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idjitlili · 4 years

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Thorin x Modern!reader

Summary: imagine being annoying and singing the bilbo baggins ballad to wind up Thorin.

Word count:2125

You had been travelling with company for many months now, since you dropped from the sky onto a troll. It hurt like a smashing your back into the taps of a fancy bath. Then you were almost eaten by that troll, until Gandalf had saved you and the small dudes by smashing a rock in half.

Gandalf had allowed you to join the Journey despite Thorins total dislike of the idea.This face scrunched up in anger as he began to talk “I will not be responsible for her safety nor Bilbos.” You giggles at Bilbos name you knew exactly where you were and what you were going to do on the journey. Thorin turned to you and glared, you just stuck your hands up on surrender.

“Very well ,Thorin but you will not cause harm to my burglar or this women.” Gandalf spoke to the dwarves king.

Over the course of these months Thorin ignores you as much as he could even after bilbo saved him, he still avoided you at all costs. You thought he thought you were annoying. Kili and fili would annoy their uncle to get attention from him so that was exactly what you were going to do.

Now you all were escaping Thranduils kingdom in barrels down a river,thanks to Bilbo. The water soaked your shirt with y/m/r(movie reference) upon it, and denim shorts. Since the elves had stripped you from everything else, despite the dwarves anger. Not going to lie this barrel ride thing was very fun. From what you gathered so far Thorin wasn’t the type of person for jolly songs, and you knew of a song that was just that. You had previously had your arms in the arm , like on a rollercoaster, so you began shouting lyrics while doing so.

“In the Middle of the Earth, in the land of Shire

Lives a brave little hobbit whom we all admire

With his long, wooden pipe

Fuzzy, wooly toes

He lives in a hobbit-hole and everybody knows him”

Bilbo looks at you confused, aswell as legolas , he wonders what the fuck she doing she’s gonna get stabbed. Kili has already been shot and you all had already passed through the gate. You were trying to annoy Thorin yes but to lighten the mood distract kili from his pain.

“Bilbo (Bilbo!), Bilbo Baggins

He's only three feet tall

Bilbo (Bilbo!), Bilbo Baggins

The bravest little hobbit of 'em all!”

You aren’t really singing you just shouting the lyrics, Thorin keeps glancing at you with glares you smirk at him, you are sure that kili is going to join in singing soon enough.

“Now, hobbits are peace-loving folks, you know

They're never in a hurry and they take things slow

They don't like to travel away from home

They just like to eat and be left alone!”

“But one day Bilbo was asked to go

On a big adventure to the caves below

To help some dwarves get back their gold

That was stolen by a dragon in the days of old.”

You duck in the barrel as arrow flew passed you.

“Well he fought with the goblins!

He battled a troll!

He riddled with Gollum!

A magic THING He stole!

He was chased by wolves!

Lost in the forest!

Escaped in a barrel from the elf-king's halls!” You purposely changed ring to thing , so no one knew his secret you just smiled at Bilbo who had his mouth wide open, knowing you knew he had found a ring.

“Bilbo (Bilbo!), Bilbo Baggins

The bravest little hobbit of 'em all!” Kili and fili joined in at the second Bilbo, Bofur laughed the three of you, Bilbo smiled.

“Now he's back in his hole in the land of Shire

That brave little hobbit whom we all admire

Just a-sittin' on a treasure of silver and gold

A-puffin' on his pipe in his hobbit-hole!”

By the time you had finished you all had outrun or out swam , you all got the barrels drenched in water, clothes sagging from it.

“Y/n , is that a song from where you are from?” Bilbo had questioned you looking up at you , standing on the bank of the shore , you nodded at the hobbit. Before anyone could say anything else , Thorin marched over to you , grabbing you by the shoulder to turn you to him.

“What WERE you doing?” He screamed at you with anger. Damn this felt like the perfect line , he just spoon fed you more motive.

“ what arrr you doing?!” You frowned at Thorin , who clenched his fists harder.

“No,I SAID what were you doing?”

“What’re you doing?” You smirked , as Thorin scoffed at you about to shout at you, but then Bilbo clenched on your hand pulling you away. You looked back at Thorin who was still scowling at you, you gave him that smiling face Nicolas cage does.

That didn’t continue much longer , as Bard arrived, “damn bro he looks better in person.” You whispered Bilbo who just just nudged you’re leg to be quiet.

“When I was a lad, I ate four dozen eggs

Every morning to help me get large

And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs

So I'm roughly the size of a barge.” You spoke quietly down into the water recalling beauty and the beast. You had a huge crush on Gaston, but stupid Thorin bad made you achieve a bigger on on him.

“I’m so sorry miss y/n, but bomburs the only one the same size as a barge.” Bofur smirked to you , you giggled “it’s just a song from my home, sir.” You looked towards the dwarf with the hat.

“You will have to sing it for us miss y/n, your Songs are most enjoyable.” He smiled at you placing a hand on your shoulder.

“I can’t sing, hence why shouted the last song.” This made bofur laugh, but didn’t say anything , but bard told the dwarves to get in the barrels to hide. “Mister Bard , I have too long of a torso to hide in them.” Bard looked at your appearance , frowning you looked very different to anyone you had met. He wraps his coat around your shoulders.

“We shall act if we are courting as you need to wear my coat to hide your strange clothing.” He smiles lightly at you.

“Yes sir.” You did an army salute, he chucked at your weird gesture. Thorin didn’t like this idea or the way you looked at Bard.

Bard had been stopped from going into lake town from that greasy skank Alfred, eventually Bard had convinced him but that wasn’t going to stop him eyeing you up.

You glared at him , grabbing onto Bards arm, who realised what was happening wrapped his arm around you pulling you into his side. Alfrid was soon to look away embarrassed, he was clearly afraid of bard. Soon you passed and was able to let go of bard and soon the dwarves were out of the barrels. While bard and you headed to his house with his son , Bain. “Thank you bard for helping us.” You had told bard he sent you a smile.

You entered the house house to be greeted by his two daughters ,sigrid and Tilda. Their mouths gap in shock, at you wearing their fathers coat. You pull it off , putting on the peg. “Isn’t see a little young father?” Sigrid has questioned her father, you were only two years older than her.

