#abusive friendships

[furiousgoldfish]

How abuse affects your friendships and relationships

Friendships/relationships

Abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships

Children of abusive parents are more likely to tolerate abusive friends

Abuse will make toxic friendship feels normal.

Abusive parents teach us to chase people whose love we think we can 'earn' or obtain by removing boundaries and suffering more abuse.

Abuse can trick you into believing you have to love people unconditionally even if they abuse you.

Abusive parents fails to teach you the signs of an abusive relationship.

Abuse makes us scrutinize our own actions and behaviours, but never others'.

Abuse will make you completely disregard subtle red flags in friendships.

Long term neglect can make us long for any kind of attention

Neglect makes us extra vulnerable to Love Bombing and Mirroring

Abuse makes us vulnerable to Future Faking.

Abuse makes us tolerate more pain than anyone normally would tolerate in a friendship/relationship.

Abuse can teach us that neglect, lack of positive attention and engagement, lack of consideration for our needs and wants, is normal and acceptable in our friendships and relationships, leading us to tolerate it.

Living in abuse and using fantasy and idealism to endure the reality, will encourage the development of Magical Thinking in adulthood.

Abuse makes us emotionally vulnerable to grooming, and likely to bond with groomers.

Abuse makes it impossible to notice the signs of an abusive relationship.

Abuse can groom you to accept and tolerate abuse from others.

Sense of self

Neglect causes low self esteem.

Abuse greatly amplifies the human fear of being unlovable, unwanted and dying alone.

Being raised in abuse can make you feel like you're 'not normal' and make it difficult to relate to people.

Abuse can make you feel like you're a constant inconvenience and always left out.

Abuse forces you to keep secrets that alienate you from friendships or feeling like a part of community

Abuse in isolation makes us feel like the world abandoned us.  

Attachment disorders

Abuse can lead to intense, over-attached, idealized, unstable, disorganized, or detached and fragile attachments as opposed to stable and healthy ones with boundaries and realistic expectations.

Neglect can cause abandonment issues, which then cause intense stress, anxiety, insecurity, and overall traumatic response to a break of a friendship/relationship

Neglect can cause craving of being ‘taken care of’ or ‘being the caretaker’ rather than pursuing equal and completely mutual relationships

Abuse can lead you to bond intensely with a 'favourite person' which puts you into a position where you can easily be groomed or exploited, and unable to get out of it.

Abuse leads into idealizing people who show us even the minimum of kindness.

Abuse can make us crave ‘feeling important’ even from abusers

Parentification

Parentification teaches you to take care of other people as a Survival Strategy

Abusive parents can set you up to live as a resource to others

Abuse teaches you to keep your pain secret while tearing yourself apart to care for other's pain.

Socializing

Abuse starves us out of conversation, touch, gentleness, community, and it can be painful to introduce ourselves (back) to it.

Abuse makes casual socializing anxiety-inducing and frightening.

Social abuse can invoke social anxiety.

Abuse can make attention feel dangerous.

Abusive parents can sabotage you socially, making your real entrance into social life only after you get away from them, and by that time you've missed out on valuable development of social skills and you're starting with a disadvantage

Suffering the pain of abuse alone can make you feel like isolating yourself and being away from people is the only safe way to exist.

Suffering long-term abuse can make you intensely doubt people's intentions (and sometimes you might be right).

Abuse can make any criticism in a social situation extremely painful and triggering for us

Abuse can create strict double standards for how we're allowed to live and feel, and what others are allowed.

Intimacy and closeness will trigger emotional flashbacks, painful memories and personal crisis, making you unwilling to try and be close to people.

Long term abuse makes it painful for us to receive or accept comfort.

Abuse can make us feel indebted for comfort.

Abuse makes us feel like we're craving abuse when we're only craving comfort

Abuse makes us look for positive attention in non-effective or dangerous ways.

Abuse can make you blame yourself for any social interaction that hurts you.

Abuse makes us dismiss our own discomfort with others.

#abuse checklist #child abuse #cptsd #abusive relationships #abusive friendships #abusive parents #aftermath of abuse #social abuse #aftermath of neglect #child neglect #toxic relationships #toxic friendships #parentification

[moonlit-positivity]

Friends can be abusive. Friends can be creepy and invasive and obsessive and stalk you just as much as other people too. Friends can invade your boundaries and be gross about it too. Friends can be emotionally exploitative and abusive just as much. Friendship abuse exists. And if you have a "friend" who does not self inspect when you ask them to stop, then you seriously deserve much better than that. You deserve to have a safe friendship. You deserve to be taken seriously. You deserve much better than someone who can't get their shit together. Please do not feel bad for setting boundaries against ANYONE friend or otherwise, who cannot give you that.

