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typhonheroes · 7 years

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Journal de Witte

It was Daniel’s idea, through and through. To keep a journal. It felt like a necessity, like if he didn’t do it then no one else would, and frankly no one else would. He wasn’t an important person, not a king or a prince, not even a noble. He couldn’t consider himself a war hero in the slightest, a brave man perhaps but not one who all the world deserved to know about. He was, frankly, just a man, and that made him none too important. So if he wanted anyone to keep track of his life, then he’d need to be the one to do it. That’s why after signing on with Kazu for this little adventure, he’d gone to the local merchant and purchased a leather bound book, pages blank and fresh for the picking. He’d also gone and nabbed an ink well and a feather, for the sake of keeping things consistent.

Then, the night before they were due to leave town and head off on some adventure, Daniel wrote his very first entry.

Year 1140, Month 4, Day 23 Expedition date 0, entry 1

Today is the day of my first journal entry, and perhaps the day of a new way of living. I will be frank. I’d never considered keeping a journal before. When I was younger and life was fast, the prospect of sitting down every night and writing down my thoughts seemed frivolous. Things were too exciting to stop for such pointless tasks, and at a time when I hardly knew how to read it seemed even more foolish to waste my time with a task so frustrating as writing was. The struggle that I endured to learn to read and write in common was eventually all worth it, as being able to sign my own name seemed to big the biggest reward one could have ever given me, aside from the blessing of a hand. Still, even as I grew older I had never thought of keeping a journal. At least not until Akkadia fell. When I saw the hall burn with my own eyes I knew... I knew it was over. The dream was dead. I needed to move on.

This seems like the best way to move on.

I met a boy named Kazu the other day. He’s a sage apparently, serves some goddess name Venna. He’s nice enough, if a bit naive. He already almost got played by a couple of thugs. I stepped in though, because it seems that old habits die hard and I still like playing the hero. Anyway, he offered to pay me to watch his back. It’s easy money, I can’t imagine we’ll get into too much trouble. So that’s where I’m going next. I’m going to be with him, keeping a little log in this journal of mine. Who knows, maybe if I die something else’ll find it and put it to good use. Maybe it’ll serve as an omen, who knows. Whatever happens with it, whatever they do with it, I just hope it does some good.

Year 1140, Month 4, Day 25 Expedition date 1, entry 2

Today we left, Kazu and I. We have spent the last few moons preparing ourselves, buying the necessary supplies and such. We’ve found ourselves with a tent big enough to fit the both of us, a fair amount of rations to manage us for a week or two of hard travel, and a few other necessities that I deemed important (namely a whetstone, a bag of bait, some rope, and a couple other things). This morning I finally checked Indigo out of the stables. He’s been my trusty steed all throughout the years, from when I was a vigilant to now, so it seems fitting that we continue on for as long as my old stallion can bare me. When his time comes I’ll respectfully put him to rest, but until then we are in this all together.

I was a bit worried that Kazu would be intimidated by Indigo. He is a big horse after all, bigger than most. His size and stature has always been a necessity in my line of work. But the sage is already small, a fair bit smaller than me, so I was worried that he’d be overwhelmed. He wasn’t, though. In fact he immediately seemed to adore Indigo. He loves animals it seems, they do treat him far better than people ever have from the looks of it.

Before the sun was high we had packed our things and rode out of the city on Indigo. I was more than happy to leave. That damned place had only been my home begrudgingly. Had it not been for my imprisonment and potential execution then I would have never been there, and yet if it wasn’t for the mages then I would have died just across the border in the homeland of Lotherian scum. I will say that I was at least lucky to have been in that tavern the night I met Kazu. I would have easily died otherwise. Still, Anduvar has never treated me well, and I never intend to stay long enough to give that place a second chance.

So we left. It was as simple as that. The first day’s travel brought hardly anything interesting. We’re still too close to the main roads to hit much action. Even the beasts known better than to wander near the home of the mages, as it only takes one good mage to wipe out a whole army, so what can a monster do? Nothing, and the beasts have realized that well enough.

Kazu is very talkative. At first he had come off as nothing more than timid and too curious for his own good (of which he is still very much both of those things), but I’ve started to realize that all this naivety seems to just stem from a life of seclusion. Although I don’t know too much, I know that sages spend much of their early lives as hermits, locked away in temples, forever worshiping and studying as if their life depends on it. It’s easily a life of devotion, as a servant of Adar one could say I did similarly, although it seems that Venna likes to keep her servants locked away while Adar prefers to have his risk their lives for the betterment of humanity. Not that I’m trying to be all high-ho about it, if Kazu has come out to help the world then Venna must have had some good in mind.

