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#Xanax 1 mg
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1 megmax
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Patient!Gyutaro x Nurse!Reader - CHAPTER 1
Chapter 2
✦ CW: 18+ MDNI, female reader. Mentions of mental illness, suicide, and sexual abuse of a minor. This fic has many dark themes, please do not read unless you are comfortable!
✦ AN: The long awaited nurse au is finally here! Sorry it took me so long, but I wanted to make sure it was perfect. Lots of thought and research went into making this fic. There will also be art included in this chapter!
✦ WC: 2,146
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This is what you should have expected from a job in the medical field that didn’t require much qualifications. Working at an asylum wasn’t ideal, but they are incredibly desperate for new nurses. As most of them are unable to handle the physical and mental toll that a place like this puts on someone. 
It’s your first day at your new job. You were excited until you entered the building. The dreary interior mixed with the groans and screams of unruly patients wasn’t the welcome that you had been hoping for.
You’re young, almost too young to be working at a place like this. The other nurses didn’t take you seriously, and they were going to make the transition for you more difficult than it needed to be. You were being assigned to a patient that is notorious for being difficult to work with. The other nurses use him to weed out the weak. Always shifting the new hires to care for him. They usually leave within the first week, so his care returns to one of the veteran nurses known for having a mind of steel. She’s cold hearted, but that helps you deal with a job like this. The complete opposite of you. A warm young woman, eager to treat and rehabilitate.
Currently you are being led to your new patient. Quickly scanning over his records as you follow the nurse through the halls of the sanatorium.
Rashomon Riverbank Asylum
Patient Record
Name: Shabana, Gyutaro
Identification Data: Sex: Male Age: 23 Height: 6’ 3” Weight: 134
Race: Asian Hair: Black Eye: Blue
Special Handling Code: Code Red; Keep medicated Special Handling Instructions: Keep away from sharp objects
Medical History: Multiple suicide attempts, Complications due to sickle cell anemia, Treated for Congenital Syphilis
Diagnoses: Sickle Cell Anemia Hutchinson’s Teeth Borderline Personality Disorder Antisocial Personality Disorder Depression Insomnia
Current Medical Treatment: Special diet for weight gain Medications given AM & PM
Medications: Wellbutrin - 100 mg twice daily Abilify - 10 mg once daily Carbamazepine - 350 mg twice daily Xanax - 2 mg twice daily Trazodone - 150 mg once daily Voxelotor - 500 mg once daily Adakveo - 5 mg IV infusion once every 4 weeks
Gyutaro Shabana, your very first patient at Rashomon Riverbank Asylum. Looking over his record, this is going to be a difficult one. You’ve learned about a majority of these diagnoses in college, so you have a good idea about the kind of treatment he will require. It’s strange though, he seems to have lost the genetic lottery. And you haven't even seen his face yet, you can only imagine what he may look like.
An asian man with sickle cell anemia is almost unheard of, roughly 0.0022%. And on top of that he was born with Congenital Syphilis. It’s quite frankly amazing that he’s lived past 20.
“Just introduce yourself, then I’ll take you to your other patients,” the other nurse says as she stops in front of his door. 
Not wanting to be impolite, you hesitantly knock on his door. There’s no response. You figured that there wouldn’t be, so you open the door anyways.
“Hello, Mr. Shabana?” you say coyly.
When you peek into the room, you are instantly frozen by his icy gaze. He’s sitting on his bed with a book in his lap. His cold blue eyes send shivers down your spine.
“I’m um… I’m your new nurse.” you choke out. He’s feet away from you but you feel as though his hands have a tight grasp around your throat.
“My name is Y/N. Um… If you ever need anything d-don’t hesitate to call for me…”
The expression on his face is unchanging, as he remains silent.
“Well I’ll see you later tonight Mr. Shabana…”
Closing the door, breaking the line of sight that he had on you, instantly you feel a surge of relief.
You go on to visit the rest of your patients, then you come back later that night to give Mr. Shabana his dinner. A high protein meal, specifically for weight gain.
Knocking on the door a few times before you push it open, “Mr. Shabana, I have your dinner.”
He’s in the same spot where you left him, sitting on his bed with a book in his lap. But this time he doesn’t even bother to look at you when you enter the room.
Stepping closer to place the food tray on his table, you inspect his appearance. 
