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busterheadspace · 10 months

Note

I saw your Inside Job Bad Things Happen bingo, and I was wondering if you could write something with Brett and Reagan for "get well soon gift"?

(also! Hi!! It's @reagans-malewife! thank you so much for reblogging my stuff :) )

No problem (also sorry for delay)

Note: Request are open. I have Two Bingos left so hurry if you want a prompt around it

—-

Brett held back a sneeze as people walked by him. It agitated his throat but it was okay. People didn’t need to know that he wasn’t feeling good. But what if they noticed? He was acting strange today.

The mild ache in his bones got worse through the day, and his head was really starting to hurt. He tried to be at his full of energy and helpful but hiding whatever he caught made the effort hard.

He eventually reached the exit of the building and went to his car. Other people were leaving for the day and a part of him couldn't wait to sleep. He found his car and opened it. Sitting down brought some relief and he leaned his head against the wheel. He was so tired…

It couldn't hurt to take a break. Maybe he'll feel better after a few minutes of closing his eyes..

—

Something tapping on his window made Bret reopen his eyes. He lifted his head, winced and held his neck. Along with the tiredness, his neck aches and his nose was stuffy. That didn’t really help

The noise on his window made him refocus. To his surprise, it was Reagan who was doing it . He rolled down his window and tried to look okay.

"Hey Reag-dog. Kinda glad to see you leave early, I thought you would be working until midnight " Reagan looked confused at the response.

"Brett, it's one am” What?! He looked around. The parking lot was empty beside his and Reagan's car. How long did he close his eyes for?

"Sorry.. sorry. I fell asleep. I'll go-.. go" He felt another sneeze coming and it was loud. He could his nose running and his body aches from the motion. He sneezed repeatedly and once he’s finished, he’s breathing heavily.

“Are you okay? You seemed off during lunch.” Reagan was looking at him worried and he didn’t like it. She already has so many issues to deal with, he’s not that important. He shrugged, and leaned his head against the seat

“Allergies… I think..” He mumbled and reached for the key to start the car. A hand stops him from turning it. She held onto him for a few moments before touching his face

“I don’t think it’s allergies. You’re warm.”

“I’m okay.. just tired..I can go home”

“I can drive you home. I'm not letting you fall asleep behind the wheel.' Reagan opened the car door, and helped him out. He was leaning on her, making it a bit of a struggle to get him to the passenger side but she managed.

As soon as Brett was in the passenger seat, his body relaxed against his will, his head turning fuzzy as the seat was reclined. Reagan slid into the driver seat, putting her seatbelt and began driving .

Brett had dozed off while they drove. It was quiet for a few minutes until Reagan heard him muttering in his sleep.

“I don't want to be a bother...”

It made Reagan frowned as she drove out of the parking lot. Brett was never a bother. She wondered how he was cared for when he was sick as a kid. She really hoped it wasn't horrible but knowing Brett’s family.. She hated that his family hurted him in so many ways.

Brett whined, his face scrunching up seen in the mirror. Maybe he was dreaming or his mind was being weird but it was clear he was upset. She tried to think what could help calm him down, and realized it was something she wasn’t exactly good at or liked. With a deep breath, Reagan put a hand on Brett’s arm, squeezing it lightly. It makes him relax a bit.

“Okay, we’re almost home. Just hang on there.” She mumbled

—-

Brett woke up, and sneezed again. He sat up, rubbing his nose, and sniffled. He was full awake hearing something falling nearly and someone cursing loudly. He rubbed his eyes, realizing he wasn’t home. He was at Reagan’s place

Despite how he felt, Brett stood up with a blanket around his shoulders and moved toward the kitchen. Reagan was in there, cleaning something off the floor. Brett quickly went over to help and she stopped.

“Oh shit. Did I wake up?” Reagan asked. “You should be back on the couch.”

“I’m okay.” Brett said and coughs into his arm. “What are you doing?”

She pointed to the counter. Brett saw open cans on the containers, and a pot boiling and the clock in the wall.

“Are you making me..?”

“Soup. I don’t have much food and I never really cooked but food always help”

“Reagan it’s like, five in the morning. Did you stay up all night for me?” Brett had just notice the bags on her face. It was his fault she didn’t sleep.

“It’s fine Brett. You helped me when I was sick. I’m going to help you mow. Also because I didn’t even notice you weren’t yourself.”

The stove began making noises before Brett could response and Reagan got up to see what was the problem. She grabbed two bowls and sat back on the floor, handing him a bowl of.. dark soup with green beans in it. Brett took one bite and almosted gagged but he swallowed it.

“Reagan, you were in much worse conditions than me when you sick. This is probably a cold. I’m sorry for bothering you.”

“Brett, you’re never a bother to me.” Reagan respond. “I mean you help everyone. Why can’t I help you? I know your family never gave a shit about you but, I do. Just take off work when you feel sick. You probably would have been at Cognito the whole night if I wasn’t working late.”

Brett smiled and took another sip of the soup, regretting it instantly as he felt his throat burning and sometung coming up. He stood up and raced to the sink, puking pratically nothing but the soup and stomach acid .

“Oh shit! Are you okay?!”

He gave her a weaks thumbs up before leaning on the counter. Now he felt horrible and tired now.

“Can.. we. sleep.. please”

Reagan nodded and quickly lead him to the couch. He falls onto it, and feel asleep. Reagan was staring at him before yawning. She probably had to deal with the mess in the kitchen. Note to herself that she had to find better ways to cook because she rather not see Brett puked again. She was tired.. and maybe Brett would prefer if she stayed down here.

Sitting at the edge of the couch, she curled herself up for long a nap.

#inside job #inside job fanfic #reagan ridley #brett hand #sick character #sickfic

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pbandjesse · 4 months

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I was pretty bored today. There were times I was very busy but mostly I was just. Bored to tears. I hope next week there is more to do.

I didn't sleep amazing last night but it was better. I fell asleep a lot easier. I slept most of the way through the night. But when I woke up my eyes hurt very bad. Just very very painful. So getting ready was pretty rough and I was not in a great spot emotionally because of that.

James would still wait for me to be ready so we could leave together. Even if I was unhappy about other stuff, kissing James goodbye made the morning a little better.

My drove to camp was fine. It was very cold this morning. But even though I just wanted to be in the warm office I decided that the first thing I would do is to move the gator for Joe.

I drove it the back way through the woodlands village. And despite it being very cold, it was a beautiful morning.

I wasn't sure which porch Joe wanted me to park the gator at so I chose the 4th one because it had the flattest surface. Good enough.

I walked back to the office and my legs were very cold. I had tights on under my jumpsuit but not the very thick ones so my legs were still very chilly. I was glad I was inside for the rest of the day.

I was hoping my sorting project with the files was going to take me a long time. But it was barely two hours. I struggled to keep the names in my head but I did a pretty good job pulling everything together. I did need some assistance because apparently I couldn't remember Nick names and names and was convinced we didn't have folders for half of the list. I figured it out though and made a nice alphabetical box of returning staff. Hopefully returning staff.

I didn't really know what to do after that. I have Heather the cit program I made yesterday and she gave me feedback about what I could work on expanding and I would spend another hour or so working on that. Lots of googling and research. Some direction from AI. I was pretty happy with it.

I ate my lunch late because I wanted the day to go faster. But it didn't helped. And by 130 I was so bored. I was so over the day. I tried to work on some more writing but it was just. Not happening.

I did some house research. Looking at couches and Pinterest. I did some dumb stuff. Just poking around. I ended up just sitting and watching TikToks and playing with slime??? I had silly putty in my desk and I put a bunch of mini pebbles/gravel in it and lotion and mixed it all together and popped the putty until all the rocks came out again. This was how bored I was.

I suggested we send a secondary email to last year's staff to see if anyone else wants to come back. I offered to compile the email addresses we have had no response from so we can send to their specifically. But it took a while to get me the info so it was basically time for me to go do it will be a next week project.

Before I left I had a nice little conversation with Heather about about the house and she seemed impressed by how we are handling everything and everything we are doing and it made me feel good. No new news today but I am letting myself be a little more excited every day. Still low key but still excited.

My drive home was a little tough. People driving stupid. But I got home before 430 and was happy to be here.

I would clean up a little and get in bed with lay with sweetp while we waited for James to get home. And I was super happy to see them.

We decided we would go to Mathews for dinner. I dont know if we have been to Mathews on a Friday and it was surprising to see it so busy! But we still got a table. And I loved overhearing all the very Baltimore accents and conversation.

It was fun just being with James. My allergies were acting up and my nose was really runny but I was happy. We talked about the house and the game they are seeing tomorrow. How it may storm and hopefully snow. How that might effect my plans with Celia. And the food we had, while it took a little bit to come out, was worth the wait and was fabulous. Always is.

After dinner we drove down the street to go to target. We got a few frozen things I can microwave. Got Sweetp some cat food. I got to smell the new girl scout deodorant and chose which ones I'll buy online later (because they are cheaper on the website). It wasn't to busy and I was having a nice time walking around.

When we got home I got cozy in bed to write this! My mouth is itchy from my allergies but I am okay. I think I will go and take a shower and get ready to go to sleep.

Tomorrow I hope to read and do a little deciding on getting rid of some stuff. And then hopefully I am going skating with Celia. I really hope it works out. Though I am also hoping for good snow.

I hope you all have a good night and have fun tomorrow. Sleep well everyone. Goodnight!!

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niumiu · 8 months

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Bee Extinction

Summary: Gregor is awakened in the middle of the night by Hong Lu, who's in a roleplaying mood. Warnings: Cringe, I guess? Roleplaying, Suggestive Sexual Content

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Gregor woke up in the middle of the night ready for a fight. Something had shook him awake, he blinked quickly to get his eyes to function normally and kicked at the bedsheets.

“Hey, Hey! Oh! Don’t point your pointy arm at me— Hey!” The familiar voice spoke through his struggle.

“Wh— What!? What!?” Gregor replied and halted his movements.

He blinked a few more times and a blurry shape started coming into sight, still not recognizable enough.

“Here.” He felt something being pushed on his face, and once he realized it was his glasses he adjusted them on the bridge of his nose. Finally he could see Hong Lu’s face a bit more clearly. “You’re so fussy when you wake up, haha…”

“Did something happen?” Gregor asked.

Hong Lu just smiled at him cryptically. Gregor started realizing something was off.

“What are you… wearing…”

That seemed to finally make the sinner sparkle to life.

