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arbiterlexultionis · 7 months

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Poltergeist

So, Danny, who’s blood is composed of mostly caffeine because the Box Ghost just WON’T FUCKING STOP attacking on the middle of the night, God Dammit this is the SEVENTH Time tonight how the Crap Baskets do you keep escaping the Thermos!! So, when he wakes up one morning needing both caffeine and ectoplasm in his sleep deprived state he just mixes a 4 pack of monster and beaker of ectoplasm in a jug and starts chugging to try and get it down before the taste hits and then stops. Takes a sip. Takes another. And realizes that it actually taste way better then either do individually.

So he starts mixing them up regularly, and eventually starts just phasing ectoplasm into still sealed cans so he can grab and go for the sake of convenience. Then some other ghost get a taste, like it, and start asking for more. So Danny gets some new friends and starts making ghost money selling his concoction, and as a joke based on the original name of the energy drink, paints over the can and relabels them Poltergeist.

For a while, business is booming but then a problem pops up. Real world items are contraband in the zone according to Walker, and most of the drink itself and the container it comes in is real world matter. Cue prohibition era shenaniganery as Danny and his allies became energy drink bootleggers, running from Walker, smuggling cases of Poltergeist, hiring ghost to help them with all of this, the whole nine yards.

I think this could work out pretty well with Danny and The Spooks, him and his boys mass producing and shipping out illegal ghost energy drinks could be a really cool plot line in my opinion, producing it, figuring out how to get it to the zone and all that as a group. I also feel this idea is just the right amount of wacky to work with the DP verse and serious/sensible enough to not be complete crack fic unless you want it to be.

When the Fenton’s and Valerie hear about that no good menace Phantom selling Highly Dangerous Ghost Drugs the flip their shit. The smear campaign is the stuff of legends. And then the truth comes out. It’s just a really Really REALLY tired teenager trying to stay awake and make some pocket money to buy first aid supplies and have some left over to buy food for homeless people.

If it’s a verse where Sam and Tucker are in on the whole ghost fighting thing then they are Energy Drink Kingpin Danny’s right and left hand men. Tucker’s the tech guy, figuring out how to build hidden compartments in vehicles to hide the goods, monitoring and screwing with Walker’s tech, managing accounts for human money he makes/figuring out how to exchange human money for Ghost money. Sam is his badass enforcer who keeps the underlings in line, and also uses her money and rich people connections to launder money and stuff. Proper crime boss stuff.

Eventually, everyone’s least favorite front loop catch’s wind of this. And I see this going one of two ways.

1) He comes to the conclusion that Danny’s not aloud to have nice things, and starts his own enterprise to compete with Danny. Stealing business, sabotaging production, tipping off Walker. General douchbaggery.

2) He is the opposite of opposition. He wants Danny as his Son, wants Danny to be just like him, wants to guide and train Danny the way he never got. So Danny, all on his own, building a criminal empire? Pissing off the authorities instead of being a little goody two shoes? Laundering money almost as good as his old man? It is wonderful and he is Here For It. Either he’s in the distance cheering him on or actively trying to help. “No no my boy, if you do it like that you’ll either end up broke or in jail for tax evasion. You’ve got to send your money through these channels and store it in banks of these countries. I’ll help you set up accounts.”

#danny fenton #danny phantom #dp au #fic prompt #story prompt #writing prompt #danny phantom au #Danny’s a crime lord #and he’s bound and determined to make it everyone else’s problem #Frostbite is at first glance the muscles of the organization but then he throws on a lob calf and goes to his lab to cook up better flavors #this is my first to tagging Danny as a Crike Lord it will not be the last #Walker #Walker won’t admit it but he’s absolutely ecstatic about the whole situation #tickled pink beyond belief #His whole Shtick is to be an old timey cop #getting to do all this prohibition stuff is a litter Al dream come true for the guy #Vlad has a foam finger with Number 1 Crime Boss written on it #he’s never bend more proud of his little boy.#Vlad: *Sees Danny monologing to petty ghost criminals that are trying to take his business* I’ve never been prouder #*wipes a tear*

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dc-and-damirae · 8 months

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dick: Is it a crime if I throw salt in someone’s face? I think it would be really funny to do that and then go ‘You look a little salty’ jason: It’s assault. dick: I know it’s a salt, but is it a crime? jason:... how the fuck were you a cop. dick, frantically: can we please not bring that up I wasn't in the best place emotionally! damian: tt' pig

#have to know the law to brake it #dick the cop #the bat boys will never not bring that up #it is their duty as siblings #incorrect dc quotes #incorrect quotes #dc incorrect quotes #dc funny #dc comcis #dc comics #damian wayne #damian al ghul #batfamily #the batfamily #batfam #batfam incorrect quotes #incorrect bat bros #incorrect batboys quotes

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scorpiusmalfoylovesoscarwilde · 1 month

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albus severus is the human embodiment of be gay do crime, in this essay I will-

