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#She's nice and made one very accurate point that had quite an impact on me but which I wasn't even aware of before
tardis--dreams · 3 years
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So I made another appointment with the mental health support of my university. Just to embarrass myself a bit more.
I don't even know how that's supposed to help. I mean, what can she do when I'm constantly just sabotaging myself but also am very aware of that...
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bookofmirth · 3 years
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I saw your recent response to an anon where you mentioned the drama that occurred the other day based around bookprofessor’s post. Obviously you don’t have to respond to this or publish it if you do not wish but I just wanted to bring up that while it is important to focus on the real life issues at hand, the OP was hypocritical in her post which is why people were getting upset. She was preaching against ableism while simultaneously flaunting her IQ and degree which is a form of ableism. She was speaking out against racism while ending her post using the racial slur “cracker” when talking about the possibly Caucasian Twitter elriels.
Obviously she had some important points but it was completely overshadowed by her participation in the hate speech and prejudice that she was speaking out against.
This does not in any way justify the nasty messages she received but on the same hand, I do not blame anyone that called her out for her hypocrisy. I hope you can understand why her post was so negatively received and how flawed it was. My hope is that one day everyone can just ignore the negativity, report those who are being racist/prejudiced in any way, and block those who are just being loud and who you don’t wish to see content from. But unfortunately I do not see that happening any time soon.
There are a few things I want to address in this because I think it's a good moment for the fandom to step back and reflect on how we treat one another, how we react to such issues, and how we behave moving forward.
First off, thanks for explaining your point of view without being antagonistic. I do think that everyone's emotional reactions to the post were valid. I do NOT think their responses, in terms of words and actions, were valid. Now before I move forward, I want to clarify that when I use the word "you", I am referring to anyone who may have had the response I am describing - not you personally, anon. Also please don’t freak out about how long this is, as a majority of it is a response to the fandom in general, not you in particular.
What was - and wasn’t - said in the original post
In this post, there were completely valid criticisms of the way that people in this fandom behave, and it wasn’t “generalizing” a certain group, it was literal, actual proof of things that had been said, by multiple people. I’m not going to get too into what Alyssa argued because her critiques of those tweets was flawless. The original post had very valid criticisms of what was happening on Twitter. Alyssa exposed the actually racist, homophobic, and imperialistic underpinnings of those tweets.
However, a lot of people are stuck on the bits before and after those critiques. @bookprofessor apologized for different aspects of her post in a few different asks. There were perhaps better ways that some of those things could have been phrased, some things that could have been left out. And she apologized. People can accept that apology or not but we can’t act like it didn’t happen. Like she didn’t reflect and learn to do better.
However, the people she was calling out have not done the same thing, and if anything, comments that focus more on Alyssa’s tone than why she wrote the post in the first place lets those people off the hook.
On cracker - Using the word "cracker" is not racist in the same way that using racial slurs against POC is. Is it prejudiced? Yes. But you cannot say that it is the same thing when that is demonstrably untrue, given centuries of oppressive history. No one has been oppressed for being white. Those are not the same. Reverse racism is not a thing because a white person punching down on POC is NOT AT ALL the same thing as a POC punching up at white people. The actions look the same, but the impact is so unequal it’s not even funny.
Racism is a systemic, institutionalized problem. It is not defined by individual actions, though those actions can either support or challenge racism. When someone calls a white person a cracker, there isn’t centuries of oppression giving power to and reinforcing that statement. That is not a “gotcha” moment.
Saying “I have x IQ” or “I have X degrees” is not ableist. I’m sorry to whoever told you it was ableist (again, not you specifically anon but people who had read the “aw shucks guys” vagueblogs about it), but it’s not. Those are facts. I have no idea what my IQ is, but I have five degrees from institutions of higher education. Me saying that is in no way ableist. 
Often, people mention those things to be elitist, yes. Sometimes, they can be used to say “hey I know more about this than you”. They can be used in a way that tries to make themselves feel superior. I suspect that this is the impression that a lot of people got of the post. However, there is a fine line between saying “hey that’s elitist” and professing anti intellectualism. Which is perhaps a side issue so I’ll let that go for now.
Another reason that people mention their degrees or qualifications is to establish their background knowledge and credibility. If I were to say “hey y’all I have two MA degrees” (which is true) I am not being ableist! It is a fact! It is factual! And I worked my ass off for those, I will be in student loan debt until I die for those, I have every right to mention them if I want to, and often I do so in order to establish my credibility, to explain the position I am coming from. And my prior knowledge of these topics is relevant when we are talking about literature since that’s what my degrees were on - literature and linguistics. That is why Alyssa mentioned her background, though she did pair it with comments about other people, for which she has apologized.
My final point about this is that I 1000% understand feeling insecure or less than because of educational attainment. I dropped out of high school. I had a complex about that for a long, long time. But I also know that if I took offense at someone else saying they had a PhD, then that offense is about me, not them. Someone else’s inferiority complex is not reason for people to pretend to be less than they are.
If those two comments are what overshadowed the bigger, more important issue for a lot of the readers of that post, then y’all allowed them to overshadow those more important issues. I am 99% sure that someone right now is reading this and thinking “but Leslie, it was the way that she said it!” Boy have I got some news for you!
How we react
This next section is not specific to this ask; instead, it is a discussion of how the fandom responded. If it were only one person who had said “but her tone” then I wouldn’t need to make this point. The fact that multiple people are exhibiting the behavior explained below is what makes this a cultural problem within the acotar fandom.
The main argument I saw on the post itself, and indeed any time I see people bring up how nasty Twitter can be, is that “it was a joke” and “that’s how stan Twitter works”.
No.
Those responses were quite useful for this post, though! So buckle up everyone, because I am going to talk about gaslighting, racism, respectability politics, and tone policing. While I understand that some people might have taken personal offense to what was said, there is a much bigger issue at stake that has nothing to do with individual feelings, and everything to do with ensuring that POC stay silenced and white supremacy is upheld. 
Back to the “but it’s a joke” thing. Thanks for gaslighting! Great example of that, person I’m not going to tag! Gaslighting is when you make someone question their experiences, when you try to make them think “wait, did I really feel that way? Is my feeling about that valid? Do I need to re-evaluate my response to this?? Am I blowing this out of proportion???” And saying “it’s just a joke” is a perfect way to do that. Did I say something accidentally sexist? It’s just a joke, nbd! Now you’re the problem, because you didn’t understand my joke and laugh!!! 
Saying “it’s a joke” or “oh they are old/young/ignorant, they will learn” is not a good response to... anything. It takes the responsibility off the people who are doing the harm, and putting it onto the people who were hurt. And in this case, anyone who read those tweets and found them harmful (which should be everyone?) is completely valid. You aren’t lesser for being angry or emotional or for seeing a problem where other people saw a joke. The people who see those things as acceptable jokes are the ones in the wrong.
This is a tactic that is used against women all the time. Any time a woman is sexually harassed at work or online, for example, and she gets upset about it, and someone chimes in with “oh they weren’t serious, can’t you take a joke?” So you can imagine what this is like for women of color.
It is a very, very common tactic for people of color to be silenced via tone policing and respectability politics. Tone policing and respectability politics are very closely related, especially in this context. The idea is that if Alyssa had just written that post in just the right way, it would have been more palatable to white people, and therefore okay to write. The idea that if she had tried to be “understanding” or “see it from their perspective” or understand that it’s “just a joke” are all ways to silence and de-legitimize any accurate, valid criticisms that were made of those tweets. It effectively re-routes the conversation away from the real issues, and to the person trying to bring them up. It’s essentially an ad hominem attack in disguise. 
We see respectability politics in media when people of color who act or dress or speak like white people are afforded more respect. Or any time that a person of color is pulled over and people say, “well if they had just done what the police officer asked...” There is a pervasive idea that if people just “act” properly, aka if you act white, then the police won’t feel antagonized and try to kill arrest you. If we are nice enough, meek enough, smile enough, etc. then we will be accepted.
When we tone police, we refuse to allow marginalized people the right to be angry. We say that "hey, we can only have this discussion if you leave emotion, which you rightfully feel, at the door, and we can only continue this discussion if you behave in a way that makes me feel comfortable." But guess what? It isn’t about you! These discussions are often highly uncomfortable. There is no nice way to tell someone they are being racist. And yet somehow, that is the ever-moving goalpost. It seems reasonable, right? “Just be civil, be nice, don’t insult each other!” And there is that. But those criteria change constantly, to the point where anyone (white) at any time can say “WHOA WHOA THIS IS MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE???” Then we find ourselves at zero, and suddenly the focus of attention has shifted away from the actual problem.
Before we go further, I want to say this: people have a right to be angry. They do not need to make their anger palatable or tasteful for the consumption of others (read: white people). 
We saw this last summer, and I’m not sure how the message didn’t get across. But people are rightfully angry about racism. They are angry about the murder of people of color by police, they are angry about lack of quality education, or clean water, of centuries of oppression that have led to this very moment when all of that ceases to matter because a white woman’s feelings got hurt one time. 
And that is what pisses me off so much. There is no way in this world that we could criticize tweets like those that everyone would agree with, and that everyone would “approve” of, that would be “nice” enough and yet still be impactful and make the authors of those tweets understand the gravity of what they have done. 
The least we can do is allow one another to express our anger, our outrage, because it’s highly likely that those people know exactly what the fuck they are doing, and they do not fucking care. By criticizing a woman of color for the way in which she chose to engage with this topic, we are avoiding the issue and letting the people in those tweets off the hook. 
There were many responses to that post that were positive, that agreed with Alyssa. There are a ton of people who disagree with those tweets, who find them disgusting, who understand exactly how and why they are problematic. That should be what we are talking about. Getting to the core of the argument, on that post or any about racism or other problematic behavior in fandom, requires getting past our own egos. It requires us to be able to step back, say “hm this thing is frustrating but there is a bigger picture here”. It’s not easy, and I recognize that. 
The fact that it is a common tactic though? To say “hey this hurt me personally and so I’m going to ignore any valid points you made?” That feeds directly into centuries of white supremacy because it, once again, silences POC and makes them try to play a losing game. And they will always lose, because no matter how hard they try to play the white game, the goalposts are constantly shifting. So you know what? Fuck the game, and fuck respectability politics, and fuck tone policing and “uwu be nice guys” because when it comes to things like racism and sexism, I don’t expect the people who deserve to be criticized to be nice. In fact, trying to be nice only serves to fuck POC over in the end.
Indeed, in response to that post, certain blogs have taken the opportunity to position themselves as “the nice ones” or “the ones who would never” or “uwu let’s be nice guys” while completely ignoring the fact that a woman of color was attacked for calling out racism. And yes - that was the point of her post. People getting hung up on mentions of her degree are (intentionally or not, it doesn’t matter) completely obfuscating the fact that that is not what her post was about, which was to call out disgusting behavior. idk how many words the post actually was, but essentially, people are focusing on 5% of it to the detriment of the 95% that was actually really important shit. These types of vagueblog posts about the issue fall into exactly what I am talking about - these are people who have decided to look at this issue, see how Alyssa (and anyone else who dares speak up) has approached it, and intentionally try to act like they are “better” because they can be “rational” and “kind”. Newsflash, if you don’t have something to be angry about, then being “nice” about racism isn’t that much of a flex. If it didn’t bother you, then congratulations. That doesn’t make you better than people it did bother. You just got lucky this time, and decided to use that to your advantage to look like the good guy.
I am not saying that all calls for peace are doing this. Obviously it’s what we all want. This is the worst I have seen this fandom in the 4+ years I’ve been here. But we cannot have that by ignoring the real problems and pretending that if we are all just nice to each other, then we will solve racism and sexism and all bullying in the fandom will stop. 
So combining all of this - the gaslighting, the tone policing, and what do you get? You get a fandom that refuses to actually engage critically with its own problems and take accountability for them. You get a fandom that decides that it’s easier to be distracted by this one mean comment over here than it is to engage in the fact that you know what, the culture in this fandom has actually turned incredibly disgusting and a lot of people are just okay with it. You’ve got a fandom that is using the tools of white supremacy to avoid the discussions that should actually be taking place. Maybe people don’t realize that that’s what they are doing. But if someone still thinks that after reading this post, then godspeed my friend, I hope you enjoy Twitter.
Okay so my last thing I want to say is that I didn’t come to all of this knowledge fresh from the womb. I do a lot of work, in my personal life and my professional life, to be better. So here is a list of books that I have found particularly helpful:
How to Be An Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi
Stamped From the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America also by Ibram X. Kendi
White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo (side note, I was kinda meh about this one but the chapter “White Women’s Tears” is particularly helpful)
So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo
Black Feminist Thought: Knowledge, Consciousness, and the Politics of Empowerment by Patricia Hill Collins
I’m not going to talk specifically about Alyssa’s post anymore, but if anyone wants to continue talking about these broader issues going on in the fandom, I am game. (I really should be grading papers though, so it might take a bit.)
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sisterspooky1013 · 3 years
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Only One Choice, Part 2, Chapter 16
Read it here on AO3 / Tagging @today-in-fic
May passes into June and they quietly acknowledge that it has been one year since the day Mulder walked into the autopsy bay. They spend their weekends watching movies, making love, and hanging out with the Gunmen, Missy often in attendance as she and Byers become somewhat of an item. Every other Sunday they have lunch with her mother, Mulder meeting Bill by way of an awkward phone call and a promise that they will come out to visit San Diego sometime soon. The moratorium on weekday overnights fades away and the days they spend in each other’s beds begin to outnumber those that they don’t.
One day in early August, Mulder laments how lonely Priscilla gets when he’s gone for the night, crying and following him from room to room when he comes home and plaguing him with guilt. Scully suggests that he bring her over with him, setting up a litter box and food bowl in an unused corner of the living room. Without the daily need to care for a cat, he spends more and more time at her apartment, his suits taking over half her closet and his T-shirts occupying one of her drawers. He still has his fish to feed and so they can tell themselves that they don’t technically live together, though it’s been weeks since anyone slept at his apartment. The excitement of new love gives way to the familiar comfort of domesticity, questions about their lives prior to meeting morphing into what they’re having for dinner and whether someone can pick up toilet paper on the way home from work. They each visit the doctor for a full workup and, everything coming back clear, stop using condoms, relying on the progestin shot Scully goes in for every three months to prevent pregnancy.
Far from boring, they find worthy sparring partners in one another, debating everything from whether the moon landing was a hoax to the merits of String Theory, arguing their points of view passionately before they agree to disagree and then let their clothes fall to the floor. They discover the things they love best about one another; Mulder’s unrelenting curiosity and Scully’s bottomless compassion, as well as those they like the least; his forgetfulness when he’s focused on something and her tendency to shut him out when she’s upset. Whether completing a crossword puzzle together or watching Jeopardy, they embrace the ways that they are different and how they balance one another out; his creativity to her order, her planning to his impulsivity, his acceptance to her skepticism. Yin and yang, tall and small, bold and tempered; there is a completeness in their union that makes them each feel whole.
Even in their intensity and their commitment, Mulder has never again uttered the words ‘I love you’ and Scully has never said them at all. Far from a red flag or a hesitance to be vulnerable, they simply don’t feel the need to express it aloud. She knows he loves her when he drives forty minutes out of his way to pick up her favorite donuts or reads the latest issue of JAMA just so he can discuss the articles with her. He knows she loves him when she indulges him in theoretical discussions on the mating rituals of Sasquatch, not bothering to point out that the creature doesn’t exist, or wastes entire Saturdays watching movies that were bad enough to earn Razzies because he finds poorly made films entertaining.
Scully has never met Mulder’s parents, accepting his explanation that his mother is cold and his father distant, which is why she feels caught off guard when he calls her at work on a Tuesday to tell her that his mother had a stroke, and he is on his way to the hospital. He doesn’t ask her for anything, but she leaves work anyway, approaching the reception desk of the emergency department with a level of calm only a doctor is capable of.
“I’m looking for Teena Mulder, she should have been admitted within the last few hours,” she says to the young woman behind the desk.
“Yes, she’s here,” the woman answers, “but visiting hours don’t start until 4:00 and someone is already with her now. Are you family?” The woman looks at her expectantly.
“Um, no, I’m not,” she replies, not bothering to explain that Tenna Mulder is her boyfriend’s mother, who she’s never met.
“You can take a seat then,” the woman says with a well-practiced smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.
She finds an empty seat and pulls in a deep breath, taking out her cell phone in hopes she can reach Mulder, though cell reception in hospitals is notoriously bad.
“Excuse me, are you Dana?” someone says from a few seats away, and she turns to see an older man, perhaps in his sixties, with receding dark brown hair and tired bags under his eyes.
“Yes,” she replies, eyeing him skeptically as he rises from his seat and takes the one just beside her.
“I’m Bill Mulder, Fox’s father,” he says, offering his hand.
She takes it, scanning him for similarities to Mulder and finding none, other than his complexion and hair color.
“Oh, hello, it’s nice to meet you Mr. Mulder,” she stumbles, a bit confused. As Mulder tells it, his parents are divorced and not on friendly terms.
“Please, you can call me Bill,” he says with a small smile, and she nods. “Fox is with her now, though I don’t think she’s awake,” he offers.
They sit in awkward silence, Scully realizing she has absolutely no information with which to start a conversation. Mulder has told her nothing about his parents, aside from the details relevant to his sister’s abduction. She doesn’t know what Bill Mulder does, or did, for a living, or where he lives. Just when she’s considering going home, Mulder emerges from a set of double doors.
He was clearly looking for his father, but when he sees Scully his eyebrows knit and his chin puckers in relief. She stands and he scoops her up, squeezing her so tight it hurts.
“Thank you for coming,” he whispers hoarsely into her ear.
They part, hands clasped, and he addresses his father.
“Mom just woke up, you can go see her soon, but since Scully is here I’d like to take her back first.”
Scully gives him an incredulous look.
“Mulder, I’m sure your mom doesn’t want to meet me for the first time from a hospital bed,” she pleads.
“I know, but I want you to look at her chart. I just want to make sure that what the doctors are saying is accurate,” he says with desperate eyes, and she nods.
He leads her back through the double doors and into a room where a tall white-haired woman is reclining in the bed, an oxygen cannula tucked under her nose. While she saw little resemblance between Mulder and his father, the likeness to his mother is almost jarring; her stately nose and hooded eyes curating in Scully an immediate fondness for her. She blinks slowly at them, confusion furrowing her brow.
“Mom, this is Dana,” he says, and her expression shifts into one that is slightly pained.
She attempts to speak, one side of her mouth rooting for words that she can’t quite find.
“Hi Mrs. Mulder, I’m sorry we’re meeting under these circumstances,” Scully offers, “I’m a medical doctor, Fox asked me to take a look at your chart, if that’s okay?”
Teena nods and closes her eyes, and Scully goes to retrieve her chart from near the door. After she’s looked it over, they say goodbye and return to the lobby to find Mulder’s father.
“Go ahead, Dad, I’ll see you in there,” Mulder says, and then walks Scully to her car.
“So, what do you think?” he asks as they stand next to her open car door, worry crumpling his features.
“I don’t see anything out of the ordinary, Mulder. Her stroke was significant, you can see that by the degree to which it’s impacting her speech and gross motor function. It shouldn't get any worse, but she’ll need to go through rehab, and likely need some in-home care for a bit until we know the long term impact. It’s very possible that she’ll be able to continue living independently, but not right away.”
Mulder heaves a big sigh and nods. “I’m gonna stay here for a bit, but I think I’ll be home before you go to bed.”
“Of course, whatever you need,” she replies, bringing her palm to his cheek. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I think so. Thank you, again, for coming down here. You didn’t have to.”
“Mulder, of course I did,” she says with concern. “I’ll see you when you get home, okay?”
He kisses her one, two, three times, pulling her close for a beat, clinging to her for dear life.
“I love you,” he chokes out, and she hugs him tighter.
“I love you too,” she replies, her chin tucked tight into the crook of his neck.
When he releases his grip on her, she brings her hands to his jaw, brushing her thumbs over his cheeks.
“We’ll get through this, okay? We’ll figure it out,” she assures him, and he nods tersely.
———
She’s in bed reading, Priscilla curled up on her stomach, when she hears the thunk of the deadbolt.
“Mulder?” she calls out, and he pokes his head through the door.
“I’m gonna take a quick shower, I’ll be in in a minute,” he says, then disappears again.
He returns ten minutes later, shower-fresh and warm. She sets her book aside to envelop him in her arms, his head finding a home on her chest as his arms snake around her ribcage.
“How is she?” she asks as she strokes her fingers through his hair and down his neck soothingly.
“The same,” he says with a defeated tone, “they might release her to rehab tomorrow.”
“And how are you?” she asks, giving his neck a little squeeze.
He groans. “I don’t know. I’ve been thinking a lot.”
“About your mom?”
“No,” he says, propping up on his elbow to look at her, “about life, I guess.”
She lifts her eyebrows expectantly, waiting for him to continue.
“I don’t want to toil away in the BSU for the rest of my life, Scully. If I die tomorrow, what will I have to show for it?”
She frowns at him sympathetically.
“You make a difference in the BSU, Mulder. You help catch murderers, prevent further loss of life. It may not seem like it because you’re so far removed from the people it impacts, but you do.”
He flops back onto the bed, eyes on the ceiling.
“You’re probably right, but it still feels pretty pointless.”
“What would you rather be doing?” she asks gently, rolling on to her side to face him.
“Honestly?” he steals a glance at her before continuing, “investigating The X Files. Making progress in understanding what happened to my sister. Working to expose those who are responsible for the coverup of secret government operations.”
“Maybe you should talk to AD Skinner, try again. Maybe The X files could be reopened,” she says softly, brushing her palm over his arm.
Mulder shakes his head. “Nothing has changed, Scully. They won’t let me operate without a partner and no one wants to work with me.”
