#aNYWAY my crippling mental health aside WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING HERE

[fastrainbowdas]

Adding onto your recent meta about the Pregames, one line stuck out to me. Where you said for the pregames that are supposed to be 'real people' they sure feel a lot more like caricatures. I'm really glad you brought up this point, especially considering the Pregames are supposed to represent the Danganronpa fandom, which is us. I feel like the understand the Pregames better, you need to world-build a little bit as to what their 'outside world' is like. It's heavily dubious what Tsumugi said about the outside world being peaceful and non-violet. With how people people were willing to sign away their lives so easily, the pregames feel more like su//c//dal teens that need a fuck ton of therapy. Many people in the 'real' DR fandom (at least from whom I met) have many personal issues that cripple their mental health and make them turn to fiction as a escape from their harsh life. I mean.........who hasn't thought "I wish I could live in that fictional world?" before?

The Pregames are really supposed to represent us, the Danganronpa fandom. So it actually makes me greatly concerned that people would 'self-project' the 'accepted fanon' of Pregame Shuichi being a sadistic yandere, Pregame Kaede being a nihilistic bully, Pregame Kokichi being a uwu femboy cinnamon bun, etc. It really does come to show that people would put shipping characters into a trope rather than using these pregames as their self-projection canvases

And while everyone in the Danganronpa fandom isn't the same, no version of the pregames have to be either. There's many pregame stories on Ao3, which has probably influenced and encouraged the misconceptualizing of the pregames. I understand that none of them have a canon personality, and since Ingame Saimatsu and Saiouma can never happen canonically, people will turn to the pregame AU to make it happen the way they want it. Then again, it is totally okay to write whatever an author wants, but it does take away good character discussion when the Pregames are boiled down to *insert name's* love intersted

Anyways, sorry for rambling. But yeah, here is my two cents about your essay. Great thoughts and I appreciated reading that very much as a pregame V3 enthusiast

I'm so sorry but you sent this to the wrong person SNGJFDNSZFDJVFGNJDNVJS

@hello-kitty-shuichi-saihara This is for you

But ya I do agree that the pregame characters are supposed to represent us. And deciding the characters' personalities based on tropes and shipping only is really funny when you can just Go Replay The Prologue and see the character is Nothing Like That Trope

Like, in the prologue Kokichi asks reasonable questions very clearly which is very different from uwu stuttering "pwease dont huwt me" fanon pregame Kokichi (Who probably would've been silent tbh). Kaede has a bit of a temper (and so does ingame Kaede) but is still nice to people around her (Shuichi is the obvious one) which. Y'know, if she was the popular bully girl like in fanon she probably would've insulted absolutely everyone without hesitation right? But she doesn't. Yandere Shuichi (Like, unironically) straight up squicks me? Because the way I see it, people decided he's like that because of his audition tape. Like, good job guys, you took a guy ranting about his kinda fucked up interest and decided he's a homicidal maniac who obsesses over Danganronpa and his uwu soft boyfwiend who needs pwotection at all costs. I'm flabbergasted that people don't realize what picture they're painting of themselves, since they're also Danganronpa fans, but aside from that... As someone who also rants abt their interests like that it just. I hate it DJKSANKJDSNFANFDJS

These characters are a lot more similar to their ingame selves than people give them credit for haha

#DRV3 #Thats it for my opinion no one asked for #I think the pregames are Neat #even if I don't think abt them all that often

[gulflaren]

missing youuu fatima! hope everything is alright

mwah!!!!! thank you for being concerned. it’s really sweet and made me smile <3333 everything is not alright which is why i disappeared but it’s whatever… WE MOVE

#i’ve missed this place so much #what’s been happening #i feel like i’ve probably missed so many gates #i was just not feeling it mentally #i’m still not #but i’m officially back and ready to yell about cars #aNYWAY my crippling mental health aside WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING HERE #i feel so lost #fatima answers #sOMEone give me a little recap of what i’ve missed

[nightwideeyes]

2020 review

do we really wanna do this? I’m not sure but god knows I need it.

shout out to 2016 me for starting this. I’ll compare it afterwards and see how many steps I’ve taken back

okay okay all jokes aside

all the bad shit that happened, all my thoughts, all my feelings

this is 2020 in retrospect, so buckle up and join me on the ride

see, I was pretty hopeful for this year because I spent half of 2019 in a toxic relationship which I deeply and passionately regret with all my heart because it took a toll on my mental health. The rest of 2019 I spent recovering from self hate and anxiety

so I went into 2020 with a fresh start fever thinking this is the year that will change things

but the anxiety didn’t really leave. throughout january i was rather okay, euphoric about the new year. at the end of february my anxiety got worse and i was overthinking a lot, started being tense a lot etc etc

then march the absolute avalanche introduced herself. miss rona. i don’t want to whine about how shit the pandemic is, how terrible it hit us all because it certainly hit people a lot harder than me but still, it’s not nice, its annoying and frustrating and can mess with someones head enough

so during march and april my anxiety was on peak levels. i was constantly mad, upset or nervous and had to spent my time in homeschool, having no distraction whatsoever

i spent a lot of time outside in the forest and discovered new magical places where I could find some peace and thats where I’ve been hiding away during may, becoming part of nature, finding back to my old self somehow

on my birthday the 11th I was feeling well, I was content and happy and thought shit would be alright again

but the day after I came home from school and received the message that my fathers cancer was back after 10 years. although I’ve pretended like it wasn’t all hopeless and things would be alright again I think it hit me the hardest this year. it’s been the starting point of me confronting myself once again with the thought of him dying, of leaving us behind, of me having all the responsibility of what he would leave us. of going through the struggle again, of going to hospitals again, of seeing him vanish again. it was devastating.

