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authenticcadence18 · 3 years

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“Can’t Help Falling in Love” Ch. 11

AO3

First Chapter

Previous Chapter

…

HIIIII HELLO EVERYONE!!!!!!! It’s been. Quite some time. 😅 If you’re still here THANK YOU!!!!!! It is greatly appreciated!!! I hope this chapter was worth the wait, lol!!

I posted the first chapter of this fic one year ago yesterday! Consider this chapter a celebration of that 😊. The past year has been…wild, to say the least, but writing this fic and getting to share it with you guys has been one of the biggest highlights of it!!!😁💕

Thanks as always to my lovely beta and friend @youruinedmylifebynotbeingreal, and thank YOU so much for reading! I hope you enjoy!!!

...

“Wait a minute!!!”

Phineas froze in place (which was ironic, considering his realization struck in the middle of removing the crumb cake from a very hot oven).

“You called me your little crumbcake in your letter! And we just made a crumb cake! That wasn’t a coincidence, was it?”

“It was 100% not a coincidence!” Isabella called over her shoulder as she rummaged through a cabinet across the kitchen. “I wanted to make a crumb cake with my little crumbcake!”

A handful of silent seconds passed. And then she shuddered, a frothing wave of decade-old secondhand embarrassment cascading violently over her shoulders.

“Okay, I’m never calling you that again,” she announced dryly (since said frothing wave of secondhand embarrassment was purely metaphorical). “It’s way too weird.”

“What?? No!!” Phineas gently set the crumb cake on the counter, taking care to make sure it wasn’t going to fall, before turning to face her. “Isabella, it’s not weird at all!! I think it’s cute.”

“You only think it’s cute because you like me so much,” Isabella replied with a grin. “Trust me, there’s PLENTY of better pet names out there. I’ll think of some new ones for you.”

She crossed to his side of the kitchen and set the plate she’d retrieved on the counter. “Alright, all we need to do now is add powdered sugar. Do you have a sifter?”

“I sure do!”

Phineas retrieved said sifter from a drawer and turned it over in his hands a few times.

“….I’m actually an expert powdered sugar sifter, you know….” he whispered conspiratorially.

“Oh, really?” Isabella replied amusedly.

“Yeah! A few years ago, my mom put me on beignet duty for the Mardi Gras block party,” he explained. “I built a machine to actually COOK the beignets but figured out pretty quickly I’d have to powder them by hand to avoid making a huge mess…it took FOREVER. Aaand I still ended up making a mess. But now I’m an expert!!”

“Those beignets DID taste really good,” Isabella mused. “I remember thinking the powdered sugar to dough ratio was perfect!”

(She wasn’t just saying that for Phineas’s benefit, though she knew he would appreciate the compliment. As a former-Fireside Girl and baked goods’ extraordinaire, identifying quality desserts was practically in her blood!)

“Thanks!!!” Phineas replied. “I’m surprised you remember that!”

“Well, YOU made them. Everything you make is extraordinary. Of course I remember,” Isabella replied with a soft grin.

“Well, I’m not sure I’d say they were EXTRAORDINARY…” Phineas chuckled sheepishly. “…but thank you.”

“They WERE extraordinary,” Isabella insisted. “And you’re welcome!”

“It actually took awhile to get the ratio right, I’m flattered you noticed!” Phineas replied. “I did a bunch of calculations to figure it out…”

Isabella just listened with a smile as Phineas rambled on about the intricacies of beignet preparation and set to sifting sugar over the crumb cake.

And if his focus faltered a little when she hugged his middle from behind and nestled her head on his shoulder to get a better view, he didn’t show it.

….perhaps getting a better view wasn’t Isabella’s primary motivator in this situation. But she’d been waiting over a decade to indulge in coupley activities with Phineas as an actual couple: she wasn’t going to let this opportunity to do so pass her by!

She was so enamored with his closeness and the gentle lull of his explanations, so caught up in the sweet domesticity of the moment, it took her a few minutes to realize…it had been a few minutes.

Was Phineas taking his time with this (relatively simple) task on purpose?

“…hey, how long does it take an expert powdered sugar sifter to sift sugar over a crumb cake?” she murmured into his ear.

“Normally? I assume it would take about half a minute,” Phineas replied matter-of-factly. “ …but . If said expert powdered sugar sifter is being hugged by the love of their life, it usually takes longer. Could take minutes. Hours, even.”

Isabella giggled (and bit her tongue to keep from squealing at being referred to as the love of Phineas’s life because aAAAAAH!!!!) and brushed a quick kiss to his cheek before stepping back and standing at his side. “As much as I’d love to hug you for hours, we don’t want the crumb cake to get cold.”

“Eh, I’d take a hug from you over warm crumb cake any day. But you do make a good point.”

Phineas gave Isabella a smile before pouring the excess sugar into a bag and setting the sifter down. Then, his eyebrows shot up, seemingly in realization.

“Hey....what if I started calling you ‘my little crumbcake’?” he asked. “Or just ‘crumbcake’? I don’t mind if you don’t want to call me that, but would be a shame to let such a cute nickname go to waste.”

Isabella hit him with a playful glare. “If you do that, you’ll find yourself on the receiving end of an ominous patch-related threat. Just because you’re my boyfriend now doesn’t mean you’re exempt from them.”

“Boyfriend, huh?” Phineas grinned, not deterred in the slightest by Isabella’s ominous patch related threat-threat. “That’s the first time you’ve called me that!”

“Well, we’ve known our feelings are mutual for...what, over half an hour now?” Isabella shrugged. “And we’ve already talked about being in a relationship, so I figured you being my boyfriend was implied.”

(She definitely hadn’t been trying to figure out how to casually call Phineas her boyfriend without outright asking him if he WAS officially her boyfriend. And she certainly wasn’t very relieved that he’d taken being referred to as such well. No way.)

“Soooo…” Phineas slid his hand across the counter until it found Isabella’s. “…if you’re officially referring to me as your boyfriend….does that mean I get to officially refer to you as my girlfriend?”

He’d WANTED to be the picture of suaveness in this moment, to state the obvious as succinctly and matter-of-factly as possible.

…..but the quiver of excitement in his voice had likely ruined any chances of that.

Isabella beamed down at their entwined fingers and then back up at him.

“…yes. Yes it does.”

For a handful of seconds, they just gazed at one another fondly, hands still together, neither trying to conceal how happy they were.

Maybe titles like “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” were arbitrary, especially for two lifelong best friends who were already well aware of how much they meant to one another (both in a platonic and romantic sense).

But….it still felt incredibly special to finally get to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Partners. Together. Officially.

Isabella eventually broke the awe of the moment with a wry smirk and a joke.

“I like ‘girlfriend’ a lot better than ‘crumbcake,’ that’s for sure!”

Phineas’s eyes lit up at the latter nickname, and Isabella groaned as she realized what she’d done.

“....why did I say that...” she grumbled. “We’d moved past the crumbcake thing, why did I say that???”

“I think it’s because you secretly like that nickname and wanted to remind me of it...crumbcake,” Phineas replied with a playful nudge to her side.

“WELL….maybe you’re not completely wrong there…” Isabella admitted, resting her head on his shoulder with an over-dramatic sigh. “I guess it’s kinda cute.”

(She had to admit it was sweet that Phineas was fond of a silly nickname she’d come up with so many years ago. Perhaps it was a little embarrassing, but in a nostalgic, sweet way. And she knew Phineas wasn’t teasing her maliciously...it was all in good fun. And he genuinely thought her childhood antics were endearing!)

“I knew it!” Phineas exclaimed. “You like when I call you ‘crumbcake’!!”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t let it get to your head,” Isabella replied, leaning back and reaching up to ruffle his bright red hair with a chuckle.

“Too late, it’s already up there!” Phineas gestured to his head matter of factly.

“Well! I guess I’ll just have to stand here until your brain short circuits and it leaves your head, then! Because, in your own words, your brain short circuits if you look at me for too long because I’m just soooooo beautiful.”

“True as that may be, if you really want to short circuit my brain, I think a kiss or two from you would do the trick faster.”

Phineas said this without thinking about it.

And subsequently flushed beet red once his brain caught up to his tongue.

…perhaps his lack of a filter would be enough to short circuit his brain.

Isabella, fortunately, didn’t seem phased at all by his suggestion. “Hmmm….” she murmured, tapping her chin thoughtfully and scooting closer to him. “In that case, I guess I’ll have to kiss you. It’s the only logical conclusion.”

“Uhhh…yup! It’s only logical!” Phineas agreed, trying his best to play nonchalant as Isabella wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a knowing smile (and failing pretty miserably at nonchalance because HE STILL COULDN’T BELIEVE SHE WANTED TO KISS HIM, HOW COULD HE PRETEND TO BE PLAYFULLY NONCHALANT WHEN ALL OF THIS WAS SO MONUMENTAL???).

Isabella burst into laughter at his thinly veiled enthusiasm.

Because this moment—this entire evening—was full of moments she’d always dreamed of but that had seemed like just that: dreams!

PHINEAS FLYNN was asking her for kisses, and he was smiling at her as if sharing a brief romantic moment together in the middle of his kitchen was as exciting and enticing an idea as, say, building a super-computer in his backyard.

It was so incomprehensible, so utterly opposite from the oblivious-to-a-fault Phineas she’d grown up with, that she couldn’t HELP but laugh.

Phineas laughed with her, though he didn’t quite understand what was so funny.

(Her joy and close proximity were more than enough to give him butterflies, though, so he didn’t mind.)

“Sorry, sorry!!” Isabella managed to breathe between giggles. “It’s just!!! If I could tell my younger self that you’d actually be asking me to kiss you someday, I think her head would explode.”

“I get that!!” Phineas replied. “If I could go back in time to last night and tell my slightly-younger self that I’d be asking you to kiss me this time tomorrow, I think his head would explode.”

He chuckled before getting a far off look in his eyes.

“Huh....I COULD do that…” he mused thoughtfully. “Go back in time. Talk to my past self about all this. It would certainly alleviate a lot of the anxiety I experienced before I confessed to you.”

“But you shouldn’t do that,” Isabella replied quickly. “Because it could change this timeline or zap us out of existence. I’d rather not be zapped out of existence. Especially not right now. And, besides...getting to confess to one another was worth all it took to get there, right?”

“You’re right…getting to learn about your feelings from YOU was the best!” Phineas assured her.

(This was one of the reasons he needed Isabella, to keep some of his more extreme ideas in check.)

“And I’d hate to zap out of existence. But….”

He blushed a little, suddenly feeling a bit bashful as he recalled why Isabella’d begun laughing in the first place.

“…..I’d still like a kiss from you, if that’s alright.”

“Just one?” Isabella teased.

(She hadn’t forgotten why she’d begun laughing in the first place either.)

Phineas blushed more than a little.

How could Isabella be so coy and collected about all this??

(And why was he even so flustered right now? They’d kissed a handful of times at this point, so there was no legitimate reason to get flustered….but Phineas was flustered anyway. Maybe because he’d never outright asked Isabella for a kiss before? And the mere fact that he could do that at all was a tad overwhelming?? And every few minutes he had to keep reminding himself that all this was really happening because he was still getting the hang of this whole relationship thing and despite everything it still felt too good to be true??? …who knew.)

“Well, more than one would be just fine! But—but at least one!! If that’s okay.”

VERY smooth, Romeo. Fantastic job. A+ flirting technique.

“It’s definitely okay,” Isabella whispered with a smile, tenderly cupping his face in her hands and drawing him close. “Though I appreciate you asking.”

Not much took Phineas’s breath away. He’d spent his life making the impossible possible, after all!

…but Isabella’s kisses did the trick.

And they weren’t just kisses, anyhow. They were promises, assurances, declarations of love he could feel, warm grins and soft caresses and genuine affection courtesy of his best friend (and girlfriend, now).

….frankly, he noted as said-girlfriend gingerly pulled away and coaxed his eyes open with a lilting giggle, it was a miracle he still remembered how to breathe at all.

She was smiling at him, the same smile he’d felt nestled against his and heard in her bubbles of laughter only moments ago.

He’d never realized how versatile smiles could be before today.

“Hey…guess who has hearts in their eyes now?” Isabella crooned, gently stroking his cheek with her thumb.

Phineas blinked, taking a bit longer than normal to come up with a suitable answer.

(He wasn’t used to thinking on his feet in situations like this. He wasn’t used to situations like this at all.)

Isabella’s pupils appeared to be heart-free. So she must have been referring to….

“….me?”

“Yup!” Isabella grinned and gave his nose a playful “boop!” “It’s like they always say: couples who break the laws of physics together stick together.”

She brushed a final kiss to the corner of his mouth before pulling away from him entirely and turning towards the counter.

Phineas trailed behind her as she cut a slice of crumb cake (presumably for the two of them to share, as it was quite large) and slid it onto a plate, still a little dazed.

He was also interested in discovering a scientific explanation for the heart-eyes phenomenon he and Isabella had both experienced in the past half-hour…but he’d save solving that mystery for another day.

“…..how are you so good at this?” he managed to ask.

“At what? Cutting crumb cake?”

“No, I mean…” He rubbed the back of his neck with a sheepish chuckle. “…the flirting, the banter, basic relationship stuff.”

(Because Isabella WAS good at basic relationship stuff. All of it was seemingly effortless for her, especially considering she’d never even been in a relationship. Phineas supposed he himself wasn’t COMPLETELY hopeless when it came to flirting—his comment about Isabella’s kisses earlier was proof of that—but he’d done that without thinking.)

“I’ve just had more practice!” Isabella replied cheerfully. “Waaaaaay more practice. I flirted with you a LOT when we were kids, you just never noticed.”

(That was probably good, all things considered. Isabella’s attempts at flirting when they were kids had left her with quite a bit of retrospective embarrassment.)

Phineas winced at the reminder of all he’d missed out on, on all the pinpricks of affection that he hadn’t caught and had instead flown far over his head.

“….sorry about that….” he mumbled.

“Hey, wait a minute. We’ve already been over this!” Isabella said sternly.

(She’d just been trying to offer him a logical answer to his question, not make him feel guilty.)

“There’s absolutely no reason to be sorry, romantic feelings are never an obligation. And besides!!”

She took a step closer to him…then another step…then another…until she was near enough to turn Phineas’s stomach to Doonkelberry jelly because was she planning on kissing him again???

But she didn’t kiss him again, instead just smirking and whispering, “…you’re very cute when you’re flustered…” before leaning back with a bright laugh.

For a few moments, Phineas was struck with the desperate need to HIDE and ESCAPE before Isabella noticed how red his face was.

…but then he remembered that she was, in fact, his girlfriend (a minute ago they’d been smooching, after all) and that his undying love for her wasn’t a secret anymore.

And, since he apparently looked cute when he was flustered, she was likely enjoying this immensely.

Whew.

“Well, I mean, you’re ALWAYS cute, don’t get me wrong,” Isabella continued. She grabbed the crumb cake-laden plate and two forks. “But when you’re flustered you’re ESPECIALLY cute.”

“Oh yeah?” Phineas countered. “Well…uh….you’re always especially cute!!! So there!!”

Isabella slowed to a halt and tilted her head at him with a chuckle. “Wait….are you trying to one-up my flirting? Or…are you trying to fluster me?”

“…..mmmaybe?” Phineas replied hesitantly. “…why, is it working???”

Isabella considered his question, taking note of the cheerful warmth spinning in her chest (and likely reddening her face a bit).

“…maybe just a little.”

Phineas didn’t attempt to hide his excitement this time, pumping his fist in the air with a whispered, “YES!!!!”

He quickly regained his composure, though.

“Well it’s GOOD that it’s working, because if it wasn’t working, I’d have to remind you that your cuteness is a scientific fact.”

“BELIEVE me, I don’t think I’ll ever forget about that,” Isabella replied with a snicker. “That was the closest you ever got to calling me cute when we were kids.”

“Hey! The mere fact that I acknowledged your cuteness at all when we were kids is a testament to just how cute you are,” Phineas stated matter-of-factly. “Because, well…you might not have noticed this, but I was just a tad oblivious to romance when we were that age.”

Isabella feigned a gasp. “WHAT???? No way, I had no idea.”

“It’s true!!!!” Phineas insisted. “….just like your cuteness being a scientific fact is true.”

The two of them burst into giggles at that.

“You know…” Isabella pointed out with a wry smile, “…for someone who claims to be bad at flirting, that was some pretty good flirting.”

(She was quite impressed, actually!)

“Well, I’ve got someone incredibly special to flirt with,” Phineas replied cheekily. “I couldn’t have done it without her.”

Isabella’s eyes widened at that, cheeks flushing bright red (because PHINEAS WAS TALKING ABOUT HER!!!!! HE THOUGHT SHE WAS INCREDIBLY SPECIAL!!!!!), and Phineas grinned eagerly before placing a hand on her shoulder and leaning in to kiss her.

That seemed like the right course of action here, to follow up a jovial round of flirting with a kiss.

(And it was the right course of action, judging from the way Isabella smiled and kissed him back.)

Perhaps he was getting the hang of this whole relationship thing after all.

…

Isabella took a moment to catch her breath as Phineas gently pulled away from her and gave her the world’s most adorable smile (and to overcome the temptation to just forget about the crumb cake and indulge in more kisses instead).

“…alright,” she exhaled. “…as lovely and sweet as all this flirting has been, are you ready to go outside?”

“Oh, definitely!!!!” Phineas replied, taking a step back. “I mean, it feels like it’s been ages since we made this crumb cake, it’s about time we actually eat it. You go on outside, I’ll clean up a bit! Just in case Ferb and my parents get back while we’re out there.”

“Sounds good!!”

Phineas made his way to the living room a few minutes later….only to find Isabella standing in front of the screen door, a blank expression on her face.

“Hey, everything okay?” he asked as he walked over to her. “I thought you were going to go outside.”

“Well…I was,” Isabella articulated slowly. “But….”

Her voice trailed off, and Phineas followed her gaze into the backyard as he finally came to a stop at her side.

“…..oh.”

The backyard was empty.

No stars.

No lanterns.

No light.

Even the picnic basket was gone.

All that remained was their blanket, still laid out beneath the tree, the only remnant of the last hour.

“Well.” Isabella cleared her throat. “I suppose we should’ve seen this coming, huh?”

Phineas didn’t respond, instead sliding the screen door open and stepping past Isabella and into the yard.

He just focused on walking, step by step by step. It was easy to keep his mind occupied with the mechanics of movement...that is, until he knelt beside the tree to collect the blanket.

Because tonight he’d had a second chance at a longer picnic with Isabella, which he’d initially chosen not to pursue when they were kids due to worries he hadn’t been able to explain back then...but the universe had taken that second chance away.

And now he had nothing tangible to express his affections to Isabella with. No inventions, no cozy sanctuaries for the two of them to snuggle up in, no physical manifestations of how much he loved her.

All he had was a blanket. Which hadn’t been enough to prolong their picnic when they were kids. And it hadn’t been enough now.

Their first moments as a couple were gone forever. He couldn’t get them back.

And this wasn’t the first time he’d built something for Isabella, only for it to disappear.

...why did it hurt even more now?

Was this going to be a normal occurrence for them? Phineas creating things, only for the world to irreverently take them away with no explanation as to why?

Because it was one thing to muse that kisses were as meaningful as big ideas while sharing a kiss with Isabella amidst one of said big ideas.

It was quite another to face Isabella without a big idea to prove the authenticity of his feelings.

And perhaps he could build something else right now, but….what would be the point?

A few tears stung at his eyes, throat burning and chest tight.

How could he build a relationship with Isabella if the world was just going to tear down his attempts to show her how much he cared?

“Gosh…it kinda feels like we’re kids again, huh?”

Phineas flinched as Isabella’s voice drew closer. He hugged the blanket to his chest as he stood, willing himself to not cry because he couldn’t cry, it would be silly to cry, all these thoughts of his were illogical. Isabella didn’t sound upset, and she hadn’t been upset when her birthday party disappeared all those years ago, she was fine, and this WAS a pretty regular occurrence for them in the grand scheme of things, so he needed to be okay. Plus, he KNEW she knew how much he loved her, he didn’t need inventions to tell her that but…..a part of him still hurt just the same.

