#a work diary about the stuff life and dreams are made of
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December Prep
Hello everyone and welcome to the 2024 Grimoire Challenge!
I'm your mod Hazel/ Basil and my main blog is thehazeldruid.tumblr.com
So for December's prompts we will be setting things up and getting prepared for the challenge. We'll be using a lab notebook, as we did in the last challenge I ran and a similar format to both of the other challenges that I ran! Check them out at the links below
2019grimoriechallenge.tumblr.com
2022grimoirechallenge.tumblr.com (this one didn't make it a full year as I had some personal things come up that prevented me from completing it!)
Now, to jump into things properly, let's start by getting our lab journal ready. This is a notbook that goes alongside this challenge and is a tool to help you work through and understand your own craft. Here's a short video on lab notebooks to give you and idea of what we'll be doing with it.
Now along with the lab notebook, I recommend keeping a a meditation/ dream journal that will also go along with the challenge. Both of these can be plain old notebooks or loose paper stuffed into a folder.
"But Hazel, why two notebooks if all this stuff is going into my grimoire?"
So for a long time, and in I would imagine most peoples practices, their grimoires or books of shadows are not really a fancy big thick notebook. Mine was a folder stuffed with loose leaf paper for the longest time.
While the lab notebook is going to be used for the practical side of the challenge, during spellwork and rituals and so on to help you build that side of your practice, the other journal is going to be used for the personal side. To help you understand your feelings, your spiritual side, your thoughts on what you're doing and studying. Think of it as a literal journal or diary!
Next we'll talk about Planning and Routine. Now, you don't have to take this challenge so very seriously that it rules your life. Once the prompts are posted, there will be a list of them on the blog that you can go back to whenever you have time. But if you're someone who strives on structure, then by all means, take the time set aside each day to perform the prompt on the day it is set for. And stick to it. Plan ahead and create a routine to help you get into a groove for working through the challenge. Set aside the time each day, find a space where you won't be interrupted, have your resources and tools prepared, and go nuts!
That said, I will be making all of the prompts ahead of time and having them all more or less queued (hey I have a full time job and a family after all) so that I'll be able to add supplemental posts, prompts and ideas on the fly.
Once you have your notebooks, and your plan made up, we'll be prepared to start in January! I look forward to all of you taking part and encourage everyone to share resources by asking questions on posts, leaving messages in my inbox with resources and ideas as well as submissions of your progress!
So what all do I recommend we have for this challenge?
A regular journal
A dream journal
Your collection of information
Your supplies for making your grimoire
and of course your Grimoire itself
Thanks!
Mod Hazel
#witchcraft#grimoire#witchblr#occultism#paganism#pagans of tumblr#witchcore#dark academia#witch stuff#grimoire challenge#2024 gc#2024 grimoire challenge#witchy#witchy challenge#book of shadows#witchcraft 101#witch tips#baby witch#magick#magic
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JONATHAN AND GN!READER AND THEIR ANTICS !!!!!!!
Antics w/ Jonathan and Reader!
I did a similar post yesterday!! (Linked at the end, hopefully, I'm mobile and sometimes tumblr can be weird)
I'm so so sorry it took my so long to get this request <\\3 I was trying to come up with new ideas so it could be different than the other ask <\3, which I highly recommend checking out! Imma be real I'm not totally confident in how this one turned out so that second post can be like an extra/make up <\3
I wasnt sure if you wanted this to be platonic or have them dating so!! It's mostly written as vague in that department!!
Jonathan doesn't strike me as the person who goes out and does things a lot
Just. Wake up, work, home, sleep, repeat.. he'll sometimes send texts to friends and family to schedule a lunch here and there but
That's about it, hes not very social
So a lot of these antics are really going to be made through you making the plans; with the shenanigans really being unplanned byproducts
Honestly I can totally see Jonathan starting shit with someone, be it accident or on purpose, prompting both of yall having to hightail it out of the area
Reminds me of that part from one of the diary of a wimpy kid movies, where greg n rodrick do that fake puke prank on the guy and have to make a run for it
Actually I can totally see yall subtly being menaces and fucking with people
Maybe not a fake puke prank persay but
Yk?
No crime stuff; I only really see that becoming a thing after he becomes Spot! Both from how he worded his whole "turning to a life of crime" thing and the fact he just
Lacks the experience and confidence
Moving on
Maybe it's just my "let's get silly with the writing" part of me, or it's my need for chaos (arguably the same thing), but
I feel like
Somehow, you guys would accidentally probably maybe kinda sorta
Wreak havoc in ways spot could only dream of (before doing the whole. Bouncing across the multiverse thing)
Yall could probably start the day wanting to go to some food truck and
End it by spending a night in jail
Neither of you are allowed anywhere near food trucks after that /j
No but serious note, Jonathan is basically a hermit, he doesnt like leaving his apartment unless he has to; people are just, so
Eeuuughchk!
So when you two hang out it's either his place or yours
But that's not to say it isnt fun!
Hes got normal stuff people have in their homes, like board games and consoles
And also science doohickies
Yeah people have that in their houses, that's a normal thing
Ngl if you give him any ideas for machines or whatnot hes totally going to give it a try
See previous post with a trans s/o, he would make the transgenderinator if you asked him to
Well now hes just turning into doof
Ykw
I feel like he'd take you to alchemax to show off stuff but like
If you asked nicely
How can he say no to that face?
And also he has no backbone
That's not to say you would pressure him, though! Because that's not cool, dont pressure people. But like, he would cave in the way of "I know it's not that serious and I know they'll probably understand if I say no, but I don't want to ever risk disappointing them ever in my life, so I'm gonna say yes!" Kind of way
He just like me frfr
And this is assuming you even know about alchemax
Which personally, unless you're in some way associated with it, I'm p sure be would have a strong boundary to keep you out of it
This is really just turning into a general ramble <\3
Anyways
I dont have many ideas since I struggle with general hcs like this but!! Yeah!! Definitely recommend the linked post for a better more cohesive (?) List of ideas and hcs!! This post kinda
Made me realize I dont have many hcs for Jonathan outside of making his personality a smart pathetic science man
Gotta fix that , give him some hobbies n stuff in the future
Link to a similar post!
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🎀Welcome to my blog🎀
Hi butterflies, my name is Allurèa but you guys can call me Bonnie. My blog consists of multiple topics but the main things I will be talking about is:
Manifestion/Spirituality
My daily life/personal interests
Personal development/mental health
Self care
Advice/tips
A space for littles/age regressors
🧁🎀Although my blog is meant for the public this blog is also very personal for me since it is basically my digital diary/journal for me and my journey to become the girl of my dreams and actually take myself serious but hopefully and faithfully my blog can also help you guys become the girl of your dreams as well!🎀🧁
10 things to know about me are:
I'm blasian and a virgo sun, scorpio rising, aries moon (I have a nack for wanting to learn deeper in astrology)
I love writing and scrolling through pretty pics on pinterest while listening to songs that make me feel pretty
I'm obsessed with soft sweet pretty desserts and pretty drinks
I love being pampered, getting all cute, reading/listening to smut, anything that's romantic in general (im a hopeless romantic💔)😍 and a good laugh with close friends
My favorite color is pink, pastels, neutrals and purple(specifically lavender) but I have a soft spot for red and periwinkle blue
My favorite animal are bunnies, butterflies and white tigers
Winter is my fav season because I luv fur and cute boots
I dislike rude ppl, yelling, fake ppl, negative energy in general, dirt, bugs, liars, mean people and the smell of coconut (it can be highly nauseating when it smells too strong)
I love organizing stuff and making them pretty (despite me being ironically unorganized, I'm working on that 😭)
I'm obsessed with pretty/beauty related things in general
BONUS: my favorite flower are cherry blossoms/sakuras, peach blossoms, roses, lotus flower, Magnolia flowers (my state flower😍) and hibiscus flowers; I'm an age regressor/little which is another reason I made this blog to help with that as well
My dms and asks are always open if you ever want to talk about anything, ask anything, and/or have any suggestions for posts/topics you want me to talk about
You can find my rules here: 🎀
My Girly Diary side blog
My new girly blog is @allureasdiary, this blog will be mostly focused on pure manifestation/my manifestation journey
Other than that that is all darlings, I love you I can't wait to see how this turns out 💗
#princess#girly blog#pink blog#my blog#manifesting#pink#self care#sugarbaby#self love#coquette#dark femenine#light feminine#sfw agere
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Hi! Idk if the request is open can I request who made me a princess with sister atty and father claude with reader who want to go home to her world, so she used amnesia spell on them both thank you ❤
Requests will always be open unless stated otherwise on my pinned post, hope you enjoy reading this!
