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gravytrainnaturebornn · 3 months

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the power of self-talk in the fight against self-sabotage (for binge-eaters and ppl who have never been skinny🫶)

disclaimer: this is not proana. this is for people who struggle with binge eating as a form of self-sabotage, emotional comfort, self harm, etc. overeating can cause just as much harm physically and mentally as undereating. please be safe. now, on with the show!

weight loss, but specifically extreme weight loss, equals change. change equals discomfort, so people tend to subconsciously avoid change. this is why starting to see progress on the scale or your body can trigger the urge to self-sabotage that progress and binge eat.

for people who have been big their whole lives, that fear is heightened by the fact that being thin is completely uncharted territory. by following through, youre entering a new world that youve never navigated before. your brain might get scared, say its much too big a mountain to climb, and tell you to give up. its easier to say fuck it because for most people, unhappiness is a comfort zone. if youre used to hating your body and wanting it to change, then actually *changing* it poses a very serious threat to your comfort and the lifestyle youre used to.

questions like: "what if i reach my goal and im still unhappy/unattractive?" "what if i dont look like myself?" "what if i reach my goal, cant sustain it, and then i gain it all back and humiliate myself?" can all make someone feel anxious about succeeding in their weight loss journey. and for people with overeating issues, this is a big trigger for binge episodes.

so how do you combat this instinct to self sabotage? well, im not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt, but for me it helps to soothe these subconscious fears and train the brain to fight these urges. self-talk and thought-correction play a HUGE role in rewiring the pathways in your brain that lead you to bingeing. truly, practice and consistency are the only things that are going to cause a big change, so stick with it !

correcting problematic thoughts *immediately* when they form is key to preventing problematic behavior in the future, and that starts with being able to identify those thoughts. the moment you catch yourself thinking about food, cut yourself off with a correction. maybe even think about food on purpose a few times to practice recognizing and correcting it.

for example, if you just ate an hour ago, chances are youre not actually hungry yet. tell yourself that as soon as you realize youre thinking about food. i like to tell myself "i dont need to eat, and im not gonna sabotage myself by eating that." by acknowledging it and calling it what it is--literally an attack, by my brain, on my own progress--i immediately attach a sense of accountability to the actions that follow. there's no deniability. its no longer a passive choice. theres no mindless eating or "i wasnt thinking about it." if i eat after acknowledging the act of eating as self-sabotage, then that is me *actively* choosing self-sabotage over self-control. accountability alone can change a lot if you let it.

what i tell myself changes depending on the situation, but i find that repeating some of these phrases throughout the day helps to fight urges in general, and certain ones help for specific cravings and situations.

below are some examples of things i tell myself that have helped me fight the urge to self sabotage. they dont all have to be true when you first say them, the point is training your brain to think a certain way. it may feel unnatural at first, but the more you say them the more natural it becomes, until eventually it becomes apart of the way you actually think and you dont have to work so hard at it. remember: consistency. is. key.

okay ill stop blabbing! here:

•i allow myself to be thin.

•i accept the change that comes with losing weight.

•i am ready to see myself differently and cope with any complicated feelings that may come with it.

•i am prepared for my body to change.

•i will deal with my wardrobe when the time comes, and im not afraid of dressing differently for my new body.

•i will adjust to my new dietary needs and appetite when i reach my goal weight. i will not always be hungry; eating less will be my new normal, and i will be okay.

•i am not afraid of being hungry.

•food does not comfort me, nor does it solve my problems or make me feel better.

•i am ready to navigate a life that looks different to the one im living now.

•i am not afraid of reaching my goal. if i do feel afraid, i am confident in my ability to work through difficult feelings and continue towards my goal.

•im not going to sabotage myself by eating that.

•i accept that people will perceive me differently, and i am ready to navigate that change.

•i am prepared to receive comments about my weight loss.

•i am not afraid of getting what i want.

•i believe i deserve what i want, and im dedicated to working towards getting it.

•i am capable of adapting to new routines and habits.

•fear is not a reason to give up, and i will continue to work even if the possibility of change makes me uneasy.

•i am prepared to face the future, even though i do not know what it looks like.

•i allow myself to make mistakes, and i will not use them as an excuse to quit.

•my long-term satisfaction is more important than what i want in this moment.

•i am in control of my actions and i am capable of resisting the urge to binge.

•i allow myself to have the body i desire.

•i allow myself to change.

•i allow my life to look different and i am not afraid to see a new person in the mirror.

•i am excited to reach my goal, and prepared to navigate any changes that come with it.

•i am ready to meet and introduce others to the new me.

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teenandbeyond · 2 years

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hi!! this is my first time requesting in awhile and it might be a little specific? 😭 so thank you if you do it and its fine if not

anyways the request: so can i get a bakugou x reader maybe? (or kirishima if u dont want to write for him). reader dislocated their shoulder (dominant hand so they cant do anything) and is now on bed rest?? idk i just want comfort bc my shoulder has dislocated twice in 3 days n i have been struggling big time 💀 im used to doing things by myself and not asking for help 24/7

i hope this is coherent 😭

Bakugo x Injured. Reader

This is super late, huh? Hope despite that it still brings some type of comfort.

Want more from me? Masterlist 2

☆*: .｡. .｡.:*☆☆*: .｡. .｡.:*☆

💥Let Me💥 (MHA or My Hero Academia)

Warning(s): Cursing(But it's Bakugo, sooo), Fluff

Bakugo refuses to let you do anything by yourself in this state

✨✨✨✨

“What the hell are you doing?” you heard a familiar voice growl.

You turned like a deer in headlights, “Uh, um…I’m…praising the cabinets?”

Your friend and crush--but he didn’t need to know that--raised a blonde brow, “Praising the cabinets.”

“Yes! I’m very religious with them, they store our wonderful plates—”

“Stop with that bull crap, why are you up? You’re on bed rest.”

“It was boring. I'd just sit around all day and do nothing.”

He scoffed, gently nudging you out of the way, “Do you not understand what bed rest means, dumbass? You’re not supposed to be getting up, you’re supposed to be resting.”

“I know, Bakugo…I’m just…used to doing everything for myself, not being so helpless,” you sighed.

His shoulders dropped in a silent sigh, “Yeah, I get it. But you’d be an idiot to make it worse and never get better. School without you is boring, so you gotta get back as soon as possible.”

He groaned as soon as he saw the shit-eating grin on your face, distracting himself with continuing the meal you were making.

“You miss me, huh?”

“I don’t fucking miss you! You’re just one of the few people who can keep up with me!”

“That sounds like ‘missing’ to me.”

“Shut up!” he barked.

“Why are you here alone? Isn’t school over?”

He shrugged, “It is, everyone but me got punished. They have to stay an extra hour to train.”

“I’m guessing you passed the test because you’re way better than everyone else?” you rolled your eyes.

“Exactly. Yeah.”

With a huff, you shake your head.

“Cocky-ass.”

“Go lay down, why are you still here, nerd?”

“I’m watching you. It’s not often you get to see Bakugo Katsuki cook,” you grinned.

He turned to you with the darkest glare you’ve ever seen on him, “I swear if I have to tell you one more fucking time to lay down.”

“Fine! Fine!” with a pout, you make it to your room.

Thirty minutes later he comes in with a plate, setting it on the nightstand next to your bed.

“How in the world did you hold a steaming plate with your bare hand?” you blink in awe.

He actually chuckled at that, “I have explosions come out of my hands on a regular basis, I think I can handle a little plate, [N/N].”

“You and your nicknames,” you reach out to take the chopsticks.

“What are you doing? You’re not gonna be able to eat without your dominant hand. You can barely use the other one.”

You shrug, “Yeah, I’ve been trying to learn and use the other side so I can do more.”

You yelp as you drop the chopsticks you were awkwardly holding.

“How’s that goin’ for you?”

“Shut up! I have to figure something out, I’m hungry.��

“I…you,” he muttered under his breath, his cheeks flushing a little.

“What was that? You’re loud any other time,” your inquire with furrowed brows.

“I can feed you…”

“…”

“Oi! Don’t laugh!”

You stifle the laugh, “Well, I can’t laugh too hard anyway.”

“I just don’t want to sit and watch you complain about stuff.”

“Thanks, but it’s okay, I got it.”

Then you proceed to hiss as you trigger your shoulder.

“Do you, now?” a smirk twitched onto his face.

“Fine.”

You found yourself getting flustered as he fed you, surprised by how calm and gentle he was.

“Don’t swallow too fast, idiot! It’s not a race!”

In between eating, if you needed anything, he’d grab it for you.

“You know Bakugo, you’d be a good boyfriend,” you told him honestly.

“H-Huh?”

“You’re very caring--more than what it seems, anyway.”

