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captainwans · 2 days

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ONLY ONES WHO KNOWS.

— ALEX TURNER

pairing: alex turner x fem! reader

summary: she faces the emotional turmoil of loving someone she can’t have. alex brings her home one night, putting their entire relationship in jeopardy.

warning: vulgar language, unrequited love, sickeningly—gut wrenching angst because i love to torture myself, some descriptions of sa (briefly), mentions of drug and alcohol abuse and slight violence, traumatized alex and reader. don’t read if it makes you uncomfortable!

word count: 4,5k | ( picture not mine! )

masterlist!

…. ALEX HAD [Y/N] IN HIS ARMS AS HE ENTERED INSIDE HER APARTMENT, HIS HANDSOME FACE PAINTED WITH CONCERN AS HE LED THEM TOWARD HER BEDROOM. The lead vocalist quietly cursed, bumping into a counter with her by his side. He heard her quiet whimpers while she was glued into his chest, mumbling incoherent words as she halted with her steps. The one thing he hated the most was to see her in a drunk state. He remembered their early days when they were young and experiencing [Y/N] being taken advantage of, especially when she was intoxicated. There was one incident where Alex saved her from a guy, ending up being scarred in the process. She couldn’t remember the incident, only bits of it, but Alex remembered everything.

The memory of her lying down in the dirty mud scared and vulnerable kept replaying inside his head and he made sure that something like this would never happen again. After that incident, he always looked after her whenever they were out drinking. He always felt bad for lying when she asked about what happened that night, not wanting to burden her with more pain. He has received some questions and looks from his friends, especially his former girlfriends who always wondered why he took extra notice and care for the woman.

Tonight was just like all the previous times, with [Y/N] being so easily susceptible to alcohol and Alex watching her from afar, already noticing her change of demeanor as he was seated beside his girlfriend, who looked rather concerned for the woman Alex was looking at. She knew how close they were and she considered [Y/N] a good acquainted of hers. She did however question why he always waited for everyone to leave so that he could take her home.

His girlfriend frowned, her eyes looking back and forth from the intoxicated woman and to Alex, who aggressively bounced his leg. She watched him gripping his drink tightly, his knuckles turning white as he looked at [Y/N] laughing hysterically as she was on the dancefloor with an unknown man.

Alex’s mind wandered back to that night, the sound of her cries haunting his mind. His heart started to palpitate and he could feel his chest prickling. He subconsciously rubbed his chest to cease some of the discomfort, his eyes averting away from her toward his drink that was untouched. Flashes of his bloody hand engulfed his mind and he clenched his jaw. He felt a gentle hand touch his stubbed jaw, making him snap out of his state.

“Are you alright, babe?” His girlfriend asked, eyes tinted with concern. She grabbed a small tissue to wipe some sweat from his forehead, her fingers brushing a few hair strands away from his handsome features.

Alex’s smile curved upwards, covering his hands with hers before planting a chaste kiss on her knuckles. He nodded, inching closer to his lover to pull her into a gentle kiss. “I’m perfect,” he mumbled against her lips, completely oblivious of [Y/N] watching the couple with a pained expression as she was in the arms of a man she didn’t know.

[Y/N] tiredly sighed, her lips forming into a downward pout as she sat down on her bed. She furrowed her eyebrows, lips pressed into a thin line as she contemplated how many times Alex drove her home, and even going so far that she remembered him removing her makeup and taking her to bed. She hated him for that, in fact, she despised every single thing he did for her. From offering her a glass of water, pulling up her hair when she threw up into the toilet, to respectively helping her put on her pajamas. [Y/N] remembered telling Matt about why he always was the one who drove her home. She received the same halting response when she asked Alex.

“He just…doesn’t trust leaving you alone with the others. He worries a lot, you know, even with us.”

As their friendship evolved, she considered him a very close friend of hers, but as they grew older she became conflicted with her relationship with Alex. She remembered when all the times they had fun and partied, she woke up confused in the morning, watching her bare face freshly cleaned in the mirror, and noticing her dress from the previous night being neatly tucked and placed on her chair beside the nightstand. It wasn’t after three years that she realized that he was always the one who made sure that she got home safely. She felt ashamed for developing feelings for him when he was taken. She sometimes went so far to the point that she faked being drunk, just to be sober enough to feel his calloused hands gently removing her makeup and getting picked up into his arms to feel his warmth.

