of corporal feminization, but also as just one part of achieving that goal. In addition to signaling a holistic understanding of the project that brought Tracy to his office, this shift from conversation to recommendation marked the beginning of the exam; he is the expert with information to give.

Howard did not ask why Tracy was in the office to see him. He did not ask what her goal was for surgery. He assumed in Tracy’s case and in all other consultations I observed, that a person whose paperwork indicates that she has come to the office for an FFS consultation is doing so because she wants to have her face reconstructed to take on female proportions. I have not heard this assumption corrected. It is with this assumption that directly following the medical history, he began making measurements on Tracy’s face.

Clinic Two -- Dr. Page

Page’s office, located in an office park in an affluent suburb of a major West Coast city, shares a building with accountants, attorneys, and dental offices. The Ambulatory Surgical Clinic where he performs most of his operations is attached to his office, though it has a separate entrance at the back of the building. In the waiting room, leather armchairs and a long couch are arranged around a low coffee table covered in fashion magazines. The walls are covered in an ivory-toned wallpaper that in combination with the light coming in through a large window makes the space bright, though somewhat impersonal.

The dominant feature of Page’s waiting room is a mirrorbacked, top-lit curio cabinet featuring branded cosmetic products such as Juviderm and Botox, the presence of which makes it impossible to forget that this is not a neutral space; there is something for sale here. The reception desk is located in the front waiting room and is staffed by a few different young women.

On two occasions the stillness of their faces and the shape of their lips have made me quite aware that they have ‘had some work done.’

The two exam rooms in Page’s office are considerably larger and more brightly lit than those in Howard’s office. Here too, the reclining exam chair is the largest and most central object in the room. A small chair (where I sat during observations) is positioned just to the right of the exam chair, and a full-length mirror hangs on the wall next to it. A counter with a small sink occupied the left wall of the room. A model of a human skull sat on the counter, looking directly at the exam chair. When Page invited me in to observe the consultation, Leanne was seated in that chair.

Leanne was one of the few patients I encountered during my fieldwork who arrived for an FFS consult in what was referred to in both offices as ‘man mode’ or ‘male mode.’ She had taken the opportunity to visit Page’s office while traveling through town on business and looked every bit the businessman: short-cropped sandy blond hair graying at the temples, a crisply pressed pale blue shirt, navy blue necktie, grey trousers and black oxford shoes.

Page habitually opens the conversation by asking patients how they heard about him and his practice. This sets the tone that the patient is a consumer who has shopped around, and it helps to identify him as a businessman who is eager to grow his practice. After a bit of small talk about Leanne’s hometown and learning that this was her first visit to the region, Page began the exam not by taking a medical history, but by prompting a personal conversation.

“Tell me about yourself, about your transition.” An examination is frequently understood to consist of two parts: the history taking and the physical examination (Young 1997:23). It is immediately clear that though Howard and Page each ‘take a history’ from their patients before beginning the physical exam, what constitutes relevant history is different for each of them. Howard asks his patients about what are traditionally understood to be medical issues: their height, weight, current medications, previous surgeries, and overall physical health. This information helps him to assess whether the patient is physically well enough to be a candidate for surgery. It also signals that his primary interest is in the physical properties of the patient’s body, an interest that is born out in no uncertain terms in the examination that follows.

Page, on the other hand, does not ask such questions of his patients during their initial appointments. Instead, he elicits a ‘history’ of the patient’s feelings about herself and her transition, more generally. Because the appointment begins with the disclosure of personal—and often quite emotional—information, the examination that follows is framed as one directed toward the realization of personal and emotional goals more than physical ones. As the consultations progress, the distinctions between Howard and Page’s approaches become clear. Howard’s meeting with Tracy appears in the left-hand column below. Page’s meeting with Leanne appears on the right.

Clinic One -- Dr. Howard

Howard: “Now I’m going to take some measurements and we’ll look at your x-rays.” Howard washed his hands and came back to sit down in front of Tracy. She was sitting in the exam chair and he rolled up to her on a small, wheeled stool. He took a small white flexible plastic ruler from his coat pocket and measured the distance from the cornea of her eye to the most forward prominence of her forehead. “Your brows are down a little bit.” He felt the brows and temples on both sides of her face using both hands. He pressed the sides of his thumbs up under the bones at the top of her eye sockets in order to get a sense of the shape of the bone. “Look at the top of that light switch.” Howard directed Tracy’s attention to the switch on the wall directly in front of her. Looking at this object helped to make her head level. “Open your mouth just slightly.” Howard measured the distance from the bottom of Tracy’s nose to the inferior ends of her front teeth. “Bite down on your back teeth.” Howard bit exaggeratedly on his back teeth to show her what he meant. Looking away, he felt the muscles on either side of her jaw with his hands. He turned to me and explained to the patient that we had been talking earlier about how he decides whether or not to remove some masseter muscle when he does jaw tapering.

Talking to me: “She has a fairly prominent jaw, but the muscle is not that large. I won’t even consider removing any muscle on her.” Howard runs the pad of his thumb up and down the center of Tracy’s throat. “Have you got one of these things?” Settles on the patient’s Adam’s Apple.

Howard: “If you have this done by someone else don’t let them put a scar at the middle of your throat.” Tracy lives in a country that has a national health service and Howard makes explicit reference to this since he knows that by using that service Tracy could save a considerable amount of money on this procedure.

Howard: As he describes the potentially problematic placement of some other surgeon’s scar, he draws a line across her thyroid cartilage with his index finger to mark the cut. “If I do it I’ll put the scar up here…” He draws his index finger just under the point of her chin to indicate where he would place the scar. …so no one can see it. “Plus if you put the scar here [in the middle of the throat] it can stick to the cartilage and then it moves every time you swallow. It looks like the dickens. Let’s look at your x-rays.” Howard walks to the light box behind the exam chair and invites Tracy to join him. They stand shoulder to shoulder in front of the light box looking at the cephalograms that Tracy brought with her to the exam. “First I look to see that you’re brushing your teeth, and it looks like you are (laughs). When I was measuring here before…” Uses his finger to show the measurement he took from the forehead to the cornea. “…I was looking at the maximum prominence of your forehead to the cornea of your eye. In you it was 15mm, which is average for a male of your height. As far as I know, this measurement is not taken anywhere else in the world. It is not a standard measurement. Once I am in there and I begin to contour the forehead, I can’t tell where I am. This measurement helps me locate myself in space.” By this he means that because the cornea does not move as a result of any bone reconstruction in FFS, he can use it as a constant reference. He took a handheld mirror from a small drawer and handed it to her. She sat, holding the mirror, looking at her face as he spoke.

Tracy is being educated about what Howard will do and why it is the best approach.

Tracy: “How far can you go back?”

Howard: “The most I’ve gone back is 9mm.”

Tracy: “Let me rephrase. How far can you go back safely?”

Howard: “I could go all the way back here.” Pointing to the posterior wall of the frontal sinus on the cephalogram.

Tracy: “What happens to the sinuses?”

Howard: “They go away. As far as we know.” He indicates with his fingers where the sinuses are located on the cephalogram. “…is to reduce the weight of the skull. Now, the jaw.” Howard looks at Tracy’s jaw, and then down to the x-ray. “Do you grind your teeth?”

Tracy: “I know I used to.”

Howard: “You’ve got some wide angles here. Feel your jaw.” He places Tracy’s hand on her jaw. “Feel how it flares out? We can get rid of the bowing that males have in the mandible that females don’t have.”

Tracy: “How do you do that?”

Howard: “We use a bur instrument on the sides here…” Indicating anterior portion of the lateral mandible on his own face. “…and then we have an oscillating saw that we use to take out the larger parts of the bone here...” Indicating posterior section on his own face.

Tracy: “You actually take out parts of the bone?”

Howard: “Yeah.”

Tracy: “Okay.”

Howard: “Can I borrow a finger?” Howard reaches down and grabs the index finger of Tracy’s left hand. He places it on the side of his face in the medial section of his mandible. “Feel my teeth?” He presses her finger into his cheek and moves it back and forth so she can feel the texture of the bone below his bottom teeth. “Feel that ridge? That is what we take away. For some people, a thin layer of blood that forms on the bone becomes bone. I am one of those people. I was hit in the head with a golf ball when I was 13 and I got this big bump.” He feels the bump on the top of his head. “I’ve still got the bump because the blood that formed there turned into bone. If you look at an x-ray you can see it plain as day. If you are a person like that—and I don’t know how to know that in advance—it is possible that some of that ridge may come back. But it won’t all come back. The chin. I measured from the top of your bottom tooth to the end of the bone and that is 50mm. That is average for a male of your height. I want to take out 8 mm of chin height. I can’t do that by shaving it off the bottom, because then the muscles and tissues that attach to the bottom of your chin have nothing to attach to and they just sag down. Instead, I take out a wedge of bone that is 8mm thick, and stabilize the bone with titanium plates and screws.” Howard explains that medical grade titanium comes from recycled Russian atomic submarines. He makes a joke that the addition of this Russian material may make Tracy fond of vodka after surgery.

Tracy: “You cut a wedge out of the bone and then rotate it up?”