His eyes flickered down to the plate to grab more food, “I’m not caring…you just…look so pathetic trying to do so much when you’re supposed to rest…I don’t want you to hold the class back by prolonging your injury.”

Considering how many pauses were in that sentence, you didn’t really believe his reasoning.

“It’s okay, thank you for caring about me.”

He growled leaning toward you, “I just told you—”

You kiss his cheek out of gratitude, “--Just take the thank you, Bakugo.”

Startled he pulls away, face darkening in color, “I—You—Dumbass! Don’t do things like that so suddenly!”

You hear a knock at your door, “Hey, [Name]! We’re all back now! Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

You smile, “Thanks, Eiji! But Bakugo’s been helping me, so I don’t need anything right now!—You can come in, I don’t bite, you know!”

Once Kirishima enters, he looks in between you and Bakugo, seemingly putting pieces together.

Then he gives Bakugo a look that you don’t understand.

“Shut up, Shitty Hair!”

He chuckles, not able to hide his smirk, “Hm? But I didn’t say anything, Baku-bro.”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about!”

“No, what are you talking about?”

“Stop playing innocent!”

You smile, warmed by their banter.

“That looks good, can I take a bit, [Name]?”

“No! That’s just for [Name], you don’t get any, Kirishima!”

You pout, “Aw, why can’t he get any, Bakugo? He only wants a bite.”

“T-that’s because…Shut up!”

“We didn’t say anything…”

#katsuki bakugo x reader #bakugo #bakugo fluff #bakugo katsuki #bakugo x you #bakugo comfort #anime #bnha #mha #bnha x reader #mha x reader

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lost-jams · 10 months

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Hello there

pairing — jimin x female reader

genre — fluff (with a bit of sexual stuffs huhu)

::If I was given the choice to re-live my life, well I dont think I would make any choices that would differ from the previous ones...because all of them led me to you::

I look myself over one more time in the mirror. I used to wear my hair above the shoulders with edgy bangs, but it's grown a lot in the last couple of years. And not without reason. I brush my fingers through the long, dark strands of hair that I've trained to cover most of the left side of my face. I pull the sleeve of my left arm down to my wrist and then pull the collar up to cover most of my neck. The scars are barely visible like this, and I can actually stomach looking at myself in the mirror. I used to think I was pretty. But hair and clothes can only cover up so much now. I hear a toilet flush, so I turn quickly and make my way to the door before the woman can exit the stall. I do what I can to avoid people most of the time, and not because I'm afraid they'll stare at my scars. I avoid them because they don't stare.

The second people notice me, they look away just as fast, because they're afraid to appear rude or judgmental. Just once it would be nice if someone looked me in the eyes and held my stare. It's been so long since that's happened. I hate to admit that I miss the attention I used to get, but I do. I exit the bathroom and head back toward the booth, disappointed to still see the back of my father's head. I was hoping he would have had some kind of emergency and been required to leave while I was in the restroom. It's sad that I'd rather be greeted by an empty booth than by my own father. The thought almost makes me frown, but I'm suddenly sidetracked by the guy seated in the booth I'm about to walk past. I don't usually notice people, considering they do everything in their power to avoid eye contact with me. However, this guy's eyes are intense, curious and staring straight at me. My first thought when I see him is, "If only... this were two years ago."

________________________________________________________________________________

Its happening again...they are fighting again sighing i look at my mirror "ugh...i need a hair cut" grabbing my car keys I jogged towards the front door, silence...perhaps they finally noticed me "I'll be back in awhile" i told them while putting on my shoes. " Eat something before heading out, come" i finally looked towards my mother, her eyes they are red...so was my fathers, Are they finally letting themselves go? maybe. "No im not hungry" i opened the door.

Would my present be different if i lisened to my mother? Do i want things to be different?

________________________________________________________________________________

I want to break out in a sprintin order to get his eyes off me, or if I should walk in slowmotion so I can soak up the attention.His body shifts as I begin to pass him, and his stare becomestoo much all of a sudden. Too invasive. I feel my cheeks flushand my skin tingle, so I look down at my feet and allow myhair to fall in front of my face. I even pull a strand of it intomy mouth in order to block more of his view.

Just a fewmoments ago, I was thinking about how much I miss beingstared at, but now that it's happening, I just want him to lookaway.Right before he's out of my peripheral vision, I cut my eyesin his direction and catch a ghost of a smile. Maybe he didnt see my scars...

It annoys me that I even think this way. I used to notbe this girl. I used to be confident, but i guess the accident broke every ounce of my self-esteem. I've tried getting it back, butit's hard to believe someone could ever find me attractivewhen I can't even look at myself in the mirror. Ugh.

"As i was saying, I think u should organise a fan meet and stop being an annonymous writer, people want to see u" i tear my eyes from my father to the coffee sitting on my table untouched. "I'm not ready" i heard a sigh. "it has been two years" i shiffted on my sit uncomfortable...my fathers hand reached out to me grabbing the sides of my face, they were so warm. "take as much time u need...im here" nodding m head i smiled but i dont know why i felt so heavy in my heart...it was so heavy. "i think i have an idea for my new poetry" believe me or not but the only good thing after the accident happening to me was me becoming a writer, I didnt know what came in me one day i decided to write a poetry and publish it and it became a best seller.

________________________________________________________________________________

I should've slept last night i cant think straight, was this always the road i took, God i swear sleep-deprived driving is far worse then drunk driving, I feel my eyes closing...I try to keep them open I see a little girl crossing the road and........CRASH............

blood...everywhere whats going on?

HELP I CANT MOVE...SOMEONE HELP

i want to scream but nothing comes out is it the end

i hear footsteps with sirens...am i getting help?

please help me...I want to live

i feel someone pulling me out of the car, i feel his hand on my neck, he was slapping my cheeks....i wanted to open my eyes to make sure the girl was ok, was she ok? is she alive? what happened i dont remember....

beep......beeep...beep....

My eyelids feel so heavy, i wanna sleep if i open my eyes i have to face the consequences im not ready but i dont wanna die away...Looking arround i see my father on the right side of my bed, Why cant i open my left eye, i try to get up...im covered in bandages, funny i cant feel any pain, im glad im alive.

"Dad" whisperring i poke his hand, he jolts up. Did he not sleep for a week? "U look terrible" he looks like he'll cry any moment now. "You should look at yourself first" how bad can it be?

A week passed by there was no sign of my mother, I was told i hit a pole and the girl lived, i remember her face, she was preety cute. My father says my mother left, i didnt expect much from her but a visit wouldnt hurt right? I just hope my wounds heal faster its super itchy...

A month passed by, its just me and my father we are on our way to my physical therapist so that i can walk again and i dont have to use this stupid wheelchair

We were in the waiting room...whispers...they were whispering about me, poor girl she must be on so much pain. The left side looks so bad. Can't these people tell i can hear them, i opened my ponytail heaving a sigh. i feel heavy...

My therapist told me i should write down my feeling, so....

Whenever the clouds of pain and sadness loomed.

Whenever tears came till the eyelashes,

Whenever this lonely heart got scared,I told my heart, Oh Heart, why do you cry?This is what happens in this world

This deep silence the world has distributed it to everyone, Some sadness is a part of everyone's life, Some sunshine is a part of everyone's life, Your eyes are wet without any reason, Every second is a new season Why do you let go of such priceless moments? Oh Heart, why do you cry?

________________________________________________________________________________

"Anyways, we have a meeting with our illustrator this friday be ready" i hum while finishing my coffee. "we should head back" my father said grabbing his things. I hurriedly looked for the guy...just a last glance...he was gone.

Friday came, he is late I took his profile out, Park Jimin....it baffles me that my supposed illustrator gave no picture how will I even recognise him, good thing my father knows this guy, sighing I put my head down...i hate headaches so much...

"Sorry im late" I hear nervous chuckles "you know morning traffics" I look up ITS HIM...THE GUY...ITS HIM... I see the corner of his lips turn upwards, was it me or he was smirking...My father went straight into buisness, everything was so blur, i was just staring at his face, he is beautiful.

He says he has been an illustrator for five years straight, my father seems preety convinced by him, so am i.. If i were to compare the beauty of him and his work, his work wins scoring a homerun for sure. It speaks with such depth that you want to drown in it.

He shook hands with my father, coming right infront of me he offers me his hand...i take it, I feel his thumb brushing against the surface of my skin. Will it be weird to say that i felt excited? I didnt know i was hold my breath till I was inside the car. "I like him" my father utters "Same" I feel my cheeks flushing. I think i might have been single for a while now...

