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#adapting and overcoming i'm laughing my ass off
argiopi · 3 years
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on the backs of your mothers
#I met a mother wolf spider! With all her little children on her back!#Wolf spiders are so gorgeous their smooth tapered legs made me think of them as octopus spiders when I was a kid#picked her up & set her outside bc we're not supposed to have pests in the lab. buddy was trying to break into the chemicals cabinet.#she was so docile.. just let me scoop her up and didn't even run I wonder if carrying babies made her sluggish.#wow the love I felt for that little family. highlight of that week.#anyway it made me think of if hornet liked to ride on her moms#also I drew this during a 5 hour bus trip. enjoy the lines that look seismograph-esque#adapting and overcoming i'm laughing my ass off#no pen pressure -> okay i'll draw in MS paint.#no tablet drivers -> okay i'll draw on paper.#what's next; dear world? I've bested your challenges!#yeah i've not had the means to properly fix my computer but who says you can't run with a shoddy solution for a while#colored with old highlighters I found in my backpack but they were all dried so I used the colors as different values according to wetness#and converted to grayscale then hue-corrected in post. limited touchup by mouse because fuck that#ADAPT. OVERCOME. you all would love to see the raw photo it's mostly green and orange it looks strange#could barely see what I was doing either; the air went dark with a curtain of thick rain and then the sun set#vespa is so HUGE... she'd be bigger than the white lady if it weren't for WL's far-reaching roots. but her main body is much larger.#I imagine she's saying 'aren't you a bit old for that?'#posting traditional art feels weirdly exposed. like my hand made that!#hollow knight#hornet#herrah#white lady#vespa#sketchbook#my art#comic#<- in the vaguest sense of sequential art
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chatsu · 3 years
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˗ˋ there you are
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genre — angst, fluff (?) warning — mentions of death, grief words — 2,124
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notes — it is 3:07 am, and i don't want to come up with a synopsis so, i shan't <3 this is my first writing post,, so uhh, please give me criticism !
violet chrysanthemum — unbearable pain at the thought of losing a loved one white chrysanthemum — reserved for sympathy and remembrance lyra — a constellation, which you can read more about here !
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hugging his knees on the pavement, oikawa tooru couldn't help but overhear the faint chitter of loved ones greeting each other, serving as a reminder to why he was lamenting in the first place. a combination of heavy sobs and pleas of a miracle, he had grown used to, yet he still found the letters engraved on the cold stone in front of him almost foreign.
the anniversary of your death was fast approaching. caught in the fast lane of change, tooru has experienced almost every stage of grief. almost.
he remembers a shade of reddish brown framing your corpse. a metallic odour accompanied by tears burning every inch of his face, creating a sickly feeling in the back of his throat, which only multiplied as he released his frustration in the form of bargains.
' if only's ' and ' what if's ' his brittle voice had echoed — temporary truces, in which he begged and pleaded with every god and goddess known to the universe, in an attempt to negotiate his way out of this harsh reality.
from denial to anger, and from bargaining which soon melted into his current state of stark numbness in your absence. the past seemed more alive than the present.
stationed on the 4th, hazy reminders of a once living past seemed to obstruct his path of progression leading to the 5th and final phase of this grieving process that must inevitably follow. acceptance.
tooru is a competitive man. on the court, he is capable of adapting to new environments, examining their playing style, studying each and every player in a matter of seconds and having the ability to draw out their strengths — thus, blending into the team as if he was apart of the original line up.
yet, surrounded by this atmosphere of sorrow and anguish, he stuck out like a sore thumb. even after scrutinizing how others had dealt with this profound feeling of misery, their so called 'methods' were in vain, and he continued to suffer.
his fear of being second best, he now had no chance of overcoming. because as if in a race, tooru was exasperated, struggling to catch up with everyone else.