fem/fem aligned!reader
TW: MENTIONS OF COMITTING SUICIDE, BEING CONFINED
-You were tired, angry and hurt. I mean, who wouldn't if anyone was in your place? Being a princess would be a dream to a lot of people, but becoming a princess in your next life with a possesive father and sister, no one even knew you neither the fact that the emperor had a child other than Athanasia
-Being confined in the palace without being able to go outside by your father, the emperor of the Obelian empire, can do harm to you, both physically and mentally
-You didn't even belong to this world, and somewhat neither did your "sister", too
-So, as the spoiled and beloved daughter of emperor Claude de alger Obelia who won't get married and doesn't have to go to any classes she doesn't like, you spent most of your days in the imperial library and taking magic classes, trying to find a way to be able to induce extremely strong amnesia or open up a portal to another world
-Day by day, your magic grew stronger and your knowledge on various kinds of magic increased, mastering all kinds of magic, until you found out about dark magic, a dangerous and forbidden form of magic made illegal by the Obelian law, so finding two entire bookshelves about dark magic in a hidden corner in the imperial library is shocking
-You decided to enchant a diary that had a lock and key to have more and more pages everytime you finish writing a page, but it never grows bigger, making it an infinite diary
-You wrote down everything there was in the books about black magic instead of taking the books, deciding that it was dangerous and risky if someone finds them in your bedroom, and so you studied holed up in youe room every second when you had free time from being with your family
-Claude and Athanasia were happy that you found something you loved, supporting you in every way they could, hell, Claude even offered to teach you things he knew! (you begrudingly accepted after realising he had more experience with using magic as a whole)
-When you found out it was impossible to go back to your world as your original body died in that world, you cried for twelve days and silently grieved for twenty days, hesitantly agreeing with yourself to keep yourself in this world instead of just ending your own life
-You put your anger and sadness into studying and mastering every single magic there was to get away from your current family, even being better at magic than Lucas, who was the magician of the Black Tower
-You learnt dark magic so efficiently and mastered it so well, that whenever you now used it, it never has any side effects!
-With your plan of mastering dark magic was completed and you casted magic to permanently change your appearance/eyes, it was now time to take your things and then cast magic on everyone in the palace which consisted of Claude, Athanasia, Lily, Lucas, Felix, Jeanette, Ijekiel, and the staff that worked there
-Although it took up some of your energy and mana, you had enough to run to a place outside that didn't have strong defense magic and made a portal to a village just meters away from the capital so you could sell your stuff
-As promised, your magic worked really well, and everyone forgot who you were and that you even existed! But it had one minor side effect, you appeared in their dreams. Well- your physical appearance wasn't shown, instead, it was a mass of black fog forming a teenage girl's body and whenever you talked, your voice was staticy and glitchy, but not too much as they were able to understand what you were saying, but not being able to describe your voice and match it to a human's
The dream, or, well, memory, Athanasia had right now was weird.
She looked at the door infront of her, two knights standing outside and guarding it, ignoring the person(?) that was loudly hitting it and desperately screaming to let them out while footsteps were nearing her in the hallway.
"Don't worry, Athanasia, your sister is just acting bratty because she broke a rule I enforced for her, just give her time." her father, Claude, calmly announced, holding the younger person's shoulder.
"But [censored] is going to be hurt if she'll continue banging the door so harshly.." she pouted, looking back at the door.
'Why is the person's name censored? and sister? I don't have a sister. Unless this is an alternate universe of this world or dark magic was used on me..' she thought with a inwardly confused expression.
-after that, she had magic voluntarily used on her to stop those kinds of dreams as they were ruining her sleep
-While claude sometimes also had dreams like those, most of them were nicer, more.. docile, if you will
-In his dreams you were always quiet and were almost doll-like in his dreams, always shaking or nodding your head instead of vocally answering his questions
-Was it because of how he wanted you to act? More like a doll than a human being that he could nurture, care for and dress up? He and neither did you know, only the deepest and most twisted parts of his brain knew
-When you sold all of your belongings and bought commoners clothing with sanitary products and a bag for travelling that you enchanted that had infinite space, you headed to a small and quaint medium-sized village near the borders of the Obelian empire, with multiple forests, lakes and rivers, it definitely was the best place to reside in for the rest of your life, and if for some reason your magic wore off, you could always run away to another stronger empire
-The villagers welcomed you warmly and even pitied you for your made-up backstory, being a runaway servant from an abusive low-titled noble family
-The house you bought was nice and big enough for you, a two story building with a big backyard for farming and gardening, your bedroom being on the second floor with a balcony and bathroom, and in the first floor a small living room and kitchen
-Your job was fairly simple, a humble seamstress that sold clothing for cheap
-But with your rising paranoia that your family will find you and forcefully take you back, you casted multiple defensive barriers from different kinds of magic
-Although you're not able to go back to your world, this is most likely the best case scenario for you, the true happy ending for someone who deserves it.
#manhwa#manhwaxreader#yandere#yandere manhwa x reader#headcannons#who made me a princess#yandere manhwa#manhwa x reader#platonic yandere#male yandere#female yandere#yandere male#yandere female#yandere x reader#platonic yandere x reader#tw yandere#cw yandere#tw obsessive love#tw obsessive behavior#tw obsession#cw obsessive behavior#cw obsession#tw captivity#soleil.xreader
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yay more tag games, more opportunities to wrangle dd2 Rau lore. Looking forward to tormenting Lane some more in the future too tho, he is the blorbo.
❖ The Basics:
Name : Raures
Age : 123 (is there any concrete lore about how elves age and even reproduce because??? making shit up as i go here)
One good trait : Easygoing
One bad trait : Gullible
❖ Habits:
One bad habit : Easily disposes of items he doesn’t need at the time but ends up requiring later. The opposite of a hoarder.
One good habit : Has pretty good hygiene even when out camping. Thank you, elf life. (on another note, managing to wrangle pawn Lane into having frequent baths has been a massive feat as well)
One habit they can’t break : Q-tips in ears.
One they’ve broken : not dressing up before going out. Yeah there was a time Raures would go to the market to fetch some fresh breakfast veggies in naught but briefs.
What they’re afraid of : The possibility that he might be on the wrong side of history. He worries about being neglectful.
❖ Family:
Their parents names : Father Rhodan, Mother Khlystre
Their siblings names : n/a
Other relations : Uncle Woulle back in the Arbor
Favourite childhood memory : He loved spending time together with his parents, picnicking out in the meadow. When the sun shines through the leaves of trees just right, he tends to stop for a moment to savour the memory in his mind.
Favourite childhood toy : His first set of wood carving tools. A present from his father. He carved lots of things. Who needs house borers when you have a child with the less hazardous version of a knife running around.
Embarrassing story : Messed up a lot when learning human tongue. Once told a merchant they should consider trying soup made of old boots. He was trying to buy potatoes and cabbage for his parents for the veggie soup they were making. He attempted smalltalk. It was his first time practising the language with strangers.
Favourite family member : both of his parents were inseparable and he did not separate them in his mind either. They were constant in his life unlike most other people he’d met along the way.
A story about that family member : Khlystre once played a prank on her husband and son. She knew about other races more than the other two and was their walking encyclopaedia. She made up a nonexistent human holiday. Both Rhodan and Raures believed her and then wished human villagers a good ‘fish and chips’ day.
❖ What they prefer:
Coffee or tea ? Tea. Chamomile or Linden tea specifically.
Showering in the day or night ? Both tbh. He will wash up whenever he feels like it.
Taking baths or taking showers ? Bath. I’m not sure showers even exist in this world. Haven’t seen any. Then again the npcs seem to shit on the streets as the only toilets I’ve seen so far are in watchtowers and in JAIL of all places.
Writing or reading ? Reading. Especially letters and papers, diaries he has no business snooping through.
Platonic or romantic love ? Raures dreams of romance but has trouble committing knowing he’d outlive his potential partners.
Iced tea or lemonade ? Iced tea given the chance. Puppy eyes at random mages and sorcerers to put a little ice in his cup.
Ice cream or smoothies ? Smoothies. REFRESHING
Cupcakes or cake ? Cake if it’s got fresh fruit in it. And the thicker the frosting the better.
Beach or mountains ? Tough choice. Probably the beach as it feels more like home to him, despite the brine looming in the water. Easier to gather filling meals from waters also.
Tagged by @arisenreborn
Going to pass this onto another fandom- Tagging @alteredsilicone bc it’d be lovely to read more casual stuff about Viri or Temi <3 also @riftwalker-limbro if you ever feel like further fleshing out Vince or whoever you feel could work for this.