#recovery #ptsd #trauma #mental health #boundaries #healing #healing thoughts #self awareness #abuse #friendship abuse #friend abuse #emotional abuse #emotional manipulation #relationships #toxic friendships #abusive friendships #self care

[aroaceconfessions]

I think it's important for everyone here to know this, especially since I noticed a lot of you seem to be pretty young.

Friendships can be abusive too. We are told about toxic relationships but it's so often linked to romance that this is something less talked about but friends can screw up your mind the same way.

I had a "friend" in high school. He was way older than me (like 7 years) so it was already not that safe but he was super abusive. He would tell me that he was not interested in having a romance with anyone and since I was not either, I felt heard and comfy. But he was jealous just like an abusive boyfriend would be. He once got super angry at me for talking to another one of my friends online while he was sleeping and I was found crying by my irl best friend. He threatened my friends and slowly made me isolate myself from anyone. He goy pissed if I didn't text him every hour. He would lower my self-esteem more and more everyday with phrases that I still have running through my head twelve years later. One in particular "if you like this song don't ruin it" comes back a lot when I'm singing, even if it's just for myself.

He was my friend, or so I thought. And he did a lot of other things that I will not mention here because they are still traumatizing and I don't want it to be tagged with triggering things that could make people miss this but please, stay safe. Abusers are not just romantic partners and as aspec, we can sometimes feel isolated and become very vulnerable to people who pretend to be our friends. Never let your boundaries be stepped on by someone just because they're your friend. Real friends respect you. Real friends are human and can make mistakes, sure, but they will not abuse you and tear your mind appart.

You all deserve the best. Whether you want friends, qpr, romantic partners, please my fellow arospec and acespec, stay safe. A little loneliness is better than an abuser and you can find real friends and people who will care about you.

#friends #friendship #abuse #abusive relationships #abusive friendships #toxic friendships #toxic friends #aromantic #asexual #aroace #arospec #acespec #aspec #aroacespec #arose

[anitha-witchlady]

We focus on abuse in romantic relationships, but I think abuse in friendships is much less talked about- if at all.

In my experience, its effects can be just as detrimental as abuse suffered in romantic relationships.

Please don't invalidate the survivors of friendship abuse- they have it hard enough as it is.

Remember you are all worthy of love, all of you- regardless of where you come from or who you have become.

Thanks for reading my PSA!

anitha-witchlady

#tw trauma #healing from trauma #post traumatic growth #self healing #self worth #self love #emotional abuse #friendship abuse #abusive friendships #all of you are lovely and your abuse is valid #poets of color #free verse #lowercase poetry #mental health poetry #confessional poetry #poets on tumblr #tumblr poet #my poetry #own poetry

[inthereellife]

I just, gotta get something off my chest. And if anyone out there knows what I'm talking about or has any advice? Please hmu? I'd really appreciate it.

(For context I am a grown adult woman in my early 30s and this person is in his mid 30s. We were friends and there was no romantic relationship. I'm ace and he- at least at the time- thought he was likely on the asexuality spectrum as well)

The thing no one tells you about when you get ditched by a narcissistic abusive person, is that you can heal and know they were bad for you and for others- but still wish they were in your life. I know what this friend did was terrible for me. I know the way he distorted my perceptions was insidious. I see the tragedy in the relationships that were lost because of his influence. I see the damage. He is still out there, years later, talking shit about me- to people who work in our industry even! And I know how he's portraying everything in that confident "benevolent" way, full of therapy-speak so it sounds smart and kind and honest. While at the same time telling people how terrible I am. I know he's doing that because he told that shit to me about others all the time under the guise of being concerned about them or the people around them or their ability to do their job. And I know he's doing it about me because of the awkward averted gazes when people we both work with say "Oh yeah HisName mentioned something like that."

And all I do is try to move past it because I know I can't go toe-to-toe with him when it comes to manipulating a narrative.

And even with that. I still miss the times before I knew better. I wouldn't go back to it. But a large part of me wishes we were still friends. That I wasn't one of the many people in his wake he no longer put on the "Friend Act" for.

It just, really fucking sucks to miss someone who would treat you this way.

