#Yes its been months and yes our art has improved since then
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This week's (16-08-2021 - 22-08-2021) reading log is here. This week's reading log is super duper long and filled with lots of good things (my apologies for the long post, I really could not find a good spot to do a read more). I discovered some new favourites and re-read some old favourites and while I had an intense week personally at least the fics I read were absolutely phenomenal. I do recommend checking out the warnings as some fics are a bit heavier/angstier and you might wanna be prepared. Most of these fics are Stucky but there are a couple of other ships in between.
If you are looking for more fun and/or good things make sure to check out the @marveldisabilitycelebration as well to see all the awesome art, fics, meta, etcetera people created! And while I am mentioning events I am a mod for let me also just quickly mention that sign-ups for the @stuckygiftexchange are still open until the end of the month <3
Favourites are marked with a 🌻 Fics that are only available to AO3 users are marked with a 🔒 and Tumblr fics are marked with a 🍀
🌻 The Bends by dreamsinthewitchouse @dreamsinthewitchouse [Danbeau, side Stucky, 2k words, Teen]
Memory is not a house you can just walk back into after finding the key you thought you’d lost. It’s a thing you wade into and out of, rewriting it as it rewrites you.
It’s not without its rewards, either - recovering a memory about Maria and Monica, about her life, feels better than socking a thousand bad guys in the face, better than all the photon blasts in the world.
Then again, realising there’s still memories she can’t access, even after all this time, feels like drowning in space.
Not the one out there - the one inside her.
🌻 Sweet & Salty by musette22 @musette22 [Stucky, 3k words, Teen]
Idiots in love. That's it. That's the fic.
When life gives you lemons by moonythejedi394 @moonythejedi394 [Stucky, 34k words, Explicit] (11/15 chapters)
Or 13 Terrible Things to Do With Lemons Other Than Making Lemonade
Steve Rogers is a home health nurse. He works for an agency, which assigned him to the aging Winifred Barnes, the one and only Silent Era Hollywood darling. As her needs increased, she requested the agency assign Steve to her full-time. She could pay for it, so she got it. Steve then moved in with her, becoming her caregiver; he cooked, he cleaned, he managed her medications, he made sure she was comfortable.
Winifred's children treated him less than ideally. He was the help, after all. And then Steve had the audacity to go and turn out to be eldest son James Barnes's soulmate. No one saw that coming.
🍀 SamRhodey Tumblr Fic by ipoiledi [SamRhodey, ? words, Teen?]
“Wilson, this is Rhodey; Rhodey, Wilson,” Tony Stark says, and suddenly some six foot tall sexy guy is shoved right in front of Sam, and they both stumble a little, bumping into each other. This is a crowded party. “You guys have things in common, right?” Stark asks. “Uh, Army stuff. Talk about that. I hate wallflowers; stop wallflowering and talk to each other.”
Shorteralls by moonythejedi394 [Stucky, 6k words, Explicit]
The first time Bucky ever saw Steve Rogers, he was struck by how Neanderthal-like his response was. It was immediately followed by a bout of mental scolding. The second time was just about the same. The third time, it was actually appropriate for Bucky to start a conversation with him, at which point he was determined to be the gentleman.
No such luck. Steve Rogers is, always has been and always will be, a relentless flirt. These days, Bucky's Neanderthal-ist feelings about Steve are consensual and highly appreciated. More so now that they're having a baby.
what the fuck are perfect places anyway by tigerlilycorinne [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]
Steve clears his throat and stands. “Well, I should head in. I might want to begin packing.”
Bucky stills. “You won’t,” he says, trying to sound commanding. It only comes out uncertain. “Don’t.”
Steve shakes his head. “Maybe not tonight,” he says, and Bucky knows they’ll be discussing this again soon.
“Then stay. Play… play cards with me or something.”
Steve’s eyebrows jump up, his mouth tugging up in another of his bemused smiles that do things to Bucky’s insides, but he drops his hand from the doorway and steps back into Bucky’s room. Somehow, Bucky feels as if he’s won—not the war, just the battle.
Steve won’t stay forever. But he’ll stay for cards.
Steve and Bucky, on the run after Civil War (with a few alterations to canon), are laying low in Wakanda. But they can’t stay there forever.
🌻 honestly thought i’d be dead by now, but what you can trust is that i need your touch by moonythejedi394 [Stucky, 105k words, Explicit]
Bucky is 37 years old; he’s unmarried, hasn’t had a Sub of his own, is definitely not ripped, comfortable at his job as an Advanced Practice RN at Brooklyn General ER, and just got his Five Years coin from AA.
Steve is 26 years old; he’s unmarried, his last and only Dom has Alzheimer's, he's worryingly muscular, uncomfortable in his job as the government’s poster Alpha for masculinity and strength, and worries more than he should about his BMI.
Unfortunately, Steve and Bucky meet initially in a not-cute moment. Bucky’s tired as shit thanks to the sudden alien invasion that shook New York and Steve is tired as shit because he hasn’t slept more than 20 minutes at a time in – well, since 1936, probably. Bucky’s Alpha instincts get irritated at the sudden presence of another "Alpha" into his territory and Steve’s suppressed submissive tendencies latch onto this grumpy bachelor Alpha and he only suppresses it further.
Bucky’s grumpiness and Steve’s duckling impressionism aside, both of them are a mess. But since both of them are a mess? Their messes seem to fit pretty well together.
Deep Sea Diving by Aida Ronan [Stucky, 5k words, Explicit]
Steve's wallowing in heat-related misery under a shade tree in Central Park when a man walks by in bright red booty shorts and a crop top. RIP Steve Rogers. It was nice knowing you.
honey, make this easy by steebadore [Stucky, 8k words, Explicit]
Bucky likes the way he looks. His silk button up with the tiny gold polka dots feels soft on his skin and is tailored perfectly; no pulling at his chest or belly. His hair falls in shiny dark waves and his skin is smooth and dewy. He looks expensive. He looks taken care of. He looks like Steve’s.
🌻 let's take it back to the start by howdoyousleep @howdoyousleep3 [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]
How it all began.
This sleepwalking through my life. by barthelme [Stucky, 1k words, Explicit]
The internet is an interesting place and when Bucky came home (or, when he came to live with Steve), Steve did a lot of research. Apparently, it’s not safe to wake a sleepwalker. He assumes that waking a sleepwalker with traumatic dreams and PTSD is beyond just being frowned upon.
And he tells himself--has told himself--that this is safer for Bucky. That if he were to stop him and wake him up, that Bucky would be mortified to be slurping on his best friend’s cock. That all of the improvements he’s made would be lost, would be repressed, would be just--
They’d be back at square one.
So he lets Bucky do it.
🌻 the way i've been craving by howdoyousleep [Stucky, 3k words, Explicit]
"Lunch break at 12:30. My office. Hope you’re hungry…"
It’s the ellipsis that sends Bucky’s insides swimming warmly, his heart beating twice as fast against his ribs where he sits in class. Senator Rogers is concise, direct, to the point. Without an ellipsis this is lunch, this is a meeting. With it though?
This is a booty call.
nasty but classy by howdoyousleep [Stucky, 4k words, Explicit]
“No, you don’t have to know the purpose, that doesn’t matter. Nat showed me this challenge where couples drink a lot of wine and get drunk together but they can’t touch each other. And whoever touches the other first has to...has to give the other head.”
🌻 Put It on Repeat, It Stays the Same by giselleslash [Stucky, 20k words, Explicit]
Steve and Bucky have a one night stand that turns into a friends with benefits situation. A weekend snowed in at Bucky’s apartment brings to light how much that really doesn’t suit either one of them.
Greetings to the New Brunette by victoria_p (musesfool) [Stucky, 10k words, General]
"You said he should have a hobby. That it would help."
"I meant, like, knitting or coin collecting. Motocross, if he was feeling antsy. A baby's not a hobby. It's lifetime commitment."
🌻 Rogers & Barnes: Partners by triedunture [Stucky, 10k words, Teen]
Steve and Bucky have to pose as a couple for a mission. Nat insists it really is the only option. She's checked.
The complication: unbeknownst to even Natasha, Steve and Bucky's friendship has been rocky ever since Bucky confessed his tender feelings and Steve left him out in the cold. Can asexual, completely-in-love-with-his-angry-best-friend Steve complete the mission and win Bucky's heart?
(The answer is yes. Yay!)
this will be our year (took a long time to come) by biblionerd07 [Stucky, 4k words, General]
Bucky's therapist is worried he's using Steve as a crutch and wants him to try going on outings without Steve. It wouldn't be terrible, honestly, if Bucky could just manage to open his mouth and say something to Steve.
I'll hold my breath by Little_Lottie (tfwatson) [Stucky, 8k words, Mature]
Sometimes Bucky’s hands flex in Steve's direction. Neither of them knows exactly why, but at least one of them has a hunch.
Bucky touches everything but Steve, even though Steve is all he really wants to touch.
Start from the Beginning by Mumble_Bee [Stucky, 13k words, Explicit]
What about a sex pollen fic where the pollen-ed one doesn’t remember getting hit in the face with a sex flower, and wakes up midway through the depollenating?
Or: the one where Steve wakes up on his back with a stranger buried balls-deep in his ass.
Match by emphasisonem [Stucky, 4k words, Mature]
The situation’s actually kind of funny from the right perspective, Bucky thinks as he reads the message for what feels like the hundredth time. He’s finally matched with a hot, funny guy. Tall and broad and clean cut. An absolutely breathtaking smile. Bucky’s walking wet dream. And he’s good. They haven’t messaged on the app, but Bucky already knows him.
He knows him because Steve Rogers is an art history professor at his university. His art history professor.
Best friends and married since childhood by StuckySituation [Stucky, 1k words, General]
Inspired by @/peterssquill's post in tumblr: "bucky and steve got married on the playground when they were like eight and though neither of them would ever admit it to anyone, even each other, they still consider it official"
~♥~ ♥~ ♥~
“Natasha, stop trying to set me up with every woman you meet, I’m-”
“Too shy? Too scared?”
“No, I’m-”
“Too busy? You’re mostly retired these days, not a good excuse anymore.” Natasha smirks and then drawls: “Or just too gay?”
Steve flushes at that, even if isn’t true -- he’s bisexual, not gay. “Let it go, Nat, I’m not looking for anything. I’m already married, for fuck’s sake.”
Clearly not what she expected. “What.”
Steve grimaces. He didn’t mean to tell anyone that, ever.
“Sorry, can’t talk about it right now!” he says and jumps out of the plane.
Nobody Should Be Alone on a Holiday by emphasisonem [Stucky, 2k words, Teen]
“So, um-” Bucky begins speaking again, pulling Steve from his less-than-work-appropriate thoughts. The brunet has shoved his hands into the pockets of his dark slacks, and he’s shifting from one foot to the other as he smiles shyly. “I have a question for you.”
“Shoot,” Steve grins, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his broad chest. Bucky swallows deeply as one of his hands comes up to pull at the collar of his button-up, and Steve can’t help following the motion of his Adam’s apple.
“I was, uh-” Bucky continues- “That is, I heard you don’t have Thanksgiving plans?”
In which Bucky finds out that Steve's going to be alone on Thanksgiving and invites his coworker to spend the holiday with him.
🌻 It's Been A Long Season Through by thiccbuckybarnes @thiccbuckybarnesfic [Stucky, 49k words, Explicit]
Bucky Barnes is in desperate need of a change in scenery, which is why he makes the foolhardy decision to quit his job, leave his asshole of a fiance, pack up his life, and move to his grandfather’s old farm all within a single day.
He expects confusion, hardship, and maybe even failure. But love? He wasn’t expecting that.
--
Or, a Stucky Stardew Valley AU that nobody but me wanted and that’s ok.
oh, peach pit, where'd the hours go? by thiccbuckybarnes [Stucky, 10k words, Explicit]
Can't see the forest for the trees.
--
Or, Steve learns that just because he and Bucky got their happily ever after, it doesn’t mean the past won’t come back to bite them.
I'll find my way by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 725 words, Teen]
Steve had watched Bucky fall, and nothing had been the same since.
AU-gust day 19: Daemons
special delivery by glim @glim [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]
It's not that Steve's bad at taking care of himself when he gets sick; he just wishes he didn't have to all the time.
At least he can order most of what he needs online. That's some small comfort, that he can have soup and ice cream and everything else brought to his door.
at first chance i'd take the bed warmed by the body by spacebuck @spacebuck [Stucky, 8k words, Explicit]
This close, Steve can see exactly how beautiful his hands are. He’s never really noticed before, or at least he’s never really had a reason to notice, but the man’s hands are large, tanned like he works outside all day. There’s an endearing callus on the heel of one of his palms, and Steve can’t quite work out when calluses became endearing.
Steve pauses the video. Swallows hard. Casts his eyes around for anything that’ll keep his mind off the hands on his screen, off the words inked into those hands, the delicate shape of a bird’s wing, the curling edge of a vine.
He looks down. The name of the channel is right there, blaring the man’s name right into Steve’s brain until it feels like he’s known it all along.
Bucky Barnes.
OR: the one where Bucky's a youtuber who solves puzzles on camera, and steve's smitten and horny
🌻 Rock On! by millesable @marvelousescapism [Clintasha, 700 words, General]
“Hey, Romanoff!”
He lifted his hand, index finger and pinky finger raised, thumb out, all other fingers tucked. Their secret sign; their confession for the world to see, safe in the knowledge that the world wasn’t listening.
“Rock on!”
🌻 You Like the Way I Look by dontcallmebree @iamthe-wo-manwhocan [Stucky, 2k words, Explicit]
Bucky sidles up to him, hand boldly coming to rest on his chest. “What about you, big guy? Care for a dance?” Steve watches Bucky’s eyes twinkle with satisfaction, somehow already knowing he’s got Steve on the hook.
A decade out of the ice, Steve Rogers returns to New York. Reeling from a battle against the Chitauri, a night with the troublesome Bucky Barnes might be just what he needs.
Join the Rebellion by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 765 words, Teen]
Bucky knew he shouldn't be out after curfew, but he couldn't resist the urge. He didn’t know where he was going, but he knew it was where he wanted to be.
AU-gust day 20: Dystopia
🔒 Five Days in December by mywingsareonwheels @mywingsareonwheels [Evanstan, 4k words, Teen]
“Shit shit shit shit...” muttered Chris to himself, glad that the sound of piped Christmas carols was drowning out his swearing amid the picture books. Most of the store was heaving even though it was Sunday, he’d been recognised at least three times, finding presents for all of his nieces and nephews was proving far more of a headache than expected, and he’d just sent a pile of copies of "Strictly No Elephants" tumbling off the bookshelf.
He scrambled about trying to pick them all up, and then dropped them again as someone bumped right into his backside. He lost his balance, caught himself against a bookcase, and a landslide of "Carter Is a Painter’s Cat" joined "Strictly No Elephants" on the floor. He yelped.
“Ah fuck, I’m so sorry… Chris!”
* * * * * * * * * *
London, December 2021. Amid cats, books, and the cold English drizzle, Chris finds everything he was hoping for and thought he would never have.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Reaching for Fire by dixons_mama @dixons-mama [Stucky, 7k words, Explicit]
Bucky has always felt a fire in his heart (and other body parts) when it came to his boss, Steve Rogers, but he's made sure to never feed those flames. When he finds out about Steve's second job, though, he's tempted to let that fire out.
i've been dreaming of a face like yours by thiccbuckybarnes [Stucky, 3k words, Explicit]
Bucky is about to busy himself with making a small dinner for himself when he stops in his tracks at the figure drinking a cup of coffee in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and smirking at him.
It’s Steve.
“Surprise, sweet boy,” he says before setting his cup down.
--
Or, PWP reunion sex
🌻 Somewhere, Under Your Skin by thiccbuckybarnes [Stucky, 16k words, Explicit]
Bucky Barnes treats himself to a one-night stand after having a very bad no good day.
The sex is good--great, even. Might be the best sex of his life.
But Bucky wouldn’t have slept with the guy if he had known that he was going to continuously run into him every day for the next fucking month.
--
Or, a Big Grump Bucky has a hot one night stand with a college kid who is popping up everywhere in his everyday life and he doesn’t know how to deal with it.
(Written for HYBB Bingo Square: Grumpy Bucky)
i've played heartstrings before but not in your key by thiccbuckybarnes [Stucky, 11k words, Explicit]
He glances down, seeing a folded couple of papers, before peering up at Bucky. The older man is biting his bottom lip, making it pretty and red. Steve wants to run his tongue across where his teeth are digging into his flesh.
"What's this?" Steve asks, setting his phone down, emails forgotten. Bucky shrugs and looks away.
"I dunno. You tell me, genius," he says, sounding bratty enough that it makes Steve's dick twitch in his pants. Jesus, there has to be something wrong with him.
Steve glances once more at Bucky, who now has his arms crossed against his chest and is pointedly not looking at Steve, before picking up the stack of folded papers. He opens them, seeing a collection of maybe five or six sheets of paper. His eyes immediately land on the list of familiar words with negative next to each one.
--
Or, Steve Rogers is a jealous, possessive little shit that wants nothing more than to mark up his boyfriend and stake his claim. And Bucky knows it. (And he likes it.)
🌻 I'm Home (With You) by BonkyBornes @padfoot-and-the-marauders [Stucky, 2k words, General]
In any other circumstance, the apartment would've been perfect. But it was today, and the fact that he was here meant he wasn’t out searching. He knew they hadn’t had any leads for weeks and he knew Natasha was right; all three of them were exhausted and a break would do them good. It just felt wrong to Steve that he was comfortable while Bucky was still out there—somewhere. Probably cold. Probably hungry.
The knock came again. Sighing, Steve unwrapped his hand from the dog tags and remembered how to move. Cold wind and snow greeted him when he opened the door. The solitary figure was walking down the steps, collar popped against the chill.
“Did you need something?” he called.
The person stopped. They were still. And then they turned. *
Or, the Christmas Steve deserved after Winter Soldier.
The portrait by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 915 words, General]
Steve Rogers has a Gift. He can help people find their soulmates, all he needs is some art supplies, a quiet place, and eye contact.
AU-gust day 21: soulmates
Maybe A Muse by buckybarnesdeservestobehappy [Stucky, 2k words, Mature]
When Bucky Barnes needs extra money, he’s appalled that his best friends think he should become a model for the art department on campus. Shy, nerdy, and socially awkward, he’s not sure that’s something he feels comfortable doing. Still, he needs money, and he likes the idea of becoming someone’s muse. The problem is he had no idea two things would happen. First, one of the students in the class is exactly his type; second, he has to model nude.