Howard: “Yeah. Have you seen my book? Maybe you want to buy one. There is a lot of information in there about all of this stuff. And some stuff that you don’t need. It can answer a lot of questions. We want to get ride of the sublabial sulcus at the base of your chin. I think of this as a very male feature. Now, what to do. The brow. Right now the distance from your brow to your hairline is 7cm. I want 5.5cm. The average male has a distance there of 5/8 of an inch longer than the average female. This is the case in 16-year-old males, even before they’ve experienced hair loss. You have a type III forehead. We talked about that. We’ll do your nose—if we do the forehead we have to do the nose. Do you remember Dick Tracy? His nose went straight out like a shelf? You probably won’t like that. Upper lip. Now your upper lip has a vertical height of 2.5mm and drops 2-3mm below your upper teeth. If you look at me when I talk, you don’t see my upper teeth unless I smile. He smiled to demonstrate. Women show their upper teeth when they talk. We’ll want to move you up to get some good tooth show. So. We’ll do your chin, your lower jaw, the thyroid cartilage. If I do all this at one time—and most patients choose to do that because it saves them a lot of time—I know this will take almost exactly 10 ½ hours.

Tracy: “Everything?”

Howard: “Yes”. Howard went on to describe the risks associated with these surgeries, the recovery process, and necessary preoperative preparation. When he’d answered Tracy’s questions, he led her down the hall to talk money with Sydney.   

Clinic Two -- Dr. Page

Leanne: “I began dealing with my gender issues at 50, when my wife and I became empty nesters. I have already been cleared for hormones but I am waiting to take them until after my daughter’s wedding in a few months. I am a manager—I mean, that is what I do for a living but that is also who I am. I like to have everything figured out before I start. That is why I am here. I don’t really know how hormones will affect me and what changes they might make to my face, but I do know that the face is the most important thing to me. I can do things with clothes, but I can’t hide my face.”

Page: “Making changes to your face can make you more feminine appearing.” As she spoke, he sat quietly, almost motionless. Like a practiced interviewer, he allowed her short silences to linger unfilled, and it turned out that she had a good deal to say.

Leanne: “I know that if I proceed with this my marriage will be over, and I understand that. My wife didn’t really sign up for all of this and I can’t force her to feel better about it. I am here because I want to manage my expectations; I need to know realistically where I might end up, instead of going forward with all of this and then finding out that you can’t do what I think you can do. I don’t want someone to give me all of the classic female things. This is a clear reference to Howard’s approach. I was interested in talking to you because you said that you work with features not totally remake them. It is not a clean slate. Given the face that I have, I want to know what to expect. Right now, I don’t look like a woman; I look like a man in a wig. I haven’t gone out much; I only wear women’s clothes when I go to counseling. But when I go out I worry about my face. I just don’t want to attract attention. I want to fit in.” Page did not verbally respond to any of Leanne’s personal and emotional disclosures; he simply began the physical assessment of her face. 

Page: “We’ll start at the top and work our way down. These are only suggestions, to let you know what is possible, and how I think of things. We think of the face in three sections: forehead, midface and lower face. One of the most feminizing effects happens in the forehead. We can move the hairline forward. Bone work is required to make a feminine skull.” Page rolled his stool backward to retrieve the model skull sitting on the counter behind him. He held the skull in his left hand and used the index finger on his right hand to show Leanne how the frontal bone could be reduced. “By burring down this area [above the eyes] instead of removing the bone, we can retain the angle from your forehead to your nose. Patients with ‘the works’ often look worked on. That is not what I want to give you. When you lose the natural transition from the forehead to the nose you don’t look good as a man or woman.”

This is a direct defense of his surgical approach against Howard’s more aggressive style. Page runs the pad of his thumb across the orbital ridge above Leanne’s left eye as she looks at her face in the mirror. “Reducing this will give you the feminine appearance. It gives you sex appeal. That’s the approach we’re going for. Passing as a woman takes more than what I do: it’s about hormones, behaviors, dress, makeup, voice. What I do is just one piece of the pie. Now, when I’m in doing the forehead contouring I can remove some frown muscle, which would be nice for you. At the same time I can take away the peaks at the hairline.” Page uses the wooden handle of a long cotton swab to trace along the temporal baldness of Leanne’s hairline.

Leanne: “I’ll need a wig anyway. I had hair transplants all through there but they failed.”

Page: “This dark space is the frontal sinus.” He points at the sinus on the x-ray using a yellow wooden pencil. “In my mind, the most desirable female forehead is convex horizontally and vertically; it is not vertical. I could take you back 8mm. The 15mm you currently are minus 8 equals 7mm. That is where I want you. If you had an x chromosome rather than the y you were born with, that is where you’d be. You got this…” indicating the brow prominence of the frontal sinus “…when you were 14, 15, 16 years old. You have what I call a type III forehead.” Explains how he’ll remove the frontal wall, and form patches to wire back into the exposed sinuses. “When taking out the frontal sinus you have two holes left: if you sneeze you make a bubble and if you sniff you make a dimple. That is good at the first cocktail party, but not the second. I take the bone I removed and make two small patches and wire them into place to close those sinuses. If someone just burred this down, they could only go about .5mm to 1mm.” This comment acknowledges the common approach by other surgeons to burr the bone rather than unroof it. It is both descriptive and defensive.

Page: “Okay. Your nose is really necessary to do. We can take the hump out of the dorsum and decrease the projection some. The upper lip could be shortened. That is really common in feminization surgery. It’ll be like when you were younger.” Page presses the wooden handle of the cotton swab just beneath Leanne’s nose, causing her upper lip to rise on the surface of her teeth and allowing more tooth to show. “In terms of the jaw, I would leave it alone.”

Leanna: “Really?”

Page: “Beautiful women have a strong jaw line. For you, brow lift, cheek implants possibly to give you some more fullness in the midface, and nose for sure. If you’d like to see what this would look like, we can image you and give you a better idea of what I am talking about.” Page led Leanne to a small, dimly-lit room attached to the exam room. There was space for only two distinct positions in this room, so I observed in the doorway, looking over Page’s shoulder as he worked. Page was seated at a laptop computer equipped with a special trackpad that allowed him to move a stylus along the pad controlling the computer display. His laptop was connected to a digital camera mounted on an adjustable stand. Leanne sat at the opposite end of the room in front of a grey backdrop. Page took six digital photos of Leanne’s (non-smiling) face: (1) looking straight ahead at the camera; (2) turning her whole body such that her face is in ¾ view; (3) profile; (4) ¾ view facing the other direction; (5) opposite profile; (6) facing forward but looking straight up, a ‘worm’s eye view’. Page invited Leanne to pull her stool up beside his so that she could watch as he altered the photos he just took.

Page: “I try to do things with imaging that I can do during surgery so that it’s not unrealistic. One thing would be to decrease projection. Come over here and I’ll show you what I mean.” Leanne got up from her seat in front of the drape and sat beside Page in front of the computer. Using the stylus on the trackpad, Page selected the areas that he could reduce: frontal bossing, orbital bossing, and nose projection. He circled each of these areas on the profile image because this image produces the most noticeable contrast. Once these areas were selected, Page drug the stylus back and forth across the trackpad. As he moved from left to right across the pad, the nose, forehead, and orbital bossing all reduced in unison. As he moved back to the left, they ‘grew’ back to their original (current) size. Leanne watched this in silence for a few seconds. It was clear that she was not seeing all that she hoped to see. Page was quick to step in. “I am kind of limited in what I can show here. I mean, you have to imagine what it would look like once your facial hair is gone [she had a day’s growth of beard]. You’ve also got some skin damage that you should really work on. I’d say the most important thing you can do for yourself between now and any surgery would be to start a skin-care regimen. Work on that sun damage and some of the brown areas, the wrinkles around the eyes.” Page indicated these problem areas on the computerized image of her face. “I work with an esthetician right upstairs. I can set an appointment for you if you want. I really do think that is really important. You know, beautiful women have beautiful skin.”

Leanna: “Yeah, I spent almost 20 years in Arizona. I have a lot of sun damage.”

Page: “Here are some other patients I have operated on. Maybe these will give you a better idea of the changes I am talking about.” Page opened a file on the laptop with several pre-op and post-op images of his patients. He flipped through the images, describing the procedures involved. “Here you can see I did the nose…Here you can see the reduced bossing; that really opens up the eyes… Here you can see the difference that a brow lift really makes. She looks great…” This didn’t seem to alleviate Leanne’s sense of disappointment with her own images.

Leanna: “These people look much more feminine than what I see when we look at me. I have my wig with me. Can I put it on and you can take the pictures again? That might give us a better idea of how this is going to look.” She crouches down and pulls her wig out of her briefcase. It is a bit disheveled and needs brushing. Leanne does her best to place the reddish-brown shag cut wig on her head, but there are no mirrors in this room. In addition to the contrast produced by her businessman’s attire, the wig is not quite on correctly. To my mind, this photo session has just changed quite radically. Page appeared somewhat reluctant, but he agreed to take a new profile photo on which to make the digital modifications. One of the qualities that made the wig desirable is particularly problematic during the photo shoot: it obscures her forehead and brow.

Page: “Could you pull your hair back so I can see your forehead?” Page took the photo. Leanne resumed her seat beside him at the computer and watched as he made the same alterations to the new photo as he had to the previous set. The addition of the wig did not produce the effect she’d hoped for. Page reiterated the importance of starting a skin-care regimen and beginning electrolysis on her face. “I think those changes could make a big difference for you. Let’s go talk to my office manager, Hannah. She can give you a better idea about prices and we can look at some more images.” The pair left the room and began flipping through a photo album in Hannah’s office.

Leanna: “Do you think I could ever look this good? I’m worried about going through all of this and looking as ridiculous as I do now.”

It is clear from these two representative appointments that though these doctors punitively share a common goal—the ‘feminization’ of their patients—what ‘feminine’ means to each of theme is quite distinct. Their approaches to the project of ‘feminization’ determine both what each doctor identifies as the problematically ‘masculine’ and the desirably ‘feminine’ and how they do so.

