#alcohol addiction and loss of memory after everything he did

[swampndn]

CW: child sexual assault, child abuse, alcoholism

Six years ago today, I finally found my maternal grandfather’s people. I've been thinking a lot about him recently and feeling that grief of all he lost. Then I got the Facebook memory reminder. So I wanna talk about him. Feels like I should.

His name was James, and he was stolen as a toddler and sold to a Mormon family in Utah. He never knew his tribe or where he came from, just that he was Native. When he escaped as a teen, he went to Oklahoma because that's where he knew the Natives were and thought it'd be his best chance. He ended up in Vietnam, survived the Navy, came back to Oklahoma, then met my maternal grandmother (a white woman), and quickly had my mother and uncle shortly after.

My mother's mother was an evil woman. She and her entire racist ass family are. They hated my grandfather because of who he was, so much so that they lied to the courts and said that he was a drunk to take away his kids. It worked. This all happened exactly 1 year before the Indian Child Welfare Act too. Before that, he never drank in his life, but after that loss, he started and, unfortunately, couldn't stop for nearly 15 years.

My mom was then raised and physically/sexually abused by her white family. They constantly told her and my uncle that they should be ashamed of being Native because of their father, and those people did everything they could to make them white. My mom's a deeply complicated person, especially being that she couldn't break the cycle of abuse with my siblings and I. But this post isn't about her. My uncle also experienced the physical abuse, and he developed a drug addiction when he was just 12yo to cope. My grandfather developed alcoholism during this separation period, and his health began to decline.

But! Good news! When my mom ran away from home at 16yo, my father's family took her in. My mom said that she was immediately drawn to my dad because he was Native, connected to his people, and came from an unapologetically Native home. So she finally found some kind of community, and also she was finally able to reconnect with her dad. (And also in the eventual marrying of my father, they ex-communicated my mom. I got a wild story from when I was about 8yo and the first and last time I met them, but that's for a different post for a different day.)

The day she got in contact with my grandfather after being forcibly no contact her entire upbringing was the day he stopped drinking cold turkey. She talks about how after that he was at every single school event and every holiday. My uncle finally got out of there too, and he also reconnected with my grandfather. My dad's family welcomed them both.

My uncle died at 18yo from the lingering effects of his addiction about a year before I was born. It was sudden and unexpected, especially since he, like my grandfather, had stopped using when he reunited with his dad. My mom talks about how involved and happy my uncle was with my sister as a baby. He was James, Jr., but went by Jimmy mainly.

My grandfather had also been heavily involved with us, and he had some kind of prophecy gift. He predicted the sex of all of my mom's kids just by touching her belly, and he knew a bunch of other things too. He used to take my sister and I fishing nearly every weekend, and he got me a Minnie Mouse fishing pole to use. He taught my sister how to ride a bike. I was still too little for a bike, but he got me a tricyle. One Christmas, he rented a helicopter after saving up all year and flew into a neighborhood park dressed like Santa. I do wish I could remember those things firsthand, but I've been told about them and seen lots of pictures.

Unfortunately, all of that was short-lived because he died the day after my sister's 5th birthday when I was only 3yo. We knew something was wrong because he wasn't at her party, and in all this time, he never missed a single event. Even though he never drank again, his prior alcoholism was so severe that he passed from cirrhosis of the liver. My mom was pregnant with my younger brother at the time, so he never got to meet him - but my grandfather did let my mom know he was a boy. (This was back when IHS refused to do ultrasounds. You know how it is.)

He died in 1996 never knowing who his people are. There were no clues. No one knew anything until March 29, 2018.

Finding his people was completely by chance. I went on a trip in March 2018 with a now ex-partner to the Mescalero Apache rez in New Mexico to see some of his extended family. We got there in the middle of the night, and the next morning (March 29th), I went outside to see the landscape. I'd never been to New Mexico before, so I was excited to see mountains and the desert. The moment I stepped outside of the motel and saw the land, I felt an overwhelming grief that I immediately burst into tears. The only way I could describe it was the feeling of a mother who was convinced her child was no longer alive for years and years, suddenly finding out that her baby survived. I will never forget what that felt like, and honestly, now it feels even more powerful than before. I can hardly even think about it writing this because tears are happening.

As soon as I was able to be coherent again after all that grief, my first thought was that this is where my grandfather was from. I knew it. I was fully convinced. The rest of that trip I kept looking at all these Apache faces in the tribal gas station, on the road, and just around and wondering if any of them were family. So many looked familiar, but I wasn't going to do or say anything until I got home and could try and find some of my grandfather's records. Hell, I didn't even tell my then-partner about it when it happened because I wanted to be sure. He even asked me why I was crying standing outside the motel door, and I just said that the land was so beautiful that I was moved. Fortunately for me (one of the many bad signs for him) is that he didn't ask any follow-up questions, so I was able to keep it to myself for the time being.

When I got back home, I got ahold of his birth certificate, and I called the Mescalero Apache records office. After a couple weeks, it was confirmed. He even had living family still. Getting that phone call was so emotional, and I still cry about the relief and also the anger that he died not knowing. I know his spirit is at peace now, and every time I've been to New Mexico since 2018, I feel such a comfort. The land told me on March 29, 2018, and today I'm just thinking about how grateful I am that she did.

As I have been thinking a lot about grief, land, healing, legacy, blood memory, the responsibilities of parenthood, and the next seven generations recently (mainly due to a project I've been working on this week), I don't think it's an accident that today was the anniversary of that event while I go into a performance tomorrow about just this very thing: the land grieving and healing and telling us why.

There's not too many pictures of him because he was the one usually taking pictures of us. But here's a candid I have from my toddler days (mid-blink lol).

#healingjourney #personal

[paradisushq]

NAME: Darius Ashtons

PRONOUNS: He/Him

FACECLAIM: Aiden Turner

AGE: 436

SPECIES: Noble Vampire

OCCUPATION: Mechanic

BIOGRAPHY: 

Darius was born the eldest brother to a noble by the name of Mathew Ashton and his wife Belinda Ashton, They were a fairly well off family who lived with every comfort life could possibly offer. Life was good, and around the time of Darius’s 135th birthday they found out that by some miracle, Belinda was once again with child. Truly a blessing in disguise, or so theyd thought. About half way through her term, Darius’s mother began to deteriorate. The second baby was putting too much stress on her body, and was beginning to slowly rob her of her ability to do anything. She could hardly walk, and only with the assistance of some kind of aid. She slept for about 18 hours every day and hardly left her bed, the poor woman could barely communicate let alone feed or do anything else.

It was a terrifying time for the family, Mathew had stepped away from his duties to be with his wife, feeling it was more important then anything else at the moment.. Darius had school, but Mathew insisted he continues his studies.. This went on for many many long months, Belinda was virtually unreachable when it was finally time for the baby to arrive. You may ask- well why not remove the baby? It was clearly killing her.. Well, his mother was so overjoyed to have a second baby, neither Darius or his father had the heart to even suggest they remove it.

That night, at around 1:35 am, The cry of the Ashtons second son Charlie, filled the operation room. A healthy baby boy, loudly squealing as he was cleaned up and taken to the nursery. His cry filled the hall and echoed back to the operation room, where Darius and his father stood over his unmoving mother. Her pale cheeks flushed with sweat, but lacking the glow of life ..a soft smile rested on her pale lips, still parted from the last words shed uttered. “Mathew... look... Our son, he’s beautiful.”  Darius had never seen his father cry… but oh how the male wailed in that moment.

Belinda Alexandra Ashton, was dead.

The years that came to follow were some of the lowest points for the Ashton clan. Mathew had been utterly destroyed by the loss of his beloved and spiraled into alcohol and gambling-filled depression. Darius left his schooling to care for his younger brother, with the help of the servants of course.. He raised Charlie while his father gambled and drank away their fortune. He was relentless in his spending, and by the time of his sad death, Via suicide. He’d left his two sons virtually nothing.

Darius was forced to sell what he could to help them get by.. But his father had already pawned off most of the things of financial value to feed his gambling addiction… Leaving the once breathtaking Manor in a state of vacancy.. Empty walls, with very little left within them but the memories made there. And to rub salt in the wounds of his fathers passing, not three weeks after his death.. Collectors came, apparently his father had not only bet and lost everything that remained within the mansion… He’d lost the estate itself. Leaving Darius and Charlie, homeless.

The brokers only allowing them to take two sets of clothing and a photo of their family from the home before they were thrown from the property.

The brothers spend three long years on the street, Never having worked a day in his life Darius struggled to find work, and struggled even harder to keep it.. He wasn't skilled in the kitchen- and the low-labor jobs humans did, just didn't pay well enough or at all. He got them by but it was not the life he wanted for his brother. Eventually…He was stumbled upon by a representative of a local club, Who saw potential in the male’s large build and intimidating look, offering him a job as their bouncer..

To this day its where he works, he’d recently been able to purchase a place for him and his brother, a single bedroom apartment that had a pretty decent amount of space for the rent. Very few people recognize him as a noble, which is honestly how he’d like it to stay. The memories of his noble blood scorned him, and despite his younger brother’s desire to reclaim their family home, Darius would rather forget the past and live on as a new man.

Some years into his life as a working man, Darius would meet and fall for a Beautiful female vampire... Who just happened to be the Daughter of King Octavian himself, Despite his noble blood, Darius was no fit for the kings princess and while he’d allowed their relationship for some time- the reveal of Kate’s pregnancy along with plots of running away together would force the rulers hand in a substantial way.

Stripping the man of all memories of his daughter and the life they’d shared thus far, tucking the memories far into the recesses of his mind where one would most likely never see them again... and just to be sure, he then had Darius sent away. Never to be seen again, not by Kate, nor his unborn daughter.

—Post-Memory wipe—

Darius enjoyed the simple things in life, living out in the quiet outskirts of bumbfuck no where Louisiana.. the man spent his days helping the locals with odd jobs and basic repairs needed on any old equipment they had that needed it. He loved the life her lived, and yet.. there was a yearning in his soul that led him to look elsewhere. He was the only Vampire in town, and had watched many of the towns folk grow old and die off. His friends and people he cared for all seemed to whither away so fast, and after a while it’d taken a tole on the vampire.

Then one day he’d been surfing the web and come across an article talking of the newly revealed nation of Paradisus, a haven for all those supernatural beings who didn’t want to live in the humans world could escape to. On a whim, he’d booked a visit to the island to have a look around and it didn’t take long before the man decided he belonged there.

Now some 6 month later, he had a small apartment there in the capital city, and worked as a Mechanic at the cities only autoshop. It was a fast job and one that paid well for the work it was.. He was living happily now amongst his people.. and yet.. something was missing.

BLOG LINK

#darius ashtons #aiden turner #vampire #men #character

[settleddxst]

Intro

NAME: Darius Ashtons

PRONOUNS: He/Him

FACECLAIM: Aiden Turner

AGE: 436

SPECIES: Noble Vampire

OCCUPATION: Mechanic

Darius was born the eldest brother to a noble by the name of Mathew Ashton and his wife Belinda Ashton, They were a fairly well off family who lived with every comfort life could possibly offer. Life was good, and around the time of Darius’s 135th birthday they found out that by some miracle, Belinda was once again with child. Truly a blessing in disguise, or so theyd thought. About half way through her term, Darius’s mother began to deteriorate. The second baby was putting too much stress on her body, and was beginning to slowly rob her of her ability to do anything. She could hardly walk, and only with the assistance of some kind of aid. She slept for about 18 hours every day and hardly left her bed, the poor woman could barely communicate let alone feed or do anything else.

It was a terrifying time for the family, Mathew had stepped away from his duties to be with his wife, feeling it was more important then anything else at the moment.. Darius had school, but Mathew insisted he continues his studies.. This went on for many many long months, Belinda was virtually unreachable when it was finally time for the baby to arrive. You may ask- well why not remove the baby? It was clearly killing her.. Well, his mother was so overjoyed to have a second baby, neither darius or his father had the heart to even suggest they remove it.

That night, at around 1:35 am, The cry of the Ashtons second son Charlie, filled the operation room. A healthy baby boy, loudly squealing as he was cleaned up and taken to the nursery. His cry filled the hall and echoed back to the operation room, where darius and his father stood over his unmoving mother. Her pale cheeks flushed with sweat, but lacking the glow of life ..a soft smile rested on her pale lips, still parted from the last words shed uttered. “Mathew..look..Our son, hes beautiful.”  Darius had never seen his father cry… but oh how the male wailed in that moment.

Belinda Alexander Ashton, was dead.

The years that came to follow were some of the lowest points for the Ashton clan. Mathew had been utterly destroyed by the loss of his beloved and spiraled into alcohol and gambling-filled depression. Darius left his schooling to care for his younger brother, with the help of the servants of course.. He raised charlie while his father gambled and drank away their fortune. He was relentless in his spending, and by the time of his sad death, Via suicide. Hed left his two sons virtually nothing.

Darius was forced to sell what he could to help them get by.. But his father had already pawned off most of the things of financial value to feed his gambling addiction… Leaving the once breathtaking Manor in a state of vacancy.. Empty walls, with very little left within them but the memories made there. And to rub salt in the wounds of his fathers passing, not three weeks after his death.. Collectors cames, apparently his father had not only bet and lost everything that remained within the mansion… Hed lost the estate itself.

Leaving Darius and Charlie, homeless.

The brokers only allowing them to take two sets of clothing and a photo of their family from the home before they were thrown from the property.

The brothers spend three long years on the street, Never having worked a day in his life Darius struggled to find work, and struggled even harder to keep it.. He wasnt skilled in the kitchen- and the low-labor jobs humans did, just didnt pay well enough or at all. He got them by but it was not the life he wanted for his brother. Eventually…He was stumbled upon by a representative of a local club, Who saw potential in the male’s large build and intimidating look, offering him a job as their bouncer..

To this day its where he works, hed recently been able to purchase a place for him and his brother, a single bedroom apartment that had a pretty decent amount of space for the rent. Very few people recognize him as a noble, which is honestly how hed like it to stay. The memories of his noble blood scorned him, and despite his younger brother’s desire to reclaim their family home, Darius would rather forget the past and live on as a new man.

Some years into his life as a working man, Darius would meet and fall for a Beautiful female vampire..Who just happened to be the Daughter of King Octavian himself, Despite his noble blood, Darius was no fit for the kings princess and while hed allowed their relationship for some time- the reveal of kates pregnancy along with plots of running away togather would force the rulers hand in a substantial way.

Stripping the man of all memories of his daughter and the life theyd shared thus far, tucking the memories far into the recesses of his mind where one would most likely never see them again..and just to be sure, he then had darius sent away. Never to be seen again, not by kate, nor his unborn daughter.

—Post Memory wipe—

Darius enjoyed the simple things in life, living out in the quiet outskirts of bum fuck no where Louisiana.. the man spent his days helping the locals with odd jobs and basic repairs needed on any old equipment they had that needed it. He loved the life her lived, and yet.. there was a yearning in his soul that led him to look elsewhere. He was the only Vampire in town, and had watched many of the towns folk grow old and die off. His friends and people he cared for all seemed to whither away so fast, and after a while itd taken a tole on the vampire.

Then one day hed been surfing the web and come across an article talking of the newly revealed nation of Paradisus, a haven for all those supernatural beings who didnt want to live in the humans world could escape to. On a whim, hed booked a visit to the island to have a look around and it didnt take long before the man decided he belonged there.

Now some 6 month later, he had a small apartment there in the capital city, and worked as a Mechanic at the cities only autoshop. It was a fast job and one that paid well for the work it was.. He was living happily now amongst his people.. and yet.. something was missing.

Despite Darius’s large stature and harsh stare, he is a genuinely kind individual that was taught by his mother that all life was to be respected. Vampire or other wise, He wont hesitate to step in if he sees slaves being abused. Though there is very little he can really do, generally his sheer size and intimidation is enough to break apart bad situations.

He is quiet in most settings though can be rather charismatic if he is given the time to open up, showing more of what he was taught growing up.

#paradisus.intro

[briamichellewrites]

42

Brie was stable. She was on medication to help reverse the overdose. Unfortunately, she would not be the last overdose the hospital would see that day. The emergency department was filled with them. Not all patients made it. Some had to be admitted to the psychiatric unit because they were unable to treat them properly. After all, they were on meth or other substances that caused delusions and psychosis. They had some patients who were dropped off and abandoned at the emergency room entrance.

She was just one in hundreds. Drugs were becoming more potent and users never knew what they were putting into their bodies or how it would affect them. For some patients, the hospital was a revolving door. They would get them stable and they would be discharged. Hours later, they would be back for another overdose. All they could do was treat them and let them go.

Brie was lucky because she had friends who worked quickly with getting her help. The drug was reversed before it cut off oxygen to her brain. That would have caused a heart attack or stroke. If certain brain cells died, she would be looking at permanent irreversible brain damage. Memory loss, blindness, mood changes, perception issues, difficulties with problem-solving, movement disorders, epilepsy, or other seizure disorders. Not to mention, death.

It wasn’t worth it. They would never know why people turned to drugs. Curiosity, self-medicating, peer pressure, mental illness. The saddest cases were children who accidentally took drugs because they thought they were candy or because they were left out by whoever was taking care of them and they weren’t watching them closely. Children died and their caregivers were charged with neglect.

Or babies born under the influence of whatever their mother was taking. Their little bodies couldn’t handle the withdrawal symptoms. The NICU staff did everything they could for them but they couldn’t take away their pain.

Mike returned to the studio without Rob. He needed to get out of the hospital before he exploded in anger. Brad asked him how she was doing. She was stable. They were keeping her overnight, just to keep an eye on her. He asked not to talk about it anymore because he was too angry. Yeah, they could do that. He thanked them as he sat down. The only question Phoenix had was if it was okay for him to talk to Bruce. Yeah, he could do that.

Mike just got back from the hospital. I’m going to take over giving you updates because he’s too upset right now. Brie is stable. Our band member, Rob is at the hospital with her. Did you want his phone number or did you just want to wait until I have more information? Either is fine with me. – Phoenix

Bruce asked for his phone number. Once he got it, he called him for information about his daughter. Phoenix sent him a quick message telling him that he would call, so he was not surprised. Rob gave him all the information he had from Mike, Keith, and the doctor. They were treating it as an accidental cocaine overdose.

