While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...
3 Ninjas Kick Back is the Home Alone 2 to 3 Ninjas. It’s an inferior sequel - which is saying something considering how insufferable the first was - that does little more than regurgitate what was “successful” about the first, but in a different country. There isn’t an ounce of inspiration in its dreadful 93-minute running time.
Years ago, Grandpa (Victor Wong) defeated Koga (Sab Shimono) in a martial arts tournament. Ever since, the boy-turned-Japanese-crimelord has wanted the tournament’s prize - a dagger that doubles as a key to a cave full of riches - back. When their grandfather is hospitalized while in Japan, the three ninjas - Rocky (Sean Fox), Colt (Max Elliott Slade) and Tum-Tum (J. Evan Bonifant) accidentally play into Koga’s hands by visiting their sensei and bringing the dagger along with them.
The one good thing I will say about 3 Ninjas Kick Back is that it doesn’t waste any time pretending to be a good movie. One of the first scenes is a baseball game (a game with no age restrictions apparently) in which all sorts of dirty tricks are employed to win, including eating large amounts of beans and farting to knock out players. For a brief moment, I found myself in an out-of-body experience, forced to examine the circumstances that brought me to this moment. Sanity vanished. Only madness remained and I laughed hysterically. Not at the movie; at myself. Soon after, I was pulled back into my body and forced to confront this horrible excuse for children’s entertainment.
As before, the stunts and fights are unconvincing and badly choreographed. I know martial arts are supposed to empower you, but not to this extent. Colt, Rocky, Tum-Tum and their Japanese friend Miyo (Caroline Junko King) single-handedly defeat Koga’s minions like they’re made of wet paper. They don’t merely beat them, they humiliate them by pantsing the shadow warriors, knocking them over with Home Alone-style traps, or fighting while taking a phone call. I’m shocked no one disemboweled themselves out of shame. I’m talking about the characters and the actors.
It’s a movie without stakes since the three bumbling goons Koga initially sends after the three ninjas are so awful and so unfunny the crime lord’s credibility disappears like tears falling into the ocean. I don’t just mean the physical stakes; the emotional stakes are also nonexistent. The closest thing to a character arc the boys receive goes something like this: Colt has a temper so he… learns to focus and hit a baseball? Rocky can’t pitch because he doesn’t want to wear his glasses… until Miyo convinces him to? Tum-Tum… eats? Oh, and he wants to go to Japan with his grandfather, or something.
3 Ninjas Kick Back is aggressively juvenile and unfunny. From it emanates the distinct stink of a project no one cared about, that was squeezed out because the first was moderately successful and because the studio could keep ripping off “Home Alone” via the current popularity of martial arts films (This was released the same year as The Next Karate Kid and a year after Teenage Mutant Ninjas Turtles III). It doesn’t even try to check off any storytelling basics. You watch it in embarrassment. Knowing that there are still two more pictures in this series makes me wonder whether I’ll make it to High Noon at Mega Mountain, or die trying. (September 24, 2021)
I just....I know it wasn't on purpose, but I think he accidentally listed all the reasons why Mori Tanaka qualifies for status as a Tumblr BabyGirl (TM).
I did attempt to search up a picture of Victor Wong as a young man to see the hotness level....and learned some interesting stuff. He didn't actively pursue acting as a career until he was almost 50. He studied Journalism and Theology at UC Berkeley and the University of Chicago respectively, but eventually earned a Masters in art from the San Francisco Art Institute. During his college years he did frequently perform in several stage plays, and also was a member of The Second City comedy troupe in Chicago. He worked as an artist for several years then worked at KQED as an onscreen reporter, one of the first Chinese Americans to do so. In 1974, a bout with Bell's Palsy would cause him to lose his onscreen role, and while he worked off screen for a while he eventually returned to acting. He starred in multiple stage productions in San Francisco, eventually moving to NYC in the 80's. His film career started in 1984 at age 57, and he would continue to have steady work until 1999, when he suffered two strokes. He returned to art for the two remaining years of his life, passing late in 2001 at 74.
Victor's Wikipedia page for more detail
Link to his Asian Week obituary (it was the most detailed)
Summary: Tom McHugh (Ethan Hawke) discovers that big brother Craig (Brian McNamara) is not the paragon of perfection he always thought he was whilst on a night out with Geena Matthews (Teri Polo), his neighbour and love interest.
Surprisingly dark, wild ride featuring scene-stealing BD Wong as Chinese mob boss and establishment of Hawke as strong leading man.