#my reading log#r's reading log#fic rec#stucky fic rec#fics recs#stucky#danbeau#samrhodey#longpost#long post#clintasha#evanstan
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It’s been a long while since I’ve posted but I’m so glad that I am :’)
This is for Day 1: of @prucanweek - Ordinary
Apologies for spelling errors, it’s a little short but I hope you enjoy 😭💞
-
Matthew doesn’t mind that he’s living an ordinary life. Really.
He grows up near the coast, two parents, a fraternal twin brother, and their gangly hairless cat, Tony (picked curtesy of Alfred). Their parents take them everywhere they can during their childhood, the beach, museums, sports game. They focus on their interests, figuring out what the two like and dislike, as they encourage them both to be themselves and do what they love no matter what. Alfred debates between whether he likes wrestling or football more, while Matthew settles into hockey. In between family get togethers, community festivals, and endless sports training, they somehow have time for homework. (The two share answers a lot.)
He and Alfred each have their own rooms when they enter their teen years, a space to decorate and fill with their own mementos and awards. The sports continue, but later their parents find themselves a little bit busier than before. They do though, give them as much time as they can during the school year, never wanting them to go without someone by their side.
Matthew fades into the background a little bit as they get older, while Alfred puts himself front and center. Matthew watches once with a hand over his eyes as Alfred auditions for the school musical, and surprisingly he read and sings the lines well. “It’s always the rowdy ones!” their theater teachers says after he’s finished performing, a mix of anticipation from planning on putting Alfred on stage and dread at the thought of having to manage him.
Matthew silently supports him, after all he has his own things to do.
He’s the co-caption of the hockey team, the coach giving him the position to give him a little more of a voice, and his teammates verbally agree, considering on the ice Matthew has a lot more to show than he does in person. He accepts, albeit hesitantly.
By the time graduation comes by, Matthew can barely believe how the time has passed. His team even wins a championship under his watch. Some of his fellow classmates look so ready to go out and experience the world, and it’s scary to him because weren’t they all going at the same pace?
His parents talk him through picking his college of choice, and he decides to go. He needs to do what everyone does and experience the world.
And if he decides he wants to come home, that’s okay because at least he tries.
-
He’s in his first art class during his third year at university. The time has been going well, he’s got pretty decent grades and has managed to join a few clubs. But he’s not done yet. Extra curriculars, can’t finish without them. He prioritizes his general education first, and even slips himself into a few major classes early on, but humanities is on record now and has to be completed no matter what one’s studying.
He can get through one semester, he hopes.
Next to him, a student is snickering and the professor doesn’t look amused.
“Gilbert.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“If you’re done, I can introduce myself now.”
The professor goes in with complete, in-depth introductory slides with her name and credentials, and a briefing of all they will overcome this semester.
He’s never been an artist, at least not one that picks up a pencil and creates a realistic masterpiece with nothing but that and a pad of paper. Maybe some poetry contests in high school, if that counts. The written word has its own impact, its own set of colors to breathe out for the world to see.
There’s another snicker, interrupting his internal monologue.
He doesn’t say anything, because he doesn’t know the student, and it’s not his place to control others. But, if it starts to hinder the class, maybe he’ll tell him something. He’s paying to be there, too.
The man catches him staring.
“Yes?” he asks Matthew without being spoken to in the first place.
“Oh,” Matthew flushes at being caught, not that he was trying to hide it anyway. “Well, she didn’t say anything funny?”
The guys waves a hand, making a “psssh” noise as he does.
“I’m just laughing because of how formal this all is. She won’t be this dignified later in the semester that’s for sure. She’ll be ripping her hair out.”
Matthew glances back, he doesn’t want to say anyone looks mean but, he would believe it if she was.
“You look scared,” the guy laughs, which is rude because isn’t he the one that just put the thought in Matthew’s mind? “She’s not too mean just a sticker to the rules. Will get real pissy if something doesn’t go right.”
“And you still set her off knowing that?”
The man laughs again, but this time around he’s actually trying to contain it behind the thin art easel. He’s not very hidden.
“She’s my cousin’s wife.”
Ah, that makes sense then? Messing with family is normal, but also he shouldn’t be bothering her at work.
“It’s no wonder you seemed casual.”
“She taught both of the lower division figure drawing classes, too. This is my third semester in her class. She’s the only one teaching this specific class I didn’t have too much of a choice.”
“Art major?”
“Yep! And you?”
“Psychology major. I have to get in some cultural classes.”
“Ever taken art?”
“Actually no, not even in high school. I got through that stuff by working backstage in the theater department.”
“Well not to worry my friend, because you picked the best one.”
“Is it easy to pass?”
“Nope. Well, maybe if she likes your work,” Matthew deflates at the blunt response, “but don’t worry because I’m here to be your guide.”
Matthew perks up, but it takes him a moment. This guy’s gonna help him?
“Are you any good?”
“Am I good?” He looks perplexed Matthew would even ask. Matthew has to cover his own amusement. “I may not look it but charcoal and I go way back. I’ll show you my work later as proof.”
“Deal.”
“Gilbert, since you’re adamant on talking, you can be the first to introduce yourself.”
Even if his name wasn’t said, Matthew feels just as guilty. Caught, for talking on the first day of all things.
“Gilbert Beilshcmidt. Fourth year. I’m an art major and my favorite breakfast food is pancakes.”
Matthew looks surprised that he was paying attention, even to the last addition of their introduction. Matthew’s not sure he would have known considering he was distracted.
-
And so their friendship starts.
-
Gilbert sits next to him again. And again.
Where ever Matthew sits in the art room, Gilbert follows not too long after.
Some days they take the sitting desks, some they stand and lean against the stools.
And despite not even talking much, Gilbert treats him like a friend.
-
“Do you have any plans this afternoon?”
“Nope, this was my last class.”
“Do you want to get some coffee and work on our sketch books.”
“Yeah, let’s go.”
-
Matthew finds himself meeting Gilbert in his downtime. Every Thursday after drawing for three hours becomes the day they meet. At first, all they do is draw, little more.
Gilbert is animated in all moments, but he has short spurts where he focuses exceptionally on his work. Matthew is no art critic, but he thinks Gilbert expresses himself quite well on paper. Graphite, charcoal, and pastels, all the utensils glide easily without a single stroke missing its mark.
Watercolor though, could use some work, which actually happens to be Matthew’s favorite. Even if the intention is to guide the colors with a brush, it’s okay for them to take a life of their own spreading across the thick paper.
They share snacks, art supplies, and their time.
Gilbert proves himself very useful as he promised. Matthew though never planning to be the next Van Gogh, has to pass this class. And it would be nice to pass it with flying colors, but some concepts are harder to grasp than others.
It’s obvious to tell he’s a beginner, while Gilbert excels. Matthew finds out he only now needs the intro class since it’s the first semester it became a requirement.
Gilbert helps him find the shapes he’s comfortable with, explains the processing for hatching and how it relates to shading. And while he’s no expert, he sees a subtle improvement over the next few weeks that makes some pride swell within himself.
-
“Do you want to come with me and my friends to this cool bar for dinner on Friday?” Gilbert asks about a month into the semester.
It’s the first time Gilbert and him will have spent time off campus.
“Yeah, I’d love to.”
-
Gilbert’s friends are just as animated as he, it’s almost hard to keep up. Overwhelming as they are, they’re extremely welcoming. Matthew eases into the atmosphere, joining in when he can but mostly pleased to be out and doing something different.
He’s made friends during his time, but like him they’re a little more reserved and pick quieter places on the town.
It’s fun. And he wants to go out again.
Matthew invites Gilbert and his friends to watch his next hockey game.
After their shock in finding out he plays such a violent sport, they’re all agreeing and planning to find the best seats in the arena.
-
“Are you serious. Are you hiding muscles under that red sweater?”
Gilbert pokes at him, it tickles when he gets closer to his biceps, but he knows he’s only teasing.
“You think I’m playing but I’m serious! You should have been there, well you were there. On the stands, I mean. We all screamed after you sent that player flying against the wall.”
Gilbert recreates the motions, but only slams himself into the wall and whines after he bounces back. He then plays it off like it doesn’t hurt. Gilbert’s not a very good actor.
People tell him it’s so much different watching him on the ice, but it’s still him. He’s always wondered how much different, he feels like himself. He just knows he goes into the zone when he’s in his gear. He just wants to win. And he will.
“It’s like night day,” Gilbert continues. “You were ready to kill a man down there.”
“You’re not the first to say that. I guess maybe, I could be a little more out there in real life, huh?”
Gilbert stops walking.
“Nope.”
“Nope?”
“You’re perfectly fine the way you are. I like the way you are, so don’t go change. I don’t want to be at risk of dying during art class.”
And as silly as it sounds, he’s pleased. He likes Gilbert a whole lot, too. Just the way he is.
-
“Do you want to have dinner with me?” Matthew takes the initiative.
“Dinner?”
“Yeah, just you and me. I want to take you out.”
“Like you did to that guy on the court,” Gilbert laughs nervously.
“On a date. Gilbert, would you like go out with me?”
He says yes.
Later that evening when he’s heading home, Gilbert starts running through the courtyard cheering that “I have a date with the cutest guy I’ve ever met!”
Matthew’s window is open, he’s face is bright red and he slams head first into his pillow. He needs to plan the best first date ever.
-
Three months into dating, he’s finally heading home again for a school break. He wants to take Gilbert with him, who is waiting for the next major holiday to go back home. But isn’t it too soon? They haven’t been dating that long, after all.
But Gilbert surprises him, and jokingly says he wants to go with him because he’ll miss him too much while he’s gone. And then, Matthew asks if he seriously wants to go.
“I do.”
So they ride the 3 hours train down to Matthew’s childhood home. He’s a little bit nervous, because he’s had dates to school dances, and brought friends over, but this is entirely different. This is someone he wants to take a serious step with, even if the time hasn’t been that long. They’ll never get anywhere if they don’t, so they’ll both take the leap and pray it works out.
“Mom, dad, Alfred, this is Gilbert.”
It’s the most timid Matthew’s ever seen him.
“Nice to meet ya, I’m Matthew’s boyfriend.”
After he shakes all their hands, he takes his hand back to link pinkies with Matthew.
There’s not an once of regret in his mind as the long weekend passes.
-
Gilbert graduates the next year, and the year after it’s his turn. They’re going to move in with each other. Gilbert really has no irresistible urge to go back to his home town, satisfied with just visiting a few times a year. And Matthew thinks he would like to go back closer, just to figure out his next move. So, they go together.
It’s only a one bedroom, but is more than enough space for them both. Gilbert finds work as a docent while Matthew works for a second degree in education.
He still plays hockey for a local league, Gilbert becoming their number one fan. They find their own rhythm, a pace that works for them both, where they can settle down or speed up when they agree with each other. Dewey mornings, warm summers, chilly evenings they spend them altogether.
They decide move up North closer to Gilbert’s hometown. Matthew’s more nervous meeting his grandparents than he was introducing Gilbert to his own family, but Gilbert assures him again and again they’re just a stuffy old family who actually really care about each other a lot more than they let off.
Gilbert’s grandfather towers over him, despite being a hair above 6 feet. He’s silent, eyes boring into Matthew as he introduces himself. And to end all of Matthew’s worries, the elder man pulls Matthew into a hug and tells him he’s glad him and Gilbert are home. Gilbert, just as perplexed as he, stares, but he melts into a pleased laugh.
Yeah, this is his and Gilbert’s home now.
-
They stay, for a long while, contemplate moving a few times, but they’re satisfied for now.
Gilbert and him always make time for each other, continue their own respective interests with complete support of the other. They’re never afraid to complain, because they always work through it rather then let it simmer.
Gilbert’s vivacious spirit keep them going, and Matthew’s heart keeps them grounded.
His life at first seem a little bit ordinary, but how can he complain when the pieces of the puzzle fit themselves in and stayed locked in tight.
#hetalia#prucan#prucanweek#APH Prussia#APH Canada#.txt post#I forgot all my writing tags#will fix later HAHA
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Phantom Children Ch. 6
Hi guys! I'm back <3 (also, I'm currently looking for alpha/beta readers for Phantom Children, so if you're interested, feel free to shoot me a message!)
In Which: Danny Attempts to get Answers, Bruce Learns, and Dick Finally Learns What's Inside the Door that Doesn't Exist
AO3 | Prologue | 5 | [ 6 ] | 7
DANNY IS KNOCKED DOWN three, four, eight times on the ice. Each time made his back ache, his bones bruised and tired, and his mind burning with embarrassment and a drive to lash out. But each time he gets back up. Each time he lasts a little bit longer against Talia.
The ice still shifts, cracks and rumbles with every wrong move. Danny learned to roll with it. Move on light feet but attack with a firm stance, gauge which parts of the ice are stable and which should be avoided. Multi-tasking has never been Danny’s strong suit, but he’s good at learning and learning quickly.
Talia corrected his form as much as she beat him down. Exploited every one of his openings until he learned to defend them and praised him whenever he managed to pull one over her. The League’s martial arts was the holy amalgamation between almost every single fighting style there is, mashed and refined to perfection to become almost unpredictable to the untrained. A vast improvement to Danny’s previous ‘fuck around and see what works’ brawling and had the added benefit of meshing together with his spontaneity.
“You are doing well, Daniel,” Talia said as she sheathed her sword, hand resting just above her hip. “You have improved greatly in such a short time, as I have expected.”
It takes every ounce of Danny’s superhuman energy to not collapse to his knees, his every breath a ragged shudder as he tries to get his breathing under control. “Still can’t beat you, though.”
“Very few can boast that feat.”
“I’m not exactly sure if that’s supposed to make me feel any better or not. Do I get my prize at least?”
Tahlia tossed her braid over one shoulder with a laugh. “Come, then, let us rest in the caves. The sun is to set soon and we must make camp before we freeze to death.”
“Hypothermia is so last season. I’m way too cool for that.”
He didn’t know whether to be disappointed that Tahlia didn’t react to his pun. It was pretty clever, in his opinion.
('Puns are the lowest form of comedy,' said mind-Jazz.
Says the one who named the Box Ghost the ‘Crate Creep.’
'That’s alliteration, not a pun.')
It was kind of pathetic that even his mind-version of Jazz was smarter than him.
“What would you like to know first?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Sarcasm dripped from Danny’s voice. He sheathed his sword and let it hang loose at his side. “Maybe how old this mysterious brother of mine is?” Ancients, his life was weird enough already, it wasn’t supposed to sound like the B-plot to a bad soap opera.
“Damian is younger than you by a little over four years. He will turn eleven this year.”
“Huh. Never been an older brother before.”
“Perhaps you might have been, if circumstances had been different.”
Cryptic. Great. Danny stepped over a particularly large crack in the ice and scampered over to solid ground. “You gotta give me more than that. What’s he like?”
“Prideful,” she said. “But skilled enough to warrant it. He was raised like a prince—as how you should have been.”
“And he lives with…our dad?”
“Yes. In America.” The cave was deep enough to shield them from the worst of the eventual mountain winds. Tahlia had already started building a campfire with equipment from her knapsack, embers eating away and growing into a steady flame. He sat down, legs crossed, beside the fire, hands tucked beneath his armpits.
He bit his lip, a question forming in his mind. “Do…do we have the same dad?”
Tahlia looked up at him. “Of course. Only your father has had the privilege of being called my beloved, and only he is worthy enough to have sired my children.”
Once night fell, it fell quickly. Blanketing as far as Danny could see from the mouth of the cave in a thick darkness. Snow fell from the skies in thick tufts and covered their footsteps.
“Does he—do they know about me?”
“No, they do not.”
“And you probably aren’t going to tell them anything about me, if you could help it.”
“That is very perceptive of you, habeebi.”
“You won’t tell me anything more about them, will you?”
“In due time, I will.”
Danny blew part of his fringe away from his face. Figures.
Despite the ever-present niggling at the back of his mind, Bruce had yet to see what was in the flash drive. The weeks since his strange meeting with Vlad Masters suddenly exploded with criminal activity with the recent breakout in Arkham and the brewings of another gang war in the shadows of Gotham’s paved streets. It was all hands-on deck. And Bruce, whether as Batman or Wayne, had always prioritized Gotham and its citizens over anything else.
The flash drive remained on his person despite the crisis, tucked away in one of the sturdier compartments of his utility belt to prevent the data inside from becoming damaged. Sometimes he found his hands gravitating towards it, fingers brushing against the button that would release the mystery from its confines before he realized what he was doing and steeled himself. Hands fisted to his side and attention forcibly directed elsewhere.
Eventually, the rogues were placed back into Arkham, and Gotham let out a shuddered breath of relief as it remained standing for another day.
Most of the family were out on a light patrol, cleaning up the remains of the breakout and helping where they can. Jason and Dick bickering over the comms whilst Barbara laughed in her clocktower.
(“It’s not that bad.”
"‘It’s not that bad’—shut the fuck up.” Jason spat. Bruce could hear him revving his bike. “You’re a fucking idiot, you know that? Certified Grade A idiot. B’s gonna kill you.”
He could hear Dick roll his eyes. “Sure, pile it all on, Jaybird. Blame the victim.”
"It was your fault.”
“It’s not my fault I didn’t see it there!”
"You tripped and got a concussion. From a stick. A. Stick.”
“Can we please just leave that out of the report?” Dick groaned. Barbara laughed. “Oh god.”
“Richard motherfucking John Grayson. I swear if you vomit on me then—”
“I’m not gonna vomit on you! You just turned the corner a little too fast. It’s nice to see you care though.”
"Fuck no, I just don’t wanna smell like regurgitated cereal.”)
Damian was benched from a patrol. Their last conflict with Poison Ivy ended with Damian sticking a bad landing and twisting his ankle. He dealt with it with as much grace as can be expected. Meaning that he spent the last few days sulking as he caught up on his missed schoolwork and shooting daggers at everyone else who came back from patrol.
Bruce flicked the flash drive open and plugged it into the computer. The flash drive contained only a single folder dated six months ago.
He clicked it, and a news headline popped up.
LOCAL TEEN DIES AFTER DRIVING OFF CLIFF
Beneath it, a picture. Blue eyes. Black hair. A familiar face.
Blood pounded in Bruce’s ears. He could hear nothing except a sharp gasp from Damian behind him.
When Dick and Jason arrived at the batcave, it was to an eerie silence. Not that it was usually loud, only that Bruce spent most of his free time down in the cave and Dick had come to expect hearing some signs of him around. Typing on keys, the clicking of a mouse, the heavy thuds of a fist meeting a punching bag or a training dummy, etcetera, etcetera. Or maybe even Alfred cleaning up around the cave, feeding the bats, or restocking their med bay.
