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I don’t know how to make plans with people because I can never tell if we’re on the “level” of friendship yet where we can hang out outside of school/work. Like, there’s people I talk to occasionally that I think are cool and I’d like to become better friends with, but I have like a mental roadblock that only lets me get so close to people. I always end up shutting people out once I get too comfortable with them, like my first real relationship failed because (among other reasons) I couldn’t fathom him genuinely wanting to put up with me.

Also I’m on the autism spectrum, so I think that’s another reasons it’s a struggle for me to form new connections

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You know…

If schools educated kids/teens about neurodiversity properly, then internalized ableism would stand less of a chance. I’m just so tired of the ableist jokes and the offensive wording that people in my classes use as if it was nothing.

People like them think they know what autism/adhd et cetera is, but guess what? They don’t. I’m very sure that if they knew that I am autistic, they would be surprised. Why? Because they’re ignorant of real neurodevergent folks, and they think we all act the same stereotypical way. I don’t fit into those stereotypes 100%, so they would be surprised. Because they don’t actually know things.

Education is key. Teach kids and teens that there is a spectrum! That neurodiversity is not a disease! That our brains just work different from neurotypical ones and that that is fine. I can’t speak for other schools, but we never learned anything about it in class. Why not?

The ignorance is just fueled by society, but the right knowledge could help so easily.

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Is watching five minutes of a youtube video then pausing it to ramble and pace then sitting down to watch another five minutes than pausing to ramble and pace an ADHD thing or an autism thing? I think its ADHD

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CW: ableist comment?? maybe? 

My therapist is great. She does DBT and that is the only therapy that has worked for me since I need help with making my thinking flexible and I like how the skills can be like checklists instead of vague concepts. Anyway a thing that has bothered me is she flat out told me I didn’t have autism (after being diagnosed when I took the ados 2 years prior) 

I am currently a bit burnt out so I can’t mask as well and I have been telling her about my life and things I remember. I never say autism but she seems to be getting it. I am realizing that some people take time to understand since I mask so much and when I don’t I am just seen as odd or a bad kid. She wants me to be less focused on labels but she is more than I am she can’t wrap her head around level 2 (gross I am not a fan of functioning labels but she is sooo) autism applying to me since she sees me for two hours a week. How can she know me? I don’t know if I should be happy she understands more (I think)  or upset that I still can’t be proud of who I am or how I live. 

Sorry just a bit of a vent  

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12. What should studies on autism focus on?

Studies done on autism should probably stop being about finding cures or causes. Stuff that would improve autistics quality of life would be good. Also more studies on autistic adults.

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I’m reading about pathological demand avoidance for the first time and it hit a bit too close to me. several things popped into my head that could well be explained with pda according to what I’ve read, and I’d be happy to get other people’s opinions.

- I’ve never had problems with schoolwork, but I did do most of my assignments at the last possible moment. now this could also be explained by executive dysfunction or plain old procrastination, but what’s interesting is that whenever I decided something like “starting tomorrow I’ll study 2 topics each day” I knew that I had to start studying THAT day instead of the next, because it wasn’t a “must” to do just yet and I didn’t have the accompanying anxiety. mind you, we’re only a night’s sleep away from the start of the “official start day” but the fact that it wasn’t “tomorrow” yet so I technically didn’t HAVE TO do the studying made all the difference.

- another thing I find freakishly relatable is how whenever we’re planning anything that I’m looking forward to, like going for a hike, a walk, starting small renovations, playing board games… I’m all enthusiastic as long as it’s just theoretical but whenever the actual date for said activity occurs I start coming up with excuses. and it’s mostly with things where someone else is involved and I feel like they want me to do the thing. “I feel tired now, maybe later” “we shouldn’t go to the movies after all, we can watch it later on netflix and we’ll even save money” “I don’t know how to / if I can execute this task 100% so I’ll wait until it’s absolutely pressing to do or someone else helps”

- I’ve never read anything else that could explain why I feel a sudden burst of anger and irritation whenever someone tries to help me by telling me what to do if I didn’t ask for their help. we constantly fight over this with my boyfriend because he’s being nice and wants to help me and all I want him to do is just listen and support me without offering unsolicited advice. but then he does and suddenly I physically feel myself clamming up in defense because all his ideas, all his plans of action make me feel anxious and overwhelmed. which is sad since we can no longer proceed with solving the issue that started the conversation in the first place because I’m all closed up and irritated and I reject everything.

