open to: anyone
setting: anywhere at the palazzo | "I can't decide whether you should live or die.”
By definition, psychedelics are drugs whose primary effect is to trigger non-ordinary mental states, an apparent expansion of consciousness. Neither of which Lee had ever needed help to achieve.
Far from engaging in an anti-drug campaign, this maniac avoids it purely off the basis that they make it almost impossible to keep control.
In one moment, you’re picturing yourself stabbing someone — the next, the blood is crawling itself up the walls. He’s long since been off his meds, and long given up on the ridiculous notion of being fixed. He’s come this far; the blood is welcome to come alive and dance all around him.
So when someone draws near, Lee hears their heartbeat loud and clear. Warning, like footsteps. Stevie Nicks’s Edge of Seventeen starts a new cycle across the space.
“Luv’ly choice, darling,” Lee says of the other’s drink. His gaze draws up. “Lovely eyes.” Up to the reader: it’s either a compliment, or a threat.
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𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐁𝐔𝐑𝐘 𝐌𝐄 | a playlist feat. the unraveling of 𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐉𝐄 𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐊𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐍
❛ ...honey, you are nothing to me, i don’t call people anything that’s thought to be so sweet... ❜
presumably dead arm x sidney gish
first love late spring x mitski
night shift x lucy dacus
cold love x rainbow kitten surprise
ya’aburnee x halsey
– – click here for full playlist
𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐎𝐍: ya'aburnee - aka. flashes of the aftermath
𝐋𝐎𝐂𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍: catskill mountains, new york; march-july 2022
2 AM. A CRUMBLED BALL OF PAPER hits the back of the can. ❛ It is with deep sorrow and profound sadness that we announce.... ❜ She has the letter memorized, every word irreversibly seared into her brain. For the first few days, she recited it to herself — a mantra that sliced deeper with each repetition.
Penetrating injury to the abdomen. Line of duty death. Unmarked bullet. No other casualties.
She's proud of that, she would be proud of it; the bullet had not found purchase in its already-wounded target. Instead, it found the captain's mesenteric artery.
They got her address from the marriage license, her phone number from the emergency contact list. She hasn't answered any calls since that one. The blind panic that clung to her on the ride to the hospital still lingers, the helplessness as she wove through traffic. Not fast enough, never fast enough.
But she made it. She was there.
Hadn’t she wished for her death that night in the alley? Accused her of abandonment? Irony always did have a way of screwing her over.
❛ ...you got a 9 to 5, so i'll take the night shift. and i'll never see you again if i can help it...❜
The pungent aroma of disinfectant and a red-filled cap mark 10 AM.
❛ Let me know if you need a break. ❜
The tattoo parlor is small, as most things in the town are, and her machine almost sounds too loud. Too aggressive in a town that exists as a time capsule, the flickering lights of the fifties style diner across the street an indication of who lives here. Who belongs here.
She doesn't ask if it hurts. It's a stupid question to ask as someone repeatedly plunges needles into soft flesh; not hard enough to bleed, but enough to set ink permanently beneath the dermis.
Nikolai was there when she immortalized the captain into her skin, a night-blooming cereus. He had flown in for the funeral of a woman he’d hardly known simply because of the way his sister's voice cracked on the phone. Carrying her back into his condo afterward when her legs refused to work.
She swallows, barely noticing when she finishes the design.
❛ ...please hurry leave me, i can't breathe. please don't say you love me...❜
At 9 PM, she curses her for taking in mammoths for pets.
❛ You love them. ❜
She’s not hearing voices, she’s not. That would be weird, a definitive sign of the loss of one's sanity, and she's been clinging to that with every fiber of her being. No, she feels whispers of memories, sensations of a burgeoning life in a Brooklyn loft. A future.
Sága took to her new siblings immediately, and the trio's insistence on sleeping in the bed forced them to upgrade to a king-sized mattress. No need to worry about that now.
