I know we got our Enchanted Tiki mug but please tell me that he enchanted a silly skull mug. I just want to believe he has a collection of enchanted mugs after Tiki.
Well, I’m not sure how silly she is, but…
1300 words of silliness obscured by a magical spell. Click below and the story shall materialize before your very eyes. Oooooo! Magic! (whispered theatrically) Special guest appearance by @theredquilt.
Link was deep inside the catacombs under the castle searching for a crate of astrolabes he knew was around here somewhere when he heard a noise. A voice?
He wasn’t especially alarmed by this. The catacombs snaked their way through the countryside for miles, and there had been a time or two when a child from the neighboring village had wondered in looking for adventure and got a bit more than they bargained for. Plus, there were portions of the tunnels that were built entirely in other universes. For tax purposes and for quick access to their favorite restaurants. So, it really could be anything.
He proceeded cautiously holding his torch in front of him, following the faint sound. He thought he had diffused the last of Rhett’s booby traps years ago, but one never could be too careful. He thought he was getting closer and started to be able to make out words. It sounded like the rough voice of an old woman.
“…world turned to ash and ruin. Blood and Fire! Fire and Pain! Pain and Suffering Eternal!!”
Link took two forks to the left and another to the right before nearly tripping over a crate with a big picture of an astrolabe on top.
“There you are!” he exclaimed, stooping down to retrieve it. As soon as he picked it up, a voice rang out from inside. “Blood and Fire!! Blood and Fire!!”
“ACK!” Link yelped, dropping the box.
“Careful, you dundering fool. I’m fragile!” came a reproachful voice from inside the crate.
“M-my apologies,” Link stammered politely. He crept forward, carefully removed the lid of the crate, and peered timidly inside.
Inside was a pile of astrolabes, as he expected, and placed on top in a black velvet-lined box, was a tall silver chalice. The bowl of the chalice was incased in what appeared to be an actual human skull with the top cut off. The skull was intricately carved in a myriad of runes and symbols. Some of which Link recognized, many of which he did not. The dark eye sockets, the teeth, and the top edge of the skull were lined with silver. It was very beautiful, well if you are into that sort of thing. Kind of macabre really. Not something that just goes with any décor.
“Hello?” he said into the box.
“The world will burn to ash, if the vine is not properly tended,” the chalice warned. It didn’t move at all. That at least was a relief. The voice issued, quite loudly, from the inside. “For there is no heart more capable of great evil, than one that has lost great love.”
“Well, that sounds quite serious,” Link said calmly. A prophesying skull chalice. That is something you don’t see every day, Link considered. Even around here. Now that he saw that the source of the voice was inanimate, and didn’t seem intent on harming him, he relaxed a bit.
“There will be blood!” the chalice insisted. “Blood and Fire! Fire and Pain!!”
“Yep. Got that. Let’s get you upstairs, and you can tell us all about it,” he said kindly, picking up the crate. “I’m Link, by the way.”
“I am Bav Neva,” the chalice answered with remarkable gravitas. “Oracle of the Sacred Grove of Improbability. Sorceress. Prophetess. Seer of Ultimate Mystery. I have been sent here by the Guardians of all Antiquity. Guided by arcane and powerful magics to the one wizard that may be able to avert the calamity. That’s you then, is it?”
“’Fraid not. I’m no wizard,” Link assured her. “But you’ve definitely come to the right place. Rhett is a great and powerful wizard-"
“Rhett?!? Oh, not Wizard Rhett? Insanely tall drunken oaf, Rhett? Big bushy beard? Narcissistic personality disorder?” the chalice enquired chagrined.
“Well, I’d hardly call him narcissistic,” Link said defensively. “Self-assured, perhaps.”
“Oh bollocks!” Bav Neva huffed. “We’re doomed.”
Link left the crate of astrolabes in the library and carried Bav Neva to their bedroom where Rhett was curled up taking a nap beneath his favorite blanket, the red quilt.