“Uh.. I am not courting your father.” You replied with a blush on your cheeks from embarrassment. “Why are there dwarves coming out of our toilet da?” Sigrid had questioned, after the embarrassing in counter. “Will they bring us luck?” Tilda spoke up in excitement. Bilbo walked into the room wet and cold, as bards daughters gave you and the other blankets. You wrapped it around your cold form, “how was your trip Bilbo?” You smirked.

He sent you a glare “oh lovely , you know I had a nice swim.” You giggled.Thorin glared at you , from the fire place.

***

Yo u had told Thorin it was a trap , saving fili and kilis life, now Thorin fought Azog on the ice. Once Azog was distracted Thorin has threw that brick like weapon to Azog causing him to caught it. Thorin stood off the ice , making Azog fall but before he fell in the water you had popped out plunging the sword into Azog a back into his heart.

Your sword had became stuck, you pull at it with all your might, but you can’t get it free. Before you know it you are in the freezing water, trying keep ahold on the ice.

“Y/n?!” Thorin screamed running , towards you, but you cannot hold on to the cold ice any longer. “T-tho” before you can finish his name you lose grasp on the ice, plunging into the icy water. Your whole body is covered as your fingers lose sight of dryness , before the water takes over.

For moments that felt like hours you were surrounded, in death, before someone had grabbed onto your hand pulling you out of the water with ease. Yet you still only saw darkness until the you began coughing up water to breath. You lay on the cold ice spitting up the water on your side. “Y/n?” Someone’s voices echoed, through your blocked ears. You couldn’t see clear everything was blurry, you couldn’t make out details.

Large hands pull you into their bodies , wrapping fur around you soaking body. Bloody hell you were still wearing shorts and a t-shirt. “Yes?” You had whispered before closing your eyes, the person had stood up carrying you bridal style , becoming sonic running.

The next time you woke up you were in a bed , covered with furs and a very warm body laying at your side. The body is strong and muscular his arm wrapped tightly around your waist. The furs tickle your bare arms. You eyes shot open like a fridge by a hungry obese man. (That guy egg dude from sonic) You look to your side to see Thorin in deep slumber , his face surprisingly peaceful, as great contrast to his brooding face. “DAMN BRO did I finally get laid?” You shout loudly causing Thorin to jolt.

He sits up in the bed, you were in the covers yet he lay onto of them, without his shoes just a tunic and pants. “Y/n,you are awake.” He spoke groggly,removing his arm from you quickly when noticing it’s position. “I’m so sorry y/n” damn he never apologised except to Bilbo. “It’s okay I didn’t mind.” You smiled slyly at him.

“Thank you.” He had spoke sincerely, you sat up in the bed, joints cracking, looking around the room, this wasn’t your room Thorin had given you... it was his room.

“For what?” You questioned , you did nothing but almost dying. “For saving my family y/n . For that I also must apologise for treating you so poorly. I hope you can forgive me.” Thorin was also sitting up next to you clutching your now warm hand holding it gently.

“It’s all good Thorin. Not going to lie to you, I did annoy you to get a reaction out of you.” You smirk at the dwarves king. He chuckled at him “yes I was fully aware, kili and fili do the same thing.”

“That’s where I got the idea.” You giggledz

“Of course you did.” You sigh , In satisfaction you had never had a proper conversation with Thorin.

“God dude you didn’t even speak to me , and when you did you were angry. Yet still a dwarf , you captured my heart.” You spoke lowly , not really thinking about your words.

“I did?” You gasp , Thorin looks at you in shock, you eyes burn in embarrassment, you nod slowly and nervously. Before you know it , Thorin had grasped your cheeks pressing his lips to yours briefly before pulling away.

“As you have captured mine. God I saw those looks you gave that barge man.” He strokes his thumb on your cheek softly.

“What can I say he is a very handsome man.” You giggle at your own words.

Before you know it the door is open and Bilbo is skipping in “Oh my you have changed Thorin.” You both snap you’re heads to Bilbo.

“You did nawtttt God damnit Dildo Gaggins,”

#the hobbit imagine #the hobbit x reader #the hobbit x you #thorin fic #thorin imagine #thorin x you #thorin x reader #thorin oakenshield #thorin the dwarf

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mst3kproject · 7 years

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Monster from Green Hell

Monster from Green Hell is a Giant Atomic Insect movie – I'm pretty sure that alone makes it MST3K eligible, but there are also some less-than-illustrious names involved. Although the film was surprisingly not directed by Bert I. Gordon, it was produced by Al Zimbalist, whose name you may remember reading in the opening credits of Robot Monster. Oooh, and remember Pepe the Latino-Transylvanian janitor from I Was a Teenage Werewolf? Actor Vladimir Sokoloff is in this, too, playing Dr. Lorenz the missionary! Scared yet?

The opening narration explains to us that before mankind can venture into space, he must find out what exposure to cosmic radiation will do to a life form. To this end, Dr. Brady and his colleage Dr. Morgan have collected an apparently random assortment of life forms and are launching them into space on board stock rocket footage (some of which I'm pretty sure we've seen before, perhaps in King Dinosaur). One of the rockets goes off-course and comes back to Earth in central Africa. Six months later, there is panic in the area – although Dr. Lorenz dismisses the stories of 'Green Hell' as some kind of superstition, in the very next scene we see animals at a watering hole being terrorized by a giant mutated bug!

The bugs are hilarious. How do I even describe these things? They're supposed to be mutant wasps but they look kind of like an ant drawn by a seven-year-old with a microscope, with a bee's wings and a lobster's claws attached just for fun. They have nostrils. They buzz constantly even though they never fly, their size varies from 'horse' to 'house' depending on the shot, and the film-makers seem a little unclear on which end of the wasp has the stinger in it. The puppets are detailed enough that they would honestly be kind of impressive if they weren't so silly-looking, and watching them eat hapless extras is a real hoot. At this point the audience settles back with a smile, figuring this movie is going to be awesome.

