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valeriefauxnom · 10 months

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Euden and Power - An Analysis

One thing that was rather interesting to me when I first realized it is Euden's interesting...relationship? with the concept of power. I'm probably yelling to the wind with this but I personally try keep these things in mind when writing him and maybe it might be interesting to someone else. Warning: very long post ahead!

So Euden, from the very start, is not exactly power-hungry. In fact, he's perfectly content staying in the capital, not forming a pact to avoid potentially causing discord in his family if they now view him as a threat. He dearly doesn't want to be a threat. He just wants to be with his family, and serve/protect his country/family in his own way, without needing much power beyond what he has as a prince.

Here's one of the relationship charts they made for advertising at the beginning of the game:

I think it's also notable that he was able to perfectly pull this goal off in the beginning. Leonidas has given up on all siblings of his after Valyx, viewing them weak and unworthy of his attention. Phares thinks him talented, which while Phares never clarifies exactly what aspect he thinks Euden talented in, isn't exactly something like 'views as a threat'. (But I will give credit to Phares, in all of his touted wisdom and insight, still is able to identify his youngest brother as having talent in anything, given some of the others). Chelle certainly seems to love to tease him, and certainly isn't very feeling threatened since she plays him (+everone) like a fiddle. Valyx 'thinks him feeble', obviously not scared, more likely viewing him at best in the 'weak sibling that needs protection from his stronger siblings' category.

Jumping to Emile, who views Euden as lesser in every way, and is growing angrier that Euden is 'taking beyond his station' by being loved in any capacity or trusted with important things. His anger is borne out of strong feelings of Euden's inferiority, because that is how Euden has set himself up in his family and 'confirmed' it to Emile: that the others are better, wiser, stronger, and he's not going to challenge that and risk their ire. So when he does move out of that comfort zone when Aurelius tells him to reclaim the shard and form a pact, everything is shaken up.

Euden's suddenly been thrust into needing to seek power to accomplish what he wants- one dragon, two, - five Greatwyrms, who knows how many other dragons and drakes, then he's setting up his own kingdom. Not for himself, but for others: for his citizens who are suffering under the reborn Empire's rule, and for his Father and later Zethia (since Euden seems to be of the opinion that Morsayati!Aurelius isn't his father's body or soul at all, likely indicating some thought of 'somebody's captured and impersonating Father, I'll need to rescue him'). He wants power now, but not for itself or himself, only for others. It's a means to an end.

We also see this in the lackadaisical way he runs his castle. We all joke about the daily chaos at the Halidom, but it's also a reflection on Euden's stewardship as lord. He really doesn't like being in positions of authority when possible, and so generally chooses to express the least amount of power he can to not be or come across as someone better or more important. He only acts as lord when needed to protect his country, friends, or other important things, largely trusting in his friends to govern and guide themselves without a strict rule.

But anyways. Back to canon. Well, and events. And oh boy, 1st anniversary brought a lot of material for me to talk about here. First, of course, there's Gala Euden, whose entire adventurer story shtick is him struggling with the problems excessive power brings because it causes others to fear him and grow apart from him. That is a very important concept regarding Euden in another way (his hyperfocus on other people instead of himself) but I digress. That's a rant for another day.

In the end, Euden resolves himself to continue to gain power, even in the face of 'eternally crushing loneliness' this power will bring, much the same as Alberius before him. His friends rescue him and try to remind him that they'll be there with him, sure, but his actual resolve on this notion...doesn't actually change much. If it is needed, he'll do it, even if he strongly prefers and needs his friends with him.

Then came Fractured Futures, an event that starts from Chronos preying on the fact that Euden just woke up from yet another nightmare and lamenting his lack of power back then to manipulate him into time traveling for his secret true liege. As such, Euden is largely alone with Chronos for this event, save for Audric. And right as Chronos reveals his true colors and is in the process of killing a Zethia, he curses at himself in a much stronger critique than he'd ever likely throw at anyone else. I quote: "Dammit, you stupid body! Move! MOVE!"

...His powerlessness has struck again, causing a Zethia to die before his eyes. And in his mind, he's no one to blame but himself and his own weakness. And so, he resolves to get stronger. Not because he wants it, or for personal gain and satisfaction, but for others.

He loathes it. Or rather, the need of it for his desires. From it, he's antagonized most his siblings now turning on him as a threat in war or a threat to their own self-perception in Emile's case. But still, he proceeds.

Thus forms the twisted relationship he has with it: he needs it, seeks it out, but dislikes some of what it has brought to him. But he's going to do his best not to let anyone know about these struggles, because Euden is Euden and Euden is hard set on not burdening anyone with his 'weakness'. It's noted several times how he's always trying to do too much on his own, and shown in others, like Gala Sarisse's story where he outright collapses from overwork.

He's trying to do everything on his own power, and will struggle by himself until he burns out and can physically do no more. Things change, though, when Bondforged Euden arrived.

By now, Euden has been forced to accept that he is not Atlas (the mythological one, not the -metheus' brother!) and does, in fact, need his friends. Chapter 23 alone further stresses this when he again tries to take on too much too soon and needs put in place by his siblings. And then the world can 'reward' that acknowledgement in the form of more power.

It's kinda an interesting give and take in the larger narrative. Euden trying to do things on his own are generally discouraged/'punished', and relying on his friends or trusting in them is rewarded. Even the very beginning, he tried to set out alone without Zethia or Notte as not to endanger them, but quickly finds himself in need. Zethia rescues him, he acknowledges that he was a bit overconfident, and then things start going smoother.

All in all, I know this is probably getting way too rambling, but at its core, Dragalia has yet another message aside from family and loving yourself and all the other overarching themes of destiny, etc: "You shouldn't try to do everything yourself. Working together with others makes you more powerful, not weak. Needing others' support isn't weakness."

There's a lot more I could say and add about it, but I think it's one of the cooler subtler threads to Euden that easily can go overlooked in the larger identity crisis and all that. So yeah, I think Euden struggles a lot with the need of power he has/the results thereof, and when he finally accepts that he will never be able to 'hold up the entire world without burdening anyone else', that's when he's strongest.

Hope you enjoyed this sprawling mass of text, and hopefully all the images and stuff are clear!

#dragalia lost #dragalia #character analysis

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allycryz · 2 months

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Back on my Strahd hyperfocus planning for a possible campaign this summer and am once again annoyed at Tracy Hickman's foreword to CoS 5e.

I'm going to paste it below in full under the cut so no one can say I'm taking it out of context, but I will bold the parts I find especially annoying:

----

We turned the corner, and there was a vampire.

I groaned and rolled my eyes.

It was 1978, and I was playing in one of my first dungeon adventures. It was being run by a friend I had known in high school, John Scott Clegg, and it was typical of the type of adventure that people played in those days. It was all about exploring a hodgepodge collection of rooms connected by dungeon corridors, beating up the monsters that we encountered, searching for treasure, and gaining experience points.

Now we were face to face with random encounter number thirty-four: a vampire. Not a Vampire with a capital V, but a so-many-Hit-Dice-with-such-and-such-an-Armor-Class lowercase vampire. Just another monster in the dungeon.

I remember thinking at the time, What are you doing here? This creature seemed completely out of place with the kobolds, orcs, and gelatinous cubes we had seen thus far. This was a creature who deserved his own setting and to be so much more than just a wandering monster. When I came home from that game, I told all these thoughts to Laura.

That was when Strahd von Zarovich was born.

Strahd would be no afterthought—he demanded his own setting, his own tragic history. Laura and I launched into researching the mythology and folklore surrounding the vampire. We started with the vague, black-and-white image of Bela Lugosi in 1931, but found so much more.

The first "modern" literary foundation of the vampire was penned by John William Polidori based on a fragment of a story by Lord Byron. It was while at the Villa Diodati—a rented house next to Lake Geneva, Switzerland—that Byron and Polidori met Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin and her husband-to-be, Percy Shelley. One night in June, Byron suggested that they each write a ghost story. Mary Shelley's contribution to the effort would later become Frankenstein. The short story "The Vampyre," published in 1819, was Polidori's contribution. He was Byron's personal physician, and the first of the so-called "romantic" vampires under Polidori's hand was actually modeled after Lord Byron.

Byron—like the fictional vampires that he inspired, from Polidori's Lord Ruthven down through the penultimate work of Bram Stoker—was a decadent predator, an abuser hidden behind a romantic veil. He was a comely and alluring monster—but a monster nevertheless. The romantic vampire of the earliest years of the genre was not just a spouse abuser but a spouse killer, the archetype of abuse in the worst kind of destructive codependency.

For Laura and me, those were the elements that truly defined Strahd von Zarovich—a selfish beast forever lurking behind a mask of tragic romance, the illusion of redemption that was ever only camouflage for his prey.

Initially we were going to title the adventure Vampyr—one of a series of games we called Nightventure that Laura and I were self-publishing back in 1978. The castle was called Ravenloft, and when Halloween came around each year, our friends asked us if we could play "that Ravenloft game" again... and so the better title won out. It was, in part, because of this design that I was hired by TSR, Inc., to write Dungeons & Dragons adventures in 1982. Soon thereafter, I6 Ravenloft was published.

Since then, fans of Ravenloft have seen many different creative perspectives on Barovia (a country which, by absolute coincidence, is featured in a 1947 Bob Hope movie called Where There's Life). It continues to be one of the most popular Dungeons & Dragons adventures of all time. In its various incarnations, each designer has endeavored to bring something new to the ancient legend of Strahd, and to each of them we are grateful.

But the vampire genre has taken a turn from its roots in recent years. The vampire we so often see today exemplifies the polar opposite of the original archetype: the lie that it's okay to enter into a romance with an abusive monster because if you love it enough, it will change.

When Laura and I got a call from Christopher Perkins about revisiting Ravenloft, we hoped we could bring the message of the vampire folktale back to its original cautionary roots. The talented team at Wizards of the Coast not only graciously took our suggestions but engaged us in a dialogue that delivered new insights on the nightmare beyond the gates of Barovia.