“Do you like it? Look at my pretty little wings!” He spun around to show off his outfit.

“A… A bee costume? Where did you get th—”

“There’s no time for questions!” Hong Lu shushed him with a finger to his lips, Gregor could only give him a baffled, wide-eyed look. “An evil beekeeper wiped the entire colony!”

Gregor blinked twice. The confusion was clear enough on his face, but it seemed Hong Lu was merely ignoring it. Or he was so engrossed in his narrative he genuinely didn’t notice it. Only heavens knew.

“What does that mean…?” Gregor muttered once he was given enough space to breathe again.

Hong Lu sat on his hips and pinned him down between his thighs. He tried to maintain a serious face for a split second— to help sell the narrative better, probably— but he failed and was back to grinning wide.

“You have to hold me down by my little wings and help repopulate the hive!”

Gregor’s head started hurting. Like he was stabbed on the temple or something. The words stabbed his brain and he didn’t know how. Was this some type of self manifested EGO?

“What’s with that face?” Hong Lu tilted his head. “We have no time to waste, else the evil beekeeper will return!”

“But why…”

“We have to build up an army so we can fight back, the evil beekeeper has a bee allergy, of course!”

Gregor put his hand on Hong Lu’s shoulder, and the sinner made a tiny interrogative noise.

“Did you come up with all of this on your own…?”

“Do you not like my costume? I thought the shade of yellow was a little off, but I’ve never seen real bees. I mean, only in drawings.” Hong Lu rambled away.

“Okay, uh… Aight, bud. Okay, just. I just need a moment to… Process this. Alright?”

Hong Lu nodded.

Gregor breathed in slowly, then out harshly. He eyed Hong Lu up and down. The costume was sort of cute, with a tiny black frilly skirt that did not really cover the lingerie under it, matched by black and yellow striped thigh high socks. He was cute. The problem was the lore of the whole situation that made Gregor’s head hurt. It was so unfortunate that Hong Lu loved being creative with his… escapades. The war veteran was way too old for this kind of thing.

“So you’re… the queen?”

Hong Lu nodded excitedly.

“And I have to…”

“Hold me down by my little wings and help me repopulate the hive.” Hong Lu declared.

Gregor had no idea how he could say such things with a straight face. He sighed, already knowing he wasn’t going back to sleep.

“Alright, let’s—” He winced, “Let’s repopulate the hive before the evil beekeeper comes back.”

Hong Lu let out an excited “yay!” and threw his arms around Gregor’s neck, capturing his lips in a kiss sweeter than honey.

#limbus company #limbus hong lu #limbus gregor #hongreg #beta reader? get that omegaverse shit out of my face #jack ficlets

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longhaulerbear · 8 months

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https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/08/09/madeline-miller-long-covid-post-pandemic/?pwapi_token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9

Opinion Long covid has derailed my life. Make no mistake: It could yours, too.

August 9, 2023 at 5:45 a.m. EDT

(Scott Bakal for The Washington Post)

Madeline Miller, a novelist, is the author of “The Song of Achilles” and “Circe.”

In 2019, I was in high gear. I had two young children, a busy social life, a book tour and a novel in progress. I spent my days racing between airports, juggling to-do lists and child care. Yes, I felt tired, but I come from a family of high-energy women. I was proud to be keeping the sacred flame of Productivity burning.

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I didn’t know it was covid at the time. This was early February 2020, before the government was acknowledging SARS-CoV-2’s spread in the United States.

In the weeks after infection, my body went haywire. My ears rang. My heart would start galloping at random times. I developed violent new food allergies overnight. When I walked upstairs, I gasped alarmingly.

I reached out to doctors. One told me I was “deconditioned” and needed to exercise more. But my usual jog left me doubled over, and when I tried to lift weights, I ended up in the ER with chest pains and tachycardia. My tests were normal, which alarmed me further. How could they be normal? Every morning, I woke breathless, leaden, utterly depleted.

Worst of all, I couldn’t concentrate enough to compose sentences. Writing had been my haven since I was 6. Now, it was my family’s livelihood. I kept looking through my pre-covid novel drafts, desperately trying to prod my sticky, limp brain forward. But I was too tired to answer email, let alone grapple with my book.

Some long-covid patients have brain struggles for at least two years

When people asked how I was, I gave an airy answer. Inside, I was in a cold sweat. My whole future was dropping away. Looking at old photos, I was overwhelmed with grief and bitterness. I didn’t recognize myself. On my best days, I was 30 percent of that person.

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I turned to the internet and discovered others with similar experiences. In fact, my symptoms were textbook — a textbook being written in real time by “first wavers” like me, comparing notes and giving our condition a name: long covid.

In those communities, everyone had stories like mine: life-altering symptoms, demoralizing doctor visits, loss of jobs, loss of identity. The virus can produce a bewildering buffet of long-term conditions, including cognitive impairment and cardiac failure, tinnitus, loss of taste, immune dysfunction, migraines and stroke, any one of which could tank quality of life.

What is long covid? For the first time, a new study defines it.

For me, one of the worst was post-exertional malaise (PEM), a Victorian-sounding name for a very real and debilitating condition in which exertion causes your body to crash. In my new post-covid life, exertion could include washing dishes, carrying my children, even just talking with too much animation. Whenever I exceeded my invisible allowance, I would pay for it with hours, or days, of migraines and misery.

There was no more worshiping productivity. I gave my best hours to my children, but it was crushing to realize just how few hours there were. Nothing was more painful than hearing my kids delightedly laughing and being too sick to join them.

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Doctors looked at me askance. They offered me antidepressants and pointed anecdotes about their friends who’d just had covid and were running marathons again.

I didn’t say I’d love to be able to run. I didn’t say what really made me depressed was dragging myself to appointments to be patronized. I didn’t say that post-viral illness was nothing new, nor was PEM — which for decades had been documented by people with myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome — so if they didn’t know what I was talking about, they should stop sneering and get caught up. I was too sick for that, and too worried.

I began scouring medical journals the way I used to close-read ancient Greek poetry. I burned through horrifying amounts of money on vitamins and supplements. At night, my fears chased themselves. Would I ever get relief? Would I ever finish another book? Was long covid progressive?

It was a bad moment when I realized that any answer to that last question would come from my own body. I was in the first cohort of an unwilling experiment.

When vaccines rolled out, many people rushed back to “normal.” My world, already small, constricted further.

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Friends who invited me out to eat were surprised when I declined. I couldn’t risk reinfection, I said, and suggested a masked, outdoor stroll. Sure, they said, we’ll be in touch. Zoom events dried up. Masks began disappearing. I tried to warn the people I loved. Covid is airborne. Keep wearing an N95. Vaccines protect you but don’t stop transmission.

Few wanted to listen. During the omicron wave, politicians tweeted about how quickly they’d recovered. I was glad for everyone who was fine, but a nasty implication hovered over those of us who weren’t: What’s your problem?

Friends who did struggle often seemed embarrassed by their symptoms. I’m just tired. My memory’s never been good. I gave them the resources I had, but there were few to give. There is no cure for long covid. Two of my friends went on to have strokes. A third developed diabetes, a fourth dementia. One died.

Pico Iyer: Covid taught me what life might look like after death

I’ve watched in horror as our public institutions have turned their back on containment. The virus is still very much with us, but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has stopped reporting on cases. States have shut down testing. Corporations, rather than improving ventilation in their buildings, have pushed for shield laws indemnifying them against lawsuits.

Despite the crystal-clear science on the damage covid-19 does to our bodies, medical settings have dropped mask requirements, so patients now gamble their health to receive care. Those of us who are high-risk or immunocompromised, or who just don’t want to roll the dice on death and misery, have not only been left behind — we’re being actively mocked and pathologized.

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I’ve personally been ridiculed, heckled and coughed on for wearing my N95. Acquaintances who were understanding in the beginning are now irritated, even offended. One demanded: How long are you going to do this? As if trying to avoid covid was an attack on her, rather than an attempt to keep myself from sliding further into an abyss that threatens to swallow my family.

The United States has always been a terrible place to be sick and disabled. Ableism is baked into our myths of bootstrapping and self-reliance, in which health is virtue and illness is degeneracy. It is long past time for a bedrock shift, for all of us.

We desperately need access to informed care, new treatments, fast-tracked research, safe spaces and disability protections. We also need a basic grasp of the facts of long covid. How it can follow anywhere from 10 to 30 percent of infections. How infections accumulate risk. How it’s not anxiety or depression, though its punishing nature can contribute to both those things. How children can get it; a recent review puts it at 12 to 16 percent of cases. How long-haulers who are reinfected usually get worse. How as many as 23 million Americans have post-covid symptoms, with that number increasing daily.

More than three years later, I still have long covid. I still give my best hours to my children, and I still wear my N95. Thanks to relentless experimentation with treatments, I can write again, but my fatigue is worse. I recognize how fortunate I am: to have a caring partner and community, health insurance, good doctors (at last), a job I can do from home, a supportive publishing team, and wonderful readers who recommend my books. I’m grateful to all those who have accepted the new me without making me beg.

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Some days, long covid feels manageable. Others, it feels like a crushing mountain on my chest. I yearn for the casual spontaneity and scope of my old life. I miss the friends and family who have moved on. I grieve those lost forever.

So how long am I going to do this? Until indoor air is safe for all, until vaccines prevent transmission, until there’s a cure for long covid. Until I’m not risking my family’s future on a grocery run. Because the truth is that however immortal we feel, we are all just one infection away from a new life.