Then it pulls the rug out from under us. Rather than delving directly into the scientist's quest to destroy the monsters of Green Hell, we follow them through Padding Hell on the way. After speaking to a territorial agent who looks weirdly like Josef Stalin, Brady and Morgan sit around in a hotel for a week and then set off on a month-long trek across the stock footage savannah. On the way they are menaced by natives, nearly die of thirst when they find a contaminated waterhole, and then come down with some kind of fever while they sit out a monsoon. There are a couple of amusing things in this part of the movie, like the incredibly dramatic way the baggage men 'die' when struck by arrows, but that's not what the audience is here to see. By the time the party reaches the Mission, the movie is more than half over.

They arrive there only to learn that Dr. Lorenz was killed by one of the bugs, so it’s off into the mountains to find and exterminate them. So now we're finally gonna get some action, right? Wrong again! The group does manage to lob a few grenades, but these do nothing to their targets except annoy them, and the heroes end up trapped underground when the angry wasp queen causes a cave-in. Time for more padding, as they wander in the dark trying to find their way out! Luckily they discover an escape route before the Mole People can kidnap them... and moments later the local volcano erupts, destroying the hive.

At this point, we realize... we just followed these characters halfway across a continent, only for their story to end in a deus ex machina? Oh, fuck off, movie!

This is becoming a personal pet peeve of mine, actually – heroes who don't do anything. There are an awful lot of them in these movies. Mark English in Devil Doll never did anything. Cabot in Outlaw never did anything. Nobody in The Mad Monster ever did anything. Was this some kind of trend? Because all it does, as I've pointed out before, is make us wonder why we bothered watching this. Imagine if, I dunno, Star Wars ended when the Death Star was hit by a meteor. That would be really, really stupid, wouldn't it?

A coincidence can be a powerful ending for a story as long as it has a meaning. The War of the Worlds ends with the aliens dying of diseases to illustrate the true insignificance of human beings. It works because the protagonist we’ve been following isn’t trying to defeat the invasion, only to survive it. The Lord of the Rings ends with Gollum slipping and falling into the volcano because the point is that the Ring ultimately destroys itself. These are satisfying endings to the stories that came before them. The ending of Monster from Green Hell just looks like the writers ran out of ideas. The characters stand and watch and observe, “nature has a way of correcting its mistakes”, but that makes no damn sense either. The wasps weren't nature's mistake, they were created by humans blasting random shit into space for fun!

This is doubly annoying because Monster from Green Hell starts off pretty well. The exposition gets out of the way quickly, and although we are disappointingly not treated to a rocket crash, it's not long at all before we get to see the monsters causing panic on the savannah. These are just the right kind of deliciously awful that we stick around hoping to see them again. Only slowly do we come to realize that we're never going to get what we really want, which is an actual fight between the heroes and the monsters. The grenade-tossing is fun, but it's not a substitute, and then there's the anticlimax of an ending in which we don't even get to see the wasps overcome by the lava – they're merely superimposed on stock eruption footage while the characters watch. The movie was seventy percent irrelevant bullshit and now it's over, and the first ten minutes or so did such a good job of getting our attention that we feel like we've been tricked. How dare you, movie? How dare you!

There's also a totally useless romantic subplot with Dr. Lorenz' daughter Lorna – and when I say useless, I mean fucking useless. Not only does it not add anything to the story, it doesn't even take anything away. The romance in Terror from the Year 5000 was useless because it wasted time that could have been spent on the actual plot. The romance in Monster from Green Hell doesn't even get any time spent on it. We see that Dr. Brady and Lorna have met, and she keeps running into his arms every time things get intense, but one gets the impression that this only happens because somebody went, “oh, wait, we need a girl in this movie” (and she is, literally, the only woman with lines). Lorna doesn't even get the minimal plot function that would be imparted by needing rescue. Why did they bother?

There are a couple of things in this movie that aren't bad. It's not too terrible in an aesthetic sense, at least. Some of the sets are pretty nice: we open on a matte painting of a desert that isn't really convincing but is still very pretty, and the equipment we see the rocket scientists using is not too laughable. Dr. Lorenz' mission looks convincingly ramshackle, and I like that it's actually more primitive than the native village we see at one point. The monsters are stupid but a lot of effort clearly went into building them, and there's a fun bit where one of them fights a stop-motion python. There's a lot of stock footage but it's usually well matched with the stuff shot for the production – we never find ourselves looking at lions on a savannah while the characters are supposed to be in a trackless jungle (*cough*leechwoman*cough*).

There's also a fairly interesting dynamic between Dr. Lorenz, scoffing at 'native superstition', and his liason with the local tribe, Arobi. Rather surprisingly, the script permits Arobi more dignity than the entire cast of Voodoo Woman put together. He and Dr. Lorenz like and respect one another, but Arobi resents the scientist's accusations of superstition and argues against them quite effectively. At the same time, he doesn't want Dr. Lorenz going into the area called Green Hell to investigate the reports. He is willing to go himself, despite his own fear, and reminds his friend, “I'm much younger than you.” Vladimir Sokoloff and Joel Fluellen manage to give the impression of having known each other for years, and their relationship is the only one in the movie that rings halfway true.

One final observation I have is here is another movie that seems deeply pessimistic about the possibilities for human space travel. Some of the experimental animals we meet were exposed to cosmic radiation for less than a minute, and yet they still show signs of mutation. The monsters, we are told, mutated from ordinary paper wasps in a mere forty hours. That's not even two days, and it took the Apollo astronauts three days to get to the moon – never mind the time they spent there and the trip back! In the world of Monster from Green Hell, I imagine that the space race was scrapped before it even began, when Dr. Brady and his colleages submitted a report explaining that the effects of cosmic rays on living tissue were far too dangerous and unpredictable to risk manned spaceflight. We'd be trapped on Earth, the stars forever beyond our reach.

I guess it's a better excuse than being too cheap to fund NASA.

If you’re wondering, the reason the title card for this review doesn’t match any of the other screenshots is because the full title of the movie is never on screen all at once. I had to grab the title from a trailer on YouTube.

