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me, a week ago: No idea how I’m going to write this chapter. I’m just not geared for this type of stuff. I have no interest in gambling or cheating my fellow man, or even the focus or ambition to care about trying to make back losses, this is just so out of my wheelhouse, how am I going to make this feel authentic

me, now: okay, so, the games they’re playing don’t have rakes yet, there are no whales among the enlisted men for sure, and the Continental Army is broke so there’s no bankroll for a backer to stake a horse consistently. But you might be able to comp a few players with smuggled goods, or stake them with those goods, but that could get really seedy if they end up in deep in make up and I don’t know if that’s the tone I want, like, I’m just trying to increase the time on device, I’m not worried about the handle. Like, my pit boss is, but I, the author, am not

also me: and I still don’t understand the difference between the handle and the drop

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This is my stupid fucking boyfriend. Who most of u know, is an emotionally abusive toxic man. But corona has changed my plans of finally getting away and I just feel like this an example of why I realize now that we arent mean to be and I do need to get my life back again. He’s a white/Asian mix and he really truly doesn’t know what not right about this. But he’s been dating a black woman (ME) for THREE YEARS. So you’d think he’d be sympathetic to the cause. But no, we are starting to see our white friends “true colors” after all this. This is why we need awareness. This is why we need to heard.

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I’m going to get clean once and for all. Fuck this shit. Might have to take off out of here to get some clean time under my belt but it’s time to fight for it. No exceptions aside from marijuana of course because nobody gonna like me THAT sober that quick lmao that’s dangerous

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