#accept the whole person

[lucky-clover-gazette]

i love how rtd probably noticed that over the past two-ish decades the doctor has had several "loves," like from showrunner to showrunner and from companion to companion (rose, river song, the master/missy) and just said fuck it. you know what he needs more than romantic love? a best friend, a hug from himself, and a place where he can stay. and it genuinely feels right. he has spent so many years getting his hearts broken over and over again, and now he finally can heal, surrounded by his family, while fifteen starts his own adventure.

ten/fourteen doesn't want to go, and for the first time ever... he doesn't have to.

#the line about home took me out #idk i'm a big tenrose enjoyer but something about this person who's been so many people #and loved so many people #just finding comfort and acceptance with a whole family and no expectation of romance #it's very nice. #dw spoilers #doctor who spoilers #doctor who #dw #tenth doctor #fourteenth doctor

[stromblessed]

Mizu's spectacles, and the levels of her disguise

In drafting some more Blue Eye Samurai meta posts, I find myself writing out the comparisons between what Mizu can and cannot hide about herself, and how that affects how she moves through the world.

Like, I get the jokes about Mizu's glasses, if only color contacts had existed back then, etc. etc., and I think (hope) that most viewers don't take the glasses jokes seriously, as in "I don't care about the suspension of disbelief because BES is a cartoon." But I wanted to write these thoughts out anyway without burying them in a text post about something else.

I think the points I'm going to lay out here are viewed very differently by different people, so please feel free to add to this post, reply, or put your thoughts in the tags!

Not only do Mizu's glasses not actually help her that much, there's surely more to Mizu's mixed race appearance than just the color of her eyes.

In my view, this was pointed out in episode 1:

I'm willing to bet most of us were expecting young Taigen to say "blue eyes," not "ROUND eyes."

Obviously this is still about Mizu's eyes, but not even spectacles can hide their shape.

I don't think the show is obligated to point out everything about Mizu's face that isn't quite as Japanese as the people around her expect. Though the creators have said that they specifically designed Mizu - and her clothes - to read both as "white" and as "Japanese," as well as both male and female. I think there's more about Mizu's features that read as "white" than just her eyes.

This is where my own headcanons start entering the picture, but it's my impression that people can just tell that Mizu looks different, whether or not they can put a finger on exactly how.

There's the little girl who looks at Mizu and then hides on the way into Kyoto:

When there's more to your face you'd like to cover up than just your eyes, big hats are a big help!

By the way, most of these examples have to come from the first half of the season, since by the second half, either Mizu is too preoccupied with fighting henchmen, or everyone Mizu is facing knows who she is already, and she therefore has no reason to hide her mixed race identity.

It's worth mentioning that the mere fact that Mizu has to hide multiple aspects of her identity - her mixed race and her sex - results in her having to choose clothes that really, really cover her up, which doesn't win her any favors either:

(Zatoichi reference, anyone?)

If it were as easy as, for example, tying her glasses to her head and wa-lah, nobody would ever know she was half-white - then (1) Mizu would've just done that long ago, and (2) Mizu wouldn't be so on guard and on tenterhooks 100% of the time the way she's depicted in the show, even when her glasses are on.

Her spectacles sure don't help her in the brothel, which is full of observant women who are trying to seduce her, meaning they get good long looks at her:

Mizu never takes her glasses off, but they still send a woman to her who has light eyes, thinking that must be what will interest a blue-eyed man:

No wonder Mizu gets mad after this, lol

So Mizu never takes her spectacles off in the brothel, it's dimly lit inside, and the women can still tell that she has blue eyes. I'm getting the sense that Mizu putting on her spectacles isn't a guarantee that people suddenly can't tell that she looks different.

And yet no one spots that she's female.

Mizu can hide her breasts, can wear her hair in the right style, can hide what's between her legs, can walk and talk and behave like a man - and she's been doing it for almost her entire life, to the point that not only is she very good at it, but the threat of being found out as female is deadly, but isn't presented in the show as omnipresent.

Let me explain.