(Dick, it turned out, didn’t have a concussion. Probably. Not a severe one anyway. What mattered most was that he managed to convince Jason to have dinner at the Manor. Alfred was making a tarte tatin for dessert tonight and those were absolutely to die for. )
One of Tim’s cases took him to the other side of Gotham. The only person in the cave was Damian, who was staring agape at the batcomputer.
“Why the hell is the demon spawn looking at old pictures of Bruce? We get it. They look alike.
“Uh, Dami? What’s up?”
Damian snapped his mouth shut. “I believe it might be best if you asked father that, Grayson.” Despite his clipped tone, there seemed to be little anger in his voice. His proud shoulders were hunched over on the chair, eyes trained on his lap.
He looked so small.
Damian clucked his tongue. “He’s upstairs, if you need him. So is Pennyworth.”
Dick shot a glance at Jason who raised his hands in mock surrender. “You’re up golden boy. Whatever the fuck the old man’s problem is this time, I’m not dealing with it.”
Dick sighed. “Fine.”
There was a door in Wayne Manor that didn’t exist.
When Dick was a child and recently adopted by Bruce Wayne, one of the first things he did was explore the manor. It’s the prerogative of every child that somehow found themselves in a large mansion—even more so given the castle-like exteriors of Wayne Manor. All castles have secret passages, and if the Batcave lay in the subterranean depths below, then surely the manor proper must have its own secrets.
Dick would tumble and cartwheel along the hallways, opening any and every single door he came across. A lot of them were just empty bedrooms or unused parlors and sitting rooms; the furniture covered by white sheets to keep the dust away. Alfred was probably magic, but even he can’t keep the entirety of the manor dust free.
The majority of the unused rooms were unlocked.
Except for one.
It was a room in the west wing, on the second floor. A couple doors down from where Bruce’s and Dick’s were. Why it was locked, Dick never found out. But he was curious since it was the only room on that floor that remained shut.
When he asked Alfred about it, the old butler only said that it was an unused storage room they preferred to keep locked just in case. When he asked Bruce about it, he’d be quick to change the subject. Usually something Batman related. Which, well, always worked, because it was Batman related. And Dick, young and spry and itching to fly under Batman’s wings, would quickly forget about that curious little mystery in favor of punching bad guys in the face and flipping over rooftops.
At some point that locked door quietly disappeared, leaving a blank expanse of wallpaper and a decorative vase where it once stood. It was never brought up again. And Dick slowly forgot that it was ever there in the first place.
Until now.
The wooden table and vase were shoved off to the side. Wallpaper sliced away to reveal the lines of a doorway. The door, covered in its faint damask wallpaper, was kicked open, the wood around the bolt splintered and cracked. He could hear voices—Alfred’s and Bruce’s—speaking softly on the other side.
He pressed his back against the wall and kept his breathing quiet.
“Three times, Alfred.” Bruce’s voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper. “Three times she’s done this to me.”
“Master Bruce…”
“I don’t—I don’t understand why—” Bruce choked, swallowing a shuddered breath. “Damian, I can understand. Jason, I can too. But…This? I—” Bruce suddenly quieted. Dick knew the jig was up.
He unlatched himself from the wall and slowly slid through the once-hidden-door, a hand kept on the frame. “Um. Hi, Bruce? Alfred?” The words fell flat, stilted. Dick winced as he said them. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but, uh…” He trailed off the second he registered what was in the room.
It was large, as so many rooms in the manor were. The room was covered in peeling green wallpaper with faded pictures of baby deer and owls and other woodland creatures prancing about. There was a dresser on one wall. A shelf filled with little picture books and stuffed animals on the other. A brown teddy bear had fallen on its face on one of the shelves.
In the middle—where Bruce was hunched over—was a crib. The wood streaked and aged with time, the beddings within pristine and untouched, if not dusty. Hanging overhead was a mobile with little animals dangling on a string.
“Worry not Master Dick. It is good that you are here since it will inevitably involve the rest of the family at some point.”
Dick nodded absentmindedly, trying to lock eyes with his guardian. “B? What’s—what’s going on?” Dick took one step deeper into the room. “The pictures in the cave. I thought they were you since they were too old to be Damian—” Bruce’s hands on the crib’s railing flinched.
Dick’s breath hitched.
“They’re…not your photos, are they.”
Bruce took a deep breath in, the lines of his shoulders tense. “No. They’re not.”
In their line of work, the answer could have been anything. Clones, magical doppelgangers, alternate universe counterparts, hell, even just someone’s genetic code being coincidentally similar to another person. But…this room, this nursery, pointed towards only one conclusion.
“Who is he, Bruce?”
Bruce angled his head towards Dick, unshed tears glimmering in his eyes. “He’s my son, Dick.
“He’s my son.”
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PEDRO PASCAL GQ GERMANY - OCTOBER 2020
Original text by Esma Annemon Dil
Fotos by Doug Inglish
Styling by Simon Robins
Translated by @thedanceronthestreets
Intro: A broken tooth could almost have been the reason for our meeting with Pedro Pascal to be cancelled - and with that our conversation about roots, his new movie and times of change.
Interview: It is almost eery how empty the streets of Los Angeles are under the gleaming sun. While Europe is finding its "new normal", people in L. A. are cutting their own hair even without being neurotics. Many of them have not seen their friends in half a year. The pandemic is out of control. So are the reactions to the situation. Inviting someone to a "distance drink" in the backyard can lead to the same consternation as proposing a relationship partner exchange.
All the more of a surprise was Pedro Pascal's immediate confirmation. To the drink, not the partner exchange. He is one of the winners this year - and if Corona had not forced the movie industry to go on a holiday, he probably would not have had the time for this drink. After "Game of Thrones", the series in which his head was squished, followed 2015 the leading role in "Narcos" as a DEA agent on the hunt for Pablo Escobar, and now the leap onto the big Hollywood screen. As of 1. October the Chilean will appear in the blockbuster "Wonder Woman 1984". Furthermore, the second season of the "Star Wars" series "The Mandalorian" will start in October with him as the main character - unfortunately underneath the helmet. But we all seem to be under the same helmet in 2020. It is this man we want to meet, who worked as a waiter in New York a couple of years ago. Whose parents are political refugees that settled in Texas, and one day their son decided to walk into a drama club in high school.
And then the cancellation. While we were preparing the house and garden for Pedro's drink and fashion shoot, which isn't an easy task under L. A.'s restrictions, his management called in with terrible news: Pedro has - no, not Corona - had to receive emergency surgery due to a sore tooth and is now lying in bed with a swollen cheek, making talking or shooting impossible. The sun shines onto empty streets. And our empty garden.
A few days later, he stands in front of the door anyway, no huge bulge in his face, but stitches in his gum. No limousine service that dropped him off, he arrived in his own car and picked up his makeup artist on the way. He helps her to carry in all the equipment and states first and foremost: "I've got time today!" What a star! It does not seem like we are about to ask him how he managed to become a Hollywood sensation, but rather him asking us that question. Pedro Pascal! So, what kind of star is he then?
Pedro Pascal: Sorry for ruining your plans. The operation was a total emergency.
GQ: Really? We were wondering whether the swelling was the result of a secret trip to the plastic surgeon. Apparently, because of the quarantine in Hollywood, their schedules are packed.
Sorry to disappoint you. A few days before our appointment I raced to the hospital with a tooth fracture and the worst pain I've ever felt - a hospital where the severe Corona cases are treated. I was unable to contact any dentists! Right before I parked, a specialist called back. I'll spare you the details of the surgery, gruesome. The pain was excruciating despite the 10 anaesthetic shots. The doctor said I wasn't the only one going through this, a lot of people grind their teeth at night thanks to stress.
What are you most afraid of at the moment?
The way the government is handling the pandemic scares me more than the virus itself. The lack of intelligent crisis management is a moral disgrace. The leadership crisis makes orphans out of all of us - we're left to fend for ourselves.
How have you spent the last few months?
With frozen pizza in jogging trousers in Venice Beach. I live in a rear building that's in the garden belonging to a family. In reality there are enough good takeout restaurants around that area, but for some reason I like salami pizza from the supermarket.
That doesn't exactly sound like the movie star lifestyle. What does it feel like to be forced from top speed to zero?
Considering the things happening in this world, my own state really isn't the top priority. But I would have to lie, if I said I wasn't disappointed. The entire cast and crew of "Wonder Woman 1984" put so much heart and soul into the production. We had so much fun on set. I had hoped to carry this feeling of exuberance around the globe to the openings of this movie.
You are part of a political, socialist family that fled the Pinochet regime in Chile. What do you remember from back then?
My sister and I were born in Chile, but I was only nine months old when we claimed asylum in Denmark. From there, we moved to San Antonio in Texas, where my dad worked as a doctor in a hospital.
Texas isn't exactly considered to be socialist utopia. How well did you settle in?
San Antonio isn't a cowboy city but rather very diverse with large Asian, Afro-American and Latino communities. In my memory it's a romantic place, culturally inclusive. The cultural shock only hit when we moved to Orange County in California later. Suddenly, the environment was white, preppy and conservative.
How were you welcomed in California?
To this day I'm ashamed when I think about how I let my classmates call me Peter without correcting them. I'm Pedro. Even without growing up in Chile, the country and language are part of me. I was quite unhappy in that place. At least I was able to switch schools and visit one in Long Beach, where I felt more comfortable. With its theatre programme, I found my path.
Could you visit your family's homeland as a child?
Yes, after my parents ended up on a list of expats that were permitted to re-enter the country. First, there was a big family gathering, then me and my sister were parked at some relatives' place for a few months while my parents returned to Texas. They probably needed a break from us. They'd had us at a very young age, had a vibrant social life, and my mother was doing her doctorate in psychology.
Was your mother a typical young psychologist that tested her knowledge at home?
You mean whether I was her lab rat? Absolutely. I can remember weird sessions camouflaged as games, where someone would watch my reactions to different toys. Even though I couldn't have been older than 6, I knew what was happening. My favourite thing was to be asked about my dreams. That was always a great opportunity to make up fantastic stories.
Was that your first performance?
Definitely! My strong imagination alarmed my mother, because I'd rather live in my fantasy world than in real life. I didn't like school. I ended up in the "problematic kid" category. At some point the subjects got more interesting and my grades improved. So many children are unnecessarily diagnosed with learning disabilities without considering that school can be daunting. Why is it acceptable to be bored out of your mind in class, when there are more stimulating ways to convey knowledge?
With everything happening in the world this summer: Do you believe that social hierarchy structures are genuinely being reconsidered?
Hopefully. After the lockdown my first contact with people was at the Black Lives Matter protest. The atmosphere was peaceful and hopeful until the police got involved and provoked violence. At least during these times we can't avoid problems or distract ourselves from them as easily as we usually do. It seems that the pandemic provided us with a new sense of clarity: we don't want to go on like this.
The trailer of "Wonder Woman 1984" represents the optimism of the 80s. That almost makes one feel nostalgic nowadays.
That holds true. It's two hours of happiness. Patty Jenkins, the director, managed to make a movie full of positive messages. We shot in Washington, D. C., then in London and Spain - which now sounds like a different time.
Do you miss travelling?
I've only now realised what a privilege it is to just pack up your things and fly anywhere. With an American passport you can travel freely. And that's why the small radius we live in now is kind of absurd. Over the last few years I often retreated in between takes, because I was always on the road and overstimulated. Friends complained about how comfortable I had become. We all took social interactions for granted and realise now how reliant we are on human connection. Now, I wistfully think about all the party and dinner invitations I declined in the past.
In L. A., people spend more time indoors or in nature than in other metropolises. Could this city become your safe haven after New York City?
My true home is my friends. Ever since I was young I've lived the life of a nomad and haven't set roots anywhere. Until recently, my physical home was a place for arriving and leaving and hence I didn't want to overcomplicate living by owning lots of things. The opposite actually: Without having read Marie Kondo's book, I got rid of all the stuff that was unnecessary and lived a very minimalistic lifestyle.
Is there something you collect or could never say goodbye to?
Books! I still own the literature I read during my teen and university years. Recently I found a box of old theatre scripts and materials back from my uni days at NYU. I can't separate from art either, same as lamps or old pictures. Furniture and clothes are no problem though, they can be chucked.
Do you remember any roles that were defined by their costumes?
Yes, "Game of Thrones" comes to mind immediately. During that time I first understood what it means, as an actor, to be supported by a look. I owe that to costume designer Michele Clapton. She developed these very feminine robes and brocade cloaks for my role that looked very masculine when I wore them. I felt sexy in them. And very important were of course Lindy Hemming's power suits and Jan Sewell's blond hair for the tycoon villain Maxwell Lord in "Wonder Woman 1984". Relating to the style, I couldn't really see myself in the role since the shapes and colours of the 80s don't really fit my body. My type is the 70s.
Do you adopt such inspirations into your private closet?
At this point in time, I'll choose any comfortable outfit over a cool look. Sometimes I mourn the days when I defined myself with fashion. It's a bit mad when I think about how, in the 90s as a teenager, I would go to raves; a proper club kid with crazy outfits: overalls, chute trousers, soccer shirts and a top hat like in "The cat in the hat knows a lot about that!" by Dr Seuss. Later in NYC I was part of a group that placed immense value on wearing a certain style. The fact that I only walk around in joggers nowadays is actually unacceptable!
Normally, actors who work on comic screen adaptations become bodybuilders and eat ten boiled chicken breasts per day. You don't?
My body wouldn't be able to handle that. I find it difficult enough to maintain a minimum level of fitness. As of your mid 40s, you suddenly need a lot more discipline. Until the tooth incident happened, I worked out a couple of times a week with a trainer to keep the quarantine body in shape.
What would annoy you the most, if you were your own roommate?
I can be very bossy. I have to gather all my goodwill not to force my movie choice on to everyone else. When I want something, I'm not passive aggressive about it, I attack head on. Also, I can get caught up in tunnel vision: When i feel down, I can't imagine that I'm ever going to feel better again. I have difficulty with seeing the bigger picture when experiencing problems or emotions. Method acting really wouldn't be my thing. That's why I try to only work on projects that feel good and where people encourage and lift each other up.
While you were trying on the outfits you pointed out a lack of self-esteem. How does that coincide with your career?
Isn't it interesting how traits and circumstances go hand in hand? Self-esteem comes from the inside, but it's also influenced by what society believes. We use critical stares from the outside against ourselves. I lived in New York for 20 years, I studied there and worked as a waiter up until my mid 30s, because I couldn't live off acting. It was always so close. The disappointment of always just barely missing a perfect part or opportunity is exhausting. When is the right time to stop trying and what's plan b? That's not just a question actors ask themselves, but anybody who struggles to earn a livelihood - unrelated to how much potential they have or how close their dream may seem. We are beginning to see now how our narrow definition of success is destroying our communities. At the same time, it's becoming obvious that, until this day, your family background and skin colour determine your chances of living a dignified existence.
What are the positives of becoming a leading man later in life?
I have the feeling that I've got control over my life - without the pressure of having to accept projects or be a social media personality. That surely also has to do with the fact that I'm a man. Women are surely pressured to appear quirky at any age.
Life is always a management of risks - especially at this time. For what would you risk losing something?
Usually, if you don't play the game you're not going to win anything. That applies to friendship, love, work, creativity. Anything that really means something to me, is worth the risk.
Wonder woman 1984 will appear in cinemas 01.10. The 800 million dollar earning DC comic franchise is moving into the New York 80s with its sequel. It looks spectacular - only Pedro Pascal with blond hair in a three piece Wall Street suit looks better.
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To land ‘Loki,’ Kate Herron had to pull out all the stops. How she won over Marvel
As a teenager, Kate Herron was obsessed with the “Lord of the Rings” films.
In particular, she recalls heading to theaters repeatedly with friends who shared her passion to see “The Two Towers” (2002), the second installment in director Peter Jackson’s trilogy based on J.R.R. Tolkien’s epic fantasy novel. She even wrote “Lord of the Rings” fan fiction.
“It was very silly,” the British filmmaker insists, revealing that one of her stories saw the heroic Fellowship traveling through a magical fountain and getting trapped in New York. “Honestly, I was just writing the stories to make my friends laugh. I guess it was kind of that first foray for me: ‘How do I tell a story?’”
Years later, Herron is again involved in telling a story about a protagonist displaced from the world he knows. But this time, her audience is much bigger.
Herron, 33, is the director of “Loki,” the Marvel Studios series that follows the adventures of the titular god of mischief after he has been plucked out of time by an agency charged with maintaining the sanctity of the timeline. Thus, the six-episode series, which premiered earlier this month on Disney+, features a slightly different version of Loki than the fans of the Marvel Cinematic Universe have grown to love since his first appearance in “Thor” (2011) through “Avengers: Endgame” (2019).
“I love villains,” says Herron during a recent video call from Atlanta, where she is putting the final touches on “Loki.” “I think that if a villain’s done right, you don’t necessarily have to like their actions, but you have to understand them. And I think that Tom [Hiddleston], in the last decade, has brought such empathy and wit and pain to a very real character for so many people. I just wanted to be part of whatever [Loki’s] next chapter was going to be.”
The series, on which the self-described Loki fan also serves as an executive producer, is Herron’s highest-profile project to date. Her previous credits include directing on Netflix’s “Sex Education,” as well as “Five by Five,” a series of short films executive produced by Idris Elba.
While growing up in South East London, Herron never considered filmmaking as a career. Her love of movies manifested as the aspiration to become an actor, and she often goaded her peers into putting on plays or making movies using a friend’s father’s camcorder. It wasn’t until some astute and encouraging teachers at Herron’s secondary school pointed out that she seemed more interested in storytelling that she changed course.
By introducing Herron to new texts, these teachers — as well as a film studies class that covered films directed by Stanley Kubrick and Akira Kurosawa — helped expand her perspective.
“I just didn’t know that you could have a voice and an authorship over a film, which probably sounds a bit silly. But I just hadn’t really thought about films in that way,” says Herron. Soon enough, she was on the path to film school at the University for the Creative Arts in Farnham, England, where she graduated with a degree in film production.
Herron laughs as she remembers how she believed she would just go off and find work in film straight out of school. “Obviously that did not happen,” she says.
With no post-graduate roadmap (or job offer) to help her break into the industry, Herron eventually started writing and directing short films with “no money” while juggling a day job as a temp. Both experiences provided Herron with material for “Loki,” which introduces a new bureaucratic agency called the Time Variance Authority to the MCU.