SURGERY DAY

For most patients I interviewed, the anticipation of and preparation for surgery had given significant shape to their personal, professional, financial and emotional lives for many months. For others, many (many) years. By the time they’d made the trip to the surgeon’s office, they had come to think of Facial Feminization Surgery as the event that would mark the difference between the life they had and the life they wanted.

It would, they hoped, be the end of a deep longing for transformation. Structured by the future goal of surgery, for these patients the present had collapsed into a seemingly interminable time before surgery. It was a continuation of the past experience of bodily dissatisfaction and disaffection into the almost, the can’t wait, the before to which every day following surgery would be the after. 

Dr. Howard pointed to a chair in the hallway outside his office. “I’ll walk by that spot at exactly 7:25am. If you’re there, you’re welcome to join me in the OR. If you’re not, you’re not.”

Patient: Rosalind

Rosalind, whose surgery is described in the interstices of this prose—had traveled from Wales to undergo surgery with Dr. Howard. When we met on the afternoon before her surgery, she was feeling very anxious. When I asked her about the source of her anxiety, she said that it was not the operation itself that worried her. Rather, she was nervous about the postoperative recovery period.

“I’m scared to death. A week before my plane ride I started praying for British Airways to go on strike. I saw a patient at the Cocoon House [Howard’s private recovery and convalescent facility, all gendered and natural metaphors intended] all bruised and bandaged and I’ve been walking around trying to think, ‘Why am I doing this?’”

 Rosalind had hoped to make this trip five years before, but financial issues had delayed her plans. For her, as for all patients who shared their stories with me, arriving in this office was the culmination of a long process of self-discovery.

“At 25 years old my hair started to fall out and I thought, ‘Oh no! I haven’t decided whether I want to transition!’ I tried topical creams and things to try to keep my hair and I became pretty obsessed with it. Then I started thinking, ‘Wait, is the problem that you’re going bald or that you’re transgendered?’”

She began feminizing hormones in 1999, and hoped that their effects would be enough to ease the anxieties she had about her appearance. She was not ready to commit to surgical alterations at that time because, she explained, she simply could not accept the idea that she was a transwoman.

“I still thought I could cure myself of being transgendered,”

In spite of this desire to be ‘cured,’ she began taking tentative steps toward ‘accentuating the feminine in [her] face.’ She underwent facial electrolysis that had produced permanent pockmarks on her cheeks and chin, only exacerbating her self-consciousness about her appearance. In 2002 she had surgery to remove her thyroid cartilage (Adam’s Apple) and, shortly thereafter, a surgery to reduce the size of her nose.

“That only made my brow look bigger,” she lamented. “My brow is my major concern. I need my nose to match my brow. I have a kind of Neanderthal brow. I want to do my jaw too, but I may have to skip that for now depending on whether I can get the money together. I was kind of hoping he wouldn’t say that I needed to do my jaw, but I know it needs to be done.”

Rosalind knew that her decision to have surgery would cause complications in her work and family life. She presented as male at work and at family events, and planned to continue doing so at least until her elderly father passed away. The thought of disappointing him with the fact of her female identity was unthinkable to her. She worked in the building and construction industry in a fairly small town and, for her, living full-time as a woman was simply not an option. Worries about work and personal consequences had kept her from making many changes both to her life and to her body, but she had finally decided that such concerns could no longer determine her choices.

“If I have to think too much about what others think, I’ll never do it. I have to do this for me. I’ve spent 25 years of my life thinking about not looking like I do now. I want that to go away. Constant thinking about that ruins the mind. After this I’ll be able to think of other things, everyday things.”

Rosalind told me, as did many patients, that it was during puberty that she began to hate her face. As she watched her ‘button nose’ give way to the oversized nose of a pubescent boy, she taught herself how to wash her face and brush her teeth in the dark.

“My mum would go into the bathroom after me and always wonder why the blinds were closed.”

It was easier for her to re-learn these daily habits than to deal with the look of her changing face in the mirror. This was the beginning of the long story that brought her all the way from Wales to have surgery with Dr. Howard some 25 years later.

I was tired and anxious when I joined Howard the next morning. We walked briskly down the hallway to the surgical wing, he in a shirt and tie covered by his long white coat, me in my canvas jacket and shoulder bag. I saw the loafers on his feet and felt like an idiot in my running shoes—I thought they’d be best for endurance.

After so much discussion of looks and numbers and desires and abilities, it is in the operating room that faces are reconstructed. It is here, as they say, that the rubber meets the road. While for surgeons the operation is an event that has been routinized and repeated hundreds or even thousands of times over, for the patient, the operation is something absolutely singular—assuming all goes well. Over the course of the surgery (up to nearly eleven hours in the case of a “full face” operation), the patient’s skin, bone and cartilage is pushed, pulled, burred, sawed, cut, cracked, tucked and sutured. In the end a strikingly new face may emerge; one whose production is guided by the hope that its new form will enable a coincidence of the patient’s self and body for perhaps the first time in a very, very long time.

Facial Feminization Surgery is guided by a hope for phenomenological integration—the creation of a body that (re)presents the self. Though the technical work of surgery is something that patients do not experience in real time, its effect animates their anticipation of a better life through the body as a better and truer thing.

He brought me to the charge nurse’s desk. I was to register my name in the vendor’s logbook. Dr. Howard offered me a pen. “You can keep it,” he said. “It’s got my name on it.” I signed in quickly and was given a sticky nametag. I followed Howard into the physicians’ locker room where I was shown for the first—and last— time where to find the supplies I would need to enter the OR. I slid my bag and jacket into an open locker.

For those who desire physical transformation, the operating room is place that symbolizes corporeal change and all the attendant hopes of what that change will bring. In addition to the physical transformations enacted here, the operating room is also the scene of an encounter between patients and surgeons that is structured by a common conception of the body or, more specifically here, the face. For these two people in this place, the patient’s face is a material thing. It is not the irreducible site of personhood, the distinct shape of which makes us individuals; it is a series of structures whose problematic characteristics can be rectified.

These structures do not necessarily map onto or even remotely relate to the social or personal identity that the face is typically taken to be. That is just the point: this face is not her face. Not yet at least. The preoperative face is simple, disinterested material for the surgeon who cuts into and reshapes its parts, and it also is this for the patient whose experience of her face as something disloyal—as non-coincident with her self—has motivated her arrival here.

This is a distinct vision of the body shared between the surgeon and the patient, two people who have arrived together in the operating room precisely in order to alter it. We grabbed blue paper caps from a shelf near the door to the hallway. He folded the bottom rim of his cap upward in order to pull it down snugly before tying the white paper straps behind his head. I did the same. We were ready. Howard swung open the door and we headed to OR 3, his regular room. He  handed me a surgical mask as we walked through the scrub room and into the OR where Rosalind was laying on the table being prepped by the Circulating Nurse (CN).

Dr. Howard went immediately to greet the patient. He caressed her forearm and assured her that everything would go well and that she would look beautiful. I! couldn’t stop staring at her fingernails: cotton candy pink against the blue and white striped blanked that covered her. Howard stayed by her head until she was under anesthesia. The moment the patient was unconscious, the feel of the operating room changed. With the presence of a guest no longer observed—I certainly did not count  as such—everyone in the OR began their tasks in haste.

“This is Rosalind Mitchell, 37 years old. We’re doing her forehead and nose today. She wanted to do the chin and jaw but her credit card didn’t come through. Says she’ll be back for those in the fall. This should take four and a half hours. She has no allergies and is on no medication.” Confirming! that all parties were in agreement, he began to prepare the first site: the forehead. Sitting on his stool at the end of the table, he began to comb and gather Rosalind’s long hair in rubber bands. Once the site was isolated, he shaved a one inch wide track through her hair, combed out the loose pieces and dropped them into a biohazard bucket. He injected the incision site with local anesthetic and then left the room to scrub in. While he was out, the CN sterilized the forehead site with soap and water and then with iodine that dripped in deep brown yellow drops through her hair and into towels on the floor. The doctor returned with his clean and dripping hands held at chest level. The CN helped him into his gown and gloves

The process of making a masculine face into a feminine one only rarely involves addition (of bone substance or implants). Instead, making feminine is almost always a process removing that which is masculine to reveal the feminine beneath. The masculine is a problem of excess: the jaw is too wide, the forehead too long and too prominent, the chin too square, the upper lip too long. Whereas genital sex reassignment involves rearranging and repurposing body parts in order to make new ones, like mastectomy for female-to-males, Facial Feminization Surgery is essentially about taking parts of the body away.

For this reason it can quite literally be read as carving away the outer unwanted body to reveal the self within. The metaphorical representation of “a woman trapped in a man’s body” is, in other words, rendered quite literally here. In this OR scene, the ontological and phenomenological statuses of the body and self are radically uncertain.

The surgeon further isolated the incision site by draping sterile blue towels over the patient’s hair and securing them in place with skin staples. Fully draped from head to toe, only the patient’s face was showing. One stitch was placed in each of her eyelids—sutures are necessary to keep her eyes closed (and thus moist) because her face will be tugged and moved quite a lot throughout the procedure. All was ready to proceed. Dr. Howard announced the time of the first incision; the CN recorded it on the whiteboard on the wall, and the operation began.

To reduce the frontal sinus that accounts for the ‘male brow,’ an incision is made beginning at each ear and meeting at the center of the head, just behind the  hairline. The skin of the forehead—from hairline to orbits (eye sockets)—is folded down over the eyes, revealing the smooth and very white frontal bone below.

The long, thin wooden handle of a cotton swab is broken in half, dipped in methylene blue and used to mark the frontal bone on either side. The periosteum (a membrane that lines the outer surface of bones) is cut at these lines and scraped forward into the orbits at the top of the nose bridge. Glancing at the cephalograms illuminated on the wall\mounted light board, the doctor marks the frontal bone with a yellow wooden pencil.