“Rhett,” Link called gently from the doorway. “There’s an old friend here to see you.”
Rhett stretched and yawned dramatically. Link thought he looked beautiful, all warm and snuggly. If there weren’t the end of the world, or something to contend with, he would like nothing better than to dive beneath that blanket and have a nice long cuddle. And then maybe…
“When time itself has been stolen, the thief must pay with interest! If not, there will be Blood and Fire!!” the chalice shouted.
“Bav Neva?” Rhett said incredulously. “Is that you? I’d know that harpy-like screech of yours anywhere.”
Bav Neva sighed. “Yes, you buffoonish excuse for a two-bit carnival magician. It’s me.”
“Well, it’s been centuries!” Rhett said affably, taking no offense. “Last time I saw you, you were in Istanbul, or Constantinople I suppose, and quite alive if my memory serves me correctly. You look… like you’ve lost weight?”
“I should have dismembered you centuries ago and given your disgraceful guts over to the beasts of the Earth,” Bav Neva said testily.
“Well, bad luck, eh?” Rhett said with amusement. “Link my love, be a dear and put her in with Tiki. We’ll sort it all out presently.”
“But Rhett,” Link objected. “It sounds like there are worlds hanging in the balance. Could be important.”
“Heed me, you swine! I am the Oracle of the Sacred Grove of Improbability. Slayer of Mrizagul, the Unending Serpent. Prophetess of-"
“Listen Bavs,” Rhett said condescendingly. “You can’t just barge in on a man when he is having snuggle time with his blankie spouting doom and gloom about the end of the world or whatnot and expect him to just jump when you snap your fingers, or lack thereof.”
“Blood and Fire!” she shouted. “Blood and Fire!!”
“Put her on the bar,” Rhett instructed, waiving his hand dismissively. “And you better bring me back some kisses,” he added, managing to strike a balance of seductive and pouty that he knew Link found adorable. He rolled around playfully on the bed, gathering the red quilt in his arms and squeezing it invitingly, rubbing his face on it and looking at Link like he would like to do a good deal more to him.
Link gave him a sultry wink and turned for the door, making sure to give his hips some extra sway as he walked out of the room and across the hall to the study.
“Friend for you, Tiki,” Link said happily as he walked into Rhett’s study and over to the Tiki bar.
“Well, hello Gorgeous!” Tiki said in flirty welcome. “What’s a classy, elegant lady such as yourself doing in a tourist trap like this?”
“Link,” Bav Neva pleaded, ignoring the amorous mug, “You must get him to listen to me. Lives are at stake. Entire civilizations could be lost.”
“We’ll be with you shortly,” Link said soothingly. “I promise. No more than 30 minutes or so.”
“Tell Tiki to sing some Puccini!” Rhett bellowed from across the hall.
“Maybe more like an hour,” Link amended. “You got that Tiki?”
“Sure thing boss,” Tiki said happily. “Yahtzee later?”
“Sounds fun!” Link agreed. “Unless the world is ending like super-imminently.
“We’ll call it a maybe,” Tiki allowed. Link gave him a double thumbs up and skipped out of the room.
“He lets me roll the dice,” Tiki explained to Bav Neva. “Makes me feel important. So, end of the world, huh? That sounds… well, bad.”
“The Earth shall cleave itself in twain and all the fruit shall turn to poison. There will be Horror Unimaginable!”
“Tiki!” Rhett yelled. “Do your job!”
“Sorry, doll. Tell me later, yeah?” Tiki offered apologetically. He took a deep breath (very deep for someone without lungs) and belted out his best Pavarotti impression.
Nessun dorma, nessun dorma
Tu pure, o, Principessa
Nella tua fredda stanza
Guardi le stelle che tremano
D'amore e di Speranza
The Shakespearean cats would be showing up soon. Hope this whole end-of-everything thing isn’t too dire. They’re going to be a while.
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