We’ve set up for the night. Things are quiet. It looks like a slow start to the adventure. As much as I’d hate to say it, it’s for the best. I don’t think Kazu could survive long otherwise.

Year 1140, Month 5, Day 2 Expedition date 8, entry 3

It has been about a week since we left the city. Anduvar seems to fade the farther into the wilderness you travel. In fact, most human qualms seem to disappear as nature takes over. You forget about the war, the chaos, the bullshit. Politics don’t mean anything out here. You can’t lie your way past an owlbear out here. It’ll eat you alive before you can spew anymore bullshit.

That doesn’t mean that the humans aren’t a problem anymore though, not entirely. There’s a war going on in the background, you have to remember. Every so often you’ll see signs of it too. An abandoned shield. A forgotten sword. Sometimes you’ll find a bloody tunic, in worse times you’ll find a body. Shallow mass graves seem to be a hot topic. Kazu can hardly stand to look at them. He wants to help everyone, but it hasn’t crossed him yet that you can’t help everyone. Not in a war.

We came across a kid today. Poor guy. He couldn’t be any older than nineteen, maybe twenty. He was shocked out of his wits. Covered in all sorts of blood, we had stopped to assess him, more-so at Kazu’s request than my own. He wouldn’t talk to us much, just said he’d killed someone. Then Kazu walked off to go grab something from Indigo and the boy finally told me. He looked me dead in the eyes and said he’d beheaded his best friend. I asked him why, he said they fought on opposite sides of the war. Poor kid was Lotherian through and through, so when things kicked off the Mageocracy had all the rugged nordic kids sent back home. This poor sap was unlucky enough to get recruited into the war and then what happens next? He meets his childhood buddy from back when they both lived under the same flag. Poor kid’s friend’s a POW. The kid tells me next that his general ordered all the prisoners to be executed. He thought it was a bit excessive but the generals don’t give a damn. “Mage scum is mage scum” they say. So the kid had to kill his best friend, right then and there. He went through with it, because insubordination meant death. But right after the kid deserted. Threw down his colors and ran. Couldn’t take it anymore apparently. Now he’s wandering around, trying to find a way out. But he couldn’t admit that in front of a priest, not in front of Kazu, so the second Kazu comes back the kid shuts up again. Won’t mention a word of it.

We gave him some rations, some directions, and a saying of good luck. I don’t know if we’ll ever see him again. I hope he finds a way out.

Year 1140, Month 5, Day 10 Expedition date 16, entry 4

More human problems. It seems that this war attracts the worst of people. What this time? A bunch of deserters trying to hold up a bridge. Kazu and I come up on Indigo, minding our own business, but from a mile away I could tell something shady was going on. There were about five men all clad in Lotherian garb, helmets and all, but there was no military outpost nearby. No camps, no generals. I could tell already that they were either bandits who’d gone and looted the dead or some Lotherian soldiers who decided war was too much for them and instead chose to take advantage of the weak and vulnerable. Real men, huh. It’s just what you’d expect of Lotherians.

We come up to the bridge and the leader of this little gang decides to step up to me. He yells “halt” like he’s got authority and starts demanding money, saying it’s for a guaranteed safe passage as the area is apparently under the control of the Lotherians.

I know damn well that’s not true, but I don’t want to burst his bubble just yet, so I let him babble on for a while. I can tell Kazu’s curious, poking his head over to see what’s going on, but I can also tell that he notices something fishy’s going on, because his hand on my shoulder tightens a bit when he sees the men. The leader talks for a while and then puts his hand out like he’s expecting me to just hand over all our money. Unfortunately for him I’m not about to fall into his scheme, so instead I pull my horse to the side and get down, telling Kazu to stay put.

I walk over to these guys and decide to be frank. I say, “I know you’re bullshitting, so just let us through and I won’t cause any problems.” But the leader doesn’t want to hear it, he thinks he can pull this off if he just keeps yelling at me, so he does. He starts demanding some respect because apparently he’s big in the army, real big. It was only my dignity that kept me from spitting in his face. I tell him again, “We’re going to go on through and if you try to stop us I will not hesitate to kill you.” He doesn’t take that very kindly, draws his sword on me, his goons do the same thing, so there’s five armed men surrounding me. I glance over at Kazu and he looks as nervous as all nine hells but I’ve already told him a dozen times before that if I get killed then he just needs to take Indigo and go, and I can see that his hand’s are on the reigns, so I know he’s got that in mind even if he doesn’t want to leave me alone to die.