even the stars are lonely, but at least there were a multitude to keep company, and he couldn't help but envy them. your family, friends, hanamaki, matsukawa, hajime, even takeru had accepted the fact that you were gone, as they smiled fondly, memory sweet with you.
tooru could not remember the last time he smiled — a genuine one, that is. one that isn't plastered on when prompted with the constant ' how are you holding up? '. one that creeps up to his eyes to resemble a crescent moon. one with familiarity and love. one because of you.
the setting sun bathed everything in shades of lavender, painting the flowers propped beside your grave a colour he had wished they were. telling a tale of many consecutive days spent in this location, they bloomed brightly and never wilted away for they were regularly changed with a newer, hand picked bouquet. today, the flowers hadn't the ability to mock him, for today was different.
earlier, under what he thought were unfortunate circumstances, he was left stricken by the lack of purple petals accessible. left with no other choice, he let his fingers fumble along those coloured as snow instead. however, opting for these flowers proved to be difficult, as he realised he was breaking his routine.
because the shadow of the past still hung over, his fear of being second best soon morphed into a fear of change. a fear of everything changing. again, while he still had not adjusted to his scars wounded by time. it was nearing a year since tragedy struck. a year since that decisive moment of change.
but due to a sudden yet short lived act of bravery, tooru chose to cease sewing the seeds of habit, and as of right now, he found himself laying these flowers in their accustomed seat atop the gleaming stone. stems slightly compressed due to his secure grip, but petals remaining untouched. although both were chrysanthemums, the previous batches had been violet, and the current were white, simple as.
it is only when his nephew appears in his peripheral, he is snapped out of his trance, plastering a soft smile to veil his conflicting thoughts. hardly a word is spoken between them as takeru gently places an article of clothing on his lap, then is soon walking off.
leaving tooru with more questions than answers, his eyes shift downwards and widen at the sight of his old aoba johsai uniform folded ever so neatly. at an agonizingly slow pace, his slender fingers start to inspect every nook and cranny of the oversized — on you, not him — jersey. he holds it gingerly for this specific piece of fabric is a memory preserved.
and like a bridge to the past, tooru finds himself traversing along the nostalgic path, illuminated by memories time seemed to have dimmed.
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as if the past is burned into his psyche, he still remembers the day you ignored him, well at least tried to.
though your actions were deemed fruitless, as you soon dropped your facade when he eventually caught up to you while you were walking home. mentally cursing yourself for your futile attempts at avoiding him, you had confessed that you were not in fact jealous, but curious as to why there were so many girls wearing his exact jersey. there was an attempt to stifle a laugh, yet one look at the stubborn pout on your face was all it took for tooru to burst out laughing.
"what is so funny?" you had tilted your head with a slight scowl painting your features.
impatiently tapping your foot, you waited for a response, but from his hunched figure and the smack! when he brought his hand to his knee was confirmation that his fit of laughter wasn't going to die out any time soon.
"oikawa" you had puffed, and the use of his last name was enough to get his attention, as he flicked an invisible tear off his face.
dramatically, with his hand latched onto his hip to form his signature stance, his free arm stretched out and squeezed your shoulders.
"they're not mine" he chuckled with a shrug and a smile — smug, yet genuine.
"listen tooru, i'm not dumb. you're the team captain right? the number 1's on the back practically mocked me!"
"may i ask, how many were there?"
"you mean how many were wearing your uniform? hmm i don't know, maybe every single girl i saw cheering?"
"yeah, and do you really think i'd have that many jerseys to give away? iwa-chan would be kicking my ass if i was constantly getting new jerseys!"
moments of silence passed and you figured that he was right, but your stubborn demeanour wasn't going to admit defeat that easily.
"i suppose that it would cost a lot of money, which you don't have, seeing as i was the one who had to pay for lunch yesterday. plus, you uhh, still seem as small as you were in first year so i assume you wouldn't need a change in size"
feigning a gasp, he clutched his heart and claimed that it was his turn to ignore you. snickering in response, he cupped your face and peppered it with kisses until he spoke up again.