#mst3k #reviews #episodes that never were #monster from green hell #boy are we in africa!#50s #giant arthropod hours

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readbookywooks · 7 years

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Riddles in the Dark

When Bilbo opened his eyes, he wondered if he had; for it was just as dark as with them shut. No one was anywhere near him. Just imagine his fright! He could hear nothing, see nothing, and he could feel nothing except the stone of the floor. Very slowly he got up and groped about on all fours, till he touched the wall of the tunnel; but neither up nor down it could he find anything: nothing at all, no sign of goblins, no sign of dwarves. His head was swimming, and he was far from certain even of the direction they had been going in when he had his fall. He guessed as well as he could, and crawled along for a good way, till suddenly his hand met what felt like a tiny ring of cold metal lying on the floor of the tunnel. It was a turning point in his career, but he did not know it. He put the ring in his pocket almost without thinking; certainly it did not seem of any particular use at the moment. He did not go much further, but sat down on the cold floor and gave himself up to complete miserableness, for a long while. He thought of himself frying bacon and eggs in his own kitchen at home - for he could feel inside that it was high time for some meal or other; but that only made him miserabler. He could not think what to do; nor could he think what had happened; or why he had been left behind; or why, if he had been left behind, the goblins had not caught him; or even why his head was so sore. The truth was he had been lying quiet, out of sight and out of mind, in a very dark corner for a long while. After some time he felt for his pipe. It was not broken, and that was something. Then he felt for his pouch, and there was some tobacco in it, and that was something more. Then he felt for matches and he could not find any at all, and that shattered his hopes completely. Just as well for him, as he agreed when he came to his senses. Goodness knows what the striking of matches and the smell of tobacco would have brought on him out of dark holes in that horrible place. Still at the moment he felt very crushed. But in slapping all his pockets and feeling all round himself for matches his hand came on the hilt of his little sword - the little dagger that he got from the trolls, and that he had quite forgotten; nor do the goblins seem to have noticed it, as he wore it inside his breeches. Now he drew it out. It shone pale and dim before his eyes. "So it is an elvish blade, too," he thought; "and goblins are not very near, and yet not far enough." But somehow he was comforted. It was rather splendid to be wearing a blade made in Gondolin for the goblin-wars of which so many songs had sung; and also he had noticed that such weapons made a great impression on goblins that came upon them suddenly. "Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter. Now certainly Bilbo was in what is called a tight place. But you must remember it was not quite so tight for him as it would have been for me or for you. Hobbits are not quite like ordinary people; and after all if their holes are nice cheery places and properly aired, quite different from the tunnels of the goblins, still they are more used to tunnelling than we are, and they do not easily lose their sense of direction underground-not when their heads have recovered from being bumped. Also they can move very quietly, and hide easily, and recover wonderfully from falls and bruises, and they have a fund of wisdom and wise sayings that men have mostly never heard or have forgotten long ago. I should not have liked to have been in Mr. Baggins' place, all the same. The tunnel seemed to have no end. All he knew was that it was still going down pretty steadily and keeping in the same direction in spite of a twist and a turn or two. There were passages leading off to the side every now and then, as he knew by the glimmer of his sword, or could feel with his hand on the wall. Of these he took no notice, except to hurry past for fear of goblins or half-imagined dark things coming out of them. On and on he went, and down and down; and still he heard no sound of anything except the occasional whirr of a bat by his ears, which startled him at first, till it became too frequent to bother about. I do not know how long he kept on like this, hating to go on, not daring to stop, on, on, until he was tireder than tired. It seemed like all the way to tomorrow and over it to the days beyond. Suddenly without any warning he trotted splash into water! Ugh! it was icy cold. That pulled him up sharp and short. He did not know whether it was just a pool in the path, or the edge of an underground stream that crossed the passage, or the brink of a deep dark subterranean lake. The sword was hardly shining at all. He stopped, and he could hear, when he listened hard, drops drip-drip-dripping from an unseen roof into the water below; but there seemed no other sort of sound. "So it is a pool or a lake, and not an underground river," he thought. Still he did not dare to wade out into the darkness. He could not swim; and he thought, too, of nasty slimy things, with big bulging blind eyes, wriggling in the water. There are strange things living in the pools and lakes in the hearts of mountains: fish whose fathers swam in, goodness only knows how many years ago, and never swam out again, while their eyes grew bigger and bigger and bigger from trying to see in the blackness; also there are other things more slimy than fish. Even in the tunnels and caves the goblins have made for themselves there are other things living unbeknown to them that have sneaked in from outside to lie up in the dark. Some of these caves, too, go back in their beginnings to ages before the goblins, who only widened them and joined them up with passages, and the original owners are still there in odd comers, slinking and nosing about. Deep down here by the dark water lived old Gollum, a small slimy creature. I don't know where he came from, nor who or what he was. He was Gollum - as dark as darkness, except for two big round pale eyes in his thin face. He had a little boat, and he rowed about quite quietly on the lake; for lake it was, wide and deep and deadly cold. He paddled it with large feet dangling over the side, but never a ripple did he make. Not he. He was looking out of his pale lamp-like eyes for blind fish, which he grabbed with his long fingers as quick as thinking. He liked meat too. Goblin he thought good, when he could get it; but he took care they never found him out. He just throttled them from behind, if they ever came down alone anywhere near the edge of the water, while he was prowling about. They very seldom did, for they had a feeling that something unpleasant was lurking down there, down at the very roots of the mountain. They had come on the lake, when they were tunnelling down long ago, and they found they could go no further; so there their road ended in that direction, and there was no reason to go that way-unless the Great Goblin sent them. Sometimes he took a fancy for fish from the lake, and sometimes neither goblin nor fish came back. Actually Gollum lived on a slimy island of rock in the middle