The burr tool whirs like a dental drill as it grinds off the undesirable bony prominence's above the orbits. Bone particles fly off the burr as it spins. They catch in the cloth and paper that covers the patient and in the folds of my scrubs as I lean in. By the end of the procedure they will become dry chalky dust. An oscillating saw blade replaces the burr tool and a cut is made along the pencil drawn lines. The cut bone is pried up out of its place, making a dull cracking sound as it is dislodged from the skull. The Surgical Tech (ST) collects this irregular oblong piece (about two inches across at its widest point) and sets it in the white plastic lid of a sample cup for safekeeping. The frontal sinus is revealed. Everyone’s frontal sinus (95% of us have one) is structured differently. Rosalind’s is internally asymmetrical, divided by thin walls of bone into three distinct cavities. Frontal sinuses are usually empty, but sometimes brain matter has protruded into them. “Is that brain or sinus? Not sure. Let’s go slow.”

A yellow pencil marks the location where corresponding holes will be drilled in the frontal bone and in the bone patch. Stainless steel non\magnetic wires are placed and spun down tight. The ends of the wires are trimmed and turned inward. The bone work on the forehead is done. Rosalind’s forehead has been set back 5 millimeters. 

The anesthesiologist leans over and speaks loudly in Rosalind’s ear: “You did a great job. Surgery is over. Just relax. Let us move you.”

RECOVERY

When a patient first encounters her new face after surgery, it is covered with bandages and dressings. Much of the skin that is visible is taut, swollen and discolored. Her nose may be packed and casted. There may be drains pulling blood from around her newly contoured jaw. She must suction saliva from her mouth because the throat pack placed during surgery will make it uncomfortable to swallow.

For the first several days following surgery she may need to manually stretch the muscles of her jaw to keep them from clamping tight in a gesture of defense. Even if the procedure is considered medically successful—in that the surgeon was able to meet the goals that he set for himself and there were no compromising complications—there is no way to know how well the surgery went, or whether the desired effect will actually be produced. That effect is, after all, not a property of the face itself. It is, rather, a response that the face will (hopefully) elicit.

Such a measure of success cannot be clinically assessed, nor can it be known right away. Depending upon the particular procedures performed, it may take up to a year for all of the swelling to subside and for the face to ‘settle down,’ as surgeons say. Though new structures of bone and soft tissue were created in the event of the operation, the face itself is never a fixed and stable thing; it is always a thing unfolding in time.

After all of the waiting she has already done—waiting for self-acceptance, for surgery savings funds to grow, waiting for consultations, for travel arrangements—now the patient must wait to heal and find out whether the face she wanted is the face she’s got. Surgery is the quintessential anticipatory regime (Adams, et. al., 2009). It is forward looking, oriented to a future post-surgical life that will be somehow better than the life that would have happened without it. Surgery is about intervention: the imagined and undesirable future can be changed through the event of the operation. Once that event has occurred, there is nothing to do but wait. And hope.

I first met Rachel five days after her surgery. She had her forehead, hairline, nose, thyroid cartilage, and jaw done. In addition, her upper lip had been shortened and enhanced. When I was introduced to her by Heleen, a Dutch attorney who was back in town to see Dr. Howard for some jaw revision work, I had to stifle a sympathetic wince.

Rachel’s eyes were ringed in deep browns and purples, and the sutures beneath her nose drew contrastive attention to the thin red incision line where the length of her upper lip had been reduced. Though the packing had been removed from her nostrils earlier that day, the cast on her nose remained and was held in place by a large X of tape rising up above her eyebrows and down across her cheeks. Her thinning hair and receding temporal baldness left sutures and staples visible across the crown of her head.

I felt sore for her, like neither of us should move too quickly. She, on the other hand, said she was feeling better than she had in days and was light on her feet as she led me to the back garden where we could talk. As Rachel spoke—with the marked accent and dry humor of a life-long New Yorker—she dabbed saliva from the corners of her swollen mouth with a white cotton handkerchief. We talked for more than two hours in the garden behind Howard’s private convalescent facility, with only one break: the unseasonably strong sun was heating the staples in her scalp and demanded that we move into the shade of a leafy tree.

Rachel, now in her mid-fifties, had first decided that she wanted FFS fifteen years earlier, as soon as she saw before and after photographs posted online.

“From the moment I knew it existed, I thought, ‘Wow.’ I knew that I didn’t have a pretty face. I’d get dressed up but I knew I didn’t look like a woman. I could put all the makeup in the world on and nobody was going to mistake me for a girl. Maybe when I was like 16. Essentially, I would say that from the moment I knew people were doing it, I immediately started thinking to myself, ‘Wow, I could do that, too.’”

When I asked her what it was about her face that she had wanted to change, she had trouble locating the problem that she hoped surgery could fix—though she could quickly recount the list of the procedures that had just been performed. “If I was sitting here with a friend and just talking,” she said, “I would say, ‘Beauty is like pornography, you know it when you see it.’ And it’s the same thing with a feminine face: you know it when you see it.” Though she noted that her, ‘rather large nose,’ was ‘a male trait in [her] family,’ the nose by itself was not the problem. Neither, necessarily, was it her ‘fairly prominent forehead.’ It was something greater than these, and something more diffuse.

“I was a handsome man, but I didn’t want to be handsome. I wanted to be pretty. I guess, in a certain sense, I wanted to have all the things that I enjoyed in women that I liked. The way they looked. The way their lips looked. What their hair looked like. How all the features went together. I think it’s kind of a simple answer: I wanted to be a pretty girl. One of the great things that Dr. Howard did was define this whole notion of feminizing in entirety, as opposed to just doing one thing. One thing in and of itself is not going to do it. It’s got to be a holistic approach.”

On account of this ‘holistic’ transformation, Rachel did not really have an idea of what she would look like once her face had finished healing. More than any particular ending point, what she most wanted her face to be was something other than what it had been for her entire adult life: masculine. The particular form that that femininity would take was not something that concerned her.

“[When considering having FFS] I would say to [my friend], ‘Do I really want to do this? Because what if I don’t really look good?’ She would say to me, ‘Well, you know what you look like now. Would you rather go through the rest of your life looking like you look now, or looking like somebody else? Maybe you’re not drop-dead beautiful or even pretty, but you’re not going to look like a man.’ And the answer to that is the latter. I knew how deeply dissatisfied I was. To the point of it being painful what I looked like, and having to look at myself in the mirror everyday. That got worse as I got further into my transition. That just got worse and worse. The disconnect between what I felt and how I looked just became more and more pronounced to the point where I just didn’t want to look in the mirror. I just hated it.… [Someone] asked me, ‘Are you going to look very different?’ And I said, ‘I sure hope so.’ That’s the whole point. It wouldn’t bother me if nobody recognized me. That wouldn’t bother me at all. If I look good. If somebody said, ‘You look fantastic, but I can’t quite place you,’ that would be wonderful.”

Her new face—still tender, bruised and cut—held, under its bandages, the possibility of a radically new identity in which she was not recognizable to anyone she knew. While to me such a prospect seemed as if it might be quite frightening, for Rachel, the potential of this total change was ‘wonderful.’

As Rachel sat healing, she recounted the promise that the facial change would be a total one through a personalized version of Howard’s early morning doorbell scene.

“My goal, my ideal is that I could go out on the street dressed like I’m dressed right now—just a pair of pants and a t-shirt and some sneakers—and no gender markings other than I’d be wearing earrings, which I always wear, and that when I went into a grocery store the person would say, ‘Can I help you miss?’ That’s really what I want. I want to read as, accepted as, and reacted to as a woman. So that is what I was hoping he would say he can do, and that’s what he does say he can do. That is what he promises.”

Becoming ‘accepted as and reacted to as a woman’ would be the actualization of a truth about herself that Rachel traced back to her earliest childhood memories of dressing in her mothers lingerie and heels. Her knowledge of her gender as being somehow ‘not right’ had persisted throughout her life. “I’ve essentially been feeling ashamed of myself probably since I was five years old—or probably more like four,” she said. “Living daily with a sense of shame about who I was. And not only living with it but hiding it, because I was also hiding the source of my shame.” Rachel had undergone years of therapy with various psychologists and psychiatrists.

“I had met someone very early on in the therapeutic process that I interviewed with and he said to me, ‘Look, this is the way you are. You’re not going to change. This isn’t going to go away.’ And I just refused to accept that. I was 20 years old. And out of everybody I saw in all the intervening years, what he said was the truth. It took me 30 more years to accept that.”

Rachel’s feelings about herself as a transwoman changed somewhat unexpectedly. Her mother had become ill with cancer and as the child who lived closest, Rachel undertook what became a very intimate caretaking role during her mother’s treatment. Despite longstanding conflicts in their relationship—many of which were rooted in Rachel’s gender issues—the two grew incredibly close through this ordeal.

“We were spending a lot of time just together by ourselves. And I just sort of let go of any resentment or anger I had towards her, and I really just wanted to make her get well. Having a positive influence on her life kind of opened something in me that I had closed off. When the whole thing was over, I thought to myself, if I can give her this [beginning to cry softly], then why can’t I give this to myself? So, I did.”

Tears welled up and streamed down her bruised cheeks as she recalled the epiphany that had not only enabled her to relate differently to herself as a transwoman but had also revived a loving relationship with her mother.

“What started to happen for the first time in my life, is that I started letting go of shame. I thought: I got my mother through this, how bad a person could I be? So I did start to just let go of feeling ashamed of myself, and feeling all this guilt. And that was a really new experience.”