#shitposting in its rawest form #im right though #this boy saw that phrase said bet and never looked back #harrys a cop its neccesary rebellion #and he is into some dark magic shit i am telling you right now #he has been dabbling #he commits low level crimes on the daily #and is very open to high level crimes when the situation arises 😗😗#source: my brain #also actually the entire fucking play #that is not a teenager who follows rules or makes sound sensible decisions #hes the type of kid to just go out one day and accidentally commit fraud embezzlement buglary and join the mafia or something #half by accident half just cause he felt like it 🤷🏻‍♂️#scorpius is not like this yet is always by als side when hes getting into trouble so he might as well be lmao #the be gay bit is very self explantory #he would commit unspeakable crimes for scorpius which just ties it all together so nicely #scorpius is the source of his gay and his crime 🙏🏻#hashtag soulmates 😍😍#albus severus potter #scorpius malfoy #hpcc #scorbus

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iveneverbeenmorestressedinmylife · 8 months

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#polls #reblogs encouraged and appreaciated. i need people to vote on this thing #στο παρά πέντε #στο παρα πεντε #sto para pente #obs when i say people who have not watched sto para pente i mean all my non greek mutuals and the one (1) greek mut who hasnt watched it #you know who u are #also some context that wouldnt fit in the poll but i think is important:#4 of the protags pretend to be gay in frongt of a cop to keep the 5th one from getting arrestedfor double homicide #and 1 of our main 5 comes out as ace right when they are all tied up in an abandoned storage unit #with a bomb thats about to go off and kill them all <3 #τα παραμιλητά της Αλεξάνδρας #Al's ramblings #all of these are plot points from the actual show except one (1) which i actually stole from a fic <33

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jerseymuppet · 8 months

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I know capcom said that raccoon city is supposed to be somewhere in the midwest but if you expect me to believe that mr. Italian heritage from a crime family TURNED COP is supposed to be from fucking OHIO. *loud buzzer noise* WRONG. raccoon city has to be in south jersey I know this in my heart of hearts

#Leon is literally THEE most stereotypical New Jersey motherfucker EVER #if you told me his family was from bayonne not only would I believe it but it also canonically makes sense #anyway ask me how many of my cousins are cops. also did you know my great grandfather was good close friends with THEE al capone?#relevant to the discussion I need you all to know that I know a New Jersey butch when I see one and I see one in leon #he got that dog in him #jude.txt #resident evil #leon kennedy #*bitch but butch works too tbh

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katiekatdragon27 · 3 days

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I LOVE MIXING FIXATIONS IT'S SO FUN!!!

Dust: An Elysian Tail but Rayman characters let's go😎

After extensive analysis of both games (five minutes of thought), we decided that most (not all) of the Warmbloods are teensies, the Mudpot folk are Glutes, and most (not all) Moonbloods are nightmares.

Here's the more focused roles I have paired for this AU:

Dust -> Rayman

This makes complete sense. Main character who is good at combat and kind at heart. Also has a lot of abilities in general lol

Fidget -> Murfy

I really don't care for Murphy buuuut I won't deny that he reminds me a lot of Fidget. Same vibes, different execution.

Aharah -> Maybe Ly?? Maybe Polokus???

That's cuz my man is a talking sword. He helps Dust with combat and advice cuz he's cool like that.

"See how lifelike it is?" (Ugly ass murphy plush)

"Oooh! Campfire fuel~"

Ginger -> Goth Teensy

This is a mix of personal hcs and just cuz vibes lol. Both are angsting and have affiliations with the opposing groups in the series. (Goth with the Livid Dead door, Ginger with the Moonbloods).

"And who are you really? The last time I saw a thingamajig was when my brother died!"

Sereth -> The First King

This one was a little more difficult to decide, but I like this choice lol. The First King being a dream and nightmare creature in all technicality that I would imagine has a similar personality to Sereth is fun. Also he's a little scary looking, which works with canon. Also his eyes are glossed over so it looks like the Sereth's glowing eyes.

"I am here to serve~"

BELOW ARE SPOILERS FOR DUST: AN ELYSIAN TAIL!! PLEAAAAAAAASE PLAY THE GAME OR WATCH A PLAYTHROUGH OR SOMETHING BEFORE LOOKING AT THESE I BEG!!! I DON'T WANT TO RUIN THE TWIST FOR Y'ALL!!

Now that that's out of the way, here are the spoiler doodles.

Can you-c-can you guess who Rayman was created from?

Can you can you?

That's right!

THE MAGICIANS!!

"Forever in battle. Forever at odds."

When I made this decision I felt so smart. They're the same name, same vibes, and the idea that Rayman got his whimsicalness from the Magician and the violent tendencies of Ales makes so much sense to me.

"Only impossible for a creature with a single soul."

"I am Rayman."

Also I get to draw him with the teensy boba eyes, which is a win for me.

I'll probably make more stuff for this cuz I really like this idea. The story will have creative liberties though for character motivation, but that's not too important lol.

Have a lovely day fellas :)))

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nickmikeoneshot · 1 year

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“In another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry… and taxes with you.”

