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#Taylorlurking

I know I haven’t been online in a while but honestly the world has been so scary and I have been avoiding social media and the news. I work in our local emergency room and we are getting slammed with COVID-19 patients. We currently have 66 positive cases in our very small hospital. We are pretty much out of all supplies we need so even though things are only one time use we have to wash them and use them again. We don’t have the staff or the proper equipment for this situation and I am terrified. My husband got laid off and we’re already falling behind. I am afraid of getting sick or bringing it home to my loved ones. I am trying so hard to stay clean and safe but in my situation it is really hard. I won’t lie, I cried on my way to work today. One of our nurses is intubated in our ICU because of this virus. I don’t want it to be me next. @taylorswift please stay home and stay safe. You are on my list of loved ones who I can’t handle them getting sick. Your music has been getting me through this. I literally don’t know what I’d do without you right now. Thank you for what you’ve been doing for our community it doesn’t go unnoticed. I’ll keep fighting this fight because you inspire me to. 😔💚😷🤒🤧

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Where have I been?

Hey guys! I know it’s been a while since I’ve made, posted anything on here. ((I did FINALLY start a @taylorswift fan based Instagram, it’s the same handle, SwiftieMcDibbles, but even that was very recent)) So, not like anyone cares, here’s a life update I guess.

I DID have to end up selling my Lover Fest West tickets, and cried about it in the dark for a couple of nights. I feel like I broke a promise to my son, I did explain why to him and since he is the most understanding, sweet boy he was a little disappointed but understood. I have full faith I will take him to see her live one day. It is crushing though to know that because of financial problems I couldn’t deliver, I knew we couldn’t afford a trip from South Carolina to California, with hotel costs, food, etc. So I had to do it. And that’s that. And no, I did not make any money off of them, I sold them at the price I bought them, I can’t believe people think its normal to buy tickets for a couple hundred dollars and then re-sell them for THOUSANDS literally, it’s kind of gross so just don’t do it.

So when my fiance was deployed, about 4 months in we decided for me to stop working. I’ve gone back to school to become a lawyer and between that and suddenly being a “single mom”, while he was gone, was just too much. I have, yes I’ve been diagnosed for years now, Socialized Anxiety Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and Bipolar 1(which is WAY different than Bipolar that people think they know). On top of that, my other illness is also an invisible one and that is Rhuematoid Arthritis, which is an autoimmune disease/deficiency. So A LOT of my days are filled with pain and worry and panic. I take my medications as well as natural remedies but it can only do so much, there is no cure. As I’ve gotten older, I’m 33, the Rhuematoid keeps getting worse. I’m quarantined now, because my immune system is at risk with the Coronavirus. So, since mid March, I’ve been at home with a Kindergartner, trying to home school and stay healthy. I’m extremely concerned about Coronavirus, and that people are not taking this seriously. I wish it would not be compared to other viruses or illnesses, but it is. Please, I beg you stay home. If you stay home, you’re not spreading it. And you could save lives.

The real kicker in this too, is RIGHT before this pandemic, back in February it became apparent I needed to go back to work. My fiance made more while overseas, which is why I stopped working. And it was always just until he got home and settled. I was AGGRESSIVELY looking for a job in my field, then started looking for any job. It then became clear that COVID-19 was more serious than initially thought so guess what? No one is hiring. Bills are piling up, and accounts are dwindling. I’ve had to ask my parents for help a lot and they have when they could but they are feeling this economy as well.

So now, I’m cleaning houses when I can and doing anything to get through. Probably start selling some stuff soon. It’s really rough right now, but we will pull through. All of us will. My son’s birthday was March 26th and thank God we bought stuff for him over time so that we weren’t having to spend money we don’t have for him to have a good birthday. However, his party was set for tomorrow. At a local lake that has a big park and two big docks to fish off of, because he wanted a Marvel vs. DC fishing party(the mind of a then 5 year old boy is always wonderous). So yet again, he had to be told something we planned for was either postponed or not gonna happen. Once again, he’s fine, so resilient. I hope it’s just postponed because its paid for and with all the parks closed I can’t get in contact with anyone there to see what the deal is. We could use that money!

So yeah, life is rough. I’m homeschooling my son while taking courses online myself. I’m going stir crazy, my depression is pretty bad at the moment. I just feel like I’m not holding up my side of things. All the financial burden is on my fiance and I feel terrible for that. He’s considering selling his truck, that he JUST got in January because he NEEDED a new car, well it’s a 2012 but new to us. I will literally die before I let him do that, this man works so hard. He’s National Guard so he works a civilian job and then has to drill. The way his schedule works is he is LUCKY to get 2 SATURDAYS a month off, and that’s it. So of course, I feel worthless which makes all the mental health issues I have way worse.

So yup, that’s where I’ve been. In a dark place I’m really hoping will lighten up soon.

I truly hope everyone is doing ok. I know times are scary and hard but just be patient and do what your leaders are telling you to do as far as the Coronavirus is concerned. Love you guys! If you get too down, just throw on a Taylor album and escape for a minute, it’s what has helped me.

@taylorswift you are an inspiration right now, and all the time. What you’re doing to help those in need is remarkable and you have stayed the epitome of class throughout the entire past 4 years when basically half the world thought you were a liar. And instead of rejoicing in your victory, you took the spotlight away from that call and put in on The World Health Organization. Way to go! Hope your anxieties are not too bad right now, hope your Mom is doing well, everyone else too. Ok, I’m done now lol.

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