She threatens Ringo for nearly saying the word "girl" out loud, because while she's constantly ostracized for being mixed race, being a woman traveling without a chaperone, carrying a sword, and disguised as a man will get her killed or flogged or arrested or some combination of these things.

But in addition, it's been drilled into her since she was a child that if she is discovered as female, the combination of her being mixed race and female will identify her as someone extremely specific, someone known to some bad people, and she will be killed:

I think of it as Mizu thinking to herself, "Being found out as mixed race means I'm treated badly. Being found out as mixed race and a woman means I'm dead."

Mizu's hair is cut as a child. But she isn't made to wear a big hat, or cover her eyes somehow, or anything like that. Because hiding her sex is a more successful endeavor than hiding her race.

Ringo finds out she's female by accident, but once Mizu accepts the fact that he won't rat her out, she relaxes pretty early on in the season. Because the threat of being found out as female is mitigated pretty much 99.9%, since Mizu has gotten so good at being a man. And also, because most of the time, people see what they want to see. Even if Mizu's face makes her stand out as "not 100% Japanese," no one in the world of BES looks at Mizu's clothes, her bearing, her sword, hears her voice, and will ever in a million years conclude that she is a woman, because expectations around gender roles in the Edo period were so rigid and so widely enforced.

One detail that proved this to me is after the Four Fangs fight:

Ringo takes off Mizu's clothes so he can stitch her up, then leaves her clothes off even after he's done. He doesn't even throw her cloak over her as a blanket or anything. There's a little a straw (pallet?) as a divider there on the left, but anyone could just peek around it and see Mizu and her chest bindings. (I think it's mostly there as a windbreaker.)

And Taigen is right there, but he doesn't give a shit:

Opinions probably vary hugely on this, but my impression is that because the show doesn't make any kind of deal about Taigen being in the room with Mizu here, my guess is that Mizu isn't in any danger of Taigen thinking she's female. Even when I watched the show for the first time, I assumed that Taigen had seen Mizu out of her clothes here, and that he thought nothing of it.

Eat your heart out, Li Shang (Mulan 1998). I actually do think that this scene is a direct and purposeful side-eye to that movie, lol

There's obviously some nuance to how "severe" being mixed race is compared to how "severe" being a woman is for Mizu:

After all, Swordfather can't bear to listen to Mizu confess to being a woman.

So a Japanese man can go wherever he wants, whenever he wants in BES. A Japanese woman has limited options: marriage, religion, or a brothel. A mixed-race man is an eyesore in this story. A mixed-race woman is a death sentence.

May as well eliminate the female aspect, and do what you can about the mixed-race aspect. Because that's just realistic.

Meaning Mizu can avoid the strictures Edo society places on women. But she can't avoid the repercussions that come with being mixed race. And I truly don't think that it's just because "there's no brown contacts yet."

#blue eye samurai #mizu #racism #bes #I am truly disappointed that we didnt get absolute confirmation that Taigen saw Mizus bound chest and just didnt think it was a big deal #but I still think that scene is making a point #again I dont think most people take the glasses jokes seriously #but its been bothering me ever since I first saw them #I really dont think Mizu just looks like a 100 percent Japanese person...... with blue eyes #and I bet that will be made even more obvious when she goes to London where Im sure she will meet plenty of people #who are more than happy to point out their observations to her #also I ran out of room in this post to go into it but this is also what made Mizus marriage an absolutely doomed prospect #Mikio talks about wanting to find the right creature for his lord and well... a mixed race woman is the right creature huh #he just needed a little push imo #getting kind of sad at the thought that Ringo is the only person in Mizus life who knows her whole identity AND accepts it wholly

[vaguely-concerned]

there are a lot of daddy issues to go around on DS9 in general, but odo, bashir and garak are really in their own special little fucked up 'what am I but wrought in my father's image' club