“I’d work with you, but that’s against bureau policy,” she says with a small smile, and he looks at her with an affectionate gaze.
“I’m sure you’d have a field day debunking all my work,” he says coyly.
“I would never,” she retorts sarcastically.
He rolls back towards her, pulling her close with her head tucked under his chin.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he says, his voice full of emotion.
“Well you do have me, so there’s no point in thinking about it,” she replies.
He sighs deeply, reaching past her to turn off the bedside lamp, and they sleep.
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delyth88 · 3 years
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Thoughts after rewatching Episode 4
Okay, so I took a couple of days to get over the excruciating cringeworthyness of a few many moments in episode 4 and have just finished rewatching it.
And I have to say thank goodness for whatever it is in the human brain that allows us to adapt! lol No, but srsly, I found it a much easier watch the second time, and its definitely keeping up the trend of the first three episodes of being something I can enjoy more the second time than the first.
So, my now somewhat less instant reaction thoughts:
I hadn’t noticed that it’s Sylvie that initiates the hand holding on Lamentis 1.  And I think I prefer this.  One thing I can’t stand is romance in TV or film where it’s all about the guy winning over the girl, like she’s clearly not interested, but somehow by the end of the movie she’s in love.  Okay, that’s a bit harsh, sometimes it’s done well, but it’s a convention that gets my hackles up and gets me all defensive, so I think I was taking some of this into the episode with me.
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Interestingly, now that I’m thinking of it, I think this moment and the moment Sylvie asks if Loki is okay while they’re being escorted by the guards are the only moments I can recall where she showed any form of affection for him. *shrugs* 
Poor boy also seems so surprised at this.  And uncertain how to respond.  And I can’t help but see this in relation to the scene in Thor 1 where the frost giant grabs his forearm...  :’(
I also think another part of the reason I so disliked the romance on my first watch is that it was just another example of Loki over-doing the emotion thing in comparison to his previous characterisation. He certainly looks more into it than Sylvie, and this just bugs me, because again I think the way Sylvie is acting here is what I would have expected from Loki based on the films.
In the time prison, while I still don’t like the getting kicked in the crotch gimmick, I do like that they showed us Loki attempting to get out of the situation in what seems quite a reasonable way.  He explains the situation to Sif and asks for her help to escape.  I thought it was quite interesting, because we see his first instinct is to use his skills of persuasion and try to escape. Firstly because it’s an instance where he’s trying to plot an escape, not just avoiding her or fighting her. I like that he seems to have some hope that this is possible and isn’t just 100% resigned to the TVA being all-powerful.  And secondly, he speaks to Sif as a person, he doesn’t just treat her like some sort of solid hologram and try and knock her out, or stand by the door to make a surprise attack.  It doesn’t work, of course, and we’re supposed to find that funny, but at least he tried in a plausible way onscreen. unlike IW  And he asks her to trust him.  Which I found interesting because if he’s asking this then he must think there’s some chance that she will, which means there’s at least some level of respect between them.  And I like that.  I know I’m reading way too much into this that the writers certainly didn’t intend, but let me play over here.
I still don’t like the narcissist line.  But I think I can buy Loki exaggerating in his confession to get her to stop.  He doesn’t seem to be really particularly bothered by what he’s saying.  But when she walks out and says he will always be alone, even after what he’s just said, that seems to have an impact on him.
I do love this image though. He looks so smol. So sweet.
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When Mobius retrieves Loki from the time prison after the first time, I can see after a second watch that Mobius is actually a little angry/disappointed that Loki ran off after the variant in Roxxcart.  Its subtle well subtler than Loki’s reactions so I hadn’t noticed.
I still dislike the way they did the romance thing.  The interrogation scene where Loki’s all “eww no, I don’t like her!” and then has this realisation that perhaps he does.  I felt like I was being beaten around the head with it.  Like teenagers teasing someone for liking someone else. smh
I’m also reminded that the English language really isn’t very good when it comes to words for ‘liking’ someone. I mean the UK seems to have ‘to fancy’ which would be more accurate, but gotta say I’m glad they didn’t use that here.
I still hate that Loki seems utterly unable to keep a secret or hide his emotions. To me this was a fundamental part of his character, and yet here we have Mobius calling him out because he can’t help but have this pained expression on his face and can’t keep his voice steady.  Black Widow wouldn’t have had to spend more than a minute with this variant of Loki.
Mobius: “What are you doing?”
Loki: “Passing the time.”
This line made me laugh this time.  Sassy Loki!
I still like the slightly veiled way Mobius apologises to Loki for saying he’s only destined to be the villain to make other people better. Nice, not too over the top. Makes Loki smile.
That animatronic timekeeper stuff was just weird.  There better be some good payoff for this in the next two episodes.
And now to the bit I hated the most on my first watch – that super cringey interrupted confession of feelings.
Looking at this again with fresh eyes I wonder if Loki was about to explain Mobius’s theory that their moment on Lamentis 1 might be able to destroy the TVA.  It just got awkward because to explain that he’d have to explain how he feels.  And I think they exaggerated that to make the impact of the pruning bigger.  
First he says “then who created the TVA?”  Then he turns away and he seems to be looking around for inspiration, and I think he’s actually thinking about this.  It wasn’t just rhetorical. We can see the moment he realises something, and he doesn’t seem particularly happy about it, and then he turns back to Sylvie.
“Sylvie, I have to tell you something.”
“We will figure this out.” I think this is an aside after he’s taken in how upset she is about this. And it’s true that if they take down the TVA then they probably have to learn who’s in charge eventually. And then he gets back to his original point.
“Because… er… back on Lamentis…” I think here he’s trying to find a way to explain that their moment caused the nexus event, and a big one at that, but he’s struggling to do so in a way that doesn’t make him completely vulnerable by telling her how he feels. But it’s not possible to talk about it so clinically, so he hesitates, “This is new for me…”  he realises he doesn’t actually know quite how to put this.
Now, if I can rationalise it in this way as being an important piece of information he needed to tell her that would help them bring down the TVA then I can be more okay with this than if it was just a poorly timed romantic confession (which is certainly what it appeared to be on first watch). Again, I’m probably clutching at straws here, but it helps me not want to gag while watching this. lol
I mean I still think it’s just a cringey awful scene and it’s so very cliche to interrupt someone before they can say ‘I love you’. But this is a way I can rationalise his actions and I’ll stick with this till proven otherwise, presumably in the next episode. Ha!
I can’t help but give a nod to another beautiful example of Tom’s eyes matching his shirt in the mid-credits scene. <3
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I also think that what I’m experiencing watching each episode the first time is much more from Loki’s point of view.  Like I’m more personally invested in him doing well, him not being embarrassed, him looking good to others.  And so since the story is actually giving him a hell of a time I’m experiencing a lot of negative feelings on his behalf.  And this is because it’s unfolding in real time in front of me and in that moment it could go anywhere! So it feels more real perhaps??  On a second watch I know what’s coming and I’m able to watch it with an eye for the storytelling as a whole, not just as the real events of Loki’s life.  I don’t think I’ve been this much of a fan of any character in recent times to have experienced this before.  So it’s a fascinating thing to learn about being a fan. *shrugs*
Anyway, in summary, much more bearable on second watch.  Some good stuff in there, and I can ignore a good amount of the stuff I didn’t like – at least until next week.
So again I’m sorta somewhere in between loving and hating this show.
@iamanartichoke​ @scintillatingshortgirl19​ maybe some of this is useful to you?
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urmyonly-vision · 3 years
Text
Plums and Awkward Encounters
Warnings: my first imagine, awkward??, fluff, slow burn, a meet cute?
Pairing: Bucky x black!reader
Words: 2.2k
The 2pm sun beat down on you hard as you carried your grocery bags under your arms. The concrete beneath you seemed to radiate that heat back to you. Even the bustling traffic on your left didn't seem to help the temperature.
Who would be crazy enough to drive in this weather? Let alone walk. Heatwaves in New York City were the worst things to ever happen. Only the brave survived. You chuckled to yourself as you imagined people melting just like the ice cream you had left on your counter last night. 
After a few steps, you paused to reshuffle your bags and the headphones in your ears. You could feel pools of sweat gathering under your arms. For a moment, you became scared that the wetness would tear the paper and the groceries would fall out.
Adela, the shopkeeper had offered to double bag but you had mumbled an incoherent answer about ‘wasting paper; while you fanned yourself with a stack of greeting cards at the till. She had simply laughed and shouted after you ‘Come back if you need more, my sweet!’.
So you had picked up your cross to bear the walk home. After a while, the music in your ears changed from the acoustic sounds to a swelling jazz noise that startled you. In alarm and confusion, you fumbled in your back pocket to decrease the volume, forgetting that your groceries relied on your arms. Your tinned cans, frozen dumplings and a punnet of plums tumbled out of your bag, displaying a very obvious and a very damp hole at the bottom of your bag.
A car hooted near-by with young guys as your face became even hotter when one of them shouted ‘Ay sweetheart! You need some help?’ They sped off leaving you angry, wishing that you had taken Adela’s offer
In dismay, you took out your headphones and tucked them in your back pocket to hear someone else shouting just behind you. For a moment you wondered whether it was one of those boys, coming back to hassle you further, This was New York after all. 
‘Excuse me?’ ‘Miss!’ This time you turned around to see a tall man bounding down the steps of a red brick apartment building. His brown hair flowed against his chin and his white long sleeve tee and dark grey jean shorts bore specks of green paint. 
‘Hey’. He said as he finally reached you, momentarily breathless after jogging to you. 
You stood and simply said ‘Hey….. Um..?’ You waited for the man to speak.
You did your best to hide your damp armpits from his blue eyes by crossing your arm around your other bag
‘Yeah sorry, um.. I just wanted to give you a couple of your plums that… rolled my way’. He had waved his hand to his side to demonstrate the roll. More importantly, you noticed a gloved hand on his left hand.
‘Oh, thank you’ You smiled tiredly and snapped your eyes back to him, realising that you had been looking. ‘How did they even get that far?’ You sighed and rolled your eyes chuckling with him.
He continued to chuckle as he dropped the plums in your hand and said ‘Well… you had a pretty determined face as you were walking’. 
You laughed, knowing the face he meant. ‘Well, I don't think I can stay in this heat for any much longer... so it was that, or suffer slowly’ you mentioned.
‘Oh yeah… of course!’ ‘Here, let me help you’. The tall stranger started to gather the various tins and the packet that had fallen by your feet. 
You had been standing next to him as you tucked the other bag further into your arm. You started to awkwardly lean down to help him pick up the last few tins when he suddenly stood up, his forehead meeting your chin. The pain flooded your tongue as you accidentally bit on it on impact.
‘Oh my God! ‘Oh my God, I am so sorry’ the stranger repeated. ‘I am so sorry miss’. ‘Here, lemme, get you something for that! Ice is good’. He started to fumble in his back pocket until he realised the stupidity of his actions. 
Redness flooded his face. ‘Um, I’ll just run back to my place. I'm pretty sure i've got some ice sitting in the back of my freezer’. He awkwardly rubbed his hands on his jeans, walking backwards, until you nodded, prompting him to say a soft ‘okay’.
He left as soon as he had arrived, leaving you on the sidewalk with your groceries still lying by your feet. You were considering placing the rest of your food in the other bag as you heard hurried footsteps bound towards you again. Looking up, the brown haired stranger was holding out this time a bag of ice cubes.
You tried to smile this time but it didn't quite reach your eyes. You should have been more grateful but you couldn't help thinking just how… tiresome your day had been so far. 
He placed his hands on his hips, signalling his hand to his apartment. ‘So… do you want to come in and sit down for a bit? You’ve got blood on your lip’
Your hand instinctively went to touch your lip and drew back to look at your crimson fingers. He was right. Even still. This man was a complete stranger. You didn't know him! Was he using that as a pick up line to get you to….
‘Oh wow! I am so sorry. I regretted that as soon as I opened my mouth’ he started apologising again, as if he had read your mind.
You smiled softly as the ice began numbing your lip and said ‘no its okay, I should really get going.’ ‘My food isnt going to walk to my apartment’. 
You started the ritual again, of putting the food in the other bag when you realised that a hole was forming in that one too. Tall guy followed your eyes and said softly ‘Hey, please. Let me at least help you get home’. He started to reach his arm out in the busy traffic when you stopped him and said ‘no, it's okay, my apartment isn't that far away’.
He scratched the back of his neck again and his dark eyes glinted, catching the name of the grocer printed on the bag ‘Adela’s Deli and Grocery’. Before you registered what was going on, he had started running in the direction that you had walked from, shouting ‘I’ll be right back!’.
This time, you really gave up. You had just spent an extra ten minutes outside in the heat that you weren't planning on. You gathered the rest of your things and walked to his apartment building steps. With a sigh, you sat down with resignation, not really knowing what else to do. 
As you stared at your definitely melted dumplings, you heard the jazz music that had surprised you before. Had it been playing all this time? It was so much louder before!
You looked behind your shoulder and took a deep breath in. Wet paint filled your nostrils and for the first time today, you felt still. You closed your eyes, the music seemed to drown the traffic and the smell of paint distracted you from the pain in your mouth. You must have looked a mess.
You quickly realised that the stranger was the one who had made you stop in alarm. His loud jazz music had frightened you and… and if it wasn’t for him you wouldn’t be sitting on his steps; sweaty, bloody and with 2 torn bags. Actually… the bags had been your fault, so the handsome guy was excused from that equation. Wait.You found him handsome? ‘Y/N!’ you sighed to yourself with your eyes still closed, ashamed that your brain had subconsciously led you to this conclusion. You continued to silently scold yourself for feeling mushy about a stranger helping you who just happened to be handsome. He couldn't help it! Also, where had he gone? And why were you still sitting on his steps like a squatter? You started to wonder about his one gloved hand. Did he have a medical condition? Also, who wore long sleeves in this weather?
**************************************************************************************
Handsome man had stopped running when his apartment building came into view and he saw you sat down on his steps. He inhaled sharply as he saw your face angled towards the sky, the sun hitting your cheekbones perfectly, the light hitting your curls and shoulders to create a perfect silhouette of a shadow behind you. His heart beat faster as he approached you.
***************************************************************************************
Someone cleared their throat. You were still in a closed trance when you heard it again followed with a deep but soft ‘Hey’.
Your eyes blinked open to reveal handsome guy standing in front of you, now slightly sweaty, holding out 3 bags with Adela’s shop's name on them. 
‘You… you ran to Adela’s in this heat?’ You said, clearly astonished.
 ‘Ah.. yeah its not that far, only 3 blocks away.’ He looked embarrassed at the sudden attention.
There was a pause as you both looked at each other. His face with a slight smile and yours with a smile too, though yours must have been more puffy and swollen. 
‘Oh…. um here.’ He gave you two bags and with the third he started to pick up your groceries from his steps. Unprompted. You started to wonder whether your friend Maddie’s perception of NYC men being ungentlemanly, was accurate.
You started to transfer the other groceries when you remembered you hadn't said thank you. Not properly anyway.
‘Thank you so much by the way… this was really nice of you’ You began.‘You didn't have to run all the way and back...but thank you’. You had started to trip over your words so you decided to stop yourself there. 
Handsome man simply looked up to meet your Y/E/C eyes, smiled and said ‘it was the right thing to do.’
You must have had a mini blackout at that point because the man was standing at the bottom of the steps next, reaching out his free hand, still smiling and said ‘I’m Bucky by the way’.
You extended yours, smiled and said ‘Nice to meet you, I’m Y/N’.
You had joined him at the bottom of the steps when he said ‘So, I’ll help you get these to your place’. ‘We wouldn't want another casualty on our hands now would we’. 
‘How altruistic of you’. This time you laughed properly. 
Bucky thought it was the most wonderful thing he had heard all month.
Leading the way, you both started to say ‘So, um’. You both chuckled at the synchronicity. You talked mostly while Bucky listened. You both talked about the weather, and you told him how disappointed you were this morning to find that your cookie dough ice cream had melted all over your counter. He started to say how his favourite flavour was vanilla with chopped plums on the side when you said.
‘I couldn't have vanilla because the soy ones taste awful’. 
Stopping in his tracks he said ‘What? You don’t eat dairy? Ever?’
‘Ever’ you laughed. ‘Though sometimes cheese is my weakness. 
‘Oh man’. Bucky started to chuckle ‘I don't blame you! Pasta and pizza would be nowhere without cheese!’.
You had now reached your front door when you said ‘Well. This is me…. Thanks for everything, Bucky’.
Bucky waved his free arm as if to say it was nothing. He waited until you had found your key in your back pocket and had opened the front door. You placed your bag inside the door and turned around to see Bucky handing you the one he had carried for you.
‘So.. um well. It was nice meeting you.’ He nervously looked down at your mouth ‘I’m really sorry about your mouth too’.
‘Please no, don't be.. takes two to tango’. You cringed inwardly and cursed yourself as you took your bag from his arms and placed it inside. 
Bucky looked amused to say the least as he chuckled at your innuendo. He now felt he had to say something profound. Anything to make you want to see him again as much as he wished to see you. Would that have been weird? He thought he felt a connection between you. He started to scold himself that this was the 21st century. And everything was different. 
He cleared his throat and started… ‘So, I was wondering if I could see you again?’ Would that be okay?’
You were shocked. A handsome guy was asking to see you. Little old you. You started to nod and said ‘Yeah, sure.’ ‘Well, we both know where we live’. You almost slapped yourself for not offering your number instead of opening your mouth.
‘Oh yeah, pretty sure there's some stray plums marking my door right now’ He laughed. 
Your eyes met again with a pause. Bucky wanted to stare at you all day. Until he remembered… His front door. He had left it open all this time. 
Bucky started to run back. Again, but this time, with panic in his dark blue eyes. ‘I’ll see you soon, doll’, he shouted.
You grasped the railing outside and as you headed inside, you exhaled and smiled.
Hey everyone! Thanks for making it this far if you have. Im basically new to writing imagines so I would love any ideas or feedback you may have. I would also love some friends on here so HI :)
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AHSDHFHHJKKHD
THE QUEEN’S GAMBIT. WAS SO FUCKING GOOD. 
[spoilers below if you haven’t seen it and you want to]
Here are some of my (not in any particular order) bullet points. This is gonna be long as hell because, you know, brain dumps amiright
First off, Anya Taylor-Joy’s acting. Is just incredible. In particular moments, you can tell what she’s thinking with a simple hand gesture or with the tiniest raise of an eyebrow. She develops Beth’s signature facial expressions and movements throughout the show, and you just feel like you know her. And during her chess matches, sometimes it feels like she’s staring into your soul. Especially when she gives that badass chin-on-the-hands look and she knows she’s going to win. Powerful energy.
Secondly, I fucking knew I recognized Harry Beltik from somewhere else but my mom didn’t BELIEVE me and then I looked up the actor and he’s DUDLEY DURSLEY, I WAS RIGHT MOTHER, I WAS RIGHT
I love love love how they didn’t make, like, a major romantic plotline. Beth doesn’t end up with a partner - she ends with a bunch of super supportive friends that have her back by the time she gets to Moscow, and like, she has a crush on Townes but they end up being just like super good and healthy friends and I love it?? So much?? Thank you producers
Townes. Just, in general. I really like his character, he’s super nice and his voice is oddly soothing
BORGOV. I LOVE BORGOV. HE IS SO GODDAMN RESPECTFUL. Like, he seemed like a very cold character at first - well-mannered and extremely professional, yes, but rather cold. But when she wins in Moscow? “It is your game. Take it.” I LOVE THAT SO MUCH. AND HE HUGS HER AND STARTS CLAPPING AND THE AMOUNT OF RESPECT AND ADMIRATION AND AFFECTION IN THAT SCENE IS INCREDIBLE. And you don’t see any of that in Borgov’s face when he’s playing. His facial expressions do not change at all. But then his face when she wins!! He’s HAPPY! He’s like, goddamn, I’ve spent my whole life mastering chess, it’s about time somebody fucking beat me! I know I’m repeating myself but just his RESPECT I absolutely adore it
And Beth’s officer-watcher-person in Moscow was all like “ahhh be wary of the Russians! communism!!” but they absolutely did not make this yet another evil Russian show, like please that trope works for plots but it’s about time somebody did something different - they showed the US government as suspicious of the Soviets but then they showed the solidarity between the chess players that Benny talked about earlier (”The Russians work together, Americans work alone” or something like that), and then they showed the kind and excitable people on the streets, and the amount of support they would have had no matter WHO won that goddamn match. The old man she plays at the end. Everyone is a community.
Continuing that - I cannot for the life of me remember the name of the old man with the very puffy white hair, but I loved him too. He sees Beth as the rising star she is, and he respects her. He admires her. The dynamic there is absolutely immaculate, contrary to the dynamic between Beth and the man she beats earlier, the one who walks off and doesn’t even talk to her. We don’t like that man - we like the ones who admit defeat and respect Beth!! I love them!! They are extremely professional, and they show the warm-heartedness that often doesn’t show with all of the cold stares and glares that pass between players during matches.
Joline. I’m so glad she came back. I love her. She’s extremely independent but she comes back for Beth because Beth needs her but she’s also like “I’m not your savior! Get your shit together!” which is fucking awesome. And the fact that the two of them interacted like the best of friends even after years of separation was really sweet to me.
I nearly cried when Beth went back into the school. (I say ‘nearly’ because there were other people in the room and naturally I can’t do that in front of other people. If I was utterly alone, maybe on my own planet, I would have.) Because of all of it. Because of her trauma, because that’s where all the shit began... and the music during that scene. It was hauntingly beautiful, especially when the melody began switching to cello. And then Beth saw all the pictures and newspaper clips that Mr. Shaibel had saved, because he cared about her so much, because he started it all - he’s the reason she’s going to national tournaments, to Paris, to Moscow. And in that scene, we know he’s too old to be alive anymore, and she does too. The whole school scene in general just feels so ghostly and ethereal. 
