#YES I am aware this is a surface level gender take

[cock-holliday]

the tumblr aita page keeps getting asks mentioning transandrophobia and while the vote tends to swing in a direction implying most people think transandrophobia is real the notes are... really, really hateful. it's stressful. until now i could mostly keep away from the Discourse if i wanted, retreat into a bubble of people who don't post politics. now things are bleeding out. ik this is a step towards awareness but it's made me feel really unsafe.

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this. I, unfortunately am not really a source of escaping politics. I think you’re right that more conversation is reflective of greater awareness, but that yes, it comes at the toll of backlash. I suppose I would recommend not looking in the notes and seeking out likeminded folks to insulate better against flak.

Transmisogyny as a term has only entered discourse since 2007 so it’s a fairly new term in the scheme of things. Transandrophobia as a term was coined only in 2015(?) I believe, which is extremely recent. Transandrophobia also has the disadvantage of not yet being in a book/wider publication, although the term coiner is working on one and I am excited to read it. Said coiner also had the disadvantage of a smear campaign, making even those who identified with the word unsure if they can use it due to the association.

Whatever term you use, transandrophobia, transmisandry, anti-transmasculinity, the concept exists.

I think one of the worst pieces of dialogue to enter the transphobia conversation is the TMA/TME dichotomy. I’ve never seen any oppressed group come up with a term to say that other oppressed people are by extension incapable of experiencing this type of oppression. The use of the terms automatically makes me take you less seriously, and is frankly a laughable concept.

There are countless examples across identity groups that suggest that even privileged groups can be the target of ‘misdirected’ bigotry if something about their identity diverts from expectations. Feminine straight boys attacked for being ‘gay.’ Indian men attacked for being ‘muslims.’ Latinos of any kind attacked for being ‘Mexican.’ Rejection of othered identities, political vengeance, blind bigotry—there are so many ways people from the out group can be attacked even though they do not hold the attacked identity. Hell, even cis women can experience transmisogyny—especially GNC women—because bigotry does not ever solely rely on your actual identity, it relies primarily in how you are perceived.

I used to have really stunted ideas about transphobia. Only cis-passing trans people were in public discussion. Trans men were transitioning INTO male privilege and trans women were transitioning AWAY from it. So if your gender politics stop at Baby’s First Gender Analysis then sure, that’s the end of the conversation. But it isn’t.

Trans people don’t have gendered privilege across the board over one another. Because they are all trans. They can absolutely wield other intersections over one another. But the “most” we can do is lateral aggression to each other. Even splitting the divide along misogyny is unhelpful for the myriad of ways trans men also experience misogyny. As I’ve said before, either transmisogyny is the intersection of transphobia+misogyny in which case it is possibly applicable to all trans folks, or it is specific to trans women’s experience and it is identity-based, in which case transmasculine identity needs a word for the attacks on them. For what it’s worth, trans women also experience anti-masculinity like trans men experience misogyny, and this word, if NOT identity-based, wouldn’t be an exclusive term othering trans women either, so there shouldn’t be offense taken either way.

I think there are a couple key things at play here. One of the first is a surface level understanding of privilege. There is absolutely no question that cis-passing trans men who are treated like men have in that moment male privilege. But it’s not wholly cis privilege. Cis men have male privilege because they were assigned male, that term fits, and they are seen as men. Even that is not always a given, and straying in your performance of maleness can get you backlash. But no matter how well a trans man passes he isn’t cis. If it comes up over his records, if it comes up over genitalia during sex, if it comes up over reproductive healthcare, even the most cis-passing trans man’s identity is still in question. The assumption that a trans man IS cis can even be unsafe in medical emergencies. Many trans men don’t know how to find contraceptive for their bodies or know how to recognize pregnancy or health emergencies due to their variance from cis women. The privilege is limited, it is conditional, and the condition isn’t about correctly viewing them as men, it is in incorrectly viewing them as cis.

Likewise, I know it is such a dirty topic because people’s grasp of privilege means “your life is roses and this identity is what you want” but it’s even possible and in fact likely for a trans women to have experienced male privilege too. Especially for folks who come out later in life, it is likely that despite your wishes, you were viewed and treated as a man. Maybe your opinions were listened to more, maybe an M on your license let you have a bank account when your cis female friends couldn’t, maybe your name was read on a job application and you got picked before someone with a girl name. All of these things are privileges but they are also extremely conditional. Not only does it make an incorrect assumption about you, but it misgenders you. Any closeted trans woman could tell you how painful it is to be forced to remain hidden. For many, the deep fear of losing things you’ve accumulated keeps people closeted longer. These circumstances are not at all your fault—these perceptions are wrong whether they give you some benefit or not. But it is part of the equation, and understanding privilege as the correct or incorrect assumption and special treatment in a specific instance is crucial for understanding how it is relevant to trans men.

Because if you are not cis-passing, you do not have male privilege. If you are not seen in a space as a man, and specifically a cis man, you are not gaining privilege. Out trans men can still achieve levels of privilege, but will not be viewed as cis. They are automatically in some other gender category—and in a society that loves its binaries, they are going to find their ‘other’ gender as shoved into the cis man or cis woman box—both incorrect for various reasons and both causing some level of harm.

One of the other biggest pitfalls of trans discourse is accepting ra/d/fe/m views on masculinity. I’ve written about it before but larger society views femaleness and female femininity as inferior (with the caveat that if you perform it well you may be mildly rewarded for conformity), but it also doesn’t wholly view masculinity as good. In white cishet male masculinity sure! In Black men, their masculinity is a threat. Does that mean Black men are rewarded for femininity? Absolutely not. There’s no winning. Either you fail to be what’s expected, or you are demonized, or the secret third thing where you abandon one piece of identity in favor of the identity that can bring you closer to privilege. There’s no question that Black men can wield misogyny, turning on Black women, and gain favor in white male spaces. But no matter how much they lean into that, it doesn’t make them white. Trans men can lean into misogyny and turn on trans women and cis women and gain a level of privilege, but they will never be cis.

There is often debate about who has privilege over whom when comparing cis women and trans men. The answer is assumed to be trans men on top always, because they are men. The reality is that they only generally hold a higher level of privilege when they are assumed to be cis men. As soon as their trans status is known, cis women can and do weaponize their cis status to oppress trans men. By viewing “male/female” as the ultimate axis of identity power, we completely ignore they way that other factors hold much more weight in a given conversation and how female identity can weaponize victim status for control. This scenario plays out a lot with the concept of “white woman tears” or the ability for (cis, white) women to wield victimhood as a shield from culpability, encouraging those with power to “save” you from a purported threat. This phenomenon has killed and endangered countless Black men. All this debate about whether cis women can hold power over trans men when white women unquestioningly can hold power over cis men of color. The context of privilege is immensely important.

Both trans men and Black men (and others) are not the intended recipients of male privilege.

Intersectionality was coined as an attempt to understand how various identities one holds intersect with each other and create something new that cannot be separated out. We mostly understand it in intersections of oppressed identities, but cis+white+man is a set of intersections too! A gay man would understandably have his gayness weigh “against” him socially. Now, suppose he is masculine—people don’t tend to view him societally as gay. In this instance his masculinity may protect him. But in queer spaces he is then seen as a threat, an invader. Is it still privilege? I think a lot about how in Paris is Burning, one of the interviewees talked about societal points against you, and he said “Black, gay, and a man.” In his experience, his maleness as a modifier to his other experiences was a strike against him! Not in the implication that women didn’t suffer for their own femininity, but understandably, much of his expression of femininity wouldn’t give him the same sort of flak it did if he was a cis woman. Him being a man was part of his experience of oppression, not the canceling out of it.

Masculinity is treated as the opposite of femininity and implied to always be rewarded. Any cis butch will tell you that’s a lie. As will a trans butch. Butchphobia is an oft-neglected topic in gender discussions. The overlap in experience between cis women butches and trans men is often ignored—either by the need for trans men to understandably try to distance themselves from assumptions of femaleness, or by queer community’s constant forgetting of butches’ existence. The overlap in experience between transfemme butches and transmasc butches is ignored entirely for its implication that “opposite genders” could be the same. A transfemme butch is shoved into one of two categories: either basically a trans woman, or a cis man faking it. Suddenly a category of transfemme is turned on by the larger community, including trans women, for straying outside expected conformity. We turn ourselves into gender cops the way OUR genders were policed.

The trouble for many is, the idea that a transfemme and a transmasc could have the same gender shits on the idea of treating these two categories as diametric opposites. There’s boy trans and girl trans. And because societally it’s good to be a boy and bad to be a girl, and we’re pushing back on that, transfemmes are casting off this yuckiness and choosing purity, and transmascs are joining the dark side. It’s childish analysis, and creates this division where anyone who exists in the grey is a faker or a traitor.

And ultimately what does this help? Transfemmes folding themselves into pretzels to prove they are nothing like men is so damaging, and creates the conditions to cast out transfemmes who don’t fit—after fighting to find acceptance after being cast out for not being cis! And transmascs? They were treated like shit for being women and now either are treated like shit in trans spaces for passing, or treated like shit for not passing—what are THEY supposed to do? Who does this help?

Gender essentialism is a brain rot, gender policing is a disgusting practice, exorsexism is going to destroy the grey area trans folks certainly—but it’s gonna come for the rest of you too.

The inability for people, very much including trans folks, to grapple with the complexities of gender and how it intersects with other identities is not based in logic and does not make you the ultimate victim, it makes you a stunted asshole.

The only way we can move forward is by letting people with direct experience speak to their experience, come up with words to explain that experience, and deconstruct our ideas of gender from binarist, cissexist, intersexist and limited understandings.

#ask #anon ask #long post

[1000punks]

okay, so i think i've cracked the code

on why the girls, gays and theys all really like BG3

the short answer is the subversion of toxic gender stereotypes and the more or less relateable themes that each character has come up in game, or are implied, long answer under the cut

lots of people have been posting about individual (main and supporting) character motivations, yes but i haven't really seen any analyses based on gender and/or romance situations quite yet (please feel free to point me to them, i love discourse) as well, i am well aware that the romanceable characters are scare quotes "player-sexual" for the most part, but some elements of the gendered experience may feel more relateable to certain groups of players than others. i'm going to refrain as much as i can from making moral judgements (in terms of motivations and alignments) because all of these characters are morally complex. let's take it on a case by case basis, starting with the women in the game (minthara isn't included since i haven't done a playthrough with her as a companion yet :'D): Karlach

Karlach seems like this huge butch imo, but from what i can see she has to battle with the touch starved-ness. i guess you could make the argument here that that feeds into a stereotype about stone butches, but i think it presents a very relatable (and honest) representation of how a LOT of queer folks, especially queer non-men, deal with being touch starved. i think one thing that potentially a lot of queer women and femme-identifying folks can relate to is the fear of being "imposing" in wlw relationships. for example, i would say the fear of coming off as "creepy" or "dangerous." and inversely, the feeling of relief when you're assured that that isn't the case. the other thing that comes up, i think, with Karlach is that there's this stigma surrounding masculine women. for one, she towers over everyone else, and she's a barbarian. on the surface level, that can be extremely intimidating, obviously. but playing through her romance, understanding that she is capable of and honestly, exudes tenderness -- and the majority of which being without touching/sexuality, is just... it's really important y'all okay? Shadowheart

my personal favourite thing about Shadowheart and her storyline is that even if she appears very feminine, there is no part of the game that i can see (thus far) that has railroaded her into that stereotype. not even with the armour choices. in my file, the armour i've picked for her "end-game" level 12 armour is the shar justiciar armour she gets in the gauntlet. it's not stereotypically feminine at all. historically in video games, armour that covers everything on a woman's body (i will bring this up re: Lae'zel as well) is uhh.. really fuckin hard to find.

the other thing is while she may be very femme-coded, she doesn't necessarily use "stereotypical" seduction methods in her romance scenes. her first one is sharing wine with you and kissing, that's pretty much it, right? and if you call her beautiful, instead of acting coy, she says "i know." and thanks you for noticing. she doesn't need someone to simper over her and tell her that. she's also never shy about telling you exactly what she wants, whether in a romantic or platonic situation. picasso, i like it. Lae'zel

jesus, what can i start with here? this woman is an extremely skilled fighter, wears heavy armour, wields a fucking greatsword that's bigger than she is, all while being like, 5 feet tall. her first romance scene shows me that she is interested in sex but is primarily concerned with her own pleasure (this can be read in a positive or negative way of course: positive being she is getting hers, and negative being not concerned with her partner's pleasure). not only that but she is not interested in having kids at all, based on in-game dialogue. and like i mentioned with shadowheart, her armour (most of the gith armour options you can put her in, i would guess) are full sets of armour - minus the admittedly a little weird lack of butt coverage on most of the gith plate and half-plate that i've seen her in. uhh, yeah- wow. in a romance, it seems like she fits the "shrew" stereotype, but i argue that for lae'zel, it's more about respecting Tav than it is about swooning over them (and knowing that they're passionate). if she doesn't respect Tav, there's no way she's going to share a bed with them, never mind anything else. that to me, shows a woman who has self-respect, which isn't often something shown so strongly in a video game/media in general especially when it's written by men (which is fucking unfortunate!! i hate it!!) i think this is beaten over our heads as players most blatantly when she challenges you to a fucking duel in act 2 and then if Tav wins she boinks them right in the middle of camp. Jaheira

Jaheira is old enough to have adult children, for one. i know she's an elf, and there's some in-game dialogue that alludes to her having extended her lifespan, etc. but for argument's sake, let's say she's middle aged - she is in friggin' top physical condition. and while during the events of bg3 she is a widow, you think that's gonna stop her from meeting her goals? not only that, but her adventures didn't suddenly stop when she became a mother. there's not much of a romance element to her storyline, but she's definitely biffing off a lot of stereotypes about older women and mothers here.

the men - most of my arguments here are going to come back to the utter lack of hypermasculinity/toxic masculinity:

Wyll

he talks about dancing with you in his first romance scene, not seducing you - in fact, he shares a really chaste kiss and then is like "but now isn't the time to jump into bed, actually." he friggin blushes, because thinking about a romance with you gets him all giddy. the man dances for you. then he goddamn proposes to you like a proper gentleman. he is concerned with family. he's concerned with Karlach's well-being. he's concerned with other people's emotions, and is extremely considerate of them. he's pacted with Mizora, not some unseen super masc devil. Mizora the friggin danger femme. lastly, and i think this is really important: Wyll, regardless of a high-fantasy setting, is a black man. i am well aware that eschewing the many stereotypes of hypermasculinity in regards to black men specifically, cannot be undone with one video game, but i think it does a lot. it could do more, of course - but i feel that Larian made a wholehearted attempt with this specifically.