#star trek #star trek ds9 #ds9 #odo #julian bashir #elim garak #(I personally think we should put their dads in a cage match and let them kill each other. tain would probably win #but we could just shoot him after he claimed that victory. I Would Like To See It) #the triumvirate of bad dads to karmically oppose the sheer power of good dad vibes benjamin sisko has #specifically dads who Cannot and Will Not allow the healthy individuation of their sons into whole separate people #apart from what their father's hands have shaped them into #where that is one of the first things sisko accepts and realizes he must allow jake to do right at the early seasons #the bad dad club boys seem more specifically forcibly held in place to serve as mirrors for their fathers #and have to find ways to break away from that in more or less graceful ways; breaking off more or less important parts of themselves #to do so #dr mora seems to have a 'oh fuck.' moment where he sort of realizes what he's done #but the sympathy that gains him from me is hm. neglible lmao at least tain is basically fully just a monster #what's your excuse mora #I haven't met bashir's dad properly yet but I've seen enough to suspect I'm not going to be very charitably inclined towards him either

[itsbenedict]

alright, i just got around to finishing Dungeon Meshi- and damn if it didn't stick the landing!

there's a lot to recommend in this manga. first- it's extraordinarily fucking funny. it does not forget that it's a comic, and consistently has great visual gags even when something deeply fucked up and serious is happening.

and it fires on all other cylinders, too- the character designs are great, the worldbuilding is intricate and believable and does a lot of interesting things with standard fantasy tropes, the main cast is likable and has a great dynamic, the story keeps a lot of plates spinning without getting up its own ass or forgetting the details...

but the thing that really impresses me about Dungeon Meshi- the thing that sticks out as something it does uniquely well- is the theming.

Dungeon Meshi is about hunger and eating. it is about those things, hardcore. just about every plot point and every character dynamic is about that theme, approached from a dazzling array of different angles. it's got plenty to say about like, actual food and cooking, sure- but it also gets into the nature of desire, the cycle of predation, differing personal tastes, taking the other into oneself, satiation vs motivation... it makes sure that every development in the story is grounded in and building on that theme somehow.

Food is not a gimmick- Food is what the story is about, and not as a bit. this isn't a silly food-world full of food-creatures and food-magic- this is a normal, well-developed fantasy setting, in which a story is being told that focuses relentlessly on the relationship of the characters to food and eating. it manages to feel completely natural, even with so much going on that you'd think the food thing would get in the way. it doesn't get in the way. the story was designed around it, down to the smallest detail.

i think it might be a 10/10 manga! it does everything it sets out to do, completely successfully, with a ton of humor and charm. well-paced, well-drawn, well-written, good ending- i can't think of anything to complain about. highly recommended.

#manga rec #dungeon meshi #(okay that's not true i can think of one thing to complain about but it's just my personal pet peeve #there's some wouldn't-it-suck-to-live-forever acceptance-of-death stuff in there that bugs me #but it's pretty reasonable about it #marcille's life extension thing is portrayed as sensible and sympathetic #and the whole story is a quest to bring someone back from the dead #it can't resist the usual platitudes but it's not completely stupid about it)

[novelconcepts]

In watching more interviews with Liv about Van and the escalation of Van's pragmatism to such dark degrees, I find myself genuinely baffled that anyone could ever think Van the bad guy. I mean, I'm perplexed at finding ANY of these girls The Bad Guy. The bad guy is the situation. It's being lost. It's freezing. It's starving. It's being scraped down to the barest bone of being alive. They make choices that might be snippy, or cruel, or hard-headed, sure--Shauna refusing to just hash it out with Jackie; Jackie being too stubborn to come inside; Taissa refusing to discuss her situation plainly; etc--but by the time we reach the end of season 2, it doesn't even matter. Petty bullshit doesn't matter. Jealousy doesn't matter. Those things are still going to be present and complicated, because--for all their choices, for all the distancing they're trying to do--these kids ARE still human beings. But it isn't the point.

