#Woke up feeling very sad

[jenna-louise-jamie]

thinking about yassen gregorovich instead of sleeping (because i love him) and how he is a catalyst. yassen stabbs ash -> ash kills john rider -> ian rider raises alex -> yassen kills ian rider -> mi6 blackmails alex into becoming a teenage spy.

i have so many thoughts that i can't properly articulate. obviously this is a simplified chain of events, but yassen and his choices set off a chain reaction of the world's most unfortunate dominos. especially when you read russian roulette. to be clear im not necessarily trying to blame him for everything because that feels very mean. he was also just a 14 year old kid when everything in his life went wrong, just like alex. only difference being yassen literally had no one.

i think i should write an essay about this because i haven't even gotten into my thoughts about what yassen and alex's dynamic would look like past eagle strike. i would imagine it'd be similar to ellie and joel from the last of us part 2.

where obviously yassen loves alex and alex on some level cares for yassen back but struggles to reconcile that with the fact that yassen is responsible for his uncle's death. a very unforgivable act. it would be so messy and complicated and angsty, because on one hand here is an adult who truly cares about him and has a connection with him through his father. yassen could tell alex about john, and trust that yassen truly wants whats best for him. but he killed ian, and he cannot take that back.

while alex reels from those feelings, yassen is also trying to reconcile his love of alex with the knowledge that he on some level is responsible for the suffering alex endured at the hands of mi6. and possibly even the fact that alex's godfather is the one who killed john and helen.

#btw i think anthony horowitz killed yassen off so he wouldnt have to deal with this lmao #and sidenote ash is responsible for his own shitty choices but i think itd be difficult for yassen to cope with the fact that stabbing ash #led to some very bad consequences for literally everyone #are there any fics that are similar to what im describing?? ? #i read a ton of alex rider fics but i mostly read fluff because im actually too emotionally fragile to handle angst #i cried while reading stormbreaker and that book wasnt even supposed to be sad #if this is doesnt make any sense its because i woke up at 2 am and wrote this #its just word vomit; pure not proofread thoughts directly from my fucked up little brain #idk maybe someone will enjoy reading this #alex rider #yassen gregorovich #alex rider books #ian rider #john rider #chaotic ramblings #and final note i do not ship yalex #i was thinking of this more in terms of yassen having a weird guardian/parental relationship with alex #if it wasnt clear from my ellie and joel reference from the last of us #anyways im gonna go back to making shitposts and memes so i never have to feel anything again thank you goodnight <3

[emilykaldwen]

Hi, can you please explain what's going on in the HOTD fandom. I love your blog, it's like a safe switch and if there's drama I feel like I can filter through it on your blog and avoid going through the tag without being stressed tf out

Hello yes welcome I am desperately trying to maintain that feel because my blog is ALSO my safe space.

So there was a whole thing the past two days about someone who started claiming they were posting 'deleted scenes', much like the script draft snippets being posted by the user Darksvster (who had gone to the WGA library to look at the previous drafts of the hotd scripts).

And basically they came out and said 'why did no one believe me but you're willing to believe that other person' and there was a lot of mess how because Darksvster likes Daemyra, they were faking the content to show... Daemyra positively? As if the show hasn't been clear from day one that this is the ship of the show?

And now people are just making dramatic fake script things and it was funny at first, but now it's just the wave of exhaustion.

I think for me, as someone who did come from generally positive fandom environments in the past that survived during long waits (looking at the old days on Fiction Alley), I would really just love it people stopped screaming and yelling about things that just don't matter. Please engage with other fandoms, find something new you like to get through long hiatuses and breaks.

Because Anon, I feel the way you do - and yes, I'll comment on what I see, but I see a lot of people who are just unhappy. And It's not something I think will go away when the new season airs. It's going to be screaming and fighting about how the show contradicts headcanons and ideas that people have, what they've adapted from the book, massive amounts of disagreements.

And while yes, we can and should approach our stuff with critical thinking and analysis when we choose, I'm just tired of the yelling. I'm tired of the fighting. I'm tired of people getting beat up on. I have never seen anything like this before. It's baffling to me.