[Y/N] felt horrible and guilt ate her alive whenever she thought of his former girlfriends. They had to watch him leave with her and she wondered if she was the cause for some of his breakups. That thought always left a punch in the gut. She hated herself and grew more distant and reserved as the years went by to show respect. She was still supportive and went to their concerts, but the afterparties and late nights became fewer as the band grew more successful. However, the last few months had taken a toll on her when Alex asked her to come to one of their album release parties.

The work life had become hectic, which meant that she had almost no time for any social activities and family visits. Her apartment was getting refurnished, which meant bad quality sleep after six in the morning when the workers entered inside her house. And, what better way than to use alcohol as a coping mechanism to cease some of her life problems? And watching Alex in the arms of his lover increased the desire to drown in her misery with alcohol. She didn’t wanna come to the party at first, but after getting persuaded by Katie she couldn’t fight it against her. The rest was a blur and the only thing she remembered was being carried to the car, and leading her to where she currently was—ashamed, dirty, and tired of this endless loop.

“You still with me, love?” she snapped out of her melancholy, eyes slowly averting away from the floor toward Alex, who came out of the bathroom with a few cotton pads and her makeup remover. She felt like a fist was slowly closing over her heart, watching his expression softening as he kneeled down to her level. She lightly nodded, feeling the cotton on her skin.

She closed her eyes, feeling the cold liquid pressing over her eyelids as he removed bits of her eyeshadow. She opened her eyes, immediately locking eyes with his doe-eyes staring softly into hers. Alex gave her a small smile, causing the burning ache in her chest to claw all the way up to her throat. She avoided eye contact, feeling her eyes getting blurry with her tears. His finger traced over her jaw, his gentle and warm fingertips removing a small hair away from her skin and that was enough for her body to betray her.

[Y/N]’s body shook vigorously, along with her shoulders as she broke down. Hot tears trickled down her chin, her lips trembling like a child as she cried. She cried for everything. She cried for the love she could never have. She cried for the guilt and the shame that was etched into her heart, for being a burden to him and everyone else. She felt his hand on her cheek to tuck away some hair away from her glistening face, wiping away her tears, but she shook her head at him. She removed his hands, making him frown.

Alex’s stomach churned, watching her standing up from the bed with wobbly steps. His mind wandered back to the party, worry prickling inside his chest as he thought of the man she was with. He stood up and watched her pacing back and forth as soft cries emitted from her lips. His face scrunched into a deep frown, the sound of her cries leaving a scar inside his heart. “Did something happen? Did he do something to you?” he asked, his voice turning rigid and stoic.

She stopped pacing, her teary eyes looking at him. She hugged herself, her hands subconsciously rubbing her wrists as a way to comfort herself. She scoffed, shaking her head as she looked at him with a look he couldn’t quite decipher. “You know, I always longed to have songs written about me the way you write about them.”

Alex paused at her changing the subject, his frown deepening as he looked at her with a confused look. He opened his mouth, but closed it, not knowing what to say. He watched her face turning into a look of discomfort and he noticed her eyes glistening from the lights above her as she sniffled. “I was always confused the morning after we all hung out and I thought maybe it was my roommate who helped me change and remove my makeup, but it wasn’t her. I didn’t get it at first, and I was mostly too drunk to realize who it was. So, I wanted to test that theory. We were all out in a bar one night and I drank only a little to loosen up. I acted drunk and to my success, it worked. I noticed that you were always seated at a table and staring at me, watching my every move, like I was a bomb that was about to explode if you looked away. I was confused at first before I realized that it was you. You were the one who drove me home and helped me get to bed.” she voiced her thoughts, eyes staring into nothing.

“You were so gentle. You helped me get out of my dress and you were so respective about it,” she said, her voice hoarse as her mind wandered back to the memory. A lone tear fell down her chin, which she quickly wiped away. “You made sure that I drank up all the water from the cup and held my hair up when I threw up. I’ve never had someone taking care of me the way you do, Alex. I felt so safe with you and sometimes used that as an advantage just to have you all by myself.” she admitted, chin trembling as she sniffled, feeling her throat burn.

