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inglourious-imagines · 4 years

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Arrogant Lover (Joe Liebgott)

Requested by: @hellitwasyoufirstsergeant

Summary: Secretly in love with each other.

Prompt: 51 - Rumour has it, I make you nervous.

Taglist: @alienoresimagines @floydtab @meteora-fc @eugenesmorphine @band-of-brothers-cz @real-fans @not-john-watsons-blog @tealaquinn @ok-roemanov @mrseasycompany @punkgeekchic @wexhappyxfew @hellitwasyoufirstsergeant @rarmiitage @hihosilvers @mavysnavy @easynix @stressedinadress @georgeluzwarmhugs @easy-company-tradition @immrsronaldspeirs @snafus-peckuh

"We have heart in order not to die from the truth." - Nietzsche

"Luz, I'm gonna give you 5 bucks if you shut your mouth right now." Y/N groaned desperately. Her head was full of her friend's conspiration theories, ideas and nonsense bullshit that she'd rather never heard.

"Oh c'mon!" George smirked, "just admit I'm right and you won't hear a word from me for the rest of the march."

Y/N looked at him curiously, taken back by the sudden offer and slightly suspicious if he's serious or not.

"You wouldn't last 5 minutes." she retorted laughing ironically.

"You have my word, Y/N," Luz affirmed his offer again raising his eyebrows at her.

She shrugged giving in after two long hours of George blabbing about what a great couple she'd make with Joseph Liebgott.

"He's fine, Luz. Definitely not as annoying as you." Y/N stated casually as she tried to hide the truthful confession behind a joke.

"I knew it! I knew it! I saw the way you looked at him!" the soldier exclaimed with a huge grin on his face - he was clearly satisfied with the end of his mission.

"Damn it, George, keep it down! And I'm not looking at anybody in any way."

"Your cheeks are more red than a tomato itself and that's enough for me, baby."

Y/N groaned to herself in frustration, angry with herself that she revealed this kind of information to Luz. It was hard for her already to deal with her emotions and how to handle them when there was a war going on all around them and the big D-Day jump coming up.

•••

Y/N was just checking out all of her gear, counting quietly to herself, completely irrelevant to her surroundings so when a familiar voice spoke up right next to her, she almost let out a scream. "The rumour has it, I make you nervous, private."

Y/N was so caught off guard that she wasn't able to get out any words for a couple of seconds. It was after Joe nugged her side smirking that she finally woke up from her trance.

"Don't believe in yourself much. I just said it to Luz to shut him up." Y/N tried to brush it off with a nonchalant smile but she could swear her voice shook a bit.

"So if I touch you, it won't do anything to you." Joe whispered into her ear purposely so close to her that his lips brushed against her skin. Y/N shivered under his sudden touch and his warm breath was causing goosebumps all over her body.

Y/N swallowed slowly and it took everything in her not to pant under his tender hot touch.

"S-see? Nothing." she tried to play innocent one more time glancing at Joe next to her who had a playfull devilish sparkle in his eyes.

"Oh really?" he smirked, "you stuttered, your voice is all unstable, your hands are shaking a little bit and your heart is beating so fast I wonder it doesn't really jump out."

It was at this moment Y/N realized that he's been holding her hand the whole time measuring her pulse. After this comment her cheeks blushed even harder than before and she looked at the ground nervously.

"It's a funny thing, Joe, really," Y/N chuckled after a few seconds turning directly to him, "because your heartbeat fastened as well."

If he wants to play this game, then he shall have it.

Liebgott glanced at her in disbelief but burst out laughing right after shaking his head as he refused to believe this actually happened. "God, you're perfect."

"I know, that's what people say."

The duo stared at each other suddenly so lovingly, completely forgetting about the soldiers around them while only a few meters away from them Luz was telling Perconte what a great cupid he is.

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chaoscrystals · 6 years

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diary

BOREDOME by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener I don't know what I identify as I don't want to identify I don't want to know I want to escape this story I want to be abstract artwork

December 19th 2017 12:07 AM

ONLY INSPIRATION

priorities for tomorrow: edit photos take new photos of different necklace colors write setlist eat well be friendly transfer item listings

December 19th 2017 12:15 AM

January 9th 2018

Mold growing under the rubber and above the concrete, my face itches, my whole body aches, and the mold is just there, not really bothering anything immediately but my face itches, and now my whole body aches, because i can't take it.

