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suffering-and-happy-about-it · 4 years

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Like A Drug (Chop and Change, Part 6.)

Series descriprion: Twenty years ago, you’ve given a promise to a boy who claimed to imprint on you. Against your will, you decided to keep it and to visit La Push just to see if anything has changed.

Part summary: For two year’s you were trying to put up with the small troubles of the human day-to-day life and with a surprise visit in La Push, Seth is about to do something crazy.

A/N: Two parts to go! See you in the next time, folks, when we’ll play with the werewolves a bit more. Can’t wait for that!

Uh, to say it effectively - I mixed up the parts a bit last time, so the next one’s the shorter one.

Warning: It’s highly recommended to read the Football Time miniseries first since this contains an unlike pairing which is explained in the series, also the circumstances are given there.

Word counter: 6.1 K

Tagging: @nemodoren. @missdictatorme

Spotify playlist: ✨ Twilight Crackheads ✨

Series masterlist: H E R E

PICTURE SOURCE

You've stayed the night after the trip to the waterfalls you've planned, even if the house was empty in the morning because Seth had to wolf out, at least for the night... And you picked him from work at the kindergarten after that... And stayed the night again. Even if you planned on staying the nights at Cullen's house, at least at the beginning of everything, there was something empty and joyless inside you when you had to leave him for the night and the bigger part of the day. It was called 'missing someone' when you turned into a sad, whiny puppy. You knew that this was how it was to be - that you can't get too hung on his presence even if you wished to spend as much time with him as you could. You wanted to find some job as soon as you'd have the chance, even if you had quite some money saved in the bank, just to be financially helpful in a socially acceptable way.

For a few months, you were worried about your time with the man. Your brain still didn't figure out that Seth's human, this part was clear as a day to you, but you still didn't get to the part when you'd realize he's a human only partially. He was more human than you, but a mythical being nonetheless. It still didn't click, that you had the whole eternity in front of you that you can spend together. As long as he would be shifting to his wolf form, you didn't have to be worried that he'll age and... Won't be there one day. But it took time to master the information, it took a lot of time spent by his side while he was sleeping - the time you were staring into the ceiling, playing with his hair in the total silence of the rainy nights. Well... Except his snoring that was making sure he's okay and safe.

Seth didn't push you to do any sort of human things you didn't need to do - but you still ate food when you've been offered some, just for the good matters, which happened mainly at Sue's. There, you were playing a theatre for Bella's dad, who was still eyeing you suspiciously. You tried to breathe normally, to drink liquids as the other did, just so you wouldn't stick out too much. There was no 'weird vampire stuff' (as Seth called it) allowed in this man's presence. And while no-one, mainly the Quileute residents, commented on that you don't have to eat ever again, the people seemed to be pleased when they saw you chew on a piece of grilled meat or some of Emily's cakes.

The woman in question, Emily, was amazing in every meaning of the word. Since you had a load of time when Seth was at work and you didn't find any yet, you were spending a lot of time at Sam and Emily's, along with their small boy Elijah and Sakari, who was staying there the time, being babysitted. Since there was no need to keep who you were in secret, you did a lot of irresponsible stuff with him and Sakari, stuff that Aro would destroy you for - sometimes, you took them to the tops of the trees, other times, you ran around with the kids on your back and when there were the warm, sunny days, you showed him how beautiful can vampires be. And for that, the kids found a deep liking for you. You were just like uncle Emmett and you were as fun as him. Uh, you already knew he wouldn't be glad to hear that you stole his place of the La Push children's hero.

When you weren't too busy with showing the kids some pretty dangerous stuff, you were there to learn how to cook. Seth was telling you all the time that you don't have to cook for him; he could cook on his own before you settled down in La Push and was fine with continuing with doing so. Yet for you, there was something utterly exciting about seeing the finished product you made by yourself - just like when Emily taught you how to bake her legendary muffins and you slowly slid them out of the over for the first time. Or when she showed you many ways of how to prepare fish, which you kinda learned to make peace with Charlie.

Charlie Swan, the Forks ex-chief of police, still had a suspicion about you and your funky business, no matter what it was. Yet when you started to come on regular visits with food (normal, human, and delicious food) his suspicion was less wary. Sue also sometimes invited you for a cooking lesson, teaching you how to make her children's favorite recipes or to talk about their father, whatever you felt like. Honestly, she had never seen a vampire so keen on cooking and baking, but there was something magical about your eagerness to learn all of the secrets. For that, both of the women just took it as it was. You've been a nice company to keep around.

As usual, soon after you started living in La Push, Bella and Nessie came on a visit. They didn't come to see you and Seth, but you've met them at Sue's by a complete coincidence. And not so long after that, they've come back again. For a reason, they weren't sitting alone in the car - Carlisle was sitting on the backseat, grinning at you as the car stopped in front of the Cullen residence. And Esme somehow fit into the car as well. She happily jumped out on the other side of the car, having a big smile on her face. - "Surprise!" - The woman cried out and went for a firm hug. Oh Lord, she could smell it right away. From your clothes, from your hair, from your scent - you smelled like one of the shifters. Just like Emmett said. - "You are a surprise, I tell you that." - You hugged her back, stepping aside to hug Carlisle as well.

With a chatter, all of you disappeared inside. It took you by a surprise when you realized they not only came to Forks without telling you beforehand - but that Sam and Emily knew about them - because they've been invited them on the Sunday brunch at their place. It was given they'll come there since Nessie couldn't wait to see Claire and Quil, with whom she spent a big portion of her childhood. Who were the Cullens not to show up? - "And where is Seth? We were hoping to see him." - Esme asked with a sweet smile, making both your eyebrows rise at the same time.

The topic had caught Bella's attention. A normal human wouldn't realize she's listening, but you knew, since she sent a glance your way. - "Oh, he's at work today, but he'll come later. They're on a trip with the class today and we'll be on our way to Emily when he picks me up." - "So you don't have work yet?" - Esme answered. Sure, it could sound like Esme is having some ill intentions with this question, but she was just wondering, trying to make some small talk. - "I told myself that I want to learn how... To do the normal human stuff first. I'm still terrible at it, even after two damn years." - You told her quickly. Esme could understand what did you mean. - "But unfortunately, I don't know if we make it to Sam's this Sunday. We have some plans." - At that, Bella glanced over you once again before watching Nessie doing her homework.

"We've already talked to Seth. He told us you're gonna be there, well, he's the one who invited us. Oh, I hope I didn't ruin you a surprise or something, Seth wouldn't be glad at that." - Something was going on. No-one in the house knew what it was, but something was happening behind the curtains. And you didn't know if you are a fan of that. Seth wasn't the man who would have plans behind your back - let alone plans with the Cullens. Every time there was something upcoming or going, the man just walked up to you, talked to you, and asked if that's fine. To which you usually answered that it's fine. - "No, I don't think so. He's just busy in the last few weeks, Jake and he started to work on a car together, he's in work a lot, maybe he just didn't find the time to ask me about Sunday or just forgot about it. Our plans can wait a week or two we'll be glad to see you at the family grill party." - As Esme listened to you talking like that - especially when you called Sam and Emily 'a family' -, there was a smile growing on her heart-shaped face. Carlisle walked from behind the woman kissing Esme on her temple, smiling at you the same way.

It was nice. Even if you weren't their child, these two were happy to see you finally... Having a life, building something for yourself. Until that point, you've been just surviving. You were alone, without a partner and any solid future. Sure, you and Seth were still kind of fresh and certainly unconventional from a few points of view - but Carlisle nor Esme hadn't seen you this happy before. Sure, you've been the same for a few centuries now, whether it was the mental or the physical side of you, but it were the details around you which told them that most likely, you've finally found your place among these people. From all of the places you've been at throughout the immortal life, from all the people you've met, you've waited for the longest. Now, it was your time to be happy. This was your place and after more than four centuries of wandering, you finally found it.

There was the fact that you shamelessly wore his shirts, for which Alice would most likely scold you like a kid, the small bracelet made out of small leather strips, the words you used to describe the Quileutes, and small sparkles in your eyes each time you mentioned Seth by his name or simply thought about him.

You've stayed at Cullen's until a small, old Rabbit stopped in front of it. It was Jake's old, and first car, which Seth had bought from him a shit ton years ago. It was at the time when Sue and Lee left the Clearwater residence to live their lives and Seth was just about to renovate the old family house, so Jacob gave him the car for free basically because the man didn't have much money at the time. And yes, you had your new and expansive car, but there was something you couldn't name about Seth's bad boy. Maybe it was the nostalgic feeling you had when you sat on the co-driver's seat? You didn't know. It couldn't go fast, but you didn't make Seth give the car away.

You waited for him with a big smile, watching him running through another wave of ice-cold rain, grinning as he did so. With almost a heroic lower lip biting, he threw the denim jacket he held over his head over his shoulder, leaning down for a kiss. It was an attempt to charm you, but it didn't work at all. - "Genius move, you've just wettened yourself." - You hummed unpleasantly, looking at the way his hair was growing. If you'd wait not even a month, it would be twice as long. Was this a wolf thing too? - "We'll need to shorten it. Your fur might get thick if we don't. How was it at work?" - With a chatter, you led him through the house on a dinner, which you prepared with Esme. The only ones eating was him and Nessie; for a moment, he was looking at you funny, before he realized you don't have to eat in a house full of vampires.

Bella couldn't believe her eyes. Well, you couldn't be mad at her - she still remembered Seth as the small, thin boy with a bright smile and gentle facial features. The smile and kind gaze still could be seen, yet he was not a boy anymore. And yes, there was some sort of subliminal jitters coming from your man every time he realized once more that he's in the presence of the Cullens. Whether it was about something particular or if it was about just that he was sitting in a house full of vampires, you couldn't decode his behavior. And just because you didn't want to pressure him, you didn't ask, even when you got back home.

As planned, without your consent, you set to Emily's house party on Sunday. Just to find out... - "You're going where?" - You asked as you looked at Seth, who was preparing a set of... - "I'm going fishing. Why are you looking at me like that?" - He wondered, kissing your cheek as he walked to the kitchen, packing sandwiches and some hot tea with him. - "And with who?" - You asked once more, furrowing more than before. - "With doctor Cullen. What's wrong?" - The man giggled at your confusion, closing the packed bag with waterproof clothes and put galoshe on his feet. - "It's just one evening and you've been at Emily's a thousand times, you'll be just fine. How long have you been living here, hm?" - Seth carefully opened his arms for you, smiling as you slowly walked closer to him. It was automatic at that point - to gently grip his ink-black hair with your fingers while he nudged your belly with his nose.

First, you rolled your eyes, but then you sighed and answered the simple question. - I'm living here for almost two years. It's just... I didn't even know you're planning on taking me to Emily's this Sunday. I thought we're going on that hike you promised. The one around the river." - It was barely a whisper, but the man heard it. At first, he didn't answer - his lips just gently kissed you through the fabric of your clothes. - "I just forgot to tell you. I'm sorry about the hike, but we can plan it any other weekend, baby. Carlisle will be here again... God knows when. And I need to talk to him." - Seth did the best puppy eyes you've seen on his face until that day, making your heart soften as your lips curled to a smile. - "About what?" - You wondered, but Seth just chuckled drily at the question, not telling you another word. Shortly after the conversation, you've been watching both the men leaving on their small fishing trip before joining Bella, Esme, Nessie, and your other friends from the reservation.

***

Carlisle wasn't blind, so he knew that something was going on when Seth, the lovely Seth who had a problem with keeping his mouth shut, was quiet the whole drive to Charlie and Harry's former fishing spot. Harry used to say that at this spot, there was never an instance where Harry would be coming back empty-handed. The doctor could feel Seth's pressure and heartbeat rising as they got closer and closer to the woods. - "Is everything going alright?" - Carlisle asked after another moment of silence. The man turned his head at Carlisle with widened eyes, almost as if he freaked out. - "Yes. There's nothing wrong... And you?" - Seth asked without realizing that the vampire can hear all the changes inside his body, like his increasing breath and the pumping of his heart.