The leader tells me one more time to pay up, as if it’s going to make a difference, and I just look him in the eyes and tell him “You’ll have to kill me first.” And that’s the last straw, the guy swings dead for my head and I duck. The rest is much of a blur but by the end of it I’ve got a long slash down my shoulder, and five dead men in front of me.

I turn around expecting to see Indigo gone, somewhere far away and safe with Kazu, but no, the stupid kid decided to stick around and watch the whole thing. The second the last man is dead on the end of my sword Kazu’s off the horse and scrambling over to me, tending to me like a sick kitten. I ward him off, tell him I’m fine, that the wound is superficial and that there’s nothing to worry about, but that doesn’t stop him. He sits me down, makes me take off my armor, and then deals with my wound. He mends it with that magic of his and wraps it as an extra precaution. It seems so over the top and ridiculous but damn it can you hate a guy for caring? It seems like there aren’t enough people like him nowadays.

After that we get back on the horse and ride on, pretending that I didn’t just kill five men. We settle for the night a bit off the main road. Patrols are too much of an issue to just ignore. The last thing we want to do is draw attention to ourselves, especially after today.

Kazu’s been babying me all night. I’m trying my best not to snap at him but it’s getting hard. Kid doesn’t know when to quit.

Year 1140, Month 5, Day 21 Expedition date 27, entry 5

It’s been a while since I’ve killed anything. Probably for the best. We’ve been traveling around a lot. Kazu loves it all. Nature, he’s just totally enthralled by nature. You’d think he’s never seen a flower in his life before, maybe he hasn’t, I don’t know. But he loves everything. We’ll be riding through and pass a deer, and he’ll say “hi” to the deer as if the deer understands what he’s saying. It’s kind of cute all things considered, kind of weird too, though. I guess that’s what happens when you’re raised different than everyone else.

We came across a shrine today. It’d been desecrated by someone, who knows, soldiers probably. It was a shrine to the goddess Lenina, the goddess of nature. Usually her shrine’s are put up to ward off evils in the woods. But this one was knocked over, chipped at the ends, and covered in moss.

Kazu didn’t really seem to know who it was. I guess Venna doesn’t teach her servants about other gods. I know enough though to recognize Lenina’s figure, with her iconic harp, so we pull over to fix the shrine. I’ve had plenty of experience with shrines to know it’s bad business to leave them knocked on their side like that. It’s the first step to bad luck, and I’m not risking it. But while I’m lifting up this wooden shrine all on my own, wiping off the extra growths and patching it up a bit, I’m telling Kazu all about Lenina, because when he wants to know something he gets all doe-eyed about it and will ask you about it constantly until you start talking. He might’ve been a good interrogator once upon a time.

There’s not much of a tale to tell though, not much more than a name and a purpose. Lenina. Goddess of nature, protector of all that is kind and sweet in her domain, the domain of uncivilized land. It’s said that praying to her will reward you in the future, should you find yourself cornered by beasts. It’s said that a man who helps Lenina might find the wolves at his doorstep suddenly pacified, the claws against his throat suddenly removed. It’s believed that pleasing Lenina will bring you safer passage through the thicket of her domain, and so it diesn’t seem like a bad idea to give her a hand.

Kazu is ever interested of course, and ever adamant that I fix the shrine ASAP. But by then I’ve already propped the statue of Lenina back up on her pedestal. I’ve laid flowers at her feet and even upturned a nearly burnt-out candle, lighting it once more in respect. I ask Lenina a prayer, for safe travel, and Kazu does the same. Then we’re back on Indigo and we’re off. Kazu spent much of the rest of the day asking me about Lenina again, as if she was ever an important goddess. As if there was more of her story to tell. There was bound to be of course, but it’s a story I do not know. You wish to know of Adar? You wish to know of his struggles, his bouts of anger and defeat, his humanity? I can tell you of that. But Lenina? I’m not nearly in versed in the goddess of nature.

We have had safe travels. I can only presume that Lenina bid us well.

Year 1140, Month 6, Day 16 Expedition date 52, Entry 6

I must say that I’m surprised we have gotten this far. I never expected Kazu to survive two months, but he has, and admittedly I am grateful. Although at first I found it hard to bare his talkative nature, eventually I learned to appreciate it. It has been awfully long since I met someone so nice to be around. Of course, by now we’ve gotten to known each other a bit better. One of the more surprising revelations that I’ve had is that Kazu is actually older than me.

Just by looking at the two of us it would be hard to say. I’ve mustered the rugged years of a man who has seen the best and the worst of humanity, while Kazu seems to have lived the life in seemingly unbearable solitude. Based on appearance alone most would figure I was older, mostly because Kazu was awfully baby-faced and awfully naive for his age. But when the numbers come down to it Kazu is actually a few years my elder, which means I can’t quite call him a “kid” or a “boy” anymore.