#everything everywhere all at once #eeaao #heat #heat 1995 #once upon a time in america #c'era una volta in america #noodles and max #reservoir dogs #freddy/larry #freddy newandyke #i'm a cop larry #de niro / al pacino #robert de niro #al pacino #christopher walken #the deer hunter

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livuvur · 11 months

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Genuinely nothing in fma will ever be funnier than when Russell, not knowing the elric brothers were on the military's top public enemies list, pretended to be Ed so he could get some books for free and the librarian called the cops on him and Fletcher

#LIKE GENUINELY THAT SHITBWAS SO FUNNY AND THEN THE COPS ARREST THEM BOTH AMDB THEY SEE FLETCHER AND THEYRE LIKE #“WAS THE YOUNGER BROTHER ALWAYS THIS SMALL???” LIKE THEYVE NEVER SEEN AL LMAOOO I FUCKING DIED #fullmetal alchemist #fma 03 #russell tringham #fletcher tringham

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blood-choke · 5 months

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hiiii… i wanted to ask more about this particular val scene where mc and her talk about that portrait and mc is a bit stuck on the word husband and wants val to know theyre not a man. can i ask what inspired that type of convo? i wanted to know if it’s something you’ll touch up on again? is this underlying feelings mc had before their entombment… worried that val sees them as a man just because mc is masc? cause i know that’s kind of broader discussion in the lesbian community iirc….. was that why you wanted to incorporate it? this ask has so many questions LOL but basically i wanted to say i was intrigued and it did made me think more on those type of dynamics (thinking back to those resources you rb’d a while ago that go more into depth about diff things in the lesbian community)

oh boy get ready for another long-winded answer from me!

a lot of the feelings mc has about their gender are inspired by Leslie Feinberg's work (mainly Stone Butch Blues)

Feinberg was someone who lived & passed as a man for years of hir life, and wrote a lot about the complexities of hir gender and what it was like being a "gender outlaw."

there was actually a scene in particular from sbb that kinda put the kernel of an idea in my mind that led to this narrative of the mc feeling overshadowed by Standard and anxious about being perceived as a man. it's towards the end of the book when Jess (sbb's protagonist) meets Ruth (a trans woman that Jess falls in love with)

Jess offers to help Ruth carry groceries up to her apartment, and Ruth takes this the wrong way & is offended, partly because she thinks Jess is a man.

One Saturday afternoon I found her clutching two huge bags of groceries and fumbling with the downstairs front-door lock. I pulled out my key.

“Here, let me.” She didn’t say thank you. She hurried ahead of me on the stairs.

“Can I help you carry those?” I offered.

“Do I look weak to you?” she asked.

I stopped on the stairs. “No. Where I come from it’s just a sign of respect, that’s all.”

She continued up the stairs. “Well, where I come from,” she called out, “men don’t reward women for pretending to be helpless.” Once I heard her apartment door close I kicked the stair in anger and frustration.

later, after they get to know each other better, they have this interaction:

I laughed and picked at my salad. “Do you know if I’m a man or a woman?”

“No,” Ruth said. “That’s why I know so much about you.”

I sighed. “Did you think I was a man when you first met me?" She nodded. "Yes. At first I thought you were a straight man. Then I thought you were gay. It’s been a shock for me to realize that even I make assumptions about sex and gender that aren’t true. I thought I was liberated from all of that.”

I smiled. “I didn’t want you to think I was a man. I wanted you to see how much more complicated I am. I wanted you to like what you saw.”

i think the inspiration here is quite obvious, hahaha. i figure anyone that's read sbb can sense the similar through-line here in my work. though the conversation between mc and Valentina has a much different tone.

there's another scene later as well after something happens to Jess and she has to have her jaw wired shut. she's working at a new job and is unable to speak, and she's also passing as a man at this job. she overhears some of her female coworkers talking about her and they refer to her as a "creep" and speculate that she's always watching one of them. Jess overhears all of this and then walks out of the job, goes home and pulls the wires out of her mouth herself:

After I was sure I’d gotten the last piece of wire out of my gums, I rinsed my mouth with whiskey and then drank the rest of it so I could sleep without remembering how Marija’s words had stripped me of my humanity.

butches & gnc women still face this kind of dehumanization; compared or likened to men in a derogatory way, accused of being "heteropatriarchal," the predatory stereotype of the fat ugly lesbian, and on the other side they're also hypersexualized, especially online and in queer spaces. butchphobia is a specific kind of misogyny that hits from all sides, even from the people that are supposed to be a part of your community. and this attitude especially effects trans women and women of color, who are already experiencing all of these things due to transmisogyny and racism.

i also really wanted to use this to touch on the kind of gender essentialism that we see in a lot of these cis feminist discussions - to these women at this job, Jess had committed no real crime other than being quiet and being the “wrong” kind of man. something about this scene has always stuck with me and really bothered me, but it's hard to put into words; on one hand i can admit i have probably been one of those women who made some kind of similar remark about a man i barely knew, but i've also been someone on the receiving end, too, because of the way i look. the mc in blood choke is put into this box, but they can't fit in, as someone who has been on both sides and doesn't really understand where they belong because of it; how can she stand beside Valentina or Hana or Clear when they might see her as a perpetrator, someone who can't be trusted? how does this mindset harm both the women and the men of the council and everyone in between? how can we break this cycle?