“I mean, it genuinely takes me back! I feel like your mom’s about to offer us pie. And…..”

Isabella’s voice trailed off as she reached his side.

“Phineas?”

Phineas shut his eyes, but he could hear the rustle of grass as Isabella moved to stand in front of him.

“...Phineas, what’s wrong?”

Now her hands were on his shoulders.

He could’ve tried to pretend that nothing was wrong, to smile and laugh it off.

But...Isabella would probably see right through that.

And he was tired of keeping secrets from her, anyway.

“It’s just…..”

His lip quivered, and he sniffled before finally opening his eyes.

“....it’s gone. I planned everything and set up the picnic for you, so you’d know how much I care about you….but it’s gone…..and I wanted to keep spending time with you out here, at our picnic, because the last time we had a picnic it ended too soon and….I thought this time would be different, that we’d be able to end it on OUR terms and not because of it getting dark or anything. But it’s not. It’s like last time, and all the other times inventions disappeared before we were done with them and, I JUST!!!! I just….I’m sorry, Isabella….. I’m so sorry…..”

“Phineas Flynn. Look at me.”

Isabella took his face in her hands and gazed at him intently.

“You have nothing to apologize for. It’s okay! These things happen! And we still have the memory of our picnic, right? Didn’t you say that memories are your favorite things we made when we were kids?”

Phineas pondered that for a moment.

“.…yes…” he finally whispered.

“This is the same,” Isabella insisted. “We’re building memories! The inventions may come and go, but the memories will stay. And I will stay. Believe me, if disappearing inventions bothered me, I wouldn’t be your best friend.”

She smirked a bit and added, “And I wouldn’t be your girlfriend now, obviously.”

“I know, and you’re right!” Phineas replied quickly. “….but…..I just…..I wanted to show you how much I love you, Isabella. That’s what the picnic was for, really. I mean, I know I TOLD you how much I love you too, but for me, it’s always been easier to say that kind of thing when I’ve got an invention to back my words up….I guess, it’s a little scary to say those things when it’s just me. You’re braver than me in that regard.”

“You HAVE shown me how much you love me, Phineas…” Isabella whispered, caressing his cheek with a gentle grin. “You’ve been showing me since we were kids. And, if it makes you feel any better, I don’t love you because of your inventions and big ideas. I love you because you’re YOU. You’re Phineas Flynn! The kindest, most creative, most caring person I’ve ever met!! Everything that makes you you shines through in all your inventions, they’re an extension of who you are; but they aren’t you, you know? If I had to choose between spending a day using one of your most amazing inventions alone OR spending an invention-free day with you doing something super boring, say, watching paint dry, I’d choose the invention free day every time. I just love spending time with you….”

She trailed one of her hands down his arm till it found one of his, twining their fingers together with a comforting squeeze.

“I’m sorry our picnic disappeared, though. It was important to us, and it’s okay to be sad about it. ...do you want to set up another one? I can make paper lanterns, and I’ve got to have a picnic basket at my house. And there’s plenty of stars in the sky if you don’t have any more to spare.”

Her offer lingered in the air for a handful of seconds, and she herself seemed posed on the tips of her toes, waiting for Phineas’s answer.

“….no…” Phineas finally whispered. “….it’s okay. I know we have homework to do, building another picnic would take too much time. ….and you’re right. Spending time together….that’s what really matters. And you being willing to rebuild our picnic means a lot to me.”

“You know I’d do anything for you,” Isabella replied with a gentle smile. “And we can just sit at the table, it’ll be like…an elevated picnic! With homework! So…an elevated study date picnic!”

She patted his cheek before withdrawing her hand from his face and turning towards the door.

But Phineas wasn’t ready to go inside just yet, wasn’t ready to put aside all the emotions tumbling around inside of him.

“Wait!”

Isabella whirled back around, head tilted ever so slightly.

“Yes, Phineas?”

Phineas took a deep breath.

How could he even express how he was feeling? How could he express his gratitude towards Isabella, express how loved and cherished she made him feel, express just how much her willingness to recreate their picnic meant to him?

“I…I just…...thank you, Isabella. So much.”

To punctuate his gratitude, he lifted the hand he held and pressed a tender kiss to Isabella’s knuckle.

“I’m really, just, so lucky. Lucky to be your friend, lucky to be your boyfriend…you know that, right?”

Butterflies whirled in Isabella’s stomach, stirred by the sincerity in Phineas’s voice and the warmth of his lips still lingering on her hand and the way he was looking at her.

She eased in closer, close enough to lay a reassuring hand on Phineas’s shoulder.

“…..we’re both lucky. Incredibly lucky.”

Phineas and Isabella weren’t sure who kissed who first. Perhaps neither of them kissed first, perhaps it was simultaneous, both of them knowing instinctively what the other wanted.

This kiss was different from their first, which had been a rush of new, giddy emotions, a celebration of their reciprocated feelings, the resolution to a lifetime (or, more specifically, nine chapters) of longing.

And it was different from the playful, giggly kisses they’d given one another inside.

It was slow, purposeful, intentional. A way to say thank you, for Phineas to convey to Isabella just how much he cherished her, and for Isabella to do the same for Phineas.

It wasn’t a happy kiss, necessarily. But it wasn’t sad either. They stood nestled within the complicated space between those emotions, mourning the loss of their picnic and summers gone by even as they celebrated them.

And though the ache in Phineas’s chest didn’t disappear completely, even after Isabella murmured a reassuring, “I love you...” against his mouth as she kissed him, it faded a little with every instant he spent close to her, memorizing the way her words felt and made him feel.

“I love you too.”

He loved her, he loved her, he loved her.

Ardently, incredibly, deeply so.

Perhaps someday, he’d find a way to express that love flawlessly, with an invention or words so breathtaking and perfect, he’d eliminate the ache, the feeling of misunderstanding, the disconnect between his affection and his ability to convey it, forever.

But for now. Beneath the stars…in this quiet, plain, utterly ordinary backyard…..Isabella seemed to understand well enough.

For now, just Phineas was enough for her.

And, though he hadn’t grasped it just yet (and perhaps wouldn’t fully grasp it for quite some time), just Phineas would always be enough for her.

…

Ferb spent the ride home from regionally-renowned restaurant The Boiling Pot trying not to laugh as his parents discussed how the complimentary breadsticks had tasted good but not great and how it sure was a shame that Phineas and Isabella hadn’t tagged along with them because they would’ve loved the fireworks! And where had those fireworks even come from, anyway? What did “Gitchee Gitchee Goo” mean?

Ferb, of course, knew Isabella and Phineas were likely getting along just fine on their own.

He also knew precisely where the fireworks had come from. And what they meant. (He was a founding member of Phineas and the Ferbtones, after all.)

But he wasn’t about to spill the beans to his parents: Isabella and Phineas would have that honor.

“Have you heard from Phineas at all?” Linda asked.

Ferb glanced down at his phone and cracked a smile while scrolling through the messages he’d sent to Phineas over the past hour.

Phineas hadn’t responded to any of them, which wouldn’t have been a surprise even if Ferb hadn’t known he was spending time with Isabella. His brother wasn’t the greatest at replying to messages that didn’t need replies, especially when he was attending to other matters.

“I have not. I’m sure he’s fine, though.”

Ferb had done his best to stall at the restaurant, to be quite indecisive about his order and insist on buying dessert and give Phineas and Isabella as much time alone together as possible to figure out their feelings (because it was Phineas and Isabella: they needed all the time they could get), but one could only prolong the inevitable for so long.

Thankfully, the inevitable was about to happen.

(Well. Technically the inevitable had likely already happened, considering the fireworks. But Ferb couldn’t be absolutely sure until he got home because, again: it was Phineas and Isabella.)

“I wonder what Phineas and Isabella have been up to…” Laurence mused as he pulled in the driveway.

Ferb stifled a snicker in his elbow.

“Probably smooching,” he thought. “Or having heartfelt conversations about their feelings. Or just being sappy and sweet. Actually, it’s likely a combination of the three.”

He sent a quick text reading, “We’re home!” to Phineas before climbing out the car and heading for the door.

(Just in case they were partaking in the first of his proposed activities.)

Fortunately, Phineas and Isabella were not, in fact, partaking in the first of his proposed activities.

…but Ferb was more than a little perplexed by what they were up to instead.

He found Isabella and Phineas huddled over a textbook, graph paper, and calculators at the kitchen table, with an empty plate and two forks strewn off to the side.

Ferb’s eyebrows furrowed at the sight, confusion and apprehension prickling at his gut….because all of this seemed suspiciously platonic.

Sure, his brother and neighbor were seated QUITE close to one another. And the single plate and two forks seemed to indicate they’d shared food.

Both of those activities could be interpreted as romantic.

But they could also be interpreted as totally platonic (or, well, “totally platonic” in Phineas and Isabella’s case).

And Ferb also couldn’t be sure Isabella had seen the fireworks. Maybe they’d gone off too soon. Or too late. Maybe she’d been inside while they went off. Or asleep. Anything was possible in Danville.

Thus, Ferb couldn’t be absolutely, assuredly sure Phineas and Isabella were officially together until they told him. Or he asked them.

But he knew he shouldn’t just ask them, because if they hadn’t figured things out yet, asking them would just ruin the surprise and the four years he’d spent in silence about their mutual feelings would be for naught and HE WAS INCREDIBLY TIRED OF ALL THESE SECRETS—

“Woah! Hey, Ferb!!! I didn’t even hear you walk in the door!! How was the restaurant? .…and….how long have you been standing there?”

Phineas’s words rang hollow in Ferb’s head. He only barely comprehended his brother’s final sentence.

“….long enough to wonder whether you two have finally figured things out….” he muttered.

“OH! We sure did!!!” Phineas replied eagerly.

He gestured to a particularly complex-looking equation and continued, “This problem right here stumped us for awhile, but Isabella finally figured out we have to use the general Leibniz rule to solve it!!!! Honestly I can’t believe I didn’t think of that sooner, though I guess my brain has been a little preoccupied tonight…”

Ferb was going to fall over. He was going to fall over and then stand back up and grab a pillow and wack Phineas over the head with it because HE’D HAD AN ENTIRE ROMANTIC PICNIC AND FIREWORKS AND CONFESSION PLAN AT HIS DISPOSAL, HOW COULD HE BE TALKING ABOUT CALCULUS RIGHT NOW???? HOW HAD HE AND ISABELLA NOT FIGURED THINGS OUT YET??????

Isabella, meanwhile, glanced between Ferb (who looked about ready to snap something in half) and Phineas (who seemed blissfully unaware of that) before giggling. She placed a hand on Phineas’s shoulder and patted it gently, prompting him to look back at her.

“Phineas, sweetheart,” she voiced matter-of-factly, “I think Ferb is trying to ask if we started dating.”

She turned to Ferb and brightly added, “We DID start dating, by the way!!!!”

“Oh!!! Right!!”

(Phineas felt a little silly for not grasping that on his own, but it was alright.)

“Yeah, we started dating!!! Surprise!!”

And just like that. Relief. A mountain’s worth of pressure, over a DECADE’S worth of pressure, lifted from Ferb’s shoulders.

He sank into a chair opposite the happy couple and exhaled.

“….oh thank the stars.”

…

At last….Ferb can rest 😌.

ALSO MASSIVE SHOUT OUT TO MY BETA FOR COMING UP WITH “THE BOILING POT”!!!! I wanted to make a pun based off “The Boiling Isles” for the restaurant name (any Owl House fans here? 👀), and she came up with that and a couple other options and I LOVE HER THANK YOU FRIEND.

I sincerely hope you all enjoyed this chapter!! (And I sincerely hope the next update doesn’t take so long😅. But no promises, lol!) The end of the story is in sight…might take a couple more chapters to get there, but WE WILL GET THERE👏

As always, comments/reblogs/tags/likes are very much appreciated 😊💕

EDIT: OH ALSO!!!!! I owe a massive shout-out to @palizinhas. They write FANTASTIC Phinbella fic, and their story “Another Plan” inspired me to add the hurt/comfort scene into this chapter (I’d previously written it and decided to cut it).

#It’s been so long since i formatted a fic chapter for tumblr it feels weird #Not bad weird #But #weird #lol #anyway! Thanks for reading!!!#Chfil #Can’t help falling in love #Phineas and ferb #phinabella #phinbella #phineas flynn #isabella garcia shapiro #cadence writes #pnf fic

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tardytothepardy · 3 years

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Fruits Basket - Vol. 20

I want to try to break the book into three main chunks. The last time I did that, it was easier to write about. So uh, the first chunk has to do with Tohru and her feelings about Kyo, and Kagura's reaction, the second chunk is Akito and Ren's past being revealed (it's totally a mess but it's to be expected), and the third chunk is about things unraveling.

Ok cool let's do it. (The picture was at the end of one of the chapters, I just liked it a lot idk) (also tumblr needs to increase the character limit for the alt text, it's only 200 characters, which goes by quick. twitter has like,, 420, which is more manageable)

Tohru came to Kazuma's house to visit Izusu, and Kagura came to confront Tohru about something. What possibly could it be (as if I didn't say so in the beginning)? Kagura was talking about it a bit with Kazuma, and he said he just hopes that Tohru's feelings don't come from a place of pity (which is a mild "oof" point for Kagura, because that's mostly why she loved Kyo), because Kyo has had to deal with people either flat out hating him, or being nice to him out of a sense of pity. Even Kazuma admitted (earlier in the series. I don't remember when but I remember reading it) that part of the reason he took in Kyo as a child was because he was making it up for how he treated his grandfather, the previous Cat. Over time, those feelings fell away, in favor of genuinely caring for Kyo's wellbeing, but Kazuma doesn't seem to be the one who would forget about stuff like that. (Also it turns out that the previous Cat's partner basically stayed with him out of a sense of pity, as well)

It turns out that Izusu and Tohru were talking about the same thing, and Tohru worried if her feelings for Kyo were selfish, because she wanted nothing to take Kyo away from her, not the curse, not the Sohma family, nothing. Kagura then bust into the room, smacked Tohru across the fucking room it seems, and said, "Then fucking tell him that!!" (direct quote, 100%) Izusu yelled at Kagura for hitting Tohru, asking what right she had for doing that, but given Kagura's nature, it doesn't seem completely out of nowhere. She just got pretty emotional in that moment.

For Tohru, it seemed to knock the right screw loose for her, and she thought back to when she was talking about her father to Kyo, and if he said really anything against what she was talking about, she apparently would've just zipped her lips and pretended she hadn't said anything, and moved on, but he didn't. Which is pretty nice of him to do, honestly. Anyway, when she came to again (because she got knocked out from Kagura's emotion-packed slap), Kyo was sitting there, because Kazuma had called him, ("Hey dude so there was a smackdown here and Tohru got knocked out lmao" is how I'm imagining the call. kjdhkfgjh can you imagine Kazuma saying "lmao" I can't) but Kyo didn't ask about the fight (which was a Wise Lesson from Shishou™), another nice thing for him to do, though in my opinion it would be a pretty easy thing to explain.

Ok, so now onto the second chunk, which kinda has some of the stuff in the third chunk later on but whatever. Story flow, it's pristine today.

It starts with some of the,, maids? or something that are in the Sohma house (they never get names so far as I can tell, and I don't really know what to call them, but at one point someone referred to one of them as a maid, I think? Idk.) talking about Ren, and wondering why Akito still let Ren wander around freely like she does. Another said that Akito can only do so much, because apparently there is a crowd of people in the house that are "Ren-followers", and if she had Ren be completely contained within an area, there's a chance that those followers might start some shit, which would be a headache to deal with. One of the maids said that Akito has been sick (or holed up in her room) for too long, and the rest of the Juunishi are doing nothing to help, which does not help with Ren, who spouts out stuff about how the Juunishi doesn't really care about Akito at all. The maids seem to have a particular thing against Ren, because they view her as an unsuitable woman who somehow managed to become partners with Akira, the previous God, I think, but also the father of Akito.

Speaking of Akito, she has a box. That same box that Ren tried to use Izusu to get back. Something about that box has to do with Akira, and it seems important to both Akito and Ren, though honestly at this point Akito is probably just holding onto it out of spite for Ren, I wouldn't be surprised (I, too, am a petty bitch. I understand the mindset). She asked Kureno if he has any idea what is in it, and when he says he doesn't, she simply says, "Father."

Now we jump over to Ren and Shigure, who are also talking about about that elusive box. Apparently Shigure was tasked to get the box, but obviously he didn't succeed. He said (thought? He didn't say it aloud, it was one of those thoughts thing--- anyway) that he didn't really care, he didn't even want to touch that box, much less even look at it, it was no loss to him. Out loud, he says that it would be inappropriate for him to hold it, and Ren agrees, saying that only she can have it, just like how only she could have Akira, when he was alive. Are you already sensing where this is heading? Well, I'll say it anyway.

Flash back to Kureno, he's thinking about Akira, from when he was younger and Akira was still alive. He remembers Akira as very beautiful, in a fleeting way. Akira was sickly, all the time, and sad. Everyone knew that he wouldn't live for very long. But since he was the head of the house, of the family, it was imperative that he find a partner and produce an heir. That person was Ren, who was one of his care-takers. The rest of the staff (or something??) didn't like that she was going to be with Akira, it seemed unsuitable, but she was the only candidate. She was the only person who recognized how lonely he was, is what Akira said as a defense when people objected. And so, they were married. The older members of the family despised it, the younger thought it was the beginning of a new change, a new era. Ren said (because this section is flipping between Kureno and Ren) that it was only them two (haha grammar): Akira and Ren, they were all who mattered. She was everything to Akira. So when she had Akito, well, that muddled things. Because now there was another person that Akira loved: his own fuckin child. That's right. Ren got jealous of her own child because Akira loved his very own daughter. That's,, that's something. Shortly after that, Ren decided that Akito would be raised as a boy. Or maybe it was while she was still pregnant. At any rate, she said it was because it would be unsuitable for the head of the family to be a woman, but we all know the real reason: it's so that Akira wouldn't be loving another girl, even though that other girl was his daughter. Jfc Ren is a handful. From Kureno's memory, it seems like even as a kid, Shigure recognized that.

Back to Shigure and Ren, Shigure says that he feels sorry for Ren, probably thanks to all that upset she has. She says the same, that the Juunishi have had to deal with the abuse that Akito has dealt to them simply because of that "bond", and that there's no way that anyone could honestly love Akito. Shigure also comments that sometimes he thinks that if Akito had been raised as a woman, she'd look exactly like Ren, which instantly pisses Ren off. She just starts screaming about "Who do you have to thank for Akito being born! I'm the reason that (insert angry comment about how she's the only reason why x happened)". I'm kinda glad she isn't in the series much, this is exhausting. I know she's in the book later, and maybe a bit more in the next few, but jeez. It's a lot.

Anyway, let's end the chapter with Momiji having his curse be broken. The end is near (for the Juunishi, not this post lmao).

The second that the curse breaks, Akito knows it (that's probably the bond. I doubt it's some kinda "we'll be friends forever uwu" kinda thing, it's just kinda an awareness of each other, or maybe just God's awareness of everyone) and races towards Momiji, begging him to not leave. Now that the curse is broken, Momiji is confused as to how those thoughts he had prior for Akito were even there, now that he sees Akito clinging onto him, whimpering and panicked. Momiji waves her away, saying that he'll keep it a secret, and that Akito should go rest, wasn't she feeling sick earlier?

