#a predictable way of closure

[areyouraisingstars]

father, can't you see i'm burning?

@apollomusing // desireé dallagiacomo, origin story // eula biss, the pain scale // halsey, i am angry because of my father // merlin (2008-2012) // richard siken, war of the foxes (ii) // @apollomusing // mitch albom, the five people you meet in heaven // succession, (2018-) // mary ruefle, woodtangle // richard siken, war of the foxes (ii) (repeated) // clementine von radics, every time a man yells // succession, (2018-) // agustín gómez-arcos, the carnivorous lamb // louise glück, "unpainted door", poems 1962-2012 // richard siken, war of the foxes (ii) (repeated) // ocean vuong, someday i’ll love ocean vuong // himzu (2011) dir sion sono // @apollomusing // holly black, the cruel prince // on the rocks, (2020) dir sofia coppola // rupi kaur, milk and honey // charles h. moreau, father and daughter

#shiv logan #Desireé Dallagiacomo #halsey #merlin #merlin bbc #morgana #uther #succession #Richard siken #mitch albom #agustin Gómez-Arcos #clementine von radics #louise glück #too tired to put the rest #to use your father's clothes as a way to say 'fuck you' and 'hold me' at the same time #a predictable way of closure #father can't you see i'm burning #theme: dysfunction #theme: parenting #theme: fatherhood #daddy issues #I hate this term

[dreampearls]

myyyyy goodness. that nahida quest

#LOTS OF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT #lets start with my complaints. i dont actually have that many i enjoyed this quest a lot #i will say though that genshins repeated thing of sacrifice as its ultimatum for resolving a lot of its plotlines is a Little scary. #and very predictable at this point #LIKE I DONT THINK ITS BAD ITS JUST.. as soon as the one elemental lifeform started absorbing the memories of everyone else #i was immediately like. Oh I See Where This Is Going #i kind of want to rewatch nahida's first story quest now just to compare the two (also i dont remember very much of it) #also it still feels like such a disservice to nahida to continually withhold info about rukkhadevata from her #but thats more of a personal feeling than anything. i dont necessarily think its a bad writing choice #but mannn give the girl some closure!! #my other thoughts: nahida trying to take care of apep despite their hatred & general reluctance to be saved was very reminiscent of how she #handled scara and i really hope that was purposeful #also the way she was so ready to sacrifice herself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! D: !!!!!!!!!!!!! NAHIDA #for some reason the fungi telling her ''this is not your home'' hurt me.. like on a personal level and i still dont really know why #that line in particular affected me as much as it did #nahida... still needs to find her home...

[gayofthefae]

After this whole Natalia + Eddie’s reaction thing, I am thinking thinking thinking about those rumors about Taylor’s return.

#911fox #return meaning like abby a guest star for closure #no getting hopes up but wouldn't it be incredible if they finally addressed the way buck went to her when eddie was in danger oopsie daisies #i do think it would be great if someday they were like 'why do you always kiss women when you're missing eddie' #evan buck buckley #911 predictions #mostly though i am thinking about him confronting his relationship habits and the unhealthy dependencies he continues to have even without #seeking out relationships #when they come to him he still idealizes i think #buddie predictions #taylor coming back will push buddie truther ?

[spirantization]

"Wild Blue Yonder" dealt with some of the emotional fallout of the Flux, so I want to rewind a bit and look at what that means for the Doctor.

I know that the Timeless Child and the Flux are contentious topics. I'm not here to argue either way. But now those storylines have decisively not been retconned, and with both of these fresh in my memory, I feel the need to offer some context for anyone who may not have seen it, and to recontextualize it for myself and anyone who has.

NotDonna: You don't know where you're from. The Doctor: How do you know that? How does anyone know? How does Donna know?

In "The Timeless Children", we find out that the Doctor was discovered as a child alone under a wormhole, and adopted by a woman named Tecteun. There was an accident where the Doctor fell from a cliff and regenerated, and subsequently Tecteun performed "experiments" on them to try to understand regeneration. The show minces words about this but she killed a child a whole bunch of times is what happened. Her experiments created the Time Lords and allow them to engineer their regeneration properties. The Doctor has no memory of any of this, and only finds out via the Master and information stored in the Time Lord Matrix.

The Doctor, predictably, doesn't tell anyone about this revelation. She makes a speech to the Master about how this makes her more, we get a single shot of her looking a bit tired in the TARDIS, then she immediately gets thrown in prison.

Ultimately, the Doctor doesn't know where they're from or who their parents are. And the very fact that they're not from Gallifrey is information that no one in the universe should have. Everyone who knew is now dead.

NotDonna: I saw it in your head. The Flux. The Doctor: It destroyed half the universe because of me. We stand here now, on the edge of creation, a creation which I devastated, so yes I keep running, of course I do! How am I supposed to look back on that? NotDonna: It wasn't your fault! The Doctor: I know!

A fun fact about the Flux is that the Doctor did not cause it. So why does he blame himself? Because the person who caused the Flux was Tecteun.

The reason why Tecteun wanted to destroy the universe is because the Doctor interfered with things too much. Too much morality. Too inspirational to people. She calls them a virus. So her solution to the problem of the Doctor is to destroy the universe, with the Doctor inside, and take her ship to a different universe to start fresh. She also was the one to steal all the Doctor's memories of previous lives in the first place. She's dismissive and patronizing and clearly does not care about the Doctor on an emotional level at all. Tecteun is a piece of work, and the implications of her actions and how they've shaped the Doctor have the potential to go deep.

Thirteen doesn't get too much of a chance to react to any of this, because there is plot going on. And shortly after they reunite, Tecteun gets killed by a different villain. So there was no emotional closure in the moment, and there's now no possibility for the Doctor to make sense of her actions. The Doctor does not tell any of her friends about any of these events. She keeps promising to tell Yaz but does not.

"Wild Blue Yonder" is the first time we, as the audience, hear the Doctor discuss the Flux. And their perception of events is skewed at best. The Flux wasn't caused because the Doctor made a mistake and a lot of people were killed, which is what you can argue for many other situations. The Flux and the devastation of the universe was caused by their mother, who promptly turned around and told them it was their fault for being such an interfering nuisance. We know that the Doctor is often an unreliable narrator, but this is beyond that. These are the words of an abused child who has internalized the narrative that the abuse was their fault.

So the Doctor being able to talk about this with Donna, who has seen what happened, who knows him, and tells him that it's not his fault — it means so much to him. He wants it to be her so badly. And then NotDonna laughs in his face. You can see the devastation. He thinks for one moment that he can finally talk about this with his best friend, and it's snatched away from him. He gives himself a moment to break down in the corridor, and then you can see the walls rebuilding as he suppresses it all again.

At the very end of the episode, back in the TARDIS, he's trying very very hard to be nonchalant. I'm curious. The NotDonna could remember all these things that happened to me while we were apart. Can you? Just wondering. Things happened, but I'll be fine. In a million years. It's not a joke.

He wants so badly to be able to talk about this. You can see it in all the lines of his body language. He's keeping himself together but is prepared to fall apart in an instant. He doesn't want to actually tell anyone, but if Donna just magically knew already, and could tell him it wasn't his fault — well, that would make the world of difference. But she doesn't know, and he can't bring himself to tell her. And so the cycle continues.

#doctor who #dw spoilers #wild blue yonder #the flux

[rose-lunaire]

Hi! I would like to make two requests for nbc Hannibal characters!

1. First kiss

2. Them having an obsession on reader

If you can please focus more on Bedelia and Hannibal. Thank you!😊🌻

hello sweetie, i already wrote a bit about obsessed boys in the past, so let me fulfill the first part of your request. thanks for reaching out and enjoy!

nbc hannibal characters having their first kiss with reader

pairings: hannibal x gn!reader, will x gn!reader, bedelia x gn!reader

warnings: none spotted

hannibal lecter

i see him making the first move quickly compared to the others

when he sees something he likes, wants he just goes for it

prefers to deal with the consequences of his actions much rather than the aftermath of not taking his chance

so it was your fourth date and he was waiting for you just outside the restaurant

and just when he was getting bored, he saw you: eyes glimmering, smile radiating off your features

he greeted you with a polite nod, to which you replied with an excited squeal and both hand waving his way

“hannibal” you exclaimed, running the last meters up to him

and he just kissed you

wanting to capture the sound of his name on your lips, engrave this moment in his mind and never let it go

drinking the vibrations like a starved vampire would drain his last meal

he asserts his claims towards you, professing his attachment and respect all in that one kiss

surprised and a little flustered, you were the first one to pull away

“whoa, someone’s eager to see me” you teased, chuckling your blush away

hannibal quickly regained his poise and extended his arm for you

“you don’t even realize how much”

will graham

he knows he has problems and doesn’t want to pull anyone into it

especially someone so genuine and caring as you

so after months of playing hide-and-seek with his feelings, he finally accepted you invitation to dinner

at 8 o’clock he finds himself reluctantly knocking on your door

you wanted this date to feel cozy and away from any prying eyes, so you’d both feel comfortable

you wanted will so open up so bad, after being colleagues for so long and never ever getting close to talking for more than five minutes

yet you felt such closure every time your eyes locked like with no one else

it was a warm evening, filled with quiet laugh and longing looks

ended with a small peck, a goodbye gift and a promise

will visibly uneasy and vulnerable

so you whispered “thank you”

“no, thank you”

there is definitely a next date coming

bedelia du maurier

she really likes to keep control of all that happens around her

and you’re the only one whose actions she can’t seem to predict

wild breeze bringing sanity into her awfully insane life

she appreciates your perspective on things, doesn’t always likes it but she’s grateful for your willingness to help

slowly, she begins to trust you and so your weekly talks become a much awaited tradition

one night, after one too many glasses of red wine, bedelia just opens up

talks how she can’t ever stop looking over her shoulder, how she questions every single decision, how she can’ stop analysing a mere gesture or word

but not with you

she’s really not the person to talk about her feelings, it’s like there’s always a mask on her face

but at that moment, it just dropped revealing a beautiful and vulnerable creature

and you just kiss her

it’s passionate and comforting, reassuring and fiery

the wall around bedelia falls down spectacularly just as she starts to build a new one: around the both of you

giving away protective glances to any nosy bystanders, she’s brimming with happiness and relief

#hannibal x reader #hannibal imagine #bedelia du maurier #nbc hannibal #will graham #hannibal lecter #hannibal reactions #murder husbands #yandere hannibal #yandere #will graham x reader #hannibal preferences #hannibal #hannigram #first kiss #hannibal fluff

[astroaid]

Cancer Rising 2024 Predicts

Accuracy entire on ENTIRE chart. General read not a personal read.

@masettivanessa requested <3

Feb 9 - New Moon in Aquarius

[More impactful if you have placements in aqua. The planet in aqua & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

This is your 8th house. You may begin a process that proves to be transformative later. With mercury being in aquarius too at this time, you may receive information that kickstarts this process.

The process can be a change in how you view yourself or others. Death, intimacy, or even interest in psychology of yourself or others. It is more likely an internal change that begins and not something you can physically see.

Mars (feb 13) and venus (feb 16) will join mercury in aqua this month. This makes february a very 8th house focused month. This can be difficult. On the bright side, it has potential to bring passion back into your life.

Around Feb 9, is a good time to plan for the future. How do you want to be reborn? Begin manifesting and going after those goals. Ex: Create a budget, look for jobs, change your aesthetic. Watch out for impulsively making changes though as mars can be quite impulsive.

Feb 24 - Full Moon in Virgo

[More impactful if you have placements in virgo. The planet in virgo & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

This is your 3rd house. Something is coming full circle. Especially anything you began around September 2023 when there was a new moon in virgo.

Topics of interest may be changing. Ex: An entry level course you’re taking could be completing. Semester ends. Conflict with siblings, cousins or your community in general has the opportunity for closure. The way you communicate could change. Possibly due to a mindset change if you took February’s earlier energy to decide on changes.

Mar 10 - New Moon in Pisces

[More impactful if you have placements in pisces. The planet in pisces & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

This is your 9th house. A good time to begin planning or thinking about higher education. For some, this is planning for the future - career and studied. For others, it can be planning for trips. However, it is very dependent on your natal and the natal of other’s you interact with. With mars coming into pisces on march 22, it will bring the will power to act on any ideas or plans you come up with. New moons generally take up to about 6 months of work to come to fruition.

Mar 25 - Lunar Eclipse in Libra

[More impactful if you have placements in libra. The planet in libra & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

If you have libra placements, this time could be very interesting. Something in your home or family life is coming full circle. Someone in the family or home could be departing as south node is transit here as well. South node has been here since July 17 2023 (and will stay here until Jan 28, 2025). This emphasizes the lunar eclipse is in the process of ending something in your home life. An old way of living is no longer necessary.

This can be simple as decor change. As libra can be concerned with aesthetics.

For others, you have known this end is coming so it could be something bigger like a move. You move or siblings move out. Maybe even the whole family is moving homes.

With north node in aries, (july 17 2023-jan 28 2024) you may have been feeling the need to focus more on things outside of the home. More focus on career, reputation, your connection with the outside. Aries north node pushes people to gain more independence. It is necessary to bring you closer to your natal north node/destiny.

April 1-25 - Aries Mercury Retrograde

[More impactful if you have placements in aries. The planet in aries & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

Don’t let retrogrades stress you out. Think of it as mercury double checking everything is in order. For you, this is a 10th house related retrograde. This can bring rethinking around your career and reputation. There may be some inconveniences. Ex: Car troubles on your way to work. Traffic, need to stop for gas.

And of course, mercury retrogrades are associated with exes coming back. Since this in your 10th house, if the natal does not indicate relationships, it is likely not you reaching out to ex friends or lovers. But who knows what’s going on in their charts or lives. They may want to speak to you again.

April 8 - Solar Eclipse in Aries

[More impactful if you have placements in aries. The planet in aries & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

When this occurs, mercury will be in retro in aries and chiron, venus + north node will be in aries. This really makes April the 10th house focused month.

Some may begin new careers, some may gain more responsibility in the work place. You could be getting achievements or recognition. But with mercury in retrograde, it may all be delayed.

April 20 - Jupiter + Uranus conjunct in Taurus

[More impactful if you have placements in taurus. The planet in taurus & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

Uranus’s is bringing sudden and unexpected energy. With jupiter, this is likely a nice surprise. For you, it is 11th house related. This can be learning good news in regards to your long term dreams/goals. Sudden exciting trips or hang outs with social circles. You could be making more friends as well.

April 23 - Full Moon in Scorpio

[More impactful if you have placements in scorpio. The planet in scorpio & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

This is your 5th house. Since the new moon in scorpio was in Nov 2023, any thing you began regarding 5th house topics may now come to closure or fully manifest.

This can be creative projects, things you do that being your pleasure and entertainment. If there was drama in your life, it may find closure now. 5th house is romance as well, if you’ve been seeing someone, it may now become a long term, stable connection. However, everyone’s situation is different so it can be the end of things that no longer bring you joy.

#astrology #astrology observations #cancer rising #cancer ascendant #capricorn descendant #capricorn 7th house #leo rising #libra rising #solar return observations #virgo 3rd house #leo 2nd house #aries mc #scorpio 5th house #libra ic #libra 4th house #aries 10th house #aquarius 8th house #sagittarius 6th house

[therhythmafterthesummer]

Five-Point Star: The Aftermath (M) ~Bang Chan

Pairing: Bodyguard/Assassin!Chan x Mercenary/Assassin!F.Reader Themes: Smut | bit of Fluff | Angst  Word Count: ~17k | AO3 Synopsis: After months of hindering a mercenary’s attempts to get to the person Chris was hired to protect, after months of many fights, injuries, and plotting, he had expected for the resolution to be much more satisfactory than this. [This is the second and hopefully final part to Five-Point Star]. Warnings: pet names · cold weapons · firearms · questionable morals · graphic depictions of violence · mentions of cheating [not involving the main characters] · graphic depictions of intercourse (smut warnings under the cut) · open-ish ending.

Author’s Note: here’s the promised second part to FPS! i just couldn’t bring myself to leave these two the way i did in part 1… like, part 1 can totally stand as its own thing, but i HAD to have some closure. i’ve been working on this one for quite some time, so here it is! i hope you enjoy it💜 especial thanks to @notastraykid & @channieskies for beta-reading this one💜

Due to all the abovementioned warnings, this story is intended for an adult audience only. Minors please do not interact.

Part 1 | Part 2 (you're here!)

Smut Warnings: fingering [F.Rec] · oral [F.&M.Rec] · unprotected penetration [piv] · no thoughts, head empty sex [aka having sex in questionable locations].

Disclaimer: the story presented in this work does not represent Stray Kids in any way; anything described in this story and all actions performed by the characters are purely fictional, this was created just for good fun.

After months of hindering a mercenary’s attempts to get to the person Chris was hired to protect, after months of many fights, injuries, and plotting, he had expected for the resolution to be much more satisfactory than this.

Well, he wasn’t sure if this was a resolution, if the problem had been eradicated or not… He wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

Seungmin, along with Chris and his team, had nicknamed that mercenary the Wraith, since it was hard to predict when they would strike, and it was pretty much impossible to find traces of their identity no matter how hard they tried. 

Whenever Chris managed to once again frustrate the Wraith’s attempts at–presumably–harming Seungmin, there simply weren’t any signs that they’d been there in the first place at all. Well, save for any injuries Chris sustained during their encounter.

He had no doubt as to what drove the Wraith to do what they did–or at least he thought he didn’t have any. This hadn’t been the first time someone had been hired to do something to Seungmin. After all, being the child of one of the most powerful families in the city certainly put a target on his back. However, this had been by far the most difficult enemy Chris and his team had to deal with.

It was frustrating, really. The Wraith seemed to always be one step ahead of them no matter how hard they tried to keep the young Kim’s schedule and plans a secret. It wasn’t until they discovered that the phone of Seungmin’s personal tailor–Hyunjin–had been wiretapped, that they were finally able to get the upper hand.

Chris had conjured this plan to get the Wraith to believe Seungmin would be attending an event in one of the oldest theatres in the city. There, Chris would be waiting for them. 

He’d admit he was cocky. He’d asked his team to not come with him, he’d told them he had to do this alone, giving them a bullshit excuse.

‘If we’re all there, Seungmin won’t be as protected as he should be, so I’m gonna be there on my own while you guys make sure he’s safe’, that was exactly what he’d told them back then, but, in reality, Chris just wanted to do this on his own because his own pride was hurt.

Chris was decent at his job. Sometimes–admittedly most times–he even believed he was good at it. But in the deep recesses of his mind, he couldn’t help but feel like the Wraith was better than him. It was more than obvious. If they hadn’t been, he would’ve been able to kill them on their very first encounter. 

Regardless, he’d gone to the theatre on his own, where he waited for the Wraith to make their expected appearance. He figured that playing the piano would elevate his plan. He hoped it’d give his opponent the impression that nothing was out of place, that this was a normal concert, and they had nothing to be suspicious of.

Funny thing, how after so many months of pushing and pulling, it was almost like Chris could already tell when the Wraith was close. So the moment they’d stepped into the hall, he’d immediately stopped his piece and shot on sight. 

It all became a blur of flying knives and missed shots, until there was no other option but to physically fight. 

The Wraith was better than Chris, and he came face to face with this fact the moment his back had hit the floor and a knife had been pressed to his neck. He’d been, once again, defeated. He was blinded by rage, by frustration…

How could this person be better than him? No one had been until this point. Sure, he’d sustained many injuries throughout his career as Seungmin’s personal bodyguard, and he’d certainly been close to dying many times, but the Wraith had managed to beat him every single time they met. It irked him beyond belief.

Chris liked to cover his face when he was on duty, at least when he was out in public. He didn’t want people to know his face, he liked to be able to go to the grocery store or meet his girlfriend without having to worry about someone recognising him and trying to kill him, so he wore his mask diligently.

But, of course, his opponent had to remove it.

Of course they wanted to see his face, it made sense to him. But the fact that it made sense didn’t diminish the blow to his pride, though.

‘…Chris?’

No one had ever spoken his first name out loud while he’d been on duty outside of the Kims’ estate. Not even his team members, they knew not to expose him like that. He liked to keep his civilian side and his professional side separated, so he figured he’d give some use to both of his given names. 

Which was why, hearing it in that context, from the Wraith, made his blood freeze in his veins. He was beyond confused, borderline panicking, but even then, the voice sounded… familiar.

Chris realised then he’d never heard the Wraith speak. And as he looked into their eyes, even the shape of their eyebrows–the only discernible feature on their face under the hood and kerchief they wore to keep the rest concealed–recognition started to settle in his brain.

But there was no way. It couldn’t have been… 

His opponent was stunned, as was he. But that didn’t stop him from slowly reaching for that kerchief covering half of their face so he could pull it down.

Nothing would’ve prepared Chris for what he’d find under that piece of fabric. 

Chris always loved to see his girlfriend whenever he could. It was honestly a miracle that he was able to have a relationship in the first place, but she’d just made it so easy from day one, so he always tried to make time and space for her in his life. Seeing her always brought him this immense sense of comfort and familiarity that just couldn’t be matched.

However, this was a setting in which he would’ve never expected to see her face. This didn’t feel comforting at all.

Your name came out of his mouth in a breathless whisper, almost as if he needed to say it outloud for his brain to truly process that it was you on top of him, pressing a knife to his throat. His head started to spin right then and there.

Had you… had you known all this time? Had you been using him? There was no way. Something in the back of his mind told him it was just impossible. He’d been careful…

The few times he actually wanted to reveal his profession to you, something always seemed to prevent him from doing so, and he always took it as a sign that it wasn’t the right time. But maybe you’d known who he was this whole time…

‘I had no idea…’

The look on your face, coupled with the way your voice trembled, made him believe you. And maybe, he wanted to believe you. There was no way the love you’d shown him all these months could be faked, not when it’d felt so genuine…

How fucking twisted… What were the odds of you being both his girlfriend and one of the most annoying mercenaries he’d had to deal with?

God, these past handful of months… He’d been dealing with you.

He’d been trying to kill you.