Now we invite you again as our guests to pass through the Svalich Woods if you dare. For here the romance is tragically dangerous... and a true monster smiles at your approach.

----

It's just so

Patronizing

It would be an entirely different post to talk about the meaning of the vampire figure in folklore and literature and what it represents; because you cannot pin it to simply one meaning. Vampiric folklore can speak of fears of disease and death and plague, Dracula can represent xenophobia AND classism AND sexuality, Polidori's Lord Ruthven can be a high society predator AND an emblem of repressed queerness

But even if Tracy was correct that the vampire has one specific meaning...so what? Why can people not subvert and change the stock characters of fiction? Is there really a problem if Interview with a Vampire turned tropes on their heads? I'm no fan of Twilight but its sin is absolutely not "it made Vampires hot and romantic"

This is especially galling because when you release a ttrpg story or system out into the world, it's going to be changed at every table. For every group that runs a module as is, there are dozens making it their own.

I do think Strahd as written, as a monster who cannot recognize his faults is fascinating. I also think there are a lot of possibilities to mine if you have a table who likes romance and intrigue. My most frequent table plays a lot of Good Society and they get very excited when similar options show up in other systems.

And, honestly, at the end of the day Tracy just sounds like every guy whining that they made vampires sparkly and those aren't reaaalll vampires and every internet user handwringing over oh no there are people who find villains hot

#curse of strahd

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mdhwrites · 3 months

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Do you think you're kind of a hard to please person? Considering you don't think highly of Owl House, Regular Show, Steven Universe, MLP Friendship is Magic season 4 onward, Gravity Falls, Helluva Boss, and Kim Possible as much as other people do, that does give the impression you're hard to please.

It's not an unfair assessment. The thing is that I definitely am a bit harder to please but I think the bigger issue is that I'm hard to hook. It's hard to make me bother continuing with a show and I can lose interest if it stops matching what I want from it or I'm just not interested in the direction it's going. My Hero Academia S3 was that where I still thought the show was definitely good but the promise of more villains and focusing on them more just had me go "I'm good" because I found them the least interesting part of the show. I liked the Academia more. (Helluva Boss is in here though from the sounds of it... I mean, that's a divisive show for a reason. Also, for anyone curious: I don't have Amazon Prime so I'm not going to hunt down Hazbin right now.)

A LOOOOOT more shows sit in that category than in me actively disliking them. Steven Universe and Gravity Falls are both shows I can absolutely see the possibility in but just don't want to bother watching myself (throw Adventure Time in that pile, though I've liked everything I've seen of it.) Regular Show is also in a place for episodic stuff where I'd never go out of my way to watch it but never complain seeing it as while it's not for me, I actually do think it's good. It's honestly probably one of the best versions of its sort of show out there. It's just not for me. Also Kim Possible could be better than the pilot makes me think and I still think fondly of it, I just didn't decide to commit to a rewatch when I tried (which I could easily see with Danny Phantom too.)

A large part of this is admittedly the problem I've talked about before: I struggle to turn off my brain with scripted content. I really struggle to watch scripted stuff as background noise because I want to take it in properly. Enjoy the craft. I have streams and the like that I enjoy if I just want background noise. That is going to mean that keeping me takes more interest. It's a quirk of how I consume media. *shrug*

But that's also because my brain is always on when watching something. Even with something like Craig of the Creek, I am still evaluating how it's doing things. Mind you, I think that show is amazing because it captures its tone and energy PERFECTLY but even then... I'm still struggling to watch beyond S1 because my brain isn't hooking on it.

My brain doesn't hook on a lot of stuff. Not easily. It's actually really frustrating. So many can move between hyperfixations but it took me like half a decade after I stopped watching MLP to find TOH and I didn't have a hyperfocus between those two. Nothing grabbed me hard enough. The closest were writing sprints when my own idea grabbed me enough and demanded I write.

And I've been trying! Wednesday and My Adventures with Superman were ones I really hoped to have gotten lost in and just... Didn't. Admittedly, Wednesday is just bad mostly. Couldn't tell you as well with MAWS since I mostly have a pacing issue with that one but otherwise really enjoy it.

I'm not impossible to please but also... I don't know what to tell you for how to make my brain happy. That's why I mostly try to be numb against my depression. Keep my brain off because I don't know what it'll do if I wake it up. Almost like there's a reason I don't watch a lot of stuff. *siiiiiiiigh*

#Rambles #Sad #sorry for the vent

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ferromagnetiic · 4 months

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Holiday Special Candle Service! °❆⛄⋆.ೃ࿔🦌*:･❄️(SINCE KID GAVE MR 3 HIS XMAS GIFT HERE URS AS WELL)

Covered in oil and grease, Galdino pulls himself from under the boat’s engine. His glasses aren’t needed for the wax coating he’s been doing. So his gold frames are kept in pristine state over the table, the same that has a blueprint spread over. A magnifically designed machine; as he clearly consults it to check which next step he would be taking.

Only him and his captain remained there as it seems both had taken the effort into their hyperfocus for the week. That was a great opportunity.

“ Mr Eustass. ” Galdino raises a hand. “ Remember your missing goggles that you were searching for last week, ga ne. The thing is… I stole—BUT WAIT GA NE WAIT GA NE LET ME EXPLAIN ” “ —YAAAAAAAA LET ME EXPLAIN! You see! That must have accompanied you many adventures and the sweat and seawater had taken a toll on the leather. The golden pins were dusty, the frames were held by a threat! ” He raises a well adorned box, opening it already while trembling and showing his gift. “ I changed the leather and polished the golden parts and changed the lenses for ones with armored glass. As the treasurer of this ship it's my duty to use our funds to keep everything pristine! Worthy of the future pirate king, ga ne '' Sweating, but keeping up with a nervous smile. He offered the gift to him. “ Me—Merry Christmas! Mr Eustass! I.. I promise I will ask permission next time. It just… I wanted it to be a surpriseeee. ”

【 UNPROMPTED ASK. 】 « A Christmas gift. » @waxgentleman

Growing up in an environment in which theft was a daily concern had a permanent effect on Kid's relationship with his material possessions. In his past, there was a constant threat of being the victim of thievery — returning to his shack or home base at the end of the day only to find it completely ransacked and looted of all his collected goods was a scene he experienced far too frequently. As a result, he actively tried, to an extent, to disconnect himself to the things he owned. He built what he had out of trash and recycled garbage, as it would inevitably break, be destroyed, or it would be stolen. Nothing lasted forever on that cursed island. He could not afford to be sentimental towards something that could so easily be taken from him.

Things began to change when he finally sailed from those treacherous waters. Though he continued to make things from scrap, he also learned to appreciate the thrill of being able to acquire expensive and luxurious goods, and keep them for himself. No longer quite so afraid of having his belongings stolen, he couldn't help but be occasionally drawn to grandeur; to items which were worth more than he ever could have fathomed in his youth. He was a pirate, after all; it was inevitable he would become partial to some of the things he owned, even if he didn't intend for it to happen.

The goggles in question, however, were not considered a rarity in terms of monetary value. They would not fetch a considerable price if presented to any dealer of lavish and extravagant goods. They had been a present when he was a teenager, gifted to him just a few years before he finally acquired his title as a Captain. They weren't new when he received them; found in a trash heap somewhere, already slightly tattered and worn to begin with.

She could have traded them. She could have traded them and somebody would have offered her enough food for a few days in exchange, even in their subpar condition. But she hadn't. She had kept them for him, despite being hungry, despite being exhausted from stifling through mounds of junk for hours in the hunt for something that could be bartered for a filling meal. She had kept them for him, because New Year's Day had just passed less than a week before, and she knew he would like them as a special Birthday gift. They were one of the lasts gifts Victoria could afford to give to him before her death.

Eustass Kid did not enjoy feeling sentimentality towards his worldly possessions when it would be so easy for them to be destroyed, or stolen, or for their potential damage to used against him as a threat. But all the same, he couldn't help feeling something for a specific few. Victoria had found them for him, and they inevitably became his favorite pair of goggles. The glass in the eye pieces had become frosted over time and he could barely see out of them, but he still wore them over his head all the same, because replacing them would feel like putting something to rest when it was his duty to keep it alive and warm.

When he believed he had lost them, he had tried not to reveal his upset to nakama. He had searched relentlessly; every area of the Victoria Punk he was inclined to visit, he had militantly paced around in an attempt of catching a glimpse of blue-tinted glass under the glow of candle flame. Though his efforts were fruitless, he did not wish to request any aid in looking for them, and have them privy to his disappointment should they fail to appear. There was nowhere they would look that he had not already searched, after all. All it would serve to do was inform them that he was despondent they were missing. The only choice he had was to accept that they were temporarily absent, and hold on to the belief that they had not gone far and would eventually be returned to him. They had to be on the ship; he could distinctly recall wearing them the night before their mysterious disappearance. They were misplaced, he assured himself, but that was not the same as them being completely irretrievable.

Perhaps he should have suspected Galdino sooner; he was likely the only one ballsy enough to try a stunt like swiping something from his own Captain. Eustass Kid was not at all partial to things being kept secret from him, nor was he a fan of any surprises that put him in a temporary state of distress — something that his crew members were perfectly aware of, and generally respected.

He holds the newly returned goggles in his right hand, allowing the skin of his thumb to trace the texture of the fresh, clean leather. He presses down on the rivets adorning the strap, causing a small, circular indent in his thumb pad. In a way that is comparable to a child who anxiously tests the quality of a security blanket after it has been washed to make sure it is still the same, he has to make sure nothing has been changed in a way that doesn't resonate with him.

The repair job is excellent. Each little piece has been meticulously cleaned of grime and rust, with only the completely deteriorated parts needing to be replaced. It's clear Galdino has dedicated a significant amount of time and effort towards keeping the goggles as pristine as possible.

After a long silence, Kid completes his inspection, and draws the item to his forehead, returning it to its usual position. There is a flooding sense of relief to have it back, though he will not out himself to Galdino by confessing this. Instead, he nods at him, a silent sign of approval, of his gratitude.