I love Borgov, did I say that already? I just... strive to exude his energy. I want to be good at things but I want to hold deep, genuine respect and admiration for others who are also good at the thing, because sometimes I just have the biggest fucking ego and I can get carried away. ‘Borgov, Borgov, Borgov.’ A mantra. He wins respectfully and he loses respectfully. 
BETH’S MOTHER (the second one) JUST FUCKING DIED OUT OF NOWHERE?? AND I WAS SO SHOCKED? Which is really an accurate reflection of reality because death often comes out of nowhere, but DAMN I was not expecting that shit
And the fact that the mother just,,,, let her chug a beer,,,, oof
THE ADDICTION. BETH’S DOWNWARD SPIRAL. IT MADE ME FEEL SO HORRIBLE BUT IT FELT SO REAL. Everything about her progression through addiction was just... I can’t find an adjective. But when she just fucking inhaled that bucket of pills as a kid and then collapsed. When that addiction lasted into her adulthood - it’s really impactful and horrible and just so real. She needed proper care throughout this entire goddamn show and she never got medical care, she just got supportive friends - which, btw, that’s one thing that kind of threw me off. Like, she didn’t have withdrawal in Moscow, she went from chugging like four bottles of wine a day to... not drinking at all?? Without withdrawal symptoms?? And I’m proud of her for throwing away those pills but honestly it felt really fast, idk
GIVING CHILDREN TRANQUILIZERS WAS AN ACTUAL THING THAT HAPPENED. I DID NOT PREVIOUSLY KNOW THIS. BUT LEGITIMATELY, IT HAPPENED. HOLY SHIT.
HARRY BELTIK. He was like, awkwardly in love with Beth and that shit didn’t work out but even afterwards he FUCKING CARED. He’d seen his father drink himself to death and he knew that would happen to Beth and he was scared. So he came back, he tried to help her, and at that point (when she had that fucking scary eye makeup, yeah that was rock bottom) she didn’t care much about the outside world anymore. She was angry, and she was closing herself in. It made my stomach clench in physical pain. Which is a good thing. But also not.
Harry Beltik in general just being so supportive and wanting to help her though, like yeah it was very awkward, but they were vibing
AND BENNY WATTS IS FUCKING GREAT. THAT WHOLE COWBOY LOOK, COWBOY CHESS PLAYER, NOW THAT’S AN AESTHETIC. He was concerned for Beth too. He wanted to help her. He wanted to create that American solidarity that he knew the Soviet competitors had, and ultimately he did when he and everyone else called her in Moscow. Benny is... chaotic good? Neutral? He is quite an interesting character, and Beth’s persistent social awkwardness fades away with him because he knows how to interact with her. He’s a dedicated and smart narcissist, and I’m here for it.
The fact that they made me love and hate Cleo at the same time, and also question Beth’s sexuality when she first met Cleo. Like, she’s from Paris. She considers ‘tomorrow night’ to be a very long time away. I love her mysteriousness. But also, she was the catalyst for Beth’s downward drinking spiral before the match in Paris, so like... I like Cleo’s personality, but not her choices in those previous moments.
The music. Did I mention the music? The soundtrack. The orchestrals. That one song that the mother plays on piano that I hear all the time and I still don’t actually know what it is PLEASE HELP. The music is melancholy in the right moments, upbeat in the right moments, intense and suspenseful in the right moments - and also absent in the right moments. There’s tacet. There’s silence. And it’s always been my firm belief that silence can hold just as much impact as sound. 
Just an interesting note, my mom watched the whole show before me and then re-watched it with me, and when Mr. Shaibel showed up she quickly reassured me that he wasn’t a child molester, because quote “it may be a creepy basement but he’s just really nice” so...  I was reassured
I love Mr. Shaibel, and Beth just kept sticking up for him in front of the press and,,, yeah
I hated that bitch from the high school, what was her name?... The one who showed up in the store with a child? It makes me think about the fact that so many kids are just jerks in high school simply because they can be... and occasionally their fuckery lasts into adulthood but oftentimes it doesn’t. You don’t have to be a jerk when you’re an adult, and you don’t have to be a jerk in high school! People remember, people always remember! So, to the bitch from the high school: fuck you for making Beth feel like an outsider and then trying to reverse gears and accept her, cuz Beth isn’t falling for that shit.
The twins, Matt and Mike. They’re so doubtful of Beth in the beginning but then bam, she’s competing nationally, and I adore how the three of them become friends. All those men playing chess in Kentucky in the beginning seem so condescending, but ultimately they show respect because Beth absolutely fucking deserves it.
I enjoy the fact that we never *really* know Beth’s age. It’s just like... she’s 9, she’s 15, she’s 17, she’s... twenty something? Who the hell knows? As many characters say, when it comes to skill level, age ultimately isn’t an important factor. This young woman beats the oldest man with the bushiest white hair in Moscow and age. Does not. Matter. 
The Jesus people lmaooooo when Beth said “because it’s fucking nonsense” I just. Mad respect ma’am, don’t take their money, go be a communist and “sPrEaD tHe aThEiSt AgEnDa”
Wow I really just... wrote all that didn’t I damn wish I could write essays this fast at reasonable hours of the day
Beth’s relationship with her foster mother is so fucking sweet until she fucking dies
And fuck Beth’s legal father. He is an asshole. That is all.
The mother deserved Manuel, she deserved that sketchy Mexican salesman goddammit
As my final bullet point: This has made me want to play chess. This has made me want to get good at chess. You know that thing where you like, download the personality of the coolest character for like a day after you watch something... I don’t do that anymore (maybe), but I want to download those mad chess skills. This has made chess seem so cool. I want to wear a fancy suit and compete with people. I just have to, you know, actually develop some strategy and stop losing brutally against people online. I wAnT tO pLaY cHesS dO yOu HeAr mE
I’m going to stop now, but I just,,, peeps, I love this show. I’m absolutely going to require a re-watch in the future. I just love it. The characters and their development, their relationships with each other, the progression of time and of Beth’s maturity... it is simply incredible. This concludes my brain dump.
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mihidecet · 3 years
Text
Sbi&CO d&d AU: A Familiar Face (1/?)
WELCOME WELCOME EVERYONE! Today, the tournament arc begins! I do hope you’ll enjoy this ahahah
I dedicate this to all the wonderful people of the Au’s Discord - hit me up if you wanna join! Also, a special thank you to @traitorous-bisexual and @awebo without whom this arc wouldn’t exist <3
Finally, before we start: make sure you check out @whatimevendoinhere , @spout1nk and (soon) @julius-ranch for art and fanfics about the AU!!
It was a lovely morning. 
The sun shined through the tinted windows, turning the light a soft orange glow that lessened the glare of it against his eyes. 
It was a welcome respite: during the months that involved preparing the tournament, days were quick to melt together, nights becoming just darker afternoons as Scott and everyone around him hurried to make everything look ready for the contestants' arrival. So, not having the sun shine directly into his eyes as he looked over the final challenges that had been chosen for the tournament was a relief. The cup of warm tea by his desk was also a saving grace.
Stifling a yawn, Scott figured that he could let himself take a stroll. Maybe open up his window, let the room freshen up a bit. 
With his window overlooking one of the many parks inside the Academy, maybe he could distract himself for a moment and see if his protege had finally started warming up to his teammates. 
That plan had flown out of the window almost immediately. Or maybe it would be better to say that it had flown into the window, along with a green tipped arrow that had suddenly appeared in his field of vision. 
Now, Scott hasn't been adventuring for a while, but it would be foolish to think that he's forgotten how the world works - with a flick of his wrist, a translucent dome of purple arcane energy materializes between him and the incoming arrow, which impacts with the barrier a split second later. The tip goes through, piercing the veil of his magic, and for a terrifying moment Scott thinks it's not gonna stop, but it simply stops, held in place as if caught in a web. 
Which is a relief, the amateur that tried to attack him - an Archmage, in the middle of his own Academy - failed to get their first shot in and this will give him the time to step back and call his most trusted in order to quickly and efficiently get rid of the problem at hand. He has other more pressing matters to attend to, he's not going to waste his time on this. 
As his Shield spell fades, it congeals like a shimmering second skin over his upper arm. Maybe calling the guards isn't that pressing, he's got this. 
Or maybe he doesn't, he thinks as he get a second, much more terrifying surprise - in the span of a couple of seconds, he really can get no breaks.
A figure materializes in the air in front of him, with a dark hood over their head that covers most of their features except for a huge - terrifying - grin and an intricate bow strapped to their back.
The figure appears with a puff of iridescent smoke, crouched in the air as if they'd been in the process of jumping before they decided to teleport, and- crashes into him, the force of the impact and the shock of it happening making him lose his balance and start falling back. 
There's a moment where Scott is confused: is this some sort of strange tactic? Did the stranger misjudge their trajectory? Are they going to wrestle on the ground as if they weren't both magic users? 
Then, a brief split second of panic - he didn't look what the stranger was holding, and he is currently falling on his back. He is going to get stabbed, at the very least, and that conviction is only made stronger as he feels the stranger's arms close in around him. 
But then, Scott has simply enough time to blink in shock, as the arms just wrap around his back, before his world is literally turned upside down.
One moment he is falling on his back, already anticipating the pain of a knife to the back - please no vital organs, spare him the need for an extremely expansive healer. The next the is wrapped in a hug and grunting in pain as his knees impact with the ground. 
"Ah, fuck that hurt- Scotty are you alright?" 
Scott refuses to believe this. He pushes against the chest under him - the arms give, letting him go - and finds himself face to face with a sight that is both very familiar and weirdly unusual. 
"You-" Scott says, tone an unconvincingly mix of menacing and angry as he jabs a finger into the not-so-stranger's chest -"Are lucky to be alive. I could have murdered you."
Hbomb's worried glance instantly brightens, despite Scott's best hopes, and he throws his head back to laugh. No matter how irritated he is at his friend, he can't help but huff out a laugh himself, and a moment later they're both chuckling together on the floor. By all the gods, it has been some time.
"You are a dumbass, H. You couldn't just use the door? You know, like a normal person?!" Scott asks, holding himself up on his left elbow because H has always been one to laugh with his whole body and Scott is still recovering from jamming his knees into the floor, he's not in the mood to be jostled around by an enthusiastic ranger. 
"Aw, Scotty, aren't you happy to see me?" The half-elf asks, putting a hand on his chest as he fails to pretend he's insulted. Scott flicks his nose. 
"Ah- that hurt!"
"I know, I meant it to hurt. Now, do you want to tell me what you're doing here? And what is that doing on your face?" Scott demands, serious at first until he realises that H has been growing out his beard well past what he considers to be a good length - H's pout is barely visible under all that scruff.
"Well, now, that is unnecessarily rude. I've been traveling for a while now, and I wasn't gonna risk injuring myself-" Scott grabs a wandering hand and brings it back on H's chest. 
"H." Hbomb has a tendency of gesticulating when his hands aren't being kept busy, and while he did figure that his friend had simply forgotten to shave, he has known him long enough to be able to recognise when H is going off on a tangent - which is perfectly fine - and when he's changing the subject because he doesn't want to answer. 
He knows he's right when H simply shuts up, eyes wide like those of a deer - quite fitting, considering where he enjoys spending most of his time. But instead of looking pensive, or starting to answer, H just … looks down. At where their hands are. 
Normally, he wouldn't think much of it. But H looks almost sheepish, and his eyes keep moving from his face to their hands, so Scott looks down. 
His brain screeches to a halt, and suddenly he stands up a little straighter, sitting on the floor next to H as he grabs his hand in his. 
Around his fingers wraps a perfect replica of a silver winged fae dragon, while in his palm- one of the most accurate representations of the different Planes. 
Scott turns his stare to his fiend, who looks more calm than Scott feels he has any right to, and when he speaks he sounds almost breathless. 
"What happened to you?"
The tale of how Shubble's patron reached out to him to grant him powers is exhilarating. Not in the "funny" sense, more in the "my friend who is usually not that fond of talking and interacting with people especially when he's not in a place he is familiar with, was transported to a different plane and spoke with a being of transcendent power". So maybe a bit in the "funny" sense. 
The only negative side of the whole affair is the fact that Shubble is currently not present. 
She actually teaches at the Academy, so H was right in his assumption that reaching this place would have helped him out, but he just barely missed her by a couple of weeks. She's recently left, called out on an urgent mission by her patron themselves, and a part of Scott's mind can't help but feel like it is an extremely weird coincidence: he respects power gained through pacts, but he fears deeply the machinations of otherworldly beings' minds and the power they hold over his friends. He'd much prefer dealing with forces controlled by his own self, so that when a spell backfires comically he only has himself to blame. 
But all things considered, he's glad to see H is still alive and seemingly doing better than ever. He looks fine, happy and more confident than the last time he saw him - the way he stands and moves more firm, more secure, filling his space in a way the Hbomb of some time ago wouldn't have. 
It's nice to see him like this. 
What isn't nice is the way his increased confidence leads him to suggest how good of an idea it would be for him to take part into the tournament. Which is a horrible idea. 
"Listen, I know I am banned from playing again-" H starts, arms spread open with a mischievous grin on his face. Scott has sudden flashbacks to all the times he'd seen that grin from the other side of the battlefield and shakes his head firmly before pointing a stern finger at his chest.
"You still have a year before you can." 
H huffs, shoulders falling, and he adopts the most fake-innocent expression Scott has ever seen. 
"But I'm just here to say hi!" Scott levels him with a blank stare, using all of his willpower and internal strength to avoid bursting out laughing. Because for all that his friend's expression is hilarious, this is really no laughing matter. He can't have him win again. 
"I said what I said." H's head hits the desk with a groan of protest. 
On the other side of the table, Scott pinches his own arm in order not to laugh. 
He fails.
H still manages to pout his way into getting a free room to stay in for a while - just like the old times, come on! - and seems to be alright with being left to his own devices for the rest of the morning. 
Knowing him, he'll take it as the perfect chance to snoop around, make new friends and bother the tournament's contestants. 
As Scott turns back to his schematics, the only thing he does is chuckle to himself. 
35 notes · View notes
rachelbethhines · 4 years
Text
TTS Songs Ranked Worst to Best
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Someone asked me to rank my fav and least fav TTS songs a while back, but I’ve since then relistened to the soundtrack and there’s a whole bunch of songs that just forgot about, so here’s a more accurate ranking now that the songs are more fresh in my mind
32 .  Life After Happily Ever After (Reprise)
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This song is infuriating, because the finale is infuriating. Listening to this song just makes me angry all over again because it reminds me just how unsatisfying the ending to TTS was. I wanted to turn it off at several points. I barely can get through it despite it being so short. It doesn’t help that the soundtrack leaves all the dialogue in there and fails to actually end the song. It just cuts off before the final note.
31. Hook Foot’s Ballad
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Does this even count as a song? Why is it here on the soundtrack but not the Hurt Incantation? Did Menken really waste his talent writing a joke and did the showrunners really waste money and limited resources on this?
30. Friendship Song
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Bland, boring, and pointless. It was clearly written as a marketing stunt for the radio disney charts and not as anything to do with the plot of the series. They just throw it up on screen to fill out the running time and don't even let the whole song play through. It’s pitiful.
29. Waiting in the Wings (Reprise)
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I didn’t think much of the original song one way or the other, but the reprise is soooo dumb. The plot twist it introduces winds up ruining the whole show and sabotaging both Cassandra’s and Rapunzel’s characters. It’s not even a nice sounding song on it’s own. The kid’s voice is irritating (who I’m sure is doing her best, but really little kids shouldn’t be made to sing professionally as a general rule) and the melody just as bland as the first time it was played. The only reason to like this song is if you’r a mega fan of Cassandra’s or her VA, which I am not. (Note: this is not a criticism of Eden Espinosa, I just don’t happen to follow any of the VAs in this show)      
28. Through It All
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I like the instrumentals in this song, and that’s about it. Everything about this song is wrong. It doesn’t fit the story, it’s a misuse of the cast and songwriters, it’s a waste of valuable screen time, the melody is dull, and the dang soundtrack had to throw in that lame dialogue about ‘greatest threat ever’ at the beginning. If you want a pump up song in your story then you got to earn it. You can’t just tell us things are bad, you got to show it. A joyful horseback ride and everyone sitting in a bar safe and sound isn’t threatening or depressing enough to warrant a cheering up session. Plus the song itself doesn’t add anything to the overall story.
27.  The Girl Who Has Everything
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Sometimes I think the writers were willing trying to sabotage themselves. It’s as if they were determined to make the only two main female characters in the show unlikeable bitches in season three.   Don’t believe me? The creator Chris has said this song only exists to highlight how much easier Rapunzel has things than Cass and went onto say that Rapunzel was in the wrong during their conflict because ‘she held Cassandra back’. (Oh yeah she totally ‘held back’ the grown woman who left on her own accord, returned on her own accord, and then assaulted and tried to murder a bunch of people for no reason of her own accord.) But this song does succeed in furthering season’s three narrative that Rapunzel is a spoiled selfish brat. Shame the story fails to address this setup and never has Rapunzel learn to be a better person. Rather the narrative bends over backward to tell us how special Rapunzel is without any sense of self awareness and this song falls into that same trap; making it both irritating and pointless.
26. Listen Up
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Yeah, I talked about this on my salt marathon, but I just don't like this song very much. The melody is fine but the lyrics are a real miss in my mind. It doesn’t help matters that the song is indeed pointless in the grand scheme of things.
25.  Livin’ the Dream
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This is much on the same level as Listen Up as it features the same problems. It doesn’t add to the narrative and the lyrics kind of let it down. I placed it higher just because I like the melody a little more.
24.  More of Me
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This song is a lot like the Friendship Song in that it was created to be an end credit song for the pop charts and you’d be forgiven in forgetting it even exists. However, it at least got to actually play all the way through. I think this song was a real missed opportunity. I honestly believe that it should have been the opening theme song of the show instead of Wind in My Hair. It’s more built to serve such a purpose and it’s a waste of resources not to actually use it. Alternatively, I would have accepted it being reworked into the actual series as a character song. Especially since we’re missing a song in season three due to budget cuts.  
23. Wind In My Hair
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Speaking of theme songs, I think I would like Wind In My Hair a lot better if i didn’t have to listen to it every episode. On its own it actually has a lot of things going for it; a nice melody, interesting instrumentals, good singing, ect. Unfortunately it’s just over exposed, and none of those elements lend themselves naturally to an intro song for a tv show. In fact the theme song feels really out of place and is edited oddly to fit the shorter intro. 
22. Wind In My Hair (Reprise)  
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Honestly the theme song is mostly comprised of this reprise, but it has the opening instrumentals from the OG song frankensteined onto it. This means that the version that plays before every episode is on fullblast all the time to keep the energy up, but that’s not how the song is suppose to go.  The actual reprise that plays in the pilot builds to a crescendo, starting soft and melancolony and getting louder and more hopeful and determined. It sounds a lot better in full because of that.  It’s still too overexposed though. Both these songs would probably be higher on the list of not for the theme song version. 
21. With You by My Side
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This song is fine. It’s nothing special, but it’s not bad either. What knocks it down the list is the fact that Lance isn’t in it, despite Lance being right there.  Like don't bother hiring a famous Broadway singer if you’re not going to have him sing!  But that speaks more to the poor writing of season two than anything else. This song also doesn’t really add anything to the narrative as, contrary to what the writers intended, it doesn’t actually enhance the emotional impact of Cassandra’s betrayal later in the episode. The song itself is just tacked on and doesn’t take the opportunity to lay down any foreshadowing for that plot point.  
20. Next Stop Anywhere
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Another perfectly serviable song. It’s not bad but nothing outstanding. It gets the job done. It’s also really ho-hum and the soundtrack keeps all the unneeded dialogue, which is a pet peeve of mine. 
19. Waiting In the Wings
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Despite it’s hype, I never thought much of Waiting in the Wings. It’s got nice instrumentals and Eden Espinosa gives it her all in the singing department. The problem is it’s too generic. It’s a bare bones basic ass ‘I want song’. Cassandra's movations are weak and unsupported by the narrative, the melody is boring, and it honestly doesn’t add anything to her story. I mean it should, it’s her character solo, but because she’s written so poorly the song just winds up undermining the character in the end.   All I’m saying is that, this is not the song from season two that I would have nominated for the Emmys. But it’s still Alan Menken, it’s still nicely performed, and given the rest of the competition for that year, it did deserve to win. 
18. If I Could Take That Moment Back 
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This song is also pretty generic, but it’s less boring than I See the Light, (yeah, I said it, I See the Light is boring) so that’s a win in my book. Ergo this holds the title of the only New Dream duet that I enjoy. But there’s better stuff on this list. 
17. Next Stop Anywhere (Reprise)
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Well no, I take that back. The reprise of Next Stop Anywhere is also technically a New Dream duet. It’s still not anything amazing, but it works for what it is. Plus, Adria’s opening dialogue in the soundtrack version doesn’t bother me quite as much as some of the other dialogues choices that were kept in.  
16. Stronger Than Ever Before 
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I really enjoyed this song in the moment. It’s catchy and fun, and it finally has Lance doing something rather than ignoring his existence. However it is borderline unnecessary in terms of story placement, and I’m slightly mad at it now that I know that we could have gotten a Rapunzel and Varian duet but it was scrapped for this instead.   