The TL;DR of it is: I wish I could understand outside of 'I think everyone needs to go and get some other hobbies so their whole interests aren't just revolving around this one thing' because I think it's driving everyone insane.

#lotsa love to you anon #I am but a very small blog #who is very tired #and for the first time today woke up feeling really sad

[chaoss-incarnate]

Watching the figures, all the saints, but mostly sinners

Come and go and some are desperate, but the others have

The sense that they do belong

And I do not belong

- notre dame, paris paloma

#i am feeling very sad and lonely today #paris paloma #notre dame #my gif #yes this is a gif of my fireplace at home #i was sleeping in front of it not long ago #then my mum woke me up #im fucking exhausted #chaotic academia #dark academia

[ehszter]

just what i needed thank you

#been very depressed about financial stuff #i hate money #and I hate algorithms #and i hate that studios don't write back when I apply for a job #or publishers when I send submissions #i even dreamed that i gave up on art and just went to work in an office or something #and I seriously thought it through and cried #and i woke up and was confused #but yeah i cant stop making stuff #im just tired of being useless i guess not making money or just very little #my biggest dream is to leave my country and buy a house #but you have to be rich to do that #oh well #wont give up just a bit sad now #sorry for being a party pooper #happy monday tho #anyways good things happen too #my comic coming soon im excited for it even if it wont sell #so yeah it's ok to feel like crap sometimes #gonna get better #dont give up you guys either!

[astragatwo]

#my art #project moon #limbus company #lcb dongbaek #woke up feeling very sad about dongbaek (<- understatement) #ueueueueueuuu :(( #excited for the next event but also i feel like im leaving her behind.... #i miss her. i miss dongbaek so much #fanart

[elegyofthemoon]

😊 day one of being back home and everythings already so nice. i know i already started doing some work to prepare for a new life like applying for jobs and all that, but i also started doing work for something that i really want to pursue and its making me feel so giddy,,, i really hope it goes well but it wont happen till end of may

i'm a little wary about may since... all the stuff that happened last may so i feel like ill be very antsy this upcoming may BUT i have things to look forward to! we just gotta flush out the bad stuff with new good ones :] like hsr anniversary and this course coming up

spring brings new beginnings. im trying very hard to make mine

#avil speaks #im happy and excited #but i woke up in a very good mood today which is. such a shock i havent felt this way in forever lksadjhfalskjha #so this feels really nice #AND IT DIDNT TAKE ME FOREVER TO GET OUT OF BED THIS TIME ...... #i was just really excited for my day to start skdfhaklsjhlkh #garbage year last year so me going through this year will be very 😰as i think about things that happened last year #BUT !!! we have to keep fighting to make things brighter #or else what else can we do #beating me being sad all the time with a HAMMER

[moeblob]

My favorite golem gremlin

#rune factory tides of destiny #elena #i love her so much you guys ? she was so great i miss her #uh hmmmm woke up feeling blah after poor sleep and then just slept most of the day and woke up to a storm #and was like huh it isnt very light out did i somehow sleep way into the night? #and briefly thought i wouldnt make art today and it made me sad #but it was just rain and i did in fact draw today #the streak is still going

[unawakening-float07]

huh i might be depressed, that’s fun

#i’ve def had like way worse depression #but it just hit me that like #i am not happy usually #i woke up today in an awful mood and absolutely nothing changed it #and i’m still feeling just lethargic and sad for myself #i don’t have the energy to do anything besides lay around and eat and watch tv #which is very unlike me

[slavicafire]

strange gloom weighs over me today. like a shroud, heavy and absolute, and with no apparent reason - or rather, fueled by reasons which remain unchanged for a longer period of time and yet today seem to be more overwhelming.

maybe there's something in the air, as they say.