one of the films i mentioned recently when talking about the character designs was The Same Difference, which is specifically about the Black lesbian community and the discrimination within that community based upon gender roles (though this is not something limited to just the Black lesbian community)

a lot of the women in that doc talk about the boxes they're put in as AG or stud lesbians - they can't have their hair long, they can't wear makeup, they can't do this or that, they have to be aggressive and hard or else they're not real studs. they discuss stud on stud (or butch4butch) and how other lesbians look down on those types of lesbians, as well as the disdain for bisexual women for "betraying" the community. it explores the way misogyny and the patriarchy still oppress these women and forces them into this restrictive gender role despite their refusal to adhere to the other role originally assigned to them, and the way racism specifically intersects and exacerbates it for Black lesbians. there's a stud that's an exotic dancer and wears a weave, and a lot of other studs have a problem with this because a weave is "a female thing." another section follows a pregnant stud, and how the community shuns her for that, because she "dresses like a man and acts like a man" so why is she getting pregnant when she should be "the man"?

mc doesn't remember how they felt before entombment, but waking up they feel this need to prove themselves - both in that they are hard and aggressive like a butch should be, but also in that they want to be this person for Valentina or Clear or Hana (or all of them) that is safe and comforting. but they aren't sure how to do that when the world perceives them as this one specific thing - as a husband, as Standard, as a man, specifically this man who hurt Valentina.

of course we've already seen this to not be true of the companions with the last chapter as the mc learns more and spends more time with everyone. but this is kind of the foundation of where this whole idea came from. it started with my novel & i chose vampires for that story & this one because there is a long history of lesbian vampirism (and also because it's sexy) but there's this "curse" that both Hana & Valerie talk about in their respective stories, the first one being the racism she's had to face, the transphobia, along with this alienation and perception of lesbians as predatory and conniving and aggressive, as vampires, which i just think really lends itself to expanding upon these issues lesbians & trans women face both in general and within the community.

anyways if you want to read more i suggest Stone Butch Blues, which you can get for free on Leslie Feinberg's website, as well as S/he, by Minnie Bruce Pratt, available on the internet archive, Gender Failure by Ivan E. Coyote & Rae Spoon also on the internet archive, and you can rent The Same Difference for $10 on vimeo.

#im gonna be real idk if this makes sense to anyone but me. lmfao #but basically leslie feinberg is a huge inspiration for me #and just exploring the way homophobia and transphobia and misogyny all intersect when someone is gnc #and the expectations put on them #i think about butch al a lot and the things she says to jess and the way that section of the book plays out #and then in the end when the cops raid the bar #al and jess are fags except for what the cops did to al and the way they dehumanize her #how the mc is considered a man in certain instances - when the girls throw a brick at her or when the woman yells at her in the bathroom #or when atlas shakes hands with her and calls her their man #but other times she's a 'proper lady' with V or when that man gives her and Hana a dirty look in the elevator #or when cassius says 'ladies first'#mc is always one or the other whatever is convenient and degrades her the most in the moment #you know?#i dont know. im just saying stuff #basically i want to explore these gendered expectations & stereotypes and how they harm someone vulnerable like mc #how they feel alienated even from V & hana & clear for not being butch enough #but also for being butch and trans in the first place and feeling like an infiltrator #ask #anonymous

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teecupangel · 7 months

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A red and white fallout Deathclaw Desmond?

There’s actually a white Deathclaw, with the redness all over it being the blood vessels: the Albino Deathclaw in Fallout 4. They’re considered to be intelligent so it would be fun to make Desmond an Albino Deathclaw.

As usual, the device is the reason why Desmond became a deathclaw and they’re transported into the past during the process of keeping them alive (perhaps his DNA had been mixed with Juno and Aita’s experiments of fusing creatures and humans?).

His huge stature and unique appearance makes it hard for him to remain hidden and he would be seen as a monster, perhaps even the devil himself.

And so he was hunted and it was by luck that he was captured.

For the soldiers of the Crusaders and their knights chased him and pushed him into walking into their trap. The trap itself had been easy to get away from.

But it led him directly into a small village.

And Desmond had spent too much time trying to keep the panicking villagers from getting trampled by the horses of the knights that he…

… got captured by not other than Robert de Sablé.

And now…

He was locked in a cage, just outside of Solomon’s Temple.

Unable to do anything but grab onto the metal every so often in hopes of bending the metal and finally making his escape.

It was a slow ongoing process as he needed to make sure he didn’t make any large sounds that would tip off the men stationed near him.

And just as he was about to finally attain freedom…

That’s when he heard the sounds.

Shouting…

Everyone drew their swords.

And…

Two men clad in the Assassin robes of the Levantine Brotherhood ran out of the temple, their white robes dirtied with dirt and blood.

One holding onto a bloody arm.

And the other…

… drew his sword, his hand trembling for a moment before the resolve in his face appeared in the steadiness of his hand, “Go, brother! I’ll distract them!”

“No, Kadar!”