of the lake. He was watching Bilbo now from the distance with his pale eyes like telescopes. Bilbo could not see him, but he was wondering a lot about Bilbo, for he could see that he was no goblin at all. Gollum got into his boat and shot off from the island, while Bilbo was sitting on the brink altogether flummoxed and at the end of his way and his wits. Suddenly up came Gollum and whispered and hissed: "Bless us and splash us, my precioussss! I guess it's a choice feast; at least a tasty morsel it'd make us, gollum!" And when he said gollum he made a horrible swallowing noise in his throat. That is how he got his name, though he always called himself 'my precious.' The hobbit jumped nearly out of his skin when the hiss came in his ears, and he suddenly saw the pale eyes sticking out at him. "Who are you?" he said, thrusting his dagger in front of him. "What iss he, my preciouss?" whispered Gollum (who always spoke to himself through never having anyone else to speak to). This is what he had come to find out, for he was not really very hungry at the moment, only curious; otherwise he would have grabbed first and whispered afterwards. "I am Mr. Bilbo Baggins. I have lost the dwarves and I have lost the wizard, and I don't know where I am; and "I don't want to know, if only I can get,away." "What's he got in his handses?" said Gollum, looking at the sword, which he did not quite like. "A sword, a blade which came out of Gondolin!" "Sssss," said Gollum, and became quite polite. "Praps ye sits here and chats with it a bitsy, my preciousss. It like riddles, praps it does, does it?" He was anxious to appear friendly, at any rate for the moment, and until he found out more about the sword and the hobbit, whether he was quite alone really, whether he was good to eat, and whether Gollum was really hungry. Riddles were all he could think of. Asking them, and sometimes guessing them, had been the only game he had ever played with other funny creatures sitting in their holes in the long, long ago, before he lost all his friends and was driven away, alone, and crept down, down, into the dark under the mountains. "Very well," said Bilbo, who was anxious to agree, until he found out more about the creature, whether he was quite alone, whether he was fierce or hungry, and whether he was a friend of the goblins. "You ask first," he said, because he had not had time to think of a riddle. So Gollum hissed: "What has roots as nobody sees, Is taller than trees, Up, up it goes, And yet never grows?" "Easy!" said Bilbo. "Mountain, I suppose." "Does it guess easy? It must have a competition with us, my preciouss! If precious asks, and it doesn't answer, we eats it, my preciousss. If it asks us, and we doesn't answer, then we does what it wants, eh? We shows it the way out, yes!" "All right!" said Bilbo, not daring to disagree, and nearly bursting his brain to think of riddles that could save him from being eaten. "Thirty white horses on a red hill, First they champ, Then they stamp, Then they stand still." That was all he could think of to ask-the idea of eating was rather on his mind. It was rather an old one, too, and Gollum knew the answer as well as you do. "Chestnuts, chestnuts," he hissed. "Teeth! teeth! my preciousss; but we has only six!" Then he asked his second: "Voiceless it cries, Wingless flutters, Toothless bites, Mouthless mutters." "Half a moment!" cried Bilbo, who was still thinking uncomfortably about eating. Fortunately he had once heard something rather like this before, and getting his wits back he thought of the answer. "Wind, wind of course," he said, and he was so pleased that he made up one on the spot. "This'll puzzle the nasty little underground creature," he thought: "An eye in a blue face Saw an eye in a green face. "That eye is like to this eye" Said the first eye, "But in low place, Not in high place."" "Ss, ss, ss," said Gollum. He had been underground a long long time, and was forgetting this sort of thing. But just as Bilbo was beginning to hope that the wretch would not be able to answer, Gollum brought up memories of ages and ages and ages before, when he lived with his grandmother in a hole in a bank by a river, "Sss, sss, my preciouss," he said. "Sun on the daisies it means, it does." But these ordinary aboveground everyday sort of riddles were tiring for him. Also they reminded him of days when he had been less lonely and sneaky and nasty, and that put him out of temper. What is more they made him hungry; so this time he tried something a bit more difficult and more unpleasant: "It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. It lies behind stars and under hills, And empty holes it fills. It comes first and follows after, Ends life, kills laughter." Unfortunately for Gollum Bilbo had heard that sort of thing before; and the answer was all round him anyway. "Dark!" he said without even scratching his head or putting on his thinking cap. "A box without hinges, key, or lid, Yet golden treasure inside is hid," he asked to gain time, until he could think of a really hard one. This he thought a dreadfully easy chestnut, though he had not asked it in the usual words. But it proved a nasty poser for Gollum. He hissed to himself, and still he did not answer; he whispered and spluttered. After some while Bilbo became impatient. "Well, what is it?" he said. "The answer's not a kettle boiling over, as you seem to think from the noise you are making." "Give us a chance; let it give us a chance, my preciouss-ss-ss." "Well," said Bilbo, after giving him a long chance, "what about your guess?" But suddenly Gollum remembered thieving from nests long ago, and sitting under the river bank teaching his grandmother, teaching his grandmother to suck-"Eggses!" he hissed. "Eggses it is!" Then he asked: "A live without breath, As cold as death; Never thirsty, ever drinking, All in mail never clinking." He also in his turn thought this was a dreadfully easy one, because he was always thinking of the answer. But he could not remember anything better at the moment, he was so flustered by the egg-question. All the same it was a poser for poor Bilbo, who never had anything to do with the water if he could help it. I imagine you know the answer, of course, or can guess it as easy as winking, since you are sitting comfortably at home and have not the danger of being eaten to disturb your thinking. Bilbo sat and cleared his throat once or twice, but no answer came. After a while Gollum began to hiss with pleasure to himself: "Is it nice, my preciousss? Is it juicy? Is it scrumptiously crunchable?" He began to peer at Bilbo out of the darkness. "Half a moment," said the hobbit shivering. "I gave you a good long chance just now." "It must make haste, haste!" said Gollum, beginning to climb out of his boat on to the shore to get at Bilbo. But when he put his long webby foot in the water, a fish jumped out in a fright and fell on Bilbo's toes. "Ugh!" he said, "it is cold and clammy!"