He’d aimed and shot and hit you with the intent of killing you.

Chris wanted to vomit. He was disgusted with himself, confused, he wanted to cry. This was all so absurd and cruel… It’d been a long time since he’d felt this way, but at that moment, he genuinely just wanted to die.

He was used to killing and hurting people. He was never fazed by any of it at this point, but he’d done it because he wanted to protect the people he cared about. You being on the receiving end of this treatment was just completely wrong. You were one of the people he cared about. He’d never wanted anything other than to protect your safety and wellbeing. 

Chris was a firm believer that men who mistreated their loved ones were just scum, that they deserved to die. He’d often killed men like these and felt absolutely no remorse about it.

But now he was one of those men.

How could he go on after this? After knowing what he’d done to you? He couldn’t… He didn’t want to.

At that moment, he firmly believed he deserved to die. He’d hurt you, not only that, but Seungmin’s life was way more important than his own, so if you absolutely had him as your target, he’d just have to continue fighting against you.

And, again, he didn’t want to…

So he asked you to kill him.

However, you refused.

The fact that you wouldn’t take his life puzzled him. How could you not want him dead? After all that had transpired, why wouldn’t you? 

Chris had always known he wasn’t a good man. At least, not in the eyes of some. But, he’d made it his mission to be a good man to you, for you… And, most times, when he was with you, he truly felt like he was. 

This changed it all. His own perception of himself had just been shattered to pieces. Who was he now? Who were you?

‘Baby…’ Chris honestly almost started sobbing when you called him that. It was his preferred pet name, he’d told you many times before how much he liked it, how it made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside… Right at that moment, it didn’t make him feel that way. It felt like one of your knives had just stabbed his heart. ‘I’m sorry… I don’t think I’ll make it to our vacation this weekend’.

Oh, that stung.

Your vacation this weekend… He’d planned it all out. A relaxing getaway to the coastside, perfect for enjoying each other’s company… He’d even wanted to seriously tell you everything about this side of his life, and if you’d been fine with it, he wanted to ask you to move in with him.

Clearly, that wasn’t going to happen now.

Chris was too stunned to move from his place on the floor. Too stunned to move and do anything to stop you from leaving. He was torn, confused, he was here to kill the Wraith, and not only did he not achieve that, he’d also found out that the person he’d been trying to kill was one of the people he loved most in this world.

The rage he felt coursing through him was uncontainable. So much so, the moment he did manage to stand up from that floor, he started thrashing the stage.

Every piano had been turned to nothing but a pile of useless pieces of wood and ivory. He’d emptied his guns by shooting at the seats and walls. He did all that as tears wouldn’t stop running down his cheeks.

How fucking pathetic.

He was pathetic.

Even when he had composed himself enough to return to the Kims’ estate, Chris still felt like he was nothing but the worst man on the planet, like he was useless as a bodyguard, like he was useless as his loved ones’ protector, and like he’d become the universe’s punching bag…

“Based on that look on your face, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you didn’t get the target?” Felix’s voice greeted him as soon as he entered Seungmin’s home, further aggravating those feelings inside of him.

“No, I didn’t”, was the only thing he said to the younger man as he walked past him and made his way straight to his assigned room. 

Chris was in no condition to speak of the matter. He needed to sort his thoughts out. He knew he had to tell his team about what happened, he had to tell them who you were. He had more than enough information about you to finally stop you from getting any closer, he had enough information to end you.

As he entered his room and started taking his gloves off, as he looked at the tiny plastic gnome figurine he kept on this room’s bedside table, Chris wasn’t really sure he’d be able to do any of that.

The sound of choked coughs filled the previously quiet space.

Chris sat up abruptly on the bed, coughing violently since he, once again, had choked on his spit in his sleep.

With a trembling hand, he reached for the bottle of water he kept next to the bed. When the coughing had lessened, he chugged half the bottle in one gulp. 

‘You should really go to the doctor’s, baby…’

Your voice resonated in his mind, an echo of the mix of memories from the numerous times you’d woken him up before he started coughing. He remembered the gentle murmur like it’d been whispered to him yesterday. He could practically feel the soft caresses of your fingertips on his back.

It made him feel like his throat was closing for real.

After placing the bottle back on the bedside table, he plopped back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Chris couldn’t help but remember you. It seemed like it was all he did these days. 

His brain was certainly his worst enemy, especially at times like these, when he wasn’t on active duty, when he was just trying to get a few hours of sleep in his assigned room. Within the solitude of these four walls, it was easy for his brain to attack him, to send him in a spiral of memories that did nothing but make his heart ache and his eyes sting…

“Aaahhh… The food was absolutely delicious”, you rubbed your belly as you walked, with a big smile on your face. “I feel like I’m about to burst… But seriously, though, you should’ve at least let me pay for my food”.

Chris looked at you, amused at how you slightly swayed side to side with each step. He, too, felt like he was about to burst. The meal had been good, it’d been amazing, but… the company had certainly been much better.

When was the last time he felt like this? This… calm? Calm, but somehow still a bit giddy. He genuinely couldn’t recall…

“Nonsense”, he waved his hand in the air as if to dismiss the thought. “I invited you for dinner, didn’t I? ‘Least I could do was pay”.

You turned to look at him, pouting, and it was honestly… adorable.

You were adorable, he’d known this since the very first day he met you, but every time he saw you after that, you somehow managed to step it up a notch. And he truly couldn’t cope.

Chris could hardly believe he was here tonight, having a date, and with a person he genuinely liked at that. It’d been a long time since he’d done anything remotely close to going on a date, but a few nights ago, after spending another evening talking to you at one of his friend’s gatherings, he found himself asking you out before he could stop himself.

It was unplanned, uncalculated, which was so unlike him… He always tried to plan ahead. Considering the profession he was in, he had to carefully choose who he associated himself with. Chris hardly ever mingled with civilians, but when he did, it was usually with this particular friend group from his childhood, who you seemed to also be acquainted with through a friend of yours.

The first time he spoke with you, he thought he was making a fool of himself, but as the night progressed, something started to linger between you two… Call it tension, or chemistry, but he was certainly intrigued.

Every time he went to his friend’s house to socialise, you were there. And every time, his always ended up with him sitting next to you, talking well into the wee hours of the night, about the silly shows you watched, or anything you felt like talking about, really.

Chris genuinely enjoyed talking to you, which he figured was exactly the reason why he’d asked you out on a date. He was honestly tired of seeing you only in the confines of his friend’s fence, it just wasn’t enough. He wanted more.

“C’mon, no pouts”, Chris chuckled, taking your hand. You seemed to be a bit surprised at the action, and, being honest, he was surprised at the action. But he’d already done it, so he wouldn’t back down. Thankfully, even if it had surprised you, you didn’t seem to mind. If anything, you intertwined your fingers with his, effectively agitating the butterflies in his stomach. “Let’s take a walk, hm?”

With leisure steps, you walked until you found yourselves at the pier. There were people here, but it wasn’t overly crowded, which Chris was grateful for.

Just before you both made it to the railing so you could look at the sea, you exclaimed an excited ‘Oh!’, and bent down to pick up something from the ground.

“Look!” You showed Chris what you found, and he couldn’t keep the smile from forming on his lips. “It’s just a little guy!”

Chris chuckled at your outburst. He giggled. You’d just made him giggle… When was the last time he giggled like this? “It really is!”

“D’you wanna give him a home?” You wiggled the figurine in front of him. “I heard these can be tokens of good luck”.

Chris immediately extended his palm, and you carefully placed the plastic toy in his hand. A gnome, around half the size of his finger. For having been found on the ground, it didn’t look in bad shape, it was honestly cute, so he put it in his pocket, and placed his hand over his heart after.

“Promise I’ll take good care of him”, Chris smiled at you. “I do need some luck”.

You chuckled at that, before you tugged him along so you could finally make it to the railing. With your elbows propped on it, you both spent a good while there, just talking, joking, and enjoying the sound of the waves crashing against the breakwater.

It was… nice. Relaxing, even. 

He didn’t really know how he found himself standing so close to you, moving a few strands of hair away from your face and caressing your cheek with his knuckles. Most shockingly to him, was how you let him do these things. You looked comfortable, like you were genuinely enjoying spending time with him.

“If I tried to kiss you… would you let me?” The words escaped from somewhere deep within him. A question that he’d had in the back of his mind every time he looked at your lips, every time he saw you smile or laugh. He’d never thought he’d say it out loud, but here he was, saying them to you directly.

“Yes”, there wasn’t a single gram of hesitation in your voice, although he was sure he could hear a hint of surprise. It was almost like, just as his question, your answer had come out of your mouth before you could stop to think about it.

Your lips were so soft… you tasted like the balm you’d applied a few minutes ago, and the minty gum you’d been chewing earlier. Your cheeks, too, were soft under his palms when he held them between his hands.

Chris was certain you were soft all over. You looked soft, and maybe that was why his hands had found their way to your hips, where he could mindlessly knead the flesh over your jeans while his mouth was too busy getting acquainted with yours.

He pulled away from the kiss briefly, only to be met with a shy smile on your face before you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him in again. He couldn’t stop the delighted laugh that bubbled within him, nor the way he dived in fully into your kiss.

Maybe that gnome was lucky. Maybe it was thanks to that gnome that he’d somehow managed to come back to his flat accompanied for once. At least the one time he did want to come back with someone…

Chris could barely remember the last time another person was here with him. It must’ve been with one of his siblings, for sure. He had no doubts that he’d never brought anyone he was remotely attracted to in here, but he figured tonight was a night of trying new things.

Like pretending he could be just some guy… that he could be normal.

He hadn’t truly processed what was going on until you were both on his bed, dressed in nothing but your underwear. Propped on his elbows, he just looked at you.

You were wearing a black set, with a repeating pattern of red hearts on both pieces. It was… cute. In his humble–and absolutely correct–opinion, it fit you amazingly, you looked gorgeous under him like this, looking up at him like you genuinely wanted him. Like you saw him.

Which… made him feel nervous. 

Anyone else would’ve told him it was a silly thing to feel in this context. Chris had had plenty of sex in his life, but right here, right now, he wasn’t sure if this was anything like the sex he used to have. It didn’t feel like it, for sure. Mostly because he was feeling things. It wasn’t a chore or a commitment, there was genuine desire spreading within him, and it was a bit scary…

“What’s wrong?” you mumbled, cupping his cheeks.

Chris swallowed, suddenly aware that he’d zoned out for a moment there, long enough for the need reflecting in your eyes to start mixing with concern. Should he tell you what was going through his mind? If he did, would you mind…?

Tonight was indeed a night of firsts, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to open up fully. It was enough of a miracle that he’d let you into his flat, that he himself had willingly brought you here after a date.

“I…” Chris figured there were things he shouldn’t talk about just yet, but he really, really liked you, so saying something that was true, without revealing any details of his past, felt right. And he did just that. “I haven’t really… It’s been a long time since I’ve done this, okay? I guess I’m just… a bit out of my element”.

“Oh…” Your eyes widened in surprise, and your hands moved away from his face to rest on his shoulders instead.

Fuck… He fucked up. He probably shouldn’t have said that. Why did he have to be honest? He should’ve pretended, like he always did…

“Yeah, sorry to be a disappointment”, he chuckled, although it didn’t sound very humorous, not even to his ears.

“What? No, no”, you squeezed his shoulders, and your gaze immediately softened. “I’m just surprised! I just wasn’t expecting someone like you to just… y’know, not be having sex”.

That made him chuckle, genuinely this time. “What do you mean? I can’t even believe you’re here. I’ve got no idea how we managed to get to this point, honestly”.

“You’re very charming”, bringing your hands to his face again, you smiled at him. “If it makes you feel any better, I also haven’t… really done this in a while. I don’t usually go on dates at all… but I guess you’ve really made an impression on me. Clearly”.

That did make Chris feel slightly better.

“We don’t really have to do anything, y’know?” You said it very seriously, with no hesitation. “It’s fine by me, really. Although, I’d appreciate some cuddles anyway, if that’s okay with you”.

It was such a simple thing.

He didn’t have to do anything.

He could say no if he wanted to, and, somehow, he knew you’d respect that. Or, at the very least, he wanted to believe you would respect that. You hadn’t shown him any differently so far.

“Oh, we’re definitely cuddling…” Chris dived in, finding your neck with ease to attach his lips to your skin. “Later, though…”

“Later?” You chuckled, burying one of your hands in his hair, and placing the other on his lower back. 

“Mm…” With a trail of kisses, Chris made his way down your neck, your chest, finally using his hands to further push your breasts together so he could bury his face between them. “I really want you”.

And he really, really did. Probably more than he’d wanted anyone in a long time.

“I want you, too”, you replied simply, honestly.

It was one of the things Chris had liked about you since the very first moment he spoke with you. Your honesty, your transparency… you never really seemed to care about keeping pretences, always went straight to the point and voiced your thoughts.

Chris was a taker. He took lives, took money, took territories… he took things from people as he saw fit. Whether it was the right thing to do or not he didn’t care. 

But that wasn’t his inherent nature, and he’d always been painfully aware of this. For a long time, he’d been trained to take things, he was good at it, but, deep down, he was a giver.

To the people that were close to him, to the people that really knew him, he yearned to give all he could offer. 

That night, he really wanted to give you everything. So he did.

It was all so vulnerable, but so exhilarating at the same time. To not feel judged, nor belittled, to be open with his wants and needs, to be consumed by fire and passion… It was something he wasn’t used to, but the more time passed with you two in his bedroom, the more he realised just how much he liked it, how much he liked you…

With the first orgasm he managed to coax out of you, he realised just how much he wanted this to be a thing, he felt that you were just so compatible. Physically, emotionally, and, with a bit of luck, romantically, too.

Even after a couple of hours, when he was already giving you those cuddles he’d promised, when he asked you to stay the night, basking in the post-orgasm buzz, he believed wholeheartedly that this could work.

‘You’ll call me back, right?’ Chris couldn’t help himself when he asked you that the morning after your date.

It was crazy. There was no real space in his life for a relationship, not when he had to hide his profession from you. What would you think of him once you knew that the majority of the time he was a cold-blooded assassin, and not the dorky guy you met through a friend of a friend?

He would’ve liked to be like you. Honest and straightforward, but maybe it was for the best to not mention this just yet. It was only just one date, just one night of quite possibly the most fulfilling sex he’d ever had, but he already knew that this was something he wanted. He wanted to hold onto this feeling for as long as possible, he wanted you.

‘Would you like that?’ You’d asked amusedly, before you kissed him, standing right on the entrance of his flat.

‘I would’. 

You’d smiled at him. After pressing one final kiss on his cheek, you mumbled against his skin. ‘Maybe I will, then…’

And you did.

In recent years, Chris had never felt as happy as he did when he was with you. He wholeheartedly believed that his relationship with you was one of the best things to ever happen to him.

At least, until that night in the theatre.

Reminiscing the past was hard these days, especially after the first month without hearing from you. He’d gone through so many different emotions. He felt angry, sad, and sometimes even betrayed…

He’d always believed you to be a transparent person, and maybe you were, but, just like himself, you clearly wanted to keep this part of yourself in the dark. He supposed he couldn’t blame you, but it still bothered him. 

Why didn’t you tell him before? 

If you’d told him, you would’ve probably never been in this situation. The Wraith’s attacks started well after you’d gotten together, so, if he’d known who you were, and you’d known who he was, he was convinced none of this would’ve happened at all.

Chris would’ve liked to tell you all this, to shout and get all these thoughts and feelings off his chest. But every time he picked up the phone to call you, he chickened out.

At first, he told himself that it was to keep things less complicated. In reality, he just couldn’t stand the thought of the call not going through…

So he didn’t do anything.

He was too tired, and maybe too much of a coward to face this.

Maybe one day, he’d grow the balls to do it. Maybe one day he’d get some sort of closure, but that day clearly wouldn’t be any time soon.

Chris often spent his nights on patrol around the Kims’ estate. He couldn’t really bring himself to sleep at night, so he was usually working well into the morning, until they changed guard.

Although, no one really dared come here. Since he became one of Seungmin’s personal bodyguards years ago, there’d been only two instances in which someone tried to infiltrate his home. 

Both times, the person had ended up dead, of course. That was the Five-Point Stars’ sole purpose, to keep the young heir safe. Chris was genuinely proud of his team, they always carried out their task without hesitation, and he was convinced their skills were unmatched.

Tonight, though, something didn’t feel quite right. There was this feeling of dread inexplicably pooling in Chris’ stomach, and it was making it really hard to focus on doing his job.

It was close to midnight when the feeling started intensifying, so Chris moved from his post outside Seungmin’s wing of the estate, leaving Jeongin on his own to guard the space. If anything went down, the younger man would be more than capable of taking care of it, Chris was very confident in this, so he felt no reservations when he started patrolling the outer areas.

After a while of just walking, he just couldn’t ignore his gut feeling any further.

There was someone sneaking around in the Kims’ estate, Chris could feel their every move, but he couldn’t see them, and that made that feeling of uneasiness grow inside him. Not because he was scared, by any means, but because it all felt just how it did whenever he had to deal with the Wraith… whenever he had to deal with you.

Chris hadn’t heard from you in three months, not from the you that was his girlfriend–…ex-girlfriend?–nor the you that was the Wraith. He supposed, ultimately, you were both, just like he was both Chris and Chan, but it was still just so surreal to him…

Three months and his head still couldn’t wrap around the idea that you were both the person he loved, and the one he despised. Anyone that dared come anywhere near Seungmin with ill-intent was an enemy to him, but the more he pondered on the fact that you were doing that, the less he could see you as an enemy… And that, maybe, just maybe, did scare him.

You’d become his weakness, to the point where if he were to see you now, in this estate, trying to kill Seungmin, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to carry out his one and only task. He’d spent these last few months begging to the stars above his head that you wouldn’t try to get to Seungmin again, because he genuinely didn’t know if he’d be able to stop you.

As Chris followed his gut instinct, trying to chase that phantom of a presence that seemed to glide through the corridors, he started to come to terms with the fact that the possibilities of the intruder being you were just way too high, it was all too familiar… 

And he hated it.

He hated it all…

He caught a shadow moving in his peripheral vision, and not even thinking twice about it, he chased it–as quietly and stealthily as his skills let him.

Before he knew it, he had raised his gun and pressed it against the back of the person’s head, right against their hood. They raised both of their hands to signal they didn’t have any weapons at hand, and even if the movement should’ve eased his mind, it didn’t. It only confirmed his worst fear.

Knowing what he knew now, he could just recognise the fingers poking through the gloves’ holes, and the overall frame.

There you stood, after three months of nothing, dressed just how you had been the last time he saw you. Chris tried his best to ignore the lump that seemed to be growing in his throat, the desperate need to both scream and cry and hug you and push you away. 

Instead, he just pressed the muzzle of his gun a bit harder against your skull, taking a deep breath before he spoke. “What’re you doing here?”

Your shoulders seemed to relax the tiniest bit as you heard the sound of his voice, which, in other circumstances, Chris would’ve deemed a very foolish reaction on your part. But, being honest, he wouldn’t be surprised if you already knew it’d be incredibly hard for him to harm you.

“Looking for you”.

Cursed be his heart for jumping in his ribcage, it was almost embarrassing how quickly and easily the sound of your voice was able to kick-start it into a messy, erratic pace. Chris couldn’t let that show, though. He needed to bluff, and he needed to do it well. 

“Bullshit”, he swallowed, trying to get rid of that knot in his throat. It just made it worse. “What are you truly here for?”

Your shoulders rose and fell with your deep breath, and slowly, so very slowly, you started to move, to turn around so you could finally be face to face with him. You kept your hands up in the air, to show him you weren’t going to attack, but he just couldn’t let his guard down. Not any more than it already was.

As usual, the lower part of your face was covered by a black kerchief, and the hood of your outfit almost fell over your eyes. The sight was almost revolting, if he thought about it too deeply… His gun raised, pressed against your forehead, ready to be shot at any second. It was something out of his worst nightmares, of those that showed him himself hurting the people he loved.

“I’m telling you the truth, I’ve been looking for you. I’ve come to warn you”.

“Warn me?” The statement was so unexpected Chris couldn’t even hide the surprise in his voice, but he recovered quickly, trying to mask his emotions with a condescending scoff. “What could you possibly need to warn me about?”

“They’re coming for you”, you said simply, your eyes unwavering as they stared deeply into his.

“They being?”

“The Guild”, your fingers moved, but you weren’t doing anything particularly malicious, you simply used your thumb to crack each knuckle, a gesture he knew you did only when you were nervous.

You must’ve known he knew this detail about you. He’d tried to stop you from cracking your knuckles many times in the past, whenever you were watching a scary movie that made you anxious, or whenever you had to order at a new restaurant. Back then, he would always take your hand in his, and drag his thumb on the back of it to help ease those nerves.

Chris couldn’t do that now.

To display such weakness in front of him messed with his head. Were you doing it out of real nervousness, or were you doing it as a tactic to distract him…? 

Regardless, he knew of the Guild. He’d heard of them before. Essentially a hub of guns-for-hire, with an extensive catalogue of many different mercenaries, who specialised in different activities. At this point, he wouldn’t be surprised if that was who you really worked for, that it’d been through them that you were hired to get to Seungmin.

“Someone has been hired to do what I couldn’t do. I heard them talking and I just… I felt like I needed to warn you”.

“You could’ve just called, why come all the way here for that?” Chris’ arm was getting tired from holding up the gun, but he just couldn’t lower it.

“I tried”, you sighed. “I tried, but you wouldn’t pick up, so I came here…”

Chris’ eyebrows furrowed in confusion. You called? There was no way… He would’ve seen it. Hell, he would’ve picked up. Unless… “When did you call?”

“Around thirty minutes ago”.

That’d explain why he wouldn’t have heard it. He never carried his personal mobile phone with him when he was on duty–or at least he tried not to. He used to do it a couple of times a week, on the days that he missed you, that he wanted to know anything that had been going on in your day–what you ate, what you were doing, what you were watching, anything that could make him feel close to you… He hadn’t done that in three months.

