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I want to smoke, I never did in my life. Although my father smokes a lot. One day this very old lady was smoking a cigarette with the cherry aroma thingie, and she blew the smoke on me literally on my face. I am addicted ever since, never looked at the cigarette part in the stores, i know I will go and get something similar. And kill myself with it. I know I shouldn’t, but oh it’s getting so overwhelming that I want to smoke, and I want to drink. I want to lose myself…

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           Jungkook had come home swinging, already shots deep by eight o’clock, he was pissed and lost and dangerously sad. The pain of their latest contract signing, at which he’d offered to use blood if it would please Bang, had left him feeling empty. He always trusted Namjoon, Yoongi and Jin. He always believed they had his best interest at heart, that their decisions reflected their collective protectiveness over him.

          But he was wrong.

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Chapter 36 is out!!!!!

Before we go into the chapter, we would like to thank Nicoll for the new artwork. It’s absolutely gorgeous. You have to see his work. Amazing!!!! We dedicate this chapter to him.

Here goes…..

1st March 2016

A shrill sound wakes me up from slumber. It takes a few seconds for me to realise my phone is ringing. I turn away from the sound.

“Not the time for this. Please stop.” I whisper.

I groan as I blindly reach for the phone on my bed, patting empty spots beside me.

“Damn it.” I whisper. “Where are you?”

I wince as I open my eyes, letting the ache behind my eyes fade before I turn my head. The ringing stops and I sigh in relief, sinking my face into a soft pillow as I slide my hand under the soft pillow willing my eyes to close off back to dreamland.

The shrill sound returns seconds later, louder than before. I shriek and push the pillows on the empty side of the bed away, revealing the sort after dark gadget.

“Finally.” I whisper as I grab my phone, squinting my eyes against the brightness .

“Hello.” I answer. “This better be an emergency. I need my beauty sleep.”

“Hey.”

My eyes widen, thought of sleep forgotten.

“Ian?”

“Yeah.”

“Hey… What time is it?”

“Two am. Could you come downstairs?”

“You’re here?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Sure. I’ll be right down.”

I get off my bed and groan as I feel the world spin under my feet.

“Whoa Sonia.”

I reach out blindly in the dark for the switch, closing my eyes and letting the room flood with light before I slowly open my eyes again.

I grab my flip flops from beside the bed and rush out of the bedroom. I don’t bother locking the flat as I leave, it’s late, surely a thief wouldn’t want to rob me while I’m less than a minute away. I make my way to the car park as fast as my legs can take me, taking deep breaths to help me keep steady.

I catch sight of Ian standing right by the main door to the flat building. The sight of him makes my heart race; after our argument seeing him standing outside my flat gives me a sense of relief. Ian couldn’t leave without seeing me. We are still okay. I step outside into the cool air, standing across him with the door between us as I lean into the door frame.

“Hey.” I whisper.

“Hi.”

“Dressed and ready to go I see.” I tell him as I notice his outfit.

“Yeah.”

“Aren’t you a bit too warm?” I ask. “That shirt is too thick to be worn on a day like this.”

“I know but no. It’s going to be cold so I need to be prepared.” He responds. “Did you just dress up when I called or you didn’t take a bath when you got home?”

He noticed. So like Ian. After the day, and night I’ve had changing into my pyjamas wasn’t in my plans when I got home.

“I got home late and I didn’t change. Got home straight to bed.” I respond.

“Busy day?” Ian asks.

My thoughts stray to Leon who I kept company in the hotel bar for hours. This is his fault. Never drinking with the man again.

“Busy day.” I repeat. “Super busy day.”

Our eyes meet and in that moment looking at him my eyes well up with tears. The love of my life is leaving me and I can’t stop him. All I can do is wait for him to come home. For now I’ll have to manage all on my own. Maybe him leaving is a good thing, we can think about our choices and the path before us. Maybe this is the best thing for us, but I can’t let him leave without my blessings.

“I’m sorry.” I start. “I’m sorry I made it seem I didn’t want you to go. I’m sorry I came out selfish.”