"you know, ordering uniforms are pretty common for fangirls. buuut, you don't have to spend a single dime 'cause there's only one i'd like you to wear"
digging into his bag whilst motioning you to lift your arms up, he pulled out his aoba johsai jersey. he quickly put it on you and stood back, admiring how the cloth adorned you — no, how you adorned the cloth. this went on for a while, him staring at you in pure adoration, until his face lit up and he went back to fumbling in his bag.
"here! to fully establish that this is for you and you only, a limited edition, aoba johsai uniform, signed by the oikawa tooru" he beamed, placing the top of a permanent marker in between his teeth and biting the lid off.
his left hand found purchase on your waist as the other was in the midst of signing the front and back of your shirt with his signature. tooru being, well, tooru, he began to embellish the entire fabric in little hearts with ' tooru + y/n 's in large lettering, until he was interrupted by your arms outstretching and pulling him in for a hug. deciding against sulking about not getting to finish his oh so lovely drawings, he instead chose to reciprocate and nuzzle into your neck, basking in your warmth.
from then on, it was an essential garment to your outfits. yes, you were reluctant as the bright turquoise colour certainly did not match with everything, but ' you can pull off anything ' is what tooru had claimed. some fashion advice coming from the mf who wore plaid shorts <3
unlike the rest of your clothes in the closet collecting dust, it remained hung up on the handle, ready for use. from matches to study dates which later transitioned into sleepovers, he always complimented your attire in different ways as if it was your first time wearing it.
braiding his chocolate coloured locks, he lay on top of you, the back of his head on your stomach as he made an effort to mirror the rhythm of your breathing with every rise and fall of your chest.
after a lack of commentary, you noticed that he was not staring off into space, but rather the glow in the dark stars you had stuck up on your ceiling. deciding to take advantage, you extended your arm to switch off the lamp adjacent your bed, and while the light faded, the stars gathered overhead.
"oh - hurry up tooru, look! it's a shooting star, make a wish" you gushed, having one eye shut while the other awaited his reaction.
"come on now, you know i didn't bring my glasses with me today, hmph"
"no no, how does that saying go — you don't have to be able to see it to believe it! you're the one always saying those cliche quotes all the time"
".. angel, i'm sorry but this is all just a yellow blur to me. i really can't see anything"
huffing at his habitual use of endearment, you wrapped your hand around his wrist and straightened out his index finger to guide it towards the ' shooting star ' that had not moved from the centre of your ceiling.
"better?"
"much"
letting out a satisfied hum, you both closed your eyes, your conversation, but not your minds as they wished upon the faithful glints of gold which magnified the tranquility of it all.
you eased your grip around his wrist but he took this as an opportunity to interlock his fingers with yours. and with the stars winking from a pitch black sky, your wishes combined, and the soft squeeze of your hands, it was a silent promise that you would always be with each other.
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perhaps it was the flower's slight change in hue which resulted in this caprice of fate, because for the first time, he finds himself recalling positive memories rather than remnants of your death.
and for the first time, tooru accepts. the unknown feeling envelops him, yet it does so with open arms, a welcoming smile, and no judgement.
the way he allows his tears dye the turquoise clothing a darker shade, he recognizes that he is no longer under the false pretence that all is well.
he need not question why the corners of his lips subliminally upturn, because as as he clutches this jersey, it's almost as if he is clutching you once more.
while the last stars still fleck the sky, he thanks those lucky stars, for it is you there with him, and he finds solace in your presence.
but this time, tooru isn't afraid to let go.
by no means does he intend to let go of you, no — never. but to let go of the affliction, pain, and instead have regard for the past in preparation for the future. in preparation for change.
and with his damp high school uniform, his smile that is heartful, and the lyra hanging heavy in the eastern sky, they all begin to coalesce into his former self.
the tooru who is not a genius. the tooru who underestimates his own strength, the tooru who overcomes adversity. the tooru, whom you are in love with.
and with the knowledge, and most importantly, acceptance, that you are no longer here with him physically,
oikawa tooru knows that wherever he goes, there you are.