The point is survival. Plain, simple, straightforward. Van's pragmatism is survival. It is the difference between living another day with blood on your teeth or dying pretty. It is the difference between fighting forward through the fire and the snow and the hell of it all, and laying down to die. Van knowing, in watching the ritual violence of Shauna beating Lottie nearly the death, that they will be killing and eating one another soon. Van coming up with the cards for the hunt. Van not blinking when the moment comes, Van choosing a weapon that doubles as a tool to bring the body back, Van refusing to apologize for staying alive--it's not evil. It's not Bad Guy behavior. It's purely about survival, because there is nothing else left to her--or to any of them. They can play the pretty little Sweet Angel Girl game and die, or they can get dirty, bloody, horrific and fight. Van chooses the fight. Van chooses to fight for herself, for her lover, for her team, even knowing not everyone is going to make it out...because the alternate path there is that no one makes it out. Van knew the baby wouldn't live. Van knows the rest of them won't, either. Not unless they start making the hard choices.

And, honestly, the fact that Van sees this narrative coming. Comes up with this plan. Brings out the cards. To me, that is the opposite of Bad Behavior. That is as close to justice as anyone can find in the wilderness. If someone else came up with an idea, maybe it would have come down to voting--but that would have had such a human element to it, with bitterness or hostility or whatever ultimately petty shit always comes of humans selecting who to Other. The cards don't leave room for that. It isn't fair, because the situation isn't fair, because Man vs. Nature isn't fair, but it's as close to a just system as they could possibly find. It's the kindest solution to an unwinnable game. Not to bring it back to American Gods again, but all I can think is "it's easy, there's a trick to it: you do it, or you die." Van gave them that.

#yellowjackets #yj meta #van palmer #i simply cannot ever accept people blindly hating ANY of the girls for their actions at the end of S2 #because by that point it's not about personality flaws or errors of judgement or teenage bullshit #it's survival. it's literally do or die. #be mad at the stuff they did the first few weeks out there. THAT was in their control. #but by the end of S2 it's 'do i want to live? cool. then this is the next step. there IS nothing else. we are eating belts.' #every once in a while on instagram or somewhere i see a hot take like 'oh this whole thing is THIS girl's fault' #and it's like no no. no--apart from misty busting the black box--NOTHING these girls do will change the fact of their situation #they might make it worse or make it more palatable but in the end #it's the purity of man vs. nature as a story #and any of them getting darker. more logical. more pragmatic. just means they're putting another day breathing first. #the human element of it comes in with the faith and the ritual and the acceptance of violence--but the violence was coming either way #'this place cannot be argued with. and that is how we survive: by giving into that.' exactly. liv hewson you genius. exactly.

[c-hrona]

Thank you for protecting my dreams and hopes... Vash.

Close ups!

#trigun stampede #trigun anime #trigun #vash the stampede #rem saverem #angel arm #listen #this episode destroyed me #and the fact that the angel arm color was violet/pinkish made me remember of her #and!!!! #the fact!!! #that he tries till the very end to save everyone for her!!! for her memory!!!! #i'm so fucking weak!!!!! #also Vash smiling because he's accepting himself both as a plant and as a human #I'd like to do a whole fucking essay on why this scene changed me as a person but for now #chronart

[terriblygrimm]

“The other thing that was very important to me was finding a way to tell this story so that fans and non-fans alike could understand that were it not for his sister, Spock could not fully actualize himself with Kirk. When they say goodbye, she says, “I want you to find the person who is least like you,” and she’s obviously talking about Kirk. Spock takes that advice, and she’ll never know it.” - Alex Kurtzman

friendly reminder that michael’s last line to spock is about his future with kirk

#side eyeing you sp.apel gifset i saw the other day with that quote on it #spirk #star trek #snw #the point of the sp.apel and t’pring failures is to show that they both need / want / desire a half of spock that he cant give #he’s incapable of being casual for christine and he’ll never live up to a full vulcans expectations (tpring and her fam) #so theyre failed relationships with a purpose! i loved seeing them flesh out they were fun and cute and angsty! but like #the point of them was to fail! #to highlight how he becomes entirely accepted by kirk #as a whole person #and how he grows into himself and realizes he doesnt need to splice his personality #!!!! #bitch!!!