“And it couldn’t wait?” Chris was doing an excellent job at keeping the scowl on his face and the annoyed tone in his voice, probably because he was feeling exactly like that. Annoyed. “You tried to hurt Seungmin and now you care about what happens to him? Hard to believe”.

“I don’t fucking care about Seungmin”, your eyebrows knitted together, and in a movement way too fast for someone that had a gun pointed to their forehead, you pulled your kerchief down, revealing your face fully to him.

It was almost pathetic how his heart skipped a beat at the sight.

“I’ve got no ill feelings towards the kid, truly, but I also don’t really care about him. The people talking… They said they were going for Seungmin’s guard dog first, in hopes of debilitating his security system, so I… I just…”

You closed your eyes, taking a deep breath. When you opened them again, the glint of vulnerability shining in your gaze made his heart ache.

“I know it’s crazy, fuck… I didn’t think this through. They’re planning on striking sometime this week, and I just felt like I needed to come and tell you, so you could be prepared”.

Chris swallowed thickly. His hand trembled the tiniest bit, he wasn’t sure if you could feel his gun tremble against your skin, too. “If any of this is true, how could I even know you’re not here to distract me from doing my job? That this isn’t one of your schemes?”

“You can’t know”, you said, matter-of-factly. “There’s no way for you to confirm what I’m saying is true. All you can do is trust me and my word. I dropped the job after our encounter in the theatre. I just can’t do it when I’m this emotionally involved”.

When I’m this emotionally involved…

When I’m…

I’m…

I am…

I am…

I am…

Present tense.

You said that in present tense, like you were… like you were still emotionally involved.

Chris was weak. He was weak for you. Three months with no contact couldn’t change that, the fact that you had tried to kill him couldn’t change that, and the fact that he had tried to kill you also didn’t seem to be able to change that.

He was weak, and he couldn’t hide it.

With a sigh, he lowered his gun, and your frame immediately relaxed as soon as the weapon wasn’t pointed in your direction. “How infuriating…”

“What? Me? Or the people coming for your boss?” There was the tiniest bit of a humorous tone in your voice, and it just made him sigh again.

“Both”, he took his communicator from his belt, and clicked the communication button to speak with his colleague. “SpearB, do you copy? Over”.

There were a few seconds of silence, until the communicator crackled and Changbin’s voice resonated from the device. “I hear you, Channie. Over”.

You arched an eyebrow and crossed your arms over your chest, mouthing a ‘Channie?’ at him, which Chris decided to ignore completely. 

“Check in with Yongbok and make sure the perimeter is secure. Something doesn’t feel quite right, so we need to keep a close eye on each and every entrance. Over”.

The device crackled again. “You think it’s the Wraith? Over”.

Chris looked at you, and you looked right back at him. Your body was tense once again, and a spark of doubt flashed in your eyes. Licking his lips, he clicked the button on the device once more. “No. No, I don’t think it’s the Wraith. Just do what I said, and let me know if you find anything out of order. Over”.

‘Roger that. Over!’ was the last thing Chris heard from Changbin. He returned the communicator to its holster on his belt, all without taking his eyes from you.

There was a moment of silence, a moment that seemed to be stretching far too long for his liking, so he cleared his throat, crossing his arms over his chest. “So… You’ve delivered your message. What now?”

You attempted to pop your knuckles again, the action obviously gave no results, since you’d done this already earlier, but Chris knew that wouldn’t stop you. It never did, your nervous habits always shone through.

You opened your mouth to speak, but before you could, a door opened somewhere in the area, and the sound of Changbin’s whistling filled his ears. Your eyes widened, just like Chris’ did as you stared at one another.

This was dangerous. If anyone saw you, you were at risk of being tortured for information, or straight up killed because of your numerous attempts to hurt Seungmin.

Chris wasn’t thinking, he just had to act, and he had to do it fast. Taking your hand, he quickly pulled you further down the corridor, where he could push you against the wall, right behind a column to hopefully hide you both from his teammate. 

You opened your mouth again to say something, and Chris simply placed a hand over your mouth to stop you, bringing his index finger to his lips to signal you to not make any noise. 

As the sound of steps drew closer, Chris mindlessly pressed you further against the wall, hopefully minimising the chances of Changbin seeing you.

He held his breath, waiting patiently as he looked at the shadows his friend’s body casted against the nearby wall. 

When it seemed like the steps were becoming more and more distant, Chris looked back at you, and only then did he realise just how close you both were. Your bodice was rigid against his chest, and the handles of your knives poked his abdomen. Noses almost brushed against each other, the hand he’d placed on the wall was itching to hold your waist, and as he looked into your eyes, as he saw galaxies and a plethora of feelings swimming in them, he was almost winded by how warm you felt. 

Chris could barely hear Changbin’s footsteps over his heart beating this fast and loud in his ears.

Fuck, he was a weak man. 

A weak man who was still hopelessly in love. 

It took a couple of minutes for Changbin to finally leave the area completely, his exit was signalled by the sound of a door opening and closing. Just to be safe, though, he kept quiet for a while longer, he kept pressing you against the wall and his hand firmly on your mouth.

Just to be safe… No other ulterior motives at all…

After a few moments, he finally removed his hand away from your mouth, slowly, so very slowly moving it to rest against the wall instead, right next to your waist as well. You mindlessly licked your lips as soon as his hand was off your face, and Chris couldn’t help but focus on the movement. 

Oh, your lips… how he missed them… He missed the way they moved with every word you said, how you would mindlessly chew on them when you were focused, how they felt like against his own, against any and every part of his body… 

“Why are you here?” Chris’ voice was barely a whisper. He didn’t intend for the words to come out unsteady, nor for his hands to start trembling slightly against the wall, but it was hard for his body not to react this way when he’d spent all these weeks just steeping in his own misery. 

You took a deep breath, your chest rose and fell against his own, and right then, with the barely there illumination of the bulbs on the roof, he could see your eyes start to shine with the tears that welled in them. 

“Because I care about you”, you said it so easily, like you weren’t just reaching inside his ribcage and squeezing his weak little heart with such a simple statement. “I know it’s stupid. That it’s insane, considering everything that’s happened. But I really can’t help it. Every day, all I can think about is how you’d be. If you’re eating well, if you’re getting enough sleep… And I hate it”.

You were trying really hard not to let the tears fall, it was obvious to Chris, yet your voice didn’t waver, not a little bit.

“I hate that I worry about you knowing what I’ve done to you. I hate that I can’t stop caring. When I heard them talking tonight about how they wanted to hurt you I just… I couldn’t think straight, I had to do something”, you took a deep breath and closed your eyes, leaning your head back against the wall.

Chris couldn’t say anything. He just couldn’t. He wanted to tell you that he couldn’t stop caring, either. That he felt guilty, yes, but he still cared. That he’d always care, but the words just wouldn’t come out.

When you opened your eyes again, those tears you were trying so hard to hold back started to silently fall, and he wanted to cry himself. “Warning you… it’s not much, and it’s probably more a selfish act than anything else, but I had to do it. I had to… had to see you. Because I miss you, Chris, fuck… I miss you so much it hurts more than any blow Chan has ever landed on me”.

Chris was doomed. He was weak, and in love, and he was absolutely doomed.

His brain shut down completely. He knew it the moment he felt his lips on yours, the moment your fingers tangled in his hair and the quietest moan escaped your mouth. 

The kiss was messy and desperate, he couldn’t seem to be able to be any closer to you, and yet he still tried. He held your waist tightly, like you would vanish if he didn’t. He pressed you further against the wall, dizzy with the violent stir of his feelings, with the feel of your tongue against his own and your yearning kiss.

At that moment, the fact that he was Chan, bodyguard of Kim Seungmin, didn’t matter. The fact that you were the Wraith, an assassin that had been hired to harm the person he was supposed to protect, didn’t matter, either. All that mattered was that he was Chris, that you were you, and that he’d missed you and that he needed you.

When he pulled back from the kiss, panting slightly, the sight of you, all flustered, breathless, of your blown pupils, was enough for his walls to crumble. That look in your eyes was unmistakable to him, it set his insides alight and sent his mind into overdrive.

“Come with me”, without hesitation, Chris took your hand and tugged you along the corridor.

He vaguely recalled taking his communicator and calling Jeongin to ask him to continue covering for him as there was something he needed to attend to, just like he vaguely recalled the younger man telling him he had it covered. The only thing he could register for sure was the tight hold of your hand in his, and the moan that came out of your lips when he pushed you into one of the supply closets and kissed you again.

Chris blindly reached for the lightswitch before he pushed you against the closest wall. One of your legs wrapped around his hip to pull him closer to you, and he immediately took a hold of your thigh to keep you securely in place.

“Have you… been with anyone after…” You started to ask, your words broken between desperate presses of lips and tugs of teeth.

How absurd. As if he could have. As if he would’ve ever even wanted that in the first place… Regardless, even with the hazy state of his mind, he knew exactly why you were asking, so he shook his head. “Have you?”

You shook your head as well, further pulling on his hair so your lips wouldn’t detach from his. Although there was a part of him that kind of expected you to not have been with anyone, it still made him feel relieved. It made him feel… hopeful.

What a dangerous emotion to feel.

Letting go of your thigh so he could free his hands, your leg fell to the floor while Chris unbuttoned his gloves. “Are you still on birth control?”

“Yes”, your reply came immediately, eagerly, and his mind just fogged up further.

“Good”, he pulled his gloves off and dropped them somewhere on the floor.

With a tight hold on your hips, he flipped you around and pulled your hips back a bit towards him, so your ass could be flush with his crotch. Chris kept kissing your cheek, your neck, any bit of exposed skin he could, just as you ground your backside against his growing erection, while he frantically fumbled with your belt buckle and the buttons of your trousers.

“How many fucking buttons does this thing have?” Chris mumbled against your skin, quickly popping open what seemed like hundreds of studs. “How impractical…”

“Looks better than a zipper–Oh!” 

Chris pushed your bottoms down as soon as he’d popped open the very last button, just enough to expose the delectable flesh of your ass to his hungry eyes. He wanted to smack the luscious fat so badly, but even in his desperate state, he knew it was a really, really bad idea, so he settled for holding one of your buttocks tightly with one hand, while he brought the other close to your face.

“Open up, bun”, your lips parted as soon as he’d asked you to, and he quickly pushed two fingers inside your mouth.

A moan muffled against his digits when you sucked on them, and Chris could almost start feeling his head spin with arousal. God, your mouth… He’d always known it’d be the death of him one day…

“That’s it, baby. Make sure you get them drenched”, after letting go of your buttock, he hastily unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned his trousers, and pushed the zipper down so he could reach inside his underwear and finally free himself. 

The air was cool against his heated flesh, especially at the tip where pre-cum had started to leak. He pumped himself a couple of times, it was nowhere near as satisfactory as he knew your cunt would be, but it was certainly a pleasant warm-up.

As soon as he removed his fingers from your mouth, he brought them to your centre, where he made sure to coat his fingers in your essence to spread it all around your opening before he finally stuffed those two digits into you. You bit your lip to muffle the noises threatening to escape your throat, leaning your forehead against the wall as Chris tried his best to prep you in such an unfortunate setting.

“Tell me if it hurts. Hm? You know you can tell me, right?” Chris whispered in your ear, and you immediately nodded in response.

“Just… Fuck, just get inside, baby, please”, how could he stall any further when you sounded so eager and desperate for him, in the same way that he was for you? When you called him ‘baby’?

So he pulled his fingers out, making you whine at the loss of contact. It didn’t last long, though, because he stepped closer almost immediately after. He spat on his hand, and smeared his saliva all over his length before he lined himself with your entrance.

As he started to push in, he brought his free hand to your front, finding your clit with expert ease, rubbing slow circles on it to hopefully aid his intrusion. There was a whine, a quiet one, and Chris hushed you, kissing your cheek. 

“It’s okay, baby. You’re doing well, so well. Remember to tell me if it’s too much…” He mumbled. It was almost funny how quickly he got into his role, he was so used to treating you like this, to checking in on you, that not even the place you were in, or the outfits you were wearing could stop him from doing it. All he got from you was a nod, a sigh that vaguely sounded like his name, and a push of your hips. “Impatient, bun? Hungry for my cock, are you, baby?”

You nodded, pushing back as much as you could to get him all the way in, making him hiss. “I am. I fucking am. Need you to fuck me, and I need it now, Christopher”. 

“Fuck…” It was an awkward angle, but he needed to kiss you. There was hardly anything he enjoyed more than kissing you while he was balls deep inside your warmth. Every push of his tongue, every bite on his lips, everything made it so your walls continuously clamped around him, all of it combined made him delirious, and even more so when he finally started to move.

Chris was trying his best to go slow, his mind was hazy with lust and need and want, but he still wanted to make sure he didn’t hurt you. You, however, weren’t making it easy. You pushed back to sharply meet his calculated thrusts, and all he could do was match your pace, until the only noise in the room were the contained groans and moans and the obnoxious clattering of metal as both of your belt buckles swayed with your movements.

His fingers sped up, and very quickly, the obscene sounds produced when your bodies met joined the messy symphony playing all around you. Your grip on his hair was tight, the way your moans were catching in your throat was getting him impatient, he wanted to hear you properly, he wasn’t used to you holding back, and the sudden increased speed of his motions felt like it was his subconscious desperately trying to pull all those delicious sounds out of you.

He was talking. He knew he was talking, but he could barely hear what he was mumbling to you, all he knew was that, whatever it was, it had you whining quietly, meeting his thrusts harder, mumbling things back to him. 

Chris wanted to feel more of you, as much as he could, so he pulled his vest up, and took the hem between his teeth. He couldn’t talk like this, but he figured it was a small price to pay so he could feel your bottom freely bounce off his skin. Returning his hand to your hip, he held your soft flesh tightly, relishing the way the flesh dipped under his grip.

“C–Chris… Gonna–gonna come…” Your fingers flexed against the wall in what looked like a futile attempt to get a hold of something, to keep yourself grounded.

He wanted to tell you to come. Hell, he needed you to come around his cock right now or he would die, he was sure. But he couldn’t speak with the stupid fabric in his mouth, so he simply fucked you harder, faster, diligently rubbing that sensitive nub between your legs in that way he’d learnt to do throughout your numerous intimate encounters since the very beginning of your relationship.

Your relationship…

Were you two still in a relationship?

In all honesty, right then, with your presence consuming him, he hoped you were. 

The sight of you biting your fist to keep your moans contained, coupled with the feel of your warmth fluttering around his length as a result of your orgasm, made him lightheaded. His pace didn’t relent, though. He fucked you through it, just how he knew you liked it, while you did your best to weakly keep meeting his movements.

His lower abdomen tightened, he could feel his own climax nearing increasingly fast, and God, if he wanted that feeling to wash over him right the fuck now… 

He finally let go of the hem of his vest so he could speak. “Where–Shit… Where do you want it, pretty?”

At this point he would come anywhere, in you, on you, out of you… But he needed to do what you wanted, and what you wanted became painfully clear to him when you hastily removed one of your gloves, pushed him away from you a bit, and dropped to your knees.

Oh, how he’d missed the feel of your hand on him, and the squelching sounds it made when you jerked him off while he was still covered in your juices. You held him with that perfect pressure that you’d learnt to use all those months ago, looking up at him with dark eyes and your moist lips slightly parted as you still tried to catch your breath.

“Look at you, fuck–!” Chris threw his head back the moment you took him in your mouth, getting in as much of him as you could while gently squeezing his balls.

You hummed around his length, trying to get his attention, so Chris opened his eyes again, finding that look in your eyes that always got him close, the one that begged him to move. So he did, placing a hand on your head and shallowly thrusting into your mouth to complement your own movement.

“Fuck, bun… Gonna blow, shit–”

It was his turn now to bite his fist to contain his desperate noises. Three months of tension seemed to evaporate from his body when he found his release. He could only feel the tingles of pleasure shooting to every one of his limbs as your lips dragged around his cock, as you hummed and moaned in your own bliss.

His legs felt like they were going to give out, his arms felt like jelly, and his brain was void of anything other than you and your devious mouth. For a second, Chris wondered if you were going to try to overstimulate him, but you didn’t. You simply got your mouth off of him to lick the remnants of his cum that beaded at the tip.

Before he could even think about it, he was already helping you to your feet. Cupping your cheeks, he kissed you. Slowly, deeply, getting the combined taste of him and you from your lips and your tongue.

Your arms wrapped around his waist, and Chris wrapped his around your neck as he waddled forward to press you against the wall again. Partially because he enjoyed the feeling of it, partially because he felt like his legs were really going to give out, and the wall certainly provided much needed support.

As his kiss slowed into simple pecks of his lips on yours–and yours on his–the haze that seemed to have clouded every single one of his senses started to clear up.

In what was quite possibly the worst case of post-nut clarity he’d ever experienced, it started to dawn on him just how stupid and reckless this was. He shouldn’t have brought you in here, the longer you stayed within this estate the more at risk you both were.

You seemed to be coming to the same realisation, because the gentle pecks of your lips on his stopped, and you pulled back to look him in the eyes, nervously chewing on your bottom lip. Your arms unravelled from around his waist, only for your hands to rest on it. “Chris…”

He closed his eyes and sighed, resting his forehead against yours. “I know…”

Stupid. You wanted to tell him this was stupid, he didn’t need you to say it to know.

Pressing lingering kisses on your cheek, he pulled up your trousers, and started fastening the trillion buttons, just as you did the same to him. You gently buckled his belt, and it was now your turn to start pressing kisses on his cheek, just as he finished with your belt-buckle.

His heart felt as if it was both swelling with love and being harshly squeezed with agony. 

What was this? What did this mean for you two now? He couldn’t undo the past, what he’d done, what you’d done… It was going to have repercussions, ones he didn’t even want to think about right now.

When he took a step back from your space to finish fixing his clothes, he watched you as you did the same.

“Need to get you out of here”, Chris mumbled, trying to fix the mess his hair had become from your continuous pulling and his own sweat–all that time straightening it this morning for nothing… “You’ve been here for way too long”.

“I can get out. That’s no problem”, you sounded confident in your statement, and, honestly, based on what he’d seen the Wraith do, he wouldn’t really be surprised if it truly was no problem for you to sneak in and out… Good for you, but bad for their security system, he figured…

There was a moment of deafening silence, a moment of you looking into his eyes and Chris looking into yours. Dragging his fingers through his hair, he sighed.

“We need to talk about this. But not now, not here in these… circumstances”.

“I agree”, you replied simply, picking up your glove from the floor and grimacing when you put it on your still sticky hand.

Chris reached for his own gloves he’d haphazardly dropped on the floor earlier, and tucked them in his back pocket before he opened the door and looked out the corridor to make sure no one was there.

Coast clear, so he turned back to look at you. “If… If you want, I’m free tomorrow evening. You could… drop by. After eight, preferably”.

You took a deep breath. It took you a moment to do anything, but when you did, you moved into his space, placing a hand on his chest and the other on the nape of his neck. You leaned in, and pressed a lingering kiss on his cheek.

“After eight”, you confirmed, and it was honestly pathetic how fast his heart started to beat when he heard those two words.

After offering him one last, small smile, you finally removed yourself from his space. Pulling the kerchief back over the lower part of your face, you went through the door and eventually disappeared somewhere by the end of the corridor.

This was completely crazy, insane, and the fact that you were still pretty much considered an enemy in his circle should’ve filled him with anxiety. He’d just had sex with you, after knowing who you were and what you’d tried to do…

And yet, oddly enough, he could only feel relaxed. Like he had finally breached the surface after swimming underwater for too long.

Seven forty-five in the evening.

Chris had arrived home two hours ago and had done nothing but try to get his flat to look presentable.

When was the last time he slept here? Probably a few weeks ago… It was hard to be in his flat when everything reminded him of you. After all, he’d mostly stayed here when you did.

He honestly hadn’t spent as much time in this flat as he did after he started a relationship with you. He’d been living here for around three months before he went on that date with you. He used to only come here to sleep on his days off, and even those days he tried to spend them out of the flat as much as possible.

After he met you, though, every day off he had he either invited you over, or went to your place. Week by week, the place started filling up with your stuff as well as his. Things you left behind, things you brought on purpose, things he himself placed there, like that one picture you’d asked a stranger to take of you two by the lake in the park… The place was filled with your presence, and being here, on his own, only reminded him of that night in the theatre, of the fact that you weren’t here and what he’d done to you.

Thankfully, the place wasn’t too bad, it was mostly just dusty. Chris didn’t bother hiding anything of yours that was still on display. There was no point in that when his feelings were more than obvious after what happened last night.

So, fifteen minutes before the agreed time, his flat was clean, his hair was damp from the shower he’d just gotten out of, and food had been ordered. He was starving, and, since you had a tendency to not eat dinner because you got too overwhelmed sometimes, he figured ordering for you as well wouldn’t be too risky of a move. Worst case scenario, he’d just have extra left-overs tomorrow…

Seven fifty-two.

Chris looked at himself in his bathroom mirror. His hair was already starting to curl, there was a bit of a flush on his skin still from the hot shower, and he was second-guessing his outfit choice.

A cropped top he’d cut himself out of an old, oversized band t-shirt he’d thrifted, and shorts… Was it too casual? He hadn’t really thought much about what to wear, he had grabbed these on auto-pilot. Whenever you came over, it was usually just to relax and spend some time together, so it was a no-brainer for him to wear these two garments.

That was before, though… What if you came to his door looking like a goddess, all dressed up and he was like this? Would it matter? Would you mind? Three months ago, you wouldn’t have, but three months ago you were still together. Maybe things would be different now…

Seven fifty-eight.

What if you didn’t come? You did say ‘After eight’ before you left the Kim estate yesterday, but what if you changed your mind? It was a complicated situation, after all. Maybe too complicated. Why did he even invite you over? It would’ve probably been best to just meet at a café or a neutral place, why did he even suggest his home for this?

And, most importantly, what did he want from this encounter? Chris hadn’t even thought about it, and, honestly, he kind of didn’t want to think about it. He’d asked you yesterday to come here because he figured talking about whatever the fuck was going on would be the only way to get answers, to get this heavy feeling in his chest to go away, but he hadn’t thought ahead.