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Since I'm in a Buffyverse mood: what are your rankings of the AtS and BtVS seasons from favourite to least favourite? :) Also, could you talk a little bit more about why you like AtS more than BtVS? I have an idea that the people who prefer AtS is because they like the character Angel more than Buffy, but I could be wrong though.
Yay! Thanks for sending this in, lovely, I always love discussing these topics with you :)
Wow, this is a tricky one to answer since I like all the seasons for different reasons, but from most to least favourite seasons it goes as follows (although they are subject to change):
1. ATS season 3
2. ATS season 2
3.  BTVS season 2
4.  ATS season 1
5. BTVS season 3
6.  ATS season 5
7. BTVS season 5
8. ATS season 4
9.  BTVS season 1
10.  BTVS season 4
11.  BTVS season 6
12. BTVS season 7
Damn, that was even harder than I thought it would be haha. I wasn’t sure if you wanted a little explanation for my ranking, but for now I’ll leave it as it is and you can let me know if you want to know why I’ve chosen this order :)
As for the reason I like ATS more than BTVS, it’s for a lot of reasons that go way beyond simply preferring Angel over Buffy (although that is a tiny part of the reason for me). @sulietsexual​ has actually already written a bloomin’ amazing meta explaining why she prefers ATS over BTVS, which you can read here. In that she really explains all my thoughts about this topic, so my own explanation might parrot some of what she says a little, but here we go.
On a basic level, I prefer ATS because I enjoy watching it more than BTVS. When I first watched BTVS I stopped watching after a few episodes because I really didn’t like it. A few months later I decided to give it another try, but I still didn’t enjoy it and didn’t really get into it until part way through season 2. With ATS, I fell in love with it from the very first episode (which could be because by the time I watched ATS I was already familiar with the Buffyverse whereas when I first watched BTVS, I was trying to adapt to an entirely new show, which I’m not very good at. Hence why I watch the same shows over and over again haha). I love the style of ATS visually, the opening theme is kick ass (I prefer it to BTVS, although both have kick ass opening themes which get you so pumped for the episode), the characters are great, the premise is interesting and the dynamics/relationships are fantastic. I do think that the age I watched the shows has also influenced my opinions. I didn’t grow up watching either show (unlike most BTVS fans who have watched it as a child), so I don’t have any nostalgic attachments which lead me to favour one over the other and I’ve experienced both shows as an adult. I watched BTVS when I was 19 and ATS at 24, so I think that definitely plays a part in why I prefer ATS. ATS just speaks to me in terms of the place where I am in my life right now and is very relatable to me in a lot of ways, which I’ll come back to again later.
The characters are most definitely a significant part of the reason I prefer ATS. Liking Angel more as a lead than Buffy is only a small part of that, because I love both characters. As you may know from reading my other metas, I’m a very character-orientated person and well-written, complex and lovable characters are what makes or breaks a show for me. ATS appeals to me so much because its characters are so damn good and the character arcs are compelling. Every character on ATS has amazing development, including the minor characters. This means, that even for characters that I don’t particularly like, I’m still able to enjoy them because of how well written they are. Faith, who is a fan favourite, has incredible episodes on ATS (some might argue even better than the ones she has on BTVS), which really take her character to new places and beautifully develop her redemption arc. Similarly, Spike has an incredible season on ATS which provides him with wonderful development. And Faith and Spike are two of many Buffyverse characters who have fantastic arcs on ATS (and in most cases better than what they had on ATS, particularly in the case of Cordelia and Wesley). Although I appreciate all of the characters on BTVS I don’t actively like them or enjoy their arcs as much as I do with the characters on ATS. I think that’s mostly because ATS does a better job at giving all of its characters focus and being consistent in their characterisation. Like, there’s honestly not a single character on ATS who isn’t fully developed. In comparison, BTVS is very, very Buffy-centric often at the detriment of the other characters. For example, Willow’s characterisation is very inconsistent, and characters like Tara and Oz have very flat characterisation, although they’re both very sweet and likeable.