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Thank you so much for replying to my other ask! I completely understand not wanting to revisit a fic you had wrote when you weren't doing the best, and I hope you're feeling better now! 🩷 I adore 'evermore' so much even though it's quite depressing aha 🥲 The way you wrote Harry's mental health and escapism was so good and Id love to hear some spoilers if you were up to it 😅
One thing I love about fanfic is the freedom of it all, and like you said "What is fanfic if not an ode to writing that felt unfinished?". Your interpretation of Harry as an abused child at his core in works like "damaged" always get to me. It always felt weird in the HP book series that Harry had such an awful childhood and was as well adjusted and happy in the future.
Another one of your works I was really interested in is 'perfect boys with their perfect lives', the Harry/Cedric aka a certain dark lord one. It really had me thinking about what could have happened in the graveyard if Harry hadn't escaped 🫣
i am, thanks! it was around covid, which was an awful time for everyone i'm sure, with weird life stuff piled on top of it.
i was going to answer all of the ones you mentioned, but evermore is actually one of few stories i have planned out in detail. this is why it has a planned chapter count (though that hasn't stopped me from going overboard before lol).
i guess i'll just give you the whole thing in case i never finish it kljsdgkljdgs it's pretty long, so under a cut it goes! but first some context for everyone else:
🍃 Evermore
Tags: Alternate Universe, Unhealthy Relationships, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Manipulative Relationship, Infidelity, Past Child Abuse, Dream Sequences, Depression, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Plot Twists, Happy Ending, Surprise Ending, Healing
Summary:
Harry is a married man who is living a charmed life. He has no need for the fantasy potions gifted to him by the Weasley twins—or so he thinks. After falling asleep on the train ride home, Harry dreams of the perfect man, a man named Tom Riddle.
As Harry explores his dream life with Tom, he realizes that his actual life is not as charmed as it seems. The pristine image of his faultless marriage shatters, revealing a darker reality, and Tom Riddle becomes an oasis, a sanctuary for Harry to escape to.
However, no sanctuary is eternal and no oasis is truly perfect. Harry must eventually confront his demons, inner and outer, before he can find real happiness for himself.
Notes:
these notes are arranged in order from where the most recently posted chapter left off.
there are probably some divergent points that occurred during the actual writing process, but this plan below (i'll admit i'm not quite brave enough to reread it all) is what the general storyline will be.
-
reality four - right where you left me
maybe harry's been harbouring fears of his potions being found? :thots: or his husband's made note of his changes in behaviour, accuses him of not spending time/being devoted
they get into an argument where harry gets a looooot of shit for stuff he doesn't deserve to get shit for, stuff that's not even true
harry yells back but gets hit, idk if by magic or not :thots: and he backs down, distraught. then once he's alone, he goes straight for the dream world
dream four - no body no crime
it'll be a much shorter version obviously, and the character roster won't be the same
i hadn't nailed down the specifics of the background and so i'm not sure how it'll look, exactly
harry is NOT married in this dream, he knows dream-husband but they are only friends
dream-husband is ginny's role in this particular iteration
but the climax of this scene is where harry is snooping around in the house, where he happens upon the dream-husband's diary
he's been looking for evidence to prove the murder
harry reads through the diary
and in the diary are tragic entries describing depressive thoughts, details of emotional (maybe even physical) abuse, etc.
this is a pivotal moment for harry, who up until this moment has been in denial about the failings of his real life marriage
reading this in the framing of it happening to someone else is enough for him to realize that it's wrong
what happens to him is not okay
but of course it's not that easy to just, shrug off years of marriage all at once; harry once again exits the dream, thus ending that particular dream universe
he's partly in denial but it's not as bad as before
he's been using the dreams as a coping mechanism up until this point
i've made it sound kind of frustrating but the dream worlds that harry goes to are meant to be very lush, romanticized
while we realize that harry's dream worlds are not ideal, he doesn't realize it right away
he thinks he's still doing something wrong
reality five - coney island
uh so next is probably another real life scene which shows tension between harry and his husband, only harry is no longer acting the way he did before aka accepting things without question
after the dream, harry starts to... notice things. he picks up on the slights, on the manipulative behaviours. he doesn't argue back for most of it, because he's still figuring it out and he's in shock, but he does start acting differently, which is noted by his husband
it escalates things further, a landslide of 'harry is no longer listening to me, is no longer under my control' type of deal where it results in more attempts to manipulate, which harry now sees is bad
voldemort grew addicted to power, made deals with politicians, gained a following
he looks back on past events and picks out the red flags, realizes that his marriage is not a marriage of equals. but just because harry knows these things, doesn't mean he knows what to do. he goes back to the dream world for comfort/answers
dream five - cowboy like me
this one is 'cowboy like me'
harry is there with his husband staying at a hotel, they happen across dream-husband, who is a con artist attempting to swindle an older woman
either harry is also a con artist in a similar vein, or he is mistaken for one - i'll probably decide once it's written out and i get a sense of the vibe
but he and dream-husband have some interesting conversations, flirting, etc
the theme of this dream i think will be further strengthening the similarities between harry and the dream-husband he's made up in his head
this dream ends with a bittersweet farewell
something along the lines of, despite their attraction for each other, they must part ways? :thots: or some other thing
but there will be a bit of a cheeky 'see you soon'
aka referencing the fact that it's a dream/dream world, that the dream-husband is a recurring character in harry's mental space
reality six - happiness
harry's down to two vials now, the bittersweet farewell of dream five has him realizing that time is running out in the metaphorical sense; we understand that soon he will need to make a choice
i might loop back to infidelity at this point, maybe in an attempt to bring harry to heel, his husband starts flaunting an affair? :thots: cause in the past, flirting with other people probably worked to make harry upset and easily manipulated
but y'know now harry is armed with his brand new knowledge of Marriage Should Not Be Like This and also he's got some shiny self-worth stored up, courtesy of dream-husband
dream six - ivy
in this dream world, harry is married to his current husband, but he is having an affair with the dream-husband; not in the sexual sense, but in the emotional sense. drawing on the dream five, harry is seeking comfort and solace from his bad marriage
this dream is meant to remove more of harry's doubts and encourage him to see that his current situation is bad
and i imagine we start to break through the fourth wall; dream-husband speaks directly to harry, referencing real life events that have occurred
he encourages harry to leave
harry is doubtful, obviously. this is all he's known and he's been gaslighted, manipulated, mistreated
he's terrified he will be found out and punished for it
but the dream-husband reassures him, promises him that things will be okay, etc.
he makes harry promise to take care of himself
and i'm thinking in true romantic sense, maybe they spend the night together? :thots:
reality seven - closure
we solidify that harry deserves better, that what has happened is not his fault, etc all the important, healthy things
we have harry reaching out to the people that have been slowly pushed out of his life (mostly by his husband). he’s reconnecting with them, being healthier, i think this section would end with harry going to ron and hermione and telling them the truth, telling them everything
harry is down to his last vial, so he's been saving it
like, he could obviously go and get more, they would give it to him for free, even, but you know it's kind of like
he shouldn't have to rely on that as a coping mechanism any more
dream seven - evermore
i'm thinking harry goes for one last dream, they sit together outside(?) or somewhere else that has significance for harry
they hold hands, harry talks about how much the support has meant to him, what he's learned about himself, what these dreams have taught him
sometimes things don't work out
he knows he needs to walk out and move on
i'll probably cry writing all this so you know it'll be good
the end - it’s time to go
then like i mentioned before, there will be a scene of harry signing divorce papers. his friends are with him, telling them they support him, and he feels... relief. he feels hope.
the story ends with harry attending a party, this time by his own decision. he's here to genuinely mingle with people, with his friends, and have a good time
and then he sees someone
much like the previous dream, it's someone who he once knew
they talk, they catch up, but this time it doesn't feel odd or uncomfortable
harry feels secure with himself, and we end on the hopeful note that this could go somewhere good
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currently i'm really busy with writing for my thesis, which unfortunately leaves me with little creative juice... ive been engaging with other people's creations a lot more rather than writing for myself, but have some assorted thoughts on things ive enjoyed recently below, for anyone who is interested. feel free to send me asks about anything that's mentioned, but because of the above, might take me a bit to get back to u <3!
these aren't really x reader thoughts, just rambling! if you read this, thank u, i am giving you a kiss on your forehead/hug/fistbump/handshake/whatever words of affirmation you have been wanting to hear today. pick your favorite!
