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somelazyassartist · 3 months

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I am having a very strange relationship with mental health currently and I need to talk about it or I feel like I'll explode!!! This is not all actually bad it's just like what is happening!!!!! Under cut bc I am just kinda rambling and don't know what I'm saying really and I'll probably delete this bc I will probably feel extremely weird about talking about it by the time I wake up tomorrow but!! Like j said I just feel like if I don't say anything I'm gonna explode!!!!!!

Like bad stuff out of the way first I guess there's like. Really traumatic realization about My ex-relationship where it's like. OH I was a literal child so I had no idea that was abusive but that was Really Fucking Abusive and I don't know how to deal with that?? I haven't even talked to that person in years and I'm in a much healthier and happier relationship now but like it is kinda fucking me up simply because I have no idea how I'm supposed to handle trauma that I didn't even know was trauma until after I'm far out of that situation. Also been having WAY more paranoia and weirdly vivid nightmares lately but I honestly have zero idea if those are related or not.

HOWEVER like literally don't worry about that at all ever BECAUSE despite those way lower lows than I usually have I have ALSO been having way higher highs in my mental health!!!!! And I don't know why!!!!! I knew moving would help with my depression a lot simply bc I'd be out of my shitty school and shitty cold garage bedroom and away from my shitty stepdad and away from the city (I do not handle loud and crowded and busy environments well) and now I live out in the middle of nowhere where it's quiet and I love it! But like for the last 4 years I've lived here I still felt like my depression had dulled like ALL my care about things down even if the depression itself kinda faded away. Like I got to the point where I wasn't crying myself to sleep every night, but I would read maybe 3 of my already-liked books a year and ignore my entire shelf of unread stuff, I had my favorite wizard outfit I'd wear on special occasions but every other day I'd just wear pajamas or a T-shirt and jeans because I couldn't be assed to do anything more, I'd have entire boxes of half-finished sketches because I would start drawing and lose interest halfway through the sketch, I have bins of art and decorations that I meant to put on my walls years ago and never did. But now!! Just in like the past few weeks specifically!!! I don't know why but I have had so much drive to DO THINGS!!!!! I WANT TO DO THINGS AGAIN!!!!! I've been reading!! Like, actually reading actual novels!!! Like I did when I was little where I was obsessed with making sure every book on my shelf got read at least once!!!!! I've been going through my closet and my accessory bins and makeup and pairing up what looks good!! I've actually been coordinating outfits and trying to make all my clothes have as much personality and fun as my one (1) special wizard outfit I wear!!! I had a bit of extra cash bc of holiday cards and I bought myself some armor despite knowing what it takes to maintain it and keep it nice because I actually have the motivation to upkeep it and find what clothes I have that will look good with a chestplate and pauldrons!!! (It also looks EXACTLY I mean EXACTLY like Laios Dunmeshi's armor so bonus autism win there)!!!!! I dug out my boxes of unfinished art and have been trying to finish old pieces!! I found my old half-filled notebooks and have been filling the blank pages that were leftover!!!!! I've been working on zines, I've been WRITING again (I fucking LOVED writing when I was a kid but grew to hate it eventually), I have multiple rough drafts for graphic novels and animations and in-universe 1st person perspective fantasy research journals!!!! I've been putting up art prints that've sat in boxes for years!!! I've been looking for where a shelf would go nicely to display my trinkets and nick knacks!!! I've been looking into 3D printing lightswitch covers with cool designs and figuring out what to paint on my bookshelves!!!!!!! I'm honestly extremely nervous and scared that this is temporary, and that soon I'm going to fade back into not caring about these things, and that if it goes away again it won't come back like what's happening now - but I am trying my best to keep caring and keep Loving life the way I haven't in years!!! And that is all anybody can do I think!!!!!!!