Sarah Mount Timi Kendrix Nova Luz Doo Dah Beasties

January 17th 2018 7:35 AM i want there to be a turning point, that i no longer thing about Jonathan as if he is a prop for me to live out my fantasies on. As if they are no longer someone i need to prove my worth on, the canvas i use for my own selfish gains. what the fuck is going on with me? I can't stop thinking about them, It's like i want a problem, it's like i want to be hurt, i want my heart ripped out, but it never comes, because he won't outright reject me, but he won't come and get me either, maybe because i didn't ask them to yet? this desire in my head to see myself as desirable through jonathan's perspective holds the same weight as my desire to be in music. It's like theres this childlike part of me that is SO DETERMINED to see this happen. see what happen? I'm really confused as to what I want to be honest. this has been going on for years. first of all, i don't know if they really understand that. Because i felt like this before i actually met them. and what did you see when you went to go find them? i didn't see. but after when i already knew where they were, i don't know i just see the same surging waves of green and blue and red in my heart, it kind of hurts but the more i look at it squarely the more i realize that it isn't real pain. this is one of the most consuming and exhilarating things i have ever felt in my life. I wonder what jonathatn would think if i said that to them. part of this is making me realize that i am truly very isolated here, even though i live in a big city and i even go out and do things, it's always been something with me that i coped with stress by isolating myself. I can see where i got it. so what do i actually want? maybe i would feel better if i figured that out first, because i am going in all different directions, and some of them aren't even enjoyable so i better stop. what do i want? i want jonathan to be my long-term partner what really? are you sure? why? are you sure about that? nah you're making it up. no i'm not what? I want jonathan to be my long-term partner okay so i think i might actually want that because if i came up with that in my head that means it has to at least partially be true, and if i'm being honest with myself, in my daydreams and fantasies, that's always what i see. I see us being together for a long time. the only thing right now is that… I don't really know what they're like. I can't say i really know them very well, and I don't really know what being witht them long-term would be like. Do i want to live with them? maybe if i'm honest about what i want, i will be able to move forward and potentially get what i want. hah. i'm a rat snake do i want to live with them? yeah kind of. what? how am i ever going to fully admit that's what i wanted the whole time? i guess i just did that's what i wanted from duke, and that's what i want from jonathan now. I want to sleep with them and fuck them because i think if i do that's how you become in a couple. but i don't want to have sex with them for a bunch of reasons 1. am jealous of whoever else they're fucking 2. very jealous 3. so jealous 4. aside from feeling jealous and hateful, I don't see them, and i don't see them because i don't trust them, and i don't trust them because i don't trust myself, and i don't trust myself because i have never seen a world that actually benefitted me instead of hurt me. I am pushing them away when i see them because i insist that everything go my way or else i don't' want anything at all. but then i reel sad afterwards because i want to be with them still. i don't want to have sex with anyone until they have passed, like, a 3-date threshold. i can define it visually in my mind but words are hard at the moment. not dates because, i don't really go on dates or get taken on dates. that made me kind of mad i think i want to be.

