I am greatful for my depression. If I hadn’t experienced such awful things in life then I would never know true happiness.
a bitch is almost 3 weeks sober tf
Why do I self-harm?
I first used a knife to cut my hands when I was about ten years old. Since then, it developed into an addiction. I have had periods of time when I have resisted the urge, but I’ve always come back to it.
Some people self-harm for attention, and we need to stop criticising those people for attention seeking because it is still a symptom of an illness. I, however, do not self-harm for attention. I will try to explain.
I self-harm because it feels like, when I have this deep depression and anxiety inside me, I need to let it out somehow. I need evidence that I’m suffering, and when I see it heal, it makes me feel better about myself. It makes me feel like I’m human, and capable of healing. It makes me feel Real.
Sometimes I will choose to cut myself out of anger - I need a release. Sometimes I hate myself and feel like I need punishing for my past behaviour. I often self-harm even if I’m feeling relatively okay; it can feel like something productive to do with my day, and it cheers me up - similar to how a drug addict might take substances to feel purposeful and alive. Other times, I will be in a state of despair, and feel I have no other option than to hurt myself on the outside to damage the person on the inside. My mental health is a chronic battle with my own mind; it is relentless.
I hate going to the hospital. Sometimes I will cut too deep, and I will suddenly realise that something needs to change. I will watch the blood pour out and feel comforted, but as soon as the comfortable feeling ends, I’ll feel guilty and ashamed. I will feel like I’m wasting nurses’ time, and often, they will tell me off for injuring myself when there are other patients who need seeing who didn’t choose to be there. I sit there quietly watching them stitch up my arms and hands, hoping they don’t grimace at the numerous grotesque scars riddled over my skin. I will tell them I’m fine now, only to go home and do it all again.
Sometimes, if I am on a night out, I will be leaning against the bar and someone will see my arm and ask ‘what happened to your arm?’. What do they expect me to say? I have an angry cat? I fell into a bush? I was attacked? I can hardly explain to the person that I’m completely out of my tree and cut myself every other day for a laugh. I can’t tell them I’m suffering. I can’t tell them how lonely my life is; even when surrounded by my family and friends.
It is a lonesome hobby. I have made promises to people before; saying, 'I’ll never do it again’. But of course that’s bullshit. Hurting myself repeatedly is one of my favourite pastimes. It’s one of the only things I’m good at. Despite how horrible my arms look, I see them in the corner of my eye and I admire myself. I feel like a canvas. I feel like my scars make me beautiful, but then other times I feel this deep shame and embarrassment when I meet somebody new and they inevitably see my scars. Some people choose to not bring it up, but I can see them staring with this worried look on their face. Some people say 'you don’t need to do that’, as if they know all the intricacies of my mind and they somehow know that my life isn’t THAT bad.
Cutting yourself feels like a sacred ritual. When I was younger, I would keep a multi-tool in a drawer with a small first aid kit, and when it came to the moment to get it all out, I would feel this rush. These days, I use a bread knife as it’s more effective. I have rarely tried to kill myself by cutting my wrists - anyone who has tried this method will know how difficult and long winded it is. If I do want to attempt suicide, I’ll stand for hours on a bridge; wishing I had the guts to jump. I’ll take 100 tablets. I’ll try to hang myself, only to change my mind at the last minute. It’s pathetic. I yearn for the day when I will no longer be here…
But for the moment, I’m content with my self-harm addiction. It’s a crippling but humbling habit. It reminds me that I’m not immortal; but will still heal given enough time. I sometimes think that maybe, once all my scars have faded, I will be reborn and suddenly be happy. I won’t feel like an empty shell.
I will be Real.
I won’t be alone much longer.
Much love, Samantha.
Lately I’ve really been slacking on my program. Today, I will give my recovery the time and attention it deserves in order to maintain my serenity.
Appreciating the little things in life means that you focus your attention on what nurtures and sustains you in life. On everything and anything that brings you even the smallest amount of pleasure. It also means practicing gratitude by noticing these everyday things that you may otherwise take for granted so easily.
Because we are going through so many major changes in active addiction and…
Because the truth always has been, and it always will be,
Love is nothing but pain and happiness is a lie,
I gave you my heart thinking I had yours my judgement must have lapsed,
I gave you my heart hoping you wouldn’t break it, but now I think I want it back.
I don’t really ever wanna go back to sleep,
Because in my mind if I don’t wake up then in the morning my beds not empty,
I was just trying to be everything I thought you wanted me to be,
Because in my mind if I was perfect then all those other girls you wouldn’t need.
I hope you know that all I ever wanted was to be loved by you,
So why couldn’t you just tell me you couldn’t love me the way I needed you to?
I will probably always have love for you,
But I had to make a choice today and for once think about myself too,
What hurts the most is that I know my choice hurt me more than it would ever hurt you.
Written by Kate Gentile
Been self harming now for like…. 14 years without a break so 🙃
Yes it’s an addiction
DON’T START if you have a choice
IF YOU HAVE STARTED, try as early and as often as possible to replace self destructive behaviors with ACTIVE SELF CARE - it fucking helps. You better believe adult me who has survived against my suicidal (paranoid, borderline personality disordered, depressed, anxious, nightmare disordered) brain for over a decade, finished school and has a job now and does good things like keep my apartment clean, eat healthy, exercising sometimes and having friends. I’m not a model human by all means but Do!!! Take! Care! Of! Yourself!
“There are no restrictions or barriers for preventing someone from becoming an addict to a technological device.”
#technology #addiction #addict #computers #tech #prevention #preventing #expresscomputer #asadonbrown #technological #device #educational #education
i think that it wld be useful to talk about internet and social media addiction and how some ppl r like……. seriously addicted to roleplay. like some of the shit i’ve seen on here in the last like…… 10 years??? rp can become an unhealthy coping mechanism for some and i don’t think people talk about the patterns that r detrimental to their mental health enough
Scrolling through my phone and these hazy half memories pop up, reminding me of the days upon days that have waved me goodbye, taking the rest of the memories that will forever elude me. The goal always death, wanting to feel nothing, detached from everything. Blotting out my authentic self in a slow yet fast, horrendous yet beautiful, chaotic kind of way. The fall by self destruction is proving to be where the beauty lies. I can’t promise it’ll be pretty or look a certain way, but I can promise to handle myself with grace and patience. Reminding myself I deserve this because I am worthy.I am worthy of whole memories and days upon days of being present.