They were not sure if she had a serious drug problem or if she was just experimenting. Who’s Keith? He was a friend of hers, who was in town visiting. Bruce was not happy. That was an understatement. He was angry, though also sad because he never wanted her to use drugs. His father was an alcoholic and drug addict. In the back of his mind, he always wondered if his younger daughter would be the one to get the genetics for addiction. He wished he could take those genes away from her.

She already had depression. Now, she was self-medicating. He heard the news report about her overdose. His body almost collapsed in shock. Patti started crying. They hugged each other tightly. It couldn’t be their daughter. It had to be someone else. But, no. It was Brie. Jessica, Sam, and Evan were all wanting to know if it was true. He felt helpless as a father because he didn’t know what to do.

Mike started crying when he got home later with Phoenix. He couldn’t get what he saw out of his head, or the fear he felt. Phoenix told him to cry for as long as he needed to. It was a very scary and stressful situation. The whole country knew about what happened because the damn media had to report on it. Asking for privacy didn’t help. There were still reports about her condition. Once she was discharged, they would sit down with her and see if she needed help.

Once he was calm, he told him what he saw. Her body was shaking and she complained of chest pains and nausea. They rolled her to her side, just in case she threw up. Then, she started sweating. It just happened so fast that he felt helpless. They all did.

“You reacted how a lot of people would react. If I saw it, I would freeze just like you did. That’s not your fault. The important thing is that she’s okay.”

He nodded.

“Can I do anything for you? I could make you something to eat or start a bath.”

“Where are the twins?”

“Linsey is keeping them overnight.”

“Will you take a bath with me?”

Yeah, he could do that. The following day, Brie found out she was being evicted from her apartment due to drug use. All of her stuff was packed up while she was in the hospital and left for her. She loaded everything into her car before thinking about where she was going to go. Phoenix was trying to get a hold of her, so she called him.

He was so happy to hear her voice because it meant she was okay. She told him about being kicked out and having nowhere to go. He wasn’t going to let her live with him and Mike because they didn’t want her drug use to affect the kids. What if she went to Paris? Then, she would just be running away from her problems. Going to a different country would not solve anything. He could hear her crying, so he invited her to the studio to talk.

Was she coming? Yeah. The band needed to talk about how they were going to address her drug use. If they jumped on her, she would become defensive. They needed to be calm and let her speak. When she showed up, her face looked like she had been crying. She also had bags under her eyes from not sleeping well at the hospital. After wiping her tears, she sat down.

How was she doing? Not good. She was homeless. Where’s Keith? He went back to Nashville. Phoenix asked about how serious her drug problem was. Did she need to go to rehab? No, she didn’t want to go to rehab because she didn’t have a problem. They could tell she was in denial. Chester noticed signs she was going through cravings. She was biting her fingernails and was very anxious. They couldn’t force her into rehab because she was an adult. It had to be her choice.

Addiction was heartbreaking because it changed who a person was. She was wanting to get high. Rob got up and hugged her as he used to when she was younger. He told her how much he missed the little girl she used to be. That made her start crying. He hugged her tighter. Would she get help? No. After he unwrapped his arms, she got her purse and ran out. Brad told him he tried. He nodded.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia @boricuacherry-blog

[aquato-family-circus]

okay let me try to reason out what each psychonauts 2 mind represents

loboto: idk

hollis: gambling addiction

ford: deficit personality disorder

compton: idk

helmutt: sensory overload and amnesia

cassie: idk

bob: alcoholic depression

lucy: idk

gristol: megalomania

---

Loboto's mind in PN2 at least I think is a mix of just a fun show piece first level but also the effects of fear based propaganda on an individual

I assume you mean Dissociative Identity Disorder for Ford? Which I've certainly heard readings like that for him - I'm not sure if it's quite applicable to him now that we know his issue was like a self-inflicted literal mind break: but I have been wondering abt the idea of what if Ford already had DID even before the Deluge, and the fractures were just an aggrivation of it after he broke his mind... would be curious what people with DID think tho since I'm certainly only familiar with the general concept

I feel Compton's pretty easily a really bad anxiety disorder mixed with someone else's suggeston of rejection sensitive dysphoria

Cassie's is one I can't put a specific lable on but she's definitely retreated into a safe spot in her mind that if she just tries hard enough to organize everything that the good old days will manifest again

Lucy's got a mix of memory loss, her mind getting messed with, and a real bad case of the harmful defense mechanisms that got aggrivated by the gzar and what she had to do for her country - oh, and ptsd I feel like encapsulates a lot of that (and fits a lot of the others as well as it manifests differently person to person)

EDIT: Just adding an addendum to say I appreciate @ morrysillusion 's input on this post in the replies and I agree that Ford by the sequel is being distanced from the og game's MPD/DID description, so my suggestion up above is something I won't be entertaining in the future :0

[alreadyblondenow]

Prom & six packets of condoms

Mark Lee x reader // FLUFF, SMUTT , ANGST

Part of PROM SERIES: MARK LEE

Themes: high school! au, prom! au, college! au, best friends to lovers

Word count: 7k

Summary: Prom, six packets of condoms, a funeral, and graduation all needed first to happen before he can finally win you. 

Warnings: character death (a parent) if you’re not comfortable with that please click away, mentions of alcohol, mentions of other idol (nct dream), loss of virginity, protected sex, fingering, slight depression, mourning phase, 

A/N: inspired by true events, I just finished reading First Times by moonctzeny and I won’t lie I was inspired and my prom memories haunted me the whole day so here you go. Phrases/ paragraphs in italics are flashbacks. Proofread this once only hehe. I will make a time stamp for every condom and will post it on the following days hehe. Enjoy reading

Time stamps for this fic/condoms: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

“You’re the new girl right? Hi, I’m Mark”

It’s been almost four good years since Mark ate lunch with you during the first day of freshman year. You were the new girl in town by that time and you don’t know anyone in school. Mark is the nicest person you’ve met and ever since that fateful day, you two are inseparable and you became best friends.

Now senior year is on full throttle and it seems like everything is happening so fast. Maintaining your GPA, college applications, spearheading extracurricular activities and prom then graduation in just a weeks... its all too much.

“Hey, you all set for tomorrow? You’re not going to ditch me with some other dude who’s more handsome than me, right?” You’re talking to Mark through FaceTime while you two prepare for tomorrow’s big event. He jokes about you ditching him last minute and he told you he’d still love you if that really happens.

“If you mention it again, fine! I’ll go with Jeno-“ you teased him back.

“Hey! I’m just kidding. Don’t do that!” His laugh and his smile are still addicting to watch even if it’s through your phone screen.

Mark asked you to prom, which you think is so sweet of him. And it might not looked like it, but prom is a pretty big deal for Mark as much as it is for you.

It’s that time of the month when you and Mark do a scary movies Netflix and chill ritual in his room. You were waiting for him to get the bag of Cheetos from their kitchen and it was pretty dark in his room and when he finally came back, he was biting a red rose in his mouth and posing sexily in front of you. At first, you thought he was just making you laugh but you saw him walk towards his guitar and strums it. Before he sing you a song, he hands you the rose and kissed you on the cheek.

And that’s how Mark asked you to prom. Simple yet so unforgettable and meaningful. You will never forget how he sings so passionately in front of you and only for your eyes to see.

“Y/n, my best friend. Will you go to prom with me?”

“Who would reject such a great promposal? Yes!”

That night, after his promposal, you two watched scary movies without even noticing that you two were cuddled up and holding hands.

He’s all crazy about how he wants to do everything right for you and also so he could have that full experience with prom. Unforgettable promposal, wrist corsages, his tie matches your dress. Everything has to be perfect.

The most awaited day finally arrived and you are excited to spend a day that happens once in your life. When you walk down the stairs as Mark waits for you with your parents, he was speechless on how beautiful you are.

You know when Mark is getting flushed and shy when he starts to say “uhm” more than three times and he can’t look at you in the eye but he steals glances just to admire how beautiful you are. He puts the corsage around your wrist and you think it’s pretty not because it’s in your favorite color but because Mark chose this.

After your parents took a picture of you and Mark, the limousine arrived right on time. You saw Jaemin peeking at the limousine’s sunroof with a big smile, cheering for you and Mark excitedly because you two look good together.

“Mark, you didn’t have to match your tie with the color of her dress you know? By the way, y/n you look beautiful” Haechan opens the door for you and Mark to join the party inside the limousine with their respected dates.

“Oh Hyuck, it’s his idea give him a break. You look handsome too, nice hair!”

The drive to the hotel was already fun and full of laughter but the big event itself, was a shindig. Disco balls and chandeliers, glitters, confettis and balloons everywhere. Everyone was having a good time, smiles everywhere and everyone was dancing under loud music.

And while you admire everyone having the time of their lives, Mark is only admiring you. He can’t take his eyes off of you, thinking how asking you to be his date is a right decision. What if he asks you to be something else? Something bigger than just being a date. He brushed his thoughts away and just enjoy this night to the fullest with you. Being your date is a great excuse for him to wrap his arm around your waist from behind as you two dance under loud party music like crazy teenagers.

After having a blast at prom and getting half drunk at the after party, you ended up tired and exhausted in Mark’s bed. He flopped beside you putting his right hand under his chin and admire you smile at the ceiling. To him you’re still as beautiful as the first time he saw you today even though your face is all oily and your hair is already down.

“I’m pretty sure we did everything that’s needed to be done for a perfect prom” he said, slightly whispering to not ruin the silence in his room.

“Hmm. Not everything, but yeah it’s perfect. You’re perfect” you whispered back sweetly, trying to let him know that you’re flirting.

“What do you mean?” He bounced back a question immediately and totally missed your flirting. You let out a sigh.

“I overheard Jaemin and the other boys are going to lose it with their girlfriends tonight. Because of that, their prom will be extra special you know? But Mark, you’re perfect! You made this night beyond perfect and I couldn’t ask for more” You see him smile and blush, hugging his favorite striped pillow and try to hide his shyness.

It does make him kind of envy with the others because he wants to lose his virginity too tonight, but the problem is he doesn’t have a girlfriend. The room became silent when Mark told you that. You thought of all the things he did for you today just to give you an unforgettable night and then a crazy idea hit your head like a lightning.

“You can still do it. You have me”

The idea made him speechless and excited but he’s good at hiding it. “Wow- Jeez, I don’t know what to say but are you sure? Because I want this to happen, like really.” He almost confessed his feelings for you but he stopped himself before he ruins this moment.

“Yeah. I want to lose my virginity too tonight” the awkwardness is starting build up between the two of you. “Let’s just pretend we’re together. We do love each other as friends but you know, just so we could have a good time while having sex we uhm- we need to think that we’re together”

“No problem with me” he’s been pretending that you two are together ever since he developed a big crush on you. “Do you want to go to the bathroom first?” He offered.

“That would be great, yeah. I could use some time to fix myself first” you head towards to his bathroom and locked it nervously. The idea wasn’t supposed to make you nervous because it’s Mark but you caught yourself getting excited about the sex.

You found him making the bed and he made the room all dark and left his lampshade open. You walk towards the edge of his bed, Mark on the other side and you see him loosen up his tie and starts to unbutton his dress shirt. When he’s all naked in front of you, you hear your heart pound and beats so fast when you saw him crawl to your side. “Come here, I’ll unzip your dress”

You turned around and you feel his hands roam around your shoulders before he proceeds to unzip your dress. “Nice bra” he says when you faced him again.

Mark invites you to his bed to come lay down holding your hand as if you’re going to fall. It’s weird how it’s not your first time laying on Mark’s bed but this time it felt like it’s your first time.

He gave you a peck on the lips, a quick and friendly kiss. “That’s our first kiss as best friends. I want you to know that It’s me and like Im not going to do anything bad to you. I’m just appreciating my best friend” theres a slight pang on his heart when he said that because right now he wants to scream and tell you his feelings for you.

Mark kissed you again to silence his thoughts. And it was a different kiss from the first one. This kiss made your head move around his pillows, you feel your head sinking as he kiss you deeper and deeper, both of your hands are exploring as if it has a mind of its own.

“And that’s our first kiss, being together” and I want you to know that I love and if you could just wait for me to man up, I will love you fiercely. But of course he didn’t have the courage to say that part to you, instead he kissed you and pretended to be with you.

It was hard to stop kissing Mark and be away from his incredible lips. Lips he used for singing and for his prayers, now he’s using it for kissing you. “Let’s get you naked, baby” he said in between delicious kisses.

He pull away from the kiss and once again admired the girl in front of him. “Mark, you deserve everything” you said, sitting up in front of him. Guiding his hands towards your chest just to brush his soft hands against your clothed boobs and gave him your consent and the honour to unclasp your strapless bra.

You smiled at him when you felt your bra fall down the mattress. He pushed you back on the mattress, kissing your lips and slowly traveling down your neck.

For a minute he just stayed above you and looked at your exposed boobs and proceed to remove your laced panties. You hear him let out a soft exhale, when finally seeing you full naked in his bed.

It’s your first time having sex and neither is Mark but you don’t know why that certain nervousness was gone. He was smiling sweetly to you when he made his way in between your legs kissing your lips again. You feel Mark’s hands roam around your naked body and his touch are just as addicting like his lips. “I’ll be right back”

In the quickest way possible, he went to his bathroom to pump his dick a few more times to make it even harder and grabbed a few condoms from the drawer.

“Mark Lee, are you planning use all six of that?” you were pointing at the condoms.

He chuckled at what you said and went back in between your opened legs and give you a kiss again. “Baby, want to roll it?” he asked, giving you a packet of condom and you nod your head excitedly.

When all is settled, both of his hands are on both sides of your head, cock already lined up, he’s just taking his time with you. “Thank you, Y/n” it should have been ‘i love you, y/n’ but again he kissed you to silence his thoughts.

Pushing inside you slowly, feeling how your walls felt so warm around him. You on the other hand, moaned out the hurt and kissed Mark until you smile whenever he playfully thrusts in you to catch your attention and look at his eyes.

Mark was cute the whole time he was rolling his hips. Cute but fucking hot when looks directly in your eyes and intentionally goes deeper inside. It was quiet and only your moans and his, the skin slapping from Mark’s thrusts are the sounds you can hear inside his room.

You guide his hand to grip your left boob and he got the message and he kneads them. Pulling Mark’s head close to your boobs so he can suck it like the ones you saw in porn, he got the message too. All these are new to him but he’s happy you’re okay with him having the full experience using your body.

If Mark gave you the best full experience for prom, you’re going to give him the best full experience in having sex. It was not long when Mark reached his climax and shoot his cum in the condom and you on the other hand came with the help of his fingers and shivered like crazy underneath him.

Pulling out immediately, he threw the condom and lay beside you, covering you with his familiar sheet that you only use to cover your eyes during scary movies. But now, he’s using it to cover both of your naked bodies. When he pulled you close to him, you were still shivering and sensitive. So he kissed you and until you finally calm down and accept his warmth.

The next day, the sun is shining brightly on Mark’s room and your naked bodies are still underneath Mark’s sheets. You caught him looking at you when you opened your eyes, and you greet him with a smile like you usually do whenever you two had sleepovers.

Waking up with Mark beside you smiling handsomely is not new for you, this happened a hundred of times already. But waking up with Mark beside you naked and his hand is on your waist, is definitely new for the both of you.

“Good morning, beautiful”

“Good morning “ you greet him back with a hoarse voice, “oh wow your smile is nice. Who did you fucked last night, huh?” you added playfully cupping his handsome face and smiling brightly like the sun.

“You” he said with a grin on his face.

“Oh, that’s right I gave you that smile. Can I take it back?” you leaned to his face for a kiss, and you showered him with kisses while you both laugh and giggle like little kids. He ended up being on top of you again, just like last night while he was inside of you.

He lay back on the mattress, thinking maybe you don’t want to do this anymore but it’s morning, and being horny in the morning is something he cant control. So he asked you, “are we still together?”

“Yes. Just until breakfast “ you answered him without hesitation.

That’s his go signal to kiss you again just how you like it. Feeling his incredible lips again that you will surely miss the moment you two eat breakfast. Slowly pushing the sheets away, exposing your body again for him but this time in broad daylight and he can see all of you.

He props he arms and stayed beside you, admiring your glow under the morning light that shines through his window while you let his right hand cup your pussy and let him play with it.

You knew what he’s doing. He’s making you feel good and he’s just laying beside you watching you moan his name with closed eyes and parted lips. The position was damn too comfortable you can move your legs all you want until you’re satisfied while he’s putting digits inside you, gliding his finger up and down your slit or in and out of your cunt.

“Mark” you moaned his name when he finally hit the nerve while your left leg opens a little while he touch you. When it was all too much, you grab hold to his hand begging him to stop because it’s making you weak in all ways possible. And when he did stopped, you were breathing deeply and sharply.

You watch him lick the fingers that went inside you and he looked so hot. He waited for you to calm down and press yourself to his body for an embrace. You and Mark stayed embracing each other thinking how you don’t want this to be over yet. Thinking loudly but not saying it to each other.

You both want the same thing but none of you knew that truth. For you, Mark only loves you as a friend. And for Mark, he cant pursue you because he’s going away eventually and you don’t deserve that kind of love.

“You do know that what you did for me is a big deal, right?” Mark breaks the silence but not the embrace.

“Mhmm. Are you happy? Cause I am” you heard Mark’s heart beats faster and loudly as you pull him more and tighten your embrace.

“I’m so happy, I can finally die” it made you both laugh but still not moving to break the embrace and finally have breakfast.

After what happened you two spend your days together like how you normally do. Going to school together, Netflix and chill, church every Sundays. And if someone will accidentally brought it up, you two will just laugh it all out.

Come graduation, the saddest day of your life. That and the day after graduation. Graduation simply means ‘Goodbye Mark Lee’ and finally letting him go and wish him luck for his college years in Canada.

“I hate Canada” you cry your eyes out as you two sit in front of the big feast your family and his family prepared for graduation dinner and Mark’s send off. “Why do you have to pick the earliest flight tomorrow” you whine.

Mark hugged you and gave you a spoonful of ice cream that you cant resist. “Sorry, I just have to take care of a lot of things before school starts” It’s not that you hate him for going home to Canada and study for college there, but you didn’t even get to spend the summer with him because he has to be there already.