(Pokephilia mention) Pokémon Legends Z's announcement!! It'll be forever until it's released (which, as a true Pokémon fan, I'm very happy about BAHAHAH), but I'm so excited! Very curious how they are planning to implement, what seems to be, citybuilder elements... If Emmet shows up in this game, I'm going to be super delighted, but I honestly doubt it. Either way, it's made me think a bit more about the twins, and Poképhilia stuff in general as well! It's such a shame/pain the main tag is blocked... one day I will start and stick to my intention to write, like, porn about all the Pokémon, haha. A dream...
(cannibalism(????) monster eating??? mention. consensual!) Dungeon Meshi really was as much fun as everyone mentioned! Don't really see myself writing fic about it, except for a very specific idea I had... I like the thought of Laois 'obsessed with eating monsters' Touden got to meet a monster (AKA Reader) who is equally obsessed with the idea of being eaten!! Maybe a mermaid, or something like that? It's his one chance to eat a humanoid monster! Though the others probably won't believe him when they tell him that it was 100% consensual, and are judging him harshly LMAO
Welcome Home updated! Very happy about this. Though I don't connect them publically, I actually have written quite a bit of WH fic and my sfw sideblog for it used to have more followers than this one LMAOO. Maybe one day I'll write NSFW works for it, but I dunno if there's interest... Plus, I very much fall underneath people the creator would consider 'unwelcome' in their squeaky-clean fandom or whatever, but they have like a quarter million followers now, lol. Anyway, Wally is, as has been said many times before, the Most! He draws me in <3
And also, poor Eddie, lmao. It's very interesting to me, with the inclusion of the Narrator, that the characters seem to be forced to steer in a specific direction, if that makes sense? To upkeep a certain mask. I wonder if 'as above, so below' is a reference to that, in the sense that whatever is dictated by the stronger forces of narrative, is what shall occur 'below'-- In their world. Like, the animosity some of these puppets have for each other!!!!! Some of them are just straight up Not Friends, lmao.
I need to play more of it, but if anyone is reading this, go play I Was A Teenage Exocolonist. I expected it to be waaaay more popular, especially on Tumblr, but it's so underrated? The writing is wonderful, the characters are well-defined, and the art is breathtaking! Please take a look at the trigger warnings, cuz there are a few that are definitely applicable, but it's soooo good... If it has to be said, I romanced Dys first, lmao.
I am watching The Apothecary Diaries right now, just started today, and can I jsut say... I'm such a fan of all the women in this show!! I love the perspective it gives on court life a lot! Maomao definitely is pulling in all the men AND women, huh.... i appreciate that. Jinshi also 100% wants to get degraded by her, huh. Maomao is the sexywoman of this show.
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Heyy idk if anyone here remembers me or cares but I figured I'd make a little life update just in case. And if not, maybe I'll just look back on it in a few years and smile.
I've had this blog for about ten years now. I was a freshman in high school when I began. It was memes, fandom, and the occasional depression. I even posted some pretty dark stuff a LOT of the time because I felt like I had nowhere else to vent.
Now I am 24. Twenty four!! I can't believe it. I lived!
I've been homeless, I've been traumatized. Went through a lot of stuff! If you like to feel sad and lurk, feel free to check out my tags for more context, haha. Some of it is pretty triggering and downright toxic so yeah take care of yourself.
But yeah. Twenty four. Sheesh. I am in a much better place now. I have an apartment with some friends and my partner. We have a little dog. I got a new car that I don't have to live in anymore. I work gigs like food delivery and dog walking. Money is always tight, but what else is new?
I still have a little problem with the booze and the weed, but I'm not searching for ways to destroy myself anymore. I don't seek chaos just because that's where i felt the most normal.
I'm learning to be okay with peace. And mediocrity. I used to- well, still do sometimes- compare myself to everyone I knew my age, people who had support systems I could never dream of, who went to college, and found their dream job. Who never wanted for anything. Always smiling.
I learned that it's not a competition. Life, that is. As long as I wake up every morning, I call that a win. It doesn't matter that this person from school makes six figures and already has a house and a kid. I get to wake up and walk dogs and look at trees and flowers, and I get to come home all sweaty and take a hot shower and make a sandwich. That's enough for me, for now. Much better than couch surfing and showering at planet fitness and eating gas station sandwiches.
Anyway. At the risk of overdoing it, I just wanna say thanks Tumblr. You were my anonymous diary for years. I received support from strangers I can never repay. I laughed at memes, made art, got in arguments about stupid shit.
I'm not leaving! Just expressing gratitude I never had. I am no longer full of hate. Just a morsel now, haha. There will always be a part of me that is bitter about everything I had to go through, and embarrassed at how I handled it. But I did my best and most people met me where I was at and accepted me anyways, even when I wasn't at my best. Thank you.
If I ever hurt you or exhausted you, thank you, and I am sorry.
Anyway. Yeah. Thanks. I'm doing okay. Good, even. Now that I'm not in crisis constantly- and I was in crisis for the better part of those ten years- I think I will find something I am passionate about, and work at exploring it. That sounds nice. :)
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A Work Diary, About the Stuff Life and Dreams Are Made of by Christa Wolf
Context: Christa Wolf was a novelist from East Germany. She wrote this passage two days after a NATO conference regarding the nuclear arms race resulted in the USAmerican threat that "if Europe does not begin to alter its policies completely, it has only three or four years left."
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So I started HRT
I can't believe that's a sentence I get to type?? Going on T always felt like a crazy distant thing to me that I would never get or would be in the distant future (but the distant future was like always still further off forever, there was no getting closer to when the future would be).
Anyway, for my own sake, I think I wanna do like.. a little diary thing? Just something to look back on in the future, see all the progress and everything.
So this really started last Monday. I had a dream that I was going to Planned Parenthood to start HRT, but I got turned away cause they weren't doing that anymore. They gave me places that still were, but I felt embarrassed and discouraged and I didn't take it, and when I woke up, I was... a lot more upset about all that than I think I reasonably should have been. I've had dreams before of like medically transitioning, or like going to appointments and stuff like that so idk why this was different, but it was I guess! Different enough that that, plus I guess a combination of it was already a busy day and I was mad at work, I very spur of the moment just made an appointment to go that Thursday. And finally do it.
Zab was the first person I told like immediately after I booked it and got the confirmation that it was booked, cause of course I had to and their reaction was wonderful, they're my rock honestly through so many things and I'm grateful for them always.
Laz, I told that night and their reaction was also just... I don't think I'll ever forget it, I love them very much and that moment is something I think I'm gonna hold in my heart forever.
I can't stop thinking of Zab telling me repeatedly that they're proud of me, and Laz repeatedly saying finally!!
I love my friends so much.
I think part of what makes this so surreal and strange is like... this was so easy? Like there was no special occasion anything with it, this is just. It's Thursday. It's just a normal Thursday! Like it's not now, February 8th is huge now, but like wow what the fuck. Like I waited til my birthday last year to get my ears pierced cause that was like An Occasion, and something special to do, but this like... it's not revolving around anything! I could just go on my phone and make an appointment with planned parenthood immediately and i did!! It's just another Thursday!!
idk something something making special or beauty in the mundane idk
I have an appointment thursday that's gonna change my life and it's just another thursday
I keep having butterflies in my stomach throughout the week. Like I'll being going about my day, then I remember, or I get an appointment reminder (by the time it got to thursday there were three and it made me smile so big every time), and I get butterflies and it feels all so surreal again. I think part of me expects that I'll get there and it won't be real? Or they'll maybe turn me away?? I know they won't but I dunno. I've also always been like this though, I've moved so much, and everything is normal and business and usual and then I move and it's still fine and I'm going through the motions then it's not til like I'm THERE that it's like oh fuck I live somewhere else entirely else now. I moved three years ago, and still there's times when I go into my apartment and i'm hit with like a moment of Awareness i guess and I'm suddenly like holy shit I live here. I'm fully responsible for myself and this place, this is My Home. I don't live with my parents anymore, this is me. I make Decisions.
So y'know. It's fine
I got asked to take an extra shift at work, thursday is normally the start of my weekend, and I said no I have a doctor's appointment (and that was so fun to say for once and remember hehehe this is happening and it's TOMORROW) and anyway I eventually relented to taking a morning shift - I stressed so many times i had to be out by 11. I know eventually I'll have to tell them what's going on cause like the changes will be Perceived, but also for now I'm enjoying the little secret inside joke with myself
IT'S THURSDAY. IT'S TODAY. It's also an ungodly time, 5 fucking am, it was a mistake to take an extra morning shift. Money good, but I am so very tired and evil.