Kid is a man of few words. He cannot verbalize his appreciation directly, even though it sits just below his ribcage. He is soothed by the awareness that not only are they safely returned, but now he no longer has to fear the prospect of them falling apart in his hands due to being weakened by repetitive wear.

Finally, he speaks; collected, while the wax artist nervously whimpers his fretful apology.

❝ Galdino, ❞ Perhaps this is the first time he has addressed him by his name rather than his notably condescending nickname, yet the word moves from his painted lips as if it were commonplace. ❝ Consider this yer promotion. Yer being appointed as my new errand boy. Ya can let Bubblegum know yer gonna be takin' over from him from now on. Yer bein' wasted on just managin' the gold and that. Think ye'd do better handlin' all the jobs that I don't trust anybody else doin'. ❞

A broad hand is placed directly on top of the other man's shoulder, then. Not the shoulder that he had somehow injured fairly recently, of course; the shoulder that still remains unbroken. Kid's grip tightens in a signal of companionship.

He smiles, then; his copper eyes glinting to reflect his expression of rare conviviality.

❝ Think we're gonna be spendin' a lot more time together from now on, aye? ❞

#waxgentleman #【 ⚙ ˊˎ | GET OUT OF MY WAY | ask. 】#【 ⚙ ˊˎ | RECKLESS TONGUE | ic. 】#// i've been planning this one for days haha;;;;#// merry christmas galdino! you're kid's little helper now!#// that means you have to do all the running around for him and fetch him anything he asks for!#// because he trusts you!!! so you have to do whatever little jobs he asks you to do (:#// oh also he isn't firing you from being treasurer. you have to do both.#// also bubblegum is going to absolutely hate you to the end of time now! and might try to kill you idk #// congrats on the promotion!!#// pops party popper.

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adhderps · 7 months

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Welcome to my ADHD Derps, where we explore the delightful chaos of daily life with ADHD! Buckle up, because in this zany adventure, we'll tackle everyday struggles with a sprinkle of humor and a dash of light-heartedness. Get ready to laugh, relate, and embrace the quirks that make every day an unpredictable ride!

Ever spent hours searching for your keys only to realize they were in your hand all along? Yep, that's an ADHD special! It's like a daily treasure hunt, and we're all champions in the forgetfulness Olympics. Who needs a gym when you can jog back and forth looking for your phone?

Let’s not forget the evil twin sister of forgetfulness!

Hyperfocus – the magical ability to get lost in a task for hours. It’s like having a superpower, but with a catch. Ever emerged from a YouTube binge wondering where your day went? Congratulations, you've just time-traveled into the future!

Notes, Notes Everywhere:

Sticky notes, phone notes, notebook notes – ADHD folks are the unsung heroes of the stationery world. We could rival any paper company with our sheer volume of notes. If only our focus was as adhesive as our stickies!

Next we have Mastering the Art of Simultaneous Forgetfulness and Remembrance:**

Forgot your best friend’s birthday but remembered a random fact from a documentary you saw ten years ago? Welcome to the rollercoaster of ADHD memory! We might forget where we put our shoes, but ask us about obscure trivia, and we're your walking, talking search engine.

Time: The Slippery Concept:**

Time management? That’s cute. ADHDers have their unique time zones – like “Nowish,” “In a bit,” and “Uh-oh, I’m late.” Who needs the rigidity of a clock when you can experience the fluidity of ADHD time?

In this series of ADHD derps, we celebrate the quirks, challenges, and endless entertainment that come with ADHD. Life might be a bit like juggling flamingos, but hey, at least we never have a dull moment! So, fellow ADHDers, let’s embrace the ride, laugh at the chaos, and remember: we're not late; we're just chronologically challenged. Until next time, keep calm, stay fabulous, and let the ADHD adventures continue! 🚀

#adhd #mental health #quirks #adhd issues

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baltears · 2 years

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it is so painful to spend weeks and weeks doing nothing and feeling horrible about it and then finally get back to work only to realize that you still have to go at weenie speed and cannot make up for all that by brilliantly completing all your projects in a single day. lol

#i want so. bad. to just hyperfocus on my work and finish everything and then be able to go to my client like 'oh im done :) next thing pls'#i want so bad to be able to Not Be Disappointing #adventures in the workplace while existing as a people pleaser continue :|

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doctenwho · 3 years

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Talk Me Down

Oof, not me disappearing for like a two months. I’m so sorry! I have the attention span of a goldfish and I’ve been fandom hopping. I sadly hyperfocus in and out, and then I’m back (currently stuck on Prodigal Son again, if anyone’s interested!). D: Still working on the prompts in waiting, if I haven’t gotten around to yours yet!

Anywho! Thank you so much for the prompt! It was a lot of fun to work on, and I’m sorry it took so long! Hopefully this was what you were looking for, I thought it was pretty fluffy!

Warnings: Panic/ Anxiety attacks, light angst

Word Count: 2,731 (Sorry it’s a bit short!)

Summary: Read the prompt above!

(Gif is not mine! All credit goes to the creator! :D)

You hated when you and the Doctor would get separated. It always filled you with a sense of dread. You knew he didn’t mean it—he'd never try to intentionally hurt you, but the two of you always somehow broke apart.

It wasn’t as bad when you were on earth—defeating whichever alien decided that earth and humanity was an easy target—but in space, when the Doctor would get carried away and leave you to fend for yourself like he tended to do with companions, you always felt like you were suffocating whenever he did that.

You loved travelling with him, and you were confident in your ability to fend for yourself, but you were just filled with a sinking feeling of doubt whenever he’d leave you alone on a planet you didn’t know.

Today was no different than any other day.

Then any other adventure.

You couldn’t for the life of you remember which planet the Doctor had been raving about when he’d landed the TARDIS. You’d followed along like you always did, excited for the adventure, but with that small inkling of doubt in the back of your mind.

He’d taken your hand with a wide smile and led you along. He talked your ear off, telling you of the planet’s history, the inhabitants. His personal favorites about the planet. You liked listening to him, listening to him ramble and gesture enthusiastically about what interested him.

And then you were running.

You were starting to think that there wasn’t a place in the universe where the Doctor wasn’t at least one person’s target. Where he hadn’t accidentally wronged someone.

He’d dragged you along by your hand before you’d come to a fork in the road. He’d looked both directions calculatingly, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth before chancing a glance back at you. Then, his eyes seemed to go through you and to whomever happened to be chasing you, which seemed to make some sort of decision for him if the way his eyes hardened was anything to go off.

His hand broke away from yours, and then he was giving you the slightest push towards one side of the fork with flustered order of “Go!” falling from his lips as he turned hurriedly and shot down the other road.

Your feet moved on autopilot as you sprinted down the path he’d directed you towards, instantly missing the warmth and comfort of the Doctor’s hand in your own. You weren’t sure how long you continued down the road. How long you ran—how far you got.

You were sure no one was chasing you. You couldn’t hear any other sounds besides your own feet pounding along the gravel, and you heart thrumming in your chest in both exertion and anxiety.

They wanted the Doctor, not you. Whatever it was the man had done to wrong these people, it had been long before you’d started travelling with him. Long before you’d even met the man.

That still didn’t stop the clawing worry in your stomach. Was the Doctor okay? Would he come find you? Would he find you?

What if he wasn’t okay? What if you’d be stranded here forever? Not only did you not think you’d ever be able to make it back to the TARDIS, but there was absolutely no way you’d be able to get her to fly even if you did somehow make it back.

You weren’t a Timelord. The TARDIS wouldn’t fly for you, even if you tried.

You’d be stranded here.

Somewhere deep in the back of your mind a tiny voice was whispering to trust the Doctor. He hadn’t gotten the two of you into any serious danger yet. He took care of you, and you’d never been injured beyond bruises and scrapes. He always came for you. Always found you and swept you back into the TARDIS and far away from the threat.

He’d always taken care of you--

But the larger, louder calling in your head shouted your fears. He wouldn’t find you. He was dead. They’d captured him. You were alone. Alone on a planet you didn’t even know the name of. You’d never see the Doctor again. You’d never see your friends and family, or planet again.

You were stranded.

Your movements slowed, and before you could fight to keep yourself up, your knees buckled under you. You fell to the dirty road below; your knees and hands scraping on the gravel.

You were stuck here. On this strange planet. Without the Doctor.

Alone.

You crawled to the side of the road, hiding yourself the best you could manage in a bush of some sort. It dug uncomfortably into your body, but you couldn’t be bothered. What did it matter?

A gaspy cry fell from you lips as you coiled in on yourself, pulling your knees to your chest as you buried your face in the fabric of your pants. It was a sinking feeling of loneliness—fear of the unknown environment.

You could barely force in any air. It felt like you were dying. This was it. You were going to die of lack of oxygen—which was weird considering the Doctor had told you this planet had the same atmosphere as earth. There was plenty of oxygen, but you couldn’t manage to suck any in.

You struggled for each gasp of air you got.

Your head was an uncomfortable mix of lightheadedness and pounding headache, and you were sure you were crying. Tears slipping down your cheeks as your thoughts consumed you. The bigger, louder voice washing over the tiny pleading one like a title wave.

How were you going to make it out of this? How would you survive this strange alien planet without the Doctor by your side? Your fingers subconsciously dug into your forearms where they were wrapped around your legs, holding your knees snug against you.

“(Y/N)!” You heard, but it sounded far away. Far away and drown out. Why did it feel like you were underwater? You struggled to suck in another breath as a foreign touch settled on your hand, curling to just slightly grip around yours, “you need to take a breath, c’mon, deep in...”

You tried to steady your thoughts, taking a stuttery intake of air like the voice suggested, and it was quick to cool your lungs down. That suffocating feeling eased the slightest amount. The soft voice talking you through this was steadying you—anchoring you back, “good, good, my dear, now out? You’re doing perfect.”

It took a second before you let yourself blow out the air in your lungs, “perfect,” the voice told you, soft and comforting, “very good, another one? Nice and slow, alright? Breath with me, in and out.”

