#after i take some fucking ibuprofen for my migraine (idk where my migraine meds are but i might be able to find them tonight)

[chaosdisorganized]

I don't deal with chronic pain, I am only in a lot of pain on my period, which is so bad I can't do anything, it hurts from the waist down and I think it may have grown to my colon... I have had people getting upset with me, only causing me to feel worse, when god forbid, for a week out of the month, all I can do is sit in bed and get stoned because my pain meds don't work and it feels like someone is twisting my tendons and muscles from the inside... I have a job developer who is super pushy about deadlines and most of the time I am on top of it, but on days where I really need to be productive, its frustrating because that tends to be when my period starts..(I suspect I have endo and my doctors do too, I have a procedure next week I need to prep for relating to it...I can't take birth control because repressing my period represses my digestion... I have IBS symptoms with my endo..) How do you cope with folks acting like you are "making excuses" and "being lazy" when you are in pain? I feel guilty for being in pain and needing rest... I will not have something done by a deadline and sent a lengthy defensive email to my job developer about it. I am exhausted. I can't imagine how awful it must be to be in pain all the time, from the first till friday kicked my ass with pain. (I can only imagine what you deal with... My mother had chronic constant pain; 2 ruptured discs in her back, foot neuropathy, migraines, etc. Still doing 90% of the household chores regardless. I can't even fathom that. I think my pain might be genetic somehow...) I take strong pain meds and cannibus to cope, it takes me from a 10 to a five. Any tips on how to get others to understand, and being patient with yourself? My period got significantly worse after my mom died... I think trauma also causes inflammation and chronic pain and even ulcers in the body, so stress is no good, but i get stress about disappointing everyone. People are not very empathetic if you need to miss work or school for pain.... How do you get folks to understand?

Unless someone experiences it themselves they won't understand, unfortunately. Sometimes if im having a really hard time with someone not respecting my limitations ill do theatrics and act like im in more pain than I am (I have a high pain tolerance so a lot of times I can be in really bad pain but hardly making a face) groaning, crying, screaming, flinching, I just let it out. Usually that works. It's not an easy thing to cope with, I've spent my whole life being gaslight about my pain and people think I use it as an excuse to get out of things or being lazy and really fuck em. I'll tell them "you not believing me doesn't make my pain any less real" people seem to think if they don't believe you then you'll magically be cured for some reason? Idk. What's important is that you believe yourself, only you know your own reality. If your body is telling you you need to rest you gotta listen to it. If it's telling you to slow down, slow down. It's important to listen to your body because it will tell you what it needs, and in turn what you need. People won't ever understand until they're old and disabled from age. I know the feeling of not wanting to let people down, but those people gotta know your wants and needs come first. You have limitations and if they can't respect that then that's on them because your limits aren't going to change.

One thing I find really frustrating is how people expect you to get better and to find a way to do so. I can't take ibuprofen or acetaminophen because they make me sick and sluggish. Everytime I complain about pain it's always "take a tylenol" honey I can't take tylenol everyday nor are you suppose to. There's no way to make people understand, you know your truth and if they don't get it for whatever reason then fuck em. What they say doesn't change your truth or reduce your pain. You just gotta tell them to take it or leave it because it's not something you have control over and you can't push yourself past your limits, that'll only make it worse.

I hope that helped at least a little. I'm really tired and dissociative so I'm not thinking optimally.

[assholemurphy]

i am incredibly sad that i only have like, 1 extra adderall left (i may have to find somewhere to buy more from, since i only get like, enough for the month with my prescription, the only reason i had extras this month is bc it took a week for me to be able to get my prescription filled, so i literally had to go a week w/o adderall and i don’t wanna do that again, ever, it was hell, esp bc i ran out of sudafed, too, that week) bc holy fucking shit am i awake. i’m getting so much done. i took a shower and then highlighted all of the units in my script, which is usually hard to focus on bc it’s so dull, and i got another 15 units done, so i’ve only got like 30 left and i’m still wide awake and focused AF. like, i’m p sure that colors have smells, but also, like, the world is so intense and amazing. i feel fucking fantastic. i kinda wanna go skydiving, but like, not until i get my hw done, ya know?

but i’ve got 30 more units to do, then i’ve gotta make a graph, but after that, i’m done with the project and can move on. depending on how i feel/what time it is when i get that done (bc if it’s past 3:30/4a, i can’t sleep, i’ve got to stay up bc if not, i won’t wake up in time for class, but also, if i still feel this awake, then there’s rly no point to sleeping bc i won’t be able to, anyway) i might sleep, or i might start working on my playwriting assignment (bc that’s due mon @ 2p and i’ve got to write 6 1-min monologues for my characters) and watch the first 30min of shrek: the musical (bc i gotta have that done by fri @ 9a bc we’re watching it in class and that’s where we’re picking up at since the audio wouldn’t work in class, so it’s hw to watch the first 30 of it, but we can watch all of it, if we want, idk if i will, i’ve got too much to do and if i watch all of it, then there’ll be no point of going to class bc i hate rewatching things bc i’ve got a damn near eidetic memory for movies/books and certain other things, depending on how much i’m paying attention, but almost always books/movies unless i find them boring and don’t care abt them, so it would be stupid to watch all of it and then be bored in class), then maybe read some of after the fall (the script i’m pulling my monologue from for acting i) and do the assignment that goes with that (bc it’s due tues @ 9:30a). after that i should do my therapy hw (we’re still working on stuck points and i’ve got like, 5 more sheets, maybe more, to fill out) bc that’ll be due at my next counselling appt, which i think is next week, i’ll have to call them, but it’ll take abt an hour and it’ll emotionally drain me.