[Y/N] cried, putting her hands on her face to hide her shame. “It pains me to admit it because I’m so ashamed, Alex. I’m so fucking ashamed and feel so guilty when you here taking care of me when you were with someone else. But I couldn’t help it. It was the only way I could feel…loved. And that is so selfish of me, but….” she said, her voice barely above a whisper, but he heard her regardless.

Alex stood in front of her, unblinking as he tried to process what was coming out of her mouth. His lips parted in a silent surprise, brows shot up as a range of emotions hit him like a tidal wave. His face contorted into a deep scowl, feeling an inferno of anger slowly developing inside his chest. He pointed a finger at her, jaw clenched as his face turned stoic. “So, you’re telling me that all this time, you were faking it to get with me?” he said in a calming manner, tears welled inside his eyes.

She gave him a confused look, shaking her head as she folded her arms in front of her chest. “What? No, that’s not what I meant when I told you I faked it. I didn’t even know that it was you after a long time,” she defended with a deep frown, feeling her chest rise as her breaths became more quicker and shallow.

Alex dryly chuckled, his tears glistening from the lights above him. “But you did fake it, didn’t you? God, I can’t believe this, [Y/N].” he chided, his voice staggering with venom as he felt the dark cloud inside his chest squeezing his lungs. His breathing quickened and he rubbed his chest, clutching his shirt tightly. His jaw was tightly clutched and she wondered if his jaw would break by how clenched it was.

[Y/N] watched him slowly crumble, watching how his lips twitched as tears slowly traced down his cheeks. Her heart bled and she wanted nothing more than to wipe away his sadness, but she couldn’t. Not when it was her being the cause of his pain. She let out a shaky sigh, her glossy eyes looking anywhere but him. “You could’ve just left me alone, you know? You don’t always need to clean up my mess and be all up in my business,” she interjected, her tone rigid and cold.

Alex’s head snapped toward her, the look on his face sending chills down her spine. His gaze hardened as he inched closer to the woman, making her take a step backward. “I’m in your fucking business? Have you looked at yourself when you’re drunk, you don’t even know what half of the time is happening. You can’t even take care of yourself!” he mirrored her anger as he jabbed his finger into her neck, making her aggressively swat her hand away.

She scoffed, “Like you’re the one to talk. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Yeah, are you having relationship problems too? You’re no better than me, and you have no fucking right to tell me how I can’t take care of myself when you’re worse than me. I know you.” she chastised, her voice echoing across the room.

“Fuck you!” Alex shouted, the veins in his neck standing out. Scorn danced in his eyes and his lips formed into a thin line as he restrained himself from saying something he would regret. His lips emitted enraged breaths, chest heaving as they looked at each other. Silence engulfed the pair and the only sound they could hear was their heavy breathing, eyes pierced into each other like two swords.

“Why?” Alex broke the ice, his voice slightly cracking as he looked at her. His gaze softened, the fire in his eyes ceasing as he watched her tear away from his gaze. He watched her let out a teary laugh, noticing the whites in her eyes turning red. “God, don’t make me say it, Alex. I thought it was obvious.”

Alex’s face turned into a confused look, “I-I don’t understand, love. Why did you do it? Why did you fake everything–” he voiced his frustrations, but he got interrupted by [Y/N], sending him in a state of shock—like a deer was stuck in headlights.

“Because I love you, Alexander.” her voice wavered, lips trembling like a child as she let her guard down. She started to cry and her shoulders started to shake as she sauntered closer to him. “I love you.” she breathed out, gasping between her cries and inching closer. Her face contorted into a pained expression. “I love you. I love you, God, I love you so much that it hurts. I know I’m not supposed to, but god damn it, I can’t help it.”

Alex’s eyes were red and glassy from crying, and the rapid of his chest stuttered as his face crumpled. Her cries haunted his ears, making him cover his trembling hands over his face. I love you, kept repeating inside his brain like a mantra, “Fuck.” he croaked out, rubbing his glistening face. A tremor of guilt slowly started to gnaw inside of him, eating him alive.

[Y/N] squeezed her eyes shut, trying to stop the tears from flowing, but it was of no use. Her eyes were bruised and sore, and she hadn’t cried that much in a long while. The skin around her eyes was raw and deep shadows were forming under her eyes. She hiccuped, her lips pulled into a downward pout, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. For everything that I’ve done to cause you pain, and getting involved in your relationships.” she wept, grimacing at her swollen face. “I’m the reason why they all left you, and I–god, I’m so stupid. I’m so fucking stupid.”