The night before Mark leaves, it was emotional. You cried and cried in your room, looking at the pictures in your phone and the ones that are on your bedside drawer. You cried until you were tired and eventually fall asleep.

Mark leaves at exactly 6am.

And it’s 5am when your mother woke you up with a panic. “Your father had a heart attack. The ambulance is taking too long”

Everything happened so fast that you didn’t have a chance to think it all through. Because of the panic, you drove your parents straight to the hospital as fast as you can, crying while you’re driving and saying your apologies to Mark that he will not hear because you left your phone at home.

“Why isn’t she picking up?” Mark is already at the airport, waiting for you and his flight. Half mad but mostly sad. “She cant just let me leave without saying goodbye right?” he was furious already in front of his parents.

But you never came. And he went back to Canada with a broken heart. He was mad to you because you were petty and selfish just because he can’t stay here for the summer you made him suffer by not sending him off.

While Mark is in the air and up above the clods hating you, you’re in the hospital crying because you lost your father. It was so painful for you to see your mother cry and constantly blame yourself for not driving fast enough instead of crying for Mark while you were driving.

Mr. and Mrs. Lee told Mark the news about your father. It takes a matter of seconds for him to burst into tears while he was in the middle of fixing his dorm room and immediately taking back everything bad he said to you through texts.

In the day of the funeral Mark’s mother handed you her phone, “A phone call from Mark, love. I think you should talk to him, maybe he can cheer you up.” It was sweet for Mrs. Lee to tell you that, but you’re still mad at yourself and yourself mad at him for telling you such hurtful words. Nonetheless you took the phone from Mrs. Lee and answered without saying a word.

“Hi” you heard him gulp, he sound tired “I’m worried for y/n. Who’s taking care of you? You haven’t returned any of my messages or calls. Baby, you have to be strong” the pet name made you tear up, and you let your tears fall continuously because you miss him so much.

“Just say the word and I’ll come back there. Fuck college, I can enrol next semester”

“No don’t do that. I’m taking care of myself Mark, I’m sorry for making you worry” he was glad to hear your voice again. If he sounds tired, for him you sound sad and broken. “I promise to talk to you when I come home, okay” you added, and without any other words you gave back Mrs. Lee’s phone and excused yourself.

As you mourn with your mother and get used with all the changes, you realised that you have to be strong for her and for yourself. Days passed by slowly and it was torture everyday but Mark helped you with all that he can even though he’s far away.

He sends visitors in your house to cheer you up and so you won’t succumb into sadness. First he sends his parents because he figured you and your mother might need some company or help with anything.

The second visit that you got was Mark’s friends Jaemin, Haechan, Renjun and Jeno who made sure to make you laugh every second or minute.

And the third visit was from Mark, he came all the way from Canada. “Im here now” he wasn’t suppose to visit until Christmas but he can’t take it anymore, his worries are killing him. It’s like a dream being in Mark’s arms again, inside your room and enjoying his warmth.

“How’s Canada? Did you found a replacement for me yet?” you whispered, he was glad that you made a joke you’re starting to sound like your normal self again.

“If they can last six rounds on their first night having sex with me then yeah, they can replace you” you punched him hard on his arm and he let out a loud “ouch!” You’re sure that your punch will leave a bruise that he can take on his way back to Canada.

“I was kidd- fuck, y/n that hurt like a motherfu-“ he was really in pain and you can see his eyes watery already. “Im sorry” you kissed his arm and went silent again, curling on your bed waiting for Mark to embrace you again.

“I was just trying to make you laugh and you give back by punching me.” He embraced you again, caging you with his arms. “Even if someone can last 12 rounds, I will still not replace you and you know that”

When Mark’s three day visit has come to an end, you get to say goodbye now. And even when he’s away again, he still takes care of you and your mom by any ways he can. It went on and on and on until you’re finally back on your feet. Though of course half a year is still not enough to fully recover from your loss, you don’t have much of a choice.

College was incredibly tiring and challenging but its better than staying in your room and looking at the ceiling for weeks. It’s a good thing too that college kept you busy and diverted from being sad and lonely. You had new friends and they are great, a couple of suitors but no one can still top Mark’s charms. And you’re more than happy to see your mother smile and cook around the kitchen again. Just like you she fights hard to have a happy life again.

“Can you please eat more? You’re getting thinner and thinner every week I swear! Don’t wait for me to go there and make you eat” you’re getting an earful from Mark because he noticed you got thin because of the stress and maybe from your depression.

“Bye Mark, I gotta go. Need to finish this paper, love you ugly person!” You waved goodbye to him through your phone screen.

“Love you too, please go eat” he says before ending the call.

The moment you finished the paper, you thought about teasing Mark because you got an earful from him earlier. With all you courage and bravery, you sent him a sexy picture. Not too vulgar but enough to make him hard and that’s for sure.

You: [attached photo]

You: Miss me?

After a couple of seconds, your phone dings.

Mark: I do :(

Two years have passed and everything is still fine and you’re completely happy with everything in your life. College is going pretty well, your mom is happy and that’s what always matters, and Mark.... became busy. You two can only talk during Sunday nights because he has a part time job already and he needs to study, so who are you to demand for time, right?

Until one day you saw a girl behind him sleeping in his bed so soundly during one of your FaceTime calls with him. “Let me guess, she can lasts six rounds” there was bitterness with how you talked to him, you’re just thankful that he didn’t deny it.

“Eight actually” it was not right to say that and he knew that, but he doesn’t understand why are you so upset.

“The fact that you told me you’re busy and you cant talk to me because of some reasons then I’ll find out about this? Im your best friend” there was a moment of silence, then it hit you. “Am I?” he never once lied to you, even if he wants to lie to you about something he always tells you the truth no matter how it will hurt your feelings.

“Of course you are, you’re hurting me how can you say things like that”

You ended the call and ignored him for much more important stuff in your life.

A month of not talking became seven hurtful months, you figured if he can replace you he can be replaced too. You thought maybe that this is just for the sake of having revenge, but it’s not.

Taeyong was definitely not for revenge. You fell hard, head first and it felt good. He was a lot like Mark but more free spirited than Mark or maybe because he’s older and he’s graduating college soon. Taeyong adore you and your mom, he can even make your mom laugh and you’d be happy just by hearing her laughs. Sex with him was also great. Greater than the one you had with Mark but you figured thats already given because Taeyong is experienced.

You were in the middle of finishing a paper when Taeyong lure you into taking a break and have an adult stress release. With no questions asked you jumped on him, leaving your laptop open and leaving your paper that’s due in a couple of hours.

He was balls deep inside you when Mark called through FaceTime and your FaceTime in your laptop automatically accepts calls. You didn’t even know that the call was ongoing and that Mark saw you and Taeyong having sex in your bedroom.

Mark called to tell you know that he’s wrong about choosing someone over you and that he’s coming home for a three day vacation again. But instead of having a talk with you, Mark saw you and Taeyong while you’re both at it and he saw you laughing loud when while Taeyong is kissing your neck. Mark looked away and ended the call.

Days passed by and you didn’t know about what Mark saw. And it’s been almost a year from the last time you two had a conversation, that’s why you’re shocked when you saw him at church one fine Sunday morning. After the mass you waited for him outside the church, “You hate me so much that you didn’t even tell me you were coming home?” you were furious.

He didn’t say a word because he remembered how you’re happy having sex with Taeyong a few days ago. “You hate me so much you didn’t tell me anything about your boyfriend” he said and walked away, just like that.

Mark never stopped loving you, but he was hurt. He went to your house but didn’t have the guts to knock and talk to you but your mother saw him. “Mark? My love what are you doing here? Its cold outside, come in y/n is not home so its safe” he was shocked that your mother knew about his misunderstanding with you.

Your mother made Mark his favorite tea and gave it to him with a smirk that made him let out a laugh. “Im guessing you knew already?” You mom nods, still has a smirk on her face.

“Taeyong is a sweet boy you don’t need to worry. You can’t blame him, you’re too slow. You always had your chance but I don’t know what’s keeping you from winning her. I’m starting to get disappointed” your mother teases Mark and playfully pretends that she’s disappointed.

“I’m better than that guy- just give me a few more months. Or years” Mark gulped, realising what he’s promising to your mother, “I won’t stop until I become your son in law”

“That’s the spirit! To be perfectly honestly you two are stressing me out, so please do what you must”

You are getting tired of the constant push and pull with Mark so you decided to finally talk to him and iron things out before things get out before misfortunes like losing your friendship happens. Even though you’re not sure if he’s okay to talk you still went to his house, only to find out that he went somewhere. “It’s okay Mrs. Lee, I’ll wait here” you point at their porch swing and there, you wait for your best friend to come home.

“Y/n?”

“Hey” you nervously stood up from the swing, “I was waiting for you”

“Good. We need to talk” he sat down next to your side of the swing and he rocks it gently, giving you guys a little breeze. You notice he’s awfully in a good mood and you wonder why.

“Can we please stop fighting? This is not us. I miss you and- I don’t have to fabricate what I want to say to you. I miss my best friend, and that’s that” you kept it real and short because you’re dying to hear him talk, you want to hear his side, his point of view, his say in all of this.

“I wasn’t keeping that girl, she was never a secret. It just kind of happened. Life can be so stressful if you’re alone and far from home. Then you over reacted and started calling me a liar but the truth is I don’t know how to say that ‘hey, I had sex last night’”

“Of course you can tell me if you had sex with other girls Mark, why would you think that I won’t care?”

“Don’t fool yourself, y/n. We both know we have feelings for each other. We don’t say it out loud because were scared someone might get hurt. But our actions speaks loud and clear for us”

What Mark said was true, and as expected the truth was too much for you. Taeyong flashes in your mind and you constantly ask yourself if this is considered cheating. “What are we going to do now?” you asked him.

“I know too well what I’m going to do, and I’m not telling it to you. And I know that Taeyong is a nice person, I know because I just talked to your mom. If you’re happy with him, then be happy with him. Don’t let what’s going on between us ruin that great relationship. I just want for us to stop fucking fighting, like what you said I miss my best friend and that’s that” he smiled sweetly at you and pulled you in a hug. His hug that you missed so much you don’t want to let go now.

‘Good things happen to those who wait, but great things happen to those who ‘hustle’ it’s a quote that Mark read somewhere in the internet and he couldn’t agree more. But in his case, he can’t ‘hustle’ because that means stealing you from Taeyong. So he waits. Patiently. If fate decides to bring you two together, then Mark will definitely grab that chance.

Things went back to normal and the two of you talk again everyday during your senior year in college. Sharing stressful times during internship and talking about what you guys want to happen in the future. It’s always been like this with Mark, you two are very different people who have different views and goals in life but nonetheless you support each other no matter what happens and you two somehow meet in the middle and work things out. For the importance your friendship.  

Did you stop him from studying college in Canada? No. Did he stop you from dating Taeyong? No. You strongly believe that your differences makes your friendship more interesting.

You and Taeyong on the other hand, had a rough time and decided to end things because it’s the right thing to do. He can’t keep on disappointing you when he forgets about your dates, he has a stable job so he’s busier than ever and he admits he’s been falling out of love. You were hurt. And you decided to stay single and heal alone from the heartbreak before you open a new chapter with Mark. Now, you’ve been single for almost half a year already and Mark is clueless.

“Do you think that it’s unfair that you get to attend to my graduation but I can’t attend on yours?” you watch Mark fix his gradation robe through your phone and you feel so proud of your best friend.

“Fine. Fly here now, I’ll give you an hour” he jokes, and you both let out a laugh. “Don’t worry, were still having the same graduation dinner. Again.” he adds.

“Okay fine, then. I’ll see you tomorrow, at my graduation. Oh can you bring that robe? I want us to take a picture wearing our graduation gowns” you pout through your screen.

“Well, It’s not allowed but fine princess, I’ll make it happen” the pet name made your heart flutter.

Graduation felt more like prom to you. Why? Because you’re looking forward to see Mark and take cute graduation pictures with him. After the graduation ceremony, it was not hard for you to find him because he’s the only person who’s wearing a different graduation robe.

“Mark!” you ran towards him excitedly and he catches you with welcoming arms. “you look fucking handsome!”

“I know, told you I’ll make it happen” he winks at you and put you down on the ground.

“Now now children, just like prom. Look at the camera. Big smiles please!” your mother initiates to take those cute pictures you always dreamed of. “Honey go see some of your friends, we’ll wait here” and off you go to say goodbye to your friends.

While you were away, your mom took the chance to talk to Mark and tell him that you and Taeyong are long gone. “What? She didn’t tell me anything about them breaking up” Mark was shocked, he felt betrayed for a moment but mostly happy because now he can finally ‘hustle’.

“Honey, she wants to recover from the breakup by herself. She didn’t want to drag you in the mess. Just like you she waited patiently for the right time, until she heals”

Because of that great news, and you didn’t know that Mark already knew about the truth, he became bold about his feelings for you. Now that you’re both home and Mark will not go back to Canada anytime soon, you spend each day together just like when you were in high school. You notice how he flirts with you constantly everyday, how he tells you he loves you without even stuttering, he even asked you, “if we end up getting married someday, which will probably happen” he winks, “how many kids do you want” and the question completely caught you off guard.

It was Netflix and chill night and you and Mark are cuddled in the middle of his bed watching a scary movie, screaming and shouting like teenagers. After the movie, he needed to pee but he didn’t want to go to the bathroom alone, “come on, I’ll stay with you while you pee” you offered and he gladly accepted.

While he pees, you snoop around his bathroom stuff and you see the box of condoms and recognised the condom brand, “is this the one we used that night?” you asked boldly.

He chuckled low, shy to to answer your question but he said, “same brand. different box”

Something came inside your head that maybe he used it all up while he waits for you ‘patiently’ during your time with Taeyong. “And no I didn’t fool around while I was waiting for you. The box before that was the box. Our box.”

“So this new box will wait patiently too?” you teased him.

“No it’s for tonight” he came closer to you and hugged you from behind, looking at you through the mirror. “Why didn’t you say that you and Taeyong were long done?”

“Let me guess, my mom told you” he nods, you turned around to face without breaking his grasp around your waist. “That’s cheating” the teasing never stops and you returned the hug. Putting your arms around his neck and ruffling his soft hair.

“Are we together again?” Mark asked shyly, his blush was visible and it made smile and nod your head to answer his question.

The next thing you know, your lips touched. It was like the first time you kissed him, or rather the second time. The way he kisses you is still the same, full of love, careful and addicting. It’s the exact same lips you want to kiss everyday and forever for as long as you want, and anytime you want.

He caries you back to his bed without breaking the kiss, thinking about how many times he imagined this kind of moment with you again. He sat on the edge of his bed as he puts you on his lap and carefully removes your clothes. You did the same with him and you’re eyes  widened when he’s perfect body greets you. “You’ve been working out?”

“Mhmm. Since the day you sent me that sexy picture of yours, thought it might not be fair if you’re the only one who has a hot body” the thought of Mark looking forward to have sex with you again made you laugh and remove the pieces of clothing remaining in your body. You pushed him to the mattress and removed your pants in one swift move then proceed to remove Mark’s.

The kissing continues once you’re both naked in bed already, touching each other freely and boldly. Mark being on top and you laying comfortable beneath him. As the moment became more intense, the feeling of his kisses changed. It became filthy and lustful, and you want more. He took turns between your lips and your nipples, holding you close to his body. “I’ll be right back”

You try to guess how many condoms he’s going to use tonight, and to your surprise. He brought one. Only one. And somehow you get what he’s saying with that condom statement.   “One condom is enough to prove and show to you how I love you so much, then I can do it again on the next day, then again and again” he kissed your nose as he kneels in between your legs. “but if you want to finish the whole box tonight, it’s fine with me”  

“Hmm. No, one is enough for me too”

“Thought so too” he guides your hand to pump his dick and make him hard even more before he rolls the condom. He put both of his arms on both sides of your head and leaned down even more so he could reach your lips and kiss you while he fucks you. It was a feeling like any other when Mark finally pushed in. Not even Taeyong can make you feel good like this, as if every thrust is full of pleasure.  

You feel your body being dragged from the mattress because of his fast pace and hard thrusts. Eventually pulling away from the kiss for air and let out all your whines. Mark’s thrusts are sometimes slow and deep like he’s rearranging your guts, and sometimes his thrusts are piercing and fast.

“No more pretending, I love you and I will never let you go again” he said those beautiful words while he was thrusting fast and gripping your hand, bringing you to your climax.

You do love him too so much but you can’t say it out loud because he didn’t stopped thrusting until it’s too much for you that your toes curled and you shake uncontrollably underneath him, moaning his name loudly. He finally stopped and loaded the condom with his cum. You watch him removed it from his dick and throw it away but his dick still shoots some more cum on the sheets and you watch him get embarrassed.

After cleaning up, he slides under his thick cover and cuddles with you. Arms around each other saying ‘i love you’ over and over again and sealing it with hundreds of kisses.  

Story time 

During my prom, I have this friend who moved to Canada we were really good friends. He became face of the night during prom because everyone wants to take pictures with him because he’s going to leave the next day already. 

We stayed good friends we just talk everyday and he helped me through a really bad breakup and then I helped him surprise his girlfriend during valentines. (we have a flower shop and he bought expensive af flowers for the girl and we delivered it to her house) the she cheated. 

And then after six years he went home and we had coffee :))))

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[vanderlindemorgans]

Cross My Heart (Chapter 5)

Pairing: Agent Whiskey x Reader

Rating: Explicit/18+

Summary: A traitorous Agent Whiskey returns to the United States on the run. Being cast out by Statesman, he soon finds that you’re the only person he can turn to - the embittered former flame from years long passed

Word count: 7.5k

Warnings: Eventual smut, some references to alcoholism and drug use. Reader is in her late twenties but there is an age gap between her and Whiskey. Chapter specific warnings: one scene takes place in a hospital, some medical talk, more heavy drinking, talk of death and alcoholism (specifically related to drunk driving), mentions of drug addiction, Whiskey being a dick, lotta heavy topics in general.

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“Alright, so the X-Rays have come back and as you can probably already guess your left arm has been fractured”.