You sucked in another breath, waited for the hand around yours to tighten just the slightest before blowing that breath out too. Now that you could breathe through the mist of anxiety, you were desperate to pull in more air. You weren’t sure how long you’d been lost—unsure how long you’d gone without a decent breath.

“Good,” the voice whispered lowly as a second hand settled on your forearm, thumb rubbing softly along your arm, “you’re doing brilliantly, (Y/N). Come back to me now, alright?”

You weren’t sure where you’d gone, but you’d try for the voice.

You forced your eyes open, unsure when you’d really shut them. You couldn’t remember squeezing them shut, but it was almost a relief when you let your face relax. You continued with the deep breaths, replaying the words that had been spoken to you in your head—in and out.

Before you, dropped in a panicked kneel, was the Doctor. He looked out of breath, and frantic. Worried eyes searching your face for... you weren’t sure what he was looking so intently for. The worry didn’t look quite right on the usually so confident and narcissistic man.

It was definitely the Doctor though.

“Doctor?” you wheezed out, uncoiling just enough to settle a hand on his chest to test if he was real or not. You hand flattened against him, and then one of his hands was pulling away from you to settle over top of your hand.

“I’m here,” he promised, “I’m so sorry, (Y/N). I’m here now. You’re alright.”

You let yourself fall forwards into him with the confirmation that it was him. That the Doctor was real before you. Alive. Here. You weren’t stranded. You weren’t alone anymore. A rush of that suffocating separation anxiety flowed out with your next heaving breath.

You buried your face in his suit jacket as his arms wrapped tightly around you, “keep breathing, love, alright? Deep breaths for me.”

It was easier to suck in the breaths with the Doctor in close proximity. Even if it really should be harder to get any air through his clothes. You managed to wrap your arms around him too, holding him close.

The two of you were at an awkward angle, the Doctor still on his knees in front of you, and you in an awkward mess of desperate limbs. Neither of you seemed to mind the odd position much. The longer you sat, the stiffer you got, but it was the furthest thing from your mind.

“You’re doing so good,” the Doctor whispered into your hair, “I’m sorry. So, so sorry.”

“You’re okay,” you whimpered out against his jacket.

“I am,” the Doctor agreed tenderly, “it was a misunderstanding. I’m okay, and you’re okay. We’re both okay, alright? Deep breaths.”

You just curled yourself in closer to him, afraid that you’d lose him if you let go. Your thoughts still ran rampant in your head, anxious and panicked, but the longer you forced in breaths, and sat in the Doctor’s arms with his hands trailing along your back and petting down your hair, the more everything eased away.

The Doctor didn’t say much else as you slowly calmed down in his arms. With your breaths finally starting to even out, he didn’t keep reminding you. But whenever you slowed, or swallowed a shallow intake, he’d calmly remind you again.

You didn’t know how long the two of you sat there on the ground, on some planet you didn’t even remember the name of. The Doctor made no move to get up, to move, and to speak until you’d calmed. Until you were okay, and breath steadily.

“I’m sorry.” The Doctor told you once more, his chin settled on the top of your head as he held you close.

“What for?” You finally asked when it no longer felt like you were fighting for every breath. His heart beats below your ear calmed you down, focused your attention. Reminded you he was here. That even if your head was telling you that you were alone, that you definitely weren’t.

“We shouldn’t have split up,” the Doctor told you, “I should’ve kept you with me, but I needed you to be safe, and I knew they were after me, and not you, so I sent you away.”

“I thought you were gone,” you squeezed your eyes shut, forcing another breath just because you could, “I thought you were gone, and I didn’t know where I was. I... I thought I’d be stuck here forever. I was alone.”

“I know,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to your head, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. We should’ve stayed together. I’m so sorry, (Y/N). It was stupid, I know you’re different from other companions, and I still thrusted you into something that made you uncomfortable. I just needed you to be okay.”

“I’m okay,” you breathed out, but you weren’t sure if that was his sake, or a reminder for yourself. You’d never had a panic attack quite as heavy. Never one that broke you down like this one had.

“You’re okay,” the Doctor repeated, tightening his hold. You didn’t know if he really believed your words—his tone was pretty neutral. “You’re okay now. I’ve got you. I’ll always come for you okay?”

“Okay,” you swallowed, letting your forehead settle against his chest.

“Think you’re okay to stand? You weren’t hurt, were you?”

“No,” you shook you head, pulling away enough to look up at the Doctor, “I’m okay... you were right, no one came after me. I... I just, I tripped, I think.”

You pulled your hands away to look down at them, frowning at the scratches from the gravel. The Doctor took your hands into his own, leaning away just enough to look down at your palms. “I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault,” you told him with a small laugh that didn’t sound quite right. Not as okay as you’d hoped it would’ve. You ignored the kicked-puppy look the Doctor shot in your direction as you pushed yourself up, using the Doctor’s shoulder as support before offering a hand to help him up too.

It wasn’t his fault—he'd been protecting you. You’d always been a bit clingy anyways. The separation anxiety wasn’t new either—you'd just... never expected it could get so much worse on a planet that wasn’t your own. Being alone on a planet that you didn’t know; one not even in your own galaxy had hit you harder than ever.

The Doctor took your offered hand, accepting the help up, but he didn’t look convinced by your words.

The need to not let go was clearly just as evident in him as it was in you. You went to pull you hand back after he was standing, but he didn’t let up his grip. You didn’t mind though, just squeezing his hand in return.

He pulled you closer by your hand, only letting go when you were close enough to wrap his arms around. This hug was a lot more comfortable, standing instead of whatever odd sitting thing you’d been doing before. You could push closer, and he held you tighter.

You tucked in against his body much easier.

You melted into the embrace, letting him hold you. You weren’t sure if it was for your sake at this point, or his own, but you didn’t question it. Whether for him, or for you, it was a tenderness you needed right now. Comfort and protection from the Doctor.

“You scared me,” the Doctor whispered against your head.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” you murmured.

He pulled back enough to cup your face in his hands, thumbs trailing under your eyes with a feathery touch, wiping away the tear tracks with a frown, “I didn’t think my plan through, and it put you at risk, even if it wasn’t my intention. The need to make sure you were safe was stronger than the logic that you don’t know this planet. That I was pushing you into the unknown.”

“I know you were trying to protect me, I just...”

“Not the right way,” the Doctor decided. You felt him gave a light shake of his head, “it’s not protecting you if it manifests like this, (Y/N). It was the wrong choice because you panicked, because of me. I won’t do that again, I assure you.”

“No more splitting up?” You tilted your head at him. It made you feel very clingy, and you were sure your voice sounded more relieved than you would’ve liked, but the Doctor just gave you a tiny smile, brushing a strand of your hair behind your ear.

“No,” he leaned forward to press a kiss to your forehead, “no more splitting up—especially not on planets you don’t know. I can’t promise we’ll never get separated again, but I can promise I’ll always keep you safe, and I’ll always find you again.”

“I know,” you swallowed, nuzzling up against him and pulling him back into a tight hug. “I trust you.”

“I’m glad,” you could hear the playful smile in the Doctor’s voice, “now, what do you say we head back to the TARDIS and get off this planet. We can clean your hands up too.”

“Sounds good,” you returned the small smile. You wiped your hands against your pants halfheartedly.

The Doctor wrapped his arm around your shoulder, pulling you into his side easily. You curled in close, pressing the side of your face against his side. His thumb swept along your shoulder, arm keeping to tight and sheltered against him.

Protective, but comforting all the same.Comforting to the both of you.

<><><><>

Heyy! Thanks for taking the time to read this! I hoped you liked it! As always, if it wasn’t what you were looking for, feel free to prompt me again!

Hopefully the anxiety/panic attack was realistic enough, I’ve only got me to go off, but I know it’s different for everyone! Also, alternative title suggestions would be appreciated if you’ve got one!

#Tenth Doctor #tenth doctor x reader #tenth doctor x you #ten #10th doctor #10th doctor x reader #10th doctor x you #dw #doctor who 2005 #reader insert #fanfiction #fanfic #TARDIS #writing prompt #writing requests

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knickynoo · 3 years

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Do you have any thoughts on Marty and his self esteem issues? In most of the trilogy, I feel like Marty ranges from experience a lot of insecurity at best, to like a considerable amount of self loathing at worst, (like pls Marty, Doc getting struck by lighting was not your fault? You’re not Thor?) . And there’s the whole chicken thing, so I was curious if you had any thoughts on where it stems from, how it’s affected him etc etc? Okay lmao that’s it, have a great day !!

Hello! Do I have thoughts?? Yes. I do.

So, one of the things I like so much about Marty as a character is that...he's kind of an enigma of sorts? Like. Here's this kid who skateboards, rocks that denim jacket and the cool sunglasses, plays guitar, has a pretty girlfriend, etc. You take all of that, and it should reflect a really confident, popular person. I mean, with all the stereotypical "cool guy" attributes considered, Marty should have Ferris Bueller-level confidence and charm. He should be strutting around, smooth-talking everyone, laughing in the face of danger, and possessing unshakeable self-esteem. But he does/has none of those things because, as we all know, Marty is A Mess (affectionate). And yeah, a lot of it seems to stem from self-esteem issues, which we do see sprinkled throughout the trilogy. Where's it all coming from? Well, a lot of places, most likely...

• FAMILY: Probably the biggest factor. Though I'm sure George and Lorraine were sincerely in love for a while at the beginning of their relationship/marriage, I think it's fair to assume that any real spark between them had pretty much fizzled out by the time Marty came along or when he was a young kid. Take a loveless relationship between a meek, subservient man and a woman who drinks away her feelings, factor in a 17-year-old boy who's probably never had any real semblance of parental stability in his house, and it's highly likely that kid is going to have some issues. It's really difficult to believe in yourself & feel secure when the norm is having parents who are wrapped up in their own worlds/rarely interact with each other, seeing your father get emotionally (& physically!) pushed around by his supervisor, and watching your mom cling to alcohol and sink into depression.