“I’ve worked at a lot of random places, which weirdly has influenced ‘Loki’ in some ways because we have this office culture kind of running through it,” says Herron. “I’ve worked in a lot of offices.”
In order to give the retro-futuristic offices of the TVA “a real lived-[in], breathed-in office” feel, Herron incorporated details that viewers could recognize from the real world — from paper files to the posters on the walls — and gave them a fantastical twist befitting the superhero series.
“One of the most exciting things to me about Kate is she has this amazing attention to detail,” says “Loki” co-executive producer Kevin Wright. “That was something that we saw on her very first pitch [and] it works its way into every frame of the show. Every monitor, every piece of paper in the TVA … she has looked over and approved everything you see.”
In an email, “Loki” star Hiddleston described Herron as “a dream collaborator” who possesses “a unique combination of extraordinary diligence, stamina, energy, respect and kindness.”
“Her affection for and understanding of Loki was so deep, profound and wide-ranging,” Hiddleston wrote. “She built a new world for these characters to play in with incredible precision, but she was also acutely sensitive to their emotional journey.”
Herron’s affinity for outsiders is apparent throughout the course of our conversation. There is of course her love for Loki — the heir to the king of Frost Giants raised as the prince of Asgard who has become one of the MCU’s most beloved villain-turned-antiheroes. Herron’s first introduction to the world of Marvel as a kid was through “X-Men: The Animated Series,” about the superhero team with mutant powers that set them apart from average humans. Herron cites Lisa Simpson — the overachieving, opinionated middle child from the animated sitcom “The Simpsons” — as the reason she is a vegetarian who can play the saxophone.
And although Herron describes herself as shy, it’s no match for the passion she brings to discussing film and television.
She calls Wes Anderson’s 2001 film “The Royal Tenenbaums,” co-written by “Loki” actor Owen Wilson, “a perfect movie.” In addition to being obsessed with “The Simpsons,” Herron gravitated toward genre shows such as “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” the updated “Battlestar Galactica” and “The X-Files” when growing up.
As Herron enthusiastically dives into “Loki’s” influences — which include “Alien” (1979), “Blade Runner” (1982), “Brazil” (1985), “Metropolis” (1927) and, yes, even “Teletubbies” — it’s easy to see why Wright knew she was the right person to bring “Loki” to life from their very first meeting.
Upon learning that Marvel was developing a show about Loki, Herron tasked her agents with calling Marvel every day until they would meet with her. And it worked.
“I was just so excited that somebody was chasing the project,” says Wright. “Which sounds crazy, that Marvel would be excited somebody’s chasing us. But it was the early days of us trying to get this Disney+ streaming stuff off the ground, so people were very hesitant … they didn’t know what it was yet.”
Herron’s enthusiasm for the show landed her a video meeting with Wright and executive producer Stephen Broussard. Believing it might be her only shot at the project, Herron came armed with so many stills and clips to illustrate her discussion of the scripts she’d been sent that a simple meet-and-greet turned into a four-hour conversation.
“Over the course of the next week or so,” Wright explains, “it was really figuring out how to set Kate up to succeed when we got her in front of Kevin Feige to pitch this.”
Herron put together a 60-page bible of ideas for the characters, the story, the visual references and more. The rest is Marvel history.
She learned not to wait for permission, she says, after graduating from film school and becoming involved with improv and stand-up to both develop her comedy chops and to meet funny collaborators to be in her short films.
“I think I’d always find excuses, almost, [to not do it],” says Herron. “It was that thing of being like, ‘Oh, well, I’m not ready. So I’ll wait. I’ll wait until I’m perfect at it and then I’ll go do it.’”
Taking inspiration from Robert Rodriguez’s “Rebel Without a Crew” and a SXSW keynote speech by Mark Duplass, Herron realized that she just needed to start making things. She told herself it was OK if the films were messy. If a short was bad, nobody had to see it. If a short was “halfway to good,” she would submit them to festivals.
It’s this tenacious creativity that connects the dots between her early fan fiction, her short films, her pitch presentations — and now “Loki” itself. It’s a trait that has helped her navigate the industry to her current success, even during the periods it’s been most frustrating. As a female director, “I got asked crazy stuff in interviews sometimes,” she says of life on the festival circuit. “I remember being asked, ‘Are you sure you’re ready? Are you sure you’re ready?’ And male colleagues of mine were never asked that in interviews. I think that’s probably why I was so driven to just go out and make stuff.”
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My Cousin, Pedro Pascal
Ximena Riquelme
16 NOV 2017 12:53 PM
Before being the protagonist of Narcos or filming with Colin Firth, José Pedro Balmaceda Pascal (42) was a child whom I knew very well because we are from the same family. A man who today looks with nostalgia and some perplexity at his place of origin and his history and who still does not answer what would have happened if he had stayed here.
The first memory I have of Pedro is in the arms of my mother during his baptism, in the garden of my house. She was a weeping bus and had huge black eyes. I was 9 years old. It was cloudy. Years later I learned that the priest was Gerardo Whelan, the legendary rector of Saint George's College. Pedro's parents were not at his baptism: my uncle, José Balmaceda, my mother's only male brother, and his wife Verónica Pascal were asylees at the Venezuelan embassy, which was on Bustos street, near my house. Pepe, as we used to say to my uncle, who years later would become a famous gynecologist, an expert in fertilization, was then a 27-year-old young doctor, in those days wanted by Dina. Some time before they had hidden Andrés Pascal Allende, Mirista and his wife's uncle. One day they came to take him to the José Joaquín Aguirre Hospital and he managed to escape by jumping through the roofs. It was October 1975.
Like most of the Chilean families, there were supporters of both sides in mine: for and against Pinochet. Trying to help Pedro's parents, my dad called a relative who held a high position in the Army. "Tell the children to get asylum, because I cannot guarantee their lives or that nothing happens to Veronica," was his reply. She was 22 years old. Then began the journey of my uncles and with them that of my cousin José Pedro Balmaceda Pascal. Pepe and Verónica had to start living secretly in different houses. Pedro, who was only 6 months old at the time, and his 3-year-old sister Javiera were left in charge of my mother's older sister, "Aunt Juani."
The second memory I have of Pedro is when I accompanied my parents, who carried him and his sister in their arms, to stand on the sidewalk in front of the Venezuelan embassy so that their parents could see them through the window.
My uncles left the Venezuelan embassy for the airport in January 1976, Pedro was 9 months old and obviously does not remember anything. I just remember that they didn't let me go. Pedro could not record the image, which I could not see, of his grandfather Luis Pascal Vigil - a very prominent lawyer - singing the National Anthem on the balcony of Pudahuel. A memory that is not mine but that I adopted, for cute.
As the people of the International Red Cross advised our family on time, Pedro and his sister did not leave the embassy with their parents, but arrived directly at the airport: this allowed their passports not to be stamped with the "L" for " limited to circulate "that stamped on the exiles who left. Therefore, the years that Pedro and Javiera came could come to Chile without problems. And for that reason, the choclón of cousins, we were able to share long summers in Pucón and some winters in Santiago.
The Balmaceda Pascal first arrived in Aarhus, Denmark, in October 1976. A year later they left for San Antonio, Texas, where Pedro's father was able to continue improving himself thanks to a grant from the Rockefeller Foundation. Veronica earned a PhD in Child Psychology.
________________________________________
"But Denmark is invisible to me," Pedro writes me by email. A while ago I proposed to interview him at a distance to travel a little about his history, and here we are, in front of the computer, sharing memories. "It is invisible to me, like everything that happened before. Although once, after telling him about my childhood, a doctor told me that the temporary separation with my mother was trapped in the memory of my body and that I could remember it through the senses".
My cousin, far away
The third memory I have of Pedro is a summer in Pucón. It must have been in 1978. "Pepelo", as we said, was no longer a guagua but a restless, very blond boy, who was so impacted by poverty in Chile that when he went out on the street with his gringo accent, he asked any person: "Are you poor?" He took food out of the pantry and gave it away. With my cousins we rented a warm wooden house, colorful, with the door frames out of square. It was summers with trips to those black sand beaches that burned the feet and picnics in Caburgua with lamb on the stick. They took us to mass and Pedro sang very inspired.
"This is where the memories become more vivid, like dreams," he writes. "I remember so many details: my older cousins, children my age who were like family. The beach seemed endless. I also remember running down the hallways and stairs of Aunt Juani's house looking for Santa Claus at Christmas."
XR: What was it like leaving your parents in the United States?
PP: "I think the trauma was going back to the States, although I obviously wanted to be with my parents. But childhood in Chile, with the Balmaceda and Pascal, was a dream, a world where nothing was missing, pure adventure and love."
Now that he tells me that, I remember that image of Pedro hanging on the neck of our aunt Juani, crying in Pudahuel because she did not want to return. At that time going to the airport was a panorama: we were going en masse to leave him and his sister, who traveled in charge of the stewardesses.
In 1981 I went with my parents and my two sisters to see the Balmaceda Pascal in Texas. I remember an eternal road trip from Miami, I remember Pedro's house, in a middle-class neighborhood, comfortable, beautiful, lovingly arranged by his mother. I remember the tears of my mother and Pedro's mother when we said goodbye to return to Chile. We still didn't know when they could return. Although Pedro never fully returned.
In December 1983, Pepe and Verónica were able to enter Chile. The whole family was packed on the terrace of Pudahuel, waiting for them. I remember the Balmaceda Pascal walking from the stairs of the plane to the International Police. I remember them happy, triumphant. Pedro was 8 years old and chose to stay in my house, in love with my girl sister.
We all went to Quintero, to the house of our grandfather Pepe, a great smoker, tennis player, and fanatic fanatic who took us to the town cinema to see double Tora! Programs, Tora !, Tora! More Bridges on the River Kwai and other old movies. Surely Pedro had to see several. Since he was a boy he said he wanted to be a "director". He liked horror movies and was a big movie consumer, like his dad.
PP: "I remember going to the movies with the cousins and the grandfather to see anything with Clint Eastwood, Sylvester Stallone. They leased me VHS movies to see alone and happy."
XR: You once recited Hamlet on the beach with Grandpa.
PP: "No, it was Death of a Salesman, by Arthur Miller. I was about 14 years old. I videotaped it and lost the fucking camera on the trip back to the United States."
After that summer, Pedro began to come more sporadically. He was already grown up, at school and then at university. They had moved to Newport Beach, California. His father was doing very well. But Pedro, not so much.
PP: "I think that the way the family supported me in Chile was the opposite of what I experienced in Newport Beach. I started well in California but at 13 years old, very involved in the cinema, reading plays, books, TV, TV, TV, obsessed with these things, I had the bad luck to find few like me. It was a world very attached to conservatism and its privileges where not fitting was punished. There was a group of shitty goats who were my friends the first year and became my terrors thereafter. I don't enjoy remembering that time, but there are deep connections from back then. Friends of my parents who are like parents until today."
Pedro's mom soon found a performance arts program at a high school in another district. A more inclusive school compared to Corona del Mar, the neighborhood where they lived in Newport.
PP: "My mom and my driver's license were my salvation. There I was able to unleash my appetite for movies and theater without limits."
As time went by Pedro became a fun, provocative teenager with character. He said he was "lazy", but he went to study Theater at NYU in 1993 and he loved it.
I started to see it less. When he came to Chile he went out with his friends, I was already married and having children.
XR: Did you find that our way of life was very boring?
PP: "Bored, no. But overwhelming regarding life's permanent decisions. I didn't have the Catholic structure, and I felt there was no room for a young guy like me. Like suddenly, from one trip of mine to another, you had lives that included marriages and children, and pleasing the visits of the gringo cousin was no longer an option for all of you. I had to duel, because I was jealous of his inattention."
XR: Do you find us very conservative?
PP: "Yes, but it is a major contradiction for me. I come from the perspective that no one can decide how someone else should live their life. And well, in our family there are social rules that are very firm. I think that a person has the right to live his life conservatively or wildly as long as he does not negatively impact anyone or tries to embarrass others by his lifestyle. I don't touch these issues very much with our family for fear of hearing their perspective, but what I do know is that if I ever needed help I could ask any member of our family by the name of Balmaceda, and I would get it."
In 1995, Pedro's parents returned to Chile with their two youngest children, Nicolás and Lucas, who had been born in California. Javiera also came for a couple of years. Pedro stayed in the United States.
PP: "It was a very scary period. I grew up with my family in the United States and from one day to the next there was no home to return to. Suddenly the idea of the safe nest was gone. It was shocking because in previous years I took for granted the privileged life we had in California. I never thought that this could change as suddenly as happened to my parents when they became exiles. Everything felt fragile. Also, I knew that my parents' marriage was wrong and that the tension of those circumstances was hardly going to end. My mother's life felt in danger and the line between needing her, being there for her and finishing my studies and pursuing a career was a horrible conflict. I knew that my mom wanted me to continue doing mine, she never would have wanted me to sacrifice it."
XR: Did you really resent the failure of your parents' marriage?
PP: "For me it was the hardest time. I have not been able, and I do not know if someday I will be able to reconcile completely how my parents separated and the tragedy that came after that separation. The circumstances of my mother's death made it very hard for us to keep her memory of who she was. It hurts so much ... Sometimes I feel distressed and try to face it in the best possible way, because I know that my mother would not like me to do it in any other way."
Pedro lost his mother when he was 24 years old.
PP: "It's hard to say what I remember most about her. You met her, so it is easy for you to understand that she was the love of my life. I think of her every day. Since I don't pray, I can't say that I have a practice to feel her close, but I live for her even though she's gone, and that makes sense to me."
From Alexander to Pedro
XR: Do you believe that pain makes us stronger or does it seem like a horrible cliché?
PP: "I don't think it's a terrible cliche but a profound reality. In some way, losing the most important person in your life, discovering that something like this is possible and that what you fear most in life can happen is an identifiable and permanent moment. There is a before and after after his death. I think, yes, that old age would not have been for my mother, there would have been no footwear with her. Of course, no one wants to grow old, but others can handle it better. I would not have liked to see my mom struggling with it, but at the same time, I wish I had her every day still with me."
It may have been the summer of 2012. Pedro said to our aunt Juani: "I am 37 years old and I still can't get what I want. And it's the only thing I know how to do." It had been a long time since the death of his mother in the summer of 2000 that Pedro had changed his name. From Pedro Balmaceda to Pedro Pascal. He had been searching for years, years of casting where, by being called Pedro Balmaceda in the studios, they hoped to find a Latin or classic Mexican phenotype. He had only made minor appearances in some series.
XR: Although you did not regret it, you did wear Alexander at some point. Why?
PP: "That was a desperate period and directly related to having lost my mother. I was desperate to work, to fill my days with something more to suffer. To eliminate the confusion that casting directors had with this guy named Pedro with European or Caucasian traits, I changed my first name to Alexander and took my mom's last name, Pascal. That only lasted a year, until I was able to find a job and be selected for an Ibsen theatrical classic. But it was too late for people to identify me as "Alex". Also, my mom named me Pedro. So the decision was to call me Pedro Pascal, a name that fits with me more than any other."
Soon after that came Brothers and Sisters, other small roles, and later more important ones in The Good Wife, The Law and Order, The Mentalist, until Game of Thrones, Narcos in 2015 and now, filming Muralla china with Matt Damon and William Dafoe - last year we all went to see his cousins together - and then Kingsman 2 with Colin Firth, Julianne Moore, Jeff Bridges, Halle Berry and Channing Tatum.
XR : Have you ever been excited acting with such powerful actors?
PP: "I have been thrilled with everyone."
With fame have come the new meetings of the cousins with Pedro Pascal. We all want to see him, take pictures of us, we ask him for greetings-chub for friends, we inflate ourselves by saying that he is our cousin. That Peña, the protagonist of Narcos and the sexiest guy in the world, is my cousin-brother. He laughs and humorously calls us "scoundrels" because now we remember him. In fact, that's what our cousin chat on Whastapp is called.
But there is also the modesty to disturb him. Know that you are busy. That while I'm sending you these questions, you're filming in Boston with Denzel Washington. And to feel that there is always a lack of time to speak to him calmly, a space to ask him questions like the ones that occur to me now:
XR: Exile changed your life. Can you imagine growing up in Chile?
PP: "I don't know, because I haven't thought much about it. I have been asked this question all my life and have never been able to come up with an answer. Perhaps my life would have been more complete and solid. What I am used to is that the past disappears as if it had been lived by someone else, in another time."
XR: Do you miss something from when you were Pedro Balmaceda?
PP: "You know? There is very little difference between Pedro Balmaceda and Pedro Pascal. As it is all part of José Pedro Balmaceda Pascal, I feel the same person. But with back problems and more money."
XR: Would you like to start a family?
PP: "Being a dad? I don't know. I have no fucking idea. I love being an uncle. It may just end there. But anything is possible."
XR: Marialy Rivas said something very nice about you on Saturday: that when you play a character, you pretend that this character brought a whole previous story, much bigger than what they are telling. And it's true: you carry a bigger story than you tell it.
PP: "I don't know, cousin. I am very confused trying to organize the past and see what turns out. It helps me understand the pain or be grateful for what I have. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud, living between waiting for fame and attention and completely embarrassed by these wishes.
In reference to what Marialy said, I think she means that I put all my confusion, joy and sorrow, ambivalence, hostility, rage, love, lust, greed, compassion, ignorance, knowledge either to indicate a map with the finger on Narcos, throwing an arrow in Game of Thrones, lashing out at Kingsman. Cool! But I think my experience in theater taught me that."
XR: Would you someday like your life to be a script?
PP: "No way." (in english)
XR: Do you still want to be a "director", as you used to say when you were a kid?
PP: "Yes! That will be my way of being a father. Father of a production."
XR: Is dreaming about an Oscar the dream of every actor, even if you don't confess it?
PP: "I confess that possibly… yes."
#pedro pascal#cousin#la tercera#2017#family#mother#father#asylum#embassy#pedro pascal article#article#javiera balmeceda#peter balmaceda#cousins#pp article
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You Pick a Fight - P3
I have long since forgotten what prompts from the prompt list that we used for this, but as requested by @imagine-that-100, the third and final part of You Pick a Fight. Enjoy!