#żmija gada #woke up in horrible spirits and it's only getting worse #and I have to wake up Urwis to pack him into the transporter to go for the cardiologist visit #and 1. he cries and despairs and handles travelling and vet visits very badly #which makes me feel horribly sad and guilty every time #and 2. another vet visit... we've nearly spent 1k already this month #of money we need to just... get by #so I don't know what to do

[pizzacrustdisposal]

don’t think about traumatic events right before you go to sleep you MIGHT have weird dreams

#anyway 2 of my very similar OCs had a cameo. and I was in prison #Lloyd the love of my life was banned from visiting me and I never recovered #I woke up incredibly sad #washed my hair and now I feel a little better #pizzacrustdisposal

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: January 16

"Coast of Carolina" by Jimmy Buffett

#song of the day #when I said my schedule would be back to normal today apparently what I meant was my sleep schedule would be obliterated today! #it snowed and I wanted to sleep in and so I reset my alarm but then my phone didn't get plugged back in and it died! #I slept through all my work day and woke up feeling quite refreshed to find several politely displeased messages from my boss #unfortunate! #I did sleep incredibly well though. better than I have in maybe a year #anyway my kitchen is clean again finally and my plants probably will not die and I have done quite a lot of frantic report-building for wor #and I'm going to sleep again now to nap for a few hours so I can be awake for real worktime tomorrow and apologize! unfortunate!!!! #love this song though. very soothing to croon. baked lovely brownies to this song while fretting tonight and it did help #edit: I'm awake and I've written out my apologies and Jo is here and purring so so loud #and I woke up with a different Jimmy Buffett song stuck in my head #Coast of Carolina is the one I was humming when I went to bed #but I've woken up with 'The Wino and I Know' which is also a fabulous song and which also did play as I made my sadness brownies #'just like a fool when those sweet goodies cool / I eat til I eat way too much #cause I'm livin on things that excite me / be they pastry or lobsters or love #I'm just tryin to get by / bein quiet and shy / in a world full of pushin and shovin #and the wino and I know / the pain of back bustin / like a farmer knows the pain / of his pickup truck rustin #strange situation / wild occupation / livin my life like a song' #a later edit: my lovely apology message has been left on read. unfortunate!!!!!!!! I do keep laughing though

[non-un-topo]

Too busy and too many health issues to be able to be involved in fandom events and exhanges, free enough to be part of the family secret santa 😔

#im actually sad lol #what am i gonna get my partners aunt...? i know what she likes but still #feeling very woe is me right now because i might have gotten covid from my partner #woke up feeling like a horse kicked me in the face #aaannnnd i have 8 assignments + readings #im missing support group today because of this 😭😭😭 #basically im great!

[keeps-ache]

woke up with the feeling that 'something has been irreversibly changed'

#just me hi #which doesn't make any sense because i didn't really do anything yesterday lol #but then i got hit with that very accepting 'so this must be' feeling so i have No idea what's going on with my internals hfvsfhaj #though i Have been feeling odd‚ maybe it's turned over #i dunno! feelings are like magic is so many ways #/maybe that's why people like to tie it to Actual magic. something physical #because it's a way to see it‚ to understand it‚ to prove to other people it's there #but real magic is very hard to understand and sometimes even to imitate and sometimes people don't like to see it at all #which is sad because it's so pretty‚ and when you feel it in like your actual Body it's wonderful #but it showed how Physically strong you were then you aren't being awful in some way. then you're Scary and Powerful #but that's just awful too. they don't realize it until someone awful does it but they forget everyone else is like that too #i'm having Just Woke Up thoughts bfhvsbhfv #i want to like. just Be but things are kinda complicated you know? #like magic.. #lol! #//anyway #gotta finish this comic for REAL #truly really seriously !! #i'm almost done with the inks and i KNOW i can do it today i can do it i can do it !! #couldn't yesterday (idk why lol) but i Can today so i will :D #do i shall see you again soon! tooooodles

[portokali]

dream diary in the tags

#it was v nostalgic and ahhhhhhh the kind of dream that left me in a haze after waking up #i was me but fused w jo march littlewomen and my family all still lived in our old house #and there was a rich lauriecoded tall blonde neighbor i was besties w #and he was whipped w me but in the dream i knew i didnt reciprocate eventhough im not sure if i knew i was a lesbian or not #but i found it very flattering that he was v eligible but noo he was all for me and in the dream i was fused SPECIFICALLY w the wynona #rider version of jo so you understand. how beautiful i was of course. and i was creative and not really worrying abt the worries of capita #lism and still together w my family all in good relationships vibing enjoying life. woke up and my first thought was #that would be me without any mental illness LMAO #there were 2 scenes i remember distinctly fisrt one scene me and laurie we were in our neighborhood but then we moved to another place #that was kinda like the woods?? and apparently it was a #lumber cutting site or sth?? and there was a lot of logs stacked up and it was v green and wild #kind of a northerner nature than you find in greece so idk where tf in the world that would be #ik 'laurie' was supposed to be from northern europe maybe sweden idk #then we went back to the hosue #and there was a third person cut of 'me' as wynona/jo picking up the mail from the outdoors mailbox #in the snow at night. very cinematic #and there was the fact that the laurie boy was in love w me and me knowing it and feeling sad i couldt reciprocate #and when i woke up i had a followup thought that i wanted us to be like brothers but cant have shit in this econmy #huh what else. thahts all! #dream diary