in may I attended an assessment center for a job I wanted to do with all my heart and felt so confident and strong that I could do it

but in june I received a letter of rejection and had to write myself in for another year of school because i didn’t really have an alternative

meanwhile my dads treatment got rescheduled again and again until june and he had his operation on the day I wrote my second final

so unknowingly and unnoticeably i was put under so much pressure of one unfortunate event following the next and it felt like I was just supposed to function when I didn’t want to function anymore

but these times ended and I wrote my fucking finals, passed them, celebrated a bit and my father recovered too, like we all had hoped anyway but didn’t know for sure

so summer had been the best time. although there were still restrictions on public life me and my friends had so much fun together and did amazing things and I think we just grew closer from the creativity of coming with ways to spent time with each other without having to go out much

i was doing a lot of yoga, a lot of mental self care during summer, watching atla, spending time trying to get in touch with my body and soul and I discovered some good music that helped me find myself and develop myself

at this point I would like to thank

5 seconds of summer; for making me realize that deep in my heart I will forever be teenage me stuck in my emo phase and that’s how I feel most comfortable

Upsahl; for reminding me that I’m a bad bitch who doesn’t need anyone or anything to be happy with herself

Yungblud, for reminding me its okay not to be okay and that broken people stand up for themselves and are strong together

and Blackpink, mostly for giving me more reasons to simp for cute girls

in august i was working for two weeks at a factory to earn some money and although I’ve been there before this time it’s just been hard. I felt really stupid and not taken seriously by the staff and I think that’s when I was getting anxious again, feeling very stupid and very unable to do anything right

from the anxiety starting in august it went into september with me. I started a new school year, gave this weird boy a ride to school two times before I scared him off for some reason (maybe because I was giving him badass lesbian vibes as I was playing Use Me by PVRIS in my car constantly) and was quarantined on the second day of school bc of our english teacher

in september my dad was submitted into the hospital a second time and we thought he had gotten worse again but this time it was a result of too much mental pressure. i was stressing into that again, thinking of ways I could help him with his responsibilities and worries.

the rest of september I spent in this weird state of perpetual tension and kind of continued it into october

on the fourth of october I went to Lehesten all by myself and I felt so proud and accomplished and I realized that I don’t need anyone to feel better but myself. so I went on some more field trips in october, enjoying some me time and some peace of mind, getting back into the bands I was listening to as a teen, recalling the times I felt free with myself

in november I was living off post human survival horror and felt so careless yet free of all of my worries, feeling numb but content

so until december there have been pecks of anxiety here and there but I’ve spent the fall months rather well, mentally

now december started well but the anxiety has increased again and now it’s been on moderate levels

but nonetheless I’m getting through day by day and I hope I will reach the state of carelessness again in order to collect my thoughts

so although 2020 has been a year of disappointment, hurt, fear and way too many thoughts and worries I would like to move onto the point of this list which might help me move on further

2020 positivity

a collection of things I've learned, I am grateful for and what I've experienced and done all year which I am proud of

- I've been more open and confident about my sexuality than ever before

- I've been spending so much time outside getting inspired

- I've been creative

- I've been writing the most honest and uplifting poetry ever since I started

- I've self printed and binded a poetry collection of my past and the sorrows that came with it to help overcome it

- I've started drawing again, started yoga and meditation and enhanced my spirituality, I've picked up the guitar again

- I've graduated 12th grade with an average of 1.6

- I've started 13th grade with crippling fear of failing and got used to it after a month and appreciated the challenge

- I've dealt with a big disappointment and learned that when one door closes a new one opens somewhere else

- I've learned what it means to support each other as a family but also when it's time to step back and distance yourself to protect yourself when you can't help anymore

- I've been getting in touch with the most free and careless version of myself

- I've rediscovered my love for old music I used to listen to

- I've learned that I don't need anyone to do what makes me happy

- I've learned to appreciate my friends more than ever for being my light and support

so although this year was full of disappointment and hurt and fear and worries it helped me grow

throughout this year I have been the bravest, strongest, most honest and authentic version of myself

I do not have any hopes for 2021. I just want to continue growing the roots I have dug for myself now. I want to continue blooming into the person I've strived to become all these years

I want to grow and continue blooming. I want to continue becoming the version of myself that makes me feel content about myself. But I also want to know I am valuable and whole at any time.

I want to overcome this anxiety and I want to be free of fear again.

so this is me manifesting it.

I will grow and I will continue blooming. I will continue becoming the version of myself that makes me feel content about myself. I am valuable and whole at any time. And I will overcome this anxiety and I will be free of fear again. I will not be afraid anymore. I will be clear again.

Ich werde keine Angst mehr haben, ich werde wieder klar sein.

#personal #2020 review #2020 positivity #growth #i guess

[dyde21]

Soulmates

@mooshie05 Had submitted a request to me that had been bouncing around my head! Basically everyone has a soulmate, and before you meet them you share their physial pain. I tweaked it slightly to fit better with what I had in my head, I hope that’s okay! (Also because the idea of someone just bleeding randomly terrified me and brought far too many logistical problems for my tired butt to deal with.) Anyway, a little short but I hope you enjoy!