• Plus, there are the separate relationships George and Lorraine have with Marty. Granted, we don't see much of it, but what we see at dinner is probably a good example of a typical interaction. George is quick to steer Marty away from any situation where he may face rejection or hardship. And yeah, he may think he's protecting his son, but this strategy is actually pretty harmful. I can imagine that any time Marty is feeling nervous or let down, and goes to his father seeking encouragement, he's only left with the impression that it's better not to take any risks at all because he might fail anyway. Instead of being built up, any potential self-worth is being chipped away at by George.

And as far as Lorraine is concerned, I get the impression that she's (more often than not) critical and judgemental of Marty. She's not shy about airing her strong dislike for Jennifer, during which Marty stays completely silent and unresponsive. Perhaps Marty's general default around his mom is silence, due to him having learned a long while back that he's better off keeping his mouth shut. I can see Lorraine lecturing Marty often, picking apart every little flaw she may see in him (friends, grades, attitude, etc.), especially when she's had too many drinks and especially when you consider that Marty is probably her most "difficult" child. Sad as it may sound, I can't picture Marty walking away from very many interactions with his mother feeling good about himself.

• GENERAL ANXIETY/NEURODIVERGENCY: Marty is an easily flustered, anxious guy. And whether that stems from his home environment or genetics (I mean, look at George), I don't know. But he definitely seems to be a sort of nervous, hesitant kid, particularly in the first movie. I also, like most of the fandom, headcanon Marty as having ADHD. And like...if that's the case for him, it certainly isn't helping at all with the self-esteem stuff. He's written off as a slacker at school, told he'll never amount to anything, and probably struggles a lot to keep up in his classes and survive in an environment that almost definitely doesn't offer any form of support or accommodations. That would be a big blow to his self-worth as well.

People with ADHD also tend to be very critical of themselves, worry about what others think of them, and have a hard time with rejection. Hence, the one rejection at the audition followed by, I'm just a big, stupid failure and I'll never ever be good enough. My world is crumbling, I should just give up everything forever =(((

(What do you mean those weren't his exact words??)

• BONUS: Marty might also face a decent amount of social isolation/teasing due to his friendship with Doc, which would take a toll on confidence too. Also, I just...don't think that Marty has many friends??

When you take all the above factors, Marty's self-esteem issues make a lot of sense and, if not for Doc, would probably run a lot deeper than what we see in the trilogy. ALSO!

• Marty blaming himself for Doc getting hit by lightning in the DeLorean: I've seen a few people comment on this and how they think it's ridiculous that Marty felt guilty but...it's always made a lot of sense to me, actually. No, Marty didn't cause the lightning, but he did set off the chain of events that led to Doc being there at that moment. If he'd had the inner strength/self-control to walk away from Biff outside of the dance, he could have just joined Doc on the roof with the almanac and they'd have been on their merry way. And even if Biff had continued to challenge him, or even followed him, Marty likely could have created a diversion or gotten an adult at the dance to help and still made it up to the roof before the worst of the storm hit. But because he couldn't stand being called a chicken, he ended up taking a door to the face, had the book stolen back, and had to go on that little side adventure to retrieve it, which led to Doc needing to save him. So yeah, I'm actually team Marty on this one. His choice did lead to Doc being catapulted into the Old West, lol. I'd have been consumed with guilt too.

• The Chicken Thing: I'm not going to go into too much detail (HA!) because this is already ridiculously long, but I will say that I don't go by the more popular headcanon that says Marty's sudden inability to handle being challenged is due to the updated timeline taking effect and "altering" him. Essentially, that Marty growing up with a confident, successful father made him have higher expectations put on him, and so he was always striving to prove he could live up to them.

I actually don't think any ripples from the new timeline catch up to Marty yet during the course of the trilogy. (I tend to headcanon that as happening gradually in the coming weeks and months after he gets home). Instead, I think that Marty's inclination towards becoming feral at the words "chicken", "yellow", etc. is because of his life in his original timeline. Growing up with a jellyfish for a father, it makes sense that Marty would want to distance himself as much as possible from being associated with weakness. He'd want to prove himself that much more because everyone around him would probably think he's just like his cowardly old man.

And though I know it's not really possible (because they weren't planning on a 2nd or 3rd movie), I think a case can be made that there's a glimpse of the "chicken thing" in the first movie, in the scene of Marty and Lorraine in the car at the dance. I mean, he gets all upset and tells her not to drink, but then she calls him a square, uses the classic peer-pressure tactic of, everyone's doing it, and he caves instantly and takes a swig. Could be because he doesn't want to be thought of as a square, or could be because he's desperate to calm his nerves a bit. Either way, Marty doesn't seem to fare too well when challenged or put under pressure, so I lump this scene in as a "chicken" moment.

I...need to stop. I set out to write a quick response to this. Like, a paragraph or two. But this question activated Hyperfocus Mode, and I blinked and now it's 2 hours after I started and I have AN ESSAY.

Thanks for the ask! *goes to lie down*

#back to the future #bttf #marty mcfly #asks #nikki rambles #nikki be quiet challenge #🤐#though...at this point you all know what you're getting into when you ask my thoughts or analysis #so I suppose you want responses like this??#idk i'm always a little worried i'm going on too much and am annoying everybody #so i hid it under a cut so you can scroll past if you want lol

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catatonicatnap · 3 years

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I'm still standing and still going and it looks like it's only uphill from here! I didn't even miss a month this year! That's already better than I thought I would! Full summary under the cut!

January. I had a bit of a struggle on subjects of drawing around this time. Ace Attorney hyperfocus was still in full swing, and while doodling Trucy during a software test of Pencil2D, I suddenly realized that I'd been drawing Trucy when I couldn't think of anything to draw for ages already. Daily character blogs were already blogs I greatly admired, and I decided that I might as well put my obsession with drawing Trucy to good use. (Check out @daily-trucy!) February. I continued Trucy while figuring out online learning. I don't have much to add here. March. More Trucy. April. My memory gets a little fuzzy, but I think around the first week of this month was when spring break began, and physical schooling ended indefinitely. May. I don't remember much of May. I think it was alright? I seemed to be doing okay with daily-trucy, at least. June. Most of this month was Artfight prep. July. ArtFight popped in! I made a grand total of two attacks this year, beating my previous record of one! August. Definitely my most prolific month in terms of art that was not Trucy, with at least three finished pieces (possibly more, if I can find them). This was mainly due to me applying for a zine on Twitter. The zine, sadly, never started, and applications were never responded to (which is understandable, I guess). But I liked the pieces! September. As usual, August and September were my best months. Probably because of the free time. October. At this point I finally listened to my friends' adamant recommendations that I watch JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. And... oh, dear Lord, I'm done for, it was actually interesting and actually funny, I'm never going to hear the end of it. I couldn't bear to go back to Trucy, not yet, not with how badly I'd failed the blog with finals, but JoJo was something that started featuring more and more in my doodles. It was fun. The characters in Stardust Crusaders, especially, reminded me of the dynamic I'd had with my friends before quarantine. It was kind of... calming. I didn't expect that from a show about beating up vampires with magic sunlight and ghosts you can summon with your mind. Who would??? November. Distance learning was not good to me, and I'd known that, but this was the point that it started hitting home. It's one thing to know the plane is nosediving, but it's quite another to see the ground rushing towards you at the speed of light. I threw my tablet to the side and only picked it up to doodle as a stress relief, pulling from the JoJo doodles from before. This was possibly the most stressful month of my life, and while I got a lot of schoolwork done, it's only thanks to those stress-relief doodles that I have anything to post at all. I am never doing that again if I can help it. December. With finals fast approaching, my grades becoming set, and free time practically nonexistent, I needed a quick way of entertainment that didn't take too long. Books would get me too engrossed, TV took too much time to watch, and I didn't really have the energy to read or watch anything with loose ends, anyways, so I started bingereading finished webcomics and webtoons. It's at this point that I found a comic called Sword Interval, by Benjamin Fleuter, which had recently concluded. Sword Interval has a coloring and lining style that's scarily close to what I've been trying to emulate (i.e. no painting if I can help it, and a blend of linework and cell-shaded color). But more importantly, the artist made two coloring tutorials (first one here, second one here!). Sword Interval's shading works by reversing my usual shading process, and erasing shadow to create light, rather than adding shadow to create light. This was an immediate improvement and so much easier for me. For the majority of December, my tablet lay to the side, disregarded. But for the two finished pieces I posted, the immediate difference in the shading made my artstyle look even better. I think this is definitely a method I'll continue to use in the future.

#summary of art #summary of art 2020 #catnap's creations (everything tag)#cat chats

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ourimpavidheroine · 3 years

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So I saw your repost about the headcanons and pairings, and honestly... I love your fics, I think they're really well written and I see the Wuko chemistry in there, but in regards to the original show? I'm kinda giving you the side eye. But seriously, I'm glad you see it even if I don't! I think I just don't see pairings in general like that unless someone throws them to my face - hence, why I spent countless hours of my teenage years despairing about the lack of companionship fics in One Piece.

Side-eye anon here. In case you don't know One Piece, it's at least to me the ultimate companionship manga. And all the characters are too in love with adventures to even pursue romance. I've seen maybe one romance fic that I thought was believable, and it was based on the idea that two guys were just emotionally messed up enough to think that fighting constituted of showing affection. Rant over. I was seriously invested in this for many years, sorry to sprout this all on you :D

Oh, there was absolutely no intention on Bryke’s part to make Wuko a thing in the show. Whatsoever. I’ve commented on that many times on this blog! Wu was queer-coded as fuck (apparently they didn’t have anyone on the writing team who was able to pick that up, yikes) but it was very clear that was unintentional on their part and the intent was to make super annoying heterosexual Prince Wu a foil for het Mako’s growth over the show.

Nah, any interpretation of the characters being a couple in actual canon is wishful thinking on the part of viewers, or at least at this point. I am 100% cognizant of that and have been ever since Book 4 aired.