i think that’s abt it for hw, tho, but all of that’ll take roughly 9 hours, which means i def won’t be able to do it all tonight, but i can get most of it done if i don’t sleep, which means i’ll have more time for sleep/writing/literally everything else on the weekend. i might even be lucky enough to be able to get drunk. maybe. i’d have to start drinking at like, 3p and stop at like, 6p for it to all be out of my system so i can get to bed by 2/3a. so that’s a maybe. but a nice maybe.

ofc, i’ve got non hw stuff to do, too. i’ve got to make a list of roommate requirements so i can start looking for a new one (i’ve also got to talk to goldilocks to see when she plans to move out, bc like hell am i moving out, all the bills except her half of the lease are in my name and most of the furniture (aside from her personal stuff and the coffee table) is mine and i don’t want to have to move ALL of it out and into a new place, plus it’s her decision to not be roommates, so it’s on her, not me, and i won’t budge, not this time). then i’ve got to get my study/organization binder made so things’ll be easier to keep track of. i’ve got to do some cleaning (taking out the trash, cleaning up my side of the living room (we didn’t divide it, it’s just where the couches are so we stick to our couches most of the time) and the coffee table). then laundry, gotta do laundry, i’m almost out of socks.

ofc, i might have to start on my part of the second part of the group project. i wanna design costumes for the play, if neither of the others is doing that, which i hope they aren’t, bc i don’t know enough abt any of the other elements of production to do something else. but if i have to, i can try to do sound, maybe, that’s my second choice. so, i may have to start on that this weekend. i’ll talk to hurricane bianca and tim the toolman taylor and see what they’re doing for it probs on fri if not tomorrow at rehearsal. then i can start on my part and get it finished ahead of time to prove i’m capable, when i’ve got my shit together and am not having a breakdown every week. then, after i talk to prof j abt what i’m supposed to do for the show (something with finding times for freeze frames and spotlights, which is fun, but i’m worried my comdic timing isn’t the same as everyone else’s bc i’m autistic, so my sense of humor is a bit skewed, ya know? but anyway, prof j specifically told goldilocks (who is stage manager, i’m one of two assistant stage managers) to have me do it, so i’m afraid i’m being set up to fail bc i know nothing abt theatre, rly, and i’m always paranoid abt these things, but i’m also kinda thinking it might be bc she actually thinks i can do it, which sounds unrealistic, but she’s not a mean person, so i’m willing to bet it’s that one. but i need to ask her what all she needs me to do, bc goldilocks has no clue, which was so fucking helpful, what a great stage manager she is (no, srsly, idk if i bitched abt this earlier or not, but she’s absolutely horrible at this shit so far and i can’t stand working under her bc i hate working under incompetent ppl bc i feel it makes me look incompetent, too, if the job isn’t done right, even if it’s not my fault bc i wasn’t in charge and i’m always, always terrified to look stupid or incapable in the eyes of others). so, i’ve got to ask prof j abt what all i need to do bc i’m p sure the advice given to me by the lighting tech (who is apparently a decent stage manager, tho i doubt it, truly, she doesn’t have the personality for it, she’s too pushy and it makes her hard to work with, but that might just be bc i don’t like her as a person, so i’m reserving judgement until i see her in the position) is wrong bc it makes no sense, is way too hard, doesn’t actually help with anything and gives me a headache (bc mapping out the goddamn blocking is impossible when the actors do diff things every fucking night, wtf??? do the same shit, you assholes! but it’s also useless bc it doesn’t tell anyone where the spotlights/freeze frames should be, and blocking isn’t my job, it’s the other asm’s (who i don’t have a nickname for, but will probs have before the end of rehearsal) so why she’s not doing it, idk???) so i’ll ask tomorrow.

so, i’m looking at 9 hours hw now, then 30 min of cleaning, 3 hours of other paperwork shit, and potentially 4 hours of hw and 2 hours of theatre stuff this weekend. which means i can get at least 10 hours of sleep per night and get some writing done, if i finish most of my hw now. i think that’s worth one sleepless night. it rly is. so, here’s to hoping for at least one day off this week.