We pan over to the school, where Haru is asking Yuki if he's noticed anything off about Momiji. Haru can't place it, but something seems off, maybe not. Kyo ends up running into Momiji walking down a hallway, and asks him about it (he overheard the others talking about it), and Momiji just out and says it: his curse broke. He said he imagines that Tohru would be happier about it if it were Kyo's curse that broke, and that he (Momiji) lost. (I guess he lost in some unspoken one-sided competition of "getting" Tohru, because y'know she's not her own person who is capable of deciding these things for herself or anything)

Later, Momiji goes back to the main Sohma estate, to apologize to Akito for how he acted yesterday, but also to say that he won't be staying there any longer. Akito takes it like a champ, slapping Momiji across the face and insulting him, saying that he's a traitor, he has nowhere else to go, his family either doesn't remember him or hates him, he'll never be happy! and Momiji's just like, "Yeah lol I already feel lonely", that he can't be with the person he loves, and he no longer has that One Thing that previously connected him to most of the other people he's close with, and that there's no going back. He does say though, that it's not Akito's decision or place to say whether Momiji will ever be happy or not, because he might not be happy now, that does not mean that he won't ever be happy in the future. He then asks Akito how long she will stay at the house, thinking that eventually, everyone will come back to her, that no one will be happy without her. What if it's actually her that is most afraid-- Akito isn't down for an analysis, she just tells Momiji to leave.

Let's now go down memory lane, down a nice and happy time, especially for Akito and Ren: Akira's death and it's after effects. Happy times. (apparently i was wrong, the thing i said was the third chunk that wove in nicely with the second was just the second chunk, i think this is the actual third chunk)

Akito is thinking back (on a rainy morning, extra points for setting the mood) on her relationship with her parents. With Akira, it was nice, he always was kind and caring, telling Akito that she is what everyone has been waiting for, and that she thought she was the one Akira loved the most. With Ren, however, she was always cruel, from the start. She always glared at Akito, she was always mean. Akito hates her. We're brought back to the day Akira died, where Ren bursts into the room, asking why she wasn't notified sooner, why Akira had to die alone. One of the attendants said his condition worsened too quickly to call Ren close by, but also that Akira hadn't died alone; he died with Akito by his side. The attendant said that Akira's will had been passed onto Akito, she was now the head of the family. Ren was angered at that, there's no reason for Akito to still be around now! She only tolerated her child being around because Akira liked her, but now that Akira is gone, there is no one to love or care about Akito. Akito said that wasn't true, that all of the Juunishi will love her, because of their bond. (Which is basically what Akira said. He put most of that stuff into her head, and she doubled down on it whenever Ren said anything against it, which might as well be every single time they were around each other)

Back to the present, Kureno comes in the room to talk about something, but Akito interrupts him, saying that she was happy when Yuki was born, as the Rat. It was mostly just something she used to prove Ren wrong, and she used it as long as she could (much to the deterioration of Yuki's mental health). She thought back, over the years, to all the bad things that had happened, how she tried so hard to keep everyone close, and how all of them had, one by one, come to "betray" (cough cough, try to live their own lives, cough cough) her. After Shigure and Yuki left to their present residence, Ren said that they had given up on Akito. When Akito again mentioned their bond (which, really, now that I think about it, has basically been the singular thing straining to keep everything under control. Akito's sole sense of identity was being God, she's never had anything else.), Ren waved it away, then challenged that if any of the Juunishi can go out into the world, experience it in all it's freaky magical ways, and not be taken in by it, and instead return to Akito, then she will have been proved wrong, Akito's claims this whole time will have been correct. If they failed to, however, Ren said that Akito would have to give up the Sohma name. But Akito believed it, she truly believed she was right, that nothing big enough would come between her and the rest of the Juunishi (Tohru has entered the chat). She had to believe it, she just had to. But now, it's evident, between how Haru reacted upon learning about Izusu, Momiji's demeanor after the curse broke, the general way that the rest of the Juunishi float away from Akito, that it isn't true, and with that, she has nothing to hope for.

Upon this realization, Ren bursts into the room, knee-length hair floating around her, eyes crazed, knife in hand, demanding for Akira. Demanding for that box, and whatever contents were inside. In response, Akito fuggin yeeted it at Ren, she didn't give a shit. It flashed back to right before Akira died, and he soothed Akito by saying that, despite dying, he will always be with her. He wanted for Ren to be happy. He wasn't upset that he was dying so soon, he knew that he was just a man who was going to die, but he was happy that he was able to have a child, and to have had that child with Ren, and since that child was special, it was proof that their relationship was a special one. Back to the present, Ren scrambles to the box, tears it open hungrily to find,,, nothing. The box was empty. It'd always been empty, said to have held Akira's soul, but it was mostly just something to help Akito with Akira's passing. Suddenly, Akito grabbed the knife that fell from Ren's hand, poised to stab Ren but then--

Hiro's curse broke. Ren can thank that bond she always scoffed at for saving her life. But hey, now Hiro can hold his baby sister, which is nice. Yay for family moments.

Boo for Akito, because it's just really grinding in that the curse is quickly falling apart, and there's absolutely nothing that she can do about it. Ren taunts Akito, asking if she was trying to kill her. The attendants blow up, one yelling at Ren for making such a scene, taking a knife with her, and another scolds the first for giving Akito that box in the first place, it's stupid! The first attendant said that Akito knew from the start that it was empty, common sense would say that much! (idk man it could've held one last letter from Akira to Akito, a letter wouldn't affect the weight of the box significantly, it's not common sense)

Akito leaves the room, and Kureno follows. Akito says that it was both common sense but also not, that there wasn't anything in the box. She wanted to believe there was a chance that something was in that box, some kind of invisible energy that would help her. But even after opening it, seeing that it was empty, she still held onto it, knowing there wasn't anything. And that was her common sense, that's what she thought. She'd never been given any other way of thinking, of living, so why and how should anyone expect differently? Kureno says that she can start learning now, that that was what he wanted to talk about earlier, that she can't stay here, she'll never be able to move on, to which Akito cuts him off with "Fuggin now, bitch?? You're saying that now?? That doesn't help me! It would have helped in the beginning! But not fucking now!" (which btw is true. i doubt akito was even allowed to go to a public school, that she was schooled within the estate. i really believe that she's never really been outside of the the properties that the Sohma family owns) Then she stabs Kureno, with that knife she's been holding all this time. She reasons with it saying that Kureno's "halfway kindness" has been killing her this whole time, that it can't be fixed by Kureno saying that maybe Akito should go touch some grass. As Akito is running from the scene (more like haggardly stumbling), she continues thinking that it's Kureno's fault, it's not on her, until she remembers what Yuki was saying at the New Year's gathering about blame. It doesn't really fix anything, it just momentarily makes you think that you're not in the wrong. *record scratch* What if it's Akito's fault, then? All of this? What if it's her fault? What if it's the fault of the person who made everyone change? What if it's Tohru's fault?? (dun dun dunnnn)

Meanwhile, back at the other Sohma house (Shigure's house?) Tohru has some confessing to do. Before that though, Kyo has some confessing to do, though not about the same thing. He tells Tohru that he knew her mom before she died, and that he was the reason she died. He tells her that they met when he was really young, and how they had kinda become friends (in that way that people become friends by talking often, but Kyo never told Kyoko his name, because he had some weird thing about having a name so similar). That all fell apart the day that Tohru went missing. He promised that he would find her and rescue her, but after finding that Yuki had done it (the evidence was The Hat), he lashed out, and never talked to Kyoko again. Years later, when he was at the crosswalk, who was beside him but Kyoko, who he recognized instantly. He wasn't sure what to do, whether to say something to her or hold back. He was totally able to grab her arm, get her out of harm's way, but he didn't, he was too scared. (plus yaknow the whole cat thing) He beats himself up about, still to this day. He does the same with his own mom's death. It was his fault that his mom killed herself, she couldn't stand having such a monster as a child. It was too much for her, and she couldn't take any longer. (It wasn't. I won't say that his mom wasn't put under strain for having Kyo, for knowing that he wasn't human, that he turned into a weird monster if his bracelet was taken off, but from what we've seen of his dad, it was probably at least 85-90% his dad's fault. He was too caught up in the politics of the Sohma family, ashamed of the fact that Kyo was the Cat, the worst out of them, that he couldn't even salvage having one of the good freaks to have as a child of his, and he took it all out on his wife and later his son.)

And the book ends on that cheery note. (Why do I say stuff like that why I am I like this)

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kinetic-elaboration · 4 years

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October 16: 1x19 Tomorrow Is Yesterday

Today, one of the best, most entertaining, and most fun TOS episodes.

This intro is so strange lol. If I were watching this in 1967, I’d be like “Has Star Trek been preempted by something dumb?” It’s also very short.

That is in fact the definition of a UFO--what’s less identified than the Enterprise?

I can’t wait until a space ship of people from the future shows up. It’s 2020 so anything could happen.

Captain’s Log: This is weird!

I love all the shots of the Enterprise through this ep. How clearly it’s cut and pasted against the sky, the weird and jerky way it moves.

So I was confused by the use of the term “black star”--it is in fact a black hole (Spock’s eternal nemesis lol); that term just wasn’t well known or settled on to describe that particular phenomenon in 1967.

The method of time travel reminds me of The Naked Time (wasn’t that also like snapping a rubber band?) and according to the amazon trivia, this was supposed to be The Naked Time part two--which actually would have been pretty cool.

“If Scotty’s not dead” lol. How dark.

Amazed by how efficient this ship is--they get those reports back to Spock really damn fast.

I love how Kirk is so smart and good at history that he can immediately date when they are based on the news about a moon landing. (Although actually this episode pre-dates the actual moon landing so that was just a guess as to when it would happen, which I find AMAZING tbh.)

The drama of the time travel reveal! Close up on Kirk’s face: WHAT??

Sulu’s eye makeup is great. Bones’s is too, later.

“The craft might have nuclear warheads, which would be rather inconvenient for us.”

Kirk doesn’t know his own lady’s strength. Whoops, we accidentally destroyed your ship.

Why does Christopher beam up standing? Because it would be too funny if he beamed up sitting and then immediately fell on his ass?

Kirk immediately checks him out, and then starts flirting. He is so shameless.

“I’m a Captain too! I’m from Iowa!”

“Woman?” / “Crewman” feminist exchange paired with that horn music that usually accompanies Jessica Rabbit. Well A for effort boys.

The Enterprise is one of only 12 in the fleet. Not that that’s really trustworthy since everything in S1 of TOS is seat of the pants random facts and numbers lol. This episode refers to BOTH Starfleet and UESPA--and possibly the Federation? Already can’t remember. I don’t understand any more than Captain Christopher does.

“We’re a combined service.” Combined from what?

Captain Christopher was one of the best guest characters. Love how he’s on this amazing futuristic ship and the only thing he can say about it is “you guys sure fuck up a lot.”

Spock is having tons of fun with the new Earthman like IMMEDIATELY. “I also don’t believe in little green men--by which I mean don’t call me little.”

Another ep in which Spock is referred to as a Lt. Cmdr. while pretty clearly wearing a Commander’s uniform.

“Don’t touch anything.”

“Anything else on your mind, Mr. Spock? A threesome perhaps?”

“Jim, we cannot not exist.”

“That flight suit must be uncomfortable”--so unsubtle in wanting to get him undressed. “Why don’t you slip into something a little more comfortable, Captain?”

“Signet 14 is a planet dominated by women...with a sense of humor.”

“You can’t go home now that you know what the future looks like--damn fine, I mean take a look at us.”

“We’ve no place to go!” Oh Scotty, always coming in to burst some bubbles. They should have just gone on tours everyone’s home towns for fun.

And now Captain Christopher tries to escape. Exactly what Kirk would do in his situation. And yet Kirk is perplexed: “I sent him to his room--and he’s not in his room!”

Bones is so convinced that they have to leave and get back to their own time because they can’t have 435 people just wandering around 20th century Earth changing the timelines and that’s legit--but I think they could have stuck him in 1960s Georgia and he’d do fine. Except for the racism.

“Now you’re sounding like Spock.” Jim! How dare!!

“Could he be reeducated to forget his family” sounds VERY suspicious out of context. Or, really, in context.

Bones identifying that Spock is joking is hilarious and sweet. He pretends he doesn’t know him, but he does.

Kirk’s face when Spock is talking about Christopher Jr. is so MUCH--he looks like he could try.

I love the colors of this episode. I would buy a color tv for this for sure.

“Our tractor beam caught and crushed an Air Force plane.” Well that’s not good. Hard to explain that one.

Sulu gets to go on a one-on-one away mission with the Captain! And he’s obviously having a grand time.

“Look at this cool bulletin board!”

“Look at this primitive computer!” Which Kirk can identify because he likes going to museums because he’s a NERD I rest my case.

I feel like Spock is super alien today. Just giving off a lot of alien vibes. “I am working on my calculations.”

This episode is so hilarious; I love it. This guy’s reactions to Kirk and Sulu and their communicator, and their reactions to him and the whole situation. It’s really pretty cure comedy without much bearing on the plot--just for fun.

“I don’t hear anything.” I mean--you’re officers?? That’s the best you can do?

“Hmmm, you’re not Jim.” “We seem to have another problem.” “An unfortunate accident.” Bones taking the gun and probably keeping it. The absolutely on point score. “Our guest seems quite satisfied to remain where he is.”

Also “A subplot of this episode is that Kirk and Sulu steal government documents from an Air Force base” sounds very fake, but it’s completely true and accurate.

Kirk just straight up LAUNCHING himself at those guys. The ONLY valid fight scenes are in Star Trek TOS and it’s all because of Kirk and his highly choreographed fight moves.

“Three against one? Why don’t you get two more guys and make it a fair fight.”

But then as soon as he’s caught he turns on the charm.

Spock: “Poor photography.” He never knows the right thing to say, does he?

And now the obligatory moment when Bones accuses Spock of not caring about Jim even though he of all people should know better.

This interrogation scene is also hilarious and one of my favorites. How he doesn’t say his middle name is Tiberius. Wincing when they throw the weapon around. “I’m a little green man from Alpha Centuri.” “This little thing? Just something I slipped on.” “Two hundred years? That oughtta be just about right.”

Tbh sometimes I do feel better about the AOS!Kirk characterization because of scenes like this. Like, you could see that mid-20s Kirk turning into this mid-30s Kirk; the sense of humor is similar.

This man in the beret is having a fun time. I think he’d like to stay here. Also, I find the food replicators in the transporter room really random but I guess that was a budget issue.

This is such a good-natured episode. Everyone’s so friendly, so forgiving of light moments of back-stabbery, so generally good-hearted.

You’ve seen the Vulcan nerve pinch, now get ready for the Sulu shoulder chop! And then the Vulcan nerve pinch! And then the Kirk very-fake-looking punch in the face!

Spock so obviously wants to kiss it better. The camera is away from them for so long, it’s possible there was a lot of hand fondling going on.

And then everything about the rest of the scene--how Spock somehow leaves by one door and comes in by another to get behind Christopher; how he lurks out of focus in the background; the random shots of Sulu’s face; all the opportunities for Kirk to look Fond.

Aw, poor Christopher. Didn’t get into NASA but he still gets to go to space. I wonder if a part of him did remember all this and that’s how he inspired his son to work on the Saturn probe.

Also there is no way for DC Fontana or anyone else to know this but there was a Saturn probe launched in 2004, which is approximately the right timeline to match this ep--if Christopher’s son was born in 1970, he would have been in his mid-30s in 2004.

“You only have 15 years, so you better hurry”--Kirk, hurrying to get his last flirty comment in.

More shaky ship and more people throwing themselves around the set. Never gets old.

Christopher sure learned the ship fast. He’s already pushing buttons to talk to the bridge. Maybe NASA made a mistake.

Scotty is a genius lol--they were SUPER precise in getting both of those guys back to the exact right moment in time.

“Mr. Scott is still with us”--again!

Uhura really likes the lady computer voice.

“The Enterprise is home!”

Amazing ep, as expected. I don’t have deep commentary on it because it wasn’t a deep episode, but it was a rollicking fun time. Next up is Court Martial, primarily memorable for the introduction of Kirk’s ex-girlfriend, The Lawyer.

#star trek tos #the year 2020 #2020: fandom thoughts #2020: star trek

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13parkfilter · 4 years

Text

a wangxian playlist no one asked for

These are track notes for a wangxian playlist no one asked for, because CQL / mdzs fandom ate my life and I somehow needed to make a super dramatic 28 song playlist that follows wangxian’s love in (extremely loose) chronological order, from their first meeting as cute battle teens all the way through the depths of angst and eventually to becoming cultivation partners and (I’m positive) really great co-parenting dads.

Because I’m like that ™ , you can find notes for each and every song below. Any weird song choices are entirely my fault. Spoiler alert: Frank Ocean.

This is a real long playlist and you could definitely break it into shorter stretches by mood. For the happiest and most in love vibes, hit the first 6 songs and the last 6 songs. Dramatic Burial Mounds vibes are from 7 to 13. It may be very satisfying to go from the depths of sadness and grief (~16) through to the end.

1. Don’t Know What to Do | BLACKPINK

Inspired, of course, by WYB and XZ’s demonstrated love of Blackpink in the CQL BTS videos. For a little while Stay was on this list instead, but I kept coming back to this song because to me it gets at that excited “everything is new and I’m young and so in love” feeling. Two people could certainly have a playful duel under the moonlight to this song, if they wished.

2. A Loving Feeling | Mitski

Something about Mitski’s melancholy, slightly maudlin and self-deprecating vibe in this song is just peak “I wasn’t flirting… unless…?”

3. Self Control | Frank Ocean

Somehow this playlist ended up structured around two overlapping arcs carried by Frank Ocean and Lykke Li, respectively, which makes no sense in theory but maybe kind of works? Idk, let me know if it works. If it does, maybe it’s because so many Frank Ocean songs are incredibly raw love songs about loss and the work that memory does to keep your love alive, and so many Lykke Li songs are about trying to slog through all the pain and bullshit without losing sight of that kernel of untarnished brightness, whatever it was that made you want to love in the first place.

I love this song for many reasons, but in no small part for the sorry-not-sorry vibe of apologizing for making someone lose their self control.

4. Look After Me | Cub Sport

This song is real honest and tender about people taking care of each other and it messes me up.

“There's something in the way you look at me

Like I've never done wrong

There's something in the way you look at me

When I was wrong all along.”

5. We Could Run | Beth Ditto

Ok, imagine this playing in the background during LWJ and WWX’s first meeting with Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. A good song to play as you run into the sunset holding hands with your cultivation partner, is what I’m saying.

6. Unconditional Love | 椎名林檎 (Shiina Ringo)

This is just a super sweet and painfully dramatic love song, the kind of song that plays for a man who makes grand unsung gestures like composing magical love songs and secretly adopting your child after you’ve died. This is before the latter part of that, though.

7. Bad Religion | Frank Ocean

This is the first turning point on the list, the fading of youthful optimism and the start of choices that there’s no going back from. This is when you start to realize that you really can’t please everyone, and you can’t do what you believe is right without someone hating you for it. It’s also the point at which your neuroses and blind spots start to go from being quirky and cute to a cage of your own making. You have to deal with the bad shit you inherited from your parents eventually. If you don’t you’ll either make the same mistakes they did or make different mistakes because you’re fighting so hard to keep your head above water.

I really like the part when Frank Ocean asks his taxi driver to outrun the demons. Feels like something a modern AU WWX might say.

8. Silent My Song | Lykke Li

I didn’t want to go full angst here because this playlist is about *cue Westley bellowing in the Princess Bride* TRUE LOVE and so I didn’t go as hard as I could here, but this is the start of the golden core + first Burial Mounds arc.

9. Figure 8 | FKA twigs

I can hear the resentful energy swirling in this one. This is probably the most abstract choice on the list but to me something in it evokes the curdled rage and seething of an unquiet spirit.

10. Fantasmas | Ambar Lucid

This is a song about living with ghosts: of a failed relationship, and the mistakes that it took to get there.

11. Green Grass | Cibelle

I love this song because it’s a little sweet and a little scary at the same time. It’s gentle and haunting and the lyrics are as unforgettable as poetry.

Is this a love song that a corpse is singing to someone visiting their grave? I like to think so.