Expert opinions on covid guidance

#long covid

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mutiara-05 · 8 months

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I really hate watching the time passing me by and I also hate having to witness all my years fly so I hold my pen and sit down, it's time to write time for me to sort whats wrong and what's right but my life has been so fucking dull lately now so Ima tell you about my past and Ima keep it raw ok so back to the year of two thousands and five the mid of that year where I almost didn't survive was still in the womb and they announced me dead they scheduled curettage but "no" grandma said did a second check up and surprise I haven't died I was just chilling in there, was laying on my side now skip to mid august to my time to finally come I took about two days being a nightmare to mom well it's no surprise since she didn't want me at all but wanting a son he went and pinned her to a wall a disappointment since first breath by being a female my pink clothes highlighted the devil's clear fail the doctor who brought me said "she's a miracle" AB negative blood type yet she's alive.. untypical was hours old laying down when a nurse barged in yelling "a bomb was located, leave avoid your fin" the first four years of my life passed by really fast almost died a couple of times but that's the past got a bunch of allergies and one can easily kill me reason of death: a little peanut she couldn't see was five years old and already having trust issues but that's nothing because at six starts the abuse I've always wanted him to go a little bit further To stab him I needed an excuse since he's my father required straight A's while studying three languages school was an hour away and filled by dumb bitches made fun of and pushed around but I stood still all alone cause mama was busy to notice how I'm ill started writing at 6 as a joke but picked it at 10 for real I was alone and scarred I needed something to heal a couple failed tries then I wrote something so cool rushed to her feeling proud but she made me a fool I didn't hold a pen for full three years after that and I lost my spark while losing all the extra fat on sixth grade I failed to write an essay, no surprise costed me but I fixed it following my own advice high school started and was nothing like the movies from a teenage dream to a hell where you pay fees only one year then everything went down hill for me no hope, no dreams, not knowing who I should be fourteen was when I tried to take my life away but failed so I guess god really wanted me to stay now became dead inside using a fake smile to hide then knew an artist who took me to hope on a ride felt understood having a hero who knows my pain kept going by thinking about him under the rain by using his voice I crossed a phobia off of my list While aware he doesn't even know that I exist was struggling still but his smile helped me endure 2020 he left to cure his old left shoulder injure I remember so clear how I cried scared for him but he came back saving my life from being dim now 2021 oppression logged in after my hair cut overwhelmed I held a blue something ready to cut really wanting to see some red while killing myself but blacked out then woke under my books shelf I survived again so I had to create a second face living two lives and switching was the daily race but it's fine I was pretty chill, wanna know why? was waiting to be 17 believing that's when I'd die nineteenth august of two thousands twenty two at a restaurant waiting for two "friends" I knew many things went wrong that day but I didn't mind party's over, had a fight at home he won't be kind took a deep breath and calmly laid on my bed slept with a smile was sure by morning I'll be dead but "it's nine o'clock am" announced by my alarm I woke up at morning safe and sound with no harm my heart sank in why the fuck am I still here? I'm still alive I haven't died that's my biggest fear

Dressed up kinda overshowing to cover my state a couple males tried to hit, I lied: I'm not straight but "boys don't bite" oh yes I assure you they do I ain't letting my guard down, y'all stay safe tho went out with no permission to watch the world cup cool day but the loud sudden cheers fucked it up like sorry dudes I ruined such an important match you enjoy hearing cheers but I see a bloody patch skip that now its exams time I'm expected an A plus but I've been quite and over sleeping ain't it sus Results came back terrible, it ain't no surprise "How sad" "how unexpected" are my little lies let that too pass since it's now my birth month they took my light away and now I'm lost in a labyrinth decided I won't be celebrating nothing this year because I can't enjoy anything if he's not here I'm slipping back to a shadow that's blue and grey I'm slowly digging the dark grave where Ima lay but I don't care if my knees are buried in mud or even if I'm out there drowning in my own blood you can always start a battle and turn it to a war then put me in it with no gun no sword nor armour I can face the snipers alone and slay them all standing over cold bodies, you know I never fall I really don't need nobody, I don't wanna be saved save your pity, sweetness wasn't something I craved was once just a little girl who needed a warm hug but now a tomboy as cold as my iced coffee mug today I finally accepted that I am the villain here so fuck all of the promises I've made, am I clear? I ain't staying and I ain't trying, we won't go out won't write for nobody won't live in the same route I do have a list for the promises so I didn't forget but when I go extra for people I end with regret she was innocent one day but they hurt her a lot I built her a castle with high walls, for her I fought all she ever wanted was someone to read her a story now she write those and overuse the word sorry Dear lord I'm sorry for not being the best believer sorry that I only pray when I get a strong fever I'm sorry to my cousin, I cant keep being your idol I'm sorry grandma when you were alive I didn't call and I'm so sorry grandpa if I was ever too cold sorry aunt I stopped loving you when I got old sorry to my uncle who died the month I was born I blame myself for it every day and I'm still torn sorry to my "friends" I never loved you enough so sorry to the boy I turned down, I was rough sorry to the sun and the star that I did wrong you'll both keep shining in the lines of my song sorry to mama that I'm not the perfect daughter and sorry but I hate you so fucking much father to six thousands five hundred and seventy four days of me existing while being dead to my core

#writing #female writers #writers and poets #writers on tumblr #spilled ink #feeling #original poem #passion #tw depressing thoughts #tw depressing stuff #tw ed diet #vent #life story #18 years old #tw mental illness #tw sui ideation #long poem #long poetry

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silver-ace-of-spades · 1 year

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The Blazing Silver Light of Paldea

Chapter 19: Emergencia

Joy takes care of Silver when his illness gets more severe.

long chapter

big angst

(loves blorbo. tortures him.)

tw: blood, swearing, gross, hospital, near-death, throwing up (i'm emetophobic so it was pretty hard to write lmao, but it's ironically helping me deal with it)