but if i don’t sleep, i’ll probs crash after rehearsal tomorrow night, unless i can convince my friends to come over and hang out, since they won’t be here this weekend and i kinda need their help making the roommate requirement list bc otherwise it’s just gonna be like ‘can’t leave time on the microwave after they’re done using it’ and ‘must know how to use headphones when others are studying in the living room’ and ‘must not whine when i want to stay in my room and do work instead of being around them 24/7′ (tho, goldilocks doesn’t spend much time with me anymore, which is fine, i guess, but it’s a complete 180 from what she used to do and honestly, i’m offended bc i caved and started staying in the living room and now it just feels weird not being in the living room and idk what to do abt any of this). i need real things, too, like, big concerns that i’ll forget abt when writing it, and i need to know if my requirements are petty or things that aren’t specific to most ppl, just goldilocks. and it’d be nice to hang out with them and shit.

anyway, this is rly long and rambly, but i rly need to vent all of this shit somewhere, it helps me sort my brain out. i don’t actually expect anyone to read it and you can always blacklist my personal tag ‘iz says stuff’ if you don’t want this shit on your dash. but if you do read them, then you’re always welcome to come to my inbox and be like ‘quit bitching and get back to work, dumbass’ or something. 

#text #long post #iz says stuff #i'm gonna get back to work now #after i make a to do list (on paper not on tumblr) #so i can keep track of what i need to do #and then i'm gonna update my planner with what i need to do tomorrow #but then it's back to the units #after i take some fucking ibuprofen for my migraine (idk where my migraine meds are but i might be able to find them tonight) #bc it's coming back with a vengence #i think they're from not sleeping and from stress #i used to get them all the time #some of them were so bad i had to go to the emergency room #i hope they don't get that bad again #it would rly fucking suck bc i don't have a car/can't drive with a migraine anyway and i don't have the money for the emergency room #i think i'll talk to my dr abt it tomorrow #if i can remember to

[marvelingjules]

savelion :Wait but why were you prescribed ibuprofen for a migraine??? Ibuprofen is usually only useful against fever and infections, not head ache type pain. I find even regular paracetamol combined with coffeine (like caffeine but added to the paracetamol) works so much better for migraines if i don't have my frovatriptan pills

I mean... idk? I was told they’d take care of the pain, especially at such a high dose. I believe it is, sometimes, used to treat pain and migraines, but I don’t think it works particularly well for severe migraines. And sometimes it does work! Most of the time taking a dose will dull it at the very least for the rest of the day, which... let’s me get through work or homework. But because mine are SO fucking regular (and I finally have a doctor that takes me SERIOUSLY when I say ‘every couple months it hurts so fucking bad I have to call in sick to work’ and ‘at least two or three times a week I have to wear my sunglasses inside and ask the kids I work with to be quiet’) right now she’s trying some different stuff.

I was taking - oh fuck what is it called? The medicine for migraines that you can buy off the shelf, with the big ol’ dose of caffeine? EXCEDRIN! (Thanks, google.) I was using that but it just... wasn’t keeping up. It wasn’t even helping. My sister had 500mg ibuprofen for... something? She didn’t need it anymore; I think it was for headaches caused by her other meds? Anyway, I know you’re not supposed to use other people’s meds but it was the strongest stuff we had in the house and it helped, usually. But honestly I feel like whenever I get something that “works” it stops working after a few months, or not as effectively.

I saw the doc just a few weeks ago. She gave me the suma when I admitted that the ibuprofen usually just dulls the pain to manageable, ignoreable levels. She told me that right now we’re just going to be treating the migraines, not controlling them. I’ve been ordered to keep a headache journal (with no... explanation for how or anything, so *shrugs*. I think since my appointment happened so late, it was close to closing time for the office and she was more focused on getting me the new meds and out of there. I’d waited for two hours already.) and let me tell you? I didn’t even REALIZE how often I get headaches of some sort and just... work through them? I don’t always take any meds for them, because I hate taking meds for things. But I’ve been writing down when I get them, where I feel the pain, trying to describe the pain....

I forgot to ask the doc for some kind of note for work, concerning how bad my asthma and these fucking migraines are. Work made a comment last “year” (May; end of the school year) about how people took a lot of sick days and they were going to be keeping more of an eye on that in the coming year. I took more days than usual, partially because of catching almost every single bug that went by and partially because of these dumb migraines killing me, so I want my ass covered in regards to that. I have a follow-up appointment on Aug 15. In the past almost ten days that I’ve been keeping the headache journal, I have had some kind of pain almost every single day. I hate this. It makes me frustrated, it makes me tired, it makes me grumpy, and it makes me want to cry.

I don’t really know if the suma’s even going to fucking WORK for me very well because it makes me very tired (and apparently if I don’t rest it makes me dizzy and overheated) and I can’t have that and work at the same time. And I can’t miss work. Because a) I need the hours and b) my work is the kind of asshole-place that would “terminate” you or cut your hours because you keep missing days for illness. They really are. I’ve seen them do it to someone who missed a week for the flu, and then miss a bunch of days later in the month for another health problem.

#Jules replies #health issues #savelion