Her mother’s cancer in remission and her divorce from her wife finalized, Rachel began hormone treatments, the beginning of her physical transition from male to female.

“I had my first shot and it felt fantastic. I felt like Marilyn Monroe. I remember getting on the train going back downtown and I had to remind myself, ‘You still look like a man to everybody.’ That’s how powerful it was. I recognize that it was psychological, but it was also physical, too.”

Though she felt it was likely that she would eventually undergo genital sex reassignment surgery, FFS was her first surgical priority. “The most important thing I could do was change my face,” she explained. It was a change that would free her in ways that, on that sunny afternoon, she could only imagine.

For many patients, a new face promised not only a new life but also a radically new—and uncertain—identity. So long as they would no longer be recognized as men, the particular form of their faces did not really matter to them. For example, Patricia looked forward to the feeling of her new face more than its look.

“I do think it is going to be profound to just get up every morning and look in the mirror and go, ‘Oh my god, here’s somebody who I’ve always known was there but I never saw.’ You know? Feeling is one thing, but seeing is another. That’s kind of the aspect I’m looking for, without any idea of what she’ll look like. Whatever, it’ll be an improvement.”

Some patients hoped that the effects of their surgery would be subtle, simply accentuating the features that they already liked about themselves, while others had a very particular idea of what they thought they would look like following surgery. This was informed by their understanding of what surgical modification could accomplish, as well as their own interpretation of how—and like whom—they looked prior to the operation.

Katherine both wanted and expected to retain her individuality. “I want to be a feminine version of myself,” she said. “Some people just aren’t realistic. If you’ve got a head like a medicine ball and you want to look like Angelina Jolie, you’re going to have a rough time of it. Rather than emulate someone else, I’d rather be an individual.”

Similarly, Brenda—who had consulted with both Howard and Page and ultimately decided to undergo surgery with Page—said, “I guess I want to look like me but more feminine.” Though word-of-mouth, personal experiences and plenty of online research, patients felt confident that their wildest dreams could come true. They had seen the photographs of scores of former FFS patients whose images and narratives of transformation attested to the possibility of total surgical transformation. It is the actualization of this idealized possibility that has earned Howard a sort of cult following, and a legion of fans and defenders.

Jill’s Story

Howard had performed Jill’s ‘full face’ FFS nearly ten years before, and she had been an outspoken admirer and supporter of his ever since.

“I’ve been a Jim girl for a long time,” she explained with a smile. When I first met Jill, she reached into her pocket and pulled out her cell phone to show me a picture of what she looked like before surgery. I admit that the difference between the photograph and the face before me was astounding. She clearly took great pride in this fact.

“I don’t reject what Joe was. I don’t apologize for what Joe was. I don’t apologize for what Jill has become. I am comfortable with the unique mutt that I am, which is a combination of what Joe was and what Jill is. I like to think it’s the best of both worlds as opposed to the forces of having to be one or the other.”

The photograph—and her narration of it—was not only an affirmation of her own reconciliation with her past, but a testament to what FFS could do. When Jill first learned about FFS in the late 1990’s, she had already come to peace with the idea that she would never transition.

She had a reasonably successful life as a husband and father, and felt completely isolated in her knowledge of herself as a woman. If she could not be recognized as a woman, then she would have to learn to accept her life as it was. At that time, before the expansion of the internet, she explained,

“There was no validation. There was no hope that we could blend into society and just live our lives. The choices were twofold. One, you accept the fact that you live in some margin—if that was okay. Or you accept the fact that you live something less than a fulfilling life. I was married. I had a son. I had a good career. I had money. I had all of the trappings that society told me that I was being successful, except that I had this secret.”

Jill described first learning that FFS was possible, as a moment that was “very empowering but it was also terrifying. When you become comfortable with the impossible, realizing that the impossible is possible gets scary.” Jill’s initial surgery lasted nearly 13 hours and the recovery, she said, ‘was hell.’ Much like the radical transformation that Rachel envisioned, Jill’s surgery had changed not only her face, but her most basic understandings of herself and her world. Though she had not been politically engaged in her life as a man, since her transition—which began with FFS—Jill found herself confronted with social inequalities that she had never been aware of before.

“As a man, I had never experienced discrimination. Really. Not that I knew of. You take it for granted: you’re white, you’re heterosexual—or perceived to be heterosexual—you’re granted a level of privilege that you don’t know that you have that just comes with your birthright. You’re living in a world that’s oblivious to many of the unfortunate realities that others have to face. To have that stripped from you and see that people can be fired over this, people can lose their housing, to see that people in your community are not welcome in women’s shelters but have too much self-respect to go to men’s shelters and so they freeze to death on a park bench because they can’t get a job and they’re homeless. To recognize that in school people get the crap beat out of them because they’re different. Those things are contrary to everything my parents raised me to believe. So I found that I was given opportunities of making choices.”

Newly empowered by her changing body and newly outraged by an understanding of life that she had not been aware of before, Jill became a prominent figure in transpolitical organizing circles, delivering keynote addresses at national conferences and writing a widely circulated book about her experience of coming to terms with her identity and going through the process of transitioning from male to female. She attributed this radical shift in her life to FFS. “My own involvement never meant to be as significant as it became,” she explained.

“Coming here and meeting Sydney and going through this process was the single most profound experience of my entire life. It remains so. And I’ll tell anybody who asks….

The fact of the matter is that coming here, finally looking in the mirror and seeing somebody who more closely reflected on the outside who I knew was on the inside and watching that person develop—because the person that I was six months after I left here was very different than the person who left here. I never would have transitioned without coming to see him. Coming here was day one. It was a physical change, it was a mental change, it was psychological change. It was the impossible becoming possible.”

Jill was, quite literally, the poster girl for FFS and for Dr. Howard. Her before-and-after photographs are featured in multiple places throughout Howard’s recently published book on FFS and are staples in his conference presentation slideshows.

Not only does Jill epitomize the feminine—both visibly female and normatively beautiful—she also exemplifies the total life changing potential of Facial Feminization Surgery. Hers is a narrative of redemption that emphasizes her own efforts for self-acceptance as materialized by Howard, the person with the unique skills and vision to see in her—and make her into—the woman she knew herself to be. Despite both her own and Howard’s characterization of her surgery as an unqualified success, Jill’s time on the operating table was not done. She was in for some revision surgery on her jaw.

In some patients, the blood that pools around the bone following jaw contouring surgery can later be reabsorbed and turn into bone. When this happens, patients often return for revision in order to recreate the narrowed jaw that the initial surgery produced. This increasingly square jaw is what brought Jill back to the office. No face—no matter how fantastic—lasts forever.

#gender #transgender #gender bender #transformation #trans #trans woman #gender transformation #lgbtpride #lgbtq community #LGBTQA #lgbtq #lgbtqai #lgbt #maletofemale #male to female #mtf hrt #mtf #HRT #hormone replacement therapy #body dysphoria #dysphoria #hormone #Dysphoric #facial feminization #facial feminization surgery #sex reassignment surgery #surgery #male to female face #ffs

[songofproserpine]

Excerpt of a Thing I’m working on, based on different discussions in two (2) separate groupchats with the same premise: Lucifer’s too appealing for his own good and we wanna see more soft content with the guy.

This is still a rough draft, and it ends really abruptly because I’m waiting on some feedback before I continue, but I hope you enjoy it anyway! Feedback is appreciated, though I’m not specifically looking for concrit at this moment.

I present to you my next junkfood creative project, which has the working title of My Graceless Heart.

Lucifer’s Cage is an impossible space, coiled in the dark heart of Hell. The air inside is like a hook gnawing on lungs, pulling each deep, longing breath back into himself before it brings relief. He breathes anyway—he lives, he denies, he defies. The First Rebel will not be made to bow, not even to himself.

The devil is, among other things, a stubborn creature. Crafty, keen—a survivor. And like all survivors, he is always armed—knives out, mind sharp, vigilant and honed. This is not always to his credit; victims are made vicious, attacking even themselves.

It is cruel, not clever, to transform your heart from a shivering prey animal into a mouth of sharp teeth, all in the effort to guard yourself. It is cruelty calling itself kindness to thus protect oneself from yourself, killing what was once tender in you.

Soft hearts cannot endure long in jail cells. Prisons are always whole worlds unto themselves to those who stand captive within. The Cage—a crafty devise, positively panopticon to make Foucalt weep—feels at times as far from Hell as Heaven is wide. It stretches beyond that pale forbidding empyrean and its gleaming shadow like the darkly shining shores of an ancient sea, a place beyond time, a space that knows no how or where or when. There are other times the Cage sits suspended, like a carcass newly noosed, dangling above that open, black pit, knowing itself to be bait waiting to be bit.

To put it simply, Hell is like a mouth. Even the devil himself sits crouched inside, waiting for the teeth of bone and brimstone to bite down.

It isn’t always this awful. There are times he paces in a small, set length of his Cage with a loping grace—predatory, not state-of. These are the times he stares into that blank black gap open beneath him—endless, not empty—and can chase out that small thrill of fear before, traitor that it is, it can turn ruiner.

There are times he can laugh at his Cage no longer. These weak moments, raw and aching and loathsome, come more often than he would like. These are the times he can disguise the self-aimed cruelty as a kindness no more. These are the times when his heart hangs heavy in his chest, heavier than the bones of the earth. These are the times he stares into the devouring darkness with a gaze drowned in tears.

These are the times he thinks of you.

 Lucifer knows your name. Like clay, he shapes you. Like air, he breathes you. Like wine, he tastes you. He whispers your name to himself, trapping it in his hands, feeling the warmth of your memory weave and warp through his fingers. Silken, soft—that’s what you are. That’s how you feel.

