#This feels very random but I've been thinking about the three panic attacks I've had in the last month

[thestobingirlie]

I love reading fics where Steve is disabled, be it hard of hearing, seizures, chronic migraines, like he's had too many concussions not to have any issues from it. (I think its because I have a neurological disability and Steve is my comfort character, so projecting.)

But something that really gives me the ick is I've noticed a lot more ST fic recently have been handling disabled characters in a really ableist way (100% not all, just noticed more) and quite often they're just infantilising the disabled characters. I've noticed this the most when Steve is disabled, because I mostly read Steve-centric fics, but I have also noticed it with Robin and Eddie.

I've been seeing a lot of other characters addressing Steve and Robin as if they were toddlers when they are written as disabled, in ways that no adult should speak to anyone who is over the age of 5. Especially when Steve is written in a post-seizure state, or Robin is having a panic attack. Like, they might not be fully aware, but they are not children.

Sometimes, its other characters treating Steve as if he is incapable of doing anything on his own if he is disabled. As if the only things he can do without constant supervision is lie in bed or sit on a couch and watch tv. I saw one fic where others scolded him for getting out of bed to go to the bathroom without asking for help, and it wasn't as if he was recently injured or fresh out of a seizure, he was in pretty good health aside from being at risk of seizures.

With Robin, I've seen her written as if she needs to be treated like a fragile 2 year old otherwise she is in a constant state of panic attack and is always totally useless, and I've seen people use this sort of attitude to write her out of the high stress situations. Or she will just always go off on unrelated tangents so she isn't useful because she interrupts the people who know what they're talking about. Or she's written as if her rambling is a liability and she can't be trusted because if she got caught she'd 100% tell the bad guys everything.

And with Eddie I've noticed some people who write him as autistic (I love autistic and ADHD Eddie) seem to have him just constantly biting people like he is a nonverbal three-year-old who has figured out that their easiest way to communicate is by using their teeth. And it always with the attitude "it doesn't matter if he hurts people by biting them because it is his method of self-regulating."

(And no, I do NOT accept the billy stans who claim that it is ableist to talk about the bad things he's done. like, no that man is not canonically disabled (I've seen billy stans say he is canonically bipolar or has bpd? Like no.), he is canonically racist and abusive. even if he was canonically disabled that isn't an excuse for his behavior. also, I know people that have bipolar or bpd, and they arent racist and abusive. in fact they are some of the most careful people about what they can control of their behavior because they are worried about becoming abusive to their loved ones).

sorry this is really disjointed and probably doesn't make much sense but I just needed to get it off my chest. and I just love your blog!

and i love you, random tumblr user! but yeah, always feel free to just drop thoughts into my inbox, i’ll try and sort through them lmao

i enjoy reading fics where steve’s injuries have repercussions too. though it definitely isn’t always written well.

i think because the duffers ignore his injuries so much, people kinda go into hyperdrive and over-acknowledge them, almost. i think it also comes from wanting steve to be as angsty as possible, which means people don’t treat his disability’s very… nicely? they usually just use his conditions to ruin his life and make him miserable, and infantilise him, like you said.

i honestly think people just know fuck all about seizures, and cannot be bothered to look it up, but still want steve to experience them so they can make him as sad and depressed as possible.

they see seizures as this, like, life-ending condition, and so use them to kinda destroy steve’s life.

i think a lot of people also use his disabilities to get steve cared for, because we all want people to take care of the poor boy. but again, they just over-do it, and make it seem like he’s a little baby that can’t do anything.

i honestly don’t think most of these people are doing this from a place of harm. i think they honestly want to depict steve experiencing these things and being comforted etc. they’re just kinda ignorant.

i am very lucky that i haven’t seen fics that treat robin like that, because i honestly think i’d explode lol.

and yeah, the biting thing was kinda funny at first, and then it got kinda weird… people just see a fandom joke and do what fandoms always do, which is drag it out, and make it so extreme it’s barely recognisable as the original idea.

(yeah, with no character should you excuse their actions with a mental illness. like, billy’s abuse explains why he is the way he is, but it doesn’t excuse it. even when you have a mental illness you can’t just use that as an excuse to treat people like crap, and they’re entitled to call you out for doing so.)

#steve harrington #robin buckley #eddie munson #stranger things #asks #anon

[boy-above]

tagged by @vespertin-y to share three random facts abt myself sooo

1.) i have a big phobia of lakes or just dirty water in general, and submechanophobia, i can't stand looking at like cars submerged in water. i don't seem to have the same fear of the ocean, for example i would never swim in a lake and i'd probs have a panic attack if i fell in one, but i went to the beach for the first time in my life a couple years ago and i got in the ocean just fine. i didn't go very far out bc i was afraid i'd get pulled in, im very small you see and i can't really swim, but i enjoyed it and my friend got seaweed for me to touch ajdjf. despite not being afraid of seawater i do Not like boats and wouldn't get on one on the sea or in a lake. i'd probs feel Better about being on a boat in the sea but the feeling of being in a boat in general feels Wrong to me, like my primal monkey brain is like "humans shouldn't be able to float above water like this".

2.) i have very repetitive stress dreams every night of my life, i don't think i've ever had a Good dream before and im not joking. usually the mundane stuff like being back in high school and not knowing where my classes are or my locker combination etc (which is wild bc that's never something i actually needed to worry about in high school, like i never once forgot things like that). also losing my phone or having it stolen seems to be a theme lately as well. HOWEVER when a dream isn't mundane, i manage to have REALLY weird dreams. the first nightmare i ever remember having was when i was like three years old and i dreamed a tree was chasing me. like a legit tree. i never saw it walk, it would just move when i wasn't looking and would be closer when i looked back. i ran home and still have the vivid memory of slamming my front door and looking behind me to the window where the tree was "looking" inside at me. it didn't have eyes or anything im just assuming it must have been looking at me lmao. anyway i was Terrified of this tree but hindsight that's literally so funny. a tree. also had a dream where my trash bag climbed into bed with me. and one where it was "emu hunting season" in my neighborhood and everyone was hunting emus. i probs don't have to clarify that there aren't emus anywhere near my midwestern city.

2.5.) interesting combination of the first two facts, which is why this is a bonus fact™️. i realized a recurring aspect of my dreams is something highly specific to me and not normal. i didn't realize this from conversations with people or anything i just suddenly was like "oh that's actually very weird and specific to my particular phobias". the aspect in question being that in multiple dreams over several years there's been partially submerged roller coasters in my dreams. like the roller coaster is like 1/4 submerged in a dirty lake and i either just see it and am like "eugh" or i'm actually forced to ride it and have to deal with the horror of both the anticipation of the dirty water part plus the actual contact with the dirty water. i'm not afraid of roller coasters or anything i guess my brain just found a way to tap into my submechanophobia. very weird brain thing that sounds very stupid and it is ajdjr

3.) on a lighter note, i have five genshin impact accounts, although i don't use two of them anymore. i have my main account, an anemo only account, and a new gimmick account that is a secret. my other accounts were just a replay account to experience exploration again, and one that i was gonna call carrot run where i only used xingqiu. i might still end up playing on that one again eventually given that i have xingxiu and sac sword on that account already in very early game with was lucky 4 me.

this was longer than i thought it would be i just decided i like talking about myself apparently LMAO

i don't rly have anyone to tag bc i'm afraid of bothering ppl so AJDHDHFH will leave off the post here

[wilcze-kudly]

Thank you @nova-leaf for this tag too 🥰

wow i get to talk about myself so much im nervous

•How many tumblr accounts have you had before this one?

This is gonna be my fith tumblr account lol. I lose track of them really easily because I'm a silly funky guy with so much wrong with me.

• How long have you been in fandom?

Oh like. Since I was 10? God I remember my firat forays into fandom culture on amino it was an experience good god. My first fandom was Tolkien. I've only recently gotten into the Avatar fandom though. Still not sure how that happened but I'm having fun 🥰

•Your favorite trope in fiction?

I adore found family, cause I'm basic lol. The power of friendship is also a cheesy beloved of mine.

•Your favorite random fact?

Tolkien had beef with the Beatles. Hayao Miyazaki hates the Beatles. Junji Ito loves the Beatles.

•Your favourite game or kind of game?

Skyrim is my favourite game. Open world RPGs are my escape. I love them so much I try not to play them too often or I'll never get up lol.

•A place you’d like to visit? (If carbon emissions, logistics and money weren’t in question)

Hm. This is a tough one. I like to travel and I want to go to many places. But if I had to pick one point off that list, it would pribably be mount Shasta. I'm just curious, I guess, with all the legends and disappearances and odd happenings around it. Like I just wanna see the place not even have anything supernatural happen. Just be there for a bit? Call it morbid curiosity. Also the area seems beautiful even of itself like even if the aliens don't get me i think it'd be a nice hike.

•An animal you’re irrationally afraid of?

Ants. I like most bugs. I like spiders. But ants? Ants give me straight up panic attacks? I don't know why. There's just something very terrifying aout them.

Also. Swans. But that's not an irrational fear. Geese and swans are in my opinion the true successors of dinosaurs. If you haven't been a girl scout cowering in a flimsy tent with your three other girl scout friends, in the middle of a thunderstorm, while a pair of feral swans is trying to peck their way into your tent you do not know true fear.

Their pecks hurt like a bitch too. Their beaks are serrated like a fucking saw.

•What’s your favourite season?

Autumn. In Poland we divide Autumn into two mini seasons. Golden Autumn, which is early autumn, when the freshly fallen leaves are all crispy and beautiful. And then we have Rainy Autumn, which is when it has rained and gotten much colder. I love both.

•A smell that brings you nice memories?

