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gryfflepuffinthetardis · 4 months

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The Man Who Sold the World (Sweet Jane Part Three) — Campbell Bain x Reader

Sweet Jane Episode One: Hey Jude

Sweet Jane Episode Two: Fly Like an Eagle

“She’s a mystery, but allow me to uncomplicate her for you. She isn’t impressed by material things. She’s a romantic; all she wants is love, conversation, and wine.”

Warning: Trauma from a toxic ex, Fear of a toxic ex, Stalking,

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Campbell, Fergus, and Y/N were on a stage, playing music while Rosalie walked through the crowd with her gloves on, handing around a petition, as Dancing in the Street played.

“This is street radio, keeping you, you dancing in the street! And if you like what you've heard so far, then come and sign the petition which says: ‘We, the undersigned, would like Campbell Bain and Ready Eddie McKenna to be given their own show on local radio’, and make us the first DJs in radio history to go professional by popular demand!”

The crowd applauded and Campbell played Do Ya Think I'm Sexy. “Here's an anonymous dedication to Debbie, who works in the travel center just across from us, from,” He started talking in the husky “dead smoochy” voice again, "a secret admirer who could show you what love is, yeah!" Then there was a slight pause before Campbell pointed, “Well, all right, Debbie, it's that wee baldy guy in the blue anorak.”

The audience laughed at his humor as he took Y/N’s hands and eased her into a dance, making his hair flop about before a police officer came up, turning off the boombox, making the audience boo.

“Right, party's over. You're busking without a permit and ye's have got one minute to clear off.”

Campbell, even though he had a microphone and was face-to-face with the officer, he still shouted into the microphone, “A PERMIT?! ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT,” He had gestured to the cop and then himself before turning to the audience, “WE NEED A PERMIT TO DANCE?!”

“NO!” The crowd shouted.

“DO WE NEED A PERMIT TO BOOGIE?!” Campbell shouted as the cop walked off, annoyed and Y/N and Fergus exchanged looks.

“NO!”

“WE ARE HERE TO BOOGIE AND WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED!” Campbell enthusiastically pumped his fist over his head, triumphantly.

The crowd cheered and applauded as Y/N thought she spotted someone taking pictures… but they seemed to be focused only on her, if she moved away from Campbell and Fergus, the camera followed only her. It wasn’t the kind that the press used being something like a Nikon model camera but more of a Canon model. She got distracted when Fergus hissed at Campbell, “What are you doing?” Fergus asked.

“I told you it would work! We've got a genuine incident going here!” Campbell said, excitedly, making Y/N look at him and then said in an excited singsong voice, “We are gonna be in the papers!”

Y/N joined them, poking her head around Fergus, “We're gonna be in jail, Campbell.”

There were police sirens wailing as more police officer came running up.

“...Yeah, we'll just merge quietly into the crowd and then leg it.” Campbell said and they grabbed their stuff and ran off, pushing through the crowd and Rosalie followed them, and it quickly became obvious where they were to the police.

Y/N ran past the guy still taking pictures and she got a sense of familiarity, so she stopped and looked at him but he ran off to a distance before taking more pictures of her before Campbell came back, grabbing her hand and pulling her.

“COME ON!”

Fergus, Campbell, and Y/N climbed over a sort barricade of junk. Y/N walked backwards to see the guy still taking pictures before she accidently stepped off the side of the junk and hit the ground with a yelp. Campbell went to her as Fergus held out a hand for Rosalie but she declined, despite wearing gloves and climbed over herself as Campbell helped Y/N up, a great constrast from when they first met just months ago.

“You alright?”

“Peachy pie.” She said, somewhat sarcastically.

He grinned and then he kissed her cheek and took her hand and ran off.

Eddie was in the station, filling in for Y/N who was supposed to be filling in for Campbell if he weren’t there. But neither were there.

“That was Runaway and this is Ready Eddie, standing in for Y/N L/N who should be standing in for Campbell Bain, who have both... run away! So... if you're out there and Campbell Bain is sitting next to you, smoking a fag and having a wee blether with your invisible voices or if you see Y/N L/N keying Campbell Bain’s dad’s car or furthering guilting him, tell them to—!” He played Baby Come Back as the four patients entered the station.

“Is it seven already?” Campbell asked.

“It's quarter past. Where the hell have you been?” Eddie demanded.

“Y/N, Rosalie and I got an afternoon pass. We staged a publicity stunt! A road show right in the middle of Argyle Street! And the police even came to break it up! Are you gonna tell me that's not frontpage news?!” He said, excitedly.

“What papers did you invite?” Eddie said, irritated.

It was immediately clear that Campbell was not aware of this fact, “‘Invite’? You mean you have to invite them?” He looked around at the group as Y/N closed the blinds over the window, anxiously, “Does that not... slightly... cheapen it?”

“Campbell, this station is falling apart. If something doesnae happen soon, we'll no have a station to publicize. In the past fifteen minutes, yet another channel on the mixer has blown; if I don't get any good news from Evelyn tomorrow about a new mixer, we may have to stop broadcasting altogether!” He started to shout in Campbell’s face, “You want to go professional? RULE ONE: TURN UP FOR YOUR SHOW!”

Campbell hung his head, ashamed and muttered, “...Sorry, Eddie.”

Eddie, then turned to Fergus and shouted, “How'd you no realize that channel was gonnae blow? How was it no checked?”

“...Sorry, Eddie.” Fergus shrugged.

Eddie then turned to Rosalie, “And what about you? You're the station manager; 's your job to make sure the show goes out!”

“...Sorry, Eddie.” She said, softly and splashed some Dettol into her hands and rubbed them together.