 He shuts his eyes and smiles that rare smile that so seldom trust as true—but not you, never you. The darkness in him hums at the thought of you. This time, when he breathes, the hook is gone, detached. His breath blooms free, first in his chest, then higher, fuller, filling his throat.

He whispers your name, feeds it to the abyss beneath him, and holds still. Watchful, patient. It won’t be long now. You always come when he calls, ever obedient. Or is it sweetness? He can never decide, and you never know quite what he wants to hear.

Still. Even so. Oh, how easy it is to need you. Too easy, as if longing were instinct.

It helped that you needed him first.

The first time you met Lucifer was in a dream.

You weren’t exactly a starry-eyed romantic. An occasional sappy daydreamer, sure, but when it came to grand romantic fantasies, you kept your brain on a short, overly rational leash.

Except, of course, when you were out of your mind with exhaustion and in dire need of a sympathetic ear, low, soothing voice, and strangely compelling masculine figure. Then all bets were off.

Still. Wanting never turned into having. You could—and sometimes, with all the thrill that casual blasphemy could provide—wished that even the devil himself would take pity on you, tend to you with sincere concern. In fact, you wished for that right now as you sank low into your bed, trying to put the long, brutal day of a double shift behind you.

“If God won’t care about me, then let the devil do it,” you said.

You turned from one side of the bed to the lonely, cold other, watching the march of moonlight as it stretched across your room, barely illuminating your bed. Specks of dust fluttered like faded embers in the air. You traced them with your eyes, creating constellations.

A low throb of pain raced up your back, making you groan. You’d been on your feet all day—work, as always, was merciless and borderline unbearable. You shut your eyes, tucked your sleep-heavy sigh into your heart, and slowly let your hand slip off the bed.

Something warm and strong met your fingertips. You sat up, too startled to scream. That same something squeezed your fingers, holding on tight.

It was a man, both familiar and new. Pale blue eyes, sandy blond hair dimming like dying embers. He looked older than you, clearly, though his face was the kind that had a peculiar agelessness to its every line. He wasn’t old, not exactly. He was always, a child of antiquity.

“Who are you?” you asked, staring at his hand on yours. Three of his fingers all but circled all of yours.

The man gave your hand a little shake, a proper, polite, almost gentlemanly greeting. “Lucifer,” he said simply. For a moment, something tightens in his expression, almost as if he tenses against the truth.

“Oh. Okay.” You paused.

The man—Lucifer—dropped your hand. You lowered it back to the bed and used it as leverage to sit up.

“I think I made you up inside my head,” you said.

His pale eyes gleamed bright, like little chips of ice turned silvery in the dream’s moonlight. “That’s your opening line?” he scoffed. “You’re goin’ with Sylvia Plath?”

You tugged down your sleeves, hiding your wrists. A nervous habit, a comforting gesture. With an obvious effort, you tore your eyes from his face and peered around. You were still in your bedroom, a narrow little space tucked away from the weariness and frustrations of the world—family, a job, the looming horrors of an uncaring world.

“Why are you here?” you asked, not answering his own question.

“You invited me,” he said. Again his face went on its guard. And again, just as quickly, the tension was gone again. “Don’t you remember?”

You frowned. You couldn’t remember. “All I remember is getting home from work and falling right into bed,” you said.

Lucifer’s smirk was a sickle. The charm of it cut across the shadow in the room, making you shiver. “I know,” he said slowly. “I heard you.”

“How?” you asked at once. “And why me?”

“Why not you?” he fired back.

There was something peculiar about his question. The words came fast, breezing from his lips as if he studied this conversation, pored over it like a creature clutches his precious gold. But how could he know what you were going to say before you even knew it yourself?

“Kinda not surprised you’re having a little trouble here. Memory’s a funny thing,” he continued, reading your expression with the ease of browsing his favorite book. “Especially yours—not you, specifically. Humans in general, but also you especially.”

You tried to find the kindness in that statement. “Are you insulting me?” you asked, barely laughing. “This is all in my head, and I dream up a guy to insult me.” You shook your head. “God, that’s sad.”

Lucifer’s mouth pursed briefly at the name. “Dad’s got nothing to do with it,” he said, and you fell privately silent, amazed at the almost innocence of the word. Dad, not Father. As if there were still some affection there, more habit than heartfelt. “This is between you and me.” He drew a line in the air as he said it, pointing back and forth, uniting you, tying you.

You watched his hand stir the shadows and the moonlight. They both seemed to bend at his touch, as if he could command the dark to gleam brightly.

“And so what if it’s a dream?” he pressed on. “Doesn’t make it any less real, does it?”

“Why are you here?” you asked again, your voice strained, thin.

Lucifer heard the plea lurking beneath the tone. He shrugged, crossed his arms—it’s only then you realize how large his arms are, as if his body strains from the greater presence within him. “I had time to kill—I’ve got nothing but time to kill, honestly. And you know, a little company never killed anyone. Curiosity might, sure, but that’s not the end of that saying.” He raised his finger into the air, like a professor at a lecture. “Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back.”

You watched as Lucifer steeped his fingers and studied you, his eyes tracing your expression. “And you needed me. You called for me, asked for me. Can’t crucify me for wanting to know why.”

“… I did?”

“Don’t you trust me?” he asked, his eyebrows darting up.

You paused. “Guess I should,” you decided, trying to smile. “I mean, if I can’t trust my own imagination, who can I trust?”

Lucifer narrowed his eyes. This, it seemed, was the wrong thing to say. His disappointment is like a ripple in a once peaceful pool of water. “Listen to me, and listen close,” he said, his tone leaving no room for questioning. “Are you listening?”

“Yes,” you said, the word as bitter as a lemon.

He placed his hands on his chest. “I’m real, all right?” he said. His gaze dipped to your hand again, and he reached forward, tapping your knuckles.

You sat up straight. You felt that, felt him.

But why were you surprised? Didn’t he hold your hand earlier? Didn’t he squeeze it, give it a friendly shake?

You didn’t often dream. When you did, they were seldom this real, this vivid, this eager to be felt and knew and true.

“You’re real,” he continued, grinning at your reaction. He pulled back and waved his hand around. “This is real. And you know, not to dwell on this one point, but there’s not much hope for a conversation unless we can get past that little speedbump.”

The casual irreverence of his tone didn’t fool you. He might sound dismissive, but it was clear he was eager for something, wanting something, that only you could offer to him.

“Why’s it so important for you to talk to me?” you asked.

“Are you fishing for a compliment?” he asked. When he saw your scowl—not angry, no, but hurt and trying not to be—he allowed himself one moment of repentant silence before he changed tack. “Guess we could go for a round of Cemetery.”

“What?”

“You know—sit in silence. Play dead. First one to move loses.”

“Did you come up with that game?”

Lucifer crossed his arms again. “Like I said—I’ve got time to kill.”

“And I’m guessing not a lot of people to kill it with,” you said, speaking before you knew the words were there.

His smile was faint, more pinned on then true. “Is this your idea of sweet talkin’ me?”

“Did you want me to flirt with you?”

“We’re talking about you here.”

“And I’m talking about you,” you fired back. “See? That’s how conversations work.”

#wip: casual blasphemy

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Yeah,I hope with these show being aware that Aleksander is their most popular character that will rein in any slander B*rdugo might want to throw at him but it’s so funny to me how she isn’t releasing more stuff about her precious OTP yet keeps on milking the character the antis believe she based her abuser on(which ofc isn’t true and boy must they be angry)or how she falsely promoted the Nikolai duology being about Nikolai(the only other popular character in her Grisha books)when it was in fact about Z*ya because she knew readers wouldn’t be interested in reading about her and considering the mess it turned out to be those who haven’t read then are very lucky,imo.

I mean LB and the show producers aren't stupid they know that Aleks and darklina are the most popular. I think it says a lot that out of everything she is choosing to make a graphic novel out of Demon in the Woods which is the backstory for Aleks. She knows how popular Aleks is and that is much more likely to bring more money in than something related to m*lina or one of the other characters. I did notice something interesting about the post for the graphic novel on her website though, and this could be me reading too much into it but in the decription of the graphic novel its names Netflix and the show adaption.

Obviously it makes sense that she has that mention of the show in there because their may be some people that have seen the show but not read her books so will recognise the show. It's also possible part of her deal with Netflix is that she has to put the promotion there, I don't know for sure as I don't know how book to tv adaptions work and the legalities around it but that would make sense to me if when promoting the show they have to put a shout out to the books and vice versa. I could see maybe Netflix encouraging her to put out more Aleksander content and encouraging this graphic novel because of how popular the character is. Again I don't know this as fact, it is all just speculation on my part. I also think its interesting that although the grishaverse is at the top of the graphic novel front cover the graphic novel is being described as a Shadow and Bone graphic novel. Seeing as that is only the title on her first book in the trilogy I do think this is another way of linking the novel with the show because the show is more familiar with some people than the books are.

It does make me curious as to whether the show is planning to delve even deeper into Aleks' backstory in season 2 and so they are encouraging the release of this novel in the hope that viewers might read it (a graphic novel is less intense than a written novel so it may be more appealing to those who don't enjoy reading that much) and better understand Aleks' character in the next season if that makes sense. This graphic novel is set to come out in Sept 2022 and the rumour is the earliest we'll get season 2 is December 2022 so if that's correct then this would give a couple of months for show watchers to buy and read the graphic novel before season 2 is aired making it fresh in viewers minds. Who knows maybe the fact that LB is releasing content to do with Aleks means good things for his character in season 2?