True to his word, Matty absolutely did give me hell for everything I had said and done while in hospital. Word spread pretty fast in our circle of friends about how soft I had remarked his hair was, much to my dismay. But my thumb survived, and that was the main concern. I could tolerate the berating for the sake of still having all of my digits. And to be fair, Matty was very helpful in hospital that day, as much as he didn’t tell anyone else about that half of the story. A part of my anaesthesia haze ramblings stayed with me even past that hectic evening. I suddenly felt like I gave that man too much grief throughout our friendship, maybe a few of my pranks were edging on too mean. Not that I was going to give up entirely on that side of our friendship, but I definitely had a feeling that it was time to pull back from how intense they had been becoming. When every interaction between us wasn’t laced with sarcasm and spent looking over your shoulder for what could be coming next, spending time with Matty was actually… fairly pleasant? I found myself actually wanting to be around him.
“Mattyyyy.” I spoke into my phone as I propped it up between my shoulder and my ear.
“Yes?” His voice crackled back down the line.
“I need to ask you a favour.” I started. At this point, Matty was no stranger to my random phone calls for help. I mean, come on, he was rolling in it and had connections everywhere, I wasn’t just going to let that go to waste.
“Mm?”
“My high school reunion is coming up…” I stared at the invitation stuck to my fridge.
“And?” He prompted.
“And it would feel extremely vindicating to have a nice date to rub in everyone’s faces.” I finally suggested. Making this call wasn’t easy, I didn’t like the connotations that came with asking this. But, I did really like the connotations that came with rocking up with Matthew Healy in tow. And if I had to go, I wanted to have some fun with it.
There was a pause, and I wasn’t sure if he’d heard me at first. “Ooo, I’m not sure.” He eventually said, sounding like he was thinking on it. “But I can see why you’d ask.” He added.
“What?” I frowned in confusion, not that he could see my expression anyway.
“I mean, why wouldn’t you want to be seen with someone as drop dead gorgeous as me?” He said. I gave a snort of laughter in response, but he didn’t continue any further.
I let out a deep sigh, then said the thing I knew would get him to go, “There’s an open bar.”
“I’ll be there.” He replied instantly.
“Great. Thanks.” I nodded.
“My pleasure.” I could just see his shit eating grin through the phone. Hopefully this idea didn’t backfire on me.
* * *
After a few weeks, the fateful evening rolled around. As promised, Matty drove round to my place, dressed very smartly in a nice button down. Which, after the crocs getup I’d seen him in literally the day prior, this was a vast improvement. But I couldn’t help but notice the bags under his eyes, and the way his eyelids drooped.
“Are… are you feeling okay?” I asked apprehensively as I let him in.
“Huh?” He seemed pretty out of it.
“How long has it been since you’ve sleep?” I asked with a short laugh.
“A week?” He answered, seeming entirely serious about his answer.
“Jesus, Matty. Why? What’s keeping you up?” I asked in concern, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.
“Erm… Album stuff, you know.” He shrugged nonchalantly.
“Are you sure you’re good to go to this thing?” He looked in no state to be on a night out. But as soon as I questioned his ability to attend, he perked up.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be fine.” He nodded quickly, running a hand through his messy curls. As much as he’d dressed up, it seemed that there was no controlling that hair of his. “C’mon, let’s go.” He said as he gestured back to the door.
We ordered an Uber, neither of us wanting to commit to being the designated driver and passing up on the free booze. Once we had clambered inside, I laid down a few ground rules about what to tell people if they asked. All the stuff about how we met, why we got together, the things that we had to make sure to agree on to get our story straight and seem believable.
“All right, so I’d appreciate if you tried to be a bit more tactful than usual.” I ended my spiel, giving him a serious look.
“Be as embarrassing as possible, got it.” He said with a firm nod.
“Can you please just listen to me for once?” I said as I rolled my eyes.
“Or-” He said, pointing a finger at me for emphasis, “I could not listen to you, and we could pull many fantastic pranks at this stuffy party.” He suggested.
I thought on this for a moment. “What did you have in mind?” I asked with an eyebrow raised.
“We can raise hell together - spike the punch, spread rumours, heckle the speeches, that sort of thing.” He elaborated with a devious smile.
The offer was tempting, but then I remembered that I was meant to be making a good impression. “No, no. I just… would rather be quietly impressive instead of causing a scene like we usually do.” I said, tearing my gaze away from him and looking back out the window.
“Whatever you say.”
When we rocked up at my old high school, it probably shouldn’t have surprised me that everything looked exactly the same as what it did when I was a student. The buildings were a slight bit more run down, the signs were starting to wear away, it was nostalgic in a very uncomfortable way. We followed the small arrows staked in the ground, making our way through the school to where the reunion was being held. As we approached the doors, Matty stopped me, looping his arm with mine with a smile before walking in. The gesture instantly reminded me of why I had been worried about asking him to come as my faux date. Other than him getting the wrong idea, I didn’t want to dredge up any repressed feelings since that day in the hospital a few months ago. This thought was quickly squashed once we stepped into the room and had the tacky decorations shoved right into our faces. I had no idea what theme they were trying to achieve, but if it was ‘awkward high school disco’ they had successfully done it. However, I was pretty chuffed with the stares that we were getting as we walked through the room. By the look of the whispers that I saw being passed around, clearly Matty was recognised. Most of the people I had spotted I didn’t overly want to talk to, so I was glad to have brought a plus one that I could hang out with to avoid stifled pleasantries with people I’d not seen in over a decade.
“Why is there a deer in the room?” Matty whispered in my ear as he gestured to the large buck that was sectioned off in the corner.
“School mascot.” I answered.
“What?” He asked with a frown.
“The football team, they’re called the bucks or something.” I explained, pointing out a banner on the wall with the cartoon version of the animal.
“So… they have a deer? A real live deer?” He continued with an incredulous laugh.
“Yep.” I nodded.
“Let’s go tie shit on its antlers.” He said eagerly, attempting to drag me towards the animal.
“No.” I quickly hissed, pulling him back towards the bar. “Let’s go get a drink.” I offered instead.
With a drink in hand, Matty was much easier to keep under control. We drifted around to a few conversations, dropping stories of accomplishments and various other brag worthy things. After about half an hour, though, he started to get restless.
“Hey, where’s the woodshop?” He asked quietly as his eyes darted around the room.
“Why do you want to know?” I asked back, narrowing my eyes in suspicion.
“No reason.” He said with a shrug. “What about the art room?” He questioned with a smile playing on his lips.
“What are you scheming?” I accused.
“Nothing!” He threw his hands up in defence. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom and then get another drink. You want one?” He asked.
I stared at him for a moment, trying to work out what idea was turning over in that head of his. “Sure.” I conceded, watching as he strolled off.
I was apprehensive about letting him wander off alone, what with his track record. But I had no reason to stop him. Once left to my own devices, I had to begrudgingly start conversations with my old classmates alone. I didn’t realise how much I missed having Matty to bounce off of in conversation until he wasn’t there. The time ticked by, and he still hadn’t returned. When I finally felt the need to go looking for Matty in case he got lost, I spotted him on the other side of the room sparking up conversation with a group of people. He looked very animated in whatever story he was telling, and then I saw him gesture to his thumb. Oh, no.
“Whatever he’s saying, he’s lying!” I called out, interrupting the person who had been speaking to me. Matty, clearly hearing my voice, looked up and waved with a smirk.
“Why did you even come with him if you were worried about his behaviour?” The guy I was speaking to huffed.
“I’m starting to forget.” I muttered, making my way through the crowd to work out what on earth he was saying. When I made my way to the small crowd that had formed around him, he was indeed telling the story about how I’d nearly cut off my thumb. However, he was telling it in a way I hadn’t heard before. He was embellishing the details about how helpful he was, about how happy I’d been to see him when I woke up, instead of his usual speech about how embarrassing it was for me. It felt pretty heart-warming to actually hear him acknowledge the other side of that night.
“That’s so sweet of you!” One of the girls from my English class cooed.
“She’s worth it.” Matty replied as he planted a kiss on my cheek. I instantly felt myself burning up, before plastering a smile on my face to try and keep up the charade I had concocted.
When I finally pried him away from his crowd, we went to go get another drink. What was the point of an open bar if you didn’t take advantage of it?
“You really think I’d throw you under the bus in front of your own classmates?” He asked as he nudged me in the ribs playfully.
“I just never know with you sometimes.” I chuckled as I grabbed a bottle of cider. “Are you feeling better, then?” I added, noting his much more jovial appearance than when I first saw him today.
“Hm?” He questioned as he took a swig from his drink.
“You looked pretty sleep deprived when you rocked up at mine earlier today.” I clarified.
“Oh, uh, yeah. Much better.” He nodded, glancing down at his dress shoes.
“What’s been keeping you up?” I asked in curiosity, starting to walk back over to the centre of the room.
“Well, if I’m honest-”
“All right everyone, take your seats.” A voice interrupted over the loud speakers.
Right, the speeches. People who had been notable in high school had been asked if they wanted to stand up and tell people all about where they were at now. Thank fuck I hadn’t been picked for that. We began shuffling over to the lined-up seats at the front of the room near the stage, Matty and I happily taking a spot near the back. As the speakers went to sit down in their chairs on the stage, all of the legs collapsed beneath them, sending the six people up there sprawling onto the wooden floor. A few quiet laughs came from the crowd. But I recognised that handiwork.
“Did you do that?” I asked, turning to Matty.
“I have no idea why you’d suspect me.” He answered, clearly trying (and failing) not to smile.
“Is that why you were asking about the woodshop?” I realised, my voice growing in volume slightly as it clicked in my head. Someone shushed me from the row behind us.
“I’m sorry, I don’t speak dumbass.” He shrugged.
“Real mature.” I mumbled, turning back to the stage to see them bringing new chairs over. He just wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side.
After that, the speeches continued without a hitch. I had to admit, at least Matty’s antics had brought some fun to the dull event. Because besides the chairs collapsing, the hour-long spectacle nearly put me to sleep. Once they’d finished up, they began playing the music a bit louder than what they had been and packed the chairs in front of the stage away, encouraging people to use it as a dancefloor.
“Do you have any idea on how frustrating you can really be?” I frowned as we made our way over to the corner of the room to speak without people overhearing us. “You could’ve hurt someone.”
“Come ooooon.” He said, rolling his eyes. “You know you want to make this place a bit livelier. You’re never gonna see these people again, right?” He continued, leaning against a rail.
“Right.” I agreed.
“So, let’s have some fun.” He grinned. “You know we make a good team.”
I thought about it for a moment, and he had a point. This event was pretty boring, and we were a good team. Matty had been going out of his way tonight to do what I had asked of him, the least I could do was let him get some enjoyment too. “Fine.” I agreed. Watching as the large buck began chewing on Matty’s arm. “You might wanna keep an eye on your jacket, though.” I said as I gestured to the animal.
“Huh? Oh, wha- Hey!” He shouted as he yanked his sleeve out of the deer’s mouth.
Once he had been given permission, Matty kicked into full prank mode. Shoelaces were tired together under tables, lettering on signs were rearranged, jackets and hats mysteriously changed tables. Most of what he wanted to do was harmless fun, and it was entertaining to watch him dart around the room and work his magic. Tonight was actually turning out to be pretty fun. I had thought that maybe Matty might feel awkward about it, or maybe I’d feel awkward about it, but things were going really well. It was nice to get the chance to have an evening with just him. Normally it was a group of us and I always felt mildly attention seeking for taking up his time. To have his undivided attention for the whole night left me with a warm feeling. Matty eventually wore himself out, and guests were beginning to get suspicious of the guy who seemed to constantly be in the background of every minor inconvenience. When he seemed satiated prank wise, he managed to con me into getting onto the dancefloor with him. Normally I’d be pretty intimidated about dancing in front of such a judging crowd, but between the good company and the many drinks I’d had, I didn’t really care.
Suddenly, a bunch of glitter starting spewing out through the vents onto the dance floor. The music stopped, drawing everyone’s attention up to the sparkly downfall. To be honest, this looked far better than any theming the school had done themselves. But I knew this was not something that they had planned.
“I admit, this is pretty impressive.” I said quietly to Matty, who just had a very proud smile.
“See? I told you that we should raise hell.” He laughed loudly.
“I guess it was pretty fun.” I confessed.
“You should really listen to me more.” He said softly, taking my hand in his. I watched the glitter fall for a moment, before looking back down to see him still staring at me. I frowned at him, waiting for him to say something. “You have the cutest smile I’ve ever seen right now.”
“You’re looking pretty starry-eyed yourself there, mister.” I shot back, figuring that he was joking.
“Well, it’s hard not to be when you’ve got the best date in the room.” He added, tugging on my hand, pulling me closer to him.
“Wasn’t that meant to be my plan?” I said with a chuckle.
“After speaking to your classmates, I’m pretty sure you got it backwards.” He answered as I placed a hand on his shoulder.
A moment or two passed before Matty took in a deep breath. “I was up all week because I was worried about ruining this for you.” He blurted out. “I didn’t want to be a disappointment.”
“You’d never disappoint me.” I dismissed.
“Things are always more daunting when you’re doing them with someone that you’re into, you know.” He explained.
“I… you… what?” In my surprise, I couldn’t get my words out right. Had he not been kidding for the last five minutes with everything that he was saying? A lot of moments over the last six months suddenly made a lot more sense.
“You’re not getting me to say it twice.” He said with a small smile.
“How long?” Was all I could manage to ask.
“For ages.” He said simply. “Why do you think I stayed with you in the hospital? Why do you think I spend so much time with you? Why do you think I bother you so much? You think that it’s me who’s teasing you to the guys, but it’s them teasing me about you.” He answered.
Everything that I had felt in the hospital was now in the forefront of my mind. Maybe I hadn’t been so crazy to want to flirt with Matty then. Certainly, in this moment, his confession had my heart rate picking up and my mind reeling. “Then what was with all the pranks?” I said, shoving his shoulder slightly.
“Kept your attention, didn’t it?” He chuckled.
“I suppose so.” I agreed. “I think I’m into you too.” I said quietly.
“I know.” He nodded.
“What?”
“You told me so when you first woke up in hospital. You slept for a few hours after that, though.” He elaborated. “You don’t remember?”
I shook my head, but for what I did remember, if I had said that, it made sense. “So… is this a real date then?” I asked out of curiosity.
“It can be.” He shrugged.
“I’d like that.” I smiled, leaning up slightly to catch him off guard and kiss him briefly. “But first, we’d better get out of here before they realise what you did.”
Part One
Part Two
#Matthew Healy x Reader#Matty Healy x Reader#sunsetinmyvein#Sunsetinmyvein prompts#Sunsetinmyvein requests
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210301 - Weibo Night Interview | Kris Wu: This year I hope to win a racing championship
Q: Chinese New Year has just passed, how was your holiday?
Kris: I just stayed at home, playing games and spending the holiday with family.
Q: Did you gain weight over the holiday?
Kris: I'm not sure, maybe yes maybe no.
Q: You look great today.
Kris: Guess it's okay.
Q: Many people are excited for the reboot after the holiday, do you share that excitement?
Kris: More or less, yes, in the new year we will all keep up the "working people's working spirits"
Q: Do you have any advice for us working people when we do not feel like working?
Kris: Tomorrow will be a better day, and life goes on. So we all need to strive assiduously.
Q: What's your favorite internet slang and chat sticker in the past year?
Kris: I don't use stickers much... (as for internet slangs) I like adding "zi" at the end of a name, like "fan fan zi".
Q: So you would address yourself as "fan fan zi"?
Kris: Not really, not so often for myself
Q: But this one was of a deeper impression?
Kris: Yes (x3)
Q: Would you use internet slangs like "salute"?
Kris: Like "I salute you, salute"? In private, yes.
Q: You featured Tengger on "bog Bowl Thick Noodle" at a past event as a new attempt in music, many people say everything can go "Thick Noodle", what do you think of this?
Kris: It was a pleasure to work with tengger, it was a fun collaboration. I hope I can combine my music with different styles in the future, so that was fun.
Q: We are all looking forward to your music plan in 2021, can you give us some hints?
Kris: I have plans for my label's music, as well as my own music. Everything is now in preparation.
Q: When's the soonest we can expect it? One month? Two months?
Kris: Emm... maybe 2-3 months
Q: You also first appeared as a racer in some official competitions last year. How was competing with professional races?
Kris: It was very exciting, very cool. Because I enjoy this deeply, I want to keep improving my skills. It is a very professional field and an extreme sport, so I need to spend a lot of time and effort to train myself.
Q: So car racing will be a continuing thing for you?
Kris: Yes, for now, yes, I will spend some time on this because I am very interested and this career deserves more attention. Chinese car racing has not been understood or valued by many, so I want to do my part in promoting this sport. It's very passionate and makes you concentrate.
Q: Many professional car racing bloggers spoke very highly of you, saying you are a genius and so on, how do you feel about these comments?
Kris: First off I am very happy about these recognitions. Racing is a rather objective field, you have to prove yourself with your capability, as in your lap speed. This is also why I love this sport, unlike arts or music where everything is very subjective, in car racing, the lap speed is a definite index. I hope I won't let down this talent I have, so I will keep training.
Q: So do you believe you have natural talent in it as well?
Kris: It's not bad. Of course, professional racers start at a very young age and I started training very late, so I still need some time to see where I can reach, so I'll just do my best.
Q: Last year you were promoting hip hop, do you have thoughts in promoting racing as well?
Kris: Of course, as an artist, I should use my influence in useful areas. So I think whether it's promoting hip hop or car racing, it's the same idea. I just hope that more people will like it and get to know about it. There is a reason for its existence and I think car racing is an awesome sport. So I hope more people can join in and get to know about it.
Q: Are there any topics about yourself that you hope to see hit the hot search in this year?
Kris: Huh? The hot search? I never thought about it. I guess I hope that I can get first place in racing again.
Q: Last year was a unique one, many of us stayed in our homes a lot more. Many picked up new hobbies, are there any new abilities you learned that were useful?
Kris: No new abilities. I learned how to be by my lonesome, along with my cats. Play some games, maybe some creative things. This is actually a state that I'm typically in because artists are often in front of the cameras a lot, but in private we save that time to ourselves. So, It's just that there was a little more personal time. It's a state that I was able to adapt to.
Q: Did you work on your cooking skills since a lot of people have become a "chef" during this period?
Kris: Nope. Honestly speaking, I have no interest in it. If you ask me to cook, I'm not really that interested.
Q: Are there any changes in your lifestyle during this unique year? For example, shopping online more frequently and such
Kris: For online shopping, not really. My sleeping schedule did begin to mess up though, I stayed up late a lot.
Q: Under the limited circumstances last year, you've been to different places to work or rest, please share something that was memorable to you.