Tea. I started drinking tea when I was very young. My dad is an Englishman and the moment i stopped drinking breastmilk i was immediately given tea with milk.

I think I associate tea very strongly with my family and feeling loved by them. When I was younger, my parents would often wake up before me, so they would often make me tea and wake me up with it.

Making tea for someone is still a huge gesture of affection to me and there's nothing quite like the smell of a nice hot cup of tea.

(If you’re ok talking about food. If not, delete this part)

•What’s your favorite food from where you were born? And what’s your favorite food from some place else?

My favourite food from Poland, huh? I love a lot of Polish foods, but I if I had to pick something it'd probably be krówki [which translates to 'little cows']. They're fudgelike candies, similair to Scottish Tablets and White Rabbit Creamy Candy. They're delicious.

For food from a different country? @nova-leaf has put the idea of Shortbread into my head now so that's all ill be thinking about I have to see if I have the stuff to make some at home or I'll go insane.

•What’s your favorite drink (if you drink alcohol, alcoholic and non-alcoholic)?

Alcoholic: Salty Caramel flavoured Krupnik. It is very difficult to explain what a Krupnik is? Its kind of like a liqueur.

Non Alcoholic: Orange Juice. It used to be diet coke but my addiction got so bad i had to quit cold turkey lest I completely wreck my health.

•Do you give your pets random table scraps?

Not random table scraps, but if I have any extra of whatever I'm cooking, and if they can eat it, I'll sometimes give them some as a snack or as an incentive while training them.

Thanks for the tag honey!

Tagging: @linnorabeifong @thatoneguy56fanfic @novaae @thenamescaba

#tag game

[a-littlebreak-for-b]

Honestly feeling like I need a rant so here we go-

I got on tumblr at the age of like 14. It's when I created the blog and wasn't just googling and finding things through random other websites. I was a halsey and tøp stan and was just discovering the tiniest bits of myself. With that being said I barely entered into the 1975 scene. I knew robbers. F*ckin sobbed to that song when I had my mini panic attacks alone in my room and I knew their hits and had heard the others. The songs seemed to just come up when I needed them and I vividly remember standing in an urban outfitters with my cousin and starring down the iliwys album (shout @morganonline ) and then listening to some of it to the point I knew the words. Robbers is one of my all time favorite songs both because at 14 I was making up my own words relative to what life was like growing up on the young end of 2014 tumblr gen but also because I've always been a film kid and their sort of coming of age essence kept me in line.

These people on tik tok are f*ckin vicious. Like no I hadn't know matty healy because I was small and stayed on the side of Halsey being Halsey not Halsey and matty but to see THESE ADULTS TEAR DOWN THESE YOUNG FANS DISCOVERING THEM LIKE WHAT!!! I'm turning 22 in 10 days. I just barely saw Halsey live. I've still never seen half the bands from that era that have made me who I am, including the 1975 but imagine if you went online and told your 14 year old self you couldn't go to a show and barricade because you only just discovered them? The very foundation of the 1975 is based on adolescence and learning and growing and you're out here telling young and new fans they can't experience that because you're angry about a ticket price (from resellers) or the way in which other young humans are crushing on matty lol. Like imagine ripping a role model away from some one (literally a climate change activist and someone open about recovering from addiction- not to make him out to be an angel cause obvi he isn't but like) because youre thinking your in competition with a 14 year old for a man whos famous and also thirty freaking three???

Something similar has been happening with that precious human opening for Taylor swift where swifties are literally BULLYING and shit talking (I think the person's name is) Gayle. Like wait taylor swifts agenda for the past few years has been to not tear other women down and to take back stolen grace but yall are gonna BASH A YOUNG ARTIST BRAVE ENOUGH TO SHARE THEIR WORK.

Idk. Like chill. Let young people be young people.

Just some thoughts that I figured you'd tumblr peeps would understand.

#matty healy #the 1975 #2014 tumblr #2014 nostalgia #taylorstans #taylor swift #halsey #twenty one pilots #b rants #bay rants

[free--therapy]

hii it's anon again! sorry for bothering you so many times 😭

umm so this is related to my other ask that I sent before this about me worrying about it getting as bad as it was two/three years back.

But when I think about it- what can even happen? Like back when it first started three years ago, I had many things I was worried about like COVID and such and since I didn't know what was going on with me, I had very bad health anxiety and stuff.

Now I know none of that is true and it was just thoughts. Now, I'm aware that this is just my mind and these thoughts are not facts at all. I know how to deal with it now even if I may still have problems with it but at least, I know. It's not like I'll suddenly worry about things like back then.

The only thing that can I think of that I actually am still a bit worried about are panic attacks.

But ever since my first panic attack there years ago, I've always sort of had a fear of panic attacks. For me, they always come in the form of my legs shaking and feeling weirdly warm as if my legs have slight fever and having slight stomachache like we do when we're nervous. Nothing else happens except my legs/lower body shaking a lot.

I've only had panic attacks very few times....like only a handful of times that too, mostly in the beginning when I didn't know what it was. and I haven't had one in the past two years. but since I've been so anxious about all sorts of old and new worries recently, I've been worrying about that too.

even in the last two years, there were times when I did worry about panic attacks once in a while but never had them because I would forget about the worry soon after. it used to be more of a passing thought like "what if my legs start shaking?" but I used to be like "yeah as if" and would forget about it.

But since I've been worrying so much about random worries recently, I started remembering all the things I had read on forums and watched on youtube videos about anxiety.  I think I've mentioned this before but a lot of my worries are actually just worries I picked up from seeing other people talk about it in a negative way on forums or videos. It's kinda the same with this too.

Since I've seen videos where people talk about how their anxiety made them completely withdraw from everything, how they had bad panic attacks almost everyday, etc. I've been remembering those posts/videos and worrying "since I've been anxious about so many things recently, what if that happens to me too?" The people also used to talk about how many places made them get anxious and have panic attacks when they visited those places and I started worrying "what if all my favourite places make me remember my anxious worries or start reminding me of my associations? what if it makes me start having panic attacks then too?"

I watched videos of people saying that or read it on forums and all of that two-three years ago and never saw it again but I still remember it because it was so triggering. For me, since most of anxiety is due to reading other people's symptoms that sounded scary to me and then me worrying about it and kind of mimicking those symptoms in a way, so for me mental health disorders and especially anxiety in itself is something that worries me.

So since a few days, I've been worrying about it and since for me, when I get anxious, my legs shake, so I've been so conscious of my legs. As in, I keep subconsciously focusing on my legs almost as if "waiting for it to happen anytime now" and it's so frustrating. When it did happen three years back, it used to be mostly at night only. so I'm especially conscious at night time.

I've been telling myself not to bother with it because the legs shaking themselves isn't scary at all but it makes me catastrophicize and come to all sorts of conclusions like "what if they keep shaking always or any random day?" "What if it starts happening anywhere randomly?" "What if it stops me from enjoying all the things I like?" "What if it gets so bad it makes me depressed?" "What if it makes my life miserable?" Etc. And all those thoughts make me even more worried.

Like my legs shaking isn't that scary in itself but all the what ifs like I mentioned above, they are what makes it scary.

When I did have a therapist two years back, she told me that I had a tendency to catastrophicize a lot and to come to all sorts of negative conclusions and believe them too. She said I had a habit of daydreaming and with these worries, all my free time when I used to daydream shifted to overthinking about those worries. She's right. I do come to extreme negative conclusions about all my worries and get anxious about it but how do I shift perspectives?

About me worrying about panic attacks or my legs shaking, I know it's just a bunch of thoughts too but what do I do? I mean, since I do subconsciously end u focusing on my legs, what do I do?

What I've been trying to remind myself is it's not like just thinking about it or focusing on it is gonna make me break into panic everytime. And even if my legs do start shaking, I don't have to immediately jump to those awful conclusions even then. I mean, even if my legs shake, I can still choose to not let any thoughts related to it bother me. I can choose to keep doing whatever I'm doing, keep enjoying myself without letting any negative thoughts make me feel paralyzed by fear.

I mean, instead of thinking that I have to stop living my life because my legs are shaking or that I've been having so many intrusive or worry thoughts, I can simply continue to enjoy doing what I like and not let myself spiral into those thoughts.

In the end, all of these thoughts without any exceptions, are all simply just "thoughts" and no matter what get conscious of or how complex a thought/worry seems, in the end, it's just a worry and not real. So I don't have to wait for any thought to go away or for my legs to stop shaking (even before they start shaking to begin with), either way, I can keep continuing my life.

Because one thing I've constantly noticed is that I keep thinking of the worst case scenario for any and every worry and then try to think what I'll do if and when that happens, how I'll get over it, etc. But instead of waiting for something bad to happen or instead of waiting for the anxiety to make me feel worried about something or for me to panic again, I can simply let go.

Because I keep waiting for worse things that trigger me to happen, like waiting for things that make me most anxious to happen and thinking of them as "problems" and trying to solve them before they even happen. Even though, there's no certainty that it will happen to begin with so why bother at all? I'm just getting super worried about the uncertainty of all the worries and that's exactly what anxiety is so I know I'm fine, I'm safe and that I'll be okay.

What do you think? Did you ever have a fear of panic attacks? And if you did, how did you get over it? Like, how do I stop worrying about it before it even happens? And if it does happen, how do I deal with it? What do I tell myself?

It's like whatever I read those people struggling with on those forums and videos, I started worrying about it and recently I've been thinking about it again and worrying about things getting like back then again.

I know it can't because of many reasons. Time is different, it isn't the lockdown, I know and manage myself better, I have awareness even if I get anxious, it's just better and I know that deep down.

But still my anxiety recently and my mind not having any thing to obsessively worry about has been trying to make me feel as if it's like back then or as if it'll get like back then again.