He exhales and shakes his head.

“You weren’t.” Ian responds. “I know you’re worried. It’s impromptu but I must go. For my family’s sake I must.”

“I know. I understand.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t pick up your calls. I figured seeing you in person would be better. Didn’t want to leave without seeing you.”

“I’m happy you’re here. Means a lot to me.”

“Sonia, I want you to know that I’ll be back. Sooner than you know.”

“I know.” I smile, as the tears drop down my cheeks. “I know.”

“You and I are forever babe.”

“I know.”

“I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.”

He closes the gap between us and embraces me. I’ll miss having his arms around me.

“I’ll call when I get there. Skype or something.” He says.

I nod quickly against his chest.

“I love you Sonia.”

“I love you too Ian.”

I place my hands on his chest and look up at him. His hands grab my face and he kisses me, soft and slow.

He pulls away slowly his eyes still on me.

“I have to go. I’ll call you.” He says.

“Sure.”

His hands slide down my arms.

I watch him walk away from me and to a car parked a row away. I stand by the door until his car drives out of the parking lot before I head back to my flat tears rolling down my cheeks.

*******

I lift my left hand and touch his face in the darkness, I can make out each inch of his face. That’s what love is about getting to know your partner inside out. My palm brushes his lips and I close my eyes as I feel his teeth graze the soft skin.

His hand moves my hand away from his face and slides to my face. He grabs my chin gently. In the darkness surrounding us all I can feel is his breath on my face. So many moments like that and I can’t help but imagine the version of me that he’s taken to bed before. I hope that version of me is one of the best ones, the one he’s thinking of right this moment. His other hand slides up my thigh, slowly as if he has all the time in the world. His hand caressing it’s way higher gently like I’m his canvas and he an artist.

He moves off me sleeping on his side as his hands grab me, in an instant I’m facing him on my side with my leg over his hip. His hand slides under my head moving my closer to him, face to face, my breath and his mingling into one like the bond we have. His breaths get heavier as I feel his lips brush across my lips. I place my hand on the back of his head and pull him closer merging our lips.

“I love you Mable.” He says against my lips as his free hand grabs my butt.

“I love you too Chinyama.”

His hands still.

“What’s wrong Chinyama?” I ask.

I lean in closer to kiss him and he abruptly moves himself away from me as my lips land on his pillow. He slides his arm from under my head and I feel the bed shift under his weight as he moves away. I hear his footsteps on the carpet before lights flood the room suddenly and I close my eyes, groaning.

“Open your eyes Mable.”

“Gosh Chinyama you could have warned me about the light you know.”

“Open your eyes Mable.”

I feel the bed shift in weight again as his body slides in closer to me again. I open my eyes and gasp.

“What the hell?” I scream as I push myself against Isaac’s chest. “Get away from me.”

“Mable. Baby. It’s alright.”

“Get away from me.”

“Mable… Baby. Wake up. Come on. Open your eyes.”

I open my eyes to a lit up room and meet Chinyama’s worried gaze. His hand touches my cheek and I move away from him.

“Chinyama?”

I turn and lie on my back as I search for any traces of Isaac around our bedroom. I’m losing it. How would Isaac be in my bedroom with Chinyama around? I’m not thinking straight. I need to think things through. Gosh Isaac has me going crazy in my sleep too. Chinyama will in no time catch on that Isaac exists soon at this rate.

“Hey. It’s me. Chinyama. You were having a nightmare. It’s okay. I’m here.”

“Huh?” I ask absentmindedly. “Nightmare?”

“Yeah. A nightmare. A bad dream.”

“Right.” I respond as I look past his shoulder to the windows.

“What are you looking for?” Chinyama asks. “There is no one there.”

“Huh?”

“What was the nightmare about?”

I turn and face Chinyama. He raises an eyebrow and leans in closer to my face.

“Are you okay?” Chinyama asks worriedly. “You’re sweating. Babe. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’m fine. A bad dream. That’s it.”