XxXxXxXxX

Annabeth was pretty sure that if she wouldn't absolutely love her soul mate, she'd hate him. Clearly the whatever God there was must have had a sense of humor when designing their world. Yes, everyone in the world was born with a soulmate. Someone who'd be your other half, someone you'd live happily with as long as no accidents happened. Someone who could quiet your demons, and stoke your flames. Someone that would show you home wasn't a place, but a person. Sounds wonderful, right? The only problem was the first way you learned about them was through pain. Yes, before someone met their soulmate they had a connection. Unfortunately it wasn't some romantic longing or feeling. No, it was whenever your partner was bruised, cut, scarred or injured, you would feel a ghost of their pain.

Most of the time it wasn't that big of a deal. Occasionally there'd be some pain, enough to make you worry about them, and feel relieved when they healed knowing they were out there somewhere living their life.

Of course sometimes the worst happened. A soulmate died before you ever met them, or was in a horrible accident. It was an utterly tragic event, and physical pain aside, the emotional pain crippled a person. Years of therapy were often required to help the person cope with the loss of an unknown half of their being, and sometimes they never recovered. Luckily it wasn't as common as it could be thankfully.

It was something most people feared, but for some reason Annabeth didn't really fear that.

No, her soulmate seemed so determined to find ways to hurt himself, he was clearly to stubborn to die. She knew absolutely nothing about him, other than the fact he was clearly living some sort of fun life. It was a rare day that she woke up without some phantom ache or pain. Some reminder that “Hey! I'm your soulmate, I'm out here, and I'm a dumb ass!”

As annoying as it was, it was something Annabeth had learned to get kind of used to. She had also put a lot of thought into it, wondering if she could piece together what kind of person her soulmate was, so she could seek him out, meet him to end the dreaded pain sharing, then kick his butt for putting her through so much.

But despite all the time she spent thinking about it, the best guess she could come up with was some sort of sport. The injures were always the knees, elbows, ankles, and butt. Not the usual suspects for someone who got into a lot of fights, or someone seeking pain. No, those seemed like the normal signs of some athletic kid with no concern for his own safety, or seemingly hers.

Why couldn't he be like her? She very rarely was injured on her own. Never broken a bone, never been in a fight, never even really had a bad accident. Surely she was the perfect soulmate for someone.

Once she had complained to her dad about it, and he had just smiled and said “Bear with it. No one knows what to expect, but once you meet them you'll appreciate having known they were a part of your life the whole time. Plus it'll give you a conversation starter.” He had said with a laugh. So Annabeth didn't really talk to her dad about it again, deeming him a little too unhelpful.

In the end, she tried to listen to her family and friend's advice. Just try and bear with it, and look forward to the day her patience is rewarded. Though she had to admit it got more difficult as her friends all met theirs. Piper met a boy named Jason when they were 15. Her neighbor Will met a boy named Nico not long after. Hazel met Frank early, back when they were both 13. Her friend Leo had even found his partner in a girl named Calypso. That had cemented just how powerful the soulmate connection was in her mind. Leo had always been a bit eccentric, yet he had found a wonderful girlfriend and they seemed particularly happy together.

Even Annabeth was willing to admit that she might be a little jealous. Piper said it was cause she's always studying in libraries that “Of course you haven't met him. He's having fun, you should try it sometime.”. Annabeth just brushed that off though. Surely her soul mate in life would also love libraries right? Sure he got injured often, but he must spend a decent amount of time reading her like, right? That was what she told herself at least.

The one thing Annabeth never expected to feel was worry when the pain stopped. At first she shrugged it off, relieved that she had gone a month without dealing with some kind of pain.

Around a month and a half she began to feel a little nervous. Was everything okay with him? She had no way of knowing, and just chalked it up to the change. She was never particularly fond of change anyway. She liked permanent things.

At three months, she was downright terrified. Had something happened? It wasn't like the pain had completely stopped cold. There was still the odd pain in her foot from a stubbed toe, or the ghost of a small knick from something sharp. But the usual echoes of pain were gone. Did something major happened? It couldn't have. She'd have known if anything physical had happened. Was he okay? Was he depressed? Honestly, she felt a little silly worrying about the mental health of someone she never met and literally has only caused pain for her. Then again, he was her soul mate so it was to be expected.

At about five months without any of the usual pain, Annabeth was seriously trying to figure out a plan to find him. The tiny echoes of pain she had felt let her know she hadn't met him yet, but now both her curiosity and her concern were burning together in her, making a powerful combination.

When she felt pain flare up in her knees, elbows, butt, and shoulder she almost let out a few tears of relief. It was weird, she never thought she'd be relieved to feel pain. He was back at it. Doing whatever it was he did.

“Dude, are you okay? That was nasty.” A voice called out from somewhere nearby.

Annabeth froze in place. Surely that was just a coincidence.

“I'm fine!” A voice replied.

The sound sent a ripple through her body, it felt like a switch inside her had been turned on. Like gears that had been misaligned slipped into place. Her mind kicked into overdrive and her heart was pounding. That voice. She knew she had never heard it before, but it felt so natural. Like it was a voice she had heard her whole life. It was the only voice she wanted to hear. Dropping her backpack, she turned and took off in a dead sprint towards the source of that voice.

It was him.

IT WAS HIM.

IT WAS HIM!

She knew it. From the bottom of her soul, she knew it.

Shoving past a tall blonde she vaguely recognized at Piper's soul mate, she froze. Her eyes locked with a boy on the ground, rubbing the back of his head nervously.