Kris: For me, the place that I've been to the most last year is probably the racing circuit. I went to different race tracks. Since the race tracks are in different cities, like there is one in Shanghai, as well as Ningbo, Shaoxing and Beijing also have one. All these different race tracks each represent a different experience to me. It's just like a short trip. And at the time, I also thought that racing was the appropriate sport to do during the pandemic, because, for racing, it's just you and your car, alone. Very insolated. And also,, racing isn't like team sports. It's a sport whereby you practice and compete against yourself. So I've spent a lot of time on racing last year, and I feel like it helped enrich my life.
Q: So everyone will be able to meet Kris WU at a racing circuit
Kris: Yeah. Indeed, I do spend a lot of time on the race tracks.
Q: Then at this stage, what do you care more and less about?
Kris: What do I care more about? Nothing, in particular, I don't stress over it. I just keep doing what I like, my music and other works. The duty of an artist. Other than that, such a racing and my other avocations, including my music label and other plans, they're all proceeding one after another.
Q: Then what do you care less about?
Kris: I don't know. This question is a bit difficult to answer.
Q: Lastly, as for your new year wish, what do you want to accomplish the most?
Kris: New year wish... I have quite a lot, actually. I think I have different goals every year, small goals, and plans. First of all, I certainly want to finish up my music as soon as possible this year and show them to everyone. The speaking about racing again, as regards to racing... Seems like I can't stop talking about it as if it's my own profession. I definitely hope t participate in the competitions again this year, to work on my racing skills some more.
Q: Wish you the best of luck with your results then
Kris: Okay, thank you.
credits: fanfanclan
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Therapy - “What a Dum-Dum”
With anxious hands, I clutch the letter to my professor which my therapist asked me to write last week. I did it. I was brave—or at least that is what people often call me. The dictionary defines B-R-A-V-E as: ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage. Courage? There is that word again, creeping up from the pits of my stomach into the back of my throat. I can almost say it, but not quite. My entire life has been spent preparing to endure danger or pain—it is what I do best. I am best defined by that very sentence. Perhaps my mom should have been more creative in naming me.
I take a deep breath before using all of my energy to open the door to the lobby of my therapist’s office. Doing so forces my body to immediately retaliate with a loud wheeze. When people tell me to “take a deep breath”, they often forget that I have asthma and a dangerously low BMI, so this so-called simple therapeutic technique wreaks havoc on my body but, like the rule-follower that I am, I do it anyway. The door lets out a loud squeal as I concentrate all of my weight on pulling it open. A kind of foreshadowing, perhaps, of what is about to take place.
“Hi, Grace. I’ll let Legs know you’re here.” I hear from behind the reception desk. Ms. Rita recites the exact same line every Monday and Wednesday. I smile—although, I have no idea if it is visible through my mask. I respond by waving politely because I have not truly spoken in 11 months. Through the dizziness which insists on accompanying me to each and every appointment, I make my way to my usual chair and I sit. I begin counting soon after and I get to 137 before my therapist arrives in the entryway and says “Grace.” After one year together, I still only know her by her shoes and her voice. As I stand unsteadily, I wonder about this trend with social workers wearing riding boots. Is this an unwritten rule of their ethical code? Is there some sort of advertisement during NASW conferences? “Invest in THESE fine leather boots and you won’t BELIEVE how much progress YOUR clients will make! Order now for $10 off. You may qualify for an additional discount if you have feathered hair. Offer not available in Alaska and Hawaii.” I make a mental note that I must research this more and find an answer because it is a common theme of every social worker who has walked into and out of my life. Cue “these boots are made for walkin’…” lyrics. I stop myself before it gets too cheesy.
I walk slowly behind her and after what feels like an hour, I make my way into her dimly lit office and find solace in my usual black leather chair. Although it squeaks, it has been faithful for the past twelve months and it has seen me through many meltdowns, remaining sturdy as I hide behind it. Like clockwork, it squeaks as I sit down and I decide to give it grace since, after all, it has been the most consistent thing in my life for the past year. My feeding tube pump begins to beep, signaling a low battery, so I take out my charger and begrudgingly plug myself into the nearest outlet. “So, Grace,” she starts “how are you? Did you write the letter to Dr. W?” I respond by shoving the now crinkled papers into her lap, happy to rid myself of the trauma that haunts the wide-ruled pages.
Legs and I sit in silence (see what I did there?) as she reads the letter which took me three days to write. I look to my right, at the dusty mahogany brown bookshelf which is adorned with a mixture of exactly 42 stuffed animals, toys, and action figures—my doing, of course. There was a day where an exhausted Legs decided it would be best for me to organize the shelves rather than doing any sort of processing—so I did just that and, in doing so, ruined a perfectly good pair of fishnet tights. But, I digress.
After what feels like a less than sufficient amount of time to read this trauma-filled nightmare of a letter, she hands it back to me and says “Okay. Here you go. You can do whatever you want with it.” I look at her god-awful work boots as if I am looking into her eyes and I express obvious confusion. In true selective mutism fashion, I remain silent but my facial expression speaks volumes. I hastily shove the letter back at her and write on my note pad “you keep it.” I wait. What am I waiting for? That is a great question and one which Legs is also clearly eager to know the answer to. “So, how is pumping going?” She asks. Again, I glare at the hideous riding boots, wholly confused. Did I just spend three days writing this letter and disclosing mounds of trauma for her to read it and hand it back to me with no intention of processing it? Yes. Yes, I did.
I look back to the bookshelf and re-count each and every item which remains beautifully organized if I do say so myself. I follow the rules again and force a deep breath before writing “Why did he do it? Why did he pick me? Why did he do this to me?” Almost immediately, she shoots back with “because it made him happy. He liked it.” I decide instantly that another deep breath is necessary and I question my insanity because surely no therapist would say what she just said to me. I remain still—a defense mechanism which I have learned is often useless. Continued silence looms over both of us like the beginning of a funnel cloud—eerily still but preparing to invoke chaos—until she asks “Why do you read Harry Potter books and watch the movies?” More silence. I begin to question how those boots do not yet have holes in them from my hazel laser pointers. She finally answers her own question, as my pen remains frozen in my hand. “Because you like it. It makes you happy.”
My mouth gapes open which, thankfully, is hidden behind my Peppa Pig mask. I glance over to my right at the wall from which my feeding tube pump is getting its power. I realize that in order to run, I will first have to unplug myself which would surely be anticlimactic if I were to be so unlucky as to tangle the cord or trip over it. Unplugging yourself from the wall and leaving a therapy session seems simple enough but when you are accident prone and have a history of falling into bushes and rolling down hills, you learn to be cautious and question everything. I look around the room. No bushes. No hills. Only me and Legs and those atrocious riding boots. I stare down at my platform converse shoes. I wonder to myself why I choose to wear these shoes each week. These shoes are not optimal for running and I am a runner, or at least I am categorized as such in dusty medical charts which exist somewhere in what I imagine to be a damp basement of a two-star hospital. I make a mental note to never wear platform shoes to therapy again.
As I continue with my silent existential crisis, Legs takes an early exit ramp and asks about the sucker from our last session—the one she handed me on my way out the door during my last session. “Did you practice eating the sucker?” She asks. I nod and smile, with tears beginning to form in my eyes. When I cry, my eyes turn from hazel to green. It is an easy task to recognize when I have been crying. I wonder if Legs has noticed this. She turns slightly to her right and reaches into her candy dish which sits on another dusty brown table. She grabs a pineapple flavored sucker and holds it up in front of my face. “Here” she insists. Pineapple? Are there creatures that enjoy pineapple flavored Dum-Dums? And, furthermore, why are they called Dum-Dums? Who chose that name? Who thought, “Aha! We shall call these…Dum-Dums”? Again, I digress.
“You don’t want to be weird, right? You told me you don’t want to be called weird. It would be normal to eat a sucker. Normal people eat suckers.” Enticed by the idea of being called “normal,” (a rare occurrence in my world), I oblige. After 27 seconds, I manage to unwrap the sucker and put it against my lips. “Just eat it.” She says. Once again, I glare at The Boots. I manage to put the sucker—in all its sugary, pineapple glory—in my mouth and leave it there for exactly three seconds before the sensation becomes too much to handle. I smile as a steady stream of warm tears flows down my cheeks. I consider this progress, since it is the longest I have ever been able to keep a sucker in my mouth. My smile grows wider as I recognize this small victory and I feel truly proud of myself.
“Eh…that was…okay…I guess. But it wasn’t a good job. You could just eat it but you won’t. When you eat the whole thing, that will be a good job.” She says. I immediately break into a full fledged sob and I wonder just how green my eyes must be at this point. I sob, and I sob, and I sob. It feels as though the tears are endless. My Peppa mask is now heavy from absorbing tears and snot. This must be attractive.
And, at that moment, I manage to stutter over a word. “L_____.” If you are new to this circus, L is my previous therapist and a fellow boot-wearing social worker. “What?” Legs asks, obviously confused.
My sobs grow louder. My brain wants to tell her that she is acting like L but my mouth refuses to function properly. I manage a hurried glance at my pump charger and I consider making a now-or-never break for it. I somehow sputter three words like a lemon on a used car lot. “Please…be…nice.” I say. It takes exactly 14.5 seconds for me to vocalize these three words but, again, it is progress.
“I can’t understand what you’re saying but you are doing a good job with your words” Legs promises.
Still sobbing, I try again. “L______.” I stutter on the L but it comes out clearly.
“What?” She asks.
“Mean” I say, choking back tears.
“Did you say mean?” She asks.
I nod for “yes.”
“Well, I’ve got another patient, so I guess—“ she starts.
I interrupt her by yanking my pump charger out of the wall. I do so without proper planning and I let out a loud cry. I am not typically a loud crier. I am quite proficient in the art of “quiet tears.” Enduring many, many nights of various people hurting me has taught me to improve upon this skill. I try my very best to stop drowning in my own tears. I can feel it happening the same way it happened with L.
And I run. And I run. And I run.
Because I AM good at something: running.
#therapy#anorexia#beating ed#beating anorexia#anorexia relapse#arfid#autism#selective mutism#therapy with legs#legs is my therapist#ed recovery journey#feeding tube#gj tube#remember this#always remember#lit#spilled words#spilled thoughts#spilled writing#spilled ink#writers of tumblr#vignette#therapy vignette#spilled pages#excerpt from a story i'll never write#excerpt from a book I'll never write
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Yashahime Trailer Analysis - Full Breakdown + Theories
Video -
https://youtu.be/ebFV15yPO6U
The Yashahime - Princess Half-Demon Official Trailer came out August 7th Japan Time like Kaoru Wada had teased for us on the Otakon Livestream.
Here we will read off of what was posted on the VIZ Media Official Website
"The anime’s been announced, but now you can sink your canines into some more juicy tidbits about the show. The anime stars Towa and Setsuna, the twin daughters of Sesshomaru who get separated in a forest fire. Towa ends up in modern times and is raised by Sota Higurashi, Kagome’s little brother. Ten years later, they are reunited, but Setsuna is a demon slayer with no memories of her sister. Joined by Moroha, Inuyasha and Kagome’s daughter, they set off on an adventure to regain their missing past."
https://www.viz.com/blog/posts/yashahime-princess-half-demon-arrives-in-october
You guys will be able to watch Yashahime on VIZ Media's Website and AnimeLab.com when it's released.
First Impressions -
@officialkagome : “I can tell the Rumiko has a lot of influence in the writing because key points and moments are conveyed just as they were in the Final Act. I believe it's going to be condensed like in the Final Act, but maybe only at first. Focusing on the girls but still including that bonus chapter. I definitely appreciate the animation, it's very aesthetically pleasing.”
Yes, the animation is being directed by the same person who did The Final Act, Sachiya. They also were the same person that did the Adult SessRin artwork that sold it on a calender. Which I actually own. I'm glad for them to return and do the animation. As it makes sense in the continuity. The animation in fact looks even improved further than what we had since the Final Act! Definitely one of my favorite animation directors next to Kumiko.
As I mentioned in my previous video, I talked about the extra chapter "Since Then" that took place after The Final Act. It was made because of the Tsunami that happened in Japan many years ago. A long time ago, I also wrote a post saying if we continued to show our support for the official streams on VIZ Media's website and still showed interest in the series that they would make this into an episode. Back in 2018 Anime Boston it was hinted about the staff wanting to have Rumiko allowed them to make more anime if we continued to show interest. When we got ahold of the scans for the AniMage and AniMedia magazine scans we could confirm that they have been talking about a sequel since the ending of The Final Act.
In the InuYasha Special Chapter 559 "Since Then" Kagome was living in the feudal era with InuYasha for six months. We have a half year time skip.
Life in the Feudal Era so far had been peaceful. InuYasha and Miroku were tracking minor youkai that was released from a seal by a landslide, and discover that the demon actually was originally sealed away by Kikyou shortly before she met InuYasha. So we can say over atleast 53 years ago. The youkai is called Ne no Kubi or Root Head in the official VIZ Media subtitles for the trailer - and it was seeking the Shikon no Tama, not realizing it is already destroyed due to being sealed away for so long. Ne no Kubi attacks Kagome, because she clearly looks like Kikyou, but she wounds its head with a sacred arrow and InuYasha kills it with Tessaiga. During it Sesshoumaru appears to protect the village because Rin is there. We can see shots during the trailer that all take place here from this chapter.
For all those Westerners out their that use the term "canon", yes Yashahime is in Fact "canon" to the original timeline continuity. Rumiko Takahashi has been confirmed to have written the foundation story for Yashahime, and has been working closely over the scripts with Sumisawa. It is officially licensed and in no where near being a fanfiction. Remember, canon was a term that was invented by Westeners because of Christianity. Regardless, this sequel is happening.
I have so much to talk about this new trailer that it feels like even after I'm done with this video, more ideas are still going to keep popping up in my head.
Towa is seen fighting another school student. She's known for her martial arts. She kicks this guy in the head. She says "You know, you should take my advice and let me go." Talking about her possible abduction. "Things won't be so hot when my friends get here." I think she's talking to the man in the Feudal Era from the first trailer. That's when Moroha and Setsuna break into save Towa.
Then it's talking about Root Head from Chapter 559. However says "Root Head was a demon slain by InuYasha and his friends." I don't know if she's talking after it was slain. But Root Head was in fact originally sealed by Kikyou before she met InuYasha. A possible change or retcon from the Manga considering Rumiko's involvement in this. Sesshoumaru is then saying the same lines that he says from the manga "Root head... A worthless piece of vermin. Except..." If we reference the manga he's actually supposed to say Except, and then "It's too persistent."
Root Head gained the powers of the Tree of Ages (Goshinboku). This is the same Goshiboku that InuYasha was sealed on, seeing the arrow mark. If we slow down this footage you can tell that Roothead is growing in the roots of the Goshinboku. It created a passage from the Feudal Era to present day. Sucked through that passage, Towa was torn from her twin sister, Setsuna, and thrown into the present day.
But I think that is talking about AFTER Root head was slain again from it reawakening after the landslide. My guess is that IF everything does continue on the manga like normal from Chapter 559. But during the time it was reawakened it had already made a portal through a tree tunnel like it describes as in Towa's translated description that a fire happens, and everyone scatters. Even during the livestream from Otakon Kaoru Wada mentioned the fire. Towa goes to escape from the fire and finds that specific portal that sends her to the modern era. Unless they want to push the time skip further than 6 months allowing them time to have the kids. Towa is in Reiwa period, that means it's either 2019 or further making it overall a 20 year time skip since chapter 559. I expect that they have kids in a six year time skip that would make sense since they are all 14. The Tree tunnel is described in Towa's description, that means that we pretty much have a second Well. Considering the well was already made from the same type of wood as the Goshinboku was as it was talked about in the first movie. Now imagine if we had three different eras or even that certain events had changed because of this.
Here we see an Adult Souta and 4 year old Towa when he found her in the Modern Era. They're talking in front of the Sacred Tree. Towa's robe pattern is clearly based on Sesshoumaru's belt.
It looks like Souta wanted to pat Towa on the head, but Towa was scared - Then we see Towa brushing her teeth and Souta's daughter. Who looks strikingly similiar to Hitomi. I hope he married her.
Ten years have passed since the Higurashi family took Towa in. It shows Towa talking to Souta's Daughter in front of the tree. In the next shot, she's wiping the blade from her sword. In the narration Towa says "Don't worry! I can handle this." It shows Towa looking up from the original Trailer, where she's abducted. Wearing that patterned robe and the hint of the Lily flowers in the background. She says "Your big sister's pretty strong!" I think she's talking to Souta's daughter as if referencing herself. She picks up her History book and winks.
Now it shows Setsuna and Moroha fighting by a waterfall. This is definitely reminding me of some InuYasha VS Sesshoumaru scenes from the past. "My name is Setsuna. I have nothing more to tell you..." "And the reason you die here." Setsuna's eye glows similar to InuYasha's when they found out he had the black pearl inside his right eye that lead to the Inu no Taishou's grave. Everyone has been trying to figure out if there is a special thing showing in her eye. I'm not so sure but I gave it a try as well. I looked at a few pictures of the gravesite and this one seemed to be the best one.
Though I am skeptical of this. Hosenki's son explained it would take roughly 100 years for him to master the process of making one. When InuYasha had returned to his father's grave for the second time, the pearl was somehow able to give him visions of his troubled past as a way to warn him that he wasn't supposed to be there a second time. Now if we think about it, remember how Setsuna has problems with her memories? Maybe in this moment it is a black pearl, and it's showing her flashbacks helping her remember or perhaps she was given an imperfect black pearl that is causing her memory loss.
Moroha is seen sitting down picking her ear. "With this rouge, I become Beniyasha, Destroyer of Lands!" Moroha has her bow, a good nod to her mother Kagome. "Tremble before the bloodthirstydawn!" Now the rouge doesn't always have to mean lipstick, it depends on the context on which it's taken. The rouge could also mean red, the red clothing that she's wearing. If she is going to be wearing lipstick, it would be cool if they somehow were able to magically bring back the lipstick that was once Izayoi's that was given to Kikyou. I know it was destroyed, but you never know. I like the idea of her having InuYasha and Kagome's locket too from the second movie. In the past I always had the idea of their child having that locket. Maybe she's heard about InuYasha as a story or legend, and is calling him "Beniyasha". So she's pretending to be him in a way, along with the bow on her head representing ears like him.
It shows Towa in the modern era, fighting some guys. She's wearing something on trapped onto her back. Could it be her sword, or something else? My wife mentioned that in Japan, open carry of swords is legal. So I went to double check.
Yes, this is definitely got to be her sword and that she is wearing a sword bag. It has yellow tassels.
I also noticed that there is a symbol at the bottom of her sword bag. It looks like it could be a pinwheel or the Kagome symbol. There are two different versions of the Kagome symbol. 6 pointed and 8 pointed.
