#about her i IMMEDIATELY teared up and started to cry GFDJGK LIKE GOD......

[yutadori]

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#i feel like today was such a mess oh my god #like it was a mess but everything felt toned down ? unreal ? idk how to describe it but hhh #it sucks that i'm still thinking about it like ig i need to get it out of my system so sorry if you already saw this briefly on twt gjkdfhgf #but hhhhh i went in for a consultation with a (potentially) new therapist and it didn't go.... well #it wasn't Bad at all but she just was not the right fit for me ? #i really forgot just how difficult it is to find a therapist that suits me #like they could be perfectly fine but if we don't vibe it's like :/ i tried to like . disregard that bc i feel like i'd waste a lot of time #trying to look for a therapist that i get along with? like what's really key is that i find someone who can tend to my needs #but hhhh we just didn't click and like i felt sort of awkward ? like i didn't feel comfortable ? felt v detached like i was able to tell her #a bit about my problems but i just ??? did not feel anything at all ! we love the dissociation ! #and like i think that's partly due to the fact that i'm not like . that i haven't moved past the fact that i can't see my current therapist #anymore bc of $$$ (: i THOUGHT i was past it and ready to look for a new therapist to work with but i guess NOT bc when i briefly talked #about her i IMMEDIATELY teared up and started to cry GFDJGK LIKE GOD...... #and she was saying stuff like 'aw you worked with her for so long and built a good relationship with her so this must be really hard' #AND I WAS JUST LIKE GJDFKLGJ STOPPP IM CRYING HHHHHH #idk i don't know if i can do this yet??? idk if i can continue going out and looking for a new therapist to work with? bc also i realized #today that like . since i haven't fully come to terms i felt more closed off.... like not as willing to work on my problems ? and i felt v #disconnected like the dissociation kicked in real hard today and i just felt nothing while telling her my personal problems like ??? idk and #like the thing is my current therapist really wants me to find a new one so i can work through my mental illnesses and heal but i don't know #i just CANT right now and i feel bad telling her that? bc she's really rooting for me ): like i feel like if i told her i can't she'd tell #me to keep trying. which isn't bad but i .... sort of don't want to and don't feel like i'm at the place wher ei can do that yet? i don't #know... i guess i need more time. aaaaa and also i want to save money.... ))): hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the rate this therapist offerred was p low #but still when i totalled the amount for the month it was like.... ah . idk . im okay with not going to therapy for a while . i think i'd be #okay. not amazing but i'll manage? though idk if she'd take that as an answer bc i know she wants the best for me HHH IDK what to do ! #T_____T i don't want to disappoint her ))): #sun texts