The boy was tall and lean, decked out in jeans and a flannel, a skateboard overturned near him. Some small part of Annabeth's mind registered the fact a skater made perfect sense, and she was a little annoyed she hadn't pieced it together before. His eyes mesmerized her, and she instantly knew she could stare at them for hours.

“Hello?” She managed to choke out, still in shock from everything in her life sliding into place.

The boy visibly reacted to her voice as his jaw dropped as if he was feeling the same thing she was. He was feeling the same thing she was.

“What's your name?” Was all he said, slowly standing up.

“Annabeth Chase.” She replied automatically as she took in his standing form. Memorizing all the little details, the way he rested his weight heavily on one foot, had only one hand in a pocket, his hat on just a little too crooked to be intentional.

“I'm Percy Jackson.” He answered her unspoken question, still studying her.

“Have you met... your soul mate?” He asked, a clear nervousness in his voice.

Nodding, Annabeth felt tears annoyingly creeping up into the corner of her eyes. She had always told herself she wouldn't be one of those girls who cried when meeting their partner. But it was just such a relief. “I think I just did.”

Hesitantly Percy took a step forward, prompting her to as well. A second later and they rushed forward, wrapping each other in a tight hug.

“I'm so glad I found you.” He murmured into Annabeth's ear, sending shivers down her spine.

“Took you long enough.” She muttered in reply, hugging him just a little bit closer.

She was also vaguely aware of Jason talking on hurried only the phone, giving her a thumbs up.

By the time Piper had rushed over, Annabeth and Percy were sitting on the edge of a planter chatting happily. She felt the awkward tension between them quickly slipping away, as they found a comfortable pace between the two of them. It was still bumpy as they pushed and pulled, figuring out each other.

Piper had immediately introduced herself to Percy as Annabeth's best friend and future bridesmaid.

Annabeth really had never expected her soulmate to fit into her life as quickly as Percy did. The constantly small dates for coffee or lunch. The messages they woke up to each morning from each other. The little bickering and banter they both found they had a habit of starting.

Percy was also nothing like she had expected. He had recently moved to the city with his mom. He hated studying, and much preferred hanging out with friends. When pestered about the sudden change in pain, and the constant pain she felt he had immediately flushed red in embarrassment and shame. Like she had guessed, he was an avid skateboarder. However after a bad spill, a friend had mentioned that his soul mate must be miserable from all the scrapes cuts and bruises he got.

Sheepishly Percy had admitted he never considered that. Sure he had always daydreamed about Annabeth, but he had never connected the fact that his skateboarding would be bad for her. So he had just stopped. But missing it, he had taken to wearing more protection and trying to play it safe. That day had actually been the first time he had been convinced to do more of the dangerous tricks again.

Annabeth couldn't help but roll her eyes fondly at how absent minded he had been. How could he have not had realized. She was planning on complaining a little more, but he had fired back that he hated paper cuts and he had been dealing with them for years as well, which had shut her up. She hadn't really considered how many she got from all her reading either. Plus, he had tried to give up his favorite hobby for her. Not something she would have wanted to him to do of course, but the sentiment still made her heard soar.

Percy's mom had also been the coolest mom ever, it had been official. She had been downright terrified of meeting her, her mom having been a bit intimidating. But Sally had welcomed her with open arms, literally. Annabeth had been swept into a hug immediately upon the door opening.

She had also found out that he was on the swim team, that he had quickly become the top swimmer on his new team. When she had rushed out and hugged him after he had won swim meet she had gone to, it had dawned on her. Never in her life would she have imagined going to a swim meet. Not to mention standing in front of others as she shared a celebratory kiss with her soul mate, the rest of the world fading from focus. Never did she imagine passing on studying to go out and learn how to skateboard. Never did she imagine that instead of snuggling up alone to enjoy a movie that she would find another's presence much more relaxing next to her on the couch.

Standing there, staring at Percy as the water dripped from his hair, his unrestrained smile directed solely at her, as if he was happier to see her than win the meet, Annabeth realized everything had changed.

For once though, she didn't mind this change. This was the start of something permanent.

XxXxXxXxX

Thank you for reading! Please feel free to send me more percabeth fluff prompts anyone who is reading this! I still have a few in my inbox I will work through! I just write them as I’m inspired, no real order. The next thing I post will probably be chapter 4 of the Cafe!AU I’m working on. Till next time!

#pjo #percabeth #percy jackson #annabeth chase #HoO #Thank you for the prompt! #Please feel free to send me more folks!

[automatismoateo]

A rant: I haven't spoken to my abusive parents in several years, and today I got an e-mail from my dad that was a random biblical verse. | Spoiler Alert: I got kinda mad. via /r/atheism

Submitted November 30, 2020 at 09:38PM by Obliterature (Via reddit https://ift.tt/2JdYlaY) A rant: I haven't spoken to my abusive parents in several years, and today I got an e-mail from my dad that was a random biblical verse. | Spoiler Alert: I got kinda mad.

My parents growing up were abusive and were the cause of various forms of trauma to my three siblings and I. My dad, a lapsed Catholic, decided he was a "Christian" again after Barack Obama was elected and started sinking into a far-right sinkhole of anti-intellectualism. My mother, is a right-wing Jew. What a combo, eh?