Then he turned to Y/N, “Aren’t you supposed to keep them in line, Y/N!?” Eddie shouted at Y/N who didn’t look sorry but more angry and tiresome, used to being screamed at. But she wasn't going to take it anymore.

“And where were you during Campbell’s first show. You were twenty minutes late, McKenna. Point is everyone makes mistakes and by the way WHY THE HELL AM I IN CHARGE OF KEEPING THEM IN LINE, I’M ONLY EIGHTEEN! I’M THE YOUNGEST ONE HERE!” She then spoke loudly but not in a yell again, if she yelled her voice became all hoarse from lack of use. “so how about you stop yelling at us because we’ve got work to do, so let’s just try and see a little bit of discipline and professionalism around here, huh? That alright with you, salesman of double windows.” She sassed much like a sassy temp would.

“Anyway. Record's almost finished. I've got to go to work.” Eddie said, putting his coat on.

“No problem.” Campbell said and he sat in the DJ chair while Y/N sat in the co-DJ chair, “Right.”

“Quiet! We're going on air now!” Rosalie said, loudly, making Eddie put a finger to his ear.

Y/N played the Hospital Radio Saint Jude's jingle as Eddie left and Campbell spoke into the microphone, “And that was Baby Come Back, coming at you from 1968.”

Apparently Rosalie felt the near empty hallway wasn’t quiet enough because she opened the door and shouted down the corridor, “I said, QUIET!” Her voice echoed on the radio, making Y/N flinch.

“Rosalie!” Campbell hissed.

Rosalie then spotted her husband, glaring at her, “Oh. It's you.”

It was quiet for a moment before Y/n leaned over Campbell, bringing the microphone to her mouth. “Um… this next song will be to all those unaccepting fathers who won’t accept that their son is amazing just the way they are but refuse to accept them and criticize him to the point that he had a legitimate manic episode.” Not true but he didn't know that. Nor did he deserve to know that.

“Y/N.” Campbell blushed.

“And also, for all those who got away. Oh Father.” She started playing Madonna’s Oh Father.

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Campbell pushed the fader slider and he pulled out a plastic bag, “I, uh, kind of guilt tripped my mother into stealing some money from my dad.” He smiled nervously, “And I bought you these.” He pulled a pair of light purple on light blue headphones.

“Campbell…” She smiled, touched. “You didn’t have to.”

“Well, I did break yours. Here,” He opened the box and unraveled the wire, spazzily and then he put them over her neck, leaning forwards her as he moved her hair and tucked them behind her ears. His eyes glanced down at her lips and he slowly leaned closer and then suddenly panic erupted inside her chest as traumatic memories flashed behind her eyes and she kicked the swivel chair back and ran out of the station, leaving Campbell very confused and now feeling dejected, his posture sank and he pouted, now resembling a kicked puppy dog (possibly kicked by his father or Stuart)

Evelyn was still perpetually closed minded about not only the patients working at the station but group therapy. Where was Doctor Winter!?

Campbell was pacing back and forth, running his hands through his hair as he eyed Y/N warily given that he had tried to kiss her and she ran in the opposite direction at full-speed but she was avoiding his gaze as Rosalie cleaned the station with her last bottle of Dettol when Eddie entered.

“How bad is it?” Campbell asked, eagerly.

Clearly Eddie was also annoyed with Evelyn’s behavior because he bitterly said, “We're getting nothing; they're afraid we may be a luxury they cannae afford; but they do wantae know if we want to do something for the Open Day next week.” He turned to Fergus, “What do you think?”

“They can't do this!” Campbell whined as Y/N went to him, calming him down by running her hands through his floppy locks, he leaned into their touch.

“How long can we keep going?” Eddie asked Fergus.

“A few months, or...” Fergus started.

“Few days.” Eddie finished.

“They are nipping my brilliant career in the bud!” Campbell shouted.

“They want rid of you, you know.” Francine said.

“Oh, aye?” Eddie asked and Francine nodded.

“That's how they do things in here. They never say ‘ye cannae do that’ or ‘ye cannae have that’, but ye cannae. You wantae put a poster up by your bed, they'll tell you there's nae Blu-tack. If you find some Blu-tack, they tell you it'll damage the paint. If you get some paint, they'll tell you the color doesnae match. They never actually stop you, but somehow you just stop.”

Y/N chuckled bitterly, “Story of my life.”

“Well, not this time.” Campbell said, determinedly, “Eddie, you tell them that yes, we do want to do something for the Open Day. We are gonna run a fundraiser to buy a new mixing desk.”

“How?”

“I see a Hospital Radio Road Show on a flatbed lorry. I see music and dancing. I see reporters!” He said, enthusiastically.

“I see no money, Campbell.” Eddie rubbed his temple.

“Well, we'll charge to play requests and dedications! And then, we will pull off one absolutely brilliant publicity stunt that will blaze its colors across every newspaper in Scotland!” He declared as Y/N got an idea.

“Such as?” Eddie asked, flatly.

“...I don’t know!” Campbell sputtered but remained undeterred, “I-I could get up on the roof of the hospital and threaten to jump unless the punters give us enough to buy a new mixer.

“Aye, but they might want you to jump.” Y/N said in a slightly sarcastic deadpan voice.

“Well then I'll threaten no to jump unless the punters give us enough to buy a new mixer.” Campbell half-joked, getting close to her, at least she was making eye contact with him again.

“Campbell, they are not going to let you threaten to jump off the hospital rooff for their Mental Health Week Open Day!” Eddie scolded.

“It was only my first idea!” Campbell defended, “Come on, Y/N, Fergus, Rosalie—we've gotta mobilize the troops! Hospital radio must survive!”

He took Y/N’s hand and walked off with Fergus following while the skeptical Eddie sat down and Rosalie was writing in her notebook.