“Are you sure?”

I push the bedding away and quickly get out off the bed, cool air hits my skin as I walk away from the bed.

“Where are you going?” Chinyama asks

“To the kitchen.”

“To do what? It’s four-thirty seven in the morning Mable. Come back to bed.”

I grab my silk robe sitting at the end of the bed and cover my nakedness.

“I need to make breakfast for you. And Samba.” I tell him.

“At this time? Really babe? Come back to bed.”

“I’m making muffins. Pancakes.” I turn around to face Chinyama and smile. “Sleep. I’ll wake you up in an hour and thirty minutes. Love you.”

I blow him a kiss and quickly head out of the bedroom before Chinyama asks one more question that need answers I’ll never have.

***********

I can’t help myself.

I can’t help but stare at the love of my life sleeping next to me. Sangu is even more attractive when he’s asleep. After everything that’s happened this year I’m happy he’s still here.

And to think we might be pregnant just covers my skin in goosebumps. What if I am pregnant? Finally my dream of being a mother would come true and maybe Sangu would finally take us seriously enough to take our relationship to the next step. Of course his mother implied Sangu wants to be with me forever but I’ll believe it when he proposes. Not before. Deep down my heart I feel he’s holding back on proposing because of the baby saga. The chance that I might not have children would be unappealing for any sensible man but if I am pregnant now then Sangu and I have a chance at forever.

All I gotta do is tell him or get tested before I tell him. I look at Sangu and smile. I wonder what our child would look like. Whose features would he or she have the most? Mine or Sangu’s? I’m certain his mother would be excited with the idea of her grandchild coming into this world. It would finally solidify our bond which so far is on track.

I sigh and turn to sleep on my side and keep staring at Sangu committing his face to memory.

As if in cue, or with his doctor senses Sangu’s eyes open. His eyes meet mine and he smiles at me.

“Good morning.” He groans.

I kiss his lips. “Morning.”

“What’s the time?”

“Close to six I think.”

“How long have you been up?”

“Some minutes.”

“What’s up? What’s on your kind?”

“Well Sangu I was thinking we should talk about …”

I’m cut short as a beep sounds.

“Nooo.” I groan. “So unfair. You just woke up.”

Sangu groans and reaches out for his phone off the bedside table.

“Hello. Dr Kalasa speaking.” He answers. “Where is the other doctor on call? … How long has this been going on? … What do you mean by all night?… Okay… I’ll be right in.”

He cuts the call and looks at me, an apologetic look on his face.

“So sorry baby. Rain check. Work calls.” Sangu says.

“That’s okay.”

“We can talk later?” He asks.

“Yes. Later is good. It can wait.”

“Unless this is important and you want to talk about it now.”

“And let a patient die? Hell no. Go bath.”

“Thank you baby.”

“Okay.”

He kisses me and gets off the bed. He hums his way to the bathroom. I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling.

I’ll have to do this alone. Then I’ll tell him what’s going on.

**********

“Good morning Yolanda.”

“Hi Yolanda. Good to see you back.”

“Hey Yolanda. Welcome back.”

“Yoli the dolly is here.”

I wave to my colleagues as I head to my desk, an hour late for work, all because of Mr Forty. That man and his clingy tendencies will be the end of me and my job.

I make my way to my desk and sit down for a minute before my phone rings.

“My office.” Masulani says as soon as I answer the call.

The call cuts and I groan inwardly. I grab a notebook and pen, quickly make my way to Masulani’s office. He looks up when I walk into his office.

“You’re late.” He says.

“I…. sort of woke up late.” I respond as I close the door. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t let it happen again. I trust you are feeling well.”

He picks up papers off his desk clearly trying to ignore me. I roll my eyes at him. The work mode version of Masulani is a pain. Ever serious. How boring.

“Much better thank you for asking.” I respond.

“Great. We have a meeting today. Sapphire Jewels. Fourteen hours. You up for it?”

“Definitely.”

“Great. I’ll drive.”

