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#actually traumatized

“F*ck you my child is completely fine!”

your child listens to “Call them brothers” by Only son and Regina Spektor on repeat at 1am

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I can’t relax or sleep no matter how hard I try I’m just too hurt over the fact that no one likes me or wants me and the fact that not one single person loves me not even any of my family members, I’m too hurt over not being wanted by anyone I can’t relax or sleep no matter what

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“I’m wondering why do all the monsters come out at night?

Why do we sleep where we want to hide?

Why do I run back to you

Like I don’t mind if you fuck up my life?

Why am I a sucker for all your lies?

Strung out like laundry on every line

Why do I come back to you

Like I don’t mind if you fuck up my life?”

-All Time Low: Monsters ft. blackbear

“Dear Shakespeare

Could you write happy ending please

Could you write a happy ending please

We just deserve a happy ending please, please

And every sting from every tear drop

From every ring at every pawn shop”

- Romeo and Juliet by Hobo Johnson

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HA! I wish I could be a functioning adult for once in my life. Hate Seroquel with a passion… Clonazepam prescription has run out. Sleep? Who’s she? Never heard of her.

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Please ruin me, I’m already damaged beyond repair please just ruin me and do what you want to do so I can finally be of use to you please use me please make me feel wanted

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Someday you will see how terrible I really am.
You’re going to abandon me too, right?

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I need to just distract myself or else my thoughts will get to me or else all of my past trauma like what people have done to me and have said to me that was meant to hurt me will just come back to haunt me even though it already does every single day every single minute and even though it’s all I think about any way just keeping busy and occupying myself just helps a tiny bit even if it means not sleeping because I’ll just have dreams about what’s happened to me I’ll just have dreams about how everyone on this planet hates me so I just have to distract myself, I just have to distract myself, I just have to or else him streaming at me or other people screaming at me and making fun of me with all of the hurtful things they’ve said will get louder I just have to distract myself or I’ll get more overwhelmed I just have to

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I drove back to where most of the abuse happened. The house was torn down and now there’s a pretty two story house instead. The blackberry and honeysuckle bushes are gone. The lawn isn’t just rocks and weeds anymore but grass. I just sat in my car for a minute and cried and I don’t know if I feel better or not knowing that it isn’t there anymore. The place with those memories is gone forever, and it’s nice but it also feels like a bad attempt at erasing what happened. I don’t know how to feel.

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i literally don’t even know what’s going on. part of me is working up a panic and if i try to “feel” the part i can just feel my heart rate increase. another part is like urgently waving hands going “shh shh shh please calm down” and i’m just sitting here blank expression trying so hard to not get overwhelmed by feeling insane

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sometimes i think about a few years ago when my mom said that when i was like 15, i pretty changed to “completely different person overnight”. she likely didn’t think much of telling me that but it’s validating as it lines up with me having did. were we even slightly close, i’d ask her about it. (i do not talk to her about anything personal) i can’t remember shit (thanks did). i do want to know what way i changed, though i’m thinking to her it probably looked like i got suddenly depressed and withdrawn and started self harming. most likely because of either frequent switches or a host change? i don’t know. (it isn’t really important which, but i’m still curious. i just know nothing of my own history.) even though she said something to the effect of me being a different person overnight i don’t think she intended to be interpreted as talking about did, nor do i think she ever considered it as a possibility, really. so hearing that? idk.

idk. it doesn’t really matter i guess and i’m not even posting this for any real reason, i guess it’s just because i remember so little of my own life that any affirmation from outside figures that line up with our conclusions - specifically about did, as that’s still the one i struggle hardest with actually accepting. like i don’t worry anymore that i’m somehow unknowingly faking being autistic or having cptsd etc but it’s so hard with did. yes i know denial is a huge part of the disorder and on some level it’s the core of the disorder. no this doesn’t make it easier to actually accept it - feels like a big ol slap in the face. but like, i am also desperate for them.

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Person: *literally does nothing*

Me: They HATE ME and now I wanna kms 

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