You were a mercenary that had tried to hurt Seungmin numerous times, he was risking everything by keeping quiet about your identity, by asking you to come here even knowing who you were. So why? Why would he do this?

The doorbell startled him.

Slightly panicked, he ruffled his hair and looked at himself in the mirror–admittedly, he’d been standing there the whole time, but he wasn’t really looking at anything…

It was too late now for an outfit change, too late to back down from this insanity he himself had started. So, he bolted to the door, and his heart almost leaped out of his chest when he looked through the peephole.

Once Chris opened the door, and came face to face with you, dressed in your comfy clothes, still pretty much looking like a goddess regardless of your outfit, he remembered the reason why he was risking it all. 

Because you made his heart rate spike. You made him feel again. After years of having seemingly nothing but a hole where his heart should’ve been, you had managed to defrost his insides with your warmth. 

“Hey…” You fiddled with the straps of the backpack you always brought along with you, shifting your weight from one foot to the other right where you stood.

“Hey”, Chris wasn’t really sure what to say, he just looked at you for a moment, and you looked right back at him.

Silence enveloped you two. You wouldn’t move, save for your fiddling, just like he wouldn’t, he remained frozen on the spot with the doorknob in his hand. Normally, he would’ve kissed you to greet you, but… should he do that? Was it appropriate? You did fuck last night, but that was a heat of the moment thing… Maybe you wouldn’t want him to kiss you at all.

He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything, the delivery guy popped up right behind you, startling the both of you. So Chris just asked you to come in, and quickly got his card from his wallet that he had discarded by the kitchen counter earlier to pay for the food.

“Have you eaten? I ordered some for you just in case…” Chris asked as soon as the guy was gone, just as he placed the food on the counter.

“No, I haven’t”, you replied simply, finally putting your backpack down on one of the chairs. “What’d you order?”

“Cantonese…” Chris didn’t look at you as he took the containers out of the bag, nor did he acknowledge the quiet ‘Oh…’ that came out of your mouth in response. “Wanna eat on the coffee table?”

“Of course”, you said it like it was an obvious thing, and, honestly, it kind of was. Whenever you both met for dinner, especially when it involved your favourite food, you’d always eat at the coffee table, why would it be any different this time? Not like three months had passed since you last spoke or anything…

While Chris brought the containers with food to the table, you got a couple of plates, two glasses, and the necessary cutlery. By the time you were at the table yourself, he had already gone to the fridge and taken the pineapple juice you both liked.

It was all so… normal. Normal, but like things had been placed slightly to the left. The motions were the same, the same routine you had as a couple, but there was something odd lingering between you two, and Chris figured it made sense, all things considered.

When he finally sat down next to you on the floor, with his back against the sofa, you were already serving the food. Chris busied himself pouring the juice, and in no time, you both had started eating. 

It was silent for a while. Well, save for the murmurs coming from the television after you had switched it on for some background noise. Reality was seemingly looming over your heads, or, at least, that was how it felt to Chris. Yet, none of you said anything, you both just ate your food.

It almost felt like an eternity, honestly–even though it’d been probably just shy of ten minutes since you sat down to eat. But, eventually, you took a deep breath, swallowed the food in your mouth, and finally spoke, reaching for your glass of juice.

“I’m sorry this is so awkward… I just don’t know what to say”, you took a sip of your drink, finally looking at him.

Immediately, Chris’ shoulders slumped, and he placed his plate on the table before he turned his body towards you. With an arm on the sofa, he propped his head on his hand while he looked at you. “Me neither, honestly”.

You took a deep breath, chewing your food slowly, deep in thought.

“I’m… I’m gonna be fully honest. I’m tired of secrets. Sick of ‘em. And I feel like you deserve better than that”, you placed your plate on the coffee table as well, and took a napkin to wipe your hands. “I’ll just… I’ll start from the beginning, okay?” 

Chris swallowed, nodding to let you know he was listening.

“It started with my dad…” You wouldn’t look at Chris, you just placed your arms on your bent knees and fixed your gaze on the table. “He joined the Guild when he was a teenager. It was tradition in his family, you see? His mum had been a member for years, so she taught him everything she knew. Eventually, he made a name for himself, and he actually managed to get quite high in the ranks… But then he met my mum”.

You took a deep breath, leaning your head back against the sofa, staring at the ceiling. “He fell deeply in love with her. To the point where he realised he wanted to have a peaceful life, so he retired and did just that. Certified himself as a PE teacher, of all things, and then they had me”.

“Problem was… my mum isn’t exactly a good woman. She wasn’t good to him, or me. When I was still a child, she took everything my dad had and left us both, ran away with some guy she’d met… She’s still with him, last I heard. Good for her, I guess”, you chuckled, a chuckle that lacked any semblance of humour. “After she left, my dad just… he went through a deep, deep depression, lost his job, we could barely make ends meet… That was when he decided to return to the Guild, and, of course, like his mum had done to him, he brought me along…”.

You spoke a lot from then on. How you were taught to fight, how your father passed on to you his stealth technique, which was your signature trait to this day, how many people you’d had to kill, kidnap, or extort. You kept a tally, apparently, which in Chris’ experience wasn’t an uncommon thing to do. He himself kept records of his own milestones, as gruesome as that might sound to some people. It always helped put things into perspective, in a way.

“Seungmin… He was just another target. I wasn’t even going to kill him. I try not to kill when I can. It’s too messy… But, I must admit, at some point I was trying to kill Chan”, you finally turned to look at him, and the pained look in your eyes must’ve been a perfect match to his own. “In all honesty, I’m glad I failed. You’re really good at what you do, you know? If you hadn’t been, I would’ve succeeded, and being honest, I don’t think I would’ve been able to continue going on with my life if I had killed the man I love”.

The man I love…

There you were again, using present tense. Was it stupid of him to feel hopeful about that?

Maybe it was.

Before Chris could say anything, though, you looked away again, straightening your head to reach for your plate of food. “What I told you last night… Dropping the job, in the eyes of the Guild, is a sign of weakness. We are supposed to carry out our tasks or die trying. The fact that it took me so long to do what I was hired to do, and the fact that I essentially gave up, it’s all enough for them to consider me a burden, so I’ll have to either prove my worth again, or they’ll just get rid of me”.

You said it so nonchalantly, like you had accepted this as your fate. And Chris honestly hated it.

“How long do you have to prove it?” He couldn’t help but ask.

You shrugged. “It’s hard to say. I could either be given a super hard task soon, or they could’ve already decided I’m no longer worth their time and just try to kill me. I need to be wary now. You’ve got no idea all the trouble I had to go through just to make sure no one was following me when I was coming here”.

As the guard of Kim Seungmin, as Chan, there was a small spark of pride at the fact that he had managed to stop anyone from doing harm to Seungmin. But, as your boyfriend–ex-boyfriend…?–as Chris, there was also guilt pooling in his gut at the fact that you were now being targeted by your own people because of him.

How fucking convoluted this all was…

You remained silent after that, just slowly putting food into your mouth, chewing leisurely. Chris knew you were waiting for him to speak. You had bared your past to him, and it was now his turn to do the same. 

It wasn’t like he didn’t want to speak, he wanted to do it, he’d wanted to do it for months, way before the theatre situation, way before the Wraith came into his life, back when it was just you and him. But, even though the fact that he’d tried to kill you didn’t seem to have fully pushed you away from him, he was sure that what he was going to reveal to you now could potentially do so. As odd as that might sound…

Chris figured it was now or never. Everything was already complicated, the future of you two was already murky enough, so he took a deep breath, closing his eyes briefly only to finally open them again when he started to speak.

“You remember I told you… about my brother and sister, right?” 

You nodded, focusing your entire attention on him.

Chris hadn’t disclosed much of his family or career to you, but he had told you about his siblings. Not in detail, but you were important enough to him that he wanted you to know, especially when sometimes he’d get texts or calls from either of them and he didn’t want you to get the wrong impression when you saw their contact names with hearts and random emojis next to them.

“We didn’t really… have much. Our father abandoned us right after my brother was born. He left my mum on her own to raise three children, one that wasn’t even a month old, while she was still recovering from her difficult pregnancy…” The memory always made him angry, his father embodied everything he ever hated in this world, and whenever Chris thought of him, he had to make the conscious effort to not give into this need of looking for him and give him the beating of his life, preferably kill him if he could… 

Chris shook his head, trying to once again ignore the thought altogether. “Anyway, mum worked really hard to keep us three fed and to give us proper education. She really did her best, and even if we didn’t have much we were at least somewhat pushing through. But…”

It was always hard to talk about these things. Chris hardly ever allowed himself to think of this period of his life. He much preferred to remember his mother as the loving, hardworking woman he knew her to be, but he wanted to tell you this, he needed you to know the whole context, so he kept talking.

“She was sick. We didn’t really know, one day she was seemingly fine and the next she was in a hospital bed, telling me it would all be fine…” It wasn’t fine, clearly. His mother had always been overly optimistic, and even back then he knew this was just her holding onto the foolish hope that she’d make it.

She didn’t.

The very next day, she had passed away, and Chris and his siblings had been entrusted to their uncle.

“It was all so sudden… Very quickly, we realised our uncle just wasn’t a good man. I put myself as the shield between him and my siblings, but even that wasn’t enough. I had to find a way for us to leave, I couldn’t just let my brother and sister live with this guy, it wasn’t safe”, Chris tapped his fingers on his thigh, looking at the only picture of him and his younger siblings he had placed on one of the shelves close to the television.

After a few moments of silence to gather his thoughts, he took a deep breath and started talking again. “I was sixteen, what can a sixteen year old boy do? It was so frustrating, and I was incredibly desperate, so I…” Fuck, this was much harder than he expected it to be, but he swallowed regardless, pushing away the little voice in the back of his mind that urged him to shut up. “Back then, all I had was my charm and my body, you know? So I used just that”.

There were a lot of cruel, disgusting people in this world. People that didn’t even stop to ask how old he was, people who could clearly tell how old he was but weren’t put off by it–on the contrary, those were usually turned on by that fact.

For many years, Chris sold himself to other people. He became whoever they wanted him to become for a few hours, and eventually got himself enough regulars to financially support his siblings and himself. He managed to keep the three of them well fed and studying. 

Only problem was, the psychological toll such a profession took on him was almost immeasurable. It was hard to remain empathetic towards other people when he’d had to constantly experience physical and emotional abuse, when he had to do things he just didn’t want to do every single night. But he had to. For the sake of his siblings and himself, he just had to.

You didn’t seem at all surprised by what Chris was telling you, but he could see the look of disgust on your face. Knowing you, his logical mind told him it had all to do with his clients, with the situation, not with himself. But, there was a small part of him–a very self-destructive part of him–that was sure you’d be disgusted at him. After all, you’d been physically involved with someone who was nothing but a whore for a good chunk of his life, with no knowledge of the fact.

Chris swallowed. His mouth was suddenly dry after telling you all this, so he reached for his glass of juice and drank some to quench that nervous thirst. All while you looked at him, clearly deep in your thoughts.

“Mmm… So that’s why you’d been so insistent on me getting that STD test when we were talking about dropping condoms… Why you were so sure you were clean yourself”, you said simply, just as he was placing his glass back on the table. “Not gonna lie, I found it odd back then, considering most guys don’t really think about that stuff, they just want to get it wet”.

“Yep. I always made sure to be careful and keep that in check. I couldn’t afford to catch something dangerous. Who would take care of my brother and sister then?”

You hummed in understanding, but you didn’t really say anything else, and suddenly looking at your face was too much…

“Honestly, I almost never had unprotected sex with any of my clients, but whenever I did, I was super insistent on this, and old habits die hard, I suppose…” Chris picked at some loose threads of the rug under the coffee table, and he swallowed, avoiding your eyes before he braced himself for what he was about to say. “I’m… By the time I met you, I was no longer an escort, obviously. But you… That night with you after our first date was the first time I was able to actually enjoy sex in a long, long time. It was all just so… intimate. The fact that sex could feel like that… I don’t know, it absolutely blew my mind”.

Chris went silent after that. His fidgeting increased considerably, and very quickly, he realised he was nervous. Even before the whole theatre situation, he’d always been more scared to tell you about this part of his past than his current job. He’d always considered telling you about the Kims, about what he did, but whenever he thought about telling you what he used to do for a living, his mind would always convince him you’d just see him differently, and losing you was something he just couldn’t afford.

Maybe it was silly of him, considering killing people for a living was probably way more morally incorrect than having sex for money, but unlike the former, the latter was something he never truly found pride in. On the contrary, he was ashamed of it.

All of a sudden, Chris felt your hand on his knee, and his eyes immediately zeroed in on the movement of your thumb against his skin. It wasn’t until you muttered a soft ‘Hey…’ that he finally pulled his eyes away to look at you instead.

“I hope you know I don’t… I don’t think any differently of you because of your past. You did what you had to do to survive, and that’s completely respectable”, you squeezed his knee a bit, almost reassuringly, and for a moment, Chris feared he was going to cry. “Even knowing what you do now… I get it. I truly do. I’m totally no one to judge, all things considered”.

Once again, you’d shown him why he had fallen in love with you in the first place. And, once again, he couldn’t help but feel that the world was just so unfair.

Out of all people in this whole wide world, why did it have to be you under the kerchief that night…

Chris took a deep breath, looking away from your face to your hand on his knee. Warm, familiar… Your touch seemed to shoot straight to his heart. Without thinking much about it, he placed his hand on top of yours, and held it firmly, as if you would disappear if he let go.

He wanted to tell you more. He didn’t just want to leave it at that, he wanted you to know everything, he needed you to know. So, after a few moments of silence, he started talking again.

“How I transitioned from what I did to working with the Kims was a very circumstantial thing… Turns out one of my clients had business with them. Problem was, he was trying to scam them, which, in retrospect, was very stupid on his part”, he had found himself tangled in this guy’s mess, he was setting Chris up to take the blame, and as soon as he realised that, he immediately ratted the guy out to the Kims.

In doing so, they had offered him not only protection, but also a different career path. 

“They found me a mentor, trained me, all while I was still pretending to be this guy’s fucktoy. And, eventually, when the Kims got what they wanted from him, I got to kill him”, even as he said it, Chris knew a normal person would’ve felt some remorse when telling this story. But he didn’t.

Very quickly after that, he realised that killing, torturing people, deceiving them, were much more dignified ways of using his body and his skills, which was exactly what he told you.

“To me, it feels like the Kims gave me my individuality back. I do what I do because I like it, because I am grateful for what the Kims did for me, and because I feel proud of it, as twisted as that might sound…” Somehow, Chris knew you would understand the feeling, considering what you did for a living yourself. “I’m able to provide for my brother and sister by doing something I can find pride in. I love my team, they’re like family to me as well, but I suppose all these things I learnt throughout the years ended up making me a bit… cold”.

“Oh, I know all about that…” You mumbled, with a small smile on your lips.

Chris chuckled at that, maybe a bit incredulously.

He looked at your face in silence for a moment. There was no judgement in your eyes, and the soft caresses of your thumb on his hand had his heart fluttering in his chest.

“Seriously, though…” Chris said after a while. “When you appeared in my life, I was reminded of how it was like to feel normal. I feel like I’m a bit more human”.

“It’s a very mutual feeling, you know?”

Chris remained silent, looking at you, until your words registered fully, and he offered you a nod. Somehow, what you said had heat pooling on his cheeks, and he looked away from your face to stare at your joined hands.

“I was even… Before it all went down, I was genuinely considering retirement”, taking a deep breath, you brought your free hand to hold his hand between your palms. “I should’ve told you what I did for a living. Maybe this whole thing could’ve been avoided if I had, but I was afraid you’d just… leave”.

“I wouldn’t have”, Chris replied before he could think twice about it, but with the words out there, he realised he meant them. How could he leave? You were just like him, after all.

“I know that now”, your hands were so warm, so familiar… 

“Come here…” Wrapping an arm around your waist, and taking a hold of your thigh, Chris guided your body to move, until you settled on his lap. 

Your hands immediately found his face, just as his arms wrapped around your waist. You looked him in the eyes, in a way that made him feel exposed, like you were reaching deep within his mind and soul. He realised then that he wanted to be exposed. He didn’t want any more secrets or half-truths, you were already his weak spot, so might as well let you fully in. 

“You’re so handsome”, you said all of a sudden, with a bright smile on your lips, and Chris immediately chuckled, looking away and shaking his head. “Don’t laugh! You are”. 

“You want me to blush? ‘Cause it’s working, baby”, Chris tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. With the same motion, he found your earlobe, and he caressed the skin while his other arm was firmly around your waist. 

“Maybe I do want that. It’s my only ulterior motive”, you chuckled, tracing patterns on his cheeks with your thumbs.

“Mmm… Is that so?” Chris supposed this was your way of confirming to him that you, in fact, didn’t have any ulterior motive. He also supposed he could do nothing else but believe you, to trust you.

“Mm”, you leaned in, leaving a tender kiss on his forehead before you pulled back to look him in the eyes again. “It is”.

The warmth of your palms, the soft drag of your thumbs on Chris’ skin, your weight on his lap… All combined had Chris closing his eyes, it had him leaning into your touch, and even questioning if this was a real thing that was happening, if you were truly there. You were. Logically, he knew you were, but it was hard for his brain to catch up with the fact after spending so long doing nothing but yearning for you.

There was a sigh, a sound of relief that further anchored Chris to reality when it came out of your mouth. 

“You, too, make me feel alive. These past couple of months… I’ve just missed you so, so much, Christopher”, your voice was so quiet, it was steady, but Chris could’ve sworn he felt your hold tremble on his face. He didn’t dare open his eyes, just took a deep breath and brought one of his hands to lay on top of one of yours on his face. “I know it’s… weird. All of this. It’s weird and complicated and there’s a lot we’d have to work on, but I… I don’t want to lose you. I can’t”.

Chris could feel your words reach deep within him. They might’ve sparked some doubts, maybe even a bit of anxiety at the prospect of facing the results of both of your actions, but… they also warmed him up from the inside out. 

He figured that, if there had ever been anything worth protecting, what you both had was one of those things, no matter how difficult it could be. And right then, when he finally opened his eyes and looked at your face, he wholeheartedly believed it was possible.

Swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, Chris nodded. With a hand on the back of your head, he pulled you closer to him, close so he could press his lips to yours, and the soft whimper that escaped your mouth was enough to make him want to cry right then and there.

Your hands left his face so you could wrap your arms around his neck. With his arms around your waist, he pulled you further into his lap, chest against chest sharing one breath. Your words kept resonating in his ears ‘missed you so, so much…’ Added to the feel of your tongue against his own, to your hand playing with his hair, he was sure his heart was about to burst.

You kissed for a while. Slowly savouring the feel of one another, almost like you both wanted to catch up on all those kisses missed in the past three months. Quiet moans slipped between your lips, his hands roamed your back, confirming that this was, in fact, very real. Even more so when your hips started to roll, grinding against him when his hands settled to squeeze your backside and your thighs.

“Missed you, too”, Chris breathlessly mumbled against your lips, taking a tight hold of your hips to guide your movement. You just nodded and kept kissing him, more frantically this time, and all he could do was match your pace, in hopes to convey just how much he had truly missed you.

His mind fogged up. There was nothing but you, and you, and you… He didn’t want for there to be anything else. Before he knew it, articles of clothing started to be removed and dropped on the sofa behind him, until skin was touching skin and even the minimal distance between your bodies felt like it was just too much. 

Chris needed you closer, as close as you possibly could be, and in his haze, he’d found himself kissing down your body while you laid on his rug. Slowly, he left kisses on your cheek, your neck, between your breasts–where he took a brief pause just so he could be smothered by them for a bit before he continued his path…

With your legs over his shoulders, with his mouth at the apex of your thighs, Chris couldn’t help but groan at the familiar, undeniable taste of you. Oh, how he’d missed this, too… Your hand gripping his hair, and his own roaming the softest areas of your body while he got to drink you up, was absolutely how he’d been dreaming to be, especially when you started making the prettiest noises, those that made his chest swell with pride and satisfaction.

He supposed it was more than fair. You’d gotten your taste of him last night, and it was now his turn.

Your words of encouragement, your sighs of his name, and the quiet sounds coming out of your mouth made his head spin. How had he even survived all these weeks without this? Without you? 

As he fixated on gently sucking on that sensitive nub between your legs, as your thighs started to shake a bit around his head, Chris just felt lucky. As unfortunate as this whole thing had been, he had to cherish this second chance. There was a lot to talk about, a lot more truths to tell to each other, but all that could wait. Until later or tomorrow or the day after… It could all wait.

Right now, all that mattered was to feel. 

For him to feel you, for you to feel him, and for both to just satiate the burning need for each other.

Getting you to come with just his mouth and his fingers was certainly one of his favourite things in this world. Hearing you gasp and moan his name made him lightheaded, filled him to the brim with arousal and love… Especially so when your legs trapped him right there, when he got to pin you down by the hips so you couldn’t pull away from him while he continued to drink up your essence.

Your body slumped a bit when Chris finally found his way up your body. As soon as he was within reach, you simply pulled him down to you with a firm grip on his hair, sealing your mouths in a slow kiss, uncaring of your taste on his tongue, his lips, or even his chin when you started to leave kisses all over his face.

Chris gave you time to catch your breath. However, when he told you he was doing just that, in that teasing tone that he knew would just rile you up, you just chuckled and told him it was difficult to do so when his lips so deliciously gave attention to your neck.

“What? Want me to stop?” He couldn’t help but chuckle as well, leaving lingering kisses on your skin.

“As if”, was all you mumbled back when you hugged him close and buried your hand in his hair to keep him right there.

After a couple of minutes where Chris just got to place his lips on every centimetre of skin they could find, you pulled him by his hair in that enticing way you always did, and brought him close to you once again, muttering his absolute favourite combination of words you could ever say.

“Fuck me”.

Gladly. 

Chris was hard, leaking pre-cum, needy in ways that only you had ever made him feel. There was not an ounce of restraint in his body tonight, no wish to tease or delay the inevitable. There’d be time for that in the future. Or so he hoped.