"A new wind blows into the Feudal Era."
We can see the Dragon symbol on Moroha's sword even more closely. The Dragon is wrapped around an arrow. During the Otakon Live stream Kaoru Wada stated that all three of the girls are the half-demon princesses. Meaning that Moroha would still be called a half-demon regardless of having less demon blood percentage especially during that era.
"The Half Demon Princesses are here!" Moroha is fighting a Mistress Centipede. Is this the same Mistress Centipede from the beginning of InuYasha, that corpse was already in the well? If we remember, Sango has fought Centipede demons before but they weren't a Mistress Centipede. She would be killed for the third time. The Mistress Centipede shown in the trailer has three eyes, while the original one has two.
It shows Hisui, Sango and Miroku's son in his demon slayer armor while riding Kirara. Throwing Hiraikotsu! One thing that stood out to me was the prayer beads around his left arm.
I don't think he has Wind Tunnel but it seems to be a reference to his father Miroku. Considering Miroku has given Kagome prayer beads to wear before. Maybe even Hisui has spiritual powers as well. It also appears that he has Sango's sword as well!
Kohaku, all grown up and he's exactly how I imagined him. It seems like he has a scar on his nose. Maybe it's from wearing his demon slayer mask or from getting cut in a battle. He has the weapon he gets from Toutousai in the last episode of the Final Act.
Moroha and Setsuna are battling. Could this be the same waterfall that Kikyou bathed at?
Moroha and Setsuna running off, Towa watching them. A guy knocked out in the background, Spider Lily pattern on the backwall, and a knocked out guy next to where the wall was bashed in. Just like how it was in the first trailer we were shown on the Otakon Live Stream.
Finally, Moroha is using her bow and yes she indeed has priestess spiritual powers like Kagome does! It looks like she's still fighting Mistress Centipede as you can see in the background. The attack is called "Heavenly Arrow Barrage". Similar name to InuYasha's Adamant Barrage.
It shows Setsuna using her Naginata. The Naginata is the weapon that can control wind as stated in her profile when her colors were announced! Much like InuYasha's Bakuryuha, or Kouga's Cyclone. It also reminds me of Sesshoumaru when he was fighting InuYasha inside the Black Pearl at the Inu No Taishou's Grave.
Feudal Fairytale - Yashahime Princess Half-Demon
Towa takes out her sword and charges while saying "Setsuna! I'll save you!"
Yashahime - Coming this October. October 3rd 2020
When we look at the image that came with the announcement. A few things caught my eye, Kagome and Rin are not seen in the picture. Sesshoumaru and InuYasha are both by the Sacred Tree. Speculating that maybe they're trapped in another dimension, or between times since Root Head was able to take the Goshinboku's power. I wonder if something like this happens, could this give Kagome the ability to not age? I'm still for my theory that she shouldn't age because she wasn't born yet, the same way her items were unaffected by Kaguya in the second movie when she froze time. People think InuYasha is holding something, no that is his forelocks and the shading on the tree. No, there is no secret image in Towa's blue sword attack. But hey we get a better look at Hisui's prayer beads on his arm.
There is a new character, everyone speculates to be Shippou and unsure of the character's gender. Looking at the HD picture.
The character has green eyes, dark red hair and purple eyeshadow. It sort of reminds me of Shippou or Ayame's possible child with Kouga. I would have said it was Takechiyo in a human form since Raccoons and Foxes are known to shape shift. But Takechiyo has blue eyes. It's not Jinenji, has blue eyes - Though I think it could be a new character. Could be boy or girl. Determining their gender is something I'm on the fence about atleast by the physical sight of it. Their body seems flat and rugged with torn sleeves, but wearing makeup. There's alot of males who wear makeup in InuYasha. Their attire also seems to be the kind that is most commonly worn by males. But Towa also is another character that dresses male. This character clearly has a weapon. More than likely a sword.
Something that's interesting about this picture is that Towa's sword is shaped like Tessaiga in the picture when she's doing her special attack. It zig zags upward like a staircase into the sky - as if representing time passed. You notice it when you realize the other characters are actually not standing on something.
Seems like we are all looking forward to October 3rd for the airing of Yashahime. If you want to see more posts about Official InuYasha News, Artworks, Merchandise, my own personal views and analysis on the series - Be sure to subscribe.
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That Wasn’t a Genjutsu - Chapter VIII
Title: That Wasn’t a Genjutsu
Genre: Fanfiction
Pairing: Tobirama Senju x reader
Rating: teen | up
Word count: 2052
Chapter (s): 8/10
Warnings: none, just feelings 😳
Symbols: ✔ | ➕ | 🔺 | ▶▶
Read the previous chapters here: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7
Tobirama and you decided it was better not to announce your date right after going back to the village. Instead, you were going to wait until your routine was reestablished, which would happen in a few days. Right on your first day together, he gave you permission to address him without using the -sama when you were alone, but you found it difficult and asked him for some time; this difficult of yours was questioned by him, since you were quick to find him a pet name, but you just smiled and argued that there was a difference between the cases. Though he wasn’t convinced, he gave you the time you needed.
The farewell ceremony occurred in the next morning after you started dating. It followed all the demanded protocol, as expected when there was a Kage and a feudal lord involved. You were present, as well as the shinobi who came with you. As the Hokage’s assistant, you were by his side, and right after you was Mizuki. He was no longer worried, and in his eyes you noticed some urge to go back home, although his face remained calm and polite just like the his partners’.
You saw Chyio standing with the other servants and carrying some kind of small cage in her hands, but you couldn’t see what was inside it. She has his eyes on the cage , but once she looked ahead you waved; the girl smiled and waved back. The feudal lord noticed your interaction, and made a gesture with his hand, telling Chyio to approach.
She came to you and turned the cage’s door to your side. It was when you saw the white little cat in it. You laughed and took the cage. The animal recognized you and started to play with your fingers when you approached them to the cage’s entry.
- I’ve heard that this cat made friends with you – you heard the lord saying – The animal lost its mother so soon, which I supposed to be the reason why it developed this attachment to you. It would be sad if you were separated from each other, so I am giving it to you as a gift, a way to say thank you for your services.
You thanked the lord with all the sincerity allowed by the occasion. You all finally said your last goodbye to the lord’s people and started your travel back to Konoha.
In the middle of the way, Mizuki, who were also fond of cats, asked if you already thought of a name for the animal, and you replied that you were going to think of something after arriving at the village.
***
You were a bit anxious about all the things you were going to do now that you were back to the village, but you were confident and happy as you haven’t felt in a long time.
The cat took a few days to get used to your house and your routine. Soon, you found a name for it, and when you told it to Mizuki, his reaction was something you could never forget: he laughed hard when you said you were going to give his name to the cat.
When you went to your parents’ house to see how they were doing without you, they greeted you as if they haven’t see you in a year. There was a time when you’d be annoyed by such reaction, but now you were so happy with your situation that you didn’t mind. You brought the cat for them to see it and explained it was a gift from the feudal lord after the work you’ve done to organize his papers. Your father immediately fell in love with the animal; your mother wasn’t a great lover of felines, but she praised the lord’s gratitude after keeping you for more time than was first planned.
In the end, you didn’t have to face many questions about your situation there: your bandage was replaced by some smaller aid during the travel back to Konoha and discarded when you arrived, so they didn’t find out about the injury; you told them you fell sick right after arriving at the city, but the Hokage took care of everything. A s you expected, it seemed to be enough for them.
However, the lack of an alarming reaction from them made you wonder if they got something in mind. You made no comments about this, but after a few days you got the answer to this mystery: when you and Tobirama came to their house and announced your relationship, they were happy, but not as impressed as you imagined they would be. Later, during a particular talking, Tobirama said they already knew about you two.
You were shocked.
- But... how?! Did you say something to them?
He smiled.
- No. But you forget the fact that they are your parents. They know you as no one else, so when they saw us together at their house, they knew what to expect. Once I laid my eyes on them, they made it clear: they were aware of everything. Our conversation with them only served to confirm their suspicions.
Later, you talked to them alone and saw that was true.
Your mother was the first to notice, which wasn’t surprising at all: she might have been considering this possibility since that occasion when Tobirama visited you by the evening and gave you that box with candies. Despite her peculiar way to state her thoughts , she was genuinely happy for you and was sure the Hokage would never find a better girl.
Your father, on the other hand, didn’t let his happiness blind his other senses, as the cautious man he was. He recognized the good things that c ould come from such relationship, but he was worried about the practical aspects, just like you were at first. Sharing your own worries with him was like breathing fresh air after dealing with your mother’s idealism, but even your father had some quirks about this matter.
- Well, dear, he is a good man and I need to say I couldn’t be happier for you, but…
He seemed so embarrassed that you started to get worried.
- What’s wrong, father?
- I don’t want to be disrespectful or something like this, but the question is that… – then he spoke at once – Well, the question is that, as your father, I need to say that he seems too old for you, dear!
You laughed for an entire minute before you could speak something.
You understood your father’s worries: you were his only daughter and didn’t even reach your thirties, and now you were saying that you were in love with a man who was not just older than you, but was also a powerful shinobi and the leader of the village; and as if it wasn’t enough, you worked for this man. The way your father spoke might have sounded hilarious, but the issues were real, so you assured him that there was nothing to worry about, that the question of your ages didn’t make any difference for you and that you were doing your best to make things work.
***
Months passed like weeks.
During this time, you kept working as the Hokage’s assistant. Of course you needed time to get used to your peculiar situation: dating the village’s leader and working for him were two distinct things, and keeping the balance between them was a challenge you needed to overcome. Thanks to his composed and pragmatic methods, as well as your mutual understanding born after a long time of friendship, you two maintained the necessary separation between your work and your relationship. And since you’ve spent more time together, you made all efforts to improve your level of communication and combine your personal talents to make plans and solve unforeseen problems.
Regarding the practical matters, your days were as busy as before, divided between your job, your training and occasional visits to your parents. The main differences were your date and the new responsibility of taking care of the cat, that kept as sweet and affectionate as it was in the feudal lord’s house.
***
It was after a day of training that Tobirama made you the proposal.
You didn’t have much work during that day in particular, so you’ve spent more time than usual in your training. You became physically stronger, your movements were now faster and you improved your ability to direct your strikes, so your exercises were now harder to match this new level. In other words, you were now initiated in the art of taijutsu, which granted you the ability of attacking your adversary instead of only keeping your defenses.
He was talking about your progress at the moment.
- I believe that now you are capable of facing three men like that one in the city of … at once, y/n – he commented with a smile while stopping one of your punches – If you managed to make that one run from a fight, I wonder what you would do to him today!
You laughed and started to attack him faster, using the new tricks you’ve learned with the kunai.
- It’s good to hear that, but i f I was you, I would keep my eyes on what’s in front of me , Hokage-sama!
It was true that lately you’ve been giving him no time to rest during your training, but your master was still the Hokage, so he would always f i nd a way to disarm you or to stop your punches and kicks. Th ings were not different that time : not only he managed to stop you, but with one arm he held you close, leaving a delicate kiss on your ear. You startled with the unexpected strike and drop ped your kunai, but soon you passed your arms around his neck, waiting for his mouth to meet yours.
However, he had something to say before letting it happen.
- I’ve been keeping my eyes on you for too long – with his finger, he stroked your chin and lift ed it, making you look into his eyes – Maybe it’s time for something more.
Your face burned like never before. You opened your mouth in surprise and your eyes widened. You looked for any sign that what he just said wasn’t the same you heard, but in his red eyes, in his smile you saw you weren’t deceived.
- Are you... you talking about…?
He nodded, then approached his lips to your ear. His voice was a whisper.
- Yes. And I think I’ve waited too long to tell you this... I believe it’s time for us to live our lives as a family. To share a house and a bed – his arms tightened around your waist while he spoke – Y/n, do you want you to be mine? Do you accept to be my wife?
You’ve been together for a while now, and only a few people knew about it. You were good with this, but you couldn’t expect things to be that way forever. Y ou didn’t want them to, and Tobirama was not the kind of man who’d just let it happen. If he took some time to make the proposal, it was because he was trying to find the best way to do it, and knowing him as you did, you wouldn’t be surprised to find out that he spent entire nights awake thinking of what to do or which words to use instead of just be ing himself and mak ing the offer . In the end, that was exactly what he did: the proposal was simple and clear, as every sentence, every statement that came from his mouth until that day.
And this honesty was enough to bring a smile to your lips and tears to your eyes.
- This is what I want most… I’ve been dreaming of it since the first time we kissed… even before… Of course I accept it!
He took you in his arms and your next moments were spent in a long kiss. You smiled with your lips upon his, your fingers drawing the red lines on his face.
- Grumpy old man… I’m all yours.
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On deleting one of my fanworks, something I’m pretty sure is illegal
tl:dr I’m deleting and re-doing a fanwork that I’m not longer happy with, even though I know people read it.
A short essay on returning to fandom and the impulse creatives have to destroy their own work.
In 2019, I wrote Hyrule Compendium, a short, three-story anthology for The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.
I have been unhappy with this work ever since I marked it ‘complete’. I had at least 12 entries planned, but only made it to three. Beyond that, it just didn’t feel like it was working. Hyrule Compendium is probably my most esoteric work to date; nearly all the characters are OCs, it’s really specific to my BOTW headcanon, it features time-travel and it has an ambiguous ending. Writing it left me confused as to why I was still writing in the fandom when so much of what I was interested in was my original content, rather than you know, the fanfiction.
So I closed the work and all but left the fandom for 18 months. I tried to write some original works but it turns out this is very hard and there are no fun, motivating art blogs for the world in your head.
Now that I am back, I’m still not happy with Hyrule Compendium. Not only do I feel that 3 stories it is not actually a ‘compendium’, I wish I had let each story have its own space. Where the World Ends is a neat little mystery about ancient Hyrule, told as Link and Zelda rediscover it. A Traveller’s Guide to Hyrule Reborn is a lore-bible for how I think Hyrule might look in 30 years post-game. Rise and Fall of the Yiga is a deeply personal project about one of my favourite OCs (she’s still my profile picture!), but also how Hyrule’s ‘villains’ would reintegrate if given the chance.
I believe, with a bit of editing to better contextualise them, these stories could still be enjoyed. Just not together.
I’m hesitant to do this, firstly because I’ll essentially be pinging the inbox of everyone who follows my AO3 account with work that has already been posted (sorry, if that is you). But I’m also worried that I’m overreacting. I’m worried that I’m destroying this work not because it could be improved, but because I’m embarrassed by it. Maybe I just don’t want anyone to see my ‘failure’ in creating a work that I myself no longer like.
I think this is something many creatives feel. That their old works - their stepping stones to where they are now - should be struck from record. Only the most current, and the best, is allowable. I’ve deleted old (unpublished) writing, and I’ve regretted it. Even the worst ideas carry a raw creative energy and a reflection of who we are in that moment of time. Melodramatic I know, but to destroy a bit of that is destroying part of ourselves.
On the other hand, fanfictions writers have a lot of freedom to edit and change their works after they’ve been made public and I’ve always supported this. I feel that the fluidity of fandoms, changing as the lore, canon and our understanding changes, should be reflected in our fan works. Yes the original will be lost, but we aren’t historians. We’re just fans, most of us young creatives wanting to express ourselves, and I see no reason to impose restrictions on that expression. So while I’m hesitant, I’m grateful for the freedom that the openness of fandom provides. If I had (somehow) published some of my fanworks traditionally, no amount of tumblr shitposting or change.org petitioning would convince my publisher to change them.
Before I get carried away, I am literally talking about a work with 100 kudos. I’m still deleting it, and reuploading the chapters (after an edit), because I want to, and because the people affected by this decision will be so few that they may literally just be me.
Regardless of the ‘right’ choice here, I’m just grateful platforms like AO3 and FF.N allow this much creative control for fanworks. Even if that control allows mistakes, and even if its over something as silly as a funny little genfic I wrote 2 years ago.
#my writing#writing#fanfic#fanfiction#fanfiction writing#essay#fanworks#fandoms#hyrule compendium#personal#tloz fanfiction#botw fanfiction#2021 is my year of long posting lol#long post
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Ya boy is back- (sorta)
Hey guys! Sorry i wasnt able to be on here for Christmas but i wanted to pop on and wish everyone a Happy New Year! Im sure 2020 has been hard on everyone, i certainly been hit hard as well, but hopefully with the coming of 2021 things will be better!
Anyways uh, thought i’d pop in and say im back! Well sorta. Why? Well im gonna be off for a few more days before im offically back, since the reason why i popped off for a while was for mental reasons and work on myself for a bit, so i’ll be back on in a few days to make sure im good to go to start posting again! Also i thought i’d share a few things that happened while ive been gone!
First things first uh, i’ll be putting this one first cuz this one has made me the happiest and im still very happy about it, i finally found myself! I just two days ago, after trying to figure out who i am for so long, came out as bigender, and im really happy with myself for that, cuz figuring out who i was as a person was something ive been hoping for for so long and im finally happy with myself! So from this moment forward, i will now go by the names Bri, Brian, and yes, still Queen, and pronouns are now She/Her/He/Him, im just very happy with myself!
On Christmas i got a XP-Pen Artist 15.6 Tablet as well as a Macbook to use it with! And the best part about it, is that adobe animate works with it, so i’m excited to say i’ll be animating more now that i have a proper animation program to work with! And being that OBS is also able to be used as well i’ll hopefully be able to post speedpaints as well at some point!
Ive been trying to change up my art style a bit and trying to improve a bit more since ive kinda been unhappy with how my style looked so i tried changing it a bit, it doesnt look too different but it looks ok enough!
Me and my bro @ace-ace-bb have been putting together a project for our Danganronpa ocs that we decided on the name Danganronpa: New Despair Saga (sorry if thats kinda cringe) that we hope at some point in the future we can make into a Fanganronpa game, but for now we just working out the story line, the deaths and executions (we’ve got a few executions put together that i found really cool) and everything with the characters, and who survives to the end as well as the mastermind, really happy to be working on this project with the bro, he’s come up with such cool ideas for the project!
Last thing is that, its my birthday month! Idk how i feel turning a year older now (yeesh 19 is old) but hey, i’ll have cake! :’))
Anyways i hope to be back soon! Have a Happy New Year and may this year treat you all better than last year!
-Bri
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Survey #348
“nothing will be free / nothing will be done / black out the sun”
Do you have any famous relatives? My third or so cousin is the author of Not Without My Daughter, but she's not like a smash hit or anything that most people know. I really do recommend the book, though. It's a long read, but a beautiful, true story.