-and so he guessed. "Fish! Fish!" he cried. "It is fish!" Gollum was dreadfully disappointed; but Bilbo asked another riddle as quick as ever be could, so that Gollum had to get back into his boat and think. "No-legs lay on one-leg, two-legs sat near on three-legs, four-legs got some." It was not really the right time for this riddle, but Bilbo was in a hurry. Gollum might have had some trouble guessing it, if he had asked it at another time. As it was, talking of fish, "no-legs" was not so very difficult, and after that the rest was easy. "Fish on a little table, man at table sitting on a stool, the cat has the bones"-that of course is the answer, and Gollum soon gave it. Then he thought the time had come to ask something hard and horrible. This is what he said: "This thing all things devours: Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; Gnaws iron, bites steel; Grinds hard stones to meal; Slays king, ruins town, And beats high mountain down." Poor Bilbo sat in the dark thinking of all the horrible names of all the giants and ogres he had ever heard told of in tales, but not one of them had done all these things. He had a feeling that the answer was quite different and that he ought to know it, but he could not think of it. He began to get frightened, and that is bad for thinking. Gollum began to get out of his boat. He flapped into the water and paddled to the bank; Bilbo could see his eyes coming towards him. His tongue seemed to stick in his mouth; he wanted to shout out: "Give me more time! Give me time!" But all that came out with a sudden squeal was: "Time! Time!" Bilbo was saved by pure luck. For that of course was the answer. Gollum was disappointed once more; and now he was getting angry, and also tired of the game. It had made him very hungry indeed. This time he did not go back to the boat. He sat down in the dark by Bilbo. That made the hobbit most dreadfully uncomfortable and scattered his wits. "It's got to ask uss a quesstion, my preciouss, yes, yess, yesss. Jusst one more quesstion to guess, yes, yess," said Gollum. But Bilbo simply could not think of any question with that nasty wet cold thing sitting next to him, and pawing and poking him. He scratched himself, he pinched himself; still he could not think of anything. "Ask us! ask us!" said Gollum. Bilbo pinched himself and slapped himself; he gripped on his little sword; he even felt in his pocket with his other hand. There he found the ring he had picked up in the passage and forgotten about. "What have I got in my pocket?" he said aloud. He was talking to himself, but Gollum thought it was a riddle, and he was frightfully upset. "Not fair! not fair!" he hissed. "It isn't fair, my precious, is it, to ask us what it's got in its nassty little pocketses?" Bilbo seeing what had happened and having nothing better to ask stuck to his question. "What have I got in my pocket?" he said louder. "S-s-s-s-s," hissed Gollum. "It must give us three guesseses, my preciouss, three guesseses." "Very well! Guess away!" said Bilbo. "Handses!" said Gollum. "Wrong," said Bilbo, who had luckily just taken his hand out again. "Guess again!" "S-s-s-s-s," said Gollum more upset than ever. He thought of all the things he kept in his own pockets: fishbones, goblins' teeth, wet shells, a bit of bat-wing, a sharp stone to sharpen his fangs on, and other nasty things. He tried to think what other people kept in their pockets. "Knife!" he said at last. "Wrong!" said Bilbo, who had lost his some time ago. "Last guess!" Now Gollum was in a much worse state than when Bilbo had asked him the egg-question. He hissed and spluttered and rocked himself backwards and forwards, and slapped his feet on the floor, and wriggled and squirmed; but still he did not dare to waste his last guess. "Come on!" said Bilbo. "I am waiting!" He tried to sound bold and cheerful, but he did not feel at all sure how the game was going to end, whether Gollum guessed right or not. "Time's up!" he said. "String, or nothing!" shrieked Gollum, which was not quite fair-working in two guesses at once. "Both wrong," cried Bilbo very much relieved; and he jumped at once to his feet, put his back to the nearest wall, and held out his little sword. He knew, of course, that the riddle-game was sacred and of immense antiquity, and even wicked creatures were afraid to cheat when they played at it. But he felt he could not trust this slimy thing to keep any promise at a pinch. Any excuse would do for him to slide out of it. And after all that last question had not been a genuine riddle according to the ancient laws. But at any rate Gollum did not at once attack him. He could see the sword in Bilbo's hand. He sat still, shivering and whispering. At last Bilbo could wait no longer. "Well?" he said. "What about your promise? I want to go. You must show me the way." "Did we say so, precious? Show the nassty little Baggins the way out, yes, yes. But what has it got in its pocketses, eh? Not string, precious, but not nothing. Oh no! gollum!" "Never you mind," said Bilbo. "A promise is a promise." "Cross it is, impatient, precious," hissed Gollum. "But it must wait, yes it must. We can't go up the tunnels so hasty. We must go and get some things first, yes, things to help us." "Well, hurry up!" said Bilbo, relieved to think of Gollum going away. He thought he was just making an excuse and did not mean to come back. What was Gollum talking about? What useful thing could he keep out on the dark lake? But he was wrong. Gollum did mean to come back. He was angry now and hungry. And he was a miserable wicked creature, and already he had a plan. Not far away was his island, of which Bilbo knew nothing, and there in his hiding-place he kept a few wretched oddments, and one very beautiful thing, very beautiful, very wonderful. He had a ring, a golden ring, a precious ring. "My birthday-present!" he whispered to himself, as he had often done in the endless dark days. "That's what we wants now, yes; we wants it!" He wanted it because it was a ring of power, and if you slipped that ring on your finger, you were invisible; only in the full sunlight could you be seen, and then only by your shadow, and that would be shaky and faint. "My birthday-present! It came to me on my birthday, my precious," So he had always said to himself. But who knows how Gollum came by that present, ages ago in the old days when such rings were still at large in the world? Perhaps even the Master who ruled them could not have said. Gollum used to wear it at first, till it tired him; and then he kept it in a pouch next his skin, till it galled him; and now usually he hid it in a hole in the rock on his island, and was always going back to look at it. And still sometimes he put it on, when he could not bear to be parted from it any longer, or when he was very, very, hungry, and tired of fish. Then he would creep along dark passages looking for stray goblins. He might even venture into places where the torches were lit and made his eyes blink and smart; for he would be safe. Oh yes, quite safe. No one would see him, no one would notice him, till he had his fingers on their throat. Only a few hours ago he had worn it, and caught a small goblin-imp. How it squeaked! He still had a bone or two left to gnaw, but he wanted something softer. "Quite safe, yes," he whispered to himself. "It won't see us, will it, my precious? No. It won't see us, and its nassty little sword will be useless, yes quite." That is what was in his wicked little mind, as he slipped suddenly from Bilbo's side, and flapped back to his boat, and went off into the dark. Bilbo thought he had heard the last of him. Still he waited a while; for he had no idea how to find his way out alone. Suddenly he heard a screech. It sent a shiver down