Tumgik
#a letter i'll never send
v1rginheart · 2 years
Text
“Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” - Anne Rice about Franz Kafka
518 notes · View notes
Text
y’know, i’ve heard a lot of people talk about falling in love with someone they know they’ll never have, and a lot of it boils down to the same feelings: heartache, rejection, hurt. a longing that aches your bones. the kind of thing you burrow under the blankets at cry about in the wee hours. it’s not a feeling i ever thought i’d understand.
 even now, as i come to the realization that i love you, i cannot relate to those pains.
i’ve never fallen in love with someone before. the movies always make it out to be some dramatic thing, grandiose bouquets and bold declarations, a clap of thunder and a scattering of jasmine petals.
but to me it was the dimples of your smile, that gentle breath right before you chuckle, the way the kitchen lights reflected in your glasses and the sudden thought of wow, i really want to kiss you right now, and then, oh. i think i love you. huh.
  what really surprised me was just how...easy it was. there was no despairing internal monologue of my unrequited affections and my eyes remain dry. you don’t feel the same and you never will; i understand that. and somehow it doesn’t hurt.
 this love is the harmony of birdsong and the scent of fresh linen. it’s your leg brushing against mine, the way the summer breeze danced in your hair. i feel warm, content, like a cat stretched out in the sunlight. mitski’s strawberry blonde keeps playing in my head when i think of you, (”fields rolling on, i love it when you look my way”). my heart has never felt so full.
  tonight i will go to sleep thinking of sunflowers and the shape of your mouth. i will tuck this feeling in my chest and treasure it for as long as i live.
i love you, i love you, i love you--and what an honor it is.
15 notes · View notes
thewriterain · 3 months
Text
it's not okay but thank you for the apology.
lately i've been feeling stuck, like we're on an endless loop of trying to understand each other and yet somehow not quite getting there. lately i've been feeling like the person i thought you were and wanted you to be isn't the person standing in front of me nowadays.
i want to tell you that this isn't up to my standards anymore, that things feel lacking, that i keep trying and trying to make you see it but fall short every single time. i want to say it's okay that you're comfortable, and i know with comfort comes less effort and that's normal and valid and true.
but where is that person?
where is the person who bought me gifts just because, who spent time planning things i would like to do, who was considerate of my boundaries and communicated every small thing so i didn't have to overthink and worry? where is the person who bought me flowers, sang me to sleep, hugged me every time we got home because you knew i was tired and liked affection?
where did our random conversations go? where did the reassurances go? where did the person who was not afraid to say things to me, clear and open go?
why do i spend more time worrying and crying than smiling at you?
i also know it's not all you, and there are aspects of myself i should improve too. i'm temperamental, and when i'm upset i shut the world out until i'm ready to face it. i should find other ways to communicate with you, especially when my throat closes up and words get stuck on their way out. maybe i, too, should put more effort into appreciating you and planning things for us to do.
but all you do is point out how much i use my phone these days (not thinking of how it's because we just don't talk much anymore and i get anxious; my phone is a crutch during times of awkwardness); you criticise me for trying to communicate my issues (and then wonder why i don't want to talk); you assume things without asking me first (and it bothers me; i don't mind if you want to do things for me but i would prefer to know things).
i hope things get better because breaking up with you would break me. i get upset and angry but at the end of the day i don't want to leave you and i don't want you to leave me.
please. do something; say something; risk something.
because you're losing me.
2 notes · View notes
Text
you seem to forget that I'm a person too.
a small living breathing thing formed of stardust and chaos.
I'm smudged eyeliner with a stolen hoodie, smiling slightly as a new tarot card is pulled.
I'm dancing in a raging thunderstorm, wearing nothing but a black tank top and tattered jeans in the pounding rain.
I'm hopping that chain link fence to show you the best sunset from that top of the telephone line
I'm falling asleep on your lap while a scary movie plays.
I'm a humanized celestial body. you seem to forget that. and in all honesty, so do i.
