#Tobin is my dad by the way if you're wondering | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

necroromantics · 2 months

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🔥 — TOBIN LAWSEN.

tw; dark themes (abuse, revenge, drugs) // long ramble type post

I. FATHER

"I have this dream that I am hitting my dad with a baseball bat and he is screaming and crying for help."

- dan lawsen was a bitter, mean old man. if he wasn't drunk, he was high. if he wasn't high, then he must have died.

- the man was nothing but shattered glass, booze, and rage that never settled.

- his son, tobin, was a bit too much like him. he was just as angry, just as violent. they never got along.

- the boy grew up in a warzone of a house. a dirty, tiny, broken down mobile home. a crime-ridden trailer park in rural north dakota.

- from an early age, he learned that it was every man for himself. his mother had a long list of mental illnesses, and his father hit hard. tobin spent a lot of time looking after his little sister.

- and from an early age, he learned that it was dog eat dog. it was kill or be killed. it was him against the world. him against his father. against god.

- tobin was the type to run his mouth. his father was the type to drag him out back and beat him for it.

- the boy spent so much of his life being treated like he was powerless, or a problem. and he was angry at the world for turning its back on him.

- in his early teenage years, it had gotten to the point where tobin would wonder if his father would go too far some day and end up killing him.

- and he started keeping a knife by his bed, or in his backpack.

- dan raised the boy in all the worst ways. 'drink, hit your wife, hit your son, drink some more. this is how you aim a shotgun. this is how you be a man.'

- his father would sometimes take him hunting, and tobin was something of a weapons fanatic. he could take a gun apart, and almost put it back together.

- when he'd lay in bed, sore after another fight with the older man, tobin would fall asleep imagining what it'd be like to stand over his father with one of those guns in his hands.

- he imagined that he would look his father in the eyes when he pulled the trigger.

II. PUMPED UP KICKS

"He's got a rolled cigarette hanging out his mouth, he's a cowboy kid."

- tobin was in and out of school all of his life. his parents never bothered to stay on track of his attendance. for most of his youth, he was left to his own devices.

- when he did go to school, it was as if every person he talked to had come to the same conclusion that the boy was fundamentally different from them

- a mangy mutt, a dirty dog. something diseased, or bad. an inconvenience, a problem child.

- he wore secondhand, unwashed clothes. his hair was a mess, he smelt like smoke and rot.

- this followed him into high school, and as he grew up, so did his behavioural issues.

- tobin would find himself as the butt of a joke, or being talked about behind his back, or ostracized. he would always fight back.

- he was quiet, but mouthy. aggressive. he bit, and he bit hard.

- everything was an attack to him. he was constantly on guard, constantly looking for an excuse to make an example out of somebody.

- that boy made sure that nobody fucked with him again.

- after spending a long day of being mistreated at school, only to go home and have it done to him again by his own father, he would lay down in his creaky old bed and stare up at his water damaged ceiling.

- and he would wonder if they'd still laugh at him with a barrel of a gun down their throats.

- and he would wonder if he'd ever get the balls to make it happen.

III. TEENAGERS

"You're never gonna fit in much, kid."

- tobin was a problem child, to say the least. a junkie prick, a street rat.

- everybody who knew him called him insensitive, and for good reason. he seemed to have lacked the type of empathy everybody around him had. or, as he saw it, pretended to have.

- he never cared enough to fake it. his philosophy was that there was no use trying to please a world that constantly rejected him. it was easier to be an asshole if everybody saw him as one anyways.

- the boy was alone his whole life. nobody could tolerate him. nobody wanted him around for very long, and he never wanted to stay.

- it was clear that tobin never fit in anywhere

- he was always in his own world. he did things his own way, fought his own fight.

- always had something to prove. tobin had to get the last word, had to fight bloody, had to put people under him. always fighting something.

IV. TWIN SIZED MATTRESS

"It's no big surprise you turned out this way when they closed their eyes and prayed you would change."

- he never wanted to be saved. he never wanted to be soft, or kind, or easy to swallow.

- he was uncaring, angry, hostile. that boy couldn’t be kind if he wanted to, it wasn’t written for him that way.

- everybody around him wanted him to change, he played the ‘troubled teen’ role so well, they had hope for him. they thought that maybe if they tried, if they ignored the bloody knuckles and canine teeth, then he would be better.

- but the boy had a lot of issues with authority, and being told what to do. he hated rules, a troublemaker from birth. tobin fought against change like it was his right to do so

- they wanted to love him, they did, but that boy was not built to be loved.

- at the end, he became what everybody expected him to become. a junkie, a criminal, a good-for-nothing.

- nobody was really surprised when they heard the news of what he had done. dan got what was coming to him, and tobin being the one to do it was written from the start.

- maybe he was cursed, maybe it was all the stupid things he did and said.

- maybe, it was all of the consequences catching up to him.

V. PRETTY FLY FOR A WHITE GUY

"Our subject isn't cool, but he fakes it anyway."

- from his years of not really having any friends, and being socially isolated, tobin was the definition of a socially inept loser.

- but he wouldn’t tell you that. no, he was the master of lying to himself, or maybe he just didn’t care.

