We are always in progress…
Even when we are in rest.
And the cycles repeats.
This time round I keep hearing of new cases that are friends of friends, and deaths and everyone’s pretty fatigued with it all and it’s telling on our mental health.
Meanwhile at home I find that while it’s tricky to tell the difference between a fibro flare up and a covid issue the net result is the same. Yesterday I peeled carrots and parsnips to roast, put them in water, and later I chopped them and boiled them for a bit. I left them overnight in a colander. Standing to prepare food is still tiring and painful. I had to prepare the dog’s food which isn’t a lot, but the back pain and breathing was intense while I was actually sick and then lingered for a long while afterwards. I finally learned how to order take away food. Then, fearful of the cost I’d try to figure out how to make an order last for two or three meals.
I’m about to try a new treatment for migraine. Botox gave me no relief this time round. I went straight from the worst of the three months to the treatment, to catching covid and having wall to wall migraines anyway, and then getting no real time off before the efficacy of the treatment fell off a cliff anyway.
I can write one word at a time but I can’t do the bigger picture stuff, so book one lies there in a state of unfinished imminence and I don’t have the brains to look at it. Somehow it occurs to me to keep writing and start the next book.
I’ve been wanting to make a post about how Pokémon BW helped me deal with a tough time for a while now, and I figured that since I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about the game that it’d be a good a time as any.
I’d like to warn that this story talks about child abuse and PTSD. This is something that actually happened to me, and I’d appreciate it if people didn’t make jokes in the comments about what happened.
With that being said, let’s get started~
Something that many people here know is that I have autism, but what a lot of people DON’T know is I am an abuse victim as a result of it. Growing up I was always forced into “autism programs” which were meant to “help” kids with autism, but instead they were practically tortured for misbehaving, yet they come up with poor excuses defending why what the teachers did was right. Because of these horrid experiences, I developed extreme PTSD and anxiety disorder, and I had trouble trusting people.
Well, on Scratch’s Pokémon Topic there was a person who absolutely LOVED Pokemon Black and White. I had been wanting to get another Pokémon game, so I decided “okay sure, I’ll get that one next” because she really liked it and I thought it’d be fun to check it out.
If only I knew at that time what would happen.
So one day after “school” we stopped by a nearby GameStop and I bought the game. After I transferred the Pokémon from the existing save file to Pokémon Bank, I reset the game and started playing. It was an amazing experience, and I was looking forward to meeting this “N” character said person was so into.
After finally encountering him, I thought what he was saying was weird. I kept on playing, and slowly understood more and more.
Eventually, I realized that N was an abuse victim just like me, for similar reasons too. We were both hurt for being “different”, and developed social anxieties. We were both closed off from the rest of the world, with our only friends being pets/Pokémon, and we were never able to experience things other kids were able to do just because we were “different”. I posted this on my unovamemes sideblog, but I theorize N has autism just like I do, which adds to my connection.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but this game was helping me cope with my PTSD. I would think of the characters and they’d bring me comfort. Over time, rather than drawing ponies a lot like I used to I began drawing N and Reshiram all the time. I have so many detailed drawings of N, but most of them haven’t been shared publicly yet.
It wasn’t until last month that I realized why I was doing this.
It occurred to me that N was helping me cope with my PTSD and anxiety. I would think to myself “N went through this, and so can I” or “what would N do in this situation?” I began seeing things in a different way, and became more self aware.
I even had dreams of me being in the Pokémon world, and being friends with N and other characters from the games. But mostly N. Sometimes I’d have lucid dreams, which for those who don’t know are dreams where you’re aware that you’re dreaming so you can control what happens in some way. In these lucid dreams, I was able to control myself but the characters were out of my control, so it was like I was really in the game’s universe with them.
All of these dreams made me so happy, and thinking of what goes on in them makes me smile. Sure, there’s some *weird* moments like N and Colress kissing after I reunited them (no, I don’t ship this.), but then there’s also really cool moments, like having Pokémon battles together or solving mysteries.
So, over time, I sort of considered N to be like an older brother to me, someone I’d seek help from when having a bad day.
After reaching the end of the first game after THREE YEARS, N’s farewell nearly brought a tear to my eye (though I was mostly in shock that I finally beat Dennis, I had been struggling with that fight for such a long time). The one who I had considered a friend throughout my entire journey, even if we weren’t always on the same side, was leaving for two years because he had been hurt so much. I knew that he’d be okay because I knew some of the sequel’s storyline, but it was still so sad. I was scared for him. What if he got hurt again?
Then, he said the famous “dream your dream” speech.
I’ve had the same goal in life ever since I was a small child: being a professional animator. I’ve always wanted to share my stories with the world in the form of animated cartoons. What N said really spoke to me, as if he was telling me that I could live my true goal in life. I knew it was just some prewritten dialogue being spoken by a fictional character, however it really spoke to me.
I never knew one game would change my life so much.
Thank you, Game Freak, for helping me deal with such horrible things.