Campbell came back and spoke to Rosalie, “Rosalie, what are you doing?”

“Uh, just—writing a list.” She said.

“Come on!”

“I gotta make a phone call!” Y/N said and ran down the hall as Campbell whined after her.

“Y/N!”

Campbell gathered the gang and the inmates for an announcement which as per usual annoyed Alistair.

“Fellow inmates! I suppose you're all wondering why I've asked you here today.”

“Just get on with your bid.” Alistair complained.

“Yes, how dare we interrupt your TV time.” Y/N deadpanned.

"I liked it better when you didn't speak at all." Alistair muttered, grumpily.

“We all remember what life here was like before hospital radio.” Campbell said.

“Aye, a lot quieter.” Hector piped up.

"Becasue Y/n never spoke." Alilaster grumbled but he was ignored completely.

“You're right, Hector! Hospital radio has brought us music, laughter, got us dancing in the corridors! Before that, the most excitement we got here was listening to you fart God Save the Queen or waiting for Myra the Catatonic to blink or trying to get Y/N to talk!” He smiled at her with a light in his eyes, “Now, is that what you want to go back to?” Campbell then turned to look at Sheila who was shaking her head, “Is it?”

“No!” She said.

Campbell paced with his hands behind his back as if a solider, addressing his troop, making Y/N Well. Unless we can raise the dosh to buy a new mixer, that's all there's going to be round here.

“What's a ‘mixer’?” Billy asked.

“Shh!” Margaret shushed him as Fergus and Eddie exchanged amused looks.

“But with your help, we are going to be holding a fundraiser at the Open Day. We are going to be staging a Hospital Radio Road Show, through a 5 kilowatt P.A. on a flatbed lorry in the courtyard, and we're going to need volunteers. To help set up and run the show; to help rattle tins—” Campbell explained, passionately and Y/N noticed Rosalie writing down in her little notebook, “but most of all, to help with the main fundraising event of the day, the Loony Pools!”

Y/N muffled her laughter into her palm as Eddie repeated this questioningly in a low voice to an amused Fergus. “Loony Pools?”

Campbell took a stack of homemade coupons from Y/N, giving her a grateful smile, “We're gonna be handing out coupons, like this one, with details of the contestants—half loonies, half boring folk—who'll be assigned numbers, one to twenty-four, by lottery. Two loonies in a pair is a score draw of three points. But if only the odd-numbered contestant's a loony, then it's a home win, one point. If only the even-numbered contestant is a loony, then it's an away win, one and a half points. If neither of them are loonies, it's a no-score draw of two points. A pound a line, best of eight, high score wins, five dividends of cheap prizes.”

The patients muttered in confusion and Hector asked, “What?”

“Yeah, I’m lost too, Cam.” Y/N muttered.

“...Basically, it's Spot the Loony.” Campbell summed up.

“Oh, cheeky!” A patient said.

“That’s you.” Y/N said in a low tone, nudging Campbell, “Cheeky little rascal.”

Campbell let a blushing smile as his cheeks reddened before turning back to the patients with a goofy lovestruck smile on his face, bouncing on his heels, excitedly. “Now! Volunteers?”

“Aye. I'll volunteer.” Margaret raised her hand.

“Me as well!” Billy volunteered.

“Me too!” Y/N chimed in.

“That's the spirit! Because we are going to show them—” Campbell beamed and then he started chanting while holding his fist up as if rebelling against institutional oppression… they kind of were… in terms of rebelling against oppression towards mental health, rather than racism… though oppression against racism could cause mental health problems. Because rude, normal people suck. “We are loonies and we are proud! Say it! We are loonies, and we are proud!”

“We are loonies, and we are proud! We are loonies, and we are proud!” The patients and Y/N chanted with him.

“Now! Any questions?” Campbell asked.

“Aye. Can I go to the toilet?” Billy asked.

Away you go.” Campbell dismissed him, “Any other questions?”

“Where is this flatbed lorry coming from?” Alistair asked.

“That's a detail we haven't worked out yet, but we're working on it.” Campbell admitted.

“So, who's bringing this massive P.A. then?” Margaret said.

“Well, that's another detail that we've not sorted out yet.” He replied.

“What exactly have you sorted out so far?” Alistair asked, annoyed.

“Well, Sandy in the kitchen's been saving us some tins to rattle.” Campbell muttered.

The patients then muttered unhappily as they left.

“Aw, come on! Have some faith!” Campbell whined.

Campbell leaned back on a table in dejection. Y/N went to his side, leaning against him, comfortingly as she placed a hand on his sternum, gently.

“We can still rattle the tins.” She said, encouragingly, he didn’t say anything, he just rested his floppy-haired head on her shoulder and she ruffled his hair but when she stopped he let out a whined and buried his head into the crook of her neck as she scratched his head, comfortingly as Rosalie was still over by the window making a list.

Campbell couldn’t sleep, he was too sad and lonely despite having several roommates. He kicked his covers off like a toddler when staggered down the hallway to Y/N’s personal dormitory as per requested by her refusing basic needs like sleep, food, and water, and he opened the door to find Y/N reading How To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. She looked up to see Campbell smiling warmly, reassuring her when he saw the fear and nervousness in her eyes which eased softly.

“I just… couldn’t sleep. I’m depressed.” He frowned.

She gave him a gentle smile and ushered him over, he got under the covers next to her but kept his distance, noting that they had never done this before and Y/N was jumpy with men.

Silence as she continued to read, “What… are you reading?” He asked, awkwardly.

“How To Kill a Mockingbird.”

“Never read it.”