his back. Gollum was cursing and wailing away in the gloom, not very far off by the sound of it. He was on his island, scrabbling here and there, searching and seeking in vain. "Where is it? Where iss it?" Bilbo heard him crying. "Losst it is, my precious, lost, lost! Curse us and crush us, my precious is lost!" "What's the matter?" Bilbo called. "What have you lost?" "It mustn't ask us," shrieked Gollum. "Not its business, no, gollum! It's losst, gollum, gollum, gollum." "Well, so am I," cried Bilbo, "and I want to get unlost. And I won the game, and you promised. So come along! Come and let me out, and then go on with your looking!" Utterly miserable as Gollum sounded, Bilbo could not find much pity in his heart, and he had a feeling that anything Gollum wanted so much could hardly be something good. "Come along!" he shouted. "No, not yet, precious!" Gollum answered. "We must search for it, it's lost, gollum." "But you never guessed my last question, and you promised," said Bilbo. "Never guessed!" said Gollum. Then suddenly out of the gloom came a sharp hiss. "What has it got in its pocketses? Tell us that. It must tell first." As far as Bilbo knew, there was no particular reason why he should not tell. Gollum's mind had jumped to a guess quicker than his; naturally, for Gollum had brooded for ages on this one thing, and he was always afraid of its being stolen. But Bilbo was annoyed at the delay. After all, he had won the game, pretty fairly, at a horrible risk. "Answers were to be guessed not given," he said. "But it wasn't a fair question," said Gollum. "Not a riddle, precious, no." "Oh well, if it's a matter of ordinary questions," Bilbo replied, "then I asked one first. What have you lost? Tell me that!" "What has it got in its pocketses?" The sound came hissing louder and sharper, and as he looked towards it, to his alarm Bilbo now saw two small points of light peering at him. As suspicion grew in Gollum's mind, the light of his eyes burned with a pale flame. "What have you lost?" Bilbo persisted. But now the light in Gollum's eyes had become a green fire, and it was coming swiftly nearer. Gollum was in his boat again, paddling wildly back to the dark shore; and such a rage of loss and suspicion was in his heart that no sword had any more terror for him. Bilbo could not guess what had maddened the wretched creature, but he saw that all was up, and that Gollum meant to murder him at any rate. Just in time he turned and ran blindly back up the dark passage down which he had come, keeping close to the wall and feeling it with his left hand. "What has it got in its pocketses?" he heard the hiss loud behind him, and the splash as Gollum leapt from his boat. "What have I, I wonder?" he said to himself, as he panted and stumbled along. He put his left hand in his pocket. The ring felt very cold as it quietly slipped on to his groping forefinger. The hiss was close behind him. He turned now and saw Gollum's eyes like small green lamps coming up the slope. Terrified he tried to run faster, but suddenly he struck his toes on a snag in the floor, and fell flat with his little sword under him. In a moment Gollum was on him. But before Bilbo could do anything, recover his breath, pick himself up, or wave his sword, Gollum passed by, taking no notice of him, cursing and whispering as he ran. What could it mean? Gollum could see in the dark. Bilbo could see the light of his eyes palely shining even from behind. Painfully he got up, and sheathed his sword, which was now glowing faintly again, then very cautiously he followed. There seemed nothing else to do. It was no good crawling back down to Gollum's water. Perhaps if he followed him, Gollum might lead him to some way of escape without meaning to. "Curse it! curse it! curse it!" hissed Gollum. "Curse the Baggins! It's gone! What has it got in its pocketses? Oh we guess, we guess, my precious. He's found it, yes he must have. My birthday-present." Bilbo pricked up his ears. He was at last beginning to guess himself. H^ hurried a little, getting as close as he dared behind Gollum, who was still going quickly, not looking back, but turning his head from side to side, as Bilbo could see from the faint glimmer on the walls. "My birthday-present! Curse it! How did we lose it, my precious? Yes, that's it. When we came this way last, when we twisted that nassty young squeaker. That's it. Curse it! It slipped from us, after all these ages and ages! It's gone, gollum." Suddenly Gollum sat down and began to weep, a whistling and gurgling sound horrible to listen to. Bilbo halted and flattened himself against the tunnel-wall. After a while Gollum stopped weeping and began to talk. He seemed to be having an argument with himself. "It's no good going back there to search, no. We doesn't remember all the places we've visited. And it's no use. The Baggins has got it in its pocketses; the nassty noser has found it, we says." "We guesses, precious, only guesses. We can't know till we find the nassty creature and squeezes it. But it doesn't know what the present can do, does it? It'll just keep it in its pocketses. It doesn't know, and it can't go far. It's lost itself, the nassty nosey thing. It doesn't know the way out It said so." "It said so, yes; but it's tricksy. It doesn't say what it means. It won't say what it's got in its pocketses. It knows. It knows a way in, it must know a way out, yes. It's off to the back-door. To the back-door, that's it." "The goblinses will catch it then. It can't get out that way, precious." "Ssss, sss, gollum! Goblinses! Yes, but if it's got the present, our precious present, then goblinses will get it, gollum! They'll find it, they'll find out what it does. We shan't ever be safe again, never, gollum! One of the goblinses will put it on, and then no one will see him. He'll be there but not seen. Not even our clever eyeses will notice him; and he'll come creepsy and tricksy and catch us, gollum, gollum!" "Then let's stop talking, precious, and make haste. If the Baggins has gone that way, we must go quick and see. Go! Not far now. Make haste!" With a spring Gollum got up and started shambling off at a great pace. Bilbo hurried after him, still cautiously, though his chief fear now was of tripping on another snag and falling with a noise. His head was in a whirl of hope and wonder. It seemed that the ring he had was a magic ring: it made you invisible! He had heard of such things, of course, in old old tales; but it was hard to believe that he really had found one, by accident. Still there it was: Gollum with his bright eyes had passed him by, only a yard to one side. On they went, Gollum flip-flapping ahead, hissing and cursing; Bilbo behind going as softly as a hobbit can. Soon they came to places where, as Bilbo had noticed on the way down, side-passages opened, this way and that. Gollum began at once to count them. "One left, yes. One right, yes. Two right, yes, yes. Two left, yes, yes." And so on and on. As the count grew he slowed down, and he began to get shaky and weepy; for he was leaving the water further and further behind, and he was getting afraid. Goblins might be about, and he had lost his ring. At last he stopped by a low opening, on their left as they went up. "Seven right, yes. Six left, yes!" he whispered. "This is it. This is the way to the back-door, yes. Here's the passage!" He peered