because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
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12th March
My best friend bought me this gift of a souvenir music box for a major birthday. She found it I think on the shelves of a Sydney Road Op Shop. She knew of my love of kitsch and my love of Italy but she could not have known that the tune it plays was my mother's favorite tune.
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78. Somewhere My Love (Lara's Theme from Dr Zhivago) by Ray Conniff and The Singers debuted Jun 66 and peaked at number nine, scoring 851 points.
Ray was born in Attleboro, Mass. and had six chart entries. This was the only one to crack the top 40.
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don’t even get me started on clones-
oh actually, please do. first and foremost, Rex. the amount of love and appreciation i have for this man is unmatchable
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i often see posts about soft and intimate aftercare towards subs, but ive always wanted to care for a dom after sex 🥹 wanna pull them closer to me, cup the side of their face and kiss their nose while reassuring them that i loved everything they did. wanna gently wipe away any tears that might form when they look at the marks they littered on my skin, all while making sure to tell them i think they look beautiful on me. wanna help them if dom drop ever happens, saying gentle affectionate praises to them and whispering sweet nothings if they wish for me to. wanna reassure them that i dont see them as a sexual object, that id still love them if they werent in the mood for sex, that theres so much more to love about them that isnt just them being my dom. wanna snuggle up with them under the covers once theyre feeling better and just fall asleep in each others arms, all while theres a little smile on my face knowing my dom trusts me to take care of them 🥹💜
(he/him, op is a gay man.)
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A very specific idea/scenario I have about Alastor's sleeping habits
He barely even sleeps in the first place. He sleeps like only a few hours a week, in one go. He locks himself up in his room once a week, sleeps for 4 hours straight and that's it. And since he doesn't sleep much, each time he does he falls into a deep slumber and it's absolutely impossible to wake him up he's straight up passed out until he gets fully recharged.
He does this because the idea of being in a vulnerable position where anyone could do anything to him while he's completely defenseless is too unsettling for him, so he sleeps as little as he can and always makes sure he's locked up first, away from everyone else's eyes.
HOWEVER, one time he's playing cards with the rest of the hotel, and because he got unconsciously so comfortable around them, he accidently falls asleep on the couch during the game. Everyone is shocked because they didn't even know he actually needed to sleep (they always hear him walk around the hotel humming at night like an absolute creep so they just all collectively assumed he didn't need to sleep).
Charlie panicks a little because nothing seems to wake him up, but he's still breathing and seems fine, eventually they all just let him sleep there and keep on going with their card games since the noise doesn't seem to bother him. Charlie even put a blanket on him, and Angel initially wants to draw something on his face as a prank but in the end everyone agrees not to try anything like this, because who knows how the radio demon would react,,, could be dangerous.
A few hours later Alastor finally wakes up, immediately understands what happened and plays it cool like "Oh dear, looks like I passed out, too bad I couldn't finish the game :) oopsie" but internally he's SCREAMING
EDIT: greykolla was faster than me and made a comic about it it's so so good 😭 crying
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