“I’ll ride. Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

He looks up at me, the corners of his lips bend. A smile! Finally!

“Is that all?” I ask

“Yes. For now.”

His words so full of promise that I smile.

“See you later. Oh and good morning Ma-Su-La-Ni.”

And I sashay my way out of his office as I imagine the smile plastered on his face.

********

Sitting in the doctor’s office makes me nervous. Come in for a review and the next thing you get news of a new disease killing your body. I cross my legs for the third time in ten minutes. The doctor should have been back by now, unless there was something wrong with the results of the tests.

Why does everything seem to be going wrong today -waking up on the wrong side of the bed with Isaac as a main character in my nightmare; almost burning my scones; dealing with a worried Chinyama who wanted to come with me to the hospital; the twins being cranky on their way to school. I don’t know how I managed to get through it and find the energy to still visit the hospital. All I want to know is if everything is fine so that I can move forward with my life.

My phone ringing jolts me back to reality. I curse under my breath as I ransack my handbag looking for it.

“Where are you? Why the hell do I even carry big handbags?”

I fish my phone out of my bag clicking answer before the call cuts.

“Hello.” I answer breathlessly

“Mable. Hi.”

I freeze. “Isaac?”

“Hey. How are you?”

What is it about Isaac and invading my space. Dreams and calls? Is he connected to me somehow? I could barely concentrate on anything at home because of him. Now he’s calling. Not the right time. I need to deal with the doctor first then Isaac later.

“Isaac can I call you back. I’m quite busy.”

I hear him sigh.

“Why do I feel like you’re avoiding me.” Isaac says.

“Isaac can I talk to you later? Now is not a good time.”

“No Mable. What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

“Isaac please I am at the hospital. I have to see the doctor now.”

“Are you alright? You alone? Do you want me to join you? Which hospital are you at?”

“Gosh Isaac please stop.”

“Are you alone?”

“No. I’m with my husband.” I lie. “Can we talk later?”

I hear him breathing, probably thinking about his next answer.

“Okay. I’ll be waiting for you.”

“Thank you. I promise I’ll call you.”

“How about we have lunch?”

This man is relentless. This is becoming annoying now. Gosh Isaac.

“Fine. Lunch.” I respond.

“Any place in mind?”

Any place that Chinyama does not like or has no idea about its existence is good enough for me. I’m not in the mood to bump into my husband and start explaining why I’m having lunch with another man.

“How about the Chinese restaurant?” I ask.

Familiar ground is best. Chinyama hates Chinese food, highly unlikely he would decide to eat there. Best to keep this hidden. Besides if I’m going to end everything with Isaac then familiar ground would work well for me.

“Okay. I’ll wait for you.” He says. “I can’t wait to see you.”

The door to the office opens and the doctor walks in, a red file in her hands. The doctor walks around her desk and sits behind her desk, opening the red file.

“Great. I have to go.”

“See you later.”

“Goodbye.”

I place my phone back in my handbag and clear my throat.

“I’m so sorry doctor. An emergency.” I tell the doctor.

The doctor looks up and gives me a reassuring smile.

“It’s okay Mable.”

“Thank you. So how am I doing now doctor?”

The doctor coughs as if to clear his throat and places his arms on his desk.

“Before we discuss that I’d like to know how you’ve been feeling lately.”

“Pretty good. Tired as usual but good.”

“Nothing happening out of the ordinary?”

“Nope. I’m good. The medication helped. I feel amazing. Is there something wrong?”

“No. Nothing is wrong. Just that we like to know how the patient feels first before we discuss the way forward.”

“Way forward?”

“Mable your blood pressure is still high. We need to discuss this and important measures for people in your situation.”

“High blood pressure? That’s it?@

“Yes Mable. I’m afraid if this is left unchecked something might happen to you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Maybe your husband should come in for this as well.”

*********

“Are you alright?”

Leon stands beside me with a worried look on his face. Even with a worried look he looks fresh as if the curse of binge night drinking wasn’t his plan last night. I wonder how he wakes up every morning looking as if the sun shines only on his life, even better I wonder how his liver takes the assault day after day while I look like a mess that didn’t know showers exist.