There’s more than just that though. I’ve also learned that he has had just as much of an uneventful life as I expected. He’s learned much yes, but primarily of his own goddess, Venna. His life was indefinitely in a place of solitude at a monastery not far off from where we met, and although he had the company of other priests and sages there was not much more than that. In fact you’d think I was the first man he’d ever met, all things considered.

But of course once the questions about Kazu’s life passed on the questions of my own came along. I’m not ready to tell him everything, not yet. But I suppose that, fifty-two days later, I might as well tell him something. So I told him about the Vigilants of Adar, about the hall of Akkadia and about the rise and fall of my clan. I did not get into the nastiest details, skimmed over the fact that I was turned in because I am a runaway slave, and really just summed up the end as “things went poorly, the hall was burned down by Lotherians, and now I’m here.” Kazu, obviously, had more questions, but I refuse to sate his hunt for knowledge much further. He will just have to wait for his answer.

Year 1140, Month 6, Day 20 Expedition date 56, Entry 7

We came across a battlefield today. Lotherian and Anduvarian soldiers scattered about an open, dirt field. It was a cluttered mess. Swords, shields, axes, maces, lances, spears. Helmets, tunics, chest plates, arm guards. Heads, arms, legs, feet. It was a massacre.

Kazu didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want him to see it either. I was just going to steer us away but then we heard someone groaning, moaning. Immediately Kazu was up and off the horse, running to find the person, calling out for them, begging them to speak up. I thought he’d gone mad. I left Indigo and then went off after him, trying to pull him back. That battlefield was riddled with all sorts of things, and I didn’t want him getting hurt. But he was adamant. He searched until he found the man, a wounded soldier. I don’t think Kazu even bothered to look at his colors. I don’t think he thought twice. He just saw the man and he immediately started helping him, healing him. He told me to get food and water so I went and got food and water.

We patched the man up, helped him out. Dragged him out of that hellhole and over to the grassy part of the field. He laid there for a moment, breathless, exhausted. When he had the strength to eat and drink on his own he thanked us, asked the gods to bless up, told us his name was “Kirby” and said that, thanks to us, he’d be able to return to his wife and his daughter again. Kazu gave him some food, I told him which direction to walk in, and when the man had enough strength to do so he was off.

He was Lotherian too.

I don’t know if Kazu understands the conflict at hand here. I don’t know if he understands that the Lotherians hate mages, that this whole war started because they want to eradicate magic, that they want to dispel these “demonic” natures to purge the land, to free the souls of the damned, to cleanse the soil of which we stand on. I don’t think he understands that any other Lotherian man would have spat in his face, stomped on his boots, and maybe even made an attempt on his life.

But I think maybe Kazu knows, and just doesn’t care.

Year 1140, Month 6, Day 31 Expedition date 67, Entry 8

We came upon a village today. The first we’ve seen in months, it’s a miracle we’ve done as well as we have. Some days I think we won’t have any food, some days I think we might have to eat Indigo. I never would, of course, but I wonder. It’s on those days that I bare my teeth and go hunt with that crossbow of mine, the stupid thing that only wants to work half the time. But I go out and do it anyway, because I know if we don’t then Kazu and I will starve and I just can’t let that happen.

So seeing a village was a blessing. It would give us the opportunity to replenish our supplies and brace for another hard trip into the wilderness.

When we arrived, the village bore an unfamiliar flag. Particularly, it was Dorelian. Which means at some point we must’ve crossed the border over. It’s a comforting thought. Doreli isn’t all too involved in the war, they don’t hold much of the sentiments of either side and don’t intend to get involved. They prefer to keep to themselves, and I can respect that. Plus, it makes things much easier for Kazu and I. We don’t need to worry about being jumped for whatever reason, be it he’s a mage or I’m a slave.

The village is small, modest. The villagers look to us curiously but otherwise do not give us a second glance. They are busy, the fall is nearing, winter will come soon, and there’s lots of harvesting to be done and crops to be dealt with. Two wandering faces arriving out of nowhere doesn’t seem to interested them all too much.

There’s an inn atop a tavern and a small warehouse where they store all the wheat. We make our way to the inn after I drop Indigo off in the stables. We head in and there’s a barkeep hunched over at the counter. He straightens up the instant he sees us -- I guess he doesn’t get many new faces out here -- and immediately he’s talking us up, offering us drinks. I gave Kazu a handful of coins that I’d had left over and tell him to get some food. Then I take the rest of our money and get a room for the night. Next comes the hard part, because I knew things wouldn’t be easy forever, and I needed to start making us money eventually. I walk up to the innkeep, who’s on the other end of the room, and ask him if there’s any contracts out.