"Are you always like this, flirting with whoever u want?" Jimin snapped his head back to u "I saw u, winking at the waitress" He bit his lower lip...i want to bite it too..his eyes threw a mischivious smile at me, there is something about his eyes, I cant put a finger on it. " Why...you jealous?" i scoffed at that, yes..."why would i be jealous?" chuckling he put his hand on his chest " ouch...i wanted u to be" why would he? "Girls like you are not made for flirting ... they are made for love"

Days passed I was struggling to write, there was something bugging me and the fact that Im alone right now is more depressing, AAAAAA I want to scream, will i have my periods soon? maybe but why am I tearing up there is no reason, God i hate mood swings.

Alchohol...this thing is a fools gold, you know its bad for u but u cant help but have it...and it also turns u into a fool. Why u ask? because only a fool will ask someone to drop by to their house in the middle of the night. With what reason? because they feel lonely. And here i was contemplating what i should say to the person infront of me.

"Would u like a drink?" he narrows his eyes at me "you are lonely" fuck...i dont look a him in the eye. i clear my throat " I just wanted to discuss about..uhh" he puts his head on his hands which is supported by the table as he leans in " Wanna go out?" One look from me was enough for him to take a hold of my hand and drag me outside. Was he always taller then me? I pulled him back "Its late" i smiled at him. "Do u paint?"

And here we are infront of his house, because he thought it'll be great to have a painting date in the middle of the night. Was it a date though? It felt like it. I was sitting infront of a canvas processing what was happening. His Art room reminds me a art museum, paintings everywhere, i dont know what an art museum looks like but i think i got a gist of it. "May i paint u?" Shock was written on my face, insecurities filling me in "I-"

He puts one finger on my lips and he pushes the hair away from my forehead, running hisfingers through it until it's no longer hanging in my face. "Youwear your hair like you do because you don't want people tosee too much of you. You wear long sleeves and collared shirtsbecause you think it helps. But it doesn't." I feel like i might cry. I feel his fingertips graze my jaw and I flinch. "You havethe most incredible bone structure, and I know that's a weirdcompliment, but it's true." His fingers leave my jaw and trailup my chin until he's touching my mouth. "And your lips.Men stare at them because they want to know what they tastelike, and women stare at them out of jealousy because if theyhad lips the color of yours, they'd never have to buy lipstickagain."

His forehead is resting against mine, and I can feel hisbreath crashing against my lips. Jimin steps forward and wraps his arms around me.Everything about him is comforting and warm and I have noidea how to respond. One of his hands meets the back of myhead and he presses my face against his chest.

few days passed by since that day, I decided to put my hair up in a ponytail. My neck it looks nice, i like how it looks...i love it. I get down for breakfast, i smelled pancakes my father turns arround with a plate delight crosses his face when he saw me. "you look good" I didnt know what was this feeling but it surely feels very light, exciting and comforting . I think I know what to write...

The moment seems to flow like a molten sapphire and there's deep blue silence, Neither there is earth below, nor sky above, The rustling branches, leaves are saying that only you are here, Only me, my breath and my heartbeat, Such deepness, such loneliness and me...only me, It all makes me believe in my existence.

There was a girl drowning, but she had a smile on her face, the illustration did match my writing. neighther there is earth below, nor the sky above. smart move Mr Park. My poem got selected for the top ten poems of the year. There were incoming calls of congratutions but I was waiting for a certain person. Without wasting another second i called him "Hello?" i sucked in a long breath "you can paint me"

Fuck....fuck...FUCKKKKK, I am crazy very very very crazy WHO SAYS THAT, YOU CAN PAINT ME WTFFFFFFF. Standing infront of his building i was rethinking my decision, but it was too late UGHHHHHH i rang the door bell.

His stares, i remember them, so intense I wonder why, is it because of his profession? his eye shape? or is it just him? "I like you" shit...he stands up which makes me stand up he takestwo quick steps toward me until his hands are in my hair andhis mouth is on mine. He backs me against the wall and his hands and chest andlips are pressed hungrily against mine. He's gripping my facelike he's afraid to let go and I'm fighting for breath becauseit's been so long since I've kissed anyone, I think I may haveforgotten how to do it right. As soon as a whimper leaves my mouth, he's pressing meharder against the wall. His left hand is caressing my cheekand his right hand is gripping me by the waist, pulling meagainst him.

I feel Jimin's arms wrap around me . He rests hischin on my shoulder. "You having second thoughts?"I shake my head. I'm nervous, but I'm definitely not havingsecond thoughts. Yet."Good "

"Im leaving for the airport in two hours, i agreed for the fan meet" i pause to look at him, he is smiling, im happy that he is smiling, " do you want me to drive u?" oh no...my dad he is driving me ." Uhh my dad...he-''. Dissapointment runs across is face, and i needed to leave now, I DONT WANNA GOOOO. He looked so precious looking like a sad puppy, did i ever mention anything about his chubby cheeks THEY LOOK SO FLUFFY NOW THAT MAKE ME WANT TO BITE INTO IT. control..y/n...control.

He stepsback, releasing me. "I should have taken you to the airport andthen as soon as you got to security, I could have dramaticallycalled out your name and run toward you in slow motion." Hemimics the scene in slow motion, moving in place as hereaches an arm out toward me. "Y/NNNNNNNNNNNN," he says in along, drawn-out voice. "Dooon't Leeeave Meeeee!"I'mlaughing hard when he stops acting out the scene and wrapshis arms around my waist again. "I need to go now"

My father grabs our suitcases and head inside withnot much time to spare before our flight. The airport is stillbuzzing despite it being so late at night. we print my boarding pass,check our luggage, and make our way to security.I try not to think about what I'm doing. How am I going to talk to people I dont know with my amazing social skills. The thought of it makes me want tocall a cab and go straight back to my apartment, but I can't.I have to do this.

"Y/NNNNNNNNNN"

My eyes flick open.I turn around and Jimin is standing at the revolving door. Hebegins running toward me.In slow motion.I cover my mouth with my hand and try not to laugh as heslowly stretches out an arm like he's reaching out for me. He'syelling, "Doooon't goooo yeeeet!" as he moves slowlythrough the crowd of people.People from all directions stop to see what the commotion isall about. I want to dig myself a hole and hide but I'mlaughing too hard to care about how embarrassing this is.What in the world is he doing?When he finally reaches me after what seems like forever, ahuge grin spreads across his face soon he presses his lips with mine.

I looked at my father, he's too surprised to even react. The room feels like it's spinning, so I suck in a huge rush ofair and try not to sway. "I forgot to say I like u too" with that he begins to walk backward and I'm aware of everyone in ourvicinity staring at us, but I can't help but not give a shit. Rightbefore he reaches the revolving door, he cups his hands aroundhis mouth and yells "YOU BETTER NOT GHOST ME AFTER U COME BACK"

I don't think I've ever smiled so big. I lift a hand and wavegoodbye as he disappears. "I like him" I look towards my father. "So do I". Going back to the question that i asked myself Would my present be different if i lisened to my mother? Do i want things to be different? I think i like it this way, Everything happens for a reason, you just need to give it a little time for it to fall on the right track anyways I am loving it for now and im living it aswell...

If you have eagerness in your heart, it means you are alive, If your eyes are filled with dreams, it means you are alive Learn to be free like the wind, Learn to flow freely like the river, Embrace every moment with open arms, See a new horizon every time with your eyes, If you carry surprise in your eyes, it means you are alive, If you have eagerness in your heart, it means you are alive.

And the story continies....

Heyyy I hope you liked the story, feel free to give your opinion on it, this story was inspired by a novel I read on my early teen days, kinda didnt like the way it ended so I made up my own version of it,

Happy reading.

ps: its kinda my first time [HELP (T_T) ]

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d4iryqueen · 6 months

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update: my mom did in fact intervene in a way. she pointed out how skinny i got over 2 weeks (they were v stressful for my whole family, especially me n my mom and she knows abt my ed so she figured it out quickly). what happened is that i have noticed my bones sticking out more and abs showing (for the 1st time in my life!), but my weight stayed the same thoughout, so i thought im just unsure of what i actually look like and/or am imagining it because i wish i looked like that. but because she keeps on talking about how i look really thin and …unattractive (she fr still thinks eds develop bc people want to be skinny bc skinny=pretty????)…. i actually accepted that i really am that thin. that my ribs are actually showing. that my hip bones do in fact protrude from my pants. and i love it. however, as much as i adore this, it made me feel “safe” in my eating? idk… i had shitty ass sleep bc i felt quite sick after yesterdays dinner, i slept only for 4 hrs max which is v little for me. so i was extremely tired today, took a caffeine pill and drank an energy drink on an empty stomach in the morning and went to school. i kinda overdosed on the caffeine, yeah :/. but i ended up having a v successful day, i did more than i thought i’d be able to with how tired i was/am. soooo… i allowed myself to eat basically anything i want until im not hungry anymore. i didnt have a plan today bc i simply focused on not being extra tweaked out or passing out in school and was nauseous so i literally didnt think about food at all in that way.

to make this long story short : i ate 2085 calories worth of food that i didnt plan and im glad that i didnt binge, but also im shocked by how easily my behavior got influenced by someone i truly love and care about.

its not a bad thing and in the end, i cant be *always* in a deficit realistically, plus if im in a plateau maybe it’ll help? even if i would gain (which i truly dont think i will) then id still be skinny af. and … it feels quite good tbh. im proud of myself for getting here and actually recognising it (nothing hurts more than seeing pics of you at lw and remembering you used to believe you were too large), but im also not proud of myself for letting go today. extremely proud of myself for not even thinking about binging tho. like i just ate like a normal person for 1 meal (dinner, as lunch was high cal safe food combos, which still contained much more things and cals than what id allow myself on a normal day). im having mixed feelings. but im also content. tomorrow? who knows what approach ill take towards my diet. and idk how ill feel about today when tomorrow comes, either. but for now, i just want to sleep. im gonna maybe reblog a bit, but ultimately im gonna take a sleeping pill to finally slee through the whole night and r e s t my body cos i need it.