#I'M SORRY THIS IS LONG AND VERY PERSONAL I WILL PROBABLY END UP DELETING THIS #BUT I DO NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO AND I FEEL VERY UM. WHAT IS THE RIGHT WORD #ERRATIC????? IT FEELS LIKE MY MIND IS GOING A MILE A MINUTE I AM SORRY THIS IS PROBABLY A VERY BADLY WORDED POST #I CANNOT THINK STRAIGHT RIGHT NOW BUT I NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST OR IT'LL DRIVE ME MAD I THINK #OKAY I AM SORRY I WILL QUIT RAMBLING NOW THANK YOUUUU FOR LISTENING!!!!!!#abuse tw #abuse trigger warning #abuse mention

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user-boxer · 2 years

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This user was abused by a teacher

#userboxes #userbox #this user #abuse #tw abuse #abuse tw #teachers #triggering content #trigger warning #trigger warning abuse #abuse trigger warning #requests #this user was abused by a teacher

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freifraufischer · 2 years

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Let’s talk about the infamous ones ...

When the stories from Kim Zmeskal’s former Texas Dreams athletes came out one of the things they repeatedly asked was that people stop making lists of good coaches. Texas Dreams reputation as a “good gym” had the effect of silencing them because they felt like no one would believe them. I do think it’s worth going through why some coaches have bad reputations and exactly what is at the root of those reputations.

This list does not include the Karolyis who are out of the sport or John Geddert who committed suicide before being arrested on charges relating to his abuse of gymnasts. It also doesn’t include the reputations of NCAA coaches many of which are just as checkered. it is by no means complete.

Rochelle Douglas (Great Britain) - Coach of European and British Junior Champion Catherine Lyons who has come forward with stories of being beaten with a stick, starved (including being told not to eat for a week while at a training camp), and emotional abuse. At one point when Lyons was injured just before a competition she texted Lyons a picture of herself wearing the leotard that Lyons would have competed in. She was banned for two years by British Gymnastics.

Al Fong/GAGE (USA) - Coach of 2004 Olympic silver medalists Courtney McCool and Terin Humphry. Fong, foremost, infamous in gymnastics circles for the untimely deaths of two gymnasts. In 1988 Julissa Gomez was paralyzed and subsequently died after performing a vault that many believe she was not capable of doing. The second gymnast, Christy Henrich died as a result of an eating disorder. There is a great deal of debate over how much Fong was responsible for instigating/fostering that disorder and over the years he and his allies have attempted to put forward a narrative in which he isn’t responsible but has changed his ways. Most recently one of his former gymnasts used her role as a clinical psychologist to write an op ed to absolve him of guilt in this case in which blame was laid on the comments of a conveniently dead former gymnastics judge. Other things that contribute to his reputation are famously draconian rules for his athletes (no boyfriends is one), a reputation for not listening to the advise of women other than his wife, and an instragram account which has occasionally posted content that many find disquieting. On a different track his gym also comes with a reputation for occasional baffling routine construction choices and one of his athletes famously had her score lowered at 2019 worlds when they inquired into her score and the review jury lowered even more.

Maggie Haney (USA) - Currently serving a suspension for emotional abuse of her athletes Olympic Gold Medalist Laurie Hernandez and World Champion Riley McCusker. Both have talked about being forced to train on injuries and overtraining. Hernandez talks about Haney yelling so loudly that the businesses that shared a parking lot with her gym would file noise complaints with the town. Her safe sport suspension will be up in 2025 and given that there are still families sending their daughters to train with her she will almost certainly be back in the sport.

Kelli Hill (USA) - Coach of Olympic Gold Medalist Dominique Dawes, Olympic Silver medalist Courtney Kupets, and Olympic Bronze Medalist Elise Ray. Most of the allegations around Hill stem from her time when Dominique Dawes was living with her which Dawes has recently started to detail. Dawes describes Hill taking advantage of the stresses on her parents marriage to gain control over her, of belittling her, gaslighting her and sitting on her during stretching. In 1992 she threatened to send Dawes to the Karolyi camp as punishment and later as the Nassar survivors started to talk about their experiences at the camp she claimed that Aly Reisman was exaggerating the conditions. She has recently retired from coaching elites but as of 2022 is chair of the powerful International Elite Committee in USAG.

Vladimir Lashin (Canada) - At one point the head coach of the Canadian women’s team his gymnasts tell a litany of horror stories from injuries caused by or ignored by him, forcing them to stand on scales, and massive amounts of verbal abuse.