Minsc

the man is large and very visually "stereotypically masculine," yes, but all of his actions are either influenced by Jaheira or Boo. case closed, your honor. i'm joking. but really, Minsc respects and admires Jaheira intensely as a comrade. and what she thinks seems to matter more to him than his own motivations. that's what made it so easy for the Bhaalist assassins to manipulate him - they just had one person pose as Jaheira. boom.

Halsin

another very visually "stereotypically masculine" man, yes- but i have three things: he's open to polyamory that is represented in the game more or less in a healthy way he's very concerned with consent, both in a monogamous romance or a polyamorous one - this includes the bear scene, he does ask about it before like, barrelling into it (and no i'm not poking that bear any more than i have to in this post) uhh, have you heard him talk to/about Tav? my my. not only that but this man is quite literally built like a bear, yet he is a druid, literally about all things nature. you could make the argument that this subverts the nature/culture; emotion/reason debate as it relates to gendered roles.

Gale

okay so, not only has it been confirmed/alluded to by in-game dialogue that Gale does the cooking for the camp- (specifically by Wyll if i recall correctly), he's also just a fairly forthcoming person with his feelings and insecurities. i know a lot of people have deemed that a bit annoying, but i do think there is some value in it. for example, he is a little self-deprecating about being a bad kisser, but it's his way (especially if you read him as autistic) of saying "hey, i'm insecure about this and i usually spend a lot of time alone in a mother fucking tower in waterdeep." i.e. i don't exactly know how to do this. he's an honest, giving, and kind man, and is just as likely to show you as he is to tell you how his heart and mind function. he wants you to understand him. he's also very idealistic- that of course can be a double edged sword, but i think he comes by it honestly as well. given his background with Mystra. i shouldn't even need to mention it but the way the "with you i forget my goddess" and the "you would really prefer me as i am?" lines wrench my heart- like, okay that's very romantic but he's also (imo) accepting that he, a human man, cannot be perfect. that to me is like anti-toxic masculinity in the sense of accepting that a real relationship is where two people are equals and that it's founded in mutual respect and adoration. not unrequited love and service (especially service).

Astarion

get at me if you want, but this man is in touch with his feminine side. i would personally call him high femme, but that's a little besides the point, he sews, appreciates fashion, yada yada. the next part about him i want to discuss as delicately as possible- he's very forthcoming (once he feels relatively safe and in control of the situation at hand) with his experiences as an ab-se/SA survivor. most men do not have the space to do this, nor are they actively encouraged to share their experiences. and with that, depending on dialogue choices, he wants to cease all intimate contact and go at his own pace. not expecting men to be sexual is kind of big on its own, but given his background, i think it's especially important in his storyline. furthermore, in the spawn!romance stream, he is very explicit about moving forward with Tav as equals.

Raphael

you.. y'all. you already know what i'm going to say regarding the dialogue with Haarlep. i don't really know if i have anything to add besides reiterating that men do not have to be these perfect, virile sexual machines.

Extra Stuff

the emphasis on consent: whether it's in a romance dialogue or if it's the game warning you "you're about to do xyz, are you sure?!"

specifically consent in the romance dialogues though: there are usually 3-4 chances for you as the player to be like "actually, i don't want to do that"

queer couples (npc + npc or pc + companion) are just.. normal. once you get to the lower city you'll hear a ton of ambient dialogue where it will be like "my husband blah blah blah" and you look and it's a gnome and his dragonborn husband standing in the street

uhh, hi larian jumping on the character creator with gender neutral and gender-mixed/mixable options, way to make the player base feel seen. hearing my Tav (Festé) be referred to as "they" in dialogue without issue (especially glaring grammatical ones like i've seen in other games) was really big for me, personally.

openly trans npcs. the defense rests, your honor. okay but imagine my surprise when i hear abigail fucking thorn in a completely missable dialogue scene, where she (the character) talks openly about the fact that she is a fucking trans woman. like.

#baldur's gays #.txt #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #baldur's gate iii #baldur's gate 3 companions

[littlealeta]

Why Catherine Needed Rin

I know a lot of people criticize Full Body for things like its transphobia and the inclusion of Rin. While I do agree that Rin could've been written better in terms of the story, I am not at all mad at the inclusion of Rin and her different personality at all. In a game where everything and everyone is constantly traumatizing and treating the main character like he's the devil, it's nice to have a character that sees past his flaws and anxiety for the caring person he truly is. And that at the end of the day, despite his mistakes, he's just a sad, anxious, traumatized dude who needs a hug and a real friend. Their relationship is honestly really sweet, which made me feel really disappointed that Atlus couldn't include her for the whole Classic route. I mean, imagine Rin comforting Vincent after his breakup and getting beaten by Catherine. She could've been the one to save him from the beating!

Rin is truly the breath of fresh air the game needed. She's such a pure-hearted character that she becomes the only person who Vincent truly feels happy around. We don't see him stutter, yell at, or overall feel uncomfortable around Rin. She is the only person who never yells at or criticizes Vincent. She lets him be himself, even if it may not fit with what other people expect for someone of his gender and age. Vincent does lash out once but it was very minor, he had a lot on his mind, and he apologized afterward.

Rin, in my opinion, made Catherine a slightly better experience. One of the reasons I didn't like Catherine was because everyone in the game is kinda shitty and I especially didn't like all the pressure everyone put on the main character, who was going through a tough time and like me, has trouble making decisions and is possibly autistic.

Everyone else is just horribly written because of how surface-level they feel. They all are selfish and/or whiny jackasses with no rhyme or reason, no self-awareness, and no character development. Vincent is definitely the most complex character in the cast because while he is a selfish, whiny jackass, he has his reasons (his struggle with his toxic relationships and being forced upon while drunk) and he grows as a person. And he's often aware and guilty of how selfish he's being. They try to develop Orlando, but was also implied to already have been a jackass in the past and he brought the emotional damage onto himself by hurting his lover with his bad decision-making, so no sympathy for him there. Also, please be more considerate of your best friend who is going through an extremely horrible life crisis. Erica is definitely bitter and cynical because of the treatment she gets from her friends, but she's also very self-righteous herself and likes to force her own biased morals and feelings onto other people. It also doesn't make sense at all why she would not tell Toby about her gender when the game now takes place in 2019 where there should be less stigma against trans people. Toby is just... a stupid selfish whiny brat. Like dude, you're close to my age and yes I can be whiny and selfish, but not to that extent. Grow up, man. Katherine is just so stupid to me. I know she's trying to be the logical one, but she's just so stupid in her determination to get her lover who she's clearly unhappy with to marry and have a family with her, not understanding that logically, Vincent is not fit for serious relationships let alone with her and she makes no attempts at fixing their relationship. She tends to be unnecessarily nitpicky and bossy toward Vincent even for little things like not getting out of bed while she's SITTING ON HIM. And the Boss is just... a classic power hungry self-righteous dictator, just on a fantasy level. He's the villain so whatever, I guess.

Vincent did not deserve either atherine in the original game because neither were good to him. I theorize that maybe the loved ones he has are in some way responsible for the mess he became. Because I can't imagine having such a toxic community like that around and being acting like my normal nice self to them. I would act a lot worse than Vincent ever has (cheating aside). I think he's way too forgiving how he still keeps these fake ass "friends" around that constantly tells him how much he sucks because he can't make decisions and runs away from conflict and act like Katherine is an angel who Vincent should stick with despite their obvious communication issues. Yes, Vincent has flaws, but I would not want to be around someone who's constantly treating me like I'm the worst person ever and pressuring me to make decisions faster.

If you think Vincent is an evil person or that he deserves everything he gets, shut up and have these pictures of Rin and Vincent being sweet together.

#catherine full body #catherine game #vincent brooks #vincent x rin #katherine mcbride

[gayvampiresforever]

I feel like I never really got over my "I'm a tomboy let me do boy's things" phase it's just that now I know gender is Not That Simple so if it seems like it's mostly dudes enjoying the beyblade tournament I just ignore that fact.

#i miss when I was little and ppl would share their beyblades w/ me ;-; #uhm #YES I am aware this is a surface level gender take #YES I understand it sounds very girl power #sometimes. sometimes you just need to say boring things.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Are familiar with the genre Iyashikei(healing-type)? I think that‘s the reason why most people tend to 'mischaracterize' characters because they want to escape reality for a moment for many reasons. I also belong to these people that‘s why I never go too deep. I‘m aware of the faults of certain characters but I want to heal and not face more reasons of why I am escaping reality in the first place

I’ve heard of the genre, yes! I understand both sides of the argument, and both are equally valid. Many people (myself included) often take in fan content as a means of escapism, especially if we have recently been through a hard time.

I am not faulting anyone for enjoying “healing”, cute, or slice-of-life content. However, I don’t think it’s wise to assume that “most” of the fandom sees it like that.

From the perspective of a writer, there is a clear difference between writing things that are “healing” or escapist and writing things that are OOC. To treat them as one and the same would be remiss.

To illustrate some examples...

“Healing” or escapist scenarios:

Going on a picnic with Malleus.

Floyd baking cupcakes with his S/O.

These are casual and cute. It disregards their “mean” sides for the sake of keeping to the fantasy, which is fine because meanness is not warranted in these situations. The worse the boys will do is tease.

These are okay; it is not gross mischaracterization.

“OOC” scenarios:

Leona takes care of his S/O that is sick with a cold. (this is less OOC and more of an “I don’t think this will turn out how you want it to turn out”)

Vil forces a tomboyish MC to be more feminine. (more blatant OOC)

The former does not make sense simply because of how lazy and terrible at care Leona is at a surface level. He dislikes having to look after others (see: Cheka) and often leaves duties of care to Ruggie (fetching lunch, doing laundry, taking notes). You may want to be pampered by Leona, but... he would do a terrible job at it, and he certainly wouldn’t go to as much trouble to take care of you as someone like, say, Trey or Jade would. Expecting good care from him is a misunderstanding of who Leona is as a baseline character.

The latter is an exaggeration of Vil’s personality and does a disservice to his character. He enjoys dressing up and wearing makeup, but why would he be concerned with whether or not others do? Vil says himself that gender norms are dead, and it would be hypocritical of him to force his beauty standards and ideals onto someone else. You can argue “oh, but he does it to Epel!”, but that is because it furthers Vil’s own ambitions for VDC. Vil has no reason to force his S/O or MC or whoever else to change their behavior or appearance.

These are just getting their characters wrong, unless the writer intended to do OOC.

I don’t expect everyone to look deeply into the TWST boys, because that isn’t a necessity to enjoy fan content. I just choose to do so because I am an analytical person and I enjoy deep diving into their characters.

#Malleus Draconia #Epel Felmier #Floyd Leech #Vil Schoenheit #character analysis #kind of??? idk #spoilers #notes from the writing raven #feedback for the writing raven

[old-daemon-farts]

Daemonism Survey

I wanted to see if I could summarize my experience. I know I have long winded thoughts on many of these subjects. Figured others may enjoy reading my answers. Survey found at the bottom.

What is a dæmon to you? The subconscious speaking through inner monologues.

What makes a dæmon, a dæmon? A daemon provides a positive change in their person while also intrinsically being a part of who they are and their identity. You cannot have one without the other. I feel this being needs to be tied to the subconscious (or soul) and will use our inner monologue to communicate.

I am of the belief many different beings can play the role of a daemon. Tulpa, alters, other headmates, and spirits can match these qualifications. "Daemon" has always felt more like a job title or other very personal labels like pronouns or familial titles like "daughter" or "father". I think daemons can stem from too many things and how they connect within the mind to say for sure what is and is not a daemon.