[onthemerits]

no one told me that the simone-karl plot from why women kill would rip my heart out and stomp it into little itty bitty pieces

#why women kill #im so late to this #but they mean so much to me #people talk about the beth ann plot being the best but like... #"please youre my best friend”... “its not enough” #turning into #“i want only you here”... “you're the love of my life” #but still in a plaTONIC WAY #where simone accepts the reality of their love and puts aside her pride and chooses to show up for karl #because hes her favorite person in the whole wide world even if they dont love each other romantically #and she cant imagine life without him #and then ends up... #and her devoting her life to... #bahhhhh im dead #literally deceased #~~like karl~~

[divorcedfiddleford]

it is friday my dudes (little hearts added by @tazmiilly)

#sorryyyyyy for not posting ... please accept these as compensation #gravity falls #fiddleford mcgucket #artwork of the damned #tales of the wild zeep #ummmm ok context for the first one should be mostly self-explanatory #i purposefully left the person he's calling open to interpretation #however for the record i will say i am a 'fiddleford was divorced before he came to gravity falls' truther #but that does not mean he would never call back to cali to check in on his son or anything #so take that as you will #uhhhh everything else is pretty silly and doesnt require much explanation i dont think?? #i dont draw pre-college fidds a lot even though i literally have a whole backstory written for him LOLLLL #also i have a whole complex where when i draw a character pre-transition i feel embarrassed #sort of like i've walked in on them in the bathroom or something. like 'whoops sorry' and i politely look away #want to make it VERY CLEAR i dont think theres anything wrong or bad about drawing someone pre-transition!! #it's just a weird thing ive noticed about myself that i'm trying to deal with #and it literally only happens when i'm drawing. not when i'm writing

[turtleblogatlast]

Absolutely love the idea that it was April who got the boys super into snow days.

Like, pre-April, they probably would view the days as miserable, since as turtles they’re likely more susceptible to the cold and back then they probably had much less to keep warm with.

The cold altogether was just never good to them - and then April comes around and teaches them how to make a snowman. And when it’s done, she pelts them with snowballs. And suddenly, the cold is now fun, and they might still be shivering, but now they’re smiling too.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt headcanons #obligatory paragraph of text incoming- #but god I love April so much #I kinda implied it in this post but to go further - April is FUN #she’s energetic and quick witted and kind and overall just FUN #and that is so important!!!! #she as April O’Neil is the embodiment of friendliness and that alone got her four whole brothers for life #she’s just - she’s SO GOOD #she GETS the boys and gets what they need and will go about it in her own way #and likewise they’re exactly what she needs too - a group that matches her energy and vibes and gusto and everything #god I Love April #not even just the boys I love her relationship with splinter too #I personally think that interacting with a human being probably helps Splinter humanize HIMSELF #he adores his boys oh of course he does he loves them to the moon and back #but they are also a direct link to his trauma - and a direct reminder of what he now is #so I imagine it’s healing - to interact with a human and not only that but to see her interact with his boys too #I bet it brings a much needed sense of normalcy #and specifically it being April - someone who’s so accepting and kind and fun - I think she brought a lot of great vibes to the hamatos #and a new sense of normalcy that wasn’t there before #and in turn I bet this makes April feel more at ease too because- #the hamatos are WEIRD #and so is April! #and thus they’re so weird that it circles back around to being normal! #this is THEIR normal #they’re family your honor- #APRIL IS ALSO SO INCREDIBLY BRAVE BTW #like soooo brave and daring like she’s so cool???? #sorry she’s my second fave after Leo and I do not gush about her nearly as much as I should I loveeeee her

[autistic-beshelar]

rue is, i think, in love with the idea of love.

they set a wager. the lords of the wing will find true love in this romantic, ephemeral bloom, if they only seek it. they can win it, as though it’s a game.

they long to abolish the courts. their own court has never held any love for them - why would any other court be different? a court stifles, a court smothers, a court suffocates love. the courts must be abolished, so that love can bloom. true love, love that is unfettered by politics, or station, or duty.

they are the architect of the bloom. the hunt, the heart. the dance. the potions. they will pour love into a cup and the guests will drink their fill. fae from across the realms will fall in beautiful, perfect love at rue’s hand. 