His clothes hang off of his frame, enveloping his skeletal body. You can make out lean muscles on his arms, but his face is sunken and his pants hang low on his hips. There are large black marks scattered across his face, and you can barely see one peeking out from below his sleeve. Were these marks from his Congenital Syphilis? Dark circles sit below his eyes, he looks as though he hasn’t slept in weeks.
He’s wearing the standard issue uniform that all patients wear. A plain t-shirt and pants, made of the same material as scrubs. Though his feet are bare, slippers sitting below the edge of the bed. His hair is long and wavy. Black as midnight, unruly in the way it hangs in front of his face. The top of his hair is half haphazardly tied up.
“Got a problem…?” He rasps, drawing out each word.
The venom of his sour tongue sends a jolt of electricity through your skin. 
“Huh?” you’ve been sitting there staring at him for too long, “O-oh! I’m sorry sir! There’s no problem, please enjoy your dinner,” you quickly rush out of the room.
As you continue on giving food to the rest of your patients, Mr. Shabana’s voice echoes through your skull.
Got a problem…? Got a problem…? Got a problem…?
A few hours later, you go back to retrieve the tray and whatever food may have not been eaten. Stopping yourself before you open the door. It’s ok. He’s just a patient. Then why does he make you so nervous?
*Knock knock*
“Hello Mr. Shabana, I’m just here to collect your tray,” you chime, masking your fear with a smile.
Walking back into the dimly lit room, the fluorescent lights flickering. His eyes staring into you.
His food has been untouched. The only thing that was eaten was a packaged cookie.
“Not hungry today?” your voice shakes as you try to ignore his harsh gaze.
He remains silent. Watching you as you step closer. The buzzing of the fluorescent bulbs filling the room, filling your brain with static.
“Was it not to your liking? I can have the cooks make something else for you if you’d like.”
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“...”
Your eyes meet. His thin eyebrows furrow, the rest of his expression remains unchanging. The pressure of his glare makes the air around you feel heavy. Pressing down on you, compressing your spine, you feel so small when he looks at you. You’re desperate to fill the cold aura with some warmth.
“Mr. Shabana you really should eat-”
*CRASH*
He slaps the tray out of your hand, food splattering onto your uniform, dripping onto the floor. 
Silence. You’re stuck staring down at your feet. Watching the pool of meat, vegetables, and milk spread around you. It takes you a few moments to fully process what has just happened, only able to snap out of it when you feel the wetness of the food seeping through your skirt, making you feel cold.
You regret looking up at him. Regret meeting his eyes. Filled with amusement.
“You better clean that up… don’t chu think…?” He smirks. Showing his sharp canines and crooked teeth.
“I-I…” you mumble, looking back down at the mess. He’s right, you should clean it up before it gets everywhere.
Going into the hallway, you grab some towels and return to his room. Not thinking your next actions through as you get down on all fours and start picking up the mess. All you want to do is hurry and clean this up so you can leave. But Mr. Shabana has different plans.
He slowly stands up. Looming over you, looking down on you with a twisted grin. He’s so tall… he makes you feel so small as you look up at him. So pathetic. So worthless.
“You look good down there…” he steps on your hand, “On your knees like a whore…”
His words leave you speechless. Your vision begins to blur and your heart starts to race. He pushes his weight further onto your hand, until you feel a crack.
“I’d like to see you like this more often…” he chuckles, the sound rumbling in his hollow chest.
Every instinct within your body is screaming at you to run. But you feel so trapped. So paralyzed by him. Like a rabbit cornered against a wall by a vicious predator. His eyes. It’s his eyes. No, it's his touch. It’s… everything about him. 
You try to speak up, but your words escape you. Coming out in a pathetic whine that makes his grin widen and his laughter intensify. 
He’s reaching for you. His hand is coming towards your face. Your mind is telling you that if you let him get any closer you will die. He will kill you. And he won’t even care.
Your body is pumped with enough adrenaline for you to break free from the physical and psychological hold he had on you.
Pulling your hand away from under his foot, you push yourself backwards. Stumbling to stand up on your feet. You run out of the room and through the halls, not risking looking back at him. All you hear as you escape is his laughter on repeat. You can’t tell if his laughter is echoing through the halls, or if it has just been ingrained into your mind.
You keep running until you get back to the nurses quarters and to your room. 
Tears running down your cheeks, food staining your clothes, and pain throbbing in your hand. You collapse on the floor and cry.