I also find ATS a lot more emotionally effective than BTVS, in terms of the positive and negative emotions I experience whilst watching. Both shows explore very complex and emotional themes and issues, whilst injecting a decent amount of comedy in there too, but ATS hits the nail on the head a lot more for me in all these areas (likely because I’m more emotionally invested in the characters). Arcs like Darla’s in seasons 2 and 3, Wesley’s betrayal of Angel, Connor’s kidnapping (Connor’s entire arc, for that matter) and Fred’s death are so hard-hitting and heartbreaking. The emotion involved in the relationships between the characters also speaks to my heart much more than the relationships on BTVS. Both shows have great relationships, but the complexities of relationships like Angel and Darla, Angel and Connor, Wesley and Cordelia, Wesley, Cordy and Gunn (one of my favourite threesomes) etc. are all so beautifully developed and authentic.On the flip side, ATS is also funnier to me than BTVS. Once again, both shows have their witty one-liners and comedy gold moments, but ATS has funny moments in every single episode and actually makes me laugh out loud multiple times. The delivery and timing of the comedic moments perfectly weaves into the episodes, and the combination of personalities on ATS creates a very humorous atmosphere which perfectly off-sets the more serious tones of the show.
The final main reason I prefer ATS is because I enjoy the tone and themes of the show more. There’s the general assumption that ATS is more of an adult show than BTVS, and I don’t necessarily agree with that because although BTVS is set in a high school during the first three seasons, it explores very complex issues relating to adulthood, particularly in the later seasons. However, there is something about ATS that feels more mature than BTVS, if that’s even the right word? BTVS feels like it’s primarily about good overcoming evil, which although is a good theme, is very common and overdone in television. ATS, on the other hand, is about fighting for what you believe in no matter what and choosing to fight despite knowing the odds are stacked against you and that you might not win in the end. When you watch the finales of both shows you see these two core themes shining through brighter than ever, and they sit in contrast to one another. But that core theme of ATS appeals more to me because it’s more complex and it feels more human. In reality, there is no happily ever after, there’s never an end to the fight and it’s futile to go through life with a specific end goal in sight because when does it end? Where do we set that end goal? We shouldn’t live our lives seeking a particular reward for our hard work or efforts, because that’s hollow and not really what life is about. It’s easy for me to sit here now and think, “If I work really hard one day I can buy a house” and it’ll be a good motivator for me for a number of years, it’ll encourage me to keep working when I’m at my lowest ebb. But when I have that house what next? It might feel damn good for that first day when I have the keys in my hand and all the furniture is moved in, but life won’t have changed, I’m going to be the exact same person I was before I had that house and if my only goal and drive has been to get that house, what do I do now? What’s my purpose and drive now? Life means something different for everyone, but for me, it’s not about achieving a particular vision or end goal 5 or 10 or 20 years down the line, life is an ongoing experience and journey, where I need to fight in the face of adversity, always do my best, be humble and kind and understand that there is no reward at the ‘end’. There’s ongoing rewards and moments of joys dotted in between the bad days and low moods, and it’s about not letting those bad days/low moods define your entire life and getting stuck in them. I guess this comes back around to what I mentioned near the start, about how I personally relate to ATS on a deep level, because I find that core message inspirational and it’s given me an entirely new perspective on life, that I feel has benefited me a lot.
Phew! That got really deep for a minute there, sorry! But yeah, in a nutshell (a rather nutshell lmao) that’s why I prefer ATS over BTVS. Thanks for sending this in again, I love any excuse to discuss this stuff :)
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