The first half an hour was uncomfortable for both of them. Seth did his best to copy Harry's style of catching fish. The old man taught him how to prepare every small thing before he passed away - the bait, to control the line, make sure the hook was fine as well. They both brought the typical fisherman chairs on which they sat as they waited for their catches. - "Y/N will be out of her mind if I manage to catch something. She's trying to make a good impression on Charlie, Bells' dad, and he simply loves the food she brings him. Fish are his favorite." - Seth rambled when his mind figured out that they've been too quiet. Carlisle didn't answer, but gave Seth a small smile - he knew the man's struggling with some question, but Carlisle wasn't the type to try to get it out of Seth. He preferred to let the natural flow go. - "It's been a surprise when she told us she can cook now." - "Oh, you don't have an idea how good she cooks. I swear that she'll make me gain another thirty pounds in no time." - Seth leaned lower into his seat, having a dreamy smile on his face. For some time, Seth was just thinking about all of the delicious dishes you've been spoiling him with - just before he abruptly turned his eyes to Carlisle. The blonde vampire was already looking at him.

"I just want to ask you about something. That's why I've come up with a fishing trip... Even if it has to be incredibly boring for someone like you." - The younger man explained to Carlisle. Yet vampire's face curled up into a pleasant smile as he looked on the resting fishing rod. - "I haven't been fishing in a long time. It's a pleasant change for once, to just... Relax." - And it was true. Carlisle loved relaxing, normal activities - like reading, learning about the culture and new things, or fishing. He was thinking about having some of these trips with Esme if she'd be interested. - "What's the question, young man?" - Carlisle asked after checking his rod to see if something happened. - "You don't have any fish there just yet, doctor... I'll tell you when some bad boy catches on the bait, okay?" - Seth said with a smile, quickly checking on his one as well.

Dear Lord, it was so embarrassing and hard to just... Say these words out loud. Seth barely struggled with anything - he was an opened book for other people, he was extrovert and overall happy at any given moment he could be happy at. There was nothing that would scare him more than what he was about to say. - "There's this thing I'm thinking about... In the last few months. And before, there was decorum which said 'if you want to marry a woman, you have to ask her father'." - Oh, so this was the nervosity about. Carlisle smiled pleasantly, looking at Seth who could barely speak. - "And since she doesn't have one and you're one of her best and oldest friends, I thought it will be the same if I ask you." - With that, Seth stood up with respect in his posture, looking at Carlisle. Just for the moment, Carlisle stood up as well. Truly, it couldn't look any funnier - a werewolf was asking a vampire, who was his girlfriend's best friend, to marry her on a fishing trip, when both of them were dressed utterly indecent for the occasion. But the effort Seth had was the thing to cherish and appreciate.

"So, Carlisle Cullen, I would like to ask you if you give me your blessing to marry your best friend Y/N. I swear that I'll take care of her, that I'll cherish her until the rest of my days, and that no-one will ever be more important for me than her. And I swear to do so until I stop breathing." - The boy was muttering the promises above his breath. This was just as ridiculous as it was cute. First off, Carlisle got why he was asking him for permission, but Carlisle wasn't you. You were the one Seth should ask. And... It was also very outdated. Maybe Seth did just because you, yourself, were pretty old and he just wanted to honor it. - "Of course you can marry her, Seth." - Carlisle answered. At first, it almost seemed to be a mocking answer - yet that was forgotten as the vampire opened his arms for the man. - "Welcome to the family." - Carlisle said to him silently, hugging him for a second.

If Carlisle would think about it from a few points of view, you were a part of the family. Maybe something like his sister, someone, who did all the crazy things with his children. That was exactly who you were. But for now, Carlisle accepted the role. Which one? The one in which he was responsible for you. The only thing he hoped was that you won't kill anyone until the moment the said responsibility will be given to Seth. He didn't want to chat with Aro that much.

The rest of the trip was just lovely - Seth taught Carlisle some pro tips the shifter was taught by Harry, he showed the vampire everything with a nasty smile and talked most of the time. This was the man Carlisle knew. Now, he was grown up, but it was still the same one. When they rode back to Sam's house, everyone was doing just fine - both you and Esme had your faces covered in wild splashes of colors and eyeshadows. - "What happened here?" - Seth kissed your cheek and carried Emily one bag of fish he and Carlisle caught. - "We were just painting with Sakari, Elijah, and Flo. The kids enjoyed themselves." - Esme said with a big smile. - "I'm supposed to be a princess." - You said. Well, one of your eyes looked that you got punched and your nose was covered with red and yellow stripes. Seth looked at you, trying to see something. - "Of course, you are." - The man whispered, even if there was not a single thing which would remind him of a princess.

Normally, Seth shifted every two weeks - since you were alone and he got hold on your smell and presence pretty easily, it wasn't that hard to figure out how to lower the number of shifting. But now, there were three more vampires. Even Jake and Sam had to change into their wolf formes when Cullens left the city. When Seth knew he'll have to take his pause in the woods, you planned to go on a hunt, so you would be both occupied during the otherwise lonely day when the house was empty.

As you both thought, over time and practice, the smells soon stopped to bother as much as they did at the beginning. Sure, it was whole two years, but over time, you barely registered it was there. And the less you could smell it, the less you smelled it as Sam's, Jake's, or at Ateara's, where you started to go quite often as well. Just when Seth was taking one of his long baths after a wolf weekend, you were sitting on the bed with an old laptop on your thighs, going through some job offers in La Push or near it. Little did you know that your man had a surprise for you - and it was a big one. Which you realized when he climbed out of the hot tub while having a big-ass grin on his face. You already knew that one. - "What?" - You mumbled without looking away from the screen, reading through the advertisements by an eyebrow-raising speed. - "Do you have some time now?" - The man asked while drying his hair with a towel, walking around only in another towel on his waist. Usually, it meant just the thing that was on your mind, but not this time.

Oh, dear Lord, you still had vividly in your mind what happened the first time... The 'thing' happened. The evening was more or less one long foreplay - a long walk on the beach, roses, and candles when you came back to the house, romantic music to get the mood on... It was magical, it sure was. And it worked for you. With a smile, you let the man kiss you and make you sure that this was the night you'll make things official. After a year of worries and excuses, you decided to be brave and to trust him. Seth was sure you won't hurt him... But just when you were in the best part, you've heard something crack. First, you thought it was the bed, but as soon as you saw Seth in utter pain, you realized it was not the wood. While having another panic attack, you drove him to the hospital and with tears in your eyes. Once more, you were in the hysterical state and the whole time, your voice was cracking.

What the fuck have you done? How could you even break his bones during something like sex? It took him a long time of making compromises, dates, and patience to make you sure it will be okay if you guys just... It was natural to make love. But no matter how hard you teased him about breaking his bones during the act, you never thought it will be true. Well, you were the one to blame since you didn't hold back, but... Seth told you over and over again that he's "durable" and "indestructible" and you, being the dumb schmuck, believed him. Voila, there you were with Seth having one of his ribs broken. How did that happen, you had no idea - but you barely let him kiss you for a few months after that.

He thought it was just a funny story - and everyone else in La Push thought so as well. But you were too afraid to hurt him by accident again. Sure, his rib was fine after not even a month, yet... What could you break next? His back? Pelvis? Jaw? No way in hell this young man was laying his palms on you anytime soon. Over time, he talked you down for trying it again - resolving in nothing more than a bumped wrist. But at least, nothing was broken this time. Slowly, you found your way how to do it without hurting him on accident. And ever since, it was both fun and exciting each time. Yet now, you were surfing the web and didn't look up from the laptop. - "I'm not in the mood today." - You muttered and bit your bottom lip, reading another advertisement.

"Did I even suggest something?" - Seth wondered, still looking down on you. With an uptight expression, you pointed at him walking around it nothing but a towel before turning back to the laptop once more. - "I've just climbed out of the tub, you're reckless today, I tell you that. Damn. What's stressing you out, hm?" - Carefully, the man sat next to your legs, glancing over the screen. - "I'm looking over the job offers in La Push, but the nearest jobs I'm interested in are in Port Angeles. I don't wanna drive an hour and a half back every damn day. Not that I sleep... But you catch my drift." - You explained shortly, smoothing his shoulder while still clicking through different offers. You were almost at the end of the page... Fuck.

"Luckily for you, ma'am, I got you a present." - Seth slowly closed the laptop with a smug smile. - "But you'll have to dress before we can go." - With that, his palm gently smacked your upper thigh as he picked himself up from the bed. - "What does this have to do with job offers?" - But now, Seth had his lips sealed - he only shook his head so you could be sure he ain't telling you a thing. Jesus, he could be so secretive at times. With a groan, you did pick yourself up from the bed and took out one of the old pairs of jeans and one of the flannel shirts you've stolen him over the time. - "It's raining there, so, take a coat or something." - Seth advised you with a smile, dressing up as well. It gave you a lot of pain not to roll your eyes, yet your lips copied him, curving into a smile.

Sometimes, you could forget the basic human things, as you called it. Yes, you were doing your best, but there were still things you ignored. Like heavy rain, for example. It wasn't that unusual to find you in cold, heavy rain in the raging storm... Just being on a hike in a t-shirt and shorts. That could give some older people the creeps. So even if you were one of the more percipient vampires, there were moments like these. - "On it. Try to hurry up." - You winked back. - "Oh, and we're taking my car." - Seth cried out after you. When you furrowed at him, he laughed loudly. - "No way in hell you're riding when I am the one who has a surprise. You'd be ruining the suspense." - The man swiftly smacked your ass, letting you walk to his car. The man himself ran out of the door with a childish smile on his life just moments after you, starting the old Rabbit with excited shivers. You'd swear that you never have seen him being so overjoyed with something. He was in good mood all the damn time, but this was... A little scary, even for you.

He drove closer to La Push downtown - this town had barely some downtown. It was more like houses spread along the local road in woods, where the trees were sparse - ended up with a beach. The First Beach, to be particular. Maybe the most visited place in the whole town was the local market - by both the locals and the tourists coming from Forks. That was it. That's why you loved La Push. It wasn't hectic, everyone knew everyone here, it was one big family - the grandpas of the people living there knew each other since they were toddling around in diapers. That was the level of how much the people knew each other.

Seth's old Rabbit stopped in front of one of the houses near the First Beach. You could hear the waves crashing into the sand, the seagulls were shouting and all the trees were... Creaking in under the strength of the wind. The house itself was small and it sure as hell needed some care. - "Well, come on." - Seth bit his lower lips and jumped out of the car, making sure you fit under his umbrella as well. - "What are we doing here?" - You mumbled as he led you to the front door. The house. Why did you get an uncertain feeling that the surprise was somehow connected to the house? With a smile of a small boy, he fished out the keys wrapped with a small bow, rising them enough to ring them in the wind. You accepted the keys, still not sure about what you were doing there.

With fear in your expression, you unlocked the door and walked inside. It was in a worse state from the inside than from the outside. It was a miracle the house was still standing. As you looked all over the place, it was obvious that whoever was owning the house before Seth bought it, they left it a long time ago. The paint was falling off the walls, the floors were dusty, the windows were broken... The electricity didn't work anymore for God knew how long and there was some strange stench in the air. - "So, what do you... Think?" - Seth asked as he watched you walk around the room uptightly, with your throat dry. How much did he spend on this house? And why didn't he save the money... You didn't know, maybe for a new car? - "I don't know what we'll be doing here? Do you want to move out of Harry's house?" - You wondered quietly because you didn't like the idea of moving out of the Clearwater family house. You got used to the house and you loved it. It was filled with history, family love, and the overall good feeling.

Yet Seth didn't give up so easily - he shook his head frantically and looked past you. - "Listen, we'll have a lot of work here, for sure, but I thought that here, you can have a small waiting room. And reception? I don't know. And here, we'll build a wall, so there can be the surgery room?" - With that, he put his both palms on his hips, leaving out a sigh. It took you a moment before you realized why did Seth buy the small house by the beach. Suddenly, you breather in as your brain connected two dots. - "You want me to start a vet office here?" - With that, you ran to Seth just to hug him, almost bringing him down to the ground. Happy sounds were coming out of your mouth the whole time, which was the only thing that made him realize how you're feeling. - "Oh my God." - When you let him go, you wandered around the old house once more, now imagining where will you be putting the things. It was his time to do the main reason he dragged you to the ruin.