#mine #ed not ed sheeran #text

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rainfallbeats · 2 years

Note

IDK HOW EDIBLES WORK OK

*slaps my hands on the table* thats ok because i do!

this post ended up being multiple paragraphs long and contains a lot of personal stories so if youre still interested its under the cut. tw for drug use obviously

now granted i havent had that many of them and the only kind ive had were these cookies my brother made but good LORD. sweet JESUS they were strong. like STUPID strong. i remember he prefaced giving me them with "i ate one and thought i was a little worm wiggling in the dirt" and i was like ok i think i can handle it

i could not handle it. strong edibles will slonk your shit silly style. theyre a bit different than smoking because it kinda all kicks in at once, smoking is usually a milder high unless its like a bong rip. i remember one time it kicked in and i could barely get the words "guys i think the edible hit" out before breaking into a 10 minute laughing fit. i was on another plane i was shot up to the moon

and again these were particularly strong ones it really just depends on the strain of weed and the dosage, but some of the effects ive experienced are as follows:

everything is funny. like everything ever is funny. i will just laugh for any reason if im high enough, you could jangle keys in front of my face and id start cry laughing. weed kind of just makes you stupid like that. ive noticed it helps with the adhd too because ill finally have the patience to sit down and watch things or do tasks without getting irritated

pain numbing/weird funny skin feeling. ive noticed that i usually feel warm when the weed kicks in and thats usually followed by like a tingly feeling and a reduced ability to feel pain. this is nice bc im an idiot who gave myself back pain from sitting weird so this makes it go away. probably not anywhere near as effective for that purpose as pain meds but ive never been on any prescription pain meds or anything that wasnt like, ibuprofen so i dont know

food tastes really fucking good. ive considered going back on my adhd meds with recreational weed bc the meds were an appetite suppressant and thats why i had to stop taking them. weed will make you hungry as FUCK and everything you eat will taste better

lower impulse control, this one is kind of a bad side effect because if you were already thinking about doing stupid shit and you get high then youre gonna do it. one time i was on call with a friend and kept chewing on my fingers til they were bruised bc i wanted to chew on something

slowed perception of time/distorted perception of reality. this one is either scary or cool depending on the person but i find it enjoyable. time will slow DOWN like minutes will feel like hours. every splatoon match i play while high is the longest one of my life, and ive found i usually perform better in games because im less stressed and more just absorbed in what im doing. that combined with the fact that my brain blurs the line between whats real and fake so if im playing a game itll feel real to me. i will be staring at the inside of the grizzco building and feel like im actually there, its crazy. playing video games while high is fun

ive noticed that if i get too high i kinda feel dizzy and not in control of my body, my head feels like its underwater and ill be sitting there rocking back and forth waiting to come down a little. which would be scarier but thanks to the funny giggly chemicals its not that bad. but its also not pleasant when youre in a social situation and want to try to act normal

im not actually sure what me dumping all this info accomplishes but maybe someone will see it and itll help them write a character that smokes weed or something. and like granted these are only my own experiences and not everyone is gonna share them but regardless, thank you for the ask

#personal post #weed #ask box

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bullshit-bulltrue · 8 months

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☆ hawk talk 8/17/23 ☆

today wasn't the best day per se

um so as i was getting out of the car to go to school i spilled my coffee all over my pants and my fucking DOC MARTENS

but my dad got my water bottle and a towel and wiped em up

and the coffee got on my bag too.. i want to cry bc it's stained

but it gives character so whatever

and like i act like i'm completely fine until i'm out of the view range of my parents and i cussed repeatedly very loud and it was therapeutic

and then uh what else happened

*thinky face*

oh YEAH

so there's like this ledge by the front of the school like a brick wall thingy that goes just above my waist and i put my water bottle and bag there

and then i put my earbuds in and listen to music to keep myself from wanting to die

and then ben walks up to me and i just like blurt out "God i hope i don't smell like coffee" AND IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING BC I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY IT,, I WAS JUST THINKIJG IT TO MYSELF AND THEN I WAS LIKE FUCK SHIT NO

and he looked so caught off guard 😭😭

and he was like "uhh no"

so then i was like well fuck i can't just ask someone if i smell like coffee and give them no context 😭😭

so then i tell him about my dumbassery and he sees the coffee stain on my thigh and he's like "ohh yikes. but no, you can't smell it"

but like i'm self conscious so i stil sprayed some perfume bc i dont wanna smell like coffee which was 99% creamer because my FUCKING MOM DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING DRING THE DAMN BEVERAGE

so yeah i'm making my own coffee from now on fuck her

anyway

a beetle that i thought was a cicada turned out to be,, yk a beetle started flying around my head and i was like "aww it's so pretty" BC IT WAS

LITERALLY LIKE A MIX OF BLUE AND GREENISH AND IT WAS SO COOL

but like ig my face didn't say that?? idk i flinch a lot without meaning to

and he's like "do you want me to kill it?" so like ig my face was scared or smth idk 😭😭

and just for shits and giggles i was like "yeah sure"

AND THIS DORK SERIOUSLY STARTED JUMPING AND TRYING TO CATCH IT

and then after a while he just gave up and let out a sigh that was like yeah fuck that bug

oh and then he offered me some gum ♡

it was Extra: Peppermint

i'm a spearmint girlie but Extra gum is Extra gum, i will never turn it down

and idk if he offered me some out of kindness or if he remembered that mints and mint gum help me with anxiety

and ik for sure my breath didn't smell so it wouldn't be that either

idk i'm trying not to over analyze everything that happens but i am strUggling right now lmao

so anyway we walk into the building and he asked me if i eat the school breakfast (we were coming up to the cafeteria ish)

and i'm like "no i'm not hungry in the mornings" yk, like a liar

and here's how the rest of the interaction went: (m = me, b = ben)

b: really?

m: yeah idk i just don't really pay attention to when i'm hungry i guess? like i don't really notice when my stomach is empty anymore (this was actually the truth)

b: then how do you know when you need to eat?

m: when i get lightheaded.

b: wha- well what if you get lightheaded during class? we aren't allowed to eat during class periods.

m: i eat a mint or sneak some gum

b: *still doesn't understand all the way but sorta gets it*

b: yeah i get that. if the food is bad i just get the juice (talking bout school breakfast) well, see ya later! *goes into the mess hall*

m: yeah, bye!

(that wasn't our entire convo, i'm too lazy to put everything in)

and then i sorta just went into this one little corner to wait until they let us into the hallway buildings

and then i popped my earbuds back in and started to vibe to rock and then i sorta start singing to myself

and then guess what

THAT'S WHEN I REALIZE

HE FUCKING WAS LIKE SAYING "hey let's get breakfast" (again, i was too lazy to type out rhe whole convo and didn't add in vital parts bc laziness and my tummy hurts)

SO I BASICALLY

FUCKING WAS LIKE YEAH NO I'M GOOD

LIKE BRO

IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH EASIER IF YOU. JUST. ASKED.

but like also i get it so it's not that big of a deal

so right in the middle of my angry posting on tumblr and kicking myself for being oblivious till the last minute,, it turns out HE WAITS IN THE SAME CORNER UNTIL THE STAFF LETS US IN THE HALLWAYS

SO YEAH THAT WAS AWKWARD

CUS I WAS HATING ON MYSELF, SAD OVER MY SPILT COFFEE, CHEWING MY GUM, AND ALSO JAMMING TO A ROCK PLAYLIST

fr hoping he didn't see my emotional roller-coaster that would be hella embarrassing

so yea

and then like him and his friends started playfighting and like bro it was lowkey hilarious

so anyway i go into the building, i get to science

and one of my science projects partners isn't there

so thats fucking great

so the partner that is there, let's call her Emers, does the drawing portion of the project while i did the writing

and yeah

i'm like not going in too much detail bc i have to get this hawk talk done quick bc i have to wake up at 5am tmrw and it's already 11:23pm

and i don't wanna look like a zombie in english bc the people at my table will be facing my sleep deprived bitchy mood

so anyway

i get done with science after a while

and then it's math

i am missing my first 3 assignments and currently have an F <3

so fun 😍

/sarc,, for the dumbasses who just started following me

um nothing interesting happened

oh WAIT

LANIE GOT BACK FROM VISITING FAMILY!! AND WHILE ON HER TRIP SHE STARTED READING MY COPY OF THE OUTSIDERS THAT I LENDED HER !!!!!!!!!!¡!!!!!¡! (i don't care if that was an unreasonable amount of exclamation points, i am happy)

AND I ALSO INITIATED A HUG WITH HER

FUCK THE NO PDA RULE

I'M HUGGING MY FRIEND

FUCK THE AMERICAN EDUCATION SYSTEM

so yeah ♡

and then i had to eat lunch by myself

but then guess who i see?

