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#Some Things Never Change

I need to just ramble about personal shit real fast. I dont want to bug my friends so if my friends see this, then I apologize.

So Im seriously most likely about to drop out of school and that breaks my heart. I feel like such a failure. I’ve worked so incredibly hard to have the grades to go through LSUs’ online campus in an accelerated course for international business because i really really want to work in sports but I just dont have the academic mind for math. It’s a massive road block. any other type of class i can handle but math is just… It’s a hard no. I live by myself, pay all my own bills, work long shifts, and often take on excessive overtime. I dont mind. I try not to complain. I do this all while lending help to my family and siblings. It’s fine. Despite my hard work, I just can’t afford school.

To pay for my current classes I drove back to Louisiana and spent the day with my dad. I listened to him ramble, some of the conversation i enjoyed, but it often went very dark. Very right-wing politics. I had to listen to him say extremely vile racist things, list off KKK talking points, and I had to nod and agree with him when he brought up that i’d be a terrible and irresponsible mother for not giving my future children a father. (im a lesbian.) At the end of the night he gave some gifts and the money and I cried and screamed the entire drive home. 

I cant even explain the immense shame that one single visit left me with. Maybe akin to filling my stomach with live cockroaches.

I did all that to pay for classes Im now failing. I have two forms of dyslexia. Who was i to think I could seriously do this? 

I am just a fucking failure at everything I do. 

And lately my s*icidal urges are back, and im texting hotlines, and I’m doing everything I can to keep myself Okay. I can’t off myself because my siblings need me. I can’t off myself because my two very best friends would be so devastated. I can’t off myself because Im my bestfriend’s maid of honor, and I can’t off myself because I’m finally going to get to see my favorite band in September. I keep telling myself I have to make it till September, so of course I will.

but the point is. I feel like shit. And I dont know what to do. I can’t afford school, and im failing anyway. 

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