#after knowing me for 11 fucking years

[astro-inthestars]

.....

Mm.

#rennikorambles #/neg ... sigh #no she didnt reject me #no i didnt mess up #no ididnt even CHICKEN OUT. #i had everything i had my courage i had my words i had my loose plan ready i was ready. #i wasnt gonna chicken out. and the worse that could happen i knew was that she wasnt ready. #i had high hopes. youve seen a glimpse of the hype havent you guys? #but of course. the one . ONE thing that could ruin everything. isnt me. isnt laurel. but the world it-fucking-self. #the auditions were canceled and we didnt know. our teacher told our class prez but he didnt tell us. or the very least laurel #didnt send it in any gcs and everything. and im not even upset about the auditions ofc im not. sure i care about it but #it could all move to a year later and i wouldn't care . or well i would of course but just.. #but the fact that i had all this hope for this one moment for this one CHANCE and it all goes down the fucking drain #her friend (and by extension mine) lets call her Brash Girl which you can expect how she is. was literally just caught up in the whole thing #and of course with her stuck with us i couldnt do anything. #dragged me to 7-11 to mope about our teacher who canceled the auditions and. #.... yeah. no shot. nothing. laurel asked her mom to pick her up. i watch her leave. i leave. the end. #after all that effort. all that dreaming. all that hoping nothing. #i know it's not the end of the world. i know i'll get another chance. but god does it fucking suck. #im exhausted and disappointed and tired and i. i dont know. #i need a breather.

[arionawrites]

1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!

2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr

3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!

overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!

#aritalks #i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use #not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before #and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk #but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day! #the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow #also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years #(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years #and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk) #was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!! #i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight #so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday #my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work #my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all #over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins) #but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered #(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting #when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so #just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my #mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19) #so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her #and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too #i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure #out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still #dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not #the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one #if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it #but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help #and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks #just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️

[bringbackgoth]

started my day determined to have a Sad Sack Crybaby day where I just loused around and slumped on furniture but the weather was so beautiful and when I took Scoops outside to bask in it some neighbor children wanted to pet him which led to all of us migrating to my backyard so they could play on the 30 year old 'playset'(two swings and a slide) while I chilled and absorbed the sun in my chair and they chased and ran away from my puppy and then threw him sticks and toys until he was SO exhausted and then finally a Mother came over and sat in the other chair to 'watch' them and...

it was really nice. I didn't have time to be a sad sack, just had time to chill and absorb the sun and breathe the over-pollinated air and enjoy the sounds of kiddos running around my yard.

I think I needed that.

#the benefits of being friends with your neighbors #I've been meaning to tear down that janky old playset for years but shit like this keeps happening #My 11 year old neighbor who was doing most of the 'babysitting' took advantage of her mom coming over and took a turn on the swing #and whooooooo boy she really put that old wood through its paces #she was twisting and turning as she swung back and forth and the WHOLE frame was rocking #I'm like girl.... you might have aged out of this ancient old playset(very likely older than ME) #but it did not fall apart... today #I even got an unexpected hug from one of the kiddos as a 'thank you' #which was weird but appreciated #loaded them up with ice and water as they played - hydration is important #it's nice to have a surprisingly good day #and I know that looking after these two other kids was a strain on the family so I'm glad I was able to alleviate some stress for them #and Scoops was SO FUCKING HAPPY #he sounded like a little train with how hard he was panting afterwards

[milo-igidk]