"There can be cute posters of animals... Do you know which ones I mean? And flowers. A whole lot of them. A bowl of sweets for the kids who come with their hamster or guinea piggies, right here, in the receptionist's table. Seth, I love you so much." - You turned at your boyfriend with a big even a bigger smile as you went to hug him - but you turned to Seth on one knee. Your eyes widened in surprise and suddenly, you couldn't talk or do anything else. Your mouth hung open as you stared at him. - "What are you doing?" - You whispered with a small hint of hysteria in your voice before shutting off completely.

For a second, Seth was watching you with his warm, brown eyes before he rose one of his corners to smile at you. It was happening. It was... You weren't dreaming. - "Y/N Y/L/N, it's almost two years since the moment you came to fulfill your promise. And not even for a second, I thought that you weren't the one for me. Ever since... Ever since you moved in, it was the happiest time of my life. When I think of you, I can't wait just to be with you, in your arms again, my heart feels warm and safe... Every day, I can't wait to just to hear from you and be with you. And because of all those reasons and a whole lot more which I can barely express in words. I want to ask you, with the blessing of your best friend, if you'd make me the happiest man on the earth. Will you marry me?"

Yet even when he was done with the speech, you were still standing in front of him and panicked internally, while still having your mouth opened and eyes widened. You hadn't moved an inch - you became a statue. No words were coming to your mind, you didn't move, you did barely breathe. It was a complete shutdown. Of course, you wanted to jump at him and say you will marry him. There was no possibility that you'd refuse his proposal. - "Is everything okay?" - Seth picked himself up from kneeling on the dirty floor, slowly closing the small box. With a shy, hurt smile the man approached you and smoothed your face. - "It's okay if you don't want to. If it's too soon... I just felt that it's the right time, but it was just my feeling." - Now, you threw him off the rails too. Great. Just great. While he was rambling, you finally managed to wake yourself up and answer the question. Your palm found his as you looked him in the eyes.

"Of course I will." - You whispered into his chaotic words. At first, it almost seemed he couldn't hear you, but then you both stared back at each other in silence. - "Of course." - You smiled and palmed both his jaws. - "Seth, you're the best thing that happened to me. I know I'm confusing and difficult at times, but you can put up with all of that. You've accepted me for who I am, even when you had to wait for twenty years. I've never felt home nor I've belonged anywhere in this world. You've changed that." - You've cried out when he picked you up so suddenly you forgot how to breathe.

There was a second when you both observed the ring on your left hand, just before you sneakily led your palm on his jacket, pulling him down for a kiss. Before he realized you're undressing him, it was too late, and to be honest, he didn't want you to stop doing whatever you were about to do. - "Didn't you say you're not in the mood?" - A short whisper filled the room as you almost tore your raincoat off you. - "Oh, shut up." - You answered back, laughing with happiness.

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musedblues · 4 years

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Always Something There To Remind Me [Part: 4]

summary: Home is where the heart is. You’re working on finding yours. After a handful of misfortunes, your old friend Joe helps to unravel life’s greatest mystery while adding a bit of extra grief to the mix.

warnings: Some fun, a little angst, and a whole lot of mixed feeling!

w/c: 6k

a/n: We’ve reached the halfway mark of this story! I hope you enjoy this update. Let me know what you think, lovies!

taglist: @im-an-adult-ish @mrsmazzello @lettinggosthehardestpart @the-moving-finger-writes @imtheinvisiblequeen

Part 5

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The spring was blossoming to life and after your fair share of sulking, you went on the hunt for a job. Funeral expenses and travel had cleaned out your account, and you needed income. In the local mall, you scored part-time at a tiny flower shop. A lovely couple of old men owned the place and handled deliveries, insisting your only job was to sit behind the register and wait for customers to buy something.

There were plenty of shoppers, but even more spare time to listen to podcasts and text Tegan. You were in the middle of sending your friend photos of the floral arrangement one of your bosses let you mess around with over lunch break, when a familiar voice floated past your counter.

“Oh my God!”

Lacy Duval was standing in front of you with a strangely excitable grin and a perfect ponytail flowing from underneath a Yankees ballcap. Oh my God was right.

“Hello, Lacy.” You gave her a cagey smile. There was no reason not to be polite, but something about the girl really got under your skin.

“I saw you here on my way to Urban Outfitters and I couldn’t not say hello.” The girl was pretty. It almost blinded you to look right at her. But she’d taken to leaning against the counter to shove her smile in your face.

“Well, hello.” You offered once more. “Please, don’t let me get in the way of your shopping.” You nearly plead, glancing past her, willing another customer to show up.

“Oh, no I work at Urban. I totally don’t mind clocking in a few minutes late.” Lacy giggled like this was some kind of big, secret, inside joke. You only let out a very nervous chuckle, afraid if you opened your mouth again you would be a little too rude. Lacy leaned against your register for five solid minutes, gabbing on about the mall and the people she worked with and how she’d never see you here before. All while looking over her shoulder and around yours, like she had somewhere better to be. That’s what stopped you from dropping your guard and actually listening to what Lacy had to drone on about.

She left with a reluctant sigh and you wondered how she justified talking to you for so long with absolutely nothing to say. You shook it off in a hurry, going back to your texts with Tegan and selling a few promposal bouquets near the end of your shift.

Except after then, something horrific happened. For the next two weeks, Lacy kept coming in to say hello. Every. Single. Day. She even learned your schedule and made a habit of stopping in to greet you before her shifts across the mall started. And for a while, you didn’t totally mind the tradition. She kept it up so long, with a pleasant smile. She must have really wanted to talk to you, right? But by her fifth visit, her all too obvious intentions were finally brought to light.

“So how’s Joe, then?” Lacy kept her smile wide and her eyes glued on yours.

“Oh, you know, some kind of superstar.” You half-joked, almost through your teeth. Joe was off with his castmates, winning awards and attending red carpet parties. You couldn’t have been happier for him. He deserved a bit of fun after the winter was so cruel. You just didn’t like that Lacy was asking.

“He’s always been popular but he’s properly famous now, isn’t he?” Lacy pointed out, giddy. “Every time I post a photo with him I swear I gain at least a hundred more followers!” She practically swooned.

It took every ounce of your strength not to throw your head back and groan out loud. Yeah, he was an actor. Yeah, he was good- and recognized for it. You’d had this conversation more times with more people than you ever really realized was possible. And if ever he dared mention your old pal, Kris always referred to Joe as “that famous friend of yours.” Was Joe’s celebrity really all that mattered to anyone? What about his favorite Chinese food, or his theory about the end of Easy Rider? He was a motherfucking person.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get much worse, it got so much worse.

You had just closed up shop, paying no mind to the last-minute mall rats who still bustled around the other open storefronts. Before you could make your way too far past the flower shop, someone tapped you on the shoulder.

It was Joe, who proceeded to wrap you in a big hug the moment you registered his surprise presence.

He was gone for what felt like longer than ever before, but he looked way more happy to see you now, than the last time you reunited. You threw your arms around his shoulders and he lifted you off the ground for a moment, exchanging merry hello’s.

“Alright, alright! We have a guest.” Joe set you back on your feet, gesturing to a very tall and happy looking fellow you recognized from many photos.

“Gwilym.” You proudly smiled up to him, confirming you knew of him well enough to be happy to see him here now.

“Y/n!” He pointed at you, as if this meeting were a long time coming.

Joe went on to explain how Gwilym had been staying with him the past couple of days after all the press tours and premiers were over. And how they drove all the way back here to Joe’s measly hometown because his mother insisted they both stop over for brunch, so she could get the chance to see Joe’s friend. Apparently, she adored Gwilym. You could see why, even just having met the guy, he oozed a certain gentle charm.

Joe knew to find you here at the mall, because you’d kept up your promise of sending the occasional text message update when something more than mundane happened in each of your lives. You listened to him and Gwilym yammer on about how exciting the past couple of months had been for them, taking a beat to notice how good Joe looked. There was a light in his eyes you hadn’t seen since you’d been back in the states.

And then you saw her. Lacy was leaving her shift down the way. You watched her realize just exactly who was talking to you, stop, and turn in a very big hurry in your direction.

“Joey!” She shrieked, rushing up to your best friend. Gwilym was practically shoved aside by the girl on her mission to invade Joe’s personal space. What was even more unsettling was how Joe seemed glad to see her. He pulled her into a friendly embrace that she squealed during. Even though you and Gwilym had just met, the two of you shared a befuddled expression trying to reason why you’d both been left on the sidelines all of a sudden.

Even when Joe pointed to Gwilym, introducing the strangers to each other, Lacey didn’t dare turn her gaze from Joe. She didn’t miss a beat as she went on saying;

“I’m so glad you’re here! So listen, my sisters are throwing this big party and I promised them I’d get you to come. I wanna show you off!” Lacy swayed in place, looking up to Joe through her fake lashes.

“Oh, wow uh sure, when is it?” Joe smiled, pulling his phone from his pocket as you crossed your arms, realizing you were invisible to her now. Lacy gave Joe the details and had the nerve to sweep her eyes over you as she skipped away. What the fuck? She’d spent all month popping in to “say hello” to little old you, but now that Joe was around you’d become irrelevant. She was only trying to get to Joe and you knew it all along, but you were still fuming at her disregard for you during the past couple minutes.

“That was weird.” Joe realized with a shrug, watching Lacy walk away. You knew if you responded you’d only blow a gasket, and luckily Joe was interested in moving on. Gwilym stood watching on in near comical horror as Joe snapped everyone back to business.

“Alright, listen this is very important.” Joe grabbed your shoulders, wearing another hopeful grin. “I want you to come back and stay with us, this weekend. But the thing is you need to say yes right now, cause we’ve got to leave right now.” Joe nodded. You realized he was serious or he wouldn’t have tracked you down at the mall, with the excitable, dashing Gwilym in tow.

///

Gwilym was put to work charming the socks off your mother as Joe raced you up the stairs to help pack your bags. He was desperate to make it to some very specific pizza place before it closed for the night. You just laughed as he threw your clothes into an old JanSport, before stealing it from his grasp to finish packing your thing; full of mostly new clothes you splurged on with your first big paycheck. As you packed them to wear, you felt strangely like life was finally taking a turn for the better.

When you scurried back down the stairs, Gwilym had managed to make a cup of tea and was busy trading some recipe with your mother who was sad to see him go. Joe rushed the pair of you out the door and off onto an adventure.

Gwilym insisted you take the passenger seat on the way to the city and begged you to expose the depths of your Spotify playlist, from the back. The car ride was spent laughing about the musical phases you’d all gone through, and rocking out to the classics everyone loved.

“Hey, this is fun.” It hit you as you gazed at the cars zooming past the speed limit on either side of the freeway, and you didn’t feel usually dreadful. You let the comment slip out without thinking about it, without thinking of Gwilym in the back who might have wondered why you’d be shocked to find a road trip suddenly appealing.

But Joe knew, and he smiled as if to disguise a frown. He seemed to get this same strange look on his face when you even slightly alluded to your recent past.

“John told me what happened, why didn’t you?” Joe asked, quietly, worriedly.

Oh, yeah. Your car slid off the road last month.

“I didn’t want to make a big deal about it.” You shrugged, almost too much like a little kid. But you caught a glimpse of Gwilym in the back, pretending not to notice the shift in conversation. So you reached to turn the music up, and Joe reached for your hand.

Then you all declared this weekend was to be dedicated to nothing but having fun.

///

You made it to the city in time to hurry into Joe’s favorite pizza place an hour before closing, where you and Gwilym played the basic twenty questions of getting to know each other. And there was no stopping the way you each roasted Joe into oblivion, making him laugh all the while.

Joe’s apartment looked different than it had in all the photos you’d seen. The walls were decorated in old family photos and there were plenty of knickknacks you recognized from the years gone by, and some you didn’t. Stepping foot into his home felt strangely invasive, and you felt funny for wishing you’d been here more times than just this once.