The news hadn’t been a shock to you at all - it was only logical that the result of being thrown off the back of a horse was your arm breaking from the impact of the fall, nevermind the sheer amount of pain that it had already caused you was even more indication that something was definitely wrong there. All things considered, it still wasn’t a pleasant piece of news to receive, causing you to let out a low groan as you settled back into the hospital gurney they had allocated to you after the ambulance had pulled you in. Dressed in only a hospital gown, you felt the chill from the room's air conditioning prick the edges of your skin, the coolness of temperature making the whole experience even more foreign to you. Of course, it wasn’t like you’d never been to a hospital before - an unlucky bout of croup had sent you to the emergency room as a little kid when you’d almost stopped breathing. At the resurgence of that particular memory you felt yourself shudder, recalling the hours spent passed out in a brightly lit room and being forced to drink gross tasting liquid that was meant to clear up your airways. At least you weren’t choking on your own breath this time round. 

“Well that’s just fantastic. How long will it take to heal? I kinda got a ranch to run” you asked the doctor, who was standing off to the side consulting the clipboard nestled against his arm. Sighing, he looked up at you with a look of sympathy while he ran through the information he’d jotted down on his notes. “Usually it takes twelve weeks for fractures to heal - given the fact that a good part of your arm has been displaced you’ll need to be put into surgery to shift the bone back into place, which we’ll have scheduled for you in the next twenty-four hours. Afterwards, I’ll be putting you in a cast for a couple of weeks and you’ll have to come back in for checkups weekly. I’ll also give you a list of rehabilitation exercises you can do to ensure the recovery process goes as smoothly as possible” he explained. “After your surgery and subsequent discharge, I heavily recommend a few days bed rest due to the concussion you have sustained”.  

“So I’m guessing most physical labour is out then” you muttered under your breath, sighing once you realized how heavily this would impact your ability to keep things running smoothly back at the ranch. Yes, you had employees but without you to oversee everything things would slow down and descend into madness real quickly. You wished you had allocated some sort of second in command for times like this, a manager of sorts to keep things in place while you recovered but you’d just never gotten around to it, brushing the thought aside every time it sprung up with a simple “Why would I need extra help anyway? Nothing ever happens around here”. 

“You’d be correct on that. Now, I have some other patients to check on but I will be back in about 20 minutes or so to prep you for surgery, though I will send a nurse to give you some painkillers so you can stop feeling the worst of the pain for at least a little while” he replied. You went to thank him but before you could you felt a light touch graze along your right arm. Your eyes glanced over to where Jack’s hand was placed, his touch delicate and comforting, sparking that same feeling in your chest that you’d felt when he’d stroked your forehead back at the ranch. His eyes met your own for a moment, deep cedar brown looking at you with nothing more than concern and worry, somehow pulling at a single string of your heart even though you wanted to fight against it with all your might.

Snapping you focus back into place, you nodded back over to the doctor and thanked him for all he was doing, listening to his reassurances that he’d have you fixed up as soon as possible as he hurried on out of the room to his next patient in need. Once he was gone, you exhaled in annoyance and went back to staring aimlessly at the ceiling, mulling over the inconvenience of your predicament. 

“Everything ok, sugar?” you heard Jack ask you, feeling his enchanting eyes study your expression, his anxiety over your wellbeing plain as day. Letting out a small laugh, you returned his question with a small smile of your own. “Does it look like I’m ok?” you joked, gesturing vaguely to your fractured arm. 

He chuckled at your sarcasm, always enjoying that certain fire you had to your character that refused to silence itself. Unbeknownst to you, that was one of things that drew him towards you in the first place - his own air of cockiness and confidence was equally matched by your spitfire and sarcastic wit. Finding out the sweet disposition that lay behind that harshness the first time round had taken him by complete surprise, but only did more to endear himself to you. God, he was such a fool for losing that. He was certain that your sweetness was still there, closed behind even more layers of hurt and pain that he’d caused such a large hand in. 

From the moment the ambulance had arrived, Jack had stayed beside you, refusing to leave for even a single moment. It was quite endearing, truth be told, a feeling that attempted to worm its way through your steadfast reasoning against him. He’s a liar. Don’t fall for his shit again, you repeated to yourself. Though it was becoming harder and harder to continue regarding him as your greatest mistake when he was behaving so kindly and gentlemanly towards you. Just a part of his deceptive charm, I guess, you thought bitterly. 

“Y’know, you don’t have to worry about things gettin’ outta hand down at the ranch. I’m more than happy to step up and help” he spoke up, snapping your attention back to his words and out of your own contemplation. You thought about his proposal for a minute, the temptation to say yes seeming very appealing towards you, though somehow that felt like admitting to weakness. The ranch wasn’t his responsibility, it was yours, left to you by your dear parents. It was your obligation to run it in their stead - there’d been difficulties along the way, sure, including the occasional nasty cold every now and then but you had pulled through without any trouble. You didn’t need help or any sort of handout, and you were more than capable of taking care of business by yourself, even with a broken arm.

Then again, it is gonna be kinda hard to run a business while being confined to bed rest. Briefly you thought about just closing the ranch for a couple of days while you got back on track yet once you thought about the loss in profits you discarded that idea quickly. It wasn’t like you were struggling to make ends meet but a dip in profits could cause a bit of issue. 

“Yeah but...It’s my responsibility. I can’t just ignore that because I got a stupid broken arm” you rebuffed, though you didn’t sound entirely convinced of what you were saying yourself. Sadly, stubbornness was your nature and even if you knew you were fighting a losing battle, sometimes it was more about the principle of having a position rather than whatever thing you were debating over. Some would say that was quite a counterproductive way to look at things, and you’d agree with them, yet you still remained stubborn in spite of them, feeding back into the cycle.  

“Darlin’, with all due respect, I think what’s best for you is that you take a step back and let someone else take the reins. You need to allow yourself to rest a lil. Tell me, in all the years of runnin’ the ranch by yourself, have you ever once taken a day off?”. 

“No, but-”.

“Exactly as I thought. You’ve been doing an amazing job at keeping things together for all these years, sweetheart, but you gotta relax a bit. Let me help you” he interrupted, gazing at you with those heart-meltingly sweet eyes of his, a look which made you seize up ever so slightly in minor fake annoyance. Little shit, he had to be doing that on purpose.

“Fine, only if it’ll get you to shut up” you relented, rolling your eyes in a dramatic fashion and hitting your head back down into the pillow below, eliciting a playful smirk from him in return. “That’s my girl, stubborn as always” he jested. 

To that you cocked an eyebrow at him in disbelief. “Your girl? Careful there, Jack, for a minute I thought you were capable of genuine compassion and care. I may have once been your girl, cowboy, but not anymore. Or did you happen to forget?”. 

His own expression softened slightly in regards to your snide remark, his mischievous grin faltering while he turned his gaze to the floor, looking somewhat sheepish towards what you had said, a far cry from his usual air of arrogance. “Yeah, I guess I deserve that” he murmured. “Tell me, sugar, do you ever think one day you’ll believe me when I say that I’m sorry?”. 

“When pigs fly, dearest” you smiled with a shit-eating grin, though you couldn’t miss that momentary flash of hurt in his eyes that made you pull back, a sharp pang striking through your chest that hurt harder than the agonizing ache in your arm, which really, was saying something. Could that be...guilt, perhaps?, you thought, searching Jack’s face for any further sign of offense. If he was feeling hurt, he was doing a pretty stellar job at hiding it. Maybe it was nothing, and even if he was hurt, well, he said it himself, he deserved it. Without giving you another minute to ponder your own feelings, a welcome interruption in the arrival of a nurse found you, shifting your thoughts towards the relief of finally getting some painkillers into you. 

___

The surgery had gone over well, and after a grueling day spent hanging out in that hospital room hopped up on painkillers you were finally discharged late afternoon the following day. The worst of your concussion had cleared itself up too yet you were still confined to your bed for those first few days - the doctor was insistent on that fact, saying you could never be too careful. You’d begrudgingly complied, not wanting to cause any further problems to your health, and even if you had tried to go against the doctor’s orders, you knew that Jack would be there to send you off back to bed if you dared lift a finger. 

Jack had doted on you the entire time, making sure you were well hydrated and cool enough in the midst of the hot Texas summer, fetching you snacks and whatever else you needed from downstairs. In his own words, what kind of man would he be if he didn’t take care of an ailing woman. You’d rolled your eyes and insisted that he didn’t have to go all out with looking after you yet he’d insisted. It was somewhat heartwarming, and it felt nice to be taken care of again after those last few years alone. It reminded you of when you’d come down with the flu back in third grade, staying home in bed lazily watching television and barely being able to keep your eyes open while your mum made soup in the kitchen. You could feel your heart drop at the mere recollection of your parents, pain that stayed beneath the surface rising up in full force. Usually you pushed those feelings down, not wanting to become distracted from the business, but today, you allowed yourself the indulgence of missing them. What would they think if they could see you now? Would they be proud, or disappointed? 

Feeling your stomach grumble, you shifted over in bed and reached your only good arm out to grab onto the half-eaten grilled cheese Jack had brought in for you five minutes before, letting out a low wince at the pain that writhed through your other arm, which had been placed into a cast and sling for the time being. Already you couldn’t wait for the day you could get the damned thing taken off - you hadn’t been able to shower and you felt grotty and gross. It wasn’t like you had to impress anyone, it was just you and Jack lying about the place. Still, you could only take so many days of waking up with unwashed greasy hair. And it was itchy too. Oh dear god, it was fucking itchy. You’d heard about how itchy the plaster could get second-hand but you never anticipated it to be that bad. 

Directing your eyes to the clock on your bedside, you took notice of the time and let out a small relieved sigh. You could finally take another one of those painkillers, the fourth and dismally last one for you of the day. 

Your relief quickly fizzled out into disappointment when you realised the packet of painkillers that had been sitting by your bedside was empty. “Seriously? It’s only been a few days, I couldn’t have gone through them already…” you muttered to yourself in annoyance. Nevermind, there was another packet downstairs. You may have been perfectly capable of getting out of bed and retrieving it yourself, though you found yourself not wanting to be bothered with such a task. “Hey Jack, you there? I ran out of painkillers, could ya run some up to me?” you called out.

“Sure thing, sweetheart” you heard him shout back, and no more than two minutes later he was striding through your bedroom door, carrying exactly what you had requested within his palms. “How are you feelin’?” he asked. 

“No better than six minutes ago when you last asked me that. Thanks for bringing these up though, fuck that stupid horse for bucking me off” you grumbled, sniping the blessed white packet out of his hands and into your fingers. “Pain making you grumpy, sweet girl? You seem a bit more full of spitfire than usual today” he joked. 

“Nah, you’re getting the discounted version today. If I wanted to vocalise exactly what I was feeling right now you’d be obliterated in a second” you laughed, chucking a tablet into your mouth and washing it down with a large gulp of water, anxious to feel some semblance of relief. 

“You don’t say. How’s your head doing, though? No dizziness or anything like that?”. 

“I’m fine, Jack, I promise. You don’t have to fawn all over me just because I broke my dumb arm” you assured, rolling your eyes at him. 

“I wouldn’t call in fawning, I only want to make sure you're comfortable and all that. Not only because of your arm and all” he smiled gently, reaching out to brush a stray hair off your forehead. It could have been the heat of the room but you could have sworn your skin felt on fire the moment he touched you. You could feel him press the back of his fingers against your head, unconsciously allowing your breath to hitch at his touch. And just like that, the warmth of his hand was gone, leaving an invisible searing mark in its place and your own head full of frenzied and confused thoughts. 

“Like I said earlier, just call out if you need anything else, alright darlin’?” he said as he was leaving, words that you didn’t care to take notice of as he left you to yourself again. Blinking slowly, you couldn’t even fully begin to describe what had just taken place, or why one little gesture was throwing your mind into somersaults. Why did his mere touch have to affect you like that? Why couldn’t he just leave you alone? Groaning loudly, you settled yourself underneath the sheet covering you and huffed at nobody in particular, cursing both yourself and him for even existing. For fucks sake...

___

Taking a sip of bourbon from your glass, you leaned against the side of the stairs of the veranda with your gaze fixated off into the distance, though you didn’t take any notice of what lay ahead, lost deep in your own thoughts that clouded your mind. It’d been a couple more days, and you’d finally been able to get out of bed and get back to helping out around the ranch - not that you were still of any use to anyone, given the state of your arm. It felt good to be back overseeing things, albeit a bit more behind the scenes than you had been in years. It’d be a good month or so before you were able to move your arm properly and have things back to normal. At first that fact did nothing short of irritating you, since you weren’t one to lie about helpless when work needed to be done. Over the last few days though, seeing the ranch go about with business as usual with Jack’s extra help had put you at ease a little. It still bothered you somewhat that you had to be asking any sort of help from Jack Daniels of all people, though really, he was the one offering it in the first place so you hadn’t so much as asked him to do anything, moreso conceding to his instistance at the behest of your stubbornness. 

The pain was getting a little better too, though whether that had more to do with the painkillers or not remained to be seen. For example, you couldn’t feel anything now but you had just ingested two glasses of pure straight bourbon, so of course any type of pain would be numbed. Remember when it could numb more than just that? You let out a small snicker at the thought, sounding as hollow and empty as it felt. Once upon a time you might have been classed as relatively lightweight, a fact that changed after years of the trials and tribulations life had thrown your way. You still got drunk easy, but it took a good few glasses before you actually passed out.

“You know, you should let me sign that for ya”. 

Hearing that familiar voice ring out from behind you, you swivel around so see its owner standing right in the opened doorway of your home, his hands casually resting in his pockets and his frame leant against the wall. “What are we, in middle school? I don’t want it getting dirty” you scoffed, rolling your eyes at him for good measure. 

He smirked right back at you, letting out a small snicker that mirrored your own. “Why not? It’s not like you're gonna have to be wearin’ it forever. A little scribble in permanent marker wouldn’t do ya any harm” Jack grinned, taking a large step forward to descend down to your level, seating himself right next to you on the veranda. You cocked an eyebrow at him, letting your fingertips trail over the edge of the glass in your hands while you stared at him with utter audacity. “And yet I know you’re only so persistent in signing it because you’ll write something crude or vaguely flirty” you snipped. 

“How little you think of me, sugar. I’d never dream of doin’ such a thing. I am nothing if not a gentleman”. 

“Oh, do cut the charm, Jack. What is it you want?”.

“Please, can’t a man share a glass of bourbon with a lady without being subjected to the Spanish Inquisition?” he asked, wearing his devilish and frustratingly charming grin as he spoke, the appearance of which you swore made your cheeks flush a little bit hotter. Probably because of the alcohol...and it is hot out here after all...

“Not this lady, cowboy” you stated, gulping down the last dredges of bourbon in your glass and placing it back down to the floor with a thud. You went to go grab the bottle from beside you but found Jack had already snatched it up, pouring you another glass. Mumbling out a small thank you, you considered asking him if he wants a glass of his own, however once you caught sight of his silver Statesman issued flask in his hands you dismissed the idea entirely. With nothing else left to say, you glanced back up to the sky above towards where the moon was hanging over you two, the delicate light illuminating the stretches of countryside around your property in a soft glow, one that was both enchanting and eerie at the same time. Every now and then you would be reminded of how beautiful the Texan countryside could look, whether it be bathed in the rays of that damned blistering sun or the enigmatic glimmer of moonlight. It could pull you back to moments lost in time, years ago sitting right where you were in that very same spot, seven years younger and with the exact same man sitting beside you, head rested on his shoulder and looking out into the vast expanse of midnight black. Funny how things change, don’t they?

Out the corner of your eye you saw Jack shake his head, his eyes quiet, the sparkle of stark confidence bordering on plain arrogance missing. It was a similar look to the one he’d given you at the hospital that night, before he’d tried to cover it up with a certain facade of indifference. “What will it take for you to believe I’m sorry? What happened between us, it was all-” he started before being unceremoniously cut off by your interjection. 

“In the past? I’m well aware of that. Doesn’t change how I feel” you stopped him. You’d anticipated him throwing out that line from day one and you’d come prepared. Shut it down. Don’t let him try to swindle you for a fool. 

His expression changed to one more serious, a hint of him being slightly miffed that you cut him off in the first place. “Let me finish, darlin’. I’m gonna level with you for a second - what I did to you was one of the worst mistakes of my life. Letting everything fall apart like it did, I never should have let it happen” he expressed, his tone straddling between being firm and also being gentle. Cocking an eyebrow at him, you turned back to your glass of liquor, swirling the liquid around idly in a way that reminded you of that persistent thought running round your head. Did he have a point? Were you being too harsh on him? 

Don’t become soft on him. Don’t do it. You shifted back into focus, pushing those thoughts far to the back of your tipsy mind while you took a couple large sips of liquor as if it were a lifeline. “Worse than whatever mistake led you to showing up on my doorstep?” you asked, eager to direct the conversation right back out of that uncomfortable territory and into something a bit more easier to stomach. Maybe later on you could ponder the true depths of your perceptions of Jack. Right now, though, you wanted to get wasted and not have to think about anything anymore. And hey, it’s not like I wasn’t wondering about the events that led him here in the first place anyway.“You never did tell me what happened. I know you said it was none of my concern but...I want to know. Call it a spate of drunken curiosity, if ya want”. 

The question alone was enough to draw Jack’s face from being merely serious to an expression more cold and distant. He looked away from you entirely and rested his gaze to the few steps below the two of you, his hand clenching in a subconscious act that alone was enough to tell you his own reservations regarding the topic. “Truth is, I’ve been fucking things up for a good couple of years. What happened to lead me here, well, it ain’t a pretty story”. 

“I don’t care, Jack, I wanna know” you asserted, surging with a sense of fiery confidence. It might have been the alcohol giving you a bit more moxie to push the topic. One thing was for sure though: you wanted answers, and you didn’t wanna let this go. Stretching your legs out, you finished off the glass you had while you waited for him to reply, not wanting to cave to your request even if he was looking at you like you’d threatened to kill the President. 