15. Crossing the Line
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Keeping with the theme of ‘songs I have conflicting emotions about’, we have Crossing the Line.  This song is confused. It starts and stops, the melody isn’t clear, the orchestration is playing tug of war with the singers for dominance, and it’s basically Alan Menken and the show’s creators ripping off Frozen. (I guess he’s kicking himself for leaving that particular project?)   But it’s interesting. I never heard anything quite like it. It’s memorable even if it doesn’t fully work. It’s got these interesting bits and pieces to it that just never quite comes together as a whole. Some of the lyrics are some of the best Glenn Slater has ever wrote and is far better than the story actually surrounding the song. Yet there’s other lines that are total cringe. Sometimes the song is bold and catchy and gets you all hyped up, and then other times its limp and staggering and feels so awkward to listen to.  Yet it’s not boring or generic and so I have to place it higher than the rest of the songs that’s come before. (Also, there’s some amazing orchestral covers out there that really pulls together the various parts really well, just fyi) 
14.  Nothing Left to Lose
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I really don't like this song.  I’ve been one of its biggest critics ever since it was leaked by the marketing team earlier this year.  And yet... I can’t in good conscience place any lower on this list.  All of the problems I have with it are the exact same problems I have with Crossing the Line. It’s confused, the various pieces don't line up, the instrumentals are competing with the vocals, the song’s progression is weird with it’s constant key changes, some of the lyrics are good while others are absolute shit, ect and so forth.  It also actively works against the story it's trying to tell. The song wants you to sympathize with Cassandra, but her lines are as shallow as a puddle and makes her look like a sociopath. Especially when she’s physically attacking Varian through out for no reason. Also neither character learns anything from the exchange and it fails to impact the story.  By all accounts this is a bad song.  But I’m Varian trash.  There I said it. You happy?  Varian’s parts in the songs are fine, good even, and the song is anything but bland. I would rather listen to a mess then be bored to tears by a competent yet standard four chord pop song. 
13. I’d Give Anything
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This song is nice to listen to. Story wise it absolutely sucks and shouldn’t have been in the finale at all. But it sounds pleasant.  This is one of those songs that could pop up randomly on the radio and I would just think it it a nice sad break up song. I can’t say that about some of the other misplaced songs in the show. This one however, you can very much, absolutely divorce this song from the narrative and it would be fine.  Now that’s not good writing, and it’s very much a waste of limited resources, but I’m rating the music here first and story second. 
12. Buddy Song
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The Buddy Song also absolutely did not need to exist but it also sounds nice. Plus, it makes use of Lance so I’m a little more lenient towards it.   I can’t however place it higher since it really is just Alan Menken ripping off Alan Menken. Like, I would not be at all surprised to find out that this was originally a deleted song for Aladdin or something.  
11. Bigger Than That
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What can I say, Lance just gets good songs. When the show bothers to give them to him.  Unfortunately, it’s not the best placed. It kind of interrupts the more important drama of Be Very Afraid, and probably should have been saved for a later episode. Especially since it hinges on a plot point that is contradictory to Lance’s character.    We should have gotten a Varian and Rapunzel duet here and given Lance his own episode in the second half of season three. This song could have easily been refitted into being a bonding moment for him and the girls. That would also have filled out the season’s original songs to the usual eight instead of only  seven.
10. Life After Happily Ever After
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Now we’re getting to the good stuff. The top ten. The best of the best.  This song makes the cut for three reasons.  1. It lyrically and musically interesting 2. It does the job of furthering the story and the characters  and 3. Eugene’s part is so damn good.  Like this song could have easily fell down into the ranks of ‘fine but generic’ if it wasn’t for the bridge with Eugene. That puts it over the top and to my mind makes it better than anything from the OG film. (well almost anything, Mother Knows Best is still great)    This is the barometer by which I measure all of the music in the series. Is it better or worse than Life After Happily Ever After? Because this is the level that I equate good musicals with.  What keeps on the tenth spot and not higher is the dialogue that still left on the soundtrack and the lack of a Cassandra introduction. That and also the rest of the songs are just flat better. 
9. Hurt Incantation 
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Hurt, Decay, Reverse, whatever you want to call it, this was such a cool fucking concept. One that was utterly wasted by the show.  I place this so high because it just sounds awesome! It looks good too, and it offered up so many possibilities from a story perspective.  What lets it down is the lack of follow up for it and it’s too short. There’s needed to be another verse. It also should have been on the actual soundtrack instead of  Hook Foot’s Ballad.  (The Heal Incantation also was sung in What the Hair, but I’m not counting it since it was written for the film) 
8.  The Girl Who Has Everything (Reprise)
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I hate the initial song and the set up that it took to get here, but I love this reprise. It’s perfect. This is what the story needed more of. Rapunzel taking her life into her hands, and her proposing to Eugene would have been the perfect capstone for her arc.  In fact I’m angry we didn’t actually get that. There’s absolutely no reason why Rapunzel couldn’t have done so and we could have had her and Eugene engaged during the second half of season three. How much better would have it been if Cassandra threatened their wedding plans and that’s why they couldn’t go through with it until after the series ended? So much more tension that way. 
7. I Got This
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This is a really good song that actually futhers the characters and the narrative. Moreover it’s refreshing to see the heroine not be perfect and to fail sometimes due to her own inadequacies. It’s just a shame that the series didn’t follow through with this set up, but I appreciate the attempt all the same.   
6.  Set Yourself Free
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This is the only song in the series that’s an actual satisfying pay off for anything. Music wise it’s nothing too special, but in terms of context it just works. We were sorely deprived of such resolutions and songs with actual meaning in the show. 
5. View From Up Here
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This song is too good for the episode it actually appears in. We needed something like this back in season one to introduce Cassandra with. It also sadly doesn’t fit with the wider narrative after season three. However I shall still appreciate it as a ‘what might have been’ type song. 
4.  Let Me Make You Proud 
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The only reason why this song isn’t higher is just overexposure and I’ve no one to blame but myself for that. I’ve listened to this song way too many times. As such it tends to alternate between this, View from Up Here, and the next song on the list. But make no mistake it is glorious. Fantastic instrumentals, set up, and of course amazing vocals. 
3.  Everything I Ever Thought I Knew
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Yes, I know this plot point didn’t lead anywhere, but it works for this song at least. Also Eugene’s VA is a really underrated singer. He sounds nice and he emotes really well.  Though I’ll be honest, this jumped up to third place because it was fresh in my mind after listening to the soundtrack before making this list. I’ve always liked the song and I do rate it highly, but it can change places with Let Me Make You Proud and View from Up Here at anytime depending on my mood. 
2.  Let Me Make You Proud (Reprise)
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This song is heartbreaking!  Story wise it probably shouldn’t exist because it gives away the twist too soon, but who cares, it’s awesome!  Varian’s arc is the most compelling in the show and the only thing that saves TTS from falling into mediocre obscurity; and it’s songs like this that help make the arc stand out even more than it already does. 
1. Ready As I’ll Ever Be
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I said it before and I’ll say it again; Ready As I’ll Ever Be is the greatest thing Alan Menken has ever written in his entire career!  If you know anything about the multiple award winning songwriter then you know that is no faint praise and I do not dole it out lightly.  This song is the reason why this show even has a fanbase. People are still getting into the series because of this song. And no matter how many times you listen to it just rocks!   It’s complex, layered, moody, and with a fantastic beat and energy. The performances are wonderful and the instrumentation glorious. It belongs in the hollows of Disney’s greatest hits and not regulated to a spin-off tv show that failed to make its money back.  I weep for the lost potential that this song and this show had. It hurts to know that so many people will never see this flash of brilliance that has come out of the House of Mouse, will never know the wonderfulness that is Varian.  Ah, ‘c'est la vie’, I suppose. Tangled the Series got what it deserved, but it's crew did not. While I can not in all honesty recommend the series in full; I do sincerely urge any Disney fan to check out the songs at the very least. Especially this one.  And that’s it. There’s my official ranking of all the songs, and I hope those of you read my Tangled reviews appreciate the hours it took into making this. 
85 notes · View notes
sexymanera · 4 years
Text
the truth untold
riddle rosehearts
full imagine
happy angst (?)
female reader
inspired by the smeraldo flower theory
play: the truth untold - bts 
.・゜-: ✧ :-  -: ✧ :-゜・.
“The blue flower your hand was picking I want to hold it”
it was the autumn of 1697. the streets were bustling with carriages and villagers as orange-yellow leaves fell from the nearly barren tree. it was almost winter. riddle walked out his humble abode, a lime green watering can in his right hand, his other clutching his brown coat due to the weather. it was his daily routine; to water his garden for hours on end and attend to the variety of blooming flowers in the bushes. 
a smile graced upon his features when he saw the buds of the roses. his eyes glanced to the bush next to it- smeraldo flowers. its soft blue and pink colors mesmerized him. roses have always been his favorite flowers, but this gorgeous specie takes second place. his pale hands gently stroked the pale blue flower before he lifted up the watering can and poured it around the bushes. a sigh escaped riddle’s lips, forming a small cloud of breath as he felt the cold seep in through his layers of clothing.
“i should ask mother to buy more clothing. . .” riddle stopped talking to himself for a moment, contemplating on his decision. should he request his mother to go to the village? you see, they lived on the outskirts of the town. his mother was overly protective of him and so they were secluded from human contact. “no, never mind. that’s ridiculous.” riddle made his decision, mind filled with the reaction his dear mother would have if he had asked such a request. 
riddle finished watering the garden’s bushes and a few of the large hedges that decorated the entrance of their large manor. riddle didn’t see the point of owning such a house when there were only him and his mother as living in the residence. to him, it was a huge waste of space. they were only drawing more attention from the villagers even though their intent (it’s more accurate to say, his mother’s intent) was to be hidden and to rarely interact with the people.
after the redhead has finished his mini monologue, he stepped back inside their unnecessarily big manor, enjoying the warmth the house welcomed him with. he slipped off his cloak and walked towards the spiral stairs to his room to finish his studies of magic. 
nightfall had graced the rose kingdom and it was chillier than it was in the afternoon. riddle had lit up a candle to concentrate on his reading, but saw something from his window- no, not something. rather, it was someone. riddle froze, not knowing what to do. he has never encountered anyone that wasn’t his mother and he was scared. his mother wouldn’t be back until next week. riddle took a deep breath, brainstorming ways on how he would handle this situation but it proved to be useless when he saw the stranger running away. he couldn’t see their face but hoped this would be the last they see of them.
the next day, riddle attended to the garden as always and felt odd. the smeraldo flowers he had adored that brought him happiness was. . . lacking. it felt like there were some flowers missing. he knew very well that there were more than just thirteen flowers in this specific bush. he knew because he counted each time he went out to water the flowers. riddle started to deduce all the possibilities that could’ve caused some flowers to go missing. his mind then went back to last night. it was chilly and the dirt roads to his house were covered in dead, crunchy autumn leaves. the stranger that trespassed into his garden was to blame. 
riddle felt his blood boil. how dare someone take his precious flowers. who did they think they were? those flowers were his only source of happiness and someone had to steal them. who was this brave newcomer? riddle gripped the handle of his watering can tightly and marched into his house. he was going to stay in front of his bedroom window and watch over the flowers intently. he was going to catch this thief red handed.
it was almost midnight, at least that’s what a certain redhead had deduced. the night was dark but the stars shined to give some light. it was peaceful. riddle felt his eyelids get heavy. no! you can’t fall asleep! riddle scolded himself, lightly slapping his cheeks which caused it to turn red from the impact of his palms. he had to resist the tiredness. . . although that proved to be useless once he woke up and saw the shadow of the stranger hopping off the tall black gates.
angered, riddle let out a frustrated groan and gripped his hair. normally, people would let this slide. but you have to understand that riddle is lonely. he didn’t have any friends. the only “person” he could talk to were the flowers that adorned the front of their house. he let out his frustrations, his excitement and his worries to those plants. it was the only “friend” he has, and those friends were being taken away from him by force. 
days passed by and the flower thief (or what riddle liked to call them), was never caught. it seemed like their stealing habits were endless. it tired riddle. he wasn’t focusing on his studies. his mother would be furious of him when she returned. but riddle couldn’t help but wait for the right moment to catch the stranger. that was, until one faithful night, where he decided to follow the thief and see where they would go. 
the decision was reckless and risky. what if his mother found out he had left the mansion? would she be even more hard on him? would she be. . . disappointed? god, riddle would kill for his mother to be proud of him for even just a second. nonetheless, he brushed off the consequences he most probably would receive if his mother found out. it wasn’t a when, it was an if. riddle thought long and hard to make this decision a final one. it was like rapunzel escaping the tower mother gothel had trapped her in. 
the night had finally dawned upon the rose kingdom. after he saw the stranger grab more of his flowers, he threw the makeshift rope he made from blankets and cloaks he owned and descended down the slightly high window. good thing the stranger didn’t notice him yet. if he was quick enough, he can still make it and follow them. riddle finally made it down and let out a nervous sigh- he was scared. he didn’t know anything about the outside world and how it worked. but if he wanted to get to the bottom of this, he had to do something.
riddle opened his gates and ran towards the direction he thought the flower thief could be headed. his assumption was correct as he saw the familiar ragged cloak and dirties socks. riddle hid behind a food stall that had no employee. his stale grey eyes watching over you. you rubbed your hands together and blew into your cold palms to keep yourself warm. it was rather chilly. you needed some money to keep yourself warm. clearing your throat, you then walked up to strangers and shoved a singular flower in front of them, “have a flower to give to your loved ones to celebrate the holidays! only 10 mandol each!” you gave your best, heartwarming smile and awaited for their answer. 
the man in front of you seemed to be taken aback but let out a chuckle, “i dare say that the bundle of florals you are holding as of right now are extremely rare to find back in my hometown,” he started. his voice a tad mysterious. the man gave a grin, showing his slightly sharp teeth and continued, “but, hm, they do look quite fascinating and cheap too, they’ll be perfect for potions. i’ll take a few.” he smiled, passing you a small bag that was hopefully filled with mandol. you smiled to yourself and tied the small bag to your waist with a poorly conditioned rope. “it’s not much for me to stay in a motel but it’ll have to do,” you solemnly sighed, looking up at the passersby and showed them the flowers you had in hand.
in the end, you made quite a large sum of money. it was enough for a place to sleep in and food that would last for three days- five days if you ate sparingly. riddle couldn’t believe his eyes. he felt his chest tighten. you sold his flowers in means to make money out of it. suddenly, all the anger and hatred he felt for you vanished into thin air. all he wanted to do was to help you. he wanted to help you make some money. if he could, he would lend you some but that would mean talking to you and who knows what his mother would do if she found out.
riddle decided it was enough for the night and walked back to his residence. 
-
once riddle’s mother has returned from her trip, she realized how different her son’s mood used to be. the riddle she knew was always vigilant and obeyed no questions asked. but the day she returned from her trip, riddle didn’t greet her like he usually would. in fact, he wasn’t even downstairs! he was sleeping away and it was already time for lunch! 
she was not happy about this sudden change in behavior and felt the need to instigate something to change him. let’s just say, the rest of the day was harsh for riddle more than it usually was. he was smacked, insulted, he studied for hours, overworked himself and it was exhausting. but something in him gave him hope. no, it wasn’t the flowers he was looking forward to. it was you- the thief who stole the smeraldo flowers. he never forgot the look on your face- he felt extremely bad. was this what his mother was trying to hide him from the outside world? that not everyone slept comfortably in a nice warm bed? that they don’t always have food to eat whenever they wanted? that they have to fend for themselves and do risky things like steal?
it pained him.
it pained him to see you in that state. your clothes were ragged and it barely kept you warm. you didn’t even have proper footwear! you were wearing socks. it pained him. it made him feel guilty for even getting mad at you when you had no choice. 
after a long day of being pushed to the extent, riddle watched you from his bedroom window as you stole all that’s left of the rose bushes however he was surprised when you didn’t run away immediately. you turned around and placed back two smeraldo flowers and left a torn up note on the bush before leaving the manor. riddle was curious on what you could’ve left in that bush and so he threw back the makeshift rope off the window and read the note.
i’m sincerely apologize for the theft of your flowers. i left two flowers so that they wouldn’t get lonely.
riddle felt his eyes well up with hot tears. he covered his mouth to stop himself from crying but it was too late as the tears rolled down his flushed cheeks. how considerate do you have to be? you were already living the harsh reality and yet, you were sweet and kind enough to even care for the flowers. riddle smiled at the note and tucked it away in his pockets before climbing back up to his room.
he had to do something, otherwise it was too late. winter would be arriving soon and he doesn’t know if the money you earned from this day’s bundle of flowers would be enough for you to stay at an inn for the rest of winter and at the start of january. riddle felt determined to help you more than ever. 
you never stopped taking the flowers from his garden. seeing as the smeraldo flowers were all gone (except for the two flowers you left), he stole other species of florals. marigolds, roses, dandelions, moonflower, morning glory, every flower in the garden. riddle didn’t pay no mind to it. he was busy making something even more special for you to take so that you would for sure make some profit off of it. 
riddle always watched you take his flowers, slowly falling for you in the process. he was caught off guard at his change of emotions and how extreme they were whenever he caught your figure. he didn’t have to deny it- he was in love with you. this caused him even more determined to make something that no one could refuse. 
through time, riddle did ponder. what if he just talked to you? what if he just helped you? would you be scared of him because he lived in the manor you stole from? would you be embarrassed? the negative thinking never stopped, it drove him mad. he wanted to be able to talk to you calmly. he wanted to feel you. to hear your voice and tell him he is doing a great job. 
riddle let out a sigh of accomplishment, he was finally done. you see, riddle made a flower that was made of glass. it looked absolutely captivating. this would be a win-win since his mother was supposed to teach him this spell anyway and if she found out he achieved it without her help? my, she would be ecstatic! riddle felt giddy and couldn’t wait until nightfall had dawned upon the land. 
he watched intently from his window as the glass smeraldo flower shined in the bright night, waiting for your arrival. you would never be able to resist this, now would you? he felt proud of himself- something he rarely felt. but. . . there was an unsettling feeling growing in the pit of his stomach when you never came. hours have passed. it was already 2am. 
why didn’t you come back? 
days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. where are you? riddle wondered to himself, feeling glum. he has never felt this depressed and lonely in a while. a tear streamed down his face, he sadly glanced out the window where pure white snow covered the dirt road and some of the hedges and bushes. are you cold? riddle asked, as if he could talk to you telepathically. it worried him. the fact that you haven’t visited in two months.
riddle walked downstairs, his mother greeting him with the smell of strawberry tart, though, riddle wasn’t hungry. he didn’t have the appetite. riddle glanced at his mother, his eyes glossy from the tears. riddle’s mother gave a questioning look- albeit, she was worried what made him feel this way. he turned away and ran straight out the door and escaped the manor while his mother called out after her son. 
the redhead didn’t care, however, who gives two fucks? the fact that you haven’t been in his property for over two months worried him to death. he held the glass smeraldo in hand, breathing heavily as he dashed towards the village, eager to find you. his throat and nostrils hurt from the current weather and how he wasn’t in appropriate clothing. his eyes searched everywhere for you, but couldn’t find you wearing your signature ragged clothes and dirty socks. so, he asked the employee of a food stall he hid behind the first time he saw you selling flowers.
“excuse me, have you seen a girl around my age selling flowers around here?” the woman gave him a shocked then saddened expression. “young man, the lady you are looking for has passed away two months ago.” 
that sentence alone caused his world to shatter. you. . . you were gone. you were gone from this world and you were never coming back. riddle dropped the glass smeraldo as it broke into pieces, the life in it now fading away. he couldn’t accept it. he wouldn’t accept it. he was an idiot for not talking to you before. why was he such a coward? why did he have doubts? riddle felt tears roll down his cheeks as he hiccuped, trying not to make a sound from crying.
“son? are you okay? if you’re crying from the fact that the girl has passed, you two must’ve been close. she doesn’t have any friends besides you, i suppose.” you never had friends? riddle wiped his tears away and smiled sadly at the food vendor, “t-thank you. . .” he whispered, and picked up the pieces of the shattered glass smeraldo, then left to return back to his home.
the world felt gloomy. it felt like nothing, 
who knew that a mere stranger would have a huge impact on him.
-
“you want to help us paint the white roses?” cater grinned at you, giving you no time to answer and shoved you a bucket of red paint and a big brush. you internally groaned but agreed to paint anyway. it’s not like you had anything better to do. you dipped your brush in the bucket. after painting for a good two minutes, you placed your bucket down to stretch before noticing two unfamiliar flowers in the bush. they weren’t white nor red. 
they were a pale blue.
you felt yourself being mesmerized by the flower and stared at it before hearing a voice behind you. you flinched only to realize it was riddle rosehearts: the dorm leader of heartslabyul. “what are you staring at?” he asked from behind your shoulder. “oh, nothing. it’s just strange that these flowers are out of place. . .” you trailed off, staring at the flower once more. 
riddle chuckled, “that flower holds a special meaning,” your eyes lit up, wanting to know the meaning behind it. riddle smiled and gripped on the glass flower that he hid behind his back, holding back the tears of happiness he felt welling up his eyes. he never thought he’d see you again. 
you came back, flower thief.
.・゜-: ✧ :-  -: ✧ :-゜・.
a/n: happy angst???
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whittakerjodie · 4 years
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The Reader, The Timelord, and the Wardrobe (13th Doctor  X Reader)
Request:  13th x Reader Prompt- Stuck in the Tardis/ Storytime with Props from the Wardrobe -bonus points for lots of hats -Double Points for silly/sfw wardrobe malfunction
Words: 3k
Warnings: too much fluff, kinda crack at some points but thats what makes it fun!
A/N: This got kinda off of the prompt so im sorry! The inspiration was high for this one, thoguh, thank you for sending in a request and I hope that you enjoy this!!!!!1 
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   You dropped the sweater you were wearing onto the floor, letting the TARDIS take care of it. It was currently 9 o’clock at night (at least, it was according to the cheap watch you’d brought with you last time the Doctor picked you up) and you still had yet to settle on an outfit for the Doctor’s next surprise; the day had been full of them, but according to the timelord she’d saved the best for last. You were supposed to dress “comfortably.” Despite her instruction, you still wanted to dress nicely for her- which made the outfit selection process a lot more difficult as the signals mixed. 