The innkeep tells me that the local lord has a bounty on a nearby group of bandits. Anyone who can bring him their leader’s head will get a fair amount of coin. I ask how much, and he tells me enough to pique my interest. It sounds like a job, not the easiest one in the world, but a doable one. I’ve killed enough men to take on a handful, and the money will get us through the next two months.

I get the room key, head up and drop our things off. Then I give the key to Kazu, telling him explicitly to keep it on hand because it’s the only one around and I don’t intend to ever bust down our inn room door unless it’s an absolute emergency (and I can only pray that such an emergency will never arise). He looked to me, confused, and I tell him I have to disappear for a day. His confusion turned to concern and he started asking me a bunch of questions. I quell his fears, assure him I’m just heading out on a job, that I’m doing with vigilants do, and then I handed him the rest of my coin before heading off. I don’t know what his expression is like when I leave and frankly I don’t want to know. It would’ve just hurt more to see him like that than to not see him at all.

I don’t know the last time I’ve ever cared about someone so much. It’s stupid, I know, Kazu’s just a sage who I’ve hardly been in the acquaintance of for more than two months. And he does stupid little things all the time that get on my nerves, like asking too many questions, or throwing himself into danger when it isn’t necessary. But he does other things too, endearing things, that keep me around even when it doesn’t seem worth it anymore. He isn’t paying me much at all, in fact I’m sure he’s coming down to his last coins very soon. And this isn’t like a usual vigilant job, it isn’t like I’m going to be making hundreds off of a kill. I’m just taking Kazu around the world, and letting him experience it for the first time. And honestly... it’s nice. It feels better than a vigilant job. I just don’t know why.

Year 1140, Month 7, Day 2 Expedition date 69, Entry 9

Kazu will be happy to know that I am not dead. I had gone this morning and tracked down the bandits. I went and I slaughtered them all. They hardly stood a chance against me, and I think they started to realize that midway through, but by then it was too late. I killed them all, except for a few stragglers who managed to slip away. It didn’t matter though, the bunch had been dispersed and their leader lay dead, so that would satisfy the local lord.

I looted the place, beheaded the leader, and then rode on Indigo to the lord’s keep, where I presented the head and was given my sum of my reward. I’m glad Kazu didn’t come, he didn’t have to see me like that.

While in town I looked around a bit. The keep didn’t have too much to offer, but there was a merchant there selling a few things. I bought a book -- Kazu said he could read, so I figured he’d appreciate something to keep him entertained -- some rations and fresh water, and a new whetstone for my sword. I also dropped by the blacksmith, and had made enough gold from the job that I was able to get my entire set of armor repaired, sword included. It was nice, refreshing even, to have newly restored attire. It also gave me a little more comfort knowing that anything short of a lucky sword slit or stab wouldn’t manage to kill me.

Tonight I will head back to Kazu. I can only hope that he is still in one piece. The village life can be so cruel, especially to one so unacquainted.

Year 1140, Month 7, Day 3 Expedition date 70, Entry 10

I returned today to opened arms. It’s been a while since I’ve had such an honor. When I arrived at the inn Kazu was at the bar, talking to the barkeep. From what I understand that’s where he’s spent most of his time since arriving. Apparently the bar keep has plenty of stories, and he has just as many from our recent endeavors. But when I walk in, as rugged as I usually am, Kazu practically jumps out of his seat. He runs over to me and hugs me and I almost fall right over.

He starts babbling and I just muster a pat on the back as he talks about all that he’s done since I’ve been gone and about how much he was worried. I manage to quiet him by shoving the book in his arms. He looks down at it -- it’s a thick read -- and scans the cover. I tell him that I’d bought it while out on the job and thought he’d like it.

Immediately he’s back to hugging me, and although he makes some passing remark about how sages don’t believe in materialistic ideals I think overall he appreciated it. And after I show him the gold I think even he could be happy about a job well done, because the money meant we’d have not just food and water, but more time to go off and explore the world. Right now that seems like the one thing he wants to do most, so who am I to say no? I could always leave, of course, but it’s not like I have anywhere else to go. I might as well stay and enjoy myself

We’ll stay a few more nights then head off once we’re tired of sitting around. Besides, it’s not like us to stay in one place long.

Year 1140, Month 7, Day 8 Expedition date 75, Entry 11

We’ve left the village, but the few days we’ve spent there have been a time of reflection for me. There are many things that I’ve thought about, and many more things that I’ve considered, and honestly it’s hard to compose them all in one entry but I’ll try my best.