Peggy Liddick (USA/Australia) - the coach of Olympic Gold Medalist Shannon Miller and later head coach of the Australian program. While in the US she supervised Kerri Strug being allowed to compete with an abdominal tare which caused her parents to pull Strug from the gym. For years Liddick described that there was a mistake in Miller’s 1996 Olympic beam that only she and Shannon knew and when she finally revealed it it was that Miller had a broken wrist and so couldn’t do one of the skils “correctly”. Liddick as given a lot of credit for the rise of the Australian gymnastics program (which was on an upward tregectory before she arrived) and recently Australian investigative bodies have published reports into her treatment of gymnasts there. This included among other things threatening to lock gymnasts in their room and feed them peas and carrots under the door, forcing gymnasts to eat their dinner (noodle soup) in her hotel room and withholding noodles from those who she deemed to not be working hard enough. She made a number of strategic decisions in the 2010s which were somewhat baffling including refusing to take any gymnasts to 2013 Worlds claiming they didn’t have high enough scores (even though their scores would have placed them in event finals at that worlds), and leaving the 2014 Australian AA champion home from both the World Championships and Commonwealth Games. Many consider Liddick responsible for crashing the entire Australian program.

Valeri Liukin/WAGA (USA) - Soviet Olympic Gold Medalist, coach of 2008 Olympic Gold Medalist Nastia Liukin. A number of WOGA athletes including Vanessa Atler and Katelyn Ohashi have come forward with stories about weight shaming and eating disorders developed at WOGA while other WOGA athletes tell stories of emotional abuse including of his own daughter. Mostly WOGA is famous for producing teenage girls with injuries you normally see in 50 year old dock workers (with WOGA back being one of the more common). He was forced to resign as head of the US women’s national program in 2018 after statements from former athletes. He again tried to apply for that job in 2022 before yet more of his former athletes filed safe sport complaints forcing USAG to drop him from consideration. He was briefly the head of the Brazilian women’s program until 2019 when they failed to qualify a team for the Tokyo Olympics. It’s said that he forced long standing athletes like Daniele Hypólito out of the program wanting to focus on younger “more promising” athletes. Many of which ended up injured during the Tokyo qualification process. It’s worth noting that many of the Brazilian athletes have positive things to say about him but they largely amount to “he didn’t yell like our previous coach”. Despite being considered one of the top coaches in the US he has never coached an American elite to the Olympics besides his own daughter and there are many young women who have been either burn out or injured before what was considered their prime. He has also given some very eyebrow raising comments in Russian language interviews presumably believing that they would not make their way back into the English language gymternet.

Steve and Beth Rybacki (USA) - Coach of Olympic bronze medalist Jamie Dantzscher. Weight shaming, emotional abuse and baffling pacing of the elite career of Vanessa Atler. The account of their gym in the book Start by Believing is very damning as well as Steve Rybacki’s clear anger issues that he didn’t even hide very well in front of the tv cameras. There is at least one story about him yelling at a journalist while he was on the US National Team staff for writing that a gymnast needed to work on her turns claiming that it was some kind of betrayal of their access.

Bill and Donna Strauss (USA) - largely retired though their daughter still coaches elites from the Parkettes gym. The Parkettes became infamous after a 2003 CNN Documentary which showed them yelling and belittling athletes. The gym had a long standing reputation for sending athletes to NCAA with serious injury issues. Donna Strauss told one doctor in 1985 not to put stitches in an athlete’s face after an injury because she would be seen on television. One of their more successful athletes was 2000 Olympian Kristin Maloney who competed on an leg fracture for more than a year and ended up having to have a rod placed in her leg.

Mary Lee Tracy (USA) - Coach of 1996 Olympic Gold Medalists Amanda Borden and Jaycie Phelps. Many many former gymnasts most prominently Morgan White and Dominique Moceanu have talked about Mary Lee Tracy has emotionally manipulative--often using her evangelical Christianity to defend herself against accusations. Her gym as a reputation for eating disorders and having athletes throw skills that they aren’t prepared for leading to injuries. At one point she was not charging her elite gymnasts for her coaching as she saw it as good advertising for her gym though that meant that if you were in a financially difficult situation you may not feel able to leave. In 2018 she was named as head of the USAG development program for about 3 minutes before being asked to resign after outcry from survivors. In 2016 she had made this comment: “My Olympians have all worked with Larry [Nassar]. We were all defending him because he has helped so many kids in their careers. He has protected them, taken care of them, worked with me and worked with their parents. He’s been amazing." As of 2022 she was a member of the powerful International Elite Committee within USAG.