arven/silver/blaze is my new ot3 lmao

~~~~~

Blaze felt better after nearly a week. She still had a mild cough, but that was due to the fact that her throat hadn't fully healed. She took a deep breath of fresh air and smiled.

Silver wasn't better yet. In fact, he had gotten worse. Blaze went to check on him and brought him some breakfast.

"Here's your breakfast, bud."

"Thank... you." Silver muttered between coughs. His voice was fried and speaking hurt.

"Do you want me to sit with you?" Blaze asked. "Since you're still feeling sick?"

"Mm-hmm."

Blaze sat with Silver and found it relaxing to sit next to him, until he coughed for nearly a minute and splattered the area in front of him with fluid. He sounded absolutely disgusting, but also pained and a bit scared. She panicked and called for Joy.

"Are you okay?"

Silver struggled to breathe and slightly whimpered, then nearly hacked up a lung. Even with his inhaler it was practically impossible to breathe.

Joy entered the room and checked on her child. "Blaze, what happened?"

"He coughed for a minute and it was really scary! He sounds like he's dying!"

Silver coughed again and some tears fell from their eyes. It hurt so much and it was so hard to breathe. Some more fluid sprayed from their mouth and Joy put a hand on their shoulder.

"How long has he been coughing?"

"Since–" Silver wheezed and struggled to speak, but attempted to anyway. "I woke–" More gross fluid got coughed out of his lungs. "...up."

Blaze put an ear to his chest and used their feline hearing to monitor his breathing, then gasped in horror. "He sounds worse than usual!"

Silver desparately tried to clear out his lungs, and Blaze got covered in his lung slime.

"Gross! Now I'm all wet and slimy..." Blaze exclaimed.

"Sorry..." Silver muttered before coughing for a few seconds. "I feel awful..."

Joy got out a stethoscope and listened to Silver's breathing, then looked at Blaze with a frown. "Sounds pretty bad."

Silver coughed for over a minute, and the fluid expelled from their lungs gradually went from clearish/greenish to darkish red.

"SILVER!!!" Blaze cried out in horror. Their best friend had just coughed up blood. Again. They didn't know what to do or say.

Joy immediately rushed Silver to the hospital she worked at. Venice rode in a separate flying taxi than Blaze and Silver as to not trigger his allergies and possibly kill anyone. Besides, he was starting to feel a bit more under the weather.

"Good morning, Nurse Joy the Mink, you're not in uniform." A man at the counter told the terrified mother.

"We have bigger issues!" Joy exclaimed. The hedgehog she was carrying coughed a few times and some blood stained his lips.

"Are we... at..." Silver moaned.

"We're at the hospital because you're coughing up blood again." Venice explained. "We're really worried ab–"

Silver coughed violently and some blood splattered onto the floor and onto his shirt. Joy started to cry and some tears fell onto Silver's blood-stained shirt.

"We'll get you treated, okay?" Joy said.

"M-Mom?" Silver coughed a few times.

"Yes, honey?" Joy asked.

"I'm scared."

"I know, honey. That's why we're here." Joy held her precious hedgie close to her and ran her fingers through their quills.

Silver let out a few hacking coughs as he hugged Joy back. Tears ran from his eyes and his nose watered a bit. He didn't want to die. He was only 14 and had a whole life ahead of him.

"We'll admit... Silver, was it?" The man asked.

"Correct." Joy said.

"We'll admit him right away and get him into the ER."

"Wait here, you two. It'll probably be a few hours." She told the other teens as she carried the blood-stained hedgehog into the ER.

"B-Blaze... I know I'm allergic to cats... but I need a hug. That's my sibling. He could very well die from this." Venice said quietly. He was wearing a mask to block her fur from his nose. He was also feeling a bit tired, and had bad congestion and a bit of a cough, and he didn't want anyone else to get sick.

Blaze sniffled and reached over to the mink, then hugged him for a minute. Venice got itchy and had difficulty breathing, but the hug was comforting. Blaze turned away to cough, and some tears started to gush out of her eyes.

"Did you just cough up fire? That's so cool!" Venice let out a wheezy chuckle and smiled.

"Yep, because I'm healthy again!" Blaze smiled. Venice was really positive and made her feel a bit better.

"That's sick! Ahem... I mean... healthy?"

Blaze giggled. They could definitely see the similarities between Silver and Venice. Both were Psychokinetic dorks who tried to be kind every day.

"You remind me so much of Silver." The cat smiled.

Venice blushed and smiled a bit. "Haha, so do you."

The teens sat in silence until they coughed at the same time. Blaze giggled and looked at Venice. He giggled back and blushed.

"Whenever Silver and I cough at the same time he says we're cough buddies." Venice told Blaze.

"Hehe, same." Blaze blushed. "It really cheers me up when I'm upset."

Venice nodded and smiled. He could tell Silver really liked Blaze. "He's such a good person. He doesn't deserve to suffer."

"Agreed." Blaze stated. Some tears threatened to burst out from her eyes. She sobbed into Venice's shoulder and he gently patted her back. It was so uncomfortable physically, but so comforting mentally.

Blaze coughed from crying too hard and burned Venice's shoulder. They saw what happened and apologized.

"Ow, that hurt..." Venice moaned. He pushed the cat away gently and put a hand on his smoldering shoulder. His shirt was burned and his fur was smoking a bit.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Blaze got a Burn Heal from her bag and sprayed it on Venice's shoulder.

Despite his constant itchiness and trouble breathing, Venice found comfort in having Blaze sit next to him. He cried into their shoulder, but immediately regretted it when his eyes itched and it got even harder to breathe.

"Wheeze! ...Shouldn't've done that..."

Blaze giggled and scooted away to let Venice's immune system calm down. "You're okay, right?"

Venice coughed for a few seconds and nodded. "Yep, just allergies. Also, Silver coughed on me a week ago, so I'm probably getting sick."

A few hours later, Venice got a text from Joy. "You're allowed to see Silver. I'll pick you two up. Venice, wear your mask and take some allergy medicine so your allergies don't get too strong. Blaze, stay farther away from Venice."

Joy brought the teens to the room and they saw Silver. He was crying and his quills were extremely tensed. There was a trash can next to him and a bitter, acidic smell that made Blaze nauseous.

"Augh, it smells awful..." She muttered.

"Sorry, I threw..." Silver coughed so hard he gagged, then put a hand over his mouth. Joy grabbed the trash can for him and he heaved into it. The acid burned his throat and made him cough even more. Tears fell from Silver's eyes. His mouth tasted awful and he was in so much pain.

"Eww!!!" Blaze exclaimed. She gagged in disgust and stuck her tongue out. When she saw how upset Silver was, she apologized. "Sorry, bud. I'm pretty emetophobic so when people throw up I get upset."

Venice chuckled. "Silver's emetophobic, too."

"Hack! Choke! ...Not... funny..." Silver wheezed.

"I was laughing from sadness. I'm sorry."

Blaze blushed. They had so much in common with Silver. They walked over to him, despite the fact that he had just thrown up, and frowned.

"I hate seeing you so sick. You're my best friend. It... it hurts seeing you in so much pain."

Silver coughed and reached for Blaze. They didn't know if they would survive. Blaze was a comfort in their agony, and she had gone out of her comfort zone to make sure they were okay.

Blaze reached to put a hand on Silver's forehead, but the doctor stopped her.

"Please don't touch the patient."

"It's... fine..." Silver choked out. They hacked up more lung slime and wiped their mouth with their bloody shirt sleeve. "She's... friend..."

The doctor let Blaze put her hand on Silver's forehead, and they smiled. Blaze purred and ran her fingers through Silver's quills. He reached for her other hand.

"It... hurts..." Silver coughed relentlessly and accidentally sprayed his lung juice and some residual stomach acid onto Blaze and stabbed her with his quills.

Blaze gagged from how disgusted they were. There was lung slime and stomach acid on their shirt. They felt sick. It was nowhere near as bad as Silver, but it was still unbearable.

Silver's gag reflex got triggered from coughing too hard, so he leaned over the trash can and his stomach got painfully emptied again. He gasped desparately for air and choked on some of his vomit.

Blaze was so grossed out, but she knew what she had to do. She firmly lodged her fists into his chest until he got the obstruction dislodged. Her hands got sprayed and she almost threw up, but she managed to keep her breakfast down.

Silver coughed, gasped, and wheezed for a few minutes. He saw that Blaze got sprayed with the contents of his stomach and apologized profusely.

"I'msosorryfor–" They coughed for a few seconds and whimpered in pain.

"Shhh... I know. It was an–" Blaze coughed in disgust for a second and gagged, but kept speaking. "accident, right?"

The hedgehog nodded, but even a little nod was too much for their sandpapered throat, and they let out several horrible-sounding coughs.

Blaze gagged again and ran to the bathroom without saying anything. She wanted to wash her hands, but her nausea hit her like a truck and she rushed to a toilet. She washed her hands after, but they still felt so disgusting.

There was so much gross ash in Blaze's mouth and throat that they inhaled with every panicked hyperventilation, that by the time they got back to the room Silver was in, they had burnt out their fire from coughing too hard, and it got replaced by smoke.

"Doctor? I made a toilet explode." She wheezed.

The doctor was confused until Blaze coughed up more ashes. "You're a Pyrokinetic, eh? Lemme guess. You vomited and the lava made the toilet explode."

"Cough! Cough! ...Yeah. I'm so sorry." Tears evaporated from Blaze's panicked and pained eyes.

"It happens. But we're going to need to separate you from Silver for a while." The doctor told them.

"Why?" Blaze asked. She coughed up more ash and smoke. "Oh."

Blaze got escorted to the lobby, then sat in a chair. They were so lonely. Silver was seriously ill and they wanted to be with him, but their stupid pyrokinesis made them dangerous.

Venice felt horrible. He wasn't emetophobic like the other two, but his friends were distressed. Silver was in horrible pain and Blaze was lonely and choking on soot and ash.

"Silver, I'm going to check on Blaze, is that okay?" Venice asked.

"You really shouldn't." Joy told him.

"She's emotionally distressed and Silver can't be there for her!" Venice argued. He turned back to Silver with a sad frown. "If you want me to stay here, I'll stay."

"You can go... just–" Silver coughed for a second. "Call me, please."

Venice hugged his sibling, then went to the lobby to talk to Blaze. He saw that they were crying and felt bad, so he tapped their shoulder and smiled, despite the itchiness that appeared on his fingers.

"Silver said I should check on you. How are you feeling?" He asked. His phone rang and he answered it. "Hey, Silv."

"How's Blaze?" Silver coughed up a bunch of lung slime and the other teens covered their ears. "Bleh, sorry I sound so gross. Hack! Hack!"

"I'm lonely..." The cat whined quietly.

"She's lonely." Venice relayed.

"Venice... I'm... I'm scared." Blaze wheezed out painfully.

"Want a hug?" The mink asked.

"But... your allergies. My smoke..."

Venice sniffled, then smiled, though it wasn't visible under his mask. "I'll be fine."

"Trust me– Cough! Wheeze! ...Ven. It's not worth– Hack! ...not being able– Gasp! ...to breathe." Silver told his brother.

"Didn't you hug Blaze two days ago even though she was still coughing up smoke?" Venice argued.

"Erm... yes..."

Blaze knew there was something so familiar about Venice's behavior. They really were related to each other. She blushed and accepted the hug.

"I... I... I'm scared, too." Venice admitted. His heartbeat sped up from fear and it got extremely hard to breathe. He wasn't sure if it was his illness, his fear, Blaze's smoke, or his allergies. He let out several choked coughs and wheezed in pain.

"Can't... breathe..."

"Sorry about that." Blaze was about to say more when their smoke and soot inhalation and sore throat triggered a really bad coughing fit. They took some time to catch their breath, then chuckled. "Looks like I joined the 'breathing hurts' club." They coughed again, then smiled.

Venice snickered, and even Silver let out a little chuckle.

"It's not that funny..." Joy sighed over the phone. "It's actually pretty concerning, to be honest."

"My bro's really sick. I have to laugh and smile or I'll be crushed with sadness." Venice told his mom. He sniffled and whimpered, and tears filled his eyes. "I'm... Cough! Cough! ...scared. I don't want him to die..."

Joy frowned. "I know, sweetie. Me neither. I love both of you so dearly."

Blaze's phone dinged and she saw that it was a group chat with Silver and Venice. The first text was from Silver. "i know this sounds mean but your 'breathing hurts club' joke was weirdly comforting, like, im not alone in this"