She sobbed uncontrollably, repetitively hitting her chest as she distanced herself away from him. She whimpered and smacked her head, “You fucking idiot.” she rasped, her throat sore and dry from crying. She felt him inching closer, taking her hands away from her face to stop her from hurting herself. “Stop doing that.” she heard him say, his voice soft and she looked at him.

Alex sniffled, bringing his hand to wipe away her tears with his thumb. He gave her a small smile, his hand lingering longer on her cheek. “You didn’t do anything, [Y/N]. You’re not the reason why I ended things with them. And you’re not causing me pain, love. Please, don’t say that. I’m sorry.” he reassured, making her frown at his apology, eyes narrowed and confused. “I’m sorry that I made it seem like I was leading you on and made you think like that. I really do, and fuck—I feel horrible, because I haven’t been quite honest with you after what happened that night.” he admitted, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“What do you mean?”

Alex nibbed on his bottom lip as his mind replayed the night. Memories seared through his brain, sending a prickling sensation up his spine. His heart started beating straight of his ribcage, the stammering inside his chest making him let out a strangled gasp. He squeezed his eyes shut, as in a way to protect himself.

[Y/N]’s cries and whimpers echoed across the forest, her body smeared with mud and dirt. She felt blood pooling underneath her dress, making her cry harder. Her blurry vision blended with her tears making her potentially blind. She hissed as her hand touched her bruised knee, trying to shift her body to the side but it was to no vail. Her eyes danced with confusion as she regained back some of her vision. “What?” she asked herself, eyes darting across the dark greenery, eyes locking with a wide-eyed Alex.

Alex looked back at his hands, the scabs and bruises etched onto his delicate skin. Crimson flew down his knuckles like waterfall, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He looked back at the guy who jumped on her, eyes rigid and cold as he felt a fire engulf inside his chest. But that fire soon ceased once he heard her cries, snapping him away from his slumped body toward his best friend. The way she was crumbled to the ground, looking disoriented and vulnerable, took a great toll on him. The young man started to cry, his body uncontrollably shaking as he sprinted toward her with wobbly steps.

“Fuck, [Y/N], you’re bleeding. What the fuck did he do to you?!” he cried, eyes wide as his trembling hands went to his jacket to cover her cold body. Guilt punched his gut, cursing at himself for not watching over her properly. He made a promise to her parents that he would watch over her, but he completely blew it.

Alex sniffled, rubbing his eyes. He looked at her with a pained expression, tears welling inside his eyes. He noticed having her drink tightly clasped into her trembling hand, making some of the water spill. He watched her clenching her jaw at the mention of that night. “You don’t remember, but I do.” he started off with, voice cracking at the end, making her give him an angsty look, lips pressed into a thin line.

“It was so weird, because you were just right beside me, and when I turned around you were gone. I remembered you smoked something with a guy early on the party and I figured you were with him, and I didn’t want to interrupt or disturb you, you know? You seemed to like him. But I couldn’t shake away the thought that something was wrong. I saw you a few meters away from where I was standing and I saw you were completely out of it, and that’s when I knew.” he explained, tears slowly sliding down his chin which he quickly wiped away.

“He started to touch you, and I-I remember you using all of your strength to push him away, but he wouldn’t budge. That seemed to anger him more because the next thing he did was to push you to the ground. I don’t remember what happened after that. I blacked out and I could only remember that my hands were bleeding. He–uh..he was on the ground and you were crying hysterically and telling me that you didn’t know what happened.” he continued with his story, fiddling with his hands as he nibbed on his skin, staring at nothing in particular.

[Y/N] blinked away her tears, the hand on her glass tightening. She closed her eyes, eyebrows furrowed as a deep scorn etched onto her face. Images and flashes of repressed memories bubbled up through the surface, causing a tremor of emotions searing through her.

“I-I don’t know, Al. I don’t know what happened. I can’t feel my body. God, I can’t feel my legs, and I can’t see a goddamn thing!” she panicked, tears falling like waterfall as she clutched onto Alex like he was her safety net. She hid her face into his chest as she sobbed, her shoulders vigorously shaking.