42 notes · View notes
augustinesletters · 2 years
Text
an open letter to the boy who taught me love
hi, i don’t even know why i’m writing this it’s 12:44 am and i have to go to school later and i have so much in my head, so much of you. i keep crying every hour i get cause i’m still so confused, hurt and heartbroken. i don’t know where to put all this hurt. i love you. i wish i told you that in person the last time we met if only i knew it would be our last. i wish i told you how much you meant to me, i wish i just spilled my guts that day because maybe then you would’ve changed your mind. maybe you felt that what i gave wasn’t enough and i’m sorry if i never made you feel like you were the only one trying but god, i was trying. if i could rewind all the days i would. i would go back in october 2021 and read your letter 10 more times if i had to and told you how stupid yet how much your words worked and i was so happy that i told all my friends, i’m finally with the right person. i would go back to november 2021 and didn’t get drunk so then i would’ve spent more time with you when you went to my house on my birthday, i would’ve drowned in your presence more than i was clouded by my own pride. i would go back to december 2021 and just stayed out later with you and not even care if my mom would get mad at me because spending time with you was worth the screaming fest anyway and it was better than what i had to go home to anyway. i would go back to january 2022 and asked to spend more time with you and told you how lucky i felt that this was finally the year i was starting with someone new, someone safe, someone i love and that i finally felt stability. i would most definitely go back to february 2022 and just kissed you then and there, idk if i told you but i took deep breaths when i hugged you because i always felt like my chest was tight when i wasn’t around you and when i was with you i can finally breathe, i would’ve told you just how much i appreciated you and how much i love everything you do for me, i would’ve hugged you tighter and exhaled more of your scent until it filled my lungs so i could’ve brought the comfort you gave home with me. i would go back to march 2022 and remembered our first month and expressed just how much i appreciated you, you were out then and you still managed to greet me and i wasn’t even and i didn’t even try and i’m sorry, and i also would’ve saw you more. i would go back to april 2022 and just gave up and watched f1 with you cause i would’ve liked it anyway, i would’ve introduced you to my dad a little bit sooner, i would’ve told you that the second i get home from seeing you i already missed you. i would go back to may 2022 and i would’ve just been a little more patient with you when you were late for the movies, i would’ve hugged you more, i would’ve told you just how much i craved for the comfort of your touch but god forbid i let myself need someone else. i would go back to june 2022 and again, remembered our month thingy, told you just how much i feel empty when you’re not around me and just how much i think of you just as much as you thought of me especially when you were in vietnam i cried because i missed you so much. i would go back to july 2022 the most, i would’ve seen you more even though i claim 4 times a month is already too much, i would’ve seen you 30 more times, you could’ve gone to my house and surprised me and i wouldn’t care even though i said i don’t like it when you do that, i would thank you 10 more times for bothering to go to my house when i cried about not getting into the university i wanted to, i appreciated you so much for that you don’t even know, you’re my best friend and that’s what best friends do and you made me feel so much better and you made life and the failures feel so much easier and i wish i just stayed there. i wish i could go back to august 2022 and just did everything right, i loved our first kiss even when it wasn’t the most ideal and weirdest one i loved it because it was us, in a way. i love you and i could’ve said all the things you wanted to hear, did everything you wanted, made you feel like i was worth fighting for, maybe september 2022 would’ve been different then. i wish i can restart september 2022 and told you i love you so much the last time we saw each other, if i only knew that would be the last, i would’ve hugged you a little tighter, held your hands more and didn’t jokingly let go, talked a bit more, told you how much i love you, how much i appreciated you, how much i wanted and needed you in my life, that you were my comfort, my safe space, my home. i would’ve inhaled all your scent away and took it home with me if i only knew that was the last time i would’ve drowned in every piece of you that day. and my heart hurts because your touch still lingers and it hurts me so much because i could’ve done more and i didn’t. i wish when you said you needed space, i wish that i said no cause i really wanted to say no. you could’ve fought but you didn’t and the bottom line is i’m sorry. i’m sorry i couldn’t love the way you did, but i tried the best way i knew how. you’re my best friend and i lost my best friend. i don’t know what to do. i need you in my life.
14 notes · View notes
jayyne · 1 year
Text
just stop talking. be quiet. shut up. no one even cares…
it seems like silence has become my only choice for language. forced upon me. against my will. yet, still here i am with my mouth stitched shut, threaded by the echoes of their commands. my hands tied behind my back, twisting to try to reach freedom, just so i can desperately attempt to rip the stitches away from my already bloody mouth,  mutilated from their fists re-enforcing my silence.
- the truth i haven’t found the strength to speak
s.x.j.
