#Stop Seeking Validation

[soulinkpoetry]

When you constantly seek validation from people, you can never be yourself. You’ll always try to reach THEIR idea of perfection. You’ll always be on edge and anxious for not being good enough for them. Stop it , because it will make you sick. Take a step back and determine what you stand for , reach your own kind of perfection, only for you and nobody else, it’s your life you’re living, not theirs. If they’re not accepting of you they don’t have to be a part of it.

.

.

#stop seeking validation #be yourself #improve yourself for you #self care #soulinkpoetry #poetry #thoughts #she writes #feelings #poets on tumblr #writers and poets #poetscommunity

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[caelanglang]

The O(ccasionally)samu D(runk)azai

#drunk dazai bc hes the actual alcoholic one #also bc i wanted a very flustered chuuya #YES EVEN IF THEYRE MARRIED ALREADY BC WHY NOT #i hc drunk dazai is still pretty alert but then if he realizes its someone he someone he can trust (chuuya etc) he just goes soft boy mode #soft honest boy ehehe #also occasionally emotional and vulnerable and validation/reassurance seeking and chuuya always knows #okay i will stop rambling this was rotting my mind the past few days #playing wasia project's ur so pretty on the background when i was drawing these #behold. my therapy (real) #bsd #skk #my art #sketch #sketches #bsd dazai #bsd chuuya #established skk

[cerosin-bis]

Okay once and for all I am not interested in mwii's Latest Fandom Drama (it changes every week this is a general statement) and "fans of x are saying y about z!!!" and whatnot. I do not want you to put it under my nose asking for my "opinion" about it. I am 27, I work fulltime AND I am entirely irrelevant to the mwii fandom. I am the ignorer and all i do on this blog is focus my energy on sharing things I like with whoever likes it too: my blog is a place for creative outlets, mine and others' and that is literally all 🫡

#I am very opinionated but this is not the place. my advice is b reasoned & critical and stop seeking others validation. peace n love ensues. #I am entirely serious

[loveaetingkids]

(Credit or reblog if you wanna use)

#im sure that series about horses who tell you about healthy friendships and boundaries would’ve solved 99 of kens problems #he would return to barbieland and be like: #“dudes.we should uplift each other and stop seeking validation from ppl who won’t give it to us- #-these super cool colorful ponies taught me that” #meme #my little pony #my little pony friendship is magic #mlp #barbie #barbie movie #ken #shower thoughts

[martellspear]

people will be like "omg i hate elia, fuck her!!"

and this is people:

#it's nott elia stans that you didn't get enough attention growing up #go talk to your friends and stop seeking validation from people you don't know #it's ridiculous #also: it'd be fun if you embraced the narrative you created and accepted that you've turned your faves into horrible people

[sproutzai]

the disorder faking in this generation is genuinely wild. like.

#yiure meaning to tell me you have DID #a disorder known for severe memory loss #a disorder known to be so so difficult to disgnose to anyone unrer the age of 18 #and all of ur alters r fictional cjaracters?? all of them remember to sign off with a silly emoji?? all remember how to use a phone?? #bullshit genuine bullshit i dont care #maybe thats because i have an interest in psychology but . be so for realm #if youre gonna fake a disorder at least do the minimum amount of research #i dont even qanna get STARTED on the “autism” community #“w-wait this isnt normal??” and its like. being tired after social events. #i guarentee it is normal. #Good lord stop diagnosing yourself off tiktok or instagram reels #see genuine psychiatrists / doctors 😭. #self diagnosing isnt valid #never will be #btw #if you think you have a disorder do research and dont announce it like youve been diagnosed for the past 7 years #“i think i have adhd because i have heavy symptoms” is more mentally positive then “I ABSOLUTELY HAVE ADHD I SAW 3 REELS” #exaggeration but you know what i mean #“b-but zai!! what about the people who cant get a diagnosis!!” womp womp?? use the point i said before???? #therell come an age for everyone where they can go be independant with it and seek genuine help bruh #my bad for ranting but like. christ. #normalise mental illnesses but not the way half of you are doing it .... #🌱 idle #🌱 rant

[femme-dor]

Baffled that there are folks on this site who seriously defend ‘pick-me’ girls & their embarrassing behavior as having “Autism” or “trauma from girl bullying” as if Internalized Mysoginy is simply a byproduct of mental illness & mean girls in High School and not years of conditioned toxic sexist beliefs combined with self-loathing and a need to feel validated which affects anyone both on and off the spectrum.

#it’s isn’t about not liking traditionally feminine stuff #it’s about you setting yourself apart from the women men hate #to be validated #that’s not ADHD #or autism #that’s self loathing & insecurity #seek therapy #pick me behavior #pick me girl #stop this now #mental health #for my girls #my thoughts #this armchair therapy has gone too far #queue are so beautiful to me

[hummingbirdbae]

The moment you realize that seeking validation and caring about what people think of you is what really ruined you to the core.