Vincent Wevers (Netherlands) - The coach/father of Olympic Gold Medalist Sanne Wevers. He was accused of emotional abuse and harassing gymnasts who left the dutch national training center. He was found not guilty of abuse allegations after the Dutch gymnastics federation failed to adequately investigate the charges. After his contract was not renewed his daughters have left the national team and apparently set up an alternate training structure which appears to be an effort to force the Dutch national team to bend to their wishes judging that they are indispensable and attempting to scapegoat one of their father’s accusers by framing their leaving the program as her making them feel unsafe when accounts suggest that they the ones harassing her and refusing to mediate with her. Many in the the Dutch gym world are at this point wary of Wevers family drama.

Wu Jiani/Anna Li (USA) - Wu Jiani is a former Olympic Bronze medalist and her daughter Anna Li was a star at UCLA and an alternate for the London Olympics. They have been under investigation for verbal and emotional abuse for a number of years and Anna Li who is also a gymnastics judge has made negative social media posts against athletes who bring abuse allegations against their coaches.

Kim Zmeskal (USA) - 1991 World Champion and Olympic Bronze Medalist, Zmeskal’s gym Texas Dreams picked up a reputation for burn out and a high injury rate (sometimes called Texas Nightmares or Texas Injury Petitions). Their gymnasts seemed to flame out before reaching their potential and after Regan Smith was injured just minutes before the start of the 2017 Worlds AA where she was considered a favorite Smith competed throughout the 2018 season never allowing her ankle to completely heal. In 2020 several Texas Dreams athletes came forward with stories of Zmeskal being controlling, pitting them against their teammates, training on injuries and ignoring an injured athlete crawling around on the floor in pain. There were also allegations that her coaching partner and husband would make racist jokes involving masters and slaves and replacing a slur with the name of one of their young black gymnast. Kennedy Baker has said that Zmeskal came into her hotel room and cut off her hair with out her or her parents consent which also carries a racial connotation given that Zmeskal is white and Baker is black.

#gymnastics #abuse trigger warning

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thoughtsofolivia · 7 months

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Abuse trigger warning:

I put pieces together and I don’t like it.

In Luca we hear Massimo say “I came into the world this way” when he talks about why he’s missing an arm

Then in Ciao Alberto we hear that Massimo’s father clearly had anger issues and was prone to violent outbursts…

I honestly think Massimo’s mother was abused while she was pregnant with him and that led to the loss of Massimo’s arm before birth.

UGH! 😫

#Pixar #Luca #Massimo #ciao alberto #triggering content #abuse trigger warning #dark disney

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the-expatriate · 1 year

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" sshhh, come here... " ((nether-twins Neftin))

She'd been asleep, and had stirred uncharacteristically. What she'd dreamed about was more than enough to wake her and make her feel on edge.

Sitting at the edge of the bed, she seemed to stare into the darkness. Was there something she could see? Or was she just stuck in her thoughts?

It was hard to tell.

But on hearing the voice, she turned slowly. Her eyes wide and the tears streaming down her face.

"It was all my fault."

It was the only thing that left her lips.

#abuse trigger warning #tw abusive relationship #tw abuse trauma

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fakeboitherottengirl · 1 year

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My friends abusive ex wife is trying to have him put away on attempted murder charges because he restrained her improperly while fighting off her brutal physical attack (she was literally smashing glasses on his head and threw him down 2 flights of stairs because he confronted her about cheating) women CAN and DO abuse men. BELIEVE MALE IPV SURVIVORS!

#abuse trigger warning #domestic abuse #domestic violence #IPV #abusive relationships

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some-character-ideas · 1 year

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character idea #18:

after learning that one of the boys has been abusing his girlfriend, the friend group immediately decide to break off their friendship with him and make sure the girl is okay. they eventually become friends with her.

although she didn't expect her ex-boyfriend and his friends to be ghost hunting nerds, but she isn't complaining.

#finn posts #finn's character ideas #character ideas #characters #oc #oc ideas #ocs #abuse mention #abuse trigger warning #abuse tw #paranormal

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citrus-system · 2 years

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Ugly ugly ugly vent trigger warning,

I feel so nasty and mean for my inability to empathize over this. I wish so bad that I could relate, I wish I didn’t feel that pang whenever I see people talk about it.