Finally, he let out a low groan of annoyance and leant against the side of the veranda, not affording you a single look as he launched into his tale. “Basically what happened is some agents from an English based secret service came over to the states as a last resort - their base got blown up by someone and the two guys that approached us were the only ones left alive. Well, them and this other guy we had at our headquarters, but that’s a whole other story. The people behind the attack were a group called the Golden Circle, and Statesman had already been investigating them for awhile. I was called in by Champ to partner up with the Kingsman fellas, do the regular secret agent spiel of espionage and savin’ the world and all that crap. But, me and these other agents, we had an...ideological disagreement. I was covertly tryin’ to hinder them until the older guy got wise to my shit and shot me in the head. Ginger managed to bring me in and revive me, I went over to Cambodia where the two agents were confronting the leader of the Golden Circle, and to make a long story short things got nasty pretty quickly. I barely escaped with my life” he explained.

You nodded along to his explanation, the load of information being a lot to take in the first time round. You were always somewhat aware of Jack’s position as a secret agent though you were never privy to the nitty and gritty details - in fact, the way you’d found out about it in the first place was by complete accident and Jack had to beg Agent Champ to allow you to become cleared on even knowing the basics of his true work behind the front of being a Statesman investor. “And these ideological disagreements were…?” you pushed. 

“Trust me, you don’t wanna know” he deflected.

“Try me”.

He didn’t reply to you straight away, instead staring at you with a stark look of confliction across his face, an inner turmoil brewing inside of him on whether or not he should tell you even more. Being cast out as a traitor, he didn’t have to worry about breaking any sort of rule of confidentiality, so if you had to wager a guess at what his dilemma was, then it must have been that he felt mildly ashamed, or even embarrassed about the whole situation. In your mind though, you’d let him keep his secrets for weeks now, but if he was going to stay in your house you wanted to at the bare minimum know what he did that was so bad that he simply couldn’t return back home anymore.  “Well go on then, hit me with your best shot” you prodded further, hopefully enough to get his demeanour to crack and for him to spill what exactly the entire fuss had been about. And sure enough, crack he did. 

Running a hand across his forehead, he let out a low exasperated sigh, one that would have been inaudible if you hadn’t been seated beside him, indicating the exact moment he finally decided to break his own silence and reveal everything to you. “The Golden Circle were primarily a drug cartel and terrorist organization based out in the hidden depths of the Cambodian jungle. Their leader had devised a plot that involved lacing their distribution of drugs with a new type of chemical she created that caused death. Since their supply was mass distributed over the globe, they were holding the entire populace of drug users and addicts hostage to their respective governments, demanding a payout for the antidote. They didn’t, however, anticipate the President and other world leaders not really giving a red hot shit about the lives of junkies. Being the noble men they are, the Kingsman agents as well as the rest of Statesman were striving to get ahold of the antidote to save all those people. And that, is where me and them disagreed” Jack elaborated, avoiding your gaze in what appeared to be a calculated move in order to refrain from seeing your reactions to his admittance. In the span of two minutes, your expression had shifted from intense curiosity to straight up bafflement at what he was saying. It didn’t make sense - why was he against distributing the antidote? He was a secret agent, wasn’t he meant to save the world and innocent lives and all that?

“Let me get this straight - you were assigned on a mission to try to save the lives of innocent people, and you chose...not to do that” you asked, your tone laced with judgment. Not that you had intended for what you said to have come across any different. If what he was implying was right, then that would mean...

“Well, when you put it like that, sure, it sounds awful. I will concede, it wasn’t my best move. But all the people who ingested those drugs did so willingly. They knew they were taking a gamble on their lives the moment they stuck a damn needle into their arms” Jack grumbled defensively, allowing you to gawk back at him in utter disbelief. “Jack, no, you can’t seriously believe that? So what you’re saying is that the kid that decided to get high with his mates one weekend at a party deserves to die? Is that right?”. 

“No, no, I didn’t mean like that, I just…”.

“Really? ‘Cause it sounds a lot like you’re saying that innocent people should die for their poor choices” you cut in, shaking your head to further drive your point in. “Jesus, just when I thought you couldn’t be a bigger asshole you proved me wrong”. 

“Sweetheart, please, I know. It was a mistake, you don’t have to keep rubbing it in”. 

“You know it’s a mistake, but do you truly feel it? Do you really feel remorse? Because if you don’t then it’s just a bunch of empty words” you rebuffed, shooting him with a cold piercing glare that could make an entire continent freeze over. Around about this time, you really began to take notice of the dazed feeling clouding you, every glass of liquor draining straight into your brain and making you feel like your entire head was swimming. Maybe take it easy on the next glass, why don’t ya? With that thought, you shoved the glass off to the side with your free arm and bit your lip, debating whether or not you should even say what you wanted to next. That debate, however, did not last very long as you found yourself blurting out exactly what was on your mind within two seconds of your last thought. “Jack, look...maybe I’ll hate myself for saying this later, and maybe it’s just the liquor talking but I don’t think you’re an inherently bad person. I think you’re an arrogant son of a bitch who does cruel stupid things but probably has a decent enough heart. You just...you gotta stop with this shit. Stop with the betrayals, and the lies, and the false promises, all of it, and just be the real you. The Jack I knew may be a prick but he was never one to let an innocent die on his watch. What’s really behind all this?”. 

He continued to glare from his position beside you, somewhat intent on making you recant and drop the whole subject entirely. You wouldn’t go down that easy though, and he knew it, for as stubborn as Jack was you were at least ten times moreso, so when he folded first and trained his eyes low to the ground, you knew that he’d finally conceded. You could feel a whole shift in his demeanour from where you sat, the mask of defensive anger slowly falling away to reveal what was truly underneath: hurt. Pure, raw, unbridled hurt. Anguish that felt especially familiar to you and spoke to a part of yourself that you’d been turning away from for years, and even before he said those words you knew exactly what he was going to say. 

“Years ago, before I became an agent to Statesman, I was married to the young woman I’d fallen for in high school. I think I told you about her in passing maybe once, or twice, I don’t know…” Jack started, trailing off once he began to fully re-immerse himself in the past, heartache plainly sewn across his features. It was then that you felt an ache of your own in your chest, a heavy feeling of guilt descending upon you once you realised the gravity of what he was saying. “I remember. You said her name was Lily, wasn’t it?” you murmured, your voice small and unsure, with a hint of something else present too. Regret? Guilt? Whatever it was, you couldn’t quite put a name to it, but it was there, strong as anything and clearly wasn’t going away any time soon. 

Jack let out a small hum in reply, everything about his composure presumably a million miles away from everything around the both of you.“So you do remember” he muttered, brushing his fingers over the edge of his silver flask that he had cradled in his handles, tracing the Statesman logo engraved on the side with the pad of his thumb. “I remember you askin’ me about her the first time you came back to my apartment in New York - you saw the photo of her I kept on my desk and asked who she was. I only told you briefly that she was long gone, but I never told you how. The both of us were only twenty-three, and she was pregnant with our first child, a baby boy. Last time I saw her she left the house to go to the convenience store a few streets over”. He stopped himself for a split second, the darkness of his eyes being the all-too recognisable sign of falling deep into his own recollection, feeling as if he was reliving every memory that he revisited in his mind. “Twenty minutes later I get a phone call from a cop, saying there’d been an incident. Meth addicts had robbed the store at gunpoint and she’d been caught in the crossfire. She died instantly, and I wasn’t there to say goodbye. I never got to meet our baby boy, I never got to hold her in my arms again and say how much I loved her, because she was taken from me by a couple of meth-addled scumbags”. 

You were honestly at a loss for words, not knowing if saying something would be the appropriate option or not. He was right, you knew he was married before - the time with the picture that he mentioned was the most you had heard of her. He never brought Lily up again, and you never thought to ask, since in your mind it wasn’t any of your business who Jack loved before. Now, the pieces were falling into place, the interwoven connections of his past to his actions as an agent making all the more sense to you. 

What you wanted to do most was lean forward and envelop him into your embrace, tell him that you understood more than anyone what exactly that felt like, and even permit yourself to pour out your own heart to him. Drunk as you were though, you couldn’t talk yourself into doing anything more than placing a reassuring hand on his knee, letting your touch be soft and hesitant in case he shrugged you off, since you did basically just goad him into revealing his own wounds in the name of having answers. “Jack, I...I had no idea, I-”. 

“How could you have known? I never told you” he mumbled flatly. In the dim veranda light, all though it was faint, you could swear that there was a teardrop lingering in the corner of his cedar brown eyes, nudging the dagger of guilt further into your heart. Say something, you idiot.

Starting off softly, you let your hand rest firmer on his knee, trying to catch his eyes into your own. Tearing his glance away from the flask, he looked back at you with the same raw grief that you had seen on your own face so many times. “I know it must have hurt like hell losing her. And you have every right to feel angry, and hurt that she was taken, but that doesn’t give you the right to hate. Every addict in the world is not the same man who took her life. You can’t just-” you started, before the sound of Jack’s harshest tone cut through your words like a knife. 

“How would you know? Do you have any idea what it feels like to hurt, to have lost everything because of someone else’s choices?” he spat, anger seething in his scowl that was directed solely at you. It had taken you by surprise at first - as a reflex you withdrew your hand quickly from him as if he were burnt, perplexed at his sudden outburst. That didn’t last long however, as soon enough confusion was replaced by your own flair of anger. Now it was your turn to get defensive.“I think I do know what it’s like to hurt and to lose. In case you’ve forgotten, dickhead, there’s two people who should be right inside this house that aren’t anymore and haven’t been for about six fucking years now!” you yelled back. 

Shit. He’d forgotten about your parents. The anger that had been in him disappeared without a trace right then, being replaced by something close to resembling remorse over his behaviour. “I...I didn’t mean...fuck, sugar, I…I’m sorry. I don’t even know what to say” he apologised. You didn’t say anything back to him. You didn’t want to dignify him with any sort of a response. First of all, how dare he? You were only trying to empathise with him, and here he was biting your head off for daring to suggest that he doesn't hate every drug user on the planet. Why do I even fucking bother? 

The awkward silence between you hung for awhile, the two of you not wanting to break it for your own different reasons. You could feel Jack stealing glances at you, like he was trying to talk himself into saying something but never had the courage to follow through. Huffing to yourself, you took in your next glass fast enough to make your head spin. You’d have to turn in for the night eventually, and truth be told you were considering doing so right then when you heard Jack speak up. 

“I never did ask...if you don’t mind me askin’ that is...what happened to your folks anyway?” he asked hesitantly, as if he knew the question was fat-witted to begin with. Not that you minded too much by then. Drunk you was a lot more forgiving than you were sober. 

Taking in a heavy breath, you relayed your tale of woe to him, one hand placed steady to your side to keep you sitting upright. “It was late, and they were coming back from a friend’s 50th birthday party. Their friend lived in downtown Dallas, so they had a fair way to go to get from there to here. When they were almost on the highway, an out-of-control car barrelled towards them, smashing into the front of their windscreen and killing both of them instantly. The driver of the other car had been drinking - according to the local news he was a known alcoholic and had been out having a heated argument with his friend in the passenger seat. The only survivor of the entire collision had been his friend”. 

You saw Jack blink at you in silent shock, the weight of your words falling heavily on him while he continued to process it all. “Shit, darling, I feel like an even bigger piece of shit than I already did. If you slapped me clean across the face and kicked me out on my ass after this I wouldn’t blame ya one bit” he replied to you solemnly in a way that didn’t leave you questioning the authenticity of his words - he was genuinely sorry this time round. Taking his apology in stride, you shrugged back at him  and acted as nonchalant about the whole thing as possible, not wanting to ponder the topic further. As far as you were concerned, you’d felt enough things for one day and would very much like a break from it all. 

“It’s fine. You had no way of knowing. But please, if you take anything from this, at least listen to my words: externalising hate towards random people only feeds your trauma. It doesn’t resolve anything, and the only person left suffering in the end is yourself”. 

He furrowed his brow at you, most likely feeling a little defensive that the topic had circled back around to here, but considering his unruly display of anger earlier he wasn’t one to indulge in his own instinctual need to defend his position. “But...didn’t you want the man who took your parents away to suffer? Didn’t you look at every other drunk driving incident in the papers with a little more anger and rage than before?” he asked, earning a single eyebrow raise from you in return. “I mean...I guess what I’m trying to say is...it’s so easy to hate...why didn’t you fall into that trap?”. 

“Well, I did, for a little. It was almost tempting to look at every person I saw struggling with alcoholism in red. Since the man who caused the collision was already dead as a result of his own mistakes, at times I’d externalise part of that pain I was feeling onto others, and sometimes that anger became so hot and so burning that it was almost impossible to ignore. I realised pretty quickly that hating alcoholics wasn’t going to bring my parents back and that I’d have to make peace with their passing at some point. Honestly, I still haven’t processed a lot of that shit myself yet I’m still out here living my life as best I can, and really, with my own drinking habits I’d be a goddamn hypocrite to even try to find any true hatred in my heart towards heavy drinkers” you explained. Taking one last sip of bourbon, you discarded your glass off to your side and chuckled lightheartedly. “God, If I drink another glass I’m gonna collapse on the fucking floor. Think it might be time for me to turn in for the night. At least it’s Sunday tomorrow so we can sleep in a lil”.

“Y-you’re goin’ to bed? You’re not telling me to get lost or anything?” Jack sputtered in disbelief, which in turn earned him a minorly strange look from you. “Why would I do that?” you asked. 

“I quite literally just admitted to treason against my former organization to you”. 

“So? You made a mistake. A pretty fucking big mistake, and a shitty one at that, but still, a mistake. You obviously have some of your own pain you need to work through, and I can get that. Doesn’t mean I agree with what you did, but I get it. I’m not gonna kick you to the curb just because you have issues”.Upon saying that, you hoisted yourself up by latching your free arm onto the veranda’s fenceline, stumbling a little as you fought to maintain your balance while being both drunk and unable to fully utilise one of your arms. Nevertheless, you’d managed to straighten yourself up, and once you’d determined that you were alright to take yourself upstairs you faced on towards the front door and grasped at the brass knob in your hands, taking a brief pause to turn back and nod softly towards the man behind you. “Night Jack, I’ll see ya tomorrow” you called out, leaving him to sit there and watch you disappear back into the house with a certain look of dumbfounded astonishment.

Tag list (lemme know if you wanna be added): @giselatropicana​

#agent whiskey x reader #agent whiskey #jack daniels #jack daniels x reader #Kingsman #kingsman fanfiction #cross my heart #Kingsman: the golden circle #Pedro Pascal

[dawntainbobbynash]

Living With My Life on a Wire (Again)

Bobby has lost everything before. He knows what it'll do to him. But this time? It's not everything on the line. This time, he has to live.

This time, he has to hold himself together for whoever makes it out the other side.

(Or: 5 times Bobby couldn't break down + 1 time he finally did)

Warnings: Referenced overdose, alcoholism, drug addiction, child death

Bobby Nash ~ 2.5k ~ AO3

Harry is gone.

The realization sank in slowly, his heart refusing to believe it, struggling to comprehend his stepson’s disappearance even as he stared at the abandoned phone in Athena’s hand, even as he heard Michael start to panic and Elaine call for backup, even as he felt the life he had fought so hard to build start crashing down around him.

It all seemed so far away.

Michael’s voice grew more distant by the second, Elaine’s entirely silenced beneath the ringing in his ears. The comfort of his home melted away, the walls blurring out of focus, heat creeping into his veins, darkness like smoke rising up, up, up-

His lungs burned, his throat stung, but he ignored it all, tunnel vision narrowing down to his door, using all of his strength to kick, kick, kick it down-

He fumbled for the nearest chair, grabbing it with a shaking hand, collapsing into it as his knees gave out, his living room spinning sickeningly around him-

“Marcy!” he yelled, clinging to the broken floor even as shards stabbed his palms, clawing his way into his apartment with every ounce of desperation he had-

A sob threatened to choke him, tears welling up in his eyes, terror sinking its claws into his heart, just like it had on that night, just like it had on so many nights since, the loss stalking his dreams, always ready to push him off the edge, right back into that fire he had never truly escaped-

“Bobby!” he screamed, fighting the firefighters dragging him away, begging for their gear, for a chance to save his wife, his kids- “Brook!”

“Bobby?”

Athena’s voice, soft and concerned and with the slightest waver, pierced through it all, through the panic both old and new, her hand finding his and squeezing, grounding him, pulling him out of the past-

She was crying.

Everything slammed right back into focus at the sight of that tear, that single droplet rolling down her cheek, a shimmering track left in its wake. He lifted his hand instinctively to brush it away, to hide the evidence of her heart breaking, knowing how she hated seeming vulnerable, especially in times of crisis, especially when her children needed her.

Her children need her.

She smiled, a bittersweet thing shadowed by fear, fear that would likely vanish the moment she stopped kneeling before him. “Are you ok?” she murmured.

No.

He didn’t have to look at anything to feel the memories all around him. At the couch, where Harry and May had fallen asleep on him more than once during movie nights. At the kitchen, where they shared recipes and blended their family traditions and ended up in a few food fights that Athena promptly ordered them to clean up. At the dining room, where school projects were done and holidays prepared for, or at the backyard, where he played catch with Harry and talked with May beneath the stars. He treasured it all, every moment with those two precious kids who had welcomed him into their family, and if he wanted to keep it, if he wanted to protect whatever future they had after this…

They need their mother.

He left his hand cupping Athena’s cheek, leaning forward to kiss her, and if she noticed him pressing a little too hard, a little too long, she said nothing, her only response being to lean into it just as strongly. “Don’t worry about me,” he answered when they broke apart, foreheads resting together. “I’ll be fine.”

I have to be.

-----

Why am I here?

He stood back from the scene, jaw clenched shut, arms crossed tightly over his chest, and honestly, he wasn’t sure if he was just trying to channel his rage, or if he was trying to hold himself back. Both, probably. He had just- They could help that ki- that man. They could help him, but no one was letting them in, and he had just-

“Where are my kids?” he asked, the question carving a mark on his tongue at this point, he’d asked it so many times. “Where are my kids? I need to- I need to get- Where are my kids?”

He clenched his fists, staring ahead, staring at the scene that was crawling with people, yes, and the engine’s flashing lights were not helping, but no one was panicking, nothing was on fire, and his people were safe. Buck, Eddie, Hen, and Chimney kept shooting him concerned looks they thought he didn’t see, but they were safe, and May was at the call center surrounded by people who loved her, and Athena was-

You know Athena’s not at home.