12. I Bet on Losing Dogs | Mitski

In spite of the dog reference (lol) this whole song is a super WWX trying to live with the Wens in the Burial Mounds mood in my opinion. It has turnip energy. Trampled yet undefeated lotus energy, if you will.

13. Godspeed | Frank Ocean

This song is the essence of heartbreak and knowing that you have to finally let go of someone. Am I imagining LWJ and WWX singing this back and forth to each other at the Burial Mounds, depending on which line it is? Am I crying about it a little? Maybe.

“I let go of my claim on you.”

“There will be mountains you can’t move.”

14. I Know Places | Lykke Li

This is the “Come back to Gusu with me” song, even though it’s coming later in the timeline than it should. (I sort of compressed all the Burial Mounds-set songs together for a better flow). Anyway I feel like this captures all of those unspoken desires, that frustrated feeling of caring about and believing in someone so much without being able to protect them from all the people and powers that want to hurt them. But you have to try.

15. Deeper Than Love | Antony and the Johnsons

This song is almost. Too dramatic. This is meant to be at Nightless City / WWX’s fall. I originally had 2 completely different songs here but I ended up liking the arc of this song and where it ends up. The two songs I originally had here were a much more bitter feeling, but I like that this song is tragic and painful and is still a kind of love song at the same time. I really wanted this playlist to be all love songs, some very different from each other, some more about pain and loss and regret than the good parts of love, but still love songs.

“And I have tried to shine in the darkness

Entertaining vanities in vain…

Hold on

And hold on

And let go

Let go

And fall deeper

Even than love.”

16. Days of Candy | Beach House

To me this song is very evocative of the mingled feelings of grief in the immediate aftermath of a loss. Grief is never a pure, singular feeling, but a sticky amalgam of missing and wanting and sweet memories and a deep pit of pain. The sort of slow, half-asleep sadness full of watery light that this song evokes really takes me there, to the place where the grief is real but the loss is still almost unreal, where the feeling of that person still hasn’t left, your senses are still full of them, you just heard their voice yesterday, they might come into the room at any moment. It’s the almost— joyful?? part of grief that you don’t realize has any joy in it yet because you haven’t yet started to forget. You can’t imagine being able to forget, and you have no idea how much worse it will be when you can’t immediately evoke their presence anymore to comfort yourself. When you can’t pretend anymore that you’ll be able to see them again.

17. Last Song | Gackt

Idk why exactly but Gackt is very yearning LWJ vibes in this song. Is it the earnestness? The intensity? The incredibly romantic lyrics? The deep, smooth voice?.. All of the above?

Anyway, if the previous song was nonverbal grief, this song is the start of the solidifying of grief, moving past rage and disbelief and self-destructive denial and gradually into a crystallization, a narrative of what the loss meant. Instead of a great crushing thing that blots out the sky and swallows your entire life, the grief becomes just another part of you— a defining part, maybe, but still part of a greater whole. And you move on. Or you try to.

18. Sleeping Alone | Lykke Li

This is 13 years of going where the chaos is, searching and playing Inquiry and never giving up, resigned to sleeping alone in strange places but still just never ever giving up.

“Now was not our time, no, I let you down.

Someday, somehow, somewhere down the line… we’ll meet again.”

19. Busby Berkeley Dreams | The Magnetic Fields

Does every deep-voiced man singing a dramatic love song remind me of LWJ now? Maybe. At least I refrained from filling the entire playlist with Stephin Merritt songs.

“I should have forgotten you long ago, but you’re in every song I know” is just… the most Wangxian sentiment.

This is a bit of a modern AU LWJ, one who would definitely cry into his True Romance magazines. I do still think that this song very much captures how he must have felt hearing the song he wrote played on a terrible flute after 13 years, though. It definitely doesn’t have a flute solo in it, either.

20. Ivy | Frank Ocean

This song is peak WWX in a mask, trying to hide from LWJ and his own emotions at the same time. But also, maybe, the start of some emotional awareness and genuine communication. Thanks to Frank Ocean for this entire playlist, practically.

21. Fireworks | Mitski

Another song about memories and dealing with the past even when it comes back to stab you in the side. (s/o to Jin Ling, low key my favorite character, never afraid to cry in any situation)

“I will be married to silence

The gentleman won't say a word

But you know, oh you know in the quiet he holds

Runs a river that'll never find home.”

22. Hell | Waxahatchee

This is a song about apologizing to someone for putting them through hell. To me it’s a very adults-in-love song, and there’s a sort of gentleness to acknowledging the pain and mistakes of the past while still having hope that maybe love is really worth it after all— especially if you’re “one of those who canonize a love so true it never dies.”

23. A letter to my younger self | Ambar Lucid

I have to admit that the title of this song makes me think of yiqie’s truly excellent time travel fic that is very heartbreaking and very beautiful. I don’t want to spoil it if you haven’t read it (go read it), but it’s safe to tell you that it grapples with and transcends all the reasons I usually avoid time travel fics, like the idea of helplessness in the face of fate, and how much control we really have over our own decisions, and what it means to let people make their own mistakes.

24. Let’s Pretend We’re Bunny Rabbits | The Magnetic Fields

This one really speaks for itself.

Besides, “Let’s pretend we’re bunny rabbits until we pass away” is just a cuter way of saying “Everyday,” right?

25. ”愛してる”からはじめよう (“Let’s start from ‘I love you’”) | Miyavi

I personally feel that Miyavi has big sunshine WWX energy. This is just. A very cute and soft love song. Feels like napping in some tall grass in the summertime. Waking up next to your lifelong crush and remembering how lucky you are. Wandering from town to town with your true love and your donkey. That type of energy.

26. Angels | The xx

The last three songs on this list never fail to give me Big Dramatic Feelings.

I think what this song captures well is the feeling of just drifting along, lost in your thoughts, showing up somewhere— and suddenly seeing the person you know to be the love of your life at an unexpected time or place, and being struck all over again with… all of it. Your heart stutters, everything slows down, and for a second you forget to breathe. Like: Oh yeah. Oh shit. I remember why I love you. I remember how it felt when I was first falling in love with you. And I never want it to stop.

“And with words unspoken, a silent devotion. I know you know what I mean.”

27. Love Me Like I’m Not Made of Stone | Lykke Li

I think of this as the quintessential WWX love song, from the title to the sentiment of the lyrics to the moody burning joy of the sound of it. It’s demanding and soft and confident and raw all at once.

Props to Lykke Li for the redemption arc of this playlist.

28. Good to Love | FKA twigs

MAKE MY BODY COME ALIVE. This is the song that really says the most to me about the pain and beauty and the vulnerability and intimacy of being in love. What I love about all of FKA twigs’ music is how beautifully she merges and intertwines the messy physical and spiritual aspects of love. Her music is a sexy secular prayer to Eros imo and I’m here for it.

#cql #playlists no one asked for #dramatic love songs #idk #this is how i deal with my obsession #wwx #lwj #wangxian #i guess

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migleefulmoments · 4 years

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“Precious little d. Either embarrrssed about talking about sex or it had been quite some time, and if it had been a long time, that seems quite inconsistent with the PR story that was starting to ramp up as this was not long before confirmation day and the I’m a straight man with a gf tour.” Gawd is she serious lols. Darren loves a naughty pun so why would be embarrassed to talk about sex. And seeing as Abby has probably never had sex she should probs keeps quiet.

Darren embarrassed to talk about sex? HE WROTE “ME AND MY DICK”!!!!!! He has a bar called Tramp Stamp Grannies which serves drinks called boob soup...there is no way in hell he was embarrassed. Like who the hell is she thinking about when she says that? Herself? Kurt with his “because of the layers” conversation? Certainly not Darren Criss.

The clip is here (X) so you don't have to watch the entire episode.

He says ‘who me” and takes a heart beat to answer - Kathy makes another joke and he says “IDK...IDK, yesterday?” to which Kathy says “because I would think playing a gay guy but being a hot straight guy, you must get a ton of pussy” and he says “Well I mean, well I mean, I don’t want to embarrass Lily...” In fact Darren says “yeah, yeah” while Kathy is saying this. He wasn’t silent and trembling in the corner while Lily saved him. IDK what video you were watching. Kathy wasn’t outing him she was making a joke about how much pussy he gets being straight and hot but playing a gay guy. How do the ccers get everything so wrong? Oh right- they cut the clip, slow it down, make a gif which Abbys calls

““Little bonus:”

Keep reading some high-end nonsense-I commented on some of the nonsense but I only made the comments regarding this video “bold”.

Anonymous asked:

For some reason KGriffin has been on my mind today. Her infamous interview asking D about vaginal sex. Dude looked like he was going to come out of his skin. Another thing as close as C is with her I’ve seen a lot of pics with him at her house at parties without the boyfriend.

Oh you mean this classic moment? An interview just a few short months after the woman he had been betrothed to since birth moved to LA and you’d think the answer would be frequent and all time and not something that would completely fluster him. So much so that L/ily had to step in and save him.(Yes, because everyone wants to say “frequently and all the time” about their girlfriend who just moved to town. Classy. Lily didn’t “step in and save him”. You should have watched the video again before you write about it.)

You can always see his brain spinning, thinking “can I say 3 years ago before I became Co/lfersexual? Oh wait my beard lives here now. Surely if it were real it would be all the time. Should I just refer to the last time I had sex with C? They don’t need to know there was no vagina involved…..” (Yes, that is exactly what a sane person would think in the heartbeat it takes him to answer. Watch the video again- NOT THE GIF...your fantasy has changed the facts-you sound like Trump “he ran int other tunnel and died crying and screaming and whimpering like a dog”)

He was so obviously struggling and thankfully L/ily, an openly gay woman, made it into a joke to spare him. (what joke does L/ily tell that saves him? I’m curious because when I watch the video that part must be mute)

Precious little d. Either embarrrssed about talking about sex or it had been quite some time, and if it had been a long time, that seems quite inconsistent with the PR story that was starting to ramp up as this was not long before confirmation day and the I’m a straight man with a gf tour. (But look at that, it IS consistent with YOUR story of a fragile but powerful gay man who realized he loved his costar the moment they met but woefully that love is forbidden for reasons that make no sense whatsoever but involve Ryan Murphy and a contract, a contract he signed with wide-eyed innocence at 23. He just wanted to share his talents with the world and the lure of fame dazzled him but he soon found out he signed the deal with the devil. It’s the story of a man who chose the wrong beard and is still paying for that a decade later just as he still pays for signing that contract as a naive 23 yo. A man who, as you say “likes cock”, but it stuck spending most of his time with his “wife”, a woman he detests. This fragile but strong man who wrote “me and My Dick” and mimicked masturbation while standing in front of the paparazzi pen on a red carpet is is TERRIFIED of talking about sex...duh!)

*****************************************************************************************

rougedraconteur asked:

Just want to say that I could not be happier about most of the Halloween costumes and parties this year. But, I do think it needs to be said that Kathy and Chris were friends before this. By this interview with D, she and Chris had been pals for years. I know she was on Glee, as a judge of one of their many competitions. And she also held a fake marriage ceremony with him on stage somewhere, with Chris as her groom. She’s like Jane, a mom sub. C was on K’s show, then D, same as Jane’s.

And yes, Kathy knew. She always has, same as Jane. They are insiders, people to be trusted with the truth. She just loves to put people on the spot, even those she cares about. All of these folks on the show that day, knew the truth, whatever it was at that time.(She’s his mother figure? but his mother was alive when this was shot. I love how they “know” this stuff-everyone know but nobody thought to help Darren or stop working with Ryan Murphy out of solidarity and support- hell even Darren didn’t support Darren by icing Ryan Murphy out of his life. Also nobody has leaked on bit of information ...ever...in 10 years. That impressive AF. )

***********************************************************************

This Halloween was like Christmas, it was fabulous and no matter what they try, they cannot undo it. And I am confident D&C were fully aware of what was happening on Thursday night with the pictures. They have been playing this game for years, they know how not to be in the background of photos. They wanted those pics circulated.(more confirmation bias) So my question is, why now and who allowed those pics to be published? We all know the content is generally very controlled. And I would imagine EP has full control over the pics that are released from his party, I always question his involvement and well he was responsible for the only formal pic to date of CC, albeit a group photo.

C killed Halloween with his 2 costume choices. They were amazing. And I love that both he and D wee in drag last Saturday.

As for M/iarren, while the costumes themselves were not that great (kind of cheap and poorly executed though D as a dalmatian was adorable). I would say she spent more time and effort on the pics with her “squad’), i loved both of them. The villain and the victim. And in both cases, the D character won. And costume one was a blatant nod to C and his amazing books. Proving she is obsessed with us and what we say and trying to one up C.

Sad for her, she lost Halloween this year and CC triumphed and caused an absolute riot (a riot caused by Chris, Darren, Will and Mia speaking together at a party.. it has come to this#SAD!).

On K/athy thanks for the insight. I guess i cannot imagine asking such a direct question if I knew the truth. I guess what she failed to realize is that D is a terrible liar, especially back then. (why would Kathy, a great friend to Chris, do something so painful and difficult for Darren in front of a video camera let alone on a comedy show. Outing someone is a serious matter and not something concussive a rapid-fire comedy show. Your theory makes no sense whatsoever). His face told a million stories and none of them were of a straight man with a gf that just moves across the country to be with him (yes Abby, his face gave him away because his words sure as hell didn’t, never have and never will. It’s absurd but you continue to believe you know his truth based solely on facial expresses-which you have proven you cannot read accurately-, t-shirt graphics, song lyrics and Instagram “likes” but sadly, that is where we are at).

No doubt both L/ily and JTF knew. I think JTF has actually been a role model to D. And he and JM have been, from what i can see, really amazing to both our guys.(Vomit- random gay men in Hollywood are not “supporting Darren” through his 10 years of closeting, denial and marriage to a women-they have their own lives.) And L/ily would never have jumped in that way if she thought for one second that d was capable of handling it himself (Oh FFS, Darren made the joke about him and Lily having vaginal sex, Lily didn’t jump in, she cracked up and after he milked the joke for all he could get out of it- then she made a joke riffed off his. Your fantasy has overtaken the truth once again. Luckily we have video proof). But since D could not muster an answer, she answered for him and then he was able to collect himself and go with the joke. (that isn’t true at all-it’s a complete a lie).

Intereting side note, when that video originally aired, i still believed the PR story and I remember thinking about how odd his answer was and how uncomfortable he was. And i wasn’t looking for anything as I didn’t think there was a reason for him to lie.

I love this interview. And example of something team shit would dream about if only d could answer convincingly and instead it completely shined a light on the fact that D is queer and prefers the company of men, at least at that point in his life (Not making a statement on his past and sexuality) (OMG really? You're not? All you do is make statements about his sexuality. Let’s pretend you are right with this theory- For all the help that Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Ricky Martin, Ryan Murphy, and all the other gay men in Hollywood are providing ccDarren, this video showing how team shit failed again was broadcast 6 1/2 years ago (3/13) and Darren is still saying he’s straight, he’s still not spending time with Chris -well of course except the Halloween moment caught on the camera-they still lead entirely different lives and Darren married Mia sooo I’m not sure how they are team “shit”. Sounds like “team perfect” since everything is going their way. They even got Darren to cuddle Mia for a photo as “punishment” for that little moment with Chris...Team Shit for the Win....again!)

#cc #ccer #cc fandom #crisscolfer #darren criss #debunking cc liees #Kathy Griffin Show

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anothergirlrecovering · 5 years