4 notes · View notes
empty-meanings · 11 months
Text
you yelled at me for the first time in years. and i mean yelled— no screamed. put your face in mine, all red, veins bulging out of your forehead.
for the first time in my life. i wasn’t scared of someone screaming at me. i was angry. no fear, no sadness, no pain. just rage. other than that, i felt nothing.
— im done with this bullshit.
2 notes · View notes
aletternotsent · 1 year
Photo
Tumblr media
2 notes · View notes
shivwrites · 7 months
Text
what are you supposed to do when the ones you love have you convinced that you're unremarkable, forgettable?
maybe you cry because some of your oldest friends seem so fast to replace you, and so unwilling to listen, and space out when you see their faces on your lock screen, and it makes getting out of bed hard
but you have to get up, you have to go to class no matter how many times your professor makes eye contact with you as you tear up, you still have to eat, and maybe you get something one of them had recommended to you, and that's the closest you feel to them living on the same campus
and you keep thinking back to what you could've possibly done to deserve this, but you can’t think of any way you’ve wronged them
and you're that little brown girl in America who wishes she was white again because maybe your tears would matter just as much as the person’s who did this, maybe they’d believe your words just as much as hers, maybe they’d care about your historic relationship just as much as they care about their recent one
but you've worked hard your entire youth to take pride in where you’re from, to unlearn the bigotry forced on you, and now you study those microaggressions and that marginalization and you realize what this is about
and you center yourself, opening your eyes to all the love in your life, because it is boundless
maybe you’ve outgrown them, as much as you wish to hold on to the innocence of your teenage years together
maybe they were just waiting for you to fall off, maybe you’ll never been invited
who knows?
there are people out there who see you and who are unafraid to make you feel remarkable
you will no longer try to lick love off of knives
and you start speaking your mother toungue more because that seemed to have upset her extra that fateful night
and instead of doing your homework, you write this and who knows if you'll post it where they'll ever see it
but you'll know
1 note · View note
thisis-meh · 2 years
Text
Dear friend Mars,
It’s been a month exactly since we lost her , a month without hearing her voice , a month without going to her house because of her , a month since I lost a huge part of my life that I still can’t process until now .
Today I drove with my sisters around the streets downtown were we used to go with her reminiscing the memories we have , how she ate her food , how she always made sure to help the waiters gathering the plates , how she pronounced some words , how she would refuse to let us kiss her head without a struggle and her smile when she see us coming.
I Miss her a lot , I can’t believe it and still refuse to talk about her in the past tense because it feels like a nightmare to me but with effects that are obvious and seen around me.
You will always be alive in my heart , our memories and stories of a lifetime we had.
I love you grams more than anything and wish it was all nothing but a nightmare I had and wished to go away.. I really really wish it wasn’t real.
1 note · View note
rowandarling · 4 months
Text
it’s a quiet sort of tragedy
to feel the time slip away
the ghost of your hand is letting go
and your warmth is a distant memory
you’ve gone so far
yet i am right where you left me
39 notes · View notes
tenth-of-july · 7 days
Text
my integumentary system is familiar of even the thought of you that bounce around the voices of people I barely know; they tickle through the cracks of my goosebumps as the words continue to sort themselves into sentences until it eventually forms a coherent conception of who we were, what happened in between, and what we could have been. they continue to feel familiar deep through the layers of my skin, below my subcutaneous, inside my marrows, and around my tendons.
16 notes · View notes
signed-someone · 1 month
Text
To the couple who walked past me earlier,
six months ago I might have cried.
today I could only smile.
it was something about the way one of you slipped your hand around the other's waist on the inside of their coat, and the way the other leant into it.
the care in the touch, the love in the glances.
the meaning behind every smile, every word, every breath.
six months ago I might have cried.
today I could only smile.
13 notes · View notes
Text
here's a secret.
I hate to say it / but I lied / when I said I was over / my romantic feelings for you
I still love you.
and last night when you held me
it all came rushing back.
41 notes · View notes
addictings · 2 years
Text
It is so disappointing when you believe someone is going to be with you for the rest of your life, then all of a sudden they aren’t there for you anymore. I’ll always admire and support them from afar, but I wish I could be close to them again.
— strangers with memories (2022)
226 notes · View notes
jayyne · 1 year
Text
but that's the thing, there is a difference between sad and depressed, sad means there is a chance for you to cheer up but depressed just means that you don’t even stand a chance at all.
-from the letter you’ll never understand
           s.x.j.
3 notes · View notes