And Michael had almost certainly gone with her – he hadn’t exactly been subtle, asking Bobby to take David home with him. Athena and Michael were out, alone, tracking down an escaped criminal, a dangerous one who wouldn’t hesitate to kidnap or kill or worse, trying to find the child all three of them had loved and raised, and here he was, at some random place miles away from them, just standing off to the side, overseeing the care of a stranger.

Buck stood up as the others finished getting him onto the stretcher. “So, that was awesome, Cap,” he broached, a little tentatively, clearly studying Bobby for any hint of a reaction. “You’re just not having it tonight, huh?”

Hen came with him, keeping a little more distance, and behind her, Eddie and Chimney started paying attention to this not-so-little conversation. “Is everything ok?” she asked.

And he remembered those faces. He remembered them from waking up in the hospital the day after the funeral, fresh off surviving an overdose, his mother clutching his hand with tears in her eyes, his father and brother hovering with concern, not a single one of them quite knowing how to act, what to say, what to do, and he had just pulled his hand free and looked away, not a single part of him wanting to deal with it.

He still didn’t want to deal with it.

Oh.

That’s why.

“Harry’s been kidnapped,” he forced himself to say. Forced himself to admit aloud.

Then he spun on his heel and marched back to his truck, wishing like hell he didn’t crave what he did.

-----

He retreated to the kitchen.

Cooking had saved his life, in a way, he supposed, back when he had never wanted to bond with this crew. He had needed to give them something, needed to extend some sort of offering worthy of the trust they had placed in him, and, well, he had kind of missed cooking, after not doing it for over three years. It should’ve been simple, a small, impersonal way of acting like he wanted to be there, but then Hen had started calling it family dinner, and they got to know each other over those meals, and he had found himself looking forward to the delight in their eyes when they smelled his latest offering, and over time, that cooking built the foundation of him finding a family and wanting to live again.

It was only natural that he turned to it now, when everything was trying to plunge him right back into the darkness he had tried so hard to leave behind, even if he was only making powdered eggs.

It was something to do, at least.

Hen approached him this time, alone. “Hey, Cap,” she greeted. “You want any help?”

“Not really,” he said, far more harshly than he should’ve. He stopped, taking a breath. “Sorry.”

She shook her head. “Don’t even think about it. You’ve got enough on your plate right now.”

He frowned down at the eggs. “Not really.”

That, at least, made her chuckle, which lightened his mood a tiny bit for a brief second. “You know, I kinda thought you would be out there looking. Which is not a judgment,” she added at his sideways look. “You just always struck me as the type of guy who would tear down the entire city for his kid.”

“Give me your gear!” he yelled. “I need to get back in there!”

But nobody here had ever seen that side of him. Not fully.

“I was,” he admitted quietly, a tremor running from his hand down through the spatula. “I ran right into that fire. The sirens woke me up, and… I didn’t think. I just needed to get them. I didn’t- I didn’t care what happened to me. Because…”

He trailed off, swallowing a sob.

“Because your whole world was in that fire,” Hen finished for him, just as quietly.

He nodded. “I had nothing else to lose. If I saved them, I saved them. And if I died trying… it wouldn’t have mattered.”

Hen hugged his arm, pressing her cheek into his shoulder, and even as he kept trying to cook around her, he clung to the contact, to the reassurance it offered.

“I can’t do that now,” he went on, his voice breaking no matter how hard he fought to keep it together. “If I go out there, I’m not gonna care about myself. But even if- even if Harry- if he-”

He clenched his eyes shut, but nothing would banish the images from his head, nothing would stop his mind from seeing Harry with Brook and Bobby, still and silent on the ground, their last moments full of terror he couldn’t stop.

“Whatever happens,” he finally managed to say, “I’ll still have May. I’ll still have-”

“Officer on open mic in distress. Needs assistance.”

Athena screaming, grunting, crying out, bodies slammed against metal, all while he sat helplessly in the engine, praying he wouldn’t be too late.

Bang.

I can’t do this again.

He dropped the spatula, dropped any last pretense of cooking, and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, sucking in one deep, shaking breath after another. “I have to hold on,” he mumbled. “I- I just have to hold on.”

He jerked away from Hen and all but fled to the lockers, grabbing his rosary and hunkering down to pray like he had never prayed before.

-----

He was stuck in the engine again.

This time, at least, he could see Athena. She wasn’t alone. And he was in the driver’s seat, hands on the steering wheel, ready to take off the second she needed him. Whether that was to go find Harry or to run Hudson over to protect his wife, he didn’t much care. The rage, he’d figured out, was much easier to deal with, because that, at least, left him wanting to punch people rather than down a bottle of vodka or pills.

Even if part of him did know that giving in to that rage, even against scum like Hudson, could very easily lead him right back to the vodka and pills anyway.

“Tell me where he is!” Athena demanded, gun trained on the man trying to destroy their family.

Hudson paid her no mind. “Is that him?” he asked, leering at the crew. “The firefighter husband?”

Athena stiffened, Hudson’s arm swung up, and only the rage kept Bobby from freezing, from panicking at the onslaught of a different trauma, at the phantom pain of a bullet tearing through his side, as Athena fired one, two, three, five times in rapid succession, taking him down long before he could take a shot.

No, he realized at the same exact moment Athena snapped, “Damn it!”

He leapt from the engine, running to Hudson, but it was hopeless. Blood stained his chest, spilling down his torso, his breathing labored and shallow, his eyes already distant and fading. He would die, and unless he suddenly grew a conscience with his last breaths, he would take all knowledge of Harry’s whereabouts with him.

Bobby wanted to scream. He wanted to get down on Hudson’s level and strike the fear of God into him, to grab his shoulders and shake him until he told him where his stepson was, to do whatever the hell it took to not lose a third child, to keep Athena from knowing that pain, to save Harry’s life.

“Keep him alive!” Athena ordered, rough voice bordering on a plea, gun shaking in her hands. “Keep him alive!”

He huddled against the support column, hand pressed to his bleeding wound, staring down the barrel of a gun whose owner was unintentionally throwing his past right back in his face. “We don’t choose who lives or dies,” he rasped as the building burned around him. “We save everyone we can.”

His own words came back to haunt him, pushing him aside, letting Hen and Chimney past him to try, try their best to save his life.

Rage won’t help Harry now.

And that’s not the job I’ve devoted my life to.

He went to his wife, to the person he could help, and held her as they watched their last lead die.

-----

He wanted to tear the whole damn house apart to find his stepson.

He wanted to yank the Halligan bar from Eddie’s hands and smash it into the wall himself. He wanted to throw himself in beside Michael and help tear it down with his bare hands. He wanted to dive into the hole and cut him free, he wanted to pull him out, he wanted to check for a pulse, he wanted to get him breathing again, he wanted, he wanted, he wanted to help.

He stepped back.

“Marcy’s alive, Bobby, you gotta focus on her.”

“No, no, Phil, my kids, they would’ve been with her, my k-”

He looked across the parking lot, looked at where the dead were being laid down, and his entire world shattered.

He stepped back, behind everyone else, letting them form a barrier between him and Harry, trying to see without looking, to listen without hearing, to hope without hoping. The beam of his flashlight cast shadows on the ground as he stopped breathing, waiting, waiting, waiting to know if this time he had been fast enough.

“He’s awake!”

He closed his eyes and let out a breath, the flashlight nearly slipping from his grasp. Thank you, God.

-----

Not in front of Athena.

Not in front of Michael.

Not in front of Harry.

He let them go without argument, only gesturing for Athena to go ahead when she asked if he was coming, and closed the ambulance doors behind them to watch it drive away, knowing his kid was safe, safe with two of his parents and the LAFD’s best paramedics, soon to be reunited with his sister, every single one of them safe, if not entirely sound.

They were all safe.

They’re safe.

And as soon as the ambulance disappeared, the tears started flowing.

His knees buckled, but Buck was right there to catch him, Eddie a heartbeat behind. He fell into their arms as sobs wracked his body, as he cried harder than he had in years, harder than he had since Hen and Buck found him passed out drunk in his empty apartment. He clung to someone’s arm, clutching fistfuls of their sleeve in his hands, burying his face in someone’s shoulder, and they held him, kneeling beside him, reassuring him, watching over him as everyone else dispersed, pulling quietly away, eventually leaving the three of them behind, with only the captain’s truck waiting to take them to the hospital.

To the hospital where, this time, he wouldn’t be alone.

But for now, for just a little while, he finally let go.

#911fic #bobby nash #bobby nash fanfic #911 #mine. #fic #text #bobby #ogfirefam #look you'll never convince me that bobby doing anything less #than tearing los angeles apart with his bare hands to find his child #will be in-character #but that isn't what we got #so i did my best to explain it

[arcturusreads]

Promises of Forever - Amelink

A 4.4k Amelink fic I wrote a while back...

After 45 minutes of trying to put Scout down for this nap, the one-year-old was finally fast asleep in his cot, unaware of the frustration that he had caused his mother. Amelia took a moment to look down at her son, he was yet to grow out of his cherub cheeks, and she had to resist the urge to squeeze them.

There would never be a time where Amelia would get over the miracle that was Scout Derek Shepard-Lincoln. After the turmoil she had got through with her first baby, Amelia hadn’t thought she would ever be able to give birth to a healthy baby. Yet here she was, the mother to a little boy who had just turned one a month ago, going through the rollercoaster called parenting with the man of her dreams. It all just seemed too good to be true, but she was over second-guessing the good things in her life. Ever since Scout had been born, she’d learnt to appreciate every good thing that came into her life, trying her best not to worry that it could all be taken from her.

Grabbing the baby monitor from the chest of drawers, Amelia left the door slightly ajar as she made her way downstairs. Heading into the living room of the three-bedroom new-build that she and Link had just bought, Amelia found her sisters lounging on the L-shape sofa, a glass of red wine in hand.

Amelia dropped herself in between the two of them, replacing the baby monitor in her hand for a glass of alcohol-free wine that Link always made sure was in the house for her.

“Come on then, why have you dragged me here on a Saturday afternoon?” Meredith teased.

It wasn’t very often they would come down to Amelia’s house. Even with everyone having moved out and Meredith only living at home with her kids now, it was still the meeting point for all of her friends and family. Old habits die hard.

“Well,” Amelia drew out, a large smile spreading across her face.

Maggie leaned in closer, eager to find out. Meredith on the other hand just raised a brow, waiting for her sister to just get on with telling them what was happening. Amelia reached into her jeans pocket and pulled out a princess cut diamond ring and slipped into onto her ring finger.

Letting out a screech that shouldn’t have been able to come from a human, Maggie threw her arms around Amelia. Thankfully, she had finished the wine in her glass. When Maggie finally let go, Meredith pulled Amelia into a hug of her own. “Congratulations! I’m so happy for you,” she whispered into Amelia’s ear.

Whilst Meredith was not one to hug her sisters, this occasion called for it. She knew the demons that Amelia had had to battle to get to where she was today. Losing her baby, a failed marriage, her struggle with addiction, losing her brother. For the things Mer hadn’t had a front seat for, Amelia had told her all about them in minute detail. Then she had found Link and Meredith had seen the change in Amelia, she no longer walked with the weight of the world on her shoulders.

There were still days that Meredith felt the tugs of jealousy when she saw Amelia with her family. It was an acute reminder of everything that she had lost. Everything that she was mean to have had with Derek but she had gotten better and dealing with that feeling, realising that Amelia deserved to have this happiness after the cards she had been dealt early on in life.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽.* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Link!” Cormac called out to the blonde-haired man, seeing him get out of his car and jogged over to him.

“Hayes,” both men clapped each other on the back.

“I hear congratulations are in order!”

A huge grin spread across Link’s face, “So, you heard?”

“Aye, Meredith told me about it last night. I’m chuffed for you both!” When Meredith had rung last night to tell him the news, he could hear the pure joy that was in her voice. That was one of the things that he loved about her, the way she always rooted for the people she cared about unapologetically, how she never let the losses she had faced darken her outlook on life.

“Thanks, man. Honestly, it just all feels like this huge dream, right now.” Link didn’t care how soft it might have made him seem, he had an intelligent, strong woman who just agreed to marry him and a healthy happy baby he got to go home to. There was nothing more that he could have asked for from life.

Walking into the hospital, both men began to talk about the upcoming wedding. Link and Cormac had begun to grow close to over the past year when Cormac had started dating Meredith. He’d found himself down her house more often and ended up getting to know Link a lot better. Link had already told Cormac about his plans to propose and made him promise not to tell Meredith which had been no easy feat. Meredith was able to get a brick wall to tell its secrets if she really wanted it to.

“Actually, I was hoping if you’d be one of my groomsmen.”

Cormac was slightly taken aback at the request. As close as he and Link had gotten, the last thing he expected was for Link to ask him to be part of the wedding. The best he thought was going to happen was that Meredith would bring him along as her plus-one.

“I’d be honoured mate.” Both men grinned at each other.

Cormac hadn’t really known what to expect when he moved to Seattle. He had definitely not been expecting to end up with a girlfriend and friends that he considered he had considered family, who were there for him and his boys. After Abigail had passed, he didn’t think anywhere would feel like home again, but Seattle had welcomed him and his boys with open arms and he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else now.

The two surgeons had headed up to the attendings' lounge and gotten changed out of their street clothes. Various doctors offered their congratulations to Link who gladly accepted them, unable to stop himself from smiling. Looking on, Cormac couldn’t help but give in to the infectious joy that Link was radiating. It made him think about his own future with Meredith.

He hadn’t wanted to fall in love again after what had happened. It was out of the question for him, he had just wanted to focus on his work and his boys. They were the only things that had mattered. The moment he had stepped foot into Grey-Sloan Memorial hospital though, that had completely changed. He’d become curious about who Meredith Grey really was and as he had gotten to know her, he found himself falling for her. And surprisingly for him, he could even see himself proposing to Meredith in the future.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽.* :☆ﾟ. ───

A month had passed since Link and Amelia had announced their engagement to the rest of the hospital staff and they couldn’t wait to tie the knot. Which was why they decided not to wait too long at all. Neither of them wanted a big wedding so there was no reason to wait over a year to walk down the aisle.

They were more than ready to get planning underway but knew that there were a couple of things that they needed to sort out first which was why Amelia found herself standing across a surgical table to one of her sister’s.

“Why exactly did you want to stand here and watch this surgery?”

“I realised you won your Catherine Fox award for this and I’ve never actually seen you carry out an abdominal wall transplant.”

Meredith looked up from surgery, sceptical eyes scanning Amelia’s face. “Mhm, sure. Suction.”

It took another fifteen minutes before Amelia managed to build up the courage to talk to Meredith again. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about the wedding…”

Meredith didn’t look up from the body cavity and she carried on working, waiting for Amelia to continue.

“I was hoping that you would be my maid of honour?”

That had made Meredith look up and stop what she was doing. “Uh, I’m sorry, what?”

“My maid of honour. Most brides usually have them. You know, organising my bachelorette party, coming to my dress fittings, telling me I look beautiful on my wedding day.”

Still in shock at the question, Meredith continued with her surgery.

“It was stupid, I shouldn’t have asked. You’re already busy with the kids and work…” Amelia began to babble

Meredith cut her off, “It’s not that. I mean, are you sure you don’t want Maggie to be your maid of honour? She has that whole peppy, happy thing going on that would probably work for weddings.”

Amelia shook her head, “I love Maggie and she’s still my sister, but I want you to be my maid of honour. Look, I know we haven’t always gotten on and we hated each other for a little but you’ve always been there when I’ve needed you. Always given me the truths that I haven’t wanted to hear. You cared about me Mere, even when you couldn’t stand me. So, there’s no one else that I would want to be my maid of honour.”

The corners of Mere’s eyes creased as she looked up at her sister, her smile hidden under the surgical face mask.

“Then I guess you got yourself a maid of honour then.”

“Oh, uh- I just wanted to ask one more thing!”

A little sceptical, Meredith looked back up quickly, “What?”

“I wanted to know if it was okay with you that I asked Bailey to walk me down the aisle.”

Slightly confused why Amelia needed to ask her about it, she just shrugged. “I mean Bailey’s her own woman; don’t really think you need my permission.” Meredith did think it was a little strange that she wanted Bailey to walk her down the aisle but each to their own.

“No!” Amelia laughed, “Not big Bailey. Little Bailey, as in my nephew.”

“Oh,” well that suddenly made a lot more sense.

“It’s just that I would have loved to have had Derek there to walk me down the aisle,” Amelia felt a lump in her throat. “And I love your kids. I wanted Zola and Ellis to be flower girls and I thought since Derek can’t be there, having his son walk me down the aisle… it would feel right…”

Meredith’s silence started to make Amelia feel nervous. She was worried that she’d made Mere feel uncomfortable or upset but when she finally looked at Meredith instead of her shoes, she saw tears in her eyes, the creases by her eyes from her smile had not disappeared.

“I think that would be perfect.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽.* :☆ﾟ. ───

The wedding had come around quicker than either the bride or groom had anticipated. They had to somehow squeeze in food tastings and suit fittings between a one-year-old who apparently hated sleeping at night and shifts that left them like passing ships in the night. But even amidst the chaos around them, Link and Amelia knew that there was nothing more that they wanted than to get through the rest of their messy lives as husband and wife.

The guests had begun to take their seats facing the open ocean. Link and Amelia had mainly invited their close friends from the hospital for the ceremony as well as Link’s parents. He’d asked Amelia multiple times if she was sure she didn’t want to have her own family there, but she had told him that Meredith and Maggie were all the family she needed as well as Link and Scout. The last thing she wanted was for the Shepard clan to touch down in Seattle and lecture her and probably Meredith as well. It wasn’t worth the hassle.

Link stood at the end of the aisle, making small talk to the guests that had already taken their seats. He was glad that a beach wedding had meant that he didn’t have to wear a full suit because he was sweating bullets from being so nervous. Instead, he wore pale blue trousers, with a matching waistcoat, white shirt and a floral, slim blue tie. Jo, Nico, Cormac and Jackson stood next to him in the same attire but had all forgone the tie.

“You’ll be alright, mate, just remember to breathe,” Cormac teased after seeing how nervously Link was wringing his hands.