“You almost ready?” The Doctor asked eagerly. She was sitting on a staircase down from where you were to give you privacy. You had no idea where the staircases lead, but the TARDIS wardrobe seemed to be full of them. More closets, perhaps? 
“Not quite” You said with a frown. “Are you sure you can’t just pick something out for me?” 
There was a pause and, for the briefest of moments, the worry that you’d said something wrong. The Doctor cleared her throat and gave a small chuckle. “Not sure my fashion sense would be best this time round” 
“Pleaaaaaaaaaasssssseeeeee?” You whined, kicking the pile of discarded clothes aside in defeat. “It could be another fun birthday surprise!” 
The selling point worked and the Doctor stood from her sitting place. You covered yourself with a rob that had miraculously appeared on a hanger near you as she ascended the stairs. 
“Alright, if you insist” She murmured with a playful roll of her eyes, avoiding you with them. 
“Well it is my special day” You answered back. She flashed you a split-second smile and began shifting through the infinity of clothes contained- if contained was even a word that could be applied to such a space - the wardrobe. 
You took a seat on a couch in the corner, admiring the crystalline walls. According to the Doctor, the wardrobe and hallways always changed to match the console whenever the space-time machine deemed it time for a remodel. Running your fingers over the wall, your mind drifted to possible earlier versions of the rooms, similar to your late night musings about the Doctor’s previous personalities. 
“Here,” she said, breaking you out of your focus. In her left hand she held a pair of jeans and thick snow boots. The boot matched the geometric designed multicolored winter jacket in her right hand, and the hat she was also trying to cling on to. 
“Good?” She asked, pulling matching mittens off of an unseen surface and between her teeth (the only method of display she had left) You laughed at her ridiculous position, deciding to toy with her a little further. 
“Sorry, Doctor, what was that?” 
“Iz thwis gwood?” Came her muffled repeat, garbled by the garment she had shoved into her mouth. You bit the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from ruining the game so soon. 
“Sorry, still didn’t catch that” The Doctor took a deep breath, preparing to respond, when one of the mittens fell out of her mouth. The soft impact broke through your willpower and you let out a loud laugh- one that was only encouraged by the Doctor’s annoyed expression. 
“Special day!” You used as armor. She picked the mitten off the floor and dumped her selections onto the couch next to you, setting her hands on her hips. 
“Very funny. Now get dressed, the ice lakes of- oh! Not supposed to say that. Don’t worry, though, that’s not the whole surprise!” She laughed nervously. “Alright… I’m going to … sit over there. “ 
She returned to her stair seat, huffing and mumbling under her breath about “Almost ruining it” You shrugged and started to pull on the pieces, sighing at the comfort that the thick winter jacket gave you. Ice lakes, hmm? It only took a few minutes and you were fully clothed, running your hands over your new outfit. It fit you perfectly, the colors complimenting your natural features well. 
“Thanks for helping her out, old girl” You whispered to the mirror in front of you. The lights grew a little brighter in response and you smiled. 
“Alright! All dressed” You cheered. The Doctor stepped in front of you again, grinning. 
“You look brilliant. Guess my talents were useful after all.” 
“For sure,” You chuckled. She held out her arm and you linked yours with it, nerves buzzing at the gesture and proximity. You experimentally reached your free hand towards her to rest it on her bicep, which, to your surprise, was quite established. The timelord adjusted to the touch immediately, leading you towards the doors of the wardrobe room. Like all TARDIS doors, they slid open when one approached. Or, more accurately, they should have slid open when you approached. The Doctor’s smile turned into a frown and she stepped back, taking you with her, then stepped forward again. 
The door did not budge. 
The Doctor chuckled, face relaxed, but there was a hint of nervousness to her tone. “Sure it’s just the old girl forgetting to open it. See?” She stepped closer and the door still did not open. You felt a mix of amusement and your own nervousness rise within you. 
“Uh, it’s still not opening.” 
“Yeahhhh….” The Doctor trailed off, pursing her lips. “Maybe she’s doing maintenance down that way. Lets try another” 
She pulled you towards another one of the doors available, re-establishing her grin. Once again, as the two of you approached, the door stayed closed. The Doctor’s grin did not fall; instead it stayed, although obviously forced. “Just need to try again, of course!” 
So the two of you went down each pathway and stairwell, up to each and every door displaced in the wardrobe room, until only one remained with the possibility of success. 
“Just the old girl having fun with us for your birthday, right?” the Doctor grumbled through gritted teeth. Your arms were no longer linked, hers crossed tightly against her chest. Yours were rolling the zipper of the winter jacket between two fingers, wondering if you should take it off. It was getting awfully hot in the room, and the sour attitudes slowly being adopted did nothing to help. 
“Doctor, I’m sure that's the case,” You tried to calm her down. “Look, we singled it down to one door. Obviously it’s this one”
However, as you stepped closer, you couldn’t shake the feeling that you had just jinxed things. Your fingers clenched into fists in your anxiety, the Doctor tensing as well. One last door. One last door. 
You were 10 feet away, and the door had not budged. 9 feet. 8 feet. 7 feet. 6 feet. 5 feet. 4 feet. 3 feet. 2 feet. And finally, 1 foot away. The Doctor hit her forehead against the door, groaning obnoxiously. Your limbs went limp, and your own groan matched the timelords. 
“I don’t understand!” The Doctor cried, pushing on the door.
“It’s not push,” You offered, and she glared at you. You awkwardly lifted your wrist to check the time. It was already 10 pm. The two of you had spent an entire hour out of the limited birthday hours left simply trying to leave a room. The Doctor cemented her feet and pushed against the door horizontally, grunting and groaning with the sheer effort. You knew that it was no use, trying to fight a time machine. 
“Doctor,” You said softly. 
“I will get us out of here,” She groaned, straining harder. 
“Doctor!” You yelled. She jumped in surprise and nearly fell to the floor. You offered a hand and lifted her back up. “It’s okay. Just try and think of what’s happened. If you don’t know we could always wait it out. I’m sure the TARDIS will sort it” 
The Doctor nodded, reaching to tuck her hair behind her ear. You completed the task for her and she grabbed your hand, bringing it back down by her side. 
“I’m sorry that this is happening. Such a waste of time. Hopefully there’s still time for the ice lakes.” 
“We’re in a time machine, Doctor. There’s always time for the bone lakes.” You said, squeezing her hands reassuringly. She lifted yours to her mouth, giving it a soft kiss as you pulled her back towards one of the couches so the two of you could sit and think. 
“But it won’t be a special birthday surprise” She whispered mournfully. You shook your head as she took a seat next to you, flopped over the couches surface with a frown. You scooted over so that her arm was practically over your shoulders, leaning into her side. 
“We’ve still got time left. 2 hours, according to my watch.” 
“You still have one of those?” The Doctor asked. You flashed the timepiece, letting her examine it. “Interesting. Most people who’ve traveled with me get rid of them. But I’ll add watches to the list of potential presents for the future.” 
“You don’t have to get me anything,” You laughed, as her fingers wrapped around your wrist in a not so subtle attempt to measure what size of watch she should shop for. 
“Of course I do,” She whispered. You realized how close the two of you were, leaning into one another. It was wonderful, despite the fact that your rising body temperature and winter coat combining to make everything feel utterly 
“I really need to get out of this coat,” You groaned. The Doctor’s eyes widened and you laughed, pushing yourself up off the couch and walking over to one of the clothing racks, hiding behind it so you could change. 
“I’ve had an idea!” The Doctor called from her place on the couch. You threw the coat across the room, thankful to be freed from your role as a hot pocket. The mittens and hat went next, followed by the snow boots. 
“Oh?” You inquired, unlacing them and setting them against the wall (deciding throwing them was not a safe option) When the timelord didn’t answer, you raised a brow. Keeping the jeans, you pulled a random shirt off of the clothes rack and pulled it over your head. 
“I visited Midnight and all I got was this lousy T-shirt?” You read, laughing to yourself. “What’s Midnight?” You asked. Once again, you got no response. With the TARDIS already malfunctioning once, you didn’t want to take any chances- what if she had misplaced the Doctor herself? You leapt out from behind the clothing rack. 
Thankfully, the Doctor was still stuck with you. Or, at the very least, you assumed it was the Doctor. Her entire body was hidden underneath a very large panda costume. You blinked, unsure of how to react. 
“Um. Doctor?” 
She laughed underneath the costume, shoulders shaking. “Just because we can’t go watch the great Stavron migration under the ice lakes doesn’t mean we can’t have fun! I thought a little bit of dress up would do the trick.” 
You laughed with her, poking the costume curiously. “When people say dress up I imagine fancy suits and dresses- where’d you even get this?” 
“I’ll never reveal my secrets!” She yelled. “Hang on” 
You watched her disappear behind a clothing rack, the Panda costume thrown across the room and landing in an awkward heap. A few more clothes followed suit before the Doctor emerged again, dressed from head to toe in a mish-mash of patterns and colors, topped off with a large brimmed red hat. 
“Doctor,” You laughed, “Come on, what’s all of this?” 
“A laugh!” She said, tipping her obnoxious hat in your direction. She smirked. “Looks like it’s working, hmm?” 
She disappeared a couple more times, with a different extravagant outfit each time. A three piece suit with a cowboy hat pattern accompanied by an actual cowboy hat, which reached the ceiling. A Zygon costume with a pink tutu to (not) match. Every single one made you laugh harder, until you had to hold your stomach to stop yourself. At some point she’d taken the knitted chicken hat she found and pulled it on top of your head with a mischievous smile. 
You were out of breath and your jaw ached, but it was the best pain you’d ever felt. The Doctor, realizing she’d pushed you past giggling limits, jumped back onto the couch next to you. She was currently wearing a large rainbow sweater with far too many enamel pins to count, pants that were striped in blue and pink, clown shoes, and a pair of fluffy mouse ears. 
“Doctor... “ You whined. “Where do you even find these clothes” 
“All sorts of places!” She said, feigning offence. “You don’t like the sweater?” 
“I love the sweater.” You reassured her. You lifted your wrist again. 10:30 pm. The Doctor frowned at the clock's face. 
“Do you want to check the doors again?” She asked softly, searching your face for any sign of discontent. 
“No,” You whispered, shaking your head. If you went around checking all of them again, it would likely lead to more disappointment and you only had so little time on your birthday left. “Will you tell me some stories to pass the time instead?” 
“Are you sure? We might miss out on the ice lakes for your special day” You smiled at the Doctor’s adorable frown and her concern. You placed a hand on her cheek, using her thumb to smooth the frown upward into a smile. 
“Doctor, you’ve already made today- and everyday- beyond special. You could sit here with me for the rest of eternity doing nothing and it would be all I could ever ask for.” 
“Y/n,” She murmured, her gaze softening and form relaxing. “You’re far too kind. Anything you could ever ask for, really?” 
You stared up into her hazel eyes, the ones that held an infinity of experience and knowledge, and offered an endless landscape of color and love, and your smile grew. No present, or memory, or trip could ever equate to the women you held in your hands and your heart. “Well,” You began, biting your lip. “I was thinking I could ask you for a kiss as well.” 
The Doctor’s eyes widened briefly but she gave no hesitation in her nod, which was eager. You sighed in relief and closed the distance between the two of you, absorbing every spark you felt as your lips met. The Doctor pressed more eagerly, and you carefully wound your arms around her neck to hold her tighter. The Doctor, trying to figure out what to do with her own hands, explored the area around your shoulders as you broke away for a quick, deep breath, before kissing her again. 
Her hands moved upward to cradle your head, and for a moment, you felt a slight bit of pressure against what would be the comb of the chicken’s head when a chicken cry rang throughout the room. 
The Doctor pulled back, mortified. 
“Uh- what the fuck was that” You stammered, face still red from the Doctor’s being pressed against it. 
“There- There’s a button there. For the noise, and I pressed it,” She answered quickly, face draining of blood. You blinked, unsure of how to respond. Your hands were still wrapped around the Doctor’s neck, which you could feel heating up. Deciding the situation was simply too incredible, you involuntarily let out a loud bark of a laugh, slapping one of your hands to your mouth to try and cover it up. 
The Doctor watched with eyes as wide as saucers as you lost it, trying to stop yourself. 
“I- I had no idea that was there! I swear! I’ve worn it before and everything and it’s never-” 
“Doctor,” you chuckled. “Doctor it’s fine, if anything it’s hilarious” 
“I didn’t imagine our first kiss being hilarious,” She said with a huff. Your face went slack. 
“You didn’t.. Imagine?” The Doctor avoided your gaze, adjusting her sweater. 
“N-Not that I imagined our first kiss of course, that would be weird. Right?” Her eyes shot back to you, brow furrowed. 
“Not at all.” You responded. You reached up to toy with the strands of the chicken hat, taking your chance to admit your own wishes “I imagined it too…” 
“Yeah?” 
“Yeah. Couple times.” 
“Was it?” 
“Was it what?” 
“What you imagined.” 
“Not exactly,” You admitted. “But I liked it. A lot.” 
“Oh!” The Doctor breathed, scratching the back of her neck. “Good. That’s always good.” 
“Do you know what would be better?” 
“What?” 
“Another one.” You pleaded, pouting. The Doctor grinned and dipped downward to capture your lips once more. Before they could meet you placed a single finger inbetween the two of you, preventing the contact. It was the Doctor’s turn to pout, looking adorably confused. “Another one after you tell me a story.” 
“Why can’t I kiss you now and then again after the story” She whimpered. You considered what she’d said, trying not to break. “Because it’s my birthday and I say so?” You offered. “Now tell me a story. One about a crazy adventure, and don’t spare a single detail.” 
“Alright, I suppose I can’t refuse a request on your birthday. Even if it’s not a birthday surprise I’ll do my best to make it happen; I’m amazing at stories.” She leaned back against the couch, offering her arm for you to slide under. You accepted it, cuddling into her side. 
She told more than one story, her voice soft and her eyes looking off into the distance, lost inside the memories she was describing to you. If you found yourself awake enough to latch onto your words, you could almost slip into them yourself. Five stories in, you spared one last glance at your watch. 11:58. 
Deciding it was good to call your birthday over with, you allowed your eyelids to shut. You felt the Doctor  kiss you once more, on the forehead, before letting you drift away in her arms. Though the day hadn’t gone as expected, you couldn’t have wished for anything else.
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diyunho · 4 years
Text
The Joker x Reader - “Trapped”
Almost one year ago, someone tried to kill The Joker in a speeding car and Y/N pushed him out of the way, getting hit instead. With a fractured skull and broken bones, she was out of business for 6 months; when she finally recovered, The Queen of Gotham wasn’t the same anymore. Trapped inside her own mind and exhibiting severe cognitive impairment, Y/N’s life switched upside down without any hope of ever returning to normal.
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Part 2     Part 3     Part 4     Part 5
“Do you think she’s faking it?” Santos whispers and his boss Jericho replies under his breath.
“Nope, not faking it. Y/N’s been like that since she recovered from the accident 5 months ago.”
The mobster and the newbie bodyguard watch you in silence while you cuddle with your yellow teddy bear: from time to time you kiss its forehead and then squeeze him tightly in your arms again.
“I heard rumors,” Santos addresses the gossip. “Is it true she’s like that because of Mister Joker?”
“Kind of,” Jericho mumbles. “Someone tried to kill him in a speeding car and Y/N pushed him out of the way; she got hit instead. Full impact, you know? Broken bones and fractured skull plus an inoperable hematoma that presses on her frontal lobe. She was out of business for 6 months and when she finally recovered… Well, you can see the result; major cognitive impairment. Not herself anymore…”
“You sure are informed boss,” Santos chuckles. “Weird a man like Mister Joker chose to allow this situation for so many months: 6 months for her to recover then 5 extra ones of this behavior… He’s not tolerant person.”
Jericho lifts his shoulders up, indifferent to the henchman’s insinuations.
“How do you think sex is?” Santos winks and a crabby voice freezes the words on his lips.
“Challenging,” J growls, displeased at the speculation on his private life.
The two mobsters turn in their chair and he passes by in a hurry, taking a sit by you on the small couch situated in the middle of the warehouse.
“I’m done inspecting the cargo, looks good. My crew is putting the money together for the payment; should be done shortly.”
Alarm chimes on his cellphone and he detaches a tiny pouch out of his suit’s pocket, getting your attention too.
“Hey Pumpkin, you have to take your meds.”
“Hm?...” the confused Y/N stares at him as she bounces the teddy bear on her knees.
“Here, take this,” J offers 3 capsules with a bottle of water and you have difficulty understanding the request. Yet he’s not annoyed and helps you regardless of having an audience: The Joker plainly doesn’t give a damn.
“Perhaps if you give her a lollipop she’ll be receptive; might improve sex also,” Santos snorts, ignoring Jericho’s instant warning:
“Watch your mouth!”
The offender is not worried though: he believes that being his boss’s protégé grants him immunity regarding his own carelessness.
“It might,” The King’s sinister grin creeps up on the red lips. “Thanks for the advice, I’ll try it.”
“She loves that teddy bear, huh?” Santos implies and surprisingly enough J explains why:
“I got it for her on our first date. We were walking downtown late at night, Y/N saw it displayed in a window at a toy store and loved it. So I shattered the glass, took it and both ran away since I triggered the alarm. I had this feeling that pretending to be sweet would get me laid.”
“Did it work?” the goon pressures for a confession, laughing at The Joker’s honest answer:
“No.”
“Sir!!” Panda yells from across the huge room. “Can we get you for a sec?”
“Excuse me,” he sneers and leaves the group while Jericho preaches to the bodyguard:
“Are you completely stupid?! Don’t say stuff like this in front of him!!”
“You’re one of his main business partners and he won’t risk initiating trouble. My opinion is that Y/N and Mister Joker are playing games, totally pretending about her condition. Let me try a puny experiment and find out if I’m correct.”
“What are you doing?!” the puzzled Jericho inquires as Santos gets up from his chair and sneaks by the sofa.
“I never had the pleasure of meeting Y/N, but if the information circulating around is accurate about her she will shred me to pieces if I do this.”  
He inspects the surroundings for a moment: not a soul nearby and the unexpected slap landing on your cheek makes you jump.
“Anybody home?” Santos bends over to analyze your reaction.
“Cut it out!” Jericho raises his voice, uneasy about his bodyguard’s deed.
“Mister Joker!!” Frost shouts from beyond a few creates he’s sorting out while keeping an eye on you.
Only idiots would have the impression J doesn’t have a system in place appointed to ensure your safety; obviously Santos is one of them.
“Boss!” Jonny reports to The Joker emerging from the back room. “Santos slapped Y/N!”
“I didn’t!” the latest defends his conduct, worried to notice your furious boyfriend stomping towards him.
“Let’s not be hasty,” Jericho attempts to fix this major mess-up yet The Clown Prince of Crime removes his gun from the holster, shooting Santos in the head: he knows Frost wouldn’t lie, thus he doesn’t need a justification for murder.
“Jesus, Mister Joker! You didn’t have to do that!” Jericho reprimands although he should zip it.
“You let him disrespect me on my territory?!” The Joker yanks at your hand. “Let’s go, Pumpkin!”
“I had no clue he’ll do it, ok?”
“If you can’t control your men, then give up leadership!” J drags you after him as you struggle to catch up. “The deal is off!” he screams and Jericho is unhappy about the outcome.
“What do you mean the deal is off??! We’ve been planning this for weeks!”
“Take your merchandize, disappear and I’ll enjoy my money, is that clear enough for you?!” the crazy green haired individual slams the gate, guiding you to the car in the parking lot. “Why are you such a pushover?” he angrily scolds. “I’m so tired of this crap!” J shoves Y/N in the passenger’s sit, aggravated to the point of blaming her for ruining his profitable transaction.
************* “That was such a good deal and I blew it! It’s all your fault!” he accelerates while you seek to make sense of everything thrown your way: when memories, concepts and sounds are melted in a brain lacking the affluence of logic, forming simple sentences physically hurts.
“You made me lose my temper!” The Joker lashes out since he’s aware his decision to cancel the arrangement with Jericho wasn’t the best. “You can’t defend yourself and you barely articulate elementary words! I miss having conversations with you, Y/N! Can your mind comprehend this?! You used to be funny, sassy and witty! You’re accountable for what happened, you dumb woman! I wouldn’t have done the same for you, I hope you know that!!!!”
You close your eyes, concentrating very hard on his remarks: something about wit, sass and… and…
It’s too much so you cover your ears, which prompts him to completely have a meltdown.
“Get out of the car!” he hits the breaks, leaning over to open the door on your side. “Get out I said!” he screams and forces you out against your will: you start crying, incapable of discerning what he wants and it makes you increasingly anxious. “Go be useless on your own!” he closes the door and takes off, abandoning Y/N without money or any other means in the industrial area outside Gotham City.
J continues to drive for another 15 minutes before halting at Southampton railway crossroads: the barriers are blocking the path and the red light keeps blinking, a sign the train is approaching. Not a lot to do besides waiting so he deeply exhales, still fuming at today’s events.
The Joker huffs at the sight of your teddy bear resting in between the seats; you probably dropped it when he nicely asked you to flee the vehicle.
Why are you attached to this boring stuffed animal to begin with? I mean, each time it requires washing you won’t budge from the laundry room until it’s returned to you. After the accident you carry it everywhere so maybe you wonder where it’s at…
J taps the steering wheel, pissed this idea randomly popped to bother him.
Nothing to be concerned about, he ditched you in the industrial area… that’s been closed for the last four years… the factories are empty, no people there… except creeps… searching for easy prey… like you…
“Fuck!” he abruptly backs out and the skid marks on the gravel certainly indicate he’s in no rush at all.
In less than 15 minutes he sees you limping on the right side of the road and slowly pulls over, waiting for you to get to the car. However, there’s a small fact The Joker didn’t anticipate: Y/N disregards the car plus its driver and keeps walking.