You thought it was only natural that Gwilym took the only guest bedroom. The guy was one hundred feet tall, and you had no business taking up Joes spare California King. But Gwilym insisted the couch was just fine by him, and it was a big sofa after all. All of his bags seemed to be resting in an armchair nearby, anyhow. You couldn’t justify arguing, and soon you were shutting yourself into the spare room with sleep on your mind.

That was until rain pelted against the sealed window next to you, and you swore you saw a draft blew the blinds back. You cursed your hasty packing. You’d only grabbed an oversized tshirt instead of a sweater. After a moment of bringing your bare knees to your chest to get warm, desperate times called for desperate measures.

The apartment was dark, and Gwilym was peacefully sleeping on the L shaped sofa, borrowed knitted throw blankets decorated across his form. The glow from the streetlamp outside the kitchen window provided enough light for you to tiptoe toward Joe’s room, where soft yellow light seeped through the bottom of the door. Was he still up, too?

You knocked softly, in case he was asleep and your silly request wasn’t meant to matter. But you heard a shuffled from close beyond the door, and soon it creaked open.

“What’s up?” Joe asked, seemingly a little surprised to see you, but it was hard to read his face in the dim doorway.

“I just forgot a sweatshirt. Could I borrow one?” You asked sheepishly, folding your arms out of shyness and a bit of a chill.

“Yeah of course.” Joe breathed in sharply, turning on his feet toward his closet. The door creaked open further and you noticed Joe rub his eyes, before reaching to grab an old college sweatshirt. What was up with him tonight?

“Hey…” You cautiously began, slipping into the room and clicking the door shut. “Are you alright?” You padded toward your friend as he barely turned toward the sound of your voice.

“Uh,” Joe seemed to decide as he gently shoved his sweatshirt toward your grasp. You instinctively held it to your chest but dropped it the moment Joe turned away and started drifting toward his bed. Before he could totally answer your question he started to cry. The second you registered his snivels you darted toward where Joe stood quickly falling to piece. Then he began to explain himself.

“We said our goodbyes and everything, I shouldn’t still be so sad.” Joe croaked, covering his face with his hands so you couldn’t see his broken expression. But you felt the weight of his sadness stomp your heart out.

“You just miss him, Joe. It’s okay to miss him.” You missed his dad too, but saying so seemed selfish. Joe was still catching his breath under his hands as you pulled him toward his bed where the covers were already turned down.

You laid him down and wasted no time curling up next to him, pulling his head toward your shoulder. Joe sheepishly latched onto you while he steadied his breathing, and neither of you spoke. You just smoothed down his hair while he grabbed onto you. Joe was stronger than before.

“You are cold.” Joe noticed, chucking a little into your hair. But you sort of forgot your reason for coming in his room or the goosebumps that decorated your bare legs. You were completely comfortable in his arms. His embrace made you warmer than any sweatshirt ever could. You felt attached to him, but simultaneously cautious of the affection, you didn’t deserve this kind of all-encompassing comfort. Why was Joe’s embrace so much more multiplexed than it had been some odd years ago?

Joe was quiet, but the silence was heavy with whatever was on his mind. You could tell he wanted to say something more, but he never did. You lay together in understanding silence, trying to unravel your tangled thoughts about it all. But the effort made you tired and you drifted off there with Joe.

You woke up later, completely unsure of the time, but noticing the sun had yet to rise. Joe was still lying against you, now in peaceful sleep. You almost felt bad for squirming out from under him. You would hate to disrupt him, and his body was warm against yours. But you knew you couldn’t stay. Tiptoeing toward his door, you scooped up the previously abandoned college sweatshirt, squeezed through the door and back down the hall to the guest room. It was still cold, maybe even colder now.

///

Later that morning you awoke to a clattering from the kitchen. You slid some short on under Joe’s sweatshirt and ran your fingers through your hair before padding out of the guest room to discover what was happening.

Joe and Gwil were dressed for the day, drifting around the kitchen, arguing over something like an old married couple.

“Good morning mom and dad.” You snickered, grabbing your bottle of water from the night before, and watching Joe and his friend point to the oven. Joe shot you a look but turned his gaze back to Gwilym to finish the argument.

“If the fork comes out clean, it’s ready!” Joe pointed to the oven.

“Yeah, but you stuck it in the side, not the middle! You gotta go for the middle!” Gwilym argued. You took a sip of water and watched on in amusement. Had they really woken up and headed straight into baking something?

Joe turned to you, making some kind of whine as if pleading for you to help him prove his point. But Gwilym was right.

“He’s right.” You pointed your bottle toward Gwil who proudly sauntered behind the island to join you there.

“Ha!” Gwilym boasted.

“Ha? That’s the best you’ve got?” Joe playfully jabbed.

“It’s Welsh for ‘fuck off I’m right.’” Gwilym falsely reported, trying to save his comeback. Hey, that was good. You might steal that one. Joe laughed but looked at you with that same funny little micro-expression like he couldn’t choose between horror or sadness. But you couldn’t help go on smiling.

“You’re from there, right? Wales?” You moved your eyes toward Gwilym, who leaned against the counter toward you.

“Well no. Me mum is. I’m a fraud.” Gwil rose a brow and made you chuckle.

“Well, that’s a shame. We could have had our own secret language.” You gently admitted. Gwil kept a curious eye on you as he moved to sit next to you.

“You speak Welsh?” He asked, reaching for his cup of coffee across the island.

“I lived there for a while.” You shrugged.

“What the hell! Joe’s talked for ages about you but never mentioned that.” Gwilym cast a befuddled glance to Joe across the room. Joe talked about you back when you weren’t talking to each other? He was occupying himself with putting a couple of dishes away. You couldn’t read his face when he stepped closer toward the opposite side of the island. Joe responded by lifting his phone in the air and snapping a photo of you and Gwilym in the middle of the morning lit kitchen.

“What was that for?” Gwilym laughed.

“Something to remember you by when the oven catches on fire because we left this damn dessert in too long.” Joe fanned his hands around. You laughed out loud, utterly delighted to be amidst the chaos. You’d missed this side of Joe. His wit and spunk had sort of all but fizzled out through the winter. It was nice to see he hadn’t lost his touch.

The photo he took was accidentally wonderful. The bright kitchen looked like heaven around you and Gwilym, sleepily leaning on the counter.

“I’ve got to post this! Or do you want too?” Gwilym asked, pointing to the picture on your phone. You had an Instagram but scarcely used the platform outside of admiring other people’s posts. Something about how excited Gwilym became and how pretty the picture was made you excited to open the old dusty application. You sent the photo to yourself and posted it to your Instagram without hesitation. It looked like the start of something new. The bright white photo stood out among the rest of your grainy theme, mostly filled with photos of you and Tegan from the pub in Wales. You tagged Gwilym and Joe.

///

That day became a game of sneaking candid photos of each other. You snuck up on each other as you strolled through the city streets and snapped shots of one another buying ice creams and looking in storefronts. But the game got out of hand. Gwilym took one photo of Joe when he was least expecting it, as he was standing on his tiptoes to reach for something in a candy store you’d fallen into the trap of. Gwilym decided it was blackmail, and then the game was on. You got a photo of Gwilym taking a massive bite of lunch and Joe got one of you making some dumb face as you had to wait in line to use the restroom.

All the while, you felt hyper aware of your surroundings and started to take more photos of stickers on light poles and titles of books that were far too expensive but probably cheaper on resale somewhere. You watched Joe open a picture book of old school baseball players. You couldn’t help but snap a shot of the way he held the book open upon the stack of others. His long fingers ghosting over the pages like a treasure. The sun casting patterns across the scene.

“What is happening to you?” Joe laughed at your newfound hobby.

“We’re having fun, remember? I am anyway.” You chuckled, raising your camera inches from his face to snap a photo and giving him a mischievous grin before you scurried away. Joe’s laughter followed you out of the shop and all around the city.

That night Joe hyped you and Gwilym up into getting a little dressed up and going to a bar after dinner. Luckily the newer purchases you packed included a nice enough dress. Then you ended up at a piano bar. Something stuttered in your heart when you noticed the excitement in Joe’s eye’s as they peered into yours. You hadn’t played the piano since you sold your keyboard a couple of years ago. You barely even thought of playing, actually. But Joe clearly had picked this place for a reason, with the knowledge that it had always been your dream.

The piano bar was complete with green naugahyde and mahogany wood, totally stuck out of time but still classy somehow. The crowd varied in age, and you were charmed to find a girl younger than you playing the baby grand on the risen velvet stage.

You, Joe and Gwil sat in the middle of the room, at a cozy table. You ordered dark drinks and listened to each other’s stories while other peoples chatter blurred into the background. Joe ordered something fruity with a straw and held it in front of you, insisting you try it. You took a sip and looked to your friend with wide eyes to confirm it was super good. Gwilym snapped a photo of the two of you then.

“Awe, see, that’s the opposite of blackmail!” You chuckled.

“Or is it?” Gwilym shot you a menacing grin as he stood to order a new drink at the bar. Before you could decode his secret message, a voice caught your attention.

A nice looking gentleman with a German accent tapped on the microphone at the front of the stage as your friend walked away.

“Tonight we are inviting you lovely crowd to come up and play if you know how, or even just want to. Don’t be shy, but do take turns!” The man encouraged, slinking off stage while waving for the crowd to get up and muck about.

“You should.” Joe leaned forward, speaking quietly just to you. His soft gaze made your heart crack a little. You weren’t about to do that. But you almost wanted to, just because of how excited he looked. Had he known this was going to happen? Or was he just dazzled by the hands of fate opening this random door?

“Oh, I don’t know.” You shrugged sitting up a little. Joe did the same, following your gaze. “I haven’t played uh… for a while.”

“Oh, really?” Joe frowned. You didn’t want to disappoint him. You knew he chose this place just for you. But you couldn’t lie.

“I sold my keyboard years ago.” You sorrily shrugged, recalling the time you had no other choice to pay rent. And realizing now that you never told Joe out of some kind of shame. You’d moved overseas with big plans to play, and they all crumbled around you.

“Oh…” Joe bit his lip and got that look in his eye that you realized he always got at the mention of Wales.

“Okay listen.” You turned to Joe, gently demanding his attention. You’d had enough wine to delve into this conversation. And you had finally become fed up with how Joe always seemed more upset that you at the mention of your past.

“Kris and I were like… broken up or something for like, months near the end. Things weren’t good. All I’m saying is that things with him were over before they ended for real. And I don’t miss him. I don’t. I know I should. That’s what keeps me up at night. But I don’t miss him. So please don’t look at me like I’ve lost everything.” You spoke, reaching out touch Joe’s arm. He uncrossed them and turned to face you then with an answer.

“What happened to your 'it’s okay to be sad’ speech from last night?” Joe furrowed his brow, speaking a little louder than you had been to get his point across. But you didn’t feel better for talking about this, like you thought you might.

“This-” You sighed a groan, wanting to suddenly move far away from this topic. “This is different. My life in Wales died when Kris did, okay?” You decided, getting a little angry at the end of your sentence. You wanted to move on. That’s when Gwilym reappeared, a new drink in hand.

“Should we… maybe call it a night?” The lean Brit suggested, glancing between you and Joe. Your friend looked like he had more to say, but you couldn’t go on talking about it all tonight.

“No!” You demanded. “Sit down right now so we can have fun!” You’d gotten your first taste of good times after fearing they’d never come again, and you weren’t ready to give them up.

“This place is beautiful and I’m glad you picked it out, Joe.” You looked to him sincerely and his once-troubled expression softened. You hadn’t realized you left your hand on his knee until his fingers rested on top of yours.

///

After a few rounds of drinks and jokes about things you missed laughing about, you found yourself locked away in Joe’s guest room for the second night in a row; comfy in the sweatshirt you once asked to borrow (now sort of taken hostage.) Your phone rang as you turned down the bed, and you answered right away.

“Helllooo!” Tegan chirped from the other line right away, like she’d been waiting on to hear from you for weeks on end.

“What have I missed this time?” You laughed, snuggling against a heap of pillows.

“Me! You’ve missed me. Actually, I suddenly feel like I’m the one missing out.” Tegan playfully scoffed on the other line.