Anon,

You are in such a better place today than you were back then. There are so many new things that you've learned since then that you didn't know back then and that alone is enough to convince yourself that things are different and won't be the same (in a good way)

As for those old youtube videos and forums (the forums especially), you have to realize that you were talking to other people with irrational thoughts too and that their irrational thoughts will only fuel yours for the worst. It's not really a healthy environment to be around others who don't know how to tame their thoughts either as they can enable one another, and it's really unhelpful in the end. Going off on your own to figure out what can work for you, away from that environment is definitely for the best. I understand the need for community though and feeling validated, so I get why they're appealing.

I do come to extreme negative conclusions about all my worries and get anxious about it but how do I shift perspectives?

In order to shift perspectives there are many ways to go about it. Thinking positively or assuming something will go right is a good way to start. I know it's hard because your mind is stuck in a negativity bias, but a lot of the time our negative assumptions and conclusions are usually wrong. I have a whole topic on assumptions if you'd like to check that out. Another way to shift perspectives is to ask other people what they think about a certain situation. Everyone assumes that everyone thinks the same way that they do or they're not even aware that other people think differently, so it helps when you get perspectives from someone else. Even just taking your first (negative) assumption and finding something positive can help. That is something I do with a lot of the patients I deal with at the clinic I work at. A lot of them are looking for help with their health and whenever I'm doing exams with them, they'll say something negative and I'll give them a more positive or realistic perspective as a way to get them thinking differently. It helps to find new people who have a more positive outlook on life because they'll help you think differently. It really makes a huge difference.

In your case with the panic attacks, you know the signs, but you also know how much power you have over your mind now and how far you've come since those days of having them. I wouldn't worry too much about them coming back around again, however if you do feel like you're going back down that road, recognize that it's happening and that you know you'll get through whatever happens. You know the signs and you know what you can do after the fact if it happens again. You can even try some self-soothing techniques or even the distress tolerance skills I mentioned in a previous ask. Deep breathing or other breathing techniques can also help to regulate your nervous system so you don't end up going into a full-fledged panic attack. There are definitely a lot of things you can try to help stop it from happening now that you know what to look for.

#ask #answered #anon #anxiety #panic attacks #overthinking #intrusive thoughts

[greyzoneeeeee]

Ever so present, but invisible.

I had my first panic attack when I was 12. I went to the doctor once as a teenager(around 16/17) about it because I wasn't coping- at that time it was some sorta "Acute Anxiety" and I got a Valium elixir to help take the edge off. That actually did help, but he wouldn't repeat the prescription because it was easy to get addicted to it. Which was a good decision in hindsight. I did start getting better so never really went back to the Doctor about it. However I would say I was just getting used to living with it, and knowing it was anxiety. So I'd say I'm currently living with some sorta functioning chronic anxiety of some sort. But I can't be bothered going to the Doctor about it. Anyway, in an effort to sooth whatever is bugging me atm, and to reassure others out there, here's a list of every anxiety symptom I've ever had.

Age 12 - Random sudden onset panic attacks. Related to flying away from home for the first time and starting high school soon. Obviously didn't even know the word "Anxiety" then. Mum and dad didn't really either but the mobile doctor told me to breathe into a paper bag and that was it lol. For reference this was 2004/2005. So it was a different time back then. Age 13-15 - This was the first three years of high school. I didn't really have panic attacks and my only symptom was "weird breathing". That was the only way I could describe it at the time. Essentially it's the obstructed breathing. Either inhaling or exhaling would feel like I was breathing through an obstruction. But at the same time I knew I COULD breathe, which I think is how I've been able to keep most panic attacks away. I'm definitely prone to health anxiety, and I've always been scared of having trouble breathing (Mum had asthma). So I learnt very quickly that the only person who was gonna be able to reassure me...was myself. Year 12 - Despite being scared to go to high school, now I was scared to leave the security of school. So this year was absolute anxiety hell lol. I watched a scary movie at the cinema and it just set all the symptoms off and running into most of the year. Weird breathing, occasional panic attacks if I let myself entertain the anxiety too much, light-headed, trouble focusing and staying present at home and school, numb/tingling/shaking hands and feet, feeling an obstruction in my throat when swallowing(this one + the weird breathing kept me up at night), feeling like I couldn't breathe if I was lying flat so I slept on like 7 pillows, difficulty falling asleep, mild stomach cramps/indigestion. I'd have weird breathing basically all day and night, every day, at home and at school. The only time it left was when I played sport at school or did after school stuff. Again, this worked as a reassurance that it was JUST anxiety, and nothing physical. Despite being anxious constantly, knowing it was anxiety was the only thing keeping it from getting worse than it was lol. That was the year I went to the doctor to get Valium. I think by the end of the year I was mooostly better. For a long time after that the only anxiety symptom I would get was the "weird breathing". Most times I didn't know what I was even anxious about, but it would quietly just exist for a bit then leave. Because it is one of the oldest symptoms, I'm very familiar with it. So it doesn't stress me out much anymore when I have it.

In the last few years a few new friends have appeared. The older one is a new branch of weird breathing where I can breathe clearly buuut it feels like my lungs are too small for the amount of air I want to inhale, like I can't quuuuite get a full breath. It ends up making me yawn a lot, and if I distract myself or wait a bit I can get that good full breath I'm looking for. Doesn't happen all the time, but comes and goes in phases. It's not particularly stressful to have...but it is annoying. I had a random sensation in my throat for like a week, constantly. When swallowing, when eating, when doing nothing, it was really getting to me. Then when I went drumming for a few hours it left and never came back. So that's how I knew that was anxiety. The second friend came a little bit after that throat sensation. I went to swallow some food and my throat basically panic blocked it from going down. I FREAKED out, internally. Heart rate shot through the roof, full flight-mode hahaha. Swallowing issues really freak me out, and I think it's closely connected to the breathing anxiety. So basically any sort of suffocating/choking/inability to breathe/drowing are big fears that I seem to have always had. Anxiety is really good at finding those fears and manifesting them into physical symptoms lol. Anyway, the only thing that calmed me down was that it was the same sensation I had when I was younger and tried to swallow tablets. I was scared of swallowing tablets (hence the Valium elixir), and my throat would panic block them from going down - which in turn makes you panic more cause you feel like you're choking. It was the exact same feeling. That plus the fact I knew I was swallowing liquids just fine. So eventually that settled down. It does come and go still. It has also resulted in me being a liiitle spooked when eating certain foods like noodles in any broth, ddeokbokki, japchae because the noodles are so slimey. I do think about it when I go out and eat those foods, which means it tries to creep in. I'm able to be more present now though and not just panic, so if I feel like a bit of food swallows awkwardly I stop, take very mindful inhale through my nose, work some saliva in my mouth and push the food to the back of my mouth with my tongue then swallow it. Again my reassurance is it's not with every food, and it's never at breakfast and lunch, it's only dinner. It's anxiety, it's your brain, you are physically okay.

Mum never resonated with anxiety until she got it in her later years, but she always wished she could help me when I was younger. Dad I think instinctively knew I wouldn't gain anything from telling him how I felt LOL. Most of my friends weren't helpful, one of them didn't even think anxiety existed. I had one friend who I think was going through something similar, but we were young and she would listen to me but couldn't really help me. That was as a teenager. Now as adults we both talk about anxiety openly, she's incredibly reassuring to talk to because when she talks about her symptoms I know I'm not alone in how I feel.

I also was getting mild tooth aches near a tooth I was sus about earlier this year. I hadn't been to the dentist since pre-covid so I think I was stressing about the fact it had been a while and what if something was wrong, and I kept putting off booking an appointment cause I hate ringing people lol. Tooth ache left within days of booking that appointment, teeth were fine and I didn't even need any fillings. I was shocked hahahah.

Also sometimes if it takes me a while to sleep I'll get anxious about not being able to sleep. Then my brain keeps thinking and thinking and thinking. Mainly before a big day or event if I have to be up hella early for it. I kinda just put up with it, tell myself I'm being a turkey, distract with my phone if I need to. But above all that, DON'T LOOK AT THE TIME! For me at least, knowing the time makes it worse. Even if I'm not actively stressing....It'll quietly niggle at the back that I'm "running out of time". Even though I know I've functioned just fine with no sleep before, and the sleep the night after is suh gooood.

So....yeah that's where we are now in the early 30's. There are a few more obscure symptoms I've had but I don't remember them atm, will add them if I remember.

#Anxiety #Anxiety Symptoms #A small list lol

[disneydreamlights]

I’ve been thinking back throughout January 2021 and it’s lowkey absurd just how much of a comfort media SW has become for me.

Not because it is because in hindsight it’s stupidly obvious. We have one of the only fully fleshed out corruption arcs, the ultimate Heather(tm) type of character at least twice over to the point that the idea of one of them not resonating with me would’ve been a joke, a romance that embodies too many of my tropes, and a storyline that feels so in line with the messages that brought me into KH in the first place it was really only inevitable I’d be at least invested in this series.

But sometimes I really think about how much I went off about hating Star Wars since 2010 all over my different internet profiles and its just wild how I could go from hating SW on principle to being like “Hey um actually this wasn’t half bad like it’s not my favorite thing ever but I am getting some enjoyment” to “Well I guess this is where my brain latched onto we’re going to be in this for a month” to “ANAKIN” over the course of probably six or so months is so funny to me since I think I knew right from the start I actually liked this series (even the bad ones, for the most part) I just absolutely refused to admit it. Like is anything here high quality for modern standards? No probably not but I like them and that’s what matters.