Why would he be so cruel? You understand that he’s a patient and has a list of mental illnesses, but you were trying to help him! You can’t even remember what you were doing or why you were in his room. All you remember is him and how he made you feel. His stare. His voice. His touch. 
Fuck him and fuck this job.
Clambering over to your desk, you immediately start writing your resignation letter.
You don’t get paid enough for this shit. All you wanted to do is help people, and you get repaid with this? It’s just not worth it. Through your sobs, your tears fall onto the page as you hastily move your pen on the piece of parchment in front of you.
There. It’s done. You’re done.
You won’t have to see this place, see him, ever again once you submit this letter.
Looking around your desk, searching for an envelope. You come across a thick manilla folder. The tab on the side reads, Shabana, Gyutaro.
Something compels you to open it. You already skimmed through his information, but you never looked at everything here.
His psychiatric notes? From his psychiatrist? These shouldn’t be in here… you shouldn’t have access to this confidential information.
But if you’re leaving anyways… then there’s no harm. Right?
Shabana, Gyutaro - Dr. Hantengu
August 14
Childhood trauma starting since birth
Single mother, no father
Raised as a female. Mother would dress patient as a daughter. Would cover up his deformities with makeup. (Feelings of worthlessness, not belonging)
Sister born at age 6 (turning point in patient’s life)
Mother cast aside patient for sister. (When he learned he was actually a boy. Feeling of confusion. Child cannot comprehend)
Sexual abuse started at age 10
Mother was a prostitute, would offer children to adult clients.
 Patient record, “She would bring men into our house… and let them touch us. (long pause) They wanted my sister. They wanted to do bad things to her. So I… (patient gets upset) I would offer myself to them. I would perform sexual acts for them so they would leave Ume (sister) alone.”
Sexual abuse continued until age 15
Mother died of overdose. The children were left in the home for over a week until someone found them.
Children taken to orphanage. 
Patient held in orphanage for 8 months until incident.
Brought to Asylum at age 16
End of first session 
You are left speechless. 
Reading his records reminds you of why you wanted to be a nurse in the first place. To help people that have gone through trauma such as this. He didn’t lash out at you because of something you did. It’s not your fault. And it isn’t his either. He just needs help. 
And you will be the one to help him.
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pendragon-writes · 10 months
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Cold Truths
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Chapter 4
Chapter 6
The two men walked with Captain Gregson as he explained the situation. As they stepped further into the house they spotted the small pool of blood and the body of Peter Saldua being rolled out in a body bag. "Watch the blood splatter." The Captain said as he pointed to the blood. He guided them further into the house, pointing towards the ring box. "We found the ring box from Amy Dampier's home, right here." (Y/n) walked a bit closer to inspect it, before the detective from yesterday spoke to him. "Turns out Mantlo and his wife used the florist Saldua worked for." (Y/n) looked at the photos of Amy that were hanging on the wall as he continued to listen to the detective. "They order fresh flowers to the house once a week. Saldia was the guy who delivered them." "Explains why she would have let him in the other night."
"What happened over there?" (Y/n) asked, gesturing with his head towards the fallen washing machine. "Mixed his colors with his whites?" Detective Javier Abreu said. "Who knows, guy was a nut bar." (Y/n) changed his interest to evidence number 3, which was just a phone charger with no phone. "Did you already take his phone?" He asked, turning to the Captain. "It hasn't turned up yet, but it will," Gregson explained, leaving the kitchen to look at other things and perhaps talk to the other detectives, allowing (Y/n) the space he needed to investigate.
The consultant looked at the pantry with slight confusion before turning to the sink and grabbing the pill bottle that rested next to the other medication. The bottle read 'Xanax', with it being 1 mg. Whilst (Y/n) was doing that Steven walked over to the photos of Amy, slightly creeped out at the thought that the poor woman was being stalked. "You wanted to be the one who found him, didn't you?" Steven asked. (Y/n) put the pill bottle back before responding. "I don't do what I do for the credit."
"Then why do you do it?" He asked, turning to look at him as (Y/n) leaned against the sink. (Y/n) didn't respond as he adverted all eye contact and left the kitchen. Steven sighed to himself as he looked at the photos, wondering if he went too far.