“Are you okay?” He repeats.

“Yes.”

“You look like a mess. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Uh huh. I’m great.”

“Are you a hundred percent certain of that?”

“Yes. Again. Yes. Why?”

“Well you’ve been looking at your knife for over five minutes. You do know the mushrooms are perfectly cut already?” He smirks

I laugh nervously. “Oh my, I’m sorry.”

“Things on your mind?”

I place my knife beside the neatly chopped mushrooms.

“More like fighting an epic hangover.” I respond. “But I’ll be perfect.”

“My fault. Totally my fault.” He says remorseful. “Just hold on. I have just the cure.”

Leon walks away as I grab a bowl and place the mushrooms in it. I wish my hangover was the only problem I had all in all, however knowing Ian is heading home is not calming on my heart. I’m sure he’s still in the air at this moment sick and worried about his father while I worry about what his mother will have in store for him.

“Show me a sign God. Please show me a sign. I need your help.”

What if his father is truly sick? Then I’m the worst girlfriend for having bad thoughts against his mother.

I can’t help but I feel his mother is trying to break us up and that this sudden trip is her way of showing me that she has power over her son. How am I supposed to fight her over her son, especially with Ian always seeing the best in her actions. Am I wrong? Is Ian right about her? What if I’m overthinking everything and nothing is going on.

“I’m back.” Leon says excitedly as he approaches me. “Here we go. Take this.”

In his hand I notice a glass, in it a thick red liquid. I look at the glass and give Leon a sceptical look.

“What’s that?” I ask

“A cure for your hangover.”

“What’s in it?”

“You sure you want to know?”

“Then why you giving it to me?”

“Because it works. Magical. I swear it works. You have to trust me.”

I take the glass from his hands and meet Leon’s eyes.

“Look at you giving me the eye. If looks could kill. You have to trust me.” He laughs.

“Yeah? Like last night? I’m not giving you that trust again.”

“Oh come on Sonia. I made sure you got home safely.”

“And I …”

“I literally drove you in your car just so you wouldn’t drive.”

“Yes but…”

“I left my car for you. See how caring I am.” He laughs.

“And I thank you Leon.”

“Why would I want to make your day worse? I’m a good head chef.”

“That you are.”

“Besides we need you better so that your perfection is showcased. Plus your fiancé will appreciate a beautiful looking woman.”

“Gosh Leon you have good points there.”

“So you trust me one more time. I promise you’ll feel better.”

“This looks like poison.”

“I can drink it with you if you like. We can die together.” He laughs.

I sigh and smile.

“Fine. Here goes nothing.”

********

“Tell me, what did the doctor say?”

Chinyama’s worried tone brings a smile to my face. I imagine Chinyama sitting behind his desk, tie loosened around his neck, stress lines on his face. Poor man.

“You sound worried. Stop worrying.” I respond.

“I won’t stop. My wife is not feeling well so I’m supposed to be worried. Now what did the doctor say?”

I sigh and stretch my legs in front of me. I need to leave this bathroom soon, sitting on the toilet seat isn’t helping me much anyway but Chinyama wants to know what he wants to know. There is no taking his mind off something once he puts his mind to it.

“The doctor didn’t say much to be honest.” I laugh. “Nothing worrying.”

I hear his sigh of relief or I think I do.

“How’s your blood pressure?” He asks.

“The blood pressure is good. The doctor says it’s in almost in check.”

“So you’re still on your meds?”

“Yes. With some supplements. Doctor said it will help me heal up.”

“So you’re going to be fine?”

“Uh huh. No need to worry. I’ll be perfect. See.”

“Good. Where are you right now? Still at the hospital or you’re home?”

“With Thandiwe.” I respond quickly. “Had to visit her.”

“Pass my regards.”

“Will do. Did you want me to come by the office?” I smile.

“Maybe.”

His response has me patting the bouncy curls on my head.