#personal stuff #This feels very random but I've been thinking about the three panic attacks I've had in the last month #And how all three times after the initial attack subsided and I could think again it's been writing Anakin that's grounded me and brought me #back to the point where I didn't feel like I was going to spiral again into another one #It's funny because I'd normally haha how the mighty have fallen but I'm just glad it happened #Also while I'm in the tags I sometimes think about how I'd almost watched SW in high school #It was probably a little after the first thing that actually made me think about SW as something that could be interesting #(Some post a mututal reblogged back in like 2012 I don't remember it now) #And my dad and I were spending the afternoon at home while my sister and mom were doing something they needed to do #And my dad was going through Netflix to try to find something for us to watch since that was the point TV and modern pop culture started to #lose their appeal to me completely because I was getting more gratification from fanfiction and/or writing so my dad trying to find #something that I wanted to watch was just immensely difficult (as hard as it is now honestly but we spend less time alone at home now) #And he asked me if I was interested in Star Wars and despite having had my curiosity in the series briefly piqued because of that post I #said no I wasn't because he doesn't like SW at all and I didn't want to like the series because my family didn't and we moved on and put on #something else or we played Halo or something that I don't really remember now #And I just think about that interaction sometimes like...what would have happened differently had I gotten into the series then #Had I said ''Okay let's watch the first Star Wars it might be fun'' #Would I have celebrated Galaxy's Edge or would the parks fan in me still been pissed at its existence in Disneyland proper #Perhaps I'd be a lot more open with my family of what I like in SW and less conscious of my interest in the prequel era #Would I even be a prequel stan? Or would I be one of those ''OT only'' people with no regard for Padme or Anakin #Like maybe I would've just watched the movies and called it a night #It's like when I think about how I could've gotten into KH at age eight with CoM I don't regret the timing of when I got into it #But a part of me can't help but wonder ''What if?'' #Sometimes I go off in the tags as much as I go off in the main post and you know what? It's fine

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Ninety

Words: 4k

Warning(s): explicit language, mentions of violence, mentions of drug abuse

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"Hey, Viv, it's Tansy...I got your flowers and was calling to let you know I'm getting out of the hospital today, and I'm heading to the same place the guys are at, Nikki said it doesn't suck as bad as the other places they've tested out, um…" Tansy's sweet voice sounds over my answering machine. "...I'm really sorry for not calling earlier. I'm just now getting off methadone, so I've kicked smack successfully. I just wanted you to know I'm doing okay and getting some help, and Nikki called and told me you two were working things out." She adds. "Come visit me, soon, okay? We have a lot of shit to talk through, and I know we do, I just don't know where to start but I love you. I'll see you later." 

She hangs up and I smile a little bit, rubbing my lips together.

I haven't heard anything on her since Steven told me she was in the hospital back in New York after her overdose not long after Nikki's. I sent flowers when he told me she had to undergo emergency surgery to cut a part of her liver out that was turning necrotic. 

I hope we can get through things like me and Nikki are trying to do, I think Amber's going to try to bring Vince and Tommy in to talk about our relationships as a whole the session after this next one Nikki and I have...maybe Tansy and I can sit down a few times and hash things out, too. 

I head to get a bath, but it's not long before my peace is soon disturbed. 

This is the fifth time the phone has rung in the past two minutes, and I roll my eyes and pull myself out of the bathtub, grabbing my towel and stepping to the living room. 

I already see my message machine blinking from unheard voice-mails, and I pick the phone up and answer it. 

Before I can even say, "hello," Sharise starts in. 

"Vivian, what is going on, why didn't you say anything about it, why--"

"Sharise, slow down," I'm bombarded with a million questions, paranoia making my chest tighten. 

"Vivian, you're pregnant, apparently, that's what's going on." She clarifies, and I feel the color drain from my face. 

"Did Vince hear that from Nikki and tell you or--"

"--You're actually pregnant?!"

"You didn't hear it from Vince?" 

"No, Vivian, it's all over MTV!" She says next, not sounding angry at me, just shocked. 

"What?!" 

Just as soon as she says it, there's a sharp beep from the phone, indicating someone's trying to call. 

"Gimme a second and I'll call you back." I assure her. 

"Fuck that, I'm coming over." She tells me before hanging up and I take the next call while turning the TV on to MTV. 

I just see a picture of Nikki and I on the screen as I hear, "again, congratulations to Nikki and Vivian Sixx on the news of their…"

"Hello?" I answer the call that has interrupted Sharise and I. 

"Why the fuck is Page Six running a story about you being knocked up with Duff fucking McKagan's kid?!" Doc yells and I nearly fall out, starting to panic.

"Because I am, but I have no idea how the hell anybody other than Nikki and Duff know about it, Doc, I haven't even told any of my friends or family yet, I swear." I promise and I hear him curse and throw stuff around on the other end for a good two minutes before calmly saying, "this isn't good, Viv." 

"No, shit, Sherlock." I reply. 

"I'm going to talk to Sixx, you just stay at home--don't do anything irrational, we'll take care of this." He states, hanging up. 

My phone is ringing again as soon as he hangs up. 

My phone starts ringing off the hook within three minutes and I have to step outside to the back yard with Whisky to get away from it.

I'm sitting on the edge of the pool when Sharise gets here, this look of disbelief on her face. 

"I had to drop Sky by my mom's, what the hell, Viv?" She asks me, sitting beside me. 

"I was gonna tell you and everybody once I got past the first trimester, Sharise, I promise." I say, honestly. 

"I'm not mad that you didn't, I'm just...I didn't realize you and Nikki were sleeping together again." 

"We're not." I state. "And Doc said that Page Six already knows it's Duff's and has it plastered everywhere so somebody said something to somebody." 

"Duff?! Holy shit, Vivian." She breathes out, her eyes wide. 

"This is bad." I squeeze my eyes shut, rubbing my face. "This is so, so bad, Sharise." 

"What're you gonna do?" She asks me. "I mean...when did you two even start…you know?" 

"September." I tell her. 

"Are you gonna admit it's Duff's or just play it off as Nikki's publicly and then privately it's gonna know Duff is really it's dad or does he even want anything to do with it?" 

"Yeah, he does, and Nikki's managing." I inform her, and she nods slowly. "It's nobody's business. It's not. So I shouldn't have to explain myself to anybody but I know everybody will want an explanation and we'll just admit it's Duff's and ignore the bullshit people are gonna throw at us...I just don't want to lose any friends over this…"

"If you lose friends over this, they're not your real friends, because everybody you're close with knows exactly what kind of marriage you and Nikki have been having the past year and you've both been struggling with different things and his affair with Vanity and so I think everybody should be pretty understanding of the situation." She tells me. 

"They should be. Doesn't mean they will." 

"Well, the ones who matter right now will." She reassures me. "And from what I've been gathering the last six months, that doesn't include Tommy and Vince right now because I already know they're probably gonna be on Nikki's side completely." 

"Yeah, so will all of the fans." I mumble. 

"Well, if you're gonna confirm it's Duff's, is he gonna come out and say that he actually did have an affair with Vanity or are you just gonna be the sacrificial lamb in all this?" 

"I have no idea, Sharise." I admit.

"I think he should." She states. "Because it's not gonna be fair for people to think you just went to another man and 'cheated' on Nikki out of nowhere." 

"It doesn't matter what Nikki says about the Vanity thing, he's just gonna be a God and I'm gonna be a whore." I argue, sighing out. 

"You really think that?" 

"I know that." I state, matter of fact. 

And, boy, was I right.

"Did you two talk about the relationship you have with your mother?" Amber asks Nikki. 

"I haven't had time to because we've been dealing with a lot of shit right now." He states. 

"Okay," she nods in understanding, because there's no way she hasn't heard what we're dealing with, now. "Do you want to talk about it now, then?" She asks. 

"Yeah, I can." He agrees. 

"Okay, go ahead." She leans back, letting him have the chance to talk to me.

He just stares at me, sighing out, looking as if he's struggling with talking to me about it. 

"Nikki, if you don't tell her, she can't understand." She adds and he rubs the back of his neck, looking at her to help him a little bit. 

"Start with dad," she suggests. 

"He left when I was little." He says to me. 

"And mom…" 

"...And mom started spiraling when he left." He explains. "She and whatever boyfriend she'd have at the time, would drop me off with Nona and Tom for months at a time, then when she'd come get me she'd be with a different man--sometimes married to them." He continues. "And, me being the smartass I am, when I get old enough to want to voice my opinion, I'd bump heads a lot with some of the dudes she brought around and things would get physical." He says next. "But, of course, she wouldn't feel like dealing with it because I was always ruining her partying anyway, so she'd send me off, again…things got really messy when I was, like, thirteen. Me and her got into it pretty bad and she started in on me and I told her I just wanted her to fuck off--I was just tired of it, so I hurt myself and called the cops and told them she attacked me, and she was arrested and I was sent back to Idaho to be with my grandparents." His voice shakes a little and I feel my heart hurt in my chest. 

I remember Nona telling me he and his mom had a lot of issues with each other, but I didn't think it was to that extent. 

"Have you talked to your dad at all?" I ask him, furrowing my brows a little and he rubs his chin, shaking his head a little. 

"I tried, like, ten years ago, and he told me he didn't have a son." He states. "Mom's always said I ran him off, but I was only two, so I know that's bullshit." He adds. 

"When I talked to you about all of this, it was very clear that you felt discarded, inadequate, and abandoned, because you have spent a good part of your childhood yearning for your mother's approval." Amber says. "Do you think that's true?" 

"Yeah." He nods. 

"Jumping through hoops at times to get it, but still being ditched with your grandparents while she went on and pretended she didn't have a little boy she needed to be responsible for."

He agrees, again, and she gives him a smile. 