What does dæmonism mean to you? Daemonism is cultivating our inner-self to be a companion who supports us, and in doing so we are learning how to support ourselves.

What is the purpose of dæmonism? To provide a healthy mindset. Can be focused on mental health or cognitive thinking. A healthy mindset for one may be self-improvement; for another it may be companionship and self-compassion; or perhaps they just need someone to help recall information. What daemonism is varies from person to person but to me the base line is you get into daemonism seeking something you feel is going to improve something about your life.

What is/are your dæmon(s) like? What is your dæmon's personality like? What are their likes and dislikes? This is the space for anything you want to share about how your dæmon behaves, thinks and feels! Thats a lot to put. So I will place what may make them different from other daemons. They are very self-focused on me. No matter their personality its always focused around what is best for me. What needs to be done for me. Their world revolves around me and they do not question nor hate it.

How did you meet your dæmon(s)? Inspired by His Dark Materials. Finished the 3rd book, tried to see my daemon, he laughed and the rest is history. I thought we were the only human/daemon pair at the time.

What is/are your dæmon(s)? Dæmons can be many things; a gateway to the subconscious, a personification of your conscience, the other half of your internal dialogue, a spiritual entity, or many other things besides. What is the nature of your dæmon? They are me. They are how I connect to my inner self/subconscious. At the moment they are a gateway rather than the full personification of my subconscious. Please see the answer for "how they are connected to me" for more examples.

What is/are your dæmon's gender(s), and how do they relate to and differ from your own? Mostly female. I use to think my daemons gender was my opposite, then I though I was the outcome of their genders, then I thought their gender supported my own. Now I think it just is another outcome of what my brain needed to be happy and healthy, and while my daemons genders never change future daemons may be influenced by the same factors.

How autonomous is/are your dæmon(s)? How independent and free-thinking is your dæmon; how much do they rely on you in order to exist and function? Autonomy is an illusion. Myself and my daemons will always be influenced by my subconscious and factors surrounding us. Their identities rely on my focus but who they are at the core and how they function is thoughtless. I can personify my heart and it can grow independent but as soon as I stop talking to my heart it doesn't stop beating. It just returns to what it was prior and continues its constant task of keeping the body going without needing any thought on the matter.

How is/are your dæmon(s) connected to you? Subconscious, inner monologues, and even intrusive thoughts. Anima/animus. ID/Ego/Super Ego/ Shadow, split-brain ... Basically if there is a term for connecting with any inner part of yourself or piece of our mind my daemons encompass or build upon that.

How do your dæmon(s) differ from you? They are very goal oriented and driven involving my life and health.

What are the similarities between you and your dæmon(s)? They reflect key parts of myself (good, bad, and desired). We all like and dislike similar things, look for similar things in life and friendship, share taste in fashion, food, and entertainment. Only time things vary are when my daemons reflect an extreme. Like Tess who loves physical activity. I'm not a fan of exercise or sports but I wish I was and so does my body and mind. So her favorite activities are not mine by choice but I know on a subconscious level I need to enjoy these more. There is always a connection so there will always be similarities.

How have your dæmon(s) changed since you first met them? They have changed as much as myself, as they grow the very same as I do effected by my surroundings and experiences. Cayde started just as childlike as myself and grew into an adult. My more recent daemons started based around emotions or specific traits and then grew to be far more complex. This is the nature of living, remaining static is nearly impossible.

Can your dæmon(s) front? Fronting: taking primary control of the physical body. I believe with practice they can but since they have very strong opinions about fronting will refrain from doing so. We have co-fronted to allow my daemon to speak louder and to use "mind-over-matter" to stop pain. But during co-fronting there is no physical control. It is only causing a shift in where my daemon lies on my consciousness.

What are your dæmon form(s)? They have many. Both animal and human.

What do your dæmon form(s) mean to you? Some represent who I am on a subconscious level, a deeply analyzed level, and a more surface level.

How did you find your dæmon form(s)? Some through created systems, others through daemon's choice, and one picked completely out of my or my daemon's control.

What do your dæmon form(s) say about your personality, if anything? One describes my behavior and how I interact with others. The other portrays how I am seen and my narrative in life.

How does your dæmon feel about their form(s)? They love all of them and the more meaning behind a form the prouder they are taking it.

What does it mean for a dæmon's form to be settled? Represents who I (or they) are for a set moment in time. Finding and being content with who we are and our identity.

What kind of forms has your dæmon taken in the past? A variety, mostly animals.

How did your dæmon(s) get their name(s)? Chosen together or they picked one they liked.

What do your dæmon(s) names mean to you? Not much. One of my daemons shares my name which is pretty cool but there is little meaning behind everyone's name.

Has your dæmon's name ever changed? If so, feel free to elaborate! Yes! My first daemon has gone through 3 name changed. First one didn't fit right, second lasted years but he got tired of seeing other people with it, so now he's on his third.

How did you first learn about dæmonism? I learned about daemons through His Dark Materials and daemonism through The Daemon Page.

What motivated you to try dæmonism? Loved the companionship daemons gave in the books

Has your experience of dæmonism changed since you first discovered it? If so, how? I take it far more seriously now as a tool for mental health and self-awareness. I just wanted a unique friend that was a talking animal in the beginning.  

How do your dæmon(s) affect and influence your everyday life? Hm, its so hard to say after living over half my life with one. But I'd say they influence my day just by helping me process everything?

How has dæmonism helped you? My daemons have taught me self-love, self-worth, pride, and acceptance.

What does the dæmian community mean to you? They are my home. Sometimes you leave home, and sometimes family upsets you, but you still feel drawn back no matter where you wander. The community is a family I have chosen and I will always feel a part of.

The survey this came from can be found here “ Daemon Survey “. If you are interested in sharing your thoughts please consider completing it, I know the creator would greatly appreciate it.

#daemonism #about us #old daemon thoughts

[werevulvi]

Perhaps it's not so special to just be a woman. Half the population is. So what? But to me it is a huge thing. To even be able to say those words "I am a woman." They feel magnetic somehow, clinging to my tongue. It's like the word "woman" has a texture in my mouth like no other word does, vibrating at a different frequency. As if it's poisonous to taste. Yet I taste it, yet I say it. And I will keep saying it until I've cleansed it, no matter how long it takes. No matter how annoyingly repetitive and unnecessary it may sound to you.

It is a big deal to me, because up until age 29, I never spoke of myself using that word. Not even once. To then pick it up, for the first time, at age 29... was huge. And it's been 2 years since then now, but I'm still struggling with it, and it's still huge. I still don't understand why it's so hard for me to hold and hold onto that word, yet I am fiercely protective of it. I toss it away, then pick it up again, remorseful and protective of it. And I do that again and again. For each time I pick it up again, it's as if I understand its value a little bit more. All the significance, trauma, love, pain and curiosity it carries. It is mine, and no matter how hard it is to hold... I refuse to ever truly let go of it.

I may not look like a woman, I may not even want to! But why does it matter? Why should it matter what a woman looks like? Am I taking it too far, with the masculinity, the beard and bald head? Am I pushing my idea of freedom for women's expression too far? "Yes, women can be masc and gnc, BUT..." is what I keep hearing. But what? "...but you're taking it too far by looking like a whole ass man" is what I feel like the rest of the sentence, which they do not speak, is. Perhaps I'm wrong, I can't read minds. But sometimes I feel like people's minds are so loud that I can't not hear their thoughts.

I get a lot of backlash for every time I state myself as a woman, with my obnoxious reluctance to pass as my true identity. It's difficult to properly word that, what I actually mean. Perhaps I mean to say that I refuse to look like the traditional ideal of what people expect a woman to roughly wanna look like, whether that be masculine or feminine, as long as it's clearly recognisably female in some way or another. And my "true identity" has nothing to do with my personality, or my preferred expression, but only my deep down true love for being bio female. Thus, my "reluctance to pass" is indeed my desire to keep and maintain my transition traits, and my "true identity" is my womanhood, but I don't mean it in the same way TRA's do.

That true love for being female, isn't an ideal, but rather something much closer to my survival instinct.

It's that feeling of wanting to protect yourself when in danger. It's that instant self defense you act on without thinking when you feel like you're being threatened. It's that instant reaction of removing yourself from danger the split second it touches you, your body. It doesn't matter which part of you that danger touches, whether it be your hand, knee, your love handles, scarred chest, hairy face or your genitals. No matter what part of you is touched by that danger, you will instinctively protect it. It's in that instinct that I found love for my female nature, in my instinct to protect it from harm. I found it beyond my survival instinct, because no matter what part of me is ever touched by danger, my subconscious mind recognises it as not just lovable and worthy of protection and care, but also as part of the whole. This means, that deep down I'm not just loving myself... I also know that I am whole. No matter how many parts of me are cut off or distorted... I will always be whole.

I don't always feel aware of that like in my frontal lobe, but damn, my reptile brain knows it and won't ever question it.

With that, I found that my dysphoria is a shallow creation of my frontal lobe, and that it's in contradiction of my survival instinct. Being suicidal and/or self-harming is similar to this. Even wanting to die, always came second to my survival instinct. That is probably why I never succeeded to kill myself, and also why I never succeeded to truly hate my body. This does NOT mean that such horrible suffering as dysphoria or whatever feelings lead to self harm, is somehow not real. That is not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying it's a kind of cognitive dissonance, which messes with the very core of your core instincts, and that... I think, makes such psychological issues especially harmful.

And I also mean that my self love may not always have been accessible to me on surface level, but that despite that, it has always been innate.

And with that said... having found my innate self-love, and invited it to my frontal lobe... that is sorta why I can't really regret my medical transition. Even though I still have days when I struggle. Because I can't think of my body as broken anymore. Not since I found that deep, deep, VERY deep down I view myself as whole, lovable, valuable, and worthy of respect, love and safety... no matter what ever happens to me. Because my body is me, and there is no true disconnect between my sense of self and my flesh. Only on surface level there can sometimes be disconnect.

Kinda like the branches on a tree may be disconnected at the crown, but deeper down they all share the same trunk. I see myself in a similar manner. That at the top of the tree is most of my conscious thoughts, feelings, memories, etc, as well as all the various parts of my body. Or that is what my frontal lobe is aware of. That is how I perceive myself on surface level, as a scattered mess of branches, twigs, leaves and what not, each representing aspect of me, seemingly chaotic and all disconnected. But I'm also partially aware of what's going on deeper within my mind. I'm aware of the trunk that connects all branches, twigs, leaves, etc, and I'm also aware of the roots. Not directly aware, but I sense it like an inkling. I can sense that not only is there a trunk and roots deep down that connects to all twigs, and all twigs to each other, but also there in lies my knowledge that no matter how many of my twigs are left intact... the tree will always be a whole tree.

And it doesn't matter what I look like, or what troubles my body has gone through. Survival will always be the first priority. And my self-love IS equal to my instinct to survive. Because the reason I will always come to my own rescue whenever faced with danger or threat, or perceived danger/threat, is because I love myself. Self-love is the first move before I'm even saving myself from the danger, before that split second reaction takes place. That is how fast, instant and innate my self-love is. It was too obvious to even be aware of, for most of my life.

I think that's why is was so hard for me to find my self love. Because well... it was more deeply buried than my survival instinct itself, which I thought must be the innermost core aspect of my existence. But I was wrong about that. Self-love goes even deeper than survival. THAT is the innermost core aspect. Or so I believe. Can't think of anything that would possibly go even deeper than that.

But also, although I am the most aware on my self-love in moments my survival instinct takes over, I am also aware of it in other moments.

This is also why I can't get rid of my transition traits such as my facial hair. Because finding that true self-love from deep within my core, basically made me fuse all my aspects and physical traits together into a complete wholeness. All needs to be protected and loved. Every twig, every leaf. Sacrificing bits and pieces of me that are not damaging to my health, is self harm and goes against my survival instinct/self-love. It does not matter if the parts of me are in their natural state or medically/cosmetically altered. Even if those parts of me are inconvenient for my social life.

You know how a people who get organ transplants, their bodies try to reject the new organ because their immune system regards it as foreign? Well, this is kinda like that, but the exact opposite. My body/immune system/whatever-the-fuck regards my transition traits as heakthy parts of my original body, and thus to be protected at all costs. Loss of them will result in pain and grief. Just like losing any other part of my body would. And why? Because we mourn the loss of what we love, and what we regard as "ours" and as important, whole, healthy, lovable.

Deep down I do not care as much about such things as having a functional social life. Deep down, I care much more about things like keeping myself whole, safe, healthy and loved. Getting rid of my beard goes against that. Even just shaving it goes against that. My subconscious mind regards such an act as self harm.

Does this make sense to you? That it has nothing to do with "gender," be it manhood, womanhood, dysphoria, femininity or masculinity. It has to do with self-love, self-respect and survival. And that is a hell of a lot more important than being read or respected as a woman by others. No matter how much it hurts, because respecting and reclaiming myself as a woman is also highly important to me. Thus, I have to find a way to be open and honest with myself as a woman, without further harming myself.

I know this is deep and complicated spiritual shit, but I'm just trying to explain something which I think is probably very important. This discovery I had changed my life dramatically. So am I trying to teach self-love? No, I dunno. I don't think I can do that. I don't think anyone can. Perhaps I'm just trying to show a possibility.