#abusive relationships #abusive friendships #abuse

[nervoustragedyluminary]

Being misgendered repeatedly by an ex friend because I'm on T and apparently I'm therefore not allowed to be "they /Them" anymore & must be he/him while my flatmate repeatedly corrected him while he tried to tell them I was crazy /concern troll them about my mental health because I'd had enough of his abuse & gone no contact has got to be one of the most ridiculous things that's happened to me this year ....

#Almost as ridiculous as the girl who religiously defends every abuser responding to this by going terf on me #Or their other friend who's a predator coming to our house at midnight screaming slurs banging on the door threatening to break our windows #like holy shit I'm lucky I didn't end up hate crimes by them and I'm still anxious it might happen after their creepy friend's “visit” #or the other girl who was trying to pressure me into sex terfing out at my flatmate #or the ex who sabotaged my having a support person for top surgery/almost sabotaged my top surgery who lived with some of them #abusive friendships #Therapy is helpful but holy fuck these people were dangerous to my mh & I shouldn't have put up with it for so long #also being told I was going to die during top surgery by my own mother lol the fuck is my life #trauma #seriously I get panic when I hear someone who sounds like him now and it sucks #im scared because he's bragged about trying to make someone destitute/homeless due to being professionally wronged in the past #&idk what he'd feel motivated to do to hurt or silence me for speaking out about his abuse and connections to a predator #but fuck it what he and the others turned a blind eye to was wrong and no ammount of them threatening witnesses or victims can make it okay

[lunamositii]

Ｌｉｆｅ ａｎｄ Ｇｒｏｗｔｈ

I've been hiding away for almost 4 years now. Keeping to myself about what has been happening in my life. The ups, the downs, and the in-betweens have been kept hidden away in fear that I might have a shadow following me where ever I go. But I'm done hiding; I'm done being afraid of them seeing my growth, who I have become because of them and without them. This is MY story. My name is Luna, and I have survived.

#survivor #abusive friendships #mental abuse #manipulative abuse #narcissistic abuse #gaslighting #loss #family #friends

[mothkingfi]

A little bit of a vent post about friendship, and why I like to be a guide in sky.

#moth #sky children of the light #scotl #sky cotl fanart #sky cotl #thatskygame #friendship #trauma #tw abuse

[furiousgoldfish]

How a friendship (or a relationship) should NOT make you feel:

What if I’m not good enough to be their friend/partner?

If I keep doing everything in my power to please/impress this person, then maybe they’ll someday acknowledge me and like me

I’m not worth their attention. I was stupid to expect them to care about me. I should have known I’m not special to them from the start.

What they just did crushes me inside and makes me feel invisible/worthless/forgettable/abandoned but I know it’s my fault for being like this and I can never bring it up or they’ll think I’m a freak

I should stuff my feelings down and accept that I’m just not that important and that if they accidentally walk all over me this is fine and I have to find a way to be at peace with it

I wish they would give me at least half as much attention as I’m giving them. But if I bring it up, they’ll think I expect too much or that I’m keeping count and I shouldn’t. Maybe one day they’ll return the attention.

I don’t feel cared about at all. I feel just as lonely as when I didn’t have anyone, but now also scared that it’s my fault.

I’m scared of what they’re going to think of me if I say how I feel. I’m scared what they’re going to think if they find out more about me.

I can tell I’ll be abandoned as soon as I confront them about anything unfair and painful they’ve done to me.

I want to have someone but this is painful.

I don’t think they realize my feelings are real, and that I’m a real person who exists even at time when they don’t need me. I don’t think I can explain this to them.

I feel used, but it’s my fault for allowing them to use me. I need to figure this out myself.

I feel that for every good thing I do for their life, they make mine more painful and unbearable. They don’t even notice it because they don’t know what I’m going thru. And I don’t dare to tell them.

If I tell them what’s painful for me, when they inevitably do it again, I’ll know they knew they’re hurting me. I wouldn’t be able to stand it.

Would they just be happier without me?

I’m spending more time fretting and over-analyzing what they’re going to do than enjoying their stay in my life..

I don’t think this person ever cared about me. They only saw what they could get out of me.

I feel like crying repeatedly when I remember things they did and said to me

I feel that they want to keep me even when it’s incredibly painful for me to endure it. I want to be set free. Why won’t they let me go.

If this is your experience in a friendship or a relationship, it’s not love and care that you’re getting out of it. These situation should not happen in a loving, healthy and mutually caring friendships or relationships.