Alex watched her pace back and forth with a distressed look on her face. He took a step closer, making her whirl her head toward him, eyes wide in circles as she tried to process the information. “I kept thinking of what would happen if I wasn’t there. It kept me up at night and the worst part of it all was that I promised your parents that you were gonna get home in one piece. Bu—”

“Shut up, Alex!” she snapped, trying to block out the memories. But the more she resisted, the worse it got. Images of her lying down the ground bleeding sent her reeling, and she held the counter for support, placing her drink on the table in the process and turning her body to him. “Please, just stop.” she pleaded, eyes begging for him to stop bringing up the past.

“Look, I-I need to go back to the others. I don’t wanna do this, man.” she slurred, eyes squinting as she looked at him through her blurry vision. She felt her stomach churn with uneasiness, making her swatting his hands away from her body.

[Y/N] gained some sobriety, and she felt panic wash over her as she felt his hands going lower, down to her pants. She tried to push him away, but he was stronger. “Stop moving,” she heard him say, making her let out strangled cry, moving backwards to get away from him as far as possible.

Her body was leaning against the counter, eyes staring into Alex’s as the pair shared a look. She scoffed, rubbing a hand over her face with a confused expression. “Is that the reason? You wanted to protect me from guys? What are you, my fucking bodyguard?” She thought out loud, her voice turning louder.

Alex looked at her like she’ve grown two heads, eyes painted with bewilderment. “You could’ve fucking died, that’s why! You didn’t see the look on your dad’s face when he stood at the door, watching me carrying you bruised and injured. He did more than pushing you to the ground. [Y/N], you broke your rib and almost cracked your skull. In fact, you should thank me that you’re even alive.” he raged, looking at her with wide eyes.

“Get out.” Alex heard her say with no emotion, making him look at her. Something dark lingered behind her eyes as she looked at him with a blank expression, making his heart drop. He shook his head, “No, please. Let’s talk about this.” he begged, inching closer to her, but stopped once he saw her bringing up her hand.

Angry tears welled inside her eyes, the veins in her neck ridged out in living edges as she looked at him with her teeth gritted. She felt anger coursing through her veins, but she swallowed her fire and exhaled before speaking. “There’s nothing to talk about, Alex. It’s very simple. I love you, but you don’t, at least not the way that I want.” she simply addressed, shrugging her shoulders as she gave him a tired look. “You lead me on, thinking that maybe you reciprocated these feelings, but no. You were only doing all of this out of pity, and for what? A broken promise you made with my dad? Now, get out.” she finished, taking the last sip of her drink.

Alex’s jaw slacked, her words piercing into his skin, voice hot like a knife was being held over a fire. Alex shook his head, feet glued to the floor as he looked at her with teary eyes. He wept, walking toward her. “No, that’s not why I did it. [Y/N], I’ve never pited you, and I do love you—” He expressed between his cries, chin shaking and he felt like a child begging for his mother’s attention as he tried to change her mind.

Before his brain could register the sound of breaking glass, his body was on the floor as he covered himself. He flinched at her blood-curdling scream, hands covering his ears at the painful sound of glass smashed into a wall. “Get the fuck out of my house, Alex, please.” She sobbed, sauntering toward him and grabbing his arm to drag him out of her bedroom.

His body stayed on the wooden floor, shoulders shaking as he quietly wept. He profusely apologized, vigorously shaking his head, making her loosen the tight grip on his arm. She sniffled, wiping her runny nose and walking toward her bedroom door. She stood beside the door frame, body turned to him as she looked at him, eyes drained and losing all its spark.

“I don’t wanna see you anymore, Alex. I don’t wanna be near you. I don’t wanna hear you, and God, I don’t even wanna look at you.” she spat out, using the last remaining of fire and energy inside of her.

Alex’s heart was bleeding with pain, and the buzzing inside his head filled every crevice of his brain, rattling every bone making him let out small whimper. Her words stung him and it replayed over and over again inside his head. He slowly nodded as he ran a hand over his hair, his hand carding through his hair, his nails lighty scraping at his scalp. He cleared his throat and stood up from his feet, walking toward the door with a look of shame.

The pair looked at each other, eyes dull and drained. Alex bit the insides of his cheeks, his eyes lingering longer to study every features of her face. “As you wish, [Y/N].” he rasped, his voice dry and sore from crying. He gave her a tip-lipped smile, feet leading him out of her bedroom and disappearing from her sight.

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