I am in no way trying to devalue other’s trauma, but I want to relate so bad. I want to be able to say “she did the best but she still fucked me up-“ or figure out later how passively abusive she was.

But I can’t. My mom was so vocal and passionate about hating me. She was so movie cliche about her anger towards my existence. It was so prominent, not even years of trauma masked it from me. I wish I could have confusing feelings about her, I wish I could pretend she loved me sometimes and was trying to be a mother. Sometimes I wish she’d reach out and try to reconcile, just to see a glimpse of a mother in her.

She was nothing but abusive, she was nothing but a junky monster who hated that I was born. Once we moved out she went out of her way to try and keep bringing us down, she was put on a no-entry list by our apartment complex. We had to get a restraining order after we moved because she was going through our mail. She will never change, she will always be abusive.

Sometimes I just wish it was confusing. I wish I could see her as a mother who mistreated me, or as someone who didn’t know how to property raise a child. But I can’t. I have only ever been given the chance to see her as a disgusting, crazed, monster of a lady I had the misfortune to come out of.

I don’t want to play the pain Olympics, I don’t want to compare trauma. I just want it so bad, I want her to have a place in my heart despite the awful things she’s did to me, shouldn’t she? I wish it was just one form of abuse or another, I wish I had something to hold on to, some good things, something to conflict the overall state she was in. I wish I could see where it all went wrong. I wish at some point I did have a mom.

#maybe it’s the trauma talking #i just got done texting my bsf #similar gist #he reassured me that the only nice thing he’s ever seen/heard about her was #one time I was puking and she wiped down the toilet after she used it so I could puke in there #but there has to be more. right?#she had to at one point been a mother to me #right?#//#/vent #vent #abuse trigger warning #abuse #ah just trying to keep this away from people who don’t wanna see it

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wayfaringauthorofficial · 2 years

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I listen to her sing lullabies in my ear

and wonder when she'll take

this peace, this joy, away from me.

Nothing good lasts forever.

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gayturtlethoughts · 2 years

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finished my first session of therapy yesterday... I really liked having the space to vent and talk, but some of the things my therapist said are kinda sinking in now and it's starting to be a lot to process all at once lol.

It good to know that a lot of my past experiences were traumatic to me and a big part of me feels validated for once, instead of blaming myself for everything... But at the same time, it feels like I can't really push off thinking about it and processing it anymore. Like, yeah, some of that shit was abusive - being held under the water of a cold shower or shut in a dark room until I stopped crying, getting told I was gonna be put up for adoption, I've joked about how things like that were fucked up with friends but there's not really a funny spin to put on a therapist flat out saying it's traumatic and some of my responses are indicative of abuse is.... I dunno. Hard to take in.

It's even weirder when I've got a semi-decent relationship with my parents now. I don't necessarily feel angry towards my dad, but it's still overwhelming to think about these things. My therapist said it's a complicated thing so it makes sense to have complicated feelings about it. I guess that's why I'm posting about it now, trying to get my thoughts out of my head. This is my first time really using Tumblr or anything like it as a way of posting content myself but even if no one sees it I'm at least avoiding the spiral inside my head so I guess that's a plus 🐢👍

#exmormon #lgbtqplus #lgbtqia #abuse trigger warning

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stacys-mom-has-got-it-goin-on · 2 years

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TW:

When you're in your room crying. Just sobs and screams into your pillow and mucus dripping down your face (gross I know sorry but it's true) and tears just pouring down your face..... And your abusive parent AIN'T NO HELP AT ALL. You'd think they'd be more empathic or concerned about your well-being BUT NOOO. This is the abusive parent we're talking about here. The one who emotionally abuses you endlessly. Relentlessly. *Insert abusive parent(s)* just. Emotionally abuse you. For almost no reason. And For what? Out of boredom? Humor? Amusement? Fun? Power? Cold hearted Dominance? Authority? Whatever the reason they just refuse to stop. And when they hear your sobs from your bedroom as you barricade yourself from them and seek comfort away from the abuse, they just say this: "Aw shut up you big crybaby! Be quiet! I ain't hurt you that bad! Shut up shut up somebody will hear you, the neighbors will hear you! Be quiet or you'll go to jail! (Me go to jail?? YOU'RE the one that abused me!) Aw be quiet! Shut up you big crybaby waah!!". Those awful things they tell to you they say. And they tell you to quiet down ONLY because they're worried about their own damn selves and what would happen to them should the cops get called and show up.