Blaze smiled. "That was my goal, amigo. I wanted to lighten your mood. I hate seeing you so distressed and in pain."

Silver blushed and his heartrate sped up. He wasn't just sick. He felt lovesick. It felt like everything was better for a brief second.

Their worries came back when they coughed so hard they puked again. It was a nightmare. They wanted it to end. Their choked sobs filled the room.

Blaze threw up in her mouth a bit from how absolutely disgusted she was, but she was able to keep the rest of the molten lava in her stomach down. That ashy taste in her mouth was still awful, she still choked on the soot and ash the lava left behind, and it was still extremely upsetting.

Venice sighed. He felt so bad for not being in as much pain as the others. It was so weird. He was glad he wasn't in pain, but he also felt guilty because he was mostly fine, minus the cold and allergies.

Silver reached for his Pokéballs and whimpered. He was so scared. He sent out everyone except Pecky, Pepper, and Miraidon.

Catnip gasped in horror when he saw the state his Trainer was in. Silver was such a caring person. He didn't deserve to suffer.

Charlie looked at Silver and got sad. He held their hand and made sure they were as comfortable as they could be. Justice gave Silver a Sitrus berry and started to cry. Sunlight sat next to them on the hospital bed, which was leaned upwards so Silver was sitting, and purred.

The hedgehog coughed several times and started to cry again. It hurt so much.

"We're here for you, Silver. We love you." Blaze told her best friend.

"Thanks..." Silver barely whispered as he attempted and failed to hold back a cough.

The next few days were stressful for Blaze. She didn't want to leave Silver's side, but she was getting bored. He had to go on a ventilator, since it had gotten so bad.

Cassiopeia called Silver, who was happy to hear their filtered Batman-like voice. Blaze answered, since Silver was unable to.

"Hi, just checking to see if– Are you in the hospital?" They asked.

Blaze coughed up several embers, much to Cassiopeia's concern.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah– Cough! ...My throat's scratchy, but I'm okay. I called because Silver has pneumonia." Blaze said.

"Oh no! Penny'll come by to see him. I can't really show my face in public."

Blaze was a but suspicious, but didn't question it. They and Silver just waited for Penny. In the meantime, Arven happened to call.

"Silver, little buddy, how've y–" He noticed the hospital bed and gasped. "What happened?"

"Pneumonia." Blaze said.

"Is he allowed to have visitors?" Arven asked.

"Yep! We're in the Mesagoza hospital."

Arven smiled and informed them that he was on his way. "I know how it feels to have your best friend be life-threateningly sick."

Blaze hung up and saw Silver's panicked expression, and tried to cheer him up.

"Hehe, 'pneumonia' sounds kind of like 'Nemona'. Don't tell her I said that." Blaze chuckled.

Silver lightened up, which made Blaze happy. It wasn't like hearing them laugh or seeing them smile, but it was still nice.

The cat decided to call Nemona, who immediately noticed that Silver was in the hospital.

"Silver, why are you in the hospital?!"

Blaze explained the situation, then Nemona, who was in Mesagoza, headed over quickly.

The three teens got to the hospital at the same time.

"Lemme guess. You're here to see Silver." Arven told the girls.

"Yep! Blaze just called me!" Nemona said with slight happiness.

"I hope Silver's okay..." Penny sighed.

They went to the room Silver was in and met Joy and Venice. Arven sat with Silver and held his hand. Silver blushed, and Arven laughed a little.

"You're kinda cute. Platonically." He blushed a bit.

Silver blushed harder from nervousness of having a little crush on Arven as he was holding his hand.

Arven wanted to call out Duke, but didn't want to subject him to pain. He sighed and held his Mabosstiff's Pokéball close to his chest.

"Once Silver gets better, we'll heal you up." He said determinedly.

Meanwhile, Penny said hi to Venice, but his cat allergies made him sneeze. He apologized, then sneezed again and started wheezing and itching.

"Are you okay?" Penny asked.

"This is getting out of hand..." He muttered between sniffles and coughs. "Now there are two of them."

"What?" Nemona asked.

"Allergic to cats, also have a cold..."

Penny moved away from Venice and sat next to Blaze. "Sorry. I'll... stay over here."

Nemona held Silver's other hand and talked to Joy. "Will he be okay?"

Joy sighed. "We're not sure..."

Blaze thought about the past few weeks. "Silver's poor lungs haven't had a break. Just stress after stress... I hope he'll be okay..."

"That explains the pneumonia..." Arven sighed.

Blaze frowned. "I don't know how I got off so lucky. I went through many of the same stresses. I got badly poisoned by inhalation of toxic particles. I spent most of last week inhaling smoke, since I was ill and coughing up smoke. I... I..." The Pyrokinetic burst into tears. They were so scared.

Arven put an arm around the cat's shoulder. "Hey. I can relate. When Duke got injured I was the same way. 'It should've been me. He doesn't deserve this, I do.' You... you just gotta stay strong."

"A-Arven..." Blaze blushed bright red. Arven reminded her so much of Silver. Was this a crush? Or did he just remind her so much of Silver that she thought she had a crush on him?

"We're here for you. Need a hug?" The boy asked.

Blaze sniffled and wiped the tears from her face, then nodded. "Thank you."

Arven smiled and hugged Blaze, then the other teens, excluding Silver and Venice, joined and formed a group hug. Even Penny joined.

Meanwhile, Venice and Joy sat with Silver. There was so much he wanted to say but couldn't due to the tube in his throat. He suddenly got an idea and sent out Sunlight.

"Are you trying to kill me?" Venice groaned. He looked at Sunlight and frowned. He loved cats, but his allergies were so annoying.

"Venny, you shouldn't be so close to Silver's Espeon." Joy warned.

Penny's ears flicked as she overheard Joy. Silver had an Espeon? She walked over to look at Sunlight and smiled.

"Awww, she's so cute!" She was about to say more when Venice sneezed. "Bless you."

"Thanks..." The mink sniffled and got a tissue to blow his nose.

Silver focused really hard despite the pain, then Sunlight's eyes glowed and Silver's thought got transferred throughout the room. *Oh, Ven, don't you have a Glaceon?*

Penny gasped. "Venice has a Glaceon... We've got all eight Eeveelutions between us."

Venice sighed and sent out Icicle, his Glaceon, who purred and rubbed against Penny.

"He likes me." She smiled. She sent out her Pokémon one by one and the room filled with Eeveelutions.

"Penny..." Venice wheezed. His eyes were so itchy and there was so much cat fur everywhere. "I'm dying..."

"Miss Penny, would you mind recalling your Pokémon?" Joy asked politely.

Penny apologized and recalled her Pokémon. "Sorry, forgot about Venice's allergies."

"No problem." Venice said. He nearly hacked up a lung, and Penny backed up further.

"I'll... leave now." She muttered nervously.

Joy gave Venice an antihistamine, then asked Silver how he was feeling.

Silver looked happy. Sure, it hurt, but their friends were so caring and kept each other positive. Silver's friends were their greatest treasure.

*I'm in a lot of pain, but my friends and family are here to help, so I'm happy.*

"I'm sorry you're in pain. It'll go away in time." Joy told him.

Silver reached to hold his mom's hand. He was still in pain and scared.

"I love you, sweetie."

*I love you too, Mom.*

Over the next week, Silver gradually got better. One day, he spoke, and tears flooded Joy's eyes. Her baby was feeling better!

"Ugh, my ribs hurt..." He spoke in a horribly scratchy voice and let out a few dry, raspy coughs. "Fuck... that was awful..."

Joy sobbed and hugged her precious hedgie. "You... you're better!"

"Yeah." Silver coughed twice. "But it still hurts."

"I bet it hurts. Why don't we stay here until you feel good enough to speak?" She offered.

Silver tiredly nodded, so he spent another week in the hospital to let his bruised ribs heal. He barely spoke, since that would slow down the healing process.

"We were so worried." Blaze told her friend after he got better. "I... I love you. If you died, I'd... I don't know what I would've done..."

Silver burst into tears, smiled, hugged the Pyrokinetic tightly, and accidentally choked her with his hug. When he heard her struggle to breathe, he apologized and loosened his grip.

"It's... okay. Means... you've... regained... your strength." She panted, smiling.

"I'm glad to see your smiling face, Blaze. I love you too. You're my best friend. My greatest treasure." Silver grinned. He coughed for a second and Blaze got worried, but he quickly recovered. "My lungs still feel weird."

Silver, Blaze, Joy, and Venice walked out of the hospital and Silver was amazed by the city scenery. It had been two weeks since they went outside.

"Remember, Silver. No binding for a week." Joy said.

"I know, Mom."

Despite knowing that it was unhealthy, Joy knew Silver needed a treat to celebrate his successful treatment and to contrast the absolute hell he went through, so she took the teens to a really good ice creamery in Medali.

"Don't eat too much ice cream. You don't want to be sick." Joy warned.

"I know." Silver turned to the cashier and smiled. "I'll have a double scoop of earl gray and lavender, swirled please, with red, teal, and gold sprinkles!"

Blaze blushed when she was what Silver's ice cream looked like. It was silver and lilac, with tiny red gem-like sprinkles, swirly bright teal sprinkles, and golden heart sprinkles. It reminded her of Silver, but also of herself.

"And what about you, young lady?" The cashier asked as he gave Silver their ice cream.

"Same as him, please." Blaze smiled.

Venice got a vanilla-cherry swirl, and even Joy had a bit of coffee ice cream.

"You've always gotten vanilla-chocolate with rainbow sprinkles. What was different today?" Joy asked.

"I got this type because it looks like me and Blaze!" Silver said with melted ice cream dripping down his chin. "And it tastes really good, too!"

Joy smiled. "You two care about each other a lot. I was worried about you having a Pyrokinetic friend at first, but Blaze has definitely shown her trustworthiness."

"She's helped me with my trauma. I have really good memories involving fire now!" Silver grinned.

After the four of them ate their ice cream, Joy and Venice went back home, and Silver and Blaze went to a motel to spend the night.

#toxic electricity #the blazing silver light of paldea #blood tw #swearing tw #near death tw #hospital tw #gross tw #emeto tw

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cl0udpup · 1 year

Text

Big sigh

*Still figuring out moving over from Twitter to Tumblr, but for now, I'm just gonna flush out my threads here and see how that goes...*

Anxiety dreams

I had disturbing, surreal, End Of The World, running from cops, moving through portals, being broke and homeless, anxiety dreams all morning. Woke up with my neck stiff and swollen for the second day in a row, exhausted. I took a rapid last night, came out negative, but it's hard to trust testing now with new variants. I have allergy shots in an hour, and I really don’t wanna go, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I miss it. Last time I missed a week, I suffered with extreme hives and asthma symptoms.

...

I did it

I went to the shot. Still feeling like shit. Still testing negative for c19.

I’ve been staying up late the past few nights, so I’m sure that doesn’t help. Winter is really tough on my body (and mind.) The dry air makes my skin swell up, and I get all tense and hot. I couldn't manage to wear a coat outside, even though it's 30 degrees out, because it makes it so much worse once I go inside. They keep the hospital sooo warm.

I need to get a humidifier running in my office, but this room is like 80 sq ft, so I'm concerned about where it will go, it getting knocked over, or the water getting on my computer. I have cords allll over the floor bc I have no idea how to do cord management. But yeah, my sinuses are so incredibly dry and swollen, which is causing this headache I'm sure, and probably the stiff neck.

Adderall

Enough complaining... In more interesting news, today is my first day on Adderall, 10 mg XR. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel anything. I was feeling shitty *before* taking it, so all those symptoms above are unrelated. Although, if this causes any similar symptoms, not sure if I'll be able to tell it apart.

I guess one thing I noticed this morning; it was less excruciating waiting the 30 minutes required to stay at the hospital after my allergy shot. Usually I set a timer, check it exasperatingly every few minutes, pacing and sighing, literally feel like I'm being tortured waiting lol. It usually feels like an hour even tho it’s only half. I have no idea if the med could be helping with that restlessness so soon, but. Worth noting I suppose.

Trauma effects everything

I met with the new psychiatrist who prescribed it on Monday. She asked all the typical intake type questions, and went over my initial survey from the ADHD assessment. Again, the ADHD assessment really was not specific to ADHD, other than the awful computer button clicking bullshit test thing they made me do.