Anyway, I've been estranged from them for several years, because I couldn't handle their gaslighting, denial, and continuously crappy and toxic behavior. I told my Dad and Mom at the time that they would be back allowed in my life if they met certain conditions (seeking mental health treatment and committing to seeing through being the primary condition). Today, I get this e-mail quoting the Bible verse Psalms 95:6"

O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the LORD our maker.

I don't know what came over me, but I flipped out. I got angry. And I couldn't stop myself from writing him an e-mail back. This may be petty, but I just felt like I had to share it. Apologies if this doesn't belong here.

​

The E-Mail:

Oh, shit, are we trading favorite biblical verses now? Here’s a few of my favorites:

How about when Leviticus weirdly shames women for having periods?

" 'When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening. 20 " 'Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean. 21 Anyone who touches her bed will be unclean; they must wash their clothes and bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening. 22 Anyone who touches anything she sits on will be unclean; they must wash their clothes and bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening. 23 Whether it is the bed or anything she was sitting on, when anyone touches it, they will be unclean till evening. 24 " 'If a man has sexual relations with her and her monthly flow touches him, he will be unclean for seven days; any bed he lies on will be unclean. 25 " 'When a woman has a discharge of blood for many days at a time other than her monthly period or has a discharge that continues beyond her period, she will be unclean as long as she has the discharge, just as in the days of her period. 26 Any bed she lies on while her discharge continues will be unclean, as is her bed during her monthly period, and anything she sits on will be unclean, as during her period. 27 Anyone who touches them will be unclean; they must wash their clothes and bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening. 28 " 'When she is cleansed from her discharge, she must count off seven days, and after that she will be ceremonially clean. – Leviticus 15:19-28

Or that one where God tells Moses that the crippled and handicapped aren’t fit for his church?

The Lord said to Moses, 17 "Say to Aaron: 'For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. 18 No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; 19 no man with a crippled foot or hand, 20 or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. 21 No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the food offerings to the Lord. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. 22 He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; 23 yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the Lord, who makes them holy.' – Leviticus 21:16-23

This one ought to hit close to home: kill your sons who are stubborn and rebellious. Well, what are you waiting for, pops?

If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, 19 his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. 20 They shall say to the elders, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard." 21 Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid. - Deuteronomy 21:18-21

Ohhh, looks like any many who’s injured his cock and balls isn’t allowed in church either…I wonder if emasculation from wife counts? Is that why you never go to church?

No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the Lord. - Deuteronomy 23:1

Personally loving this one where men have permission to cut off a wife’s hand should she try to defend her husband.

If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, 12 you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity. - Deuteronomy 25:11-12

How about the one where God condones bashing babies against rocks?

Daughter Babylon, doomed to destruction, happy is the one who repays you according to what you have done to us. 9 Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks. – Psalm 137.8-9

Or the one where God condones ripping babies to pieces, looting their parents’ houses and raping their mothers?

See, the day of the Lord is coming -a cruel day, with wrath and fierce anger- to make the land desolate and destroy the sinners within it. 10 The stars of heaven and their constellations will not show their light. The rising sun will be darkened and the moon will not give its light. 11 I will punish the world for its evil, the wicked for their sins. I will put an end to the arrogance of the haughty and will humble the pride of the ruthless. 12 I will make people scarcer than pure gold, more rare than the gold of Ophir. 13 Therefore I will make the heavens tremble; and the earth will shake from its place at the wrath of the Lord Almighty, in the day of his burning anger. 14 Like a hunted gazelle, like sheep without a shepherd, they will all return to their own people, they will flee to their native land. 15 Whoever is captured will be thrust through; all who are caught will fall by the sword. 16 Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives violated. – Isaiah 13:9-16

Hubba, hubba, Ezekiel!

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. - Ezekiel 23:20

Oh damn, what about that time in Hosea when God’s all about baby-killing AND violently murdering pregnant women? I thought Christians opposed abortion?

"But I have been the Lord your God ever since you came out of Egypt. You shall acknowledge no God but me, no Savior except me…"You are destroyed, Israel, because you are against me, against your helper… The people of Samaria must bear their guilt, because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open." - Hosea 13:4, 9, 16

And no examination of the Bible is complete without some New Testament Exodus shenanigans about selling your daughters into sexual slavery.

"If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do. 8 If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners, because he has broken faith with her. – Exodus 21:7-8

Tell me, Dad. Do you really think you know more about the Bible than I do? I literally majored in literature and the “classics” of western culture. I graduated Summa Cum Laude with a 3.99 GPA. I’m halfway through a masters degree on these kinds of ancient texts.

You, on the other hand, are a fake Catholic who rarely goes to church and has mindlessly hooked onto far-right & conservative talking points in your old age out of your reactionary racism to the election of a black man to the presidency.

What the fuck happened to you? The [CENSORED NAME] I remembered when I was growing up was an marginally intelligent and moderate thinking person capable of critical thinking. The [CENSORED NAME] I’ve seen devolve into the anti-intellectualism of American-Christian nationalism & conservatism since Barack Obama took office in 2008 has been an embarrassment to yourself, to your Jewish wife, and to your children. Get a fucking grip.

Your politics and your religion are centered around greed, prejudice, and the marginalization of ethnic, cultural, political, and religious minorities. Your fetishization of your personal “freedom” and “liberty” over the health, safety, and human rights of others is vile and repulsive, and it illustrates that your ideology extends to only caring about yourself and your immediate circle, rather than for the common good of all people. (Not very Christian, bro.)