“Too dark for your internal sunshine.” She said, ruffling his hair. "I usually perfer audiobooks but... I've learned to be cautious about hearing headphones when everyone else is asleep."

“Favorite character?”

“Boo Radley. He’s likely autistic. Misunderstood yet with a gold heart like us.” She said and rested her head against his shoulder and Campbell hesitantly wrapped an arm around her shoulders and she started to read to him be before she dozed off in his arms. He smiled down at her and he turned off her light and kissed the top of her head.

Around midnight, Rosalie entered the boy’s dormitory before finding that Campbell wasn’t there, so she went to Y/N’s personal dormitory as per requested and opened the door to find the two “strictly” friends sleeping next to each other. Or rather, full-on cuddling with Y/N’s head on his shoulder and him with his arms wrapped around her.

“Campbell! Y/N? Are you awake?” She asked in a whisper, neither answered so she turned on Y/N bedside lamp.

Campbell finally woke and reacted to the light, “Jesus! What did you do that for?”

Y/N groaned and pulled the covers over her head, hugging herself into Campbell’s chest, making him let out a gasp and squirming slightly before turning back to Rosalie.

“I wanted to know if you two were awake.” Rosalie said and Y/N groaned from under the covers, saying that she was going back to sleep and no one was going to stop her from doing so.

“Aye, well, I am now.” He sighed, annoyed, he huffed and shifted like, why am I awake, “What do you want?”

“I've been making some lists, Campbell.” She said.

“You're always making lists.” Campbell pointed out like, why do I have to be awake now as Rosalie sat in a chair next to the bed.

“But these ones are for you.” She said and handed the lists over to the sleep-deprived boy from her purse.

"Road haulage companies in the greater Glasgow area." He read and then dryly remarked, unaware that Y/N had gone stock still, “All right, well, thanks, Rosalie, I'm sure I'll find this very useful.”

Y/N suddenly moved urgently, making Campbell jump, scared he had done something wrong. She threw the covers off her, giving Campbell the chance to look down at her nightgown that said, “not crazy, just misunderstood”, his lips twitched into a small smirk of amusement before she spoke.

“Road haulage companies are bound to have flatbed lorries in their fleet! I bet someone'll loan us one, it is for charity.” Y/N said.

Rosalie handed him another paper as he realized what this all meant, “And that's a list of P.A. hire and sales companies; could have some luck there. And this is a list of local merchants who might donate prizes for your Loony Pools. You can recruit most of your non-loonies from the staff, although you'll have to be dead careful, because some of the staff aren't exactly certified…” She had a twirly loony gestured at her head, “non-loonies.

“So not Stuart… or Eddie.” Y/N said. “I could call some of my cousins that live in Edinburgh. They’re all normal, studying abroad.”

“Aye. This is a list of staff bulletin boards in the hospital—" Rosalie continued.

It can be done! You've cracked it, Rosalie!” Campbell said, enthusiastically and he went to shake her hand when she flinched and he remembered, “Oh, sorry.”

“Listen, you couldn't... do something for me, could you?” Rosalie requested.

“Aye, anything!” Campbell said as Y/N placed her chin on his shoulder to look over it as Rosalie handed him a parcel of ugly clothes.

“Listen, you couldn't just put this in your locker and then forget about it?”

“What's in it?”

“Some new clothes Jim brought me.” Rosalie replied.

“Why do you want to put that in my locker?” Campbell said.

“Ugh, this is the most hideous dress I have ever seen.” Y/N said, crinkling her nose at it.

“So I could pretend I lost them. Then I wouldn't have to wear them.”

“You don't want to wear them, don't wear them!”

“Well, Jim says I can't go home unless I wear them.” Rosalie explained and Y/N just flopped onto her back.

“Men.” She scoffed and Campbell gave her an offended look.

“And they want to give me drugs so I can't keep me head straight and defend myself from the germs. I'm down to me last bottle of Dettol but Jim won't let me buy any more, and the doctor says—"

“Now don't let them push you around, Rosalie. Stand up to them.” Campbell encouraged her and Y/N muttered something, sardonically.

“How?”

“You just say…” Campbell then spoke in a bad American accent that vaguely resembled a Brooklyn accent, "‘I'm not gonna take any more o' dis crapola’."

Y/N turned her head to look at him oddly as Rosalie shook her head, “I couldn't do that.”

“How no?”

“I'm not American.” Rosalie pointed out.

“Aye, but it sounds that brilliant when they say it in the films.” He said and Y/N laughed, “‘I'm not gonna take any more o' dis crapola’."

"I'm not going to take any more of this... crapola." Rosalie repeated in her normal voice.

“Uh... you're gonna have to work on the accent.” Campbell said.

“"I'm not gonna take any more of... dis... crapola." She repeated, slowly and awkwardly in an even worst accent. Then she giggled and covered her mouth with her hands as if she had done something scandalous.

Campbell laughed as Y/N rose herself back to having her chin back on Campbell’s shoulder, “That's the spirit!”

“What am I going to do with these clothes?” Rosalie asked.

“Chuck 'em. Burn 'em.” Campbell dismissed.

“Oh, I couldn't do that, Robbie.” Rosalie said and Y/N frowned. Who was Robbie.

“Well, give them to Mad John the Pyromaniac, he'll take care of them.” Campbell said before realizing something, “Did you just call me Robbie?”

Rosalie hurriedly rubbed her hands with Dettoll, “Maybe I'll just put them under my mattress.” She gathered her stuff and then left.

"Right, well, that was a thing." Campbell deadpanned.

“That was odd.” Y/N said.

“Okay, sleepy time.” Campbell said and turned off the light and pulled Y/N into him playfully, making her giggle slightly which warmed his heart.