- there are just too many instances where I feel like I absolutely should have been able to execute a task that someone asked me to do right away but I just couldn’t so I came up with excuses or even manipulated the situation so that I didn’t have to do it then. I wasn’t tired, I had all the time in the world, I wasn’t depressed, I had the tools and resources and I still didn’t. couldn’t. and then the task hung in the back of my mind and everytime I thought of it I was filled with dread and anxiety and I started fearing interactions with the person in case they brought it up or asked again. and if they did, my response was an automatic irritated defensive stance filled with shame and guilt. because I knew they needed me to do the thing but I couldn’t, and I don’t know why I couldn’t but the thought of them demanding this thing to be done was such a huge stress on me that sometimes I was so anxious I wasn’t able do anything else. and I still. couldn’t. do. the damn thing.

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autistic routines

The thing about sameness that makes me feel better is that when I do things exactly the same way every time, be it a routine or a general compulsion, I don’t have to worry about running into unexpected situations where I may not know how to do something right or have to adjust to something that I find extra difficult to adjust to. It reduces anxiety by making things predictable and familiar.

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another thing I just realized about being autistic and trying to figure out if I have other diagnosable issues: my black and white thinking causes me to believe that I should have every single symptom of said issue otherwise I don’t have it. and if I convince myself that life is not black and white and I absolutely fit the criteria, I feel like a fraud everytime I see a symptom that I don’t have…

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fuck it, blog hasnt been active in ages but imma post it here too bc im angy

just found out that some famous instagram mommy blogger influencer who i will not name bc i dont wanna promote her literally gave away one of her children she adopted bc he turned out to be autistic

aka she couldnt make any money off of him because he didn’t like being on camera and had some autistic toddler aggression issues so she tried to force him into “autism therapy” and when that didn’t work (which it almost never does), she dumped him and gave him away to another family instead of trying to accommodate his needs and understand how autism affects kids

she then proceeded to make a video about the situation and promptly spent the entire video going between crocodile tears and wording almost everything about the kid as if he was a fucking pet. “he’s now found his forever home”, “we had to rehome him” like jesus christ this is why i hate mommy bloggers and their exploitation of children for money. she also claimed that she “values [the child’s] privacy” but yet she doesnt for any of her other kids bc she posts videos of them without their consent in order to make money.

if you profit off of your kids, you’re a disgusting human being and should not be a parent. if you profit or TRY to profit off of your autistic kids, you’re doubly disgusting. period.

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So in Hogwarts a Mystery there are these dialogue options. The wrong one is usually pretty obvious, but I often can’t tell which is right and which is ok. But the same question will come back and I’ll remember which one was green. And it occurred to me this is how I treat dialogue in real life, too—find the one that works, and then continue to use it in my script

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Is it just me or if someone else doesn’t use emojis or something while texting me then I can’t help but assume they’re like,, angry or hate me??? Same with using periods idk why but I don’t get it

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I love that hand-wringing is an expression because it’s also my new favorite stim and every time I do it I get a flash of me as a worried 40 y/o Catholic mother

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So some of my choir is gonna have a Zoom meeting. I haven’t seen any of them except John (choir director, doing music on church live-streams) since the end of March. I miss them, and I am probably gonna cry when I see their faces again on my iPad.

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I would assert that anyone dismissing self diagnosis out of hand doesn’t understand the purpose of self diagnosis and/or doesn’t understand the systemic issues surrounding clinical diagnosis.

This is doubly true for autism.

Is self diagnosis dangerous? It can be. Is self diagnosis limited? Of course. Are clinical diagnoses important? Absolutely. Are clinical diagnoses always necessary and appropriate? No. Full stop. Are slef diagnosis sometimes necessary and appropriate? Absolutely.

You are the only judge of your circumstances. You are the only person that can make the sort of risk assessment that comes with self diagnosis. You are the only person that can determine if you have put a good faith effort into self diagnosis or whether “want attention” (in quotes because I am of the opinion that if your want for attention is that desperate maybe it is a need not being fulfilled). You are the only person that can decide whether you would seek clinical diagnosis if clinical diagnosis were equitable in all ways.

Be aware of the risks. Be careful. Be open to changing that diagnosis as you learn more about it and other diagnoses. Be honest with yourself. Make use of the resources the community has to offer.

If people say boo, you are welcome to send them to me. I have a void of flying fucks I’m more than happy to share with them.

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