I also need to clarify that despite knowing I love myself deep down now, I still struggle to stay connected to that aspect of my brain. And when I'm disconnected from it, I override my survival instinct and it misinterprets itself. Basically I fall out of order and act in a self destructive way, thinking it's self protection when it's actually the opposite. With that I understand that my self-love and my survival instinct are dependent on each other and need to be in harmony with each other to really keep me alive, safe and healthy. And although I'm now sometimes aware of this bond deep with myself, I'm still in imbalance. Because I still confuse self destruction for survival sometimes. When I skip meals, when I stay up too late, when I ruminate, when I smoke cigarettes, when I skip exercising, when I let my dirty dishes mould, etc. So simply being aware isn't quite enough, but it got me very far ahead of myself.

Also, trivial matters and superficial woes still get to me. I'm still human. I'm still fallible. Which is okay, but also frustrating. And that is basically why I love being a woman, while at the same time I also still struggle to accept myself as a woman, because it does include accepting being too norm-breaking for the society that I live in to accept me. And that hurts. It's a challenge that I'm not gonna overcome over night, just because I found the most important key to my healing. It's still just a key, a framework or an attitude - not a cure or some kinda magical spell. It's highly valuable and extremely important, but I still need to properly work through my emotions and learn how to navigate my social issues.

But what I feel my self-love is doing to help me, is carrying me through all this, and soothing me when I most need it. It makes my struggle worth it, and it makes me see a hell of a lot more of my potential than I was ever aware of before. The only backside of it is... well, it seems it does get to my head sometimes, and causing me some mild narcissistic tendencies. It sometimes makes me impatient hearing people with low self-esteem go on and on about how worthless they feel. That isn't great, I know. I'm working on fixing that error too.

By Werevulvi, dated November 29th, 2020.

#my text #detransition #womanhood #gender nonconformity #self love #deep ramble #a little controversal maybe

[valzhangs]

What are your lgbt headcanons for the pjo characters?

ok so!!

percy: he's trans and he's bi. bc im trans and im bi. i have trans headcanon post for him, but as far as his being bi goes, it takes him a lot longer to figure out than it should. he like, is aware of the fact that he's into men in a rlly weird surface level where he doesnt acknowledge it makes him Not Straight.

percy: who WOULDNT wanna kiss a homie?

annabeth: bi as fuck, <women3, is a disaster in flirting regardless of gender. she knows she's bi by the time she's like 15, although she spends some time there thinking she's a lesbian bc she's unaware bisexuality is an option.

annabeth: haha what if i was gay bc no i didnt bc yes i am bc no i did not. people. can you be gay and still like men

silena:.... bi??

annabeth: oi what the fuck

jason: he's a homophobic gay. we dont talk about the relationship™. struggled with comphet. every other week i switch to a bi headcanon for me so if you see me calling him bi no you didnt.

piper: trans lesbian. she, like percy, is on puberty blockers and bc of a supportive dad, figuring it out early on and being rich as fuck, her transition goes far more smoothly than others. she, however, spends many years thinking that in order to be a "real woman" she must be into men and so comphet is a thing™, thus the relationship we dont talk about. her and jason and gay besties now.

no one

piper: ahahaha yes men. they have. pretty eyes.

leo: i wildly switch between gay and aro for xyr sexuality headcanon. i also wildly switch between amab enby and transmasc. either way he's not romantically into women, and he's not cis. generally i use he/xe pronouns for xem.

leo 🤝 piper

hahaha yes.... the opposite gender.... who i am attracted to....

frank: transmasc nonbinary, they/he pronouns, also i switch between pan and gay for his sexuality headcanon, currently i say pan. anyways they only rlly realized they were trans when they were 14, even so it took a while to both accept it and stop feeling like he was faking it. he came out when he was 15, with his mom's death and everything his life had kind of snowballed and so he kind of screamed it at grandma zhang. he had already picked out frank for himself by then. as far as sexuality goes, he was already pretty sure of their attraction to all genders they realized they were trans.

hazel: lesbian, dating lacy, literally the softest out there and always knew she wasnt into men. but also badass as fuck, stan hazel.

WHILE ON THE TOPIC: lacy: very bi, lean towards men generally, also a trans girl

silena: pan as fuck, had a crush on clarisse because ruegard rights.

clarisse: bi and ace, [also "bi, fly and ready to die"]

i have my mitchell headcanons post, love that bi baby.

miranda: t/t nonbinary, lesbian, also not lgbt related but theyre yoreme (indigenous people in northern mexico)

charlie beckendorf: trans & bi. he is also like, THE person youd go to if you needed advice on gender identity related things.

grover: that boy invented pansexuality and we all love him.

rachel: aroace, she/her nonbinary

lou ellen; no gender only lesbian (any pronouns)

dakota: no gender only gay (also any pronouns)

n e ways thats all i have for now, stay tuned for more

#im queer and thus everything i write will be too #pjo headcanon #pjo lgbt #hoo lgbt #héroes of olympus #the seven #percy jackson #trans headcanons #lgbt headcanons #lulu answers #piper mclean #jason grace #leo valdez #annabeth chase #frank zhang #rachel elizabeth dare #grover underwood #hazel levesque #lacy daughter of aphrodite #clarisse la rue #silena beauregard #charles beckendorf

[elichorph]

word hi ok here’s some info on annie ....  uhmMmgm.... ok

stats:

full name: annaleise grace suh nicknames: annie. call them anything else and you’ll get bit age: twenty one  birthday: october 27, 1999 chart: scorpio sun / gemini moon / taurus rising gender: demi girl pronouns: they / them & she / her sexuality: bisexual & biromantic  height: 5′9 tattoos: they shamelessly have like 7 of their own little doodles tattooed really small on their right bicep and one on their ankle too piercings: three earlobe piercings on each ear, double helix on their right ear, a nose stud

blackmail: 

as a famous artist, their art was spotted by a drug ring who launders money. they willingly sell their art through the ring as a means to transport both drugs and money, taking a cut of the cash and allowing the ring’s connections to boost their fame so they’ll stay quiet about it.

they did an excessive amount of philanthropy work in their second year at the university and posed it as charity work, but actually was doing mandated community service after being charged with theft

annie's family routinely and secretly took money from the kojima family to stay afloat and only stopped once they were caught. they were sued in civil court by the kojima's because of it and lost the case, leaving the suh family near penniless.

backstory:

this is a lot and i am sorry

tw: drugs

annie had a … pretty normal childhood. seriously like, it’s bland. nothing special so i’ll keep this brief. they were born in alabama and lived there for a single year before moving and was raised in a house in hartford, ct to two loving parents. although they weren’t incredibly well off, they always made sure there was a pack of ice cream sandwiches in the freezer and clearance rack flowers on the kitchen table. annie was posted up outside of the house with chalk drawing every little thing their mind could come up with every single day even though their parents desperately wished they were inside playing with the little doctor’s kit that they got them for their ninth birthday. but no ❤️annie was determined to be an artist despite their parent’s early pleads not to be. and annie’s never been one to take signals correctly in their life so their only child ass took this as a sign to start being edgy and self absorbed, focusing so much on themselves that they kind of shut their family out and wasn’t entirely aware of potentially sketchy things their parents did to keep money in the bank account. fr they just became like ... roommates and didn’t talk. the last time they spoke was when annie needed a lawyer last year. 

in high school, annie was a weird mix of tropes. they were the weird mysterious kid in the back of your english class who went on rants about how annoying romeo & juliet and romance are and the one who was president of clubs you’ve never even heard of and the underclassman who was friends with all the scary seniors (and later became the scary senior). in their junior year, they also conveniently went viral for a series of paintings they made in ap art class. it started locally and with being kinda famous on facebook to big gallery installations that had pieces which conveniently fit the aesthetics of mansions and big buyers. seriously, fame came fast for annie and by the end of their senior year they were well known enough to catch the eye of a drug ring who offered to bass boost it all for the small price of taking part in the sales of their art so the dealers can put a couple grams of cocaine in one of their lil pottery pieces and end up with way more money than they started with. 

yale thought annie’s fame and art and obscene amount of followers on instagram was kinda sexy so they were offered a full ride and gladly accepted and sells off all of their paintings and pottery pieces they make in class because why not ❤️ so here they are. with like a million followers on their art instagram and a big ego.

and annie’s a kleptomaniac, honestly. there’s no deep backstory as to why they decided to steal a pair of diamond earrings last year besides the fact that they wanted to. thankfully the judge let them off with community service, but you bet they spun that story to their advantage as soon as they could. if you saw annie posted up on their insta story picking up trash off of the highway with a big smile and “making time to clean up our highways!” across the bottom in pretty cursive, yes you did. 

personality: 

annie’s entire personality is one big paradox and then some.

they keep their life as a ✨famous person ✨ kind of bland so people won’t know a lot about them at the surface level unless they do some research. like they’ve got a main art instagram and stuff but then a personal one that you’ve gotta search for and also just ... doesn’t do interviews or anything like that. 

annie really loves people. like they crave small talk and holding the door open for people and smiling at people when they walk by them on campus. but on a deeper level, it’s a rarity that they’re good with others. seriously, they don’t know what the word communication means. if annie has a close friend or s.o. who things work perfectly well with and things are understood, that’s probably pure coincidence. they just kind of expect to understand people and have others understand them. things probably are fine to a certain point, like making small talk with whoever whenever, but i imagine it can only go so far lmao. like when you try to get close to annie, you’ll probably get sent a 400 word text message about needing space but then the next day they’re asking you to come over for four loko friday. mixed signal realness.

and even tho they love people and being surface level and nice and all, as seen in the tragic dropping of muse i, annie is volatile as hell! sometimes they’ll be mean just to entertain themselves bc they’re bored or they just get the urge or they feel like there’s a reason even if there’s not or something ... idk you never know with them. there are sure as hell days too when they just don’t even try to be nice to others either. annie’s got a temper and they go back and forth.

they lowkey crave strict control over their image but also love it when people think about them and give them attention. like ... yes they are having a breakdown daily about the blackmailer but they also deep down are like aw <3 

there’s part of them that wants cute romance ... the pottery scene in ghost ... painting their significant other ... all of that ... but they’ve got some deep rooted issues that make them think they don’t really need anyone. that maybe nobody will love them. even though they were the one that shut their parents out, their mind Loves to twist that situation to make it seem like they could’ve tried harder to get to know annie or support her or some shit bruh idk annie is so confusing.

ok but all the bad stuff aside .... if you actually like crack their code and get to know the real annie ..... they’re like kinda genuine and cool ig. they give really good advice and are extremely thoughtful and probably will make paintings inspired by you and maybe will gift you a handmade teapot and cook you your favorite dish if you talk about it once. annie is pretty funny too and they really have no fears because they are so self assured. they are SO shameless at times, even though it hurts them a lot more than it helps them. annie spends just about any free moment they get at the art studio. they’re always zooming with either dried clay all over their hands or paint on their jeans because they probably didn’t notice the time. really love memes like these ones. constantly wears big stompy boots. i really hope u get the picture i can’t write anymore

this is a tik tok that explains them well https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJufQVbP/

and here is their pinterest https://www.pinterest.com/mcvingparts/annie/

#intro #i am probably forgetting things. might update later

[bustedbernie]

Hi @heatherleee .

I don’t “hate” anyone. But as far as politicians go, Sanders has a comportment that is totally unacceptable. And it’s not just about policies.

So, i worked for the Obama and Clinton campaigns in 2008, 2012, and 2016. I’ve volunteered for local and state level candidates in both the Albuquerque area and in rural parts of New Mexico. This is to say that I am a democrat and have been working for actual democrats for longer than Bernie himself has been. That’s part one why I dislike Bernie. He is not a democrat. He is not “blue.” If he wants support from actual democrats, than that means he’d have to do several things. 1) either apologize for his past and current antagonism toward democrats or at least claim to “evolve” on this. 2) fundraise BIG for downballot democrats both in his home state and across the country. 3) Work for the actual party 4) register as a democrat through and through and run as a democrat in his senate elections. He hasn’t really done any of this. I’m sorry, but if he is expecting people like me who have spent time calling, canvassing, data banking, knocking on doors and donating to be on his side if he got the nomination, that’s insane. This is hard work and takes a lot of sweat, tears and dollars. We see him as a conman who is using our carefully built infrastructure while not doing the above to help. We don’t stand for that. And add in him getting involved with OUR campaign and saying OUR man, the first black president, needed to face a primary while we were dealing with a very powerful candidate emerging in Mitt Romney? It was not only totally irresponsible and disrespectful, it was a slap in the face. Don’t forget that Bernie has long held onto the idea that democrats and republicans are “the same.” Why would I like him after all that? 