“You miss me?” I ask.

“Obviously.”

Chinyama laughs. He’s finally in a good mood.

“Well you can see me tonight when you get home. I’ll pick up the kids from school.” I suggest.

“I can do that. You need rest.”

“No, I’ll do it after I leave Thandiwe. You relax and come home.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Okay I’ll talk to you later Chinyama. Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

I cut the call before I blurt our the horrible truth of where I am. What if Chinyama calls James to talk about me being with his wife? What then? Why did I use Thandiwe as my scapegoat? I am horrible at lying sometimes. Just like I was at the hospital when I had to lie to the doctor about Chinyama being away on a trip just so the doctor could give the news about my health. I don’t want to think about that now. Not yet.

I stand up from the toilet seat grabbing my handbag from the sink in front of me. I don’t bother looking at my image in the mirror as I leave the bathroom. I make my way through the lit up hallway to a living room. Isaac turns around as I walk in, a smile plastered on his face, in his hand a glass of wine.

“Are you okay?” He asks.

“Yes. I feel better.”

Lies all around through my lips alone. From the need to change the venue of our lunch to I feel sick may I use the bathroom. If only Isaac knew.

“Come.” Isaac says, his hand outstretched towards me. “Sit with me.”

I take his hand in mine as he leans in to kiss my cheek.

“Juice?” He asks.

“No. Actually I need to go home. I need to pick up the kids.”

“Don’t they knock off at sixteen?” He asks. “It’s only fourteen.”

I look up at him and shrug. “They have an early day today. Don’t know why.” I laugh

Another lie. When will this end? Isaac’s eyes meet mine as if to see though my mind.

“What is really going on with you?” He asks

“Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Tell me the truth Mable.”

“I swear it’s nothing.”

“Mable.”

Isaac places his glass of wine on the table in front of us. His hands grab my shoulders keeping me in place.

“Mable. What is it?”

“Nothing Isaac. Please I have to go and pick up my children and go home to…..” I pause.

“See your husband? Say it.”

His hands squeeze my shoulders a little harder, his fingers digging into my skin. If I was any lighter his fingers would leave marks.

“Isaac.”

“No say it. You’re going to see your husband. Cool for him. Kiss him. Sleep with him and pretend you’re happy. Say it. Just tell me the truth. You’re never going to leave him. Be honest. That way we can figure out a way forward other than you acting up.”

“Isaac you’re hurting me. Let go.”

His hands fall to his sides and he sighs.

“I’m sorry Mable.”

“I need to go.”

“When will I see you again?”

“I don’t know.”

I don’t know. That’s my only truth. I have a family that loves me. Chinyama is acting right again. I can’t let that go. I need to make it work.

“Mable.”

I only have one thing to do now. I love my husband too much to lose him. Isaac is amazing but not husband.

“I think we should end this. It’s time to end this for good.” I say aloud.

“What?” He asks shocked.

“Look I’m tired of being in the middle. I have a family. You know this. I have children. A husband.”

“Who doesn’t love you.”

“And I love him still.”

“Because you’re so used to trash behaviour you think it’s normal for you.”

Isaac grabs my hand and pulls me to him gently.

“I love you Mable. We can still be together.” He says gently.

“No. We can’t. And I have to go. We are done.”

Isaac’s lets go of my hand as he shakes his head.

“So this is what you wanted to tell me?” He asks.

“Yes.” I respond as I reach out for his hand. “Isaac I am so so….”

“Fine. Go to him. Go. Be happy.” He retorts harshly.

“Isaac.”

“Go!! Don’t come running back when he acts horrible with you again.”

Surely he doesn’t mean that. I am stunned. I know he’s angry right now but surely he sees the good in me ending us right now. I have a family. I must protect my family. I am done playing with my own heart. I have a home and that’s where I should be.

I reach out really touch his shoulder but he steps back away from my touch.

“Goodbye Isaac.” I whisper.

*********

“I don’t know how you guys did it but the art work is perfect. Thank you. You are life savers.” Mrs Mpande says.