wednesday january 24 2018 5:49 AM I remembered the day and the year. i have things i want to say to you again. it keeps running through my head! I'm sorry i think i told you too much. i just think i told you too much 9:07 AM the more i think about this, the commoner it gets, its so basic, i regret it but i'm glad i did it, i wish it was different and i wish i didn't need to lash out and i wish it was different, i wish i didn't tneed to tell you that but i guess i did, i guess i forgot, i guess i needed someone to worry i talk a big game but i have nothing to show. this is one letter i wrote but i don't' think i'm gonna send it because i just want to write about how bad i feel i feel pretty bad to be honest with you. i don't know where the charger for my phone is. pretty sure i'm addicted to weed. this is going away. its going a way. okay but why did i feel it was necessary to tell jonathan i was molested and had an eating disorder? why did i feel that was necessary? it almost feels like i span out of control and had no control over what i was doing because i've been wanting him to read my diary for so long. i think i could have really been fine without the last past and part of my letter, my last ghost, but i guess i just wanted him to know. i've never felt so uncertain for as long as i can remember, i really hope i get somewhere, i really hope to be different one casually waiting day, the minutes tick by and the sun shines, i lie back, relaxing, writing, knowing that it could all be different and i 'd probably feel the same why did i think that was necessary? the words anorexia and bulimia keep replaying in my head with the memories of vomiting. i want him to accept me, i want someone to accept me, he still feels the same way about me i feel like i didn't really get anywhere. this is this is this is this is too early to define but i'm pretty certain, I'm scared I'm not in the running cause i'm not fucking them, but he kissed me on the cheek and messaged me the next day, i wish i could lay down in the feeling of him kissing me on the cheek. i must be so meek compared to more people most other people. i don't know. just a kiss on the cheek. i want 10 more why do i care? why do i still want him? i'm passionately obsessed. teal swan said that when you're that obsessive over someone, it's because you recognize the qualities of the good side of your parents. i feel like my complex involves cross hatching between the genders, its not flipped and reverse but i have the complex coming from both sides. like, my mom and my dad. since i really want to actually understand why I'm acting like things i'm going to analyze it based on that oedipus complex theory since i don't know what else to go off of. so i recognize all the qualities i loved in my parents in jonathan. what about jonathan do i like? i like how he plays guitar i like how he sings and writes songs those don't relate to my parents? i guess thats more about myself i like how caring and kind and accepting he is i like how knowledgeable about music he is this doesn't feel like an oedipus complex. am i missing the connection? WHY DID I TELL HIM ABOUT HAVING AN EATING DISORDER why i am regretting that, while knowing that i ALWAYS want to talk about having an eating disorder. i don't understand. i guess i should just talk about having an eating disorder in general. i obviously want to. I'm kind of sorry i subjected jonathan to that. like how could he have known thats what i was going to write? thats kind of like, emotional enslavement. i feel bad but i don't think apologizing would feel good cause i don't. i think jonathan is ok with me having done that but it definitely didn't make them fall in love with me is that what i want? i'm getting a yes and a no at the same time yes because please he feels so good everything about him feels so good please never leave me i am obsessed this must have something to do with my parents no because this must have something to do with my parents, i really just want to be a jazz musician, but i keep hanging out in brooklyn because i'm uneducated, i really just want to be a jazz musician, and a punk musician, and a musician, and a singer no because i'm intimidated by them dating other women, i'm honestly just spinning away, maybe i missed my chance to tell them i wanted to be in a monogamous relationship, maybe my chance is right around the corner, maybe we would be okay in an open relationship, maybe not really but i can fake it. maybe the perfect chance is around the corner and it doesn't involve jonathan, despite my obsession, when am i going to let it go? everything i'm doing probably it if i do everything to try to avoid what i don't what, i'm just going to make what i want. so WHY am i obsessed again? what does any of this have to do with? the last person i felt like this about was either duke or michael. jonathan kind of, has his shit together more. i feel stupid but i guess i just was going to interpret anything they said as however i wanted it to be. when really the truth is they're just trying to be friendly. internal laughter. as long as he's near me. i have a new chance with him every day but i never take it, i'm too busy thinking about my own life. why is this feeling so complicated, why do i have to go through this alone? when is this going to end? how do you really feel about polyamory/open relationships? i think emotional polyamory is normal and healthy and sexual polyamory can also be, potentially. i'm intimidated by the other mates. i think i want to be on top. i woke up with digestive complaint today how could anyone love a girl so boring at the bottom of this is a feeling of self-loathing. god. maybe if i can get someone worthwhile to love me i'd be worth it. fuck me. why do i have to go through this feeling alone? fuck this. i need a friend. i need jonathan. i can never have you i can never have you okay nova keep thinking that. i think that. i think i can never. i help help me i said this i wish i could take it back. i wish i could take it back but cant and it doesn't even make sense to take it back cause it's the truth, i wish i lived in another reality but the truth is my obsession had only been slightly ameliorated i'm still here, the fire in my own belly. i can kind of internally understand the connection between my parents and duke and michael maybe i'm just taking it way too far. i always wanted to talk about my eating disorder. i have a persistent urge to be vocal about it, i can say from experience my feelings are always super valid and usually psychic my band needs to practice more but we need a spot. so for now i guess i'm going solo again because…damn brendan needs something. i am asking the universe for a few things at the moment. it works best when i focus on one at a time. and they all naturally go in the order of importance that i perceive to be correct. but today i'm going to hopefully set a big intention, asking for the answer to this easy question: why am i so obsessed with jonathan?

#freewrite #diary

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