Going on, I can’t forgive nor overlook his sexism and racism. This is kinda a big deal. His plans are not intersectional. Even to cite himself and many of his supporters, he bases much of his ideology on marxism. Marxism comes from a specific time and place and our point in history is quite different. I am quite smitten with many radical thinkers and philosophers, which is why I see Marxism and marxist writings/thoughts as foundational to a certain worldview in the same way Aristotle is. They’re great, but we’ve built on that worldview and adapted it, and we now have thinkers who speak not only of the facetious nature of “revolution,” but also the need for intersectionality and how “revolutions” often come at the expense of oppressed groups. Bernie’s ideology has not caught up. If you hear me say things like “Hillary Clinton or Kamala Harris are far more progressive than Bernie Sanders,” this is why. Their plans actually address issues of racial justice and gender issues while Sanders sees them, at best, as a secondary issue. He himself has called them “distractions,” while also peddling the idea that “a rising tide lifts all boats.” This just isn’t the case. If he is truly as revolutionary, futuristic, and truly the justice candidate, why in the world can’t he support or speak to issues that black americans, queer americans and indigenous folks deal with everyday? Saying a “rising tide lifts all ships” is to ignore us, to leave us unseen and to castigate the very base of the democratic party. Why can he speak to the so-called “white working class” but not anyone else? 

We can use your housing plan as an example. On the surface, I support many of Bernie’s goals and even many of his plans. But on this issue, you can see that he is peddling ideas that became popular in the 60s and 70s and were implemented in some areas. But, his program is outdated and racist, and doesn’t address the need for black wealth building programs. It also uses blanket policies that aren’t good for certain urban areas. Furthermore, his plan makes little room for new housing development which is actually the largest issue with rent and home prices currently. His plan would actually perpetuate problems by ignoring the supply-side issue. This is seen throughout much of his policies and proposals. 

Let’s get into why that’s an issue. Bernie supporters will tell us that it should be “just about policy,” yet, Joe Biden has now created a public transport plan that is the gold standard in this primary. Elizabeth Warren’s housing plan addresses the issues I outlined above. Kamala Harris’ plan did as well and arguably was better than either Warren or Biden’s current plans. Both have been attacked by Bernie supporters on this issue in breathtaking ways. They have been labelled land developers (which i’m not sure as to why that’s a pejorative), neoliberals, centrists, republicans even. This is not a policy debate. In this example, I’ve mentioned three candidates that have had policies. Instead of engaging on the policies, they attack the very character of the candidates. Whether you support Biden, Buttigieg, Warren or yes, even Sanders, they ALL have very similar goals and ideas. They may have very different timelines for those goals or funding mechanisms or might value some goals more than others, but we are all on board. Yet, we are attacked as if we don’t want healthcare or housing for the poor, as if we don’t want some form of debt relief, etc. There is no nuance allowed and I see frequently the idea that “Bernie is the ONLY one fighting for [X,Y,Z].”

And that’s the largest reason I don’t like Bernie. He has built up a very dangerous cult of personality. It feeds a form of discourse that is corrosive, divisive and actually benefits our largest rivals more than it benefits any type of progressive goal. Me, and many others, place much of the blame for 2016 at Bernie’s feet. You don’t have to agree, but that’s that. I, personally, will not forgive him for what he said and did against Hillary Clinton. I won’t forgive his campaign or his followers for lying on Kamala Harris. And I am not a super big fan of Warren or Biden and here I am finding myself defending them because many in your cohort are spreading the same kinds of lies and conspiracies and propaganda as the MAGA people. And yes, I am fully aware I am making an equivalency between Trump and Sanders with that statement, and I fully stand by it. This black and white worldview is why we have a discourse where “Bernie is the only candidate that has done [X,Y,Z]” is taken seriously by some voters, many of whom either don’t believe Bernie has ever evolved on issues (guns, LGBT rights, women’s rights, states rights, military, etc) or are willing to give Bernie the right to grow and evolve as a politician while not allowing the same of other candidates. It’s not right nor is it okay. 

So I don’t hate Bernie for any one policy, I am more than happy to engage in policy debates and accept that we all have slightly different views on that. But, those debates need to be done in good faith and that’s simply not something we get from Bernie or a majority of his supporters. If this were a policy thing, I could talk about Bernie the same way I talk about Warren or Biden or Buttigieg, and say they’re okay people with okay ideas but they need to pay attention to X,Y,Z because of A,B,C. But when I said I like Kamala’s health plan best for X reasons, I got told i was a fascist or centrist or neoliberal or whatever. I NEVER had a discussion where someone told me why they thought Bernie’s plans were better. Same with Hillary Clinton. Same with everyone still running today. As for this blog, I made it because I was frustrated by all of the above and wanted a place to vent + I wanted to make sure there was at least some content on Tumblr challenging the idea that Bernie is perfect, unproblematic or the undisputed winner. B/C that narrative really made people who spend a ton of time on the internet freak out when it turned out not to be true in 2016. I STILL see people who say “I don’t know a single Joe Biden supporter” on here. I’ve seen that for several other candidates as well. If this blog helps demonstrate that not all democrats/leftists are not on board with Bernie, maybe it will help just a little bit to lessen that blow. I’ve met people who have supported most all of the candidates. The echo chamber needs to have some challenge to it. That echo chamber only feeds the awful cult of personality that i really can’t stand and that I feel is very dangerous. 

#heatherleee #FAQ

[wideawokesa]

Moving Past White or Wrong

"Dear White People: Just stop it!" – If only changing the world was that simple, right? ​ We are living through extraordinary times. A feeling, a movement sweeping across the world, a change. The killing of George Floyd in the USA a little over a month ago – and in particular the videos filmed by bystanders of what amounted to a public execution – finally made clear to any compassionate person the police brutality that black and brown people face and have faced for decades, even centuries. The 8 minutes and 46 painful seconds it took for this black man’s life to end – with a white police officer’s knee on his neck, cutting off his air supply – woke many people up; and this new consciousness seemed to spread as quickly as the coronavirus. So why was this murder any different? Awareness of the devaluation of black lives has been in most people’s consciousness for a long time. But it wasn’t until Mr Floyd’s murder that something shifted radically. Maybe it was the fact that it was recorded? We have all seen video evidence before, though. It could have been the horror of watching in real time as he pleaded for air, watching his life slip away. Perhaps being stuck at home has made us more introspective. Or this video was (finally) the straw that broke the camel's back for the silent majority of decent people in a world that’s seemed to embolden intolerant views over the past few years. Of course, police brutality is not uniquely American. Closer to home, in the township of Khayelitsha in Cape Town, a black man named Bulelani Qolani was dragged from his shack naked by City of Cape Town law enforcement officers last week, without care for his basic human rights and dignity. Both these instances are the tip of the iceberg of a centuries-old system built for the privileged at the expense of the vulnerable. I live 30 kilometres away from where Bulelani Qolani was humiliated, in a formerly “white suburb” of Cape Town. But despite being residents of the same city, our worlds couldn’t be more different. As a white South African male, the colour of my skin and my sex have meant that I’ve been able to wander through life benefiting in ways I probably still don’t fully comprehend. The fact that just being white and male means many people assume I have something meaningful to contribute to a situation or have some great insight, when my black or brown peers have to work 10 times as hard just to prove their worth, is an example of this. White privilege is nothing new; it’s not a made-up expression trying to shame or demonise white people. It’s a privilege you either live as a white person or experience as a person of colour. Whether you choose to accept it or not is irrelevant, it’s a fact of the world we exist in. If you fit the criteria to benefit from such a system, it probably gets very comfortable over generations. I can understand why some white people would be apprehensive to let go of such a system – but I can’t understand why some would fight tooth and nail against levelling the playing field, and choose to play the victim instead. Two reasons I can think of would be that some white people feel they’re being personally attacked, or that there would need to be retribution if they admitted any ‘fault’. Until a few years ago, as a young South African born after Nelson Mandela was freed, I also felt attacked or intimidated just for being white. “I wasn’t part of creating the country's history. Why am I being blamed?” I wondered if I would have to forfeit things – money, my job, my parents’ house, any inheritance I might get, who knew? – to be seen as “a worthy South African”. It took time, growing maturity, and deep conversations with people from a wide variety of backgrounds, for me to understand what was really being attacked. I needed to look beyond the surface to understand what the fight for equality for all is about. I’m not saying this was an easy, A to B, process. It took a long time to accept the privileges and prejudices the accident of my birth as a white person had gifted me. It also awakened a larger conversation for me against any type of pushback. One of the biggest misconceptions about pushbacks in relation to issues of race, sexuality, gender or otherwise is that the conversation is a personal attack. It’s not, and you need to look beyond the surface of the discussion to start seeing this. The Black Lives Matter movement is not an attack on all white people, but rather ‘whiteness’ and the inherited, unthinking privilege that comes with being white in a white culture-centred world. Discussions about non-heterosexual sexualities are not an attack on all straight people, but rather the idea that heterosexuality is “the right way”, the ideal to strive for, and that other sexualities are immoral or plain “unnormal”. The #MenAreTrash or #MeToo movements are not an attack on all men but rather the culture of toxic masculinity and the repercussions of it. Those who refuse to see what is right in front of them or make endless excuses for the existence of white privilege or toxic masculinity, in a world rapidly evolving past the prejudices of old, are bound to experience pushback against views that don’t fit our current reality. And this is fitting. A society pushing to move beyond ‘tolerance’ to an embracing of other ways of life cannot and must not allow people who cling to prejudices any wiggle room or loopholes to allow their outdated world views further air. They must not be given the chance to opt out or think their views are anything less than aberrant. By drawing a line in the sand a clear message is sent that prejudices inherited from decades past are no longer acceptable in the 21st century. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in my growth process so far is that it was an incredibly freeing feeling when I finally accepted that the concerns and criticisms about a system which I have benefited from are indeed “my problem” too. It allowed me to feel more at ease in the company of people who are disadvantaged by this systemic fuck-up we all inherited. It encouraged me to mentally break down any ideas or misconceptions I may have had. We as white people don’t need to have been the actual creators of this system to take some blame for it. When we continue to live a vastly better life in all aspects compared to people of colour, we shoulder the blame. When we see what is happening and look the other way, we remain part of the problem. We are complicit. We can, however, also be part of the solution. You’re probably saying, “Easier said than done. Why don’t you give me examples of how we can do this if you know it all?” I don’t have all the answers and I don’t claim to. But I think personal growth and an easier co-existence in a changed world could start with acknowledging and accepting the privileges white people inherit simply by being born with white skin. We help to dismantle a centuries-old system and build a new one by acknowledging the broken system we function in, and trying every day to understand more about the reality of life for people who are seemingly different from us. We help by voicing our agreement with the ways the world is changing, in spaces where our agreement might make other white people squirm and ultimately question their own motivations in pushing back against positive change. There’s no way to know what will happen next, but my hope is that as humanity continues to slowly push and pull the world towards true equality for all, we can finally let go of issues based on specifics alone. ​ So to answer the question I started with: Yes, change can be simple. The route to true equality is clear. We already have answers and solutions in front of us. And for white people to start to help, step one is for us to wake up and change ourselves.

[captainderyn]

OC Meme

Thank you for the tag @delavairess  <3

Tagging: @elveny @lumielles @ofmistandrain​ @claudela @kunstpause and anyone else who would like to join!

--

You find yourself in the halls of Rivendell. Across from you, a seemingly young elf sits, a harp laying across his lap. You’ve stolen his attention after recognizing his face from descriptions all throughout the tale of the Fellowship. He seems more than willing to make conversation. 

name ➔ “My name is Raenor, a pleasure to meet you.” 

are you single ➔ He smiles softly, his hand subconsciously twitching towards a ring, metal elegantly twined into interlocking branches, on his opposing hand, “I’m quite happily taken, thank you very much.” 

are you happy ➔ “I would certainty consider myself happy. Though there are things that could make me more so.” 

are you angry ➔ “No, not currently. I try to avoid it--anger becomes such a wearying emotion after a number of years. Especially when you see the destructive power of it.” 

are your parents still married ➔ “They consider themselves happily bond for life and beyond.” 

NINE FACTS

birthplace ➔ “I was born here in Rivendell. You cannot ask for a safer or more beautiful place to grow.” 

hair color ➔ Raenor twines a piece of long hair between his fingers, feigning a look of surprise at it. His eyes twinkle with mirth, “Well, would you look at that, it’s brown. Though my dearest Wulfwryn has called it of the chestnut brown variety.”

eye color ➔ “If memory serves they are grey. I don’t get to see my eyes often, you see.” His grin is most certainty teasing you now.

birthday ➔ This question appears to stump him. His eyes widen first before he leans back in his chair, eyes going distant as if he’s calculating, “Ack it’s been a long time ah...in your terms, I believe year 245 in the Third Age in the month Yávië.” 

mood ➔ “Now confounded by trying to remember when I was born. Truly it is too difficult. But overall I am content.” 

gender ➔ “I consider myself male.” 

summer or winter ➔ “Summer, if I must choose between those two. Music is much sweeter to make when I can feel my fingers.” 

morning or afternoon ➔ “Mornings. I have come to love seeing the sun rise over new days.” 

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

are you in love ➔ He smiles widely with a wistful sigh, eyes drifting into the distance, “Ah, I am. And I miss her dearly with each passing day between us.” 

do you believe in love at first sight ➔ “I suppose I must say yes. Though I don’t know if I can call it love...perhaps a connection at first sight.” 

who ended your last relationship ➔ “There has really been no ending...there has been others finding their life-mates and a peaceful moving on.” 

have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ “Never intentionally, and not that I can think of.” 

are you afraid of commitments ➔ “Ah...there has been fear of a commitment but I have longer since moved past it.” 

have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ “Not hugged the one that I truly wish to hug, no. But I ride for her soon.” 

have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ He looks amused by the suggestion, “Oh none that I have been made aware of.” 

have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ Raenor’s lips twitch, his smile almost shifting to a frown. A shadow of pain comes across his eyes. “I have broken my own heart with the love that I have found and doomed myself with it. But I would not trade it for anything.” 

