#UGHJFKDOGMFKFKFK everyday i’m so shy and awkward and homesick and too tired to function normally and nothing helps

[readyforit]

JESUS CHRIST IM SO BLUE ALL THE TIME AND THATS JUST HOW I FEEL ALWAYS HAVE AND I ALWAYS WILL!!!!!!!!

#feel free not to read this it’s me venting about life! how fun #IM SO SICK OF MYSELFFFFF #UGHJFKDOGMFKFKFK everyday i’m so shy and awkward and homesick and too tired to function normally and nothing helps #my mind is so all over the place i wish i could just breathe #everyday is like a struggle to get through and then i feel guilty cause i should be grateful and I AM #it’s just that #everything’s great except for my brain! i can’t focus and i’m always anxious and sad and tired #and it’s been this way for so long that i can’t imagine living life differently but it’s like there’s this weight on my back #and one day it’s gonna crush over me #every single day for the last few years has felt like i’ve been drowning #with a crowd of people standing around me telling me to just get up #i don’t know what to do with myself i jsut keep sinking and sinking and sinking #i don’t even know what’s wrong! everything seems fine but my head is like a swinging pendulum and my world is always some shade of blue and #everything feels wrong no matter what i do it’s like i’ve been screaming for so long i can’t hear myself anymore #i don’t know who i am i don’t know what i want in life i don’t really have any dreams or drive or ambitions i feel like such a waste #i don’t know what i’m living for when nothing makes me happy i always feel sick sick sick #i’m so unproductive like i can’t get myself to focus in class or talk to people most of the time and it takes forever to get out of bed #i can’t get close to people and i pull away and i constantly change because i can’t stand myself and think everyone is just being nice #but secretly can’t stand me either #i feel like i’ve always had anxiety related issues that i repressed all through childhood and it just got worse and worse #and then the pandemic hit and i reached a new low and that just made things way worse #and somehow everything has changed since then but i mentally still feel as low #i can’t be myself i feel like i’m not worthy of anything like i hate labels because i don’t feel ‘good’ enough for them #or to be part of some community #i feel guilty with everything i do like even typing this post i feel guilty for making my issues public and making people read them #and i feel guilty acting like they’re even that big of an issue when i’m so lucky to be living the life i’m living #i feel like i’m being so dramatic 💀 and that’s why i never like venting out loud but this was actually kind of therapeutic #maybe i am being dramatic and that’s why i need a new brain! #at least writing helps #abigail speaks*