“Great…” he sighs. Stepping on his pride isn’t common practice for him, yet he grabs the yellow toy, sprints out of the SUV and follows the upset Queen. “Hey Pumpkin! Hey!!”  
You immediately turn around and stutter, frustrated:
“Y-you left me!!”
J is stunned to hear what he considers a whole tirade coming out of you; he’s positive it took a lot of effort.
“Umm…you forgot your teddy,” he extends his arms and you snatch it, hugging the plush bear to your chest. “I don’t understand what’s so important about a cheap…”
“Hm?” you frown, interrupting.
“The toy I got for you,” J repeats. “Why do you like it?” he simplifies the phrase so you can better process its meaning.
“Reminds…”, you strain really hard to organize your thoughts, “Reminds me… when you liked me… when I was… when I was  smart…” and you wipe your tears, upset. “Now… now I’m stupid…”
The Joker doesn’t know what to say and him not having a reply it’s a rare occurrence.
“You’re not stupid,” he mutters and because you won’t quit sobbing the question arises: “Hey Y/N, who’s my girl?”
What is he talking about…? A girl?...What girl?...
You spin to check your surrounding and J lectures, exasperated.
“For God’s sake, Princess. I’m talking about you: you’re my girl!”
“Hm?”
“Let’s put the neurons in your beautiful brain to rest, shall we? I think they’re oversaturated,” The Clown Prince of Crime decides, pleased to see he distracted you and you’re not crying anymore. “Are you hungry?”
You appear lost and he hints:
“You want food? We can get pizza, wings, possibly ice-cream from our favorite place. OK?���
“Pizza?” your face lights up and so does his without him realizing.
“A-ha. You love your peperoni, true?”
Oh boy, thank heavens the trick worked and you’re in the car again without any additional energy from his part; you didn’t caught on to it and it’s perfect. I guess your situation has a few perks.
“Hey Y/N, you know what else I miss?” The Joker cruises up the street, sulking. “Our fights! I swear I do! I lived for that shit! When you told me you hated me and I wanted to end you,” he snickers at the recollection. “If you hated me so much why did you save me?”
“No hate…” you smile and he’s truly amazed you kept up with his rambling. “Love…” you playfully touch his shoulder with the teddy bear’s paw.
The King of Gotham is speechless again; he avoids glaring in your direction and he’s relieved you don’t have enough transparency to notice how flustered he is.
“Pumpkin…” J grumbles in a low tone. “Do you believe that after that blood clot in your brain is reabsorbed, you’ll be more like your old self? The doctors said it won’t make a difference, but what the hell do they know?! Please say yes, even if it’s a lie. Hey Pumpkin,” he reiterates since you emotionlessly gaze at the landscape outside. “Say yes.”
“Hm?”
“SAY: YES,” The Joker persists.
“Yes?”
“Good girl,” he smirks and hastens towards the city. “You want ice-cream first?” the inquiry continues, yet J is used to monologues regardless. “Are you gonna let me have a bite? Can you predict what else I would like a bite of?” he leans over and whispers in your ear.
“Hm?...” the disoriented Y/N crinkles her nose.
“Dammit!” The Clown Prince of Crime exclaims. “You’re supposed to mention it’s indecent and then agree to it, Y/N!”
What does he want now?... something about  a bite?
You reach over and take his hand, sinking your teeth in the laughing mouth tattoo.
J snorts and then starts cracking up with all his heart, the awkward noises making you giggle.
”What am I going to do with you, Princess?” he shakes his head, amused nevertheless at your interpretation.
The Queen doesn’t answer, very captivated by The Joker’s silver grin; one could estimate it makes her happy although she can’t pinpoint the reason why. Y/N snuggles with the teddy bear that the madman stole for her on their first date hoping he’ll get laid, already delighted about their upcoming lunch.
The woman may not be the same person she was before the accident, but at least one detail is unchanged: she’s still The Joker’s Pumpkin.    
 Also read: MASTERLIST
You can also follow me on Wattpad and Ao3 under the same blog name: DiYunho.
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astrarche-x · 3 years
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The Poppy War: thoughts
Context: I saw this book heavily recommended on tumblr and even though I didn't research it (to avoid spoilers), it looked like something for me. I also realized recently that I haven't read a modern high fantasy in a while, so when my friend told me "hey, I've read this book and need someone to rant about it with", I was like "sure can I borrow it?". It is worth noting that my friend's tone was rather disapproving and we mostly share our taste in books, but still, I approached The Poppy War with a very favourable mindset.
Which didn't last very long.
Fortunately, after some time the book got better, so: disapproval first, praise later.
- the first part, aka Rin's time in academia, was so predictable and cliche I went through it purely out of malice (to be able to roast it). It was fitting every cliche you can find in a books set at school and bore me to death.
- Jiang: aaaa. This is coming from my personal experiences, but I've had a hard time with my "cool but weird" teacher lately and I just can't get past this trope without being angry at writers who do not acknowledge how toxic it usually is. (tho in Jiang's case it was more or less ok) Also the reveal of his backstory was very predictable.
- Rin: i couldn't bear how "edgy" she was. I started to like her when the actual war begun and she turned from "i'm not like others lol" to "i'm so scared, i want to be safe. also what is sleep". (also because she has been a chaotic mess the whole time and the war actually made it more believable). I had issues with her character though - for example she comes to the academia when she's like 15/16 and even though a lot happens to her over the course of the action, i had a feeling she hasn't actually matured. Did she develop? In terms of abilities, knowledge, rage etc - yes. But I didn't think she was more mature at the end and it really bothered me (as i was still picturing as a 15-year-old and had to constantly remind myself that she's an adult now).
- self-harm: uuh handled in a weird way? It's obvious that Rin's self-harming to cope with stress in academia is not healthy and the context shows that the heroine is under immense pressure which has a bad effect on her, but the narrative seems to present self-harm as a necessity to manage life and never really condemns it - not only explicitly, but any negative consequences of it are also absent.
- this book (and Grishaverse) would be more enjoyable if I hadn't taken that basic Russian course. I cringed every time I read Kitay's name (and it appears quite often...). Literally why name your character China? It's such a bad idea...
- I don't know if the original edition has trigger warnings, but oh boy, i kinda wish Polish one had them too. Not that they would actually stop me from reading this, but I started this book with intent to get some nice escapism with a tad of intellectual challenge and I wasn't quite prepared for what I got. I saw a post that talked about how in fantasy or sci-fi wars are a thing that just happens and serve more as a plot device, but are not treated as like an actual tragedy and how this isn't the case for The Poppy War. I think this is a very good point and I very much agree with this but I wish this book was marketed in a more accurate way (with mention of the genocides) than "cool protagonist goes from poor orphan to badass" (almost literal description from the back cover).
- on genocides: the Golyn Niis part was so hard to read. It totally gave me flashbacks to the time when we talked about Shoah in Polish lessons in high school and I had to read like 4 short stories by Tadeusz Borowski about Auschwitz, one novella by Zofia Nałkowska about investigating Nazi crimes and one book about the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising by Hanna Krall & Marek Edelman* (and it was all in the span of like 1-1,5 month) - all of which were written by survivors of said events, so it was an extremely difficult and emotionally exhausting read. Parts of The Poppy War had the same effect on me, so it shows the author really did her research and is to be appreciated, although while I would like to know what happens plot-wise in the next parts of the trilogy, I think it would be too emotionally draining for me to read.
- Having said all this, I found the Speer genocide theme really interesting. The legends and propaganda surrounding it, its impact on both country politics and Altan's (and Rin's) personal stories... Also I really liked how Rin's perception and understanding of it changed. Plus it served really well as a backstory - its effect on the whole plot was huge and manifesting in unexpected places but without the feeling of being hammered into reader's head.
- Altan: that guy. He was an interesting character, but a very unlikeable one. He was such an asshole... (And yeah obvs still trauma and all that but he really was one). Also I found it confusing that at the end of the book Rin was like "omg his power is so strong because he's fueled by revenge!"... duuh? It was obvious since her convo with Jiang about lore students?
- But generally Rin's relation to Altan was for me one of the strong points of this book. I'd say that Rin's emotions regarding him were very realistically written - admiration, longing for approval, the feeling of similarity, anger, frustration about his expectations, the need to rise to the challenge he posed, to be his equal... And then the shock as he fell from the pedestal she constructed; the understanding, the pity and the sadness. I loved how complicated that was and that we as readers got to see that Rin's Altan and the actual Altan were two different persons, even though the narrative is close to Rin's POV.
- Chaghan: he was my fave character. This is, again, personal, but works of fiction work 200% better for me if the characters are well-written - which The Poppy War rather lacked: few characters were interesting and even less were likeable. Chaghan was both - maybe he didn't have a big arc and was rather a secondary character, but he was intriguing, had that close bond with Altan (I ship them) and also was the most competent person in the cike (Quara was the second one). He was very straightforward and had that no-bullshit attitude, but unlike Rin, Altan etc., what he said and his actions actually made sense. So every time he had to went away from the main character I was devastated...
- What I really enjoyed about this book was the parts about shamanism. I'm not an expert about what goes on in modern fantasy, but I have a feeling that a character of a shaman often appears in a very exoticised way (wonder why is that /s), whereas in this book it was treated seriously and was a basis for a great magic system. 9/10 very original take, highly recommend.
* books mentioned: "Medaliony" by Zofia Nałkowska, "Zdążyć przed panem Bogiem" (eng: Shielding the flame) by Hanna Krall & Marek Edelman, Pożegnanie z Marią by Tadeusz Borowski
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elexica · 3 years
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Second Chance Christmas {{ December 22 }}
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Holiday shopping, Christmas cookies, and a movie marathon... and maybe a touch of actual communication?
https://archiveofourown.org/works/27832405/chapters/68577144#workskin
Full chapter under the read more. 
Joey wandered downstairs at seven in the morning.  He was surprised to see Kaiba inspecting the to-do list on his fridge in between long swigs from his KC branded mug.
“You haven’t finished holiday shopping?!” Kaiba’s panic-whisper sounded like he was really concerned about whether Christmas was ruined.  His eye contact was almost frenetic.
“I thought I’d leave the kids with Serenity while I do the shopping, she’s supposed to be working the Christmas day shift at the hospital, so she was going to have a couple nights off… I mean it’s not…” Joey looked at the ceiling, as if he could avoid conflict if he didn’t meet the burning blue flames in his ex’s eyes.  He steeled himself with a deep inhale.  “It’s not as much of a production when you’re not here.”
The KC mug hit the kitchen island with not-insubstantial force.  The fruit dish shook with the vibration, bananas swinging from the hook, and Joey tore his eyes from the ceiling to see the drops of black coffee that had hit the granite.  
“And what, exactly, is that supposed to mean?” Kaiba asked, or rather hissed, without a questioning lilt in his voice.
Joey cracked his knuckles involuntarily.  Instead of letting his fingers ball into fists, he jerked open the refrigerator door and yanked out the carton of orange juice.
“You’re a smart man.  I’m sure you can guess.”  Joey didn’t look away from the task at hand.  He militantly focused on pouring orange juice into a tall clean glass.
And there was that sinister “Kaiba” gravel, every bit as menacing as it had ever been as he hissed over the kitchen counter, “Enlighten me.”  He sounded like Yugi’s troubled teen nemesis again.
Joey flipped around, gripping the orange juice to keep himself from saying too much that he would regret.  “Things are more mellow, now.  It isn’t about going overboard to prove a point.”
Kaiba blinked, clearly expecting a harsher phrasing. “Is it now?”
“Yeah.  When I was a kid I didn’t have much for Christmas and I came out just fine…”  Here it comes, Joey thought, trying not to show the hesitation in his voice as he finished, “They don’t have to be spoiled rotten.”
Joey smirked as he said it.  Commenting on their different parenting styles was a low blow, but it had been just too much fun.  Joey thought regret would drop into his stomach, but it never hit.  Instead, his heart jumped a little, the thrill of getting a rise out of Kaiba as seductive as ever.
“Spoiled?!” Kaiba’s voice lowered in volume and tone.  Joey didn’t even try to suppress his mocking grin.  Instead, he chugged the rest of his orange juice, slammed down the glass and bolted from the kitchen.
“Get back here!” Kaiba said.  Tonally, it was a shout, but volume-wise?  Neither of them wanted the kids to wake up quite yet, even though there were probably only minutes left on the clock in that regard.
Joey slid on his socks as he ran down the hallway, drifting as he took a sharp turn.  Kaiba sprang to life, suddenly in hot pursuit.
Kaiba was fast, with those long, toned legs and that Terminator-like determination.  But he hadn’t spent the last three years wrangling toddlers and chasing after Alexis, who just loved wandering off at the most inopportune times.  Plus, while Kaiba had memorized the floor plan at one time, Joey was recently and intimately familiar with it.  
The tie breaker was the stairs—with a carved bannister that had seen better days, days before Atticus had been allowed poster paint and before Alexis had taken a tap class.  Finally, Joey’s socks gambit came to bite him in the ass as the smoothness of the glossy wooden stairs and the lack of traction from the socks caused him to slip.  And that wave of tripping Joey collided into a scampering Kaiba, and the two of them tumbled down the stairs.
The resulting clatter woke the kids up.
. . .
The mall was a zoo—minus the organization.  Children were everywhere, and somehow all screaming at once.  Everyone looked stressed, perhaps the employees most of all.  And Joey realized that he didn’t really have a strategy.
Leaving the kids home with Kaiba was a luxury, and he had sort of forgotten how nice it was to have back up childcare that wasn’t molded around Serenity’s shifts as an RN.  It was sort of strange too, because it was one of the few things that was completely new.
Before they separated, Kaiba never watched the kids alone—they had a full staff for that.
Would they all have a miserable time?  Joey smirked to himself as he strolled past another festive display—a family of mannequins in matching flannel pajamas. Being outnumbered by the kids could be quite a problem, and although Alexis had lone wolf tendencies, when they combined forces the two were quite powerful.
Joey idly imagined what sort of hell they might put Kaiba through as he shopped for some small things to put in their stockings. He was knocked out of his reverie by eyes fell upon a yo-yo display at the toy store.
After picking up a few small trinkets—and decidedly no yo-yo’s, Joey approached the cash register.
He was not pleased to find an unfamiliar credit card in his wallet.  When did Kaiba even have the time to slip that in?  Joey ran his thumb over the raised letters of his own name.  Did Kaiba just have these lying around? In any case, Joey steadfastly refused to use it, tucking the heavy black card back into the recesses of his worn leather wallet.
He contemplated, momentarily, throwing it in one of the trash bins that he passed by, overflowing with spent holiday Starbucks cups and overly long receipts.  But if someone did get ahold of it, they might ring up some charges that could look like Joey was actually using the card.  It would ruin the integrity of the refutation.
But the little rectangular siren was hard to keep from his mind.  Every time he made a purchase, there it was, tempting him to draw from an unlimited account.  Snap shut the golden handcuffs again, the card whispered. Make everything easier.
But Joey Wheeler was a determined man.  Detractors might use the phrase stubborn, but it didn’t matter which one was more accurate.  When he had a plan, he stuck to it.  To the bitter end.  So even though he was pushing the admittedly fragile budget to it’s limits at the music store and on Cyber Angel card packs, it remained sealed away.
Until he passed a very sad looking fundraiser.
Joey considered, as he lingered past the charity drive seeking toys for a group home for teens in the Bronx, that he might put the card to use.  He realized he seemed a little off, staring down the charity workers, who were dressed as unconvincing elves, with the big collection boxes.
Joey had a timetable.  He had a not unimpressive list still remaining.  But that fucking card was burning a hole in his pocket.  It was practically radiating heat.
But he caved.  He lost the battle with the black card when he emptied the local game shop’s entire stock of new model-duel disks and donated them.  Joey was trembling as he signed them over, what the name of the donor would be.
He settled on anonymous and determined that he would cut the card into fifty pieces the second he got home and scatter the shards through the trash.  The damn thing was too tempting.
By the time Joey pulled into the driveway and slammed open the front door, he was ready to fight about what had happened.
But his family wasn’t immediately in view.  The lights in the kitchen were on, and Joey could hear soft classical covers of Christmas music and he thought he could make out the sound of Alexis laughing.
The wind was knocked out of him when he turned the corner to see Kaiba’s black turtleneck splattered with flour.
The whole kitchen had taken a beating.  Flour hadn’t just tarnished Kaiba’s polished look—it had dusted the cabinets and part of the fridge Kaiba must not have realized how easily dry ingredients spray from the stand mixer if dropped in first.
The kitchen counters certainly were not spared from the ingredient massacre.  The entire kitchen island was covered in flour, some spilled food dye—which Joey could already sense would never come out of the granite—and a surprising amount of raw egg.
Upon further inspection, Kaiba was actually the one least impacted by the ingredient apocalypse.  There was sugar and frosting all over Alexis’s face—how, Joey might never know—and Atticus had managed to paint some of his hair blue with blue frosting.
“Alright.  Cookies are decorated and prepared for Mr. Claus, fulfilling your contractual obligations,” Kaiba said resolutely, as if he had not turned their living space into a warzone. “What is next on the festive itinerary?”
“First rule of Christmas: you must get munk’d!” Atticus announced.
Joey knocked on the boundary wall of the kitchen to announce his arrival.  He expected Kaiba to look much more surprised than he did.  Instead, Kaiba’s affectionate attention merely pivoted between Atticus and Joey.  It was warm and familial, and it sent a pang of heat and guilt and maybe something else down Joey’s spine.
“Next is getting this cleaned up, I think,” Joey said, finding himself in uncharted territory.  It felt weird to be the responsible one out of him and Kaiba.  He still wasn’t used to being the buzzkill parent, and he didn’t like it.
Kaiba could have said something mean—made some comment about would spoil the fun, but instead he nodded politely.  “Yes,” Kaiba surveyed the room.  “I think that would be the next step.”
While the kids groaned at the thought of helping with the chores component of the activity, Joey went to inspect the output.
Apparently, Kaiba had lead the kids through the process of making gingerbread men.  Four were set aside and logically decorated to be their family: a stretched out one with blue blobs for eyes and a little black gel icing frown, a slightly more squished one with yellow on top in some sort of approximation of Joey’s hair, and two smaller ones representing each kid.
They really did look like a family.
“You can’t eat those ones,” Kaiba instructed from over Joey’s shoulder.  Joey startled at the interruption.  He hadn’t realized his ex had gotten so close, and was looming over him properly.  
“I figured they might be a little special.”
“Frankly, I don’t know that I’m comfortable with Santa eating them.  I’m a bit worried he’d just bite my head off, and leave him as an example to the others.”
Joey laughed.
“I don’t think Santa’s supposed to leave death threats to the cookies, Kaiba.  But uh…” Joey reached for another plate which had not been as lovingly decorated.  He tore the little head of a random gingerbread man with this teeth, and noted the nice flavor.  Butter and molasses and a hint of cloves.  He placed the decapitated body of the gingerbread man back down on the display plate. “This guy’ll scare the rest of ‘em straight.”
. . .
After everyone had gotten cleaned up and changed into pajamas (and Joey had discretely moved the gifts into the master bedroom closet), the family reconvened in the living room.
“Oto-san, are you ready for the greatest movies ever made?” Atticus announced.  He seemed confident that his father wasn’t ready—and he was right. “Are you ready to get… ‘munk’d?”
Kaiba poked at his reading glasses and adjusted his laptop screen.  He had been working on some spreadsheets or something, but his interest was obviously piqued.
Joey smiled.  He knew exactly what Kaiba was in for, and he was going to savor it.
“Munk’d?” Kaiba repeated back carefully, as if he was worried it was a swear or a slur.
“Yeah!” Atticus grabbed the remote and deftly navigated the SmartTV through a few different apps before finding exactly what he was looking for. “It’s a quadrilogy.”
Kaiba slowly tiled his laptop screen down.  “That’s not a word.”
“I have an inventive spirit, Oto-san!” Atticus’s smile beamed forward as he continued to queue the feature film.  Without looking away from the screen, Atticus added, “Just like you.”
The soft smile that graced Kaiba’s features stung at Joey immediately.  And it vanished at the first pitchy note of the CGI Alvin and the Chipmunks warbling through Daniel Powter’s 2005 hit, “Bad Day.”
“See, they’re kids, but they’re also rock stars!” Atticus enthused.  Before Kaiba could get out any other response, Atticus cracked up at the vintage CGI creatures jumping into a muffin basket.
“It’s okay if you don’t like this one, Oto-san,” Alexis offered, hopping up on the couch on the other side.  “They get better when they introduce the Chipettes in the Squeakquel.”
Joey wished he had photographed the resulting look of horror on Kaiba’s face.
Joey leaned back in his own arm chair, nursing a fresh mug of hot cocoa.  “Quadrilogy, Kaiba.  That means there are four of them.”
After the first movie, the kids we already starting to wear down a little.  Kaiba had sat through the entire thing, undulating between puzzled and disturbed at the dated animation, the fact that the chipmunks had managed to get into and out of a dishwasher unharmed, and that the moral of the movie appeared to be that brothers should be very careful about who adopts them.
“This entire thing could have been prevented if the Chipmunks had just retained counsel before signing the relevant contracts,” Kaiba said dismissively.
Joey couldn’t help but laugh.  “It’s about family, Kaiba.”
Any further discussion was cut off by the raucous opening music for the Squeakquel and ninety-ish minutes later, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.
It was a true Christmas miracle that the kids passed out on the couch before the start of Alvin and the Chipmunks 4: The Road Chip.
Joey met Kaiba’s slightly tired eyes.  Admittedly, the ending of Chipwrecked was somewhat jarring.  Frankly, the entire thing was more of a fever dream mixed with memes from 2011 than a sensible film.  “Alright, I’ll take Alexis, if you can take Atticus?”
Kaiba nodded solemnly, accepting the delegation.