First, the matter of exploration. I think I’d already thought about this in the past, namely when I was stuck in that tavern trying futility to get drunk and wasting my money away. But now I’m sure of it, as these past few days in the village have been particularly dull. I’ve spent most of them in Kazu’s company in the inn, and while it’s nice to have a soft bed and warm food it’s hardly worth staying in one place for so long. I’m simply restless. I cannot begin to comprehend spending my life in one place for such an extended period of time, as a mere five days was more than unbearable to me.

It was different when I was a vigilant. Yes, I always returned to Akkadia, but otherwise I was traveling, heading from place to place to take contracts, slay beasts, turn in contracts, then move onto the next. It was an active life, and I easily became accustomed to such a life. Which makes settling down seem impossible, for me at least. I cannot see the benefit of sitting around and talking to Kazu when I could very well do the same but on the road, in the wilderness, off in nature where we can explore and enjoy ourselves in the natural world. Kazu seems happier that way, and I am too.

Then there’s the topic of Kazu.

I don’t even know where to begin with writing my feelings down on this. They’re weird, confusing. At first I thought they were a mere protective nature that I’d developed as his bodyguard, a general protectiveness that anyone should wish to have when in a position such as my own. It makes you better at your job, at least I’d like to think, and it leaves you with a happier employer. But... I don’t think that’s what’s happening in my case. I’ve never really looked to Kazu as an employer, not in the same way I look at a lord when he offers me coin in exchange for the head of a cockatrice or a nymph. Kazu just never gave off that demeanor. He was more of a friend if anything, someone to trust and cherish, but protect all the same.

Then again, I never really thought of him as much of a friend either. I was in a sort of limbo for a while. I never considered him close enough to deem a friend, but not distant enough to merely look at as an employee. I felt differently about him, but my vocabulary never managed to do it justice, and now things have changed. I feel different about him.

I think I’ve taken a liking to Kazu, and not in the friendly way either. I know I’ve always been interested in men, there’d been Brandon back in the academy, when I first started my training as a vigilant, but that hadn’t lasted and afterwards he was transferred elsewhere, so frankly it was never meant to last. After that I’d mostly been with women, but after Melissa broke my heart I’d left the dating game for a while. Things were quiet in that regard, a good bit thanks to the fact that things were starting to heat up in the war and the Burning of Akkadia was not too far away. I hadn’t thought about getting into a relationship for a while.

But then I met Kazu, and although at first I didn’t feel particularly interested in him, I think that’s changed. Being around him all the time might’ve had something to do with that.

I realized this just last night in fact. We were in our room, resting up one more time before heading out for travel. He was in a chair, reading that book I’d gotten him, and I was lingering by the window, watching the moon rise with the stars. Then it struck me suddenly that, at some point, my gaze had shifted from the stars to Kazu. Suddenly I had started admiring his eyes and his brow, and his lips. And the second I realized it I snapped myself out of it. Shameful! I thought. But then it struck me that this wasn’t the first time I’d caught myself staring. A few times I’d done the very same thing, mostly after we’d set up camp and he would linger about before going to sleep. I would stare at him, observe him, and while at first I’d dubbed myself a creep and tried to divert my attention, I quickly realized that my actions were not without cause. That perhaps I was doing such things but I was... attracted to him?

Now mind you that I didn’t conclude this until last night and by then I was so tired that I figured myself in a fit of sleeplessness and shortly went to bed. But I awoke this morning and realized that my feelings still remained, that perhaps my protectiveness hadn’t been simply a manner of professionalism, but the fact that I had found someone whom interested me, and my mind was subconsciously telling me so. It would seem that my head knew before the rest of my body did.

I’m not sure what to make of this revelation. I’m nervous, admittedly. I don’t want this to get between Kazu and I. But I feel that it’s necessary that I tell him eventually. It would be for the best. Perhaps I will do so when we’re sitting comfortably in a large city, to the point where I could give him enough money for another bodyguard should he decide to terminate my contract. I will hold onto the hope that he will not get rid of me, but I cannot be so sure. The world is a cruel place. It’s hard to say if he’ll ever except me for who I am. But there’s only one way to find out.

Year 1140, Month 7, Day 28 Expedition date 95, Entry 12

We had a close call. Too close. We were going through the woods and knew well enough that there were wolves prowling about, but I figured they’d stay away if we yelled at them enough to keep off. It worked the first couple of times but eventually those fuckers got sneaky. We’d stopped for a break and then just like that they came out of nowhere. One of them snatched my heel and when I reached to grab my sword another one lunged up at me. I only managed to just barely protect my throat, but I nearly lost my finger in the process.