They couldn’t go back to sleep for a while as Campbell traced circles in her shoulder before he asked, “What do you think you’ll do after you leave?”

“I don’t know. Write? I like to write. Maybe I could be your DJ manager.”

“Yeah, I’ll add it to my list of things to do next to lose my virginity.” He said before hesitantly asking, “are you still a virgin? Not that I want to take it but… I'm not saying that I wouldn't, I mean I would, no! What I mean...”

“No.” She cut him off.

“What?”

“No, I’m not a virgin.” She said and snuggled into the pillow, ending the conversation.

A few days later, Campbell and Y/N were on the air, “Just to remind you that tomorrow, Saint Jude's Hospital Radio Roadshow is going to roll into Open Day, and we need your help to raise money for a new mixer. Without it, hospital radio will soon sound like this.” Silence. Rosalie and Francine looked at him and Y/N in confusion and he smiled meaningfully at them as Y/N giggled into his shoulder, “So! Come along and show your friends, your relations, and the local community that we are loonies, and we are proud!”

Campbell put on Don't Let Me Down as Eddie entered.

“Jesus, what's all this?” Eddie asked.

“You're late.” Rosalie scolded him.

“Sorry, I was working.” Eddie said as Campbell and Y/N pulled their headphones off to watch in amusement.

“Ah, well, here's your list. And you better get started or you'll never get through it.

"Go to car. Put key in ignition. Drive to Hot Jam P.A. hire." Eddie read the thorough instructions.

“There's your address.” Rosalie said, handing him a card.

"Collect speakers. Put in car. Drive back. Take key from ignition." Eddie continued to read.

“Rosalie's nothing if not thorough.” Campbell laughed and Y/N joined in.

“Francine, isn't that banner ready yet?” Rosalie demanded.

“Just finished! And then I have to help Fergus cord the leads.” Francine told her.

“Just give me a minute.” Fergus said which set off Rosalie again.

“A minute? You're only halfway down your list and it's nearly eight o'clock.” She snapped at Fergus and then turned to Eddie, “And you. Well, don't stand there like a dead sheep, go to your car.” Then she rounded on Campbell and Y/N, “And what are you two doing?!”

“I'm in the middle of my show!” Campbell whined and then took Y/N’s hand like he couldn’t do it without having a “manic episode” without her and then gave Rosalie a pouty look.

“Okay, but hurry up!” Rosalie said as Isabel entered.

“Rosalie?”

“Can you not see I am busy?” She snapped at her.

“Your husband's just arrived.” Isabel informed her.

“Tell him to screw off!” Y/N called but was ignored.

“Doctor Cairns can see you now.” Isabel said.

“I'll be there in a minute. I can't stop long.” She said and then she left with Isabel.

“What was that?” Eddie laughed.

“Power corrupts, but absolute power corrupts every loony.” Campbell teased.

“Kind of men in power.” Y/N smirked, cheekily. “It’s the need for control.”

“She organize all this?”

“Aye! By tomorrow night, this hospital isnae gonna know what hit it. And by Monday morning, the Loony Pools is going to be all over every newspaper in Glasgow, paving the way to our career in professional radio! Fergus faxed the press releases this morning.” Campbell said, idealistically and optimistically.

“Aye. Well, just don't be too disappointed if the press don't show up, okay?” Eddie warned.

Campbell’s smile faltered, “What do you mean?”

“It's just that there's nothing all that newsworthy about a bunch of loonies staging a stunt at an Open Day.” Eddie said.

“But it's Mental Health Week.” Campbell said.

“Well, I gave up smoking on National No Smoking Day, but they didnae put my name in the paper.” Eddie pointed out.

Campbell slumped, now disheartened again.

“Good job, Eddie. You made him sad.” Y/N snapped and she took Campbell’s hand.

Eddie sighed, “I better get these speakers. Listen, Campbell.” Campbell looked up at him with a surly expression and Eddie turned back to him, “If we just raise enough money to buy a cheap, nasty secondhand mixer to keep the station going, that'll be enough for me.”

“Ah, well, that's your trouble, Eddie. You aim low every time.” Campbell said, sourly.

“Aye, but I reach my goals.” He said and then left.

“They’ll show up. Even I called some.” Y/N told him, “Hey,” she cupped his cheek and turned his head to look at her, stroking his cheek with her thumb, “trust me?”

He smiled, still somewhat disheartened but believing in her, “Yeah, I trust you.”

Campbell and Fergus and the others carried in speakers, “I've got it, Fergus. The day's entertainment is reaching its climax. The last two contestants mount the stage. The audience mark their coupons; they hand them in. When suddenly, a swarm of photographers surge forward, because it turns out that one of the contestants was none other than—Spike Milligan! The greatest manic-depressive of our time!

“Spike Milligan?” Fergus said.

“Seven out of ten folk will probably think he's a patient! What a news story, eh? What a scoop!” He said, enthusiastically.

“There's only two things wrong with that, Campbell. First, how are you going to get Spike Milligan to appear in your Loony Pools for tomorrow afternoon?”

“Y/N.” Campbell pointed at the H/C-haired girl.

“Uh, a pal of mine's girlfriend's sister went to university with his grandson—” Y/N said, vaguely, avoiding eye contact.

“—Second, everybody knows what he looks like.” Eddie said.

“Good point. We'll need to disguise him.” Campbell said when Rosalie entered wearing just a hideous dress that Jim hadn’t been appreciative of at all as she rubbed her hands with Dettol. “What are you doing wearing that horrible dress?”

“What's going on?” She asked as she set the bottle down on the edge of the table where a speaker is sitting.

“These are the speakers you sent for.

“You can't bring these in here yet I haven't cleaned them! Take them out!” She complained.

