February sits
like a stone on my chest
It sits, and sits,
and doesn't move
until the weight of it
threatens to collapse
my lungs and crack my ribs.
Forget April, February is
the cruelest month.
It brings memories
that feel like scars.
a.k.
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Runaway Love
Picture us riding off into the sunset with the top down and the warm wind whispering sweet nothings in our ears. What's left of the sun is peeking over the horizon, gently kissing our faces. The waves of the music are washing our souls with the bliss of hopeless romantic love and happiness. There's no one else on this road, just you, myself and God. No worries were brought with us but our pockets are full of dreams and our bags are stuffed with every wonder of the world. Our hearts are full of never ending love for life and each other and there's nothing that can come between this feeling. Let's run away and not tell a soul, let them all worry until Monday morning. You can hold my hand while you drive and I can periodically look over at you and smile because of your being, amazed at how my world seems to live in this one person. We don't even need a destination, let's just ride until the wheels fall off. And when that happens we'll just be stranded on the side of the road, sitting on the hood of the car, staring up at the stars, lost in deep conversation, unbothered, til the sun comes up.
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Why do I love the ocean?, you ask.
It greets me like an old friend.
I receive the homecoming I've always wanted.
But for now, I will find contentment
in my land-locked state,
where waves are fields of barren land
and the shoreline is the distance from here
to the streetlight five feet away that's flickering in melancholy.
One day, I will solve this insatiable restlessness of mine.
I will go to the sea.
I will go home.
a.k. | pieces of a journal entry that doesn’t make sense. also can be called manic episode 1.
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I have this weight on my chest;
this need to cry,
to let go of all
that's trapped within
my ribcage.
But I can't seem to cry.
Where do unshed tears go?
Do they stay loaded, ready
to spill from tired eyelids?
Do they slide down parched throats?
Make their home in empty chest cavities?
Where do my unshed tears go?
Why can't they come?
I've been calling them out for quite some time.
But my eyes are drier than they've ever been.
Maybe I am not worthy of sorrow.
a.k. | i have no reason to be sad, i have no reason to be sad, i have no reason to be sad.
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it’s funny.
i always say how scared of driving i am
because of the risk.
i could get into a car crash,
die,
hurt someone i love.
but i fell headfirst in love with you
and didn’t think twice.
part of me died
and still,
i say i am afraid to drive
but not afraid to love.
tell me how falling in
love is safer.
a.k. | still writing crappy tumblr poetry even though i know i am capable of more.
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it used to be
soccer balls
and picnics
that would send me
spiraling,
stuck in memory
stuck in flashbacks
and what-ifs
and panic attacks
but now it's hotel rooms
and BMWs and college gyms
that smell like bleach
and rubber
and chlorine
but all i can smell is your cologne
and all i can see
are the brown of your eyes
and your stupid Air Force 1's.
so i watch as you laugh
and smile
with her
and i keep the lump in my throat
down and down until i can't
breathe
maybe one day
i won't have to live
stuck in memory.
a.k. | guess what, your girl got her heart broken pt. i.
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the world is ending
and all i can think about
is why i keep chasing love
when it has given up on me
long ago
the world is ending
and all i can think about
is whether or not i'll fall in love
and whether or not he will
be a gentle man with a
soft smile and kind eyes
the world is ending
and all i can think about
is whether or not this
emptiness will ever be
filled with love
from someone
again
a.k. | crappy poetry written in sweatpants
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i remember
my therapist telling
me to unclench my fists,
allow my fingers to feel
the air between each other. if only she could see me now - my hands tight at my sides, my knuckles white. i'd tell her, 'if my lungs
can't catch a break, why should i unfurl my fingers from their prison?'
my body is nothing but an avenue through which anxiety can make a home
a.k. | it hurts so bad i can’t write sometimes
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you know when
you get your blood
pressure taken,
and there's a moment
where your arm is
squeezed so hard it
feels like it might explode?
my chest feels like that
right now.
it is so tight
and it hurts
so bad it might explode.
i wonder if this is
anxiety or the weight
of the world.
i wonder if this is
how it always feels -
to wear burdens
like chain metal.
i wonder if i
will ever know
what lightness
feels like again
or if heaviness will
be the eternity i live
in.
a.k. | quarantine poem #1
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i've been drowning
for so long i forgot
the taste of air.
a.k. | untitled
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I am learning
To trust His heart
With each step
I take
Because I know
That it is a good
And pure heart
And that He
Is a good
And loving Father
- a.k. | heart
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To the boy who loves me:
I love Jesus.
I love people.
I like ramen.
I don’t get enough sleep.
I laugh at my own jokes.
Sometimes I get sad and don’t know why.
Sometimes I will need your shoulder to rest my head on because the weight of my thoughts will wear me down.
Sometimes I won’t tell you what’s wrong because there are no words with which to describe it.
I love flowers.
I love the sound of rain.
Poetry makes me giddy.
Injustice angers me.
I can’t wear makeup to save my life.
I love children. So much.
You will have to remind me to put sunscreen on.
I love a lot of things. You will be one of them.
I will get frustrated. Be patient with me.
I will be insecure. Remind me of my strengths and call me out when I am in the wrong.
Buy me coffee. Only decaf because caffeine makes me anxious.
I love books.
I love when someone knows me intimately.
And lastly, love who I am becoming. I am not there yet, but I will be someday.
- a.k.
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Can I hold your hand?
Just for a moment?
Just to know
that your hand fits
into mine.
That I didn’t imagine
the warmth
of another human being.
That I didn’t flinch
when your skin
met mine.
Will you hold my hand?
Will you pretend,
just for a moment
that the warmth
is still there?
Will you not flinch
when my skin
meets yours?
- a.k.
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It’s funny.
I went through
a phase where I
was convinced
I wouldn’t marry,
I wouldn’t have children.
I didn’t want any of it.
And I was content with it.
I was content with being alone.
But then you came along,
and my first thought was
what color dresses
my bridesmaids will wear,
and how many peonies I want
in my bouquet,
and what color tie you will wear.
Now that you’re mine,
in every dream I find myself
saying ‘I do’ in the middle
of a forest, my hands locked
in yours, our lips meeting
as the priest pronounces us
Husband and Wife.
And you know what?
I am in love.
I am not alone.
And I can picture us
married, with two kids.
I can imagine us
going on vacations.
I can imagine waking up
to your face every morning,
and I smile every time.
Because I am in love.
a.k. | what a fickle thing it is, to be in love.
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sometimes love
doesn’t turn out
the way you want
sometimes there
are tears
sometimes there
is laughter
sometimes you have
to let go
to gain what you've
always needed
it wasn’t time
it wasn’t right
but it was good
and i will learn
to bandage my heart
to tie up loose ends
to be slow to speak
slow to act
i will remember
that i am a prize
to be won
not an object
to be glorified
sometimes love
doesn’t work
the way you
want but it
always teaches
you something
and i’ve learned
more than i
ever thought
i would
a.k. | lessons learned as a twenty something
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He kissed me
on the cheek,
called me beautiful,
what am I supposed
to do with that?
a.k. | what happens when love is requited? do i undo the barriers around my heart?
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