We only talked for around 45 minutes, but she gave me her opinion that she thinks I don't have bipolar. She thinks my hypomanic symptoms and mood swings/cycling were caused by trauma. Who’s to say, really. Trauma effects everything.

I have found I don’t always fit the mold for clinical diagnoses for conditions my symptoms point to. I especially don't fit them forever. Resilience has to be taken into account; learning skills, figuring out accommodations, medication, change of life circumstance.

However, I have, and do (based on past episodes) meet the criteria for bipolar 2, whether the assessment is nuanced enough to give a "correct" answer. Of course, diagnoses are more or less a matter of opinion.

I was also diagnosed with "unspecific mood disorder" & put on mood stabilizers (bipolar meds) as a young teen.

Some of my earliest memories are of being totally overwhelmed emotionally. I remember having what I now know of as anxiety in elementary school. I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age 12.

So what is it?

That's the question I've been searching for the answer for my entire life. Wtf is wrong with me, lol. I know trauma, neurodivergence, and the way those two play off each other must be at the root of everything.

Ultimately, all these sprinkles of symptoms make up an actual person, my actual life experiences, my struggles, my disabilities. I don't think it's simple enough to just slap a diagnosis on me and call it a day.

I know SSNI medication has helped me immensely in taking all the chaotic energy inside myself, and dampening down my viciously strong emotions. Before meds, I felt totally out of control. I felt I had no control over the insanity. My mood swings and sensory overwhelm thrashed me around like I was on a broken rollercoaster, ready to fly off the tracks at any moment.

BPD

Before starting trauma work, I fit the diagnosis for borderline. Leaving an abusive relationship, learning about attachment disorders, and understanding more about being neurodivergent helped me grow into a person who could have healthy relationships, and stop hurting myself.

Graduating from a DBT program when I was 18 helped as well, but looking back, the most helpful part was being part of a community. Sharing 8 hours a week with other traumatized teens, forming bonds, being vulnerable and supporting each other. That's what helped.

We never even talked about trauma as a force of destruction. We mostly learned how to channel our thoughts and behaviors into something less visibly disruptive and damaging.

We weren't validated and told "something awful happened to you, and it wasn't your fault, and it's not your fault that it made you hate yourself so much you want to destroy yourself and everything around you." I think we really needed that. I know I still need to hear that.

Chaos

I'm 30 now, and I still am no where near having all the answers. Finding the ADHD piece of the puzzle definitely puts a lot into perspective, but I don't know if it can account for everything. I do have hopes for medicating it.

My 20's were so chaotic. I had no idea if I would survive to where I am now. That being said, I made a lot of decisions that helped me survive when I needed to, things I said I'd deal with the consequences of later, and, later has finally caught up to me.

I used spending as a coping mechanism. I channeled a lot of my chaotic energy into work over the past decade. Before my body started shutting down on me, I worked alll the time, and made decent money. I bought into the whole credit score thing, got a bunch of credit cards, and maxed them all out. Yes, having a credit history helped me get things I needed, but mental illness put me in this mindset of "I'm probably gonna die soon, so I should just get what will make me happy right now."

Knowing now that I have ADHD, so much of this makes sense. I struggle with things like feeding myself, cleaning, staying on track, completing tasks, all the executive function bullshit. So, I've driven myself into debt buying things I thought could help me "get my life together."

Can't get myself to eat enough to not trigger a mood episode? I'll just order take out or go to the cafe every day. Can't keep the house from being a total mess? I'll buy every cleaning and organizing tool imaginable that might help inspire me to bring necessary order to my surroundings. Same thing for exercising, self care, literally just existing, I always thought if I could "just" find the right solution, all my problems would disappear and I could catch up to my peers who perpetually left me in the dust.

Don't even get me started on the spending sprees I've gone on in response to depression and suicidality. Feel like dying because understimulated? Let's book a trip for me and a companion where I'll pay for everything because I want to be loved. Feel like dying because overstimulation? Let's buy things to self soothe. It's a mess.

And so, life goes on

Now, this year, when I have my head on straight, and am no longer crushed and suffocated by abuse, or distracted by partying, my health took a nose dive. I have hardly been able to work at all this year. I've always been concerned with my ill health, but now more than ever I've been forced to focus on it solely. I'm committed. The only place I go these days is to appointments; three a week: therapy, allergy injections, and acupuncture.

I so desperately want to get my life together, once and for all. I truly hope I'm on the right track. All I can do is trust this is what I'm supposed to do.

#actually disabled #disability #depression #anxiety #adhd #actually adhd #neurodivergent #actually neurodivergent #bipolar #bpd #mentally ill #mental illness #follow me im new here #thanks for reading

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violentivy · 2 years

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Late morning at a local beloved coffee house.

I come here biweekly at least to just kind of collect my thoughts into something that makes sense.

I've got basically 2 modes when it comes to change:

Don't you dare come near me! ANNNDD

Give it to me, ALL of it, Change everything!

I think it has something to do with whether or not I am controlling the changes that are occurring. If I at least have the illusion of control, that I am choosing this, that this new, scary, changey thing I'm doing is something I am doing to me, I'm usually ok.

If it is being thrust upon me, I have two choices: resist, or REALLY just lean in.

Partner person has a new job. He's had it for at least 6 weeks now, and they're at work when I'm not quite often. At first, I dreaded this. Once I realized that was my codependency rearing it's ugly head, I was cool.

This morning, it was a struggle. I woke later than normal. But, once I cleared out the cobwebs, took the allergy medicine I usually take at night but I forgot last night because *executive function is a pretty myth!*

Anything that appears to be executive function is just a ✨✨sparkling trauma response✨✨and trained coping mechanisms. At least for me.

And I'm lucky, at least that's a pretty lie I tell myself often. My parents knew the work arounds. They dealt with their very weird brains in a very normal world. My parents were not awful, but they weren't as good as they could have been of course. None of us were. None of us are .

This week, I've been letting go of the idea of perfection.

I feel like I try SO hard, I feel like I have to work so much harder just to fucking FUNCTION. I never could identify why I always felt like I'd come into various conversations in the middle, where I missed some important context.

Meanwhile I've had this diagnosis literally my whole life. It's so frustrating to hear people say "oh, yeah I do that too I must be Dyspraxic."

Like, maybe? At the same time it's refreshing to see others who have had the exact same life experiences I have and finally having a goddamn explanation. Like, how many Dyspraxic people got a UTI so bad that they nearly lost a kidney?

It's gratifying in some way to have a reason for low key sucking at everything.

But, when I tell you the realization that I hadn't outgrown it took my damn breath, especially after years of being told there's "nothing wrong with you, stop being dramatic."

Hey everyone!

I wasn't being dramatic, I literally am THAT bad at "insert task here"

It takes me longer to do shit. But I do it passably.

Sometimes even well.

I am Dyspraxic, but I was in 2 fucking ART shows. Take that! I suck but I'm STILL better than you. 🤣

Maybe I should enter something in the Burners without Borders show again this year.

I suppose I'd have to pull out my paints again...

All of my kids are very artistic, too. But, unlike their old lady, they're good at it. They'll never know how badly I struggled as a kid, as a teen, as a young adult. They'll never see me have to rub my hands because they are sore from drawing, or writing, or painting.

They never knew anything was wrong, they just knew Mom could paint an awesome slime if she took her time. What they didn't see was every failed attempt I had from kindergarten through high school in art class, in writing...

I wasn't supposed to graduate college and I fucking did that shit, too.

Because I'm stubborn. I never gave up.

Everything comes out in the wash.

In the meantime, the work can set me free.

#writing #actually dyspraxic #dyspraxia

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bryan-damage · 1 month

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When I was 27 I nearly killed myself.

I had pet rats. I did not know at the time that allergies can develop later in life due to exposure, and I really loved my pet rats. Little did I realize that I was developing an allergy to them. The fourth of July was on a Thursday that year so I was home and exposed to my rats all day, and I was starting to struggle to breathe.

I was slowly going into anaphylactic shock.

I went to bed that night, struggling to breathe. I slept, somehow, while struggling to breathe. I got up Friday morning and went to work, spending the entire day struggling to breathe. Some of my coworkers expressed concern but not to the extent that anyone told me to see a doctor or anything.

I went home, my breathing getting worse. I was afraid to go to the hospital. I lived in a large city, the first time I'd ever lived in a large city, and the idea of going to the hospital in this strange city scared me.

More importantly, I wanted to die.

I wanted so badly to die.

I went to bed that night, struggling to breathe.

I slept. For an hour or two.

I woke up at two in the morning, still struggling to breathe. I realized I had to check into a hospital.

But I didn't want to. I laid down. I closed my eyes. I wondered if I would actually sleep.

I knew if I fell asleep, I would never wake up.

I didn't have to work again until the following Monday.

My job would have written me off, assumed I quit without saying anything because that sort of thing happened a lot there.

Probably my body would not have been discovered until the neighbors complained about the smell.

I wanted to die.

I laid there for an hour, waiting to die.

Then I called the hospital.

Then I called a taxi to take me to the hospital.

They got me on a nebulizer and restored my breathing.

I called my parents from the hospital on Saturday morning to let them know what was happening.

My mother almost immediately commented about how much it would cost.

I realized at that moment that I'd fucked up.

I should have died instead.

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babybearsnz · 11 months

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Hi! I have a request for allergic Tae:) BTS maknae line are doing a live and Taehyung is suffering from allergies. He does everything he can to hold back the sneezing because he knows he’s so loud, and Jungkook and Jimin try to take the attention off him while also discreetly passing him tissues. When the live ends Taehyung can finally let himself sneeze and Jungkook and Jimin take care of him.

The livestream

Sickie: Tae

Caretakers: Maknae line

Relationships: Platonic

Jimin’s pov:

I woke up to the sound of a sneeze. It was loud and breathy and it sounded painful. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, then faced the direction of the sound. Tae was still in bed, though he was clearly not asleep.

“Sorry, hyung,” he managed, “did I wake you?”

I nodded, “it’s alright TaeTae. Are you feeling okay?”

He groaned in response. “The power went out while my sheets were in the wash and—,” he paused to sniffle, “and I guess we don’t have any other hypoallergenic pillowcases.” He pouted.

Taehyung had terrible dust allergies and I imagined he didn’t get enough sleep because of the laundry situation.

“hhRESHHhuh! HASHHhuh!” I cringed at the roughness I heard as I made my way over to Tae’s side.

“Let me see your eyes, Tae-bear.” I took a look at the redness, “now close,” I then felt the puffiness around his eyes to get a sense of how his body was reacting to the dust.

He batted my hand away and brought a fist to his nose. “HAESHHeew!”

“Bless you,” Jungkook said while entering the bedroom, “here are the meds you asked for, Tae.”

Taehyung immediately swallowed a pill. “Thanks, Kookie.”