So when he finally pushed himself into your sopping warmth, when he started that slow, but precise pace of his hips that he knew you enjoyed so much, he was dead set on diving fully into it, into you. Just like he’d done countless times prior to that night in the theatre.

“I love you”, Chris mumbled in your ear, and even before he said it, he had already started to feel his eyes water.

“I love you”, you mumbled back, further digging your nails on his back, tightening the hold of your legs around his torso. “With my whole heart”.

Your words coming out as a shaky whisper were enough to shatter the remaining protective layer around his heart. He could feel himself tremble, and even though he saw the tears running down your cheeks when he kissed you again, he hadn’t really needed to do it to know they were there. Just like he was sure you hadn’t needed to see his to know, too.

Chris had almost forgotten how it was like to sleep with you–in the literal sense of the word.

Your warmth, the way you clung to him sometimes in the middle of the night, how you’d wake him up when he was about to choke on his spit… It was all so, so familiar, it was comforting, and last night, even if you both had gone to sleep late after a couple more mind-numbing orgasms, after finishing your food, and after even more cuddles and deep emotional talks, this had probably been the best he’d slept in weeks.

Which was why, when he turned to drape an arm around your waist because he just needed to pull you closer to him, he almost got whiplash from the feeling of the cold sheets under his hand.

Chris’ eyes snapped open to find your side of the bed empty. Why was it so cold? Had you just left? When did you leave? Had you woken up today filled with regret? Had you decided that trying to work things out was actually too complicated and not worth your time?

Chris’ heart was beating fast in his chest, and just before he flung himself from the bed in a panic to see if the things you brought last night were still in the flat, he heard a sound. It was quiet, but he definitely heard it, and that feeling of panic was quickly changing to one of dangerous hope.

He didn’t even bother putting clothes on, just stood up and walked all the way to his bedroom’s door. As soon as it was opened, he could hear things more clearly. 

Music.

Very low, but it was certainly playing somewhere down the hall.

He could hear the sound of a spatula against metal, as well as the crackling of oil, and the unmistakable hum of the airfryer.

“Morning, sleepy bear”, you said as he stepped into the kitchen, not even turning to look at him. Chris had light steps, but he supposed it made sense that you of all people were more than capable of hearing him walking closer. “M’making some eggs and bacon”.

Chris couldn’t help the small smile that came to his lips. He walked into your space, and wrapped his arms around your waist to hug you from behind. “So, the only things that were in the fridge”.

“Basically. You should really go grocery shopping. How are you gonna have energy for work if you don’t eat proper meals, hm? Who’s gonna protect Seungmin then?” There was a hint of a smile in your voice, and it only made Chris’ own smile widen.

It was odd to hear you talk about his job, especially so… neutrally. Resting his chin on your shoulder, Chris watched you carefully and methodically cook the eggs, and he couldn’t help but tighten his hold around your waist.

There was a moment of silence as you placed the two perfectly fried eggs on a plate, next to the already cooked ones. The airfryer timer went off, you switched off the stove, but you remained standing there in Chris’ hug.

One of your hands came to his arms, and you started to softly caress his skin. “Baby… I don’t wanna get you into trouble, you know?”

Chris knew. Being with you would definitely get him into trouble if the Kims found out who you were. He was aware of this, there was no way he wouldn’t be. “I know, love”.

“I’m gonna be honest, I don’t… don’t really know what to do. How to fix that. I can’t let them hurt you because of me”.

Taking a deep breath, Chris let go of your waist to take a hold of your shoulders instead. With a gentle grip, he coaxed you to turn around so he could cup your cheeks in his hands. “We’ll figure something out. About the Kims, about the Guild… We’ll just… figure it out”.

You swallowed, but a small smile found its way to your lips. “Why do I get the feeling that this is gonna be some ‘you and me against the world’ bullshit?”

“Because it is”, Chris chuckled, squishing your cheeks, making your lips jut out into a pout. “It’s you and me, bun. We might need to improvise a bit, walk around the truth, but I have hope that we can find a solution to this”.

He pecked your lips briefly, and his hold on your cheeks relented.

You immediately looped your arms around his neck, pulling him close to you just as his hands found the small of your back. “I suppose we can put our two scheming brain cells together to think of something. I must say… doesn’t seem that difficult of a task when you’re here with me”.

Chris agreed completely. As long as he had you there, with him, it didn’t seem a difficult thing to achieve. Either getting the Guild to trust you again, or for you to defect, or even getting him to come clean to at least Seungmin, or keep you a secret, or for both of you to disappear completely, maybe leave the country and get new identities… It didn’t matter what course of action you both decided to take. 

As long as you got to be together, happy, and in love, it just didn’t matter.

Even when he leaned in to press a kiss on your lips, when he hugged you close, Chris held onto that possibly foolish hope that everything would be okay. That you both would, in fact, figure it all out.

tagging (people from my taglist + people that asked to be tagged in this part 2 specifically):

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Constructive feedback (or even keysmashes, really) is always welcome :) feel free to leave your comments in the caption/tags when you reblog, or by sending me an ask !

General Masterlist

#neverendingdreams #bang chan smut #bang chan fluff #bang chan angst #stray kids smut #stray kids fluff #stray kids angst #stray kids fanfiction #bang chan fanfiction #bang chan fic #bang chan x reader #chan x reader #skz fanfic #skz fanfiction #stray kids fanfic #✨🌙✏

[cerastes]

I’m thinking of how, in OpRec 2, Laurentina knows she has very limited time as herself before her brain deteriorates and she loses her reason again and becomes the “Specter” again. She has few precious hours as herself after years of being trapped in her own mind due to the experiments and the insane amount of pure liquid Originium Amaia and Quintus injected directly into her spinal cord.

She uses a bit of this time to spend it fighting a battle alongside Misery (who insisted she doesn’t need to help him but definitely welcomed the aid since apparently the situation was pretty bad), because in fighting, she can remain useful, in her own words. Skadi insists she hurry back to Rhodes Island, to which Specter says it’s pointless, because equipment on the surface simply cannot help her, only keep her alive, so she takes her sweet time fighting alongside Misery, and Skadi and Gladiia (the latter reluctantly) join.

She allots some more of her time to having a proper talk with Closure, answering as many questions as she can, both about herself and about Closure, but mainly, what she wanted to say was “do not change the way I’m treated. You know me as Specter, you have protocols around the Operator Specter. Retain them. I have to go.”

She talks with a very concerned Skadi and an unflinching but still upset Gladiia, but she already had time with them on the way back. The final person she wanted to talk to before her brain gave out again? Doctor. Explicitly because she predicted Closure and Doctor may take more care on her handling, maybe remove her from combat operations in order to more closely monitor her condition. This is exactly what she didn’t want.

Because end of the day, Laurentina is a Hunter. She finds it difficult to speak as surface dwellers do, she finds it almost nonsensical, and so, she demands, “Keep me in the fight, Doctor. We do not need words, we need only you having a clear objective and me, my orders. If you put me in a bed and out of the battlefield, you are denying me the last shred of identity I can cling on”.

Because she couldn’t sculpt, she couldn’t sing, she couldn’t even control her own body, if she was even conscious. The only thing that she could do to cling to being who she was...

...Is to at the very least be pointed towards an enemy to fight them, and pointed towards an ally to protect them.

Skadi believed Laurentina had died prior to the events of the game because this isn’t the first time she had done this: In order for the 3rd Squadron to advance towards Ishar’mla, the 2nd Squadron, Gladiia and Laurentina’s, practically sacrificed themselves covering for the 3rd. 

She never blamed Skadi, and makes sure she knows it. She didn’t mind doing it again now, either. “Point me at the one I have to cut, put the ones I need to keep safe behind me, and give the order. Even if am completely lost in the darkness of my mind and madness of my heart, that, that will never leave me. That’s proof that I am Specter, that I am Shark, and that I am Laurentina. I, namely, I.”

As far as she knew, these were the last words she’d ever get out as herself. She used to make it very clear: “Do not deny me the only bit of purpose and identity I have left, because even if I am but a shell of myself, I’m still me.”

Of course, we now know that this was not to be her final fate, and she did manage to regain control, decisively, eventually, but... As far as she and Skadi and Doctor knew, at this point, this was really, really it. The briefest of encounters with the real Specter, on borrowed time. And her intent? To make sure she’s not left to rot in a medical room where she’s useless, gathering dust: “Put even more danger upon my share”. You know you are dealing with a seriously terrifying and strong person when they can confidently tell you (and have verifiably, so far, done as much) that even if it’s just a shell of her former self out there, she can and will never stop doing exactly what she’s good at, because otherwise, at that point, she truly has left the world.

#arknights #specter #shark thoughts this night #3 am gn

[filmmarvel]

Sex Education Season 4 Review

Unfortunately it wasn’t as good as the others. It’s less that it was bad or that I didn’t enjoy it, and more that it sort of failed in its duties as a finale. I really liked the finale, it wasn’t until I finished it that I was left like… that’s it?

Starting with the Pros: I’m glad they had the sense to end it here. This season has gotten hated on pretty hard so far, which makes sense, but isn’t quite deserved. Even though it wasn’t as good as it COULD’VE been, it was still good! In particular, Aimee, Eric, and Adam had wonderful and satisfying arcs which I found quite compelling and felt like a lovely send off to each of their characters. Maeve’s ending, despite being a point of controversy, was fitting. She had a difficult but moving season, and her destiny was always to be a writer. As disappointing as it is that she doesn’t end up with Otis, I thought the writers justified it quite well. It would’ve simply felt wrong for her to stay back in Moordale just for Otis. She was always going to get out.

This brings me to the Cons. I have to say, my biggest disappointment with this season has to be Otis himself. Being the lead character, I really wish they would’ve chosen a more personal storyline with more depth to it to send off his character. Instead, they had him acting like a child the whole season. He’s the primary character and yet he has the least interesting, least sympathetic, least moving storyline. It was all about his relationships with Maeve, Ruby, and Eric, and his competition with O. Nothing really about him. They didn’t give enough closure as to how his future looks- he’s no longer the school sex therapist, which is disappointing. He agreed to think about working with O, but that’s all, and that isn’t the most satisfying conclusion. They left him in a very nondescript place. Additionally, many former cast members weren’t in this season. As a result, I felt that there were a number of missed opportunities. My other big complaint is, predictably, the change in setting and new cast of characters. I really didn’t love the new school. I don’t think I need to elaborate on that too much, it was just kind of over the top in a way that felt misplaced and unrealistic. As for the new characters, most of them weren’t bad, they were just unnecessary. The one character I did have an issue with was O, who was a rather grating presence. Which I don’t think was something all that good for a finale. I didn’t find her character at all interesting or sympathetic. She was really annoying, and didn’t grow on me at all over the course of the season.

To sum things up, I wish the writers had just focused on the characters they had already. The new characters weren’t as interesting (naturally), and I thought the season could’ve benefitted from more of a personal journey for the characters we already know and love- such as Otis, Jackson, Ruby, or Viv. When a show ends, I always really like to have some closure on where each of the characters are headed in the future, such as new passions, future relationships, careers, etc. While again, they did a lovely job with this with a few characters, there were a lot of characters who just left me unsatisfied (namely the aforementioned 4). I enjoyed the ending, but it left me feeling like a lot of precious time was wasted with new characters and misplaced storylines. It didn’t feel as though the writers quite understood how important this season was, and failed to treat certain characters with the care they deserved.

#sex education netflix #sex education s4 #sex education season 4 #otis milburn #maeve wiley #aimee gibbs #jackson marchetti #ruby matthews #vivian odusanya #eric effiong #adam groff #emma mackey #asa butterfield #ncuti gatwa #tv review #sex education show

[the-crimson]

I was thinking about this while falling asleep last night so I want to try and untangle the web Bad has been spinning to better understand what he’s doing cuz in some aspects it seems completely random and disconnected

Bad’s plan rn is to disseminate a bunch of different - at times contradictory- information across the island and watch how it spreads. The goal of this is two fold; to discover who is trustworthy and to find the (probably unknowing) federation spy.

His plan began way back with the magma cube prank. At the time he said he wanted to pin the prank on the fed to turn everyone against them but… the way he went about it didn’t make sense? Giving a cube to everyone at once pretty much confirmed it was a prank - fit recognized that immediately - as well as writing the books in French and Portuguese. Not to mention Tina would clock him immediately since he pulled this prank on her before. So what was the point?

So Bad could watch/listen to the islanders as they tried to figure out who it was. Many of them immediately clocked bbh for a number of different reasons and he confessed to several different people (mainly the French) that it was indeed him. He could watch the web of information spread to discover who talked to who and who could keep secrets.

Over the last few weeks Bad’s been much more subtle with this. He’s told conflicting information about various things to a bunch of people - telling some people he is the one responsible for the mines at spawn and others that he isn’t - and the web has just gotten more and more complex.

Then on top of all of this, he’s testing people with very specific and unique obstacles.

Bagi’s test was the first one I noticed several days ago and is what got me paying closure attention. Bad pretty much explained it yesterday but I’ll recap. He knew Bagi was worried about him so he told her he was seeing a ghost (which was true) and asked her to keep it a secret. She did not - as Bad predicted - and you can tell in the conversation that Bad knew she didn’t and was giving her the opportunity to come clean - which she did. He praised her and thanked her out of no where for keeping this secret (I thought this was weird at the time, the way he was talking, and this is why) and she told him that she didn’t. This proved to Bad that Bagi was more interested in being honest then trusted which meant that she passed the test.

The next obvious one is Baghera. Bad is testing Baghera’s resolve and trust. He showed her Ron knowing full well that Baghera could have turned on him and tried to interfere but he trusted that her sense of justice and care for him would balance out and that she’d find a solution where they both would be happy. He knows he is hurting her but it’s necessary in his eyes.

Then is Forever. This one is a bit more tricky. I don’t think Bad has really started testing Forever before the gun theft. This felt like an improvised test to see how far Bad could gaslight and push Forever before Forever gave up on their relationship. The gun was returned before we reached that point but there was another immediate point of contention that - again - was out of Bad’s control. Tubbo. Forever correctly believing Tubbo that bbh kidnapped the worker was the pay off for Bad’s previous abuse. Forever doesn’t believe a thing that comes out of Bad’s mouth anymore. The nail in the coffin for this test is Forever thinking that Bad is ill and needs to be saved, which means Bad is probably never going to bring Forever into his plans like he did Baghera. Forever wants to save him but Bad doesn’t want to be saved. He walked into this hell with eyes wide open and it’s far too late to turn back.

Aypierre’s test began yesterday. Not only did Bad “confess” to having a fed worker in his custody, he also tasked Aypierre with spying on Tubbo. Bad trusts the French as a whole more than anyone on the island (I’ll come back to foolish in a minute) and he knows that Aypierre, Antoine, and Etoiles would either be ambivalent or positive about the man in Bad’s basement. Bad would never straight up confess to this crime “I would never touch the federation” but he’s willing to confirm their suspicions. He also told Aypierre to be wary because someone is protecting Forever and… I’m pretty sure this is a lie. A lie to test what Aypierre does. Who does he tell. If the feds find out and start snooping. I think Aypierre’s test is to prove without a doubt if he can be trusted/who he trusts and that he isn’t a fed plant/hasn’t been bugged.

Lastly, and most interestingly, we have Foolish. Foolish is the only one Bad has told everything to. Sure, it’s through three layers of obscurity and metaphor but these two only know how to communicate through mind games. Bad knows how intelligent Foolish is and he knows what Foolish wants. Yes Foolish is a snitch but he has no loyalties to the fed, only to his family and himself. Foolish would be the obvious spy but Bad knows Foolish is just chasing the rush of excitement and entertainment and that watching Bad stop holding back is prime time entertainment. He knows Foolish will eventually turn him over to the feds but that’s what Bad wants. Foolish will be up front about it and will want a front row seat so if Bad gets arrested without the fan fair, then it proves that someone else is the puppet (if bad gets arrested at all)

Lastly lastly, I think Bad has caught onto the fact that the federation doesn’t want to touch him. First giving him a slap on the wrist for griefing the presidential office then warning workers to stay away from him instead of removing him as a threat. Bad wants to push them. Ever since Tubbo spilled the beans about the worker going missing, Bad has been acting so much more suspicious and threatening than before. He’s intentionally making himself look more guilty without out right stating that he is guilty. The federation has to know it’s him right? They have all the pieces they had to have been able to put it together so why? Why haven’t they acted?

Well, Foolish promised Bad he’d be getting arrested soon and Bad keeps making himself look more sus to Tubbo who has a friend in the fed - who resembles the exact person Bad wants to nab - so Bad is also probably keeping an eye on Tubbo if he snitches (which he did lol). If the federation continues to do nothing that’ll give Bad massive leverage over them while also giving him another mystery to solve.

Bad said his plan is almost complete, he just needs a few more pieces to fall into place before he can find the puppet and follow its strings back to its master. I have no idea what’s going to happen or what pieces need to fall into place but i am so curious to see what he does next. Is capturing Fred still part of his plans? Is he still banking on getting put in jail? How is he going to narrow down who is the puppet when he hasn’t tested more than half of the server? Hopefully we’ll get some answers today.

#qsmp #crimson speaks #badboyhalo #I am eppy #because I was think about this all night #XD #there’s probably things I missed #but that’s fine #I’m excited for today #this web he’s spinning is so fascinating #he’s a spider trying to catch a specific fly #but he doesn’t know which fly is the correct one #and he isn’t afraid of trapping/hurting innocent flies in the process #he’s so messed up #and I want him to keep getting worse #lmao

[sandy-bane]

The Savior

The fantasy of a fictional crush saving you when you're hurt. Kept it in my head in then on Google Drive for a bit too long. Enjoy!

Summary: Tav is dangerously injured during the battle. She is only a step away from death, but Astarion won't let it happen. He needs to save her, and later Tav will thank him in her own way.

Word count: 10K

Pairing: Astarion/Fem!Tav

Warnings: 18+, fingering, PiV sex, a bit of dom!Astarion, fluff, blood drinking

The battlefield was a chaos of clashing steel, arcane sparks, and guttural goblin cries. Astarion danced through the crowd, his crimson eyes gleaming with predatory excitement as he dispatched one goblin after another. Lae'zel's and Karlach’s fierce battle cries filled the air as they swung their massive blades, carving paths through the enemy ranks. Gale and Halsin stood back, casting spells with precise incantations, while Shadowheart's divine powers smote the goblins with radiant energy.

Tav fought valiantly beside them. The sorceress was selflessly throwing one spell after another, exchanging satisfied looks with Astarion who kept near her. They have been having something like a relationship for a while now. Tav struggled to understand sometimes if Astarion was serious enough about them or he was manipulating her by force of habit. No wonder their relationship had a fair amount of trust issues. What could go wrong between a couple of traumatized elves who crave closure but can’t let anyone too close? Nevertheless, it was fun. Tav was more reserved, while Astarion took a more risky view on things. Somehow they managed to balance it out.

The goblins were… Somehow different this time. Their weapons glinted with a sinister aura, and their attacks were more coordinated. Even the ambush was so well done and well planned that no one from the party could have predicted it. It was extremely difficult to even lessen the amount of goblins. As if something was protecting them and giving them confidence to fight back.

Tav could feel the drain on her powers with each spell. They have been fighting for too long, longer than they planned to. They thought that taking out a bunch of goblins was a snack, but it turned out to be a full course. Tav’s breaths came in ragged gasps, and her movements grew sluggish. In the midst of the chaos she did not notice how Astarion proceeded further and a goblin who sneaked closer to her. The goblin's cruel blade cut her armor open and pierced her flesh. A sharp cry of pain escaped her lips, and she stumbled, her vision blurring. Something was wrong. That did not feel like a regular wound. The skin under her armor was burning, as if someone poured acid in the cut. Half-conscious, she collapsed to the blood-soaked ground. Tav was in such pain like never before, however, she couldn’t ask for help. As she opened her mouth, the words couldn’t escape it. This couldn’t be it, could it? 

The goblins who were still alive, began to retreat, their eerie weapons gleaming as they vanished into the shadows. Battlefield was dusty, covered with a thick cloud of fog. Astarion quickly looked around searching for everyone. Lae’zel, Shadowheart, Karlach, Gale, Halsin… Where is Tav? There she was, down on the ground, not moving. Not a good sign. Astarion rushed to Tav's side, his eyes wide with alarm. She was laying on the ground, and not reacting to anything that happened around. Her eyelids fluttered a bit, struggling to open. Tav’s breathing was hard and abrupt, as if she struggled for air. Astarion kneeled next to her.

"Look at me, Tav," he urged, his voice laced with genuine concern. He gently turned her face. Tav's eyes remained half-lidded, and her breathing shallow. She was in pain, no doubt. 

Worry gnawed at Astarion as he examined Tav. There, on her side, was a massive cut through her armor. He could not smell her familiar blood, which was weird. He looked closer at her bleeding wound. Tav’s blood was unsually dark mixed with thick green liquid. Astarion's brow furrowed, his mind racing to understand the nature of this bizarre wound. It was unlike anything he had encountered before, and the sight sent a shiver down his spine. Astarion gently cradled Tav to his chest, holding her close.

"Tav, please, look at me," Astarion whispered so quietly he was not even sure Tav heard him.

"Gods," Shadowheart muttered, kneeling beside Tav's prone form. She and Halsin exchanged worried glances as they attempted to channel their energies to heal her wounds.

But despite their efforts, Tav did not react even a bit. Her eyes were still unfocused, breathing became rapid. Shadowheart's hands trembled slightly, and Halsin’s brow furrowed in frustration as his spells failed to take effect. Tav was grunting in pain, trying to remain conscious.

Astarion couldn't bear to see Tav in such a state. She was the only one who would listen to him, who would not judge. He felt alive next to her. He finally had a purpose. He could trust at least someone. It was still difficult for Astarion to be vulnerable in front of the others. Even in front of Tav he would put on his evil mask sometimes, despite her being fully accepting of him. She was open about her feelings and thoughts, even though sometimes Astarion wished she was more quiet. Not that he did not like being liked and cared for, but it was a challenge to be genuinely affectionate back.