“Well, of course, I miss you but what are you talking about?” You wondered. Tegan knew the only activities that filled your days were sleeping, working and occasionally seeing Joe.

“I’m talking about the dreamboat in your Instagram post! What kind of bender are you on? Does he have a hot brother or would he be interested in-”

“Oh, God.” You cut her off with a laugh, afraid of what she might say next. “He’s Joe’s friend from the movie. And that’s all.”

“So he’s single and ready to dial my number then?”

“Well, he is Welsh.” You chided.

“I know, I stalked his profile long before this interrogation.”

“So then what’s with the twenty questions?” You laughed. Tegan never failed to keep you guessing.

“I was trying to get you to admit you miss me and this place so much that you’d found a tall handsome fellow to bring you back round.”

“No, no I’ll come back on my own someday, dear.”

“I know.” Tegan lowered her voice as if someone else might have been listening.

“I’ve got to find my sea legs though, yeah? I haven’t had a nightmare in a couple of weeks.” You proudly state, tossing the covers over your legs.

“That’s because you’re living the dream, honey,” Tegan stated, as if she really meant it, as if it wasn’t a joke.

After chatting a while longer about how she’d been managing the pub without you and filling you in on the happenings about the quaint little Welsh town, you had to call it a night when your eyes could hardly stay open.

After you hung up, your phone buzzed a few times in a row. Who could possibly try to be getting ahold of you now? You checked to find a notification from Instagram, about a new follower. Assuming Gwilym had just finally got around to liking the photo you posted featuring him, you went to go admire it one last time. But before your eyes focused on the photo in question, a shocking number arose from your notification button.

You had hundreds more followers and more than a thousand likes on your newest photograph. below hundreds of comments.

y'all are so CUTE!

Why is Joe tagged?

Is that his sister?

Where is Joe?

Oh shit, you thought. These boys really mattered to people who didn’t know them. They found you all because you’d tagged Gwilym and Joe. They wanted to know why Joe was tagged. They cared. The astounding influx of followers and likes alarmed you for a few seconds, as you stared at your profile, wondering if you should delete everything. But why? You were proud to finally have something to post about that wasn’t old a grey.

Just as you thought of closing out the app, another notification popped up, unlike all the rest. Joe had tagged you in a photo. He’d just posted the picture of the two of you that Gwilym had taken at the piano bar. The one of you drinking from the glass Joe is holding while you’re looking at each other. In his caption, only a couple of music note emojis.

///

Gwilym left the next afternoon, with a long face and a suitcase full of New York souvenirs. You hugged him for a long time at the loading gates of the airport and laughed when he lifted Joe off the ground for a hug of his own. You weren’t sure if you’d ever see Gwil again, because that’s how life worked. But instead of worrying over it, you felt happy to have gotten to know him.

Joe started the long drive back to your hometown. He blabbered on about how he needed to help his mom with something anyway so he was glad you came along in the first place, just so he could drop you back off again. But you started to feel bad about how long you’d spent mucking about Joe’s flat and wasting his newly valuable time.

“I can drive a little, if you want.” You nervously offered to spare him a little while of responsibility.

“Do you want to?” Joe shot a curious glance your way as he drove out of the city.

“I don’t mind.” Because, no you didn’t really want to. But you would.

“It’s okay,” Joe assured, settling back against his seat, both hands on the wheel.

“Well, then I can give you gas money, yeah?” You thought. You were suddenly desperate to pay him back somehow for the weekend.

“No,” Joe laughed unbelievably. “Why are you being weird?” He was still chuckling.

“Because! This weekend you’ve been absolutely way too generous. So let me do something for you! Are you hungry? I’ll get us dinner.” You waved your hands to make your point and turned to face Joe from the passenger seat.

“I guess I could eat, yeah.” Joe smiled, nodding his head toward the road as he drove. You were a couple of hours away from home, and thirty minutes from a few good stops.

“Alright! Cheesecake Factory. No buts! Step on it!”

“Do you have Stockholm Syndrome?” Joe outlandishly quizzed. You laughed. “Do I have Stockholm Syndrome?”

Joe continued to imagine insane scenarios all the way to the Cheesecake Factory. You skipped inside together and put your name in at the desk. There were three other families ahead of you in line, and a big party that had followed in just behind you and Joe. You didn’t mind the wait, and leaned against the wall next to Joe, clutching the restaurant buzzer in your fist.

“We’re going to tell them it’s your birthday, so get ready.” You smiled as if you were kidding, but you weren’t. There was a deep desperation in you that demanded you shower Joe with the kind of attention he’d shown you this weekend, and always now that you thought about it. You were tired of sulking. You were ready to get back to the way things should have always been.

“Why can’t we tell them it’s yours?” Joe jabbed your side, his sparkling eyes looking into yours with a question.

“Because tonight is very special all about you night.” You reminded as if this had always been clear.

“Alright well, I want to tell them it’s your birthday.” Joe decided, imitating a snotty brat, sticking his nose in the air as if to make his decision final. Just as you started to laugh and curse at him, someone snaked their way through the waiting area packed with people and stopped in front of you.

“You two!” A voice rang. You were looking at Joe when you heard it, and watched his eyes turn in recognition. A girl with mousy brown hair dyed blue at the tips stood in front of you, and she looked the same as she had in high school.

“Keeley!” You practically shrieked, pushing yourself from the wall to wrap her in a hug. Keeley was one of your closest friends from high school. She would invite you over to play guitar hero and help you cheat on homework. When you weren’t riding bikes around town with Keeley, you were usually with Joe, but on many treasured occasions you could be found at the baseball diamond as a trio, when her little brother was on the same team as Joe’s brother.

“I didn’t realize you were back in town.” Joe hugged the girl after you had your turn. She went to Chicago after graduating and you slowly stopped texting each other long-winded updates over the years, even forgoing checking in on social media. But there didn’t seem to be any hard feelings.

“I didn’t realize either of you were back in the country!” Keeley laughed, looking between you and Joe.

“Oh, God I’m sorry, babe-” Keeley turned around and wrapped her fingers around someone’s wrist. “This is my fiance Rebeca.” Keeley beamed a smile at a woman with big brown eyes and a timid smile.

“This is Y/N, who I will always be indebted to for getting kicked off the volleyball team when she took the blame for the time I slashed the principal’s tires.” Keeley fawned over you as you shook your head in remembrance.

“And this is Joe, our resident movie star and the only person who has ever beaten me at Scrabble.” Keeley gestured to Joe as her fiance cocked her head. You knew that look. Joe did too.

“Hey- weren’t you in that Queen movie?” Rebeca pointed up to Joe with a smirk. He let himself smile and started to give a coy nod as he turned his eyes toward you, for some reason.

“That’s why you were so excited to see it, huh?” Rebeca turned to Keeley and your old high school friend started to laugh.

“I’ll always go see your movies, Maz. I’ll even sit through shitty cop shows just to see that cute face of yours. You’re really good, ya know that?” Keeley gave Joe a playful punch in the arm when your buzzer started to go off.

“I’m still much better at Scrabble than anything else.” He smiled.

“Man, we’re being summoned.” You frowned, holding the timer in view.

“Call next time you’re in town!” Joe demanded toward the girls, preparing to follow you toward the desk. You reached out to give Keeley a quick hug. You waved to Rebeca and assured it was nice to meet her as the ladies turned to leave.

“Come on, birthday boy.” You grinned, looping your arm through Joes and foiling his plans to foil yours.

“It’s your birthday? Happy birthday!” Rebeca called over her shoulder.

“Thank you.” Joe sighed through his teeth, dragged you away giving you a look that made you laugh out loud. You totally won whatever game you were playing tonight.

But just nanoseconds before Keeley and Rebeca were out of earshot, you heard your friend’s fiance gush “They were so cute together!”

But you were too distracted by a friendly hostess to let the distant comment sink in.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

#joe mazzello #joe mazello x reader #joe mazzello fanfic #joe mazzello imagine

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hannahindie · 4 years

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Get to know me!

Favorite colors: Purple, black, and blue. But honestly, anything super bright makes me happy, as well as grayscale things. I just love all of them.

Last song I listened to: Danny Don’t You Know by Ninja Sex Party. Such a good song lol

Favorite musicians: I love music so much, this is nearly impossible. Lately I’ve been listening to Ninja Sex Party a lot, and the emo playlist on Spotify. lol

Last film I watched: Slither. So gross.

Last tv show I watched: Currently on my second watch of the new Unsolved Mysteries. I need more!

Favorite original character: This is impossible. lol Besides the obvious Sam and Dean Winchester...Daryl Dixon. Audrey Parker. Literally every on Schitt’s Creek with the exception of Mutt, because fuck that guy. lol

Sweet, spicy or savory: Both! It really depends on the day, but I just love food.

Sparkling water, tea, or coffee: Tea, usually. Sparkling water if it’s got some sweetness to it. (I like the ones from WalMart because they actually taste like the flavors they’re supposed to be. lol)

Pets: Alright, hold on to your butts. Here we go. lol I have four cats: Jules is my oldest and my first pet I had on my own. She’s so hateful always, but so fluffy and is just my cranky old lady. Bella is a sweet little tortoiseshell who I absolutely adore. Stevie is actually my roommate’s cat, but she’s moving out and can’t take her so I am inheriting her, and she’s the most loving thing in the world, and last but not least is Fox, who is my fiance’s deaf ginger cat. He also can’t see very well, and he’s got some neurological stuff going on, so he’s super wobbly, and he has a pretty major heart murmur. The poor buddy is a mess, but he’s getting stronger every day now that he has more space to wander, and he is literally the sweetest animal on the planet. He can do no wrong and I would die for him.

I have three dogs. One is a Great Pyrenees, who is my best friend in the entire world. She was with me when all the terrible stuff happened, and has kept me sane. She’s the size of a small bear, and I love her so much. I also have a Husky that was given to us, she is so goofy and smart and hilarious. And Crowley is the one we got before we got the husky. He’s a mix breed, and scared of pretty much everything and was supposed to be my fiance’s cat, but he’s a real momma’s boy. We’re working on him getting used to me not being here, but he is not a fan. He also hates his crate, and actually bent it so badly that he could squeeze through the hole.

We’re also planning on getting a corn snake (my roommate hates snakes so we are waiting on her to move and/or a sulcata tortoise. Maybe some chickens. But we don’t have those yet. lol

I don’t really know who to tag, so if you wanna play along, do it! @amanda-teaches tagged me!

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dovelikewar · 6 years

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October ‘17 Playlist

Hello, friends! Happy November. October went by really fast, but that’s okay, because that just means the holiday season is starting. 🙌

Since it is the first day of November, I thought I would post about my October playlist. Since January of last year, I have been making 20 song playlists every month. They’re usually a mix of new music from artists I like, new discoveries, and songs that I have been listening to a lot in that specific month.

This one in particular has a lot of overflow from September because I filled my September playlist pretty early. I will link each song and write a little about why I included it. I will also include a link to the full playlist on both Spotify and YouTube (where you can find all music videos if the song has them) up here so you can follow along that way:

Find the full YouTube playlist here.

1. Fantasy - Superfruit ft. Amber Liu

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This song is from the full length album Future Friends by Superfruit, the duo of Scott Hoying and Mitch Grassi who are also members of the A Capella group Pentatonix. I am already a big fan of PTX so naturally I was really excited when Scott and Mitch announced that they would be releasing an album. AND BOY WAS THE EXCITEMENT JUSTIFIED. The entire album is SO good. So much so that I was actually debating which song I should include on my playlist. I eventually narrowed it down to 2, and spent the remainder of the month trying to decide between them. I eventually settled on Fantasy, but love GUY.EXE and its music video so much, that I decided to include it in the blog even though it's not on the actual playlist. If you haven’t listened to Future Friends, please do. It’s a masterpiece.

2. Ugly - Jaira Burns

I found this song from browsing on YouTube after binging a bunch of Billie Eilish videos. Her music is a bit different as it contains a lot more mature subject matter, but her vocals are delivered similarly to Billie’s, so that drew me to this song specifically. I also really Jaira’s voice and think it works really well with this genre. I’m not a huge fan of the other two songs she has release, so I don’t see myself following her career too closely in the future, but I feel like she has a lot of potential to grow a large audience around people that can connect with her music more.