Alexis was usually pretty easy to get to sleep, though sometimes she was anxious from the day’s events, or too busy planning the next day to focus on getting to bed.  Joey was not at all surprised that Kaiba was taking longer to get Atticus down for the night.  He peered through the cracked door to see Atticus’s room illuminated by the little nightlight—shaped like a music note.
In the dim light, it was clear that Kaiba was sitting on the edge of Atticus’s bed.  Atticus was all tucked in, holding his Red Eyes Black Dragon plushie, and gazing up at his father.
“And every night when you go to sleep…” Seto prompted, sounding almost like a strict teacher.
“I am loved,” Atticus replied.
“And every morning when you wake up?” Seto started the second part of the call and response.
“I am loved,” Atticus answered, “Oto-san, you don’t have to say it every night when you’re around!  I know you love me.”
“It is important to me that you never doubt it, and never forget it.  Even when I’m not around.”  Joey’s heart could have melted in that second.
Atticus laughed.  “You’re so sappy, Oto-san.  I don’t know why Uncle Honda calls you a frozen bastard!”  
Joey could barely muffle his reaction.
Kaiba’s face whipped around to the cracked open door.  “Jounouchi?”  He whispered harshly.  But it was to no real effect.  Joey was already lost to laughter, and dashed through the hallway.  By the time Joey dared to retrace his steps back to Atticus’s door frame, Kaiba had vanished.  
. . .
It was not hard to guess where Kaiba had retreated to.  Joey pushed open the door of the study and was met with the increasingly familiar sight of his ex-husband in his oxblood leather chair, swirling a glass of expensive, aged, imported whiskey in his long fingers and staring at it like it held the secrets of the universe.
“I saw you with Atticus,” Joey offered, wandering into the study.  He looked more at the full shelves of books than at his ex.  Most of the volumes were in Japanese, but a select few were in English.  Warren Buffet’s autobiography was open on his lap, but Joey was fairly sure he wasn’t actually reading it.
“Yes,” Kaiba answered, flipping the page.   No, Joey was sure he hadn’t actually read it, his eyes never really left the swirling amber.
“And he musta overheard a call with Honda.  It wasn’t on purpose or anything.”
Kaiba nodded wordlessly.
“You really do miss them, huh?” Joey asked, trying not to sound as nostalgic as he felt.
Kaiba’s face remained stoic, but he took a sip of the whiskey instead of answering.  Only that asshole could make something so mundane utterly captivating.  Joey hated that he would wait for a response as long as he needed to.  Joey’s eyes searched the hand clasping the glass, and noted with a brutal sinking feeling, that the ring was off again.
“Why are you here, Jounouchi?” Kaiba asked finally.
“It’s my house, now.  I can go anywhere I want,” Joey announced.  Kaiba ignored this answer, and turned his head down to the book on his lap.  He flipped another page.
Joey considered whether he should just leave, skip out on the argument, avoid it all and properly give up.  Let his ex-husband drink his gross fancy liquor and read his boring book and luxuriate in the solitude as only Seto Kaiba could.
But it had been three years.  Three years of not demanding answers.  Three years with no clarity.  So Joey broke the silence.
“Why didn’t you fight for me?  For our family?  Even for a second?” Joey felt the heat in his own voice, burning the back of his throat.  That was how it was, fighting with Kaiba.  A never ending battle of fire and ice.
Kaiba was silent, and took a long sip of the Japanese whiskey.  He closed the book, which was more respect than Joey had anticipated.
“That’s what broke my heart, really.”  Tears threatened to fall out of Joeys eyes as he said it. “That I told you that it was over, and you couldn’t spare one shred of anger, or sadness, or anything.”  Joey hated the pleading tone in his own voice.  “It felt like you had already dumped me.”
Kaiba raised his glance from the book cover, the amber glass, and instead looked him dead in the eye.  Joey wondered if those blue eyes had always been so lifeless and hollow.  “So, you wanted me to argue with you?”
“I don’t know,” Joey answered, running a hand through his messy blond hair.  He hadn’t planned the whole argument out.  Frankly, he hadf didn’t expect any response.
“Our children didn’t need to watch that,” Kaiba said.
“Watch what?  A conversation?  An argument?  You think it would have been worse for them to hear their parents argue or yell once than… going through a whole fucking divorce?” Joey’s volume crept up and he was done controlling it.
Kaiba didn’t answer.  He looked into the glass again, but didn’t lift it.
“Or what?  What couldn’t they see?  You actually respect my time?  Respect me?” Joey wasn’t used to having the rhetorical upper hand, and he wasn’t going to waste it, gesticulating wildly.  “I got no respect my whole life, I wasn’t gonna let my kids see me treated like that too.”
For all the theatrics, Kaiba scarcely responded.
“Watch it happen again,” Kaiba almost whispered.  There was a ghostly quality to the statement, as if Kaiba neither meant to say it nor for Joey to hear it.  Kaiba cleared his throat and started again.  He brought his eyes back up to meet Joey’s.
“I learned that lesson a long time ago,” Kaiba’s jaw was clenched so tightly the words almost didn’t escape.  “I’m not trying to be loved by someone who doesn’t love me.” Kaiba’s fingers twitched, as if he wanted to fiddle with something.  But his control and focus wouldn’t let him give in.
For Joey’s part, he stood and tried to absorb these complete non-sequiturs.
“I can’t, and I won’t, try to force or trick you or anyone else into caring about me.  I have paid dearly for that miscalculation before.  I will not make the same mistake again.”  
For all of the “slow” comments he had been subjected to over the years, Joey caught up quickly enough to what Kaiba was referring to.  And he wasn’t going to let him play that card, get out of all responsibility because he had emotional constipation.
“You realize there’s a difference between someone asking you to be a better partner and… and not loving you anymore.  Asking you to adjust some things instead of… never wanting to see you again.  Things aren’t just black and white!” Joey answered.
“Divorce papers are black and white, Jounouchi.”  Kaiba finally downed the rest of the glass, the lilt of his voice the same as a “check mate.”
Joey hated to be the first to raise his voice but that door had already been opened.  He wasn’t going to be able to get the toothpaste back in the tube.
“Have you met you?! You wouldn’t listen to anything less!  And I tried!” Joey shouted, hands raised defensively.
“I wasn’t going to stay where I wasn’t wanted, and you made it very clear that you didn’t want to be with me.”  Kaiba didn’t answer with the same volume, but the intensity was raised and the harshness of his voice was jarring.  His eyes narrowed like a hawk eying prey.  “I didn’t change, for the record.  I did not degrade or fail or alter in any way.  No, I stayed exactly the same.  You simply decided you did not want that anymore.”
“You’re damn right, I was sick of being disrespected.  I spent a lot of time not wanting to feel that way anymore.  And you really wouldn’t take my feelings into consideration.  Was I supposed to tolerate that forever?” Joey’s volume increased with every clipped sentence.
Kaiba’s voice became more languid—as if he was more comfortable responding to the anger.  He sounded somewhat like he was pondering his answer as he said it.  Drunk on whiskey and a philosophical sense.  “Isn’t that what you promised you would do?  What unconditional love is supposed to be?  Unconditional: without conditions.  And yet, after years, suddenly you have conditions—"
“Excuse me?” Joey interrupted.
“You promised.  That your love for me, for our family, was unconditional.  And then, years later, you have a set of demands.  That is the very essence of a condition.”  Kaiba finished the glass with his scholarly speech, placing it next to the decanter.  He shoved the book onto the side table as well.
“There’s a difference between not loving someone and wanting to be treated like your damn husband.”  Kaiba’s tone rubbed off on him somewhat, as if it was a scholarly discussion about the terms of their marriage.  Like if he could just explain it clearly enough, he could talk his husband back into their marriage.
Kaiba kept his hands busy pouring another glass.  “Well you were right.  You’re doing better now, aren’t you?  Enjoying your work, the kids are fine.  You proved it—you don’t need me at all.  And you don’t want me.  In three days, I’ll be gone, and you can go back to your better way of life.”
“It’s not—I’m not better now!  I’m fine, things are fine, just different and—” Joey stuttered, hands defensively raised.  “And, and having you here has been... It hasn’t made anything worse.  It’s like you changed for the better.”
“I don’t change, Jounouchi.  I am who I am.” Kaiba said, the cruel air of finality sounding as much like a business decision as anything else.  
Joey’s eyes widened and he gestured wildly.  “Fuck, Kaiba… Then what’s this?!  You’ve made it for three days actually being… just, present.  For once.  Three years too late.  Why?  Why now and not then?”
Kaiba shrugged and looked away.
Joey closed the distance, looming over his ex-husband, perched in the chair.  “I know why,” Joey said, menace in his voice.  “It’s because you only respond to threats.  Consequences.  And now you know the consequences, so you’re getting your act together.”
Kaiba met his eyes, but looked brutally tired.  “I am trying to give you what you want for a few days, Jounouchi.  Call it a Christmas present to the father of my children.”
“You’re saying this is an act?”
He titled his head all the way back, eyes glued to the ceiling and thumb and forefinger pinching his nose bridge, just above the wire of his glasses.  “I don’t know what this is, Jounouchi.  Just be happy, or whatever, and leave me in peace.”
Joey really thought about leaving.  He wanted to.  But he wasn’t quite done, not really, and he’d been avoiding this fight for years.  Joey never used to back down from a fight, and neither did Kaiba.  It brought them to blows for years, and the avoidance of conflict had been more sickening than any gut-punch Joey had ever taken.
“I’m not gonna.”  Joey said, simply.  Hands on his hips, standing his ground.
Kaiba leaned up again, head snapping to attention, hand already on the crystal decanter.  “What?”
“Leave.  I’m not gonna do it.  You can try to make me.  I’m not done, alright?!  You’re obviously not done,” Joey pushed forward, grabbing Kaiba’s wrist and pulling his hand off of the decanter.  “Make it easy.  Say you’ll be better, Kaiba.”
“I won’t do that.  I don’t change, Jounouchi, because I can’t change.”  Kaiba did nothing with his wrist, except allow it to go limp in Joey’s grasp.  It was as if he was that confident in the strength of his words that he didn’t so much as care to tense a muscle.  “I will ask you once more, nicely.  Get out of my office.”
“No.” Joey dropped his wrist, and Kaiba retracted it into his lap.  “You can change.  You did.  You just didn’t notice.”  It felt good, Joey thought, being honest for once with this man that he used to love.
“I have work.”
“You don’t.  They can’t fire you.” Joey got up in his face, so close he could smell Kaiba’s shampoo.  Other than the soft sandalwood scent, it felt a bit like when he was riling up a rival high school bully back in Domino.  “Fight me!  Make me leave!  You want me to go so bad?  Then make me!”
Kaiba smirked, knowingly.  Then he leaned his head back against the chair.  His bangs fully eclipsed his eyes. “I won’t.  I’ll just sleep here.” There it was again.  The checkmate tenor.
“Fine!” Joey plopped down in the seat next to him, the velvet of his matching seat just soft enough.  “Then I’ll sleep here too.”
If Kaiba shifted his eyes to check, Joey couldn’t tell under the thick brown bangs.   In any case, the stubborn ass didn’t get up.  He didn’t storm off or leave.  He just stayed there, like a determined rock under Joey’s constant observation.
After about half an hour, Joey heard the even breathing pick up into a light snore.
In the morning, Kaiba awoke alone in the guest room, with no memory of how he got there.
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smile-files · 3 years
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melon’s comprehensive kinlist!
including name of character, source, image, short personality description, mbti, and then why i kin them! take your time to read, or don’t. i get it if you don’t want to scroll through an entire page just to psychoanalyze me lmao, have a good time
1. wirt (over the garden wall)
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an angsty, socially awkward dweebus who nerds out over interior design and plays the clarinet. fears death. infp.
my first kin! for a month after rewatching otgw i desperately wanted to be him. to be like him. anything!! it eventually wore away but i still feel that urge sometimes - the urge to write r/im14andthisisdeep poetry and to distance one’s self from their siblings... and heck - his tape for sara is indeed just as awkward as he is but let me assure you that his poetry and clarinet are actually pretty cool. 9/10 i need to see him more. give me more otgw comics. ok thanks.
2. snufkin (moomins)
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a philosophical vagabond of vague age. acts stoic all the time but can and will leave every social situation whether or not it’s humanly possible. infp.
after watching some 90s moomin (and later on moominvalley) i realized how much i liked him and how much i was like him; i soon daydreamed of myself, as snufkin, venting to someone. it made me very happy. i vibe with his general demeanor and ideals (minus his gripes about rules, i follow those by the book) and i love psychoanalyzing him. so fun. so fun.
3. arnold perlstein (the magic school bus)
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overly-anxious jewish kid and certified expert on rocks and panicking. owns a pair of fire-proof pyjamas in a lovely shade of green. isfj.
you all saw this one coming. my early childhood lives in my mind rent free and such i can’t help but revisit arn and his character. i’ve always loved him (even in, and quite possibly especially in, the reboot) and i’ve always loved psychoanalyzing every single little thing he does (remember that one time he said he was traumatized? me too). i soon realized a lot of it was me projecting! so sue me. actually, sue miss frizzle. either one of them. i mean, if arnold really didn’t like the field trips he could’ve just filed a restraining order! ...just saying.
4. fluttershy (my little pony)
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anxious pastel butterfly baby child. probably loves animals more than she loves herself. cries upon impact. isfj.
the pony i’d mentally point to and think “me”. i had like 10 fluttershy-related things growing up, like plushies or funko pops or that sdcc guardians of harmony thing. while not shy in the same manner, it was nice having a character i could relate to about so much! i cosplayed as her equestria girls form for my first comic con as well, so that’s pretty cool. in addition, me being a little lepidopterist means i was bound to love her. it was destiny~
5. lammy lamb (um jammer lammy)
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socially anxious and generally anxious rock star who thinks literally everything is a guitar. has an emotional support girlfriend. infp.
man!! she embodies the feeling when you have to go to the eye doctor by yourself to get your glasses fixed or when you have to call someone over the phone... that sheer tension. the panic. the feeling of ‘i want to throw my entire being into the trash can’. but lammy has a bunch of friends to support her, so she’s cool. died by slipping on a banana peel! same, sister. and man would i like to shred on my ukulele now...
6. loser (bfb)
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humble (screw bfb 21), supportive, well-loved cube dude who’s voice is like that of an angel. has an entire fanclub in his honor. enfj.
okay, no, i was never a cool kid or ‘popular’, really, but in school i was never bullied for whatever reason and was generally well-liked; i hung out with a squad of weirdos and yet the cool kids would often talk to me? and try to engage me?? despite my very apparent self-deprecation and awkwardness??? either way i feel like it’s such a blessing to me, that i have so many friends! i often feel like i don’t deserve it, but hey. it’s nice! and heck, back when i was on scratch i had a little fanclub myself :0
7. fan (inanimate insanity)
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nerdy, friendly aspie boyo who subliminally vents via blogging. longs for stability in his life; was best friends with an egg. entp.
ever since i noted his aspergers-like behavior i became super attached to him - whether or not it was intentional, i found it nice having a character i can relate those feelings with. he’s really sweet and dorky and i love how he gets along with test tube, paintbrush, and lightbulb! it makes me really happy to see him whenever i do. it made me really sad when he was eliminated. what the heck. yeah i dunno i don’t kin him super strongly but i love him to bits.
8. spinel (steven universe the movie)
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emotionally unstable clown girl who stood in a garden for thousands of years. patience of a saint. edge like an 11-year-old me. esfp.
uhh um uh totally wasn’t completely disturbed by how much i related to spinel after watching steven universe the movie... totally wasn’t reminded about how and why i hated middle school... totally didn’t rethink my life that day... that’s it. this is all i’m saying.
9. molly blyndeff (epithet erased)
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innocent child who has a terrible father and a wonderful demeanor. teddy bear who needs a hug and a criminal as her new dad. infp.
epithet erased is adorable okay?? i knew molly was infp in the first few minutes... more precisely, i knew she was me. man!! i don’t relate directly to her angst but i still feel it. i can replicate her voice so accurately it’s scary. also, i coined a new thing -  ‘molly cake’! you have a chocolate cake, preferably with chocolate chips inside. use chocolate frosting and add little pastel star sprinkles! on top! my mom would make this cake for us anyway but then i realized it was literally just molly in cake form. and it’s just as sweet!
10. tommy coolatta (hlvrai)
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a 30-something-year-old child who rocks a propeller hat. chose his last name off of a dunkin donuts menu despite the fact that he has a father. infp.
everyone loves tommy. he’s so sweet? and funny and loveable?? often times when i say something funny but bizarre, i just remember that tommy has said ‘soda helps you see faster’ and it makes me happy. if i’m going to be a weirdo i want to be the wholesome weirdo who loves soda and has a .png for a dog! also i legally have to kin tommy. i took a test for it (and i’m not complaining! i find it quite flattering).
11. twyla (monster high)
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the daughter of the boogeyman; would very much like to boogey out of here, if you know what i mean. avoids people like the plague. infj.
seeing her role in the show and in the movies, i really love twyla? first of all, her voice is my new favorite thing. it’s like... gravelly? and soft? she’s the type of person who would very much like to disappear when in a crowd; thankfully, she literally can. i am drawn to any sarcastic, self-deprecating introvert who takes care of their bonkers extrovert friend (in this case howleen), as i often act as such myself. also the phrase ‘boogey sand’ will never leave my mind now :)
12. lapis lazuli (steven universe)
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water gem who wants you to leave. cynical as all heck, sensitive as all hell. is there such thing as a gem therapist? just asking. infp.
in a similar way to twyla, i vibe with lapis’ sarcasm and wit as well as her emotional side. it can be kind of addicting, isolating one’s self. anywho, me and my sister used to do this routine of yelling up to each other this certain dialogue between lapis and peridot when peri was leaving for something (in which lapis replied to everything she said with dry ‘yeah’s); i would always do lapis’ part. i do reply a lot with ‘okay’ or ‘yeah’ or ‘cool’ to things people tell me, as i never really know what to say.
13. brad meltzer (xavier riddle and the secret museum)
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shy jewish butterfly kid who absolutely hates time travel. attracted to people who know how to socialize like a normal human being. infp(?).
okay okay so... combine everything from arnold and everything from fluttershy and that’s basically what brad is to me. a jewish socially anxious nerd who loves butterflies and drawing. badabing badaboom, there i am. that’s it.
and boom! all of the kins i can think of, of course not including comfort characters like will byers from stranger things or isabelle from animal crossing. if you have any kins to suggest to me, i would love it! thank you for taking your time to read this, friend! have a fantastic day :)
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wanna-b-poet31 · 4 years
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Aziraphale’s Lies and Crowley’s Truth (A 3-Part Series) Part 3: Liminal Spaces, Happy Faces
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A final installment of a series I started!! Will wonders ever cease? >tbh I want to preemptively start this final installment saying that I’ve been staring at the word doc for a solid 3 months trying to will the right words to come to me... let’s hope these are good ones?<  #sorrynotsorry for the delay
Honestly, I could do a whole other series about why Crowley is fallen and Aziraphale is not. However, I wanted to refocus this series on my central argument that honesty (or lack thereof) is a strategic tool for establishing their in-between status...their humanity, as it were.  
To grossly summarize parts 1 and 2  (but no seriously check them out) Crowley can lie, he’s actually pretty slippery but he chooses to be honest and forthright with Aziraphale on purpose. Meanwhile, Aziraphale wields his lies like his sword, trying to protect the two of them from Heaven’s wrath. 
The problem is, when Crowley is so heartbreakingly honest, like genuinely, unapologetically honest, to Aziraphale, he leaves both of them vulnerable. Without the security Heaven claims to provide him, Aziraphale panics, is afraid that revealing his hand -- that he feels for Crowley, wants to go to Alpha Centauri with Crowley -- will put both of them in danger. So, he does what he does best, he lies, cutting both of them. They fall out of sync, they’re set up for failure, they’re not on the same page, and ultimately they’ can’t occupy the same space or same side.  
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See Aziraphale’s face here? [a gif where Aziraphale is shouting at Crowley that “We’re on opposite sides”] The tone of voice? The desperation in his face? It’s clear that he’s lying, and it’s detrimental. 
BUT when Aziraphale (and it has to be Aziraphale) realizes he’s miscalculated his lies, realizes that his position is not protecting Crowley (or the earth), but realizes that he IS, and perhaps has always needed to be, on Crowley’s side, the true nature of Heaven is revealed (to him). 
Once they are reunited, their lies are weaponized, their honesty is protective, and they create a new space for themselves and humanity to exist. They don’t fit in Heaven or Hell or even in a garden. In a very real way, they become more human once the realize the impact of their actions and the weight of their choices.
No, I don’t mean I literally think they’re human now, they’re as magical as ever. But by the end of the series, they DO become a new kind of hybrid, occupying the same liminal space between holy and hellish that humans do. And the evolution of their honesty and lies -- their supposed “flaws” -- enable them to form their own side. 
It allows them the freedom of choices.
ANGELS OF LIES
I think it’s important to point out that Aziraphale isn’t the only lying angel. 
All of them lie. Often.  
Examples:
We first see the lies appear when Gabriel praises Aziraphale for trying to “turn” Warlock to the good side. It becomes evident that by the end of the series, the angels never had any intention of stopping the war.
We see Michael lie (by omission) when she shows Gabriel the photos of our ineffable duo. She neglects to mention that she got them from Ligur. 
The only true difference is the target of their lies and the fact that they all justify their actions under the flag of dogmatic loyalty and their presumed “goodness”. None of the other angels ever quite question their own actions. They simply “do” in the name of the Lord. Their prophecy of a great war drives each of their actions, and each reads it as an immutable fact.  
While the vague nature of the prophecy allows them some wiggle room (like Michael conspiring with Ligur, and Gabriel with Beelzebub) to behave and build an ineffable bureaucracy around it, at the end of the day, none of them act like there is even a choice. They presume their destiny has been solidified.