°��°。°。°。°。°。
"I would like to thank the police, again, for finding the man who killed my wife," Harrow said into a microphone, (Y/n) and Steven were now back at the house as (Y/n) watched the interview, sitting on the floor cushion with his arms resting on his knees. Steven walked in holding a laptop as he went to the table covered in files and papers. "She had her mole removed when she changed her look." (Y/n) said, still looking at the walls of photos, most of which being of Amy. Steven glanced at the photos before turning to the man. "It doesn't make any sense. She loved that mole." Steven sat at the other table as he also looked at the photos. "Before her surgery, she turned her head to feature it, whenever her picture was taken."
"Where'd you get those photographs?" Steven asked, opening up his laptop. "I reached out to Amy's friends via her Facebook page." Steven was about to say something but decided not to. "Harrison Polk was right. She was as beautiful before her surgery as she was after, so… why bother. What was the point?" He said, as he stood up, walking towards Steven, who was currently reading through something. "Another thing. Saldua's phone records indicated he used his call phone constantly." He said, placing the papers with the information next to Steven's laptop.
"And yet, three days ago, he just stopped. Didn't make a single call. Didn't send a single text. Why?" He then showcased another paper. "His bank statements meanwhile, there's several checks made out to Dr. Ronald Jessup, Psychologist. He seems worth talking to, no? No?" He asked, his voice slightly faster than before, leaving the question rhetorical as he immediately answered. "No, 'cause he dropped dead of a coronary, in 2010." Steven stood up from his chair to look at the consultant.
"The Amy Dampier case is over. You helped solve it." He said, trying to calm the man. "No." "Something's off. I can feel it." He argued softly, looking at the photos. The noises of the printer caused him to look away. "What's that?" He asked, looking at Steven. "I got us tickets to the opera tonight," Steven responded with a grin. "Celebrate." (Y/n) just looked at him in confusion, slightly biting his lower lip. "When your father hired me, he mentioned something about you liking it, so I thought-"
(Y/n) scoffed in amusement at that, dropping his hands down, and walking past him. "I went to Le Grande Macabre once when I was nine, now I'm a buff." (Y/n) said loudly, walking into the small kitchen, and looking through the pantry for a snack. Steven sighed at this and began to talk. "I'm worried about you." "I think you're making things more complicated than they really are." (Y/n) didn't respond as he grabbed what he was looking for and walked past him again. "and it tells me that you're really struggling."
"No struggle with anything." (Y/n) grumbled out. "Or haven't you been paying attention for the last few days?" "I've been right about everything." "Actually you haven't," Steven said. "The day we met you deduced that I gave up being a surgeon to become a companion because I had lost someone close to me." "The truth is…" (Y/n) interrupted Steven before he could finish, sitting on his chair at the table.
"The truth is that you made a mistake during a surgery that cost a patient his life." He said, turning his head to look up at him. Steven looked away from him as a result. "It takes years of study to become a surgeon, not to mention tremendous ego." He explained, slightly talking with his hands. "Surgeons don't just leave to become addict-sitters. They're forced out. And they're only forced out if they commit the sin of malpractice." Steven looked at him with an unreadable expression as he continued to listen to him. "I knew it would be a sore subject so I made up the bit about your friend to spare your feelings." "That was very big of you," Steven said. "How do you know the patient died?" He asked.
"How do you know I didn't just leave him paralyzed or in a coma?" (Y/n) squeezed his fists on the table slightly, before slamming the table and standing up. "The parking ticket! The one you had in your bag." He walked past him as he said this stopping for a moment and sighing, turning around to face him. "You incurred it two weeks ago near the corner of 86th and Third." "The only thing there is Carver Cemetery. Obviously, you were visiting a grave." "Not a parent's grave, of course. Google indicates that they're both alive and well." "Siblings? No. Carver is a pauper's field. The picture that you keep on your phone of Mum and Dad says that they're well-to-do. No siblings of yours would be interred in a place like that." "The place doesn't even have a proper parking area, hence the ticket. So…" Steven turned to look at him, (Y/n) still continued to talk.
"A surgeon who's no longer a surgeon, a parking violation incurred outside a poor man's cemetery, and two parents who are as moneyed as they are alive. You add it all up. What does it say?" he asked rhetorically. "You were visiting the grave of the man that you let die on your operating table." He finished softly. Steven looked at him, his lips pursed. "It's so incredible, the way that you can… solve people just by looking at them."
"I noticed you don't have any mirrors around here." (Y/n) blinked at this before responding. "And what's that supposed to mean?" "It means you know a lost cause when you see one." He said before walking past him, leaving (Y/n) to his thoughts. "Tomorrow I'll arrange for a new companion, but tonight I got plans." He said, grabbing his laptop and leaving. (Y/n) glanced at him before looking at the wall, swallowing a lump in his throat.