Indigo panicked and ran away. Kazu was trapped between a tree and a few very angry wolves. I quickly realized that if I didn’t do something soon then we were as good as dead. I had to fight through the pain to grab my sword but I wasn’t going to let these stupid mutts eat Kazu alive, so with blood coating my grip I started stabbing away at the wolves. The one on my heel backed off after a good kick to the nose, and the one going for my throat backed away after I stabbed it in the leg. Another jumped up on me but I swatted it away. It became apparent at that point that we were surrounded but I wasn’t backing down. I couldn’t.

I knew well enough that by taking out the big dog the rest would run off, so I immediately started looking for the alpha. It took a moment before I found him -- he was sizing up Kazu around the time I got to him. I went to stab at it but at that point the blood coated my hand so severely that keeping a grip on my sword was impossible, so instead I went for plan B. I tackled the wolf to the ground and slammed its head into the dirt. I felt a few more bites along my back but I ignored them as I wrestled the biggest wolf of the bunch. The alpha wouldn’t back off until I shoved my hand down its throat, and at that point it realized it was out matched. Retreating with an awful gag, the wolf ran off and with it went the rest of the pack, save the two that I’d already butchered.

At that point my back was bit up, my heel was blooded, and it was hard to tell if I still had all my fingers. Kazu, after snapping out of his initial shock, immediately tended to me, both scared out of his wits and thankful to be alive. I was just as thankful, and after he patched me up we went to go track down Indigo.

It was at that point that I decided I needed to tell him.

I’d spent the last twenty days debating it. Of course my initial plan had been to get somewhere where we could go our separate ways with ease but with the realization of my infatuation came an even more intense interest. It was plaguing my life to be frank, as every time I looked at him I was reminded of my attraction. My heart would skip, my breath would hitch. I would pray that he didn’t notice and move on. But now, in the instance that I nearly died, I decided it had to be done. Even if he rejected me, even if it was all pointless, I needed to tell him before I lost the chance to ever do so. Those wolves actually opened my eyes.

While we searched for Indigo I had quietly picked a handful of flowers. There were a fair amount of white and purple lilies scattered about, so I went and picked them into a nice little bouquet. When I had quite enough in my hand I kept them hidden behind my back until we’d found the horse. I think Kazu might have noticed at some point, but he never questioned me, so I presumed that I had the element of surprise. And so, when we finally found my trusty stead not too far away, I pulled out the flowers and told him.

I poured my heart out to him, more or less. My whole speech is hard to recall word-for-word, but I can at least say that I told him how I felt. I told him that I’d started to notice how absolutely beautiful he was, and how much I’d learned to love his voice. I told him about how much I adored his company, about how I cherished every single day we had together. I told him about how every time I looked to the stars I was reminded of his eyes, and how every time I heard the melody of a harp I was reminded of his laugh, in the same way one would be reminded of the songs of the gods. I told him that I had kicked myself for waiting so long to tell him, that I felt foolish for ever hesitating, for ever doubting. I told him that I would love to take his hand, and if not then I would at least appreciate the fact that I ever got to tell him in the first place.

I told him all these things breathlessly. I told him them as if I’d only have seconds to do so, and to be honest the entire time my heart was pounding. One might have thought that I was fighting a great monstrosity with how fast my heart was pounding, but no. I was just thinking about him.

And then when my speech was said and done and I held out the flowers, my eyes fell to the floor. I felt shame. It was as if it had all come crashing down on my head suddenly, as if the realization had hit that I just admitted I loved another man, as if it all became strikingly apparent that I was a freak by society’s standard. I could only imagine what that meant to a sage, to Kazu, someone who was so pure and so innocent being vilified by a creature so despicable. For a second I honestly felt like a monster. Then... he started laughing.

I thought he was laughing at me but I quickly realized that it wasn’t laughing so much as it was giggling, and his face was a hot pink. It’s then that he told me that my ears were lit up a fiery red, and upon telling me my own blush only grew worse. He took the flowers happily and hugged me, and I don’t know I guess somewhere along the lines he had realized he felt the same? The whole thing is a blur, if I’m being honest it felt like a dream. My heart was pounding a mile a minute, and at one point it seemed as if I’d gone deaf. But... I hadn’t.

I’m just in love.