*suspenseful mid 1950s detective film music starts playing in the background*

i see ben.

i was not happy.

he told me earlier that he didn't have 1st lunch on even days. AND THERE HE WAS. HAVING 1ST LUNCH ON GUESS WHICH DAY? AN EVEN ONE.

and like if you don't want me eating lunch with you and your friends everyday you can literally just say that . like dude there's literally no reason to lie

so then i told my friend rik about it and he's fr such the best hype man cus he was like yeah screw him don't make yourself worry about that shit

and i was like FUCK YEAH

YOU'RE RIGHT MAN

and then lunch ended

and i went to broadcast and wanted to cry and yeah if you saw the other little posts thru out the day you know why and shit lol

too tired to explain

so then science lab!

well the science and science lab rooms are connected so when i was 100% done with my science project essay i went to the science room and i saw ben

and then after asking the science teacher smth i went back to the science lab room

and i sorta just yk sat there being sad for a while bc i have no friends in that class and i started talking to my teacher bc i always sit close to her desk

yes, i am that student. i sit by the teacher, and this is why i have no real friends.

aanYwaUys-

Ben comes in the room and is just like oh i just wanted to see who's here

bitch go do your work

but i acted nice because nobody at school knows that i'm a bitch

and i'm like oh hi!

and then i just listen to my music while i try to take a nap bc my science lab teacher is cool like that

and yeah that's my whole sad day for you guys <3

#☆ hawk talk

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asahicore · 1 year

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get to know me game !!!

omg i love things like these cz any opportunity to talk about myself is a good opportunity !! thx for the tag @ozymandia-s i was reading thru ur answers like it was the morning paper, i'll tag @bbujiikseu and @ethereal-engene if u guys wanna do it <33

birthday: dec 13

favourite colour: purple-ish like lavender

do you have pets? yaaaaah i have a white cat who's evil but also really cute and a dog named elbow

how tall are you? 160-2 cm i'm not sure

how many pairs of shoes do you own? a bunch but i mostly wear my platform docs, my beige platform converse, my black regular super old and beat-up converse or my knee-high brown boots that i got at a thrift shop for such a good price

favourite song: this is like the most impossible question everrrr but invu by taeyeon was my most listened to song in 2022 and i still levitate whenever i listen to it

favourite movie: twilighttt the girls who get it get it but i have lots of movies i love

who would be your ideal partner? my 2 most important things r someone who makes me laugh but also finds me funny and someone with good communication. i dont really care about stuff like sharing hobbies or styles or whatever but as long as we can have a good time doing whatever i'm in love (my ex...)

do you want children? yessss not now for sure but in a few years like 2 or 3 i think

have you gotten in trouble with the law? i dont think so..?

what colour socks are you wearing? rn they're black

favourite type of music: kpop... 97 of my 101 most listened to songs were girl group kpop lmaooo but just pop in general

how many pillows do you sleep with? 2 !!!

what position do you sleep in? i try to sleep on my back but being on my tummy with one leg up is so much comfier

what don’t you like when you’re sleeping: people who snore like i'm not a particularly light sleeper but it wakes me up immediately and keeps me from falling asleep

what do you have for breakfast: coffee most of the time but earl grey sometimes, i dont usually eat breakfast but if i'm feeling hungry i'll have a fruit or something. i'll also have a pastry at the uni café if i really cant wait until lunch to eat lmaoo

have you ever tried archery? i dont think i have but it looks cool

favourite fruit: lately i've been obsessed w physallis but that shit is expensiveee. otherwise i'd say mango and cherries

are you a good liar? nooo u can see it right away if i'm lying i get so tense and if i'm lying just to take the piss out of someone then i can only keep it for like 10 seconds cause 1 i start laughing and 2 i feel bad for making someone believe something untrue lmaoo

what’s your personality type? enfp i think?

innie or outie? (it really depends on my mood but i'm usually an outie i think, i just need a day in the week to really relax on my own) i’ve been informed this is about the belly button… well it’s innie then… why do u wanna know that about me tho

left handed or right handed? right handed. left handed ppl freak me out...

favourite food: it is so impossible to choose a fav meal but i'll say tiramisu cz its my fav dessert

favourite foreign food: sushi ig

am i clean or messy? i'd say clean

most used phrase: i have no idea probably whatever stupid phrase i've coined as mine for the week

how long does it take for you to get ready: not too long cause in the morning i basically just make my bed, wash my face, brush my teeth, get dressed and do my makeup.. but if i decide to have coffee at home or to read before leaving then it can take a while

do you talk to yourself? all the damn time bro i was actually tripping over the fact that you can hear a voice in your head without actually speaking just the other day i think its so weird but im thankful for my inner monologue.. shes a queen

do you sing to yourself? if theres music i'll sing along but i dont usually just sing out loud randomly

are you a good singer? no lmaooooo but i love singing badly and my friends and i go to karaoke every week which is super fun

biggest fear? this is weird but my legs being wobbly like not havign control over them, so like when you're on those inflatable games or when the ground is slippery.. hate that

are you a gossip? yes lmaooo but only when theres reason to be

do you like long or short hair? ive been growing out my hair and its slayinngggggg but on other ppl idc

favourite school subject: i think french (not as a second language but as a french person studying french at a french school lmao) and english lit

extrovert or introvert: extrovert, like im sociable but also if you're a strange man dont talk to me

what makes you nervous: university deadlines also the amount of books in the world i'll never be able to read </3

who was your first real crush? i think when in like 4th grade i had a crush on this guy named matt, but ive had plennnttyyyy of crushes since then

how many piercings? eight and they're all on my ears !

how many tattoos? 0 but im debating getting one

how fast can you run? not fast lmaoo

what colour is your hair? dark brown

what colour are your eyes? dark brown

what makes you angry: misogyny <3 i had to watch this video of a debate between pro-choicers and pro-lifers.. i was gonna explode listening to the pro-lifers' arguments they're so fucking stupid man

do you like your name? its very unoriginal lol but i dont mind it, also my middle name is my grandma's which is genevieve and i think it slays

do you want a boy or a girl as a child? one of both tbh

what are your strengths? hmmm i think i'm fairly reasonable? like when i have an outburst (and i have a lot of those) after some time i'm able to calm myself down and reason with myself so usually im able to stay somewhat level-headed lol i also don't wallow, i get back on my feet pretty quickly and my friends have told me i'm generous :)

what are your weaknesses? this might sound like the opposite of what i just said lmaoo but i overthink too damn much and i jsut cry all the time like everything pains me but then at the same time im able to get out of that mindset quickly.. so idk bruh

what is the colour of your bedspread? i have like 3 houses but the one i currently am at is my uni dorm and the bedspreads are either white and grey or green/blue/pink and they're both floral patterns

colour of your room: at my moms and here they're white but at my dads they're a light greyish brown

this was fun and took me forever lmaooo good way of procrastinating tbh

#zo...

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weathernerdmando · 11 months

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so i have a doctors appointment tomorrow with a new primary doctor and im going to get situated with them bc i need a place to get my adhd medication, but im also gonna ask if they could do at least a preliminary or whatever evaluation for elhers danlos or hypermobility spectrum disorder or something along those lines. and im hesitantly looking forward to that. bc i would really like some answers.

gonna put my reasonings behind a readmore (this is mostly for myself but also if anyone who’s offically diagnosed sees this and has thoughts on it you’re totally welcome to).

in short, something is wrong, even if it’s not ehlers danlos or hsd like i suspect right now.