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somelazyassartist · 2 years

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Thinking about this motherfucker again </3

I ended up going on a bit of a rant but if you want elaboration on what this post is referring to here ya go:

Okay so like,, I know I say this like every time I mention Sylvaire (or Tiana too for that matter) but like. I have seen the reading comprehension on this website and don't want it to be misconstrued and stuff. Also by writing it all down here maybe I'll be satisfied enough to stop feeling the need to explain it and can just point people to this post to know my intentions while writing him lmao. Like, Sylvaire as a character was written to somewhat represent my own abusers as a way for me to help process it, and I'm constantly paranoid that people will misread it as "characters are kind to this abuser throughout the beginning of the story because I the author condone his actions" and not "characters are kind to this abuser because he's very good at hiding his actions so people don't know he is one, and once people finally realize what he's done they all turn on him and he gets the justice that the author never got and is written this way specifically to help give them a bit of closure when they couldn't have it in real life"

But yeah like,, Sylvaire is absolutely irredeemable and I literally hate him so much, but like, the posts that I make that don't directly show that are sort of the point. Drawing him being an adorable nice little kid before he grew up into an abusive asshole is supposed to help show he CHOSE to be an abusive asshole, he wasn't raised to be one and it wasn't his "lycanthrope nature" (in fact both of his parents who were also lycanthropes were lovely and kind people so that throws that excuse right out the window), he started abusing people because he actively made the choice to hurt people for his own gain not just once but repeatedly. Any drawings of him being sweet with Kay and Vikki are supposed to show how good he is at manipulating people; he only started acting sweet so he could keep an eye on them and make sure they didn't find any evidence linking him to their kid's murder, and even when they got into a relationship it was one based on him manipulating them and making them blame themselves for his actions without them realizing he's doing it. Yeah it looks sweet to people who don't know what Sylvaire's intentions are, which is how it seems to Kay and Vikki because a major part of them being manipulated is them not knowing he's manipulating them. Like that's the whole point!! They and most others can't see through his bullshit because he's smart and charismatic and knows how to put on a nice act in front of people! He's only outright abusive to people who he knows he can keep silenced about it because if people know then his fake persona falls apart!

He claims he can't help how he acts and he blames it on his "tragic backstory" but we the audience are supposed to know that's horseshit because he had every option to get help and every chance to not be a shitty person and he had every opportunity to turn his life around and so many people offered him their help and support but he CHOSE not to do any of that because he knew that he could have more power over people if he hurt them and decided he wanted to abuse and extort people for riches and power and decided to repeatedly and happily take advantage of vulnerable people instead of working on bettering himself! And it's not even like turning his life around would be a sacrifice, his family are wealthy nobles, he explicitly DECIDES to hurt people because it makes him FEEL GOOD. That's what separates him from, say, Vicoros, who also had a horrible childhood and did a lot of shitty things because of it- the difference is that eventually he took a look at himself and decided "I'm not going to continue hurting people just because I'm hurt" and yeah he slips up sometimes because that happens, he still has issues with dealing with strong emotions through unhealthy means, he didn't just magically get better- but he made the choice to not actively hurt people when he didn't have to and he worked on bettering himself and finding ways to vent his anger issues in ways that don't directly cause other people harm whenever possible. Both of them have hurt people before, but one of them decided to stop the cycle of abuse as much as he could, while the other doubled down on it even when he had multiple options not to. And again, so so important to emphasize these were DECISIONS, not just things that happened. They CHOSE to do the things they did, for better or for worse.

Okay I'm sorry for rambling and honestly there's a lot more I could say but it's 1 am and I've already written a lot so I guess I'll say whatever else I have to say about them another time lmao

#three eyed cats in my living room #hallows #hallows nightbreeze #Vicoros #Vicoros Nightbreeze #Peyton #Peyton Piexle Nightbreeze #Caetora #Caetora Nightbreeze #Sylvaire #Sylvaire Hallowkeep #Tiana's Husband #Tiana #abuse tw #abuse trigger warning #child abuse tw #child abuse trigger warning

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