"A woman is who her mother makes her to be and who her father says she is. A man is who his father makes him to be and who his mother says he is." She tells us. "And you didn't have a father around to make you, and all your mother told you was that you weren't appreciated, you weren't approved of, you weren't worthy of the love and attention you deserved." She states. "And you married a woman whose mother made her to strive for this unattainable level of perfection and have a complete come apart when it can't be reached, and a father who told her she wasn't worth the trouble it took to protect her." She tells us."I want to know--because it is so evident that you two carry so much resentment toward one another--what is one reason--out of many-- that it's there."  

"She's always looked down on me." Nikki says it. 

"Why?" 

"Because I don't live like she does." 

"Explain what that means." 

"She believes in God, I don't. She's spent our relationship sober, I haven't. She's more modest and conservative, I'm not."

"I don't resent you for not believing in a God and not being modest and conservative--those are a few of the things I respect about you, Nikki." I argue. 

"Bullshi--"

"--No, no, no cursing. Take a breath." Amber reassures him, calmly. 

"She hasn't let me do what I want to do. If I do what I want to do, she's on my throat over it or guilt tripping me or attacking me over it." He states. 

"Because all you've wanted to do the past three years is drugs, Nikki." I mumble. 

"Go back to guilt tripping." Amber tells him. "Does she put you on a guilt trip, or are you guilty after you do something you know she would not like for you to do and you beat yourself up for it?" She asks. 

"She just shuts down." 

"She shuts down?" 

She looks at me. 

"Why do you shut down when he does something you don't like?" 

"Because it's always drugs or something mean he does when he's on drugs, and I don't want to be around it, but most times I can't get away from it so I just go somewhere else, mentally." I admit. 

"And you see when she does that, and it makes you feel bad." Amber says to him. 

"Yeah." 

"That's not guilt tripping you, Nikki, that's her protecting herself because you won't." She points out. "Vivian, what's one of the reasons you carry resentment for him?"

"I'm not a priority." I tell her. 

"The amount of money I've spent on you since we got together, and you're not a priority?!" He asks me, pissed and shocked I have the audacity to say that. 

"Buying me a house and a new car and getting me nice things isn't showing me I'm a priority, Nikki, it's just you feeling bad for the shit you've done and buying me things to make yourself feel better for it. I'm grateful that you've made sure I've been taken care of in the sense that I've never gone hungry, I've never been out on the street, I've never had to go without utilities and hot water and things like that, and I've lived a spoiled life in terms of finances and the car I drive and the house we've lived in. You're a great provider--you just…we wouldn't be in this position if you didn't choose drugs over me." I say to him. 

"I haven't." He argues. 

"You blew off our wedding night to go to a party with Tommy." I remind him and Amber raises her brows. "Then you got in that accident on your way back home and hurt your shoulder and started smoking heroin to get through the pain so you could finish the album." I add and he rolls his jaw. "I love everything about you, except your drug abuse. And I've been so angry because there is no line with you. You just keep getting worse and worse and then turn around and convince yourself that I'm ungrateful and I don't approve of who you are because I'm perpetually bitter about the marriage I've been in--and it's all my fault in your eyes. Everything bad that's happened is all my fault." 

"I don't think that, I just put blame on you where it's due, you just refuse to see that you're a problem in all of this, too." He explains. 

"If you weren't on smack, we wouldn't have problems, Nikki." 

"Vivian." He says it as if saying, "you know that's bullshit." 

"What?" 

"The amount of times me or somebody would tell you to take your medication and you'd blow us off and just let yourself get more--"

"--You can't compare depression to drug addiction. Depression didn't turn me into a completely different person. You shot me, Nikki. You shot me. And that still didn't make you realize you needed to get sober." 

"You've physically assaulted me and other people, Vivian, in a frenzy, and still didn't see the issue with your mental state." 

"You've put your hands on me before, too, so don't make me sound like--"

"--I've grabbed you a few times and that's been when you were trying to beat me. So don't start that shit." He snaps. "The times I physically hurt you, I was doped up and wasn't thinking straight. The times you've physically hurt me and other people, you were sober, you just weren't taking your medicine. So you can keep saying that I chose drugs over you, but the amount of times you've chosen your pride and, 'I don't need to be on medicine,' over me is just as bad." He says. "If you weren't so damn angry all the time over tiny shit."

"No, no, it's not just her being angry over tiny things. It's you getting with a seventeen year old girl, and placing the responsibilities of a forty-one year old mother on her." She adds and he breathes out. "Your wife has been raising you the past seven years. She's your wife. She's not your mama. And you have been punishing her like she is. Her not wanting you to destroy yourself with drugs doesn't equate to the times your mother wouldn't let you dress the way you wanted to dress, or do the artistically productive things you wanted to do that she couldn't understand that you'd fight about. This woman was seventeen years old. You had no business being twenty-two and seeing a seventeen year old, let alone putting that much weight and expectation on her shoulders and getting angry and saying she didn't appreciate you because she didn't know how to handle it all while every year you'd push further and further." She goes on. "Years of anger and resentment and bitterness towards your mother, all turned loose on a girl who didn't cause any of it, just because she didn't want you running yourself into a grave." She adds, pointedly. "When me and you first started working together to get to the bottom of all of this, you told me that she went from worshipping the ground you walked on, to being an evil demon from hell--do you remember saying that?" 

He hesitantly replies, quietly, "yes." 

"Do you realize that you have done everything in your power to verbally, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually beat the hell out of the very girl who saw you as her God before she was even old enough to really know who God was?" She asks him. "All because the woman who made you feel like you weren't worth the trouble it took to stay around and raise you, was never there to answer for her actions so you started chopping at the next one in line."

"Okay, I get it, I'm fucked up, I fucked her up, I've ruined our marriage, it's all my fault, and she's the innocent angel who was seduced by me and dragged to hell, I get." He stands up. 

"Nikki," Amber starts. 

"Nikki," I say as he steps to the door, "we can't fix this if you--"

"--Yeah, fix this." He flicks me off before slamming the door. 

I grind my teeth and stomp after him, ignoring Amber's warning against it. 

"You are such an asshole!" I bark at him, following him. 

"Wow, I've never heard that one before!" He laughs humorlessly. 

"Nikki, seriously, she got all over me for being mad at you for sleeping with two-hundred girls, you can take her pointing out that you hate me because I remind you--"

"--I don't hate you, Vivian, alright?" He stops, turning to face me. 

"Well, you're really acting like it." I cross my arms. 

"I don't. I'm just pissed that you refuse to accept that I'm not the only problem in this shit show and if you wanna work on us you need to realize that you'r--"

"--Baby," I breathe out, grabbing at his hand and he rubs his forehead, "I know it's my fault, too, but it's just…" I blink back tears, looking away from him. 

"...Just what?" He asks. 

"Embarrassing." I wipe my eyes, sniffling. "It's embarrassing having to sit there, pregnant with another dude's baby, and tell a stranger about how I've abused my husband and people around me." 

"You think it's not embarrassing for me to sort through shooting you and strangling you and still not walking away from drugs?" He asks. "Don't even get me started on having to tell you I've cheated that many fucking times and even had a mistress?" He adds…"I think I've embarrassed myself, and you, more than you've embarrassed yourself and me." 

"I'm pregnant. And it's gone public. And it's not yours. And it's gone public. I think I've won with which one of us has embarrassed the other the most." I mumble. 

"Well, I'm not embarrassed. Those people don't know shit." He tells me, furrowing his brows. 

"I am." I say, trying not to cry again. 

I'm taken back a little when he hugs me, tightly…"Why didn't you tell me about your mom?" I him, my face in his chest, tears rolling down my cheeks. 

"Because I didn't want to bother you with it." He says. 

"I wouldn't have been bothered by it, Nikki." I sniffle, looking up at him. 

He blinks a couple times and breathes out. 

"There's a basket on the closet shelf at home with several of my journals in it." He explains. "Filled with things I didn't want to bother you with." He adds. "I really think if you feel too embarrassed or ashamed, reading those will prove my point that I've been worse than you have." He admits. 

"I'm pregnant--"

"--I know you are." He grabs the sides of my face, looking me in the eyes. "Just read them if you want to, but I say a lot of shit in there I wrote when I was high, so there's your warning." He adds. 

"Are you sure you want me to read them?" I ask. 

"Yeah." 

***I wish he would've said, "no," because I screwed myself over while reading them.***

NIKKI 

I turned into a senseless moron the second she got ahold of my hand, looked at me with watery, pretty eyes, and said, "baby." 

I would've let a train hit me if I knew it would've made her feel less embarrassed and ashamed. I didn't think reading my journals would've made her feel better--just help her gain an understanding that she's the smart one out of the two of us…

If this was one year ago, I'd have her face down on a mattress, making up for our argument. 

But obviously that isn't much of a solution...so I just pull away and smile with my teeth at her the best I can, feeling better when her thumbs graze over my dimples and she smiles, too. 

"I'm sorry I was rude in there." She tells me, next. 

"I'm sorry for being an asshole." I reply, honestly…

"Do you really think I look down on you because you don't believe the same things I do?" 

"Sometimes, I guess." I admit to her. 

"I don't." She tells me. "I never really have." She adds. "I just don't like when you make fun of it or mock it." 

"...Yeah, 'Wild Side' was kinda a dick move…" I tell her and she looks at me. 

"A catchy dick move." She says. "And I like the song, I just wish you wouldn't have made it simply to spite me for the most part." 

"I'll try not to use my powers for evil against you again." I assure her…"But you gotta quit using sex to try to get out of stuff, and I will, too." I say next. "This shit's so hard because we don't talk about stuff, and we never have, and it's just better to go ahead and embarrass ourselves and talk about it instead of trying to fix it with something we can obviously go get from other people--and have gone and gotten from other people."

"And we can't blow up on each other when we do try to talk and work things out." She adds. "So no screaming at each other." 