At least it was quiet/normal amounts of busy. And I got out before the lunch rush so I'll take it. There's still so much day ahead of me, it's only 11 am, i have 3 hours til my appointment and I'm Being Very Normal.
I also have new glasses now that I think make look kinda like a cartoon character, but it's fun
I'm the most colorfully dressed person here at the planned parenthood. I planned my outfit out so much cause it's like the whole meme of wearing a suit to whatever, except it's my favorite rainbow overalls and I feel like I;m a bit a parody of myself, but also like... idk man it feels right. It's also warm enough I can finally wear flip flops so wins all around
my nurse tech had meow wolf pins on her lanyard which was awesome, im taking this as another sign - one was even the one i had from going to the real unreal opening. they had to stick me twice to draw my blood cause my left arm wouldn't cooperate, but needles i guess just dont bother me as much as they used to which is something im actually really grateful for! idk when that changed or how or why, but im glad i can at least get stuck without having like a full panic or meltdown anymore!
^^^ that's gonna be real helpful, being chill about needles, since I have A REAL PRESCRIPTION NOW HOLY FUCK
i was giving zab updates the whole time and they asked me when my injection appointment was (again i love zab so much, they've been cheering me on this whole time, like that's not a SHOCK, but still oh my god idk what i did to deserve them), and I said i dont think i have one?? my appointment was actually pretty fast and easy - it was a lot of disclaimers and new patient info stuff, but yeah like they just gave me my prescription and a guide on how to inject yourself and said yeah you can go as soon as you pick it up, go at it! and zab described that was ah they're just letting you rawdog that and i thought that was really funny lmao
something about seeing an actual doctor note that says ON PAPER (or app, but whatever it's all doctor's notes) that i have dysphoria is weirdly huge for me?? i dunno why that warmed me, but that had me feeling a way like this isn't just me, this is Real
also screaming singing the trans lyrics in mama from mcr after your first hrt appointment is a fun experience 10/10 recommend lol
MY PRESCRIPTION IS READY!!! the place said it wouldn't be til friday after 4, BUT NO! IT'S A WHOLE FOUR HOURS EARLY
I HAVE TESTOSTERONE!!!!!!
Fae also now knows cause we were supposed to do our taxes together (like tradition) and I was already late to our video call cause I was picking up MY PRESCRIPTIOOOOON and i didn't wanna keep them waiting anymore so i said fuck it you wanna know a secret? im on t, im doing my t shot now. let's go brother, you and me. (their reaction was also wonderful, i love them very much)
the t shot itself was actually fine??? zab had said it wasn't too bad actually, but i was still kinda anxious and worried, but they were right it didn't actually even hurt. i did fuck it up a little tho lmaoooo (jumping to the end, some of it?? came out of it when i pulled the needle out?? so oops on that) but the biggest fuck up was i got the fucking 22 gauge fucking needle stuck on the syringe when i was drawing it into the syringe 🙃🙃i freaked out cause i couldn't get it off, fae was trying to help by looking up what to do, and anyway that's how i also came out that i started hrt to all my local in town friends cause i said hey i fucked up can someone who is strong get it off for me or at least lend me some pliers???? (the good news was a bit after that i did also get it off myself, and the smaller needle came off easy too so it's FINE i think i know what i did wrong, but oh my god this was a roller coaster for baby's first shot oh my GOD)
APPARENTLY I ALSO ACCIDENTALLY CAME OUT TO ZEYDA TOO CAUSE I FORGOT ZEYDA WAS ALSO IN GRIMM'S CHAT FUCK ME
it;s...... fine.... i had plans to do it personally over call, zeyda is very cool and kind, but i feel kinda bad now
it is saturday and i feel like i've been hit with a truck. that ?? was a great night of sleep, like i don't sleep well in general, but i slept super great last night, but OH MAN.... do i feel soooo fucking tired and foggy headed. like i feel floaty...? but also weirdly like i have energy in my joints. my joints are jelly and i could walk, but im also so sleepy and cant focus or think like at all? i tried playing some sims, but even that i couldn't do for super long, i am mush
i told my parents about this as well, and that's maybe been the only disappointment so far. their reaction wasn't BAD, but idk i guess i was expecting more? it's fine, my mom and i talked after so like it's genuinely not a problem, but yeah i dunno. just wanted more initial excitement from them too i guess.
i had dinner with friends, food helped a little with the whole no energy thing oops of course, but in general it was just nice seeing them
i just keep feeling so heavy and tired. and like i have a headache? but it doesn't like, hurt, it's just like. pressure. like i have a head and i sure can feel it. i know this is normal, im not worried, but it sure is here!
im not upset about it tho, it's like oh wow it's tired forever cause im hormones now!!! wow!!! ahhhhh!!!!
it's monday and i feel like i have brain again lol
im still tired, but i feel a bit more leveled at least, somewhat more normal. Something I've noticed is my knee isn't having as many problems??? like i can stand and walk and im having less pain in it which is pretty cool
i told the rest of my friends now, and im glad for it, i dont wanna keep dancing around this, i like sharing and wanna yell about all of this! especially with them, i love them all so dearly
after i told everyone (after break for waystation, shout out to waystation my beloved) diego told me to watch out for gundams. he basically said boys be shopping and gundams are a siren call for all men so beware. I feel like I'm on cloud 9
tuesday! four days after my first shot. something i've noticed is, at least so far, i've been less angry? work, particularly when it gets busy like it always does, i used to always be quick to getting so annoyed and mad cause i was just so overwhelmed with how busy it was. and like monday, it actually wasn't as busy a day. today it was normal levels of work and everything, and like sure i was still getting annoyed, especially cause like always i just take more calls than others and i KNOW i do, but like... it didn't feel as strong? i was still getting annoyed, but not getting so heated. it felt duller, less heavy than usual. idk if that's just a symptom of having no energy in general or the t itself, but i hope this stays. not being so angry at work everyday would be really nice. i like feeling like i don't have to maybe prepare for having yet another breakdown at work
and also some of the annoyance was on me - i started listening to the night circus audiobook today and shock and awe i got annoyed that work was interrupting my book when i was at work - but i mean, even when i was just sitting there, not listening to my book, getting back to back calls... like i handled it a lot better than i usually do. i know it's too early to tell, but seriously can't stress enough how much i hope this is a real actual change, just t leveling out my emotions and mood too please
#Dorian is on T#this is long ahaha oops#i was updating this one post over the past week but i finally told everyone that matters (and who checks tumblr) so!! i can post finally!#hrt#trans masc
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Whew, so here is the sequel to that one fic I wrote! I'm so glad I correctly predicted that the 'angry letter' wasn't such a big deal lmao and also that it was way more stressful for Anthony than for Ian.
Here is the link to part 1:
And here is a link to that one vine that suits this part of the story LMAO (it was shown to me by my former tumblr and irl bestie who I have sadly no contact with anymore T_T)
youtube
So here it goes...
"Ian, I'm so sorry, I feel so terrible".
"What do you mean?"
Anthony had to pinch himself every morning to check if he was truly awake or still in a blissful dream world. He and Ian were back together. And not only had they reconnected, but they had bought back Smosh! It was finally Anthony's and Ian's again. They had a great work schedule that they had set up themselves, and they also made it a point to just hang out together and enjoy life outside of Smosh. To be honest with himself, he loved the made-up time off-camera with Ian the most. They didn't have to go anywhere fancy: just chilling, just the two of them, was enough. How Anthony had gotten so lucky as to have that time with his again-best friend was beyond him.
And with great joy and happiness come great levels of stress and anxiety. Anthony knew himself well enough to acknowledge that he was freaking out even though he didn't have to. That his feelings did not care about any facts or numbers. They were raging inside him like a gut-wrenching scream - all the time. His nervous laughter, which everyone mistook for joy, pushed its way out over his lips like vomit. He hated that about himself. So easy to make laugh but so hard to actually make happy... there was only one person in the world who actually could do that second thing.
"Dude, it's okay, whatever it is, you're safe here, okay?"
The last couple of months, Anthony found himself yo-yoing between moments of true happiness and then paralyzing fear that it wasn't real or that it would go away again. And surely, one of the first few videos he and Ian did together already sent him spiraling again. What a ludicrous idea to show Ian his old diary.
"Anthony, you don't have to worry, okay?"