All that aside, you know my conditions for allowing you and mom back into my personal life. You must:

​

Be open and honest with our mother about her abusive behavior towards you and your children over the decades.

You must seek mental health intervention and treatment for her, to include medication and therapy. She is sick. She has been sick for a long time. She is long overdue for psychological help. Your enabling of her abusive and unhealthy habits is only going to further isolate you and her and compound her mental illness, as well as present detrimental effects to your own mental health, if they haven’t already.

She must commit to A.) Admitting the abuses she’s done to you, your family, her family, and all of her children and B.) Following through with her mental health treatment. No half-measures. No quitting. She is sick, and she has been sick for as long as I can remember. She will not ever get better or be better if she does not have your support and encouragement throughout what will likely be a very sordid and difficult treatment. She will not get better or be better if she doesn’t commit to seeking treatment for, what is likely, the rest of her life.

You need to finally own up to your own flaws, too. You have gaslighted us, your kids, and told us that the abuses and trauma we have endured from our mother and you have not happened; that we are liars and that are “ungrateful”. You have enabled your wife’s abuses by turning a blind eye to them. No longer.

BONUS: If you could at least try to understand that your politics are not only harmful to humanity at large, but to your children and grandchildren, as well, it’d be fucking nice to see you apply some critical-fucking-thinking to the ideology you’ve so mindlessly given yourself to.

Here’s the thing, [CENSORED NAME], I may be the only kid that’s cut you out of my life so far, but I can guarantee you: I will NOT be the last. [SISTER 1] and [SISTER 2] are tired of you, they are tired of mom, and they are ashamed of you. I tell you this not to hurt you or twist the knife, but to warn you. You have been dangerously close to losing them the way you have lost me for years. Every time one of your ignorant political rants shows up on their Facebook feed, every time you harass them about wishing mom a happy birthday, or harass their ex-husbands on Facebook, every little stupid and inconsiderate act you take, is pushing them closer to the ends I have taken to separate myself, my family, and my children from you.

As the status quo stands right now; you and mom are toxic. And I cannot in good faith bring people like you around my children. You did enough damage to me and my siblings. I won’t let you hurt my children, too.

You’ve already missed out on nearly the first two years of [CENSORED WIFE'S NAME] and I’s daughters’ lives, and [CENSORED SON'S NAME] has no idea who you people are. I am certain they cannot tell the difference without your influence in their lives. Can you?

I am not an unreasonable person, and I do not ask for anything that is out of your realm of capability or power; I am not asking for the clocks to be turned back and for you to undo the years of abuse and trauma you and mom inflicted on us. I am not the hateful and ungrateful son you have painted me to be. I may be stubborn and rebellious, but I am not without reason or compassion.

Your Stubborn and Rebellious Son, Take Him to the Elders at the Gate of Town For His Stoning,

- [CENSORED NAME]

#reddit

[whosebody]