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Looking at Gabriel’s insistence that “Wars are not meant to be avoided, they're meant to be won” demonstrates, at least on some level, he firmly believes that angels are predestined to fight, to win, and to crush demons under his shoes. There is no question in his mind then, no wayward thought asking “should we do this” or “is this right”, he simply is following “orders”. There is the implicit belief then, that “to war or not to war” is not “find the solution with the least harm” but rather a really toxic “win or die” mentality. Any dissent, in this framework, must be squashed.
Any dissent...like Aziraphale. 
In the GIF above, when Aziraphale asserts that the angels have a choice, “there doesn’t have to be a war.” Look at the condescending posture and the fake smile. His response “Of course there does, otherwise, how would we win it?” speaks volumes to how he sees the situation. There is no choice for him, not necessarily because he doesn’t see there’s no choice, but because the alternative would be losing, and Angels don’t lose.  
There’s a real danger for Aziraphale at this moment, although he has been conditioned not to see it. If he is honest to Gabriel, the way Crowley needs him to be as a partner, for posing the question, for insisting that there is a third option.  This moment of honesty after several bald-faced lies makes Aziraphale very vulnerable to retaliation. Retaliation, mind you, that we DO see him endure (a la Sandalphon).  
THE DEMON IS IN THE DETAILS
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Similarly, the demons show that they believe this is their chance to overcome Heaven. That there is no choice on whether or not they will fight, because the choice has been made for them. They must fight. The only question is if they will win. Like the Angels there is no question if they can fight or not, they simply must, and everyone is vying for a role in the destruction. 
Interestingly though, while Ligur and Hastur condescend “what is the world coming to if Demons started trusted Demons”, we also see an honesty streak.
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Hastur, in particular, is oddly a beacon of honesty, but particularly gullible. Yeah, he’s malicious (we see him burn down the church, threaten Crowley, and kill another demon) but we don’t really see him lie... do we see him lie? Sure he’s wrong a lot, but he’s not good at lying like Crowley is, nor prone to it like Aziraphale is.
For example, we see him openly and honestly communicate with Ligur while they’re sulking, waiting for Crowley to show up. Sure, he’s wrong about what “Caio” means, but is it a lie? It seems more like his arrogance of Italian, transliterating it to an English word than an actual lie.  
The closest lie I can think about is when he’s disguised himself to capture Crowley. He doesn’t even lie when he’s reading out Crowley’s crimes to the audience.
Instead, we actually see that he’s actually surprised by Crowley’s lies. As much as he claims not to trust other Demons, when he’s actively pursuing Crowley and Ligur is killed, for a split second, Hastur looks like he believes Crowley’s lie that “the Dark Council” is testing him. 
This seems to put extra emphasis on Crowley’s ability to lie but not be unnecessarily cruel (whereas Hastur is cruel but doesn’t lie). Or that choosing to lie to Hell, for the sake of Aziraphale and himself, is paramount.
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Crowley, in contrast to Aziraphale, realizes this “must and at no point tries to be honest with Hell. He’s smooth, he’s suave (at least he tries to be) he tries to get out of it, flatly stating that his own role in it (delivering the anti-christ) is not his scene. Then, he tries to stop the end of the world, he convinces Aziraphale it’s needed, gives him the pretext to make that third option a reality, and actively refuses the dichotomy of their bosses. 
It’s not until Aziraphale is fully out of the picture (read: presumed dead) that Crowley gives up, that he succumbs to the idea that it really is hopeless. Which, I will come back to.
HUMANITY’S VIRTUE
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Meanwhile, humans don’t take well to black/white dichotomies. They neither are heaven incarnate nor hell incarnate. They simply are human. And that means they have choices. 
This manifests a few different ways in the series, but first, let’s look specifically at the dynamic between our “predestined” Anathema and our  “what the actual fuck is happening right now” Newt.  
Anathema (in the series) is pretty much trained in the ways of reading and interpreting Agnes Nutter’s prophecies. She has trained every moment since she was a child in the ways of occult studies and believes to a fault that she has no choice. The clearest example is how she doesn’t (really) choose to sleep with Newt because she liked him, or knew him, or seemed to care at all about his feeling on the matter, but because it was foretold. There is no real sense of choice.
Now, it seemed to have worked out, with them happily ending, but it’s “happiness” balances upon the fact that with Newt’s support, Anathema CHOOSES to reject the predestined nature of being a descendant. While I’m sure Aziraphale weeps over the loss of more accurate prophesies from Agnes Nutter, her decision to burn the second book is crucial not only to her sense of self but to the core message of what it means to be human.  To have choices.
Then, there’s Adam, the adversary... >incredibly long title/name<. His friend’s support allows him to make the choices he wants to make, and be proactive with his powers. Aziraphale says it best when he says he feared Adam would be Hell incarnate but hoped he would be Heaven incarnate, but he’s neither, and that’s a GOOD thing. 
“An Ineffable Game of Own Creation”
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But why go through all of this in an Honesty series?
Consider, for a moment, this phrase “God does not play games with the Universe”. It’s a phrase that nicely bookends the series, appearing prominently in the first few minutes of episode one, and again after Adam and his friends have bested War, Famine, Pollution, and Death.  But, what does its appearance mean, if anything?
Choice.
This (book/tv) series is really predicated upon choice. And, consequently the presumed lack thereof our characters have. Again and again, we are shown that the Angels, the demons, Anathema, and even God herself, repeat the idea that “God is not guessing” or “we make no real choices”.
But Adam, Crowley, and Aziraphale reject this notion and actively create an alternative. 
Adam rejects his destiny, he rejects his demonic father and chooses to leave the garden (versus the original Adam and Even who were shunned, cast out, and really isn’t that a traumatizing experience in itself?) because he chooses to be human. 
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But Adam is Human (at least now) how is this relevant to the ineffable duo? Two unquestionably supernatural entities?
Well, Crowley is as far as I can tell upon my 6,000th review of the series, has the series’ best ability to lie, even though few of his demon counterparts do. We’ll chalk it up to his imagination, but with this great power to deceive, he actively chooses to trust Aziraphale, to be honest, even if he’s hurt in the process.  
Aziraphale meanwhile is a shit liar, especially compared to Crowley’s and the other Angel’s abilities.  But he is a defensive one. He needs to protect himself, then Crowley, then humanity, but he can’t do that until he chooses to occupy the liminal space between Heaven and Hell. 
But they can’t do this alone. 
This “third” option that they’re carving out for themselves requires them to be blunt and honest and defensively protective of each other. This is why, when Crowley is in the bar, convinced Aziraphale is dead, he breaks down. Without Aziraphale, this third option is unobtainable because there is no one else who could share the space with him. There would be, nobody to love, as it were. 
This is also why (I think) the lies from Metatron breaks Aziraphale. If it’s clear, even for an instant, that no one on his “side” is willing to consider an alternative option, an option that would spare demons, then he wants no part of that option. He flatly refuses to fight in a war that would mean the destruction of Crowley and tells the quartermaster as much in his epic swan dive out of Heaven. 
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This new space is distinctly not human in the literal sense (neither of them is human), but it’s also not heavenly or hellish. It’s a space for them to leave the garden, to continue to be who they are, fight for what they love and feel safe knowing they are a team (romantic or otherwise).
A third space is really what Crowley and Aziraphale have been working for since day one because no other force will consider that maybe, just maybe, there are alternatives to the good/bad, angel/demon, live/death dichotomies Heaven and Hell create for themselves.  It is the place that Aziraphale will lie to protect, and Crowley will honestly confront if it means they are finally going the same speed, together. 
TLDR: The way that honesty and lies work in this series allows for Crowley and Aziraphale to “break free” as it were and create a space for themselves to exist. 
Thanks for coming to my TedTalk
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jurassicparkpodcast · 3 years
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James Ronan's Top 5 Jurassic Park 3 Film Moments
The third article in this series counting down my Top 5 film moments looks at the 2001 Jurassic film Jurassic Park 3. Considered by many fans to be the black sheep of the Jurassic Park film series. (Thanks to the Jurassic Vault for the great images)
Jurassic Park 3 had a very troubled development. Directed by Joe Johnston (the first time for the franchise to have another director other than Spielberg) the film never had a final draft of the script before shooting. It released with mixed reviews and only made $368 million on a $93 million budget. It remains the lowest grossing Jurassic Park film and one of the most controversial in terms of canon consistency within the franchise. I decided to take the opportunity to now go over some of my Top 5 film moments from JP3 as the film celebrated its 19th anniversary back in late July. Strangely Universal seems to have a problem remembering the dates of theatrical release for the Jurassic films. Jurassic Park 3 according to the Jurassic World Twitter account released on July 17th, 2001 but in fact it actually released on July 18th, 2001 theatrically. Jurassic Outpost recently conducted a very interesting interview with Shelly Johnson the Cinematographer on JP3, it is well worth checking out for some in-depth film insight on the production and development of the film.
Before I get into my Top 5 moments, I want to just mention a few of the reasons why JP3 remains a controversial instalment in the Jurassic Park series among the fandom. Jurassic Park 3 again takes place on the island of Isla Sorna, the same island that was seen in The Lost World: Jurassic Park. Sorna in JP3 looks radically different in terms of flora compared with what was seen in The Lost World with lush tropical forests compared to the redwoods seen throughout most of the previous film. Many fans speculate that Sorna has a diverse flora on the island with different biomes being separated by the different sides of the island. It was an interesting choice to change the vegetation from what was seen in The Lost World for the third film and remains a debated topic within the fandom.
We are also introduced once again to some new Velociraptors in Jurassic Park 3. These Raptors are more intelligent than the previous Raptors we have seen throughout the series. Behaviour of the Raptors is a big plot point of the film with Dr. Alan Grant and Dr. Ellie Sattler discussing their intelligence, before we get a scene of Billy showcasing a 3D model of a Velociraptor resonating chamber. The Male Raptors are shown with quills on the backs of their head and neck, a palaeontology characteristic introduced to make the Raptors a bit more accurate and to appease fans who wanted to see feathers on display in the film. Speaking of Dr. Alan Grant and Dr. Ellie Sattler both Sam Neill and Laura Dern return to Jurassic Park 3 with Sam Neill again in a major role, despite both actors missing from the previous instalment in the franchise. Whilst Sam Neill and Laura Dern’s return to the franchise was most welcome, many fans had and continue to take issue with how their relationship changes from Jurassic Park to Jurassic Park 3. With Ellie now married to Mark Deggler (who works for the US State Department) who she has two children with. Alan is very much on his own and still working on dinosaurs helping palaeontology students like Billy Brennan. Whilst I am very much excited for Sam Neill and Laura Dern’s re-appearance in Jurassic World: Dominion, I am really hoping they keep the dynamic they had as friends from JP3 and don’t break up the family Ellie had in the third film. Just leave it be, as Jurassic World: Dominion has enough to cover as it is following on from Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. Another issue JP3 brought up is around the Pteranodons being shown free at the end of TLW and another species of Pteranodon being caged up and finally getting free during the events of the third film.  Whilst these issues may seem trivial to some, Jurassic Park 3 does not really address any of them, which is why they remain hotly debated topics within the fandom.
Unlike the previous films John Williams does not return to score the film. Don Davis takes on the composer role with a soundtrack that is quite different from the past Jurassic films but still retains some of the classic Jurassic themes. Jurassic Park 3 is my least favourite film in the franchise, but the film does have some great sequences and character moments that are worth looking at so let’s break down what moments really impacted me shall we?
5. Billy Stop! (The Pteranodon Attack Sequence)
The Pteranodon attack sequence is up as my 5th Top moment from the film. Many fans including me love the Pteranodon Aviary design, the layout, and the amount of mist throughout the sequence which really set the scene as a completely strange and unknown part of Isla Sorna. The Pteranodons themselves showcase behaviour which can be related to the original Jurassic Park novel. The Aviary sequence in the original novel is very different, but it was nice to see that JP3 took that sequence as inspiration and made its own thing whilst still referring to the original novel with Alan, Lex, and Tim. We knew Billy would end up using the parachute further on in the movie as when they first discover it, after the Spinosaurus attack sequence Grant asks Billy “if he can fly one of those?” Overall, the sequence is well done and when Billy gets attacked by the Pteranodons in the water, the attack is brutal.
The music by Don Davis in this scene also amps up the horror of Billy being tortured in the water as he goes down stream whilst another Pteranodon turns and looks at both Dr. Grant and Paul Kirby. It is surprisingly quite a dark scene for JP3 which overall has the lightest tone of any Jurassic film. Ultimately Billy survives the attack sequence, which for me really negates the impact of the attack in the first place. If anything, it would have been more appropriate for Dr. Grant to have found Billy’s body later on washed up on a riverbank, with Billy holding Dr. Grant's hat. Not only would have it been a poignant moment, but it would have aided Grant’s development further to have lost a student on such an expedition that ultimately shouldn’t have occurred in the first place.
4. What’s a bad idea? (The Spinosaurus Plane Attack)
I think many JP3 fans might be surprised that this is 4th on my list in terms of Top moments in JP3. But my main complaints in this scene relate to the behaviour of the Spinosaurus aegyptiacus itself which as a plot device, seems to have a knack for following the main group around the island. The death of Cooper is so well done and is in my opinion the best death in JP3 period. The setup for the Spinosaurus from Coopers death is so well done that the aeroplane attack sequence just doesn’t live up to the awesome death we just saw moments before. We also don’t see any remorse or loss from Udesky or any of the group that Cooper and Nash have just died after the plane attack and it is just odd to say the least in the context of the film.
I do have issues with how the plane attack sequence takes place. The fact that the Spinosaurus can track down the plane after it crashes rather quickly without anyone hearing it approach until it breaks open the plane is a major problem I have. Whilst this type of issue can also be compared to the Tyrannosaurus Rex appearance in the Visitor Centre at the end of Jurassic Park, how this scene takes place in JP3 with the Spinosaurus is very different. We assume that the Spinosaurus is a fairly intelligent animal to have tracked the group down and to destroy the plane the way it does, but later on in the film when it finds the group at the fence and also attacks the boat on the river we see that the animal doesn’t have much behaviour at all. Unfortunately, the animal is only used in servicing the plot and we don’t see anything more to it then to just act as a B movie monster. I really like the Spinosaurus design for what it was/is and the animatronic as well as the CGI still look really good on screen, despite the animatronic being stiff in some sequences.
I do like the scene when the plane falls out of the tree and the group are all screaming as we get a cool shot of the plane just crunching up as it hits the ground under its immense weight. It is also the first and only sequence throughout the films where an aeroplane comes under attack from a dinosaur. It makes my 4th spot though for setting up the Spinosaurus for what it ultimately is, a movie monster with little character. It is a shame that the Spinosaurus is showcased this way because it was the first Spinosaurid to be featured in a Jurassic Park film. Ultimately a lot of this comes down to the filmmakers deciding that a bigger and scary dinosaur needed to take down the T.Rex and become the focal point for the film. But the Spinosaurus lacks animalistic behaviour, something we saw more from the other dinosaurs throughout the previous two films. We never see it drink; we never see it sleep. We don’t see it hunt other dinosaurs (apart from the T.Rex kill) or fish despite spooking them in the river. It is just there to chase the group around the island and in its final scene, it runs away from fire and is never seen again.
3. Brachiosaurus on the Bank
Third on my list takes place after one of my favourite JP discussions throughout the films. I must quote it below because not only is it so poignant in the context of the film but is one of those moments in JP3 that was needed a bit more throughout.
Dr. Grant: I have a theory that there are two kinds of boys. There are those that want to be astronomers, and those that want to be astronauts. The astronomer, or the palaeontologist, gets to study these amazing things from a place of complete safety.
Erik: But then you never get to go into space.
Dr. Grant: Exactly. That's the difference between imagining and seeing: to be able to touch them. And that's... that's all that Billy wanted.
This discussion between Alan and Eric was another plot point that made me want to pursue palaeontology as a career. My dream career after seeing Jurassic Park was palaeontology but this discussion in JP3 also hit me and has stuck with me ever since I saw the film back in 2001. However, whilst this discussion has resonated with me a lot over the years, I want to discuss the scene after, where we see most of the herbivores of Isla Sorna along the river whilst the classic Jurassic theme is played. Probably one of the mot awe-inspiring moments in the film, echoing the Brachiosaurus scene in Jurassic Park.
We see four Brachiosaurs alongside two Ankylosaurs, a herd of Stegosaurs and a few Parasaurolophus in the background. All the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park 3 are depicted with the most colourful designs we have seen throughout the first three films. The Brachiosaurs in particular display a very distinct patterning with a red skull and orange eyes. As someone who likes the improvements in colour design that the dinosaurs display in JP3 the Brachiosaur colour design is bizarre to say the least especially the skull where the redness is quite patchy. The eyes are also orange which contrasts too much with the red and the rest of the colour pattern. Regardless of the dinosaur designs the scene itself is set up and executed very well. The boat just casually glides down the river as the dinosaurs watch on. You really feel the size of the dinosaurs in this scene and it brings back that sense of wonder and awe of these creatures which we didn’t get in TLW apart from seeing the Stegosaurus herd for the first time. Whilst the river scene in JP3 is very brief it goes a long way to allowing the film some breathing room just taking in the dinosaurs in their island environment.
2. This is how you play God. (The INGEN compound)
Down to the final two now! My second on my list of Top moments must be the INGEN compound and its exploration by the group of the genetics laboratory/Embryonics Administration. There are two key things that make this scene outstanding. The first is the set design which is incredible, especially with the sunlight coming in through the windows. I love the grittiness, dirtiness, and rawness of how the genetics laboratory looks, as it was left after releasing the dinosaurs into the wild. We get a real sense of the experiments INGEN was doing on the dinosaurs with the green tanks as well as how they were looked after with the incubators. The second thing I love about this scene is the score that plays alongside it, called the Raptor Room. Again, this score is very reminiscent of the Hatching Baby Raptor theme from Jurassic Park and fits so incredibly well with the group walking through looking at what INGEN was doing. The theme captures that wonder of creation which we first saw in Jurassic Park with the hatchling baby Raptor but applies it in different circumstances whilst looking at experimental dinosaurs and hatched eggshells.
The INGEN compound is also a huge plot point in terms of INGENs operations on Sorna which was discussed in TLW where Hammond mentioned “Site B being the factory floor” for the dinosaurs. Here we truly get to see the factory floor in all its glory and for me it is one of the most interesting scenes in Jurassic Park 3. As someone who loves both the original novels, knowing that the INGEN genetics lab/compound is a huge part of the second book, I was thrilled when it was shown on Sorna within the film. The way this whole scene is shot remains for me one of my favourite scenes in JP3 and it adds some really interesting backstory to INGEN as a company, how they operated and how things were left when they released the dinosaurs on Sorna and left the island.
1.  Dr. Alan Grant Palaeontology Lecture
Going full circle my Top favourite film moment within Jurassic Park 3 belongs to the man himself Dr. Alan Grant in his palaeontology presentation on Raptors. One of the earliest film scenes taking place only seven minutes in, the way this scene is presented shows what many palaeontologists do at some point in their lives, giving presentations/lectures to the public.  I really love the scene because it takes place like a proper lecture. It gives backstory to the viewer as to Alan's life as well as the current discussion going on regarding Raptor intelligence at the time, something of which is brought up throughout and becomes a focal point of the film's story. We see Raptor claws on display as Alan talks about the theories surrounding Raptor intelligence and behaviour.
Unlike Jurassic Park where palaeontology is seen in the field it is great to see JP3 embrace palaeontology talks to the public as it shows engagement with the wider audience and in this case the cinema audience. Obviously by now everyone in the lecture room knows about INGEN, Nublar and Sorna after the events of TLW due to the San Diego incident, and others like Ian Malcolm breaking NDA speaking out about what INGEN was doing and the deaths as a result. Alan calls INGEN out for “creating nothing more than theme park monsters, nothing more and nothing less” in the lecture room. This view changes again later in the film when Alan says to Billy on the plane “he forgotten”, referring to forgetting what it’s like to see a dinosaur for the first time. I enjoy the way the lecture talk plays out with Alan refusing to take questions relating to Jurassic Park and the San Diego incident. The fact that the Islands are such a present focus suggests that Alan just can’t get away from being linked to Jurassic Park and the events he was unfortunately involved in. What can be clearly seen is that Alan is tired of it all, he never wants to go back to the islands. He ultimately has a love hate relationship with the INGEN dinosaurs and what Jurassic Park was all about.
 Many fans like myself take issue with Grant going so easily to Sorna with the Kirby’s due to money and most fans agree that it is such a 180-character change after saying “no force on earth or heaven could get him there”. Ultimately though, Alan is very much impacted by past film events and it is shown throughout. It is just a shame that by the end of the film these changes throughout his character are just left, nothing is done with them at all. After surviving another close call of death on another dinosaur island Alan isn’t too worried about the creatures getting off or the Pteranodons leaving Sorna for new nesting grounds.
This contrasts greatly to Ian Malcolm’s view of the world and the destruction caused by the genetic power INGEN unleashed as he sees it. This is an underlying theme in TLW from Malcolm due to his involvement on the island and his injury but is seen much more bluntly in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. It will be interesting to see how these different views of INGENs dinosaurs will be shown when both Ian and Alan are shown on screen together in Jurassic World: Dominion. I would say Alan falls somewhere in the middle whilst Ian seems to be vehemently against genetic power being out in the world. Regardless of the changes to Grant's character throughout JP3 the palaeontology lecture is a great piece of exposition, backstory and set up for Raptor intelligence. As well as Alan's life in the spotlight and what many palaeontologists enjoy doing, giving thrilling lectures on dinosaurs to the public. Because it is filmed so well and so enjoyable to watch it makes my number one spot as my favourite film moment from Jurassic Park 3.
Written by: James Ronan
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