Ian's ability to make things alright had been both a blessing and a curse for their friendship in the past. He would focus so hard on the positive that Anthony would - temporarily - forget the bad stuff. So, on the one hand, Anthony really wanted Ian to know just how hurt he had been, all those years ago, and at the same time, he also wanted to gauge whether Ian had cared at all. He cared now, that was for sure. They had talked like never before. They had built an entirely new friendship on the ashes that lay beneath them. A stronger friendship, a more mature one, but he and Ian were still the same puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. So perfectly, in fact, that making sketches together felt like no time had passed at all between Anthony leaving Smosh and present day. But some remnants of Anthony's hurt feelings remained, and he just wanted to have complete closure. The only way to do that - he'd thought - was to read his angry diary-entry to his friend that he loved so dearly. How cruel. He had seen the hurt in Ian's eyes. Of course Ian had cared. Even more than Anthony had hoped for. He had considered him a best friend for years longer than Anthony had done.
"I don't want to lose you again".
Right now, he didn't want to look Ian in the eye again. He'd been so dumb. One of his old bad habits was manifesting itself once again: he was begging. Just like he had begged his ex-fiancée to get back together, only to be rejected, just like he had begged Ian all those years ago to force their friendship back to where he'd thought it should be, even though neither of them had been ready at that time... now he was begging once again. At his best friend's doorstep, no less. Ian had let him in, of course, but he probably wanted to do other things right now than console Anthony in the midst of a breakdown just as they both had bought their channel, their company back...
But two soft and familiar hands placed themselves around Anthony's face and turned it upwards. And two of the brightest blue eyes in the world looked at him with love.
"... and I will NEVER, never let anything come between us, ever again."
~
"So that was weird, huh!" Anthony let out a high-pitched laugh. It was a few days later, and he was at Ian's place once more. Ian had invited him to a celebration, just the two of them. It was early in the evening, and they were sat in Ian's pool and drinking champagne.
"Dude, it was just the nerves. I know how your nerves get, "Ian replied. "I was still stressing about all of this too, you know, we are in uncharted territory right now."
"Yeah, you're right." Another nervous laugh. Anthony was relieved, though, that Ian didn't think he was crazy or unstable or anything. He looked at his best friend. He was so fond of the 'new Ian', the one who had done serious personal growth, who - off camera - had apologized to him for more than had been necessary, the one who Anthony could really rely on and trust more than anyone, even his own girlfriend. He also loved that Ian was still as goofy, or maybe goofier than before even. He laughed now, truly and from the heart.
"What're you laughing about?" Ian said in his playful tone.
"Oh, I am just happy. But for real Ian, I'm so happy. This is so nice. And damn this champagne is goood."
"You better not be peeing in my pool again!"
"I might."
Ian laughed loudly, a laugh Anthony knew was only reserved for him. He felt proud and giddy that he still had it, the ability to make his best friend break out in laughter.
"So, Anthony, it's time for something special."
Ian got out of the pool. Anthony couldn't help but notice how Ian's body looked so different than when they were younger. Obviously, he had undergone a transformation himself, but he rarely saw Ian without a sweater or a shirt. He looked good.
"Are you coming or what?"
Anthony quickly stopped staring and joined Ian at his outside lounge chairs. Ian looked like he was up to something.
"So, you just wait right there, okay?"
"Sure."
Ian disappeared into his villa. Now Anthony felt slightly anxious again, that inner scream fighting to resurface once more, but he held it in. And soon enough, Ian appeared again, with a bottle of whiskey and a box that looked like some old-timey book or something.
"Oh, I see, we're going to really celebrate!"
"Yea-he-hess", Ian replied with a smile as he poured Anthony a small glass of whiskey.
"Do you usually smoke cigars though?" Anthony had to ask.
"No, babeyy, this is only for the most special of occasions!" Ian looked at him with a mischievous smirk and handed Anthony one of the cigars.
Anthony was about to put it into his mouth when he said: "why is this weirdly sexual?They both laughed. Anthony loved that Ian was still into the same dumb humor as he was. "Shut up and put it in your mouth!" Ian joked as he lit Anthony's cigar. The moment truly was intimate, and as he locked eyes with his best friend, Anthony felt a different kind of nerves swell up inside him. His cheeks turned dark-red.
"Dude, you're not supposed to suck in so much at once!" It was already too late. An intense tingling took over Anthony's senses, even after he burst out laughing at Ian's remark and almost choked coughing. "Wow, this is some good stuff," he said in a throaty voice.
The whiskey and the cigars kept Ian and Anthony talking deep into the night. The LA skyline was beautiful as they looked at it from Ian's garden. They were still in the lounge chairs, but Ian sat down next to Anthony on his chair, so they were sharing one seat.
"Listen up," he said, "we could have done this for a try not to laugh type video or some shit. But in the spirit of our friendship, I'm showing you now." Ian showed Anthony his phone screen. It was memes. They both laughed hysterically at the first few.
Anthony replied: "Some of these are really old but so good, I didn't even remember them until you showed them to me."
"Listen up," Ian said again - the whiskey bottle was significantly advanced - "I have been curating the absolute shite out of this list for years. Only if I had to physically laugh, no nasal or just grinning, I had to really laugh, THEN I added it. And I curated it specifically for you."
"You haven't shown anyone this?" Anthony said incredulously.
"No bitch, who else would laugh as much at dick jokes except you and myself?"
They were no longer smoking or drinking. They were just laughing at the memes. Anthony couldn't think of anything better than this. It felt so much like old times, it was incredible to him. He felt so warm and appreciated. He felt so at home. As his eyes got heavier, he let his head rest on Ian's shoulder. Not two moments later, he was fast asleep.
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diiary 2/25/2023
okayyy i been needing to write a longform post for a while! just to chronicle some thoughts in a cohesive way. & getting straight to the point: i'm realizing there is very little, if ANY payoff, to being an artist online. i'm not talking about money. im talking about the way it's like, the more ppl start to see you as an "artist", the more they feel like ur some kind of public figure they can lash out at w no repercussions. ur humanity is just wiped from their minds. i don't have some huge following by any means but for ME its gotten big since in the past i've been a serial deleter. usually at 800 followers im gone.
i love being creative & sharing for the sake of sharing but i deeply fear any kind of spotlight. since i came back onto tumblr i made the pledge to myself not to delete my account if it started growing but now im having second thoughts!! well i'll never delete this account cus im too sentimental but part of me just wants to stop posting in the ways i tend to do. like maube im too forthcoming & need to slink back into the shadows a bit. because i don't want to stop contributing art & music to the world but idk how to protect my heart.
like it's so crazy to me that artists are expected to b these idealistic icons of everything the viewer represents & if they make a single mistake its like fuck we better launch a pUBLIC HARASSMENT CAMPAIGN!! genuinely like, how are people supposed to want to put themselves out there when the climate is so hostile? it has got me feelin rly nihilistic i must admit. trying to put nice stuff into the world shld not be generating drama for me, especially when it's just my hobby & not even my "career".
for a while ive had no idea what to do for work or how to generate income in a way that works for me but honestly? im gonna bite the bullet & do some coding bootcamps so i can try n get a remote job doing some tech shit & making a fat salary. i guess i never rly considerd it before cus all the silicon valley stuff susses me out but idk. im naturally really good at code + my only real dream in life is to be able to support others & redistribute wealth. like ive never had anything of my own to share but if i could actually do this & become the secure+charitable person i wish to be, i think i cld finally have some inner peace/sense of fulfillment. plus i cld still be a recluse ^_^
ok well i guess that my diary entry for now. im rly grateful to everyone on this site who is genuine & respectful towards me. i am really enjoying all my creative projects right now & i just dont want it to ever stop being fun just because the internet doesnt want it to be fun for me. i seriously wonder why artists are the number one targets right now, i mean not to get too conspiratorial but like, this is exactly what the CIA wants :/ wahtever....i have no agenda other than plur. but yeah, i might just start to distance myself more from posting anything other than my work. we'll see. just kno that i dnt want it to b this way. ilu guys
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My name is Emily, and tomorrow is my last day in this body.
Ever since Engramicon developed a way to upload a person's consciousness to a world wide server as an engram, I've imagined what it would be like to have limitless freedom in a virtual world. Now I can't seem to get over everything I'm leaving behind; my daughter Sarah, grandson Alex, and my cat Luffy. I've lived 59 long years in this world, worked hard for everything I have. Now Engramicon gets the rest of my life. Apparently there is a way to talk to people still in the real world, but I'm still leaving my entire life behind.
At first only terminally ill people and whoever could afford the charges were uploaded. but last year a new law was passed, that anyone 60 years or older must be uploaded to preserve our worlds dwindling resources. now it's my turn.
Originally, people were outraged when The Upload was made mandatory and people realized we were losing the ends of our lives, but before long, most people were on board with the idea. The appeal of looking exactly how you want, and being able to go anywhere at any time is undeniable, but will it ever feel real? Will I ever feel the sun on my face again?
