#Wanting to die.

[catmask]

my mom loves to lie and like she always swears she was NEVER homophobic or anything to me as a child “i even have a gay work friend” but a really funny memory resurfaced recently where i asked if i could use birthday money i had to buy a rainbow flag when i was like ??? 7?? because i LOVED rainbows. and she said no that means something Evil and god will hate you . so what did i do. but ask my grandmom for a rainbow sweater for christmas and proceed to only wear that sweater for three years when it got cold because i didnt like the idea that god hated colors and i wanted to challenge him

#id also stare really hard at the sky when i wore it because i wanted to see if he would #acrually strike me with lightning because i thought it would be a cool way to fie #die*** <- and no i didnt realize rainbow = gay for another SIX YEARS #that was AFTER years of g #‘google images girls kissing’ #scratchpost #txt

[lastoneout]

People don't like to admit it bcs cringe or w/e but Homestuck really did revolutionize the webcomic as a storytelling medium and I am endlessly frustrated that before webcomic artists could really stretch our legs fucking webtoonz swooped in, set a new, more restrictive standard, and then monetized and monopolized the ever living fuck out of the concept of The Webcomic until it drove away anyone who couldn't be a professional quality manga artist for free, and now the only webcomics that actually feel like spiritual successors to Homestuck are so obscure they're basically cult classics that you have to beg people to read.

Like it's just so wild to be in high school and see Homestuck be like "we're using like fifteen different artistic mediums to tell this story bcs we can" and be really fucking inspired by that, only to grow up and see basically every webcomic ever have to conform to One Single Standard or fucking perish.

#I decided I wanted to be a comic artist bcs homestuck inspired me #in the sense that it was like “fuck it tell your story however you want to” #and now it's like “tell your story this one specific way or fucking die” #wtf

[utilitycaster]

"why should I get invested in shows if they'll just get canceled" I was deeply invested in Heroes (2006) and it was not canceled, it just got really terrible. I also got really invested in the sandwich I had a few weeks ago despite it only lasting like 15 minutes. You must embrace the ephemeral. You must be willing to love things that may not love you back, that might betray you, or that may die an untimely death. As the great philosopher Mr. Mitchell Lee Hedberg said "I'm not gonna stop doing something because of what happens at the end."

#now granted he did die of a drug overdose but you know. one can take the good lessons #anyway. point being i understand being deeply frustrated with the state of the tv and film. #but also we can admit that for every gem canceled there's like three real duds too #idk if you want something that's guaranteed to have a bunch of seasons and you know the ending for go watch shows from the 70s #the number of adults on this site who lack the emotional wherewithal to watch an ongoing narrative is. yikes. #queue

[tariah23]

The manga industry, especially JUMP, needs to hurry up and do away with weekly scheduling for mangaka. There needs to better regulations put into place for their health and safety because this is pitiful. Two weeks - monthly updates should’ve already been the standard for the manga industry at this point. These money grabbers will only continue to put the lives of these artists at stake for the sake of capitalism unless some serious changes are implemented.

#it’s just??? #at the end of the day all these people want to do is draw and write their stories and share them with the world #why is death from stress the end game for so many of them #this should not be part of the package when finally deciding that this is what you want to do with your life #rambling #I still never got over miura’s passing man #and Togashi is still here but he’s been suffering from the consequences of overwork #it’s just… all so bleak #fans just need to learn to be patient if these changes are ever made and to be respectful #your fav series is not gonna die just because you can’t get it right now #I’m glad that gege does this now like he takes a break every 2-3 chapters and that’s good #this should be normalized