in, and shrank back. "But we durstn't go in, precious, no we durstn't. Goblinses down there. Lots of goblinses. We smells them. Ssss!" "What shall we do? Curse them and crush them! We must wait here, precious, wait a bit and see." So they came to a dead stop. Gollum had brought Bilbo to the way out after all, but Bilbo could not get in! There was Gollum sitting humped up right in the opening, and his eyes gleamed cold in his head, as he swayed it from side to side between his knees. Bilbo crept away from the wall more quietly than a mouse; but Gollum stiffened at once, and sniffed, and his eyes went green. He hissed softly but menacingly. He could not see the hobbit, but now he was on the alert, and he had other senses that the darkness had sharpened: hearing and smell. He seemed to be crouched right down with his flat hands splayed on the floor, and his head thrust out, nose almost to the stone. Though he was only a black shadow in the gleam of his own eyes, Bilbo could see or feel that he was tense as a bowstring, gathered for a spring. Bilbo almost stopped breathing, and went stiff himself. He was desperate. He must get away, out of this horrible darkness, while he had any strength left. He must fight. He must stab the foul thing, put its eyes out, kill it. It meant to kill him. No, not a fair fight. He was invisible now. Gollum had no sword. Gollum had not actually threatened to kill him, or tried to yet. And he was miserable, alone, lost. A sudden understanding, a pity mixed with horror, welled up in Bilbo's heart: a glimpse of endless unmarked days without light or hope of betterment, hard stone, cold fish, sneaking and whispering. All these thoughts passed in a flash of a second. He trembled. And then quite suddenly in another flash, as if lifted by a new strength and resolve, he leaped. No great leap for a man, but a leap in the dark. Straight over Gollum's head he jumped, seven feet forward and three in the air; indeed, had he known it, he only just missed cracking his skull on the low arch of the passage. Gollum threw himself backwards, and grabbed as the hobbit flew over him,but too late: his hands snapped on thin air, and Bilbo, falling fair on his sturdy feet, sped off down the new tunnel. He did not turn to see what Gollum was doing. There was a hissing and cursing almost at his heels at first, then it stopped. All at once there came a bloodcurdling shriek, filled with hatred and despair. Gollum was defeated. He dared go no further. He had lost: lost his prey, and lost, too, the only thing he had ever cared for, his precious. The cry brought Bilbo's heart to his mouth, but still he held on. Now faint as an echo, but menacing, the voice came behind: "Thief, thief, thief! Baggins! We hates it, we hates it, we hates it for ever!" Then there was a silence. But that too seemed menacing to Bilbo. "If goblins are so near that he smelt them," he thought, "then they'll have heard his shrieking and cursing. Careful now, or this way will lead you to worse things." The passage was low and roughly made. It was not too difficult for the hobbit, except when, in spite of all care, he stubbed his poor toes again, several times, on nasty jagged stones in the floor. "A bit low for goblins, at least for the big ones," thought Bilbo, not knowing that even the big ones, the ores of the mountains, go along at a great speed stooping low with their hands almost on the ground. Soon the passage that had been sloping down began to go up again, and after a while it climbed steeply. That slowed Bilbo down. But at last the slope stopped, the passage turned a corner, and dipped down again, and there, at the bottom of a short incline, he saw, filtering round another corner-a glimpse of light. Not red light, as of fire or lantern, but a pale out-of-doors sort of light. Then Bilbo began to run. Scuttling as fast as his legs would carry him he turned the last corner and came suddenly right into an open space, where the light, after all that time in the dark, seemed dazzlingly bright. Really it was only a leak of sunshine in through a doorway, where a great door, a stone door, was left standing open. Bilbo blinked, and then suddenly he saw the goblins: goblins in full armour with drawn swords sitting just inside the door, and watching it with wide eyes, and watching the passage that led to it. They were aroused, alert, ready for anything. They saw him sooner than he saw them. Yes, they saw him. Whether it was.an accident, or a last trick of the ring before it took a new master, it was not on his finger. With yells of delight the goblins rushed upon him. A pang of fear and loss, like an echo of Gollum's misery, smote Bilbo, and forgetting even to draw his sword he struck his hands into his pockets. And - there was the ring still, in his left pocket, and it slipped on his finger. The goblins stopped short. They could not see a sign of him. He had vanished. They yelled twice as loud as before, but not so delightedly. "Where is it?" they cried. "Go back up the passage!" some shouted. "This way!" some yelled. "That way!" others yelled. "Look out for the door," bellowed the captain. Whistles blew, armour clashed, swords rattled, goblins cursed and swore and ran hither and thither, falling over one another and getting very angry. There was a terrible outcry, to-do, and disturbance. Bilbo was dreadfully frightened, but he had the sense to understand what had happened and to sneak behind a big barrel which held drink for the goblin-guards, and so get out of the way and avoid being bumped into, trampled to death, or caught by feel. "I must get to the door, I must get to the door!" he kept on saying to himself, but it was a long time before he ventured to try. Then it was like a horrible game of blind-man's buff. The place was full of goblins running about, and the poor little hobbit dodged this way and that, was knocked over by a goblin who could not make out what he had bumped into, scrambled away on all fours, slipped between the legs of the captain just in time, got up, and ran for the door. It was still ajar, but a goblin had pushed it nearly to. Bilbo struggled but he could not move it. He tried to squeeze through the crack. He squeezed and squeezed, and he stuck! It was awful. His buttons had got wedged on the edge of the door and the door-post. He could see outside into the open air: there were a few steps running down into a narrow valley between tall mountains; the sun came out from behind a cloud and shone bright on the outside of the door-but he could not get through. Suddenly one of the goblins inside shouted: "There is a shadow by the door. Something is outside!" Bilbo's heart jumped into his mouth. He gave a terrific squirm. Buttons burst off in all directions. He was through, with a torn coat and waistcoat, leaping down the steps like a goat, while bewildered goblins were still picking up his nice brass buttons on the doorstep. Of course they soon came down after him, hooting and hallooing, and hunting among the trees. But they don't like the sun: it makes their legs wobble and their heads giddy. They could not find Bilbo with the ring on, slipping in and out of the shadow of the trees, running quick and quiet, and keeping out of the sun; so soon they went back grumbling and cursing to guard the door. Bilbo had escaped.

#Hobbit

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