have i mentioned lately that i fucking hate the council

#say what you want 'oh kenric/ Oralie/terik were nice' I DONT GIVE A SHIT #THEY HAVE CAUSED SO MANY PROBLEMS AND NONE OF THEM ARE BEING HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR IT #THE MOST UNREALISTIC THING IN THE SERIES IS THAT SHANNON TRIES TO SELL TO US THAT WYLIE WOULD AGREE TO JOIN TEAM VAILANT #AND HELP THE COUNCIL AFTER ALL THE SHIT HES BEEN PUT THROUGH BC OF THEM #OR HONESTLY ANY OF THEM TBH #ALMOST ALL OF THEM HAVE BEEN THREATENED TO BE EXILED AT LEAST ONCE #THESE GROWN ASS ADULTS ARE STANDING IN THEIR HIGH CHAIRS THREATINGING TO EXILE /CHILDREN/ #THEY LOOKED /11 YEAR OLD/ LIHN IN THE EYE AND EXILED HER #THEY CAUSED FITZ TO BE FUCKING IMPALED BY A GIANT BUG #AND THEN BRUSHED IT OFF LIKE 'OH OOPS OUR BAD GUYS THAT WASNT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN' #THEY MADE DEX MAKE THE ABILITY BLOCKER AND THREATENED TO EXILE HIS WHOLE FAMILY IF HE DIDNT COMPLY #LIKE WHAT #DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON PRENTICE #ESPECIALLY SINCE WE KNOW THAT ORALIE KNEW THE TRUTH AND STILL DID NOTHING #'oh im one vote out of 12 what did you want me to do' YOU COULDVE STILL DONE MORE YOU PRACTICALLY HAD KENRIC WRAPPED AROUND YOUR FINGER #I STILL THINK SHE CULDVE DONE MORE #THE COUNCIL DOESNT FUCKING KNOW HOW TO LEAD #12 HEADS OVER THERE AND NONE OF THEM HAS THE 2 BRAINCELLS NECESSARY TO THINK #'hey maybe we should stop focusing on exiling fucking children and start dealing with the terrorist organisation going around' #THATS NOT EVEN HALF OF IT IM #SSDBSFDHBFDSDFHFDHHDFHBSDFH #IM SO MAD FUCK THEM #FUCK THE COUNCIL #kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #kotlc council #councillor oralie #councillor bronte #councillor terik #councillor kenric

[m-jay-gee]

so much internalised biphobia among the bi girlies nowadays. not necessarily just girlies. but i feel like largely girlies bc we dont want to feel or seem like we're faking our queerness for whatever reason. like a preference is a preference dont get me wrong it's just so many younger bi girls have a hard time admitting their attraction to men. i am a stellar example before i realised i can be attracted to people without giving a shit. fuck anyone that judges you for that, who said it was their business anyway. men are hot. men are insanely attractive. everyone is pretty and i truly believe it.

#yeah... #mad i didnt acknowledge my preference for men until i was 16 (realised i was bi when i was 10 or 11) #but it's crazy how when i came out to my internet friend as bi after knowing her a few months her first reaction was yeah sure babes #and she spewed some shit about me actually being a lesbian #majorly fucked up #she was a couple years older and assumed she knew my sexuality that ive been solid in for years #no babes. #bisexual #bi pride #fuck internalised biphobia frrr #cw cursing #cue E you E #queue

[l-cereta]

oh my god u know the hrt is working when u get genuinely white girl drunk

#ive never been this drunk before this is crazy. the gender euphoria of not having any tolerance despite being able to drink 4 drinks a year #ago #like its that or someone Did something to this drink but it was from a housemate's stash. oh my god i wanted more of this im so glad im in #bed rn i could have made so many bad decisions #im like this close to posting one of the thirst(?) pics i took on my sideblog that i havent touched in a month #oh my god im fucking up so many words . gang im not pretending here i drank like 2 shots tops and its Fucking me somehow #WAIT I CAN EDIT TAGS #typos fixed :sunglasses: #genuinely crazy how much im feeling it tho ive literally Never felt it this much. id ask if ibuprofen or spiro interact w alcohol but i #think there was a decent amount of time between when i took both #yeah like i took spiro ~10:57 and then uh drank after. 11 hm ok this isnt as spaced out as i expected #i dont think im going to alcohol jail tho. im being responsible im In Bed im not gonna go do anything stupid (altho i do. want to ask #someone downstairs to do something stupid. but maybe thats the alcohol talking) #also shileas is downstairs and shes a bitch and i dont want to be cringy in front of her #i dont know if shes trans or just a really masc lesbian btw . shes cool but she also has some bad takes sometimes and i dont think she #likes me #im writng so many tags <3 but thats what love is. if anyones read this far idk like the post or something #you know the one post where the person puts an egg in their mouth. and then people share the tags. this is that #i was gonna be typing this out on a discord server but i thought no. this deserves to have everyone see it #man also if i went down and asked like if anyone wants to fuck like who would say yes . shileas is a super senior maeve is in a relationshi #p #i dont like riley and . man idk about griffin. but i think im a lesbian. maybe im just desperate. #bUT IM NOT GONNA. im not gonna. #i dont want to sleep tho i want to have fun :(( but my roommate is asleep #& its not like anyones gonna fuck me on this bed . with like my lovies (thats what i call my stuffed animals) and shit . #i genuinely didnt expect that i could get this drunk and whats crazy is i know i could be more drunk #can u imagine if someone reads this and goes 'well shes clearly sober and faking it' no </3 im simply very eloquent i was neglected as #a child so i read alot lol #whoops *a lot not alot #wasnt there a limit of like 26 tags. when do i hit that