I'm on my way to visit Dr. Harper, the lead psychologist who oversaw development of The Upload. Hopefully he can help calm my nerves, I just can't understand how I can still be me if I'm just data on a hard drive. I'll be gone long before Alex even takes his first steps. Looking out the window of my taxi, I can see the building where I was first hired, the coffee shop where I wrote all of my articles, and the courthouse where I adopted Sarah. I still remember when I came to this city, a young woman with nothing but my car and dreams in my head. Back then being uploaded to a computer was still the stuff of science fiction, I never dreamed I would be a part of it.
I started working as a journalist, mostly covering stories n one would hear , and certainly nothing I cared about, but eventually I became a tech journalist, and was assigned the job of reporting on development of The Upload. in early testing, entire engrams went missing. others were corrupted beyond recognition. By the time they began human trials, all of the major bugs had been ironed out, but they still had issues.
After closing her diary, Emily stepped out of the taxi, and with a deep breath, and a final look over her shoulder to make sure she remembered the only world she's ever known. in the distance she saw storm clouds looming, but the sun was still shining, children still laughed in the park across the street, and as always, the sounds of life in the city never ended. With the reassurance that the world was going nowhere, she pushed through the double doors to Dr. harpers office.
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my year in review (data/stats/numbers)
this year, mental illness kicked my ass until it didn't (when fabba came back), and then about a week ago, it started kicking my ass again. i wish i had spent more of the year escaping into art. 2023 was the first year in a while, i feel, that has had this low numbers.
part of that is because my special interest in the 2000s emo scene was reawakened by fob's return, so much of my year was spent re-obsessing over them. rediscovering a bunch of music that made me happy ages 12-15, a time period full of suicidal ideation. my suicidal thoughts and impulses were slain, once again, by the fabbaboos like champions in an arena. 'are you not entertained?' and all that.
(the only 're-'s i am counting are film re-watches, so no album re-listens are counted in that. so a bunch of the stuff i did this year is not being counted! i actually listened to a lot more music than i have catalogued here, i just don't personally log re-listens in my physical media log, so they aren't counted here.)
another part of this is that i spent so much of the year working on my own projects, working on myself, and trying to manage my mental illnesses. i quit drugs and wanting to kill myself! i'm learning spanish! i'm graduating in a few months! this is not an apology; i just prefer to do a lot more stuff to distract me from all the horribleness in my life </3.
this is a (hopefully) complete-ish log of stuff i did this year bc i like number and data and keeping logs because i have an intense, immense fear of lack of permanence/forgetting/losing things because i have lost and forgotten so much stuff in my life 😁😁😁
this is going to get long, so i'm putting it under a cut.
movies watched: 54
top 10 best movies, loosely ranked best to worst:
the revenge of frankenstein (1958) (re-watch) (5 stars)
moustachette (2009) (re-watch) (5 stars)
a field in england (2013) (5 stars)
barbie (2023) (5 stars)
the curse of frankenstein (1957) (re-watch) (5 stars)
spider-man: across the spider-verse (2023) (5 stars)
how to get ahead in advertising (1989) (5 stars)
field of dreams (1989) (5 stars)
the boy and the heron (2023) (4.5 stars)
withnail & i (1987) (4.5 stars)
die hard (1988) (4.5 stars)
honorable mentions: akira (1988), his girl friday (1940), juno (2007), guardians of the galaxy vol. 3 (2023), a clockwork orange (1971)
top 5 worst films, loosely ranked worst to best:
black jack (1981) (2 stars)
lust for a vampire (1971) (2 stars)
some may live (1967) (3 stars)
renfield (2023) (3 stars)
men at work (1990) (3 stars)
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i don't really watch that much television, so i'm not logging it here. i did watch a bunch of tv, but not enough to really warrant a wrapped.
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books read: 7 (+3 issues of do a powerbomb) (+ part of great expectations by charles dickens, but i haven't finished it yet 🥰)
ranked, best to worst:
gray by pete wentz, james montgomery (4.5 stars)
landline by rainbow rowell (4.5 stars)
the last command by timothy zahn (4.5 stars)
the secret diary of laura palmer by jennifer lynch (4 stars)
attachments by rainbow rowell (4 stars)
specter of the past by timothy zahn (3.5 stars)
do a powerbomb by daniel warren johnson (first three issues, 3.5 average stars)
death star by steve perry, michael reaves (2 stars)
*
i still haven't received my spotify wrapped in full because it won't load all the way through, so that is going to have to wait. but i am an album listener through and through, so here are some album stats!
i'm only counting albums that are new to me/i previously hadn't listened to all the way through, so this doesn't count re-listens :/
this also IS counting eps.
albums listened to: 29
top 10 albums, best to worst:
soul punk (2011) by patrick stump (5 stars)
so much (for) stardust (2023) by fall out boy (5 stars)
purple rain (1984) by prince (5 stars)
hot mess (2009) by cobra starship (5 stars)
transgender dysphoria blues (2014) by against me! (5 stars)
can't buy a thrill (1972) by steely dan (5 stars)
like vines (2006) by the hush sound (5 stars)
bleed american (2001) by jimmy eat world (5 stars)
this is why (2023) by paramore (4.5)
flamboyant (2019) by dorian electra (4.5 stars)
honorable mentions: where sleeplessness is rest from nightmares (2001) by arma angelus; the land is inhospitable and so are we (2023) by mitski; old world underground, where are you now? (2003) by metric; phantomime (ep) (2023) by ghost; sempiternal (2013) by bring me the horizon
loosely ordered, non-exhaustive 10 of my favorite new-to-me songs:
fake out by fall out boy
run dry (x heart x fingers) / cryptozoology by patrick stump
love from the other side by fall out boy
thick skull by paramore
so much (for) stardust by fall out boy
allie by patrick stump
bleed american by jimmy eat world
i would die 4 u by prince (there would be more prince on this list, but i had listened to much of purple rain already, so!)
you're not in on the joke by cobra starship
to feel no more bitterness forever by arma angelus
*
personal project wrapped!
poems: 37
the bc wip: 6146 words (daily writing streak not broken since i started it 😁)
the mi wip: 836 words
the epdb wip: 1697 words
other stuff: ???
i've written too many songs/scraps of songs to count those.
*
10 favorite real world things + stuff i'm grateful/proud that happened:
got hardcore back into fall out boy !
saw fall out boy live !
saw ghost live !
sobered up and became straight edge !
overcame suicidal urges (kinda) !
have been learning how to read music and play piano better !
went to the pmu !
read 'gray' by pete wentz !
curbed my righteous anger / learned to cope with anger better !
have been learning spanish !
honorable mentions: learning to be a better friend, have been keeping up a writing streak with the bc wip + haven't missed a single day since i started, started the mi wip, have been putting myself out there more, doing things scared, writing a shit ton of poetry + sharing it, got clandestine merch, keeping to my dietary restrictions, recovering from onychotillomania!
#myevilposts#not my goofy ass putting fabba over maturing as a person on my personal achievement section !#fundamental me lore tag#suicide tw#for the mentions.
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Bathilda Bagshot nee Grindelwald
It had been a week since Gellert’s arrival at Godric’s Hallow, time which he had spent mostly locked up in his old room, only coming out to eat and use the bathroom. The realization of this not being a dream, nor memories, or some obscure circle of hell, was hard to digest at best and mind-numbingly confusing at worst. After that talk and crying session, which he wasn't proud of in the slightest, he didn't sleep at all, and for three days all he could do was stare bewildered at the ceiling, sitting sprawled out on the small bed in the small room he called now his own. It was just as bland as he remembered it, but this time the sight was actually comforting- simple white walls, a big window, a wooden desk right under it, a bed big enough for two scrawny teens, a dresser, and a small bookshelf. He had shoved his trunk under the bed before plopping on the soft mattress. Once his mind finally caught up with his situation, he began writing in an empty notebook. Wrote everything he remembered from his ‘old’ life, as he called it now, then everything he was supposed to know in this ‘new’ one; stuff like don't do magic away from Tilly’s house or the twelve uses of dragon blood haven't been discovered yet. He noted down all the small things he could think of that would make him look odd if he let them slip. It took him another three days to accomplish this. At some point, he thought about starting a diary as well, but he swiftly rejected the idea.
On the seventh day since his arrival, he finally ventured into the living room, picking up books to read. Mostly books written by his aunt. Writing in that little notebook made him realize just how little he knew about her- he had never shown interest in her work or her life but he supposed he could start now, new chance and all that. That’s where Bathilda found him later that day, curled up on the couch, completely engrossed in her latest edition of “Hogwarts: A History”.