“Brother, please! I have the highest chance of surviving between us! Go!”

Just as the older one give his brother a stricken look before running…

Just as the soldiers and knights all around them charged…

Desmond let out a mighty roar and broke the cage…

… charged the soldiers…

And…

Changed Kadar Al-Sayf’s fate.

#desmond is turned into a creature subgenre #deathclaw desmond #i just think it would be funny #if kadar has a buddy-cop type of relationship #with a deathclaw desmond #of course malik suffers as usual #assassin's creed #ask and answer #desmond miles #teecup writes/has a plot #fic idea: assassin's creed #kadar al sayf #malik al sayf

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5eraphim · 9 months

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tf2 mercs: least to most fun to go shoplifting with-

(unedited/rent lowering gunshot post)

10. Heavy

he’s not too observant and can’t help but draw attention, though it’s unlikely anyone would try to stop him even if he was caught trying to make a get away.

while he might not stop you, he wouldn’t encourage this kind of behavior. in his eyes it’s just a silly way to get into trouble, and has a hard time understanding the appeal of this.

he’s a hunter, not a gatherer an is at a natural disadvantage here. heavy is a simple man, he lives within his means, and is content to abstain from this practice.

9. Engineer

like heavy, engie doesn’t really get the appeal, but would be able to get away with stealing way easier than heavy.

he was probably brought up taught this sort of thing was very, very wrong and disrespectful to the employees or something- or like, maybe he was caught when he was really young trying to steal idk, a toy or a snack or something in school and got in trouble and he’s never been able to shake the guilt. (he’s not a cop or anything, but would have the “I’m not mad, just disappointed” reaction if you were to proposition going lifting with him. and if he were to see a stranger trying to get away with stealing, he’s not gonna snitch.)

he’s always wearing those overalls and his work belt, so theoretically, he could empty all those out and go in with a ton of free pocket-space. he’s also on the shorter side and could easily keep his hands below the employee’s eye level.

might have a bit of fun tinkering with ways to disable security mechanisms. might randomly decide to disable a bunch of security devices and walk out without taking anything with him. just to sow a little chaos for funsies.

ok with stealing things like food if he were in an extreme situation, so long as you were stealing from some corporate chain store, and not a smaller independent location.

8. Soldier

HE IS NOT SNEAKY, HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE SNEAKY, PLEASE DO NOT MAKE HIM BE SNEAKY

the best strategy you could hope to use with him would be to just straight up ask him to go beat the fuck out of the cashier while you grab what you want and make a run for it.

7. Pyro

it’d be fun to convince them to do this with you by pretending it’s all some game, and whoever can walk away with the most without getting caught is the winner.

when you put it to them like that, they can do quite well for themself, but prefers to stick closer to you, rather than stray too far on their own. it’s impossible to get much of a bounty with pyro, but they want to win the “game” so earnestly it’s hard not to have a good time despite the lack of reward.

always rips off soft security tags, but also likes to wear them on their clothes like stickers, completely defeating the point and getting caught as a result.

6. Spy

realistically, he’d be the best lifting partner you could ever hope for, but he’s too aware of this and would be really fucking annoying about it. you would walk away with some great loot for sure, but that doesn’t exactly mean it would be fun.

exclusively goes for ridiculously expensive items he hardly even wants or would realistically use. he doesn’t even really have anything to prove, he just does this for the bragging rights.

spy knows he has the huge advantage of being the kind of person sales associates wouldn’t assume would try to steal, even if he doesn’t want to admit it.

to people he doesn’t know- he’ll lie and say he paid for all his luxuries bc he can afford it, but people who are tighter with him know he’s stolen a decent amount of his finer treasures.

5. Sniper

he lives in a campervan and doesn’t have too much space for cargo/personal belongings, but he’d really be in his element here, even if he doesn’t completely get the point of “the fun of stealing for the sake of stealing”

while he’s sneaky, he’s also real lanky, and would draw attention on account of being so tall, making him a solid diversion.

he’s pretty fun to go out with, but he also only wants to go out once in a blue moon, so you’d better savor the time with him while it lasts. (he was simply not built to compute with capitalism, though he can handle small doses for the sake of a good time)

4. Scout

he’s done this all before. scout’s the little guy and has always felt the need to prove himself, especially to his older brothers/teammates/friends growing up. scout was probably hazed/dared into stealing a lot during childhood and adolescence, and has gotten remarkably good with practice. (unfortunately much like spy, he too knows he’s really good at this and won’t shut up about it.)

as the one who’s been at this forever, he likely has his own hook, a neodymium magnet, and is really good at the tinfoil trick. (you know he’s got them fast lil’ fingies)

he’s surprisingly good at keeping his tracks covered and getting away with stealing. excels with a blitzkrieg, “get in quick, get out quicker” strategy. he’s not in it to steal expensive things, just likes to stir up a little trouble every now and then.

though, with all that said, just because he’d be great at shoplifting, he’d also be great at getting himself caught. he’s the biggest braggard, and would be way too likely to get cocky and brag about his heist before it’s over, and get himself caught and banned.

he’d be the most apt to, and grateful to accept gifts from you if he knew they were stolen. likes the idea you’d risk getting in trouble for him, and would want to try and one up you, and get you something he stole himself.