“We're going, we're going...” Eddie said and he picked up a speaker and knocked over her bottle of Dettol.

Rosalie gasped, staring in horror as the tension intensified. “It's gone.”

“...I'll get a mop.” Francine said, leaving to do so as Rosalie started to panic.

“That was my last bottle!”

“It's okay, it's okay...” Campbell reassured her.

“What am I going to do? There's germs. There's germs!” She cried.

“Shh, it's okay, Eddie's going to get you some more from the late-night shop.” Y/N reassured her.

“Where's the late-night shop?”

“Fergus'll show you.”

“Uh, I've escaped twice today already.” Fergus protested and Y/N turned to glare at him.

“Germs... kill! And they're everywhere!” Rosalie cried.

“Look, do you want them to come and sedate her? Go!” Campbell hissed and Fergus left with Eddie to get her some more Dettol.

“I’ll pay you back!” Y/N called after them.

“Germs. Kill. Do you not understand? Germs. Kill.” Rosalie panted before going to sit down,“Robbie got sick. Jim said I wasn't washing the lettuce properly. So I washed it and washed it. But he was still sick. Jim said it was 'cause the floors was dirty. So I washed them and washed them. But Robbie stayed sick. Jim said it was the drains, the toilet, the sinks, the dirty washing. The cutting board and the kitchen knives! I made lists of all the places the germs could be. I washed everything! But no. Robbie stayed sick.” Rosalie held back her tears as her voice waivered, “Until he died. I never managed to kill all those germs...”

The death of her son combined with the rage of her husband, who blamed her because he couldn’t blame his son.

“What did he die of?” Campbell asked, gently.

“...Leukemia.”

“Oh, Rosalie...” Campbell said, softly while Y/N knew that this wasn’t the time to bring up that Leukemia was caused by genetics, not germs. It was likely the complusion and intense anxiet had already set in by the time they found out.

“Jim worshipped that lad. He hasn't been the same since.” Rosalie mourned, staring into the distance.

“Trauma can change people. It changed me.” Y/N confessed in a small voice.

Isabel then came in, “Y/N, your cousins are here.”

She tensed and hesitated before leaving without a word. Campbell stood up, watching her leave, slightly concerned.

On opening day, “That’s a lot of people.” Campbell worried, looking out at the crowd.

“Cams, you’ll be great.” Y/N encouraged him.

“By the way, did you call my dad?”

“Maybe.” She shrugged one shoulder, “so you can prove him wrong.”

“Why wouldn’t you consult me first?”

“I didn’t know how’d you react?”

“Not only are there hundreds of people but my road sweeper father, Y/N, I don’t think I can…”

Y/N suddenly stepped closer to him and raised herself on her toes, making his voice die as her lips teased him by getting close to his then pulling away. “I believe in you, Cammie. I’ve always believed in you.”

“Good luck kiss?” He breathed.

She moved to his ear and whispered, “We’ll see.” She started to pull away which made him whine before she turned back and pecked him on the lips and ran off, leaving him blushing like a schoolboy with a stupid look on his face.

Day Tripper played as Campbell spoke into the microphone, “This is for all you day-trippers out there who came to find out what it's like to be loony for a day. So if you've just arrived, get on your straitjacket, plug yourself into the nearest electrical socket, and get on down!”

“Not bad for a looney, huh?” Y/N told Campbell’s father.

“I thought you didn’t speak.” He said, as respectful as ever.

“Your son was going to give up because of you so I spoke up and told him what an ass you are. You’re selfish, inconsiderate, and miserable with your life so you take it out on the son who didn’t turn out like you wanted but guess what manic-depressive disorder is eighty percent genetic and more likely passed down from the father's side of the family than the mother’s, just because there's no known family members of your family doesn't mean there weren't any, you prideful ass. It can also be triggered by stress, emotional abuse, neglect, being bullied, loneliness, isolation, pressure, you know all those you put upon him so he’s a disappointment to you because you’re a disappointment to him in terms of parenting. He can’t turn it off like a switch and it is not an act. So, get your head out of your ass before he gets another manic attack and kills himself because of it.”

She smiled, psychopathically and then walked off, leaving him in stunned silence that she would speak to him like that, and she joined the others as Rosalie was reading out requests.

“Big Girls Don't Cry, The Four Seasons. All Kinds of Everything—”

Eddie had been trying to find the requested records, “You're going too fast!”

“You're just finding too slow.” Rosalie hissed.

“Let me help. What else is there?” Y/N asked.

“Polly.”

“What?” Y/N asked, suddenly so alarmed that her entire body flinched with fear, unaware of the man who had been taking pictures of her was watching but not taking pictures.

“Polly by Nirvana.” She repeated the request that unnerved Y/n when Campbell started talking again and one of her cousins hurried over to her, noticing her cousin’s alarm.

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“Yes, it's time again to separate the loonies from the boring folk, so get ready to mark your X, boys and girls, because if you are one of our lucky winners today, you may walk out of here with one of our fabulous prizes! Which, if you happen to be on a Section 26, means somebody'll come and bring you right back again. You could win a teddy bear, a dancing Coke can, a bottle of cheap sherry, a fruitcake, or a week's supply of cat food. We wanted to give away a color telly and a portable Jacuzzi, but they wouldnae trust us with anything electrical.” He chuckled.

Y/N and her cousin were having a whisper conversation, it was heated like an argument but wasn’t an argument, more of her cousin reassuring her of something when Hector grabbed her arm, making her jerk away into her cousin’s arms who held onto her protectively, looking at Hector as if trying to see if she should beat him down.

“Sorry. Y/N, Mark’s not here.”

Rosalie materialized next to them, “What?”