3. Sick - Barcelona

I found this song while browsing through my discover section on Spotify. I heard it and automatically vibed with it. The instrumentals, vocals, and just everything about it is such a great mix of a bunch of different styles. Somehow though, it fits together so well and makes for such a great song.

4. Rollin’ - B1A4

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This is another roll over from September. On the 25th of September, one of my favorite k-pop groups, B1A4, released their newest mini album. This is the title track from it, and I love it with my entire heart. The entire album is amazing, but I fell in love with Rollin’ the second I watched the MV for it, so I knew it had to be the one I included in my playlist. It is a quite different sound from what B1A4 usually goes for, but it is still so well done and amazing. B1A4 never cease to amaze me, but the entire Rollin’ album is such a masterpiece and was so worth the wait that it took to get released. 1000000/10. Would recommend.

5. Oogie Boogie’s Song - Nightmare Before Christmas Soundtrack

Of course, since it’s October, I had to include some Halloween-y songs, and what’s more Halloween-y than Nightmare Before Christmas? It is one of my favorite movies ever, and Oogie Boogie’s song is one of my favorite songs from it. It’s such a good song to listen to if I’m trying to get spooky.

6. Walls - Airspoken

This is another song I found through my Spotify discover playlist, and I liked it pretty immediately. It has a very chilling yet rhythmic vibe to it that I really like. Another thing that I found really nice is that contrast between all four vocals in the song. It goes from a smooth vocal, to a deeper vocal, to a more raspy and high vocal, to a weird mix of the three. The different vocalists make the already catchy song even more interesting to listen to, and I just really like it. The group doesn’t have a huge following by the looks of it, but I intend to look into their music more and maybe support them if I like more of their material.

7. Shatter In The Night - Vesperteen

Honestly, I am so sad that I have just recently found Vesperteen, because I listened to more of their music and it is all really good. This song specifically is just a really feel good “driving around a big city at night” type song. I like it a lot.

8. American Love - Smallpools

Yet another artist I wish I would have found sooner. This song landed on my discover playlist and just the very beginning immediately caught my attention. The song is very melodic and the type of song I wouldn’t mind hearing live. I listened to more of Smallpools music too, and all of it is so SO good. The instrumentals and vocals on this and all of their songs that I have heard are top notch and really beautiful. I can definitely see myself getting more into their music.

9. Hobgoblin - CLC

CLC is one of the only girl k-pop groups whose music that I actually genuinely like. I found them quite recently, but I’m still glad I finally found a girl group where I like every song I have heard. This is one of the first songs I heard by them, and is also one of their most popular title tracks. I really like this song and their song Pepe so far, but hope I have time to look more into their music soon.

10. Mess - Jordan Fisher

Not gonna lie, I pretty much put this song on my playlist before I even listened to it just because it’s Jordan Fisher and I love everything that he has ever put out thus far. This song is no exception. It’s very similar to his other music with heavy R&B elements and super strong vocals. Jordan very consistently slays, and his music is always on point. Mess is no different.

11. Bite My Tongue - Logan Henderson

12. ENVY - coldrain

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Finally. I’ve been waiting to talk about this one. This is from coldrain, one of my favorite band’s, new album from this month, Fateless. The entire album is beyond amazing, as expected. This was another situation where I was heavily debating for weeks over which of two songs I would put on the playlist. Ultimately, I just chose the one that had a music video (and then the other song came out with a music video 3 days after the album came out. Go figure.). Still, I recommend the entire album to anyone that enjoys rock music at all. Yet another masterpiece, if I do say so myself.

13. Close You Eyes - The Midnight Club

I found this song after one of my favorite music critic youtubers tweeted it out saying that it sounded a bit like another one of my favorite bands, Panic! At The Disco. When I listened to the song, I could definitely see what he was getting at. It really sounds a lot like P!ATD’s older music, and the vocalist even sort of sounds like Brendon. More than anything though, I noticed how good the song and band was in their own right. I ended up liking it enough to include it in my playlist this month.

14. J.D. Blows Up - Heathers Soundtrack

More Halloween type stuff! Heathers is another one of my favorite movies. Although it isn’t a horror movie per se, it is definitely a very dark movie. I was reminded of this specific instrumental off the soundtrack while doing homework for a film survey course I am currently taking, and got chills as I listened to it more. It only felt right to include it on this month’s playlist or make it just a bit more spooky.

15. Callin’ - A.C.E

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Another favorite artist! A.C.E, another one of my top k-pop groups, had their comeback this month. I love this song, and the music video, and the choreography, and really just everything. Callin’ has the same fast paced mood as their debut song, Cactus. Overall, it is a really fun listen and is even more fun to watch them perform. I am consistently blown away by their talent, and this comeback was just a reminder of how much talent they have. I love this song and I love A.C.E.

16. Blonde - Waterparks

Keeping with the theme, another one of my favorite bands announced that they would be releasing their new album early next year along with releasing the lead single off of it. This is that single. It does not stray too far from what Waterparks usually releases, but is still different enough to see a musical growth. I especially love the more unclean vocal in the bridge. Blonde has really made me excited to hear the rest of the album. I can’t wait for it to come out in January!

17. Not Thinking Of You - The Royal

A catchy tune I found on my discover playlist. The instrumentals are a pretty normal indie alternative mix with even more normal subject matter. The catchiness of it and the vocals are really what caught my attention and made me want to include it on the playlist.

18. Time Warp - Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack

Because is it really October if you don’t listen to the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack? This song is a classic and a staple at any Halloween party. I had no choice but to include it.

19. South Drive - WSTR

I was drawn to this song because of the raw instrumentals and vocals. It almost seems a bit messy during the verses, but comes together for the chorus. When I heard it for the first time, I questioned whether or not I liked it. As I listened to it again though, I did find myself really enjoying the more authentic garage rock band vibe that it has. It does feel a lot more cut and paste than what you would normally hear from more popular bands of the same genre, but it still works really well. I enjoy it.

20. Astoria - Marianas Trench

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The last song on this month’s playlist is very close to my heart. It is the intro to the album Astoria by another one of my favorite bands, Marianas Trench. I decided to include this song last on this playlist because this month they released the music video for the song. It is a very beautiful video that very well sums up what the whole album is about. However, the release of the music video also ended the Astoria era exactly two years after the album’s release on October 23rd. It was a very emotional time for me and all other MTrench fans. The album has provided me with so many great memories, made me dance, made me cry, but most of all made me appreciate the intricacies of music so much more. Although I am sad to see the era end, I hope it means that the band can get some much deserved rest and start working on more music. Never say die.

That is it this week, friends. It’s been a rough week, but writing about music has made it a little better (even if it’s a little late). I used to write blogs like this for my playlists when I first started making them last year, but stopped when I realized no one read them. I still have absolutely zero people reading, but ya know, a girl can dream. Still, happy first week of November, and happy day to you, invisible friends.

- 🕊️ ❤️ 🏹

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thesnhuup · 6 years

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Pop Picks – September 7, 2018

What I’m listening to:

With a cover pointing back to the Beastie Boys’ 1986 Licensed to Ill, Eminem’s quietly released Kamikaze is not my usual taste, but I’ve always admired him for his “all out there” willingness to be personal, to call people out, and his sheer genius with language. I thought Daveed Diggs could rap fast, but Eminem is supersonic at moments, and still finds room for melody. Love that he includes Joyner Lucas, whose “I’m Not Racist” gets added to the growing list of simply amazing music videos commenting on race in America. There are endless reasons why I am the least likely Eminem fan, but when no one is around to make fun of me, I’ll put it on again.

What I’m reading:

Lesley Blume’s Everyone Behaves Badly, which is the story behind Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises and his time in 1920s Paris (oh, what a time – see Midnight in Paris if you haven’t already). Of course, Blume disabuses my romantic ideas of that time and place and everyone is sort of (or profoundly so) a jerk, especially…no spoiler here…Hemingway. That said, it is a compelling read and coming off the Henry James inspired prose of Mrs. Osmond, it made me appreciate more how groundbreaking was Hemingway’s modern prose style. Like his contemporary Picasso, he reinvented the art and it can be easy to forget, these decades later, how profound was the change and its impact. And it has bullfights.

What I’m watching:

Chloé Zhao’s The Rider is just exceptional. It’s filmed on the Pine Ridge Reservation, which provides a stunning landscape, and it feels like a classic western reinvented for our times. The main characters are played by the real-life people who inspired this narrative (but feels like a documentary) film. Brady Jandreau, playing himself really, owns the screen. It’s about manhood, honor codes, loss, and resilience – rendered in sensitive, nuanced, and heartfelt ways. It feels like it could be about large swaths of America today. Really powerful.

Archive

August 16, 2018

What I’m listening to:

In my Spotify Daily Mix was Percy Sledge’s When A Man Loves A Woman, one of the world’s greatest love songs. Go online and read the story of how the song was discovered and recorded. There are competing accounts, but Sledge said he improvised it after a bad breakup. It has that kind of aching spontaneity. It is another hit from Muscle Shoals, Alabama, one of the GREAT music hotbeds, along with Detroit, Nashville, and Memphis. Our February Board meeting is in Alabama and I may finally have to do the pilgrimage road trip to Muscle Shoals and then Memphis, dropping in for Sunday services at the church where Rev. Al Green still preaches and sings. If the music is all like this, I will be saved.

What I’m reading:

John Banville’s Mrs. Osmond, his homage to literary idol Henry James and an imagined sequel to James’ 1881 masterpiece Portrait of a Lady. Go online and read the first paragraph of Chapter 25. He is…profoundly good. Makes me want to never write again, since anything I attempt will feel like some other, lowly activity in comparison to his mastery of language, image, syntax. This is slow reading, every sentence to be savored.

What I’m watching:

I’ve always respected Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but we just watched the documentary RGB. It is over-the-top great and she is now one of my heroes. A superwoman in many ways and the documentary is really well done. There are lots of scenes of her speaking to crowds and the way young women, especially law students, look at her is touching. And you can’t help but fall in love with her now late husband Marty. See this movie and be reminded of how important is the Law.

July 23, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Spotify’s Summer Acoustic playlist has been on repeat quite a lot. What a fun way to listen to artists new to me, including The Paper Kites, Hollow Coves, and Fleet Foxes, as well as old favorites like Leon Bridges and Jose Gonzalez. Pretty chill when dialing back to a summer pace, dining on the screen porch or reading a book.

What I’m reading:

Bryan Stevenson’s Just Mercy. Founder of the Equal Justice Initiative, Stevenson tells of the racial injustice (and the war on the poor our judicial system perpetuates as well) that he discovered as a young graduate from Harvard Law School and his fight to address it. It is in turn heartbreaking, enraging, and inspiring. It is also about mercy and empathy and justice that reads like a novel. Brilliant.

What I’m watching:

Fauda. We watched season one of this Israeli thriller. It was much discussed in Israel because while it focuses on an ex-special agent who comes out of retirement to track down a Palestinian terrorist, it was willing to reveal the complexity, richness, and emotions of Palestinian lives. And the occasional brutality of the Israelis. Pretty controversial stuff in Israel. Lior Raz plays Doron, the main character, and is compelling and tough and often hard to like. He’s a mess. As is the world in which he has to operate. We really liked it, and also felt guilty because while it may have been brave in its treatment of Palestinians within the Israeli context, it falls back into some tired tropes and ultimately falls short on this front.

June 11, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Like everyone else, I’m listening to Pusha T drop the mic on Drake. Okay, not really, but do I get some points for even knowing that? We all walk around with songs that immediately bring us back to a time or a place. Songs are time machines. We are coming up on Father’s Day. My own dad passed away on Father’s Day back in 1994 and I remembering dutifully getting through the wake and funeral and being strong throughout. Then, sitting alone in our kitchen, Don Henley’s The End of the Innocence came on and I lost it. When you lose a parent for the first time (most of us have two after all) we lose our innocence and in that passage, we suddenly feel adult in a new way (no matter how old we are), a longing for our own childhood, and a need to forgive and be forgiven. Listen to the lyrics and you’ll understand. As Wordsworth reminds us in In Memoriam, there are seasons to our grief and, all these years later, this song no longer hits me in the gut, but does transport me back with loving memories of my father. I’ll play it Father’s Day.