3. Demo

he wouldn’t exactly be good at this, but it would be fun. he wouldn’t shoplift alone, but is into the idea of doing it in a pack, or just with you.

realistically, he’d get a couple lifts in before he starts to get overconfident and gets himself and everyone he’s with caught.

specializes in liquor lifting, but likes to pick up little gifts for his buddies. (maybe one of the only guys who genuinely likes to gift stolen goods, rather than receive them.)

having one eye puts him at a serious disadvantage here, and he’s not too sneaky, but he’s usually pretty good at scoping out the area before trying to make his move.

2. Medic

able to strike a perfect balance of stealing expensive items, but wouldn’t take himself too seriously, and wants to have a good time above all. it’ not about stealing expensive things, so much as it is about getting loot from as many different locations as possible.

he’d likely have the coolest little cashe of the weirdest stuff he’s stolen. he’s much like a magpie in that sense, medic likes the idea of pilfering and bringing treasures back to his “nest” and having his own little secret hoard. (he likes stealing and gifting for others too, but prefers to be able to keep what he takes)

his morality is completely relative and fickle- there’s no way he would have reservations about stealing from corporations or “big money” stores, or just about anywhere he thinks he could get away with

would hide stuff in his underwear bc he is a WHORE

1. Miss Pauling

would be the most fun to go shoplifting with. she has so much stress to burn off from work, and she could have a lot of fun winding down from a long day of mortal sin and heavy crime with some lighthearted crime.

would be willing to get tipsy or stoned before going out because she’s more interested in having a good time, rather than the bounty itself.

she’s feral, she’s evil, you know her hunter-gatherer instincts go fucking CRAZY.

women be shopping

#this is all a joke please don't take this seriously #this is a morally neutral post #tf2 x reader #x reader #shitpost #self ship #crack post #selfship #this is for al the people telling me i only write boring goodguy readers i hope you lot are happy now #all mercs #istg if anyone starts acting like a cop in the replies-#i WILL yoink you

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mostlysignssomeportents · 5 months

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Next Tuesday (December 5), I'm at Flyleaf Books in Chapel Hill, NC, with my new solarpunk novel The Lost Cause, which 350.org's Bill McKibben called "The first great YIMBY novel: perceptive, scientifically sound, and extraordinarily hopeful."b

Once again, I greet the weekend with more assorted links than I can fit into my nearly-daily newsletter, so it's time for another linkdump. This is my eleventh such assortment; here are the previous volumes:

https://pluralistic.net/tag/linkdump/

I've written a lot about Biden's excellent appointees, from his National Labor Relations Board general counsel Jennifer Abruzzo to Consumer Financial Protection Bureau chair Rohit Chopra to FTC Chair Lina Khan to DoJ antitrust boss Jonathan Kanter:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/09/14/prop-22-never-again/#norms-code-laws-markets

But I've also written a bunch about how Biden's appointment strategy is an incoherent mess, with excellent appointees picked by progressives on the Unity Task Force being cancelled out by appointees given to the party's reactionary finance wing, producing a muddle that often cancels itself out:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/11/08/fiduciaries/#but-muh-freedumbs

It's not just that the finance wing of the Democrats chooses assholes (though they do!), it's that they choose comedic bunglers. The Dems haven't put anyone in government who's as much of an embarrassment as George Santos, but they keep trying. The latest self-inflicted Democratic Party injury is Prashant Bhardjwan, a serial liar and con-artist who is, incredibly, the Biden Administration's pick to oversee fintech for the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC):

https://www.americanbanker.com/news/did-the-occ-hire-a-con-artist-to-oversee-fintech

When the 42 year old Bhardjwan was named Deputy Comptroller and Chief Financial Technology Officer for OCC, the announcement touted his "nearly 30 years of experience serving in a variety of roles across the financial sector." Apparently Bhardjwan joined the finance sector at the age of 12. He's the Doogie Houser of Wall Street:

https://www.occ.gov/news-issuances/news-releases/2023/nr-occ-2023-31.html

That wasn't the only lie on Bhardjwan's CV. He falsely claimed to have served as CIO of Fifth Third Bank from 2006-2010. Fifth Third has never heard of him:

https://www.theinformation.com/articles/the-occ-crowned-its-first-chief-fintech-officer-his-work-history-was-a-web-of-lies

Bhardjwan told a whole slew of these easily caught lies, suggesting that OCC didn't do even a cursory background search on this guy before putting him in charge of fintech – that is, the radioactively scammy sector that gave us FTX and innumerable crypto scams, to say nothing of the ever-sleazier payday lending sector:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/05/01/usury/#tech-exceptionalism

