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not-so-mundane-after-all · 8 months

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Okay it happened. My first time writing for Agents of Shield. My heart and mind are taken over by Coulson and Daisy and well, girl gotta do what she gotta do and ✨process✨ those feelings. Full thing under the cut because I accidentally hit over 2k with this thing and who knows, maybe it'll end up on AO3 as well! For now I'm just testing waters.

@skoulsons @outer-edges I hope you'll enjoy this little tearjerker.

"There's no S.H.I.E.L.D. without you."

Maybe. But to him, there's no S.H.I.E.L.D. without her. He's the past, but she's the future; she's the one who will bring this pile of ashes back to life, who will lead with her giant heart and a brilliant mind and create something extraordinary. She's the legacy he couldn't be more proud to leave behind.

"There's nothing without you," Daisy sobs as she breaks down in front of him, and Phil's heart shatters to pieces in his chest like she just hit it with her powers. He answers its call, its desperate plea to bring her closer, and he pulls her in, a soft come here on his lips as he gathers Daisy in his arms and lets her fall apart against him.

Her tears soak into the collar of his jacket. She's shaking, wrecked by sobs she can no longer hold back. He brings a hand up to cup the back of her head, and he closes his eyes at the softness of her long, brown waves under his calloused fingertips, letting it overcome him.

Holding her had always been quite a difficult task for him because, once he had her in his arms, he never wanted to let go. But he had to. Because duty called, because he was needed elsewhere, because she had to go. There was always something that forced them to pull apart, always something that had him stepping away and releasing her, always something that made him let go.

Now he's dying. He could be gone in an hour, a day, a week.

This time, he's not letting her go.

She seems so small in his arms. This force of a woman, powerful, brave, and fierce, now a sobbing little girl who wants to hide in his embrace and never leave. Phil feels a lump form in his throat as he thinks of a time when she really was little, when she had no one to hold her and dry her tears, when she had no one to go to. It only makes him hold her tighter and squeeze her against him so hard that he could crush bones if his body wasn't too weak for it.

If only he had known back then. If only he had found her sooner. How many nights did he spend thinking about this? How long had he sat by her bedside after she'd been shot, going over all the what-ifs in his head? For how long had he held her hand against his lips, staring at her pale face, wondering what it would've been like if he had the chance to raise her?

Four years together doesn't feel like enough all of a sudden. He's one foot in the grave; he accepted his fate and made peace with it, but if there's one thing he regrets, it's not having more time with her. If he had found her sooner, they would've had a whole life together; he would've watched her grow up, graduate from the academy, he would've been privileged to see the road she's been on to become who she is now from beginning to end. Instead, he's only a blip in time, there one second and gone the next.

He won't see her restore S.H.I.E.L.D. to its former glory. He won't see her reach the full scope of her gift. He won't be there to watch her finally find the love and happiness she deserves, won't walk her down the aisle like he secretly dreamed he would one day. He won't hear the laughter of her children as they run into his arms with her smile on their faces and call him 'grandpa'.

He wanted that. More than anything, he wanted that.

And now…

Here she is. The daughter he never had but had always wanted. Breaking apart in his arms because soon he'll be gone and there's nothing she can do to stop it. She will try; he has no doubt about that. He can give all the orders he wants, but Daisy will move heaven and earth to keep him alive. It's a futile task, really, but he'd be lying if he said he wouldn't do the same thing if the roles were reversed. He had done the same thing, and they had only known each other for a few weeks at the time.

He already loved her even then. A few short weeks, and she was already everything to him.

A violent sob shakes her frame and makes Daisy cling to him tighter. His jacket strains against his back when she grabs fistfuls of it and trembles, her breath hitching in her throat. This time, when he squeezes his eyes shut, a single tear rolls down Phil’s cheek.

"Daisy..." His voice is breaking.

"No, I can't, I can't..." She shakes her head and chokes on a sob that turns into a wail, muffled only by his shoulder. It's like a knife plunged into his heart and twisted around.

"Shh, shh… It's okay," he whispers into her hair, even though the words taste like ash on his tongue. He's leaving her, it's not going to be okay. Not for a while. She will grieve, she will hurt, she'll need time and space. There will be a hole in her heart that nothing will ever fill again. He knows because the same hole opened in his chest when he held her lifeless body in his arms, blood oozing from two gunshot wounds in her stomach staining his hands red. It was stitched together and closed, but the fear of it reopening again remained, making itself known every time he watched her head out for another mission.

"Daisy," he tries again, Skye at the tip of his tongue. It's the name she had given herself — the name of someone who didn't know her story. Everybody laughed at him for having a hard time getting used to the change in the beginning, but Phil couldn't help it when the name alone made his heart beat louder. Her true name has the same effect on him these days; it pumps life into his veins whenever he says it, and if only that were enough to keep him alive, he'd take it.

Daisy burrows deeper into his shoulder.

"Please don't," she weeps. "Don't tell me it's okay. I can't– I can't do this. I can't lose you."

His hands automatically move to cup her cheeks as he pulls away. When her eyes find his, they are bloodshot and brimming with tears; he makes no attempt to conceal his own. They are both barely holding themselves together, but they need this. Daisy needs this to survive after he is gone.