What I’m reading:

The Fifth Season, by N. K. Jemisin. I am not a reader of fantasy or sci-fi, though I understand they can be powerful vehicles for addressing the very real challenges of the world in which we actually live. I’m not sure I know of a more vivid and gripping illustration of that fact than N. K. Jemisin’s Hugo Award winning novel The Fifth Season, first in her Broken Earth trilogy. It is astounding. It is the fantasy parallel to The Underground Railroad, my favorite recent read, a depiction of subjugation, power, casual violence, and a broken world in which our hero(s) struggle, suffer mightily, and still, somehow, give us hope. It is a tour de force book. How can someone be this good a writer? The first 30 pages pained me (always with this genre, one must learn a new, constructed world, and all of its operating physics and systems of order), and then I could not put it down. I panicked as I neared the end, not wanting to finish the book, and quickly ordered the Obelisk Gate, the second novel in the trilogy, and I can tell you now that I’ll be spending some goodly portion of my weekend in Jemisin’s other world.

What I’m watching:

The NBA Finals and perhaps the best basketball player of this generation. I’ve come to deeply respect LeBron James as a person, a force for social good, and now as an extraordinary player at the peak of his powers. His superhuman play during the NBA playoffs now ranks with the all-time greats, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, MJ, Kobe, and the demi-god that was Bill Russell. That his Cavs lost in a 4-game sweep is no surprise. It was a mediocre team being carried on the wide shoulders of James (and matched against one of the greatest teams ever, the Warriors, and the Harry Potter of basketball, Steph Curry) and, in some strange way, his greatness is amplified by the contrast with the rest of his team. It was a great run.

May 24, 2018

What I’m listening to:

I’ve always liked Alicia Keys and admired her social activism, but I am hooked on her last album Here. This feels like an album finally commensurate with her anger, activism, hope, and grit. More R&B and Hip Hop than is typical for her, I think this album moves into an echelon inhabited by a Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On or Beyonce’s Formation. Social activism and outrage rarely make great novels, but they often fuel great popular music. Here is a terrific example.

What I’m reading:

Colson Whitehead’s Underground Railroad may be close to a flawless novel. Winner of the 2017 Pulitzer, it chronicles the lives of two runaway slaves, Cora and Caeser, as they try to escape the hell of plantation life in Georgia. It is an often searing novel and Cora is one of the great heroes of American literature. I would make this mandatory reading in every high school in America, especially in light of the absurd revisionist narratives of “happy and well cared for” slaves. This is a genuinely great novel, one of the best I’ve read, the magical realism and conflating of time periods lifts it to another realm of social commentary, relevance, and a blazing indictment of America’s Original Sin, for which we remain unabsolved.

What I’m watching:

I thought I knew about The Pentagon Papers, but The Post, a real-life political thriller from Steven Spielberg taught me a lot, features some of our greatest actors, and is so timely given the assault on our democratic institutions and with a presidency out of control. It is a reminder that a free and fearless press is a powerful part of our democracy, always among the first targets of despots everywhere. The story revolves around the legendary Post owner and D.C. doyenne, Katharine Graham. I had the opportunity to see her son, Don Graham, right after he saw the film, and he raved about Meryl Streep’s portrayal of his mother. Liked it a lot more than I expected.

April 27, 2018

What I’m listening to:

I mentioned John Prine in a recent post and then on the heels of that mention, he has released a new album, The Tree of Forgiveness, his first new album in ten years. Prine is beloved by other singer songwriters and often praised by the inscrutable God that is Bob Dylan. Indeed, Prine was frequently said to be the “next Bob Dylan” in the early part of his career, though he instead carved out his own respectable career and voice, if never with the dizzying success of Dylan. The new album reflects a man in his 70s, a cancer survivor, who reflects on life and its end, but with the good humor and empathy that are hallmarks of Prine’s music. “When I Get To Heaven” is a rollicking, fun vision of what comes next and a pure delight. A charming, warm, and often terrific album.

What I’m reading:

I recently read Min Jin Lee’s Pachinko, on many people’s Top Ten lists for last year and for good reason. It is sprawling, multi-generational, and based in the world of Japanese occupied Korea and then in the Korean immigrant’s world of Oaska, so our key characters become “tweeners,” accepted in neither world. It’s often unspeakably sad, and yet there is resiliency and love. There is also intimacy, despite the time and geographic span of the novel. It’s breathtakingly good and like all good novels, transporting.

What I’m watching:

I adore Guillermo del Toro’s 2006 film, Pan’s Labyrinth, and while I’m not sure his Shape of Water is better, it is a worthy follow up to the earlier masterpiece (and more of a commercial success). Lots of critics dislike the film, but I’m okay with a simple retelling of a Beauty and the Beast love story, as predictable as it might be. The acting is terrific, it is visually stunning, and there are layers of pain as well as social and political commentary (the setting is the US during the Cold War) and, no real spoiler here, the real monsters are humans, the military officer who sees over the captured aquatic creature. It is hauntingly beautiful and its depiction of hatred to those who are different or “other” is painfully resonant with the time in which we live. Put this on your “must see” list.

March 18, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Sitting on a plane for hours (and many more to go; geez, Australia is far away) is a great opportunity to listen to new music and to revisit old favorites. This time, it is Lucy Dacus and her album Historians, the new sophomore release from a 22-year old indie artist that writes with relatable, real-life lyrics. Just on a second listen and while she insists this isn’t a break up record (as we know, 50% of all great songs are break up songs), it is full of loss and pain. Worth the listen so far. For the way back machine, it’s John Prine and In Spite of Ourselves (that title track is one of the great love songs of all time), a collection of duets with some of his “favorite girl singers” as he once described them. I have a crush on Iris Dement (for a really righteously angry song try her Wasteland of the Free), but there is also EmmyLou Harris, the incomparable Dolores Keane, and Lucinda Williams. Very different albums, both wonderful.

What I’m reading:

Jane Mayer’s New Yorker piece on Christopher Steele presents little that is new, but she pulls it together in a terrific and coherent whole that is illuminating and troubling at the same time. Not only for what is happening, but for the complicity of the far right in trying to discredit that which should be setting off alarm bells everywhere. Bob Mueller may be the most important defender of the democracy at this time. A must read.

What I’m watching:

Homeland is killing it this season and is prescient, hauntingly so. Russian election interference, a Bannon-style hate radio demagogue, alienated and gun toting militia types, and a president out of control. It’s fabulous, even if it feels awfully close to the evening news.

March 8, 2018

What I’m listening to:

We have a family challenge to compile our Top 100 songs. It is painful. Only 100? No more than three songs by one artist? Wait, why is M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes” on my list? Should it just be The Clash from whom she samples? Can I admit to guilty pleasure songs? Hey, it’s my list and I can put anything I want on it. So I’m listening to the list while I work and the song playing right now is Tom Petty’s “The Wild One, Forever,” a B-side single that was never a hit and that remains my favorite Petty song. Also, “Evangeline” by Los Lobos. It evokes a night many years ago, with friends at Pearl Street in Northampton, MA, when everyone danced well past 1AM in a hot, sweaty, packed club and the band was a revelation. Maybe the best music night of our lives and a reminder that one’s 100 Favorite Songs list is as much about what you were doing and where you were in your life when those songs were playing as it is about the music. It’s not a list. It’s a soundtrack for this journey.

What I’m reading:

Patricia Lockwood’s Priestdaddy was in the NY Times top ten books of 2017 list and it is easy to see why. Lockwood brings remarkable and often surprising imagery, metaphor, and language to her prose memoir and it actually threw me off at first. It then all became clear when someone told me she is a poet. The book is laugh aloud funny, which masks (or makes safer anyway) some pretty dark territory. Anyone who grew up Catholic, whether lapsed or not, will resonate with her story. She can’t resist a bawdy anecdote and her family provides some of the most memorable characters possible, especially her father, her sister, and her mother, who I came to adore. Best thing I’ve read in ages.

What I’m watching:

The Florida Project, a profoundly good movie on so many levels. Start with the central character, six-year old (at the time of the filming) Brooklynn Prince, who owns – I mean really owns – the screen. This is pure acting genius and at that age? Astounding. Almost as astounding is Bria Vinaite, who plays her mother. She was discovered on Instagram and had never acted before this role, which she did with just three weeks of acting lessons. She is utterly convincing and the tension between the child’s absolute wonder and joy in the world with her mother’s struggle to provide, to be a mother, is heartwarming and heartbreaking all at once. Willem Dafoe rightly received an Oscar nomination for his supporting role. This is a terrific movie.

February 12, 2018

What I’m listening to:

So, I have a lot of friends of age (I know you’re thinking 40s, but I just turned 60) who are frozen in whatever era of music they enjoyed in college or maybe even in their thirties. There are lots of times when I reach back into the catalog, since music is one of those really powerful and transporting senses that can take you through time (smell is the other one, though often underappreciated for that power). Hell, I just bought a turntable and now spending time in vintage vinyl shops. But I’m trying to take a lesson from Pat, who revels in new music and can as easily talk about North African rap music and the latest National album as Meet the Beatles, her first ever album. So, I’ve been listening to Kendrick Lamar’s Grammy winning Damn. While it may not be the first thing I’ll reach for on a winter night in Maine, by the fire, I was taken with it. It’s layered, political, and weirdly sensitive and misogynist at the same time, and it feels fresh and authentic and smart at the same time, with music that often pulled me from what I was doing. In short, everything music should do. I’m not a bit cooler for listening to Damn, but when I followed it with Steely Dan, I felt like I was listening to Lawrence Welk. A good sign, I think.

What I’m reading:

I am reading Walter Isaacson’s new biography of Leonardo da Vinci. I’m not usually a reader of biographies, but I’ve always been taken with Leonardo. Isaacson does not disappoint (does he ever?), and his subject is at once more human and accessible and more awe-inspiring in Isaacson’s capable hands. Gay, left-handed, vegetarian, incapable of finishing things, a wonderful conversationalist, kind, and perhaps the most relentlessly curious human being who has ever lived. Like his biographies of Steve Jobs and Albert Einstein, Isaacson’s project here is to show that genius lives at the intersection of science and art, of rationality and creativity. Highly recommend it.

What I’m watching:

We watched the This Is Us post-Super Bowl episode, the one where Jack finally buys the farm. I really want to hate this show. It is melodramatic and manipulative, with characters that mostly never change or grow, and it hooks me every damn time we watch it. The episode last Sunday was a tear jerker, a double whammy intended to render into a blubbering, tissue-crumbling pathetic mess anyone who has lost a parent or who is a parent. Sterling K. Brown, Ron Cephas Jones, the surprising Mandy Moore, and Milo Ventimiglia are hard not to love and last season’s episode that had only Brown and Cephas going to Memphis was the show at its best (they are by far the two best actors). Last week was the show at its best worst. In other words, I want to hate it, but I love it. If you haven’t seen it, don’t binge watch it. You’ll need therapy and insulin.

January 15, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Drive-By Truckers. Chris Stapleton has me on an unusual (for me) country theme and I discovered these guys to my great delight. They’ve been around, with some 11 albums, but the newest one is fascinating. It’s a deep dive into Southern alienation and the white working-class world often associated with our current president. I admire the willingness to lay bare, in kick ass rock songs, the complexities and pain at work among people we too quickly place into overly simple categories. These guys are brave, bold, and thoughtful as hell, while producing songs I didn’t expect to like, but that I keep playing. And they are coming to NH.