Jungkook nodded. “Are you going to be okay for the livestream later?” He asked.

The livestream. I had completely forgotten. The other maknaes and I had planned to go live later today.

Tae shrugged, “I should be fine once the meds kick in.”

If only it were that easy.

********time skip********

Taehyung’s pov:

“Annyeong, ARMY!” It appeared Jungkook was extremely excited to have started a Weverse live. I, however, was not. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to talk to ARMY, but because I was a sniffly mess.

It had been about an hour since I had woken up and my body was still reacting to the dust I’d come in contact with. My eyes weren’t swollen anymore though so it was less obvious to ARMY that something was wrong. Unfortunately, the meds hadn’t helped my sneezing very much.

A few minutes into the live I had to quickly turn away. “HhahESHhuuh! I’m sorry.” I apologized for interrupting Jungkook who had been telling a story.

“Bless you,” he said. Jimin gave me a worried glance.

As the live continued, I started sniffling sporadically to try and keep the sneezes at bay. I felt bad for being loud and causing all conversation to come to a screeching halt.

By the time our livestream was coming to a close, it had become progressively harder to hold back the sneezes. Jungkook handed me some tissues in such a way that it wasn’t seen by the camera and I quietly blew my nose.

My breath started to hitch slightly and I could tell it was only going to get worse. Jimin seemed to realize I was struggling and put a hand on my back.

“Saranghae, ARMY!” The stream ended.

Jungkook immediately got me more tissues and Jimin began stroking my back up and down. My breath continued to hitch, teasing my nose to no end.

Jimin pouted. “Aish, poor TaeTae.”

I blew my nose again and finally let loose. “hhhHAERSHhh! haITCHuuh!”

“Bless you.” Jimin continued to try and comfort me.

“Aw, bless you, Hyung.” Jungkook cooed.

It wasn’t long before another sneeze made an appearance. “ETCHiiee!” It was weaker than usual as I had quickly gotten tired.

“Ah, kiyowo,” Jimin laughed and Jungkook blessed me again.

I thanked him. “I think I’m okay for now,” I said.

Jimin took my face in his hands, “feel better?” He said in a high-pitched voice.

I nodded and grinned.

#idol sneeze #ksnz #sneezeblr #kpop snz #snzblr #sneezefic #bts v #taehyung #bts snz

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pbandjesse · 5 months

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Well today was a bust. Just did not work out. I am trying to not be sad about it but I got my feelings hurt. And I was so tired.

I didn't get enough sleep. I did sleep alright but when I woke up I felt horrible. My eyes were swollen and hurt so much. I took allergy meds and put eye drops in but it was very painful. And I wasn't in a good mood.

James tried to make me feel better. But I was just so sad. I was trying to be positive but it was very hard.

James took me to get hash browns before we went to the elementary school. The hash browns helped. I felt a little more awake. But things were fragile. I felt fragile.

James pulled the wagon and we headed inside. I had a nice space where I could see the door and see people coming in. Which I liked. I got set up and was mostly alright. My sign got scuffed and when James tried to fix it it got worse. Then we tried to cover it with a sticker but it tore when it got placed wrong and I tried covering it up and it was just going very bad. But once I calmed down and delt with that I was alright. James set up some bags with business cards for me. And then walked outside with me to show me where they had parked the car. Before they left to go to work. Hugs and telling them to be careful on their long arduous journey (down the street) and I headed inside.

Everything was alright at first. I had like 40

minutes until people should start coming though so I looked around, and I would do some sewing and made 4 new felt pins throughout the morning.

I found a pair of earrings that I absolutely loved. They were a shop that takes orders though so I got the website and added the to my wishlist.

I was slightly disappointed that there was at least one person drop shipping and there were two mlms. But it was fine. Two crochet sellers. Two books. Some general goods like totesbags and tea towels. A crystal seller. A photographer. Someone selling plants. A baked sale. Girls scout cookies. Candles

It was a good mix.

But I did not have fun. Firstly almost no one talked to me. Including the venders on either side of me. I felt like I was losing my voice again and was having trouble being heard by the few people that were stopping to look at my table. And it was few. I felt like people were aggressively avoiding my table. They would be focused on the table next to me, then make a big U swerve, then go to the next table. At first I was like. Okay that's fine. But then it kept happening. More and more. No one was looking at my table. They were aggressively not looking at me. Im not going to lie I got my feelings hurt.

I get it. You think your kids have to many stuffed animals. But also it's a holiday market. The idea is to buy gifts? I don't just have plushies. I have bags and stickers too. Please just come look. I was becoming more and more disheartened and upset. Literally the highlight of the day was when someone came in with two goats and just walked around.

I tried to just focus on my sewing. Smile at people and try to not show how sad I was. I kept working on my little bead pins.

I would get a brownie and a piece of strawberry cake from the baked sale. I would sell two stickers to some little girls. I was disappointed but I appreciated the sales I did make.

Around noon I finally sold a bear. A girl a little younger then me bought one because she said it made her nostalgic. Thank you! That's exactly it! She liked the birth certificate and made me feel less bad.

But this was a bust. This was a bad day. I didn't even break even with the table cost. I got my feelings hurt. I messed up my sign. I was very close to tears on my drive home.

I also struggled to pack up. Having the two extra crates was great for display but the one for the horses does not fit with the other. I would make it work, and thankfully everything fits in the wagon and I was able to leave in one trip.

I was very upset once I got to the car. I just wanted to go home.

It was foggy and rainy but it would clear up as I got back here. Mr Will and Tina were here putting up Christmas decorations. I love that she does that. She gets fresh pine things. I love it. She was also so nice and said how she was really happy to see me and that my hair looked great.

Will said I seemed very tired. And I was. my eyes were as puffy but I just needed to lay down. After a hug I said goodbye to them both and went upstairs.

I changed into a fleece and put some stuff away. Got cozy in bed and went to sleep with sweetp laying on my side keeping me warm.

It was a good sleep. I woke up a little after 4 because I was cold.

I texted James to check in because the original plan was to go see houses at 5. But it ended up not working out with the listing agent. So we will do that tomorrow. I was only about because I had gotten dressed again.

I ate some cereal while I waited for James to tell me what the plan was. And once I had confirmation we weren't going out I got cozy on the couch. And waited for them to get home.

When they got back here they were all damp from the fog. We hung out on the couch. It made me feel a bit better. They made us a nice little dinner. They would also go walk to get some milk for us.

Eventually I would go take a bath and it was nice. I am tired and still feel a little sad. But I will be okay. I hope next week goes better.

Tomorrow I have a busy day. With my private lesson with Naomi and Kim. Then seeing houses if that works out. And then having dinner with Callie. Busy day but I think it will be good.

Sleep well everyone. Be careful and be kind.

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phawareglobal · 11 months

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Uli Campbell - phaware® interview 415

In this episode, newly diagnosed pulmonary arterial hypertension patient, Uli Cambell, discuss her rollercoaster of emotions and how educating herself about PH has given her hope in navigating and advocating for her rare disease.

My name is Uli Campbell. I currently reside in Maricopa, Arizona. I am originally from Thailand. I moved to the United States when I was about five years old, and I am living with pulmonary arterial hypertension. So it was about October of 2021 and I was helping a friend move from Arizona to Tennessee that I first noticed my symptoms. I was having shortness of breath. I didn't realize that that was what was going on. I realized that I couldn't do anything physically that I was able to do previously, like a month ago. It came on really quickly, so I would just rest. I might have to rest, even take a little nap anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. Sometimes I would just really have to just go to sleep and then reset and try again the following day. I'd feel a tightness in my chest area, and so I would just remove my bra and it would subside a little bit. As it's hot in Arizona, I would just take a cool shower and that would seem to alleviate some of my symptoms, but I was struggling for breath and not even knowing it. Just around October of 2021, I was driving and I fell asleep at the wheel. Woke up and I was in the other lane. I was able to come to. I swerved back. I was concerned. I got home, but I just thought I was just extremely tired as well as having very bad seasonal asthma allergies, which I've suffered from for many years. Then about December of 2021, I was dragged by my dog when he was chasing another dog. I fell while he was on a leash, cut my right leg. I was treating that just antibiotic and first aid care at home, and it kept swelling. That wasn't healing. Then my right leg was starting to get swollen and there was another little cut that I had that was swollen up and it was leaking fluid. I called for telehealth and the lady said, "No, honey, I can't treat you. You have to go to the urgent care." When they did my vitals and stuff, the doctor came in and said, "Just please put on your shoes and you need to go to the emergency immediately." When I was in the emergency room, they tested me for COVID. They just took my vitals. My blood pressure was about 195/177 when I got in there. They ran some tests and they told me that I had pulmonary hypertension. I had no clue what was going on. I stayed there where they just stabilized me. I started getting a little bit better. My blood pressure was going down, but I was on oxygen and doing breathing treatments. Then they said they're going to have to move me to the larger hospital in Mesa, Arizona, basically where they could do the right heart catheterization on me. That's where they confirmed that I had pulmonary arterial hypertension. After receiving my diagnosis I had pulmonary arterial hypertension, it just came together for me; my shortness of breath, my lack of energy, falling asleep at the wheel. After I was diagnosed, I still didn't have any idea what was going on with my body. It was explained that it's not curable and all that stuff did not mean anything to me as far as what the condition is, survival rate, how it's treated, et cetera, and so forth. I didn't understand anything until I just started researching on my own. I took that as I wasn't going to live very long. Part of how I learned about pulmonary arterial hypertension is through my cousin who's a nurse. She said, "You can survive this, but I'm sorry you have this." Because she actually works in the cardiology department, she was able to see me a little bit through this, and then I did a little research on the side when I was in the hospital. I'm still very confused at that time about it and about pathways of how this happens. I was concerned about drug toxins due to that. So one of the drugs that could have caused my pulmonary arterial hypertension, which hasn't been proven or anything like that, was that I used to take phentermine as a diet pill, and that is one of the substance that could lead to this. I've taken that about maybe 10, 12 years ago for a minute. They're now researching that this could have something to do with my PH because I don't have it through genetics or through other causes. But now research shows that that could be a link to pulmonary arterial hypertension. The last year has been a rollercoaster of emotions, a lot of depression and anxiety. So I checked into a wellness center because I just couldn't cope anymore. I have been getting better. Things have been looking up for me, and then I was diagnosed with this, so it just threw me back. It hit me really hard and I'm now in therapy. I'm going to say it's isolating for me because I have to do oxygen at night. My family, my two sons are about an hour to an hour and a half away from where I live. It's a three-hour round trip and I'm just not able to spur of the moment, "Yeah, I stay the night somewhere." I require my oxygen. I have rough days where I just isolate and I just completely shut down from the world just to protect myself. I'm very conscious of people coughing around me