She does love the dogs, though. One too many nights waking to a paw draped over her abdomen or warm fur pressed to her back have endeared her to them. They are good for her, help her to feel less alone. A comforting reminder of what was stolen.
So, she shoves Hop’s gargantuan head aside and takes her place amongst the canines.
❛ ...not a word was said when the lights came on or a glance given pause at the cost of our desired wrongs...❜
She is unsurprised when the clock declares the time as 12:30 AM, eyes languidly rolling to return to their trained post on the ceiling. Its wooden beams cut across the expanse of white plaster to form a series of three triangles. The largest of the triangles is positioned at the foot of the bed, just low enough to toss a rope over and hang planters — morning glories, maybe.
The house itself is earthy, shrouded by a curtain of trees that make it easy to forget the mere ten minutes to reach the town center. Black paneling, glass, and ashen rocks make it undetectable from the road. She would love it, the blonde muses.
❛ ...your face was supposed to be hanging over me like a rosary. so morose for me; seeing ghosts of me writing oaths to me, is it so naive to wonder...❜
3 AM and the dogs need to be walked. Their protests as she clips on the leashes say otherwise, but she needs a distraction. An unseasonal cold front has stopped spring in its tracks. It's warm at Nikolai's, familiar, and she's grateful to him for not changing the locks. She has successfully put off staying in her own apartment during these 'business’ trips into the city, only daring to dart in to collect the odd knife and her mail.
Only the bills, never the cards.
Chirp stops to sniff at a novelty shop. Tourist-trap shirts fill the windows, many with some variation of I Love NYC emblazoned across the front. A thousand dates to a thousand places with stupid t-shirts from each spot. Isn't that what she promised? The night is a haze at best, a black spot at worst. And yet...
❛ ... cause a part of me needs a part of you, and not just any boy is gonna do. so I’m hoping you feel the same way too, not just any girl is gonna do...❜
The birds start outside the kitchen window at 5 AM, finding her already sipping from the first of many cups of coffee that she will have today. It is flavorless, the general store's instant mix not quite the barista caliber to which she was once accustomed. Soon.
Her focus is across the room, gaze locked with the cat. Cujo sits on the mantle, perched above an overturned picture frame. The last thing to pack before they leave the cabin for good has become his latest triumph. ❛ You’re a real asshole, you know that? ❜ Originally meant to go with Parrish alongside the four other dogs that once made up her pack, the feline refuses to leave. Though her arms show the results of many fruitless attempts at forcing him, she has to admit that she has come to admire his obduracy.
So, she assumes the role of resigned caretaker, crossing the room to pick up the fallen photograph. She already knows what she will find when she rights the frame, and still, her breath catches.
The first photo they took together, found tucked away in her camera roll following the night they drunkenly said I do. She insisted on having it encased in a durable frame — ❛ permanence. ❜
The roar of an engine drowns out the birdsong as she coaxes the bike into third gear, dousing her feelings in the only way she's ever known.
❛ ...darling, you will bury me before I bury you...❜
1. presumably dead arm x sidney gish
❛ honey, you are nothing to me, alcohol and dopamine… but like an old man, say i reckon, i love you for a millisecond… i wanna know your passwords without changing them in preferences, and all the childhood streets and deceased pets that they’re referencing… honey, you are nothing to me, i don’t call people anything that’s thought to be so sweet. ❜
2. first love late spring x mitski
3. night shift x lucy dacus
4. his hands x blegh
❛ you should go to something better. i’ll give you to someone better. i have friends that’ll be on earth for longer. i have friends that won’t feel like monsters. ❜
5. cold love x rainbow kitten surprise
6. dreams tonight x alvvays
7. montero airlines x montero
8. ya’aburnee x halsey
❛ i never got to tell you how I loved the way my eyes make yours look green too. i think we could live forever in each other’s faces 'cause i always see my youth in you. and if we don’t live forever, maybe one day we’ll trade places.❜
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