"We stopped the bleeding, but…" Shadowheart’s voice pulled Astarion out of his thoughts. "It still looks really bad. The wound is not healing as it should, something is wrong."

"I tried to make her pain less intense or put her to sleep until she gets help, but… Nothing," Gale exhaled in disappointment as he kept his arm above Tav’s forehead.

"I have never seen anything like this," Halsin looked at Astarion, his eyes full with concern.

Astarion gently and slowly lifted Tav into his arms. Tav groaned in pain, when he slightly touched her wound. Astarion’s eyes locked on Tav’s pale face. He has never seen her so broken and weak. Even in extreme pain, Tav would keep her face until she’s alone and can let go of everything.

"We can't save her here," Halsin interrupted Astarion’s chain of thought. "Spells are useless. We need to find a healer, now. Preferably someone who’s stronger than me and Shadowheart combined."

Lae'zel, still coated with goblin blood, stepped forward. "There's a village nearby, not a long walk if we rush," she said while trying to steady her breath. "There we might find a healer. We need to leave right now."

Without further hesitation, everyone rallied behind her. Astarion carefully held Tav in his arms, mindful of her injuries, as they rushed toward the distant village. The green liquid staining his clothes and hands went unnoticed; his sole focus was on getting Tav the help she needed.

Tav's vision swayed in and out of focus as she tried desperately to keep her eyes on Astarion's face. Each breath felt like a laborious effort, and the pain coursing through her body threatened to consume her. She wanted to speak, to reassure Astarion that she will be fine, but her eyelids felt unbearably heavy, and she couldn't move a muscle. Fear gripped her, as she tried to grab on Astarion’s sleeve to draw his attention.

"Easy, my dear," he murmured, his voice trembling with worry. "We'll get you help. Just hold on a little longer."

"It hurts… Really bad…" the sorceress breathed out.

"I know, darling. We will get you fixed, don’t worry."

As the party reached the busy street of the village, they were met with wary, fearful gazes from the villagers. They were all humans. Probably, hiding out here in the middle of nowhere from something dangerous. Hostility was expected from villagers, as newcomers were heavily armored and covered in blood and dirt. This could not be a good sign for a peaceful village. 

Karlach shouted out, asking for help from villagers, who were just staring. No one reacted to her pleas. The villagers exchanged nervous glances, unsure of outsiders who had brought a wounded companion into their midst. Some looked at Tav’s oozing wound with disgust.

Astarion’s patience was fraying with each passing second, he couldn't bear the silent scrutiny. "Enough of this!" he bellowed, his tone sharp as a dagger. "We have someone here who was protecting this village from goblins and is now in dire need of help! If not for this young lady, you all would probably be a pile of ash by now!"

It wasn't entirely true, but Astarion's desperation and frustration pushed him to stretch the truth. He couldn't stand the idea of people just staring while Tav's life hung in the balance. Astarion could practically feel her life slipping away with every deep labored breath and her grip becoming less and less tight on him.

Amidst the hesitant crowd, a little girl, no older than ten, approached with timid steps. Her wide eyes darted between the battle-weary crowd, and she clutched a ragged doll tightly in her small hands. In a shaky voice, she said, "I...I know someone who might help."

Karlach knelt down to her level. She knew that a kid would be absolutely terrified to talk to Astarion or Lae’zel. And neither of them would be nice to a kid even if they’re trying to help. "Please, lead us to someone who can help. Our friend is hurt, and we need all the help we can get."

At first, the child indeed looked lost and scared. Astarion’s nerves were on edge and was was about to release it on the girl, but Halsin’s disapproving stare made him hide it. With a timid nod, the young girl took a step forward, leading deeper into the village. The young girl led everyone to a small, unassuming house on the outskirts of the village. Its exterior showed signs of age and wear, blending in with the rustic charm of the surrounding buildings.

As they approached, the door creaked open. A tall elf was standing in the dimly lit entryway. Their skin was light, and eyes were dark and piercing. The elf's expression was a mix of confusion and concern, and their gaze lingered on Astarion. Astarion wondered for a second, what in the hells an elf forgot in a human village, but there was no time to ask. The elf looked at Tav with concern.

The elf directed their questions toward the child, "Annika, who are these strangers, and why have you brought a vampire spawn with you?" Their voice held a note of caution.

Astarion couldn't help but roll his eyes. "I assure you," he replied, his tone dripping with irritation, "I only feast on animals and occasionally the lady who's currently on the brink of death. So, no need to worry."

His biting remark only seemed to confuse the elf further, but Shadowheart stepped forward to address the healer. "Forgive our abrupt arrival," she began, her tone respectful. "Our companion is gravely injured and in need of urgent help. We tried everything we could, but it didn’t work… Please, if you have the means to heal her, we would be forever grateful."

Shadowheart's sincerity seemed to break through the initial hesitation of the healer, who motioned for them to enter. With Tav's life hanging in the balance, they followed the elf into the small house.

As they entered the house, they were greeted by the sight of herbs and various tools adorning the walls. The place exuded an earthy, soothing aroma. The elf who had welcomed them now introduced themselves as Elowen.

"Please, lay her down here," Elowen instructed in a same cold tone and pointed to the table.

Astarion to gently laid Tav on the sturdy wooden table at the center. He tried to be as careful as possible, but the slightest movement was extremely painful for Tav. The healer wasted no time, moving to examine Tav's injuries with practiced skill and precision. "This is indeed serious," Elowen said, their eyes still fixed on oozing wound. "And it’s too crowded in here, I need only one person to stay with me."

"I'll stay," Astarion did not think twice before saying it.

"Bare in mind, that this might get messy and… Bloody. Will you contain yourself, vampire?"

"Oh, please," Astarion rolled his eyes yet again, "call me Astarion, vampire is not my only trait." 

Astarion turned to the rest of the party, his voice tinged with exhaustion. "The rest of you should head back to the camp," he urged, his gaze shifting from one companion to another. "Rest and wait for us. I will try to keep you updated."

Reluctantly, the others agreed, their weariness from battle and concern for their injured friend etched on their faces. "Come on, let's go," Shadowheart said softly, leading the way out of the room. A sense of hope mingled with anxiety hung in the air as they left.

With a nod of approval, Elowen began their work. Astarion couldn't bear the suspense any longer. He leaned in closer, trying to keep his voice steady. "How serious is it? Will she be alright?"

Elowen glanced up briefly, their expression somber. "Her blood is poisoned with a new substance the goblins have discovered," they explained, their voice laden with concern. "I've only dealt with this kind of poison once before, and it's extremely potent."

Astarion's jaw tightened as the gravity of the situation sank in. He watched as Elowen carefully removed Tav's stained and broken armor and lifted her shirt, revealing the deep wound on her side. It was quite an unpleasant thing to see. The wound was inflamed, oozing green liquid. Tav, in her semi-conscious state, grunted in pain and attempted to shift away, but the pain was too much to bear. She couldn't hide her agony.

"Hold her in place, please," they requested, their voice gentle but firm. "This is going to hurt even more than now, I need you to steady her. She’s half-conscious, but the pain would wake up even a dead one."

Without hesitation, Astarion placed his hands on Tav's shoulders, his fingers gripping with a careful strength. He could see tears forming in her half-shut eyes. "Shh, darling," he murmured, his voice soft and soothing. "You're going to be alright. Just hold on a little longer."

Elowen carefully retrieved a strange device. It looked like a huge syringe with some additional mechanism inside. Astarion have never seen anything like this before. Elowen turned to Astarion and explained, "We'll need to get as much of the poison out of her system as possible. The rest will be up to her and her body to fight off. I designed this equipment myself, if you push it into the wound, it would subtract venom or poison of any kind, leaving the blood in."

"Sounds… Like fun," Astarion looked at the elf with a bit of mistrust on his face.

"This step worked well previously. So you either help me, or step aside and I’ll hurt her more than I have to."

Astarion nodded in understanding, and moved in front so that he would cover the healer. Tav did not need to see what’s happening to her. Tightening his grip on Tav’s shoulders, Astarion leaned closer to her. He knew that what was to come would be excruciating for her.

As Elowen began pushing the device inside an open wound, Tav's weak hands reached out, trembling, seeking something to hold on to. She was shaking all over, trying to escape the pain, unable to scream out loud to ease it. Tav was resisting Astarion’s firm grip, trying to raise her head and look at what was happening to her. Astarion's heart clenched at the sight of her vulnerability. Tav is usually tough, does not like to show that she is in pain. This for her was a breaking point. Astarion leaned in closer, their faces almost touching, and his voice was a soft, comforting whisper. "Hold onto me, Tav, grab my wrists," he urged. "As much as you can and as strong as you need. I'm right here with you."

Tav's nodded and clutched Astarion's wrists with a desperation born of pain. The agony coursing through her was almost unbearable. Despite suffering, with every second it was easier to breathe, there was less pain. Tav’s grip on Astarion’s wrists was becoming lighter.

Elowen, seeing the relief in Tav's eyes as the poison was drawn out, let out a sigh of their own. They turned to Astarion, their expression still marked with concern. "You can release her now," they instructed gently.

Astarion obeyed, carefully letting go of Tav who breathed in and out loudly. Elowen held up a small vial filled with the green liquid. It was shockingly tiny given the devastation it had wreaked on Tav's body. Astarion couldn't help but voice his astonishment. "How strong is this poison?" he asked, a note of disbelief in his voice. "To think that such a small amount could do so much harm..."

Elowen's expression grew graver as they considered the question. "This poison is extremely potent," they explained. "It's designed to spread quickly and inflict maximum damage. It quite literally turns blood into green liquid. Blood becomes thick over time and is not able to circulate around the body anymore. Eventually, the victim dies from a heart attack or internal bleeding. The goblins have concocted something truly dangerous. To be honest, I haven’t figured out the final cure for it. Yes, drawing the poison out helps for a short time. But I feel like there is more to it. I tried herbs, spells… Nothing fully helped. There is something else. My research only gave me one clue," Elowen eyed Tav’s now relaxed body from head to toe. "I must say, she’s tougher than the infected one before. So, I have high hopes."

Elowen's explanation of the poison's potency made Astarion feel extremely uneasy. He didn’t want to know what happened to the previous victim, even though it was kind of self-explanatory. Astarion watched closely as the healer began applying a thick herbal mixture to Tav's wound, their skilled hands working with precision. The faint scent of herbs filled the room.

Turning to Astarion, Elowen requested, "Could you help me sit her up, please? I need to bandage the wound and her arm needs attention as well. When you grabbed her by left arm, she was in pain, be careful."

Astarion nodded and carefully lifted Tav into a sitting position, holding her gently, trying not to put pressure on the arm. Was the poison so strong that it prevented any effect from healing spells on other injuries? Tav’s breathing had become more steady, a reassuring sign of her body's resilience. Tav gently grabbed Astarion’s shoulder to keep in place. Astarion held her while Elowen worked on bandaging the wound, and despite her unconscious state, Tav grunted quietly in response. The pain still lingered, but it seemed less intense than before.

Tav tried to open her eyes, but her efforts to focus were in vain, and she still couldn't see clearly. The pain had diminished somewhat, but her body was shivering. Astarion gently brushed his hand across her forehead. His ice cold skin was almost burned by her fever. Worry etched lines onto his face as he felt the heat radiating from her. Tav was by default warmer than him, for an obvious reason, but she has never been this warm.

"Elowen," he said, his voice tense with concern, "she's burning up."

"The fever is a sign that her body is fighting off the poison," they explained. "It's a good sign. Uncomfortable, but good." They considered the situation carefully and then suggested, "I recommend you both stay here at least until morning. Stay longer if necessary. She needs time to rest and recover. I have a spare room where you both can rest comfortably. Besides, I need to finalize the cure, and I have a feeling she might help greatly."

Astarion nodded, his relief mixed with lingering worry. If there is no particular cure yet, how can they be sure Tav actually gets better and survives? 

The vampire carefully lifted Tav from the table. She was still weak, unable to walk on her own. With Tav nestled in his arms, Astarion whispered reassuringly, "Let's go, darling. You need to rest." Elowen led Astarion to the spare room, a tranquil space filled with the soothing scent of herbs and soft candlelight. Astarion carried Tav into the room, his steps slow and gentle to avoid jostling her further. He carefully placed Tav on the bed, and sat by her side.

Tav drifted in and out of restless sleep, her fever refusing to subside. Each time she opened her eyes, it was just for a moment before exhaustion pulled her back into slumber. Tav was tossing and turning, struggling to find a comfortable position. Astarion remained vigilant, sitting by her side, worry etched into his features.

During one of her brief awakenings, Tav managed to fully open her eyes. As she focused, Astarion's smile greeted her. However, the moment she tried to speak, she was overwhelmed by a wave of nausea. She sat up and clamped her hand over her mouth in a desperate attempt to stifle the sickness rising within her.

Astarion reached for a bucket that Elowen had left nearby for this very purpose. He offered it to Tav and she immediately threw up. "Ew, gross," he teased gently. "Sorry, darling, but that is indeed terrible."

Tav managed a weak smile despite her discomfort. "Well, I almost died, or currently dying, so sarcastic remarks are not welcome," she quipped.

"If you're well enough to deal with my sarcastic remarks, you will be fine."

Astarion took the bucket away. Tav grunted a bit as she was trying to lay back. Probably, as she was nauseous she did not notice the wound that much. Astarion helped her to lay down, gently holding her shoulders. As he sat closer to her, Astarion placed his hand on Tav’s forehead. His ice cold touch was so pleasant and relieving for Tav’s fever. Astarion was about to remove his hand, but Tav stopped him.

"Leave it like that, please," she whispered.

At Tav's request, he left his hand there, offering her some relief from the discomfort. 

"Actually, I have a better idea," he smiled. "You need to undress."

Tav raised an eyebrow, a mix of surprise and disappointment in her expression. "Are you seriously suggesting we have sex now?" she crossed her arms, hissing slightly from the discomfort in one of them.

Astarion's laughter filled the room as he took off his stained shirt. "Dearest, I might be considered a monster, but I have some integrity," he reiterated, his smile brimming with a mischievous charm. "I was thinking of something far more practical. So, do you need help undressing, or will you manage?"

Tav tried to take off her clothes, but her arm still hurt. Astarion slowly pulled her shirt up, revealing burning skin. He helped Tav to remove it, carefully lifting her arms. Astarion laid next to Tav, gently lifted her head and placed it on his chest. At first, Tav rested her cheek against his chest, relishing the coolness of his skin against her fevered body. That felt really good. She couldn't resist the temptation to be closer and relieve her fever. Tav shifted, wrapping her arms around Astarion, pressing her burning skin against his ice-cold form. The relief from fever was almost immediate. 

Astarion held her gently, one hand stroking her hair as he whispered soothing words. Tav raised her head, confusion marking her beautiful features. "Where the heck are we?" she asked, her voice tinged with uncertainty.

Astarion's brows furrowed in concern. "You don't remember?" he inquired, his worry growing. "Wrong question. What is the last thing you remember?"

Tav struggled to recall anything after the goblins attacked, her brow furrowing as she concentrated. "I remember goblins, then pain...and pretty much nothing but pain," she admitted, her voice laced with frustration at her hazy recollections.

Astarion continued to look at Tav with concern. "Do you remember anything else?" he pressed gently, hoping that she might recall more details.

Tav, however, shook her head weakly. "No, it's all just...a blur of pain and darkness," she admitted.

Astarion sighed softly, his fingers tracing soothing patterns on her back. "You were severely poisoned by goblins," he explained. "They used a new poison, something incredibly potent. We're at a healer's place now, and they've done their best to clear the poison from your blood."

"Done their best..? Does it mean I still have it?"

"Yes, but they also said that your body is strong enough to fight it off," he tried to keep his voice soft and reassuring. "You're going to be alright, Tav. A bit of fever and throwing up, and you’re fine."

Tav let out a weak laugh. "I’d prefer not to puke out my guts anymore. At least not right now."

As she lifted her head, her gaze locked onto Astarion's eyes. The intensity of her look took him by surprise. "Astarion, why are you being so caring and not a manipulative little bitch all of a sudden?"

Astarion's gaze met hers, and he paused for a moment, as if considering his answer. Then, a small, genuine smile graced his lips. "Well," he began, his tone gentle, "sometimes even the most cold-hearted creatures can find a reason to care deeply for someone. And you, my dear Tav, happen to be that reason for me."

Astarion looked at the ceiling. "Seeing you hurt like that...it's unbearable, Tav. You mean a lot to me, and I can't stand the thought of losing you. Who else will be brave enough to tolerate me, hm? You can’t die and leave me on my own, I’ll do a tremendous amount of shit."

Tav's smile widened. Moving was still difficult for her, her muscles were sore, and the wound was painful. But despite the discomfort, she slowly lifted her head and pressed a gentle kiss on Astarion's lips. He responded with equal tenderness, his hand cradling her cheek as their lips and tongues met for a brief moment. 

"Well, darling," Astarion smirked, "it felt like licking a hot coil."

Tav's expression shifted to one of offense. "I’m taking my words back, you’re still a bitch."

"Well, you chose the bitch yourself," he said, his thumb brushing her cheek affectionately. "Now, why don't you go back to rest? You need to recover."

Tav huffed in mock annoyance, but the corners of her lips curled into a smile. She nestled back against Astarion, her head resting on his chest. "Fine," she conceded, her voice softening. "But you better be here when I wake up."

"That I can promise you. Or can I..?"

Tav pushed him lightly on the side and turned away. Astarion laughed and hugged her from behind. Her skin was still burning against his.

In the middle of the night Tav started groaning lightly in her sleep. Her face showed discomfort, while her eyes remained shut.

"Love, what's happening?" Astarion asked, his voice filled with worry.

Tav, caught in the grip of some unseen distress, didn't respond. Instead, she continued to twist and turn, her movements growing more erratic. Unsettled, she started shaking, and the room seemed to echo with the sounds of her distress. Astarion placed his hand on Tav's forehead. Her fever seemed relentless, intensifying the room's temperature.

"Tav, can you hear me?" Astarion's voice was a gentle murmur filled with worry, his hand gripping hers for reassurance. 

In her delirium, Tav mumbled incoherent words, her discomfort evident as she shifted. Astarion reached for a small nightstand where Elowen had left a basin of cool water and a damp cloth. He soaked the cloth and tenderly placed it on Tav's forehead, hoping to relieve the fever at least a little.

In the next moment, Tav's body seemed entirely out of control. She was shaking, tossing, and turning, her hands clutching at the sheets until her knuckles went bloodless. Astarion couldn't discern whether it was pain, the fever, or perhaps a haunting nightmare that tormented her. His words and gentle touches went unnoticed by the sorceress lost in the throes of her distress.

"Elowen!" Astarion's urgency echoed through the room.

The quick cadence of footsteps echoed in the hallway as Elowen swiftly entered. At first puzzled, their expression shifted to deep concern upon seeing Tav. "What happened?" Elowen approached, immediately reaching for Tav's face in an attempt to examine her eyes. A deep furrow of worry etched their brow as they assessed the situation.

"I... I don't know," Astarion rose from his seat, allowing Elowen to take over by Tav's side. "She just started shaking, she's not responsive, and she won't wake up."

Elowen gently lifted the edge of Tav's blanket, revealing the bandage that now bore the weight of fresh blood, causing Astarion to instinctively move back. With careful hands, Elowen unwrapped the bandage, unveiling the inflamed wound beneath. Though devoid of the ominous green liquid, the state of the injury remained disconcerting.

"The wound has opened, she’s losing blood," Elowen quickly got up. "I'll fetch supplies to stop the bleeding, change the bandage, and clean the wound. It's not uncommon for this to happen, but we must act fast. Keep trying to wake her up," they instructed before swiftly departing the room.

While Elowen were away, Astarion followed their instruction to wake Tav up. He softly called her name, shook her shoulder, but nothing happened. The flickering candlelight played on Tav's face as she continued to writhe in discomfort.

"Tav, wake up," Astarion whispered, gently shaking her shoulder. "You're going to be fine. Just wake up, love."

Tav's response was a low moan, and she seemed to settle into a somewhat calmer state. Astarion couldn't help but feel a twinge of anxiety, hoping that Elowen would return soon.

As Elowen reentered the room, their arms laden with a basin of clean water, fresh bandages, and healing herbs, they started working immediately.

"Complications are not uncommon during the healing process," Elowen calmly explained to Astarion, their  focus on the task at hand. "The body can react unexpectedly, especially with the added challenge of the poison. It makes the body resistant to some spells and weakens the effectiveness of others. I'll do my best with what I have."

Astarion nodded, his eyes never leaving Tav as Elowen worked diligently to tend to the sorceress's wound.

"Darling, you need to open your eyes," Astarion urged, gently squeezing Tav’s shoulder.

"It is going to hurt now," Elowen warned, extracting a vial with a mixture. "This potion will literally burn the wound to seal it. If she wakes up because of it, hold her still."

As Elowen carefully poured the liquid onto Tav’s bleeding wound, her eyes snapped open, and she instinctively tried to pull away from the discomfort. Astarion held her down firmly yet carefully. He caught himself thinking that for the first time in a while he was genuinely afraid to physically hurt someone.

"Shhh, I’m here," Astarion cooed, gently stroking Tav’s head. "I know it hurts. Don’t look there." Tav nodded shifting in discomfort. Her eyes, filled with pain, remained fixed on Astarion as Elowen finished. "That's it, good girl," Astarion whispered, his touch gentle and reassuring. Elowen stepped back, allowing Tav to calm down. Tav's breathing gradually steadied, and her tense expression began to ease.

Elowen observed Tav for a moment before sitting back. The healer carefully bandaged the wound. "The wound is sealed now. She needs rest and time to recover. Keep an eye on her, and if anything unusual happens, don't hesitate to call for me."

"Will I even survive this all?", Tav asked, her voice barely audible.

"You're stronger than you think," Elowen praised, placing a hand on Tav's shoulder. "The worst is over now, so you don’t have another choice I’m afraid. Besides, I think Astarion will not let anything happen to you. Just rest, and let the healing process do its work."