Its not just bc of the joint issues that i want to look into it honestly. its the joints, yes, but its the Moderate to Severeish (i think i was borderline for surgery iirc, 40 degree curve lower back, 30 degree upper before treatment, its probably back to around close there bc i haven't been to the chiro in probably 6 months now?) scoliosis, the gi issues (fucked up hunger signals (rn, for example, i dont get them half the time even if i know i havent eaten in close to 24 hours, as well as just not feeling hungry but knowing i need to eat bc im shakey, irritated, anxious and unable to focus), constipation that feels like im getting stabbed that i just have to wait out, stretchy and soft skin, the heel lump thingies (can’t spell the offical term), i think the stretch marks, the high and crowded palate, the inability to write for longer than 2 minutes without severe cramps and pain (amongst other issues with my hands, apparently i dont just suck at using chopsticks, my fingers are straight up collapising and htey shouldn’t be. apparently.). i had a submucus cleft palate as a kid, which was surgically corrected (i dont have a uvula lol!) as well as at least one eye muscle surgery and at least one ear surgery for tubes (possibly two, i can’t remember). i still have really shitty vision (-6.5 in left, -3.5 in right, and they’re crosseyed when i take my glasses off. this is with corrective surgery and wearing a patch on my right to make my left eye stronger). as well as the back pain, the neck pain, etc.

I also have what i’d guess is a 4/5 ish to possibly a -8 out of 9 on the beighton. thumbs to wrist - check. elbows - check. i think my knees might actually hyperextend after all, but im not sure, what i do know is i dont think ive ever passed out bc my knees were locked/all the way back and ive stood in that position for a while before. If im standing with the kneecaps forwards but the feet angled, i think that’s where i can see it. The other thing is one of my pinkies is iffy (depends on the day, and i think it doesn’t quite go to 90), and the other i think is at 90 but im not sure, and that one also depends on the day. so at minimum, 4, at highest, 8 i think.

My ribs also go under my hip on my right side if i just. Lean over. Fun to show people but that is most likely not fucking normal. My upper and lower ribs move and some of them Shouldn’t. If this gets me answers as to why sometimes it feels like something catches in my chest (one of my boobs, usually my left) and makes breathing Fucking Painful I’ll be thrilled. And my scapulas *definitely* move in a way they shouldn’t and I suspect my shoulders might actually too. As well as my ankles (what do you mean that ballerinas work to stretch like i can do normally?? also the ankle injuries and the growing-pains-that-might-not-be-growing-pains-especially-since-they’re-still-happening as a kid??) and i swear my right wrist either didn’t heal properly or something else is wrong bc a) it shouldn’t be clicking i don’t think and b) i dont think the bones are supposed to sit like they do. And also my hips. something is up with those but idk exactly what but i think you’re not supposed to be able to do what i can.

im autistic and adhd too which raise the chances Something is up bc they’re incredibly comorbid, as does having the scoliosis i think.

just hoping if they don’t know, they won’t say well nothing is wrong, but maybe “we dont know, lets refer you to someone who does” even if I can’t afford that yet.

#personal shit #tagging to track comment reblog whatever idc #ehlers danlos #hypermobility spectrum disorder #hypermobile ehlers danlos #hEDS #hsd #suspected eds or hsd anyways

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ventcode · 1 year

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I just wanna kinda,, ramble, I guess, so many thoughts on my mind, and I never really ramble on purpose (it's mostly an accidental thing..) so.

my shoulder still hurts kinda. it all hurts alot, actually. i don't know why. no matter what i do. ive stopped bringing it up over and over again though. nobody seems to quite listen. some streches, but the pain only subsides for a little bit.

im hungry, but i ate food all day yesterday. seems no matter how much i eat lately, ill still be hungry, and if i dont eat im starving, it makes my stomach feel horrible, the six and kyoko brain mix surely isn't helping.

im listening to my theme, six's theme part II, it's been calming me down, ive been humming along, im just making sure i dont have another panic attack, it surely does help, afterall its calmed me down before, as six. im not surprised it still helps now.

i keep having to change my shirt, it gets uncomfortable too much, its quite annoying, i put on deodorant too but it seems to wear off and it becomes uncomfortable again, maybe i just need to shower tomorrow (today? i don't count it as the next day until i wake up that morning.), that must be the case, im just not clean.

speaking of, its annoying but i seem to always need reminders to do stuff, or i dont take care of myself and do my own thing, with the food thing its gotten better since im always really hungry lately, so the first thing i try to do when i have time is eat food. but with the other stuff of taking care of myself, i seem to neglect it. showering. cleaning my room (i havent done that in MONTHS). drinking water. brushing my teeth. laundry stuff. i always need reminders. but i cant get reminders from my parents. "you're 14, you need to remember this stuff", and if I set a reminder on my phone, I always swipe away the notification and forget about it without fail. it's annoying. i hate that.

I miss my fort from last year, my matress on the ground next to the window, my tv there, just. ofc it neglected the rest of my room but. i miss my own little space there. it was from a calmer time. it had problems like bugs (i found a cockroach crawling on the tv once at night), but otherwise, everything else was okay, i miss just. i miss that, i guess. maybe I should use that tv again, it still works, just not my PS4, the Wii U works though, so, maybe I'll try that.

I think about holding your hand alot, anywhere, I don't really care where it is, but lately I just. have the feeling it'd be nice to just hold your hand, like you're there with me, I've just been holding onto that pillows sleeve more and more, like im holding onto your hand, it keeps the comfort, it helps just a little, I wish it was real, I want to hold your hand. When we meet, I don't think I'll let go of it. ^^"

My dreams have all been,, upsetting as of late, probably because of my anxieties before I go to bed. it sucks, it gets me in a bad mood in the morning, but I'm trying not to lose my hope for atleast a better dream, if dreams reflect subconscious, then I just have to think good things before bed right? I surely try but, I don't know why they all end up bad, I have alot of bad days, but, during the evening, it gets a bit better, and then bad again, I don't know what's really been happening. A horrible nightmare, they're stressing me, but I need to stop thinking too hard on them, if I do, then nothing good is bound to happen.

I think of those bad opinions on me, I'm really no monster, I'm a traumatized 9 year old, a kid, a child, I'm little. I'm surviving in a world that's trying to kill me. I really just wanted to survive, that's all I wanted. sure I ate a nome and I ate the ladys fucking neck and probably did something else Im unaware of in source atm and didn't save those kids in the maw, but, I really am no monster. I swear and promise. I didn't want to be the "hero who saved the kids", I wanted out, to survive, cause I'm a fucking child. I wish everyone knew that. but who'd believe me, if anything, everyone else would think im crazy, that I'm not really six, that im most likely just delusional, and that upsets me. so I can't be honest. that's such a stupid reason but, yk, the anxieties. (fun not so fun fact! during those hunger pangs when i was playing the game and watching you play as well, my stomach felt like SHIT dude. </3)

Speaking of, depending on the ID, I hate referring to myself in 3rd person (unless im speaking in 3p at the time), it just bothers me and I feel separated from myself, and it hurts. with some its fine and others its not. and sometimes I fuck up, so I'll accidentally refer to myself in 1st person with an irl friend and they'll look confused, I mostly just go oops and correct myself but, god does it really hurt, alot. But I don't wanna be honest abt that since it's easier to just refer in 3rd. even I just do it out of habit, but it just gives me a bad feeling, like I'm not me, and the others aren't. the others. I don't know. maybe I just have issues and shit.

idk why but talking about that just reminded me of that time I met a double and got them banned from using tumblr. bro is that mad !!! but srsly I got like so mad in the dream and spam reported them and Tumblr was on my side and banned the account and ANY NEW ACCOUNTS THEY MADE. bro dream me is winning everyday (/lie im having frequent nightmares!! /silly)

it's hard to talk but also extremely easy to talk, the words come out but I don't want them to, like I don't really want to talk to anyone, of course I make my exceptions, if nobody could tell /silly but, idk, it feels meaningless to talk, I'd rather just. do stuff. not talk unless needed, but, when most your friends are online, you kind of need to talk most of the time, or nobody understands what you're saying, even on voice calls, not like I wanna have my camera on at all times (depending on the person), so, it's still useless, I don't exactly know what to do about this, I feel myself talking more and more even though I wanna talk less and less. oops I guess.

me and toaster talked, we're still friends, but we wont contact for awhile, or atleast not every day, i apologized, and so did he, i really do feel bad for acting like an asshole. but everything's okay now, and it'll all be okay.

seems im getting teary eyed writing,, all this, there's so much I'm saying, yet I say I wanna talk less, that's funny, isn't it? I've written so many thoughts down that it's been like 40 minutes at this point, that's funny, how much is really on my mind.

enjoy my thoughts and rambles, I know atleast one person will read this, waving!! sorry I ruined my sleep schedule again, I'll do better.. :')

Goodnight. ♡

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mollydollyjournals · 2 years

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So I'm separated now. As opposed to married. Because the person I married I guess just doesnt exist anymore and what's there in their place is some stupid dishonest child.