[malinaa]

if i think about the hunger games in peeta's perspective i WILL start sobbing

#imagine you're a boy who's going to die. you're in love with the girl you've been watching from afar. you know your fate. #you just want to help her‚ but then there's the announcement and she's here in front of you‚ kissing you‚ risking her life for you and you #think‚ i could live and i could love. you think she loves you when she hands you the berries‚ when she puts them in her mouth. #then you both survive and you go back home and nothing is real anymore. you have nothing. no family. no friends. no love. just an empty #house. a drunk for a neighbor. the love of your life walking into somebody else's arms. you think‚ i survived the games. i could survive #this. and you also think‚ i should've bit down on those berries‚ should've felt the juice burst before i died. #and then the third quarter quell announcement rings in your ears and you think‚ she will live and i will die as i should have in the first #place. the girl you love kisses you on the beach and somewhere you heart stirs and your mind revolts and you savor every touch she has ever #given to you‚ in front of the cameras and off. because you are a tribute and you are always being watched and snow's presence looms and #you think‚ i know she cares. but you get taken. you get drugged. you get tortured‚ your mind altered. the girl is a mutt‚ a murderer. she's #everything you despise‚ your mind stirs. your heart revolts. you gain more awareness but cannot distinguish reality from fiction and you #have never known katniss' love. the war ends. you heal. you come home. you plant primrose for her. years down the line‚ you grow in love #more than you thought possible. but some days‚ you cannot tell fiction from reality so you ask the love of your life‚ you love me. #real or not real? and she says‚ real‚ and kisses you. #and you sigh and kiss her back and revel in this. a home. a life. a love. #lit #the hunger games #everlark #otp: real or not real? #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #text #tais toi lys #thgpost

[mwagneto]

it's all be gay do crime and eat the rich until the rich actually get eaten and then suddenly it's nooo don't be cruel human life is precious 🥺🥺 these are people who have never been in touch with human life and thus i am unable to view them as anything but a fascinating story and a major L in return. stupid games stupid prizes and so on

#maybe if they didnt want to die horrible deaths they shouldn't have paid a million dollars to get into the horrible death machine #how about that #titanic #oceangate #the titanic

[freitag1607]

1.05 / Battle of the Labyrinth

#I FEEL SO NORMAL ABOUT THIS #percy jackson #pjo tv show #percy jackson and the olympians #pjotv #percabeth #pjo #screaming crying #mine #100 #500 #1k #5k #im in the middle of packing and this sent me frantically looking for my copies of pjo #anyway #i feel so insane i feel like im gonna die can anyone hear me. CAN ANYONE HEAR ME #annabeth has been so disconnected from the mortal world and just so fundamentally unable to enjoy her childhood #it makes me want to sob like seriously #i hope her and percy go on so many movie dates. like #not even just her and percy i hope percy tells grover and word spreads around camp and movie nights just become a thing at camp #because all these babies deserve it #god im gonna die. im seriously gonna die #WE KNOW THERE'S AN ORIENTATION VIDEO #SO THEY HAVE A PROJECTOR AND A SCREEN #MOVIE NIGHTS COULD HAPPEN!!! #okay bye. i'm going to go scream about percabeth some more

[cemeterything]

my main advice for writing an enemies to lovers relationship is to resist the urge to make the characters' loathing and attraction mutually exclusive opposing forces. it's okay if they're getting weirdly into it and having Thoughts whilst also sincerely wanting to kill each other with hammers.

#🐉 #read some really good [redacted to avoid maintags] fics lately where theyre like #'yeah i used to pray for you to die badly and in pain. but i also wanted to have nasty fight sex with you in the meantime.' #thats what its all about <3

[naomistares]

this one part from harrow the ninth always made me really upset. so i made a four page comic out of it!

#its the way that this was the day harrow decided to live forever #and not die #what if i kms #so many implications #i wanted to do this years ago but i sucked back then #art #artists on tumblr #the locked tomb #digital art #tlt #gideon the ninth #harrow the ninth #htn #harrowhark nonagesimus #griddlehark #the body #vomit cw #blood cw

[stromblessed]

Mizu, femininity, and fallen sparrows

In my last post about Mizu and Akemi, I feel like I came across as overly critical of Mizu given that Mizu is a woman who - in her own words - has to live as a man in order to go down the path of revenge.

If she is ever discovered to be female by the wrong person, she will not only be unable to complete her quest, but there's a good chance that she'll be arrested or killed.

So it makes complete sense for Mizu to distance herself as much as possible from any behavior that she feels like would make someone question her sex.