#toxic shame #self love #spirituality #self development #self care #stop seeking validation outside yourself

[kinokoshoujoart]

so while i’ve been moving & not in the best position to draw real polished stuff, i’ve been digging through the dialogue files of sos awl, and basically there’s dedicated a dedicated file just for the stuff your child overhears about individual NPCs (one for your son and one for your daughter)

a lot of extremely juicy tidbits, everyone in town is airing their dirty laundry in front of your child i guess!! the naughty, normal, and shy personalities usually overhear different things… not to mention the sons lines slightly vary from the daughters, and there’s different lines per chapter. and the lines carry different nuance in japanese and english, in AWL vs AnWL vs SE vs SOS AWL. so many possibilities…

HOWEVER…

a bunch of the secrets for individual npcs are just “What?”. this infuriated me because the first block of “What?” on the list starts with Nami and Rock, both of whom I am absolutely dying to know more about, and they are both victims of this mysterious plague pretty consistently

my first thought was that they were lines cut from the original, but after checking the message files for AWL (in english and japanese) they always said “what?”..

so if your child says “what?” often, just know that they’re probably trying to tell you an npc secret so obscure that the game itself has silenced them !

i kinda wanna organize the existing secrets/comments by character and post em, lmk if that would interest you or if seeing this stuff would ruin immersion/be boring. there’s so much lore that feels Buried but so tantalizingly close to the surface to me and now knowing how it works it feels like you would be unlikely to see it all even if you married everyone (unless i’m missing something)

anyway here’s some brainless rocks (free secret,! he is the only ‘human’ in AWL aware that he is inside of a video game)

#you’d think they’d fill them or just remove them in given this is the 4th WL title #i also checked AnWL and it’s exactly the same #was not able to check SE since the method for ps2 games is different and my noggin isn’t big enough #even after doing all this the characters still feel like a mystery to me. i wanna know #i’m even more curious now about like nami and lumina in particular #even after seeking answers to my persistent questions about my boytoy he is still elusive. i’m still learning new things about him. insane #i’m supposed to be an art blog #but it’s My Blog and i don’t have a great drawing surface right now #in shambles at what i’ve learned of my husband (i hurt my shoulder drawing on a not great surface because my headcanon was validated) #i apologize for being unable to stop shaking him like a chewy toy #cora releases brain toxin again #cora.txt #rock collection #rock tumbling (sos)

[skitskatdacat63]

I feel uninspired and lack motivation for art again so I thought of an ask game for me :)

Send me(or comment) a number from 1-34 and I will draw my corresponding oc

I mentally struggled over whether I should make this post, because ik ocs are niche and probably not many people care for it, but I realized I could have been using those hours to y'know. Actually draw something. So I might as well just post it

#i would do it with AUs but i would actually have to yknow think of a narrative #<- but tbh if you have any requests for au art i will take them 😭😭 #also w that and this i cant make any promises if ill actually finish them so please put up w me thanks 🙏 #i want to draw but #ive gotten into a bad mindset again #about measuring self worth w outside validation #which is very irritating 😾 stop it brain. #but yeah idk i reblog those posts often abt niche audiences #which im very okay w btw :) #but its still a very difficult thing to engrain that: ah people do care for my art! #and ik its unhealthy to seek validation #and i can and do draw for myself #but its not always fun to me if i cant discuss it yknow :/ #if catie makes a piece of art in a silent room does the art really exist? blah blah blah #i need to go suffocate myself in the snow #im happy my winter break is so long but at the same time i think it just puts me in a bad place mentally #lack of social interaction and lack of enrichment and no motivation ig :/ #and every night i mean to actually go to bed earlier and boom suddenly its 5 am #and i keep staying up in hopes ill actually yknow start something. art. writing. movie even #and then i just languish UGH #catie.rambling.txt

[chaotic-history]

ignore this post cause it's just me being stupid but i felt the need to get it out. anyway today i finally got an advisor for my senior project and she'd already said yes to it through email but i went to meet w her about it today (she's my history teacher from a couple years ago and she was one of my favorite teachers) and she told me that she said yes to me even though she's already helping other people w their senior projects bc my topic (queer lit throughout history) is similar to the topic she did her thesis on in college and bc she felt like,, protective of me bc 1) controversial topic and 2) i mentioned in the email that i go by alex now, which. combine that with my topic and u can extrapolate a good fucking inference, n she said that while she was reading the email she was like "alex is mine now" and i am. not doing okay 😭😭 ma'am you cannot say that to someone who is so fucking desperate for any sort of acceptance from my a mother. and also desperate for academic validation. like i am aware this is a fully irrational reaction to care so much abt this but. raaaahfjsjvdjskc

#@ self stop seeking parental-type validation from teachers 2k23 #ALSO she told me that i always have a spot on the wq team if i want it #which i do but i cant cause it conflicts with mun and also i'm 99% sure no one on the team likes me #personal