Tav managed a weak smile. Astarion continued to cradle Tav, his gaze filled with concern. Elowen gathered the soiled bandages and disposed of them, "I'll check on her again in a while. Make sure she rests."

As Elowen left the room, Astarion remained seated beside Tav, holding her hand as she tried to rest again. The ordeal had left its mark, but there was a glimmer of relief in the air as Tav's breathing gradually returned to a more peaceful rhythm.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two days had passed slowly in Elowen's hut. Tav's condition had been a pendulum of improvement followed by sudden setbacks and all the way around again. She had fainted a few times, each episode sending Astarion into a state of panic.

One morning, Tav awoke to find herself alone in the room. She felt a bit better, the worst of the fever and nausea had passed. Encouraged by this, she decided to attempt to get up and walk around, hoping to regain her strength. As she stood on shaky legs, her body wobbling with the effort, she felt a rush of dizziness. Before she could react, her vision blurred, and she crumpled to the ground. Panic surged through her as she heard rapid footsteps approaching, and a moment later, Astarion burst into the room. His face contorted with a mixture of relief and anger, he rushed over to her, his voice filled with frustration. "Tav, what in the hells are you doing?" he scolded. "You're not strong enough to be up and about yet!"

Tav did not know what to respond even if she could. The words got stuck in her throat and tears rolled down her cheeks. She had hoped to regain some sense of control and independence, but now she felt the weight of her own weakness bearing down on her. Tav's tears glistened in her eyes as she turned away from Astarion's scolding words. His frustration had cut deeper than she had expected. She knew he wasn't perfect, that he carried his own unhealed wounds and layers of complexity, but in this moment, she had hoped for understanding and support, not judgment.

Astarion reached out to wipe her tears, but Tav pulled away from his touch, all emotions still clouding her gaze. She knew that she needed to rest and regain her strength, regardless of her desire for independence. Slowly, she crawled back into the bed, her body protesting each movement, but she was determined to recover, with or without Astarion's immediate support.

Tav settled back into the bed, the warmth of the blankets a comforting embrace around her weakened body. Her eyes were still moist from tears, but she didn't want to dwell on the frustration. Instead, she closed her eyes briefly, taking slow, calming breaths. 

Astarion stood there for a moment, torn between wanting to comfort her and his own feelings of helplessness. Finally, he sighed softly, his anger subsiding as he realized the depth of Tav's vulnerability in this moment. "I didn't mean to upset you," he admitted, his voice softer and filled with regret. "I just...I worry about you, Tav. Seeing you like this, it's...difficult for me."

Tav didn't open her eyes but responded quietly, her voice tinged with exhaustion. "I know, Astarion. But it is not easy for me either. Do you remember me ever being in such a state? Me neither. A little compassion would be appreciated."

Astarion's initial reaction was defensiveness. He had been trying to be compassionate, but it was hard for him when he constantly saw Tav putting herself in danger. "Tav," he began, trying not to sound angry or frustrated, "you don't understand how terrifying it is for me to see you like this. I just want you to be safe."

Tav's voice quivered as she replied, "I'm trying my best here, Astarion. I didn't ask for any of this to happen. I just need you to understand that I'm not invincible."

A heavy silence settled between them, the weight of their emotions hanging in the air. "Tav, the only person who needs to understand that you're not invincible is you," he argued, his voice tinged with worry. "Remember that time in the crypts? You charged ahead, thinking you could take on those undead alone. Or what about when you faced that pack of gnolls on your own? You nearly got yourself killed!"

Tav lost her battle with anger first. "Oh, really?" she shot back, her voice raised and her eyes blazing with indignation. "And what about all those times when I saved your life, Astarion? Do you think I throw myself in danger out of pure desire to be the hero? I am not looking for trouble on purpose, I am mostly covering your ass, so you wouldn't get killed!"

Despite Tav’s body still feeling weak, she pushed herself up from the bed. The sorceress came dangerously close to Astarion, their faces inches apart, her furious gaze locked onto his. The tension in the room was palpable, a storm of emotions swirling between them. "I don't need this from you," Tav seethed, her voice quivering with anger. "I just wanted you to help me get back to bed, that's all. In that particular moment I did not need you to treat me like a kid, for fuck’s sake."

"Well, I'm sorry to be caring so much for you that I can't control myself! You can fall again now, so that I can meet your expectations for once," Astarion bit back, every word soaked in venom.

In the midst of their heated argument, neither of them noticed Elowen silently watching from the doorway. "I think I have a theory," Elowen announced casually biting on an apple.

Astarion and Tav exchanged puzzled glances.

"Tav has been standing steady for several minutes now," Elowen explained. "No shaking, no other symptoms. Earlier I discovered some additional magical influence on the potion… One book suggested that sometimes potions are additionally enchanted to have extra potency. Maybe, with this one an infected target needs to let their rage out to cleanse the poison from the system rather than stay calm and wait…"

The room fell silent, the weight of Elowen's words sinking in. Astarion was studying Tav closely. He couldn't deny that she did seem to be standing more steadily than before. Well, the last time she tried to get up she fell. There definitely was a change in her condition, and he had to admit that something about Elowen's proposal seemed to make sense.

Instead of acknowledging this out loud, Astarion chose to continue the argument. He slipped seamlessly back into the dispute, stoking the fires of Tav's anger. His words were chosen carefully to provoke her, his tone carrying a hint of condescension that he knew would only fuel her fury. "Really, Tav," he drawled, smirking dismissively, "perhaps you're not as vulnerable as you'd like to think. And all that ‘oh, I act like I’m made of stone but deep down I wish for someone to comfort me’ game you play… If you needed a cuddle, you could have just asked, no need to suddenly fall, rip off the mask, and play victim."

Tav's eyes narrowed, lips formed a tensed thin line, her fists clenching at her sides. She shot back with equal venom, her voice shaking with anger. "You're unbelievable, Astarion! Do you think this is some kind of game for me?! I'm trying to survive here, not prove anything to you. If I don’t ask for compassion, it doesn’t mean I don’t need it!"

Their words clashed like swords, neither willing to back down, as their argument continued to spiral into a bitter exchange of accusations and frustrations. As Tav stood more confidently, her body steadier and her color returning, Astarion continued to stoke the flames of th fight. He searched for any weapon he could use to rile her up further, and then he remembered—the incident with the tiefling in one of the taverns that they visited on the way. Even though it was a pure accident, tiefling happened to be extremely horny and dismissive of the fact that Tav has a hot temper, Tav was still uneasy any time it came up. Astarion hoped that when he and Tav were done, she would forgive him for everything he said. A wicked smile crept across Astarion's face. "Remember that time you walked in on me and that hot tiefling?" he taunted, his words laced with mockery. "Oh, the look on your face, Tav. Priceless."

Tav's fury erupted like a volcano. Her cheeks flushed red with anger, and her hand shot out, delivering a slap across Astarion's face. The sound of the slap echoed in the room, and one could practically hear tension between them crackling. Astarion couldn’t help but laugh. It only fueled Tav's anger further, but as she watched him, she noticed something peculiar. His gaze seemed to linger on her, a certain hunger in his eyes that hadn't been there before.

Tav's face returned to its usual color, though her eyes still smoldered with anger. Astarion glanced at the bandage on her wound, noticing that it had shifted and revealed a smaller, more healed wound underneath.

Astarion noticed he was getting… Hard. His body responded to Tav’s anger with tremendous arousal. Even though Tav is the hot tempered one, she usually tries to resist impulsivity as much as possible. And angry Tav is definitely hotter than Astarion could imagine. Astarion couldn't resist the temptation to dredge up another painful memory. He remembered yet another incident that had stirred Tav's fury in the past, knowing it was like pouring oil on a blazing fire.

"Ah, how could I forget that time in the forest?" Astarion mused, a sly grin tugging at the corners of his lips. "You were keeping a diary, weren't you? Pouring your heart into those pages, documenting your innermost thoughts and secrets."

Tav's eyes widened as she realized what he was referring to. The diary had been a sanctuary of her deepest feelings and confessions, a place where she had poured her soul. But one day, she had discovered it missing, and it had never been returned.

With a chilling precision, Astarion continued, his voice dripping with malice as he recounted the cruel act from his own perspective. "You know, darling," he began, his tone icy, "I happened upon your precious diary one day. Oh, the things I read within those pages. Your innermost thoughts, your deepest secrets, all laid bare for me to peruse."

Tav's eyes widened with shock and anger as she realized the extent of his betrayal. Astarion relished in the discomfort he was causing her, his cruel words painting a vivid picture of his actions. "And then," he continued, his voice low and malicious, "I simply left it out in the woods. Nature had its way with your precious confessions, and I can only imagine the delight the forest creatures took in devouring your most intimate musings."

That was partially a lie. He never left that diary out in the woods, he kept it to himself. Why did he do it? He didn’t know.

Tav's jaw clenched as she listened, her eyes becoming even angrier. Her patience had worn thin, and she was reaching her breaking point with Astarion's deliberate provocation. In the height of her rage, Tav couldn't contain herself any longer. She pushed Astarion to the ground with surprising strength, her hands locking around his neck. Her face was contorted with fury as she yelled at him. "You're such an asshole, Astarion!" she spat out, her grip tightening on his neck. "If you don't shut up, I swear I'll put a stake through your ribs! How could you do this?! I will fucking kill you right now!"

Just as things were escalating dangerously, Elowen intervened, their calm voice cutting through the anger like a soothing balm. "That's enough, Tav" they said firmly while pulling Tav away. "Let's take a look at your wound."

Tav's fury didn't dissipate immediately, but she reluctantly released her hold on Astarion, her breathing heavy with the remnants of her anger. The room was filled with a heavy silence as they turned their attention to her injury. As the healer examined Tav's wound, they were met with a surprising sight – the wound was completely gone, as if it had never existed. A look of astonishment crossed Elowen's face, and they couldn't help but smile. "Well, I suppose this is one time you might actually thank Astarion for being a bit of a... well, you know," they remarked with a teasing grin.

With the good news that Tav was healed, Elowen excused themselves to give the couple some privacy to get ready to leave. Left alone, Astarion wasted no time in coming closer to Tav, wrapping his arms around her. But then, in a sudden shift, he grabbed her throat, causing Tav's breathing to speed up.

Astarion's voice was a seductive whisper in her ear, his words sending shivers down her spine. "Let's get back to the camp," he murmured, his tone dripping with desire. "I owe you for that little chokehold, you little rascal. That fight... it got me in the mood. And I think you deserve to be told off a bit for what you did to me. Very very naughty little pet."

Astarion placed a brief kiss on Tav's neck before releasing her. Her heart raced, her cheeks flushing as she met Astarion's intense gaze.

As they were leaving, she thought to herself, could he really be the one who stole her diary? That was the most painful realization from the fight they had. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Tav and Astarion returned to the camp, questions about Tav’s well-being poured in from every direction, but Astarion persuaded everyone that Tav was still weak and needed rest, deflecting their inquiries.

Once they were alone in their tent sitting on the bedroll, Astarion wasted no time in drawing Tav closer to him, his desire still simmering from their earlier argument. He grabbed the back of Tav’s head, luring her into a deep kiss. However, Tav gently pushed him away, her expression serious and determined.

Confusion flickered in Astarion's eyes as he waited for her question. He knew that she wouldn’t push him away for no reason. Tav's voice was unwavering as she spoke, her tone leaving no room for evasion. "I need to ask you something before we get all kinky and messy. Please tell the truth," she began, her gaze locked onto his. "I will be mad if what I suspect is true, but if you lie, I don't know what I will do to you."

Astarion knew really well that lying to Tav now would only make things worse. He nodded slowly, a hint of apprehension in his expression. "I promise, Tav, I will tell the truth," he vowed, his voice serious.

Tav's question hung in the air, laden with tension and uncertainty. She nervously played with a light skirt of her dress. Her voice trembled slightly as  the painful memory resurfacing. "Did you really find the diary and leave it out in the woods?"

Astarion hesitated for a moment, then asked her to wait. He rummaged through his belongings until he found something and gave it to Tav.  Tears welled up in Tav's eyes, but this time they were tears of happiness. She couldn't believe he had kept the dairy all this time. Her voice was filled with wonder as she asked, "Astarion, why didn’t you give it back to me earlier?"

Astarion's gaze softened as he looked at her, his voice gentle. "I may be many things, Tav, but I couldn't bear to destroy something so personal and important to you. I kept it because… I don’t even know why I did it. I should have given it to you, but we were busy trying not to die."

Tav opened and closed her diary, contemplating his words. Her gaze finally settled on him, her expression serious. "Look, Astarion," she began, "we've had our fair share of trust issues. But I need to know. Did you really read the diary or did you lie about it to make me mad?"

Astarion rolled his eyes slightly. Trust was indeed a delicate matter between them. Nevertheless, he met her gaze and answered honestly, "Yes, Tav, I read it. I didn't mean to invade your privacy, but it was there, and... curiosity got the better of me."

Tav listened intently, her eyes locked onto his. She leaned closer to Astarion and hugged him tightly, burying her face in his chest. Just as Astarion was about to hug her back, Tav quickly switched her position, her hand wrapping around his throat again. Tav didn’t have time to think when Astarion quickly removed her hand from his neck and pinned her on the ground beneath him. She felt how weak she still was, as she could not even resist. Or just didn’t want to?

"Oh no, darling…" Astarion lowered himself and whispered in her ear. "Did you really think you could do this to me for the second time? Now it’s my turn."

Astarion grabbed both of Tav’s arms and held them tight above her head. He knew that being immobilized made Tav extremely anxious. And truth be told, right now he enjoyed it. Astarion could smell fear in her blood, and it turned him on instantly.

He lowered himself to get closer to her neck and that deliciously pulsing artery. At first, Astarion gently kissed Tav’s neck, sending shivers down her spine. Despite anxiety, the sorceress actually enjoyed being pinned down. She would never say it out loud, but her shivering body spoke for itself.

Astarion's lips gently grazed her neck, eliciting a shiver of anticipation that made Tav arch her back. Unable to resist any longer, Astarion sank his sharp fangs into her tender skin, and Tav hissed in pain. Yet, the pain quickly gave way to a surge of pleasure as he greedily drank her blood. Tav started to feel more lightheaded than usual, probably her body needed more time to fully recover. Tav's sensations were a whirlwind of pleasure, pain, and raw desire as Astarion continued to drink from her, their connection deepening with each pull of her blood.

Astarion pulled away from Tav’s neck, a trail of blood dripping from the corner of his mouth. Astarion placed a deep slow kiss on Tav’s lips, sharing metallic taste with her. In one move Astarion turned Tav around, staying on his knees behind her. He dragged his hand across Tav’s spine to her shoulders, pushing them down, making her lower her chest and keep her lower part in the air. Astarion slowly raised the skirt of Tav’s dress to rest it on her back, leaving Tav’s bottom exposed for him. Tonight he was not going to be nice. He wanted Tav to beg, he wanted her to fall into a thousand different pieces.

In one quick move, Tav’s underwear was down at her knees. She heard him undoing his pants and slowly lowering them. Astarion’s cold fingers pressed between her sensitive folds.

"Astarion…."

"Shh, not a word, dear. You will talk when you’re allowed. Is that clear? Nod."

Tav nodded. If she was completely honest, she liked when Astarion was a bit rough with her. His words and actions were sending shivers right down her wet cunt. Her arousal was growing more and more with every passing second. 

"So wet and eager…” Astarion slowly brushed his fingers up and down, smearing Tav’s wetness down to the apex of her thighs.

Without any warning Astarion pushed two fingers inside Tav. He didn’t give Tav any time to adjust as he started moving his long digits inside of the sorceress. Tav was hissing and moaning, waiting to beg for more. Astarion pulled out his fingers and grabbed Tav by her hair, making the sorceress raise her head

"Now, you’re going to suck on my fingers like a good little pet," before Tav could even nod, Astarion pushed both of his fingers inside her mouth. Tav did not waste any time before sucking on wet fingers, tasting herself on them. She wanted to taste every inch of Astarion’s body, and his long delicate thieve’s fingers were not enough. Tav licked away every drop of her liquid from them.

Astarion pulled his fingers out of Tav’s mouth and pressed her head to the floor again. She felt him work his way up from her wet pussy upwards. Tav slightly shifted, as she felt one of Astarion’s long cold digits being dangerously close to her ass. He slowly pushed a finger inside, making Tav hiss from an uncomfortable feeling. Astarion added the second finger, stretching her even more. He moved his fingers carefully, stretching them apart a little. Every little movement made Tav instinctively shift away, but a firm slap on the butt cheek kept her in place.

"Now, little love, tell me what you want me to do."

"I want your cock inside me."

"Aren’t you forgetting something?" Astarion slightly curled his fingers inside Tav’s ass.

"Please…" she moaned, grabbing onto the pillow.

"Good girl."

In one quick move, Astarion pushed his whole length in. Tav’s eyes rolled back with a sudden sensation. She felt too full, it almost felt surreal. Astarion’s fingers moved together with his dick, making Tav push back, trying to ride him.

"No, no, we don’t do that," Astarion placed another firm slap with his free hand. "You either beg, or I’m telling you what to do."

As Astarion’s moves became faster, Tav knew he was close. He won’t let her cum today, she was almost sure about that. Did she like being this degraded? Oh yes she did. She tried to keep her life in her full control. She kept her anger and emotions bottled up inside. From time to time Tav did not know what to do and where to run from herself. For once she wanted someone to command her what to do. Even if it was only during sex. 

Suddenly, Tav’s vision became blurry. Her nausea returned, making her shift uncomfortably. Probably, she wasn’t fully recovered yet, and her organism couldn’t take the sensory overload. Fear filled her body from head to toe. Anything she would say would be taken as a part of the game.

"Astarion…" she said quietly.

"Did I…" he started in a pretentious, serious manner.

"Stop, please," Tav’s voice broke as she interrupted her lover.

Astarion stopped moving and pulled out of Tav’s body immediately. The sorceress rolled over and tucked her knees to herself, wrapping her hands around them. Tav put her forehead on her knees and inhaled deeply. Astarion awkwardly pulled up his pants, covering himself only halfway.

"Did I do something wrong?" Astarion put his hand over Tav’s. "Did I hurt you? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to… I thought…"

"No no, I just feel dizzy and nauseous. I suspect the poison is not fully out of the body."

Astarion's grip on her hand tightened with concern. "How can I help, darling? Is there anything you need?"

Tav winced as a wave of nausea washed over her. "A minute, I need a minute."

Astarion brushed a strand of hair from her face and leaned in to kiss her forehead. "If I go too far you can always tell me. And we can stop at any moment if anything is wrong."

"No, like, I want you to go too far, and you know that…  But this time I overestimated myself. I genuinely wanted this, I wanted you to be in control, to command me as much as you wish, to fuck me until I’m half conscious," Tav felt tears gathering in corners of her eyes.

"And why are you about to cry?" Astarion sat closer to Tav, their shoulders touching.

"Because I hate feeling unwell! I can’t do the things I like. For gods’ sake, I can’t even enjoy sex."

Astarion chuckled and kissed Tav on the cheek, "As I said, we don’t have to continue if you don’t want to."

"The thing is I want to… I really want to."

"Then we can go slow," Astarion sat facing Tav.

"You know that you don’t have to do everything that I want, right? I know it was challenging for you to be intimate with someone again, so I don’t want to pressure you."

"My sweet," Astarion reached out and caressed Tav’s messy hair, "it is different with you. I have not once felt like having sex with you is just another random encounter. It is something bigger. Yes, at first I did want to just give you some good time and make you fall for me. But things have changed. You are the first person who said a kind word to me, who did not judge me for who I am. Don’t you ever think that I do not enjoy being intimate with you or that I do things to simply satisfy you. Now, I want you to feel better, and if there is at least one thing I can do, I will."

Astarion gently cupped Tav’s cheek, drawing her face closer. His lips met hers, deepening the kiss. The vampire hovered over Tav, making her lay down on the bedroll. Astarion’s hands traveled up Tav’s legs, raising her skirt once again. He kissed her neck, as his fingers drew circles on Tav’s thighs. Astarion’s hands were getting higher and higher, until he grabbed Tav’s butt cheeks and slightly squeezed them. 

"Relax, darling," he whispered in Tav’s ear, "do let me know if I need to stop or if I am going too hard on you, alright?”

Tav only nodded and pulled Astarion closer to her. He shifted, pulling his pants down again. Astarion lowered himself to have a better angle and position. He put Tav’s legs around his waist, making sure her hold was firm.

Tav felt the tip of his cock at her entrance, pushing in slowly. Astarion looked down, making sure he controls his movements. He sank into Tav’s wetness inch by inch, making the sorceress arch her back in response. With a final push, Astarion was completely inside Tav, this time giving her time to assess her state and give him permission to move. At Tav’s subtle nod, Astarion carefully and slowly pulled back almost to the tip, and again buried himself deep inside Tav. His movements were slow and delicate, he was watching Tav’s expression carefully as he continued moving in and out of her gorgeous elven body.

Tav instinctively grabbed Astarion’s shirt, pulling it up. He moved up helping Tav to undress him. The sorceress moaned quietly as she saw the perfect pale skin and muscular body. She slowly traced Astarion’s arm muscles down and back up sliding her palms down his scarred back. Astarion swiftly unbuttoned Tav’s top and lowered the straps down her shoulders, exposing her aching breasts. His hand traveled slowly from her thigh up to caress her left breast, while his tongue circled around the nipple on the right one. Tav desperately gasped for air, trying to focus on her feelings. She felt Astarion pick up the pace and change the angle slightly to hit all of her sensitive spots. Tav cursed under her breath, grabbing the edges of the bedroll under her back.

"Tav, darling…" Astarion breathed out. "How are you feeling?"

"Fucking amazing," the sorceress breathed out a response, still tugging on the bedroll.

Astarion smirked as he started moving even faster. Tav felt his cool fingers reach her clit, rubbing small circles around it. Astarion’s touch was featherlight, making her groan his name and beg for more. 