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Lynn 105

got there a minute before Lynn and use the bathroom and when I came out I sat down and she open the door and said I could come on in. I sat down and she asked how I was doing and I said good and asked how she was and she said she was also good and then she said so how was your week I said it was OK how was yours and she said it was good so far and she said she couldn’t member if she had told me about her friend having a baby and how she would be helping take care of her so she might be taking off work depending on if things change. I said she had told me and that was fine we can play it by ear. She asked how my week had been and if I had seen the dietitian and I said yeah I saw her right Before coming here. She asked me how it went and I told her about what she said and Lynn was like what are you eating better this week and I was like I mean yes and no and she just sort of waited with her pen in hand and I was like I mean I dropped more weight if that’s what you’re asking and she wrote something down and I was like what the heck but OK. She asked about EMD are and where I was stuck and she looked back through all of her notes and pointing out that we’ve gotten stuck in a line when I look back at everything where do I actually feel stuck and how does that play with eating disorders side of things because she was like you know we’ve said this from day one that you don’t have to be sick to come here in fact the goal is that you get better and better and better and then you don’t even want to be here unless if something random happens that bothers you and you need to work through it but if you wanted to you could literally come in anytime you want to just to work on self improvement goals so that’s not a good excuse and I laughed and I was like OK but it honestly I know you are rationally saying all that there still that part of me that feels the need to be sick and she was like I’m not gonna let you win on this one I’ve already said you can see me for as long as you want him and I was like OK fair but she was like as we talked about in the beginning if the eating disorder becomes too much of an issue I’m going to have to refer you out and I said that I understood and She straight up was like at what point do we refer you to treatment how much weight you have to lose and I was like wait what and she was like I’m not an expert but what did the dietitian say about it or do you know and I was like I mean I’ve only seen her three times now but out of point if there are medical issues going on or there is continued failure to make progress at the outpatient level at a point you refer to IOP and then depending on how severe use day they bump you up to inpatient or PHP but I was like that’s not gonna happen and she was like OK well you need to eat prove me wrong and I was like I’m working on it. She asked again about where I felt stuck and whether or not the issue was eating this order or this other stuff and I said I think the eating disorder is essentially just a way of coping with the other stuff so it’s kind a like a secondary thing and she brought up secondary gains and I was like no I don’t think it’s what you’re describing but I think there is a secondary gain in the fact of if you are getting sicker it does validate that you’re sick and if I’m always afraid that there’s not actually something fixable that’s wrong with me I needing shorter is fixable. I tried explaining what I have thought through which was just that I think when I looked back at my trajectory of weight loss over the past two years I think initially this trend of weight loss started innocently where I started taking insurance and got busy and did actually start missing breakfasts and lunches but then in December Lynn started talking about not being sure if MDR was a good fit for me and getting stuck and I think there is that sense of there’s something inherently wrong with me that can’t be fixed and maybe there’s nothing wrong I’m just building up in my head and if I have an eating disorder, which of course this is all on conscience but if I have an eating this order then it validates the fact that they must actually be something wrong. I don’t really know if any of that made sense but when I explained it as the sword of my other issues as the primary in the eating stuff as a secondary she was like OK then eat. Eat so we can work on the other stuff I’m really get to what’s wrong and fix it. I said OK and I’m trying. She asked me about EMD are and where I was at and with all of that and I was basically like I think when I think about my whole life regarding this type of issue I feel like there’s this little kid part of me that never grew out of age 6 with feeling Completely desperate and helpless and I’ve always been trying to prove that there is actually something wrong with me or that I’m actually sick and deserve help because on the one hand if you don’t really have a problem and you don’t really even deserve to get help and so I just when I think of being that six-year-old kid at the doctors trying to tell them about the stomachaches and being completely minimized I just have this really desperate and helpless feeling. She said we could go with that and so she took out the light bar. I noticed that I wasn’t really feeling anxious but that I was just feeling really sad for that little kid because it is such a desperate and helpless feeling. At one point I said that I wished I could go back and talk to that kid and she was like what would you want to say to her and I was like well really I guess I would want to go back and talk to the doctor and es I noticed that I wasn’t really feeling anxious but that I was just feeling really sad for that little kid because it is such a desperate and helpless feeling. At one point I said that I wished I could go back and talk to that kid and she was like what would you want to say to her and I was like well really I guess I would want to go back and talk to the doctor and tell her that I had anxiety and that was the stomachaches and Lynne was like OK I didn’t say to go back and establish a treatment plan LOL she was like what would you want to say to yourself imagine that little girl is right here sitting in the chair OK maybe she’s playing on the floor and I was like I mean I would I think education is really important I think I would explain that worry is normal and that it’s OK to be scared and I would explain that sometimes our brain gets sick and perceives things as extra scary and I would explain what a phobia is using the fire alarm analogy because every kid understands the fire alarm analogy where the fire alarm goes off at school and there’s not really a fire but everyone has to exit the building and then the fire department comes and shuts it off, but when you have anxiety or a phobia it’s like the fire alarms are going off for no reason but there’s no fire department coming in and shutting it off and we need to teach you how to turn the fire alarm off yourself. I said that I would tell her it’s OK to reach out for help and talk about her feelings and I explained how I think I’m growing up when I think about the few times that I did try to talk about my feelings or asked for help with anything mental health related they always minimized it or I got rejected for having it and so I learned to use my body to communicate my emotions and that wasn’t healthy and that’s landed me where I am today. I noticed that I think there was a part of me that always knew there was something wrong with me and just didn’t know what it was and honestly maybe that was why I envision that little imaginary world in my head which went on for way too long but I pretended that the person I was in that imaginary world had this made up illness and maybe that was my way of trying to cope with the fact that I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know a word for it and everybody was basically acting like I was crazy for it. I told her about the guy at the county clerks office yesterday and just help in processing it made me think about how I can’t help but wonder if somebody had stepped in like that dad to try to protect me from all of those little comments that always build up how different would my life be. I noticed that it’s all in the past and I’m frustrated that I’m even still obsessing over all of it because I can’t change any of it now. I explained how I had looked back at My old pictures on Facebook to find things to be grateful for and honestly and looking back at it it was like I had so many good things to look back on and truly I’m so grateful for my best friend Michelle in childhood because I think she was a huge buffer for me but I think for as much is like there were really good things about my childhood but there are also some really bad things to you and if I objectively look at it I know that there was bad things about it and when I looked back those pictures it was like in every single picture despite all the good things going on like having fun in college and being in a sorority and experiencing you’re up like if I had gone back in time and talk to that person my old pictures on Facebook to find things to be grateful for and honestly and looking back at it it was like I had so many good things to look back on and truly I’m so grateful for my best friend Michelle in childhood because I think she was a huge buffer for me but I think for as much is like there were really good things about my childhood but there are also some really bad things to you and if I objectively look at it I know that there was bad things about it and when I looked back those pictures it was like in every single picture despite all the good things going on like having fun in college and being in a sorority and experiencing Europe like if I had gone back in time and talked to that person that person would’ve told me how much they hate themselves and I’ve never been able to truly enjoy the present because I’m always wrapped up in being angry at myself and hating myself and it’s like even when I think back to freshman year when I was literally having the time of my life eating whatever the fuck I wanted and building friendships and having fun with easy classes, I’m still somewhat haunted by those memories of me crying in the bathroom and taking a razor and slicing the word fat across my stomach. And I explained how there was a picture of my mom and I and how I have been the one to initiate the picture and I think back then like if we accessed my freshman year and even later notes from therapy there would be absolutely nothing about my mom in there because back then I didn’t think that I had a problem with my mom because I thought there was something wrong with me and I was the problem and therefore there wasn’t an issue with us there was just an issue with me and so I think I really should’ve been was a lot better and now the more and more that I’ve come to grips with the fact that it wasn’t my fault that I wasn’t taking care of it makes me angry and I don’t know maybe when was like what would it take to let go of the past and I was like I don’t know maybe letting myself feel that anger towards everyone else instead of taking it out on myself and I was like I don’t know does it work that way and she was like just go with it and I was like I don’t know maybe there’s a period of time ride you need to let myself just feel that anger at everyone else for not getting me the help that I needed because the signs were all there but that’s really hard because if I’m letting myself feel anger towards my parents then it makes me want to disconnect from them and I don’t want anything to do with them because I’m angry with them and then I also just end up also feeling guilty and sorry for them because it’s like I know she didn’t know how to be a mom and maybe I’m making excuses but when I think about it now I’m just like I can’t imagine being a grown adult and knowing that neither one of my kids has a relationship with me and really cares to call and so I don’t know how to find that balance of letting myself feel angry but not completely cutting them off and Lynn smiled and was like so you mean boundaries? And I was like yeah I mean I guess that’s the word I’m going for. She was like I think were in a good transition place but good work. I said OK Thanks and we scheduled for the two weeks out and then she brought up with her friend having the baby they scheduled the C-section so she was thinking of changing that third week so we went ahead and scheduled anyway and normally she asked me to be one of those people who skips a week but she didn’t this time so I’m wondering if she’s just more concerned with me right now but I almost had to skip it because she didn’t have a good availability were I was like what the heck like she had already given away the morning and late afternoon appointments around like the middle of the day is just really fucking mean yet but I was able to work it out to do the Monday morning and I will just have to switch a few of those recurring client times. She told me to eat and to take care of myself and she said safe travels and I said thanks and she said it’s not supposed to rain until tonight I don’t think I said maybe it’ll snow and she said ew hopefully not and I said I hope you’re wrong but we’ll see and then we said bye and I headed out.

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underthebluerain · 6 years

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Watched Thor: Ragnarok yesterday. Some of it I liked, some of it I loved, most of it was a mess, some of it I hated. The things I loved made me really emotional and saved it from being a wholly bad experience. The things I hated are the reason I am really glad I didn’t spend money on it.

Fair warning, this "review” is as messy and disjointed as the film. Also long.

-The moment the movie started with Thor’s monologue it was clear it was 100% off tone with the Thor universe. Like what.

-The first woman we saw in Thor was Jane Foster doing scientific research. The first women we see in Ragnarok are two unnamed fanservice extras who are presumably skurge’s conquests and are there for the guy to show off to, with barely any lines, no important role and (I think) never seen again. Just a thought.

-I will admit, I did fid some moments funny and genuinely enjoyed them. Others were just ridiculous, a sign they completely ignored the kind of story and especially characters they were showing. And the moments that should’ve been dramatic but that were played in a funny way, even worse. Like Thor and Loki’s reunion. Thor thought he was dead, again. Honestly. Take away all the emotional depth why don’t you. (Yeah I still laughed but it was a Robbed Angst Moment).

-Not to be That Guy but... Loki’s in-universe The Dark World play has Lady Sif and the Warriors Three in a bigger role than they had in it (since they are present at Svartalfheim) and also has Jane in it so 1) it’s keeping both Sif and Jane UNLIKE THIS MOVIE and 2) how shitty is that the in-play acknowledges these characters and the film proper doesn’t. I am so tired of Marvel’s self-referential “haha let’s lampshade the fact that the women are missing but not actually do anything to remedy it!” also unashamedly used in AOU and Antman.

-The bit they showed us about the play I liked in general though, it had plenty of Bro Feels. And Odin!Loki mouthing “I didn’t do it for him” lol but also aww. Also interesting that Sif and the W3 were included (just like in his deleted TDW imagining. He really wants Thor’s friends to like him damn) worried about him and Sif was sent to get help...?? They are not helping me forget about sifki tbh

-Also I shouldn’t be surprised that something serious like Loki’s origins was mentioned only to be funny but like... what?? He seriously decided to let everyone know?? Really?? And is this play seriously how he decided to do it?? When was this?? Was everyone chill with it?? When did he become cool with it??

-Was Jotun!Loki called a blue icicle or did I hallucinate that

-Literally the only mention of Jane is of how she dumped Thor and him saying he dumped her instead. Besides Jane being missing, several reasons why this is shitty: 1) again, only one mention of her in the entire film 2) the only mention has her referred to only insofar as her relationship or lack thereof with Thor goes 3) Thor wouldn’t be trying to save face regarding the breakup, he’d just be sad about it 4) it isn’t a good enough reason to have her missing, fuck you.

-Thor to Strange: “Who are you and why should I care” lmao same

-Hela being Odin’s daughter is so out of left field. The backstory regarding her helping Odin win the realm even more so. What?? Just what??

-On the other hand, nice to see the fishiness about Odin and Asgard’s treatment of other realms acknowledged as shitty. But they still had Odin’s only scenes being good to his sons...?

-I am conflicted about Hela’s design because on the one hand I am gay and find it sexy but on the other I kind of resent they gave her the Black Skintight Catsuit™ of Sexy Female Characters.

-The W3 didn’t deserve those sudden deaths and Thor didn’t deserve to not find out about them.

-I SO loved Thor and Loki’s interactions. I'VE MISSED THEM SO MUCH

-The mural with the family was nice. I didn’t like how frigga was depicted lower than her husband (and this even though she’s taller...) and looking at him/the ground while the men are looking forward, but it does make sense given Asgard’s sexism (as established in other movies, because apparently now they have an all-women army. Ok then why was Sif being the only female warrior a big deal?? Answer: this movie doesn’t give a shit about continuity)

-So... Odin was ashamed of how he got the realm... but he still made a hugeass mural about it??

-I do like hearing Odin get called out. also Odin manipulated history, who else isn’t surprised?

-Again with the humour being used to reference a tragic past event: Loki’s apparently telling the Sakaar gang (whom he barely knows) about how he let go of the Bifrost. As if it’s a funny anecdote. They all laugh. What.

-Just let Hulk stay there and rot Thor

-Hulk is an asshole, I didn’t need more reasons to hate him but they gave them to me

-They didn’t just made an AOU reference they actually had the gall to show me ooc!nat and fucking brutasha AGAIN EW EW EW WHY FUCK aaand I officially hate Taika Waititi. I am SO glad I didn’t go see this movie in a theatre can you imagine giving more money to be traumatised with the same shit again omg

-Lmao they literally threw in a line in just to give Banner more degrees than Jane, Phd’s actually, so his are more important right? The male ego truly is astounding

-I thought we’d see more of Valkyrie’s backstory and her grudge against Hela, but at least we got something. Also her name wasn’t revealed?? Was it in the credits? She is cool though. I liked that her introduction was not at all dignified (falling off the ship bc she’s drunk? lol. Wasn’t expecting it tbh) but she got her dignity back. I’ve seen it mentioned that her story of “badass warrior leaves after traumatic battle and becomes jaded drunk who pretends not to care about anything but eventually finds it in herself to come back and fight for what’s right” is a story usually reserved for men and it’s great that she got it.

-I feel so defeated that Asgard had to be destroyed.

-The rock alien was quite funny.

-Thor has literally lost his home, his girlfriend, his mother, his father, several of his friends (not that anyone told him) and his fucking eye give this boy a fucking break

-Thank god Thor didn’t end up believing Loki was dead again bc I would’ve gone there and killed him myself tbh

-I think one of my main problems with the film is that I actually enjoyed the adventure, some of the humour and few emotional moments, but it ignored and/or glossed over so much that was important that it’s not as gut-wrenching as its predecessors. To sum up: this movie was a good fic, but not a good enough Thor movie, you get me? Especially given how this is probably the very last Thor movie.

-Even without watching the Infinity Wars trailer it’s obvious Loki’s taken the Tesseract you little shit. I hope Thor knows and is like “take it out let’s see what we do with it hmm?”

-Fuck, I really enjoyed Loki and Thor’s relationship in this movie. On the one hand, the movie robbed them of several emotional moments (Thor finding out Loki’s alive, their reunion, a longer confrontation), but on the other the humour gave them several great scenes of sibling banter and backstory that I loved so much (even if some of it didn’t make sense like the snake anecdote: cute, funny but nonsensical). And despite the movie’s light tone not fitting with the other films’, I... feel like it did kinda fit their relationship here? The film made it work. I still wish we’d gotten more emotional scenes and arguing and angst, but I did like to see that it’s been quite some time since their grievances and that has sort of caused them to cool over a bit, so things are calmer, lighter. And that allows Loki to act less like a “I’m gonna betray you” (which is still there, but he doesn’t play it up so much), and above all allows Thor to say, “look, this has been fucked up for a few years, I don’t think trying to stay together will work”. Which I think is both sincere and reverse psychology. Sincere because Thor has been through a lot of pain and he knows Loki has too, so he doesn’t think he can handle having Loki there but not being able to trust him, and if Loki wants out he’s not gonna force him to stay. And reverse psychology because he’s hoping so bad that he’ll want to stay, that he’ll choose to. Freely. And he knows that the only way he will make a free choice is if he thinks Thor has made his and that it’s to stop pursuing him. I AM EMOTIONAL

-AND LOKI DID COME BACK TO HELP AND THOR FUCKING BELIEVED HE WOULD OKAY

- “IF YOU WERE REALLY HERE I MIGHT HUG YOU” “I’M HERE” GFHXKCJDLKLXKS

-WHAT THE FUCK WHERE IS MY HUG

-AND THEY DID END THE MOVIE TOGETHER SIDE BY SIDE WITH THOR AS KING AND LOKI AS ADVISOR AND GOING TO EARTH AND FACING WHATEVER DANGER IS COMING TOGETHER AND I AM VERY EMOTIONAL OKAY

#thor: ragnarok #thor 3 #thor 3 spoilers #ragnarok negativity #i mean there is positivity too but yeah #about me #and my fangirling life #my post

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plldetectives-blog · 7 years

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My feelings on the PLL Finale

This is the post I promised about all of my feelings about the finale and the show, now that it has come to a close. I don’t have many good things to say about it so I am warning you now before you start reading. If you enjoyed the finale and are the kind of person whose mood (and in turn opinions) can be affected by those of others if they don’t match their own, don’t read on. Unfollow me, because a lot of what I post or reblog from now until I stop using this account will not be positive.

I envy any of you who loved the finale, as I mentioned yesterday, because this show has been really close to my heart, and I wouldn’t want to be the person who ruins those memories for you because I know how easy it is to change your mind about how you feel about something if everyone (or at least the majority) around you doesn’t feel the same way as you. If I were you, I would guard my feelings fiercely (if I were content with the finale) and keep away from all accounts that might make me second guess my views. However, if you are interested and can tolerate diverse views, or if you share the same frustrations as me, you’re welcome to read on!

Starting with the positives, things I liked about the finale:

The music. It really did make it feel like a movie, and I got the feeling that it would be a very special episode (which I was proven wrong about shortly after).

Ali and Emily with their adorable girls. That made me smile.

“I may not be able to see, but I can smell a BITCH from a mile away.” I really don’t need to say more on this except that this has probably become my favourite line of the whole series.

Mona getting her happy ending and winning the game.

SPOBY SCENES! I’m not a crazy shipper (haleb is my favourite) but spoby won my whole heart that episode. The scene where Spencer and Toby are the only ones outside before she asks if she can join him in his room, the exchange that happens and the playing of the scrabble, and the scene where Toby recognises Spencer from Alex were just perfection.

Wine moms. I could have used more of that in the episode.

The way we found out about A.D. Despite not being a fan of the reveal, I thought that was pretty epic and clever.

The flashback of Alex and Charlotte. That was the only part where I got slightly teary-eyed when I found out what the Patsy Cline connection was.

Where it all went wrong (which was, most of it for me):

The time dedicated to the mystery was so little (and no, I don’t count Alex pretending to be Spencer mystery oriented because there was no information given to us at the time) that I felt like Marlene forgot she was writing a FINALE. It didn’t feel like a finale. I never felt on the edge of my seat. I was never scared for Spencer, nor Ezra.

The one year time jump was so useless and done only for the purpose of making emison (fans of a RELATIONSHIP, not mystery which the show has been built on) fans happy by getting them to see their babies. What was the point of the time jump for the mystery? You’re telling me A.D. took a year off, chilled, saw Ezria were to be married a year later, and decided it was time to take Spencer’s life? Why didn’t Alex do that before? It doesn’t make sense. Again, an utterly stupid decision to flash-forward a year.

The British accent. I got really annoyed by it because I didn’t find it believable at all. Some might say it is just because we weren’t used to hearing Troian speak that way but that’s not the case. We saw Archer drop his phony American accent in 6x20 but that helped form his character because it not only worked, but because Huw is British it was done well too. I understand the reasoning behind wanting Alex to sound Essex-like (how Troian described it) but I couldn’t stop ignoring the accent, and couldn’t try to understand Alex beyond it. The_pll_sherlock on Instagram explains it perfectly here: “Whenever either one of us expresses our disdain for Alex’s accent, we get dozens of comments educating us on class. So here’s a clearer explanation of what we’re saying. By a Londoner: No one’s suggesting that Troian should have adopted a more upper-middle accent! 😂 Julian’s accent IRL is hardly “posh” & wouldve been perfect for Alex. I can’t imagine that anyone actually from London would call what we heard true Cockney. As for Essex…two things. Essex isn’t actually in London & it’s not ‘working class’ as many have suggested. But all of this is irrelevant because the reason why we point it out is - as we’ve both said multiple times - that IT WAS DISTRACTING 😩. It felt cartoonish. I found it a little upsetting as I was jolted out of the story every time she spoke.” My point is, Marlene shouldn’t have chosen Alex to be British. Andrea managed to play Mary flawlessly without changing her accent. She used her aesthetic, facial expressions and body language to make us believe in Mary. If the same choice was made for Alex, I may have believed in her.

This links in with my previous point but just the way Alex Drake was developed and played. I kid you not when A.D. was revealed, for most of the finale I was expecting her to take her mask off. We didn’t get enough backstory and not nearly enough flashbacks. We were promised a heart-breaking story but they failed to deliver it. Yes, it is horrible that Mary sold her and she lived on the streets and grew up without a family BUT we didn’t really see Alex feeling remorse over it. She found everything she did humorous, like someone with too much time and money on their hands. She didn’t show emotion, and that’s why I struggled to believe she was a real person. They didn’t humanise her. Why weren’t we shown a flashback of Alex visiting Charlotte’s grave? Why weren’t we shown the harsh details of the difficult life she lived? Why weren’t we shown flashbacks of her with Wren, Archer and Charlotte?

I’ve mentioned this before here that in my opinion, Troian was the wrong choice to play the ultimate villain on the show. I love her to death but I could not picture her pulling this off successfully. To play a villain well, you have to make the audience somewhat fear your character, or fear for the character in danger because of them, which didn’t happen for me. I found Alex to be comical rather than a villain I could take seriously. There are many other cast members who in my opinion were a much better fit to play a villain. I’m talking about Sasha, Janel, Torrey, Tammin, Vanessa and Ian. First 5 actors in particular, are probably the best out of the entire cast.

There were not nearly enough clues pointing to Alex. Marlene kept on saying 7B has tonnes of clues. WHAT CLUES?? I found nothing aside from the Wren and Toby scene that pointed towards Spencer having a twin. Even those scenes only make Spencer shady. The_pll_sherlock again, explains my point well: “When you say “I knew it” or when Marlene talks about leaving eggshells, all I think is “well, yes, everyone SAW the strangeness of Spencer.” But those weren’t real clues. There was absolutely nothing pointing to the ENGLISHNESS of a twin (other than Troian’s interview with the bros, but no one thought that then lol) or to other aspects of her story. And that’s why Twincer made no sense. We all saw the physical signs Troian was giving us, but they seemed (and SEEM) random & irrelevant to the plot. It’s probably also why a lot of Twincer supporters aren’t happy, despite being right. You were sure it would be her (even though you could never have guessed the “why”….which was just handed to you). I had a similar problem with the CeCe reveal. But at least in her case, we could see clues in previous seasons. There are clues pointing to Spencer having a twin, yes. #shadowhastings. But Marlene didn’t try to weave them in; there’s nothing referring to Alex until season 7. Remember Mona? Clues pointed to the 'who’ AND the 'why’”. There were probably more clues for people who weren’t A.D. than for Alex herself.

Inconsistencies were also a huge issue for me, as were character choices in the finale. Alex’s motive was to find and punish Charlotte’s killer yet instead of doing that she recruits Mona to help her in her final game against her sister who has NOTHING to do with Charlotte’s death. You expect me to believe that Alex, who has probably grown up without the privileges of most people, would use the carissimi money, not to build herself a better life but to buy supplies (for spying, the board game) for torturing the girls?? Black hoodies. We see Alex throwing them away and then buying new uniforms, saying she hides in plain sight yet we see her wearing the hoody numerous times in season 7. How does that make any sense?