they have become the arbiter of love. when an engagement between a cruel prince and a wild goblin is set, what else can they do but judge it unfit? it was not love, it was not true. 

they share a moment in a forest with a venerated captain. he is tall, as they are. he is clawed, as they are. he is a beast, as they are, and so beautiful for it. they fall fast, and hard, and heavy. and perhaps it is only the nature of queerness, of a life lived behind a mask, yearning for the faintest spark, that causes them to love so fast. 

or perhaps they did not truly fall in love with hob at all. for they did not see him. 

they fell in love with a reflection of themself.

except, of course, that hob is not a reflection of rue. hob is his own person, and like any real person, he cannot live up to an idea. and while rue is on a wonderful journey of revelation and self acceptance, it is baffling to them that someone else’s love does not always mirror their own.

rue, in an act of bravery and vulnerability and hope, removed their mask. and they long so very much to remove hob’s - but he has never worn a mask. he has always been exactly as he is - a soldier, devoted and dutiful. an outsider, used and abused by his court. rue’s true form was hidden by their court, while hob’s otherness has always been mercilessly exposed.

rue loves hob for the idea of who he could be, if he could simply unmask as they did. but hob needs, just as rue does, to be loved for who he is.

#this really went from 'rue doesn't truly understand love and is fucked up about it' #to 'rue thinks hob's story is one of queerness but it is in fact of neurodivergence' #and while rue could pass #hob never could #this hurt me to write btw. #a court of fey and flowers #delloso de la rue #captain kp hob #i see a LOT of talk about rue's story being a queer one #which it very very deliberately and wonderfully is #but i see the same being said of hob #and i'm not saying it's wrong to see hob's story as a queer one too #but to me hob's entire narrative is so clearly an autistic one #the abuse and manipulation and straight up gaslighting that he has received from his superiors #reads so clearly as authority figures taking advantage of a neurodivergent person #his whole... inability to accept that anyone could love him for who he is #the way he is othered not so much for how he looks #but for his BEHAVIOUR #for things that are blatant autistic traits #that's... that's an autistic narrative for sure. #not to say that hob isn't also queer #and of course there is so so much overlap between queer stories and autistic stories #but i think that #rue is only seeing their experience as a queer person #they aren't understanding that hob's experience is different than theirs #because he is autistic #also for many other reasons but like. look. we're talking autism babey. #and also i'm not saying rue can't also be autistic or neurodivergent in some way #but they don't have the same experience as hob does

[beaulesbian]

maybe it's how luffy's love for zoro is more subtle in the animanga (even if it's everpresent), and people usually more point out zoro's devotion to luffy than how luffy cares for him., that the live action show really went and made luffy say to zoro: I need you. It's so simple, I need you. to instantly get across just how important zoro is to luffy

#bc its so simple to both versions of luffy!! #just thinking about soft zolu and their love for each other ;-; #zolu #one piece #the opla “i need you” is just rlly nice to hear #and zoro takes it so much to his heart. makes it his whole personality afterwards #(not rlly but you know. from like devotion lvl 50 to lvl 1000 in the span of those words) #animanga zoro immediately saw luffy as his captain in the chapter they won their first fight together #already accepting this would be their future and all his insane amount of loyalty and trust were there almost immediately #and the live action took it slower with showing luffy how he needs his first mate to be by his side #otherwise he can't properly function! they weren't a complete team when zoro was healing #why are they so much of all this?? ;-; #mine #gif:zolu #gif:writing #gif:opla

[arthursfuckinghat]

Full disclosure, I'm still on chapter 6 but I wanted to say a few things:

Arthur isn't a mindless killer. If he is mass murdering civilians, that's your choice.

Arthur knows that pain is not currency that you can exchange, and causing it only builds a debt - the kind he can't pay off.

He says it himself, "Revenge is a fool's game" - He writes constantly about his remorse in the journal.

