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Being autistic and having bpd is fun until you’re having a friendly debate about your special interest with your neurotypical friend and they completely disagree with you on smth and you’re trying not to split and you know you should back down but ur stupid useless brain is like “THATS MY OPINION!! BUT ALSO WE’RE RIGHT THRY JUST DONT GET IT!!”

And then they snap first bc you’re being an asshole and pissing them off. And all the adrenaline fades and you sit there like “Nice. They hate me but also what were we expecting to happen?”

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i just can’t take it anymore.

my hands are shaking, my mind is racing. my head is hurting, my eyes are crying, my heart pounds hundreds of times per minute and i just wish

it would stop.

please, i want it to stop, i want it to end. nothing holds me here. nobody wants to hold me. nobody wants me

i don’t even want myself

- @anodynum

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My mind keeps telling me to push you away. And yet that’s absolutely absurd. You’re without a doubt the best thing to ever come into my life. You make me feel comfortable, you allow me to be able to breathe, you make me want to be a better person. You lift me up. And you do all this just simply by being you. We’ve been in love for 3 years and it’s been wonderful. I love you so much and I hope we get married and start a family some day.

But my brain keeps telling me to push you away. To sabotage the beautiful future I know we are very likely to have together. I don’t know. I guess I just feel like I don’t deserve to be loved. I feel like I don’t deserve someone as amazing, kind, and loving as you..

I’d be devastated if I did push you away though. Maybe my brain knows that and wants to hurt me where it’d hurt the most? I don’t know. It’s hard to rationalize these thoughts and actually put them into words.

I’m sorry I’m so fucked up in the head.

I love you so much. I always will.

I’m sorry I’m so broken.

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i’ve been performing excellently as of late but inside i’m totally disconnected. i can do great if i’m heavily distracted but once that’s gone my thoughts immediately begin to spiral downward. earlier i thought i might honestly be getting better; emontional permanence, who?

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