[earanie]

.

#woke up a 3 am unable to sleep #was awake for god knows how long #4.30 minimum #went back to sleep to a nightmare #geez #and now _they_ have replied #a clever reply if not very eloquent #to which I'll reply something #and then I'm afraid the convo will be officially over #unless they give another topic to talk about #which would be awesome! and would feed my delusions for another week at least! but I'm strongly feeling it's NOT going to happen! #so I'm already sad #bc if it doesn't happen it means 2 things #first of all the convo is over and unless I (pathetically) start it again sometime in the near future #we won't hear from each other for months #and secondly #bc if they don't make an effort to talk to me it's no that good a sign #of the interest #like if they wanted to talk to me as I want to talk to them #they'd keep the convo going somewhat #that's all I'm saying #so I might have totally imagined the perceived interest I felt last month #which of course SUCKS

[baejax-the-great]

So baejax was an actual dude?

😂

Ajax the Greater is a (mostly) mortal man of Greek legend. I started calling him Baejax as a joke.

Whether the cast of the Iliad were actual dudes is up for debate, but their legend has lasted three thousand years and their stories have been told and told over again, so Ajax the character has enough reality conferred to him by collective imaginations that his historical realness isn't important to me.

As a character of legend, I find Ajax fascinating both in his persistence-- it's a name that most people are familiar with even if they don't know anything of his myth (maybe because there is a household cleaner named after him in my country, among other things)-- and in how little people actually know of his story. I find the second part especially interesting because as the second strongest of the Greeks, he was overshadowed at every turn by Achilles, and once Achilles died, rather than rising to the occasion and finishing the assault of Troy, Ajax died immediately after, ignobly.

Now Achilles chose to go to Troy and die in glory in order to gain immortality through epic poetry, and he succeeded in that. We all know his name and some version of the story. Ajax? Not so much. There weren't any prophecies about him, and his death was completely unnecessary and, in my opinion, tragic. I also think most people (including Sophocles) got his death wrong, but it makes sense to me that this overshadowed man's memory would be warped and incorrect because that is what he wanted in the end--to be forgotten.

Ajax's enduring legacy has been his size and his stupidity. He carried a great shield that nobody other than him except Achilles could lift. He was the tallest of the Greeks by an entire head. And he has been called all sorts of names over time, including Shakespeare's "beef-witted."

I've read the Iliad. I've read the play "Ajax." I've read academic papers about him and looked at ancient art, and I simply don't find much evidence supporting him as an imbecile. This seems to me more of a stereotype than anything--big, dumb, friendly man who can't do anything right dies stupidly and needlessly.

He wasn't simple. He wasn't stupid. He was a tragic figure. And for better or worse, I love him.

#he's real to me #listen is this possibly because I come from a family of tall strong people that i feel kinship for someone written off as dumb for being bi #maybe #but also I went on a journey trying to put the pieces together of his life and I just think everyone got his death wrong #I also find it very unfair to say that him losing a verbal battle to odysseus with athena in his ear is a fair fight at all #listen the thing is you need to dig through all the information to learn that Ajax loved Achilles like a brother #and that his death wasn't because he was stupid or disgraced it's because he was fucking sad #unfortunatley the iliad does not make their relationship clear at all and you gotta look at supporting texts and then read between the line #but yeah a man who loves his cousin so much it kills him??? apparently that is a man I will become obsessed with #sometimes I feel like a muse woke up and decided I had to be the one to save this man's reputation #3k years later