That's been the case for a while. It's why I've been so stressed and upset. I'm sick of being abandoned. I'm sad that a good person turned so horrible. I'm making a big effort to stick with people who consistently support me and are actually nice and honest.

I've lost just about 20lbs since then. As of this morning it was 18lbs, but going by my current weight it might be more by tomorrow. But before that I gained a shit ton of weight. Since I was last properly active on here, I gained maybe 25lbs? So I still have a bit left before I even get back there. It's embarrassing and I hate it. I'm only just about to get back down to what was my 'highest weight ever.' Maybe by tomorrow. If not, probably in the next couple of days.

I'm just done. I dont give a shit what anyone else thinks or says they think about my body. All I know is what I think about it. And I think I want it smaller. I think whatever (x)hb does I will be happier this way.

I'm also still pissed off that I literally cant eat because of anxiety. I want to do stuff. Stuff that would burn so many calories I'd still lose weight. And I'd grow muscle, and be healthier, and have more energy. But instead I just cant handle solid food. I ate some actual food once in the past week and a half, which is not much for me. It was a small portion too. I'm going to try again tomorrow but I know I'm going to really struggle. I'm scared I might end up purging. I havent done that in so long and I dont want to go back to it.

My body is less disgusting to me the smaller it gets. I've never been underweight and my metabolism is really slow so I doubt I have to even worry about that. But on this side of things, it's easier now I'm not as big. I wish I could be happy with myself whatever my size. I wish I could just love my body regardless. But I cant.

So I'm going to keep going. Right now, I'm so hungry. I've been hungry for a while. I want to go downstairs and eat a particular food. But if I do I wont keep losing weight. Especially not if I'm trying to have something solid tomorrow, when I have company. I need to just go to sleep. It's late. I need to go to sleep and get up tomorrow and stay hungry until I get this meal so I'm at least empty for it.

Everything is so weird. Nothing is stable or safe. My whole life just got fucked up. All I can do is mould my body.

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ed-recovery-affirmations · 2 years

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Thank you for replying to my ask and having this blog! I didn't want to tell any detail about my ed I thought that would be very triggering for some people cause it's about losing and gaining weight and dieting so trigger warning!!

But I guess I have always had since high school disturbed body image because diet culture starts affecting you very early on.

In college when I have had depressive episodes one way to cope was restricting my eating and then when I lost the weight I gained when depressed I started to feel better and it was like this yo-yo ish many years.

But oh god last year I had so many things that caused me stress I was living in a survival mode the whole 2021 and maybe still am, and idk why I gained weight guickly maybe it was many things combined. Then when things were bad my bf left me and my friends didn't help me and I was left kinda alone and the only way to cope again was thinking of losing weight. So this is such a classic but my ed was the symptom of my hard life situation and way to cope with the anxiety and stress.

But restricting my eating didnt 'work 'like it used to in the past, I havent been able to lose the gained weight and so my energy and time is still focused on losing that weight even now when im my life situation has improved a bit.

I have talk about my issues with doctors and I feel they haven't been taking my symptoms seriously or have focused just on my depression and anxiety (which are caused by ed so this is a fun cycle). Yesterday I talked to a nutritionist for the first time since applying help and she just said what I already know that even tho ed is a mental health problem the only way to cure is by eating. And that I should stop thinking about losing weight cause that only worsens everything (yeah no shit). And that she can't help me cope with the anxiety it's the other healthcare system that should (have) do(ne) that.

The thing is I have triedddd so much this whole time to take care of my eating but if I had succeeded I wouldn't be having any problems with it still u know?

It's kinda ironic how much I know about ed without being able to do anything. First I need to fix my nutritional status I think that's where everyone starts. And after that maybe intuition eating. I need to learn dbt skill to cope with anxiety and depression. And stop stressing about everything everywhere qll the time. Buying new clothes that fit so looking at my too small clothes wouldn't be so triggering. I need to learn self compassion and find a therapist but they are in high demand so that's really hard. I need to find things that I like about myself and repeat those. But everytime when I fail at trying to fix my daily routine and fix my eating routine I think of it as a setback and its a cycle very hard to get off (I need to wake up early to eat breakfast and lunch early so I wouldn't be so hungry at evening and night cause then I can't sleep properly and then I sleep in and then I eat late and then im hungry at evening and night cause I don't wanna eat too much in the evening and then I sleep in cause my blood sugar is so low from not eating enough in the evening does this make any sense at all) and I think I have ibs from so much stress and I think that's actually the reason I have gained weight like I'm bloated all the time. And i dont have any support cause my depression/ ed made me also isolate from my friends and/or they kinda left me also so yeah. Ummmmm this became a lot longer than i thought. if you read this all thank you and also sorry for dumping all my problems here

Sorry that it took me so long to respond to this - my own life situation is kind of taking a toll on me rn, and I've been slow to respond to people. That will continue to be the case, most likely.

But I'm sorry you've found the system so unhelpful! I really think a competent nutritionist should at least be a little understanding of mental health problems, especially when a lot of people coming to them with additional health needs will probably be coping with a lot and might need a little empathy. I mean, yeah, that's not her main job, but healthcare requires a multipronged approach, especially since her "just eat" directive won't be helpful without someone assisting with the mental health aspect simultaneously. I mean, if she frequently works with ED clients she should know that - "just eat" is such an ineffective directive. I hope you find a therapist or a team of therapists that are capable of helping you.

My advice, though? Break it down for yourself. All of these things are a cycle that feed into one another, so making progress in ANY of these areas you struggle in is still progress. And if you let yourself focus on one thing at once, it might not seem so overwhelming. Also remember that everyone struggles with hard days/moments, so if you slip, it doesn't mean you've lost all your progress. It seems an all-or-nothing approach can be really self-defeating. I get it, though - that's definitely something I still find myself struggling with!

I really hope you find more social support! I don't know if you have any online support groups. I also hope it's okay that I published this ask - I tend to do it unless otherwise specified so that people on here don't feel alone in their struggles. I bet there have been lots of ED sufferers who struggled during the pandemic, who have been feeling a lot of overwhelm and who struggle with finding adequate support and on trying to accept their bodies as-is and who are triggered by things like buying new clothes. I'm wondering if anyone else would like to share their experiences.

#weight mention #restriction cw #ask vent

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dyingclown · 14 days

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TW ED AND SH, NOT CURRENT BUT REMINISCING

seventh grade was actually crazy because who told 12 year old me that it was normal and healthy to be browsing eating disorder twitter every single day 😭😭😭

it started as only self harm twitter because idk obvious reasons but theres so much overlap that i was just drawn in

its actually so inconvenient because now when i look through my camera roll from that time period im randomly jumpscared by a series of images of starving girls and people with sh wounds going through to their bones 😭😭😭

like come on. im trying to look back at a DIFFERENT trauma (shiloh)

thats the real reason i got permabanned from twitter LMFOAOSOALA

thats lowkey how i got out of that mindset because i wasnt in a constant echo chamber of calories and numbers and bullshit

i still think it like fundamentally altered me as a person though 💀💀💀

at least it wasnt as bad as my eighth grade eating disorder situation

since i was banned on twitter i used a different forum website which was much much worse

like ive been trying to be more healthy recently and i catch myself thinking "well it was so easy in december 2022..." NO ALLISTER. NO. BAD. EATING 300 CALORIES A DAY IS NOT THE WAY TO BE HEALTHY. HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO BUILD MUSCLE UNDER THESE CONDITIONS.

its also why im SO fucking weak now

sorry chat i starved away all my muscle and now i am not good for anything!!!

it was crazy how rapidly i lost strength

it was interesting because that was around the time i came up with the idea for my book so that was my little escapism

i just imagined charlie and built up his lore to distract myself from the constant empty aching of my stomach 💀💀💀

it was also sad though because at the time i was like "wow! starving myself is so Good For My Mental Health! because now, i dont think about my old groomer constantly! because im too focused on being so impossibly fucking hungry to even think straight!"

i like was scared of eating normally again because i didnt want to have to think again

GIVE ME ALL YOUR LSD SO I CAN FEEL MY MIND UNWEAVE AGAIN

THEY SAY THE BEAUTYS JUST SKIN DEEP SAY ANA STANDS AND RENDS THE RANCID MEET FROM HER BONES BONES BONES LET ME SEE YOUR BONES

I DONT WANNA KNOW IF THE FEELING FOLLOWS HOME

BONES BONES BONES

HELL WE'RE ALL ALONE

IF I COME HOME BABY WILL YOU SHOW YOUR BONES

there needs to be a study done on the effects of that song on mentally ill children 😭😭😭 its so good but i cant listen to it without war flashbacks.