Led by Dutch, the Van Der Linde gang have been chasing the feeling of living by their own terms so much that it's killing them. Pursuing that high has only left them to run forever, from those who want to clip their wings of freedom for the sake of law.

The O'Driscoll and Cornwall feud is a scapegoat for Dutch to get revenge for himself and his pride, he uses his charismatic rhetoric to sway the gang and justify all his actions. If they don't obey, they get named and shamed. Dutch labeling the gang as a family and treating them as such has conditioned them to know not to disappoint him, especially Arthur.

Arthur was taught not to bite the hand that feeds him, even when he wasn't fed.

The days of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor are long gone. Their way of living is outdated and they're running out of land to run away to.

This pursuit of freedom, once idealised, has become a desperate attempt to survive in a world that doesn't want them.

Their hearts have always been in the right place, but their guns were misguided by Dutch.

That loyalty has killed them.

#charles is the only other sane person in this game #dutch's whole “im doing this for us but it only benefits me” manipulation has worked #arthur is seeing through that act but us still torn about it #he has accepted that he might die to his loyalty to dutch but he doesn't want it for anybody else either #how did we go from “youre more than a son to me” dutch to “I need no traitors” whilst glaring at arthur #hosea's death happened #but it's been a long time coming #arthur morgan #dutch van der linde #van der linde gang #rdr2 #red dead redemption 2 #mick squeaks #no spoilers please #liveblogging #please let me know your thoughts!!

[ffcrazy15]

"Oh so when James Kirk refuses to believe in no-win scenarios it's 'changing the conditions of the test' and 'commendable original thinking,' but when I, Bradward Boimler, can't accept the possibility of failure and retake the Kobiyashi Maru sixteen times–"

#lower decks #star trek lower decks #brad boimler #in my headcanon his first performance wasn't *great* but he did technically pass #but by refusing to accept that he hadn't beat the test and insisting on retaking it he turned his pass into a fail #and he *kept* retaking it until the instructor point-blank told him that there was no way to beat the program #And that the whole point was to experience personal failure #And *even then* Boims was like “so you mean by failing I actually HAVEN'T failed at all!” #“No that's not– ugh you know what sure. Gold star kid. Just get out of my office." ”Did I get an A+?“ ”OUT!“ #Completely missed the point of the exam and they basically pity-passed him after the seventeenth try #Mariner on the other hand already knew what the point of the test was ahead of time #(She didn't cheat she was still a goody-two-shoes at this point) (An older classmate or friend happened to mention it around her) #But she *did* think it was a bullshit test and just pretended to be humbled and accept defeat in order to get a good grade #She doesn't believe in no-win scenarios either #It's part of what makes them a good team

[bumblingbabooshka]

[Tuvok & Janeway: Control, Distance, Duty & Connection.] Sources: St Voyager Transcripts / Mitski 'First Love Late Spring' / Disco Elysium

#web weaving #star trek web weaving #st voyager #Kathryn Janeway #Tuvok #be the change you want to see in the world - make a long post about Tuvok & Janeway's similarities <- angel on my shoulder #I feel like a lot of people see them as 'opposites attract' sort of friends where Janeway is unhinged & Tuvok reigns her in #but in reality I think that while there is that element in there (exacerbated HEAVILY by their delta quad circumstances) #what I see most in their relationship is how they both value loyalty and duty above all and are extremely rigid with themselves #and the people around them. How they both have to maintain distance from others bc of their positions as captain & vulcan #I hate when people dismiss Tuvok as not being remotely interested in Maryana or Noss - it erases an interesting struggle that he and Janewa #both share - their desire to stay loyal to their spouses vs the 70 years of loneliness that that loyalty demands of them #But they BOTH triumph and they BOTH remain loyal (Tuvok until he returns to T'Pel and Janeway until Mark informs her that it's over) #and for both of them it's a little bit insane for them to do that. #Isn't it more interesting that Janeway and Tuvok both have feelings for people other than their spouses but don't give in #to that temptation? #They're both people who live very fastidiously by codes. Either written codes or moral codes - they very rarely if ever do things because #it's what THEY want to do. I'd say they're the least emotion-driven members of the crew and yes I'm including Seven because Seven #has a very...how to describe? It's a blunt and insular selfishness. She does what SHE wants to do and doesn't really care about others. #To me that's emotion-driven. Or...personal desire-driven? Not a bad thing at all but very different from Janeway & Tuvok who #are always more 'this is logical' or 'this is for the crew' rarely do they think 'this is what I want' bc they can't afford to #for different reasons (captain & vulcan) #they both also are in the most 'caretaking' positions on the ship from my POV. Security and Captain - both are directly in charge of #ship and crew safety. #Janeway & Tuvok #star trek voyager #st voy #when I say caretaking I'm NOT saying they're everyone's mom and dad or whatever - I'm saying they're in positions where they always #have to think about the greater good and the crew as a whole and how much danger is acceptable etc etc. #Janeway is always killing herself for the crew but Tuvok is right there beside her