"And no hitting." I say. 

"Ever." She agrees.

I hold my pinkie out to her and she smiles softly, taking it with hers before I kiss her cheek and pull her to me again.

I didn't know, a week from then, I'd be screaming up a storm from learning about seven fucking miscarriages from '83 to '87 that she didn't tell me about.

#gateway drug #nikki sixx #nikki sixx x oc #nikki sixx fanfiction

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Scream Queens Ep 6 "Seven Minutes in Hell" (Note: Offensive content, use at own discretion)

Everyone would immediately assume the killer is me.

Are you one of those idiot savants who's heavy on the idiot, light on the savant?

I am simply a victim of my times.

Are you aware your pants are on backwards?

Then whose fault is it?

I am never talking about anything ever again!

Yeah, super sorry about what happened down there.

Why are you laughing?

What about that fit you threw down there?

You're not mad at me?

Oh, I meant everything I said about you.

I still think you're useless. I'm just not sad about it.

You never, ever want to be the boss in a time of extreme crisis.

As soon as you become the boss, you get a target on your back, from the feds, the other families, ambitious underlings.

Sure, seems like you have all the power, but you also take on the most risk.

Oh, don't judge me for trying to stay alive.

Do not give an inch.

What's your game here?

I trust you about as far as I can throw you.

I know we don't know who the killer is, but we know it traces back to this house.

There are two things that always happen at a slumber party; someone experiments with lesbianism and secrets are revealed.

We can create situations and scenarios to really prime the pump.

We'll lock everybody up overnight, and we're bound to find out something.

A slumber party sounds fun.

Let's play spin the bottle.

Someone always goes lesbian.

We're playing spin the damn bottle.

Why spin the bottle?

That is not a nasty rumor. That is a true rumor.

So I propose a panty raid.

You taste like wax.

I guess we have to kiss.

You're a great kisser.

Was I interrupting you?

I was just practicing looking disinterested.

I'm pretty sure I was born without that part of the brain that actually feels stuff.

We have so much in common.

I'm starting to think we have something very important and specific in common.

My sex life up until this point is what you'd call unusual.

I think the only way to be sure of your feelings is if you let me gently rub your uterus right now.

When I love someone, it drives them insane.

Believe me when I say that if it was possible for me to feel anything I would totally be crying right now.

That doesn't seem healthy.

All the doors are locked solid. Windows, too. Upstairs and down.

I decided to have the whole house turned into a panic room.

But wait, doesn't that mean that there's some sort of switch somewhere to deactivate it?

I hate being trapped in small places.

There's only one reason why the killer would do something like this-- to pick us off one by one.

Guess it's just a matter of time before one of us or all of us ends up dead.

You have to help us.

Look, I'm prepared to say I'm sorry I did that.

What I'm not prepared to do is say the sex was bad.

Yeah. I'm not gonna apologize for that one.

I'm about to get murdered, so can you please just hang up and get over here?

How on earth are we supposed to get in if all the doors and windows are locked?

Dude, we climb up the ladder, break the windows upstairs, save all the girls, climb back down, then it's vagina city for all of us.

Why would you bomb-proof upstairs windows? For what, like, a flying bomb?

Don't be an idiot.

It's hero time.

Save me and I'm yours forever.

I'm not really sure I'm ready for that level of commitment.

Break the glass!

Stand back, fair maiden.

Give him the dignity of watching him die.

Someone in this house definitely knows who the killer is.

It's truth or dare time.

Whatever it takes to stop the douche that's trying to kill everybody.

I mean, do you ever just stop and ask yourself if we can actually pull this off?

Maybe we all just need to get out of here.

The best way to avoid a shark attack is to not go in the water.

We all have a crisis of faith sometimes.

Maybe you're hiding something.

I'd pick truth and then just lie.

If you want to lie, you can just pick dare.

That's the whole point of truth or dare. You can't lie.

Does your vagina have teeth?

I'm not lying.

My vagina doesn't have teeth.

Does your vagina still have teeth?

So it used to have teeth, but you got them removed?

So your vagina still has teeth.

Sounds like you're trapped in a web of lies.

You're forfeiting your turn, bitch.

Okay, I guess it's my turn, then.

You promised you wouldn't tell.

Sorry. I had to tell the truth.

Of course you're the killer.

I propose we take a little break, You know, take a whiz, get a refill.

You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever trusted you.

I wanted to talk about the other thing you said, about how you thought you had feelings for me.

The only feelings I have for you now are rage and pissed offedness.

Now go sit in that bathtub and think about what you've done. And try not to rub one out, okay?

Come on! I said I was sorry!

If anybody's down here, please don't jump out at me.

Is that blood?

Wait. If you're gonna kill me, at least show me who you are first.

I knew it. I knew it was you.

Please. You don't have to do this. I could help you.

There's never any food in there. Just laxatives.

I got the impression that you and I are on the verge of being the next "it" couple.

See, this is the problem with texting, you know? You can't hear the context.

Even though I decided to not wear a bra, you haven't been staring at my shirt raisins once.

Okay, look, I was waiting to talk to you about this 'cause secretly I was hoping you'd be killed and I wouldn't have to hurt your feelings.

I just don't think it would work out with us.

You're nuts, and not like a typical crazy-eyes co-ed, but wake-up-with-my penis-in-a-jar lunatic.

I love space mountain. Best ride at Disneyland. But I love my penis more.

Number one-- I never take second place. And number two-- I don't stop till I get what I want.

Was that salad spinner hitting on you?

I am super turned on from her, and I need some sweet release.

Is there any, like, Crisco or cooking oil here? Just, like, dry handies bum me out.

I propose we treat ourselves to a little heaven. Seven minutes in heaven.

Whatever your plan was, it isn't working.

Would you like to pat the little man in the canoe?

I want to take our relationship to the next level.

I want us to be together, but I want it to mean something.

I love boning girls all over this great land. But really, at the end of the day, I just kind of want to bone one girl. Like, that one special girl.

I just didn't think that girl was you. Because, obviously, there's so much wrong with you.

Will you get back together with me?

I would consider taking you back under one condition.

You have to pinky-pledge that you will be monogamous to me.

You will not have sex with anyone else. Do you understand me?

Dude, she looks like prepackaged meat from the supermarket.

Oh, god, has someone checked on the kids?

Pretty convenient that you're the one who found the body.

You're the darkest bitch of them all.

Those are some serious accusations, and they make no sense.

I would be opening myself up to a lot of trouble if I were to turn you in to the authorities.

It doesn't do any of us any good to start accusing each other with no evidence.

I suggest that we just have someone stand guard and watch me for the rest of the night, or until someone else dies, therefore proving that I am not the killer.

This feels so good.

I tried to scream, but nothing came out!

Interesting. That's all I'm gonna say. Interesting.

There is a trapdoor with, like, a tunnel system.

But wait, there are secret tunnels in this house perfect for a killer to use, and you neglected to tell us?

That's a little suspicious.

We are losing sight of the big picture here.

I'm not going down there. I do not dig on cobwebs, and I'm guessing there are loads of cobwebs down there.

If you get murdered in those tunnels, I promise I will never bang anyone harder than I banged you.

You're so rich and hot.

These are the nicest secret tunnels I've ever seen.

Wow. What amazing legacies they all have. What do you think ours will be?

If we can get through this year without everyone getting killed, I think we'll go down as the greatest of them all.

You came back for me.

Purely selfish.

You are probably the worst cop ever.

Wait, where are we going?

I won't go!

In three seconds, I'm gonna pick you up and carry you out of here.

I just kind of came over here because I farted over there and it smelled bad.

Wait, you're a lesbian?

Basically, I'm in love with love.

The next time I feel love for someone, I'm going to tell them. Right away. Just in case they're murdered before I can.

I just feel like I'm never gonna find a guy who likes me.

I'm a freak.

Nobody actually likes me.

You are totally gonna find another guy.

They're custom-made pink nunchaku.

Thank you for making that announcement that no one cared about.

No slumber party is finished without a kickass dance party.

This is so wonderfully random.

What a great way to pretend all these people we know weren't brutally murdered.

#rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #roleplay meme #roleplay starters #roleplay memes #scream queens

[local80smotel]

All knowing love

pairing; V x Trans Man! Reader

summary; being under V's loving and watchful eye.

requested; Anonymous

rating; T

warnings; transphobia, parental abuse (physical), hints of suicide (but never outright said)

word count; 2185

A/N; this isn't wasn't the fluffiest thing I could write but once talking to my trans boyfriend I couldn't help but feel having a bit of angst was acceptable.

When Y/N was still just a child, he knew something was off about him. Not something "bad" or "wrong" that people would call this feeling when he'd tell them. "It's just a phase" was a comment that was thrown at them mostly by their parents when they were still in their teens, just before high Chancellor Sutler was ever in the eye of politics. Oh, how those days would seem like a humid southern summer walk compared to when Sutler came into the picture. The transphobia he had experienced grew like how weeds grow in futile soil.

The comments like "You're confused" slowly started to warp into something more demeaning to the boy as the Chancellor candidate's toxic grip on the people of England started to squeeze any "unwanted" life out of it. "Undesirable" life as he would call it. When hair was cut after Sutler was elected, there weren't small arguments anymore that would be fixed when he'd be asked if he were hungry and wanted to eat supper with them. It became violent and unlike the people who had raised him for the last 15 years. Having handfuls of freshly cut hair be ripped out because his mother was holding him by his scalp just to yell in his face how much of a monster he was broke his heart.

Was it fear that caused this? Were they scared of losing their only child as many other families had? Was their bundle of joy in their life really an undesirable and the cause of this virus outbreak? Just why? He'd ask himself that as he was packing his bags in preparation to leave the family home for good.