- tobin was in and out of school, constantly dropping out for months just to come back. he was always bad at math and sciences, he hated all the rules. and with all of his time out of education, he didn’t know a lot. he barely knew how to read.

- tobin wasn’t braindead though, he knew he wasn’t like the people around him. but he had a knack for acting like he was. he spent a lot of time making mental notes on how people socialized, on how people interacted, on what they deemed acceptable.

- he wanted friends, he wanted to keep himself busy. tobin wanted to prove that he could make anybody like him, that he could get whatever he wanted. to him, that was power and control. that was being smart.

- outside of the violence though, tobin was a goofy kid. he liked to joke around, he was different from the other kids, but he played into it for the fun of it. almost everything he did was to entertain himself, to make himself laugh, maybe others.

- his sense of humor was mostly insulting others, or teasing, or making weird comments. he liked to banter, liked to piss people off. he never cared to be liked anyways.

- tobin talked a lot, moody, but typically full of energy. he struggled to show much emotion, but he smiled wide, and always had a joke to make.

- awkward, but a social butterfly. he never tried to please anybody, and said what he wanted, but he was funny, and he was bold, and people liked that.

- but it was his nature to crash and burn. so he hopped from friend group to friend group, leaving the last one nothing but ash, torching every bridge he had ever built. to him, everyone was replaceable.

- because behind all the jokes, and the confidence, and the entertainment, tobin wasn’t a good person.

- everything was a performance act for him.

- he couldn’t connect with people even if he tried. behind the acts, the boy was off-putting, weird. vulgar and offensive. a dumb mutt.

VI. AVOCADO

"I'm the fucking king of everything."

- tobin was an egotistical prick.

- he didn't necessarily think he was better than everyone, but he was the king of his own world, he followed his own rules, he never considered anybody but himself.

- confident, not because he thought the best of himself, but because he knew in his world, he could do whatever he wanted.

- if he wanted to have something, he’d steal it. if he wanted to say something, he’d say it. and knowing that he was capable of that, of having that freedom; he was definitely an egotistical prick.

- tobin always assumed he was above consequences, and would put blame onto anything but himself. when faced with what he had done, he would preach a gospel of excuses, or just completely brush it off.

- the boy thought that if he stayed on the move, then nothing would catch up to him.

- he never apologized. he hated saying sorry for things he wasn’t really sorry for. he hated putting himself below people for the sake of civility. the one thing nobody would catch tobin doing, is pleasing people only to cater to whats expected of him.

- tobin never felt bad for the things he did, because he could justify anything, to others, and to himself.

- he did what it took to get by, little to no moral code. morality was just another expectation to him, another rule used to control him, another norm to reject.

- prideful to a fault

VII. PINEAPPLE BOY

"I know it's bad for me, I don't want to here it."//"Told myself I'd find a limit, honest to God I'd be done with my sinning".

- that boy had a problem of destroying everything he touched. bloody knuckles, bad choices.

- tobin wasn’t built for guilt, remorse, or shame. he didn’t have any of it.

- making the same mistakes over and over again. he never learned.

- but honestly, tobin was just bored all the time. horribly bored. and he thought, that maybe, setting everything on fire was better than the cold, gaping void in his chest.

- he lived life on his own terms, reckless and wild, brushing consequences off like dirt on his shoulder.

- on the other hand, though, he was ambitious. to a fault, like everything else about him.

- tobin always needed more, he was never truly satisfied. always unimpressed.

- he didn’t need anybody to help him. he didn’t need to rely on anybody. he was going to prove to everybody who said he’d never do anything great that they were wrong, and he was going to do it all on his own.

- the boy pushed his own limits until he was kissing the pavement. busted lip, aggravated.

- he pushed himself like he pushed everyone else around him. until they snapped, until they wanted nothing more to do with him. until he was left with nothing but a shovel in his hand, and dirt on his sneakers from digging his own grave.

VIII. DEAD IN 2008

"I'm a kid with a mission so I'm getting fucked up."

- he knew he did it to himself, at the end of the day.

- but he didn’t want to think about any of that, so he’d do another line, pop another shitty pressed pill.

- he spent a lot of time replacing bike chains, getting into fights, and running from the cops.

- always smoking cigarettes or rolling joints. he liked having something to do with his hands.

- tobin was a junkie kid, he had a few bad habits to say the least.

- in his hometown, he was known as a reckless troublemaker. drinking until he blacked out, snorting coke until his nose bled. always stoned or wasted, jumping fences.

- street fights and broken noses.

- it was something he was raised into. it was all he knew.

- he didn’t know how to control his anger, but he knew that weed helped him calm down. he didn’t know how to get things done, but he knew that doing lines of ritalin helped him focus. tobin was never good at math, but he was good at selling, and good at counting wads of cash.

- he couldn’t tell you about pythagorean theorem, but he could eye a baggie of white powder and tell you how much blow it was before putting it on a scale. he didn’t know anything about physics, but he could take apart a semi-automatic pistol and tell you how to put it back together.

- tobin was a dumb kid, but he knew more about parts of the world that no other boy his age knew about.

- and maybe thats what did it, he thought. maybe knowing more about how it feels to overdose than how it feels to get along with his father, is what did it.

cr; banner of tobin drawn by @clockeyedtoy

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