and being sick because I did catch COVID. I made it through that. A lot of things I'm just not able to do anymore, which has just caused a different drive in me. Now I feel like I want to be a voice for pulmonary arterial hypertension because I've learned a lot about it, but there's more to be learned by everybody in this community. This is my first year of fully having pulmonary hypertension, so it's new to me how cold and hot has affected me and what affects me more. I'm really actually a social butterfly, so this is off where I have always lived. I've always gone out shopping. I don't want to do any of that stuff anymore. I don't prefer crowds anymore because I don't want to catch anything. I'm so immune compromised right now. It is isolating. It's a very lonely disease. I feel better about my disorder as far as my chance of survival and how my life can be and live to the fullest with this disorder. So I'm trying to live my best life with that because I was really didn't think I would be here, that I would be alive when I was first diagnosed. It was just like, "Ah, you've got this. Sorry girl," blah, blah, blah. It's been challenging to just get my medications and stuff through insurance and all the requirements. But yes, I feel better about it. Educating myself about pulmonary hypertension has helped me in the fact that there is hope. I've spent a lot of time on the internet talking to other people that have pulmonary hypertension through social groups and forums. Or just really any articles about it. Getting all that knowledge and putting it to how it's going to help me. I feel much better about my prognosis than I did at the beginning. I mean, I didn't really think that I would be here. I'm my own advocate. I can't ask anyone else to do this for me. I have to advocate for myself. I've researched how I can deal with this and at the end of the day, every day I live like I'm doing everything I want to. I'm living like I'm dying each day and I just want to make sure that it's the most enjoyable day for myself, which could be selfish, but I don't believe it is. Got to take care of yourself. My name is Uli Campbell and I'm aware that I'm rare.

Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Follow us on social @phaware Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware Share your story: [email protected]

Listen and View more on the official phaware™ podcast site

#pulmonary hypertension #phaware #rare disease #lung disease #clinical trials #podcast #PH #asthma

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theboardwalkbody · 1 year

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Time to play:Is it Taltz causing my immune system to fail or is it Normal?

Two weeks ago I had sinusitis symptoms. Took antibiotics and it helped.

That same weekend I ended up in the hospital with what turned out to be a bladder infection (which I had 0 symptoms of prior to the extreme pain it ended up causing) and, according to the scan at the hospital I also have a cyst of "significant size" on my ovary which between that and the swollen bladder have been working together to cause chaos.

Plus I got a cold sore. My paternal grandmother got them all the time and passed them to my sister and I as babies and sometimes if I've been sick enough they come out. It's had me in a bad place mentally because of my own personal feelings about it.

Still battling some issues with that despite the antibiotics but now I'm not sure if it's infection or just the cyst.

Now last Friday I woke up with a sore throat and mild congestion. Over the weekend both things have been getting worse.

I couldn't sleep At All last night. I tried going to bed around midnight but my throat was so dry and my sinuses hurt I was too uncomfortable and just kept tossing and turning until about 230. At that point I remembered the window was open and thought maybe the dry air coming in was causing it so I shut it. It helped a little. I wanted to drink something but I've been hesitant since the bladder issues are worse at night and it makes me not want to drink anything.

I tried to do some day dreaming hoping it would lead to real dreaming and it did but only for about 40 minutes.

From 315 to 415 I once again struggled with the intense dry throat and pain.

Now from 415 to 6 I couldn't shut my brain up. Intense racing thoughts and anxiety related to work.

I missed work last Monday because of the bladder stuff. I was in so much pain and had added nausea from the antibiotics.

I was supposed to start a new case today, a new patient's first day with our company. I really wanted this case for a few different reasons and I think it would be a really good fit.

But I've been awake all night, I feel run down, I feel hot, my throat is hurting, my sinuses are burning, I feel so tired.

They said it's OK and to feel better when I called (finally made the decision at like 615 because I was supposed to be up and getting ready to leave for 730) but I feel so guilty. I feel like it reflects bad on me and the company and it's day one and I really wanted this case and I hope they don't take me off it for good because of this and idk.

I spent hours beating myself up over it before I called and now I'm still beating myself up over it. Despite knowing I'd be suffering during a full 8hr hands on shift with the night I had and how I feel in general because of whatever is going on.

So I'm kinda miserable all around.

I keep trying to convince myself it's just allergies. Because the pollen and the blooming trees, and the change of weather, etc. But I took allergy meds and they didn't do anything. I took the 24hr pseudoephedrine and still nothing. I think it's either the sinus infection has come back or maybe it's a new one, or possibly tonsillitis because on Saturday I did have some spots on my tonsils (I get tonsil stones though and because of my cold sore I didn't poke around at them to see if it was stones or not) and they are swollen (which for me is normal anymore but they look extra swollen and red now).

So idk.

Part of me wants to be like que cera, cera

But the bigger part of me (where the anxiety and mental health issues live) is going to beat myself up over today.

My Lola knows I'm not feeling great and I'm upset because, despite the fan being on which she doesn't enjoy, she jumped down from her loop/perch and is laying on the bed with me (she did use the opportunity to scratch the curtain, though). She's going to snuggle with me and then get zoomies. It is prime for zoomies.

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emeriethevalkyriegirl · 2 years

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The 8th Court (Dusk in the Wind)- Chapter 1

Summary: Ester had the nightmare again. Though she doesn’t know how to get rid of it.

12 years later

Ester shot out of her bed, breathing heavily. She placed both hands over her heart, clenching her fist to get the pain out of her chest. She had it again. The nightmare. Well, more like a memory. She’d been having that nightmare her whole life. Not once has she slept peacefully.

“Ester!” Ester flinched as her aunt burst through the door of her bedroom. It was her aunt Harper. She’d been living with her ever since the war of Hybern. Not once as she remembered a time where she wasn’t with her. But then again, she wished otherwise.

Her aunt had never fully recovered from the war. Her mind was shattered when she heard the truth about her brother Donald (Ester’s father). Even though Ester told me a million times that her aunt wasn’t to blame, it didn’t stop the hurt knowing that she had to work around the house without any help.

Her aunt came in crying. “Honey, the chicken is burning.” Ester raced out of her room and straight into the kitchen. Harper never cooked in the house. It was always Ester. Her aunt says she got the skills from her mother, but Ester assumed it was only to amuse her a bit. By the time she was in the kitchen, the chicken was far gone. Ester turned off the stove and the fire vanished into thin air. Ester struggled to cool down the chicken. “Why did you try to cook auntie? You know you can’t cook.”

“I’m sorry Ellie. I just wanted to be useful for a change.” Harper replied, looking down in sadness. Harper only calls her Ellie when she’s sincere. Ester’s face soften a bit as she walked over to her aunt. “It’s okay auntie. You just scared me a little that’s all.” she said as her aunt placed both of her hands on each side of Ester’s face. “Oh baby, you work so hard. Why don’t you rest some more.” Harper suggested but Ester declined. If she closed her eyes for a moment longer, she’ll never be able to get through the day. “I have to run errands remember?”

“But the sun is still rising.” Harper pointed out as Ester sighed and kissed her brow. “I’ll be fine. I’ll be back in a hour.” Ester said as she went back into her room to get dressed.

-------------

The sun had risen and Ester was out of the house by the time she placed her left shoe on her foot. She walked down the steps to her house and looked around the other houses in the suburbs. No one was out of their beds yet. Good. She hates crowds.

Ester walked slowly and soundlessly to her first errand. Baudelaire's flower shop. The Baudelaries have owned this shop long before the first High Lord had been born. The shop was still standing even during the war. When she was a child, Ester would sneak in just to smell the flowers. It reminded her of her father. He use to want to plant a garden full of flowers. It was Ester’s favorite place out of this whole town.

Ester walked in, the bell chiming from above announcing her arrival. “Hello. Mrs. Baudelaire?” she called out as she walked to the front desk. She leaned over to see a small dog sleeping on his dog bed. Ester rolled her eyes. “Trevor, wake up boy!” she called out as the dog yelped and woke up. He barked happily upon seeing Ester. She reached to pet him if it weren’t for the desk between them. “Good morning Trevor. Is your owner around.”

“She’s right here.” Ester turned to see a light skinned woman with blonde hair. Her hair was messy and her pajamas were torn up a bit. She must’ve just woken up. Mrs. Baudelaire shook her head. “Some times I wonder if you ever get as much sleep as we do.” she said referring to everyone in town. She smiled at Ester who smiled back. “Morning. I was hoping you got my order.”

“Right here, dear.” Mrs. Baudelaire replied, bending down a bit to pull out a long stemmed daisy. It was pure white with a yellow center. It’s leaves were short but still growing. Mrs. Baudelaire sniffed a bit. “Take it child. My allergies are killing me.” Ester quickly and gently took the floor from her as Mrs. Baudelaire sneezed. Ester couldn’t help but giggle. “Why don’t you own a different shop?” she asked as Mrs. Baudelaire finished cleaning out her nose. “You know I could never do that. The shop is my home.”

“Even if it causes trouble with your nose.”

“At least they’re not in my bedroom.” Mrs. Baudelaire smiled in triumph. Ester rolled her eyes and proceeded to grab her money from her pocket. Mrs. Baudelaire waved her off. “Now now dear. It’s on the house.” Ester gasped as Mrs. Baudelaire smirked. “Thank you Mrs. Baudelaire! It means a lot.” Ester cheered as she skipped out of the shop with the daisy in her hand.

-----------------

She would’ve be happier if she’d not remember why she got it in the first place. Ester looked down at the daisy and sighed. She made her way into the far woods, just behind Tamlin’s now vined up castle. It’d been like that before the war had even started. However, Ester never knew why. Nor did she care.

Ester stopped in front of a river. The water viciously ran with the fast current. Ester held back the tears that threatened to fall. This was her father’s favorite stop. He use to come here with her and they would get in the stream together and play in the water. When they got out, their feet would be all muddy and sticky, but she didn’t care. She was with her father. That’s all that mattered.

And now she was here alone. With his favorite flower. She didn’t leave the house to run some stupid errands. She left to grieve for him. She couldn’t grieve in her house. She needed to be strong for her aunt. She needed to be strong for her people. Because she cared about her people. She cared about her aunt, Mrs. Baudelaire, Trevor, everyone of them.

Ester placed the daisy in the water and watched it flow with the current. “Now you can play the river forever daddy. Wait for me, okay?” she whispered as the flower refused to slow down.

A galloping sound was heard from the left of Ester. She gasped trying to find a place to hide but it was too late. The horse rode up to her along with it’s rider. She had pale skin and her blonde hair was curvy in a way that resembled a wave. She had green eyes like a leave. She was about Ester’s age. She looked at her with confusion but Ester saw a bit of fear. “Who are you?” she asked, the white mare tapping it’s hooves. Ester was too stunned to form words. “I...uh...”

“Tambria!” The girl flinched and grabbed Ester’s hand, hoisting her up onto the horse. “Woah, what’re you-” Ester didn’t have time to shout, because the mare was already running down the woods.

#Ester OC #Tamlin #Tambria: High Lady of the Spring Court acotar OC #Harper OC #acotar

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