Three long years had passed and at the ripe age of 18, he moved out into the busy streets of London. A small pit in his stomach began to form as the sickening feeling came back. The cause of it was from one simple but yet complex question; could he survive in this fascist regime? Sadness also fueled this emotional fire, sadness from knowing he'd have to use so many things he knew was wrong and didn't describe him truthfully just so he could get a place to come to when curfew hit; The name that was long dead to him the second it was given to him and female pronouns. He'd be signing his own death certificate if he put Y/N instead of his deadname on his application to rent.

They'd look it up and find no Y/N L/N in England and call the police on him in a split second. Shivers ran down his spine as he imagined what would happen to him if that became a reality. No one knew what happened when you were deemed "undesired" but everyone after having Sulter for three years knew that they would go missing and would be never seen of or heard from again. You were just wiped off the face of the Earth.

Y/N lucky had enough money saved from working in retail for the past 2 years to get a small apartment. When he was finally given the keys to the place he couldn't help but sigh in relief. At least in this tiny space, he could be his true self without shaking in fear as he had in his past while being stuck in his parents' home. The next three years were some of the worse when it came to dysphoria. Being forced to go to work almost every day and be called ma'am or miss and be deadnamed constantly damaged his mental health to the point it felt easier just to be open with his identity.

Anything would be better than being forced to hide in this shell of terror. Nights of panic attacks and sobbing that sounded like a wounded animal as he laid on the rotten wooden floor became a routine. On the morning of his 21st birthday, he woke up in the late afternoon. There was no panic in him when he realized he was late for work, how could someone care when this would be their last day on Earth?

With scissors in his hand, he grabbed his hair and began to chop it off sloppily but that didn't matter to him as long as it was finally short like it was when he was a child, and that was enough for him. The thought that when the police would see him, that'd see a man instead of what society had deemed him brought a smile to the young adult. The feeling of freedom pumped through his veins as he went on with his day. It felt odd but refreshing to feel the cold air from his AC on his neck as he fixed himself some bacon and eggs. It wasn't the fanciest thing someone could eat on this day, but it was enough for him.

Around ten AM he left his flat, walking with newfound confidence due to his hair and now his wrapped chest. He had heard from the grapevine that wrapping one's chest in medical bandages could cause serious damage like nerve loss but one this final day he decided to risk it so he could pass in normal daily life. Being called sir by ticket seller at the movies brought him so much joy as he grabbed his "Count of Monte Cristo" tickets and wished them a good day as he went deeper into the movie theater to find theater four to watch the movie. Y/N was somewhat surprised to see only one other person in the audience. Sure, he was 10 minutes late but this was a classic film that was finally being let out of the vault to be watched again! Nevertheless, the man sat down a few rows in front of the figure, settling down into the uncomfortable chair.

“I didn't expect you to come.”

He could tell from how the figure's words were muffled that they were wearing a mask. Y/N turned to them with a confused look on their face.

“Excused me?” Y/N asked but their confusion just deepened as he saw that the figure was wearing.

A Guy Fawkes mask with a matching hat while wearing pitch-black clothing. The man under the mask chuckled as they stood up, Y/N couldn't help but be slightly intimidated by the height of this masked figure.

“I should have done this first so you wouldn't be so perplexed, ” he cleared his throat as began monologing, using many words that start with the letter V in his speech which in turn slightly impressed the 21-year-old.

“But you can simply call me V.”

"V" said while taking a bow

Y/N couldn't help but snicker at this display of some kind of knightship which in turn had V cocked his head in slight confusion on what could be so funny

“Well, Mr. V, might I ask why you're here alone?”

“I could ask you the same thing, but as I am apparently on a tight schedule I won't elaborate”

“Tight sch-” the man interrupted them by placing his leather glove covered finger on top of their lips

“Yes, very much tight schedule as I only have 2 hours till your self made demise am I correct?”

He was blown away at the fact this random stranger knew of his most shameful plan, but the feeling of shock was soon replaced with anger. This creep was stalking me! He thought as he slapped away the masked man, getting up from his chair as he did so.

“You have some right talking to me like that!” he yelled as he started to march away from them.

V reached out and grabbed their hair in a somewhat gentle way

“Y/N wait please, ” he sighed as Y/N stopped who's face was twisted in bitterness “I understand how you feel Y/N, I truly do. I was labeled an undesirable so please don't think that I've been keeping an eye on you in for any other reason than just to keep you safe.”

When he said this Y/N rage seemed to melt away slowly. How was he able to survive being an undesirable? So many questions filled the male's head but the only word he could speak was

“How?”

V let go of his hair as he straightened his posture “If you come with me I'll tell you.”

The more sensible side of the man told him to run away from this masked freak and enjoy what little time you had left in peace but something stopped him. After a moment of silence, he nodded to V's pleasure. He took the 21-year old by the hand and lead them to the back exit. The two walked down the alley and what drew Y/N's eye other than the 6'3 black mass was the posters. Every single one they pasted seemed to have a V cut into them.

He broke the long silence with another question “Did you mark those posters?”

“Does a raven speak?”

“But why?”

V didn't stop walking but he could feel his eyes on him. For being an undesirable he sure seems fine being out after curfew Y/N thought as they waited for the answer.

“The people deserve a symbol. Something to get them through this.”

He opened his mouth to ask what he meant by that but quickly shut it once the meanings of the words came to mind. Maybe he wasn't this creep, more like this country's guardian angel that would save them all from high Chancellor Sutler. It didn't take long for him to reach what Y/N guessed as V's home which turned out to be an abandoned Victoria station. Y/N looked over at him with an eyebrow raised as V opened the hatch that kept the station locked to the public who had originally thought it was abandoned. V turned back to the man and gave him his hand simply saying "follow me, sir Y/N".

Once V was given the curious man's hand he rubbed his thumb over their knuckles before tenderly pulling them inside. He held the hand as they walked in the pitch black, guiding them until they found a giant door which to Y/N's touch felt like it had complex carvings in them. When the masked man opened the door Y/N couldn't help but wince as golden light hit his E/C eyes that had just gotten used to the dark. He had expected V to let go of his hand once they reached his "lair" but he didn't. Oh, what a perplexing and mysterious man he was.

Y/N would be lying if he said his face wasn't blushing at this moment in time. V led them deeper into his beautiful home until both of them to were behind his couch which was black leather. In front of the said couch was a glass coffee table with a box on it. Y/N's hand was finally let go of as V sat on the couch.

“Come sit, I have something to give you.”

“But you said-”

“Please?”

He sighed as he complied, arms folded as he sat next to him. V opened the box and to Y/N's surprise, there was a biner in it. Once again, all he could ask was "How?" as all production and selling of items that could help trans folk was banned just as the Koran was. The masked man took the folded bundle into his giant hands and gave it to them once again shocked male.

“Life has been tough enough on you even if we don't add our government into it. Thank you for holding on. For surviving this long and not letting them take away your love for life and your fighting spirit.”

Without any hesitation, Y/N pulled V into a tight embrace with tears threatening to fall. No one had ever put their life in danger to give them this piece of happiness like this stranger had. All he could do was whimper out a "thank you" as a sob shook his chest deeply.

“Since I showed you my lair, you're going to have to stay till the next November the fifth, is that okay?”

Y/N couldn't help but nod immediately. He could finally be somewhere he was truly accepted for who he really was; a man who was just simply given the wrong body at birth.

V placed his hands on top of the weeping H/C man, stroking the uneven hair and placed his head onto the others.

“I'm cooking ham, is that okay?”

“mmhmm..”

“Thank you, Y/N.”

#v for vendetta x reader #v for vendetta imagine #v for vendetta #anonymous #anon ask #anonymous request #anon request #imagine requests #imagine #imagine request #trans reader #trans!reader #V x reader

[heartshattering]

I wish so badly that I could just. Not have any mental or physical health issues anymore ever again. I hate that it's something I have to work at. I hate that I honestly don't know how much longer I have to deal with certain things and if it will ever get better for me. I hate feeling so many ups and downs, sometimes feeling like I can manage things, other times just trying make it through another hour trying to keep a certain symptom under control or trying to prevent myself from having a panic attack. I hate all of this so much, I just feel like I've had so many setbacks weighing me down lately and I'm always stuck unable to tell if things are getting better or worse for me. Like. I think maybe things are headed towards getting better because after this term I have only three classes left 'til I graduate. I've been writing a little bit more and finding lots of new music to listen to and trying to comfort myself with little things like my plush nightlight and nice smelling body lotion. But I still get horrible thoughts about myself, I still deal with irrational phobias and paranoia episodes, I still feel hopeless a lot, I still get random waves of panic and moments where it really feels like I won't be able to hold myself together anymore. I don't know what I have to do to really get better... I just feel very lost and alone in all this.

#vent #venting

[thistherapylife]

I know your mother had untreated BPD & that for awhile you had trouble interacting with people with BPD as a result & it was something you were afraid you wouldn't be able to work with. I'm curious how you got past that. I'm very open about the fact that I have BPD but have found that a lot of people will assume things about me because of it and I've had a couple friendships fall apart because of friends whose parents had untreated BPD. It's frustrating and hurtful because I'm in treatment (z 1)

& dealing with my issues. I highly value self-improvement. I actually find that it seems like I’m working harder on myself than many of the people who are judging me for my disorder. I really believe that speaking openly about mental health is how we remove stigma in the long-run. But in the short-term, I’m finding that people aren’t giving me the benefit of the doubt & are assuming things about me that just aren’t true. I’m wondering how you got past that, so I could get some insight? Thanks!

Oh boy. First, I think it’s very admirable that you are seeking help. It’s hard! And a that’s a lot. 