It’s unlikely that you feel slighted by things that aren’t meant to slight you. Being ignored, neglected, left behind, manipulated, used, lead on, groomed, shamed, forced to fear what their perception of you is - those are all scenarios that would upset and bring pain and misery to every single person. You’re not irrational for feeling this, and you don’t have to hide it. If someone is repeatedly making you feel this way, you’re more than justified in leaving. You don’t need to endure this for anyone.

#toxic friendships #toxic relationships #abusive friendships #abusive relationships #emotional abuse #psychological abuse #fear of showing emotions #fear of showing that you're in pain #hiding pain to preserve relationship #minimizing your feelings to enable selfishness and lack of empathy #friendships with no compassion or mutuality #being stepped on and feeling guilty for it

[moonlit-positivity]

A crash course in consent & boundaries

It doesn't matter how badly you want something, if the other person doesn't want it with you then the answer is no.

It doesn't matter how badly you want something even if you want to help someone or give them a compliment or a hug, if they do not want to be helped, complimented, or hugged, then the answer is no.

It doesn't matter how badly you need something from someone, if they are not willing to meet that need then you need to find other ways to get that need met.

Sex is not a requirement or an obligation. Sex is a recreational activity and completely optional.

People do not owe you anything, even if previously discussed. Plans can change, people can change their minds at any time.

Hesitation means no.

Facial expressions & body language count. If they look unimpressed the answer is no.

Being vague & avoidant means no.

Ghosting & blocking means no.

Anything that is not an express and clear "yes", means no.

Never assume consent is given for any situation. Always ask.

Be concise, direct, and to the point when you're asking for something. Do not beat around the bush with what you want. Give them all the details and motives up front.

Expect people to have limits to what they can and can't do for you. Expect yourself to need various sources of help outside of this one person. Expect that people get busy & have lives outside of what you know, and that plans can change or fall through.

I'm gonna say that again- expect to need help outside of what they can give you. It is not healthy to depend so heavily on one singular person for all that you need. Yes this includes emotional support, validation, venting spaces, financial support, etc.

Personal space and familiarity are no exceptions. You still need to ask permission and keep up the communication when living with other people in your space.

Keep the communication open. Notice when things feel "off". Bring it up. Talk about it. Acknowledge it. Don't sweep it under the carpet.

Consent can be revoked at any time.

You do not owe anyone an explanation. Do not expect an explanation when someone says no. It doesn't matter. Respect their answer.

Respect your limits and respect other people's limits too.

#recovery #ptsd #trauma #mental health #boundaries #healing #consent #communication #abuse #covert abuse #abuse tactics #manipulation #abusive parenting #abusive relationships #abusive friendships #bpd #living with bpd #codependency #attachment #attachment theory #people pleasing #relationships #interpersonal relationships

[rfswitchart]

Amity Blight and Her Broken Strings

So, on Twitter, I saw someone say something about Amity and Hunter's relationship (obviously platonic. People who ship them romantically are gross.)

Naturally, I agree with this, as you've seen in my fics Kindness and Forgiveness as well as Road Trip. I feel like they share a best friend/basically sibling sentiment towards each other, and that Amity wouldn't bare ill will towards Hunter having been through the same things he has... HOWEVER, this also brought me to another thought, and it begs a question... Why was Amity, out of all of Hexsquad, able to move when she was turned into a puppet?

Simply really, she was already someone's puppet before and she broke free of their control...

Much like Hunter was because of Belos, Amity was being used, lied to, manipulated and controlled by Odalia. And think about how awful Odalia was to her. Forcing her to break her friendship with Willow, threatening to expel her friends from Hexside, coming between her and her girlfriend. Using her to test weapons and humiliating her publicly. And all so Odalia could have a 'perfect little girl' who was just like her. Amity never understood that things could be different, that she could choose her own destiny. In the care of her mother, she was little more than a puppet...

And of course, we know that Amity's friends helped her realize that. Especially one who kinda became a little more than a friend...

And of course, her understanding and realizing that her dream and goal being that she "wanted to choose her path herself" was what awakened Ghost and gave her a staff. Being able to control your own life, as a victim of child abuse, is so important, especially when you've gone through as much as Amity and especially Hunter. And that's why I think she was able to move on her own, because she is no one's puppet, not anymore. Amity Blight broke free of her chains and she is never, EVER, going to be shackled and puppeted again...

#the owl house #toh amity #amity blight #child abuse #surviving trauma #emotional health #No one's puppet #the power of love #the power of friendship #rose gold #lumity

[loosescrewslefty]

I've seen a few people misinterpreting this scene, and thinking that Willow is saying that she WOULD invade Luz's privacy if it were her, and it's frustrated me to the point where I feel the need to say something, because that is 100% NOT what this scene is about.