I felt so indignant toward Mizu on my first couple watchthroughs for this moment. Why couldn't Mizu bribe the woman and her child's way into the city too? If Mizu is presenting as a man, couldn't she claim to be the woman's escort?

However, this moment makes things pretty clear. Mizu knows all too well the plight of women in her society. She knows it so well that she cannot risk ever finding herself back in their position again. She helps in what little way she can - without drawing attention to herself.

Mizu is not a hero and she is not one to make of herself a martyr - she will not set herself on fire to keep others warm. There's room to argue that Mizu shouldn't prioritize her quest over people's lives, but given the collateral damage Mizu can live with in almost every episode of season 1, Mizu is simply not operating under that kind of morality at this point. ("You don't know what I've done to reach you," Mizu tells Fowler.)

And while I still feel like Mizu has an obvious and established blind spot when it comes to Akemi because of their differences in station, such that Mizu's judgment of Akemi and actions in episode 5 are the result of prejudice rather than the result of Mizu's caution, I also want to establish that Mizu is just as caged as Akemi is, despite her technically having more freedom while living as a man.

Mizu can hide her mixed race identity some of the time, and she can hide her sex almost all of the time, but being able to operate outside of her society's strict rules for women does not mean she cannot see their plight.

It does not mean she doesn't hurt for them.

Back to Mizu and collateral damage, remember that sparrow?

While Mizu is breaking into Boss Hamata's manse, she gets startled by a bird and kills it on reflex. She then cradles it in her hands - much more tenderly than we've seen Mizu treat almost anything up to this point in the season:

She then puts it in its nest, with its unhatched eggs. Almost like she's trying to make the death look natural. Or like an accident.

You see where I'm going with this.

When Mizu kills Kinuyo, Mizu lingers in the moment, holding the body tenderly:

And btw a lot of stuff about this show hit me hard, but this remains the biggest gut punch of them all for me, Mizu holding that poor girl's body close, GOD

When Mizu arranges the "scene of the crime," Kinuyo's body is delicate, birdlike. And Mizu is so shaken afterward that she gets sloppy. She's horrified at this kill to the point that she can't bring herself to take another innocent life - the boy who rats her out.

MIZU'S ONE MOMENT OF SOFTNESS AND MERCY, COMING ON THE HEELS OF HER NEEDING TO KILL A GIRL TO SPARE HER THE WORST FATE THAT THIS RIGID SOCIETY HAS TO OFFER WOMEN, AND TO SPARE A BROTHEL FULL OF INNOCENT WOMEN WHO ARE THE CASTOFFS OF SOCIETY, NEARLY RESULTS IN ALL OF THEIR DEATHS

No wonder Mizu is as stoic and cold as she is.

And no wonder Mizu has no patience for Akemi whatsoever right before the terrible reveal and the fight breaks out:

Speaking of Akemi - guess who else is compared to a bird!

The plumage is more colorful, a bit flashier. But a bird is a bird.

And, uh

Yeah.

I like to think that Mizu killing the sparrow is not only foreshadowing for what she must do to Kinuyo, but is also a representation of the choice she makes on Akemi's behalf. She decides to cage the bird because she believes the bird is "better off." Better off caged than... dead.

But because Mizu doesn't know Akemi or her situation, she of course doesn't realize that the bird is fated to die if it is caged and sent back home.

Mizu is clearly not happy, or pleased, or satisfied by allowing Akemi to be dragged back to her father:

But softness and mercy haven't gotten Mizu anywhere good, recently.

There is so much tragedy layered into Mizu's character, and it includes the things she has to witness and the choices she makes - or believes she has to make - involving women, when she herself can skirt around a lot of what her society throws at women. Although, I do believe that it comes at the cost of a part of Mizu's soul.

After all, I'm gonna be haunted for the rest of this show by Mizu's very first prayer in episode 1:

"LET" her die. Because as Ringo points out, she doesn't "know how" to die.