Chances are you are not going to like my answer. Because you are asking about the personal, I’m asking in the personal. Not in the professional world. Clinically, I was afraid I’d have too much counter transference and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to  separate my personal experience from my professional self. My answer might be hard to read. It contains explicit descriptions of child abuse and suicidal ideation. Again this is the time to get off the ride if you you are in a place where negative experiences with someone with untreated BPD or child abuse. Chances are I’m going to get a lot of hate mail (note: I’ll just delete it) but I hope that this random response is helpful. It makes me nervous to share all of this. It’s not easy for me but I’m trying.

It wasn’t a while. It was decades. Literally, I’ve made this shift in last 3-4 years. It’s new. If someone in my social circle disclosed they had BPD before we come friends, I don’t know if I would stick around which is the exact issue you are dealing with. I would have to overcome a lot of my own responses and it’s a fuck ton of work for me. 

Would my mom have been abusive if she hadn’t had BPD? I can’t answer that. I don’t know. But I know the two are entwined for her. The abusive elements of my childhood that have stuck with me the longest are all around the more typical symptoms of  BPD (fear of abandonment, feelings of emptiness, extreme emotional swings, explosive anger, paranoia, suicidality). I can’t express how bad it was. I can’t express how hard it is was. I couldn’t have emotions or desires. I can’t get comfort or have needs. {Proofreading this made me realize I slipped tenses. I’m leaving it in. It’s hard to talk about it} I wished for death early and often because my life was so painful and frightening. I felt like my mom was going to die and that it was my fault. Why wouldn’t I believe my mom right?  Her attitude and her interactions with me meant that other abuse wasn’t uncovered for years because who could I tell? It was chaotic and terrifying. I’d take her when she was hit me any day over years of psychological abuse. She’s threaten suicide. She left me places as punishment. She drove away when I “didn’t listen.” She told me my chronic pain didn’t exist.

Literally, I remember having a panic attack when I was in elementary school because I couldn’t stop myself from crying on the way home from school because there was no way for me to know what would happen. Would my mom blame me? Try and kill herself? Comfort me only to use the information later against? I got blamed for freezing her out and told that I could “Make your own damn food. I should make you walk home. You don’t know how lucky you have it. You know what? DON’T EVER COME TO ME FOR ANYTHING EVER AGAIN. I can’t believe I have such an ungrateful daughter. What did I ever do to deserve this awful child? You’d be happy if I killed myself. I don’t want to hear your response - I know how you feel. Leave me alone. Go live with your father”  By the morning, she greeted me like nothing had happened. I was no more than 10.

This is the smallest snippet of the first 14 years of my life. When I am in a social setting and start experiencing any of these things, my instinct is to run for the hills because I got out. I’m not getting back in. It takes a lot to swallow those protective instincts and make a different choice in my personal life especially when I’ve worked so hard for those boundaries and have to do a lot of this stuff professionally. I’ve had a ton of therapy. I feel like I’m a pretty good person who had long lasting, nurturing and loving relationships in a lot of different areas. But getting here was so much fucking work thanks to my history. I spent the first year of my relationship terrified to tell my partner when I was really upset with them. It’s still hard. 

Off the top of my head, I have three friends with BPD, one I’ve known since I was 12, one I met two years ago and an online friend part of larger friend circle. I’m pretty close to the first (invites to the house, lunches, etc.) and the second is in between acquaintance and friend. Friend 1 is in recovery, Friend 2 is working on it (ish) and Friend 3 is at the earliest treatment stages. I still have very strong boundaries. I have to limit myself with anyone in my social circle who needs constant emotional or physical needs (obviously I’m not talking about recovering from a loss or a surgery or even a bad year for friends who have I been friends with for a long) because I can’t just give and give - Its work to maintain the close and loving friendships, the mentoring with young people I do, the other kids in my life, my partner AND still take care of myself. And I love my job you know? I have to have space for that and I don’t when I’m getting 3 am phone calls and texts. I don’t hate or judge the folks in those positions. I just can’t handle it in my personal life often. That is 100% on me NOT on them. None of the people mentioned above are abusive towards me. But sometimes I find myself very triggered and have to give myself space. I get that impulse that says that “this is dangerous and someone is trying to use you.” 

This is NOT to say that you, or anyone else, with BPD in treatment, don’t deserve lasting friendships. You do. You absolutely deserve supportive friends. And I bet your work your ever-loving bum off to make changes to your life. I bet you will find them. It just might not be with particular subset of people who have an untreated BPD parent. I can’t speak to anyone else’s experience of an untreated BPD mom - just me. But I can hypothesize that fear and history are a huge part of it. These prospective friends might not be in a place to hear that you are in a different place than their experience. They may be assuming that their historical experience is what will happen now and be afraid. It takes me a while to figure out and I’ve done a fuck ton of work. Everyone gets to make the choices that keep themselves safe. 

Please be gentle with yourself. Keep working, keep trying - you might want to explore some of the issues around the friendships and how to navigate that with your current therapist. 

[tamiddyinyourcity]

2:01pm.

Not feeling very cash money at this moment, but I'll get in the swing of things later today. :)

Tuesday, April 28th of 2020.

Let's seeee....

Got complimented by three very awesome women lately on the videos and content I've been making lately. Yessssss! I love it so mucccccchhhh!

That literally had me waking up with a smile, honestly.

Got mildly annoyed reading up on hypergamous stuff. I love it, I just hate that I never knew it sooner. Or, that I did, before I foolishly decide to care about men when I was 16 or so, aaaaaaand that lead to many problems.

But my experiences have their ups and downs. The first guy was okay until he was a salt at the end, second guy did some gross coercion AND turned into a salt, the third guy... I think that mildly obese white guy was okay, just extremely passive aggressive about me wearing a pretty tame blazer to a restaurant.... (Sorry I didn't opt for a jean jacket and a mini skirt, to a high class restaurant, idiot?) Then the Dr Rex guy, who I guess I could've kept the interest of a little longer, if I kept him in the "She's not even pretending to like our date! I must impress her at all costs now and obsess over her!", stage, buuuut a girl needed extra money, so, I got extra money. Thats that. And then that one prick tech guy who decided to stand me up completely out of the blue aaaaand I wasted time getting all dolled up, moisturized, and shaved juuust to spend what little cash I had on the uber and train to the area.... I legitimately had a panic attack, plus a few dudes kept staring at me, since yknow, young lady in a black satin trench coat and heels looking stressed out against a wall for like 30 minutes, or borderline crying in a Carl's Jr, is a little eyecatching, so I feel you bro. Aaaaaand of course then there was that weird flaccid guy that pretty much put on a random and tried to dryhump my vulva/clit with his limp weenie..... (Which then was an attempted rape, but I kicked him in the chest, got home, aaaand posted about it onto a forum and on here so other women would be aware.) Then after a long break from the bowl, I got another guy who seemed nearly perfect.... until he ALSO attempted sexual assault, and I left immediately. Theeeen that date with some famous philosopher and writer, who basically spent the entire date loudly talking about how none of his wives wanted to bang him since his dick was too huge, (lmfao,) and all the escorts and threesomes hes done for hismself.... He's a fucking weirdo and we never ended up having an arrangement. Which was a shame, since he wanted a high amount with me and liked my inability to see much taboo. And that other guy who was a millionaire or something, but refused to actually give me an allowance... Food and a movie with 140 bucks just to hold your hand is cool, but asking for kissing and heavy petting while not having the spine to actually give a full allowance estimate? Fuck that shit, man.

So overall, gonna raise my standards impossibly high and never lower them. I want dates in lovely and elegant settings, polite and attractive men, and not having a hassle from whoever I be with whatever, period.

And probably gonna see if abstaining from sex is possible. It should be, since men are fucking disappointments no matter if romantic, strictly sexual, and even as friends can kind of piss me off.

The Adam and Eve shit I bought is.... Well, let's just say that internal bleeding isn't fun for me. And fake dicks do not feel as good as real ones. At least they're not attached to men who will be stuck in my thoughts for months. So, there's that. And no STDs. No risk.... and yet no fun.

Really hard to sit in a room by myself and be horny, but then have all arousal go away at the idea of using a non-realistic sex toy inside of my hoohaa. Penetrative sex doesn't do it for me, never liked it unless it was either a rare moment where a man had good fingers, or simply, a real ass dick.

Plus, I challenged myself to grow my nails out in quarantine, to look more feminine..... Its impossible to... yknow.... feels like Freddy Krueger giving me a handjob or something. Ouch, dude. Why oh why, why why why why why why why

No wonder I'm so stressed lately. No sleep, no fap + no fun, make mia go crazy

When's the part where I break out of my house during quarantine with an axe?

Anyway.

I feel incredibly close to having my shit together.... So close.... yet still not fully there yet.

Mainly just due to being in my bedroom and not knowing when it will finally be complete, and when I can wake up, play the guitar, sing a song, or set up my YT studio.... versus, when I'll be having just another day of a cluttered floor and drawers upon drswers of things I dont wanna touch, paralyzing me in bed with stress, for days on end.

Sigh.

Oh well. Still doing pretty awesome. Glad to be alive and existing on the planet today. The sun is out here shining and its bluer than a..... (insert blue object here) in the sky today. It makes me happy, knowing that maybe someday I'll be able to go back outside again.

2:37pm.

I need to take a little better care of myself......... hygiene wise, sleep wise, and some healthy food....

But cleaning nonstop and purging my bedroom all the time gets to me, so I'll take it easy on myself. Things happen, I just should give myself the luxury and privilege to unwind, since I truly do deserve it after all the impressive work I've done in the past few weeks. And even days. :)

I'm living in one of the best possible timelines, right now. :)

Its so cool.

Peace out yalls.