What I did think was that the characters had potential to have a continuing relationship, and I thought it could grow into a romance, given the right treatment. The characters as they were in canon could develop something deeper if I explored that, and I was interested in exploring that with those particular canon characters. I liked the canon dynamic between Wu and Mako and I loved (and still love) the actual ATLA/TLOK worldbuilding and wanted to play in that particular sandbox. I did have to make Wu somewhat more bearable to do it (I had to lose his annoying slang, for one thing, and I totally used Huan to do that) and that was actually a challenge I set myself. Can I make this annoying little shit less annoying? (I like to think I did.)

Do I think I’ve made anyone ship Wuko who hadn’t done it before they read my fic? Well, based on comments that I’ve gotten, I have. Was that my intention in writing it? No. Not at all, actually. I assumed that the people reading it would be doing so because they already shipped Wuko (and honestly couldn’t imagine why else they would be reading it) and any comments I’ve gotten telling me I got someone to ship it have surprised me, believe it or not.

But here’s the thing: I was interested in the long game with these characters, not just a quick fic to get them in bed with each other. (Not that there’s anything wrong with a quick fic to get them in bed with each other!) Just writing some quick Wuko smut was never my intent. I wanted to explore a lifetime with them and their particular canon dynamic, through marriage and children and aging and change and growth and everything else. That’s the kind of writing that I love reading as a reader, and it’s what I wanted to write as a writer.

I have had, over the nearly six years (!!!) I’ve been writing my TLOK fanfic set myself some goals as a writer. Could I write a successful letter fic? Could I write a diary fic that actually won over people who loathed first person? Could I create OCs that were believable, that could fit right in with canon, that would add to the universe rather than distract from it? Could I explore family dynamics in a way that resonated with people? Could I write in a way that would include representation without it being contrived or smacking people over the head with it? Could I take a reviled character (in this case, Baatar Jr.) and give them a redemption story that actually works (and here I am giving Bryke’s dreadful Kuvira redemption comic the side eye myself)? I wanted to learn and grow as a writer and fanfic gave me a way to do that, and I have 1000% used TLOK to do that. Both with my Wuko fics as well as my Beifong fics.

I am a super cerebral person, which makes me a super cerebral writer, I suppose. Blame the Autism! My fanfic is a hyperfocus for me, for sure. It’s always been about that so much more than it ever was shipping Wuko during Book 4. (And if anything, all of my Beifong fic is proof of that.)

I don’t know anything about One Piece (even still, I can feel your love for it) but I completely understand wanting more companionship fic. I don’t think every single relationship has to be about love/romance/sex and I also don’t think every single story has to revolve around that either. So no need for side eye at all, my Anonymous Friend. :) It’s precisely why I very rarely read fic that is just a basic excuse to throw two characters together for romance/sex and why I don’t write it, either. If I am going to ship something that isn’t explicitly canon, then I am going to take the time and effort to make it believable, to draw readers into that world, to let the romance blossom in a way that works for the characters and the worldbuilding.

So here’s a question for you - a real question, an I am seriously interested in your answer question, a no sarcasm intended question - what kind of thing would you want to see in a Wu and Mako fic? What kind of plot, what timeline, etc. If you are willing to answer, of course! I am genuinely curious and genuinely interested as a writer.

#my fanfic #Anonymous #long post

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remnant-roses · 4 years

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Issues with Issue 12

I've been seeing a lot of disdain directed at the RWBY DC comics lately, and was reluctant to throw my hat in that ring.

Sure, they weren't quite what I expected when I saw a name like DC on the cover. I'd hoped for a grand superhero adventure arc, with lots of cool action. And what we got was low stakes, one-off character explorations. But hey, I don't hate those! It's the kind of thing I like to delve into with my own fics and comics, so far be it from me to turn my nose up at canonical offerings. Besides, I find these character explorations far more relevant than the fanservicey silliness of the Official Manga Anthologies, and I still own all 4 of those anyways.

And yeah, there's been some continuity hiccups that make it clear that the writers/artists aren't 100% clear on actual RWBY canon (like showing Taiyang cheerfully waving goodbye as Ruby walks away with JNR, when we all know she ran away from home, much to her father's dismay), but I was willing to look past that. It's a lot of lore to get through, and they're busy people. They can't all hyperfocus on one franchise and let it consume their every waking thought, like... y'know, me...

But if there's one thing I can't look past, it's editing oversights. Issue 12 had two glaring mishaps in the form of miscolored panels that had the unfortunate effect of neutering absolutely all dramatic tension in the narrative.

The story this issue centers around Blake talking to a fellow cat Faunus, an older blonde woman with green eyes named Clementine.

Clearly, there were some miscommunications with the art direction. I've edited out the text to avoid spoilers, but that third panel below? That's supposed to still be Blake. It's her line being spoken, and arguably one of the most powerful lines she delivers in the issue. And it's... colored as if she were Clementine, instead.

The same problem happens in reverse a few pages later. The panel below is supposed to be Clementine (observe the wrinkles under the eyes, and different direction to the bangs), delivering a surprise twist in the narrative - completely undercut by the confusion that abounds as the reader wonders why the hell Blake is saying it.

Now, as an artist, I understand this. The pencils, inks, colors and lettering are all generally done by separate people. Without much context to go off of, it would be easy for the colorist to mix up which of the two extremely similar women are pictured.

However, somebody outside the pipeline absolutely should have caught the mixup before it went to print. The miscolored panels pop the reader out of the story and disrupt what was otherwise a well-written conversation about redemption and forgiveness.

Plus, just... typos.

Andrew, please. You're killing me here.

#rwby #rwby dc #rwby dc spoilers #rwby dc comics #blake #blake belladonna #discourse #look i'm just a stickler for grammar and spelling and all sorts of technical shit

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transbionic-shieldmaiden · 4 years

Text

a really long post about my stupid HRT adventure

cw medical stuff, tumors.

context: there was a post about getting on HRT that I read but I decided this was too personal to go in a reblog. donut rebagel, but feel free to reply.

ohhhh man, so like obviously i’m glad other people have had a better time than I when it comes to getting on hrt but i really gotta rant about the issues i had, because I had a hell of a time getting it DESPITE NOT ACTUALLY RUNNING INTO GATEKEEPING. so, story time:

this got long, so have a read more.

So I have executive dysfunction, which I cannot recommend. For me at least it comes in a package deal with a bunch of plasticbrains things I’m very much a fan of (stims! hyperfocus! being trans!), but I’d still very much like to not deal with it. And I also have social anxiety. Which overall is not a great combination of issues for dealing with the medical system.

Case in point: figuring out I’m trans was the catalyst for getting me to actually seek therapy (at MIT medical, which -- sidenote -- is free for students and I can’t recommend them highly enough), but what this actually meant was I took basically an entire semester to make the phone call to get an appointment, which was scheduled for a month after the call*. So far so great.

Anyway, as my therapy continued I kept coming in and complaining about dysphoria and being like “man i wish i could start hrt! but i won’t, because that involves talking to strangers :(” and eventually my therapist was like “so like. regular medical, which can prescribe hrt, is literally one floor below us. i can walk you down and schedule an appointment right now.”

and i was like “uhhhh wait i didn’t actually want my problem solved that means i have to talk to strangers!!!” but like obviously this was the social anxiety talking because i did actually want hrt. so my therapist walked me down to medical and i scheduled an appointment with the one Trans Doctor (tee-em) at MIT medical (like seriously this woman is as far as I can tell the PCP for like half of MIT’s trans population, we stan).

so the way this worked out is I needed three appointments: one intake appointment which was largely informational, one appointment with a physical checkup and a blood draw, and finally an appointment once the blood draw results came in. So I went in to the firs appointment, scheduled the second once it was done, and then MIT medical stole my blood.

And when that appointment was done I...didn’t schedule the third.

Cue several months passing due to executive dysfunction and social anxiety.

So I finally get myself together enough to schedule the last appointment, and I go in...and it turns out I have abnormally low testosterone. And I was all ready to be like “Oh no...isn’t that a shame...how terrible...” but the problem is, low testosterone in conjunction with my other blood metrics...was possibly a sign of a brain tumor.

That sounds worse than it actually is -- the brain tumor in question would’ve been benign, so it wouldn’t have been cancer. It does occasionally lead to blindness however, and low testosterone from said tumor would obviously not be very visible once I was taking spironolactone. So we needed to make sure I didn’t have a tumor before we could proceed with HRT. I was sent to take another blood test, optimized for the time of day when testosterone levels peak, and was therefore in the strange situation of being a trans woman hoping for high testosterone levels on a blood test.

Alas, it seems I was truly too trans for my own good, for it turns out the second test was even lower than the first.

This meant I had to go in for another blood test, and I had to get an MRI. And of course remember that every appointment I make here means 3-5 weeks depending on scheduling, all while I’m engaging in the standard MIT pastime of drowning in psets. Which is not fun when you’re depressed from dysphoria, let me tell you.

The MRI rolls around and it’s in this area of the Boston metro area Where The T Dares Not Go. There’s a bus stop near the clinic, but I have only been on an MBTA bus once and I really didn’t want to miss my appointment. So I hop in a lyft and soon it’s time for me to go in the Big Science Tube.

So here’s the thing about the Big Science Tube. It’s loud, it’s cramped, and in my case at least you get pumped with Contrast Juice which like goes in your brain or something? idk i’m not an MRI tech. I actually found it to be a not entirely unpleasant experience, because it sort of feels like you’re in a cryosleep chamber or something and I’m a huge nerd. But it’s also...massively disorienting. You can’t move, your vision is limited to the inside surface of a white cylinder, the whole thing is making Noise and vibrating, there’s the Contrast Juice sloshing in your brain...Oh, and at least in my case they let me listen to satellite radio while i was vibing in the science tube. Thing is, I don’t generally like radio music, since I tend to like individual songs more than genres, so I picked the jazz station. I figured this would ensure fairly enjoyable music the whole time, instead of a weird roller-coaster of songs I like, songs I hate, and songs I haven’t heard (the vast majority).

While I stand by this analysis in general, I do not recommend jazz as the soundtrack to the big science tube.