Mary Drake. Why didn’t she tell Spencer she had a twin? Why was she working for her if she cared so much for Spencer? Why was she at the blind school when Alex shot Spencer? Her character makes no sense to me anymore.

Interviews

This was the thing that let me down the most - lies and building false expectations of fans. Setting aside Marlene comments (because we know by this point she lies as much as she breathes), Keegan lied in SO many interviews claiming, the reveal makes the show “rewatable”, it “ties a lot of plot points” and “it’s so clearly in every episode.” Lucy said it’s “the real A”, Janel said clues are “sprinkled throughout the series”, Ashley said this person has been behind “all of this” and “for the last 7 years.” Not a single of those statements is true, or close to it. Why would you say that, I want to ask these people. You literally told us to expect this explosive reveal that’ll tie all 7 seasons AND clues will go all the way back, and now knowing that they don’t no wonder so many of us are deeply hurt by it. All that time theorising, rewatching the whole series the way I did, I’ll never get back the time that I wasted. Even when I go back to rewatch the show (I don’t even know when that’ll happen), I’ll never be able to watch an episode the same way again. Plot holes will remain just that, and I will forever dwell on the missed opportunities in the plot lines that would have made the show end amazingly.

Marlene didn’t write this finale for us that began watching this show to find out what happened to Alison, she wrote it for those who have been cheering on the problematic Ezria romance ever since their famous kiss in the bathroom. She wrote it for those who wanted Emison together despite the fact that Alison is not a good person. The saddest thing of all is, Marlene and her team of writers forgot about the people who made this show what it became, and she forgot what Pretty Little liars was really about - a mystery.

#pll #pretty little liars #pllendgame #pllgameover #pll finale #alex drake #marlene king

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itinerantscribe-blog · 5 years

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Day 5 of 56

So, first weekend of latest foray into abstinence upon me. 5 days in, usual suspects, I mean symptoms in evidence. Wait, wait, they aren’t symptoms at all, they are not even by products, they are the beneficial effects of expunging alcohol! They are welcome. Once again I find myself up by 5 am, witnessing the wondrous birth of a new day over and over again. The euphonic choral accompaniment to to the onset of a new dawn of potential, of energy, of peace, received so differently according to which period is in ascendancy, tea totality or its opposite. In these phases of liberation, I embrace this chorus with good cheer and a ready welcome, my winged friends and I sharing those early moments in concert and harmony. When the contrary phases achieve dominion, the mellifluous song morphs into an unbearable cacophony, cleaving my soul and shattering my slumber forcing me to wake to to endure yet another cursed aftermath of the morning after the night before. What an extreme contrast between which I oscillate. The blackbird, the robin, the chaffinch and warbler too, just a few of my early morning companions who bless or haunt me with their inevitable vocal presence and my inevitable one of two states. Extremes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6_LYIdYxz4

Absence of alcohol, all of it, it just entirely re-defines and re-shapes in such an indescribably beneficial manner my outlook, my sentiment, my sense of well being, my health, my everything. Why oh why do I not remain on this path in perpetuity? Why do I re-visit the very thing that with the flick of a finger re-edits all of the above? Why oh why for the sake of a few hours of indulgence in some coloured, sugar infused liquid, do I sacrifice the unsullied delight in the simplest of things like a bird’s song? Is it worth it? After nearly 6 decades on the planet you think I’d know the answer.

The young lady I am assisting, she has made her first 5 days alcohol free for longer than she will admit. We both know it’s longer than she has pretended it to be. I am not her father, not her mentor, not her guide nor her conscience. But I am proud that she has managed to achieve a milestone. I thought she would falter last night. She had warned me the night before that she believed she would stumble barely out of the blocks. She was almost apologising in advance of the transgression. It was a meeting you see, a large gathering which was hers to conduct and oversee. To speak even, to a large audience, a frighteningly large audience. Public speaking. Standing there as a throng of anonymous faces direct their unbroken gaze on you, piercing, probing, collective eyes boring into your soul and penetrating your essence. Oh my. I didn’t know she would be speaking. I had sent her a text early morning however, just to fortify her resolve. In the text exchange that follows, I shall refer to her simply as her. As always, no clues as to her identity are contained within that which ensues and if appropriate, I have excised anything that would compromise her. I have told her I think she too should blog, illuminate her situation, declare to the world proudly and boldly. She won’t do that. Yet. She thinks such a path would make it too real. Think about that. She thinks it would make it too real....

So, just to repeat the context. She had advised me on day 3 that she would be hosting a large event on day 4 late afternoon and that she had little faith in the likelihood of surviving sober something that is not an infrequent activity within her working remit but which to date has been underpinned with excessive ingestion of booze. Hard booze. My first text went out 8.21 am yesterday.

me: Are you going to have to have a drink every time you have an event like today? For the rest of your life? Four weeks time sober you could have an event like this everyday without a second thought. Don’t sacrifice all the benefit you are engineering for yourself for the sake of one meeting. Don’t go if there is even MINIMAL risk.

I received no response and just got on with my day, bearing in mind I have my own position to consider and cultivate. Understand please do, lest you level accusations of hypocrisy my way, that it was and is in my interests also that she doesn’t fall. I will not drink while she doesn’t, of this I am certain. At 10.35 I tried again.

me: So? How’s the day looking for you?

her 10.48: I don’t feel well. Am in (city). Dressing the part. Acting the part. All while eyeing up the cast and extras with deep suspicion. Everything feels wrong.

(Gotta admire her euphemistic use of language. I wish I could feign ownership of that metaphor, but alas, all her work)

me 10.50: Don’t catastrophize. Look for evidence that everything is wrong. You won’t find any. Don’t let your mind betray you.

me 11.55: Don’t look for excuses TO drink.

Then our exchange ceased. I returned to my quotidian activity, thinking before expelling further consideration to the subject that she would not survive. It wasn’t until 7.07 pm that the crisis erupted and texts assumed complexion of ferocious ping pong exchanges.

her 19.07: I think one is ok.

her 19.08: We can agree that one. (She’s seeking a collective alliance, share the liability, dilute individual responsibility. She’s seeking endorsement)

me 19.08: No we can’t.

me 19.08: We have already agreed something else.

her 19.08: Please.

her 19.08: Just one.

her 19.09: Say yes.

me 19.09: I can’t stop you. You can stop you. You haven’t even given it a chance. If not now, when? There is no when. There is only now.

By now I am thinking she has already had one, by now I am trying to call her but the phone moves straight to voicemail. By now I believe she doesn’t want me to talk to her, she doesn’t want me to try talking her out of a step that would bring to a highly premature conclusion this enterprise. Finally, she answers the phone. I have no idea at this point that she has already completed the most arduous element of the event, the public speaking element. But indeed she has completed it. She had completed it unaided by chemical or pharmaceutical or alcoholic participation. The conversation was protracted, she told me how the hall was awash with available alcohol. I had to remind her England, and the rest of the western world and much of that beyond is awash with alcohol, there is always temptation, accessibility. The call ended. She told me normally at these things she would drink until the early hours, leave only when she would otherwise be the only one left. I was sure she would succumb, it was only 4 days into her own odyssey, she had exposed herself too soon, she had placed too much pressure on her fragile shoulders. She shouldn’t have gone....

her 22.07: Done. Heading home.

me 22.08: Drink free?

her 22.09: 100%

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxAKFlpdcfc

me 22.11:Truly well done. You haven’t sacrificed tomorrow for a couple of hours tonight. Thought you’d crack today.

her 22.12: So did I, with your help (that was nice of her, no need, I’m doing it for me as much as her) and a colleague at the event steering me away from the bar anytime I got near, it was a success. Don’t feel great for it yet but hoping I will.

me 22.12: You absolutely will.

I mean really, how great is that? How well do that girl do? Outfuckingstanding. So, so impressed with her resolve, especially given the additional ingredient of what would be a nerve challenging ordeal of public speaking for anyone!

me 07.53 this morning: How do you feel gliding soberly into a weekend free of roughness probably for first time in years?

her 08.12: Odd, I woke waiting for the usual to hit me and then remembered, I’m fine (how lovely is that feeling!!!). For the first time in forever I don’t feel like a failure, I don’t feel pathetic, I don’t feel useless. There is hope. I am ok! Feel a bit embarrassed about the evident desperation which must have been observed last night (who cares? she succeeded, who cares what anyone else thinks?) but I think I might be able to actually do this. (she had better not split an infinitive again lol)

me 08.15: Careful with what you think! Positive is good but gentle! That breeds complacency. Day by day. Aren’t you pleased you didn’t drink yesterday? You wait til you pass weekend.

me 08.17: Carry a Mars bar with you at all times (she doesn’t know I am a major shareholder in Mars Ltd, ssshhhh). That pack that comes in two small ones. it’s your emergency measure!

her 08.17: Extremely pleased. I’ll go to the shop in a bit.

End of transmission.

How good is that? I am so, so pleased for her. I admire her strength. But eh, wait a minute. Why can’t anyone talk to me like I spoke to her? Why can’t I talk to me like that?? How come then, that given my quarter of a century seniority on her, I have not yet conquered this in entirety? Are we back to choice? Is it because I had no-one with similar exposure talking to me when I was her age? Well, I have some thoughts on that, well of course I do! But I think for now, this blog will take refuge in weekend respite.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qy9_lfjQopU

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anodyne-sunflower · 7 years

Text

Love me like you do (Part 7)-Balem series

A/N: Okayyyyyyy! Here we go. This is more of a filler chapter, an unfortunate casualty when making multipart fics. Lol But, I hope it’s still satisfying enough.

***

An orange glow slid along your face, making you scrunch your eyes and groan in annoyance. You were still half asleep, and as far as you were concerned, you were back on earth, lying in your modest bed and snuggled into your blankets. A warmth was next to you, a very comforting heat that you wanted to be apart of, and as you drifted softly into sleep again, your hands touched a smooth surface.

“Mmm…”

You blinked in confusion, running your fingers along it until you focused your vision. As soon as your eyes adjusted, they widened, and you squeaked, scrambling back into the bedsheets. It seems you hadn’t fallen asleep in your bed. This was a large, more than king size mattress, where no matter how far you shifted away, you were just falling into more pillows.

“What-”

You whispered out, trying not to wake Balem, as he slept next to you. You felt as if your entire body was going to give out, as if fainting was the next logical step because the last thing you wanted was to have him wake up and find you there with him. You hardly remember last night, but as sleep slowly drifted from your mind things were becoming more clear.

You remember him trying to seduce you into his bath, and you certainly didn’t forget how well it was working. It was almost too easy to give in and dive in, but you thanked whatever gods allowed you to say no. He, oddly enough, didn’t seemed phased by your denial, like he was already expecting you to run off in a fit of embarrassment. That’s when you must’ve slept, you thought. Because, you don’t remember even coming into bed. Thankfully, you were still clothed in your robe, so nothing had transpired between the two of you.

As a soft groan came from next to you, you glanced back up, watching the man as he turned on his back, eyes still closed as the sheets slipped down to his waist.

“Holy shit…”

It was odd being this close to him, and as much as you wanted to stare at his well built body, you felt wrong. With a turn of your head you focused on the wall, gnawing at your lip and tying to figure out what to do. It was painful to be cooped up in this room, but somehow being near him felt safer than out there. Last thing you needed was to run into another one of those lizard beings just waiting to bite your head off.

The sound of rustling made you panic, and you quickly sank back into the sheets, covering yourself as much as you could as you felt the bed begin to dip. From the shadow along the wall you noticed Balem has gotten up, sitting against his pillows as he ran a hand through his hair. Every nerve in your body was set to react, and you only hoped he assumed you were sleeping.

A deep guttural sigh came from him, and he began to lean over, his arm coming into your view, and for a second you truly believed he was about to cuddle you. Instead, he hovered over you, tapping the tablet on the nightstand as he spoke.

“Mr. Night.”

The tablet beeped, a screen appearing above it as Mr. Night’s face came into view. You shut your eyes again, not wanting him to alert his lord that you were actually awake. But, what a sight this must be, you thought. Balem hovering over you, half naked and you tangled in his sheets like nothing but sin took place in this room. The universe was certainly against you as of late.

“Lord Balem, I bid you a good-”

“I did not ask for your pleasantries, Mr. Night. Have my ship prepared for Departure immediately. I’ve business to attend to.”

“Yes, my lord. Where shall I have them set course to?”

“Zalintyre.”

“As you wish, my lord.”

The conversation between the two was brief, and you let out a breath of relief when he moved away from you.

“Do you believe me to be foolish?”

His words caused a chill to run up your spine, and you slowly looked over your shoulder to see him already staring at you. His gaze was annoyed, lips set into a deep scowl as he considered you with interest. You supposed now, that it was probably the worse idea to pretend to be asleep. It never worked on your parents, so why would it with some extraterrestrial being.

“I-”

He scoffed at you, resting his arm on his knee as he rubbed at his tired eyes. He was propped up against the pillows, clearly trying to prepare his mind for whatever business he had today. But, all you could do was lay there, staring at him as if he still wasn’t real and this was some crazy dream of yours.

“Alright…I’m…sorry…”

Balem turned his gaze towards you once more, furrowing his brows in confusion at your apology. He clearly had no clue what you were referring to, and every second that ticked by only made him more frustrated.

“You are wearing my patience, little-”

“I meant for sleeping on your bed, I don’t even remember falling asleep to begin with.”

Your memory was still fuzzy, and you only guessed the entire whirlwind of a day you experienced yesterday was the cause of it. Your dreams were no better, nightmares plagued your thoughts, and you were more than tired from a lack of good rest.

Balem, at least as much as he could be, appeared amused at your words. And as you slowly began to sit up, he just shrugged his shoulder, clearly not as concerned about last night’s events as you were.

“I brought you to bed with me, little bird.”

His confession made you flustered, and you stared a bit taken back, as he said it so nonchalantly. He seemed to catch on to your confused look, and he rolled his eyes as he looked you over.

“You fell asleep.”

He pointed towards the lounging chairs near his dresser, and you started to remember vague details about curling into the corner of the large black lounger. It must’ve been sometime after he got in the bath, but you were sure of it now. The feeing of a stranger’s arms wrapping around you, your body snug against a strong chest that smelled like vanilla and spice. It was comforting in a way, and now that it was all coming back to you, your face flushed.

“You carried me?”

He didn’t seem the type, in fact, in your mind you thought if you had given in to his seduction he would’ve thrown you out of his room in a heartbeat after. Yet, here he was making sure your personal comfort was tended to.

Balem’s eyes traveled the entirety of your body, fixating on the exposed skin of your shoulder where your collarbone dipped perfectly. He wondered what you tasted like, wondered what sounds you’d make if he just got the chance to kiss along that smooth flesh and make you his. And as you distracted yourself with the thought of him catering to you, he leaned over, crawling on top of you and making you sink back into the sheets of his bed.

“Would you prefer I leave you to sleep like some commoner?”

You were too busy trying to control your labored breathing you didn’t answer him, you just closed your eyes and hoped he’d stop his current assault on your every sense. But, Balem only furthered his seduction, smirking as he brushed his lips across your cheek, making you let out a long sigh that pleased him to no end.

“Would you care to know what you said in your sleep?”

There was no doubt you had said something completely unwarranted last night. Something that had managed to keep him endlessly amused until he could mention it to you the next morning. You were already a complete mess under him, and you didn’t feel knowing was necessary, so you simply shook your head.

His chuckle made you shiver, and you could feel his breath ghost along your flesh, making goosebumps rise. He placed his lips next to your ear, whispering out his knowledge.

“My name, little bird.”

His fingertips slid along your cheek, eyes darkening as they had the night before. You already knew what he was thinking, and it made you hold your breath in anticipation. The sad part was, you wanted him to do it, to lean down and kiss you. Your lips tingled, as if they too were ready and willing for this man to just have you in every way. And as he slowly dipped forward, you felt your heart race, blood pounding in your ears, and mind screaming for you to stop him, yet…you weren’t sure you could.

Your lips parted, body reacting on its own accord, and you were just waiting for him to slip his tongue in and make you admit how badly you needed this despite what your moral compass said. But, all that came was a soft brush of his lips on yours, making you whimper pathetically.

“My Lord.”

The doors to his chambers opened, and Balem turned to look back at the two serving girls entering his room completely unannounced. You noticed the way his eyebrow twitched, his anger levels rising at having been disturbed in the most intimate of times. But, you didn’t care to ease his rage right now. You realized how compromising this position appeared, and as the two girls looked at you both you shrugged the edge of your robe back up, blushing madly as you sank further into the sheets in shame.

Balem was settled between your spread legs, one hand upon your thigh, and his other resting next to your tousled hair. The sheets covering both of your most intimate areas didn’t leave much to the imagination, and you could only guess what these two women were thinking.

“My Lord we-”

The First Primary was seething by now, his rage directed at these two poor souls who would dare interrupt him now of all times. And you couldn’t stop yourself from flinching as his tone rose, scaring the two as they fell to their knees and bowed before him.

“I should have your heads for this!”

“We’re sorry, Lord Balem…we just brought the-”

If there was one thing that managed to unnerve you it was his loud, booming, voice that threatened to kill anyone who got in his way. Even for the smallest of things, and in attempt to ease the suffering on your ears and the girls, you ran your fingers along his forearm, trying to distract him from their monumental screw up.

At the feeling of your soft fingertips against his muscles he turned back to you, squinting down at your face as he tried to figure out what you were doing. Either way, he seemed to lose complete interest in decapitating the two women, and he whispered back in contempt.

“Enter my chambers unannounced again, and I will hold you both accountable.”

“Y-Yes, my Lord.”

At their shaky apologies, he scoffed, looking down at you and making a promise before he got off the bed to get dressed.

“We’ll continue this later.”

Both serving girls dressed him quickly, and you could tell the younger one was visibly trembling before him. She seemed much like you in that moment, both entranced and scared of this enigma of a man.

“As requested, Lord Balem. We’ve brought the dresses you ordered.”

The older one from the night before held them out to him, the entire wardrobe of dresses cascading in numerous colors down her arms as she awaited his approval. Balem seemed decently pleased with them, and he shuffled through the pile as he nodded.

“They’ll do. Dress her, and make sure she’s acquainted with her duties.”

He didn’t bother looking back at you, he grabbed his rings from the glass bowl on his dresser, and placed them back on his fingers as the doors to his chambers opened. He walked out, cape flowing behind, and all you heard was him somewhat greeting Mr. Night.

As soon as the doors shut, the older woman turned to the younger, smiling and rubbing her shoulder in comfort. “Go, I will take care of this.” The young serving girl hugged her in thanks, and immediately left to perform other duties.

“It’s nice to see you again.”

She smiled at you, walking over to the bed and giggling when she found you hiding underneath the covers in embarrassment.

“Come now. Did I not tell you yesterday that he always gets his way? Lord Balem is a man who’s very good at getting what he wants.”

“We didn’t do anything!”

You slid from underneath the blankets, blushing softly as you moved some strands of your hair away. She didn’t seem convinced by your statement, and she only smiled smugly as she laid the dresses down on the bed.

“Don’t be so modest. You’re not the first to share his bed, miss.”

“Yeah yeah, you told me that already.”

You really just wanted this conversation to end, but as she sifted through the dresses you knew she’d be here for a while.

“So nothing happened?”

She raised her well done eyebrow at you, picking out a gold satin dress from the pile and holding it up as she eyed you carefully.

“No.”

“That mark on your neck would say otherwise.”

Her cheeky comment made you slap your hand over it, and you scowled in annoyance at yourself and at Balem. He no doubt did that on purpose, and you had completely forgotten it even existed. Trying to weasel your way out of this wasn’t going to be easy.

“He…tried to…”

“Did you spurn his advances?!”

She failed at stifling her laugh, putting the dress down and cupping your chin as she observed your features. She pushed some hair behind your ear, angling your face as she nodded to herself.

“Well, yes but-”

“No wonder he’s in such a mood today. More than usual. Though I suppose our interruption didn’t help much.”