personal stuff

I have been thinking a lot lately, probably too much.  Thinking about why I eat like I do. About my childhood.  We always had enough to eat, but I never felt like there was enough. I felt like my dad got so much more. Maybe because he was a grown man with a job, but it didn't seem fair at the time because I was still hungry too, and I never said anything. Never saying anything seems to have been something I was trained to do from a young age. My mother had serious mental health issues, depression, anxiety, and for many years crippling agoraphobia. My father also had issues. He was (and still is) an OCD hoarder.   And by hoarder, I don't mean a packrat.  I mean wall-to-wall piles of magazines. We could never have anyone over; it was simply too embarassing. Both my parents had wonderful qualities as well, and I don't mean to imply otherwise. I was spanked exactly twice in my life. They were not verbally abusive. We were poor, but we had enough (sometimes barely) and they always saved all year to give us a nice Christmas. I was so protective of my things. If you wrecked or lost something, it wouldn't be replaced before next Christmas, if ever. Even gifts I didn't particularly want, like Barbies, I carefully stored and protected.  I used my crayons gently. I saved things like paper until I was absolutely sure what I wanted to do with it. At one point, to make extra money, my mother started babysitting and doing after school tutoring. The kids she brought over, well, their mothers worked. They had lots of belongings, and if something was destroyed or used up or lost, they could get another. They did not treat our belongings with any respect. Crayons were snapped. Toy gas stations were trampled on and broken. And nobody said to these kids, as they did to us, "Watch where you're putting your feet." I hated those kids. I hated sharing with people who didn't give a shit about me. I felt stolen from. And to this day I don't like to share, even with my husband and kids. I don't want anyone else driving my car or using my computer. If I crash  my own car or download a virus, well so be it. I try hard not to do those things, but it could happen. And even if I don't, cars and computers don't last forever anyway. But they last longer if you take very good care of them. If you're careful. I have watched as my friends' kids destroyed cars they could not afford to replace, and I said no. Not me. I won't risk it. I saved up and bought another car and let the still-at-home spawn drive the old one. That way if something terrible happens, I will not be screwed. Clothes last years for me. I rarely use bleach, I wash everything gently and am careful not to ever ever overload the washer and dryer because they also have to last, right? I have lots of clothes stockpiled that I found on sale. Carefully stored for someday. If I have this surgery, someday will probably never come for many if not most of these items. It has been a struggle to let go of some of them. Apparently I also have the hoarder gene, if not so strong as my father (and his sister). So I have been thinking how being forced to share created in me difficulty sharing. About how it helped create in me an inability to set boundaries, to say no. Except of course when I scream no at the top of my lungs and refuse to share at all. Apparently I have no middle ground. I can't tell someone I don't want them at "my" support group meeting, but I can completely stonewall and refuse to let anyone drive my car ever no matter how legitimate the need. Then last night I watched an episode of Roseanne, and during the opening theme this happened inside my head. If what doesn't kill us is making us stronger We're gonna last longer Than that greatest wall of China Or that rabbit with the drum. If there's one thing that I learned While waiting for my turn [That's what you've been doing, and the problem isn't sharing. The problem is, you're waiting for it to be your turn.] It's that in each life some rain falls [But get this. You are playing by rules nobody else is following. Everybody else is just going ahead whenever they get the chance while you stand back here politely waiting for a turn that is never going to come because THERE ARE NO TURNS.] But you also get some sun. [It's like you're waiting in a groecery store line and keep letting everyone else go first because they have fewer items, or they're more busy, or they're more important or more fragile or just somehow more deserving.] And we'll make out better than okay Hear what I say Hey, any day [Are you going to stand back here trying to be nice until you die? Or are you going to say fuck that and get in the damn line?] Well, that's something to think about, except ever since it occurred to me, I haven't been thinking. I've been feeling. And I don't like it, not one little bit. And how I have been feeling is angry. At my parents in general, but my mother in particular. I know my parents did the best they could, and in many ways they were wonderful, but damn people. Could you have taught me that it was okay to say no? That it was okay to not share? That it was okay to set limits and boundaries? Well maybe you couldn't, but I wish you had. How different would my life have been? And morely--WTF is up with me spending my entire life putting your needs first? Tippytoeing around my mother, because she is too emotionally fragile and needy herself to deal with a small child who actually needs anything, and if she can deal she has to spend that energy on the other child, my brother, who never slept. (Never. Not more than two hours.)  Tippytoeing around her because she is depressed, or because she is anxious. Never asking for anything that requires her to  leave the house because she can't, except for groceries and the library, and then only if our dad went with her. Once kids were picking on me at school because I only had one outfit. It was clean, but they didn't know that or didn't care. So the teachers told my mother, and she and my dad took me to K-mart to find another outfit, but I couldn't choose because I had to decide right the hell now so she could go back home, and I couldn't. So she freaked out, walked out, and we had to leave, and follow her up the road in the car, which she refused to get into. I learned to do my own shopping fairly young. Also laundry. I had to make my clothes last a long time, because I didn't have many and also...drama. I just this very second put that together. Now she didn't decide to be an emotional lunatic, or deserve it, but the thing is, I didn't choose it or deserve it either. I wish I had not learned to put everyone else first and myself last all the time.  I wish I now knew how to decide when it is fair to put my needs aside, because I really can't tell. Every request seems equally reasonable and yet intolerable, just like any request to borrow my car or my laptop seems both reasonable and intolerable. I have dug myself in so deep on this topic, I really don't know where to go with it now. I'm just angry. I don't think it's fair or reasonable to be this angry, but I am. And I kind of want to say, I'm allowed to just feel how I feel and anyone who doesn't like it can put on their big girl panties for a change. Because whether it's fair or reasonable, I can't seem to do fair and reasonable this week, and whenever I try to be fair and reasonable I just want to eat things. Many things. Many large, savory, fatty things like pizzas and hot dogs and bacon cheeseburgers. Instead I plan to make stuffed mushrooms tonight, but still.

#wls #gastric bypass surgery #baggage #emotions

[hippietrackss]