Do you care about celebrity gossip? Nah.
Have you ever failed a science course in high school? No; I was very good at science.
What’s your favorite breakfast food? Cinnamon rolls.
Does your house have a basement? No. No house I've ever lived in has had one.
Do you like Hot Topic? Well duh.
Do you think imagination is valuable? VERY! Just imagine how many incredible things wouldn't exist without it.
What was your reaction to your first time falling in love? Unspeakably happy, and I felt like I was building a future with someone. I felt like I had purpose, which I should mention to anyone reading is a mindset to NEVER adopt. No one gives you purpose; you're born with it.
How much weight can you lift at once? Ha, not a lot.
When you have your own house someday, what color Christmas tree do you want and how will you decorate it? I want a black one with faux snow on the branches, then maybe red ornaments. Kinda look like blood dripping off. Sounds metal.
Name three YouTube channels you’ve been loving lately. Lately, John Wolfe, The Dark Den, and Aim To Head Mix.
Have you ever bought a designer purse? No.
Do you wear jewelry often? No.
What color was your senior prom dress? Black.
Are you colorblind? No.
Name the people you know who are colorblind. Jason's older brother is colorblind to two colors, but idr which.
Would you ever consider a career in writing? I'd love to.
What was your first favorite color? Red.
What do you think about horror movies? I love them.
If you love them, what’s your favorite? I really enjoy The Crazies and both The Blair Witch Project movies. Oh, and of course Silent Hill.
Got any cool Christmas presents picked out for family or friends yet? I don't have the money to get anyone presents... and while I sometimes get ideas about something I could make someone, then it wouldn't be fair to the rest of my family if I don't make them something, too.
What’s your favorite word and why? I really like the sound of "serendipity," as well as its meaning. It's just a pretty, nice word.
Do you like to do craft projects? If so, what’s the coolest thing you made? Not really... I think the coolest thing I made was when I put the clay heart I made in Art into a shadowbox, and a poem I wrote was in the background. It was a gift for Jason. I remember working really hard on the whole process and being really happy with it. I don't want to know what he's done with it since.
What’s one occupation you think gets paid too much and doesn’t deserve to? I don't know.
What’s something you are currently saving money for to buy? Everyone knows about Venus' terrarium by now...
Do you smoke/vape? If so, what brand do you smoke/what device do you use? No.
Ever done drugs? No.
Tell me one of your worst habits. Catastrophizing. I take a tiny seed of something potentially bad, and in seconds it's a damn redwood tree. And I do mean "in seconds."
What’s a weird quirk you have that no one else you know does? I don't know, I don't have any particularly unique ones, I think.
If you game, what type of headset do you use? I just use earbuds.
Do you think you would be a good therapist? You know, it's funny, I've actually pictured myself as one a few times, given my level of understanding and empathy for people, as well as how deeply I want to see others succeed and spread the word that recovery from things like depression is very possible. I've never truly entertained the thought, though, given I'm quite sure I legally couldn't be given my suicidal past and mental illnesses. There is also NO way I could listen to so many people's suffering and manage to stay healthy myself, so, no therapist position for me, thanks.
Have you ever been to a Chinatown? No.
Do you prefer chunky or creamy peanut butter? Creamy, 100%.
Do you stop to pick up heads-up pennies? No.
Do your pets have collars? Describe them: Roman has an adorable navy one with a bowtie.
Do you have any friends that speak any languages you don’t understand? Old friends, sure.
What is something you want to begin learning? I want to improve my ability to perform what in therapy is called "opposite action," where you do the opposite of what your depression (or other conditions) make you want to do. It always helps me feel good, like when I draw even when I don't initially feel like it, but it's rough to really force yourself to do it.
What is a food you find comforting when you are sad? Ice cream is my comfort food.
What is a quote you find comfort in? There are really a lot, but none come to mind immediately, gah.
What is one Tumblr blog you really appreciate? I actually haven't been on my main Tumblr in months, but oh my god there is a Markiplier blog called "lady-raziel" and she is FUCKING HYSTERICAL. The meme quality is A+.
What is a comfort movie/show for you? When I actually liked watching movies, I enjoyed watching Silent Hill when I was down. That whole franchise just makes me so happy.
What is a recent creative project that you are proud of? That I'm PROUD of, idk. I'm not that happy with the last drawing I made, and I haven't done any serious writing lately that I find noteworthy.
What is a video game that you find comforting? Shadow of the Colossus is probably #1. I find it so relaxing while equally epic as fuck. The soundtrack is to die for, and after playing it a billion times, it's pretty easy for me to kinda breeze through and just enjoy myself.
Do you know how to bake bread? If so, what is something you’ve baked recently? No.
Would you rather live in the mountains, city, beach, or the forest? THE MOUNTAINS!!! Particularly in the woods IN the mountains!
Are you closer to your mother’s or father’s side of the family? Mom's. I don't even remember anyone from Dad's.
Have you ever been in a “perfect relationship”? I thought so.
Have you ever lost a fingernail or toenail? No.
Were you a Disney or Nickelodeon kid? I preferred Disney.
Have you ever been inside a jail/prison? No, and I don't plan on it.
Have you ever dated a guy with a beard, mustache, or goatee? Jason had a goatee usually. He'd go clean-shaven sometimes.
Did you ever name your stuffed animals? I named every single one I got as a kid. Now I don't, really, unless they're really special.
What’s the name of the person who cuts your hair? I'd rather not share, given her name is very unique.
Do you like cheeseburgers? Yes, they're one of my favorite foods.
Do you have a Flickr? Yes, but I don't use it anymore.
Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? No.
Do you drink milk? Yeah, I love milk.
Where was your FB display pic taken? My room.
Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? Yeah; white rice. My dumb ass didn't realize it had JUST come off the stove. My tongue hurt literally for weeks.
Have you ever gotten your legs waxed? No.
Do you own any CLOTHES from Victoria’s Secret? Er, are undergarments not clothes? But I know what you mean. No.
What are your grandfathers’ names? William and... I can't remember Dad's dad's name.
Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Well yeah.
Are you against seances? I don't know if I believe in them being effective, but either way, they seem like a bad idea. Even risking luring a negative energy/spirit to you is something I'd stay away from.
Do you own any superhero shirts? No, just Harley Quinn ones, some with the Joker on them, too. I need to toss 'em though because I am like, violently against romanticizing their abusive relationship. I used to just like them as a story character couple, but I got to a place where it just seemed... wrong to "glorify" it by wearing merch and stuff.
What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica, durrrr.
Who is the biggest jerk you’ve ever met? Can you believe that would be my former best friend?
Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never had an animal in my path.
Have you ever grown your own herbs? No.
Do you like kissing in public? If you're my serious s/o, I could care less, so long as it's a simple peck. I'm not making out in front of people.
Do you think someone has feelings for you? I don't know.
Do you want to be in a relationship this year? I don't know. I'm lonely and love feels amazing, but I need to get my life on track before I can be a good partner to someone and not just dead weight.
Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Huh, funny, he's the one that walked away.
How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Uhhh that would depend on how serious we are, where we are, and just what mood I'm in.
What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? ugh
What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? also ugh
What’s your dirtiest secret? TMI AHEAD. Probably receiving oral while bare-ass naked on the chaise in the living room while we were home alone. Or having sex in my sister’s bed. Oops.
Would you ever get lyrics tattooed on yourself? Yeah. I already do, anyway, and I plan on getting another.
Can you photoshop images well? I'm decent at it.
Where did you last drive to? Mom and I went to go get our Covid vaccines today.
What’s the first verse of the last song you listened to? "I don't know what we're supposed to be,
but I know we lost it along the way to something better,
something so much more than pleasure that we seek,
so blind inside to fill these holes left by these lies that we tell to ourselves
as we manufacture our own hell."
What do you hear right now? The aforementioned song: "BLACKOUT" by 3TEETH.
What was the last thing you laughed about? This is so fucking immature lmao but when we were driving earlier, we passed a gas station that had a sign that was advertising Coke, but due to space limitations, it abbreviated to "2 liter Cok" and I cackled like a child. Mom laughed harder than I did.
Do you know any gay people personally? Ye.
What was the last thing that startled you? I think it was a car hoonking at somebody the other day.
What was the last thing to make you even remotely sad? Today's been a kind of rough PTSD day thanks to Facebook. My old high school friend had her beautiful daughter, a childhood friend just got married the other day, another friend is due to have her baby in just a couple weeks... It's just weird but even more painful to know it was the life I once fantasized about with a guy that just dropped me and made a break for it. I hate admitting that there's this deep, deep bitterness in me about it, like he took my life away from me, even though that's of course very unfair to say. I don't want to talk about this anymore, so moving on with my day.
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With Dragon Age 4 still quite a few years away, given it's expected 2022-2023 release window. I've been reflecting and thinking retrospectively about how long Dragon Age 4 has actually been in development. And so, with that question, here I am on a quest to try and answer it.
This investigation has been put together for the betterment of everyone in the BioWare community, including myself, plaguing the developers with infinite questions regarding what’s next for Dragon Age and when will we hear something about the next game.
If we, as a community, can understand at which point BioWare are with the development of the next Dragon Age, then perhaps we’ll have more grace and patience as we support the developers with their hard work and dedication to creating the next game.
We’d have some appreciation, all the while garnering an understanding of how long this game has left in development. Yes, for our sakes, but also for BioWare’s sake. We need to see if EA are giving the Dragon Age team enough time for them to create the Dragon Age game they want to make, and nothing short of that.
And that’s exactly what I want to uncover in this video. With that, let’s begin. it's no secret that the next Dragon Age game has already had quite the tumultuous time in its early stages of production:
The previous iteration known as 'Joplin' was canned and has been rebooted for 'live service elements'.
The Creative Director and 14-year BioWare Veteran Mike Laidlaw left the studio, along with his vision for the next Dragon Age game.
Shortly after that, the Lead Writer and 17-year BioWare Veteran David Gaider left the studio to pursue other games design avenues.
Not to mention the anxiety and panic attacks the developers faced ensuing Anthem's development.
Although all of these factors point to disaster and worry, and they can lead to mixed feelings about the next game in production, I can assure you that there's still plenty confidence and hope for the next iteration of Dragon Age 4:
The developers working on the next Dragon Age game are creating the next with "an eye to what the fans love about Dragon Age, which is easy because they love Dragon Age."
The Creative Director of 'Morrison', the latest iteration is Matthew Goldman, the previous Art Director of Dragon Age: Inquisition.
Plenty of BioWare Veterans are still in the studio, working on the next Dragon Age title such as Patrick Weekes (15 years), John Epler (13 years), Caroline Livingstone (12 years), Mary Kirby (13 years), Graham Scott (13 years), Mark Darrah (23 years?), Parrish Ley (14 years), Lucas Krisjanson (22 years), and many more legacy developers!
There's been signs of improvement within the working conditions at BioWare, Casey Hudson personally has been getting involved with solving these issues. I've seen a few developers sharing tweets that they're enjoying working at BioWare, and they're eager to share more on the next Dragon Age game. I'll share even more on this topic in my next news video coming end of May! But it seems that the developers are staying on top, and positive for the next Dragon Age.
Regardless, I'll take any chance I can get to inspire folks that the next Dragon Age game is in the right hands and BioWare are aware of what the fans expect from them. Let's move on to the main investigation of this video, to examine the next Dragon Age game’s development process.
Ironically, the next game hasn't officially been announced, according to many of the developers at BioWare, yet EA have already given the project an initial release window of 2022-2023. One of the main questions I want to answer by the end of this video is, do BioWare have enough time to create an epic Dragon Age game, with that strict deadline mandated by EA?
Well, in order to answer that question and understand the production stages the game is currently at, I'm going to have to begin at the start by revisiting Jason Schreier's "The Past & Present Of Dragon Age", which I know we've talked about a lot, but it's the biggest indicator on Dragon Age 4's development. So, here we go.
2015:
Following Dragon Age: Inquisition's Trespasser DLC release in 2015, Dragon Age 4's previous iteration began its very early stages of production. The plans for the next game were very exciting, and some of the developers had put their best work into it.
The project was called 'Joplin' and it would've centred on spies embarking on heists in Tevinter, smaller in scale then Inquisition, however, much further in depth, choices and consequences. And there was an emphasis on repeat play, having the player's visit previous areas again, with new content.
2016:
However, the first major bump in the road occurred in 2016, one year after development had started. Mass Effect: Andromeda required all hands-on deck, and so many members of the Dragon Age team were moved to work on Andromeda, they're even mentioned in the credits of Andromeda as the 'Dragon Age Finaling Team.'
2017:
After Andromeda's release in March 2017, it was back to working on 'Joplin' for the majority of the shifted developers. For some developers, it was refreshing to get back to working on the next Dragon Age. However, it wasn't long before BioWare's next releasing title - Anthem was suffering through development troubles. By the latter half of 2017, Anthem was in real trouble, and so EA took drastic action.
In October, 2017, EA cancelled Joplin's development and moved the bulk of the project's staff onto Anthem. With two years of development on a project that will never see the light of day, Mike Laidlaw departed BioWare that same month.
Alexis Kennedy was previously working on 'Joplin' too, however, according to his LinkedIn profile, he left the project in October too. It seems his work only extended to 'Joplin' and will most likely be scrapped as well.
Towards the end of 2017, as the majority of "Joplin's" core team went to work on Anthem, a very small skeleton team stuck around to work on a brand-new Dragon Age project under the new title 'Morrison.' This team will have consistent of developers like Patrick Weekes, who was anointed the role of Lead Writer since David Gaider departed. Other key developers working on the foundations of 'Morrison' in 2017 included: John Epler, Matthew Goldman, Daniel Kading, Matt Rhodes and many other talented designers.
It's unknown how much of "Joplin's" previous work will make its way into 'Morrison', surely a project with production escalating over two years would have some worthy elements that could be added to 'Morrison'
As it stands, we don't know if the games will share the same vision, or if any of the same key mechanics, concepts, story threads, etc, have made their way into Morrison.
All that is known about 'Morrison' is that the game has been rebooted with Anthem's codebase, so the developers aren't starting from complete scratch, they'll have somewhat of a preset of the Frostbite engine that can act as Dragon Age 4's very foundations. However, unlike Joplin, this new version of the fourth Dragon Age is planned with a live service component, built for long-term gameplay and revenue.
A few developers working on 'Morrison' stated that this game will change drastically in the next two years, however, that's been the case with every Dragon Age game. The point is that the project will take many different shapes until it feels like a Dragon Age game.
2018:
So, we know that this project reboot happened around the end of 2017, with a very small skeleton team going forward following a slightly new approach, and a new Creative Director. This is the new Dragon Age 4 that was later teased at The Game Awards in 2018. However, unbenounced to us at the time, we didn't know the game was rebooted, and therefore, as fans do, we presumed that this title would release soon.
In actuality, when 'The Dread Wolf Rises' teaser dropped, the new iteration of Dragon Age 4 had only been in very early development with a small team for about a year, hence why we still haven't heard, or seen anything of this project since. the game's production stages had barely started.
Not only that, but the teaser wasn’t supposed to act as an announcement, but more of a message to the fans that something is happening with Dragon Age.
2019:
Anthem shipped in February, 2019, and following its release, the Dragon Age developers who were shuffled to the Anthem team back in 2017, then went back to the new iteration of Dragon Age in May of 2019, including the Executive Producer, Mark Darrah.
The Dragon Age team; fully operational with all hands-on deck, could begin to wrap up its pre-production stages, and start production development. We discovered a few key production stages last year in my massive 2019 news roundup, things like voice acting, concept art, and potential 3D models.
Fernando Melo left the studio in August of 2019, stating that his work of “guiding the team through EA’s concept and early production phases” had been complete, and he felt it was the least messy time to leave the company. This proves that indeed; the title has begun production stages.
2020:
With that, we can safely say that Dragon Age 4's production has continually increased, as the project makes its way through many core development stages.
To this date, the game has recently had script readings for scenes, some of them being romance moments. Animations for a dog-like companion. Something about coding 'Scriplets' and plenty more of tidbits, that if you're interested be sure to check out my latest news video.
Conclusions:
So, in an attempt to work out how long Dragon Age 4 has been in development... If we do some quick maths, it seems that project 'Joplin' was in development for around two years, between 2015 - 2017.
Therefore, project 'Morrison' has been in development for around 3 years, given that it started in 2017 - present.
However, from late 2017 to early 2019. the work on 'Morrison' was pre-production. The main production stages began in May 2019.
So, 'Morrison' has been in pre-production for approximately 18 months, with the production stages starting around a year ago, in May 2019.
With its release window of 2022-2023, can BioWare successfully create an epic Dragon Age title? Is this enough time for the developers to create the best Dragon Age possible?
Well, I'm not one to leave you with rhetorical questions. If we look at Dragon Age: Inquisition's development, a game that I'd consider to be a Dragon Age epic, that served the fans supremely well.
In a 2014 interview with Mike Laidlaw, conducted by UK newspaper The Guardian:
Dragon Age: Inquisition's production had been about three years, but taking in the early concepting, it would be four years. As studio general manager Aaryn Flynn kindly pointed out, that’s about 10% of Mike's life.
If we go by that measure, 'Morrison' with 18 months of pre-production and one year of full production, and two to three years of development left before an initial release window.... it sounds quite plausible that BioWare could pull this off.
Although BioWare have their work cut out for them, I have hope that they can deliver an amazing Dragon Age game dedicated to the fans. With plenty of time spent on the pre-production stages, hopefully the team has learned from Anthem and Andromeda's rough early stages, and they've conceptualised the development enough, that production can carry on at ease.
And regarding Joplin's two years of previous work, I hope that at least some aspects of that project's production went into 'Morrison', the core concept alone sounded like it could've been the best Dragon Age game to date, and with so many developers pouring in some of their best work, I truly hope that it all hasn't been canned and it can make its way into the next Dragon Age game.
Regardless, I have a news update in the works for the end of May as I mentioned before, there's still plenty of tidbits coming out, and as I stated in my Tinfoil Tea Party podcast, I'll be doing news videos before the first of every month when we have enough, well news... In April, we got a fair bit, but May has been epic so far. So, stay tuned for that!
#dragon age#dragon age 4#dragon age 4 development#dragon age 4 news#dragon age 4 update#the dread wolf rises#the dread wolf rises trailer#da4#ea play 2020#joplin#morrison#dragon age 4 release#solas#tevinter#heists in tevinter#dragon age imperium#dragon age developers#bioware#next dragon age#dragon age 2022#dragon age 2023#update
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