All this is to say that by the time I got out, I was extremely out of it and loopy. Oh, I also forgot to mention: I did not sleep well the night before. My sleep schedule is a mess at the best of times, and I was very nervous. So I am...completely off the shits by this point, not to mention extremely hungry and thirsty. They tell you to drink a lot to flush the Contrast Juice from your system, so that works out OK. In theory.

I get out, stand by the bus station for a bit, and conclude the bus isn’t coming. I walk across the street to a McDonalds, figuring I could really use some food and liquid. Which was correct.

...Except the bus came and went while I was in there, and looking at the schedule on my phone revealed I��d have to wait another half an hour for another.

This is where I make a terrible mistake. I look at my map, see that Harvard...isn’t too far from where I am, and Harvard has a T station! Perfect! So I, completely loopy from the MRI, still dehydrated because I haven’t gotten nearly enough liquids from McDonalds, decide to WALK TO HARVARD. It was a 30 minute walk, through unfamiliar territory, and I cannot stress this enough: I. Was. Off. The. Shits.

So I walk to Harvard using my phone’s GPS and whatever brain cells were not full of Contrast Juice, somehow managing to navigate through this random neighborhood and over the bridge without getting too lost or getting hit by a car. As I reach Harvard, I realize that this is a bad place for me to be in my current mental state: it’s bustling, full of standard college craziness; i think there was a guy in a chocolate bar costume which I could not process at the time. Oh, and I’ve never been to the Harvard T station so in my condition I struggle to find it. And when I do get there...well, here’s the thing about the Harvard T station: It’s huge. There’s several floors of underground bus terminals and an absolute warren of tunnels. Perfectly navigable, if you’re sober or know the area.

I am of course none of these things.

Still, somehow I find my way to the train, but that wasn’t even the end of my problems! Because, you see, my dorm is twenty minutes from the nearest T stop! So even once I get back to MIT I still have lots of walking to do. I don’t remember how I got back at that point; I think it involved a lot of drinking fountains.

Anyway, I guess this was supposed to be about me getting HRT? So it takes a while for the MRI results to get back, but it turns out I don’t have a tumor. However, in the meantime my parents have been pushing for me to freeze some sperm cells, so that I can have kids someday. Here’s the thing: I do not want kids. I do not expect to ever want kids. And if that changes, I’d be quite happy to adopt kids. But my parents are offering to pay for it, and the risk-averse part of my brain is like “oh...maybe i should do it...just in case???”

It takes me a month to actually call a fertility clinic. In the meantime, I am struggling in my classes; dysphoria is not conducive to educational success. It was not a good time to be me, let’s just put it that way. Finally, I make the call, and uhhhh it turns out sperm freezing is really expensive? And you have to go in for an intake appointment...then do some tests...and then...

So at this point I say, fuck it! And I get on HRT the next week. In total it took me like...a year to get on HRT, depending on how you count it? And all this without anyone actually gatekeeping me on being an Invalid Trans or whatever. But it’s all good, because now I’m far happier and more together than I ever thought I can be. The moral of this story is: HRT good, executive dysfunction bad, and don’t wander through Harvard while completely off the shits from MRI aftereffects.

*this is the one issue with MIT medical; their services are great but also in high demand. the system is a bit better once you actually get into it though.

#genderfeels #trainsbionic-shieldmaiden #plasticbrains #personal #donut rebagel #medical cw #tumors cw #the word of the shieldmaiden

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kewltie · 5 years

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so i have this weird complicated canon bakudeku love story stewing in my head about how in the third year katsuki and izuku kinda dance around each other a lot. izuku made a promise to all might that after he graduated he would tour around the world with him (seeing diff heroes from diff areas and how they fight and to learn from them) and katsuki uh inadvertently confessed to him near the end of their third year even knowing that izuku is going to leave japan for like several years???? who knows when he’ll even back but katsuki doesn’t give a shit and confessed anyway bc this feeling is too large and heavy for him to carry alone.

katsuki is the one who is fully committed to building a romantic relationship with izuku and izuku (SURPRISED) is the one hesitant about it bc all might is dying and he’s trying to carry on the legacy of his hero and mentor and he doesn’t think he can be in love, let alone a relationship right now. so they made a deal to sort of ‘date’ for the last couple of months of their school year and during that time izuku starts to develop feelings for katsuki. can you make someone fall in love within three months? katsuki fucking sure he can do it bc it’s izuku and katsuki has never been surer of anything beside his place as the top hero and izuku by his side. he wants this, he wants this badly enough that he’s going to give it everything he got. so they awkwardly date the way ultra competitive teenagers who are obsessed with winning and their dreams to become top heroes do lol. so from their first date (all their handholdings and kisses bc apparently katsuki shamelessly loves them; “can i kiss you?” he would always ask bc he knows he can’t take izuku for granted and izuku swallows around the thrumming beat of his heart before he nods, always giving in to katsuki in the end) and to their last kiss on the day of their graduation.

izuku knows this time he’s finally in love w/ katsuki (he had always love katsuki but izuku is made out of love and he loved katsuki in the same way like he loves his friends, mom, and all might and he just love them all but there’s never been anyone special to him and that’s the diff). so when he realizes how his love for katsuki had balloon into something different and unrecognizable now it scares him at first bc in the past three months that he ‘dated’ katsuki he learns in all the way katsuki had grown so far. how katsuki tried to be gentle and understanding with izuku and it doesn’t always work out bc katsuki get impatient and izuku is relunclant but he TRIES AND TRIES SO HARD ANYWAY. this katsuki’s anger and abrasiveness is tempered by the years at U.A., the struggles of learning to be a hero, and the friends they got around them. he is still the same prickly katsuki as always but now also much more bc he get also get to see what katsuki is like when he’s in love; all consuming, devoted, and obsessively like how he pursue his dream of being a top hero one day. he loves izuku with a certaintly that is unbending and unshakable and izuku doesn’t know how anyone can deny katsuki this when he gives his all to something it’s a beautiful and terrifying thing. BUT ofc izuku has always been the one exception in katsuki’s life lol :((( bc in order to keep his promise to all might he let their deal end, broke up with katsuki, as promised after graduation. izuku left with all might to seoul as their first stop on their world tour four days later.

while the feeling is mutual on both front, izuku finds it hard to juggle the idea of relationship while trying to live with the mantle of all might’s heir bc all might dedicate his life to being a hero and fighting afo. izuku felt like he couldn’t live with himself if he doesn’t do as much as all might did to keep the world’s peace but it’s lonely at the top he realizes. izuku with all might travel across diff places all over the world to learn from all kind of heroes in all shape, form, and background that izuku never thought he had imagined: a hero that is a sworn pacifist (”how do you fight?” izuku asks, eyes wide. “with words,” he replies.), a hero from an inuit tribe who fight with wolves companion, a hero from brazil who lives in the amazon and uses the entire forest and its surrounding as his base of operation, a hero who fight and live in the desert of the sahara, etc. all these heroes who live in diff places and have diff culture and their way of fighting and using their quirks and how all of these reflect on who they are individually and shaped their own identity as a hero. izuku wouldn’t have known any of these ppl even existed if he had stay in japan bc they aren’t all mainstream heroes that appear on tv and made it big like the hero who lives in the mountain of the Himalayas and protect the small indigenous group there for generation after generations passing down the title like a family heirloom.

he’s glad he went with all might to explore the world and see what he saw but there’s a quiet yearning that has him keep looking over his shoulder as though katsuki is right behind him. he wants to share his discoveries and new knowledge with katsuki but they’re separated by an ocean and are thousands of miles apart. izuku thinks he made the right decision to go with all might in the end but sometimes the right choice isn’t always the happiest.

so while izuku is globetrotting with all might, katsuki made his debut as a rookie in the pro hero arena and quickly decimating the rookie ranking order. he got even more obsessed with his career: taking extra shifts & patrol, training himself harder, and focusing on being number one so it can drown out the longing he has for izuku. he even hasn’t open any of the emails izuku had sent to him for months now and tho they always come everytime w/o fail. he ignores them bc otherwise he’ll just be sucker into missing izuku all over again when he already told himself he’s going to kill this feeling for izuku. izuku had chosen to go with all might instead of staying in japan with katsuki and katsuki has no intention of hanging on to someone who chose to leave him but easier said than done. the more he refuse to think about izuku the more he sees and hear about izuku everywhere like how although izuku isn’t even in fucking japan anymore, the media is still hyperfocus on his adventure overseas and always reporting on his latest shenanigans and THEN THERE ARE THEIR FRIENDS who keep talking about izuku and his adventures (bc class a are an extremely close knit bunch who are all constantly up in each other bsn), the calls and texts and videochat etc he made to them while katsuki get technically radio silent. though the fact that katsuki is the only one to get like pages and pages of letter emailed to him weekly say something else, something that sits uncomfortably in katsuki’s chest.

and then one day he is out fighting a villain with his agency, there’s a flower shop nearby that got caught in the wreckage and katsuki had helped protect the owner and flower shop. as a reward and thanks, the owner asked katsuki to pick any flower he wants and katsuki has absolutely no interest in it but then a small cactus flower caught his eyes. it’s ordinary, small, and so boring that it shouldn’t even register in katsuki’s radar yet katsuki couldn’t pull himself away from it and ask if he can have that out of everything in the shop. the thing is, the cactus reminds him of izuku. compare to all the beautiful and vibrant flowers in the shop, that cactus was incredibly dull and nothing noteworthy but cactus are resilient and strong and if you take good care of it, it will bloom. it’s stupid, he thinks, to continue to be obsessed over someone who left him behind but like everything he does in life he has never love anything lightly.

incidentally, katsuki ends up taking up gardening bc lol it relaxes him and also bc of his new acquired plant that he had to learned how to care of bc apparently cactus are low maintenance but if you want it to truly FLOURISH AND BLOOM it need careful tending w/ the right temperature and watering. so he’d built a small home garden around his cactus flower that he had named deku bc fuck if it doesn’t remind him of every bit of izuku. slowly but surely katsuki is working through his heartbreak but ofc izuku continues to fuck him over even if he’s not even in japan anymore. more than half a year after izuku had left him, he get a framed calligraphy in chinese character sent to him from shanghai. that was the start of everything bc after that he get sent presents from all sort of places that izuku had travel to (pottery in chile and a wooden carving from kenya etc). it doesn’t come weekly like the emails that is still sitting unread in katsuki’s inbox but sporadically and unexpectedly. he said he doesn’t care for them but katsuki keep all those souvenirs in a box hidden away in his closet so he doesn’t htink about it.