It happened again. It's been two years and it's not half as bad as it was then, but my anxiety is back, the crippling kind that interferes with work, with my life. I planned Friday as a vacation day; I didn't plan today. And tomorrow or sometime soon, I'm gonna have to take my boss aside and have THAT conversation. But on the meantime, I've got this bad anxiety spiral this morning, and read one thing to do is to write yourself a letter and return to it months later (maybe weeks for me... days even?) to see whether the things in the anxious spiral came to be, etc. Decidedly, mine can live here. Why? Mostly because it's this or a note, and a note on my phone is sure to get lost or deleted (or I accidentally open to it, reflect on it too early or too much, and defeat the purpose of this exercise). But also because maybe one of you can relate, and maybe one of you needs this too (I know reading others' stories this morning brought me some relief). So here it is, my post mid-twenties, hey it's back again, open letter to myself re: reemergent crippling anxiety and missing work today because of it: How does one address themself? Note to self? Dear self? Hey me? Bitch? Or maybe this should be directed at that cunt anxiety, at what that bitch makes me turn into... But Sarah, dear dear Sarah, you are presently suffering from crippling anxiety. It's affecting your gut and what and how you eat. It's affecting your sleep. And that was fine. Well it wasn't fine, but it was livable. Now? Now we've come back to the sporadic, unstimulated attacks, which are always the worst for no apparent reason. We're back to electrified nerve endings and sheer terror. We're back to feelings of impending doom cured solely by the promise that you can go back to bed and hide under the covers, even though that always ultimately just gnaws on your conscience. And why. Why? Because you have this sense in your head like you could push yourself and make yourself go in and maybe you'd even feel better about it. And because anxiety is invisible and you know no one where you are now knows it or deals with it. Because you almost didn't get hired because of it. Because you thought you had it licked, and it reemerging so strongly post mid-twenties is just rude. But there it is, rude or not. So time to address some of those concerns. Being post-mid twenties... People three times your age–literally!–are waking up in hospitals right now because of the SAME EXACT ISSUES that you're dealing with. And it's not because they're somehow weaker than you. It's because anxiety isn't just weakness of will. It can be, sure. You can psych yourself out. But come on girl, you know it as much as anyone: it can be, and in your case is, a chemical process, something in the brain and body that can't be controlled by three turns of "I think I can." It's hard to liken that to anther physical ailment. Everyone always says oh you wouldn't feel guilty if it were diabetes or high blood pressure or cancer. Okay but all of those can be managed except cancer, and even I know this isn't that. It's more like a migraine problem and what do people do for that? I mean really, that's a question. I don't know what people who suffer from crippling migraines do about work. I would understand if I had a coworker like that, but because I have my own similar problem. I can't say how I'd feel otherwise. And even having anxiety, I've been critical of others in my same position (is that why I'm here now? Am I being taught a lesson?). I digress. You worry it's invisible. And it is. But knowledge is power. So if you're concerned, discuss it. Explain it. And if the situation you're in now doesn't work, maybe it's not your career path. Maybe this is a really bold signal that you belong elsewhere, doing other things. I certainly don't feel that way, but it's something to keep in mind. Especially because... Because the worst thing that happens is that it gets worse, so much worse that you're hospitalized, that you might miss so much work you get fired or feel compelled to quit. And then what. Well then life is tough and you make some adjustments. But isn't that the worst case scenario? And can't you handle that? It'd be hard, but you've certainly trod through enough tough situations in your life not to be scared by that. And you, my dear, had the gift of faith. You know in your heart of hearts that everything will be okay. Maybe hold onto that a little more often. Which brings us to pushing yourself. Could you? Maybe. But aren't you taking the time because your intuition, your gut, your brain, your everything felt better about not trying to balance the stress of life on top of a hyper stressed mind and body? Even if you could tough that out, is it best? Part of the reason you chose to take today is because the next two are out of the question. They are built in high stress days and you know they're not optional. So you're taking today as the final that you can, resting and tending to your mental health needs, trying to get squared away to just get up and go tomorrow. And you worry how it looks right now, of course. And this is the time to ramp up, if anything, and look like you deserve a baller raise. And you haven't done a full five days since before Christmas. But others around the holidays were taking time too. What's end of the year vs beginning of the year time? Really. Especially when you can, and do, work from home as necessary. Do you feel bad now about past sporadic days for anxiety? No. You fussed and worried then and it was fine, always. Do you feel bad about the two years ago anxious debacle? Oh you bet! But this hasn't gotten that bad yet. I've missed a few days, but I haven't checked out and have HARDLY given up. In fact, typing all this, devoid of anxiety and tired, it's hard not to feel like I'm over the hump and it'll all back down from here (I hope I'm right and it's not just the optimism from this journaling exercise, but even if it is, it feels good). Look even if you drop the ball right now, today, lately, even if that's how anyone feels, and by all reports, by the way, it's how you're paranoid people feel, and nothing more, but even if that were all true, it's a short window of time. It's a few weeks. Literally. So just get better. Just get back in gear, back on track, back to being impressive little you. You've been an all star up to this point, so a little time spent derailed? It happens to EVERYONE, for one reason or another. So try not to fret. Chances are anything that's bad weeks or months from now has NOTHING to do with needing to take the day today. Chances are taking today doesn't matter. Chances are the meetings go fine anyway. Chances are your boss never asks you to elaborate. Chances are he worries but he's waaay more preoccupied with the other goings on. Chances are the only one who remembers this is you. And chances are the only ones who perceive this as an extra anxious time for you are yourself and your primary caregivers, the several closest friends and your mom, in other words. No matter what, though, life doesn't stop here. So don't borrow trouble. Get rest today and don't worry about whether or not you made the right choice. It's the choice you made, so it's right. To think you'll get anything more than a serious talking to at most as a result of this is simply paranoia, and even you know that. If people talk, let them talk, but it's awfully self important to make yourself the subject of such speculations. Rest. Rest and express gratitude. Rest and get a few things done, a few wins and being prepared for the big meetings the next two days. Don't neglect your work email, as you are working from home you said, but also don't fixate on that too much. You're not THAT critical to operations either. Remember that. Rest and feed yourself. Feed your mind. Read your book. You do still need it. Make a list now of what you need to get done, make a schedule if it'll help, then rest. Win today. Then win tomorrow. Then win Wednesday. Then get through the week. And tackle it all with or without the prickly nerves, because you can, because you're going to practice self-care today and love yourself, anxiety and all. Because you'd be too perfect if you weren't neurotic and didn't have the anxiety. As that bipolar spoken word poet put it, its like the broken bone without which you'd still be you but so much less interesting. You anxiety is a part of your story. That doesn't mean you don't conquer it. But this time is a reminder. Feel it, write it, embrace it, and remember that nothing lasts forever, and you'd better believe that includes this anxiety. And girl, realistically, it's been like 3, maybeee 4 weeks that this has been a significant problem again. That's not a long enough time to pull a trigger. That's an acute problem. That doesn't mean it's not severe but does mean it only feels like you've been impacted extra for a really long time. To anyone else, this is nothing. Not the anxiety, but the effects. To anyone else, you're truly not missing much. Don't beat yourself up. You're many more things than your anxiety and a few days missed because of it. It gets better. It might be worse a few times, but it gets better. And you always get through it. And life will go on. It's all good. Remember the good things you do. You don't have as many shortcomings as you think. And you contribute a lot of good to the world. It's okay to need time for you right now. Rest. Rest.