Taglist: @god-complex-12
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riverdalepolycule · 6 months
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1) pop 1.50 mg of Xanax
2) put veep on the pirating site
3) connect laptop to TV
4) shut out all other sources of light
5) lay the FUCK down
6) wait until you feel better or pass out whichever comes first
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opioidowykoneser · 7 months
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tell me skad masz takich lekarzy .. tyle co szukalem i zaden zawssze na nie
Powiem tak imiona i nazwiska lekarzy z wiadomych względów podać ci nie mogę, ale coś ci mogę trochę poopowiadać np. Jak zacząłem brać kodeinę, to nie latałem po różnych aptekach zdarza mi się też jeszcze, że zażyję kodeinę i wdety idę do swoich zaprzyjaźnionych aptek i kupuję np. 3 opakowania Thiocodinu 16 tabletek i 2 opakowania 10 tabletek, czyli łącznie za jednym razem 1020 mg kodeiny, a przepis pozwala na sprzedaż maksymalnie 240 mg kodeiny na 1 osobę później, jak zacząłem brać tramadol, to znalazłem sobie lekarza, który mi przepisywał za 100 zł takie opakowanie Tramalu, jaki chciałem, więc skończyło się na tym, że w domu miałem Tramal Retard 200 mg 50 tabletek, Tramal 50 mg 20 kapsułek, Tramal krople 96 ml i Tramal ampułki 100 mg/2 ml i właśnie też, dlatego mój pierwszy raz dożylnie to był Tramal w ampułkach, a z kolej benzo też ten sam lekarz przepisuję mi Xanax, Clonazepam TZF, Sedam czy Relanium później od niego zacząłem też brać DHC Continus 90 mg, czyli dihydrokodeina, czyli mocniejsza wersja kodeiny w skrócie świetny lekarz kiedyś zapytałem go, czy jest możliwość wystawienia recepty na OxyContin 80 mg lub MST Continus 200 mg powiedział, że tak i koszt takiej recepty to 400 zł za jedno opakowanie po prostu piszę do niego, że potrzebuję OxyContin 80 mg i robię mu blika i po 5-20 min dostaję kod recepty na SMS, jak mam mało kasy tak jak ostatnio, to z kolej mam drugiego lekarza, który za 119 zł przepisuję mi OxyDolor, ale w najmniejszej dostępnej dawce, czyli 5 mg to samo z MST Continus 10 mg i na tej samej zasadzie piszę do niego i robię blika i otrzymuję kod myślałem ogólnie, że w chuj się zmieni po nowej ustawie, która weszła 2 sierpinia, która ma ograniczyć zdalne wystawianie recept na środki odurzające i psychotropowe, ale żadnych zmian nie odczułem, więc po prostu znalazłem lekarzy, o których nawet nigdy mi się nie śniło ogólnie jak człowiek dobrze poszuka to jest pełno takich lekarzy co za kasę wszystko zrobią :)
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stevemedsstuff-blog · 9 months
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nathank77 · 14 hours
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3/28/24
6:33 a.m Updated/Added to/Edited
I wrote a bunch about Elise down below... I've got to assume if she's reading my blog she has an account. I wrote a few essays for her.
Anyways, I also got the Coq10 I just got it from Walmart. With more soft baby tooth brushes, Mouthwash and 2 glasses cases. The second set I ordered never came so I got refunded and got a 5$ coupon and good news, my ray bans actually fit in them. I'm sure the Oakley will too. They are lined in soft frabic so I don't have to wrap them. So having extras make sense.
I also started atorvastatin 10mg today. And once the Coq10 10mg comes in I'll start that (finding them in 10mg pills was hard. They weren't available in that dose in stores which is why I made another Walmart purchase over 35$ to avoid shipping).
I'm excited for my stuff especially my Oakley glasses.
Beyond that, I did some research on what benzos were covered under my insurnace which i talk about below and I found out Tepezza is not covered by them..... but I know my doctors will fight for it and it will be it's like 16k for the infusion. I know my endo will fight my insurance on it.