[midnight-mismanagement]

I’ve been thinking about That Church SceneTM and idk I think what hit me hardest was how Spike is talking about his former pre-soul mindset and how naive it is. He says “and she shall look on him with forgiveness and love and everyone will forgive and love and he will be loved” because while pre-soul he knew he was a monster and he knew he had done horrible things, he was okay with those things, he was a vampire after all, but he felt horrible for what he did to Buffy, but even then he still had a bit of hope. From the outside looking in, Angel’s soul seemed like the “button” for the “be good” switch. It would be the “piece that would make [him] fit” so he would be the “kind of man who would never [hurt her].” The “be a man not a monster” switch, that would make him be able to tell right from wrong and never hurt the people he loves anymore. But...the soul is not a “be good” switch. I don’t really know what the soul exactly is, since it’s never really concrete in the lore, but it doesn’t just make him fit, it doesn’t turn him into what he wants, but what it does do, is make him much more aware of himself and what he’s done, and he comes to the realization that no, there is no forgiveness. There never will be, he will never be worthy of it. He is condemned. He says “it’s okay now, right?” with hopeful despondency because he knows it will never be okay. Spike has always wanted acceptance, and love, and he sought it from places he would never get it, and now he knows he will never get it because he shouldn’t.

So when he goes up in flames by the end in heroic sacrifice and all that jazz, he’s happy he even got to have an ending like this, he’s finally doing something right. And when he comes back in Angel, as a ghost with no ability to affect the world around him (except annoy the crap out of Angel) he feels he is on borrowed time. In the moment of burning up, he didn’t have to think about if he would end up in hell or the aftermath, but with Pavayne toying with him, tugging him in to hell, it’s a slow torture of what he’s known all along, even if he didn’t fully want to face it. He is still condemned. And yet, given what he believes to be the one opportunity to stave off the inevitable for however longer and get a body, he still chooses Fred’s life over his own. And Fred tells him “you’re someone worth saving.” She doesn’t condemn him. She believes in him, like Buffy did, and this time it’s someone he doesn’t have a rocky past with or romantic feelings with, she just sees him for him and wants to help. And in the end he gets a body while she loses hers, and it’s because Angel and Spike did the “right” thing because it’s what Fred would’ve wanted. I think soulless him would’ve saved Fred, even if it meant condemning so many others. 

And on the day he thinks will once again be his last before the big suicide mission showdown (which he was the first to volunteer for), he doesn’t call Buffy to give her the pain of finding he’s alive only to die again, instead he goes to a bar and reads his poetry, the window into his shameful, soft soul that was stamped on and laughed at the last time he was a human, and hopes for acceptance. And he gets it.

#I just have a lot of Spike feelings all of a sudden #this is how I procrastinate is by falling down eighth grade rabbit hole obsessions #but yeah just very much the whole #will this fix me oh shit nothing can #and it was me who did that #is very much oof #the soul doesn't make him a good person #it just holds up a mirror he hasn't seen himself in since he was a human #and it's on him to figure out what to choose from here #to keep going or sink into his inevitable condemnation #and accept there is no salvation only living #or unliving #btvs #spike #spike btvs #buffy the vampire slayer