“No, no…” You tried to swat her hand away, but she kept at it anyway. “Your interruption was welcomed.”

“Mmm.” She smiled, pulling you up off the bed and towards the bath. It didn’t take much for her to undress you and start scrubbing at your skin. It was far too awkward and even more degrading than you anticipated, but she hardly seemed phased by it. “Afraid you might like it?”

You looked up at her, grateful when she finished washing your hair and helped you from the bath. You slipped back into the robe, scowling when she started waving that quick changer technology around you. Only this time it aided in curling your hair and instantly drying it.

“No, of course not…”

But, there was maybe some truth to her statement, not that you’d admit it out loud to her. “What’s your name anyway? I’m sorry I didn’t catch it before.”

She waved the pole around you, the gold dress now clinging beautifully to your curves and sleeves dipping off your shoulders. If possible, this dress was even prettier than the one before. But, you still felt far too overdressed.

“It’s Nevaeh, yours?”

“Y/N.”

“Then it’s a pleasure to officially meet you, Y/N.”

Nevaeh gave a slight bow, taking your hand and curling her arm around yours as she led you out the doors, eager to show you your new role here.

****

A/N: As always, if y'all can provide feedback HMU 👏🏻

#balem #balem abrasax x reader #balem x reader #balem abrasax #jupiter ascending

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idealisticrealism · 7 years

Text

Blindspot recap 2x18

(Aka the one where Roman gets to go on another excursion, Weitz wants to date literally the entire team except for maybe Patterson bc he’s intimidated by her brains, Reade is Touched By An Angel, and Nas falls on her sword for reasons which will probably never become entirely clear to anyone)

Okay, yes, I am the world’s worst procrastinator, and so am only just managing to get this posted now despite the three-week break. Tbh I intended to do it a couple of days ago, but then ended up getting distracted doing some writing of a different kind (stay tuned for that one very shortly!) and as such ended up with very little time for this-- hence why it’s a little shorter and kinda all over the place lol. But anyhow, if you were wanting a refresher on last ep before the new one tonight, you’ve come to the right place haha.

Enjoy.

Okay I'm confused by this very large number of phenotypically-diverse children in one house. Also this blonde lady looks suspicious. Oh no and now the shouting girl is dead... after jumping from the second floor onto dirt? It would be unusual to die from that kind of injury, especially as a young person with strong bones, though it‘s certainly within the realm of possibility, depending on the type of impact. Also it's times like this that I'm reminded that both this show and I are kinda grim haha

Naaawwwww look at the Mayhem Twins in their little domestic bubble. Jane's so excited about her new 'bring your little bro to work' sitch and Roman is all *grumble grumble emo teen* about it, which lbr is pretty fair, but like Jane says, ‘freedom is something you have to earn’. Just bc you can't remember all the bad things you've done, doesn't mean everyone else can just forget it too, buddy! And considering you were literally the enemy not too long ago, it’s actually pretty impressive how much the team has let you in and treated you kindly. If anything demonstrates that the team (*cough* especially Weller *cough*) truly loves Jane, this is it. So be nice to your sister, bucko, because she's the reason that you actually have a chance at living a normal life for literally the first time ever. Sigh, my poor little battered babies. Why must you suffer so much and be hugged so little. Also well done makeup team on remembering to keep Jane's face bruised haha

Lol I love this scene, bc now without Reade, the team consists of poor beleaguered Weller and four badass (and currently rather displeased) ladies. The varied responses to Weitz’s inquisition are hilarious though-- Patterson is all (ง'̀-'́)ง , Zapata is all eye-rolls and being so done with this shit, Nas is already planning and scheming and looking at it from all angles, and Jane is there solely to support Weller and get his support in return, bc MARRIEEEEDDDD. And ugh Weller is such a good leader and reassures them all and then ugh he and Zapata having that little moment of worry over Reade and ugh my babiessss

Speaking of Reade, he’s apparently busted both his face and his phone lol. He's also in a very weird hospital room; like this is a huge space for only two beds. I wonder who found him though? Also given his recent expensive habits, can he even afford the price of medical care?? If he was here in Aus, it'd be free, but in the States??? Good luck, bro...

Naww the team is soldiering on, with Patterson telling them about a new tattoo to check out-- a tattoo with numbers somehow linked to the girl that died. As usual, Patterson's explanation of just how that happened went in one ear and right out the other, for both me and the team, it seems. Oops. But ugh poor Jane looks a little bit sick at the thought of the girl's death being linked with her tattoos-- it must be so hard sometimes, to be covered in (what is sometimes the equivalent to) people's death sentences? Seriously Weller needs to hurry up and kiss all of those tattoos and remind her that in carrying them, she helps the team save people. Ugh, that woman just really needs a good long hug.

Oh and look who it is, the ADA that everybody loves to hate. Gotta say, I still kinda ship him with Zapata a little bit. Like, in a 'hate each other so much they occasionally meet up and have angry sex' kinda way. But then again I kinda ship her with Roman, but then kinda also don't at the same time... Idk, imagining her and Roman kissing would be a little weird. Like he's just such a lil puppy and she's all wildcat. But aaaaanyway, ooooohhhh I love Weller's teeny tiny eye-twitch when Weitz mentions Jane. It's like turning his Protective Hubby mode onto vibrate-- none of the big loud shouty anger, just a subtle 'come near her and I will end you' vibe that radiates through him lol. I dig it. Apparently Weitz has no sense of self-preservation though, so not only threatens them all with suspension, but also steps directly in Weller's way, AND refers to Patterson as a lab rat. Oh boy. I'm so proud of our Weller though, clearly he's been working on his anger management haha. Plus, he totally just won that round and Weitz knows it.

Dude they totally wouldn't be letting bystanders that close if the body was still right there. But whatevs. Also I like Weller's boots. And now oooh all the kids and the foster mom have disappeared, whatever could have happened....

Ughhh I love that Weller, Nas and Jane are all blatantly watching Patterson being interviewed, and Weller's all casual about it like 'yeah she's tough she's got this', but you just KNOW that if Patterson looked to be in any distress at all, Weller would be storming through those doors in a fury, with Nas following behind ready to provide some kind of excuse, whereas Jane would have slipped quietly away and set off the fire alarm or something before shimmying through the vents and dropping down into the room behind Weitz's guys, basically forming a pincer-maneuver with Weller, ready to kick the crap out of anyone that dares upset their lil Patterson. Of course Zapata would be flying in there right beside Weller (except when he would put himself in front of Patterson, she'd just launch straight at Weitz lol) but she's not present in the equation rn. Oh but here she is now, actually, with a lead-- she's found streetcam footage of the teenage boy from the foster-house. If they can find him, maybe they can solve the whole mystery and save the other kids.

Ughhhhh speaking of Patterson and Weitz, he's grilling her about Borden, and ugh my baby is being so tough and not taking any of his shit and for once I feel kinda grateful for that slimy weasel Fisher bc at least he gave her good practice for dealing with scumbags like this? Ugh I know my baby had somewhat of a breakdown in last ep (I wonder if she's cleaned her apartment up at all after that) but she really seems kinda... battle-hardened... now. Which makes me sad, but at the same time, we know that Jane has been through a whole ton of awful crap and she's still a little cinnamon roll despite it, so I have high hopes for Patterson to do the same. Especially with Jane there to help mentor her through it.

Oooh the Power Trio (by which I mean Jeller and their sidekick, Nas) are in Weller's office, and lbr this is very much a scene about a married couple having a debate, with Nas hanging in the background trying to be unobtrusive haha. I love that Jane was just reminding Roman this morning that these things take time-- but the first chance she gets she goes to hubby and is like 'let's put him on the team' haha. And lbr here, Weller puts up a half-assed argument purely for appearances’ sake. We know he's going to allow it, bc he's whipped a caring and supportive hubby and he wants the woman he loves to be happy. And also he wants Roman to be redeemed, bc if there's hope for Roman then there's hope for them all. He makes an excellent point that today is literally THE WORST day to be thinking about doing this-- literally a single thing goes wrong out there, even something that's not at all Roman's fault, and Weitz is going to be all over their asses. The dude's just waiting for an excuse, and letting a 'known terrorist' (sorry puppy, you know I don't mean that) out on a case is bound to be exactly the kind of thing he's after. But who cares, those are all far too sensible and logical things to be worrying about. Nas, surprisingly, has done a 180 from her shared opinion with Dr Sun that Roman is a monster, and encourages Weller to let him out in the field. Is she deliberately doing that to try to get them to play right into Weitz's hands, or is she just doing it bc she knows Weller's going to give in anyway and so she adds her support, letting Weller pretend he's been 'out-voted' (despite him being the highest-ranking person in the room) rather than actually just being the big marshmallow that he is? And ugghh he finally says yes and Jane is trying really hard to look mature about it and not beam at him and he's trying really hard not to seem pleased about making her happy and ugh these two giant dorks are gonna be the death of meeeee

Dude you're really not gonna use your work insurance? I suppose maybe you can't, since you quit like yesterday, you big dumb idiot. And then ugh the other guy asks him about his PTSD, and it's very convenient that the sole other occupant in the room is someone that can give Reade some real insight into his situation and help him get on the right path. If this was a daytime movie, we'd find out at the end that this guy was actually an angel the whole time, placed there to help him find his way. But it's Blindspot, so more likely he's a Sandstorm plant or something lol, since they seem to be literally everywhere haha. Also Reade denies being a veteran, and is he just trying to cut off the conversation, or is that answer honestly a no? I feel like my understanding of his character was that he WAS in the army before the FBI. But hey, maybe I just made that up.

Naawww Roman is like 'wait I'm coming out on a case that's not directly related to me?? Really??' and Jane is all 'yep now let's go out there and show them how great you are' and he snarks back about getting tossed back in a cage if he doesn't, and I love that there's a hint of reproach in her tone when she tells him that it's important, and a big opportunity-- like okay bro I know you’ve had a tough time but everyone is trying super hard to be inclusive and give you a fair shot so maybe ease up on the attitude mmmkay?? I love that Jane is Roman's biggest advocate when talking to others, but when he starts to get a bit whiny she (gently but firmly) puts him back in his place. Man, she’s such a big sister. Also dude they're gonna have to be even more careful with what they say about Sandstorm etc now, considering that Roman's detail is in the lab with them? Though I suppose all Patterson's lil lab techs are usually hovering around all the time, so maybe these are all high-clearance people. Rn Patterson's concerned about Weitz twisting everything they say, worried that telling the truth may not be enough to protect them. But Weller is all 'truth or nothing, we die with honor*' (*paraphrasing lol) and ugh I'm so proud of him for being such a good, incorruptible man. And so now they have another lead-- the teen's music teacher lives near where he was seen on the cam, so maybe he's gone there for help. Weller wants to check it out, but Patterson's already got plans at the morgue (that's where I'd go too tbh, autopsies are fascinating) and Zapata's got a date with Weitz, so that doesn't leave many other options. Jane's quick to suggest Roman, ratcheting the tension level up to about 300 before Weller is all like 'screw it, alright come on but just don't mess up okay bc wifey will be really upset if something bad happens' and Roman is all 'yes sir I would never intentionally make my sister unhappy sir' while Jane practically skips out of the room behind them haha

Weitz is asking Zapata about Reade-- ooh is someone worried about competition, Weitz?? Don't worry, she and Reade are just friends. And you are dirt on the sole of her shoe. But hey, maybe that's one of your kinks or something. Anyway oooh it comes up that Nas gave the order to enter the Sandstorm compound and that Weller wasn't there. The writing in the scene is clever and focuses on the Weller side of things, but it's also a setup to Nas getting blamed... wonder if they'll pounce on her later?

So it's snowy again, which means weather-wise, we should be approaching somewhere close to a full year since Jane was found in Times Square. Though since my theory is that she was found in January, I'm going to assume we're maybe around November now. Anyway I love that Weller allows Jane and Roman to head around back while he takes the front-- so much trust in Jane ugh (and some in Roman too, obviously). And he said Roman's detail would have to come out with them, but I don't see them anywhere... maybe scoping the perimeter? Round back they find Eli playing on a little pitch-pipe (it kinda looks like little plug-adaptors for TV aerials-- did he make it himself?) and ugh Weller reassures him and is doing his whole fatherly thing and ughhhh I love it (almost as much as Jane does hehe)

Meanwhile Patterson just found out that their girl's body has been basically snatched from the morgue, which is unfortunate. Clearly there was something about her body that could give the bad guys away??

I think Nas is trying to psychoanalyze Roman. But he's doing a better job of it himself tbh, and indirectly admits that he's scared of himself. Ugh, my puppy. Let me hug you. In the interview room, the Jeller dream team are talking to the kid, with Weller looming over him a little as the stern dad-figure and Jane sitting at his level, being the sensitive, understanding mom figure and ughhhhh I am having premonitions of them talking to their own teen after they go out drinking or stay out past curfew or something and ughhh I better not fall down this rabbit hole rn bc it'll be hours before I pull myself out of it, so let's focus on the present instead okay. Patterson has no leads on the body-snatchers, the music teacher has been out of town and has no idea about anything, and so all their hopes rest on getting Eli to open up. Roman suggests giving him back the pitch-pipe, recognising it as a sentimental item, much like the coin he and Jane shared. And ugh Weller approves and Jane is so proud and ooh Zapata just came into the lab and looked at Roman with a guarded expression and ugh stop making me ship it okay?? Anyways Jane's up next to talk to Weitz, and man does she look eager about the prospect lol

Aaaaaahhhh Weitz's first question is whether she's been in a romantic relationship with Weller (dude do you have a crush on Jane as well as Zapata?? Fair enough, I understand) and ugh I love that she doesn't go straight for a 'no', she instead questions its relevance to the investigation. And yaaaaasss I love that it's only after Weitz pretty much implies that she slept her way onto the team that she denies the romantic relationship. Because after all, it's kinda true; they definitely have (or as she thinks in his case, HAD) romantic feelings for each other, and they have had romantic interactions, but they have never been in a literal boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, therefore her answer is not a lie. (Though I hope one day it will be hehe). And then he attacks her about zipping Roman, acting like she has something to hide, trying to get her to slip up and somehow incriminate Weller, claiming that her loyalties are with Roman and (basically) that Weller's loyalties are with her, meaning he believes Weller would choose her over the FBI if it came down to it, and ugh I know this guy is trying to cause problems and everything but I kinda love him for laying it out to Jane like that, putting the thought in her mind that maybe Weller WOULD choose her, maybe Weller cares enough about her that if it somehow came to it, he would turn his back on the agency that has been his life for a dozen years in order to stand with her. And lbr, he would. Heeeeelllllppppp.

Aaaand Reade is still ignoring calls and being an all-round butthead. Also I've suddenly decided Reade needs a dog. Oooh and angel-Trevor not only has PTSD, but he's dying bc of his drug and alcohol abuse, having already lost his family because of it. Yep, this guy was definitely put here to teach Reade a valuable life lesson. Good luck Trevor, hope you succeed. Also sorry to hear about the dying thing.

Naww Weller is being the understanding dad now, since mom-Jane isn't there to do it, and Zapata has taken on the role of that cool aunt that you can tell anything to. Also this kid must be kinda in awe of the hotness of the women in this place lol. He is like 16, after all. And then ugh he finally tells them that their foster mom was giving them pills-- and then BAM, he breaks open the pitch-pipe and there's one of the pills. Score one for Roman! Also I very much enjoy watching Roman watch the interviews. Handsome, emotionally troubled men with hearts of gold are definitely part of my aesthetic. Zapata takes the pill to Patterson to be tested, whereas Weller is accosted by Weitz, who looks positively delighted to get to have some alone time. Well, if a bunch of observers and a camera counts as alone time, anyway.... (#kinky)

And ughhhh yet again his first question is Jeller-related. We definitely have a shipper here. And ugh Weller describes his relationship with Jane as professional, which is technically true. Their relationship is multifaceted, and a big one of those facets is their work partnership. Especially lately, while the personal stuff between them is only just beginning to delicately blossom again. Then when Weitz pushes-- clearly desperate to know if there's hope for his OTP or not-- Weller hedges, saying that they go out for drinks as a team sometimes. Again, true; that is another facet. I love how he is very much skirting around the head-over-heels-in-love facet. Well played, Weller. It's Weitz’s fault for not asking you directly if you're in love with her. For once he's probably somewhat relieved for the conversation to move onto Shepherd-- well, until Weitz starts claiming that she's Weller's benefactor (slash future mother in law) and that he may actually be working for her somehow. Remember those anger management lessons, son, you've been doing so well. Just get through this and you can go find Jane so she can be outraged on your behalf.

But nope, instead he walks into the lab, and when Jane asks how it went, he grumpily changes the topic. Sigh. I guess it would be a little hard for him to seek support from her when all the team-- including Roman and Roman's detail- are standing right there. Plus he probably still feels a little awkward about nearly getting caught out on the whole being in love with her thing. Kinda makes sense that he's a little touchy. Anyway Patterson has discovered that the foster kids are being used as guinea pigs in illegal drug tests. And cue a scene with labcoated people talking about euthanising the kids, which the foster mom initially argues against, but then accepts. Wow, messed up, much? Thankfully the drug has to be out of the kids' systems before they kill them, so that buys them another hour for our team to come to their rescue.

Lol Trevor and I seem to share feelings about home-renovation shows. I'd sure as hell rather watch hockey too, buddy. Reade catches him right before he falls over trying to change the channel, seeing that his legs are too weak to even support him anymore, and angel-Trevor then tells him to get control of his life 'the right way' by talking about his pain, getting it all out. And Reade starts to open up to him and ughhh I really hope he is an angel and not some kind of plant bc if the wrong person finds out about this, Reade could be in some serious shit...

Nas' contacts are closing in on Sandstorm's bank account after tracking that transaction Roman made, but Weller's more fixated on the fact that his unwanted 'link' to Shepherd is a threat to the team (now you know how Jane feels, bud!). Thankfully though Patterson has found a lead-- the capsule that holds the pill's contents is (very fortuitously) only used by four companies, and they showed photos of employees to Eli until they found the doctor he'd met-- a man with a very Polish-looking name, which Patterson can't pronounce, and Weller thinks he can, but can't. Literally I'm an Aussie who has never been to Poland, and while I'm definitely not sure exactly how it's meant to sound, I know enough to know it's not whatever he just said. But anyhow, let's add another uncle to Weller's list haha-- he seems to have been collecting a few lately. I wonder which side of the family they were on? Not that it matters, since he's estranged from both, I guess... but anyhow there's only one way to find the doctor, and that's to use Eli as bait. I appreciate that they get his consent first, bc lbr they probably didn't have to.