Year 1140, Month 8, Day 13 Expedition date 110, Entry 13

It’s been about two weeks since I told Kazu how I felt about him. Things have only gotten better it seems. We started slow, more-so for Kazu’s sake than my own, but once we started getting comfortable we tried being a bit more... intimate. I enjoy kissing him most of all, even just occasionally. Sometimes when we wake up I will lean over and kiss him, and he’ll laugh and kiss me back. Sometimes after a long day of travel I’ll want nothing more than to pull him into a hug and kiss him all over. I control myself of course, but sometimes it can be hard. I want to cherish him more than anything, especially since it’s been so long since I’ve been given such an opportunity.

My favorite time is whenever Kazu goes out of his way to kiss me himself. He’ll run up and plant a peck on my cheeks or sometimes my lips. It’s always adorable, because he’ll try to pull me down to keep me close, and of course I’ll let him.

I’m glad that things are working out so well between us. It seems that my previous concerns were all for naught. His interest in me was just as intense as my interest in him. I can hope for nothing more than our continued relationship, and it seems that the outdoors benefits us with such an opportunity. We do not need to fear being walked-in on while out in the woods, and even if we did who would believe such a sight? We are on our own entirely, and it’s a benefit of nature that we could have never foreseen. I love it, wholeheartedly, just as I love him.

Year 1140, Month 9, Day 1 Expedition Date 127, Entry 14

We arrived at a city today for the first time in a while. It’s been another month and it seemed foolish to pass up dropping by and resupplying, so we made our way over. From the looks of it we’re still in Doreli, so things are still safe. After we took Indigo to a stable, Kazu and I ventured the city. We found a nice inn, much nicer than the first (and more expensive) to stay a few nights in. There’s also another job but I’ll wait until tomorrow to worry about that. I need to make sure Kazu’s settled in first and foremost.

Since we arrived at the city so early in the day we decided to walk around a bit. I met a blacksmith who agreed to repair my gear and re-shoe Indigo, and after that I walked Kazu down to the marketplace where there were an array of goods to choose from. It was by far the most extravagant of the marketplaces we’ve had the opportunity to see thus far, and that seemed apparent in Kazu’s blatant awe. There were so many things to look at, so many things to choose from, it seemed pointless to only pick a few, but they only had so much money to barter.

It became clear, though, what we were getting the second it walked up to us. A little pseudodragon seemed absolutely drawn to Kazu. It came up to him on its own in fact, and right away you could tell that it had won Kazu’s heart over, because his eyes simply glowed. A moment later we found out that the creature belonged to a merchant, and that for a fair sum we could have it (although I soon learned it was actually a her). Kazu begged me, although that wasn’t particularly necessary, as he could have simply asked and I would have never had the mind to say no.

So we bought the little dragon and Kazu promptly named her Chamomile. I never would have considered such a name, but I love it nonetheless. I can only hope that this little dragon won’t prove too troublesome on our endeavors.

As a slight side note, we ran down to the stables to introduce Chamomile to Indigo. It seems the two get along enough, as at the very least they don’t hate each other. That’s a better sign than none.

Also I very quickly learned that little Chamomile loves to do one thing in particular, and that’s puff balls of fire. Adorable maybe, but also painful. I’ve already been damned quite a few times by that thing simply because it loves to scorch my skin. Thankfully, Kazu is kind enough to mend my wounds whenever it is necessary. It is necessary a lot, evidently.

Year 1140, Month 9, Day 17 Expedition Date 143, Entry 15

We finally left the city today. As I’ve already said it’s hard for me to stay in one place for very long, and although we stayed here longer than I had hoped it was at least slightly more bearable with Kazu as company. I took up two contracts while here, one to wipe out a nest of corpse eaters and another to slay a werewolf. Both weren’t particularly easy, or bearable, but I did it for the sake of Kazu and I. The coin was good and so it keeps us afloat.

The last few days were nice. I became well acquainted with the blacksmith in town, who work on my armor a few times, namely when I arrived and after both of my contracts. He was a kind man, I appreciated his company well enough. He was one of the few people I spoke with aside from Kazu while in town.

We spent a bit of time in the marketplace, perhaps more than was necessary, but after finding Chamomile Kazu was adamant on looking for any other little creatures we keep. We found none, but we did learn that Chamomile loves to push over random objects. She pushed over a vase on a merchant’ stand and we ended up paying for its broken bits. Lesson learned for sure, I’ll need to make sure it doesn’t happen again (me specifically, because Kazu didn’t seem bothered about it in the slightest. Something about materialistic ideals being false and all that. I don’t care what he thinks, as long as it doesn’t end up being too expensive).

But now we’re on the road again, regardless. I’m not sure where the path will take us now, but I hope it will take us the right way, wherever that may be.

It’s me, Kazu, Indigo and Chamomile now. And life’s never been better.

#drabble;

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