When it comes to appointing corrupt officials, the Biden administration has lots of company. Lots of eyebrows went up when the UN announced that the next climate Conference of the Parties (COP) would be chaired by Sultan Ahmed Al-Jaber, who is also the chair of Dubai's national oil company. Then the other shoe dropped: leaks revealed that Al-Jaber had colluded with the Saudis to use COP28 to get poor Asian and African nations hooked on oil:

https://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-67508331

There's an obvious reason for this conspiracy: the rich world is weaning itself off of fossil fuels. Today, renewables are vastly cheaper than oil and there's no end in sight to the plummeting costs of solar, wind and geothermal. While global electrification faces powerful logistical and material challenges, these are surmountable. Electrification is a solvable problem:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/12/09/practical-visionary/#popular-engineering

And once we do solve that problem, we will forever transform our species' relationship to energy. As Deb Chachra explains in her brilliant new book How Infrastructure Works, we would only need to capture 0.4% of the solar radiation that reaches the Earth's surface to give every person on earth the energy budget of a Canadian (AKA, a "cold American"):

https://pluralistic.net/2023/10/17/care-work/#charismatic-megaprojects

If COP does its job, we will basically stop using oil, forever. This is an existential threat to the ruling cliques of petrostates from Canada to the UAE to Saudi. As Bill McKibben writes, this isn't the first time a monied rich-world industry that had corrupted its host governments faced a similar crisis:

https://billmckibben.substack.com/p/a-corrupted-cop

Big Tobacco spent decades fueling science denial, funneling money to sellout scientists who deliberately cast doubt on both sound science and the very idea that we could know anything. As Tim Harford describes in The Data Detective, Darrell Huff's 1954 classic How to Lie With Statistics was part of a tobacco-industry-funded project to undermine faith in statistics itself (the planned sequel was called How To Lie With Cancer Statistics):

https://pluralistic.net/2021/01/04/how-to-truth/#harford

But anything that can't go on forever will eventually stop. When the families of the people murdered by tobacco disinformation campaigns started winning eye-popping judgments against the tobacco industry, the companies shifted their marketing to the Global South, on the theory that they could murder poor brown people with impunity long after rich people in the north forced an end to their practice. Big Tobacco had a willing partner in Uncle Sam for this project: the US Trade Representative arm-twisted the world's poorest countries into accepting "Investor-State Dispute Settlements" as part of their treaties. These ISDS clauses allowed tobacco companies to sue governments that passed tobacco control legislation and force them to reverse their democratically enacted laws:

https://ash.org/what-is-isds-and-what-does-it-mean-for-tobacco-control/

As McKibben points out, the oil/climate-change playbook is just an update to the tobacco/cancer-denial conspiracy (indeed, the same think-tanks and PR agencies are behind both). The "Oil Development Sustainability Programme" – the Orwellian name the Saudis gave to their plan to push oil on poor countries – maps nearly perfectly onto Big Tobacco's attack on the Global South. Nearly perfectly: second-hand smoke in Indonesia won't give Americans cancer, but convincing Africa to go hard on fossil fuels will contribute to an uninhabitable planet for everyone, not just poor people.

This is an important wrinkle. Wealthy countries have repeatedly demonstrated a deep willingness to profit from death and privation in the poor world – but we're less tolerant when it's our own necks on the line.

What's more, it's far easier to put the far-off risks of emissions out of your mind than it is to ignore the present-day sleaze and hypocrisy of corporate crooks. When I quit smoking, 23 years ago, my doctor told me that if my only motivation was avoiding cancer 30 years from now, I'd find it hard to keep from yielding to temptation as withdrawal set in. Instead, my doctor counseled me to find an immediate reason to stay off the smokes. For me, that was the realization that every pack of cigarettes I bought was enriching the industry that invented the denial playbook that the climate wreckers were using to render our planet permanently unsuited for human habitation. Once I hit on that, resisting tobacco got much easier:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/06/03/i-quit/

Perhaps OPEC Secretary General Haitham Al-Ghais is worried about that the increasing consensus that Big Oil cynically and knowingly created this crisis. That would explain his new flight of absurdity, claiming that the world is being racist to oil companies, "unjustly vilifying" the industry for its role in the climate emergency:

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/11/27/opec-says-oil-industry-unjustly-vilified-ahead-of-climate-talks-.html

Words aren't deeds, but words have power. The way we talk about things makes a difference to how we act on those things. When discussions of Israel-Palestine get hung up on words, it's easy to get frustrated. The labels we apply to the rain of death and the plight of hostages are so much less important than the death and the hostages themselves.

But how we name the thing will have an enormous impact on what happens next. Take the word "genocide," which Israel hawks insist must not be applied to the bombing campaign and siege in Gaza, nor to the attacks on Palestinians in the West Bank. On this week's On The Media, Brooke Gladstone interviews Ernesto Verdeja, executive director of The Institute for the Study of Genocide:

https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/otm/segments/genocide-powerful-word-so-why-its-definition-so-controversial-on-the-media

Verdeja lays out the history of the word "genocide" and connects it to the Israeli government and military's posture on Palestine and Palestinians, and concludes that the only real dispute among genocide scholars is whether the current campaign it itself an act of genocide, or a prelude to an act of genocide.