Beyond all this, I made a decision. I looked up what benzo were covered under my insurnace. Absolutely nothing I wanted.. Doctors can fight for it but she won't and i know that. so I guess I won't be lying. And I'll just accept the good thing i have. I could have worse side effects. Renewable Xanax is not an easy thing to get. She trusts me. So yea. I'm going to do my research but for now I'll stay on Xanax and forgo a psychiatrist. Here is my research: I've been a busy bee 🐝
1)Halcoin Sleep/Tablet/ no Weight gain/ no water retention/ .5 mg is equivalent to 1 mg of xanax, I'd need to be percribed 2, .25mg a night for sleep.
Not covered by Insurance
-ideal minus lack of coverage
2) Quazepam anxiety/Tablet/no Weight gain/no water retention/ 15MG is equivalent to 1MG of Xanax.
Not covered by Insurance
-Ideal minus lack of coverage
3) Temazepam Sleep/capsule/no Weight gain/no water retention/20-30mg is equivalent to 1MG of xanax, I'd need to be percribed 30mg of temazepam to have it be equivalent.
Covered by insurance
-Ideal but not tablet problematic
4) Diazepam anxiety/tablet/Weight gain 10 months/no water retention/ 10MG is equivalent to 1MG of xanax, I'd need a 10MG tablet to have it be equivalent to my 1MG of Xanax.
Weight gain after 10 months of use.
Covered by insurance
-Not ideal cause of weight gain
5) Lorazepam Anxiety/Sleep/Tablet/no Weight gain/no water retention/2MG equivalency to 1MG of Xanax
2-3MG for Insomnia
Covered by Insurance
-Ideal for long term Insomnia use maybe the one? It needs more research on my end.
6) Clonazepam Panic disorder/Anxiety/Insomnia/Tablet/ Weight gain and/or Loss/No water Retention/.5MG equivalent to 1MG
-.5 starting dose for insomnia
Covered by Insurance
-cant find much Insomnia research especially for chronic use/Not ideal
7) Estazolam Insomnia/Tablet/ Weight gain or loss/ Rare edema/ 2MG equivalency to 1MG.
-1MG Starting dose for insomnia.
Not covered by Insurance
-Not ideal bc of edema and lack of coverage
8) Clobazam Seizures/tablet/Weight gain/Rare Edema/20MG equivalency to 1MG of Xanax
-doesn't seem to be used for sleep
Covered by Insurance
-NOPE
9) Chlordiazepoxide anxiety/capsule/Weight gain/Edema/25MG equivalency to 1MG Xanax
Covered by insurance
-NOPE
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2/28/2024
12:55 a.m
I met with the psychiatrist and she completely wasted my time. She was pushing antipsychotics and anticholinergics as well as antidepressants. I told her I wasn't depressed. I told her that my hallucination was getting better by the month/week. Even if the progress is minimal. Its still a huge difference from the beginning and even December. I feel like since I've been on methimazole it's better slowly getting better.
Idk if methimazole will fix it but I explained to her that it has for one patient. She didn't seem to care she just kept saying you're not willing to take what I'm willing to percribe. Then she asked me if I wanted her to send in a Xanax script. I declined cause that'll mess up my entire script with prohealth and then they won't perscibe me it.
I was and am fucking pissed bc I wasted one of my 3 appts this week talking to her to have her open up old wounds and not listen to a word I was saying... she didn't care that psychosis actually does stop one day and that I said I can manage my symptoms and they are improving.
She even went to ask me what my birth gender was 3 times. It could have been shock as I pass extremely well but she asked me my deadname which is Tran 101 never do it... so yea it went horribly...
Now I called 2 other psychiatrist and left messages telling them politely but firmly I'm not taking antipsychotics, anticholinergics or antidepressants and if they won't replace Xanax with a comparable benzodiazepine to not bother calling me back. I explained that I saw a psychiatrist and that's why I didn't hit them back up, but she wasted my time and if they are going to do the same thing I'd rather just attend my talk therapy sessions and stay with my PCP.
I doubt they'll call back but I got to be firm bc it was a waste of my time and I lost a session with Erin this week bc of it. Beyond that I didn't get what I wanted and my tongue is never going to get better. I can't get prohealth to give me something comparable to Xanax 1 mg... but at least they are reliable and I get it when I need it and she will percribe it to me forever so long as I don't ask for more or a higher dose which I won't cause I don't need it. Unfortunately my black hairy tongue will never heal.
Hopefully one of the places I called will treat me for insomnia the primary and only reason I am seeking a psychiatrist... I might hit up a sleep specialist. So long as I don't accept a prescription, I won't lost prohealths prescription..