Mrs Mpande gives us a smile; if a stranger asked me to describe her I’d say cheerful; from her bright brown eyes that light up her round face to her bright lipstick that makes her stand out; her blond hair that sits on the top of her head in a soft bun just adds to her cheerful character not forgetting her white pants and blouse that come out as a statement. Somehow it all ties up together and makes the woman approachable.

“We did promise it would be perfection. Yolanda here ensured it.” Masulani adds.

“I’m so impressed. I keep saying this. I’m sure you’re tired of hearing the words.” Mrs Mpande responds.

I smile. I love being praised. Being recognised for my work is why I love my job and having Masulani support me makes it all the more better. All in all a good meeting that makes my day better. I love meetings that end in smiles from all sides. A good job means more business tomorrow, new clients and more recognition for our work. Having the owners of Sapphire Jewels recognise our work is what we need.

“Well thank you. Yolanda, Masulani, we shall see you soon.” Mrs Mpande continues.

“Of course. We shall be looking forward to your call.” I respond.

“I should let you guys go before I keep you here forever.”

Standing in the car park of Sapphire Jewels we all laugh at her comment. Mrs Mpande shakes my hand before she shakes Masulani’s hand.

“Have an amazing day.” Mrs Mpande smiles.

“Thank you again.” Masulani responds.

Mrs Mpande walks away leaving us to watch her her backside.

“Happy?” Masulani asks beside me.

I look at him and give him a smile.

“Definitely. I am excited for what’s next.” I respond.

“Well going by what she said earlier we are in are in control of the campaign.” Masulani tells me.

“I know. I’m so excited.”

“Good work done Yolanda. I’m proud of you.”

I shrug happily as we walk towards Masulani’s car.

“I don’t think this day can get any better than this.” I laugh when we both get into his car.

“You think so?” He asks as he starts the car.

“I’m telling you. Nothing can beat this moment. We have a client to bring us more clients.”

I squeal in delight as Masulani watches me in amusement.

“We should celebrate.” I tell him. “Tonight. What do you think?” I clap my hands.

Masulani shakes his head as he reverses his car out of his slot.

“Let’s discuss this after work.” He offers. “I might be working late.”

I pout my lips at him and he laughs.

“Is that your sad face?” He asks.

“Yes. I’m sad. Drinks at home would be good.”

“It’s a Tuesday Yolanda.”

“I know.”

I reach out and place my hand on his lap, squeezing gently.

“I’m driving.” He laughs.

“I can tell.”

“Tell you what I’ll come by after work. How that?”

My lips bend into a smile.

“Thank you. That’s all I wanted. After work will be in less than an hour..”

I move my hand off his lap and quickly get my phone out of my bag. My phone lights up to unread messages, all from one person: Mr Forty.

Mr Forty:

Will I be seeing you tonight?

I miss you already

Mr Forty:

There is something about you Yoli

You have bewitched me

I don’t know why I catch myself thinking about you all day.

Mr Forty:

Why didn’t you tell me you were heading out for a meeting with Masulani.

I wanted to see you at the office.

Call me later.

Mr Forty:

I love you.

This should be called over-clingy-ness.

This man is getting on my nerves. Surely he must know he’s my rebound man. Immediately I find a man worth dating I’ll replace him like an old torn favourite pair of jeans. I bite my lip as I think of a response.

Hey Mr C.

I’m sorry for my silence.

Work got the best of me

No that’s a lie. Not those words. I press delete.

“Yolanda.” Masulani says breaking the silence.

“Hmmm.”

Mr C…

I see you miss me

But I need my rest tonight.

Miss me a little bit more

Delete.

“I need to ask you something.” Masulani responds

“What’s up?” I ask, still looking at my phone.

Me:

Hey.

About tonight, I’ll be visiting my friends.

About the sleepover thing.

Why don’t we meet another night.

Delete.

“I was thinking about something.” Masulani says.

“Hmmm.”

Me:

If I had bewitched you we would be more than what we are today.