#aleksander morozova #darklina #anti leigh bardugo #answered

[yasugapped]

Tagged by @superjojolimon , considering how vague the “rules” are i have Rebelliously Interpreted the questions as changeable so i just like swerved whatever seemed 2 plain for my tastes. also a lot of these just seem repeated/too similar?

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you wanna get to know better

gender: female

star sign: sag rising, libra sun, taurus moon ;^)

height: 5′3″ but can and will kill you 

mood: a dimly lit image of a possum eating oreos. munchin crunchin havin a good night

favorite bands: death grips ..... i’d say more but i’ll let u all think on that one for awhile .... 

song stuck in my head: like. the ending credits to spongebob

favorite animal: trick question its All of Them.

last movie I watched: i watch NOTHING ......... i have. never watched shit or fuck in my entire life?? ?. .. i actually cant remember i Really dont watch movies, the only ones i really like are perks of being a wallflower, internal sunshine of the spotless mind, and donnie darko

last text u sent: ok i screenshot this picture of funny valentine and his stand like “couple goals” ... .. . .. .

when did I create my blog: i dont know or care but when i made it i hadnt even read part 8 ??? i literally was committing to yasugap before i even really knew what it was like ............ im such an authentic fan,.. also, the only other part i’ve read is 4, which i read solely because i saw a picture of josuke and loved him with my Life .. i literally only read it for josuke content and didnt care much (and still dont) for the real story of it. i enjoy part 8, story wise, way more but also i love josuke2.0 a lot and i just.. . love josuke And josuke bitch whathe thefculk1!!!

fear fear fear fear fear: i am extremely hesitant to invest in any potentially horrific or goretastic display because i have like. the worst paranoia. in january youtube kept playing when my sister and i fell asleep and when i woke up it was on a video of markiplier playing an scp game and it Shook me so much. i have literally never been the same. theres an scp thats just shadows on the wall and now i cant stop hyperfixating on the shadow on my bedroom door at night... it iis !! the worst!!!! bitch!!!! :^(

another strange fear is that, i sometimes get this extreme paranoia im not alone in the bathroom and i will typically pull back the shower curtain to make sure nothing’s hiding. i’ve also legitimately checked under my bed and in my closet, but the bathroom fear is a lot stronger than those for some reason.

last thing I googled: oh my god its “funny valentine” ... w-what a shock!! wh..o wouldve guessed. ... .. have i mentioned i havent read part 7,

sipp: i actually cannot live ... without coke ... uhm ..., i prefer coke entirely flat but also cold. i pour them out into a cup and set them in the fridge to fizz out. literally. also i cant stand ice in drinks. 

hmmm one of those uh GET THE BOOK NEAREST 2 U AND READ THE 69TH WORD OF THE 420TH PAGE: ok so this book is house of leaves. it is my favorite book and has been for a few years but i’ve never finished reading it ;^) 

i think the technical 69th word was ‘in,’ but here’s the whole lil paragraph there: “Near the centre, in crisp focus, squats Delial, bone dangling in her tawny almost inhuman fingers, her lips a crawl of insects, her eyes swollen with sand. Illness and hunger are on her but Death is still a few paces behind, perched on a rocky mound, talons fully extended, black eyes focused on Famine’s daughter.” this book has a writing style i extremely admire. it is filled with senseless, mindnumbing extents of detail and confusion, it feels almost like a modernized version of poe’s style???? also neat about this book is the looks - if you’re interested, try looking up just pages from house of leaves.

last thing u devoured viciously: we went 2 this mexican restaurant i’ve been to a bunch, i always get the same thing, but this time i got this taco salad. it was disappointing. like it literally wasnt good and i was upset, 

NAME???? i just realized this question isnt here like how are u going to get to know me without THIS ...: like,, i dabble a ton in original content & characters, and my ... sonas are always named maizzey starr, and “maizzey starr” is like my BRAND so i go by maizzey a lot but as far as my real literal name ITS KAMRYN !!!!!!! like im so unique and good ..... ... ... starts crying

password style: i have only had like four different passwords in my Life. this makes it supremely easy to figure one out on a really old account or website.... i dont understand people who ...... make up different passwords for everything,, i also never initially use capital letters unless prompted. i do use numbers in like one of them.

favorite colors: i usually like colder colors more than warm, but in general i prefer bright and colorful things. rainbow rainbow rainbow rainb

average sleeping hours: oh my god ........... this is wild. i don’t have any kind of sleeping schedule whatsoever. my schedule will do fucking FLIPS 3 times a week - i recently got melatonin gummies to try and get myself on a schedule but i legitimately think i have like a sleeping issue :^(

what am I wearing: d-dont ask questions u arent prepared 2 hear the answers to.............

dream u can remember: my last dream sequence went like this. i lurking forums for club penguin. people were discussing a penguin who was kin with napoleon. like kin as in the THIS IS ME not kin as in family. and other people - .. penguins....- were also starting to be napoleon kin and it was a trend and the original napoleon penguin was angry? this vision entirely dissolved and i was in my room at night, in my bed, and i looked over to my closet as an unknown, fleshy figure leaped for me. this is literally the most terrifying dream i’ve had in my entire life. oh my god

last meme u made: FUCK .... also this

how do u have pizza: I PREFER PEPPERONI ... im ok with plain cheese especially like when its cold??? i odnt like hot cheese pizza idk why ,, .. im not very adventurous with my pizza.... i really want a dessert pizza 

weirdest thing u’ve Actually put in ur mouth: nail polish...... i saw one of those my strange addiction episode with a girl who ate nail polish. i think i tried like three different colors - they burn slightly, the taste isn’t totally disgusting but its also not like.... appealing?? OMFEJFSDJJDGDHJFDJFDSGFD 

also one time i thought. we had a those huge bricks of baker’s chocolate BUT IT WAS WAX CUBES so ive tried cinnamon wax cubes too oops!!!!!!! i mean they tasted like cinnamon so..., .h-heh , , ,..kvkfkj

any pets: YES BITCH .  .,, . i have.. THREE (3) entire whole living dogs. and also ! three guinea pigs. i love dogs more than i love anything. .. ,, . .. . 

also im 2tired 2 tag so i mean u kno goodnight 

#drinks nail polish and eats wax cubes as a nice midday snac #how late is this?????????????????? #tagm #squeaks

[mermaidsirennikita]

November 2017 Book Roundup

This month featured a follow-up to one of my favorite books of last year--which sadly wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be.  And then there was a new series from one of my favorite authors... which really wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be.  But luckily Leigh Bardugo came through with her short story collection, The Language of Thorns, which was perhaps my favorite book of the month.  She’s a surprise for me, honestly; I wasn’t a fan of her debut novel, but the degree to which I enjoyed the Six of Crows duology and now this has made me wonder if I should give Shadow and Bone another shot.  If you’re looking for something out of the realm of YA fantasy, Ayobami Adebayo’s Stay With Me is an excellent, emotional examination of marriage, secrets, and cultural pressure.  There weren’t many standout books this month, but those that did stand out really impressed me.

The Empress by S.J. Kincaid.  3/5.  The sequel to “The Diabolic”, “The Empress” returns to Nemesis, diabolic-turned-fiancee of Tyrus.  As the new emperor, Tyrus is surrounded by enemies on all sides--in particular the politician Pasus, whose daughter Nemesis murdered.  Having discovered that she’s more than just an automaton killing machine, Nemesis adores Tyrus and would do anything--and get rid of anyone--to keep him safe.  But her own position is tenuous; not even considered a person, she has to both gain the support of the people and play the political game that threatens to engulf Tyrus whole.  I wish I’d loved this as much as I loved the first book--but honestly, I think that should have remained a standalone.  I loved where it left us, on an ambiguous note but with overall resolution.  While most of the conflict here felt organic, I was really bothered by two instances that just felt like... well, cop-outs.  Excuses to move the story along that didn’t feel cohesive with the overall plot. I still love Nemesis, and I want to see how the series ends, but this book disappointed me.

Pachinko by Min Jin Lee. 3/5.  In 1930s Korea, the teenage Sunja gets pregnant out of wedlock, left behind by her married lover.  In an act of kindness, a young pastor offers to marry her and raise the child as his own, taking her with him to Japan.  As Sunja and Isak attempt to make a life for themselves, the story follows several generations across Korea and Japan.  First off, this book is written in a very lovely way, and it may appeal to you.  And I so appreciate that it’s an epic, generational novel that isn’t about westerners.  But as lovely as the writing is, it’s also a bit distant.  And the story is a bit slow.  So I can’t say I loved this book, but I did respect it.

Behind Her Eyes by Sarah Pinborough.  3/5.  Single mother Louise is horrified to find that the married man she kissed at a bar is actually her new boss--and she’s even more guilty when she not only meets his wife, Adele, but gets along with her.  As she becomes involved in an affair with David and a friendship with Adele, Louise juggles the two while at the same time worrying about David’s controlling nature, wondering what in Adele’s past has led the couple to where they are today.  This is a domestic thriller that goes bonkers at the end--like, I didn’t see that twist coming, but I feel as if the twist has to... exist within the realm of possibility for it to be a well-done twist.  So the book is trash, basically.  But it’s fun trash.  There needed to be less of Louise worrying over Adele, to be frank, because as I had a look into Adele’s mind in her POV chapters, I knew she was fishy from the start.  But if you’re looking for a quick read that’s absolutely batshit, this is it.