"Listen to me," Phil pleads, leaning in close. "I might be gone, but I will never leave you, okay? I'll be here," He taps her temple with his finger, then presses his palm right above her heart, "and here."

Tears roll down his face now, and his voice cracks and trembles, but the smile on his face couldn't be brighter. "I don't know if there's Heaven or anything else waiting for me. I didn't stay long enough last time to find out. But whatever happens, I'll be watching over you, Daisy. I promise."

That's the one thing he's absolutely sure of. No matter what the other side holds for him, he is not leaving her side. His teachings, his guidance, his care, it will all help her carry on through life. She'll find him in herself but also in others — a whole bunch of people who love her just as much as he does and will be there for her every step of the way. He might be leaving her, but he's not leaving her alone.

Her hand lands on his over her heart, and holds on tight. It's warm, soft, and so gentle, despite holding the power to crack the world apart. Her eyes stay locked on his own, deep brown wells of pain and sorrow and for a long moment she stays quiet, only looking into his eyes.

"Dad," Daisy sobs out, and Phil feels all the air leave his lungs in one sweep. "Dad, please…"

"Oh, baby girl."

Before the impact of these words can knock him to the floor, Phil crushes her back to him, and he holds her closer than ever before, tighter than his body has the strength for. His back hits the wall with a soft thud as he presses a kiss to her temple and begins sobbing into her hair. Daisy collapses against him, nestling into the crook of his neck, and they both slide down to the chilly concrete floor.

He's not sure how long they sit there. Could be minutes, could be hours. Daisy is curled up across his lap, leaning sideways against him with her head pillowed on his shoulder. Phil rocks her slowly, like a child who wakes up after a nightmare and needs comfort. He wishes it was only that — a bad dream he can chase away, kiss her forehead and dry her tears, then put her back to bed with the promise that no monster can get to her. He holds her, both arms encasing her and keeping her close to his chest, where her palm rests, feeling for the drum of his faint heartbeat through his shirt.

Phil rests his cheek against Daisy’s hair with a sigh. If only it didn’t have to hurt so much. If only there was a way for him to go without leaving her in so much pain.

Her sobs die down after a while, and when they do, she just stays there, limp against him, forcing herself to breathe. She's exhausted, he can tell, and if he wasn't still feeling so weak after fainting earlier, he would've picked her up and carried her to bed. All he can do instead is tuck her closer and let her rest for as long as she needs, right where they are. Wait until she's able to stand back on her feet and walk back to the base with her head held high.

Because she will. And she will let Hell break loose to save him. There will be nothing he can do to stop her.

"I am not giving up on you," Daisy says into the empty space around them, as if reading his mind. Her rough voice scratches against the walls of her throat.

Phil closes his eyes. "I know."

She lifts her head and looks at him. There's fire in her gaze that knows no objection, a determination as strong as her powers are. She's taking her grief, and instead of letting it break her, she's using it to fuel herself.

"Please, don't make me give up on you."

And what can he possibly say to that? He won't convince her. He won't change her mind, just like she won't change his. Daisy has always been stubborn, but so has he, and over time, Phil came to terms with the fact that he might have accidentally bestowed even more of that stubbornness on her.

He smiles, stroking her cheek instead of saying anything, and the way Daisy leans into his touch with a sigh melts him. It's a rare occurrence when they get to be like this, when they allow themselves to be this close and open with each other, and he doesn't take a single second of that for granted. Only wishes it was happening under better circumstances.

"You're good?" He asks, ducking his head to catch her eyes.

Daisy wipes her face with the sleeve of her shirt and nods. "Yeah, I'll be fine."

They both know she won't be, not for a long time. But for now, it's enough. He's not gone yet. They still have time. They still have work to do.

Phil lifts her to her feet, and the two of them take a deep breath, trying not to think about how much of a mess they are. He hasn't let go of her yet, and now Daisy is staring down at their joined hands, her face obscured by a curtain of hair. Her chin wobbles, but Phil is fast; he reaches out and tilts it up, making her look at him.

"You'll be okay," he tells her.

Fresh tears glisten in her eyes.

"How do you know?"

He catches one drop with his thumb.

"Because I know my little girl."

Her smile is everything to him. It's sad and a little shy, her cheeks blush when she drops her head to try and hide it, but it still lights up his chest like fireworks on the Fourth of July. He'll hold onto that smile for as long as he can.

When he wraps his arm around her shoulders and pulls her to his side, the rest of Daisy's tears are gone. She rests her head on his shoulder, lets him kiss her hair one more time, and as they head back to the others, they both feel somewhat lighter. A lot will change in the next few days; the weight of the world is still on their shoulders, but as long as he's here, Phil can make sure Daisy won't crumble under it.

After all, she's humanity’s shield. And her father's daughter.

#should I post it on ao3?#I'll wait 24h before I do anything #I hope you liked it #I have A LOT of feelings about these two #marvel's agents of shield #agents of shield #agents of s.h.i.e.l.d.#aos #agents of shield season 5 #phil coulson #daisy johnson #skye #coulson and daisy #daisy and coulson #skye and coulson #coulson and skye

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