I'm not a genocide scholar, but I am a Jew who has always believed in Palestinian solidarity, and Verdeja's views do not strike me as outrageous, or (more importantly) antisemitic. The conflation of opposition to Israel's system of apartheid with opposition to Jews is a cheap trick, one that's belied by Israel itself, where there is a vast, longstanding political opposition to Israeli occupation, settlements, and military policing. Are all those Israeli Jews secret antisemites?

Jews are not united in support for Israel's oppression of Palestinians. The hardliners who insist that any criticism of Israel is antisemitic are peddling an antisemitic lie: that all Jews everywhere are loyal to Israel, and that we all take our political positions from the Knesset. Israel hawks only strengthen that lie when they accuse me and my fellow Jews of being "self-hating Jews."

This leads to the absurd circumstance in which gentiles police Jews' views on Israel. It's weird enough when white-nationalist affiliated evangelicals who support Israel in order to further the end-times prophesied in Revelations slam Jews for being antisemitic. But in Germany, it's even weirder. There, regional, non-Jewish officials charged with policing antisemitism have censured Jewish groups for adopting policies on Israel that mainstream Israeli political parties have in their platforms:

https://jewishcurrents.org/the-strange-logic-of-germanys-antisemitism-bureaucrats

Antisemitism is real. As Jesse Brown describes in his recent Canadaland editorial, there is a real and documented rise in racially motivated terror against Jews in Canada, including school shootings and a firebombing. Likewise, it's true that some people who support the Palestinian cause are antisemites:

https://www.canadaland.com/podcast/is-jesse-a-zionist-editorial/

But to stand in horror at Israel's military action and its vast civilian death-toll is not itself antisemitic. This is obvious – so obvious that the need to say it is a tribute to Israel hardliners – Jewish and gentile – and their ability to peddle the racist lie that Israel is Jews and Jews are Israel, and that every Jew is in support of, and responsible for, Israeli war-crimes and crimes against humanity.

One need not choose between opposition to Hamas and its terror and opposition to Israel and its bombings. There is no need for a hierarchy of culpability. As Naomi Klein says, we can "side with the child over the gun":

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/oct/11/why-are-some-of-the-left-celebrating-the-killings-of-israeli-jews

Moral consistency is not moral equivalency. If you're a Jew like me who wants to work for an end to the occupation and peace in the region, you could join Jewish Voice For Peace (like me):

https://www.jewishvoiceforpeace.org

Now, for a jarring tone shift. In these weekend linkdumps, I put a lot of thought into how to transition from one subject to the next, but honestly, there's no good transition from Israel-Palestine to anything else (yet – though someday, perhaps). So let's just say, "word games can be important, but they can also be trivial, and here are a few of the latter."

Start with a goodie, from the always brilliant medievalist Eleanor Janeaga, who tackles the weirdos who haunt social media in order to dump on people with PhDs who call themselves "doctor":

https://going-medieval.com/2023/11/29/doctor-does-actually-mean-someone-with-a-phd-sorry/

Janega points out that the "doctor" honorific was applied to scholars for centuries before it came to mean "medical doctor." But beyond that, Janega delivers a characteristically brilliant history of the (characteristically) weird and fascinating tale of medieval scholarship. Bottom line, we call physicians "doctor" because they wanted to be associated with the brilliance of scholars, and thought that being addressed as "doctor" would add to their prestige. So yeah, if you've got a PhD, you can call yourself doctor.

It's not just doctors; the professions do love their wordplay. especially lawyers. This week on Lowering The Bar, I learned about "a completely ludicrous court fight that involved nine law firms that combined for 66 pages of briefing, declarations, and exhibits, all inflicted on a federal court":

https://www.loweringthebar.net/2023/11/federal-court-ends-double-spacing-fight.html

The dispute was over the definition of "double spaced." You see, the judge in the case told counsel they could each file briefs of up to 100 pages of double-spaced type. Yes, 100 pages! But apparently, some lawyer burn to write fat trilogies, not mere novellas. Defendants accused the plaintiffs in this case of spacing their lines a mere 24 points apart, which allowed them to sneak 27 lines of type onto each page, while defendants were confined to the traditional 23 lines.

But (the court found), the defendants were wrong. Plaintiffs had used Word's "double-spacing" feature, but had not ticked the "exact double spacing" box, and that's how they ended up with 27 lines per page. The court refused to rule on what constituted "double-spacing" under the Western District of Tennessee’s local rules, but it ruled that the plaintiffs briefs could fairly be described as "double-spaced." Whew.

That's your Saturday linkdump, jarring tone-shift and all. All that remains is to close out with a cat photo (any fule kno that Saturday is Caturday). Here's Peeve, whom I caught nesting most unhygienically in our fruit bowl last night. God, cats are gross:

https://www.flickr.com/photos/doctorow/53370882459/

It's EFF's Power Up Your Donation Week: this week, donations to the Electronic Frontier Foundation are matched 1:1, meaning your money goes twice as far. I've worked with EFF for 22 years now and I have always been - and remain - a major donor, because I've seen firsthand how effective, responsible and brilliant this organization is. Please join me in helping EFF continue its work!

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/12/02/melange/#defendants_motion_to_require_adherence_with_formatting_requirements_of_local_rule_7.1

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