[5arcasmw]

the more i learn about the american revolution the more hamilton: the musical infuriates me

(read tags for context pls i go off on a mega tangent)

#no offense to lmm at ALL i know that he had to keep the musical entertaining and that it wasnt meant to be a complete biography but GOOD GOD #wh-why is stay alive (set the winter of valley forge to a bit after the battle of monmouth) like 6 SONGS AFTER “a winter's ball” LIKE- #THAT SONG TAKES PLACE IN 1980 WHILE THE EVENTS IN “stay alive” TAKE PLACE IN 17781?1??11??!?2?+?1 #ALEX AND ELIZA HAD ONLY LIKE VERY BRIEFLY MET LIKE ONCE BEFORE IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY #AND AND AND #THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH TAKING PLACE RIGHT AFTER THE LAURENS LEE DUEL AND MEET HIM INSIDE?? WHAT???? #DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE PLACEMENT OF MEET ME INSIDE #HAMILTON DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE HIS POST AS AIDE-DE-CAMP TIL LIKE EARLY 1781???? YEARS AFTER THE DUEL???? WHILE HE WAS ALREADY WED TO ELIZA???? #AND WASHINGTON DIDNT EVEN KICK HIM OUT BC OF THE DUEL LIKE??? #ALSO THIS IS KIND OF MINOR BUT #SAYING THAT LAURENS WAS IN SC DURING THE BATTLE OF YORKTOWN WHEN IN REALITY HE WAS IN THE BATTLE LITERALLY *WITH* ALEXANDER JUST FISKDNQMDNA #also i stand by the fact that “satisfied” should've 100% been sung by laurens instead of angelica #as far as i'm aware there is a lot more evidence to suggest laurens and hamilton being a thing than angelica and alex being a thing lmao #ALSO #wher the fuck were meade tilghman harrison reed mchenry and fitzgerald???? (idk if there were more aides i forget lmao) #and why include hercules mulligan in the main war group when LAFAYETTE AND LAURENS LITERALLY NEVER MET HIM??? #WHY NOT REPLACE HIM WITH ONE OF THE OTHER AIDE-DE-CAMPS I PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED???? #I AM AT A LOSS FOR WORDS LIN WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME #lin buddy i love you and the musical *LITERALLY* saved my life but #good god man the inaccuracies in the 1st act give me fucking heart burn....got me prematurely balding over here jfc #amrev #amrev fandom #i guess? #alexander hamilton #hamilton the musical #john laurens #lams #these tags are an entire seperate post jfc #lin manuel miranda #shit i accidentally said 1980 instead of 1780 pls ignore i typed fast and angrily

[windowsandfeelings]

I can already see that this season of Maisel is not shaping up to be popular, but as someone with limited emotional investment in how it turns out (I love Lenny! Don’t get me wrong! It would be great if they changed history but I’m in no way holding my breath! …also I don’t mind Joel and I actually quite like him sometimes, which I know is a very unpopular opinion but so be it) I very much enjoyed being back in the Sherman-Palladino patter.

And I especially enjoyed hearing the Sherman-Palladino patter back in the mouth of a certain handsome man.

#the marvelous mrs. maisel #my dad’s wife does a lot of extra work in NY and sent me pictures from filming at the TWA terminal over a year ago #I couldn’t spot her this time but she’s done Maisel 3 or 4 times over the years #also: #I’ve been emotionally burned by ASP too many times #so while her dialogue and direction thrill me I do not let her work into my heart anymore #it’s easier this way #also also: #fuck Milo Ventimiglia is hot. and I’m so glad he got to talk this time! #and run all over 59th street station! #also also also: #the premiere is supposed to be the day after Kennedy was elected (so 11/9/60) #but also sometime before the 14th of November 1961 #but also the day after Lenny played Carnegie hall (2/5/61) #but also the day before Thanksgiving??? (11/22/61?) #I know ASP has never had much regard for things like continuity but COME ON

[somekindafairy]

god i know this is a dangerous thought game to go down but sometimes i really do just wish i realized i was trans earlier, like i really am out here feeling like a real person for the first time in my life in my 30's huh. :/

#i firmly believe that like...life is not wasted #and the experiences i had are valuable and important and taught me a lot #but like...if i had half the understanding i have now i think i easily would have realized i was trans at like 11 or 12 #and instead i repressed it so deep that i didn't even start untangling that mess till my mid twenties #didn't start t till i was 28 (years after i knew i needed it) #which isn't even that old all things considered but #sometimes i think it would be nice to have been young and dumb and not horrifically uncomfortable in my body and gender and being #i mean i was fucked up for a lot of reasons in my 20's not just being trans but that was a big thick ol' icing on the cake ya know? #and just sometimes it feels like i'm having experiences and learning things that other people had ages ago cuz i was just #so nonfunctional #idk god it's been so hard it doesn't seem like it should be this hard #i'm glad i'm alive though which is... a lot on it's own #and i got top surgery last year! i didn't post about it a lot but #i'm literally so thankful every day i could cry #idk it all feels so obvious in retrospect you know?