Delete.

“What would you say to us getting serious?” Masulani asks

“Hmmm.”

Me:

Aww you’re so sweet.

I miss you more.

I would love to see you but….

“Yolanda?” Masulani asks. “Are you ignoring me?”

I turn and look at Masulani.

“What’s up? I’m sorry. A friend wanted something. You have my attention.”

“Okay. I was asking what’s your take on us getting serious? Not just some bed and drink thing but something more. A ship of something.” He laughs nervously.

And my phone slips out of my hand.

To be continued…



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via IFTTT https://ift.tt/3q2w5IH November 26, 2020 at 08:03AM
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also apparently this happened a few days ago and i haven’t opened the app since last week lol whoops

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Sober

I remember two Thanksgivings ago when I was in a toxic relationship and started doing green apple shots at 9 AM and then came home for dinner and then went back to my apartment and indulged in an alcohol binge while watching Bird Box. (Crazy times)

I really don’t know how I even justified any of that recklessness in my head. I think the alcohol was affecting my cognition so badly that drinking in the morning or before work or before visiting my family never really seemed like a big deal. I remember thinking I needed alcohol to feel ‘normal’ because my idea of normal was actually the euphoria and numbness of being drunk. I forgot that actual normalcy is just neutrality and feeling negative feelings. My anxiety would rise with the hangovers and I would need to drink to feel calm again. I needed to drink just to get to baseline, and that’s when I knew I was an alcoholic.

My life revolved around drinking then. I used to go home from work and get hammered every single night on fifths of vodka. My body would start to already feel drunk in anticipation of going on an alcohol binge. I’d feel a psychological buzz before I was even intoxicated. It was almost like the high was in the anticipation of it. I would walk into my apartment with my backpack still on, pull a fifth of vodka out of my fridge, crack it open and start guzzling it straight.

I really don’t know how I didn’t die or blow out my liver. This was a daily occurrence. The hangovers didn’t hit until 4 or 5 PM the next day because of how much alcohol was in my bloodstream, by which point I’d already be drinking again. All I know is that I was in constant pain. I had a perpetual headache behind my eyes, my muscles ached, I was constantly thirsty, my face was always puffy, and my hands started shaking once I started crashing.

Alcohol is one of the best drugs and the absolute worst drugs. It sucks because it works so well in the moment. I didn’t have to think about trauma or stress or bad days or the future or the past. It keeps you myopic and living in the present, which is so…dehumanizing? I like how I am now much better. I have dimension and depth of thought. I wake up at 6 AM and have iced coffee everyday. I’m following my meal plan. My body doesn’t feel like it got hit by a truck. I don’t have to wake up at noon, worried that I accidentally texted someone something completely stupid. It’s ‘good’ to see the small changes in sobriety and life. I’m not short tempered or irritable or so focused on my next alcohol binge that nothing else matters. Last year, I don’t think I would have believed that this could be possible.

I thought alcohol was a game changer. I didn’t know how people lived without it. Now I don’t know how people drink at all. Sobriety has allowed me to really feel the depth of my assault and how much it’s impacted my life.

I think I didn’t see that there was any other way to cope with the past. I didn’t want to think about the trauma. So I drank.

Of course, what I’m going through now is in some ways worse than any hangover. PTSD feels like a constant emotional hangover that never ends. But I know I have to get rid of the numbing in order to heal the thing that led me to abuse alcohol in the first place. And I’m getting there. It’s a slow process, but I’m getting there. I’m connecting with my younger self. I’m getting through November as best I can.

I guess change is possible.

Sober since August and I’m not turning back now.

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WAIT i replied to the wrong one. shit i will get back to u

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Until now I’ve never understood why people get so addicted to drugs and alcohol. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. The pain fades even if it’s for a short time and all those bad thoughts and feelings melt away for even a few moments.

Dad, I now understand why you drink so much. Even on your darkest day, I will always be here. I love you.

~Pointlessblognoonecaresfor~

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Originally posted by stonedvndconfus3d

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