[daminini]

never getting over how y’all subjected me to that “Christopher Jamal Evans” bullshit just for him to turn around and marry a white girl nearly half his age

#nothing about him ever gave black woman lover but hark #black women and thier niggafication of non black men #anti blackness and misogyny working in tandem to forever cause the insecure to seek validation in the form of romantic relationships #with those of a higher social standing (wh*te people) #there’s a reason why all discussions sorrouding interracial dating and mixed children start and stop only with them

[redrocketpanda]

My boyfriends parents, upon learning about me for the first time less than a month ago: a deluge of excited messages to their son asking all about me and when they can meet me, inviting me to stay at their house, asking when we're going to get married, wanting to spend time with me and get to know me, saying how much they like me and want to see me again, HUGGING me and being affectionate towards me, thanking me for being there

Versus

My mother, who has been hearing about my boyfriend for months, responding to me asking if we could go for dinner so she could meet him: [extended awkward silence] um... well. I don't know. I think I should see you on your own first (because that always bodes well) [doesn't express any enthusiasm, interest or make any arrangements]

#and then she wonders why i a) dont ever want to talk to her and b) dont ever want to see her #she also barely asked me about my trip away for my birthday bc she was too busy wanting to rant to me about all her woes and anger #🙃 #love that for me #reasons why i CRIED and keep crying over my boyfriends parents reaction to me #like the idea that there are people who actively seem to want me to be part of their family and make me feel welcome???? #when most of my family has either disowned me and/or is clearly utterly disinterested in me as a person/my existence #i am just a thing to ignore or speak at #and i cannot believe that thats not the case in other families #one day i will learn to stop seeking validation or ANYTHING remotely resembling love from my mother but i clearly havent yet

[specialagentartemis]

I would argue that to my recollection Murderbot in fact does not do a single on-page murder until Network Effect.  “These people are actively trying to kill me so I have to kill them back to protect myself/my clients/my friends” doesn’t count as “murder.”  Only in NE does it join its noble predecessors GLaDOS, Hera, and Breq in Actual Revenge Murder

#one of the things that makes me emotional about Murderbot is how consistently and explicitly non-revengey it is #Revenge does not drive it. It is not out for revenge #mostly it just wants to live its life and be left alone and for the people who hurt and abused it to not be able to hurt it anymore #and once it gets free it doesn't ever seek out anyone who hurt it - individually or structurally - for revenge #It just wants to live its life. As it says to Gurathin: revenge is a stupid human way to think about it #(paraphrased) #It just... I don't know how to articulate it which is why this is in the tags and not a real meta post but. It doesn't want revenge! #It just wants to be free and safe and for the people it cares about to be safe and for the company to not be anywhere near it anymore #as distinctly opposed to Hera who tried to kill Hilbert after his betrayal at her first opportunity #It was partially preemptive defense - don't know what else he can do - but Minkowski considered him pretty neutralized as a threat #Hera wanted him dead. Hera wanted to kill him for what he did to her #(and she is VALID I love her) #Like. It is sort of implied that Hera didn't fully understand death at the time? She died and then came back broken and in pain #She wanted to do the same to Hilbert #She's noticeably less enthusiastic about killing after Maxwell and Hilbert's actual deaths #GLaDOS meanwhile was Caroline who got brain-uploaded to a computer as she begged Cave Johnson to stop #and so the moment she got control of the facility she killed everyone in the whole company who let that happen to her #this is why she's valid #Breq is the greatest and I love her #that was an existing tag. Amazing #Breq is setting off to kill the space emperor less from a stance of political responsibility or principles but more because Anaander ordered #her favorite human's death #which is funny because it's for Awn but it's also kind of framed as a pain against /her/ too #(by funny I mean sad) #Whereas when Murderbot really and finally leans into Revenge Murder. It's for ART. What people do against itself isn't really worth resent #But these people killed ART #and that's what really sparks a murder rampage #it's interesting characterization for everybody really #The Murderbot Diaries

[wysteria-clad]

mini rant/update:

Bridgerton season three wait is so long for me, and it doesn't hold my attention anymore.

I will no longer be writing for Bridgerton characters simply because I lost interest in it and moved on from that fandom. I'm sorry for the peeps who followed me for Bridgerton months ago.

Also, I'm thinking about removing my taglist system. But I haven't decided that one yet.

My priorities have shifted and lots of things has happened to me in the last few months. I have a lot on my plate right now, so I decided to spend more energy and focus on those things personally.

I will be no longer be constantly active and posting fics like I used to do in the past months.

No, I'm not leaving tumblr or anything, I'm still working on the requests that i got in my ask box.

Thank you everyone for sticking with me and supporting me so far. I hope this year is gentle and kind to you and good luck on all your endeavours <3

#lil update #text #also I'm learning to stop over apologising #i gotta learn to move on from things and don't apologise for it or seek any approval or validation #as you can see it's a work in progress