I am worried that if one of them do call they'll give me one of the better insomnia benzos and then try to force me on antipsychotics and anticholinergics or try to switch it for trazadone. Maybe my tongue doesn't matter. I mean it does but sleeping is pivotal for my recovery. It won't actually stop me from hallucinating at all but if I don't sleep I can get sleep deprivation psychosis. I could be hallucinating for the next 7 years with 7 hours of sleep a night... that's the thing but sleep is still important. I won't recover bc of it but I won't kill myself if I can sleep every night and I'm continue to fight.
The voice bringing up Kristen last night really fucked with me. This psychiatrist really pissed me off cause I could have gotten something out of Erin. Not meds but someone who wasn't needlessly cruel and useless.
I hope one of them contact me and say yea benzos are used for insomnia so of course we will perscribe you one. If they don't i guess I'm going to lie to a few new psychiatrists and say my symptoms are almost completely resolved. I'm going to say I hear happy birthday 3-5 times a day since methimazole. And since February the frequency dropped down significantly but those 3 days without Xanax I only slept 4 hours on the 48 hour mark.
Unfortunately when you have psychosis every doctor in America would rather treat your hallucination than look at another alignment as something separate. She kept yammering on about treating the primary cause...
I've always had issue sleeping. I took benadryl and used weed for years... once the weed was gone it got awful. So the primary issue is separate from the hallucination. It doesn't fucking help but it also isn't the primary problem. The primary problem is i need a insomnia drug aka a benzodiazepine to help me fall asleep and stay asleep.
So I'll just lie and say I'm recovering very quickly. How can they say take an antipsychotics and anticholinergic if I only hallucinate 5 times a day... some might still push but that's the thing. My next few emails I won't even bring up the word psychosis or hallucination. If they ask questions about depression or suicide I'll say never. I'll write in caps I won't take antidepressants. I fucking can't stand that antidepressants are the fucking bandaid for all psychological issues. I don't even have depression.
My mood is low cause I hallucinate constantly but depressed? I think not. My gaming channel and my motivation to keep it updated and my love for myself. My constant ruthless struggle says otherwise. It's normal to feel less happy when you're being tortured by a hallucination...
Either way I'm either going to lie to these two places or hit up new psychiatrists for a change from Xanax to another one. If that doesn't work Maybe I'll try a slept specialist. If that doesn't work I'll stay with Julia. Maybe a reliable sleep specialist will be better. Psychiatrists are notiously unreliable. They are notoriously trying to get you on as many psych meds as they can.
If I let this stupid bitch do what she wanted she would have gave me Xanax prob once. And Gave me antipsychotics, anticholinergics and antidepressants. That's the fucked part and I would have lost my script to prohealth.
I'm sick of fighting doctors just for the ability sleep. A sleep specialist may be the best route but idk if they will give me a benzo either they are last resort...
The dumb bitch was totally fine trying to get me on sedative hypnotics though, you know the drug that ruins your sleep cycles permanently and makes you hallucinate..and give you night terrors and make you sleep walk!
It's so fucked that doctors would rather endanger you than give you a fucking benzodiazepine for sleep. I'm thankful for Prohealth but I wish she would switch it for temazepam 15 mg but there is nothing i can do. At least they didn't force me to jump up to sedative hypnotics when I refused antidepressants.
Anyways I went to the support group today it was nice talking to people. They said I should lie to get what I needed to put myself first.
The hallucination seems a little less intrusive today. We will see if that continues its hard to describe something with no volume level that is nearly constant.
The issue with lying is I got to keep my story straight for my endo. My pcp. And my psychiatrist or sleep specialist when the times comes...
I can be honest with my therapists at least but I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass I doubt it will though.
Insomnia can be a fucking separate issue from hallucinations.. also I can ask them to not report the frequency at least...
It drives me crazy that doctors treat me differently. Yea i have psychosis but i only have one symptom. Beyond that it really is improving. Not as much as I'm going to lie about but it is drastically improving. At least from the start point.
My focus level matters more and more. I was masterbating and it was oddly silent eveytime I thought about it though it was reactivated which is why when I report Kristen It's pertinent to bring up ocd voices. Im not the only person in the group who thinks about it and makes it happen. It's just part of it..
I've been trying to cope with Kristen cause I was closing my eyes too long last night and when the voice said it it effected me bc of microsleep.... that's the problem...