Stay With Me by Ayobami Adebayo.  4/5.  In 1980s Nigeria, Akin and Yejide have a loving marriage.  Both university-educated and considering themselves modern, they are determined to be monogamous.  But one day, Yejide is greeted by her in-laws--with a second wife for Akin, Funmi, in tow.  After four years of marriage, Akin and Yejide still don’t have children; and the elders believed that if Funmi conceives, Yejide’s womb will open.  Yejide becomes obsessed with the idea of having a baby first, pushing her to dark lengths that may destroy much more than just her marriage.  This is an emotionally devastating book--it’s brutally honest about a variety of topics, including culture (which, as it’s not my own, I can’t vouch for as accurate), marriage, and sex.  Yejide is a vulnerable, real character who just grabbed my heart.  Certain parts of the novel are kind of surreal, and I don’t think that the full impact really hit me as I’m not familiar with Nigerian culture in general, let alone the political atmosphere of 1980s Nigeria.  But I felt like I learned something, and read a beautiful story at the same time.

Wonder by R.J. Palacio.  5/5.  As anyone reading this probably knows, Wonder is the story of Auggie, a ten-year-old boy with a facial deformity, going to school for the first time after being homeschooled his entire life.  As he makes his first “real” friends and faces bullying and discrimination, the story also takes a look into the perspectives of his sister, his friends, and more to explain the complexities of Auggie’s life and the lives of those around him.  Basically, this is a very simple but well-written book that tackles a difficult issue without feeling like an after school special.  And the movie--a faithful adaptation, while cutting a few things--is also very good.

For the Most Beautiful by Emily Hauser.  2/5.  The story of the beginnings of the Trojan War (up to The Horse) form the dual perspectives of Briseis and Krysais.  That’s pretty much it.  In all honesty, this isn’t a horrible book, but it’s just kind of dull.  For that matter, Achilles’s relationship with Patroclus is severely downplayed, largely in favor of his relationship with Briseis--which I understand, sure.  But “A Song of War” did a much better job with the “triangle” in all honesty.  The gods were portrayed as appropriately childish, but inappropriately modern.  It just wasn’t a very good rendering of the story.

Renegades by Marissa Meyer.  2/5.  Nova, like many other people in the city of Gatlon, is a “prodigy”, with abilities beyond the norm--in her case, she never sleeps, and can make others sleep with the touch of her hand.  As a member of the Anarchists, she is branded a villain, known as Nightmare and targeted by the Renegades, a group of “heroes” led by Captain Chromium, who killed Nova’s beloved uncle--and legendary “villain”--Ace Anarchy.  Hoping to follow her uncle’s legacy and overthrow the Renegades, Nova infiltrates group under a different name, only to be caught off guard by two people: Adrian Everhart, young and heroic and everything she hates.  And the Sentinel, a shadowy figure with so many abilities that he seems impossible.  It was hard to sum this book up because it felt like a whole lot of intro, and I was so disappointed.  Basically, much of the book could have been cut, because there was a ton of repetition.  Who’s the Sentinel?  Where is Nightmare???  How does anyone not key into these people’s secret identities?  Honestly, the backstory of Ace Anarchy and Captain Chromium, Lady Indomitable, et. al sounded much more interesting and I basically want to read the rest of series for them.  It was all very cliche, like Meyer had taken bits and pieces from The Incredibles and even Megamind and perhaps a comic or two...  I hate to give this kind of review for a book by the person who wrote The Lunar Chronicles--and all-time favorite of mine-- but it’s just not up to snuff.

The Language of Thorns by Leigh Bardugo.  5/5.  An anthology set in Bardugo’s Grishaverse, this is a collection of folk tales, all based on stories that you may be familiar with, if sometimes only barely.  A plain-faced girl faces a monster; a nutcracker confuses the desires of others for true life; a fox attempts to outsmart a hunter; and more.  This is a fairly dark, eerily written book that’s still easy to read.  Bardugo has a taste for apathy and twisting the morals that you’d expect out of fairy tales, and it works beautifully here. I highly recommend it for anyone who loves a good fairy tale and doesn’t mind them a bit bloody and grim.

Root of the Tudor Rose by Mari Griffith.  2/5.  After growing up sheltered in a convent, Catherine de Valois is thrust into the political spotlight upon marrying Henry V of England.  The marriage is a success--but Henry is almost immediately after the birth of his son and heir, leaving Catherine a young widow with little control over the infant king, despite being his mother.  Owen Tudor--essentially a servant, despite his storied Welsh heritage--comes into her life and sweeps her into a secret love affair that will scandalize the nation and lead to the founding of the Tudor dynasty.  I really wanted to love this book, and it was what it was: a romanticized account of Catherine de Valois’s life, accurate in some respects... not so much in others.  It was a romance novel, but not the type I enjoy--there’s no heat.  Catherine seems like a child and her men don’t seem like real men.  The sex scenes aren’t even detailed!  For shame!

#books #book roundup #book recommendations

[pens-and-parchment]

Hello bookworms! Today I’m doing my first (I think it’s my first??) book tag! I know this one’s a bit older and most people have done it already, but I feel like I have some unique opinions and really wanted to try it myself. Hopefully this won’t be boring for you guys!

I wasn’t actually tagged to do this, but I saw it most recently done by Book Princess Reviews, and loved it! So I took the liberty of just doing it myself, lol.

Here we go! You can click on the photos of each book to see their Goodreads page.

A Popular Book or Series that You Didn’t Like

Oh, how I just love to hate on a series that everyone else enjoys. Okay, that’s a bit harsh, since I didn’t actually hate this. I enjoyed the idea of the Zodiac planets and the people’s special characteristics, but the rest was one big flat-line for me. The main character was bland, the romance was an eye-roll, and I barely remember the rest. It’s probably not the most loved YA series, but more people seem to like it than I certainly did.

A Popular Book or Series that Everyone Else Seems to Hate but You Love

At the wee age of 13, I picked up Shadow and Bone, and fell in love—hard and fast. Ever since, my heart has belonged to the Grishaverse. It’s my home. I often see people complaining that the Grisha trilogy is not as good as Six of Crows, and a part of my soul shrivels up into a weak, dead thing. I definitely get why people don’t like this as much as SoC, but I can’t help mentally screaming, “THIS IS SUCH DISRESPECT FOR SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SERIES WHY DO YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS!!!” Moral of the story is: don’t criticize any part of the Grishaverse unless you want Mia to be very, very sad. 

An OTP You Don’t Like

To be frank, I didn’t care for most of this series, so I can’t blame it all on the romance. But as this series progressed, I cared for Kestrel and Arin less and less. *Spoiler Alert!!!* It was really the sequel that ruined it for me, and the perpetual tension of “will-they-won’t-they-get-back-together.” I really do like romantic tension, but in moderation. This spanned the length of the entire book, until it became implausible and ridiculous. After that, Kestrel and Arin were just annoying to me.

A Popular Book Genre that You Hardly Reach For

Probably historical fiction! I actually LOVE historical fiction, but have only read a handful of books in that genre. If you have any historically-based faves, send those recs my way!

A Popular/Beloved Character that You Do Not Like

I’m actually going to choose a character duo for this: Hanna and Nik. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Hanna and Nik, and love this series to death!! But compared to Kady and Ezra, Hanna and Nik left something to be desired. They fit the standard YA protagonist archetypes, and I felt like I had read about many Hannas and Niks before. Kady and Ezra, on the other hand, are a little quirky and have much more stylized personalities, so I preferred them a bit more.

A Popular Author You Can’t Seem to Get Into

I read Me and Earl and the Dying Girl a couple girls ago and, to be perfectly honest, despised it. Even now, I think it’s my least favorite book I’ve ever read. The weird jokes, second-hand embarrassment, and lack of obvious plot just were not for me. Interestingly enough however, I actually saw Jesse Andrews at YALLFest and thought he was hilarious in real life! But something about his writing style and characters doesn’t appeal to me.

A Popular Book Trope You’re Tired of Seeing

This one also took a little bit of thinking, since there are quite a few tropes I don’t like. But the one I’m choosing to complain about highlight today is: fake deaths. So many books (and movies/TV shows) kill off an important, usually endearing character around the halfway point. I can ALWAYS, 100% OF THE TIME, tell when the character’s not actually dead. To me, it sticks out like a sore thumb in the plot. I’m not shocked or even sad, because I just know the character’s going to come back. Then it becomes an irritating wait until the person miraculously shows up again.

A Popular Series You Have No Interest in Reading

I’m sort of cheating with this category, cause I actually read the first five books in The Mortal Instruments. But I really only liked the first three books, and now there are so many spin-offs and novellas, that I can’t keep up. Cassandra Clare was not my favorite to begin with, and I don’t have the mental or emotional energy to catch up with so many books in the same series. So I definitely won’t be reading these anytime soon.

The Saying Goes, “The Book is Always Better Than the Movie,” but What Movie or TV Show Adaptation Do You Prefer More Than the Book?

This one is actually quite easy for me. The Twilight series is definitely not a favorite of mine, I preferred the movies to the books because the plots always had more action. I mean, that plot-twist-not-really-a-plot-twist at the end of Breaking Dawn Part 2 had us all screaming in the theaters, but it was also a great way of allowing the audience to experience the climactic battle scene we never got in the book. And across all the movies, they omitted my number one issue with the books: Bella’s dreadful narration.

And that’s it! I’m not going to tag anyone, since most of people have probably already done this tag, or something like it. But I had a fun time ranting about my favorite likes and dislikes, so I hope you all had a fun time reading!

Do you agree or disagree with any of my bookish opinions? What would you put for each of these categories?

Find me on: Instagram | Twitter | Tumblr | Goodreads | Bloglovin

Unpopular Book Opinions Tag Hello bookworms! Today I'm doing my first (I think it's my first??) book tag! I know this one's a bit older and most people have done it already, but I feel like I have some unique opinions and really wanted to try it myself.

#bibliophile #book blog #books #bookworm #reading #YA literature