SIX CHOICES

love or lust ➔ “Once it was easier to say lust. But now I have found a certain beauty in love.” 

lemonade or iced tea ➔ “Tea without question, so long as it is made properly.” 

cats or dogs ➔ He thinks for a moment, “Hm, I would have to say cats.” 

a few best friends or many regular friends ➔ “A few best friends. A millennium is too long with only surface level bonds.” 

wild night out or romantic night in ➔ At this he laughs, “Oh, nothing is ever fully tame with Wulfwryn. But I always prefer a night in.” 

day or night ➔ “Day. The sunlight is soothing and the night offers too many thoughts in its darkness.” 

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

been caught sneaking out ➔ “Aha, I have in fact been caught several times over. No matter how creative you think you are, Elrond always seems to see all.” 

fallen down/up the stairs ➔ "Rivendell’s steps become slick in the rain. All it takes it one misstep and you’re becoming well acquainted with the marble.” 

wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ His smile begins to mute again, “Oh for a time, yes. And there are solutions to problems that I want now that are out of my reach that feel like daggers in my chest.”

wanted to disappear ➔ “Hm, never in earnest.” 

FOUR PREFERENCES

smile or eyes ➔ “Eyes. There is so much that one can say with their eyes”

shorter or taller ➔ “Ah it is not the question of shorter or taller, but the power in which they yield with their height.”

intelligence or attraction ➔ “Both are pleasing if twined together in the right fashion. But intelligence will always be captivating.” 

hook-up or relationship ➔ “The former is easier, but my heart decides on the latter after many years.” 

FAMILY

do you and your family get along ➔ “We always did. Those that remain are still close.”

would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔  "Ah,” this too gives him pause, “Perhaps not in the way that this question suggests.” 

have you ever ran away from home ➔ “I have never run from home. Though some may consider my dreams of not riding back from the White City to be just that.” 

have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ “Not by anything other than duty.”  

FRIENDS

do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ “That would be far more negative thought than I care to put out after so long.” 

do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ “I would certainly hope so.”

who is your best friend ➔ “I have always considered  Nárissë my closest, dearest friend. But I believe she may not share those affections any more in light of my plans.” 

who knows everything about you ➔ "Everything?” the corner of his mouth quirks up. “Wulfwryn would like to bluff that she does, but I don’t think anyone truly knows everything about me. Not even me.” 

#oc interview #captainderyn memes #oc: Raenor #weee he's in so much pain whether he likes it or not and it hurts m #me*

[amamblog]

Jean Kondo Weigl, Untitled, 1974, Gouache collage, Art Rental Collection Fund RC 1974.3.

Elka Lee-Shapiro ‘18, former curatorial assistant in Asian art, conducted this interview with artist Jean Kondo Weigl in July of 2018 as part of her exhibition, Centripetal/Centrifugal: Calibrating an Asian American Art.

On March 12th at 3:00 p.m., Lee-Shapiro will return to Oberlin to give a Tuesday Tea lecture on the exhibition. For more information, visit the event page on the Allen’s Facebook.

EL: I was thinking that we could start by talking about the work we have of yours in the AMAM's collection. It was created in 1974 and you mentioned that you were working with hard-edge abstraction at the time.

JKW: Right, after completing the MA program in Studio Art at Oberlin I was working as Assistant to the curators at the Allen Art Museum.  At the time, Abstract Expressionism, Minimalism, Conceptualism and Pop art were primary avenues in the New York art scene.  I had studied those movements as an undergraduate in a contemporary art seminar at Scripps College while also taking classes in figure drawing and painting, and wanted to explore acrylics and non-figurative or formal compositions, probably influenced by artists such as Frank Stella. I’m not sure if I was aware of Sol LeWitt at that point, but there were a lot of artists, painters, and printmakers working with the grid format.

I chose to use the format of the grid in this work because of the regularity and the rationality of the grid, which could be juxtaposed with something else—something freer, looser, more subjective, more organic -- while still retaining the organized structure of the grid. I experimented with some loosely conceptualist formats where I might, for instance, devise a sequential order for what was going to go in each unit of the grid, and so on.

EL: The work we have in the Allen’s collection has a repeated pattern like that… is that where that idea comes from?

JKW: Yes, I began with an abstract design painted in gouache on paper that I cut up into sixty equal squares. Next, I cut the squares, four at a time, into curved strips, which I then recombined to form new squares that I then arranged in the final composition.  I couldn’t have foreseen or visualized the end product of my process the first time I tried it, and was surprised to find the resulting sense of rhythmic movement, advancing and receding space and lively qualities of color and light to be so effective. You never know what's going to happen when you try out an idea.

EL: What was it like doing this type of work in Oberlin, because a lot of the discourse surrounding formalist painting was rooted in New York City? How was it being in Oberlin engaging with these types of investigations surrounding painting?

JKW: Becoming interested in a more formalist approach to painting was a natural response to the influences I encountered at Oberlin as a graduate student and as a member of the staff at the AMAM.  Ellen Johnson, Professor of Modern Art, and Athena Tacha, Curator of Art since 1800, were powerful forces in promoting current trends in art from New York in Oberlin through their scholarship and involvement with regard to the museum’s acquisitions, exhibitions and visiting artists program.

Also, as a Graduate Assistant, I worked under Forbes Whiteside, Professor of Painting, assisting in his painting and color theory classes. In Mr. Whiteside’s color theory class, I learned a lot about color relationships and color interaction, and wanted to explore some of the ideas that I was learning in my own work. I think that's what pushed me towards nonobjective imagery, so that I could focus on color schemes and variations on the different characteristics of color. I probably know one hundredth of one thousandth of what there is to know about color theory, but I can get deeply engaged with what little I know, experimenting with all the different possibilities and variations.

EL: You mentioned the idea of objective and subjective painting in relation to the grid. I was wondering if you could talk a little bit more about that, especially because your recent work does incorporate more narrative or figural elements.

JKW: I'm really equally interested in formalism and narrative or figurative art, and equally emotionally moved by both. Even with narrative art, the story is definitely part of what I respond to, but a large part of what I respond to are the formal elements of the work—the paint, color, and surface—and the power and skill of the artists. I remember before I ever cried to a painting, the only kind of art that I would respond to emotionally would be film or music—I can easily cry when I see a sentimental commercial on television—but I was never moved to tears by a painting until I saw a Pierre Bonnard painting. It was a small landscape of a spring day and I was overwhelmed.  I don't know how you identify the core idea of a single work of art or a body of works of art when there are multiple elements that are constant throughout. The meaning of a work has a little bit to do with the imagery and a whole lot to do with the composition and the treatment of form—but you can't have the imagery without that. So, you can't separate them.

EL: We touched on this a little bit but I was wondering if you could talk a little bit more about how your personal background influences your work, and whether biographical or politicized identity comes into your work?

JKW: Well, how can we separate one’s background and identity from one’s work, either? That's another thing, right? You are what you are. I am what I am because of my background. So, it’s impossible to ignore it, but I don't think you have to worry about making it clear, because it is clear. It just comes out anyway. Everything that’s influenced me as an artist is because of my background.

I'm probably drawn to Asian art and the history of Asian art for that reason. I might not have taken courses in the history of Japanese art at the University of Utah, but in a way I felt obligated to know more about it. I might have been interested in Asian art as an undergraduate but it’s my memory that, at that time, we didn't have a lot of exposure to Asian or other non-Western art history; it wasn't automatically built in to your art education. For example, I knew that I liked ukiyo-e, but the topic of 19th century Japanese art was mainly touched upon in the context of its influence on 19th century French art.  Today, if I get stuck in the process of sketching or painting, one source that I may turn to for direction is 19th century Japanese art.  I really relate to that period as did many 19th century artists in Europe who were being exposed for the first time to a lot of Japanese and Chinese art.

EL: Do you think of the Asian influences in your work as relating to your personal identity?

JKW: Sure, not consciously, just automatically.

EL: Thinking about your identity, would you identify as say, an Asian American artist, or a woman artist, and does that play into your work at all?

JKW: Asian American over woman artist?

EL: Or Asian American woman artist... I guess in terms of these labels.

JKW: That's an appropriate question because the women’s movement was in full bloom in the seventies which is when I was at Oberlin working on as master’s degree and coming of age as an artist. Oberlin’s master’s program required a written thesis and an exhibition, and I wrote my thesis on the women's movement in art.  I was reading Linda Nochlin, Simone de Beauvoir, Shulamith Firestone, Judy Chicago, and anyone I could find who wrote about the role of women as artists or the image of women in art.  I joined the women's caucus of the College Art Association and participated in a couple of their collaborative projects. They organized a book project and a box project, and my work was included in their traveling shows. But I don't put gender at the front of how I identify myself as an artist. And the Japanese part, well, both the Japanese and the female parts were given to me, but I don't necessarily feel that I put myself in either category, as much as lot of other people need to or choose to.

I'm aware of my race and gender on a certain level.  My race and gender are important aspects of my identity, but my identity and how it plays into my work is more just individual—having to do with my personal experience and relationships.  One key to how I identify as an Asian American woman artist may be how I identify with other Asian American women artists; if it’s difficult for me to relate to another Asian American woman artist on some level of aesthetics or politics, I think it would be difficult for me to put myself under the same label as her.  On the other hand, I would probably relate more completely to an Asian American woman artist, compared to a non-Asian, non-American, male artist, if her art and politics were aligned with mine.

EL: We probably have time for maybe one more question. I'd love to hear more about your approach to teaching and what teaching is like for you.

JKW: I don't think of myself as being really articulate or able to explain some more complex issues or concepts in a particularly clear or elegant way, but sometimes in the classroom I find myself getting really excited and at no loss for words.  Especially when I’m talking about the process and how it’s important to let go and not be afraid—I’m trying to encourage students to let go, loosen up, and not worry about whether their assignments are going to be successful. I work very hard to be the best teacher, but some students stand out as being so talented, perceptive and intuitive that I can only step back and admire them, deserving little credit for their achievement.  

[polyrolemodels]

Poly Role Models: Andy Eye

PolyRoleModels: So welcome to PRM, would you like to introduce yourself?

Andy Izenson: Sure! My name is Andy Izenson. I am a uh mediator and uh attorney. And I live in Brooklyn. Um I’ve been uh practicing polyamory for about 10 years and…

PolyRoleModels: Well that was that was my first question.

Andy Izenson: That’s all I’ve got. I really like…

PolyRoleModels: Well that was my first question. So what does your relationship dynamic look like?

Andy Izenson: Well at the moment, I would say it looks a little bit like- you know those- that uh that non-Newtonian material you make when you mix like corn starch and Elmer’s glue?

PolyRoleModels: Yes I’m-

Andy Izenson: Where like it kinda expands to fill the space available to it and it wiggles and poke it hard, it gets firm, but you push your hands into it gently and it gets kind of soft.

PolyRoleModels: I feel like this is the best explanation I’ve ever gotten for someone’s polyamory.

Andy Izenson: So it’s uh it’s not linear. It’s fluid and it’s complicated and it’s exciting. Uhm I have some partners that I’ve been with for a really long time. I have some that blast into and out of my life intermittently in brief explosions of wonderment. 

I have some that are close by and some that are far away. I have a very broad understanding of what love is and what a relationship is. And I try not to nail things down too much.

PolyRoleModels: Good answer. Um what aspects of polyamory do you feel you excel at?

Andy Izenson: Oh gosh, um, I’m really excited so you know the distinction that some people make is between parallel polyamory and what is called kitchen table polyamory. Where parallel is you have your relationships but they don’t interact with each other.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah.

Andy Izenson: Kitchen table is everyone comes down to the table and has breakfast in the morning.And the latter is the kind that is really more my speed.

PolyRoleModels: Okay.

Andy Izenson: I think if I’m good at anything, it’s that I’m really lucky in the people that I have around me. Um because if uh If they’re such exemplary and incredible and brilliant people, of course they are going to have wonderful relationships with each other as well as with me. 

So it just positions me in this beautiful shifting complicated web of interpersonal relationships you know? That are- that are, some are sexual some are not, some are romantic, some are not, but the important thing is that everyone has each other’s back in whatever way makes senses for those individual people in the web.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, my polyamory is the same way. So what do you feel like you struggle with?

Andy Izenson: Well I mean feelings are difficult, right? Like having feelings is the worst. Talking about feelings is challenging. Um and I feel like for a lot of us, there’s really a- a pressure to perform like everything is awesome all the time and you never have bad feelings because bad feeling means something is wrong. So lately I’ve been finding myself really challenged not to take bad feelings as a sign of a problem.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah

Andy Izenson: You know, I can feel insecure, I can feel scared, I can feel angry. I can feel um- I can feel anxious and the only thing that’s necessarily evidence is my own feeling. And I can’t deal with that feeling by pretending it’s not there, or by trying to shift the material circumstances of my world to make it go away. I have to actually address my feelings head on and using my words like a grown up.

