#To live camming with me like i... Youre an introvert and generally quiet and rather withdrawn so i cant see this not being a big deal for u)

[mrfoox]

Okay but if I am wrong about this, I'll feel so embarrassed and stupid... But like... Mmmm

#I havebt wanted to be wrong this much before? #Fabian really is. ... Hes acting weird and im like... Am i imaging it? Please say yes #I want to be acting like myself and givw compliments and such and not care how it's possibly seen but im like... #If he is into me would this just encourage him? Would that be leading him on? Please i hate this #Im the one thats supposed to be crushing on friends ... Its illegal to be crushing on me #Miranda talking shit #He keeps having his cam on with me and i asked him if.... Hes comfortable with using cam and he said he basically wasnt.... #So im like... (why are you using it with me? Why ? Youve been faceless for the three years we have known each other and now you go from that #To live camming with me like i... Youre an introvert and generally quiet and rather withdrawn so i cant see this not being a big deal for u) #I have such conflicted feelings about this i am screaming! #I hate that i kinda like the attention ): ive never had anyone act silly and such around me. . Im usually that person #And hes obviously a cute guy and i like him a lot.... My better judgment is the one holding me back here #Because i know i am... A handful at best. And i know he wants to have a family/kids. #Plus i cant help but think he might just be 'into me' because im the one girl that is giving him positive attention #I just wonder...what changed? Like where was the line? I think ive always been kinda... Giving compliments and showing interest and such #Since day 1.... I cant read this man and its driving me insane #I struggle to read most people but hes literally an entity of all the things i struggle with put together #Quiet. Poker faced. Monotone voice. So im constantly feeling im making him uncomfortable ... Like dude im sorry im asking weird shit #But like i cannot read.... Your feelings... What are you feeling ? Whats up? #miranda talking shit #Its 4 am i need to sleep im scremaing

[mythicalcanary-literature]

What Confidence Is To Me

It’s quite hard to approach the topic of confidence when the person discussing it is shy. Confidence is not something that comes naturally to me personally, but it does have its moments where it really shines. Streaming on Twitch is one way that helps me personally because at least I’m interacting with others and I’ve made this channel my own.

Social confidence is another matter, I suppose. Being outgoing is one thing, but I am the complete opposite. Although the outgoing personality is natural to most people, it can be very draining for introverts. Is there a way to bridge that gap? I’m not entirely sure.

Being confident possibly can relate to determination, a desire to succeed and to power through the failures and obstacles life puts in front of us. It’s very hard to grasp that strength when self-doubt and all the worries in the world hold you back. You can find yourself at the final hurdle, almost there, then flake away and lose sight of the goal. Is it worth it? Is it worth the struggle to get there? Or should you just take that leap of faith?

This is not an advisory piece of writing from the author. No, this is musing, wondering, exploring the topic of confidence because it’s a tough nut to crack. What would I define as being confident? Maybe an element of bravery? I don’t know.

I could probably list an entire book of doubts and worries that would affect confidence. All the negative factors that make decisions and proactivity much harder to seize. All of the what ifs and buts, all of the outside influences and unfair balances of the world can be a bit too much at times. There’s that personal bubble that becomes the centre of your world and you don’t really want to leave it.

Would it be brave to escape that bubble for a moment? To leave that comfort zone and do something different? How can that boundary be expanded to offer more breathing space to do more in life?

It’s easiest to focus on one day at a time, even a few hours at most, rather than projecting outlandish thoughts for miles in the future when there is no real certainty. How much do we reign in, and how much do we dream far off into the future? It’s daunting.

I guess that some confidence can be gained from little victories, no matter how small or silly. A teeny tiny, almost insignificant daily thing could be the one accomplishment that gets you through to the next day. If more is done then that’s a bonus. If not, then move on.

There’s the confidence gained from a certain level of independence. Learning from mistakes even if there are regrets that nag at you. How can a negative be turned into a positive? Even my livestreaming is a positive result of something that wasn’t an ideal situation. That little light that opened up a new window of opportunity, an unexplored territory that helped me to reach out regain some strength. In a time of darkness, there was a new avenue to brave. I could have ignored the call to adventure, I could have backed out and been miserable, but I took the risk and haven’t looked back. It’s not ideal, but it’s not something I regret doing because it’s become a very important part of my life.

Confidence is a topic I struggle to decipher. I can’t exactly define it because everyone sees the act of being ‘confident’ differently. I probably won’t even come to a solid conclusion during this livestream.

Although I’m generally introverted to the point where I don’t have many friends down the road, so to speak, my friends online are an absolute rock. I know that they all have their own personal struggles as well, but it’s nice to be able to freely bounce off one another and gain that self-worth back. To share common interests and to keep the worries at bay.

It’s taken years to gain a certain amount of confidence personally and it’s not been an easy task. There are times where I’ll feel brave enough to step up and say something, to defend my personal opinions and stand up to help a friend, but then more often than not that confidence can fail and I’ll sit back in the shadows to avoid it. Sometimes having the confidence to speak out or seek additional help is easy, but when that fire burns down that’s when it’s harder to decide how to tackle the problem. Of course some things are best left alone, but to know there’s an extra reserve of willpower to continue would be reassuring.

When it comes to livestreaming there are always little worries here and there. I always stream what I feel like, and hope that those watching will enjoy it too, even if it’s a terrible game, but there are other factors that linger in the back of my mind as a streamer. How do I engage more with my viewers when I don’t use a camera or microphone? How do I know if people are enjoying the content if I’m the only person in chat? Not that any of these things are an issue, it’s simple little nagging things that I personally come across when streaming. I could be streaming a rerun and I’ll be worried that people don’t care much for it, or I could be streaming live and it might be something that people might enjoy but there isn’t the viewership. How can I thrive when I’m not sure when I’m doing something right? Then again, this does stem from being an introvert. Engaging with others is difficult on a normal day, but I do try to do my best and be passionate about my content regardless. This, livestreaming, CREATING, is special to me and despite all of these little worries I know that this is what I want to do and will continue to do. So there’s the self-doubt, followed by the ‘fuck it, I’ll do this anyway because I like it, and if people enjoy it no matter if it’s quiet as the grave, that’s awesome too because I’m usually a lurker in other streams as well’.

I am not a confident person, I know this and I’m working on it, but it will take time. And a certain amount of direction towards a newfound confidence would be amazing too. Just don’t expect mic or cam on my streams! :P Not for a long while at least. If ever. (Told you I was shy!)

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This was written live on Twitch.tv on the 22nd May 2019.

Watch the video here: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/428297278

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