“He's supposed to be contestant twenty-two, but they discharged him this morning!” Hector warned.

“You'll have to take his place, then.” Rosalie said.

“No, I couldnae!” Hector denied, fearfully.

“You're right. They'd know straightaway you was one of the loonies.

“Rosalie!” Y/N scolded, “where’s your husband? He’d qualify as a looney. What kind of husband doesn’t show up to support his wife?”

“Ladies and gentlemen, loonies and loonettes—” Campbell continued, “Please welcome our next pair of contestants, numbers twenty-one and twenty-two on your coupon.

“Fergus, get up there.” Rosalie said, going to the shy electrician.

“What?”

“I said, get up there! Now, Fergus.” She said and put the “22” lanyard around his neck, then went to Hector as Y/N and her cousin went up to Campbell to inform him.

“Cam, uh, Mark got discharged but we’re replacing him with a very grumpy-looking Fergus.”

He smiled gratefully at her for the update and spoke into the microphone, “Can you spot the loonies, day trippers? Have a good wee look while I play you this dedication from all the folk on Ward 11 to all the nice residents of the surrounding community.” Campbell said and played Lazy Sunday. Y/N and her cousin went to leave but he grabbed on to her forearm gently and he quickly kissed her on the cheek and then giggled because of the excitement, being able to do that gave him.

She rose herself on her toe and kissed his nose, making him giggle again before sitting back down.

Y/N and her cousin went to rejoin the others, “He’s cute.” Her cousin said, “He your boyfriend?”

“Uh…”

“More importantly, is he a good guy. So soon after…” Her voice trailed off.

“He’s nothing like him. Campbell's like a walking ray of sunshine.” Y/N reassured her.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive." Y/n said, softly.

They joined as Francine did, “Rosalie! That bastard caretaker just said we have to unplug our gear at four o'clock. Everything's plugged intae the power point in his wee room and he's going to unplug us so as he can lock up.

“Oh, perfect, that's just perfect.” Eddie scoffed, annoyed.

“All right, Hector. You spilled them, so you can file them back.” Rosalie said.

“What about the requests?” Francine asked.

“Okay, everybody, no more requests between the letters A and H, you got that? Eddie, go and get us some electric.”

“What?!”

“Try the offices, try the ward. Here's a list of all the power supplies in the hospital. Now go!” Rosalie said, giving him a list.

“How does it have to be me?” Eddie whined.

“You think they're going to give their electricity to a loony? You've got five minutes.” Rosalie said.

“My show's about'ae start!” Eddie complained.

“There's not going to be a show without electric! Now go!” Then she snatched a collection tin from Francine and handed it to Eddie, “Bribe them if you need to.”

“C/N (Cousin's Name), go with him. Eddie, this is my cousin, now go!” Y/N pushed her cousin to leave with him.

“But who's gonna take his show?” Francine asked.

"Francine, this is your big moment." Rosalie told her.

"...Oh no!” Francine stressed and Y/N went to calm her down as Rosalie talked to Margaret

“I'm no gonna take the show! I'm not ready! Make Y/N do it.

“I’m a contestant! I’m number’s coming up.” Y/N protested.

Then Evylyn showed up with a woman they've never met, “Rosalie, I've got someone here I'd like you to meet.

“You're gonna have to wait your turn!”

“Does it look like we’re available to talk, Nazi-ette!?” Y/N shouted at her, “Mental patients are more capable and competent and compassionate than you are!”

Rosalie turned back to Margaret, “You see those stalls over there? There's a list of every stall and what they're selling. Go. Away you go and buy a fruitcake.”

“Rosalie! Are you listening to me?!” Francine shouted before Fergus came up to lead her away before she broke into hysterics.

“Well, that's just about all from me this afternoon—”

“Does I come before L or does L come before I?” Hector wondered.

“Dude, I don’t know, I have the mentally sing the alphabet in my head each time I open a dictionary!” Y/N complained.

“I comes before L.” Rosalie said.

“Rosalie, she's—” Evelyn tired again but was interrupted by Campbell running over to them.

“What happened to Eddie… and C/N?”

“They’ve gone in to find us some electric with. If he doesn't find it in the next two minutes, the caretaker's pulling the plug.”

“Th-they can't do this! Y/N and I haven't been a contestant in the Loony Pools yet!” He complained.

“But I can see the audience, Fergus!” Francine cried.

“You'll be fine.” He reassured her.

“Does S come before T?” Hector asked.

“Could you two help him with his alphabet?” Rosalie asked and Campbell and Y/N went to Hector.

The Caretaker arrived, looking like a grade-a douchebag, “Right! Your time's up! I'm locking up now!”

“If you pull that plug, you are pulling the plug on my whole career!” Campbell shouted at him, pointing at him but the caretaker was unmoved, “It's Open Day, for Christ's sake!”

“Don’t you dare crush his dreams! I’ll crush you!” Y/N shouted at the caretaker but he was still unmoved and unintimidated.

“Just another day for me, girlie.” The caretaker said.

Y/N lunched to attack him but Campbell pulled her back, helped with Y/n's cousin ran up, grabbing her cousin around the middle.

“Yeah, underestimating her isn’t a good idea.” C/N said, “Also calling her ‘girlie’.”

“We’ve got it. We've got it.” Eddie shouted and he swapped the plug into the power point they brought.

Campbell and Y/N went back to help Hector with the sorting again, “If "The" is the first word, should it no go into the Ts?

“The’s don’t count!” Y/N said to Hector as Campbell frustrated and annoyed, took the record out of his hand.

“Don’t blame him, Cams. He can’t help it.” Y/N scolded and gently bonked him on the head with a record.