And like a sucker, the doc fell for it, and they traced the call to a warehouse. Roman's detail is assigned to cover the back entrance (good, keeps them out of the way) and Weller puts Jane together with Roman while he and Zapata take another entrance. I love the Roman/Jane teaming up thing because again, it shows Weller's trust in Jane... but I want my Jeller combo back. How long til we can have Zapata and Roman teaming up? Bc I am veeeeery interested to see how that goes. I do appreciate that Zapata raises no concern about Roman being out with them though. It's nice to see him being accepted more ughh. Sounds like the foster mom has had a change of heart, and doesn't want the kids to die. Too little, too late, lady. And then she literally tries to grab a gun to shoot at Weller (rude) but he fires a warning shot, bc he believes in JUSTICE not vigilantism and ugh I just love my sweet honorable boy. And speaking of sweet honorable boys, as the team approaches the kids, Roman runs straight to them and starts cutting them free ugh, while Weller chases a bad guy and Jane finds the power source for the machines (not sure why, like she could literally just pull the IV's out of the kids' arms)-- but it's lucky she does, bc it puts her in the perfect spot to grapple with another suddenly-appearing bad guy. Roman nearly gets shot in the head about five times in the process, and he and the kiddies make a run for it while the rest of the team is locked in their own individual battles. Zapata personally kicks the shit out of the doctor guy, which I appreciate. They all dispatch their opponents and regroup at the same time, realising Roman is nowhere to be found. Jane looks super worried but also convinced that he'll pop up at any second, while Weller's just like 'shit I can't deal with this rn' and then ta-da Roman appears with all the kids safe and sound and Jane is practically bursting with pride and rainbows and Weller just gives this little nod like 'good work... u lil shit' and we didn't get to see Zapata's reaction but I stg she would have been frowning bc she found the whole situation worryingly hot lol

Ugh now they're all at the hospital and Roman and Jane walk up to Weller together but she lets Roman take the lead bc lbr seeing the two men she loves most in the world interact is probably like her favourite thing ever, plus it's good for Weller to be reminded that Roman really does care ugh. And then Jane tells Roman how great he did and Weller agreeeeeeeeessss (bc now it's just them there so he doesn't have to keep up the cranky-boss appearances anymore and can just be the approving bro-in-law and ughhhhh save me). Oh and it seems Zapata is here to do just that, bc she's discovered Eli is missing from his room-- turns out he's gone to confront foster-mom. Also according to the decor, this is literally the same hospital that Reade is in. Imagine if the team ran into him in one of the corridors?? Awkwaaaaard. But anyhow the team finds Eli, and Weller approaches and starts talking him down while the rest watch from the doorway, and ughhhh "don't let what she's done ruin the rest of your life"/ "the things that you've had to go through, they can make you stronger, but you have to make the right choices" and ughhhhh his words literally could relate to any member of the team, but are clearly hitting Roman especially hard rn. Yaaaas give me all the Roman/Weller bonding. And omg the kid drops the knife and then walks straight into Weller's arms and I'm screaming bc ALL THAT SPECULATION ABOUT WHICH OF THE WOMEN THE HUG WOULD BE WITH, AND IT'S A FREAKING TEENAGE BOY. Oh, man, that promo sure got us good. I'm so amused by this haha

Oooh Weller has called his ladies (sans Nas, which imo is the way it should be) into his office-- he's giving Tasha the lead on the Sandstorm op, which makes them all go "??What???" so he explains that in order to prevent Weitz taking the whole team down, he's going to fall on his sword, take the hit to spare the rest of them. And lol yet again it's a mixed-bag of reactions-- Patterson is all (ง'̀-'́)ง again, whereas Zapata-- as a bureaucracy-understanding agent like Weller-- clenches her jaw, telling him they'll fight it together but knowing why he's doing what he's doing; but ugh Jane's eyes are locked on Weller's face, voice rough with emotion as she insists there IS no team without him. Because to her, there isn't. There's nothing without Weller-- she can't even comprehend existing in a world where he is not at its center. And when he insists that this is the plan he's going with, she looks to the others, hoping they'll help her talk him out of it-- but they're silent. There's nothing they can do. He's still their boss, and this is his final order. Weitz has his victim at last.

But not, apparently, the one we were expecting. While Weller was saying his farewells, Nas Kamal-- the sneakiest of the sneaky-- is already in with Weitz, claiming full responsibility for literally everything (did you know she shot JFK, too??). So, okay... what is actually going on here? Was this literally the point of her character all along, to provide someone else to be offered up as a sacrificial lamb, when all the shit that has happened this season finally catches up with them? I just... idk. I don't get it. I feel like Nas' character makes no sense, like she's some kind of shape-shifter, initially one thing, and then another, and then another, based on the whims of the writers. After nearly a full season I have no idea what her motivations actually are, and I have no idea whether any of the things she said or did were genuine or by design. But, well, better her on the chopping block than Weller, I guess? Well... so long, Nas, and thanks for all the fish-y business!

Ugh my precious Weller catches up with them just as they're leaving, though clearly dreading what he's about to do but ready to do it anyway to protect his team. And then Weitz is all "Boy, bye"... though not before offering to take him out on a date. Does this man literally have a crush on EVERY member of the team, or???

Reade is getting out of hospital, and he leaves his number for Trevor (silly boy, angels don't need phones to speak to you), and the last bit of advice he receives is not to face his demons alone. So c’mon, Reade, who you gonna call?

Okay I am super uncomfortable with drinks being poured on top of the touchscreen table thing. I can't believe Patterson is allowing this. And aww the team thanks Nas for her sacrifice, but lbr they're all secretly glad it's her and not Weller. And then she says a mildly emotional goodbye (she's not really one for touchy feely stuff, lbr), passing the torch to them to continue on her quest against Sandstorm-- and giving them the bank account details, which will no doubt be their next lead. Aaaand yep I am still no closer to understanding anything about why she does what she does or what she wants or anything, really. Which either means that the writers are waaaaay more clever than I am, or they have no more of an idea about it than I do lol. Personally, I'm kinda leaning toward the second...

Aaaaaahhhh Reade called Zapata. GOOD BOY. THIS IS THE FIRST GOOD THING YOU'VE DONE IN WEEKS. And ugh he thanks her for coming over and she thanks him for calling back and they HUGGGGGG and I still do not ship them in the slightest but man have I missed their awesome friendship!!!! And then aaahhh he picks up the tape (apparently he's found a VCR at a thrift store or somewhere lol) and tells her that what he was doing wasn't working and that he needs to know so he can move on and then ughhhhh they sit on the couch together and she holds his haaaaaaaand and ugh I so desperately hope that it's just a game tape and ugh I'm terrified to find out and oh man I can’t even imagine watching that with someone knowing that they may be about to see you violated in that way, knowing that this is something they will always be aware of in the back of their mind when they look at you, and mannnn I just can't get over the incredible depth of the relationships in this show like yes this particular situation is horrible but these connections are so what I came here for ughhhhhhh

Ew, Shepherd. I was enjoying a few episodes without you. And okay blah blah blah you've bought something very expensive and very toxic looking in Bangkok. Whatevs. Hope it backfires on you somehow.

And okay that's the ep done, just in time haha. About the promo: my prediction is that the Jeller kiss we saw will actually be interrupted before it happens, but that Jeller will find a way to ensure that some uninterrupted smoochin' happens by the end of the episode. And lbr they are so DUE for a kiss. Like it's a legit pattern; both of them kiss somebody else. Then they kss each other. Then they both kiss someone else again. Then kiss each other. Then, most recently, they've both kissed other people again, people whom they no longer have any relationship with. Which means: this Jeller kiss is a definite guarantee. It's pure science. Just wait til tonight's ep; you'll see. And after that, the pattern’s gonna end, bc these two won’t be kissing anybody but each other ever again ugh

#Blindspot #Blindspot recap #Jeller #ooooookay now to get like 5 hours sleep #then work for ten hours #THEN watch the episode #sighhhhhh

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cowboylikedean · 7 years

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Anonymous Said:

What I was trying to say yesterday with the asks that didn’t go through…it makes me sad that haylories feel the need to devalue H&Ts other relationships (another sign of tinhatting. Larries are fond of this too). Take their most recent relationships/flings/whatever. Haylories were crying “PR!!!!” For both hiddleswift and hendall. Taylor was on a break and so was harry. Why would they need PR? And both looked pretty happy with those ppl, so haylories find excuses for why they were happy. “Well harry and Kendall were always drunk on that yacht”. “Tom is an actor, he pretends for a living and Taylor was acting too”. And they ignore the similarities between haylors relationship, and harry and Taylor’s other relationships, which is again cherry picking their proofs. Harry and Taylor share clothes/accessories = it’s true love! Harry and Kendall share clothes/accessories = it doesn’t mean anything, harry does that all the time OR (my favourite) it’s a coincidence and they probably had the same hat before. Taylor and harry go on public outings holding hands, and Taylor meets Harry’s family = true love! Taylor and tom go on public outings holding hands and Taylor meets toms family = PR!obviously!! It makes me sad. I saw on a confession blog someone said about Larries that they’re not actually fans of the real Harry and the real Louis, but fans of the fictional relationship THEY’VE created, and I think haylories have gone down that path too. I don’t have hope that they’ll ever be supportive of Taylor and harry end up with other people. They’ll both be married to others with kids and haylories will still be sitting here crying “PR!”

~this is a very long reply sorry i got carried away~ I agree on all of this. It’s really frustrating.

Particularly because it leaves no room for ambiguity. This is what bugs me about all tinhatters... this idea of All Or Nothing. To them, it’s not possible that hiddleswift and hendall were real and Harry and Taylor will always mean a lot to each other. By their actions, hiddleswift and hendall seem to cancel out the love and connection Taylor and Harry have to these people.... Which is ridiculous. That’s not how people work. Just because someone matters doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t. Like shit.. my parents divorced when I was 6. My mom remarried when I was almost 18. My parents aren’t in love with each other and they’ll never be together again (thank god), but the matter deeply to each other. My dad is still a very important person in my mother’s life, not just as the father of the three children they share but also as her first husband and a relationship she saw lasting forever. A wirlwind that lasted 14 years total and started with an accidental meeting that turned into a first date because neither wanted to say goodbye. The fact that my parents’ history matters enough to my mom that it is one of her favorite things that she can say that through all of it, the fights and bullshit of the downfall of their relationship and aftermath, they have come to a point where they’re friends doesn’t negate her relationship with her current husband. My mother’s current marriage to her husband doesn’t mean that her relationship with my father isn’t or cannot be one of mutual trust, love, care, compassion, and friendship as it is. The same goes for Harry and Taylor. Any relationships they get in don’t negate their love and care for each other.

It takes me back.. last year this time, Harry was getting off the yacht.. actually that was a year ago today (thanks facebook lookback lol). Taylor was dating Calvin. We all knew this. They didn't call tayvin PR because they weren't this bad in early 2015 when tayvin started... but New Years Eve 2015/2016 when we got the first photos of the yacht, haylories stood with others who hate hendall because it challenges their view of Harry and his personal life calling it PR. This was the beginning of haylories actually using larries to back them up. During this five day period of yachtgate, I saw several haylories reblogging larries with their illogical reasons why the yacht was a PR stunt...

Things like: “why are they standing where they know the paps can see them” (ridiculous - it’s a yacht. There’s not that much room. Also, I know they’re great photos.. but it’s not like the paps were on a little boat right next to the yacht... it’s called long lens cameras... the same kind that caught Taylor in Hawaii.) or “that’s too much PDA for it to be a normal vacation” (lololol they’re on vacation?????) to “why is Jeff also on the yacht? why are they signing papers? see? It’s about business.” (Jeff is Harry’s best friend??? and like we don’t know what the papers were (harries who tell you otherwise are full of shit too) and also it’s none of our business???) or “the only reason ellen would be on the yacht is because it’s PR” (??? i still to this day don’t know why ellen was on that yacht other than a personal reason like happening to be in St. Barts and being invited to chill. how does this even make sense)

And like don’t get me wrong, I participated in some of that shit... but I also never seriously used the phrase “PR stunt.” I always saw it as a vacation fling that was made Extra and Over The Top by paps, fans, and our good friends the media and general public. The haylories literally and seriously saw it as a PR stunt.

PR for what? Well I’ve only ever gotten the answer about PR for Kendall... the newest season of KUWTK was coming up and they needed hype... But what about Harry? Nothing. The harries have chimed in and said it was “to distance Harry from 1d and the 1d image” which makes no sense.. but haylories have offered nothing.

Same with hiddleswift. Haylories and others who believe it was PR talk about what PR Tom could need or get from it... putting his name in the forefront of people’s minds while the Bond considerations were happening for instance. Promo for the filming of Thor for instance... But there’s nothing that Taylor was promoing. Nothing she could have been promoing. It was bad press for her and contrary to the saying, some press is bad press.... So wtf was the PR angle?

And then this leads me to......... 1. I have always said it’s really sad seeing haylor stans of all people accuse a ship of being PR. We all know what it’s like to see that happen and literally... Hunters and foxes much??? like not to be That Taylor Stan but like... IKP isn’t just talking about the media and the GP. It’s talking about fans who accused PR stunt and used that as an excuse to be invasive and nasty too. OOTW refers to “couldn’t take the heat.” That heat is all of it. The fans too. We should know more than anyone why that shit is harmful and we shouldn’t do it.

but 2. You refer to a confessions blog that says that the larries aren’t fans of Louis and Harry but rather the fictional relationship between them that they created... And like.. I’ll take that a step further and say what many others have said as of late... the larries are actively against Louis and Harry. They fling personal insults at Louis and his family. They yell negative things about potential Big Moves for Harry’s career. They’re nasty and they work against them as people and professionals. The same is true here.

I have no idea what happened between hiddleswift, but I think it would be foolish to rule out the idea that the bad press and negative fan reaction wasn’t a part of it. If it got to haylor, who’s to say it wouldn’t get to hiddleswift? Either way, it wasn’t nice and the stuff people were saying about her was nasty. 2015 was a tough year for this fandom, and I’ll be the first to admit that some of the things we all as people who didn’t like tayvin said and did were not okay. It was heartbreaking to see that carry over to summer 2016 with even nastier stuff being said for less. Seriously... I remember there were some fans that took photos on their phones of the yellow dress before the paps showed up and people were saying how she’d called them. I saw people say that say that she’d instructed random strangers to take photos of her. That is ridiculous!

And then as for hendall.. When the Anne iCloud leak happened, these people fed, contributed to, and used for their own beliefs the larries’ posts (again) about how this leak was a fake done for PR reasons to push the narrative that hendall was dating. They opted for harassing Anne, Harry, and family and making fun of them... saving the photos that their legal team was trying hard to get off the internet and reposting them with long explanations about why that photo was “obviously fake.” Speculating stuff about how it’s “weird” to have so many pictures of your son and his vacation girlfriend. Posting about how why would Harry have taken photos with Anne’s camera. Making mountains out of molehills. It was obvious that Anne, Harry, and family were hurting and frustrated by the whole thing... and the haylories were fucking awful!

It’s just clear to me that Taylor and Harry and their personal wellbeings don’t mean that much to these people. The Idea of Haylor as an Established Romantic Relationship means a lot to these people... but Taylor Swift and Harry Styles as people... not so much.

#sorry #this is long af #haylories #anonymous #ask

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stempisces83-blog · 5 years

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10ish months as a mom.

Aug 28

10ish months as a mom.

posted by Kylie in baby, motherhood, postpartum \\

41 comments »

In the beginning of motherhood I feel like I had so much compassion for myself when I didn’t know what to do or days/nights felt overwhelming because I was learning. But at 9 months I’ve found myself having far less self compassion. I was talking to Andrew about how hard I’ve been on myself lately and I think it’s because I was expecting motherhood to get easier.

I was expecting me to adapt and it to not feel so hard. And while I know I have learned a lot and become way more resilient, at least one day a week brings me back to those initial sleepless night feelings when I’d find myself covered in milk crying on the bathroom floor because Jo wouldn’t stop crying and fall asleep. I just thought it’d be easier by now or I’d feel like I got the hang of it. I feel myself being so impatient…wanting everything to get easier. Some days go so smoothly and I feel like we got this. And other days Jo is fussy and upset and I don’t know why and I feel like I’M GOING CRAZY AND AN ALARM CLOCK IS GOING OFF INSIDE ME AND THEN…she falls asleep and I’m scrolling on my phone looking at all the cute photos I’ve taken of her.

Andrew says maybe an entire smooth day is too much to ask for. Maybe we should be looking for good moments in a day instead. And that sounds like good advice to me.

There’s nothing else I’d rather be doing with my life. But gosh. Some days are just so hard. But there are always wonderful moments even in those hard days.

I will say being plugged into a moms group (that has open, honest, authentic moms) has been SO INCREDIBLY helpful. Spending time with them is so restorative.

Nursing

Right now Jo is down to 2 nursing sessions a day: one in the morning and one after her first nap. We’re using formula as needed. When I started weaning I remember getting to a Friday afternoon and I felt excited for the weekend for the first time in ages. Not excited because I didn’t have to take time to nurse Jo, I really liked nursing her and enjoyed the responsibility most of the time, but hormonally/chemically/mood-wise I felt like I was happy and it was something I don’t think I’d felt in 8 months.

Decreasing nursing sessions wasn’t really an intentional decision, it just started happening when my milk supply would plummet around my period and Jo was eating more solid foods anyways so we’d rely more on solids/formula for a bit. I’ve heard you can supplement with Ca/Mg to boost your milk supply around your period, but honestly I couldn’t handle one more thing…even a thing as simple as taking a supplement. My brain and body just felt depleted and I needed a change.

I decided a few weeks ago I don’t want to pump anymore, so now I only feed Jo when I’m with her and I’m always with her in the mornings, so that nursing session still makes sense. We are weaning based off what makes sense for our family.

I’m going to visit my niece (who’s still cooking!) in October and my plan is to have Jo completely weaned by then. Andrew suggested I go on the trip alone and he keeps Jo. At first I was like NO I’m not ready for that! But after thinking about it more I think being solo on the trip would be good for me. A couple mom friends recommended having an event mark the end of nursing and that sounds like a good plan to me.

Feeding Jojo solids

I was excited to do baby led weaning with Jo and referenced the book Born to Eat. Awhile ago I posted Jo eating a puree from a pouch and a few people on IG messaged and emailed me saying “don’t you realize you’re not supposed to do purees and BLW?” To which I was like, “go away.”

Jo prefers to feed herself, but sometimes that just doesn’t make sense for our life. Sometimes when I see people posting about BLW it looks like baby led orthorexia (that’s probably too harsh, but that is how it feels to me. I’m sure since I come from an eating disorder background I’m more sensitive to that than others would be). All of the sudden there are food rules I’m supposed to follow to feed my child…whattttt???!!! Jo is going to learn how to respond to hunger and fullness cues (aka self-regulate) because she lives in a house that values tuning into those cues and doesn’t put thinness above health. Her relationship with food isn’t going to be damaged because I feed her with a spoon sometimes without letting her hold the spoon once.

Jo’s first food was ice cream around 4 months old. It was the first time she showed interest in food so I let her have a taste.

We don’t follow any rules. Sometimes she eats what we eat, sometimes I make her different food (I really did like using Raised Real meals, who I recently did a sponsored IG post with…however this mention is not sponsored), sometimes she has purees, sometimes she has two meals in a row of baby oatmeal, sometimes she eats sugar (I don’t seek out sugar to give her, but if she’s interested in what I’m eating i’ll usually give her a bite), sometimes she eats things with salt. And I feel really good about it.

If you’re anxious about feeding your child because you had an eating disorder and would like a resource to give you some guidance, I think the Born to Eat Book (<– affiliate link) is great. I’ve just skimmed it/used it as a reference guide.

Sleep

Right now we’re in a good patch with sleep after re-sleep training at the beginning of August. Jo goes to sleep at 7pm-ish and sleeps until 6am-ish. We’re going on a vacation in a couple weeks and I imagine her sleep will get off and we’ll be back to a rough place with sleep. I’m learning to enjoy it when it’s good and hang on for dear life when it’s bad.

How daycare is going.

Good! Really good. Right now Jojo goes two days a week. The change has been really great for our family and I’m more open to looking into daycare earlier on for any future kids. Jojo likes a lot of activity and there’s a lot of activity for her with watching/playing with the other babies and big kids who attend the preschool. She doesn’t nap great there and just cat naps throughout the day, but it hasn’t affected her sleep on days she’s at home with me…so I’m grateful for that.

And yes…Jojo, Andrew and I have been sick as she picks up all the daycare germs, but, except for one night when her cough got pretty bad, it hasn’t been that rough.

What I’m loving.

I’m loving seeing who she is more and more. I’m still her favorite person, but at the library or playgroups she’ll crawl away from me and go on an adventure by herself. Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t have much stranger danger. But of course there are times she cries when she realizes I’m not there.

I’ve heard some moms say they don’t love playing make-believe with their kids/it doesn’t come naturally to them, but I love it. Yesterday I was pretending to be a lion and I went to kiss Jo and she ended up biting my lip lol, so that wasn’t great…but usually I have a lot of fun with it with her. Making her laugh is hard to beat<3

So that’s where we’re at! Any thoughts on how life with your little one is? Or memories of your little one at this age?

posted under baby, motherhood, postpartum

41 comments