And then ONE DAY he got same day delivery (super expansive!!!!) of a potted sunflower and a single note, which izuku had never wrote before in any of his gifts so far: “i heard you have a garden now so when i saw this i thought of you bc to me you are like the sun.” and katsuki is FUCKED as soon as he read bc all the feelings that he had been quashing inside of come rushing out and he broke down holding on to izuku’s small note. he just fucking misses izuku so much like there’s a hole in his chest that he can’t fill. he loved Izuku then and still loves him now and will loves his dying breath bc he knows it’s never going away, it’s here to stay and katsuki doesn’t know how to not miss izuku everyday that he isn’t here.

once he finally acknowledge the feelings that he’d been trying to bury, it unleashes a floodgate where katsuki finally read all those emails he had been avoiding since more than half a year ago starting from the very first email he got just after izuku had left japan. the email get sent to him once a week and in those email they are more like essay which are always more than ten pages long every fucking time. he talked about what he saw, who he met, and what he learn over there and he always end his letter with: “how are you?”, “what have you been up?”, “are you staying healthy?”, and finally, “thank you for reaching this far”. he always ask the same thing every single time and it takes a moment for katsuki to realize it’s bc katsuki refuse to answer any of his email so izuku keep asking and asking in his letter even though it shouldn’t matter but izuku tries anyway bc he cares.

katsuki has never been one to hesitate about anything in his life, not in pursue of his dream or love but izuku make him feel scare and hesitant which pisses katsuki off a lot lol. the bullshit that love is suppose to make you strong is so wrong, katsuki thinks, bc fuck if izuku doesn’t make him feel helpless and undone everytime but he keeps coming back bc in the end even when izuku makes him feel like his ribs are splayed out for him to dig through his heart, he knows izuku would gently and carefully hold his heart like it’s worth it weighs in gold. so katsuki, with wary trepidation, he took a picture of izuku’s sunflower next to his deku cactus and attached to an email with a single caption: “it’s you and me.”

izuku’s next email couldnt arrive soon enough and it’s FULL OF EXCLAMATION AND EXCITEMENTS as it talked about what’s going on in kiev where he’s currently staying in ukraine but this time in izuku’s email it doesn’t end the same series of questions about katsuki. “i can’t believe kacchan thinks im a cactus :(((. im not prickly at all!!!” and katsuki laughs so hard he cries bc he just misses izuku so fucking much.

so they finally start exchanging email that isn’t one sided anymore. izuku continues to write his enormous emails weekly while katsuki emails izuku nearly everyday but it usually just pictures and a caption or two about his home garden, his coworkers, his work, etc. katsuki may not say a lot but the fact that he’s keeping izuku loop into his life and willingly share it with izuku is him trying to include izuku in his life once more as though izuku had never left in the first place. they continue this for nearly 2 years, this back and forth as katsuki climbs the rank into top 20 pro heroes in japan now and izuku making his name known in the international stage. they’re both chasing the same dream but doing in diff path and katsuki hopes eventually they will arrive in the same place in time so he keeps waiting for izuku to come home.

but of course this tentatively stability doesn’t last bc izuku keep on traveling and moving forward and doesn’t seem to ever mention about returning to japan and katsuki wonders when will izuku stand before him once more. he doesn’t even visit during summer breaks or holidays!!!! which frustrates katsuki very much but for izuku he knows he can’t go back to japan even to visit his friends, mom, and katsuki bc the moment he step back he knows it will be impossible for him to go back to traveling with all might not when he sees katsuki and all his love for katsuki spill forward and out and he won’t be able to leave anymore. theres so much he has to do, to see, and learn and he can’t commit to back to japan yet and he knows if he see even a second of katsuki all his hardwork would be undone so he doesn’t. he lives vicariously and hopelessly in katsuki’s photos and keep an intensive track of katsuki’s career and trajectories even all the way overseas.

it’s katsuki third bday w/o izuku and just as midnight sets in he get an email RIGHT ON TIME (izuku had to calculate their timezone diffs and made sure he was free to be able to get to katsuki first). this letter is pages and pages of words again but near the end in large bold letters is a “happy birthday, kacchan!!!!!!” and it’s dumb SO INCREDIBLY DUMB but katsuki smiles bc he can actually see the excitement and voice of izuku in those blocky words. just before he goes out on his patrol and later his friends and coworkers dragging him out for his bday, he get another gift mailed to him just in time and this time it’s a metal ring from ireland where’s he staying. it’s intricately carved, with a heart and crown and a note attached to said: “with all my heart, happy birthday kacchan!” katsuki is left speechless.

he thinks maybe this is finally it that izuku is finally telling him he’s returning, he’s done and is coming back to katsuki. with fumbled hands, he writes a quick email to izuku with a pic of the silver ring and asked: “are you coming back this time?” he goes out with his friends later that night, the anxious energy still hums around him as he waits for izuku’s answer. izuku always answer several days later bc the places he go doesn’t always have internet connection but this time izuku managed to reply on the same day.

“kacchan, i’m not coming back anytime soon. I still have a lot to learn and see left. I’m sorry.”

and it fucking breaks katsuki bc he got his hope up for nothing. it’s like izuku playing w/ his fucking heart, sending him those loving letters and that fucking RING and it meant shit to izuku in the end bc he doesn’t even care enough to come back for katsuki.

he’s so mad and hurt that even his friends notice how his mood is soured for his birthday. through a lot of prodding and begging from his friends, and also a lot of alcohol for katsuki to finally spill out his worries and insecurities that only izuku can wreck him like this.

his friends, helpfully, points out that katsuki has never been passive, siting around waiting for the thing he want most come to him but katsuki got rejected once so he was burnt by it and didn’t want izuku to reject him twice. he doesn’t think he could take it if izuku didn’t chose him again.

but izuku has BEEN CHOOSING KATSUKI EVERY DAMN TIME HE WROTE THOSE EMAILS AND SEND HIM THOSE GIFTS BC all the souvenirs and emails that izuku sent to him are SIGNS (the chinese calligraphy letters translate to, “ Yī rì sān qiū” which is proverb that said, “one day, three autumns” on how you miss someone so intensively that one day is like 3 years; the silver ring from ireland was a claddagh ring; and then there’s the sunflower itself which doesn’t just remind izuku of katsuki but it symbolise loyal and longevity bc izuku will forever and ever loves katsuki and only katsuki). they say what izuku couldn’t say over an ocean and thousands of miles apart: i miss you, i think of you constantly, i love you.

katsuki has been trying so hard to be understanding and patience of izuku that he was missing the glaring SIGN THAT IZUKU HAS BEEN TRYING TO SAY TO HIM. his friends offer fresh prospective on this front that izuku isn’t asking katsuki to wait and katsuki should stop trying to be something that he is not when he has always chase after what he wants with gutso and fierce determination so why he is hesitating around izuku. GO. JUST GO. IF HE’S WORTH WAITING 3 YEARS FOR ISN’T HE WORTH TO CHASE AFTER TOO? katsuki’s friends are all too fucking good bc katsuki’s decision was already made for him the moment he realizes he was fucking in love with this idiot.

on izuku’s front: ever since their argument, katsuki has been silence and haven’t return any of izuku’s emails. izuku is worry that he has finally done it, driving katsuki away and this is it for them. katsuki must be tired of waiting around for izuku, he thinks as heart nearly shattered. it been 3 weeks now and izuku has been listless even as he’s helping out the neighborhood and this area hero in arizona. but then just as he return from a day of hardwork, he sees all might outside of their temporary home that their hosted lend to them with a starkingly farmiliar figure; IT’S KATSUKI.

it took katsuki several weeks to take care of all the bsn at home. quitting his agency, packing his stuff, and saying good bye to everyone and then tracking izuku down but he here’s now. katsuki is in a diff country, that he doesn’t speak a lick of the native language there, and left behind his rising career and all their friends and his family to come chase after izuku right here this instance. THIS IS KATSUKI’S ANSWER.

a looooooooong time ago right before izuku had left japan on his trip with all might, izuku wanted to ask if katsuki would join them but he had thought it was too selfish and greed to ask that of katsuki to give up everything and his dream of being number just so he can hop around the globe with izuku and all might. but katsuki is here now!!!! and izuku doesn’t want him to regret it, bc he doesn’t want katsuki to resent him for forcing katsuki’s hands.

“i can get it all back. that number one spot is waiting for me, for us. it’s not going anywhere,” katsuki says determinedly, “but i couldn't wait for you anymore so i came to you instead.”

it’s as much as an i love you in the same way izuku carefully wrote his emails every week for katsuki and in the same way he finds little gifts and trinkets that made him think of katsuki. IT’S I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH THAT I’M LEAVING EVERYTHING BEHIND TO GO WITH YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY BC I COULDN’T IMAGINE BREATHING ANOTHER SECOND W/O YOU.

izuku cries A LOT bc katsuki is here and it’s all he had ever wanted for katsuki to join him!!! they’re finally reunited at last. and with all might, who happily welcome katsuki with open arms, they continue on their travel and izuku teaches katsuki the new languages and things he had learned and all the ppl that had help shaped his understanding of his powers and stance as a hero. they do that for two more years traveling to diff places and only came back to japan when all might’s health had grown so frail and he had died on a trip to bolivia. katsuki and izuku returns to japan to throw his ashes into the sea of his homeland :((((. finally they’re back home together this time and for good. now they both carry the legacy of all might as a duo w/ all the knowledge and understanding of all the things they had learned and the ppl they had met around the world.

#bakudeku #not!fic

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