“Y/N, GET UP ON STAGE! YOU’RE NEXT!” Rosalie screamed and Y/n and C/N ran up t the stage putting on their twenty-three and twenty-four markers.

“Hello! This is the Fabulous Francine. And it's time once again for the Loony Pools!

“So, get ready to mark your X for the second to last time as I give you contestants number twenty-three and twenty-four. This is Y/N L/N and C/N C/L/N, can you spot the loony?”

Y/N and her cousin were evenly tied in the round as Eddie made his way to his grandmother. “You decided to come.”

“Nope! I’m the loony!” Y/N called and then bowed in a silly manner before straightening back up, making her hair flip through the air.

“She’s a cute lass, the one with the h/c.” Eddie’s grandmother said.

Eddie gave her a look of horror, “Grandma, she’s eighteen.”

“Above the legal age.”

“She’s kind of with Campbell.” Eddie said as Y/N helped put Campbell’s marker on of twenty-five and cupping his cheek.

“Get ready to mark your X for the last time as I give you contestants number twenty-five and twenty-six.” Francine said.

“She is nice lassie.” Eddie’s grandmother said, referring to Francine.

“For the final time, can you spot the loony?”

“How you don't ask her for date?” She asked Eddie.

“She's the one I was telling you about, the new DJ I'm training.” Eddie told her.

“She doesnae look crazy!” Eddie’s grandmother gasped.

“Do I know that guy?” Eddie asked, referring to contestant twenty-six.

“Can we have one without the glasses, Mr. Milligan?” A photographer asked.

“Curse! I knew the disguise wouldn't work!” Spike Milligan said, taking off the sunglasses.

“Try acting loonier.” Campbell said in fake sotto.

“What? For that I want money!” Spike Milligan teased and the audience and Campbell laughed as Y/N got on stage and hugged Spike Milligan, “you’re lucky, my granddaughter-in-law likes you so much.

“What!?” Campbell exclaimed.

“Do you mind being asked to play "Spot the Loony", Mr. Milligan?” A photographer asked.

“No. No. I do not mind being asked to play Spot the Loony. But…” Spike Milligan said in a slow, silly voice before dropping the voice, “I object to being called Spot!”

“She did it! The wee bastard got Spike Milligan!” Eddie beamed.

When they took the picture of the “Looneys”, Y/N cupped Campbell’s cheeks and pulled him in for a passionate kiss, shocking him until his hands went loosely to her hips as he kissed back. This was going to be their first kiss forever.

That night Campbell laid in Y/N’s bed as they shared lazy kisses, smiling like idiots.

“So, does this mean we’re together?” He asked.

“If… if you want.” She said, shyly.

“Oh my god, yes.” He said, kissing her.

“My… my trauma doesn’t scare you?” She asked.

“Does mine?”

“Mine’s… different, Cam. I…”

“Shh, shh, you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to.” He whispered, stroking her cheek, “we can just kiss.”

She gave him a smile and kissed him.

A few days later, they were in the studio while Fergus was out getting the newspaper.

“I'd like to thank all of you who turned out to support the team for Open Day on Saturday. And having raised a grand total of six-hundred-and-forty-three pounds and sixty-seven pence, plus an anonymous donation of five hundred pounds,” Eddie said into the microphone and Campbell fist bumped goofily and then gave Y/N a peck, having become very affectionate towards her since they started dating despite never having gone on a real date due to them being busy from the station and being patients in a mental institution, “from somebody with a lot of musical taste, we are still in business!”

Outside the studio, the patients applauded as the intro to the next song started, “I think you all deserve a big hand.”

Campbell took Y/N hands and swayed with her to the music before Fergus entered and he turned to him, excitedly, “Well?”

“We're in.” Fergus smiled.

“YES!” Campbell shouted, jumping up and down before grabbing Y/N’s hands and making her jump with him.

Fergus laid down the newspapers, “Daily Record, Evening Times, The Herald...”

Campbell picked up on and read the headline, proudly, “;Just a Pair of Loony Goons’!”

"‘Spike Milligan with Campbell Bain and Y/N L/N of Saint Jude's Hospital Radio’!” Eddie read.

“We've done it! We're on our way!” Campbell cheered as Y/N kissed his cheek before he turned his head and kissed her.

“Campbell, you are a genius.” Eddie said, ignoring this display.

“Genius? “ He turned to Rosalie as he threw the paper down, “She's the genius. Rosalie, we're on our way!” He excitedly went to hug Rosalie but she drew back and Campbell remembered and pulled back as well, “sorry.”

Rosalie debated with herself, mentally before pulling off one of her gloves and holding her hand out to Campbell as the others watched with interest before Campbell cautiously took Rosalie’s hand, shaking it.

Campbell delightedly then raked back his floppy hair and started dancing as Y/N, Francine, and Fergus joined in.

Y/N took over after Eddie and talked about a phone her cousin had given her to call in requests.

“Hey, what’s your request?” Y/N asked, cheerfully, high on the happiness Campbell positively exuded.

“Polly by Nirvana.” Said a low, whispery voice that chilled Y/N to her bones. “Did you get my letter, Polly?”

Y/N’s face paled and she suddenly bolted out of the studio, so Campbell took over.

After the show, Campbell entered Y/N’s room to find her sitting on her bed, staring at an open parcel when he walked over and he saw it was a copy of the newspaper with them on it, in red ink—or what she hoped happened to be some odd red ink that was somehow both dark and bright—was her face circled with Campbell's eyes crossed out and his face scribbled on. Above her circle said: I gotcha, babe. See you soon, Polly.

"Y/N/N, what's wrong?" Campbell asked, “Tell me what’s wrong? You sent you that?”

“He found me, Cam.” She cried, burying her face into his shoulder as he hugged her, protectively.