I’ve slowly been recovering now that I’m in a better school, however the pandemic has been making things harder as I have to do school from home. But N and the rest of the characters from the game have been there for me, as well as my friends on Scratch who would laugh at my N lettuce hair jokes. All of you were there supporting me when I needed it the most.
Even though the game was challenging at times (Elesa, the Elite Four, the fricking annoying (redacted bad word) Ghetsis), it brought such a feeling of satisfaction when I was finally able to beat them.
If you ever deal with something as horrible as I did, don’t do things alone. Seek help. Even if it is a fictional character, they might be able to help you get through it, just like N helped me with my anxieties.
There’s much more I’d like to add, but this post is long enough as is. But I hope that my story inspires you, or at least makes you understand how much this game helped me.
(Also, please message me if you ever want to talk about Pokémon! I need more people to talk about it with)
(Oh, and N’s farewell was stuck in my head while writing this. That song is beautiful but I sort of ruined it for me by using it in a memorial video for my cat. Now whenever I hear it I think of my cat’s death. 14 YEAR OLD ME WHY DID YOU DO THAT. Well, my N figure helped me feel better about losing her so there’s that)
Started watching nge recently and… Rei autistic, perchance?
hi i’m back still mentally ill and finally in a relationship with another neurodivergent, i would say life is good but i still live with my toxic mother but i’m doing better.
Acrylic on 12x16" canvas, January 22, 2021
A view of an imaginary city that I’ve had in my mind for a long time.
The fact that I made it until like 17 without any chewy jewelry is like wild because man I was just chomping down on a racer said yeah sometimes I swallowed bits of them.
Like if I was a kid right now in elementary school one of my teachers would probably be like “you should get her some chewy necklaces”
But I went to a weird Catholic school in the early 2000s. They just thought I was a weirdo
off topic but stimming when u dont feel like stimming is w e i rd
like idk man
driving a different car for the first time while autistic is just //adjusts seat //adjust seat //agitated hand flapping //adjusts seat //adjusts seat //ANGRY SEAT BOUNCE //fidgets //adjusts seat //adjusts seat //adjusts seat
Made a meme because I was Annoyed 🥰
[Image ID: The ‘blood orange’ meme from 'project runway’. The top left square shows a lady’s hand holding a swatch of bright red fabric, with the caption edited to say “It’s like, a person with autism…”
The second image, in the top right, shows a brown-haired man in a denim shirt, on a white background with a black mannequin in the background. He says “'Person with autism’, she’s so pretentious.”
The third image, in the bottom left, displays the same man as before, this time saying “Shut up. Just use 'autistic’.”
The fourth and final image shows this man looking off to the side, amused, as he repeats “Person with autism…” End ID]
Something to come…
people: it’s okay if you’re exhausted doing the work in school/your job!! it doesn’t make you lazy!!! :)
me: but what if you physically can’t? like if you’re too weak and exhausted to do the work even though you haven’t been doing it?
So, I saw the first episode of the Winx saga.
There are a lot of things wrong with this series, but let’s stick to the theme of the account.
At one point we are told that Bloom is a changeling.
So, in case you didn’t know : changeling is an ancient myth that sometimes fairies replace a newborn with a scythe, a “fairy child”, and therefore the growing child is not really the child of them parents, is not human, is a “changeling”.
The problem was, what were described as the things that recognized a changeling… were autistic traits.
So yes, it was totally a way for parents to find excuses to abuse, kill or abandon their autistic child because “it’s okay, it’s a fairy kid, it’s not really my child”. It’s one of the roots of the opressions and eugenics to which we are subjected today.
And in this show, not only did they pick up on that myth without talking for a single second about the horrible story behind it, but in addition, they made sure that a character who is absolutely not autistic is a changeling. I don’t know if you realize the disrespect…
We could be killed or kicked out by our own parents for that. It’s not just “a cool legend”, it’s the story of autistic people.
I wondered so much if they had really dared to do this that I tried to do some research… But I only came across a statement from the Bloom actress who said she thinks Bloom has a “mental illness like narcissism” and that she “can’t be happy because she’s mad”
So while researching autismophobia I just came across psychophobia and the stigma of mental illness…
From what I have seen from the series, at several points they have tried to be “inclusive”… But this is BIG counterbalanced by the autismophobia of this term (which seems to be very important in the series), the many misogynistic dialogues of certain characters and the whitewashing of Flora (re named “Terra”) and Musa…
I could not even go until episode 2 because I was so triggered by the use they made of the word “changeling”…
It’s our story, our past, you can’t just reclaim that term like that.
Me: wow I sure am getting bored of eating the same food all of the time
also me: *never tries any new food ever*
Hey, Mari here! Raph trusted me with making the avatar for this page and after all my work in designing this, it ended up looking really low quality due to the size. So I figured I’d post it so that I can actual show off my hours of work. It’s our two patronuses, mine being a brown hare and his being a tortoiseshell cat, over our house colors with the symbol for being neurodivergent symbol at the top!