Link let out a shaky laugh and Nico clapped a hand on his back. “Hey, it’ll be fine. I mean, you already have a kid together and if you got through your first year of being parents then this has to be in a walk in the park.”

Nico had a point. Their first year of parenting had been difficult as they tried to find their feet and navigate new waters. There has been arguments and nights on the sofa but neither of them would have wanted to have gone through that journey with anyone else. It had made them both understand each other on a deeper level and that had only helped in strengthening the relationship in the end.

He didn’t need to be nervous. Marrying Amelia was exactly what he wanted, there was no doubt in his mind that she was the only person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽.* :☆ﾟ. ───

Amelia had been bouncing off of the walls since five that morning and made sure that Meredith and Maggie were awake with her. There was no fear or apprehension in her eyes as the make-up artist and hairstylist arrived at Meredith’s house to get her ready. Meredith knew that unlike Amelia’s wedding with Owen, she didn’t need to give her a get-out clause. There was nowhere Amelia wanted to be more right now than at the end of the aisle with Link.

Slowly walking down, the stairs, Amelia caught the attention of everyone in the living room. Dressed in an A-line, ivory gown, Amelia looked every bit the beach bride with the chiffon dress covered with beading and embroidery on the top and over the straps which dropped into a V. The skirt of her dress was plain allowing the material to speak for itself, gently moving with each step that she took. She wore a set of diamond earrings that Derek had gotten her when she had graduated med school and a simple bracelet that he had gotten her for her 18th birthday. Her short hair was curled with a crystal and leaf halo entwined with her brown locks. In her hands, Amelia held a beautiful bouquet of lavender, Antigua spray roses, Romantic Antike, Rene Goscinny roses, which matched the colour of her bridesmaids’ dresses, as well as gorgeous green foliage. She was positively radiant.

Zola, Bailey and Ellis immediately ran up to their Auntie Amy but stopped short since Mer and Maggie had already told them that she was going to be wearing a very special dress and they needed to be careful around her. Amelia didn’t care though and crouched down with her arms outstretched.

“Come here, you three!”

Without hesitation, the kids ran into her arms and she gave them a tight hug.

“You look beautiful Auntie Amy!” Zola grinned at her aunt when she finally let go.

“Like a princess!” Ellis piped up.

“You’re super pretty today, Auntie Amy but you are every day!” The three women burst out into laughter. Bailey had somehow gotten Derek’s smooth-talking skills

“Thank you, guys, I love you three so much, you know that right?”

The kids all nodded eagerly, huge smiles on their faces. The whole meaning of marriage might not have completely resonated with them at their age, but they understand that this was an important day for both Amelia and Link, and it meant that they loved each other very much and were very happy together and for three kids, that’s all that mattered.

“We love you too!” the three of them said in sync.

Meredith and Maggie stoop up from the couch, their coral, asymmetric wrap dresses, cut into a V was made from the same chiffon material as Amelia wedding dress. Meredith gave Amelia a quick squeeze.

“Derek is so damn proud of you right now.”

The two sisters looked at each other, tears threatening to fall from both of their eyes.

“Don’t you dare!” Meredith threatened her, “The make-up artist spent way too long for you to go and ruin it now and I’m not having you blaming me for crappy wedding photos.”

It was enough to make Amelia laugh. Losing Derek had hit her hard, worse than when she had lost her dad. She’d been too young then and Derek had ended up being that father figure for her. Nothing dulled the ache she felt when she thought about her brother but the relationship that she had forged with Meredith in the years following his death had been the only light that had come from it all.

“Mama!” Scout happily babbled, wriggling around in Maggie’s arm.

Meredith took Amelia’s bouquet of her as she reached for her son. “Hey, their baby boy. Don’t you look handsome today?”

Scout just clapped his hands together, his eyes roaming over Amelia’s face, a look of pure bliss over his own.

Maggie had pulled out some tissues from her clutch bag and began to wipe away her tears. Watching her in her peripheral vision, Meredith couldn’t help but roll her eyes and laugh.

“What? It’s just a really beautiful day,” Maggie sniffed. “And Amelia, you look like an absolute goddess. Link is incredibly lucky to have you as his wife.”

Amelia beamed, “I’m pretty sure I’m the lucky one here.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽.* :☆ﾟ. ───

It had been a task to get four kids into the wedding cars and make sure that they hadn’t forgotten anything in the house but miraculously, the bridal party weren’t late for the wedding. They were tucked away from the sight of the guests and Link but were able to see everyone from over the railing.

Bailey had a firm grasp on Amelia's hand and looked up at her with a toothy grin. “I’ve got you, Auntie Amy!”

At that moment, seeing the way he smiled and the glint in his eyes, Bailey reminded her exactly of her brother. He even knew the exact right thing to say to her.

“You ready for this?” Maggie asked, holding Scout who was acting as ring bearer for the ceremony.

“Yes, most definitely. Come on, let’s go!”

Maggie laughed at her sister’s eagerness and Scout joined it, his peals of laughter making Amelia’s heart fit to burst. She was once again reminded of how perfect her life and turned out.

Meredith and Maggie ushered the kids into order, giving them quick reminders of what they were meant to do and where they were meant to sit after walking down the aisle. The first few bars of VSQ’s A Sky Full of Stars began to play, Maggie quickly turned around from the front of the line with tears in her eyes and mouthed a good luck to Amelia before giving Scout a quick kiss on the top of his head and began to make her way down the aisle. A huge grin was on her face as she looked around the guests and caught Winston’s eye.

As she got to the end of the aisle, Nico grinned at the little boy and took the rings from the pillow that he was holding.

“Thanks, little man!” He cooed.

Link took his son from Maggie’s arms and gave him a quick cuddle before giving him back to Maggie. Before taking her spot to the left of the aisle Maggie gave Scout to Link’s mum who could not have looked any prouder at that moment.

Seeing that Maggie had gone into place, Meredith turned around and grinned at Amelia. “Hey, I know I don’t say it much, but I love you.”

Before she could turn back around Amelia gave her a grin that matched her own. “Love you too, sis.”

“Let’s get you married then,” Meredith turned around, the coral fabric ripped around her legs and began to walk down the aisle.

She could sense the amount of joy that was radiating around her. Looking straight ahead she grinned at Link who looked just as eager as Amelia had. She could not wait to see his face when Amelia walked down the aisle. The guy was practically bouncing on his feet in anticipation and Mere had to stifle a laugh.

Scanning over the rest of the groom’s party she saw Cormac staring at her intensely, his gaze never once leaving her. Meredith winked at him with a smirk on her face and he couldn’t help but burst out laughing. The guests all turned to look at the source of laughter, wondering what the hell was going on. Mer could see Hayes starting to go red and shot her a scowl.

“Hate you,” he mouthed, and Meredith just rolled her eyes in return as he shook his head.

She gave Link a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek before she stood next to Maggie. Watching her little girls walk down had made Meredith hold her breath. She’d been worried about something going wrong, especially since Ellis now seemed to be in a phase where she just about bumped and tripped over anything, including thin air, but the two girls had managed to play their parts perfectly and took their seats next to Bailey and Richard on the bride’s side of the aisle.

“Could everyone please stand for the bride.”

The words were enough to open a cage of butterflies in Link’s stomach. Why did this have to take so long? He would have happily run down the aisle and carry Amelia back to the alter to hurry this up so they could just get married already. He was seriously considering this thought when he saw a flash of white up ahead.

His bride had arrived.

It was almost as if Amelia was gliding down the aisle. She was radiating so much joy and happiness, not a single hesitation in her step. The pair couldn’t tear their eyes away from each other and Link wasn’t even ashamed of the streams of tears that fell down his face.

After what felt like an age, she was finally stood in front of him. Link went to take her hand when Bailey stopped him. He looked down at the little boy who had a very serious look on his face and gestured for him to crouch down which Link did with no question.

“You better not hurt my Auntie Amy because mommy just let me start karate lessons!”

Link bit back a smile and solemnly nodded at him. “I promise, I’m going to love your Aunt Amy forever.”

Bailey thought for a moment before nodding and fist-bumping his Uncle Link. At last, he had Amelia in his arm’s… or at least had her hand in his. The ceremony went by in a blur. An ocean’s worth of tears was shed from everyone that was there as Link and Amelia devoted themselves to each other for the rest of their lives.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽.* :☆ﾟ. ───

Their afternoon ceremony soon turned into an evening reception on the beach. Drinks flowed freely and Amelia had spent the entire reception in Link’s arms. Richard and Catherine had eventually taken the kids back to their home as it had gotten later, telling the adults to enjoy the rest of the night.

“You ready to get out of here, Dr Shepard-Lincoln?” Link whispered in Amelia’s ear.

She planted a quick kiss on his lips before turning back to their wedding party. “I definitely am but there’s just one last thing!” She wriggled out of Link’s hold, her new husband giving her a curious look as she walked over to the DJ who nodded at her.

“Alright, everyone!” The DJ called down the microphone, turning the music down. “Our bride and groom are going to be leaving but before they leave there’s just one thing left to do. Time for the bouquet throw.”

A gaggle of men and women alike began to make their way to the front of the stage where Amelia stood with her back to them ready to throw her bouquet into the crowd. Meredith watched from an empty table as Maggie rushed over, laughing as her tipsy sister tripped over a chair leg.

The bouquet was finally thrown into the air and the crowd lurched forward. Cormac was still looking down at his phone as he re-joined the reception after just getting off a call with his boys. They’d headed back home, and he had wanted to make sure that they’d gotten there safe. Cormac hadn’t even realised what was going on until something came hurtling towards his face. Out of instinct Hayes went to catch his mysterious object and looked confused when he saw a bunch of flowers in his hands.

“Looks like you and Mer are next, Hayes!” Amelia teased down the microphone so everyone could hear.

Cormac could help but turn bright red before quickly shuffling out of the crown and towards his girlfriend whom he knew was going to tease him endlessly about this.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽.* :☆ﾟ. ───

Eventually, after what felt like endless goodbyes, Link and Amelia manage to get away from their wedding reception and into the car. Their hand entwined on the console and Amelia could help but stare at her husband’s profile.

“You good there?” Link asked, quickly glancing at her. A look of pure adoration over his face.

“Mhm,” she murmured. “I’m just extremely happy and I don’t want this to end.

“Hey, you don’t need to worry about that. We’ve got forever.”

#amelink #amelia shepard #atticus lincoln #grey's anatomy #amelia x link #link x amelia #grey's anatomy fanfic #excuse me whilst i rearrange the alphabet

[winchester-books]

Spiraling

Based On: Outer Banks

Characters: JJ x Reader

Warnings: Drug Use, Alcoholism, Langauge, Terrible Coping Mechansims, Death, Angst

Word Count: 500

Summary: Everyone copes in different ways, some are healthier than others. Unfortunately, JJ isn’t the best with dealing with the loss of a best friend.

A/N: not sure if im ready to start writing as much as i used to yet, but i was inspired and wrote this tonight, so enjoy.

i didnt proofread (sorry) so all mistakes are mine

You took a shaky breath, standing in front of the chateau. You’d been there hundreds of times, shared so many memories with your best friends, and come to love the house and the people inside as your own, but things were different now.

You shook your head at yourself, deciding it was better not to think about it and let yourself inside.

“JJ,” your voice called as you peered around the front room. You sighed, your mind trailing off to the many laughs you and your friends had experience under this roof, “J?” You repeated, stopping in front of the guest room JJ usually stayed in.

You softly tapped on the door, but received no reply. “JJ?” You let yoursef in to see the mess that JJ was living in.

Discarded beer bottles littered the room and the strong smell of weed seemed to be seeping from the walls. Blankets and dirty clothes were strewn across the room, and some of the pictures that had previously lined the walls had been ripped down by an angry force. But what really caught your eye were the small orange bottles lined up on the nightstand.

“Y/N?” JJ muttered, clearly out of it as he lifted his head up so he could get a better look at your figure in the doorway.

“The hell is that?” You snapped, startling him at your change of attitude as you walked over and snatched on of the bottles from the table, only to discover it was empty.

“God- Y/N, screw off!” JJ groaned, rolling his eyes as he rolled over so his back was facing you.

“You’re joking right JJ?” You glared daggers into his back as you spoke, “After everything, you do this?” You shook your head, eyes filling with tears, “JJ, you know what this shit can do! You’ve seen how it hurts people! How... how could you?” You seethed at the boy who was now sitting up slightly and looking at you with an emotionless expression. Tears rolled down your cheeks as you thought of what your dad had put you through with his addiction. JJ had seen firsthand how it broke you, and he had been there to pick up the pieces and put you back together. How could he do this knowing how much hurt it had caused you?

You gathered the rest of the bottles in your hands and stormed out of the room toward the bathroom.

“Y/N! Hey! Stop- What are you doing?”

You ignored JJ’s yells as you slammed all the bottles except one onto the sink. You held the one in your hand with and iron grip, anger and hurt coursing through your veins and you untwisted the cap and dumped the contents into the toilet.

“HEY!” JJ snapped from the bathroom’s doorway, “What the hell, Y/N?”

You grabbed another bottle, but this time JJ grabbed hold on your wrist, forcing you to face him, “Cut it out,” his voice was low and his eyes were wild as he eyed the pills in your hand.

“JJ, I can’t let you do this to yourself... JJ, you know what happened to my dad, I can’t let-”

“It’s not your job to take care of me, I can do that myself,” JJ spat, “And anyways, I’m fine-”

“You’re fine?” You mocked, “You’re popping pills and drinking instead of actually coping! Kie and I haven’t seen or heard from you in weeks-”

“Don’t come in here and act like you’ve got you’re shit together!” JJ cut you off, “You’re really gonna lecture me after you just dropped off the face of the Earth the second we heard about John B- did you ever think about us... about me? How maybe I needed you-”

“Oh,” you scoffed, “So you’re saying this is my fault? I needed a break and you fell apart because I wasn’t here to hold you together?” You laughed dryly, “We were all falling apart JJ- not just you. And last time I checked, none of us decided to give up and become alcoholics or drug addicts-”

“Screw you Y/N!” JJ screamed, your words clearly leaving a mark.

You wiped your tears and took a breath, “I love you JJ, I really do, and I want to help you, but this...” You shook your head, defeated, “I can’t help you when you refuse to help yourself,”

JJ opened his mouth to say something, but you didn’t give him the chance to speak.

You threw the orange bottle at his chest, “Keep you’re stupid pills. But when things get bad- and trust me, they will get bad, I can’t promise I’ll be here for you,” you turned back on him and left before more tears began to fall, feeling like you were about to loose another best friend.

#jj x reader #jj maybank fluff #jj obx imagine #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank #jj maybank angst #obx #rudy pankow x reader #rudy pankow imagine #rudy pankow #jj outer banks #john b outer banks #outer banks x reader #outer banks #onx imagine #angst #obx angst #outer banks angst #jj angst

[dechart]

siren!jaskier after the mountain..?🥺

he never thought it would end like this.

he knew the odds weren't in his favour. he knew that luck wasn't working for him, and that destiny wasn't on his side.

but he never expected it to end so suddenly, so coldly.

jaskier have been travelling for years already, a nomad with no home nor a place to call his own. but sometimes home isn't a place, it's a person, and ever since jaskier had started travelling with one geralt of rivia, he felt like he truly had found his home.

"what a joke," the townsfolk would say. "a monster traveling with a monster hunter. this is what tales are made of." but the people never really spoke, not so much as they did so in his own mind. no one knew his secret, and he intended to keep things that way. that way he was safe, and more important than that, the people were safe.

from him.

travelling down the mountain, guided by moonlight alone, he let his tears run down his cheeks and his thoughts run wild. he wondered where, exactly, he went wrong. everything was going according to plan. or at least i thought so. geralt let him believe that...

geralt.

jaskier thinks that if he hears that cursed name again, he wouldn't be able to pick himself up; and that was ridiculous! he was jaskier the bard, famous across the Continent. he can't let one person bring him down.

but it's too late for me, he thinks. he already did.

dwelling on his past never did him good; for regular people, alcohol made them behave the same way his memories made him behave.

he left university in utter humiliation, after everyone learned what he was. it was a total accident as well. he wasn't supposed to jump in the water, and there wasn't supposed to be a ship looming across the horizon. his instincts overtook him, and 12 sailors gave in to the ocean before jaskier was retained and "arrested" - thrown into the ocean, given the same fate as the sailors he drowned. but throwing a siren into the ocean is as stupid a plan as throwing a match into fire. he swam away, as fast as he could, until he reached a different shore. he then swore to never use his birth name again.

jaskier always loved music. in fact, he thought his siren heritage was involved in that, but he didn't mind - his singing, as deadly as it was for humans to hear, relaxed him like nothing ever did. and so he downed a potion that a violet-eyed sorceress gave him once, just so he could sing without killing anyone. and at first it did work, and he earned the incredible honour of performing at dubious taverns, but he discovered soon enough that the potion created new problems: people were becoming addicted to his voice - and his insatiable need for deadly singing has greatly increased. he was at a loss, because there were only so many humans you could kill before someone noticed; and then someone actually did.

one geralt of rivia had been travelling in the coastal town jaskier was currently lurking in. he apparently heard rumours of a "mysterious force making people throw themselves into the sea". but geralt knew that behind forces there are beings, and hunting these beings was his profession. jaskier was good at hiding, but against an experienced witcher he stood no chance. but, to his surprise, the witcher did not kill him. "you come with me," he said. "i'll find something for you to feed on."

jaskier thought that if this geralt let him feast on innocents, then the atrocious reputation of witchers really was true; but geralt surprised him yet again when he said, "you don't have to eat only humans, you know. you can eat other living things." he raised an eyebrow. "the monsters i hunt." it was a question, a suggestion and a statement, which jaskier chose to accept.

and so, travelling on endlessly with this geralt of rivia, jaskier fell into some sort of a routine and his life finally fell into place. but these weren't the only things that fell. his heart fell too.

and so when geralt shouted at him, banished him from his life forever, his head pounded and his blood rushed. not of excitement - hell no - nor of anger. but of being lost. jaskier the lonely siren, who wasn't as lonely anymore for such a long time, was lonely once again.

lonelier than he's ever been.

so many questions, what-ifs, went through his mind. he wanted to turn back so many times, to ask for forgiveness, to beg for it if need be.

but it wouldn't do. for geralt of rivia, it wouldn't do. and that is something jaskier knew far too well.

as he reaches the coast and looks across the sea, he starts singing. clearly, loudly. as he does so, a potion bottle slips down from between his shaking fingertips into the icy ocean below. his tears stream down as well, as if wanting to join the saltwater. jaskier feels himself becoming lighter as his face hits the water.

it all turns to blue.