god i was out of my fucking mind

i remember frantically googling the amount of calories in a ramen flavor packet because i was so hungry that i literally just ate the powder 💀💀💀 i came to the conclusion of 30 calories! but i dont think that was accurate LMAO

i used to like dirty up plates and stuff to make it look like i ate

and wake up early while nobody was home to sneak into my dads room and use his scale

i remember when i tried to purge like 1/4 of a sandwich 😭😭😭 ALLISTER YOU HAVE EMETOPHOBIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING

local faggot transcends boundaries of emetophobia to get rid of a nominal amount of calories because hes fucking delusional!

gtg do a dbq now more later maybe BYEEEE BOOP

#tw ed #tw sh

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nightmaredxydreams · 1 month

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we're at a weird phase in treatment for DID.

we're fusing more alters- great! some truly didn't serve a purpose anymore, some were so similar they literally looked and acted similar to each other, some gave us shame, some had an internal appearance or traits of abusers or people we associate with trauma. those are being fused into alters that actually help our recovery.

we dont struggle with validity as much- we all have proof enough we're real and our trauma is real. invalidity is still a somewhat frequent struggle but it doesnt fill up our thoughts 24/7

dissociation is very weird rn? we dont depersonalize or derealize as much but its also episodic, rn we're having very bad short term memory and emotional numbing. also a lot more passive than usual. able to ignore certain things we usually wouldnt. (example, im hungry but can override the urge to eat)

we're also able to realize we've always dissociated and always will, dissociation doesnt have to be sensationalized dp/dr and blackout amnesia all the time. only remembering five words from a conversation even though i listened carefully? dissociation. seeing memories in third person? dissociation. not seeing our trauma as traumatic? dissociation. i mainly have been mostly dissociated from trauma except a small amount. so the fact i never saw our trauma as traumatizing even before i was aware id been through it isnt a surprise. ironically, i used to use these "i didnt know that was dissociation!" moments as "proof" why i didnt have trauma or DID. because of the media stereotypes on DID and the DID/OSDD systems online, i thought if i wasn't seeing myself outside of my body and feeling like the world wasnt real all the time in between blackouts i didnt have DID. i was nothing like that. i had dp/dr in week or so long episodes. most of the time i was emotionally and/or physically numb, or my emotions were easily "shrugged off." it took me until this year to fully get the "dissociation is always to extremes or you don't have DID" idea out of our head.

so we're healing and we're also not. some areas are getting better and some are getting worse. theres no such thing as total healing with cptsd. for how much progress weve made with DID there's more we need to do to make our system more functional. right now idk if we'll get there.

#childhood trauma #actually cptsd #actually dissociative #dissociative identity disorder

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ancient-reverie · 1 month

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I'm very tired of barely functioning every day. it's not a good life. I don't get to do anything that makes me happy. I don't get to do the things I want to. on top of that it's so frustrating when I say this to the people that live in the house with me, aka my family, and they just give me a blank stare.

this ended up being a full rant sorry

or my brother feels guilty but does nothing about it except... he internalizes that guilt and he turns it into a 'well now I feel bad because you made me feel guilty even though the reason I feel guilty is because I choose not to do anything to help when you talk to me and I'm too much of a coward to own up to that and say fuck off or change and help you. and also my empathy range is so much higher than everyone else's because my autism is so much worse bc our mom said so. so right now you're attacking me and I'm going to mope and be sad about how I am and how you are and play videogames and say "sorry" and forget this conversation happened. and maybe cut myself bc I'm such a horrible person for this' sort of fucking deal.

tired of building up courage over days to ask my mom if she can help me with chores. only to let her push back until I relent and say "it's okay I'm not trying to make you do anything you don't want to" "I'm not gonna make you do that" "i dont actually have to do that it's fine *very much needs to do it*" and end up not getting help at all. I almost don't ask because she just acts like she's super busy when she isn't. she also can't understand why it's so hard for me to do basic things. she also doesn't understand that it's hard for me to do said basic things constantly. like every single thing every single day is a struggle.

I'm constantly saying "I can't do anything today" or "I didn't do anything today" and she smiles and says "oh I have days like that! they're soooo nice when I don't have to do anything!" or "it's okay, some days are like that. it's like a vacation. it's a day off" shut up shut up shut up you fucking tone deaf fucking-

and my dad has good advice and is capable but he is busy, and our source of income and the reason our house is in one piece physically for the most part. I also say he's capable but both my parents are in their 60's and he's got some last health things that still get to him sometimes so I really try not to burden him with my shit.

but I can't function on my own. I really need a physical body next to me that can help me. and it's not a one-way street. I genuinely get more energy and willpower to function when I have someone there with me. they sometimes don't even have to physically do anything. and half of them helping is them letting me do stuff for them.

I'll cook if you say you're hungry which means I eat too.

I'll take a nap with you if you ask me to.

I'll go for a walk and sit outside if you make the first move.

I'll clean if you start.

I'll do laundry if you suggest it and help me take it to the laundry room.

And it took me a while to learn this but I'm not co-dependant for wanting this.

I'm a disabled human who is neglected and alone. I'm a human being, which is a social mammal that requires others of its species to survive. It's quite normal to want this and it's very necessary to good health to have it.

#hell o void #hell o hadal #hell o popsicle #im so fucking tired...#im so tired of being alone in a house filled with people #and when youre me and dislike the people in the house youre too afraid to make noise or exist around them so you never est or shower or #chronically disabled #actually disabled #invisible disability

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taxfraudhousewife · 2 months

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how far do i go back before i can stop feeling guilty

i know it wasn’t me just my blood

closest i’ll ever get to sweet white guilt

guilt any european might hold so it shouldn’t matter

from sand made soil by way of blood and salt

from soil never mine but i still long like it is

i don’t care — not me

from soil steeped in seasonal flood

from red the poppies grow

i don’t care — not me

if they came for the jews and the slavs and the gays and the muslims

fuck am i supposed to do with that

if they came for the healers and artists

then i have no choice right

i don’t care — not me

if it’s everyone but me might as well shower with them

i got lucky

the right mix of jew and slav and gay and muslim can be nothing at all

the right mix gets to be niece and cousin of everyone else dragged away

why now and not two years ago

is that what happens when you see one palestinian kids brain fall out her fuckin head

maybe it’s actually the worst thing i’ve seen

is that good or bad

every weird fuckin execution makes me think of you

is that what your last waking seconds were

cold and hungry and probably better off dead

i didnt get the humiliation part of genocide until now

it makes me think of you were your last few years spent ashamed

was it cause of how you turned out

do you blame them like i do

you blame them by the masses i know

but by the man do you blame them

had you not been ethnically cleansed would you personally still turn out like that

i hate them hard like it would bring you back

i know you’d hate it but the thought of you fills me with hate for them

you don’t get it cause it’s you but you looked like shit i’m being deadass

you were so skinny and green and it was so fucked up and i just wanted to cry the whole time

you don’t get it i know you don’t care but that was fucked and i still dont understand

i can’t understand and it just fills me with hate for them

all i know or think i do is

they did that shit to you

i wish i knew you before you lost your fuckin marbles

before they stole your fuckin marbles

i know it’s still you just missing several marbles

but it makes me really fuckin sad cause you’re nice

i hated people harassing me to eat i thought you were sabotaging me

i hated the body shaming i thought everyone was lying to sabotage me

maybe it was cause yours sounded less like an accusation

you of all pieces of shit made me eat and i couldn’t make you eat

i know it’s different i know it’s just convergent evolution

still i can’t stomach it

the thing in my head is always

I COULDVE TAKEN CARE OF YOU

then i could’ve been your right hand

isn’t that fuckin dumb as fuck

bold ass assumption for me of all pieces of shit to make

still i could’ve i would’ve

easy for me to say now

is that how lenins and hitlers are born

whatever it is you got me i’ll die for your cause except i won’t cause i’m scared to

sometimes i feel like it wouldn’t feel right to now

never called myself uyghur but an extension of you

not the village not the elders and children just you

really you and husya were the only things holding my heart there

husya is not okay i repeat the husya is not okay

i hoped you might save him as dumbfuck as that sounds

i thought he’s a terrorist and you’re a terrorist so obviously you’re like friends with his boss

hoped too hard you might be friends with his boss

didn’t think to know you’re not iran backed

he used to be normal i did his online russian course in grade nine

in grade ten i saw him for two days and we drank hennessy on the bus

he didn’t talk about it

not a god fuckin damn idea where he is now

like we don’t even know what fuckin country he’s in

would you happen to know

can you see him from all the way up there

is he blowing up malls is he freeing slaves

does he eat well is it hard to get weed wherever he is

you men and your abandoning

if you’re not in cold storage and you care to divinely intervene

and if you feel bad for my grieving you if you might make it up to me

can you watch over him o holy muslim jesus

make him gtfo while he can

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