Kind of like another bird in this show:

#blue eye samurai #mizu #akemi #kinuyo #bes #women are birds okay they are BIRDS #the let me die line is so SCARY AND SAD like a part of Mizu wants death but she cant? she doesnt know how?? excuse you show??? #when all these other delicate birds are dying all around her #akemis character gets more and more gutwrenching upon subsequent rewatches because whenever she says her life is in danger #NO ONE BELIEVES HER - certainly not other women #because shes rich and pampered and that means shes safe and is worrying about nothing right? right????? #and it turns out that all of akemis instincts were right and she was in danger the ENTIRE TIME #also I need to make a post just for kinuyo because I am sad

[astralpenguin]

self care is writing a fic that you’re literally the sole target audience for

#nobody was asking for a spn pmmm crossover fic focusing on claire at 14 #who by this point has already been manipulated into agreeing to something without knowing all the terms and conditions first #and it was awful and the worst day of her life #so when kyubey approaches her she doesn't go for it #but the people around her do and so claire gets to watch people she loves die horribly AGAIN #like there is nothing in spn canon that contradicts any of this #but literally nobody is wanting a fic like this to exist #nobody except for me #so i guess i have to do everything myself around here #el talks

[samglyph]

I’m not immune to slasher comedy coming of age musicals. Apparently

#they’re cute! whatever! #starkid #nerdy prudes must die #this was a bit of a style test I really like the designs in the musical #I think they dig a good job getting just cartoony enough so I wanted to emphasize that #hatchetfield #my art #fan art #nerdy prudes spoilers #starkid fanart

[druidgroves]

the baldur's gate 3 experience when you accidentally trigger an unintentional romance because you thought you were just being a really supportive friend

#rbs turned off bc ppl kept being annoying. be normal abt this game or die by my sword. #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #shoutout to anyone who had to turn down more than one companion & they got really sad abt it #EDIT: this was always about karlach for me. went to talk to her & was met with the 'i want to be with gale' option #without ever triggering a romance scene bc i hugged her like any regular friend would

[tittyinfinity]

Doctor prescribing antidepressants: so this medication can cause side effects such as memory loss, seizures, eating disorders, stomach issues, rashes, fatigue, and could actually make you want to kill yourself even more. This is perfect for you

Doctor prescribing pain meds: Are you sure you don't want to try diet and exercise first? These pills are so bad for you. Yeah technically the list of side effects for this pain medication is a lot shorter than it is for your other medications, but the thing is, they might make you TOO happy. And we hate addicts. I just think destroying your stomach lining and liver with 2000mg acetaminophen and 1600mg ibuprofen per day would be a lot safer, because you definitely don't want "happiness" as a side effect of medication. Not being in pain and being happy is just too addictive and addiction is bad.

#.bdo #my pain medication does help with my focus and my mood a lot too #i mean yeah I'm happier when I'm not in pain lol #my pain medication keeps me from wanting to die unlike the SSRIs they gave me that made me damn near kill myself

[xyliaxart]

I had a lovely dream last night. I was in a school gym doing like an obstacle course and they were throwing things at us that were supposed to be scary including a big bat and a little bat. and I caught the little bat and just kept it cause it was so cute it looked like this:

it was so round and fit in my pocket. I gave it scritches under its little chin

#little bat #halloween #it came to me in a dream #literally #dreams #bat #spooky month #october #i would die for little bat #i want to learn to make plushies so I can have a cuddleable little bat #my art #sketchies #doodle #doodles

[endlessmidnights]

I hate when people say suicide is the easy way out, they have no idea the pain you must be in to want to end your own life

#tw sucidal ideation #tw selfhate #mentally drained #sorry for being depressing #anxitey #i hate me so much #tw depressing thoughts #tw sui ideation #depressing shit #mental health #tw depressing stuff #please let me die #please let me kms #let me go #you’re losing me #you’re on your own kid #mental problems #i wanna die #i want to disappear #i wish i was dead #i’ll never recover #what is wrong with my brain #tw sui vent #tw self h4rm #mentally fucked #so fucking exhausted #tw sui talk #very unstable #im going to kms #what is wrong with me