PolyRoleModels: Got you.

Andy Izenson: And that’s challenging for many people. And it gets exponentially more challenging the more people are involved.

PolyRoleModels: Well the next question is how do you address it, but it sounds like you kind of answered that in there.

Andy Izenson: Well I think the way I address it is by- is with trust. Like if the reason that it’s scary to express a bad feeling or to express a fear or anxiety or you know, or anger. If the reason that it’s scary is because I’m afraid that my relationship isn’t strong enough to hold that negativity, or I’m afraid that you know my partner would only want to be with me if everything was fine and easy, then the tool to address it is trusting my partner, trusting the relationship, trusting the communication the relationship and knowing that it’s strong enough to hold those things even though they’re painful.

PolyRoleModels: Alright in terms of risk aware or safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Andy Izenson: Well we uh, everyone’s got their own practice. And so for the relationships that are sexual, um we have-um whenever anyone wants to change a you know, a part of their practice and everything that’s connected in there has to be informed and it’s really about everybody having their own agency in their body and finding ways that everyone’s personal practice and personal agency can fit together in a way that makes everybody- doesn’t push anybody beyond their own acceptable level of risk. 

And it is a complicated practice and sometimes it takes a lot of [adjusting] because safer sex conversations are never just about safer sex. You know, it’s never just about you know what barriers you’re using and what types of relationships you do or don’t want to use barriers with. There’s always more feelings underneath that about trust and safety and bodies, you know about sex and all of that comes in play even if you think that- even if on the surface level you’re just taking about latex.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah. Um what is the worst mistake you’ve made in your polyamory history and how did you rebound from that.

Andy Izenson: I uh I have made this mistake more times that I’m happy about and it’s the mistake of thinking that um that the feeling of love is strong enough to overcome any problem.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah.

Andy Izenson: And typically there’s one problem that I keep finding that to be not true about and it’s the problem of a partner that’s not actually polyamorous.

PolyRoleModels: I see.

Andy Izenson: And I keep, in my history, I have repeatedly thought “this person loves me so much and I love them so much and we’re gonna figure out a way to make it okay” but it just- it always ends up with both partners feeling and having tangible evidence to suggest that they’re not enough. 

Because if my partner wants me to be monogamous with them, then nothing I can give them is enough to make up for the deficit they feel from me giving love to other people and they feel like nothing they can give me nothing you know, nothing about their love for me unless it’s evidenced to be enough by the fact of me becoming monogamous with could possibly be enough. 

And so I’ve- I’ve just followed that feeling of love um when the circumstances were- you know when that misalignment was there, um more than a few times. Because I just you know I was just so idealistic. I just believed in that love so much. But that is that has proved itself for me repeatedly to be a mistake.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah I definitely understand that. I’ve yeah, I know about that one. Um so what self-identities are important to you and how do you feel like being polyamorous intersects with those self-identities?

Andy Izenson: I would say that the first identity I would say is important there is uh that I would self-identify as anit-capitalist. And it’s my belief that capitalism and enforced monogamy are really tied together. Because we get taught by all of the culture and the media and stories that we get told. We get taught that love is finite. That when work and love work in a scarcity economy, there’s only so much to go around and you have to prove yourself to be worthy of it or else there won’t be any for you. 

And it’s completely ridiculous, but capitalism is an orthodoxy. It only works if you believe in it. And so it has to infiltrate every corner of our worldview in order to stay strong. And so of course it infiltrates our understanding of love. But I think we can start to liberate our bodies of capitalism by liberating our hearts from it’s orthodoxies. And if we imagine instead of being scarce that love could be abundant, it changes everything. And um if you think about it, it is completely ridiculous to imagine that love is scarce. 

If you light a candle with another candle, the first candle is not less on fire. And so I think in a practice of living in a way that is resistant to what capitalism tries to teach us, it’s about letting love be abundant and blossom into everything that it can be and not constrain it with the fear that is the substance of capitalism.

PolyRoleModels: Understood.

Andy Izenson: Yeah so I’m also queer and trans. And uh and those things are relevant both by reason of you know I don’t think living in Brooklyn and being queer and trans you really can be monogamous. I don’t think that’s really a thing. But also because both those things involve thinking critically about the stories that I was told when I was growing up about who I was supposed to be and how I was supposed to live. And uh and going through them and taking out the things that I actually wanted. 

That actually made sense to me. And keeping those and throwing away the rest and building something new around them. So in the same way as when I was young, everyone, you know, all of the stories that I was told about what my life was going to be involved monogamy, involved heterosexuality. They involved being a certain gender. They involved living a certain way and once you start, once you get sort of a crow bar in there and open yourself a little bit to the possibility that the stories you were told about who you were supposed to be might not be applicable or might not be real at all. 

They all sort come tumbling down and then you get this glorious opportunity to create the self that you actually want to be. And build yourself up. Um in a way that is critical of and resistant to the way that those blueprints are constraining.

PolyRoleModels: Fair, I’ve had conversations about masculinity with Bex Caputo of the Dildorks saying roughly the same thing.

Andy Izenson: Yeah, I love what Bex has to say.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, yeah, we both do.

PolyRoleModels: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you’re involved with that you’d like to promote?

Andy Izenson: Uhm, well let’s see. I’m a I have a- there’s a law firm that I work at. It’s Diana Adams law and mediation. We do education and advocacy and representation for people in non-traditional and polyamorous and queer and chosen families. So we do family law but from the perspective of your family is what you make it. And we shift and uh tweak and change the law to fit what our families actually look like instead of trying to change our families to fit the law.

PolyRoleModels: I see. Is that limited to NY?

Andy Izenson: So the direct representation that we can do you know in terms of actually being somebody’s lawyer is limited to NY, but we do education all over and also the mediation and alternative justice stuff that we do is you know, that can go anywhere also. So you know helping families create family agreements and build structures for sustainability and mutual care um no that’s not state specific.

PolyRoleModels: Awesome.

Andy Izenson: The other project that I’m very excited about. It’s called The Res and it’s a queer and trans intentional community and land project in um in upstate NY near Poughkeepsie. I know you may get hate mail for me calling that upstate. It’s in the Hudson valley. Upstate is anywhere north of the Bronx.

PolyRoleModels: That’s how I feel about it. I grew up in the tristate area. So yeah, that’s my take on it to

Andy Izenson: Great and so that is that’s a project that I’m really- I’m really putting my whole heart into. It’s my own poly family that’s starting it and all of the- all of the work that I’ve been doing, learning about alternative justice systems and community building tools and communication tools and all of these things. 

I’m putting all of that towards building a community for us that is strong and resilient and sustainable and builds out of mutual error and trust. Uh and probably by the time this airs, it’s really gonna be up and running. In such a way that people who need to get out of the city can come and stay. You know, we’ll be hosting events. Will be you know, doing- having retreats. And uh I would love for you to see it, Kevin, it’s really beautiful.

PolyRoleModels: That sounds really good. That sounds like somewhere I want to visit.

Andy Izenson: You gotta come visit. It’s worth it.

PolyRoleModels: Awesome awesome. Hey, I really appreciate you taking the time, especially having just hopped off a plane ten seconds ago from Germany, so I appreciate the time

Andy Izenson: My jet lag is starting to fade, but it’s tenacious.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, Yeah, fair so again thanks for being a part of this. Being a part of PRM.

Andy Izenson: Thank you and good luck with your book tour

PolyRoleModels: Alright, thank you.

---

Support Inclusive Polyamorous Representation at  https://www.patreon.com/PolyRoleModels

#polyamory #queer #transgender

[setoonaredpanda]

Leona Mcneal

Leona looked around so pleased with the results of her hearing if she had tear ducts she'd cry however the quills near her ear canals trembled with joy. She was going to get to see her parents home world. She knew better that to think she'd be seeing a planet that was rich and green like the stories she'd grown up hearing or to think she'd see a blue sky. Atmospheric pollution was still being filtered out but the technology she would be able to help introduce would be able to help.

Leona I'm here to escorts you back to the planet's surface until your departure date.

She glanced over to see a different young man than the one who had earlier escorted her. He wore black bands up and down both arms save one single green on his right arm.

"There is a shuttle in the bay ready to go I'll take you there."

"Thank you." Leona had learned human standard as a child but also knew many specific human languages, her mother had also been insistent she learn Aing standard as it was part of her heritage. She wished over and over that it weren't sometimes. She had learned many unpleasant facts about the Aing over the course of her life.

She shuffled along behind the human heading through the ship in a different way than she'd come to head back to the shuttle bay, reminiscing about her parents.

She would be returning to the the small farming community where her parents lived there were a few very few places on the surface where humans lived near or outside their military bases she had grown up in one of these bases after she'd been found at the bottom of a well after the capital's bombardment. Everyone had been so shocked she survived one of only a few 10 at most and the only female, also the only child. Toddler was a more apt description the way her parents put it. Their refusal to return her after the bombardment of the surface sparked additional conflicts with her native people but when she learned why they had wanted her back (and they as good as told her it was true) she had no desire to ever return. She was one of the few young female there species had left and she was being set up to breed more females specifically. She was mildly genetically mutated to only carry female eggs to be matured, since in her species that was a female trait. She found it strange when she discovered it was a male trait in humans that decided gender.

She realized slowly that the human in front of her had slowed down and she had no idea where she was on the ship. This was definitely not the shuttle bay.

"Where are we?"

"I'm taken you on a little tour."

"No thank you I would like to hurry back and tell my parents."

"It won't take long."

A new human appeared this one wore no green armbands at all. In all the time she had been around humans she recounted only a few not having even one green band and of those most were children born on ships yet to make the journey to Earth. This did not look like someone who simply hadn't reached maturity this was a career soldier one who had purposely and against human tradition not returned to Earth.

He spoke up but it was definitely not human standard this was something more like Russian she couldn't quiet make it out but she thought it sounded a lot like "guard the door." Guard the door she thought?

The next thing she knew there was a blinding searing pain, as her chest seemed it was on fire. Her brain quickly caught her up to speed and even began to plan her strike to attack back. The man in front of her was welding a knife a fairly long one and it had jagged teeth near the handle, he had already slashed her once in the chest and it went deep. The blood she was seeping out was mostly clear due to the high levels of nitrogen in her body, she also felt hot as her internal cooling system was now being disrupted. She scanned the room and saw very little that would be of any use. She could see inside the open lid of a crate a dust of some kind, and some wires coming out of the wall. She couldn't even wound this human or she knew an argument would be made to never allow her to leave. She grabbed the lid of the crate as an attempt to have a shield but it was no use. With no handle of any kind she had to hold the sides to try to bat away the knife earning her several cuts to her hands. She finally decided to use the lid to swing at the human causing him to jump back to avoid the collision. It was all the time she needed she sure hoped the wires coming from the walls were important she ripped them from the wall. They were short but could not be used to whip at the human to keep him back without actually striking him no alarm blared or anything so they weren't that important damn. He stuck at her again aiming low and slicing her leg. Oww that hurt she used the lid of the crate and smacked him hard over the head. He staggered back from her clearly dazed. Oh no what had she done, there went her chances. She dropped the crate lid and he struck again slashing down her arm near her for lack of better term shoulder (the way her arm joined to her body she looked similar to an iguanadon her parents had told her that anatomy would be hard for her since she had few other Aing she spent a lot of time around so they wound up describing her with mostly human terms) It hurt but all she was doing now was trying to dodge. It earned her to more cuts though not near so deep at the first two but now she had a new problem she was drastically over heating and fighting to not get sick. The urge to throw up the little food she had eaten was overwhelming and she did throw up all over the human. This enraged him further. Her blood was turning pink too never a good sign she was too hot. She staggered back. As she did she heard the door flying open.

"Leona!"

Her vision started going blue.

"Well crap. I'm here."

The same human from earlier that had been her escort rushed over.

"Shit! Shit she's hurt."

"What?" called another human. "Oh Shit. Call a medic."

"Leona can you hear me? She's bleeding everywhere!"

"It's not blood. It's coolent we don't bleed we have a vast complex cooling system. I'm too hot. I need to cool off."

"What? I'm only mildly aware of Aing anatomy. Coolent?"

She sat down and sat sideways along the wall against it the quills along her neck bristled. They started to glow white.

"We are carbon based like you but our next most abundant element is nitrogen we cool ourselves with a mostly nitrogen liquid. Because we rely mostly on a photosynthesis like process to run our bodies we also eat meats and other proteins to fuel our muscles."

She now felt feint.

"Medic!"

It was the last thing she heard.

When she woke up it was in a pleasantly cold room which when she looked around was also full of food. She was on a bed and the bed was a medical procedure table. She appeared to have wound bandages on her chest and a number of small bandages on all 4 fingers of both her hands, her tail was bandaged too.

Ah your awake we were so worried it was the voice of her mother.

"Where am I?"

Her mother spoke up sounding already annoyed, "the freezer of the ship."

"Ship?"

"The medical staff doesn't have a cooled surgical bay for Aing so they operated on you in a freezer and had to leave you in the same place to recover." She sounded thoroughly put out.