"Astarion… I’m…"

"Yes, love, me too," the vampire panted.

Tav pulled him in for yet another kiss. This one was a mess of tongues and teeth, both of them wanting the release to come. As Astarion pounded in Tav’s body deep, she climaxed, grabbing a handful of his silver hair. Her body was shaking with amusement as she felt Astarion spill himself inside her. His body twitched as he orgasmed, his breathing became deep and loud. Astarion waited for a couple of seconds before leaving Tav’s body and laying next to her. He pulled the sorceress in for a hug, kissing the top of her head.

"Promise me something, Tav," he grabbed Tav’s chip to raise her head, "if you ever lose me on a battlefield, please, look who’s close to you. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy saving you, but I don’t want my silver hair turning gray."

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 tav #bg3 astarion #astarion #astarion smut #astarion imagine #astarion fluff #tav x astarion #astarion ancunin #bg3 smut

[tvckerwash]

I'm forever upset over the fandom completely fucking up wash and epsilon's dynamic (and also giving wash ai related trauma that he does not have).

like....wash isn't mad at epsilon, he's able to recognize that their whole situation wasn't something either of them could've predicted or circumvented, and despite it negatively impacting him, wash does not hold anything against epsilon for. ya know. trying to kill himself in his head.

and you wanna know why wash doesn't hold anything against epsilon for it? because he knows that wasn't epsilon's fault—it was the director's fault that epsilon was pushed to that point, and he is very aware of the fact that he was just the guy who was unlucky enough to get caught in the crossfire of epsilon's very traumatic existence.

all things considered, wash is pretty neutral when it comes to epsilon. beyond seeing him as a victim, epsilon is mostly a means to an end for him. wash would've never learned the truth about the director and would've never had the information nessacry to take pfl down without epsilon, and for that, he's honestly very grateful for their brief time together in a way. epsilon was literally his key to everything, and because of that, wash simply can't be angry at him for what happened.

epsilon on the other hand is quite angry with wash, and he spends a good chunk of present day s10 trying to other him from the bgc along with carolina, with his emotions peaking when the bgc turns their backs on him and carolina. epsilon feels as though wash betrayed and abandoned him when he had to be removed because he was impacting his mental state, and he is blinded by those negative feelings to the point that he is unable to look at their situation objectively in the same way wash is able to.

unfortunately, their situation never got resolved because s10 is literally the last time they interact in the series, and even more unfortunately, their situation is unlikely to ever be resolved at this point. it's honestly really sad because it would've been so nice to see wash and epsilon talk about what happened so that epsilon could get some closure regarding his unresolved feelings, and there was so much potential between the two of them regarding epsilon failing/going into rampancy.

like imagine epsilon telling wash that he's afraid he's going to get carolina hurt, imagine him telling wash that he's afraid carolina is going down the same path as the meta and that he's afraid that he's going to become like sigma. imagine him telling wash that he's afraid of losing himself again, but this time he won't be able to come back.

imagine wash telling epsilon that he needs to tell those things to carolina, imagine him telling him that she'll understand, and that she won't be angry or upset with him. like this would add so much more to that scene epsilon has with carolina in s13 where they talk about what happened.

imagine wash telling epsilon that he's not angry or upset with him, and that he knows it wasn't his fault and that he forgives him. imagine epsilon apologizing for being himselfTM, and then they have a jokey moment about the whole thing because church?? having emotions that isn't anger???? absolutely impossible.

#rvb #red vs blue #agent washington #leonard l church #epsilon ai #just some normal 10pm wash and epsilon thoughts as one has #mine #I've said it b4 and I'll say it again: big brother and/or mom friend wash is the way to go when he's not being a petty asshole lol

[grapejuicestyless]

I Don’t Need Your Closure.

Harry Styles x Fem!Reader

Summery: In the storm that is change, Harry seems to forget the one constant in his life.

It was predictable that with the hiatus announced, there was no eighteen months. That was it. They had the time they had left and that’s all they had to give. I’d known it since Harry had told me almost two years ago. Telling me about the idea they’d drawn up after years of nonstop working, the twinkle in his eye showed more than excitement for a break, but for a new start.

I knew him like that. I knew when he was happy, or nervous. When he was beating himself internally after a shaky performance or he was trying to remain calm in the most intense situations. I could read Harry like the back of my hand. I knew him in and out. We’d stay up for hours talking and talking until we wanted to just about die from over sharing and opening wounds to each other we didn’t realize were there until we’d felt the comfort of confessing our truths to each other.

You realize a blanket of protection seems to wrap around yourself once you’re in such an emotionally trusting relationship. It’s subconscious yet dangerous. You forget why you even had walls put up so strong and forget how to catch yourself when you fall.

I always knew that with the break, permanent or now, whatever Harry had convinced himself, there would be changes in our lives.

How naïve I was to believe it would be good. Such a fool to have thought I would be there to grow and change with him. How blissfully unaware I was that Harry had fallen so far into the wonderful newness of a fresh start that he forgot to love the one thing he’d always had.

I dedicated six years of my life to him. Having been asked out by the curly headed boy just weeks before his audition. The blush evident on his cheeks and the nervousness projecting through his bleeding cuticles and his bitten lips. I still had the, “We believe Harry has the X-Factor” t-shirt folded neatly at the bottom of one of my drawers.

And how invested I had become through his career. Helping him on the nights where it just all seemed too much for a teenage boy to be dealing with. When he felt neglected or abused, forgotten by his old friends or exploited by the tabloids so young, I had been the one to pick him up and work him through it. Sleeping pressed against his body in his tour bus so tightly we joked I would leave an indent in his side.

So, when he began to start his new album, and planned to fly far away to get into the right headspace, I couldn’t have imagined he had wanted me away from him. Always being told I was his biggest muse for everything he had done, I was blind sighted by everything he’d done.

It was cruel, and twisted the way I could have poured my everything into someone just for them to leave me dry and bleeding out.

The knowledge that he had this wonderful new start, a new success and dropped the one thing that stayed through his lowest points was like picking the scab over and over and watching it bleed.

It made me wish I hadn’t spent so much time devoted to him.

I was happy for him when the album was a success. It was obvious when he’d left me I still rubbed some final inspiration onto his work. His songs, ‘Only Angel’ and ‘Two Ghosts’ perfectly depicting situations only we’d been through. The way his fans practically ran to his aid after finding out about our separation almost made me even more angry. How quickly they were able to victimize him and coddle him made me sick.

What about me? What about the woman you’d welcomed into the fandom family with open arms so long ago. The woman who you’d stop on the streets for photos with and tell all about you day to? What about me, who was suffering in this all alone. No support from anyone. All my friends, were his. When we split, it only made sense for them to drift from me. I was a loose end meant to be severed.

So all alone, for a year or two, I watched him tour and bask in his new success, while I watched farther than ever before, selfishly wishing he would crumble under the pressure and fall face first. And even in my pity party, I couldn’t find a single piece of me that could hate him.

Sometimes he sent letters. I got them. All decorated with fancy boarders and sparkling wording that swooped and swirled in beautiful cursive letters. Invitations to house parties and shows nearby. Tickets prepaid, and VIP passes sent in the envelope.

Him and his constant need to leave no traces of bad blood in his life. His persistence in trying to be friends again. Trying to have a relationship together. He longed to have that stability he once had in his life.

Sure, we’d both dated around. Him, a tall brunette I didn’t recognize for a month and me, a few dates here and there. None ever stuck though. That knowing that someone was out there that I’d trusted enough to confess my deepest, most twisted confessions to had the ability to just walk out and have no care for the wreckage they’d left behind ruined everything I once adored. I grew trust issues. I found it hard to confide in even my closest friends, even if they’d done nothing wrong to lose it.

But, if that closure was what he wanted from me. If being friends would iron it out so nice for him, then I didn’t want it. It was like he was reaching out across a sea he had put between him and me. Trying to fix the distance he had purposefully placed when he left my life for the first and last time.

I missed him. I missed his vanilla cologne and his sweet kiss pressing across my face on the lazy mornings. I missed his hands in my hair and our drunken giggles. I miss him, still. All the time I think about how our family could’ve grown. How we could’ve been parents with little copy’s of each other running around. How we could’ve laid in the cozy living room arguing on if they looked more like him or me and eventually swooning over the features they got from each of us. I imagined I would say, “He has your eyes” and he would tell me our son had my smile.

But those daydreams could eventually drift away. I would continue to heal the longer I spent away from him. I would continue to grow and learn to trust and I would marry. I would find someone who could treat me the way I wished Harry had and I would forget about the man who ripped out my heart and made me forget how to breathe.

I would move on, and the letters will stop. If he really cares, he could come to me and beg on his knees. If he wanted to, he could. But he doesn’t so he doesn’t deserve what I could give him.

Yes, I got your letter. Yes, I’m doing better. I know that it’s over. I don’t need your closure.

#harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x you #harry styles imagine #harry styles angst #closure

[miami-lolz]

Rick and Morty Finale Theory’s/Predictions

inspired by posts by @fear-no-mort please check them out!!

The Freaky Morty Theory

The Freaky Morty Theory is that at some point either during or after episode 5, Evil Morty switched places with Morty Prime. There are some actual bases for this, and users have been collecting a decent amount of possible evidence for this reveal!

- Morty acting almost pre-season 4, like a Morty that hasn’t properly interacted with a Rick in a while

-Flinching significantly more then usual. In a flashback it implies Evil Mortys Rick was abusive which checks out

-the smug look. Don’t get me wrong Morty also has a chronic resting bitch face and smug I told you so look, but it has been a lot more prominent in the last couple of episodes

There’s a lot more to this but the basis is somehow they switched, and the season finale would be the time for the reveal.

If you are interested, @sadiecoocoo and @glitteringcrab have much more in-depth stuff about it!

personally, I want this theory to be true. It opens a lot of doors and would be a fantastic cliffhanger and segway to a more Morty-oriented episode or season.

Ricks Deepest Fears

His Fear Of Morty

Ok, so there are a lot of ways this can go. But here's in my opinion the most likely avenue;

Rick would absolutely never admit it, but part of Morty scares him. We see it on his face during the Purge episode, and more frequently during the last few seasons. But I think the reason he dogs on Morty and tries to keep his confidence low is because Rick knows how dangerous he can be when motivated enough. Morty is more aware than most and Rick picks up on that. He is scared one day Morty will grow up to be like him, bitter and angry. He sees it in him now and can't blame anyone else. Now with everything with Prime, I think Rick fears Morty will grow up not just like him, but like Rick Prime specifically. He'll get angry and lash out, do something drastic in revenge for all the ways Rick has wronged Morty throughout the years. Morty will realize what he's capable of and leave, and Rick couldn't really blame him.

His fear of Rick Prime

This one is probably what's gonna happen. Since Rick definitely didnt get closure from killing Prime, this could be his chance. To get over his fear of Rick Prime, of what he represents and what he is capable of. This episode might be his chance to a means to an end.

His fear of losing everyone else

Another huge one would be his fear of the Smith family dying the same way his family did. Rick has kind of detached himself but it’s no secret that he cares. He’s especially fond of the version of the Smiths he lives with now. Even admitting Summer reminds him of Diane. To lose them would absolutely devastate him. Maybe this episode will be him trying to finally heal from his fear of losing everything all over again and being alone.

Mortys Deepest Fears

His fear that Rick will kill him too.

Now I know how this sounds, but I thought, that would be interesting to see if one of Morty's fears is that Rick C-137 tries to kill him. Now I know that sounds out of character since WE know Rick would never but think about it, it’s not said but almost implied he probably could have fixed the prime universe from being Cronenberg but chose not to because it wasn’t his family, it was Primes. And I think Morty is smart enough to figure that out once he found out Prime was really his Rick.

He also compared Morty to his biological Rick multiple times, then basically beat his biological Rick to death with Morty to practically witness it. Now obviously Morty doesn’t blame Rick for hating Rick Prime and frankly Morty doesn’t seem to like Rick Prime either. But subconsciously I wonder if he thinks he’s the last strand, that Rick will one day finish what he started. it’s pretty clear C-137 would absolutely never actually kill him, but could you imagine him finding out Morty fears him

His fear of being alone

Morty has become detached in the past few seasons, and you can’t really blame him. His own Jerry seemed to get frustrated when he offered to get him a “new” Beth and Summer. Like they were toys he could just swap out. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He does. He defends Summer and his parents. His love is like a dog, it’s unconditional so no matter what he still loves Rick even after everything he put him through. So he was angry and upset when he left. Even afterwards, when Summer brought up”The Crow Thing” Morty got visibly upset. He even tried to manipulate Rick to come back. If a representation of that comes up, this could be a chance for him to give faith to Rick and his family that he won’t be left behind.

#rick and morty #morty prime #rick c137 #rick prime #rick sanchez #rick and morty theory #brain rot #rick and morty season 7 #morty smith #evil morty #freaky mortys theory

[buckybarnesss]

Something that frustrates me is that Theo can full transform into a wolf and it’s never talked about. Like how is it a big enlightenment thing for the Hales and then the evil 17 year old test tube were-creature can just do it casually and he doesn’t even USE IT FOR ANYTHING

lol fucking theo.

okay.

here we go.

i can understand how this would be frustrating and yeah it kind of is but the thing about theo is that narratively he's a derek mirror.

especially for scott and stiles.

read more because i had thoughts on this subject.

for the two of them, derek has always been there. it started with the three of them and for the type of shit they dealt with on a regular basis derek being there was comforting. even when they were actively being deeply annoyed by him because derek was safe to them in so many ways that i think that like a lot of teenagers they took for granted that he'd always be around because it's derek.

than he wasn't.

and argent left too.

it's the moment where the paradigm shifts and says "you're on your own kids".

it really pulled a rug out from under the two of them.

derek's departure at the end of season 4 in smoke and mirrors was so significant but also understated. i think people really do dismiss the amount of growth that occurred in the derek and scott relationship. fandom gets so hung up on their antagonism in seasons 1 and 2 they don't look much deeper for why they were like that and sort of ignore that season 3 spends a lot of time showing them moving away from that.

stiles and derek are more difficult to parse for some. their relationship whether you ship it or not is mostly in subtext. stiles is fucking attached by season 4.

stiles fears change. it's a huge part of his season 5 and 6a arcs. it terrifies him to lose people he cares about or have his relationship with them change.

i think it's important to remember that in smoke and mirrors, derek is all but dying in front of stiles. he's bleeding out. it doesn't look good. no one knows the dumbass is gonna evolve or whatever werewolf magic he pulled out his ass. he is dying and his last words to stiles are to go save scott.

this is after a season of where derek's been messed with magically by kate, where he's been losing his werewolf powers and lydia predicted his death.

when derek's lying there bleeding out stiles hesitates. twice.

he gets more focus than peter or braeden does in this moment. the focus is derek and stiles. we get like six close up shots of stiles being deeply affected by this and by affected i mean fucked up.

sure, derek doesn't end up actually dying but he leaves with braeden. we have no idea if they've really spoken all that much in the in-between.

stiles's face as they watch derek and argent leave does not give the vibe that he has had closure.

derek being unable to give stiles a proper goodbye is a whole other post.

it's really significant that derek leaving unmoors stiles emotionally even months later and that scott recognizes it. we are shown stiles getting sentimental and gooey over the initials d.h for a reason in creatures of the night. he misses derek.

why all this background when this post is about theo? it's because derek's absence in season 5 is glaring and tangible. it's an unsaid thing that theo is able to take advantage of.

it's a compare and contrast but sort of in opposite directions for stiles and scott.

both derek and theo grew up in beacon hills but left for a period of time before returning.

derek is immediately recognized by stiles and theo is recognized by scott.

both are accused of killing their sister. derek didn't kill laura but theo did kill tara.

derek is a born werewolf who earns his full shift which is an inherited rare gift whereas theo is a chimera artificially created by the dread doctors.

derek rejects the influence of peter and duecalion whereas theo is a tool of the dread doctors.

derek's desperation in building a pack and losing them versus theo's desperation to build a pack and killing them himself using deucalion's teachings about taking power.

derek wanting to kill lydia because he thought she was the kanima versus theo wanting lydia because he wanted her knowledge and she was the key to the hellhound

scott wanting to trust theo is an obvious course correction of how he mistrusted derek in the beginning and how he misses the connection he had with derek.

scott's just desperate for something to work out.

stiles's mistrust of theo is in contrast of how he trusted derek despite scott's insistence that derek wasn't trust worthy.

it also highlights that stiles's is on edge. he cannot afford to trust someone. not again. he cannot let another person close.

which brings us to parasomnia and the benefit of a doubt conversation.

there's a lot happening with stiles and scott during season 5. there's nogitsune fall out, them growing up and the pain that comes with it but also how stiles's behavior is increasingly paranoid and irritable. it's why theo is able to take such advantage.

but i think on some level scott misunderstands that stiles never really distrusted derek the same way he did.

stiles: "yes. okay? we followed him out here. what do you want me to say? that i'm a stalker? huh? that i'm crazy? totally paranoid? none of this is new information!" scott: "now you're gonna try to at least give him the benefit of the doubt?" stiles: "i give people benefit of the doubt! i've given a lot of benefit to a lot of people." scott: "like derek? ...kira? ...liam?"

i can not post scott's face when he's about to bring up derek to stiles.

scott may not know all the details, he may not understand them but what he does understand is derek leaving has stiles fucked up and bringing him up is going to poke at sore spot. bringing up derek was his entire point. adding kira and liam weren't the important part of this segment of conversation. i don't even think stiles ever mistrusted kira prior to when she begins to lose control of her fox.

scott is trying to appeal to stiles's derek feels and stiles just ends up super mad about it.

so to me in the end, a lot of scott and stiles's whole theo issue was really about derek.

(here's how i can make everything about derek hale lol).

theo being able to shift really was only to compare him to derek lol and who knows if he can even still accomplish this after he was returned from hell. he kind of went back to factory settings. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

tl;dr season 5 theo is derek-lite.

#my blog #thoughts on teen wolf #teen wolf #theo raeken #sterek #just in case

[astroaid]

Scorpio Rising 2024 Predicts

Accuracy dependent on natal chart. General read not a personal read.

@souveniroum2 requested <3

Feb 9 - New Moon in Aqua

[More likely to be felt if you have placements in aqua. The planet in aqua & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

When this occurs, mercury will be in aquarius as well. This can bring new information or interest in something home or family related. This will vary from person to person depending on natal chart.

Some examples: Getting acceptance into the grad school you applied for and now having to create a plan to move closer to that school.

Or your family member goes through a change that affects you. Ex: Mom decided to be vegetarian for health reasons, now your family mainly eats vegetarian meals.

With pluto transit your 4th, over the next few years your home and family life are about to transform. There is destruction to the old ways of living. This won’t happen suddenly though so don’t worry.

Mars (feb 13) and venus (feb 16) will join mercury and pluto in aqua this month. Mars can bring out the hostile energy in people. There may be difficult conversations to be had. With venus though, it is likely resolution can be found at the end of the day. There could be aesthetic changes to the home too. Possibly someone you live with or you want a change in decor or to build something to better the home aesthetic.

Feb 24 - Full Moon in Virgo

[More likely to be felt if you have placements in virgo. The planet in virgo & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

The new moon was in September 2023, if you remember something starting in regard to social circles or long term goals, it comes full circle now.

Example: September you applied for a dream school, and now around this time you receive word back. Things begin to feel like they are coming full circle.

For some it will be concerning your social circles. Maybe you took a friend back in the late summer or early fall, and now you regret it.

Mar 10 - New Moon Pisces

[More likely to be felt if you have placements in pisces. The planet in pisces & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

This is your 5th house of romance, joy & creation (including kids). You may feel in a creative mood and be able to use the energy for hobbies or projects. For some, you could begin to do something or meet someone who brings joy and excitement.

This house deals with entertainment and drama too. There may be a slow build up of drama in your life. With mars entering on march 22, it can bring passion but fight too. Better to focus the mars and new moon energy on creative projects.

Mar 25 - Lunar Eclipse in Libra

[More likely to be felt if you have placements in libra. The planet in libra & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

Since the south node has been here since July 17 2023 (and will stay here until Jan 28, 2025), you may be noticing you feel drained. You could be taking on a lot of new responsibility especially if you plan on moving soon. This can feel scary and tiring.

With the eclipse in your 12th, you could be experiencing endings. Receiving closure and letting go of limiting beliefs. Due to the nature of the libra sign, this can be saying goodbye to relationships that don’t truly support you.

April 1-25 Mercury Retrograde

[More likely to be felt if you have placements in aries. The planet in aries & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

Don’t let retrogrades stress you out. Think of it as mercury double checking everything is in order. For you this is the 6th house, this can be delays and other inconvenience in your daily life.

And retrogrades are usually associated with people from the past reconnecting. You or someone else may reach out. But due to this being the 6th house, this isn’t likely unless your natal suggests it.

April 8 - Solar Eclipse in Aries

[More likely to be felt if you have placements in aries. The planet in aries & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

April is a really 6th house focused month. You could be preparing to gain more independence in daily life. Over the next 6 months, there could be more responsibility on you.

6th house is health and routine as well. You may want to add things to your routine to better your health. When this occurs, mercury will be in retro in aries and chiron, venus + north node will be in aries too. This brings complexity to your daily life. You may need to try more than once until you can get exactly what it is you want.

April 20 - Jupiter + Uranus conjunct in taurus

[More likely to be felt if you have placements in taurus. The planet in taurus & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

This indicates something unexpected occurring in regard to your relationships. Friends, lovers or business. With jupiter it is likely a positive. Many of you could meet some important people.

April 23 - Full Moon Scorpio

[More likely to be felt if you have extra placements in scorpio. The planet in scorpio & its degree + aspect will tell you more about it influences]

This is your first house. This brings a full circle moment in you. If you began something in november 2023, it is coming to completion now. Could be as simple as hair style choices or a complete end to your old way of approaching life.

#astrology #astrology observations #scorpio rising #scorpio ascendant #taurus 7th house #taurus descendanf #leo rising #libra rising #solar return observations #cancer rising