I can't report her until I can handle the outcome of her potentially losing nothing and my suffering being nothing more than a slap on the hand... I can't do it while I'm hallucinating at this frequency bc it will crush me. I actually have to wait until it's either completely gone or so infrequent that it isn't really a thing but the issue is I'm scared if I do it even when it's infrequent it will like reactivate it.
At least if I stop hallucinating I can handle the outcome bc my hallucination has ended.
I know it's not depression with psychotic features. I know it's not schizophrenia or schizoaffective or schizotypal. I know I don't have bipolar- speaking of this bitch was so fixated on do you experience mood swings it was ridiculous. She wanted to drug the fuck out of me. No I don't have mood swings.. but either way I know it's not borderline either.
It's very obviously psychosis. Yet I cannot handle my mood plumet if Kristen gets a slap on the wrist. While I struggle to sleep, and survive every single day. Depression isn't going to develop but what if Kristen gets away with it and I get depressed about it and it makes it even slightly worse..... that's the problem.
I guess she's going to get paid for a while for being negligent. I could win the case but it's not in my hands.
So I'm just going to start closing my eyes for 5 minutes at a time before max effectiveness and play solitaire until I fight my eyes... I'm going to take a 1 mg tonight at 5 and close my eyes at 7 a.m. I'll try in little intervals before 7...
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psychedelicmadness666 · 5 months
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My favorite drugs
1. LSD
2. Ketamine
3. Marijuana
4. Xanax
5. DXM
LSD have done 6 times and it was fucking awesome and scary because it enhanced my schizophrenia but fuck me was it fun. Listening to the Beatles (Sgt. Peppers), Pink Floyd (Piper at the Gates of Dawn and entirety of the Dark Side of the Moon)Daft Punk's Discovery, the Bomberman Hero OST, Fatboy Slim's You've Come a Long Way, Baby on loop for 3 hours while cleaning my car watching the mountains melt and make weird shapes, some songs of Outkast, and Tyler, the Creator after coming down off the acid. I even drove to Salt Lake City while high on acid at 1 in the morning while coming down on acid. Don't do this. it's cool but stupidly dangerous. I'm a fucking retard for it. I LOVE LISTENING TO Santana's Black Magic Woman and their live performance of Woodstock just so I can feel Carlos Santana's wackiness on the guitar while coming up on the acid. I'll miss my psychedelic experiences :(
2. Ketamine is FUCKING crazy. It feels like you are in an alien spaceship while being disintegrated into small atoms. 90 mg of IM ketamine was INTENSE and made me flip balls. Listening to music is just a weird sound. Everything sounds robotic and slow. Listen to Around the World by Daft Punk and it doesn't sound the same while on ketamine. I don't even recall how much times I tried ketamine. A therapist recommended me it and I did the ketamine therapy. They give you a pair of headphones and a room to chillax in there. I didn't even have a therapist being there. Just me, myself and I. Amazing but then I started hearing voices after when it wore off. I started hallucinating screaming of a woman being kidnapped by Ted Bundy. I had to stop taking it afterwards. So, long fucking story short I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder.
3. Marijuana. Ah, the sweet mary jane. I am a huge fucking pothead. I love it but hate it at the same time. I waste money on it but I love feeling alright until the high waves of paranoia and delusions come by. I heard the screaming again and the same delusion of someone being in trouble. This time I thought someone was getting raped because I heard "PLEASE STOP" and crying. It was crazy. The edibles fucked me over. I took like 50 mg of edible gummies and then constant hits of the dab cart. I had delusions about the Chinese government trying to invade my data and communicated with me through a microchip installed. Also, I would get extreme anxiety. But for some reason I would smoke a shit ton because my art would look cool on it. Also, food on it. Amazing. I could eat a pizza.
4. Xanax. Kills the anxiety. I'm a nervous person. I feel sober, NOT. I hate that feeling, only to want more. Munching like mf like mj. I guess that's about it.
5. DXM. I hate this shit but I have tried other drugs like Adderall, Vicodin, Kloponin, Alcohol, Nicotine, Codeine, and LSA. I hate them all. The most being Adderall. Nothing but anxiety, restlessness, and loss of appetite. DXM was somewhat fun. I tried it twice. Everything just feels so fucking weird and fast. I felt like a robot. My body was leaving its soul. 5/10.
Don't do drugs. If you do, do MaryJane and LSD. Make sure not to have the schizo or bipolar.
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glanzapotheasjcke13 · 6 months
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