What I’m reading:

A textual analog to Drive-By Truckers by Chris Stapleton in many ways is Tony Horowitz’s 1998 Pulitzer Prize winning Confederates in the Attic. Ostensibly about the Civil War and the South’s ongoing attachment to it, it is prescient and speaks eloquently to the times in which we live (where every southern state but Virginia voted for President Trump). Often hilarious, it too surfaces complexities and nuance that escape a more recent, and widely acclaimed, book like Hillbilly Elegy. As a Civil War fan, it was also astonishing in many instances, especially when it blows apart long-held “truths” about the war, such as the degree to which Sherman burned down the south (he did not). Like D-B Truckers, Horowitz loves the South and the people he encounters, even as he grapples with its myths of victimhood and exceptionalism (and racism, which may be no more than the racism in the north, but of a different kind). Everyone should read this book and I’m embarrassed I’m so late to it.

What I’m watching:

David Letterman has a new Netflix show called “My Next Guest Needs No Introduction” and we watched the first episode, in which Letterman interviewed Barack Obama. It was extraordinary (if you don’t have Netflix, get it just to watch this show); not only because we were reminded of Obama’s smarts, grace, and humanity (and humor), but because we saw a side of Letterman we didn’t know existed. His personal reflections on Selma were raw and powerful, almost painful. He will do five more episodes with “extraordinary individuals” and if they are anything like the first, this might be the very best work of his career and one of the best things on television.

December 22, 2017

What I’m reading:

Just finished Sunjeev Sahota’s Year of the Runaways, a painful inside look at the plight of illegal Indian immigrant workers in Britain. It was shortlisted for 2015 Man Booker Prize and its transporting, often to a dark and painful universe, and it is impossible not to think about the American version of this story and the terrible way we treat the undocumented in our own country, especially now.

What I’m watching:

Season II of The Crown is even better than Season I. Elizabeth’s character is becoming more three-dimensional, the modern world is catching up with tradition-bound Britain, and Cold War politics offer more context and tension than we saw in Season I. Claire Foy, in her last season, is just terrific – one arched eye brow can send a message.

What I’m listening to:

A lot of Christmas music, but needing a break from the schmaltz, I’ve discovered Over the Rhine and their Christmas album, Snow Angels. God, these guys are good.

November 14, 2017

What I’m watching:

Guiltily, I watch the Patriots play every weekend, often building my schedule and plans around seeing the game. Why the guilt? I don’t know how morally defensible is football anymore, as we now know the severe damage it does to the players. We can’t pretend it’s all okay anymore. Is this our version of late decadent Rome, watching mostly young Black men take a terrible toll on each other for our mere entertainment?

What I’m reading:

Recently finished J.G. Ballard’s 2000 novel Super-Cannes, a powerful depiction of a corporate-tech ex-pat community taken over by a kind of psychopathology, in which all social norms and responsibilities are surrendered to residents of the new world community. Kept thinking about Silicon Valley when reading it. Pretty dark, dystopian view of the modern world and centered around a mass killing, troublingly prescient.

What I’m listening to:

Was never really a Lorde fan, only knowing her catchy (and smarter than you might first guess) pop hit “Royals” from her debut album. But her new album, Melodrama, is terrific and it doesn’t feel quite right to call this “pop.” There is something way more substantial going on with Lorde and I can see why many critics put this album at the top of their Best in 2017 list. Count me in as a huge fan.

November 3, 2017

What I’m reading: Just finished Celeste Ng’s Little Fires Everywhere, her breathtakingly good second novel. How is someone so young so wise? Her writing is near perfection and I read the book in two days, setting my alarm for 4:30AM so I could finish it before work.

What I’m watching: We just binge watched season two of Stranger Things and it was worth it just to watch Millie Bobbie Brown, the transcendent young actor who plays Eleven. The series is a delightful mash up of every great eighties horror genre you can imagine and while pretty dark, an absolute joy to watch.

What I’m listening to: I’m not a lover of country music (to say the least), but I love Chris Stapleton. His “The Last Thing I Needed, First Thing This Morning” is heartbreakingly good and reminds me of the old school country that played in my house as a kid. He has a new album and I can’t wait, but his From A Room: Volume 1 is on repeat for now.

September 26, 2017

What I’m reading:

Just finished George Saunder’s Lincoln in the Bardo. It took me a while to accept its cadence and sheer weirdness, but loved it in the end. A painful meditation on loss and grief, and a genuinely beautiful exploration of the intersection of life and death, the difficulty of letting go of what was, good and bad, and what never came to be.

What I’m watching:

HBO’s The Deuce. Times Square and the beginning of the porn industry in the 1970s, the setting made me wonder if this was really something I’d want to see. But David Simon is the writer and I’d read a menu if he wrote it. It does not disappoint so far and there is nothing prurient about it.

What I’m listening to:

The National’s new album Sleep Well Beast. I love this band. The opening piano notes of the first song, “Nobody Else Will Be There,” seize me & I’m reminded that no one else in music today matches their arrangement & musicianship. I’m adding “Born to Beg,” “Slow Show,” “I Need My Girl,” and “Runaway” to my list of favorite love songs.

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airadam · 7 years

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Episode 98 : Straight Ahead

"I'm at the back of the wake, fe' re', selling my tape"

- Rodney P

Managed to pull myself through a busy, somewhat trying month to bring you another selection! We have one new release, some 80s soul picks, a Mobb Deep feature, and a bunch more - I'd be surprised if anyone, even the DJs, knew every single record. Let's get into it...

Twitter : @airadam13

Playlist/Notes

Skitz ft. Rodney P and Supanatchlus : The Killing

A very downbeat few bars to begin the episode, with Skitz basing this track from "Countryman" around what sounds like a version of Chopin's famous "Funeral March". Rodney P was settling into his solo career right around this time and he gives us some of his trademark style here, mixing the London with the Caribbean, elevated even further with Supanatchlus on the intro and hook. As far as I can tell, this is Supanatchlus' only credited recording, but it's a good one!

Hexsagon : La Buena Memoria

Big shout out to Hexsagon, friend of the show, for giving us gems like this beat from the "Beat Flip Tuesdays Volume 4" tape!

Rah Digga ft. Mobb Deep : High Speed Chasin'

Super dark cut from Dirty Harriet herself, which I got on a white label 12" but is now available through the magic of digital distribution, on the formerly unreleased album "Everything Is A Story". Tone Mason's crackly, low, insistent beat is actually very reminiscent of something Havoc might have done, but here he stays on mic duty for the closing verse. Rah slays the second verse, and of course, the familiar voice of the late Prodigy opens proceedings.

Above The Law : L.A. Vibe

Love this, a personal favourite from the "Legends" album. It's a very minimal beat from Cold 187um, but not as minimal as you think at first. Listen carefully and hear a number of different keyboard and pad touches come in over that spare, gritty bass and unpretentious drum pattern. It's always nice to hear the voice of the late KMG, and his low-key style as displayed on the first verse suits the track down to the ground.

Kankick : Say

Another one of those respected producers out of Oxnard, California (think Madlib and Oh No), Kankick has been quietly working away for years. This is an all too short track from his second LP, "Acid Massive Musical" which can't help to hook you in with the backwards lead sounds and neck snapping drum and bass combination.

Ty : Knock Knock (DJ Spinna Remix)

Great combination. On the third release in Ty's "Kick Snare And An Idea" series, he spits with his usual clarity and intelligence and this track is no exception. DJ Spinna remixes the cut with some classic Beyond Real flourishes, bringing synths and keys in from all angles underneath a solid kick-snare foundation. Appropriately.

Fat Jack : Try Ta Test

Dug this one out this month, going back to the "Beatology Vol. 2" compilation; Fat Jack is a producer from the underground Los Angeles scene who you might have heard working with heads like Volume 10, Aceyalone, and Abstract Rude, and getting respect across the board. This cut has a nice little wobble in the bottom end, nothing drastic, just enough to add that extra something.

Kev Brown & LMNO : The Cause

I've only just discovered this 2008 track this month, which speaks to how much material gets released nowadays and how easy it is to miss quality needles in the musical haystack. Kev Brown always brings the funk, and this is no exception - classic boom-bap with his own particular aura. It's easy to forget he's an MC too, and his more natural tone is my preference over LMNO's flow - but they both get it done. This is from the "Selective Hearing" album, which also has a follow-up which I'll have to check too!

Method Man & Redman : 1, 2, 1, 2

One of those combinations that seems obvious in retrospect but seismic when it happened, Method Man and Redman's coming together has been a source of joy in the artform. Their debut "Blackout!" had a number of big tunes, but this is probably one of the less-played ones. DJ Scratch gives the MCs a nice funky beat with some bounce for them to swap bars over. There's always room for a track like this.

7L & Esoteric ft. Inspektah Deck : Speaking Real Words

I wigged out the first time I heard this, and it's one of those tracks I have two copies of on vinyl - in fact, that's why you may just detect a dip in volume near the start, it's that dreaded cue burn! Big tune out of Boston from that late 90s independent scene, with Deck from the Wu of course stealing the show lyrically. 7L is usually responsible for their production but on this track he hands the reins to fellow Bostonians Vinyl Reanimators, who do a bang-up job. The horns make me think of a choppy, Hip-Hop version of "Sledgehammer"!

Rakim : When I B On Tha Mic

Apologies for the audio glitch in this one! While "The Master" LP might not have made as much noise as other Rakim releases, this single was pretty universally lauded. A trademark DJ Premier beat right here! It's not Rakim's most complex writing, but still a cut above most and for a track like this, pitched just right. I do love his tribute to the DJ in the second verse, along with matching turntable manipulation - an inspired bit of post-production.

[Madlib] Madlib & Freddie Gibbs : Real (Instrumental)

I'm not actually much of a Madlib fan but he turns it out on both parts of this beat from the "Piñata" LP!

Geechi Suede : Mahogany Mami

Clearly on a burst of creativity right now, Geechi Suede follows "Fishnet Skyscrapers" with the "Purple Suede" mixtape, made up of tracks sampling Prince. The groove for "Kiss", as used here, is always one to give you that energy.

Steve Arrington's Hall Of Fame : 15 Rounds

Very much of its time, we have here a track from the former Slave frontman's 1984 "Positive Power" LP. Not especially subtle lyrically, but not putting it all the way out there either! The growling, stereo-spread keyboard bass on this is a beast.

Midnight Express : Danger Zone (Extended Version)

Apparently this style is now referred to as "boogie" - for me, this is just what soul records sounded like when I was a kid :) This is an absolute bomb out of Rock Island, Illinois, originally released in 1983. The video very much gives the impression of the guys in the edit suite just pressing every button available, which makes it worth the watch at least once :)

Ronnie Hudson : West Coast Pop Lockin'

Rounding out the run of 80s heat, we have a 100% classic that is likely to give some of you a sudden gasp of recognition! Yes, this 1982 track is the origin of the hook of 2Pac & Dre's "California Love", which came out fourteen years later. It also incorporates musical and lyrical elements from Zapp's "So Ruff, So Tuff", which was a big record at the time. (Actually, it is easily one of the greatest records of all time). Ronnie Hudson was a singer and bassist out of Washington D.C. who moved to Los Angeles and met some pretty rugged characters while doing the research for this track! This is a real California anthem.

Miguel Migs : Do It For You (Bump The Tech Dub)

Hip-Hop is rarely up around this speed, so I had a dig into my house crate to come up with this remix. The original vocal version of this cut, featuring Li'Sha (aka Lisa Shaw) is well worth picking up if this is a style you enjoy!

Little Shawn : That Girl

I got "The Voice In The Mirror" a year or so back purely to get this song, which up to that point I'd heard only once - when I was about 14. It didn't sound quite like I remembered, but that Madonna sample being played up and down the keyboard (I thought they were pitch-bending it somehow) had stuck in my head for all those years! Little Shawn (later Shawn Pen) is on that light flow here as he is on most of the album, which is interesting because for those that know...nothing lightweight about him! Hitman Howie Tee is on production and it sounds very much like something targeted toward the radio of the time. It's not like this is my favourite record or anything, but it is one I was glad to find and am happy to share.

Please remember to support the artists you like! The purpose of putting the podcast out and providing the full tracklist is to try and give some light, so do use the songs on each episode as a starting point to search out more material. If you have Spotify in your country it's a great way to explore, but otherwise there's always Youtube and the like. Seeing your favourite artists live is the best way to put money in their pockets, and buy the vinyl/CDs/downloads of the stuff you like the most!

Check out this episode!

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