[laurelnose]

Wait Tết’s in February in 2024. Oh god my first quarter display schedule is fucked

#what the FUCK am i doing in january #i wanna do Jane Yolen and Mo Willems’ birthday for Feb 11 (did you know they share a birthday? it tickles me so much) #and I was gonna swap on the 14th for Black History Month #so... uhh... february is full. it’s fine that’s fine i dont need to do a lunar new year display. AAPI month is not long after anyways #but that leaves JANUARY EMPTY!!!! #laurelnose.txt

[skyllion-uwu]

Am I nauseous because I'm hungry or because I triggered myself last night

#my stomach hurts and i need to eat but the idea of doing that is. ack #and i cant tell my parents why because id have to unpack so much spontaneously #like id have to explain i was on the internet before they let me make an account and that i didnt tell them when i was getting those dms #and how its basically ruined any neutrality i had towards sex because ill be fine and then BAM! #everyone else is 12 year old me and im an adult and im my abuser and im going to hurt them if i keep talking about this #just because it was only words doesnt mean it fucked everything up forever. i know back then i was aroace but didnt have the words #but i sincerely think id be just sex neutral if it wasnt for that fucking asshole and now i think about sex for too long and get sick #and i didnt say anything because i thought they were my friend and i dont know if they were 11 like they said they were or not either way #its just. im getting so much off my chest here i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to block after that first message #and i didnt say anything after i realized because i wasnt allowed to have social media and i didnt want to get in trouble over that part #fantasizing alone is one thing but as soon as someone else is involved theyre me and im that person on da and i hate it. i hate it i hate it #i hate it i hate it #is that a common thing. where you feel like youre the abuser in certain contexts even if youre nothing like them #whatever. i have physical therapy and then ask a prof if i can use him as a reference and then finish my application if he gets back to me #and then i can rot all i want #sky vents like amogus

[aberooski]

If I have another breakdown at work tomorrow like I did the last time I worked a Saturday I'm going to kill myself because last time I screamed in the hallway and cried so hard I was shaking because of how stressed I was.

#working at the movie theater sucks I hate people so much #I also hate that the movie theater was the best I could do even with a fucking degree because I've never had a job before #and I haven't even been there a month and I'm already the most fucking competent usher we have #i have to do fucking everything and I'm the only one keeping us on track every fucking day #also the only other ushers I actually like aren't the ones I consistently work with and tomorrow I have to work with the one that I hate #they literally do not pay me enough for this shit #anyway I'm back to considering opening art commissions becauae as I said they don't pay me shit and I really do need the extra money #also another reason I'm pissed about working tomorrow is that I have to miss christmas cookie baking at ny grandma's and that's one of- #-my favorite traditions every year. I'm actually very upset about it I might cry about it at work tomorrow. #alao they're making me come in at 10 am when all the other ushers don't start coming in until like 12 and the first theaters don't let out- #-until like 11:40 so there's literally no point in me being there that early other than to just piss me off #I'll take the extra like fuxking 20 bucka those 2 hours will get me but fuckibg seriously? I know I'm technically available- #-which is probably why but all it's gonna be is me making sure our usher cart is stocked then sitting around for an hour and a half #fuck everything #I fucking hate that this is my life this is awful #I can't have literally anything can I? #abby after dark #abby's having a crisis

[pencil-merchant]

I need the 5 day workweek to get abolished. N o w.

#penciltalks #vent #i gotta go back to work tomorrow and frankly #the time ive had recovering from surgery has given me the perspective that no #im not incapable of actually doing stuff and its not just a fact of life that i have to be in pain #11 hours of my day full of physical activity do put a strain on me i must say #its not normal to be tired every waking moment #its not normal to be in pain or discomfort every moment of the day #im gonna be entering my 3rd year at the end of summer #i just #dont know if i can make the jump back to permanent exhaustion and not take psychic damage #i don't want this #but at this point quitting ain't really an option #so im just gonna have to pull through #after im done with this im definetly gonna take a fucking break year or smth #vent in the tags #im just. so full of dread