#the witcher #jaskier #geraskier #geralt of rivia #siren jaskier #siren!jaskier #au #alternate universe #siren jaskier au #witcher #fanfic #fanfiction #witcher fanfiction

[gameofdrarry]

Wizards Hearts Recs: Angst

Wizards Hearts was a four-month-long Drarry reading fest. Players were given a playing deck of 52 tropes, and were asked to find 52 different fics to read and comment on to fill their decks. To prevent the same few fics from being read, fics were restricted to only being used for the game three times before being considered ineligible for further points. The tropes and submissions list can be found here.

Check out the masterlist of fics for this trope below the cut!

📜 remember me by hupsoonheng Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  31082 Tags: Amnesia, Temporary Amnesia, Obliviation, Established Relationship, Established Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Legilimency, Age Regression/De-Aging, Angst, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Reformed Draco Malfoy, POV Draco Malfoy, Good Draco Malfoy, Gardens & Gardening, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, POV Harry Potter Summary:  On a chilly day in October, Draco kisses Harry goodbye before he goes on yet another dangerous, undercover mission with the Aurors. And then Harry doesn't come back. Only Draco believes that Harry isn't dead, and pours himself into finding his husband despite his friends' pleas to move on and grieve properly. What he finds at the end of that work, though, is not at all what he wanted. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 you've got the antidote for me by Kandakicksass Rated:  Mature Words:  20730 Tags: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Soul Bond, Red String of Fate, Heavy Angst, Terminal Illnesses, Major Illness, Angst with a Happy Ending Summary:  When Harry Potter unintentionally severs their soulbond before it can fully form, Draco Malfoy resigns himself to a slow death and decides not to burden Harry with a soulmate he's made it very clear he doesn't want. He's never been selfless before, but for Harry, he can try. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Every Breath You Take by hephaestiions Rated:  Mature Words:  19252 Tags: Major Character Death, Death (Harry Potter), Suicide, Child Death, Miscommunication, Angst, Angst and Tragedy Summary:  It starts and ends with Death. Scorpius was just caught in between. Like always. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Between Myth and Man by slytherco Rated:  Explicit Words:  16242 Tags: Veritaserum, Truth Serum, Mundane, London, Falling In Love, Lies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, This whole story is just Draco angsting really, Sexual Content, keeping secrets, Smoking, Bad Weather, References to Drugs, Making Out, One (1) Scared Little Sparrow, And also lots of texting Summary:  Draco, lost and a little broken, navigates post-war reality convinced that people like him should not be allowed to make their own choices. To solve the problem of his self-sabotaging tendencies, he starts taking a few drops of Veritaserum every morning. A story about the complexity of choices, repressed desires that come to the surface when we least expect them, and the utter hopelessness of truths built on a foundation of lies. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Three Boxes and a Scrapbook by dracogotgame Rated:  Mature Words:  30493 Tags: mention of divorce, flangst, Bill is a bro Summary:  One year after being accidentally bonded to each other, Harry and Draco are free to move on with their lives. But perhaps, what they needed was here all along. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Intertwined by bluefay Rated:  Explicit Words:  25086 Tags: Memory Loss, Memory Alteration, Accidental Bonding, Magic Gone Wrong, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Malfoy Manor, Self-Harm, Dark Mark (Harry Potter), Serious Injuries, But they're not very graphic so don't fret!, Self-Hatred, Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Established Relationship, Sort Of, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Hate Sex, Childhood Trauma ,Flashbacks, St Mungo's Hospital, Sharing a Bed, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Time, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020 Summary:  On May 3rd, 1998, Draco Malfoy wakes up with no memory of Voldemort, the war, or Harry Potter, his supposed boyfriend. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 I Am Not Who I Became by mab_di Rated:  Explicit Words:  93189 Tags: H/D Fan Fair 2019, Secondary Theme: Travel Fair, Secondary Theme: Book Fair, Commercial Fisherman Draco Malfoy, Failed Writer Harry Potter, Depressed Harry Potter, Magically Powerful Harry Potter, Muscular Draco Malfoy, Recluse Harry Potter, Angst, Smut, Drama & Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Post-Second War with Voldemort, Wandless Magic, Boats and Ships, Finland (Country), Fishing, Redemption, School Reunion, Minor Draco Malfoy/Original Male Character(s), Anal Sex, Rough Sex, Sex Magic, Suicidal Thoughts, Near Death Experiences, Magical Theory, POV Alternating Summary:  Draco left England after the trials and has travelled the world meeting wizards and Muggles from different cultures and with vastly different relationships to magic, each other, and the natural world. Now he's a fisherman in Finland on commercial vessels. Harry has been struggling since the war and has become a recluse while trying to write his autobiography. An invitation to the Hogwarts class of 1998's 15th reunion isn't welcomed by either of them, but neither could predict how the night, and their reunion, will upend their lives. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 When I Put My Eyes On You by Zzzara Rated:  Explicit Words:  31160 Tags: Blindness, Blind Character, Blind Harry Potter, Disability, Physical Disability, Disabled Character, Slow Burn, Falling In Love, Love, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, Dorks in Love, Friendship/Love, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Requited Unrequited Love, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Amortentia, Potions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt, Emotions, Emotional, Emotional Roller Coaster, Pining, Pining Harry Potter, Friendship, Friends to Lovers, Developing Friendships, Romantic Friendship, Best Friends, Draco Malfoy & Harry Potter Friendship, POV Harry Potter, Patronus, Spells & Enchantments, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Jealousy, Jealous Harry Potter, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Spin the Bottle, Halloween, Party, Party Games, Mistletoe, Kissing, Surprise Kissing, Boys Kissing, Rough Kissing, Drunken Kissing, Gentle Kissing, Boys In Love, Drinking, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, First Time, Explicit Sexual Content, Sex, Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, Emotional Sex, Awkward First Times, Sleeping Together, Literal Sleeping Together, Dancing, Showers, Masturbation in Shower, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Resolved Sexual Tension, Dreams, Fantasizing, Desire, Self-Esteem Issues, Substance Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Lights Camera Drarry 2020, Lights Camera Drarry, LCDrarry, LCD - Freeform, The Way he looks, film inspired, Self-Prompt, Healing Summary:  When a hero defeats a villain, there's supposed to be a happily-ever-after... but when did anything ever happen to Harry Potter the way it was supposed to? Having sacrificed himself to the greater good, Harry is left alone in the darkness, blindly groping for the shreds of the life he knew. When the enemies meet, how is the story supposed to go, once they learn there's more to it than the eye can see? A story of pain, hope and things we discover, once we stop looking for them with our eyes. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 You open always (petal by petal) by birdsofshore Rated:  Explicit Words:  65214 Tags: Post War, Rent Boy!Draco, Down-And-Out!Draco, Grimmauld Place, House magic, Portraits, First Times, Antagonism, Hurt/Comfort, Coming Out, Pining, Angst, UST, Kissing, Frotting, Blow Jobs, Rimming, Intergluteal Sex, Anal Sex, Homophobic Slurs And Attitudes, Internalised Homophobia, Derogatory Attitudes To Sex Workers, Some Mentions Of Sadistic Violence, Brief Thoughts Of Sexual Activity With A Sleeping Partner, Rough Sex, Brief Mention Of Harry With A Woman (Past Relationship), Mentions Of Dubious Consent In Connection With Sex Work, Community: hd_erised, Inexperienced Harry, Top Harry Potter, House Elves, Masturbation Summary:  Harry’s not the kind of person who pays for sex. He really isn’t. Until he is. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Solder by Oakstone730 Rated:  Explicit Words:  34547 Tags: potion/alcohol addiction, Recovery, Nipple Play, Rimming, Dirty Talk, Angst, PiningUST, Reconciliation, LoveForgiveness, Cursebreaker!Draco, Artist!Harry Summary:  Seven years ago, Harry disappeared out of Draco and Scorpius's life without a trace after Harry's addictions destroyed his and Draco's marriage. Now, Harry’s back, and Draco wants to believe he’s changed. But Harry isn’t the only one haunted by the past. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Three Months, Eleven Days and Nine Hours by sassy_cissa Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  sassy_cissa Tags: H/D Food Fair 2018, Angst, Romance, Paroled Draco Malfoy, Rebuilding Hogwarts, Draco Malfoy/, Harry Potter Friendship, Down and Out Draco Malfoy, Food Forager Draco Malfoy, Soup Kitchens, Happy Ending, Post-Hogwarts, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Hungry Draco Malfoy Summary:  Broke and living in a one room hovel in Knockturn Alley, Draco hunts in rubbish bins for food. Nothing could be more humiliating, right? Unless you're Draco Malfoy... ❤️ Read on AO3

Texting You by ununquadius Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  6005 Tags: Major Character Death, text fic, draco is dead, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, or maybe hurt/no comfort, Everyday Life, Pets, Asexual Harry Potter, Indian Harry Potter, one penis drawing, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Loneliness, Drinking, Terminal Illnesses, blink and you missed them suicidal thoughts Summary:  After Draco's death, Harry can't let go so he keeps texting their private chat, updating him on his life and rambling about everything and anything until it almost feels like there's a possibility that, one day, a reply will come. Read on AO3

📜 Wake Up In The Night by p1013 Rated:  Explicit Words:  10483 Tags: Angst with a Happy Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Explicit Sexual Content, Face-Fucking, Public Sex, Blow Jobs, Versatile Draco Malfoy, Versatile Harry Potter, Anal Sex, Rimming, Anal Fingering, Dirty Talk, Facials, 69 (Sex Position), Coming Untouched, Love Confessions, Curses, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Drinking, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, POV Draco Malfoy, Voyeurism, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020, Emotional Manipulation Summary:  In the days after the War ended, there were a great many things that were changed or changing, a great many things that somehow slipped beneath the notice of Ministry officials and healers from St. Mungo's and Aurors that were tasked with capturing fleeing Death Eaters. It was, after all, the end of the War, and much like war itself, the clean up was heartbreaking. Lives had been lost. The world as they knew it had been changed irrevocably. In the grand scheme of things, there were more important things to worry about than Draco Malfoy's sudden, inexplicable inability to feel love. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Coated in Rust and Blood by crazyparakiss Rated:  Mature Words:  2429 Tags: Mpreg, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, Break Up, Post-Break Up, Angst, Violent Sex, Self-Hatred, Grief/Mourning, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020 Summary:  No one escapes the nightmares. That’s what his headshrinker tells Harry every time he tries to unpack the baggage he was handed from infancy. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Here Without You by  gracerene Rated:  Explicit Words:  26869 Tags: Post-Hogwarts, War, Canon-Typical Violence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Character Death, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Background Het, Non-Linear Narrative, Flashbacks, Epistolary, Love Letters, Dirty Letters, An Ode to Draco's Bum, Bottom Draco Malfoy, Top Harry Potter, Implied Switching, Auror Harry Potter, Healer Draco Malfoy, Explosions, Harry Potter & Parvati Patil Friendship, Loneliness, Denial, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020 Summary:  It's been seven years since the end of the Second Wizarding War with Voldemort, and a new Dark Lady has taken over in nearby Ireland. Harry feels compelled to volunteer to fight on the front lines, but war is never safe, and Harry has a lot—including his blissfully happy relationship with Draco—to lose. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Orion in the Sky by space_wingding Rated:  Explicit Words:  30709 Tags: Bookshop Owner Draco Malfoy, Coffee, Village life, Slow Burn, Pining, Denial, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Jigsaw Puzzles, Falling In Love, Getting Together, Post-Hogwarts, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, POV Draco Malfoy, POV Harry Potter, Fatal Curse, Serious Injuries, Suicidal Thoughts, Hospitalization, Death, Character Death, Unhappy Ending, St Mungo's Hospital, Grief, mentions of anal sex, Chronic or Terminal Illness, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020 Summary:  Draco Malfoy owns a bookshop in the Lake District. He’s also cursed. Enter: Harry Potter. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Forgot to remember you by Andithiel Rated:  Mature Words:  1753 Tags: Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Auror Partners, Magical Accidents, Memory Loss, Partial Memory Loss, Getting Together, DreamsPining, Light Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drarropoly 2.0 - A Drarry Game/Fest, Rated M for language, There's not any real stuff going on Summary:  Harry was hit with a spell that made him forget the week before he was hurt. Most of his memories have come back, but he has a niggling suspicion that he did something wrong. Why else would his Auror partner (and the object of his desires) go from friendly to hostile? ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 On the Last Day by trishjames Rated:  Explicit Words:  53481 Tags: Mystery, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Unreliable Narrator, Drama, Dramatic Irony, Flashbacks, Non-Linear Flashbacks, Memory Loss, Horror Elements, Suicidal Ideation, Depression, Occlumency (Harry Potter), Occlumency as a Coping Mechanism, Panic Attacks, Discussion and Depiction of Mini Seizures, mention of overdoses, Revenge, Repression, Science, Neurology & Neuroscience, Neurological damage, Medicine, Potions, Original Characters - Freeform, Slow Burn, Enemies to Lovers, Somewhat Bond!Fic, Strong Friendships, Strong Women, Maternal love, Department of Mysteries, Unspeakables (Harry Potter), The Love Chamber, The Death Chamber, Death Potion, Amortentia, The Veil, Near Death Experiences, Souls, Major character death - Freeform, Death, forced drugging, Mind Control (Imperio), Murder, Vomit, Medical Procedures, Consent, Amoral Behaviour, Unethical Behaviour, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Possession, Ghost Sex, True Love Conquers All, ghost!harry, Magically Powerful Harry Potter, Auror Harry Potter, Unspeakable/Scientist Hermione Granger, Unspeakable/Scientist Draco Malfoy, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020, Psst...angst with a happy ending.. Summary:  Draco is still mourning the recent loss of his mother when the Wizarding World is struck with the tragic news of Harry Potter’s untimely death. It’s just his luck that Potter not only comes back as a ghost, but seems intent on haunting Draco as he’s the only one that can see him. It’s a race against time to retrace the last few days of Potter’s life in order to find his body before he’s lost to the living or spiritual realm forever. On their journey, they’ll uncover secrets, betrayals, and a horrific truth that will disrupt both the living and the dead. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Poland | A Faint Glow of Hope by EvAEleanor Rated:  Mature Words:  6123 Tags: Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Summer Solstice, Solstice, Curses, Unspeakable Draco Malfoy, Auror Harry Potter, Auror Ron Weasley, Healer Hermione Granger, Herbology Professor Neville Longbottom, Angst, Flowers, Slavic mythology, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Mentions of Myth & Folklore, Mythology References. Folklore, poland - Freeform, POV Draco Malfoy, Headmistress Minerva McGonagall, Community: Seven Shades of Drarry Summary:  On Draco’s 25th birthday, somebody attempts to curse him, but Harry Potter jumps between them and is hit instead, with unexpected consequences. Potter is running out of time, and they both embark on a race against time to find the only cure that could save Harry. Little do they know they will need to face a myriad of magical creatures and their own feelings on the way. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Grounds for Divorce by Tepre Rated:  Explicit Words:  122217 Tags: Slow Burn, Pining, UST, Anal Sex, brief but all the same enthusiastic rimming, One (1) lemon tree, Accidental Bonding, And I mean like U! S! T!, Jealousy, Deals with Trauma, They both top at some point, ron is a good friend, Draco is a Good Cook, Dubious Consent due to the Accidental Bonding, The actual SLOWEST burn, Hurt/Comfort, Have I mentioned UST? Cannot overstate this it's like A LOT, First there's frottage, And then there's more sex, Anal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, and just a lot of sex, sex on a bed, sex in the shower, sex on the floor, Sex on a settee, In other news they go to Egypt, Teddy is a Small Bean, There is one (1) cat, and one (1) happy ending Summary:  Malfoy finds a coin. Harry finds a letter. A story about histories, a story about families. A story about a lemon tree somewhere in Upper Egypt. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 At Evening's End by manixzen Rated:  Explicit Words:  31055 Tags: Pre-Relationship, Angst, Azkaban, Hurt/Comfort, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Slow Burn, Post-Hogwarts, Friendship, Past Child Abuse, Enemies to Friends, Auror Harry Potter, Inmate Draco Malfoy, Prison, Auror Ron Weasley Summary:  When the dementors are removed from Azkaban, a compromise has to be made for the prison to remain secure and wizard-kind to feel safe. Harry and Ron find themselves assigned to a rotation as guards during their first year as Junior Aurors as a part of the new system. Harry finds his values challenged in the harsh environment, but an unexpected friendship may carry him through this difficult year. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 all you ever did was wreck me by SailorChibi Rated:  Mature Words:  10807 Tags: Post-Hogwarts, Not Epilogue Compliant, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, draco has PTSD, Harry has PTSDN, ightmares, Animagus, Harry is an animagus, prison break - Freeform, Touch-Starved, affection starved, Fear of Death, fear of touch, touch repulsed, Trauma, Aftermath of Torture, harry doesn't want anyone else to die, harry is very angry at the world, Protective Harry, harry had to grow up too soon, Possessive Harry, harry wants to protect draco, house arrest, Ministry of Magic, ministry of magic has gone power hungry, Fear of Magic, draco is scared of magic, it's been used for too much evil, Draco Malfoy Feels, Sad Draco Malfoy, Protective Draco Malfoy, Sharing a Bed, platonically sharing a bed, First Kiss, Hugging, Cuddling, Platonic Cuddling, Harry Potter is a Good Friend, death is scary, Happy Ending, Angst with a Happy Endingh, appyish ending, might be a little bittersweet, but it will be ok I swear Summary:  After the war, the Ministry decides to make a clean go of it and sentences all Death Eaters to death. After a year spent imprisoned beneath the Ministry, with his mother safely in France, his father dead and only the Aurors who hate him for "company", Draco is waiting for his time to die. Harry gets to him first. ❤️ Read on AO3

#angst #drarry #drarry recs #game of drarry #wizards hearts #wh masterlist