“Found anything interesting to read?” she sat down next to him, smiling softly. She was starting to like this new side of him, even if his little self-isolation had worried her.
“Ah, ist nur… it's just … you have a nice writing style. It's a shame to have a writer around and not read their stuff, right?” Gellert smiled at her sheepishly, waving the book in the air.
“Interesting style, you say…. I'm glad you like what I write. Where did you get at?”
“Uh…. currently there’s a passage about a…room of requirement? Why does this place sound so much better than Durmstrang?”
Bathilda laughed. He loved it when she did it, she instantly appeared several decades younger, more carefree, and happy. Suddenly he remembered the photographs.
“Actually, scratch that. Uh….” He was stuttering again. “Ah, I wanted to…I wanted to ask you. When I came here. Um- weißt du… ja, yeah-” Why can't I talk like a normal person, for fuck’s sake?!
“What’s on your mind, Schatz?” she looked at him expectantly, but without any judgment.
“I-I don't want to overstep but…..but, um,” he took a deep breath. “Why aren’t you married? You're brilliant- surely you could've found someone…?”
He instantly regretted ever speaking as Bathilda's face darkened. Her gaze fell down to her hands, fidgeting with her empty ring finger. For a long moment, they just stood in silence, neither daring to speak first. Gellert looked at her with concern and slight fear- was she gonna explode on him? Yell? Throw him out? He didn't know what he would do if the one person in his life who loved him unconditionally, suddenly hated him just because he couldn't keep his mouth shut.
“I…don't like to think about it, but i was married once. It was a long time ago though, surely you ain’t interested in some old woman’s tales.” her tone was grave, like he'd never heard before, and without thinking about it, reached his hand to hold hers.
“I…am interested in knowing you , Tante. If you're comfortable sharing, that is.”
The boy’s soft voice caught her off guard and a small smile broke the tension on her face.
“What do you say if I were to tell you over some tea?”
He nodded and they got up, changing the scenery to that of the quaint kitchen. Gellert sat at the table while Bathilda turned the stove on. Doing such simple things the muggle way…it seemed so strange to the young wizard. He was about to comment on it but she might as well have read his mind, for she spoke first.
“Doing stuff with your own hands might seem pointless, but there's a certain satisfaction coming from it…and a sense of peace. It's never good to be overly dependent on magic, mark my words.”
“I see,” he answered quietly, observing her hands rapidly preparing everything for the perfect tea: mincing mint leaves- she always said it helped get the flavor out- adding sugar to the boiling water, grounding cinnamon.
“I was 15. My father wasn't satisfied with having a still-maiden daughter that old. It just didn't look good, you know? Others my age already had children, but i was more interested in books. One day he had enough of me ‘wasting away’ and convinced a random British gentleman that I would be perfect for him. I knew no word in English at the time, couldn't understand what they were talking. Next thing I knew I was…I was in a wedding dress. Beautiful it was, extravagant and imposant. Almost fit for royalty. Father had never given out so much gold for me before.”
Gellert listened carefully, half wanting to feel sorry for her, half wanting to be utterly disgusted with his grandfather. Perhaps it was alright to feel both.
“What about Vater?”
“Your father didn't give two shits, to be blunt. He was glad to have me gone and all the gold and prestige promised to him. He always harbored a deep hatred for me, even as children. How much of it was our father’s influence, however, I don't know nor care anymore.”
She dropped everything in the boiling water.
“The man brought me to England. Had a pretty mansion right in London. He didn't care for me, at least not enough. I was in a foreign land, surrounded by people speaking a language I could understand….and take this- he had been married once already, and still lived with his ex. To say she hated me was an understatement. Apparently, she thought he left her for me when really he took me on a whim. I spent the next 3 years with them until she left with another man. Then it was just the two of us and the house elves. The moment she left he seemed to have forgotten all about my existence. Wouldn't even greet me, avoided me even.”
“That’s just horrible…he was a total arse.”
Bathilda chuckled at the boy's remark.
“Indeed he was. After another two years, I couldn't stand it anymore. I managed to learn the language on my own as best as I could but never spoke to anyone- he always kept me inside. I killed him.”
His eyes threatened to jump out of their sockets. How can she speak so casually about this? Tante Tilly killed someone in cold blood…
“No way… w-what did you do then?” he couldn't help his curiosity, even faced with this morbid truth- hadn't he killed thousands? Why did it feel so much more taboo to have his aunt do it too? Maybe because she was always so sweet and kind and gave the impression that she could never hurt a fly…
“I ran away. Got all his gold and took the first carriage I saw. The ministry only saw me as a poor scared widow…gave me everything he owned since I was, by marriage, his only family. The carriage left me here, in this little town that was still a village back then.”
She poured the tea into the cups. As if sensing his next question, she continued:
“They never check for muggle poisons.”
She handed him the steaming cup.
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project that I’m working on but busy + GSA headcanon Part 2 as an update ^^
Nonsurat voice changer has a deep male voice that sounded masculine in mask only so nobody not even the male puffballs is going to give her suspicions of her being a female and has a bag before becoming a knight herself. But sings really sweet as a head-canon like a siren I would say ( it gives me Mulan vibes ) When it comes to her human version and I know this is going to be different but it's like Mulan version but slightly different so she didn't cut her hair or anything like that but a puts on the bald cap so her hair doesn't get in the way and she has a binder on her so NME and his monsters doesn't see her as a female but a male as I mentioned about the voice changer to her mask only. When it comes to the comic ( current working on ) and be know that it will be heavy topic to share with the backstory and she has a secret diary where she talks about her feelings being an opposite gender and how it was like. She has her childhood pictures that she took that has her childhood book
Female puffballs abilities were ability to teleport and run like an animal as soon they attack with their claws with the evil eyes on it but I’m thinking what happened to them is that they either have memorial lost or smt that NME tells them what to do as a deep monster voice instead of their real voices
Dragato parents are very supportive to their own son and well caring of his dreams and protect everyone
Other knights besides Nonsurat like Dragato was a freelancer? and Falspar just doing computer stuff or smt and Arthur would maybe have been helping his father (or mother) building the GSA and Meta Knight maybe like a librarian or smt. Before joining the GSA. :0
I would say Meta Knight was made from NME and was considered as a mistake to NME and was gonna use him to fight the warriors out there
Falspar sees Dragato as strong and very serious later on become friends when they are in the GSA longue when they first met and Dragato sees him as a goof ball and very like childish at first.
Garlude well she grew up in the royal family and in my headcanon she could be related to Princess Rona cuz of the gem I would say this maybe and her joining to the GSA that she will do anything to protect her family even her daughter Sirica as well. Closet friend to Nonsurat cause they are both females and considered herself a strong women
Jecra He’s a fun dad who cares about his son a lot more then anything well he willing to teach his son how to fight someday as soon he gets older to watch him grow til monsters came and has to do what’s to protect his son and family. As well he considered GSA as family
Yamikage well I’m guessing he got his red eyes from NME cause he was controlled by him and I’m guessing he didn’t join NME but proved everyone wrong who hurt him as what his father has said so yea
Again not sure if freelancer exist back in medieval times but going to be a mixture with the 80’s theme.
Stuff that I will be pretty much busy working on
⬇️
Times before Kirby
Arthur - My father was a Star Warrior
Nonsurat - Inner Self: Reflection
Meta Knight - Abandonment?
Falspar - ???
Dragato - ???
Glass stained GSA knights with star warriors
Kirby anime characters as gijinka
GSA knights as gijinka version again lol
, sketches and other stuff
Little sneak peak on Sir Arthur backstories on his half sisters he doesn't just have one he has 3 I may or may not be familiar with King Arthur thing but he has three half sisters Morgause, Elaine, and Morgan ( this will be my AU).
Morgan - is a powerful and ambiguous enchantress
Elaine - identified as "The Grail Maiden" or "Grail Bearer"
Morgause - the mother of Gawain and Mordred
I wonder these half sisters were captured too by NME and were corrupted
Plus a foster brother name Sir Kay who he grew up with Arthur all his life
- Mercy :)
#galaxy soldier army#not fanart#kirby right back at ya#sir nonsurat#kirby of the stars#star warriors#kirby#sir lancelot#sir dragato#sir percival#sir arthur#sir falspar#sir meta knight#headcanon#bored to write smt lol#kirby gsa#kirby headcanons#kirby fandom#more headcanons#going to be busy with comic stuff for nonsurat during this month as well with other stuff#upcoming comic#mercy illustrator#mercy fanfic#mercy boredom post#no art today#rambles#art block#garlude#jecra#yamikage
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