"Mom I'm OK really."

"You are not ok."

At this a medical officer walked in.

"Leona your awake."

"Why is everyone surprised by this?"

The dissident slashed you in your first heart. If you didn't have a second in your tail you'd be dead as it was they had to make some repairs to the second heart as well." That explains the second set of heavy bandages she thought.

"How long was I out for?"

"Three sols"

"Holy cats! Three days? Are you croaked?"

Her mother hissed "language."

"Sorry mom it's just I didn't feel that bad when they found me. Wait is that man ok is he hurt did he have a concussion?"

"What man?"

"The one who attacked me, I stuck him hard."

"What! That's what your worried about the guy who tried to kill you!" Piped up her father for the first time. "He tried to assassinate you, I should damn well hope you cracked him upside the head damn barbarian brut going after MY DAUGHTER."

She hated to see him so upset.

"I'm fine."

"No thanks to him. There was no security no one watching. Hell if you hadn't pulled out the panels regulating the thermostat you would have never been found."

"Oh that was what that was for."

"We are prepared to send you back to the surface for the duration of your recovery and upon the next ship coming to receive passengers for Earth you will be granted a new date to leave."

"No! Has the ship left without me?"

"No but your still recovering, you'll want to be on Aing."

"No I don't when is the ship leaving?"

"In about a week."

"Oh no," the quills along her head and neck trembled and drew in very close together. in these moments she looked most like the dinosaur iguanadon minus the fangs because her species were predators. "Please I want to go couldn't I just talk to the captain?"

"Well see what we can do."

A little while later she went back to sleep.

When she woke again there were two new humans standing before her. One was clearly the captain she had requested to see. Her arm shown at least 9 green bands and a single black one. The other was the human who had first escorted her to the audience chamber.

"I understand you wanted to see me."

"Oh um yes, sorry ma'am," She struggled to sit up. I'm Leona Mcneal I was granted permission to travel on board your vessel to Earth so I can help with its restoration."

"I know who you are."

"How can you know me? We've never meet."

"I know your parents the Mcneal's they are good people."

"Thank you Ma'am I love them very much. I was hoping, wondering if you would delay you return to Earth a week?"

"Is it still your desire to go?"

"Of course it is Ma'am I've always wanted to go."

"Even though you could be attacked again?"

She looked at the captain studying the woman hard looking for a motive. She couldn't tell what she was asking.

"Yes."

"I can't make you any promises Leona, the ship is due to leave at the end of this week and we must keep our schedule."

"I understand Ma'am." Her quills drooped.

"What is the date of your release from medical care?"

"No sooner than a week from your departure date. Or in 14 sols."

"I see. You are being transferred to the surface this afternoon to finish your recovery."

"I've always wanted to meet my grandparents they live on Earth. I thought maybe I finally would."

"There will be other ships."

"You watch, by the time the next ship comes there will be some new injunction to stop me from leaving or they'll repeal it or they will try to attack my shuttle."

"Don't be so negative."

"Sorry I'm just disappointed I may not get the chance."

"We'll see where your at at the end of the week ok?"

She was returned to the surface that afternoon her recovery room was cold and comfortable and her parents tried to be comforting too. She stared at the suitcase she had packed and ticked the days off. By the end of the week it was clear that while she was better she wouldn't be released by tomorrow. The ship would leave without her. The day of the ships departure came and she refused to see anyone even her mother. The doctors said it would only be a few more days and she could be released but after today it wouldn't matter the humans got what they wanted. She remained angry over the next two days as well refusing to eat not that she needed too her quills absorbed all the energy she needed for recovery. She was just bitter now. It wasn't until day 3 after the ships departure someone knocked on her door and she shouted for them to go away the person on the other side of the door shouted "No!" She got up to tell them to go away again but when she opened the door to the young man from the ship she shut her mouth and the words froze on her lips.

"Hello." He said calmly.

"Hello, what, wait why are you here?"

"I came to check on you how's your recovery?"

"My wounds almost healed I should be out in two days sooner than they thought Come in."

She moved out of the doorway and stood to her full height of 8ft.

"I feel strong."

#humans are space oddities #humans are weird #leona mcneal #story #armbands #part1 #humans are strange

[veridium]

Writer’s note on “A Detour, pt 2″ and Sex Matters

Hello demons, it’s me, ya boy femme goblin!

As I’m hoping some of you have noticed, the chapter wherein #Theiaphine goes to a new level of intimacy has gone live. As I was originally writing it, I spent a lot of time contemplating how I wanted to write and express this particular moment in their relationship. Indeed, when I first started writing them in the first place, one of my first creative questions for myself was how I was going to go about the “sex” thing.

In the process, I decided it would be best to accompany the posting of the chapter with a little blurb from me, and how my personal experiences have helped shape this fic. It’s a lot of my rambling on about my personal outlook on writing wlw and/or queer head canons, fictions, etc. so, be warned lol.

CW: discussion of sex, intimacy, queer experiences, etc.

When I did my first couple play-throughs of DA:I and I romanced Josephine, it occurred to me just how much fans’ adage that she was the “Disney Princess” of the universe was true. Her LI plotline was endearing, safe (by that I mean in comparison to the more perilous and complicated LI plotlines, a la a certain elf apostate). It was also very docile, and pretty PG in scope, save for one dialogue option you have in the Arbor Wilds where you suggest to her in passing that your Inquisitor and her will have some “private celebration” of victory later.

All-in-all, I am happy with how Josephine is constructed as a character, and just how much she brings to the table in terms of dimensions of the women in Thedas. I love her very much, as I’m sure you’ve gathered by my excessive exploration of a romance head canon between her and my f!Inquisitor Trevelyan.

That being said, when writing an explicit romance fic, I was kind of overwhelmed at just how to play the “sex” thing, given that it had been systematically dodged in the canon of the game. How would she react to the suggestion of intimacy with another woman? How would she adjust and change with the progression of a courtship into that space? Also, who was my character, and how would she handle all that alongside her?

For help, I spent some time reflecting on my own life experiences and those my friends have discussed with me. I identify as a genderqueer femme (she/her/they/them), but when I came out many years ago, I identified as a cis woman who was attracted to other women.

The one thing I did know for sure was, there was no way in hell their first sexual encounter was going to be perfect, or other-worldly, or seamless. I wanted it to be lovely and reflect the passion they have, but, not through perfection.

My first sexual experience with another woman was with one who shared my anatomy, and even though we had that commonality, I quickly learned just how daunting it is to love someone else sexually when your whole life has been groomed to be palatable to the “opposite” sex. I was raised to anticipate being deflowered and passive, and not to engage in egalitarian exchanges of needs, wants, and desires.

It was during that time that I realized just how little I knew about my own body, my own tastes, and what gratified me. I was a stranger to my own body, my own sexual proclivities, with the goal of being malleable to someone else -- a cishet man, preferably.

In writing Theiaphine, I injected some of that resentment and clarity into Theia, as she realizes she has no experience with intimacy. She feels overwhelmed and insecure, but as time goes on that inner anger she feels at her situation propels her forward into the great unknown. She doesn’t have a clue, but that won’t stop her. She also experiences life as a rebel Mage, and before that one in a captive Circle, and there are few opportunities for a traditional upbringing through puberty -- she does not learn of it from a doting mother, or a caring older sister. She learns via the scorned and resolute wisdom of other women in the Circle, who satiate themselves as a way of preserving some sense of control over their own bodies.

This juxtaposes Josephine, a noble woman who is sophisticated and groomed all her life to be a hallmark of class and virtue. She is not the archetypal virgin -- very few women, if any, are in the universe of Thedas -- but she does not akin her sexuality to controversial survival in the way Theia does. 

Instead, she reflects another side of who I felt I was, and indeed who many of my friends were in their initial years of being out, wherein you save face and look like you know what you’re doing, and wait for the situation to become trustworthy enough to divulge your lack of knowledge. She spends the initial time they share being enamored and self-preserving, keeping the dynamic within a premise she feels confident in: persuasive politics, tactful rhetoric, exchanges of wit. Theia’s personality is complimentary to this, which is why it is a successful convergence at first.

But Josephine takes that mindset and codifies sexual intimacy as a point of no return in many respects, even as she is has a hard time coming to terms with it. This mentality reflects her lifelong training in judging, controlling, and interpreting exchanges of power between people. Brokering her goals along with her emotions proves very difficult for her, and Theia does not relate. For Theia, a relationship is a relationship, but for Josephine it is a collaboration of agency and independence.

You’re probably wondering why this all is involved in a discussion of smut fanfic. To me, though, writing wlw stories, or queer storylines -- not to say they are intrinsically queer, but rather that they are constructed by queer creators -- means that you have to parlay the consequences of what you’re working with in order to write what you want people to see, feel, and observe within your narrative. I know I sound like I’m taking it way too seriously, but as someone who has hungered for so long to see narratives that I can relate to and feel affirmed by, (only to be sent into distress by queerbaiting, bury-your-gays tropes, and heartbreaking fallouts) I can proudly say that I do, in fact, taking creating these stories quite seriously and without apology.

Which brings me to my next and final point about this particular Episode. In the midst of their embrace, Theia offers to show Josephine quite literally how she would be most gratified. She takes the opportunity to do something that I have personally experienced with other sexual partners: a learning experience, a collaboration between two bodies that are eager to understand one another. Thinking about those encounters, I have realized just how invaluable they are for these primary (but not only) reasons:

1. Synchronicity in sex is so important, and when you have bodies that society tells you do not belong to you first and foremost, an expression of agency and self-awareness is a vital act of reclamation. Even in Thedas, were formally gender is not a dichotomous relationship of power, there are underpinnings of social norms wherein women are taken advantage of, used, and resented for their power and autonomy. 

2. Sex for the first time is not perfect, seamless, and without missteps. There, I said it. You’re awkward, you’re self-conscious, and you slide some limbs into some weird positions and you get over-eager. One of my biggest pet peeves with people who write books professionally is when they write their characters with this universal intuition about sex and their first encounter with an LI just seems to go SO PERFECTLY WELL AND EVERYONE ORGASMS AND DOES NOT FEEL WEIRD AT ALL. 

I wish more people would realize just how valuable it can be to depict characters who don’t know what they are doing, or are out of their element, or don’t directly accomplish what they want so badly to do. It adds nuance to the character’s traits and goals, to have them fumble or backtrack out of pivotal life experiences at first.

Also, as someone with a clitoris and a labia -- those things are sensitive. And by sensitive, I mean: cold hands, rough nail edges, dry and calloused skin, pointing a finger instead of pressing, multiple or one finger, WHICH finger, level of arousal, level of lubrication, humidity in the air -- these are ALL factors I have had to contend with and my peers with them can back me up on many, if not all, of them as well.

3. One of the most prevalent things I see in writing wlw and/or queer sex is the immediate designation of who is top and who is bottom. Now, I am all for people having these dynamics and getting gratification from them. That being said, it’s also okay to be playful with it as a trope, which is codified in heteronormative sex roles in a lot of writing. I think in Josephine’s characterization specifically, we all kind of assume “bottom, wayyy bottom, bottomless pit of bottom.” She’s a lady, she’s poised, she’s feminine. Theia wears pants and drinks ale = top? Okay, but no. We need to rethink what character markers we put into place when we designate top/bottom dynamics.

Is Josephine’s overt femininity enough to make her a bottom? Yes, and no.

Is Theia’s assertiveness and extroverted nature enough to make her a top? Yes, and no.

The point is that you have to give characters the imbued agency to decide that, and not to simply be in sync with the trope you’re utilizing. Theia is assertive in bed, but she’s also bashful and insecure, and she is very focused on making Josephine feel comfortable. Why not tell that story, instead of showing a heavy-handed top trope? Josephine is sensitive and compassionate, but she is also very driven and spirited. Why not show how she tries to make sense of it while exposing a side of herself for the first time ever, instead of showing a heavy-handed bottom trope?

Instead of signifying top/bottom as a binary, I see it as a collaborative exchange of action and trust. When Theia invites Josephine to sit on top of her, I feel like she defies the momentum built around her assertiveness on the surface level, because even as I wrote it I was like “there’s no way in hell Theia will not want to top.” But, that desire cannot overlook what Josephine wants or who she is. Josephine is her equal, her peer, her colleague, her advisor -- to merely relegate her to a trope of benign femininity is a disservice. Theia defers to her as much as she seeks to protect her.

So, TL;DR: writing this chapter was incredibly important to me because it represents my outlook on the potential for writing wlw storylines and/or queer storylines, not as replications of the tropes we are held against in real life, but for illuminating just how much we inhabit grey areas in our everyday lives. Our characters are created from us, from our minds, and thus they are irrevocably connected to our material and emotional conditions. There is great joy to be had in bending the rules, exploring “what if’s,” and showing another dimension to a trope or stereotype.

I also want to make clear: my perspective is not the pinnacle, nor universal experience of all people with vaginas/queer people/sexual people, etc. This is from my sole experience and what I have chosen to invest of myself into my own writing. I welcome and celebrate other opinions and experiences, and hope that instead of refining “the truth,” we expand its possibilities.

Thank you for reading my very long and arbitrary rant, and I hope you are doing well. Love and Light,

K

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