Willow is NOT telling Amity to snoop in Luz's phone, or saying she would if it were her. Willow is setting healthy boundaries with Amity.

Willow is concerned about Amity here. And she understand why Amity is worried, and why Amity is tempted to snoop (because she IS tempted. They would not be having this conversation if Amity wasn't) but while she might not intend to do so, Amity is trying to push Willow into being her moral compass, to make a difficult choice FOR Amity, so Amity doesn't have to.

And instead of just telling Amity what SHE would do in her shoes, and taking the burden of deciding if it's right or wrong to look through Luz's phone off of Amity's shoulders, Willow goes for the neural ground. Not judging, not deciding for, but listening to and talking with Amity, so Amity can make HER decision about HER relationship with HER girlfriend, without Willow getting dragged into it more than she is comfortable with. This is the best thing someone could do for Amity at this stage, as she is a recovering abuse victim who still isn't used to deciding things for herself instead of following a predetermined path. Setting a boundary here keeps Amity from slipping into a bad habit and putting an unhealthy expectation on Willow as her friend. Because this is NOT Willow's circus, and these are NOT her monkeys.

This isn't the only time we see them show Willow's character possessing a strong interpersonal intelligence, either. We also see a few examples of Willow showing a keen ability of knowing when it's necessary for her to step in and help because someone she cares about is over their heads and spiraling or bit off more than they could chew;

And when she needs to step back, either to give others space to deal with their emotions or to let them manage things on their own, even if she wants to jump in and help.

This is an extremely difficult balance to strike in a character, but they manage it really well with Willow, making her one of the most level headed characters in the show who is willing and capable of helping others without compromising her own happiness and well being or taking on burdens that she should not be expected to bare.

#the owl house #toh #willow park #amity blight #lumity #luz noceda #character analysis #relationship analysis #healthy boundaries #friendships #abuse tw

[poetrybyonur]

Life is full of choices. How a person treats another is also a choice. If they choose to cherish you, it means they chose you. It means they want you in their life. If they choose to mistreat you, it simply means they didn’t choose you. They don’t care if you stay or go. Be wise and leave.

(Music by Willowbay)

#poets on tumblr #love quotes #love poetry #romantic poetry #love poem #romantic writer #onurtaskiran poetry #poets and writers #gentleman poet #love #poetrybyonur #writers on tumblr #spilled ink #choices #i choose you #friendship quotes #relationship quotes #kindness #abusiveness

[celluloidbroomcloset]

The number of times I've seen some variation of "Izzy isn't trying manipulate" and "Izzy thinks he's in the right" and "From Izzy's perspective, Stede is dangerous/Ed is insane" is honestly driving me fucking bonkers.

You don't have to be doing it deliberately and with explicit, conscious intentionality to be abusing someone. How many abusive parents literally believe that they're doing it for their child's "own good"? How many abusive spouses do it because they "know best"? How many abusive friendships come from "I just want you to fit in"? How many abusive relationships as a whole are couched as "well, but it comes from a place of love"?

Like...please, if you're making these arguments, step back for a moment and think about them.

#ofmd #our flag means death #izzy hands #edward teach #stede bonnet #tw: abuse #i have had experience with abusive friendships #someone with more experience can also weigh in if they like #but this seems...textbook?

[tomwambsgans]

are these assaults gonna be ongoing?

#tomgreg #sad sack wasp trap #1x9 pre-nuptial #2x4 safe room #with open eyes #the consistent remorse and increasingly grand apologies.... #inb4 anyone accuses me of romanticizing abuse. the kind of lashing out tom does is clearly #out of an inability to be vulnerable #and also they're not actually in a relationship for any of this time. it's like toxic male friendship stuff #which i fully believe just isn't gonna happen anymore #at least not once they're actually together #ntm these are isolated incidents brought on by outside stress #and with the last there ceases to be any kind of physical power imbalance bc greg hits back so. yeah #mine

[david-tennant-in-chairs]

I love this beautiful dork so much

#david tennant #david tennant in chairs #Graham norton show #legs for days #just like all the limbs #mortal chairs cannot contain him #no one abuses furniture like him #soft scottish hipster gigolo #he's the prettiest bird #i mean seriously just look at him #he's so damn cute #but also #super sexy #the eyes the hair the nose the everything #his smile is everything #i want to summit him #plenty of room on that lap #catherine tate #their friendship is so cute